Month: September 2017

If you’re not a twin, it’s easy to make assumptions about what twins’ lives might be like.

We’ve all heard stories about “twintuition” and the old “twin switcheroo,” and, sure, some of those stories are backed up by reality—a mother of twins, Blair Brodie Resare was quick to share just how devious her 2-year-olds can be.
“My twins are crazy crafty. They are only two-and-a-half and have recently been tricking people to believe one is the other,” she says. “I firmly believe identical twins would be able to pull off anything they set their mind to as far as deception goes. Even this little, their minds work together to formulate crazy ideas and plans, with limited communication.”

First, twins aren’t as rare as you might think.

In fact, twins are becoming more common over time.
In 1975, twins accounted for 9.5 of every 1,000 births in America, and by 2011, that number increased to 16.9 out of every 1,000 births, according research published in the Population and Development Review. Just three years later, in 2014, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention observed a record number of American twins being born, with 33.9 births out of every 1,000 being twins.

Growing up as a twin is complicated.

Twins have an inevitably special connection—they’ve spent a lot of time together, after all. Unfortunately for many twins, misguided early education practices in schools in the United States have made growing up as a twin perhaps more complicated than it needs to be.

The pressure is real.

The way most people think about twins actually creates pressure for the twins themselves. Twins are expected to be close and to have a unique connection with each other, and they often do. But not all twins get along and those that don’t struggle to be honest about their feelings, according to Dr. Joan A. Friedman, a psychotherapist and author specializing in twin research and therapy.

“Twins have a hard time enjoying their own success or their own happiness if their twin isn’t having the same success or the same happiness at the same time.”

“If they don’t get along with their twin, they’re made to feel bad or strange or wrong for feeling that way and parents often feel that they’re failures when twins don’t get along,” she says. “There just doesn’t seem to be a lot of understanding, room, or space for recognizing that there are good reasons why twins, as they grow up, might not get along.”

Individual success comes at a cost.

Of course, being a twin in no way guarantees similarities across all aspects of life; many twins have vast differences in abilities, interests, and personalities. Unfortunately for many twins, it can be difficult when one experiences success while the other struggles, according to Friedman.

They eventually hit a fork in the road.

Growing up, twins share much of their lives. They share the womb, they share a room, they share a classroom, and they might even share friends. As their high school career draws to a close, many twins choose separate paths. They then face a rocky transition to living adult lives separately from one another, says Friedman.
In her article for The Odyssey Online, twin Julianna McDowell shares her experience with this in her article “The Struggles and Benefits of Having a Twin in College.” At some point in high school, she and her sister, Mirabella, decided to apply to different colleges. McDowell describes near constant homesickness since separating from her twin but she also describes a unique sense of freedom that she hasn’t experience until now.

The truth about marrying twins.

New relationships for twins, especially romantic ones, can present unique challenges for twins. After sharing an intense bond for their entire life, marriage can be difficult for twins who might not have experience developing intimacy with others.

“We’ve learned that it’s important to have our own interests and pursuits.”

In her blog, Dr. Barbara Klein, school placement and parenting coach and a national authority on twins, explains some of the the factors that make romantic relationships such a struggle for twins. Twins may begin their search for romance with unrealistic expectations, searching for someone to replace the connection they feel with their twin, she says. At the same time, twins often do not have the experience building relationships “from scratch” because they have always been able to rely on the presence of their twin.

Tracy Cochran is a writer and the editorial director of Parabola Magazine who teaches mindfulness meditation at the Rubin Museum of Art and throughout the New York Metropolitan area. She is also a fraternal twin married to an identical twin. She says that they have been able to cultivate a strong relationship, even as co-workers, but that her marriage has faced challenges unique to being a twin. She shares that she and her husband have noticed that the competition unique to twins can easily sneak its way into their marriage.
“Being a twin married to a twin is also double-edged. Twins are able to ‘twin’ with others, to mirror and to relate to them—at least I’ve been told this is true,” she says. “My husband and I work together, co-editing Parabola Magazine … [but] over the years we’ve had to work out a marriage where we don’t kind of compete for the same space. In other words, we’ve learned that it’s important to have our own interests and pursuits.”

