Month: December 2017

We’re not here to spoil the magic of Christmas.

We don’t want to end up on the “naughty” list, and we’re not here to take down the big man in the sleigh. Still, we’re going to attempt to answer one of the most difficult questions that parents encounter during the holiday season: When is it okay to tell your kids that Santa isn’t real? Is it healthy to encourage them to believe in Santa in the first place? And if so, what purpose does it serve?

According to a 2015 HuffPost survey, about 71 percent of parents with kids aged 10 or under say that at least one of their children believes in Santa Claus. Most parents would agree that this is totally normal; Santa is, after all, a big part of the Christmas experience for young kids.
But at a certain point, that belief starts to fade. Kids typically learn the savage reality by talking to their friends or older siblings, and for some children, the truth is hard to take.
We spoke with several psychologists and social workers, and we found out that many parents have misconceptions when it comes to Santa. For starters…

The “Santa hoax” isn’t exactly harmful. It might even be healthy.

“Parents should never lie to their children about anything,” says Frances Walfish, Psy.D., a Beverly Hills psychotherapist who specializes in working with children and families. “However, when it comes to myths like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, many parents want to carry on the tradition by nurturing a gentle belief.”

The term “myth” is pretty key to this discussion. Cultivating a belief in Santa Claus isn’t lying, per se; while parents are willfully misleading their children, they’re certainly not doing it maliciously. That should help to relieve some of the guilt you might be feeling.

I believe in giving little children all the harmless pleasure they can have. Let them believe in fairy tales and myths.

There are, of course, a few caveats. Some research suggests that rewards for good behavior may actually reduce a child’s motivation to do the right thing, so parents probably shouldn’t frame Santa’s presents as rewards. Likewise, parents shouldn’t use Santa to steer kids away from bad behavior; while the “lump of coal” threat may seem effective in the short term, it can cause anxiety, according to Walfish.
It’s also important to remember that many younger children won’t appreciate a trip to see Santa Claus, as any parent who’s dragged a screaming child away from a friendly mall Santa can attest.
“The reason [for this fear] is the costume, mask, makeup, false beard, rosy cheeks, and deep voice used by Santa,” says Walfish. “Toddlers have not yet mastered the concept of object constancy.”

Object constancy is the developmental skill that lets us understand that when a person leaves the room, they still exist. For toddlers, exercising this skill becomes more difficult when costumes are involved.
“It’s hard for a young child to imagine that a human man can remain a human person while wearing a costume,” Walfish explains. “In other words, the toddler sees Santa in his costume and believes Santa is a walking and talking alien.”
That sounds fairly terrifying. Still, most kids won’t be too traumatized, and the myth can be positive; it may encourage critical thinking skills, since kids eventually work through the logical leaps in the Santa myth and realize that something isn’t right.
If nothing else, the myth provides for some fun memories. With that said, all good things come to an end. Fortunately for parents…

Most kids will learn the truth on their own.

Kids generally learn about Santa from their friends, siblings, or parents. About half of parents won’t get a chance to have “the Santa talk” with their children—someone else will have beaten them to it.

“The secret and magic of Santa typically has its own ‘shelf-life,’ as kids interact with each other and share what they’ve learned or deemed to be big news,” says Kriss Shane, a licensed master social worker. “This may mean that your child finds out the secret from someone on a playground.”
That’s a pretty common experience, and it can be fairly traumatic. When kids find out about the Santa myth, they may feel betrayed or ridiculed—and if they’re in middle school, they may experience teasing or bullying. Of course, parents can step in and provide some assurance.
“You can mitigate the situation by explaining the meaning and feeling of the season,” says Shane.

She suggests shifting the focus away from the myth: “You can say that you wanted to wait to tell them because they have younger friends who might not be ready to hear, and you didn’t want to make them keep this secret from a friend.
“The goal is to bring the child into this secret rather than to make them feel silly for believing the myth.”

When a child starts wondering about Santa, that’s when experts recommend breaking the news.

There’s not necessarily a “right age” to tell kids about Santa. Our experts recommend staying attenuated to the child; as kids develop critical thinking skills, they usually start to unravel the Santa Claus mystery on their own.
“By age 7 or 8, most children wonder out loud and ask if Santa is real,” Walfish says. “It’s up to the parent at that point to respond honestly and openly.”

