Month: March 2016

Western culture tends to believe in a scarcity mentality—that we have to compete with others and that resources and opportunities are limited. There isn’t enough. This spills over into emotional and social areas as well. We like to think we’re the smartest, the strongest, or the best. We feel satisfied in winning the game or beating out someone for a job. 

Culturally, we seem to attribute this competitive drive mainly to men. They’re ambitious in sports, in their careers, etc. But women tend to be emotionally competitive, and there’s no end to areas that we compete in: parenting, income, craftiness, how our home looks, and definitely in our appearance. We use competition as a way to cover up our insecurities, to try to prove our worth, and perhaps because we think that there’s a limited supply of success and joy in the world. Unfortunately, this attitude can compromise relationships, happiness, and even our feelings of self-worth. 

Here are some ways to help you stop competing with other women:

One of the first things I’d suggest doing is looking inside, rather than side to side. By that I mean stop looking to other people as the source of your contentment or for proof that you’re worthy. Instead of trying to size up someone else, look at yourself and ask what your individual life mission is and how you are seeking to fulfill it. Also, try to stop looking to other people to validate you and work on validating yourself! Ask yourself what your personal life mission is and how you’re improving instead of looking around and trying to outdo others.

At the root of competition is comparison, and we as women need to put an end to this vicious cycle. Teddy Roosevelt famously said that comparison is the thief of joy—he’s so right! When we compare, we either come out on top or on bottom, but either way, it takes away the joy. Remember that someone else’s success has nothing to do with you. Harsh as that may sound, it puts things into perspective that you don’t have to feel less about yourself because of someone else’s accomplishments. When you feel sad or less than another woman, you’re so preoccupied with yourself that you can’t celebrate and be happy for her. So when those feelings of jealousy or envy creep up (and they do for all of us at times), actively fight them and tell yourself that you refuse to play this losing game called comparison.

Another good strategy to ditch the competition is to practice a mindset of abundance. By this I mean to let go of this notion that only some people are successful, only a select few score a great man or a fulfilling career, etc. There really is enough love and joy for us all! A scarcity mindset can evoke a panic because it means that if someone else wins, you lose. Fortunately, that’s not the case. In the game of life, there can be multiple winners. We can stop this exhausting rat race and understand that another woman’s good fortune can add to our happiness, not detract from it.

And lastly, I encourage you to appreciate all things beautiful, whether in yourself or in other people. For example, if you find a certain woman particularly beautiful, instead of feeling envious and insecure, acknowledge her beauty, perhaps even compliment her on it, and then find inspiration in it. Appreciating all things beautiful can go beyond physical beauty and extend to anything pleasant or admirable. Maybe you’ve met someone whose job, family, or life inspires you in some way. Once you’ve been on the receiving end of some celebration of your own beauty, you’ll want to share that thrill with others. It feels so good to foster support and encouragement for one another. Let’s work on that as women.

When competition is ingrained in our psyche, it can be hard to let go of it. Practice these skills to quit comparing and sizing up other women to find peace and joy in celebrating our successes together.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, stretch, and think to yourself, “I’m so tired of feeling fat”? That kind of thought can do one of two things. It can motivate you to lose weight or it can cause you to do nothing because you fear you will never be able to get the weight off and finally start feeling fabulous. Here are seven practical steps to stop feeling fat and start feeling fabulous.

1. Make Sure You Really Need to Lose Weight

Sometimes you feel fat when you really aren’t even overweight. This can be from overeating, medications, or even a false sense of how you really look. I’ve had friends and clients who were convinced they were overweight but medically speaking they weren’t. They wanted to lose weight to feel better about themselves, but strictly speaking they didn’t really need to lose any weight at all.

2. Write Down Your Good Qualities

Part of the reason you feel fat is because you are focusing on perceived negative qualities. It’s okay to acknowledge that you are overweight, but you shouldn’t call yourself names. Try this simple exercise to start thinking about yourself in a better light. Write down at least two positive physical and non-physical qualities about yourself. Here are some examples if you’re having trouble.

Physical:

• What is one physical feature you like about yourself?
• Name five physical abilities you have. (Hint: Being able to run, walk, ride a bike, work out, hold down a physically demanding job, etc.)