Twins in Science

Being genetically identical, twins provide a unique advantage in collecting data on everything from mental health to the age old argument of nature or nurture, according to Smithsonian Magazine. (Francis Galton, the first scientist to recognize just how valuable studying twins could be, actually coined the phrase “nature versus nurture” himself.)

When my first child was born, my entire world revolved around her.
She was my everything—the first thing I thought of in the morning, my all-consuming thought while I was away at work, and the person I rushed home to each evening. My weekends were filled with her (and her daddy, of course), and life was so much sweeter because she existed.

Then my husband and I found out that soon she would no longer be our only. She was being promoted to big sister! A new baby, our second child, was on the way, and things were going to change.
And change they did, even before little brother officially arrived.
Throughout my pregnancy, my daughter and I learned that someone new was calling the shots. We had a little partner in crime already demanding attention and love and adoration.

My morning sickness took a toll on us both, and then the eagerness of preparing for a new baby filled our time. Together we began imagining and planning for what life would be like as a family of four. And when my son made his debut early one summer day, everything changed…again.
We were no longer a family of three. We had an extra person to love and care for. We made space—in our home and hearts. We adjusted to a new personality. We welcomed the change, but it was a change that took grace and patience.

A second child is very different from the first. They enter a family that already has a rhythm. They aren’t the first, the full focus, but they do hold a special place and purpose within the family structure. The time and attention due to them is shared, and they learn quickly to roll with the punches…or demand that the punches roll in their favor.
Since having a second child, I—along with many other parents in the same boat—have learned so much. What we thought we knew, what we thought we could bank on without a doubt, has been altered.
Life threw us for a loop with the arrival of a second blessing, and once our heads stopped spinning we were able to embrace the chaos that a second little one brings. I’ve yet to hear someone say it’s simple (it’s definitely not!), but everyone agrees that it’s worth it.

That new little person in your family? They’re a gem. A unique soul who fills the family with charm and delight. It takes time to learn who they are and what they need and how they fit in, but it all comes together eventually.
It’s reassuring to hear what other families have learned since having a second child. It means I’m not alone, and it means you’re not alone either. We’re in this parenting gig together!
Here’s a peek at things a handful of other moms and I have learned since having a second child…

1. It has a lot to do with math.

More kids means you’re technically outnumbered. But don’t be too scared. More kids also means your love multiplies. Total win!
Megan S. agrees. She tells HealthyWay: “Despite your fears, you can definitely love your second as much as you love your first. The fear is REAL. But after that sweet second baby is in your life, the fear is gone.”

I remember all too well having this fear during my second pregnancy. Life feels normal with one child. Your love is full and real, and the idea of fitting in another little human is overwhelming. But just like the miracle of pregnancy, when that second child is born, a new miracle happens—birth of new love for that new little one.
Unfortunately, while your love multiplies, your time divides. You learn to cope with it, but it’s a practice in patience for everyone. And patience is a worthwhile lesson for moms, dads, kid No. 1, and kid No. 2, too.

2. Life is easier.

Jasmine H. knows the key to making life with two children easier: “rest and ask for help.” Amen to that! Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to do it all. Take life in strides. Be there for your kids’ immediate needs. Let things go. Have fun. Life can actually become easier with two kids. It’s all about perspective.

With my first I chased after the next milestones so feverishly, but with my second … I’m far more interested in enjoying the present, because I know how quickly it will become the past.

I love what Alissa H. has to say about life becoming easier with the addition of a second little one. In regard to having a second child she jokes, “Why didn’t I think of this sooner? Get a ‘professional’ to play Legos, dolls, army, trucks, hide and seek…while mom gets to read a book! #Playmate.”
Isn’t that the truth! My first two children, although not always best friends, are genuine playmates. All day every day they have each other, and as soon as one isn’t around, the other misses their buddy.

Often, a second child isn’t physically easier, but because of our ever-growing and changing perspective as parents, it becomes emotionally easier.
Taren D. shares her experience with HealthyWay: “[With the second I] trust myself more as a parent, and I enjoy each phase of baby and toddlerhood for what it is. With my first I chased after the next milestones so feverishly, but with my second (and now third) I’m far more interested in enjoying the present, because I know how quickly it will become the past.”

