Month: January 2018

Categories
Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Cloth Diapers

When I was pregnant, I never dreamed I’d spend as much time as I do thinking about my baby’s diapers and bathroom habits.
But I do. And guess what? I LOVE IT. Because you know what? Even my baby’s stinky poops are adorable.
That said, I decided pretty early in my pregnancy that I wanted to cloth diaper. I’d heard it was better for the environment than using disposable diapers, and when you consider that the average baby goes through about 10 diapers a day, I figured reusable cloth diapers would be more economical in the long run.
I did my homework, and while there are definitely pros and cons to both disposable and cloth diapers, I ultimately decided I wanted to cover my baby’s precious tushy in cloth.
If you’re on the fence about cloth diapering, I’ve got you covered (Get it? Because diapers cover your baby’s sweet little bum).
Read on to learn more than you ever wanted to know about cloth diapering…

Save some sweet moolah.

Disposable diapers are really handy, but can add up to a a big expense. It’s estimated that the average family spends about $500 on diapers each year. Depending on when your kid is potty-trained, that adds up to about $1,500 in diapers alone.
By comparison, I spent about $400 for my whole cloth diaper stash, which I can use through potty training, and for any additional kids (if we survive the first one).

It ain’t easy being green.

One of the reasons I originally wanted to use cloth diapers was to be more environmentally friendly. Disposable diapers aren’t completely biodegradable, and it’s estimated that up to 20 billion diapers go to landfills each year.
No wonder landfills are so stinky.
However, cloth diapers aren’t without their environmental downsides.
Cloth diapers have to be washed almost daily on hot wash cycles, which requires a lot of non-renewable energy. Additionally, cloth diapers are often made of cotton fibers. Unless it’s organic, cotton production is pesticide-heavy, which isn’t great for the environment either.

So what’s a new mom to do?

I work from home, so I figured I’d be able to keep up with all the laundry, I liked that we’d save money by cloth diapering, and let’s face it: Cloth diaper prints are just so stinking cute.
So, I determined to cloth diaper.
I immediately realized that I misjudged how much time I’d have to keep up with the mountain of diapers that had to be washed daily.
Keeping a baby alive all day, every day is hard work, y’all.
Also, cloth diapers are a huge pain to use when you have to leave home. If you have to change a cloth diaper on the go, you also have to carry a gross diaper around with you all day long.
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Size can be an issue, too. Most cloth diapers fit babies starting at eight pounds. My baby weighed almost eight pounds at birth, so I figured he’d be able to wear his cloth diapers immediately.
Not so much. The cloth diapers we’d purchased were comically large on his scrawny little newborn butt, so we wound up using disposable diapers for about two months, until he fattened up a little bit.
Even though we’d practiced cloth diapering, my husband was intimidated by all the ins and outs of cloth diapers, and still uses disposables if he has to change a dirty diaper.
I’ll be totally honest: We’re really lazy. I estimate that we use cloth diapers about half the time—far short of our initial goal.
Whether or not you decide to cloth diaper is totally up to you, but  if you do decide to cloth diaper, here’s what you need to know before you start accumulating your stash.

Pockets, prefolds, and fitteds, oh my!

Cloth diapers usually contain an absorbent microfiber or cotton insert surrounded by a waterproof diaper cover. However, there are several different types of cloth diapers on the market, and choosing which type is right for your munchkin’s hiney can be totally overwhelming.
Before you buy, I’ve created a quick guide outlining the most popular types of cloth diapers.

All-in-Ones

All-in-one cloth diapers are exactly what they sound like. All-in-ones go on just like a disposable and the whole diaper can be popped into the washing machine, which makes it the most convenient type of cloth diaper. However, because they’re so convenient, all-in-ones are often the priciest type of cloth diaper, ringing up at around $25 a piece.
Want it all (in one)? I recommend BumGenious’s Freetime All-In-One Cloth Diaper.

Pocket Diapers

Pocket diapers are my personal favorites. A pocket diaper looks like an all-in-one, but has a pocket at one end that contains a removable microfiber or cotton insert. The insert is removed and washed when the diaper is soiled. While the insert adds an extra step in the washing process, I like pocket diapers because you can add extra stuffing if your baby is a heavy wetter. Pocket diapers are often less expensive, and can usually be purchased for five or six bucks per diaper.
Pleased by the pocket? I recommend Mama Koala’s pocket diapers.

Flats and Prefolds

A flat diaper is the kind of cloth diaper your grandma probably used to diaper your mom’s bum. They’re cheap, but you have to be an origami wizard to get them to stay on a wiggly baby butt. Prefolds are similar, but are made of fluffy cotton and can be folded into three sections, with the middle being a super absorbent layer. Both can be pinned on using a snappi (the modern equivalent of diaper pins). I like prefolds because if you’re lazy like me, you can simply fold the diaper longways and lay it in the cover. I also use prefolds for extra stuffing in my other cloth diapers at night so I don’t have to get up to change a midnight diaper.
Want to kick it old school? I recommend Green Mountain Cloth-eez Prefold Diapers for use with Wink Hybrid Diaper Covers.

Fitteds

Fitted diapers are also ultra convenient. They’re made of absorbent cotton and look like disposable diapers with snaps. All fitted diapers must be used with a waterproof diaper cover because the fitted cloth insert isn’t waterproof.  Fitteds, like all-in-ones, can be pricy, but are a lot less bulky than other cloth diaper options.
After the perfect fit? I recommend Mother Ease’s One Size Fitted Cloth Diaper.

Start your stash.

You’ll want to start preparing your diaper stash early. If you’re having a baby shower, cloth diapers and cloth diapering accessories are great items to register for because starting your stash is a totally upfront cost, unlike disposable diapers, which can be bought weekly.
A cloth diaper stash doesn’t have to be large, but at a minimum, you should have at least 10 to 12 cloth diapers on hand. With that many diapers, you’ll more than likely get through one whole day with your baby, but you’ll need to do laundry daily.
I recommend trying a couple different types of cloth diapers to see which ones you like best before purchasing too many of one type. For example, I found out I really love pocket diapers, even though I thought for sure I’d hate having to stuff them each time I used them.

You’re gonna need a bigger washing machine.

The nice thing about disposable diapers is that they’re well, disposable. You take it off, wrap it up, and toss it in the garbage. The biggest inconvenience with disposable diapers is emptying the diaper genie every so often.
Cloth diapers, on the other hand, have to be washed and dried before you can use them again. Depending on the size of your diaper stash (which is the number of diapers you have available for use), you may have to do laundry every day, especially if your baby is a super-pooper.
Before you use your cloth diapers, it’s important to run them through a hot rinse and spin cycle at least three times to ensure their absorbency. It isn’t necessary to dry them in between cycles, but you can if you’d like.
Once your baby starts filling his or her diapers, you’ll want to have a separate stink-proof bag to put the used diapers in until laundry day. You can spend a fortune on a fancy diaper bin, or you can visit the camping section of your local big-box store for a dry-bag with a cinch top, which will also do the trick and keep your nursery smelling fresh as a baby’s bottom.
Now, many cloth diapering blogs will tell you that newborn poopy diapers can simply be thrown in with the wash because newborn poop doesn’t stain cloth.
In my experience, this is a big, fat lie.
Newborn poop is a violent shade of neon orange, and it stains everything. EVERYTHING.
Before throwing a poopy diaper in the pail, saturate it with hot water to keep a stain from setting. If the diaper is still stained post wash, a couple hours in direct sunlight should remove the stain completely.
As for regular laundering, most cloth diaper instructions are ultra-intense, and recommend multiple wash cycles and special detergent, like Rockin’ Green each time.
Me?
Not so much.
I’m lazy. I only do one hot wash cycle with whatever detergent was on sale at the grocery store.
Occasionally, I will do a wash cycle with a couple drops of bleach to strip any residue that’s left behind, but that’s as far as I go.
Mama ain’t got time for multiple wash cycles.

Yikes. Cloth diapers sound like a lot of work.

I’ll be honest. Cloth diapers are a lot more work than I bargained for. But then, raising a kid is a lot more work than I thought it would be, too.
There are pros and cons to both disposable and cloth diapers.
I’ve been a mom for four months, so I’m basically a parenting expert, right? Take my advice: Go with whatever diaper you want! Before you stress spiral about whether or not the diapers your kid wears will affect his chances of getting into Harvard, ask yourself, Is my kid clean and dry in his diaper?
If yes, then you’ve chosen wisely.
That’s what I’d call a parenting win.
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Categories
Favorite Finds Nosh

Navigate The Gourmet Cheese Aisle Like An Expert, Just In Time For National Cheese Lover’s Day

Cheese is delicious, there’s just no denying it. And while stuffing your face full of cheese for every meal (and snack in between) isn’t the wisest of health choices, true connoisseurs can rejoice in knowing that a recent study showed cheese consumption doesn’t increase the likelihood of heart attack or stroke. In fact, scientists have actually discovered a slightly lowered risk of heart disease associated with cheese consumption.
With such wonderful news in mind, it’s time to explore all the fantastic cheeses the dairy case has to offer!