Walfish recommends explaining why adults want children to believe in Santa in order to make the experience less traumatic.
“[Say something like], ‘When I was a child, my parents thought it was a fun part of Christmas to teach us about the myth of Santa Claus,'” Walfish suggests. “‘I loved it so much that I decided to share those teachings with my children. It’s up to you to decide whether you want to carry on this family tradition or do Christmas in your own special way.'”

Little children find out soon enough that things are not as they are represented to be, without having it drummed into them from early childhood.

Kryss says that parents don’t need to worry about exposing the myth until it creates actual real-life problems.
“The only time to be concerned is if the child is letting their belief in magic interfere with their daily life,” she says. “For example, if your child behaves better because they want Santa to bring them toys (which you already know they’ll receive), there’s nothing wrong with this.”

However, Kryss notes that “If your child sobs when making a mistake because they fear disappointing Santa, it is time to help them understand that Santa is an idea and a feeling, not someone judging them.”
Kids might also associate Santa with unattainable gifts (for example, a pony), which can create anxiety; when the gifts don’t arrive, kids might believe that they did something wrong. If these sorts of issues begin to affect the holiday, it’s likely time to sit down with your child and have the talk.

When breaking the news, try to frame the myth positively.

Don’t start by saying, “We lied,” and don’t start with an apology. By breaking the news gently, you can give this difficult childhood experience a more positive spin.

“If you decide to share the secret, it’s important not to let your child see this as a lie, or even a fib,” Kryss says. “Instead, explain that the magic of the season is based on bringing joy to others. Santa isn’t a lie, he’s simply an example of the holiday spirit.”

Bring the child into this secret rather than to make them feel silly for believing the myth.

“Suggest ‘playing Santa’ together,” Kryss says. “Find strangers to gift gifts, or bake cookies for a neighbor. Help your child write kind letters to family members. Many local religious and community organizations host holiday celebrations that are open to the public, which may also help the child to understand the bigger picture. The goal is to share the concept … that the magic of the holiday season is real.”

At the end of the day, the Santa Claus myth is fairly harmless.

Of course, every child is different, but kids can be perceptive, and they’ll typically resolve the Santa question on their own without much trouble. Pay attention to your parental instincts, and don’t get too concerned if you haven’t noticed any troubling behavior.
If you’re still worried that telling your child about Santa Claus will cause permanent trauma, we’ll leave you with the wise words of a 13-year-old girl. She was part of the first known psychological study of the Santa Claus myth, which was performed in 1896, and she sums up the opinions of our experts pretty wonderfully.

“Indeed, I do think that young children should be taught to believe in Santa Claus,” the anonymous girl wrote in response to a question posed by researchers.
“In the first place, it is a pretty myth and will give them pleasure and will never do them any harm, unless it is used to frighten them into being good, and even then I think it won’t hurt them to amount to anything.”
“I believe in giving little children all the harmless pleasure they can have,” she continued. “Let them believe in fairy tales and myths, it won’t do them any harm, and little children find out soon enough that things are not as they are represented to be, without having it drummed into them from early childhood.”

It is a pretty myth.

People have been discussing the Santa myth for well over a century, and for the most part, the answer has remained the same: Don’t worry too much, keep Santa fun, and above all else, enjoy the spirit of the season.

In 2012, actor Alicia Silverstone made headlines when she released a video of herself feeding her infant son. The video revealed that she likes to chew her son’s food up before feeding it to him, much like a bird would feed its hatchlings.

It goes without saying that people were shocked. But for Silverstone, there was nothing strange about it. She claimed that it was a “weaning process” and that she certainly wasn’t the first parent to do so.
The public’s outraged response might suggest that her mealtime ritual isn’t quite the time-honored tradition she claims it is. But it does raise an important question: Is the shocked reaction to such techniques really warranted?
Much like unconventional baby names, there’s been an undeniable rise in the popularity of alternative parenting methods in recent years. And when it comes to other people’s parenting choices, it can often feel like everyone’s a critic.
Take a look at some of the most controversial modern parenting techniques and decide for yourself.

