Month: December 2017

Many child performers … emerge with symptoms of anxiety and even depression when they fail to meet their parents’, as well as their own, high expectations.

I’ve never met a mom who doesn’t regret a decision she’s made about her children.
Some moms admit that they wish they’d been harder on or expected more of their children; others admit the exact opposite. Personally, I regularly feel I’ve put too much pressure on my oldest, who is not quite 6, to grow up faster than necessary. It’s difficult not to get caught up in their potential, wanting them to succeed and do well in school, dance, or sports.
I try to check myself anytime I notice I’m getting a little uptight about teaching her to read or feeling anxious that I haven’t enrolled her in dance, sports, or gymnastics. I know that, without limits and boundaries, parents can let their own interests and obsessions overpower what is best for their children.

Nothing makes this more evident than the bizarre world of the reality TV show Toddlers & Tiaras, which features toddler beauty pageant participants—and the moms that coach them through the whole thing.
Perhaps the most controversial moment on this show took place in 2011, when mom Wendy Dickey dressed her 3-year-old child as, well, a “woman of the night” for a pageant. She put her daughter, Paisley, in a revealing outfit that was obviously a nod to the woman Julia Roberts played in the film Pretty Woman. And for what? To win a contest?

Of course, most parents aren’t taking things quite that far. Still, day in and day out, moms are crossing the line of supportive parent and turning into “stage moms” in their own right. It’s not just moms who are guilty, either: The same can be said for fathers who let their love of a sport and their competitive spirit turn them into total out-of-control sports dads with no regard for what’s best for their children.
According to John Mayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist at Doctor On Demand, there are usually two explanations for why parents push their children too hard to perform.

“First, they are living vicariously through their child,” he says. “Second, the parents’ expectations of the child’s performance, interest, benefit, or ownership of the activity is inaccurate.”
Still, it is normal to want success for your child. So where is the line between supportive mom and stage mom? What sets cheerleading your children apart from excessive, ultra-competitive coaching?

The Good

Extracurricular activities, like dance, sports, or even pageants, aren’t inherently bad. In fact, at their core, they hold a lot of benefits for the children involved.

For starters, participation in extracurricular activities is associated with a lowered risk of substance abuse in high school, according to research in the journal Adolescent and Family Health. We also know that sports specifically promote strong relationships between kids and their friends, teachers, and family, as noted in the journal Sociology of Education.
“I am an advocate that all children should be participating in at least one extracurricular activity throughout the school year, and during the summer [I recommend they] increase that number,” Mayer says.

He further explains that many schools have shifted the focus of their curriculums to STEM subjects, i.e., science, technology, engineering, and math. Extracurricular activities can fill in the gaps, according to Mayer: They give children the chance to participate in physical education, the arts, music, and more when their school doesn’t provide that option during the school day.

Additionally, Mayer isn’t shy about the overwhelming benefits of these activities when it comes to child and adolescent development. He says these extracurriculars can teach teamwork, patience, and hard work. Participation can improve academic performance, aid the development of important social skills, and are beneficial to the child’s cognitive development, too.
“Extracurriculars stimulate areas of the brain, primarily in the frontal cortex, that stimulate creativity, artistic skills, empathy,” he says.

The Bad

Of course, even proponents of extracurriculars believe there can be too much of a good thing. In Mayer’s opinion, when involvement in extracurricular activities like sports and dance becomes so stressful to a child that they no longer want to be involved, that may be a clue that their parents are pushing too hard—or that the parents have let their own interests supersede what is best for the child.
Even children who don’t say they are no longer enjoying the activity may exhibit certain symptoms that can act as clues to parents and coaches.

“Many child performers who have too much pressure to achieve and perform emerge with symptoms of anxiety and even depression when they fail to meet their parents’, as well as their own, high expectations,” explains Fran Walfish, PsyD, a Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent.
According to Walfish, some of these children may develop what she calls “spoiled brat syndrome,” behaving so poorly that even their peers begin to back off, leaving them socially isolated.

Children who are unhappy with their involvement in certain activities but are afraid to say so may complain regularly about the coach, the instructor, or the other children involved, says Mayer. He also notes that any time parents find that they’re regularly yelling at their children about the participation in an activity, that’s a pretty good sign they’ve crossed the line from supportive parent to pushy “stage mom.”
“I see this every day in some form,” he says. “Just today, while consulting at a high school, a student was brought to me because he was depressed. I uncovered that the root of his depression was that his father screamed at him and punished him for dropping a sport.”

The Ugly

When parents push their kids much too hard in a specific activity, they just might be trying to find fulfillment that is missing from their life, according to Walfish.
“Stage moms generally have unfulfilled fantasies of their own,” she explains. “They attempt—usually without conscious awareness—to live out their dreams through their child. They push too hard, control, and over-direct their kids onto the stage.”