Non-Physical:

• What are some qualities people compliment you on? (Hint: Kindness, sense of humor, honesty, ability to hold an engaging conversation, making people feel at home, etc.)
• Write down your talents and abilities. And yes, everyone has them. (Hint: Work competency, education accomplishments, creative endeavors, etc.)

Once you have a short list, commit to adding to it on a weekly basis.

3. Deal With Mental Obstacles

The constant feeling of being fat is often tied to mental obstacles that you put in your own way. When you create barriers to your weight loss, you freeze yourself in the cycle of feeling fat without a way out:

• Feeling like losing weight is impossible
• Emotional eating that isn’t under control
• Feeling as though your family and friends don’t support you
• Not understanding what foods are hard for you to eat in reasonable quantities

4. Have a Written Plan

Inaction often leads to feelings of inadequacy. If you aren’t moving toward your goal of losing weight, then yes, you might feel defeated and even fat. Write down your weight loss intentions and plan out your day.

5. Do and Say Something Nice to Yourself Every Day

Feeling fat sometimes translates into not being kind to yourself. Make sure to say and do something nice for yourself every single day. Stop calling yourself ugly names and say nice things about yourself, even if you don’t mean it at first. Keep at it until you start to believe and internalize those positive messages.

6. Focus on Activities Outside of Weight Loss

Failure or success at weight loss shouldn’t define how you feel about yourself, but sometimes it does. Find activities you enjoy that have nothing to do with weight loss. Taking your mind off of exercising with the sole purpose of losing weight can lift your spirits and make you feel better about yourself.

7. Be Purposeful

Be purposeful about how you talk to yourself, what kinds of activities you do, and finding a sustainable weight loss program. Every morning when you wake up, tell yourself you are going to have a positive day, and take the steps to make that happen.

There’s a lot of talk these days about brain training—exercises you can do to keep your mind sharp and (hopefully) ward off Alzheimer’s and other memory-destroying types of dementia.
But whether your exercises are physical or mental, the muscles you’re working out need time to recover. In other words, getting adequate amounts of downtime is essential. If you don’t, the workouts will become boring and you’ll stop making progress. In still other words, as Jack Nicholson’s character in The Shining put it: “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”
It’s pretty easy to take breaks from physical workouts. But how do you take a break from exercising your brain? After all, most of us need that four pounds of gray and white stuff to be operating at peak capacity while we’re on the job, trying to maintain any kind of personal relationships, or even just deciding which apples to buy at the grocery store.
Learning to power down your brain—also known as meditation—is one of those simple-but-not-easy things. The benefits can be substantial, however. Here are just a few reasons you should think about making meditation a part of your everyday routine (we’ll talk about exactly how to mediate after we’ve got you convinced of the benefits).

It helps you focus and may make you more productive.

A recent study by researchers at Yale University found that meditating slows down activity in a part of the brain that’s associated with mind wandering. Everyone’s mind wanders from time to time, but meditators are better at refocusing their thoughts on what’s important. Since meditation frees your mind from having to focus on anything other than your breathing, when you really do need to home in on something specific, you’ll be ready and able to do so and you’ll be less likely to be distracted.

It reduces stress, anxiety, depression, and panic.

Mind wandering is associated with anxiety, overthinking, depression, and worrying. When meditators feel anxious, they’re often able to use their practice to rein in some of those small obstacles that can become so oppressive. A 2011 study by researchers at Harvard found that people who meditated for eight weeks had a smaller amygdala (the part of the brain that regulates stress, fear, and anxiety). A number of other studies have found that meditation is just as effective as medication in combating depression.

It may change your brain (in some really good ways).

In that same Harvard study, lead researcher Sara Lazar found that 8-week meditators had a larger hippocampus (the part of the brain that regulates memory and learning).
Researchers at the UCLA Laboratory of Neuro Imaging found that compared to non-meditators, long-term meditators have larger amounts of “gyrification” or folding in a part of the brain called the insula.
“The insula has been suggested to function as a hub for autonomic, affective, and cognitive integration,” said Eileen Luders, an assistant professor at the laboratory, in a press release. In other words, gyrification allows the brain to process information more quickly. “Meditators are known to be masters in introspection and awareness as well as emotional control and self-regulation, so the findings make sense that the longer someone has meditated, the higher the degree of folding in the insula.”