1. Gender-Neutral Parenting

Gender is one of the most hotly debated topics right now. More and more people are feeling comfortable openly identifying with a gender other than the one they were assigned at birth or even rejecting the gender binary entirely.
It’s a pretty big sociological shakeup, and not all of society is on board with this new dynamic. Considering this, it’s not hard to see why there’s been such a backlash against raising a child without the notion of gender.
The traditional method of childrearing places a heavy emphasis on gender. Gender-appropriate names, clothing, and even toys all play a role in a many children’s upbringing.

Advocates of gender-neutral parenting would argue that this is assigning a child a gender identity at birth instead of allowing them to identify as what feels natural to them. It also prevents children from engaging in interests that are traditional to a gender other than their own.
With gender-neutral parenting, children can enjoy whatever clothing, hairstyle, toys, or games they want without feeling pressured or shamed for their choices. Basically, they’re given the freedom to express themselves however they choose.
Gender politics is a highly controversial subject. Rejecting the gender binary is rejecting the status quo, which is bound to ruffle a few feathers. Parents who use this method are sometimes accused of pushing their agenda onto their children.

Some people, such as sexual neuroscientist Debra W. Soh, argue that attempts to raise children gender-neutral are pointless, as they’re still likely to pursue gender-typical interests.
Nevertheless, it’s a far cry from abuse—despite what some might claim.

2. Attachment Parenting

Another celebrity who’s often making headlines for her parenting choices is The Big Bang Theory star Mayim Bialik. She’s a big fan of attachment parenting, a topic that she discusses often in interviews.
Attachment parenting aims to deepen the bond between mother and child. This is done with babywearing, extended breastfeeding, and co-sleeping.

Bialik breastfed one of her sons until he was 4 years old—something she faced a lot of backlash for.
Although some find attachment parenting amazing, others aren’t so convinced. For example, Barbara M. Ostfeld, PhD, a professor of pediatrics at Rutgers Robert Wood Johnson Medical School, recently held a Reddit AMA about the risk factors associated with bed-sharing.
In the discussion, she explained that “with respect to bed-sharing, the [American Academy of Pediatrics] notes that it is especially risky and to be avoided under several conditions such as sleeping with a term infant under 4 months of age.”
Laura Paret, PhD, is a child and adolescent psychologist who works with children, adolescents, and their families to treat a range of behavioral challenges at Union Square Practice in New York City. “Attachment theory, in my opinion, has the strongest research basis for explaining how parent–child relationships later impact children as adults,” she says.
Paret works with parents in coaching them to “adopt an authoritative parenting style, drawing from Baumrind’s seminal work on the topic,” a theory that bears similarity to attachment parenting.
“Essentially both theories highlight the need for children to have warm, empathic connection—i.e. a ‘safe haven’ of comfort and security, from an attachment perspective—and encouragement to take on challenges and explore the world within firm limits set by the parents—i.e. a ‘secure base’ from which children can explore their worlds but also understanding behavioral expectations and boundaries the parents hold,” Paret says.

She focuses on “optimizing the relationship connection” by helping parents learn how to give attention and praise during play and quality time. Paret says that this form of “affirmation coaching” helps promote both emotional literacy and intelligence in children, which in turn encourages their ability to solve problems independently while nurturing their self-esteem.
“Special play time and other relationship-building strategies can quickly increase the sense of safety and attachment within the parent–child relationship, at which point approaches that follow from an ‘authoritative’ parenting style come next, such as behavioral-modification strategies like limit setting, natural and logical consequences, selective attention, and rewards/incentives,” she says.
“Research shows that on the whole, these approaches translate into children’s improved ability to be self-reliant [and] emotionally intelligent [and have] stronger peer relationships and academic performance and [improved] relationship quality throughout the life span.”
Filmmaker Jacqui Blue is a producer best known for the documentary Beautiful Births. She’s an advocate for more holistic parenting methods and has spent almost a decade studying pregnancy and childbirth. She also happens to be a single mom of five boys ages 9 to 14.
Blue is a big fan of attachment-parenting methods and implemented them with her own children.

“When my kids were younger my parenting style included breastfeeding (extended), co-sleeping, babywearing, and we danced to the Wiggles all the time.”
Blue says she has seen co-sleeping not be ideal for some parents, whose children refuse to sleep in their own bed up to the age of 12. Nevertheless, her experience was a positive one.
“While my kids were nursing and not sleeping through the night, co-sleeping made life so much easier,” she says. “In addition to emotional bonds, mother and child have physiological responses to one another, which is really quite fascinating.”
She says that although she and her family work well together as a team, “personal independence” is highly encouraged.
“Personal responsibility, boundaries, and respect are big deals in my home and things I wish our society overall would learn how to implement,” she says.