3. Life is harder.

Honestly, for me at least, the ease of life with two is balanced with the hard stuff. It comes and goes, day by day, hour by hour.
Traci V. understands my plight, especially when it comes to juggling a baby and a toddler. She recalls, “One was a breeze (even though it didn’t feel like it at the time…seriously, you can take ONE kid ANYWHERE!)”
I have vivid memories of one of my first grocery store outings when my son was about a week old. I put my daughter in the front of the cart and my son in his car seat in the basket.
Suddenly there was no room for groceries! I got the bare essentials and texted my husband that he would need to buy some of the larger, bulk items or watch the kids while I ran out later that evening.

4. You officially know nothing.

The second child is never like the first. You’re starting all over again! It’s frightening. And kind of fun, I suppose. This new baby is a brand new person, unlike the first in 100+ ways. You get to know them, learn from them, and be a whole new parent to them. Get ready for a wild ride!
In reference to the wildness of two, Jennifer B. says that “the transition from one to two is SERIOUSLY underestimated! Having my first was relatively easy, adding in a second rocked our little family’s world. Also, you realize how precious each developmental stage is, how fast that infant stage really does go. I always say to new parents not to rush their baby. That first one, you can’t wait for them to do something new, with the second you don’t want them to do anything!!!”

This is 100 percent true. I remember aching for my daughter to learn to crawl. And it was eight long months before she did. Then, with my son, I wanted nothing more than for him to stay stationary. Rolling and sitting was just fine, I could contain him that way, but I knew once he really started moving I was in trouble. (Of course, he learned to crawl at just six months, and things haven’t slowed down since.)

5. Self-care goes out the window.

Think you didn’t get alone time before? Now it’s practically nonexistent. I remember when my daughter was little, my husband and I would take turns running errands with her so the other could have some “me” time. Now, as Lynette V. says, “It’s zone defense!”

The good news is, the lack of self-care and freedom is a short-lived season. You fall into a rhythm and learn to adjust. By the time my second’s first birthday arrived, I remember deeply sighing and realizing that we had made it.
Life felt somewhat normal, and I got ready (hair, makeup, real clothes) more often than not. It was no longer overwhelming for my husband to take on both kids, and not only were we enjoying family time more thoroughly, we were tagging one another for much needed alone time too.

6. Spacing can be magical.

Deborah W. thinks two kids are absolutely great because “siblings make the best friends!” And it’s true. Think back to your own childhood. Wasn’t it wonderful having someone around to play, banter, and adventure with?

He protects her, teaches her, and loves her

And really, no matter the spacing between your first and second child, it can be pure magic. These two moms know it all too well…just from opposite sides of the spectrum.
Charise F. reminisces, “Having my first and second less than a year apart was mega hard in the beginning, but now I couldn’t imagine it any other way. They’re perfect for each other and the very best of friends.”

On the flip side, Leah W. says, “My son was 5 when his sister was born. Although they won’t grow up liking the same toys and such, I’ve never witnessed a more loved or cherished baby. He protects her, teaches her, and loves her with a vengeance! It’s beautiful to witness.”

7. Practice doesn’t make perfect.

Just because you’ve successfully parented one child so far, that doesn’t mean your efforts will pay off with round two. I mean, they might. But I spent most of my son’s first year apologizing to my daughter and my husband. It was just a lot to juggle and I always felt like I was letting someone down.

Sibling love is so precious and watching your oldest teach something … to your youngest is priceless!

Birth order plays into this quite a bit, in my opinion. Second-born children just have different personalities. It’s not something we can anticipate or adapt to before it comes to fruition, and often it’s just better to go with the flow.
Lyndsy M. channels our favorite Disney girl, Queen Elsa, saying, “Let it go. Adding a second kid really allows for a focusing in on what’s most important and all the other stuff can slip away. When they both get a little older and communicate with each other it is then that you see the real impact of your parenting! Sibling love is so precious, and watching your oldest teach something (whether [it’s] how to build a faster race track or how in our family we do things ‘this way’) to your youngest is priceless!”