How to Shop for Cheese

If at all possible, sample a small piece before you buy any cheese. The taste of cheese can differ from batch to batch or wheel to wheel, especially when it comes to product from smaller cheesemakers. Most cheese is sold in plastic wrap due to the higher cost of parchment paper, and as long as it’s being eaten relatively quickly, you can leave the cheese you buy wrapped in plastic.
Regardless of how a cheese is packaged, make sure you’re shopping at a store that has high product turnover. While certain firm cheeses are fine for longer periods of time, soft and semi-soft cheeses have a distinctly finite shelf life.

Raw Versus Pasteurized

Although raw milk cheesemaking is still popular in many parts of Europe, raw cheeses sold in the United States must abide by the 60-day rule. This means that the cheese must be aged for a 60-day period before being sold. While there is the potential for listeria growth in younger raw cheeses, cheeses that are pasteurized are still susceptible to listeria growth as long as the cheese is microbially alive.
If you’re pregnant, buying cheese, and worried about listeria, it’s wise to avoid any cheese that’s technically still living (such as blue, washed-rind, and bloomy rind cheeses). While raw milk cheeses have distinct nutritional benefits—including reducing symptoms of asthma and hay fever and aiding digestion—a 2017 study published in Cancer Research found that spermidine, a compound found in aged cheese, can prevent liver cancer.
Many popular cheeses are sold unpasteurized in the United States today. In order to be labeled as such, Parmigiano-Reggiano, Gruyere, and Roquefort all must be made with unpasteurized milk and aged according to the 60-day rule.
Now, let’s get into the specifics of great cheeses so you can craft your perfect shopping list.

Cow’s Milk Cheeses

Because it’s the most prevalent milk in North America, cow’s milk cheeses are ubiquitous throughout fridges all across the country. Never boring and often surprising, artisan cow’s milk cheeses are experiencing a renaissance as cheesemakers experiment with time-honored recipes in small batches.

Rogue River Blue

An award-winning cheese from Oregon, this complex pick is perfect for people just beginning their excursions into the world of blue cheese. Sweet white wines with plenty of body such as Gewürztraminer pair well with this cheese. It’ll also make an ideal accompaniment to your next whiskey or sherry-tasting session.

Winnimere

This funky washed-rind cheese from Jasper Hill Farms is an American riff on Vacherine Mont d’Or, an unpasteurized cheese from the Jura mountains along the French–Swiss border that is only available seasonally. Wrapped in spruce bark to contain its oozing middle, this cheese is pungent, savory, and tantalizingly creamy. Serve Winnimere with your favorite red ale, strong-bodied white wine, or medium-bodied Pinot Noir.

Goat’s Milk Cheeses

Goat’s milk cheeses in the United States are often relegated to the kind of fresh chevré that is most often seen topping salads and pasta dishes. While creamy chevré is an outstanding addition to many dishes, there’s a whole world of goat cheeses waiting to be discovered. Thanks to smaller protein chains, goat’s milk cheese is more easily digested than cow’s milk and has even been shown to reduce LDL cholesterol levels. Goat’s milk cheeses have a distinctive gamey taste and rich texture.

Goat Cheddar

Goat cheddar will be right at home on a grilled cheese sandwich and can be used to make nachos or fondue. The older the cheddar is, the sharper its flavor will be.

Humboldt Fog

Made by California’s Cypress Grove cheese alchemists, this stunning cheese is sure to be a showstopper on any cheese plate. Although Humboldt Fog looks like a blue cheese, this soft-ripened goat cheese has a layer of ash running through its center and is encased in a white bloomy rind. Depending on its age, a young Humboldt Fog will pair well with a rosé while an aged version can stand up to the intense hoppiness of an IPA.

Sheep’s Milk Cheeses

Sheep’s milk cheeses are easy to digest for most people, including individuals who suffer from lactose intolerance and lactose allergies. This is largely due to the fact that sheep’s milk cheeses have lower amounts of lactose than either goat or cow’s milk cheeses. Sheep’s milk cheeses tend to lack the gamey flavors definitive of many goat’s milk cheeses. Popular examples of sheep’s milk cheeses include:

Pecorino Romano

A kitchen staple, this firm Italian grating cheese is great on pasta (especially in the delicious Cacio e Pepe). In fact, any cheese whose name features the prefix “pecorino” is made from sheep’s milk as the word “pecora” means sheep in Italian.

Manchego

This versatile Spanish cheese is available in a variety of ages and is most often sold at 3, 6, or 12 months of age in the United States. Full of nutty and slightly fruity flavors, Manchego is incredibly wine friendly (white, red, and champagne all pair well).

Roquefort

Full of personality, this French bleu cheese is made from unpasteurized sheep’s milk cheese that has been inoculated with Penicillium roqueforti. Roquefort has a tangy flavor that pairs best with fortified wines such as sherry or port, or sweet Rieslings, Gewürztraminers, and Muscats.
 
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Categories
Healthy Relationships Wellbeing

How To Get Over A Breakup According To The Experts

Going through a breakup can be incredibly tough. Never let anyone tell you that it isn’t! Change can be scary, especially if you were with your partner for a long while. But getting over your breakup and onto a fresh start is going to happen for you, we promise. Everyone heals from a breakup at their own rate, so don’t stress about getting over your ex on a timeline.
Settle on in and get a little breakup perspective. We’ve got the best tips for helping you [linkbuilder id=”5395″ text=”get over a breakup”], straight from the experts.

Breakup Brain

You’ve heard that being in love changes your brain, right? Heartbreak changes your brain, too. Going through an emotional breakup has an impact on very specific parts of your brain. Grief is no joke, and your brain chemistry is altered when you’re super bummed about loss.
Grief over a breakup increases activity in the cerebellum, posterior brainstem, posterior temporoparietal, and occipital brain regions. All of that is going on as activity in the anterior brainstem, thalamus, striatum, temporal cortex, insula, and dorsal and ventral anterior cingulate/prefrontal cortex decreases—pointing to physical and chemical relationships between sadness, grief, and depression.
Plus, studies show that the more sudden and recent the breakup (especially if you were not expecting it), the more impact the split can have on your brain. Experiences of rejection can actually feel like physical pain, meaning both your brain and body are involved in grieving and saying goodbye. No wonder you feel like a mess after a breakup! If you’re in that post-breakup fog, don’t worry—eventually things will settle back to normal.
If you’re living the post-breakup fog, it’s important to keep in mind that your breakup happened for a reason. Researchers at University of Utah found that the top three reasons couples break up are personality issues (they just don’t mesh), breach of trust, and a partner becoming distant.
So, whether you want to enjoy the single life or are looking forward to getting back out there so you can pursue a relationship with someone you trust and who wants to spend time with you, know that working through breakup grief is a form of self-care and an expression of self-respect.

Working Through Breakup Grief Mentally

“When someone is grieving, he or she needs to balance mourning and living life” says Jennifer L. Taitz, PsyD, author of How To Be Single and Happy. “When we feel emotions profoundly, as hard as it may feel, [be] engaged rather than repeatedly reviewing what happened and worrying about the future, [which will] will make you feel so much worse.”
This means you need to take a hot minute to grieve—to feel the pain instead of ignoring it—without giving in to wallowing. Taitz suggests going to work as normal, going to the gym, and when breakup stress or thoughts creep up on you to “mark them as mental spam and try to do the things you normally do when you feel good and hopeful.”
We also suggest trying out some positive thinking exercises, especially during the first days, which can feel the worst. Positive thinking can be a powerful tool, and can even be beneficial to your health. Make a little time each day to focus on the good. Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, suggests making a gratitude list each and every day. She says to write down 10 things you are grateful for. “Anything from your family, legs to walk on, or reality TV. Focusing on what is good in your life as opposed to what is going wrong with your life calms you down.”
Making this a daily habit helps you reflect, too, once you’ve made it through the worst of your breakup blues.
Hershenson also suggests reading something overtly positive every morning. “Starting your day with positivity helps you begin your day on a good foot.” We suggest finding a book of daily affirmations that you love and reading one (or more!) every day when you get up.
Meditation is also a great way to use your own mental power to find peace after a breakup. We’re big fans of meditation and its power to help you soothe your mind. Hershenson suggests meditation as well, and advises establishing a meditation practice, even if it’s just for five minutes a day. You can read all about how to get into your om with our beginner’s guide to meditation.
You don’t have to do all of this alone, by the way. After a breakup it can be incredibly helpful to lean on the support of your friends, family, and other members of your support system, like a trusted religious advisor or therapist.
Female empowerment coach Emi Valerio of She Commands says, “After a breakup, it is imperative you lean in for support from your close family and friends who are not judgmental but are supportive.” She says that the support you receive helps “feed your soul with peace and not disappointment.” Your support system can also help to keep you on track with your meditation practice and self-care routine.
We suggest getting into your own unique daily mental-health routine. Combine different approaches, like meditation, gratitude journaling, and reading affirmations, concocting a mix that supports your healing. Keep at it, too! Carving out a few minutes a day to focus on your mental healthcare can be helpful for getting through the worst bits of a breakup and beyond.