3. Gentle Parenting

Similar to attachment parenting, gentle parenting doesn’t use rewards or punishment when teaching children what’s wrong and right. Parents who raise their children with gentle parenting techniques will avoid saying words like “no” or “don’t” and aren’t fans of rewarding good behavior with what could be interpreted as a bribe (“I’ll give you a piece of candy if you clean your room!”)

This method is supposed to help children think about their actions on a deeper level rather than blindly obeying their parents because of an expected reaction. In theory, they’ll learn to be respectful and compassionate but also not feel scared of their parents’ reactions to their behavior.
Of course, a lot of parents would balk at the idea of never telling their kid “no” or allowing them to discuss every parenting decision. After all, they’re going to be hearing the word “no” a lot when they leave the nest.

4. Involving Children in Childbirth

If you have younger siblings, your earliest memory of them is probably when they were brought home from the hospital. But some parents are now having all their kids present for the birth of their new siblings, allowing them to welcome the new addition to the family as soon as they take their first breath.
Seeing someone give birth is a pretty intense experience, which is exactly why not everyone thinks it’s appropriate for kids to be in the room. There are fears that it might be too stressful for a young child to understand.

For parents who do include their kids in the birth, it’s important to prepare them for what’s about to happen, especially if they’re young. That way they’ll feel less confused about seeing their mother in so much pain.
The University of Michigan’s CS Mott Children’s Hospital has some ideas for involving older siblings in the birth of a new baby, suggesting that they may even like to cut the cord to feel really involved in the process.

5. The Ferber Method (AKA “Crying it out”)

It might not be new, but it’s certainly controversial. The Ferber method is a form of sleep training that involves leaving a baby be when they cry instead of instantly picking them up or feeding them.
Suffice to say, Blue isn’t fond of the Ferber method.
“The mainstream idea here is that the baby learns to self-soothe,” she says. “Some parents will let their infant scream for hours until the child just passes out from exhaustion … and call it ‘self soothing’ or ‘learning who’s boss and they won’t manipulate me!'”

So are babies manipulating their parents by crying? According to Blue, no.
“An infant does not know how to manipulate,” she says. “If an infant is crying in the middle of the night, the child needs something—food, a diaper change, or just to feel Mommy’s heartbeat. It’s too easy to forget where the baby just came from and the harsh world it’s having to adjust to. Mother’s heartbeat is soothing and reminds them of a warm, safe space.”
Granted, the Ferber method does allow parents to touch their baby—but not hold them.

6. Co-Parenting

Co-parenting is a broad term that describes non-traditional modes of raising children. It could involve someone raising a baby with a platonic friend who isn’t their romantic partner or raising a baby in a romantic, polyamorous relationship—that is, a relationship that involves more than two people.

Children who are co-parented often have more than two parents who contribute to their upbringing.
Despite the modern age we live in, many people still subscribe to a traditional view of a family, with one mother and one father who are romantically involved. In co-parenting situations there’s a fear that children will be confused—or worse, traumatized—by so many parental figures.

But as one study demonstrates, people have been co-parenting for years thanks to extended family members taking on equal responsibility for children.
Although little research has been done on the effect of having multiple parents (such as many mothers and/or fathers), it hasn’t been shown to traumatize anyone. If anything, a larger support system is ultimately healthier for a child’s development.

7. Unschooling

Unschooling is a form of homeschooling that involves the students choosing what they learn and how they learn it. There’s a strong emphasis placed on learning through experiences. For example, instead of teaching children about fractions from a textbook, parents might bake a cake with their kids and explain fractions using measuring cups.

With unschooling there is a risk that children could have gaps in essential knowledge simply because they don’t feel like learning specific things—for example, math. Some kids may also exploit this method by procrastinating, claiming that they’d rather do something like bake a cake than read a book.
The key to unschooling is creativity. Real-world experience is a great way to learn skills, and, done the right way, ideally it will keep kids engaged long enough for them to gain the knowledge they need.

What’s the big deal?