8. It just might give you baby fever.

Last, but not least…think two kids is enough?

Just wait until your baby isn’t such a baby anymore, and No. 3 might pop up on your radar! That’s what eventually happened in our family. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Birth and parenting expert Peggy O’Mara once wrote, “The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.” Her words have become part of my personal parenting mantra, the cornerstone of my parenting goals. Emphasis on “goals.”

I try my very best to speak to my children with respect and kindness. But far too often, I fail. My book of excuses is a mile long, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve both knowingly and unknowingly shamed my children in the course of our conversations.

Sometimes these choices are not what you had in mind or their independence slows your routine and it it is just easier to do things and make the decisions for them.

When I know I’ve resorted to shaming, I can easily address the issue at hand and ask for forgiveness. We can resolve the hardship or misunderstanding and move on. But what about the times when I don’t identify the shame factor? When what I say or do isn’t as apparent but still has a negative effect on my child?

This happens most often with my middle child, my son who is a brand new 5-year-old. He and I clash. Frequently. Not because we wake up in the morning intent on fussing, but because our personalities seem to rub each other the wrong way more often than not.

But I’m the adult. I’m the parent, responsible for nurturing, facilitating, and growing a positive relationship no matter how much work it takes. Minute by minute, hour by hour, I have countless opportunities to lead by example and eliminate shame from our interactions. It’s good for him and for me. Through self-reflection and study on effective parenting I can see where I’ve let episodes of shame creep in and where it still quietly lies in hidden places. Resorting to shame is easy; quelling it takes diligence and practice.

To give a practical example, here’s a dose of real life. Lately my son and I have been struggling with his food choices. I shouldn’t be surprised—I myself was a very picky eater as a child. At one point I recall telling my mom that I was a “fruitarian” because I preferred to eat only fruit…and maybe graham crackers and a few choice desserts on the side.

So I get him. It’s hard to try new things. It’s even harder when the new things that are healthy and good aren’t a favorite texture or flavor. But balanced meals and nutrition ARE important. And that’s our crux, the point where we argue. Where he puts his foot down and where I pull shame off the shelf and lather it on thick. “Don’t you want to grow big and strong?” I’ll ask. “Don’t you want to make good choices like your sister?!?”

He does, but he doesn’t even more. We fuss and try to compromise, and by the time breakfast is over, I’m weary. Maybe I should let it go, but maybe I can’t. It’s just as much a me issue as it is a him issue. For me, it’s all about comparison. When lunch boxes are judged for their beauty and balance and all the cool moms are raving about their super organic veggie-infused energy “dessert” bites that their kids won’t stop begging for, I’m coaxing my 5-year-old to try a bite of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Truly.

All that is to say: shame. It’s a beast in the closet of my parenting tools. A tactic that is hard to avoid but one that, once identified and broached head-on, pales in comparison to my other options and clearly doesn’t align with the mom I want to be.

If you’re curious about what other examples of shame look like, here are a few scenarios where shame can unknowingly find its way into your parent–child relationship, according to Anastasia Moloney, an early childhood development specialist and an expert at The Tot—and perhaps even more important, how you can say no to shaming opportunities.

1. Not Letting a Child Do Things For Themselves

Moloney says, “Children hit a stage where they want to be independent in their daily skills or decision making. Sometimes these choices are not what you had in mind or their independence slows your routine and it is just easier to do things and make the decisions for them.”

He [or] she needs to learn through experience and build confidence in independence.

Moloney shares a scenario all parents can easily imagine: “You are trying to get everyone ready and out the door, your child wants to put on their clothes themselves but puts it on backward or in your opinion takes too long so you take over and hurry them.”

You jump in, chiding their slowness, fixing their mistakes, and generally making them feel less than through your actions, words, and tone. That’s shaming.

But it can be fixed! Moloney says, “No matter how time consuming it may seem, letting your child try to dress him- [or] herself, play their own way, or make age-appropriate choices for themselves is beneficial. He [or] she needs to learn through experience and build confidence in independence.”

2. Judging Your Child’s Choice

“T
his can be as simple as a critical statement in response to an action, such as ‘What were you thinking?’ or ‘I can’t believe you just did that,'” says Moloney.