Working Through Breakup Grief Physically

You know when you’re feeling bummed out and all you want to do is put on a made-for-TV movie and eat your weight in popcorn? That’s because when people are upset, they’re more likely to make impulse decisions that give them a short-term benefit (like a sugar high) rather than a long term benefit (like a healthy diet). This could be why you want to eat all the carbs and avoid the gym after a breakup. Unfortunately for your impulse control, treating your body right can be one of the best ways to handle grief.
Getting your heart pumping can be good for your brain, not just your bod. Plus, exercising is a great way to focus on something that isn’t your breakup. Taitz says, “Exercise is a powerful way to increase resilience and profoundly helps people improve their mood.” She recommends you schedule your workouts, that way when you’re feeling more motivated to eat ice cream than exercise, you’ll be more likely to actually go.  “I am constantly prescribing exercise and it’s been a huge part of my wellness routine,” says Taitz.
Specifically, she recommends taking classes that incorporate barre work or high intensity interval training to keep your mind focused on the quick pace of your workout. This also keeps you from scrolling on your phone while on an elliptical. Intensely focusing on the right workout will actually give your mind a break from your grief.  
Even if you can’t make it to the barre every day, self-care is still important, and it shouldn’t be all baths and indulging in your favorite guilty pleasure reality TV shows. Hershenson says, “Doing something just for yourself every day is crucial to [addressing] mental stress.” She recommends a daily routine that includes activities like purposively reading the newspaper with your morning cup of tea (no matter how miserable you feel) and stretching for ten minutes before bed.
Taking that little bit of time to give back to yourself can be calming and help to reaffirm that you’re awesome, focused, and can make it through this post-breakup period.
Also, it probably won’t surprise you, but a diet of ice cream and wine isn’t going to do you any favors. Besides the empty calories and sugar crash, failing to truly nourish yourself is all around bad for your body and your brain.
We all know the link between depression and serotonin, right? Boosting your serotonin levels post breakup sounds like a great plan, but it can be hard to do without the help of a mental health professional. You could try to eat a bunch of serotonin rich foods (like plantains, kiwi, plums, and walnuts) but unfortunately that serotonin won’t make it to your brain. Instead you can boost your serotonin levels without drugs through exercise, bright light therapy, and eating small amounts of carbohydrates strategically throughout your day. Not all carbs are off limits in your post-breakup diet!

Why You (Usually) Shouldn’t Be Friends Post-Breakup

We know that staying friends with your ex may sound like the ideal situation. You spent so much time with them before the breakup, and depending on the situation, it can be tempting to want to spend time with them after calling it quits, too. But staying friends with your ex isn’t always the best choice, especially at first.
Although it is possible to be friends with an ex, we don’t suggest it straight out of a breakup. Valerio says, “There is probably a good reason why your ex is your ex,” and we agree. Even if the reason you broke up wasn’t extreme, it happened for a reason and it could be better in the long run to cut your losses and move on.
After the worst bit of your post-breakup blues are over and you find yourself considering a friendship with your ex, it’s good to have some perspective on the situation. Valerio gives this advice: “Understand that everyone comes into your life and serves their purpose. It is important for you to look back at your relationship and look at the lesson you have learned.”
You might have discovered what personality traits you need in a partner, what you can work on to be a better partner yourself, or even what life goals you didn’t know were important until big decisions had to be made. This can teach you so much about the qualities to look for in the people you surround yourself with—whether they’re romantic partners or platonic friends.
We strongly recommend not trying to become friends with an ex if you’re ultimately trying to get back together with them romantically. This takes a bit of self reflection and being really honest with yourself about your intentions. Taitz says that although every relationship is different, trying to be friends as an attempt to rekindle a romantic relationship isn’t the best choice. “That’s not accepting the current reality, and [puts] you at risk of prolonging your pain. You are stronger than you know,” she says.
It will feel better to mourn your ended relationship now rather than trying to get back together under less-than-transparent pretenses, which might lead to mourning all over again in a few months.
We also have to note that if your partner was abusive or your relationship was extremely emotionally draining, it’s probably best to cut that person out entirely or—in cases that necessitate contact, like shared custody or ongoing legal proceedings—to stick to a regimented plan and maintain safe boundaries with the help of professionals if needed.
The only time we can really condone staying friends with an ex is if your decision to break up was truly mutual. If the romance has faded away and you’re really just friends anyway, maintaining that relationship can work out. But, Hershenson warns, this may not be a forever solution. “It’s also important to discuss this situation with a new partner. They may not like how close you are with an ex.” She says from there you can decide how to proceed because things really will need to be considered and settled case by case.
No matter where you are in your post-breakup journey, we know that you’ll get through it. Focus on taking care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically, and you’ll be golden in no time. Don’t try to buckle down and do it alone, either. A good support system will help keep you focused on your potential as you make time for grieving. Then, they’ll be there to cheer you on when you’re over your ex and ready to put yourself out there—in whatever way feels right–again.
Still feeling lost? Grab your planner and pencil in the following activities to keep you on track with your post-breakup self-care:

Today

Finish any activities you’ve already committed to, then take a hot shower or follow your favorite face-washing regimen before bed.

Day 2

Wake up 15 minutes early and grab your journal. Write down 10 things you are grateful for. Spend any additional time you have reading the newspaper or a thought-stimulating article on your favorite site.

Day 3

Get your body moving with a yoga flow.

Day 4

Let yourself go, but just for today! Pencil in a couple of hours for binge watching rom-coms and munching on your favorite junk food.

Day 5

Set aside seven minutes for meditation.
Go grocery shopping for the rest of the week with fresh nutrition in mind.

Day 6

Prepare yourself a beautiful and nutritious lunch.
Order an inspirational read or pick one up from the library if you don’t already have something on hand.

Day 7

Wake up 15 minutes early and grab your journal. Revisit the things you’re grateful for. Write down 10 you haven’t journaled about before. Spend any additional time you have reading the newspaper, affirmations, or a few pages of an uplifting book.

Over the Weekend

Rearrange your other activities so you can sign up for a fitness class. Get out of the house and get your heart pumping.
Saturday or Sunday evening, make time for a release ceremony. In her Psychology Today piece “The Five Steps to Mindfully Releasing Anger,” Andrea Brandt, PhD, MFT, suggests you consciously make space to throw rocks or shake your limbs to release negative energy. Deepak Chopra outlines a ritual of release in which you take written stories of pain and “literally let them go.”
After journaling about painful parts of the relationship, breakup, or aftermath, burn the paper and scatter or flush the ashes, or tear the pages into bits and bury the pieces outside. Make time and a safe space for yourself to grieve or celebrate after the release.

Categories
Wellbeing

HealthyWay Visits FLOAT STL


Sensory deprivation might sound scary—and tanks can conjure up the stuff of science fiction—but the truth is that sensory deprivation tanks provide the ideal environment for deeply relaxing experiences that benefit the nervous system, heart, lungs, and digestive tract.

Categories
Wellbeing

Go To Bed Angry (And More Surprising Secrets Of A Happy Marriage)

When I first got married, I really sucked at being a married person.
I was young, selfish, and pretty difficult to communicate with. I entered marriage thinking that the fabled Prince Charming awaited, and instead, I found a regular guy with a good heart—who also really sucked at getting his dirty dishes from the living room to the kitchen.
My husband and I recently celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary, and looking back, we both agree that year one was the absolute worst. He admits that he thought he was getting a wife/maid combo once he put a ring on it, and as I confessed, I thought I was entering a fairytale.
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Something good happened between that rough first year and now, though. A lot of good things happened, actually, and now we’re happy. We enjoy being married, and we genuinely like each other. And that’s saying a lot, considering how our life right after our wedding was pretty close to miserable. So, what did we start doing right?
Well, more on that later. But in short, what matters most for us is that we’re trying; we’re living and learning; we’re choosing marriage. And those secrets are just a sampling of what we could list, but honestly, I’ve learned that the secrets to success vary from couple to couple.
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See, in an attempt to hear from other couples about their secrets of a happy marriage, I turned to social media. Lately, my feed has been full of breakups, divorce announcements, and single-life struggles, so I was a bit hesitant to crowdsource for happy husbands and wives…but to my amazement and joy, 70 individuals replied to my query. Seventy!
If you thought happiness in marriage was a myth, you’re going to be persuaded otherwise. There are many, many happy couples out there, and they have some really surprising secrets to spill. Below are the overarching themes of what they shared paired with insight from relationship professionals.

If you need to, go to bed angry.