Whether it’s boys wearing dresses or parents leaving their babies to cry, there will always be people on either side of the argument. But when it comes to what’s wrong or right, it is crucial to stay informed.
Blue says it’s important for parents to do their research when deciding what’s best for them and their children.
“Don’t worry about if something is ‘controversial’ or not, because someone is going to have something to say about it, no matter what you do,” she says. “That’s just the way it is. But if you research and get facts, talk to other parents, hear their personal experiences, read books, talk to doctors, read medical journals—do all of that and then with all the information you have, figure out what makes sense to you; what do you feel is best for you and your family? What are you most comfortable with and what don’t you trust? If you do that—gather as much information as you can—and then make an educated and informed choice, you can feel confident in your parenting choices, regardless of what anyone else has to say about it.”

And don’t forget: No one has it all figured out, no matter what they tell you.

In the midst of researching babywearing, vaccinations, and first foods, I stumbled across the idea of baby sign language. I was the first of my friends to have a child, so I hadn’t seen baby signing in action, but reading about it intrigued me.
I knew babies communicated long before they had words, but teaching them to use sign language? I wasn’t quite sure.
But I gave it a go, and guess what? My daughter and I loved being able to “talk” before her verbal skills developed. Implementing sign language gave me insight into what she needed, and it gave her the opportunity to communicate more effectively.
There are flickers of baby sign language as far back as the 1800s. Then, William Whitney, a linguist, noticed that children of deaf parents were more likely to communicate—with sign language—more than a year before children in hearing families, at 6 months old.
This observation was left stagnant until the 1980s, when Joseph Garcia, EdD and ASL interpreter, made a similar observation. Babies who used sign language started around 6 months, and by 9 months, they had “substantial vocabularies.” This is quite the feat when most 1–2 year olds have just a few spoken words to communicate with.

Parents need to understand that they are the language model for the child and are key to the success.

Study of baby sign language continued, and Linda Acredolo, PhD, and Susan Goodwyn, PhD, won a number of National Institutes of Health grants after implementing baby sign language with Acredolo’s daughter. Through their personal and professional research, they concluded that sign language offered the following benefits for the child:

• Less frustration, resulting in reduced tantrums
• Closer bond to caregivers
• A larger speaking vocabulary
• Multi-lingual communication
• 12 IQ point advantage

Baby sign language, at its core, is a simple process of correlation—cause and effect. Babies learn through repetition. It takes practice, but by reinforcing a specific sign with a specific action, they eventually catch on and gain a “word.”
Amy McKnight, a Signing Time Academy specialist with over four years of experience in the baby signing field, says, “I tell my parents that the sooner you can begin using Sign Language in the home, the better. I have clients starting as young as a couple months. And with consistency and repetition, critical keys, an average child may be signing before they are a year old. Parents need to understand that they are the language model for the child and are key to the success.”

McKnight says she cherishes “the beauty of ASL and [I] thoroughly love creating a communication pathway for my families.” And that’s truly the perfect way to describe baby sign language: a communication pathway. And who wouldn’t want to better communicate with their baby?
If baby sign language is something that interests you, take note of these beginning words and signs to know. You can see each sign described in action in a visual dictionary like the ones found here and here.

“Eat”

Hunger is a basic instinct, and when babies can communicate that feeling, they are less likely to grow frustrated and whine about their need for a meal.

To sign “eat”: Pinch your hand together, tip of the thumb meeting the tip of the other fingers, and tap it on your mouth.

“Please” and “Thank You”

Diane, a mom of one, loved teaching her son the signs for “please” and “thank you.”
“We didn’t do a ton [of signing,] but please, thank you, and more were invaluable!” she shares. “I started only because a group of moms I knew recommended it, and, to be honest, I didn’t think it would actually work! Hindsight, I kind of wish we would have done more words, but oh well.”
Diane has seen early sign language transfer into her now-4-year-old’s vocabulary. “I think learning early to ‘say’ please and thank you, even before he could verbalize those words, made an easier and more natural transition to saying please and thank you when he could talk,” she says.
“It was just what he’d already been used to saying … I’m obviously big on manners! He gets compliments even now, as a preschooler, on how good his manners are.”

To sign “please”: Make an “L” with your hand, fingers tight together and thumb outstretched, with palm facing in. Rub on your chest.