Instead, she encourages parents to “acknowledge [the child’s] choice and offer to share with them why it may not be a good idea. If possible let them learn from experience and then talk about why that might not be the right choice after.”

3. Telling Them Not to Cry

Avoid this phrase at all costs! “Instead of telling them not to cry,” Moloney says, “try getting on their level, then relate to them and acknowledge what they are feeling.”

Think about consequences being very relevant. If I throw blocks, I need to take a short break from blocks and can come back when I am calm.

In truth, isn’t that what we all want when our tears are ready to burst?

4. Setting Expectations Too High

Expectations are wonderful. Often, they’ll help little ones rise to the occasion, learn new skills, and eventually become proficient adults.

This does not mean that you cannot discipline or enforce rules, just make sure you do so appropriately.

Still, Moloney reminds parents: “Set your expectations at an age-appropriate level. Your 2- and 3-year-old has trouble with limits and sharing. Give them age-appropriate behavior expectations. Think about consequences being very relevant. If I throw blocks, I need to take a short break from blocks and can come back when I am calm.”

5. Time Out or Public Discipline

Appropriate discipline will always be a controversial discussion among parents, but Moloney says that “If your child is misbehaving with other kids around, you shame your child when you yell across the playground to tell them to stop or point out what they are doing. Instead of sending your child to time out or disciplining him [or ] her in front of everyone, take your child aside and talk to them about the situation or the rules.

“This also will give your child a break from the situation, allow him [or] her to calm down, and then you can address the issue in a learning setting. This does not mean that you cannot discipline or enforce rules, just make sure you do so appropriately.”

I force myself to pause and imagine what I want to say and the feelings I want to communicate before I apply any type of discipline. I’m not perfect, but that initial pause gives me the time I need to reflect and avoid unknowingly (or knowingly) shaming my child.

6. Using a Harsh Tone or Laughing at Your Child

Moloney hit the nail on the head when she said that “We want our children to improve and learn from their situations. You can be firm but respectful with our children.”

…instead of ignoring their statement or telling them you do not understand, try to figure out the context or repeat what you do understand.

Repeat with me now: TONE IS EVERYTHING.

7. Telling Them They are Not a Big Boy or Girl

“This often occurs with potty training,” says Moloney, “and with habits you think they ‘should have’ outgrown such as thumb sucking, sleeping in their own bed, etc. These are all big milestones for your child and we need to be supportive.”

Moloney says, “Encouragement with new milestones, even when we feel frustrated or your child experiences regressions [is key]. This can also be when not understanding your child when they are first learning to communicate, instead of ignoring their statement or telling them you do not understand, try to figure out the context or repeat what you do understand. This can encourage them to continue to communicate effectively.”

Another reason we should all kick shaming to the curb? Science says a gentler approach is good for our kids…and good for parents too!

The gentle parenting community is brimming with advice, hands-on tips, and resources to reform how parents approach discipline and cultivate an atmosphere of respect for our children.

Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist with expertise in parenting, has written extensively about what she calls Aha! Moments. On her website she defines an Aha! Moment as “a lightning flash of insight, when suddenly we see things from another perspective, and everything has the potential to be different.”

That’s exactly the case when a parent identifies shame in their interactions with their child. They recognize what has been a behind-the-scenes player in their parenting techniques and can commit to breaking the cycle of shaming their child.

When all is said and done, Moloney encourages parents to “take many deep breaths to make sure you handle the moment in a positive way and create a teaching moment where you can help your child grow.”

That doesn’t come easily, but with practice, it’s something we can all improve on.

Parenting is a balance of creating boundaries (in my case, setting a precedent of making healthy food choices) and opportunities for independence (allowing my son to have a reasonable amount of control by letting him choose if he wants a PB&J, grilled cheese, or turkey sandwich, for example).

Once parents identify their shaming triggers, we have to make it a
goal to eliminate them. The result will be a happier, healthier family experience where trust abounds.

You’ll breathe a sigh of relief at the calm and personal achievement you’ve reached, and although your child might not recognize the efforts you’ve gone to in reducing episodes of shaming, they’ll definitely feel the effects and be better off because of it.