“We have all heard the saying ‘Don’t go to bed angry,’” says Stefani, who has been married for nine years, “but if it’s late and you’re both overtired, sometimes that’s the smartest thing to do. You can always continue the conversation in the morning. … Trying to solve … something while exhausted and you just can’t think clearly can lead to even more problems. Learning how your husband or wife processes [conflict] will be a huge help in communicating what you need and want from them.”
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On that note, Rochelle Peachey, a couples counselor, says, “If you do go to bed with the argument unsolved, be the first one to re-open it, but in a more reasonable way. If your partner is the one who re-visits last night’s disagreement, then you need to be willing to listen and talk it through.”

Don’t make your spouse your everything.

Should you lose yourself in marriage? Make your spouse your everything? Layla Lawrence, a contributor at mom.me who has been married for ten years, wrote a piece titled No, My Husband Is Not My Best Friend. It reads: “The number-one reason my husband is not my best friend: I don’t believe one person should carry the burden of my entire emotional life.”
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Isn’t that the truth? My husband loves me, this I know, but does he need to catch every tear I cry? I don’t think so.
Lawrence continued: “I mean, let’s share that s***. Spread it out. I’m a lot to handle and he does a good job husbanding me, but no man deserves to be a girl’s literal everything. It’s just too much.”
That mentality transfers just as easily to husbands. I need my man to have friends and hobbies outside of me. I don’t complete him. He’s his own person and our relationship, albeit an important one, is only a facet of who he is.

[Marriage] is meant to be interdependent, not codependent.

Michael DeMarco, PhD, a relationship counselor and sex therapist says, “I look at healthy relationships like a Venn diagram of overlapping circles. If you are a whole person, you’re going to, hopefully, attract and be in a relationship with another whole person—and where you overlap is your relationship. This also means that there will be areas in which you don’t overlap, and don’t have to!”
Jim Seibold, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist, concurs: “[Marriage] is meant to be interdependent, not codependent. Interdependence means that couples share, live, and work together, but do not solely rely on each other.”

Communicate. Learn. Adapt.

Mickey Eckles, a pastor and marriage counselor of 25 years, stresses that there is one skill that couples must commit to learning if they want to be happy. That skill? Communication!
HealthyWay
“If we can learn to communicate openly and honestly with one another, we can express our desires and dislikes. More than that, we can navigate any issue that tries to rob our joy and unity. Marriage is work, and great marriages are working at it all the time.”
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“In all of life, we should continue to learn,” says Brian Taylor, an author and relationship coach. “Most certainly in our relationships. Most professions have Continuing Professional Development requirements. Why not, in our most important relationship, have Continuing Personal Development requirements?”

Put your spouse in your schedule.

Eckles introduced me to Willard F. Harley, Jr., PhD, who wrote the book Surviving An Affair. In it he wrote:
“You have 168 hours every week (24×7) to schedule for something. I highly recommend 8 hours of sleep a night, so that leaves 112 waking hours. Getting ready for the day, and going to bed at night may require, say, 12 hours, and work plus commute may take another 50 hours. That leaves 50 more hours to spend doing what you value most, and 15 of those hours should be dedicated to maintaining a passionate and fulfilling marriage.”
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Kristy and her husband, Sean, have been married for 23 years, and she heartily agrees.
“Make time—lots, weekly—to just be a couple. We were so poor starting out, we made dates of movies in, walks, coffee … we laugh together a lot. Now we still make the time, only we don’t need childcare anymore, so we can eat out more, which I love! Also, once or twice a year we get away together and have a little honeymoon.”
HealthyWay
If your job gets 40-plus hours a week from you, the secret to maintaining a happy marriage is to make sure your spouse is getting a nice chunk of the 168 hours you have to allot.

Know that being happy isn’t the goal.

You’re in a committed relationship that needs to weather many hardships— that’s just life! So, if you make it your sole goal to be happy, you’ll most likely be unhappy.
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“If the goal is to be happy, that means that any conflict would likely feel like failing,” Seibold says. This would lead to feelings of anxiety, even panic.”
“In fact, arguments are a sign of health,” he continues. “It suggests that couples respect one another enough to bring issues to the table. It also communicates trust in each other and the relationship. It says ‘I trust you to hear me’ and ‘I trust our relationship can handle this.’ If you hear a couple suggest that they are great together because they never fight, that is a sign of trouble. That means they are not sharing enough.”
I think we all need to ask ourselves, “What is the purpose of marriage?” Is your purpose to be happy, or is your purpose to partner with someone through life’s experiences?
HealthyWay
After connecting with so many happy couples and sharing their thoughts with experts, it seems that the vast majority agree that when you forget happiness and focus on other crucial elements of marriage, you wind up finding happiness. If it’s not the focus, it will surely come.

So, what worked for my husband and I?

My husband said it best: “I choose her over myself.” And I agree—finding happiness in our marriage has been more about making each other happy than seeking our own.
HealthyWay
To us, marriage is about entering a partnership where you’re both willing to give 100 percent. We fill in each other’s gaps, make decisions based on what is best for each other, and show up each and every day. From the little things like packing lunches (that’s one thing I do for my husband each day) to the big things like taking them on their dream vacation (my husband did that for me last spring).
Eckles brings speaks of the concept of preferring one another. That’s a phrase not often heard in marriage talk, but it bodes true. Preferring your spouse gives them priority. It’s choosing them and holding space for them to choose you.

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Gym x Studio Sweat

Kettlebell Exercises: Are They The Missing Staple In Your Workout Routine?

Looking to switch things up at the gym or get into a sustainable, high-impact workout routine at home?
If yes, it’s time to rejoice, because you’re onto something amazing. Smaller than a squat rack, bench, or barbell, kettlebells can easily fit in any corner of your home. The space needed is minimal, and your one crucial piece of equipment is…well, a pair of kettlebells.
With just these two weights, you can get your heart pounding and muscles screaming. You’ll have the freedom to squeeze in a quick 20-minute session while your kiddos are taking their afternoon nap or to power through your workout outdoors while catching some rays. What could be better than getting your sweat on when and where you want?
Once predominantly popular among CrossFit athletes and Pavel Tsatsouline followers, kettlebells can now be found at nearly any gym or brought home for commute-free workouts. Whether you’re a powerlifting fiend or a mom looking for a workout you can do while the little ones play (or both!) kettlebells are an indispensable tool in your arsenal.
The kettlebell is a solid iron sphere with a handle attached to its top. Its unique shape creates an entirely different demand on the body when compared with traditional dumbbell and barbell exercises. Using kettlebells, an individual is able to “integrate curvilinear movements, centrifugal force, and momentum into a total body, circuit weight training type workout” according to an article published in the Journal of Fitness Research.
The dynamism of a kettlebell workout often entails multi-joint and multi-plane movements, meaning many kettlebell exercises will start with the weight on the floor and end with it above your head. Due to their vigorous nature, these workouts can improve strength, power, flexibility, balance, and even cardiorespiratory functioning.

Mastering the Fundamental Swing

Every kettlebell exercise is founded on the basic Russian swing, which involves projecting the weight to shoulder height. It’s considered the most powerful kettlebell movement because of its exemplification of total-body power and superior levels of cardiovascular training.
Although it looks simple, conquering a proper swing can take time—and perhaps additional guidance from a coach or certified personal trainer. In truth, this exercise is often performed incorrectly, which limits its efficacy and increases the chance of injury.

To perfect the movement, stand up straight with your feet positioned slightly wider than hip-distance apart. Holding the handle of the kettlebell with both hands, keep your palms facing in and your arms in front of your body. Maintain a slight bend of your knees and lower the weight as you drive your hips back.
This isn’t a squat! Instead, hinge at your hips—similar to what you would do during a Romanian deadlift. Hinge, hinge, hinge! Then, in one smooth motion, explode through your hips—contracting your glutes, driving your hips forward, and allowing the kettlebell to swing upward.
Throughout the entire exercise, keep your core engaged. All movement should come directly from your hips. You are neither squatting the weight nor are you using your arms to pull the weight up in a pseudo-upright row.

Building on the Basics

Here are some of our favorite kettlebell moves that you’ll be building on in no time:

Goblet Squat

Level: Beginner

Targets: Quadriceps, Hamstrings, Glutes, Back, Core

Rep + Set Scheme: 3 to 5 sets of 12 to 20 reps



Start in a firm stance, with your feet a few inches wider than shoulder-width apart and your toes slightly turned out. Hold the kettlebell in front of your chest with both hands gripping the handle, keeping your elbows tucked against each side of your body. While maintaining a strong, straight trunk, start squatting down to the ground. Drive through your heels, pushing them into the ground. Focus on keeping your chest up as your hips move backward until your thighs are parallel to the floor—or lower. Continue to push through your heels as you contract your quadriceps and glutes to return to a standing position.