To sign “thank you”: Touch your fingers to your chin and motion out.

“More” and “All Done”

“When we started feeding them solids,” says Kari, a mom of four, “we started teaching mealtime related signs like ‘more’ and ‘all done.’ It made meals more fun and interactive for all of us.”
I, too, love these two signs. Dare I say, knowing how to communicate “more” and “all done” makes eating with a child enjoyable! As soon as my kids learned “all done,” the throwing of food was greatly reduced.

To sign “more”: Pinch your fingers and thumb together with both hands, then bend towards the palm to create and “O” shape. Tap fingertips together repeatedly.
To sign “all done”: Hold both hands up, palms in. Then, turn palms out.

“Water” and “Milk”

Kati, a mom of two, did her reading when it came to teaching her firstborn sign language. “We watched and read Sign With Your Baby by Joseph Garcia, which made it easy and fun for us to learn a lot of vocabulary quickly!”

Based on her research, Kati started teaching her daughter at 4 months, and by 6 months, she says, “Mia was signing ‘milk’ instead of crying when she was hungry.”
“She picked up other signs over the next 4–6 months and blew us away! We had a communicative and happy baby—seriously, almost zero screaming or crying.”
To sign “water”: Make the sign for the letter “W” (three middle fingers up, thumb and pinkie tucked in) and tap your index finger to your chin.

To sign “milk”: Create a fist and squeeze. Release and repeat.

“Change Diaper”

If you can’t smell it, watch for your baby to sign it! Personally, I’ve found that we use this sign more and more in the toddler years. I use it when it’s time to change so they know what’s coming—so much about communication is about fair expectations.

You can either sign “diaper,” which requires your hands to be at your hips, or you can sign “change,” which can be done at chest height.
To sign “diaper”: With hands at the hips, take your index and middle finger and tap together with your thumb.

To sign “change”: Place your fists on top of each other, with your fingers touching. Extend your index fingers into hooks, and then change the positions of your hands.

“Hurts”

This is such an effective sign to learn! Sometimes, the hurt isn’t as visible as a scratched knee; maybe their belly hurts, or they have a bruise that hasn’t yet formed. If a little one can communicate an external or internal hurt with a sign, the parent can more quickly find a solution.
To sign “hurt”: Create fists with both hands, extend the index finger, and tap those fingers together. Tapping near the hurt body point signifies where the hurt is.

“Help”

“One of my favorite signs,” says Kristine, a mom of two. “I loved using signs because then they could communicate without whining or crying for what they need.”

To sign “help”: With one hand flat, palm facing up, and the other in a fist with thumb up, place your fist hand on top of the flat hand, and move upwards.

McKnight noted that other popular first signs are “mom,” “dad,” “dog,” and “cat.” Because, of course, after you can communicate what you need, you want to communicate about things you love! Other moms chimed in with a few favorites like “cracker,” “ball,” “hot,” and “sleep.”
No matter the words you choose to start learning alongside your baby, it’s crucial to understand the stages children go through when learning sign language. According to McKnight, this is what to expect:

1. A blank, curious stare while you’re signing when your child isn’t sure what you’re saying. Since all children are processing language at this point, it is a time where immense learning can occur.
2. The acknowledgement that the child understands what you are signing, e.g. “Do you want your MILK?” The child begins to know and anticipate the item about to be presented.
3. You are signing and your child begins moving their arms and hands (although not with great clarity) to indicate, “I understand, and I am signing back to you.”
4. The child’s signs begin to emerge as they mimic the correct sign.

If it sounds like baby signing is for you and your family, spend some of those late night feedings in the early weeks educating yourself on the options. There are many!
Learn the first two or three signs you want to begin with, and start using them long before you think your baby might catch on. They are watching. They are learning long before they physically respond.
Currently, I have a 6-week-old, and even now, I see him responding to certain cues. For example, when I place a burp cloth under his chin, he instinctively turns his head that direction, mouth wide open. He knows it’s time to nurse. This is how it begins. As my baby grows and begins interacting more, his siblings and I plan to practice simple signs with him to tear down communication barriers and begin understanding exactly what he needs when he needs it.

Start your research by using one of the many sources online. Most of all, connect with other parents and children who are also learning baby sign language. Nothing is greater than peer-to-peer support!