It’s heart healthy.

Several studies have found that people who meditate are able to reduce their blood pressure, but that’s just the beginning. Robert Schneider, a professor at the Maharishi University of Management in Iowa, did a study of more than 200 men and women who had been diagnosed with heart disease (which put them at risk of having a heart attack or stroke).
The subjects were randomly assigned to either a class about healthy diet and exercise or to a meditation program. The subjects all continued with their normal medical care and medication regimens. Five years into the study, Schneider found that the subjects in the meditation group had a 48 percent reduction in their risk of heart attack, stroke, and death from any other cause.

It may help you lose weight and reduce addictive behavior.

Several studies show that regular meditators are better able to manage emotional eating than non-meditators. Emotional eating (as opposed to eating only when you’re actually hungry) is associated with weight gain and obesity. Since meditation increases activity in the areas of the brain that manage self-control, meditation appears to be very successful in helping people recover from smoking and other addictions.

Okay, so now what?

I’m a pretty skeptical guy, so I instinctively roll my eyes whenever I hear about something that seems to have almost magical benefits. Then I start looking for studies to disprove those claims. There are, of course, some studies that dispute the magnitude of the benefits of meditation, but not that say that meditation is bunk.
More important, I wasn’t able to find a single study that says that meditation is dangerous in any way. Given that there are plenty of upsides and zero downsides, incorporating meditation into an overall program of healthy living seems like a really good idea.
Here’s how.
There are dozens of types of meditation, such as Zen, Transcendental, mindfulness, and others. Most involve focusing on a word, phrase, or object.
But there’s something a lot easier to focus on: your breath. Slowly inhale. Hold your breath for two seconds, then exhale for three seconds. Hold your breath for another two and inhale for three. Repeat for about 20 minutes. Chances are, you won’t get through two cycles before your mind starts heading off in 387 different directions. When that happens, don’t bother to criticize yourself for losing focus—you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. Just slowly and gently refocus on your breathing and start over. With time, you’ll get better and better at ignoring those intrusive thoughts.

It feels really great to reach a goal. There’s nothing like making progress in specific aspects of our lives that we want to improve. But as anyone with real ambition and hope to change can tell you, we’re not always successful with our goals. Sometimes we fail, even spectacularly so. Fortunately, we can craft our goals in ways that will increase our chances of achieving them. Here are some strategies to create goals that you’ll actually meet.

The first thing is to make sure that the goals you set are realistic. Vowing to never eat sugar again or attempting to lose 10 pounds in two weeks is simply not practical (and also sounds pretty miserable!) You know best what you’re capable of, so make sure your goals reflect your abilities and your commitment level. Still be ambitious and reach high (if that is what you desire), but don’t set unattainable goals for yourself, as they will likely cause frustration and disappointment. Also, consider the time and effort it will take to reach certain goals. Increasing your annual income is something that many people seem to aspire to. Maybe you’re truly willing to work hard and make a change to see that happen. If so, have at it! If not, it’s probably best not to make that a goal in the first place.

Another important thing to keep in mind is that your goals are more likely to become a reality if they reflect what you want to achieve, not what you think you should achieve. For example, some may feel that it’s important to make their bed (we had to do it as kids, so it must count for something, right?) Resolving to do this every day may seem like a trivial goal, but if it’s something that you struggle with and actually want to get better at, I say go for it! For me personally, however, I’ve realized that this isn’t something that I particularly value, and I’ve decided not to worry about it. I used to feel self-imposed guilt about this kind of thing, but I’ve learned to let it go, and now I can’t even remember the last time I made my bed!

Accountability is crucial to reaching our goals. Our connections with other human beings are vital to our well-being in so many different facets of our lives, and becoming our best selves through goal-setting is no exception! Our friends, siblings, spouses, and children can give us encouragement, love, and support. They can also provide a level of accountability to help us stick to our commitments. For example, a couple who is trying to get in shape for bathing suit season can help keep each other on the right track—not by micromanaging what the other person eats, but perhaps by going on long jogs or making healthier versions of shared favorite meals together.