Deadlift

Level: Beginner

Targets: Quadriceps, Hamstrings, Glutes, Back, Core

Rep + Set Scheme: 3 to 5 sets of 12 to 15 reps



Stand with your feet positioned about shoulder-width apart and the kettlebell resting on the ground between your feet. Squat down to reach the kettlebell handle, grasping it with both hands. As you lower down, keep your core engaged, your back flat, and your hips moving backward. Holding the kettlebell with extended arms, contract your glutes to drive yourself up through the lift. As you rise up, squeeze your glutes and pull your shoulders back. Lower the kettlebell back to the ground to return to the starting position and prepare for the next rep.

Lunge Press

Level: Intermediate

Targets: Shoulders, Back, Arms, Core, Glutes, Quadriceps, Hamstrings

Rep + Set Scheme: 3 to 5 sets of 12 to 15 reps per leg



Start with your feet together, holding the kettlebell in your right hand directly above your right shoulder. Lunge forward with your right leg, straightening your arm and raising the kettlebell overhead. In a full lunge, your front thigh should be parallel to the ground. Using only this leg to push your body out of the lunge, return to standing while lowering the kettlebells down toward your shoulder. A wider stance will involve greater glute activation, while a narrower stance will involve greater quadricep activation. Perform 12 to 15 reps on one side before moving on to the left side.

Sumo High-Pull

Level: Intermediate

Targets: Back, Quadriceps, Hamstrings, Glutes, Shoulders, Arms

Rep + Set Scheme: 3 to 5 sets of 12 to 15 reps



Stand with your feet significantly wider than shoulder-width apart, with the kettlebell resting between your feet. Your toes should be turned out slightly. As a good rule of thumb, your knees should track in the direction of your toes throughout the movement. Squat down to grasp the handle of the kettlebell with both hands. Keep your chest upright as you push your hips back. With a firm grip on the kettlebell, rise out of the squat. As your legs straighten, simultaneously raise your elbows and pull the kettlebell to your chest. Your legs should be driving the entire movement, with your upper body moving in synchronicity toward the end. Lower the kettlebell and squat the weight down to the ground, returning to your starting position.

Incline Row

Level: Intermediate

Targets: Back, Arms, Core

Rep + Set Scheme: 3 to 5 sets of 12 to 15 reps per arm


Begin in supported plank position on the edge of a chair or table, keeping your core engaged, quadriceps contracted, and glutes clenched throughout the entire movement. Keep your hips and shoulders square with the ground as you lift the kettlebell in one hand to begin your row. With speed and control, complete all your reps on one arm before alternating arms, maintaining a tight body throughout the entire set.

Push-Up

Level: Intermediate and Advanced

Targets: Chest, Arms, Shoulders, Back, Core

Rep + Set Scheme: 3 to 5 sets of 12 to 15 reps



Move into a push-up position with one hand gripping the handle of the kettlebell. The handle should be positioned so that your palm faces in as you hold the handle. Imagine a plank hold, keeping your core engaged, quadriceps contracted, and glutes clenched. Lower your body until your chest is at handle height, then push back up to the starting position. Alternate arms as you move through your sets.

Turkish Get-Up

Level: Intermediate and Advanced

Targets: Abs, Arms, Back

Rep + Set Scheme: 3 to 5 sets of 10 to 12 reps per side


Lie down on your back with your legs outstretched in front of you. Holding a kettlebell, extend your left arm straight up toward the ceiling. Bend the left knee and start to rise up. While engaging your core, prop your body up with your right arm. Keeping your right arm strong and the kettlebell overhead, kneel on one knee then stand all the way up. Next, carefully lower your body back down to the starting position, keeping the kettlebell overhead as you recline. Perform 10 to 12 reps on one side before moving to the other.

Military Press

Level: Advanced

Targets: Shoulders, Arms, Back, Core

Rep + Set Scheme: 3 to 5 sets of 12 to 15 reps



Start in a strong stance with the kettlebell in one hand. With your elbows bent, bring the kettlebell to shoulder height. The “bell” should be resting against the back of your hand and forearm in what is called the “rack” position, which we’ll use again below!
Engage your core, squeeze your glutes, and press the kettlebell overhead. Lean forward slightly at the waist to ensure the kettlebell winds up behind your head as your arm extends fully. Your palm should now be facing forward. Lower the kettlebell back down to shoulder height and repeat.

Clean + Press

Level: Advanced

Targets: Quadriceps, Hamstrings, Glutes, Back, Shoulders, Core

Rep + Set Scheme: 3 to 5 sets of 12 to 20 reps



Stand with your feet positioned about shoulder-width apart and the kettlebell resting on the ground between your feet. Squat down to grasp the handle of the kettlebell with one hand. Rise to a standing position, with the weight hanging between your legs and your knees slightly bent. With your core engaged, begin to swing upward.
Remember the foundational kettlebell swing here, but keep the weight close to your body rather than pressing it out and away. As you rise, thrust your hips, shrug your shoulders, and pull the “bell” up to your shoulder into the “rack” position you learned earlier, so it rests on the back of your hand and forearm. From here, extend your arm and press the weight overhead. Carefully lower the weight and return it to the starting position (hanging between your legs). If you’re ready for even more of a challenge, try this with a kettlebell in each hand!

Push-Up + Row

Level: Advanced

Targets: Chest, Arms, Shoulders, Back, Core

Rep + Set Scheme: 3 to 5 sets of 6 to 10 reps per arm



Begin in the push-up position, as described above. Lower your body until your chest is at handle height. Once you push up into the top position, lift the kettlebell to perform a row. Keep your hips and shoulders square with the ground and squeeze your shoulder blades together. Lower the kettlebell to the ground and perform the next push-up and row combination.

Why kettlebell?

The benefits of kettlebell training are vast and supported by ample research. Given the total-body nature of these exercises, a wide range of muscles are simultaneously called to action. As a result, kettlebell workouts’ benefits extend far beyond isolated improvements. Although many individuals think of kettlebell routines as cardiovascular exercise, a great deal of research reveals a remarkable influence on strength and power as well. For this reason, kettlebell workouts have quickly become a popular cross-training method for competitive bodybuilders, powerlifters, and Olympic weightlifters.
According to another study sponsored by the American Council of Exercise (ACE) at the University of Wisconsin-Lacrosse, individuals who trained with kettlebells experienced a 70 percent increase in core strength and a 13.8 percent boost in aerobic capacity.
Participants’ dynamic balance, VO2 max, and grip strength also showed significant improvements by the end of their eight-week training period, which means their kettlebell routines improved their ability to balance while in motion and use oxygen during exercise and may even have decreased their risk of heart disease, stroke, and heart attack—all of which are associated with grip strength.
As this study’s particular grouping of benefits suggests, kettlebells combine the perks of resistance training and cardio. But instead of spending one hour hitting the weights and another half hour on the treadmill, it’s possible to experience similar benefits with just 20 to 30 minutes of kettlebell hustle.
An individual’s heart rate is elevated quickly, and when combining their aerobic (cardiorespiratory) and anaerobic (strength) efforts, it’s possible to burn roughly 20 calories a minute while kettlebell training. To put this into perspective, ACE compares the expenditure to running at 6-minute mile pace or cross-country skiing uphill. That means kettlebells can give you the most bang for your buck when you’re crunched on time.
One more advantage of the kettlebell is its ability to decrease the training load while still helping you make substantial headway in terms of your strength and conditioning goals. This reduces the wear and tear on the body without inhibiting forward progress.
For example, one study found that the kettlebell swing engages the low back extensors at 50 percent of maximal voluntary contraction (MVC), and the gluteal muscles at 80 percent of MVC—both of which are adequate for increasing strength. As T-Nation explains, the body doesn’t know the difference between 90 pounds on your shoulders and 45-pound kettlebells in each hand.
A key difference between traditional weights and kettlebells is the kettlebells’ ability to leverage tension as a result of their specific shape and design. Although they may be lighter in weight, the cumulative tension placed on the body while engaging kettlebells is far greater. This allows for the generation of greater force output and superior control, both of which are essential for strength gains.
This is one reason why kettlebells are often touted as being “better” than dumbbells. While a dumbbell allows for slight “cheating”—often as a result of swinging or moving out of the most effective range of motion—a kettlebell maintains constant tension and stimulation throughout an entire movement. If inappropriate swinging occurs during an exercise, the kettlebell will hit the body—alerting you to an issue with form. Proper kettlebell technique ensures that tension and stimulation are emphasized even in exercise positions that are often neglected in traditional dumbbell movements.
Kettlebells are also offset and unbalanced, while the weight of a dumbbell is evenly distributed throughout its length. The offset weight of a kettlebell makes it far more functional and applicable to everyday tasks. Using kettlebells, your strength is not simply improved but can be increased in a way that’s relevant to balancing one crying child and a few bags of groceries. Hello, motherhood. The perfect balance of a dumbbell, however, does not have the same effect. Perhaps you’ve experienced this type of existential dilemma as you struggle to move a load of boxes, thinking about how strong that bicep curl felt just a few days earlier. Kettlebell training can help you overcome that!
Overall, incorporating the kettlebell’s two-pronged approach, which touts strength training and conditioning, helps build both cardiovascular and muscular endurance—all while recruiting a plethora of muscles to increase mobility and balance. Think about it: Balancing a weight overhead as you stand up from a lying position requires quite the motor skill.