If “the bad” of being a stage mom is the fact that children may act out or experience anxiety and social isolation, than “the ugly” is the fact that too much pressure to perform has long-term negative impacts on children. Children and teens of stage moms often grow up to experience mental health struggles, according to Walfish: Because stage moms may be projecting their own identities onto their children, those children might have underdeveloped senses of self-identity.
“Sadly, many children of highly pressuring moms or dads evolve into adolescence and adulthood with a developed false self,” she says. “These kids grow up feeling a distorted belief that their mother will only love them if they present themselves in the highest form of achievement or personality-plus demeanor, not their true self.”

These children may grow into the adults who feel that no one sees, or loves, who they truly are. And even when they are highly successful, they may experience feelings that they are frauds, undeserving of the success they achieved.
The constant attention and pressure can also result in a child who believes the world revolves around them and their performance: A belief that will quickly be shattered in the adult world when they are no longer the center of attention.

What’s next for these children?

Some parents, of course, have restraint in their cheerleading. Their children, then, will experience the many benefits of extracurriculars; their parents just need to pay attention to them and make sure they’re participating in things they truly enjoy.
Yet children like Paisley, whose parents are so deeply entrenched in their own fantasies, have a difficult road ahead of them. In Walfish’s professional opinion, these kids must achieve a level of separation from their parents in order to recover from the damaging effects of a high-pressure childhood.

This is because most of these moms are completely unaware of how their own unfulfilled fantasies are causing harm to their child, according to Walfish, who doesn’t believe “stage moms” have much of a chance of making a change. Instead, she believes the focus of intervention should be on the affected child.
“If a warmly attuned therapist, teacher, coach, or extended family member can earn the trust of the child, a powerful message can be communicated to the child that explains the mother’s unresolved issues that have been put upon the child,” she explains. Conversations about the source of the pressure to perform can help the child to separate themselves and their identity from the parent’s issues.

“Separation is key to the child’s healing,” Walfish continues. “Separation only can happen when initiated and navigated by the child,” he says, noting that this separation often comes in adulthood.
What does that mean for shows like Toddlers & Tiaras? Even though some stage moms may never understand that their behavior is unacceptable, we have hope that the shows produces understand that a line was crossed: The show wasn’t renewed in 2017.

“No,” I replied firmly. Again.
My son, almost 4 years old at the time, stomped his foot, stuck out his tongue, and began to wail. His cries grew louder and louder, his thrashing bigger and bigger.
This time, thankfully, we were at home. The meltdowns in public traumatize me to the core as onlookers question my parenting and often shake their heads in disbelief at such a sweet little person’s intense volume.
I wish there had been a reason for his outburst, and while technically I had said no to a second cookie, his reaction far outweighed the situation. But that’s how it goes with temper tantrums. Or so I thought.
In actuality, responding to no more cookies was merely the surface of my son’s temper tantrum. Below that was so much more.

Don’t try to fix it, just listen and hear the child.

What propels a child into a tantrum might seem like a mystery, but Brendan Mahan, an educator and parent coach specializing in ADHD awareness and other childhood troubles, states, “Temper tantrums are developmentally appropriate responses to a child being overwhelmed … they’re about emotions, and specifically emotions that are stronger than the child can manage on their own.”
And that is what we as parents need to remember: Where we have learned over the years to manage our emotions, our young children are still mastering those skills. That’s why almost anything and everything can set them off.
Think of the things that shift your emotions into overdrive: when you’re sad, overwhelmed, or frustrated; when you lose control over a situation; when you feel hungry; or perhaps you simply have an off day. It’s the same with children. Our role as parents is to provide a safe place and de-escalate our children’s emotions when they reach extreme levels.

When on the receiving end of a tantrum, it’s easy to feel embarrassed or judged. I know I do. But every parent has been there…or will be. Elisabeth Stitt, certified co-active coach and founder of Joyful Parenting Coaching, claims that parents with easy-going children might experience fewer tantrums, but no parent can avoid them completely. So remember, approach your child with love and understanding when a temper tantrum strikes. Then, utilize the tools below to diffuse the situation and collaborate with your child to effectively deal with the next tantrum—it will inevitably happen.

Find the source.

“Once the tantrum starts, it is best not to get angry. Let them know that you understand how they feel, [say] ‘I see you are feeling frustrated.’” Kathy Walsh Rothschild, the creator of parenting/child resource Peace Place for Kids, shares. “Don’t try to fix it, just listen and hear the child. Encourage them to express feelings, and it will help get to the underlying cause.”

Elena Mikalsen, PhD, a clinical psychologist with expertise in parenting, lists an array of potential reasons for a child’s temper tantrum: hunger, exhaustion, frustration, worry, sadness, sensory overload, illness, pain, feeling ignored, and lacking attention (just to get the ball rolling). After a temper tantrum ends, immediately think back, and see if you can match a source with your child’s outburst.

Looking back, there is no doubt that many of my son’s tantrums were linked to two triggers—hunger and routine modification.
Almost all of his tantrums happened leading up to a meal. Or if he had missed out on a protein-rich breakfast, I could almost guarantee a crash midmorning. I also noticed that on weekends when his grandparents visited, and there was extra excitement, modified naps, and more people to engage with, a tantrum might ensue. Not knowing what to expect and having his routine thrown off was no doubt a way to welcome a tantrum.