In addition to communicating our progress toward our goals to other people, there are more ways to make ourselves accountable. I know a young woman who had set a firm resolution to do or say one nice thing for another person every day. To help her stay strong in pursuit of her goal, she started a journal where she could write down her good deeds. If you really want your goals to become reality, find concrete ways to make yourself accountable for them.

Remember that goals are most effective when they give us purpose and direction. I suggest setting just a few specific goals of things that you really want to achieve. These can help guide your actions and behaviors for the long term. One common struggle is decreasing motivation over time. It seems like we’re often pretty strong coming out of the gate but then begin to lose steam and excitement over time. To combat this, I’d suggest frequently taking the time to reassess your goals and reinvigorate your own commitment, and giving yourself visuals of how far you’ve come and how much you want to achieve something.

I love the process of goal-setting and achieving. It can bring great confidence and satisfaction as it allows us to truly envision our potential as human beings to improve our own lives. Set challenging yet attainable goals, lean on your relationships for support and accountability, and also take steps to keep yourself motivated along the way.

Best of luck with your goals!

If you have ever struggled with depression you are not alone. About 350 million people in the world battle symptoms such as a lack of energy; excessive or too little sleep; problems with eating, thinking, concentrating or making decisions; suicidal thoughts; and feelings of worthlessness or guilt. When your energy is gone and these symptoms arrive, depression can feel overwhelming.
According to the World Health Organization, depression is one of the leading causes of disability worldwide, and antidepressants have been the typical go-to choice for maintenance. Although there are many effective forms of psychotherapy and medications for depression, nearly 80 percent of those who have recovered eventually relapse without ongoing treatment. This means that for most people depression is a chronic concern. It can be held at bay for a while, but eventually it comes back.
The good news is that an antidepressant does well to alleviate the symptoms. The bad news is that these same antidepressants often have unwanted side effects: nausea, vomiting, insomnia, sleepiness, increased anxiety, diarrhea, lack of libido, headaches, and fluctuation in weight are just some of the reactions. These and other concerns are the main reason people stop taking the medicine—and consequently, the main reason for relapse.
Having the blues on occasion doesn’t mean you are clinically depressed, but when the symptoms last for two weeks or more it meets the criteria for a major depression. Researchers are now exploring alternatives to antidepressant medicines with the goal of giving people tools to prevent relapse. One of the more promising areas for effectively treating depression focuses on the ancient practice of meditation.
Long known for its physical and mental benefits, meditation has become commonplace in the Western world over the last 50 years. Researchers have found that mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT)—a blend of an ancient Buddhist meditation practice and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)—is just as effective as medication at preventing depression relapse.
MBCT was developed to help people initiate a constructive response from an awareness of their depressive thoughts and feelings. The goal is to recognize, respond, and reverse a potential downward spiral of depression.
In one study of known depressives, researchers gradually took half the group off medication and provided MBCT through eight group therapy sessions along with daily homework assignments. The other half stayed on their medication as prescribed. Two years later the relapse rates for both groups were essentially the same: 44 percent of the MBCT group relapsed compared with 47 percent of those who continued to take their medication. The meditation worked just as well as antidepressants.
This new finding adds to the ever-growing list of benefits for those who meditate. Some of the known advantages include lowering blood pressure, improving mood, strengthening the immune system, increasing energy, boosting creativity, and reducing the risk of panic attacks, migraines, ulcers, insomnia, muscle soreness, and joint pain.
If you want to start experimenting with meditation there are several ways to learn more about it. First, we’ve got a great resource on mindfulness and meditation right here!
Or you can check out a local yoga studio or meditation class if you want a group experience and a trainer to walk you through the steps.
There are hundreds of types of meditation, and part of the journey is to experiment to see which ones fit you best.
Second, you can go on the web and find thousands of sites that give instruction and guidance. Just search “guided meditations” and try a few during your week. You can return to the ones you find interesting.
Finally, there are apps (of course). Look for ones with built-in timers for use with any meditation you are experimenting with—as well as guided meditations and a place to journal afterward.
How to get started? I recommend that you begin with something under 10 minutes a day and try building it into your daily routine. For the time invested and the potential benefits, you couldn’t ask for anything more.