Safety First: Own Your Bell

Unfortunately, technical errors are common when training with kettlebells—especially for beginners. These errors can drastically increase the chances of injury considering how vigorous and forceful many of the movements are. Writing for StrongFirst, a website and company founded by the renowned Tsatsouline, Matt Kingstone, owner of King Cobra Fit, explains the key concept of “owning a bell.”
While it’s necessary to use a weight that’s challenging enough for a decent workout (ladies, drop the 5 pounders), it’s also important not to reach for a kettlebell that’s heavier than what you’re ready for. Knowing the proper weight and “owning” the kettlebell is dependent on three key concepts: control, confidence, and competence. If you can move through a workout while maintaining all three Cs, you may be ready to reach for a heavier weight.
Being in control of the kettlebell is the most important thing you can do to prioritize your safety. Demonstrating control means there’s a complete absence of wobbling during the exercise, the movement can be done with equal proficiency on both the left and right side, and there is no difference between concentric (contracting or shortening) action and eccentric (lengthening) action. The movement must look and feel fluid.
You can determine if you have any weak spots in a variety of ways.
First, add a pause or press in each position of the movement. If there’s a problem with stabilizing the bell, you’ll notice yourself losing tension or balance. Second, video yourself working out. Although it may feel awkward at first, this can highlight your performance—good or bad. Kingstone explains that this tends to take the subjectivity out of the exercise. Instead, you may notice yourself rushing through transitions or dropping your chest and hips a bit too low in your swing. A third option is to incorporate what’s called a bonus drill. Try performing the movement in the bottom-up position. It could be a final factor in forcing you to properly brace throughout the entire movement. Recognize your weaknesses and work on them until they become your strengths.
During your training, you must maintain a level of self-assurance and self-efficacy. Applying this to “owning” a kettlebell means you can perform the movement without any worry or concerns, you can demonstrate the exercise at any time, and the movement (again) appears smooth. Confidence will come with sufficient practice and patience. Notice if you feel better in your current session than you did during the one before, and use this as a boost. Acknowledge the fact that you are improving.
During your workout, there shouldn’t be an ounce of doubt. The exercises you’re performing should eventually become reflexive, as if your body has memorized the kettlebell’s path. If you feel hesitant when thinking about increasing the weight, don’t do it. Wait until your answer to a weightier bell is a resounding Yes.
Competency is the third and final pillar. If you’re competent with a kettlebell, you are:

  1. Symmetrical: You don’t have to compensate or sacrifice control in one muscle to complete the movement as a whole.
  2. Knowledgeable and articulate: You can communicate effectively about the movement with your coach, team, or galpal next door and can talk others through the exercise.

Establishing competence is the point at which fine-tuning and attention to detail come into play, according to Kingstone. The “little things” become major areas of mastery. It’s important to understand, though, that you will achieve new levels of competency with particular movements as you graduate to heavier kettlebells. In this way, competency is an ever-changing state that’s continuously building on itself.

Let’s get you going!

When looking for your own kettlebell, think about which movements you are most interested in learning. Kettlebells USA defines ballistic movements as explosive lifts such as swings, cleans, snatches, and tosses. Conversely, grinding movements are defined as Turkish get-ups, overhead presses, windmills, squats, and lunges.
For ballistic movements, “an average, active women should start with a kettlebell between 8 kg (18 lb) and 12 kg (26 lb). An athletic woman should start with a kettlebell between 12 kg (26 lb) and 16 kg (35 lb).”
During grinding movements, you should be able to easily press the weight overhead 8 to 10 times to ensure control. “An average, active women should start with a kettlebell between 6 kg (13 lb) and 8 kg (18 lb). An athletic woman should start with a kettlebell between 8 kg (18 lb) and 12 kg (26 lb).”
If you’re ready to order your first kettlebell, Onnit and Rogue Fitness have great collections. You’re sure to find one perfectly suited for your needs and goals!

[link-button href=https://www.healthyway.com/t/kettlebell-series/“]Check out HealthyWay’s Kettlebell Series here.[/link-button]

 

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Wellbeing

Florists Reveal Bride Behaviors That Drive Them Crazy

More than 2 million couples get married in the United States every year, and presumably, most of them have weddings. Most of those weddings have flowers, and most of those flowers are prepared, arranged, delivered, and set up by florists.
In 2017, on average, those florists worked 54 weddings apiece, with about 23.7 hours of work per event. The average wedding requires 632 “stems” (that’s florist talk for individual flowers). Over and above the near-full-day florists spend arranging flowers for each wedding, they also provide countless hours of consultation, email correspondence, and debate over the relative merits of fuchsia versus magenta.
Florists are human beings who can only take so much before they want to set fire to their own flower coolers. And couples who are essentially tasked with planning a massive, raging party that won’t offend the grandparents aren’t known for their calm, stress-free approach to personal interaction.

I’d rather go out of business than go back to weddings every weekend.

Florists get it: It’s your special day. But your special day is another hard shift for the person behind your floral dreams. It’s nice to remember that and to avoid behavior that drives florists crazy. We’re talking about stuff like:

1. Having Eyes Too Big for Your Budget

We’ll call this florist “Violet.” She runs a small, Midwestern flower shop that caters largely to the young and the hip, i.e., the prime marriage demographic. But not so long ago, she stopped offering wedding services, even though the events made up a fair chunk of her shop’s income.
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“I’d rather go out of business than go back to weddings every weekend,” she tells HealthyWay. This is a source who’s ready to talk straight. With no incentive to sugarcoat, she’s the ideal florist to warn those who are about to get married what not to do.
When we ask Violet about annoying bride behavior, one word comes up again and again: Pinterest. Apparently the site’s floral content can create outsized expectations.
HealthyWay
“They find some pictures on Pinterest and then contact you about their wedding,” Violet says. “They’ll be like, ‘Well, I have a really low budget, but it’s cool because I just want something really simple, like this.’ And they’ll show you a bouquet that they maybe think is really simple because it just has one ingredient, but it’s about 30 stems of Phalaenopsis orchid, which are quite expensive per stem.”
The misunderstanding isn’t the problem, Violet says. She’s happy to explain the blunt facts of cut flower pricing to a confused bride. The trouble starts when Violet gently breaks the news that this Pinterest bouquet would cost a cool grand, and the bride stares back, unperturbed.
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“But they’re like, ‘Okay, so my budget is $75, and this is what I want. What can you do for me?'”
Keep in mind that florists are very aware they’ll be interacting with their clients for the next 12 to 18 months or however far out they book their weddings. This is not the right foot to start out on. Still, Violet doesn’t blame the bride, not really.
“That happens a lot,” she says. “But that’s the internet’s fault.”

2. Expecting “Local” Without Limits

“Lily” works for another Midwestern flower shop, where she handles most of the wedding business. Her shop focuses on local flowers and greens, with dramatic, unconventional arrangements.
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As a result, Lily’s shop has become quite popular with couples who worry about the (considerable) environmental problems associated with importing cut flowers from Central and South America. The concern is commendable. Unfortunately, some brides seem to like the idea of shopping local more than the reality of what’s locally available.
“They’ll book a wedding on New Year’s Eve and say they want all local,” Lily says. “I mean, unless you live in Hawaii, that’s not very cool to do.”
Local flowers grow according to the local ecosystem. Sadly, brides must choose between what’s available locally during the season and having the bouquet they’ve always dreamed of.
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Of course, there is a middle ground if neither extreme works for you. You can always ask for sustainably-grown flowers from California. The California Cut Flower Commission awards BloomCheck Certification only to growers that use the “best practices for sustainability when it comes to water; air and soil quality; wildlife protection; and social impacts on workers and the community,” and the state offers a wide range of cut flower species year-round.

3. Inviting Too Many Cooks to the Consultation

Wedding consultations can be short and sweet. Often, more gets done that way. Most are neither short nor sweet, to hear Violet tell it. She never charged for consultations (many florists don’t), and as the hours ticked past, she could hear almost the steady plink of coins dropping from her cash register into the bottomless pit of lost productivity.
HealthyWay
“The second-worst [person to bring to a wedding consultation] would be a sister or a bridesmaid who just got married,” Violet says. “Because then that person will be like, ‘Well, at my wedding…’ It’s really fresh in her mind because she just did all that, so she wants to be a lot like, ‘When I was planning my wedding, then…,’ you know? That person can be bossy.”
Okay, so we have to ask: If that’s the “second-worst” attendee of a wedding consultation, who is the worst? Violet doesn’t bat an eyelash.
HealthyWay
“The worst thing is a mom, and then the worst type of mom is the one that’s like, ‘Well, I worked at a florist shop when I was in high school, so I have a lot of ideas and specifications about what should happen here.'”
Apparently, this character appears frequently enough to be a thing in the floral industry.
Now, we wouldn’t advocate leaving your mother out of the consultation if you want her there. But there are a few things you can do to make the whole experience more pleasant.
HealthyWay
First of all, have clear ideas about what you want. Arrive with your budget in mind. And, if you prefer a longer, more intensive discussion (or if your mother takes the whole afternoon off in preparation), consider visiting a florist that charges for consultations. At least that way, there’ll be pressure on both sides to keep things rolling along efficiently.