If temper tantrums are peaking with your child, consider keeping a diary to truly watch and catalog their individual triggers. Then, you can work to avoid those triggers—or at least prepare yourself for an upheaval.

Increase communication and touch.

It’s never too early to talk to your children, no matter how young they are. During the tantrum, you won’t be able to reason with them.
“When things are calm, talk over the reasons they had it,” Mahan says. “Maybe something was bothering them that you didn’t know about. Getting that information can help avoid future outbursts.”

Each of my children have spoken later in their toddler years, but with each of them, I have learned that they understand some things far before they can articulate their feelings. By talking to them, I give them words and validation when things feel out of control. Most recently, at the close of my toddler’s tantrum over having to turn off Paw Patrol, I simply asked, “Do you need a hug to feel better?” And he nodded.

Stitt encourages parents to keep a physical connection during a tantrum if the child will accept. “A hand or a hug or a lap,” she says. “If he won’t, just sit as close as he will allow.”

Stay away from certain situations.

“Avoid highly stimulating environments: places that are loud, brightly lit, full of flashing screens, etc.” Mahan says. “Basically, don’t take your kid to Buffalo Wild Wings.” Think triggers.

You know your child, and you can document when tantrums occur. Then you’ll likely know when they might happen again. If certain places, people, or situations tip them off, avoid them…for everyone’s sakes.

Don’t try to stop it.

Deborah, a mom of four, has researched tantrums in order to aid her own family in more effectively managing them. “I’ve come to realize that [stopping a tantrum] is like forcing my kids to stop laughing,” she shares. And who can do that?
Rather, allow the tantrum to run its course and in the midst, stay calm. Easier said than done, I know.

“Because our calm helps a child calm down,” Stitt says, “it is important to stay present with a child.” Our self-regulation acts as a type of osmosis for a child mid-tantrum, and, although it might not seem like it’s helping, by breathing deep and centering ourselves, we model what we eventually expect from our child.

Don’t say no.

Imagine this: a world of all yeses! Sounds lovely, doesn’t it? Mikalsen encourages parents to say yes as often as possible, or at least choose phrases that aren’t situated around the word “no.” Her ideas include: “Let me think about this,” “I would love to let you have _____ right after…,” and “I can see you really want to _____; next time we definitely can.”

My own mom recently encouraged me to do this, too. “Be a yes mom,” she says. No is such a harsh, definitive word that choosing to say yes, or a yes alternative, avoids unnecessary battles.

Give them a tool box.

Liisa, a mom of two, subscribes to the tool box theory: “For each kid, we have a tool box. I have been learning that I need more help from others, and I have to acquire different tools for each kid.” What are those tools? Well, there’s quite a few. Begin with these and tailor them to your child’s age and personality:

• Deep breathing: You start and ask them to follow.
• Meditation: This is something to practice before a tantrum. Then you can be the voice of reason that quietly asks them to close their eyes and focus on their happy place when a tantrum begins to overtake.
• Sleep well: Establish routines that help avoid tantrums in the first place. “Lack of sleep leads directly to emotional dysregulation,” Mahan says. So no skipping naps or staying up past bedtime regularly!
• Find a dark, quiet place: Leaving a situation that triggers tantrums is often enough to stop the escalation.
• Allow hitting within reason: When emotions overload, sometimes a child needs a physical release. For younger children, give them a pillow to pound. For older ones, offer a punching bag.
• Eat a snack: Hunger does crazy things to a child’s system. Mikalsen encourages parents to always keep a snack on hand to curb a tantrum.

As your child’s personality develops and their vocabulary grows, converse with them outside of their tantrums about their feelings, and ask them what they feel might help. Together, you can add to the tool box over time, and reach for options when it’s needed.

An ineffective way for parents to deal with temper tantrums is to have one themselves.

Most of all, I learned from fellow moms and experts, who hear from many parents about their child’s tantrums, that effectively dealing with tantrums is more about dealing with myself than my child.
Children will throw tantrums no matter what. As Mahan shared, it’s developmentally appropriate for children to cycle through a season of tantrums. Nothing is wrong. In fact, everything is right! They’re experiencing emotions, and we’re merely tasked with coaching them through those feelings.

“An ineffective way for parents to deal with temper tantrums is to have one themselves,” Mahan implores parents. “Getting angry with and/or yelling at your kid over their temper tantrum only models bad behavior and establishes an unhealthy pattern.” So, as embarrassing and overwhelming as your child’s tantrum can be, keep yourself centered.

Finally, Stitt gives parents a bit of hope when they feel lost in the tunnel of tantrums: “Reminding yourself that tantrums peak around 4 years old and then taper off might help you stay calm until the storm has passed!” Hold strong, moms and dads, temper tantrums won’t be around forever! Then again, don’t hold your breath for your child’s fifth birthday, since every child is different.