4. Having Too Particular a Palette

Florists are experts in color. They can talk your ear off about the difference between “eggshell” and “cream.” But what they can’t do is affect the subtle shade of a particular bloom, at least, not without spray paint, and who wants a spray-painted flower?
HealthyWay
The color scheme is a huge decision for a wedding ceremony, and many couples get really into picking theirs out. That’s terrific. Just remember that flowers are plants, and while growers breed them in many finely-tuned hues, there’s bound to be a little variation from stem to stem. A bit of flexibility will go a long way in creating the picture-perfect ceremony.
The most annoying bridal behavior “comes in the form of a Biblical nitpickery … like, 18 emails a day for a year,” says Violet. “Like, ‘Look, I know before I said royal, but now it might be more of a cobalt, but cobalt tending more towards royal than to navy. Maybe it’s a light navy.”
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That’s too particular, Violet says.
“It doesn’t get to that level of specificity,” she explains.

5. Being Too Stressed to Survive

This advice goes way beyond the flowers: Relax. No wedding ceremony is perfect. The caterers will forget the mac and cheese. Your in-laws will be unhappy with the music. The kids will drain unattended glasses. This stuff happens, and you still end up married the next day.
Wedding florists have seen it all, and since they’re on the scene on the big day, they often end up acting as unofficial fixers for the couple of the hour. They might provide the crucial safety pin to correct a last-minute dress malfunction. They might talk down a stressed out groomsman while pinning on the boutonniere. But performing in this role also subjects them to some less-than-chill behavior on the part of their clients.
HealthyWay
“You can have a bride that is really easygoing up to the day of the wedding, and on wedding day, she’s a type A nightmare,” says Lily. “Wedding days are stressful, so that makes more sense.”
The stranger iteration of a stressed-out bride is the opposite, Lily says.
“What’s weirder, and this happens just as often, is that someone who bothers you for months before the event, and then on wedding day, they’re super relaxed about whatever happens,” she says. “That’s a little more heartening to me: They made it here, and they’re happy about it. They’re enjoying this.”

6. Ignoring This Alarming Professional Advice

You know what else gets you married, besides a lavish, 500-guest, Kim and Kanye-style ceremony? A quick trip to the courthouse. Violet won’t blame you if you decide to take the easy route. Her general take on the wedding ceremony is that it’s more trouble than it’s worth.
HealthyWay
“For most people, it does seem like a really stressful and off-putting occasion,” she says. “And I feel bad for them.”
Her advice?
“Just don’t do it,” she says. “I mean, that’s the only way to avoid the overthinking and the terror and the anxiety.”

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Wellbeing

I Deja Du: Etiquette For Your Second (Or Third) Wedding

Americans are known for a lot of things, and one of them is getting back up after getting knocked down. Believe it or not, this is especially true when it comes to marriage and divorce.
Although recent studies show that anywhere between 40 and 50 percent of American marriages end in divorce, the brides and grooms in those dissolved relationships will probably enter new ones in which they marry again.
In 2013, two in five new marriages included at least one partner who had been previously married, according to the Pew Research Center. One in five new marriages involved partners who had both walked down the aisle before.
This means brides and grooms aren’t giving up on love if it doesn’t work out the first time, and they are willing to take the plunge again. What this also means is encore weddings—weddings that happen after one’s first—are happening all the time.
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If you’re considering trying your hand at marriage again, or are invited to an encore wedding, you’ll need to know the etiquette.

For the Bride

Let’s face it: You’re the star of the show. And since all eyes are on you, it’s a must that you know encore wedding etiquette.

The Dress

Believe it or not, white wasn’t always the color of choice for wedding dresses. In fact, up until the 19th century, it was common for brides to wear red, as a symbol of fertility, or black, if the soon-to-be husband was a widower. But Queen Victoria changed all of that when she wed Prince Albert in 1840.
Instead of donning the same tired dresses that so many brides wore before her, the sassy Queen designed her own dress and decided she wanted to wear white.
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Since then, the color caught on. Tradition states that white should only be used for the first wedding—the color has long been associated with purity and, well, virginity. But is that tradition really important? If you spot a gorgeous dress that happens to be white, do you have to forgo the fabulous frock because of your past relationship?
“Absolutely not,” says Jenny Orsini, owner and creative director of Jenny Orsini Events. “Gone are the days of traditional wedding dress colors and rules about second marriages and proper attire. In today’s day and age, brides should only follow one rule: Keep it elegant, classy, and fabulous! But following color-appropriate rules? That’s a thing of the past.”
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And as for style? Encore brides tend to veer away from conventional dresses, says Kelly Heyn, owner of SociaLife, a wedding and event planning company.
“I have found that many brides tend to veer away from classic and traditional gowns completely,” she says. “Some choose to wear white but keep the style of their gown informal by wearing a shorter, cocktail-style dress.”
So it seems that encore wedding dress etiquette states that there actually isn’t any etiquette other than to feel comfortable with, and fabulous in, your choice.

The Bridal Activities

Let’s face it, part of the appeal of being the bride is all of the extracurriculars that come with the title. From bridal showers to bachelorette parties, brides get to have all the fun.
But does that mean you’re obligated to have all the pre-wedding hoopla again? Lots of brides don’t and choose a more low-key route, says Orsini.
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“A lot of my encore brides choose to forgo the typical large bridal shower and opt for a more casual brunch or dinner with their closest family and friends,” she says.
So if that’s your style, do you. But if you want a big bridal shower and an even bigger bachelorette party, then go crazy with it. This is your wedding, and you should do what you want. Those who don’t agree can choose not to attend.

For the Guests

If we’re being honest, being a guest at a wedding is a pretty sweet gig. For the small price of a few hours of their time, they get free food, entertainment, and a chance to witness two people promise to love each other forever. But unless they know the rules for guests at second weddings, they likely won’t be invited back if there’s a third.

The Gift

From dowries to wedding chests, the idea of gaining gifts as a result of marriage has been around for centuries. And when wedding guests began giving the happy couples presents on their big days, deciding what to buy was the biggest question. Nowadays, the present predicament extends to whether or not guests are expected to bring gifts when it’s a second or third marriage.

Just because it is a second marriage doesn’t mean it is not as special or important.

Before you scoff at the idea of not bringing a present to the nuptials, consider this: Wedding gifts are expensive. On average, a person spends anywhere from $73 to $245 on a wedding present depending on where they live. The typical cash present also sets guests back by about $160.
If you’re attending a lot of marriage ceremonies, the cost of all these presents can add up to a shocking amount. Money becomes an even bigger potential issue when you go to multiple marriages for the same person.
So what is a wedding guest to do? Should they bring gifts, even though the soon-to-be-newlyweds have been through this before?
“Yes, guests should still be expected to bring presents and attend any other event that coincides with the wedding,” says Heyn. “Just because it is a second marriage doesn’t mean it is not as special or important. If someone is paying for you to be a guest and attend their event, then it is only proper etiquette to bring a gift.”
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In all likelihood, however, you were invited to the wedding so that you could be there, not so that you would bring an epic gift. Chances are your presence is the only gift the couple wants, but you should still bring a little something anyways.

Bringing up the Ex

It’s probably not a secret to your guests that they are attending an encore wedding. They likely know that you had a life before the person you’re about to marry now, and that there may even be byproducts of that past life, like children. But because a wedding is all about the future, the past that involves an ex shouldn’t be brought up, right? Not necessarily.

For best results, survey the room before you risk the chance. Avoid talking about the ex if you know it will cause problems. However, as long as you’re respectful about the person, the room shouldn’t gasp in horror upon hearing their name. It’s perfectly appropriate to ask about them, especially if the person is still well-received among the guests. But you may not want to focus on them too much; a casual inquiry is fine.

For the Couple

Brides and grooms with previous marriages under their belts may be unsure or even cautious about what is appropriate for second and third marriages. Is having all the trimmings going overboard, or should you just do what you want?

Wedding Traditions

Wedding receptions are usually laced with customs and traditions. Dances, garter and bouquet tosses, and all kinds of reception rite-of-passages are typically seen at first weddings, but encore weddings often feature less of that, says Orsini.
HealthyWay
“With most of our encore weddings, the couples tend to steer clear of some of the more ‘old school’ traditions such as the garter and bouquet toss,” she says. “They still cut the cake and have special dances, however.”
And when those customs do take place, they often involve what seems to be a staple at encore weddings: children.
HealthyWay
“What we often see are the children playing a bigger role in the wedding,” says Orsini. “Brides and grooms having encore weddings often have older children, and they are very important on the wedding day. Brides often dance with their sons, or older daughters actually serve as maids of honor. I definitely see a greater emphasis on the children.”

Types of Weddings

Second weddings are typically known for being more low-key than first weddings. Perhaps it’s the stress, money, or craziness that planning and having these large nuptials can bring that makes some take their encore marriages in the opposite direction. But sometimes it’s the fear of what others think that makes some downsize their weddings.
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When it comes to your special day, however, you shouldn’t care what others think, says Heyn.

So do what makes you happy, as long as it’s a good party!

“I think brides and grooms should pay attention to what is most important to them and how their personalities are reflected throughout the wedding day,” she says.
“If they are big entertainers and they love to throw extravagant parties, then why not have a large wedding? If they are more conservative and would never have had a large wedding in the first place, then they should choose to have a more relaxed and intimate wedding. They shouldn’t be looking back on the past but rather living in the present and celebrating this new part of their lives.”
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Some brides and grooms may think that they’ll seem a little extra if they want a big wedding with all of the fixings, particularly if they already had a big event for their previous relationship. But this shouldn’t stop you from doing what you want, says Orsini.
“If they want the trimmings and a big blow out wedding the second time around, I say go for it!” she says. “I’m a very big proponent for clients getting what they want and not worrying too much about what people may think. We all know you’ll never please everyone! So do what makes you happy, as long as it’s a good party! Bottom line is, your guests just want to come and celebrate with you. Why not give them a big party, if that’s your vision?”
HealthyWay
You’re likely not trying to upset anyone by getting married a second, third, fourth, fifth, or hundredth time; You probably just want to have a wedding the way you want. Guess what? There’s nothing wrong with that. Last time we checked, you and your fiancé(e) are getting married, not anyone who has something negative to say about your marriage. So do what you and your future spouse want to do, and if that includes having the wedding of your dreams more than once, so be it.

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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Beyond Baby Talk: How To Help Babies And Toddlers Learn Through Speech

You can’t help it. You stare into your baby’s eyes and you let out a sentence full of words that you’ve never said before, in a voice that doesn’t sound quite like yours.
Welcome to parenthood, the land where babbling isn’t just OK—it’s part of helping our babies develop the speech they’ll eventually need to tell us how much they love us (hey, that’s the plan, right?).
How parents talk to their kids, and the “right” way to teach children their mother language has been studied and debated by scientists for decades. Should you be pulling out board books when you’re still just a day or two postpartum and reading to your newborn? Do you really need to buy those fancy flashcards they advertise on all the baby sites? And what’s the deal with baby talk anyway?
Slow down. You’re talking too fast! Here’s what the experts have to say about it all!

Baby Talk

What we say to our kids matters. They need to hear “I love you” for their emotional development. They need to hear a variety of words for their speech development. And Mother Nature’s got our back.
Parents are hardwired to adjust their speech patterns when babies arrive, especially moms, who tend to switch to what’s called “infant-directed speech” without even thinking about it, says Greg Bryant, PhD, associate professor and vice chair of the Department of Communications at UCLA.
Unlike baby talk—which is essentially using nonsense words and diminutives when talking to your baby (think phrases like cutsie wootsie instead of cute)—infant-directed speech describes a change in speech patterns.
The voice generally goes up an octave (or two), and we tend to elongate our vowels, enunciating words so they’re sounded out rather than mushed together in the speedy way we tend to speak to other adults. Think about how you try to teach a baby to say mama. Instead of a quick mama, we tend to say maaa-maaa. That’s a classic example of infant-directed speech.
“Early on, kids need to learn the sounds of the language they’re going to speak,” Bryant explains. “They more clearly they hear it, the easier it is to learn.”
But while it’s an important part of being a parent, Bryant is quick to tell parents not to get stressed out by the headlines that implore them to read to kids from infancy in order to boost their vocabulary and literacy skills, or warnings that kids as young as 18 months can experience a “word gap,” lagging behind their peers with larger vocabularies.
“[Reading] helps to make them literate,” he says. But language development is minimal when they’re sleeping through the book and not engaged with the story, he says. It’s OK to hold off until they’re able to at least see the pictures on the pages!
Pediatric speech language pathologist Jenny Cardinal of Riley Children’s Health in Indianapolis says much of language development for babies and toddlers happens more organically.
“Children learn language through the vocabulary and language modeled to them through their everyday interactions and natural environment activities such as eating snacks and bath time,” she notes.
Although every baby is different and will develop at their own pace, parents can generally expect the following in the baby stage:

Birth to About 3 Months

Baby will make cooing or vowel sounds and have cries that mean different things, for example, “Change my diaper” or “I’m hungry.”

4 to 6 Months

Baby will likely be cooing and making speech-like babbling sounds such as ba, pa, and mi.

7 to 12 Months

Babies will babble longer strings of sounds such as mimi, up-up, and baba. It is also around this age that they will imitate different speech sounds and say one to two true words—such as hi, dog, dada, mama, or uh-oh—around their first birthday.

Walking but Not (Necessarily) Talking

Although many babies can say “real” words before they hit age 1, every child will progress at different rates, and the words they use may not make a whole lot of sense to anyone other than their parents and caregivers.  
“Children typically have one to two true words by between 12 and 15 months of age,” Cardinal says. “These words may not sound exactly as an adult would say them (e.g., da for dog), but the word is used consistently to mean a specific thing.”
Cardinal suggests engaging in play and talking about what is happening using a variety of words, not just labeling with nouns.
“Model action words and adjectives, too, to help your child expand their vocabulary,” she says. “When playing, get at eye level with your child so they can see your mouth modeling words for them. Take turns with them so that they understand how conversations work.”
Cardinal encourages parents to make investments of their time. “The more practice with talking your child gets, the better they become! It is always helpful to read books together so that they hear a variety of vocabulary words and can use the pictures to help them understand.”
In their second year of life (the 12 months between their first and second birthdays), kids tend to start making the m, p, b, h, and w sounds. Typically they pick up a variety of new words, although they’re still not stringing together sentences.
Between 2 and 3, Cardinal says children typically use the t, d, n, k, g and f sounds within words. More complex speech sounds such as l, s, r, v, z, j, ch, sh, and th continue to develop through the age of 7.

You’ve got a talker!

Infant-directed speech should continue through about age 4 or 5 Bryant says, but it naturally lessens as kids get older and more adept at language. Think about it—when was the last time you encouraged a school-aged child to say Maaa-maaaa?
To keep language development going, reading to and with kids is important, as is challenging them to use the words they see and hear every day. That can simply mean using “big” words in your vocabulary or asking them to describe things they see, fishing for adjectives that stretch their imagination.
As Cardinal says, it’s in those rides in the car or dinner table conversations that “they not only hear and learn to produce speech sounds modeled to them, but also learn how to put words together to make phrases and sentences using a variety of words including pronouns, nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, etc.”
Her final piece of advice?
“Talk at a level your child understands and model grammatical phrases and sentences.”

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In the Kitchen Nosh

Why You Need An Instant Pot Immediately (And A Healthy Recipe To Get You Started)

Disclaimer: Just so you know, if you order an item through one of our posts, we may get a small share of the sale.

In case you haven’t heard, the Instant Pot is the best kitchen invention since sliced bread. This multi-purpose appliance has a wide array of features including pressure cooking, slow cooking, a rice cooker, a yogurt maker, and an egg cooker, as well as a sauté function, steamer, and warmer.
If you love making food but need to save on space, or if you adore home cooking but are short on time, the Instant Pot is about to become your best friend!

Pressure Cooking 101

Pressure cooking is ideal for ingredients that normally take hours or even a full day to cook. In fact, the Instant Pot pressure cooker setting can shorten cooking times by up to 70 percent. Dried beans, lentils, hearty grains such as barley and wheat berries, beets, and hearty root vegetables no longer take up valuable stovetop real estate and their cooking times are reduced by hours.
The Instant Pot’s pressure cooking seal also prevents smells from permeating your home, making it the perfect appliance to have on in the background while you relax before dinner.

A Few Words of Pressure Cooker Warning

The internal temperature of an Instant Pot’s pressure cooker setting isn’t hot enough to properly sterilize jars for home canning, which is a potential drawback for home canning aficionados. Delicate foods such as flaky white fish, pastries, and baby greens will also fare for the worst when cooked in a pressure cooker.

Instant Pot Tips to Have You Cooking Like a Pro

  • Add an additional 10 to 20 minutes of time to your total recipe when using an Instant Pot as it needs to preheat and cool down before opening.
  • Grains and beans can be cooked in an Instant Pot without any additional soaking time.
  • It’s important to have at least a half a cup of water, stock, or broth in your Instant Pot at all times.
  • Likewise, don’t overfill an Instant Pot! If you’re cooking with ingredients that expand, such as grains or beans, make sure it’s only filled halfway.
  • If you already have an arsenal of pressure cooker recipes, they can still be cooked in an Instant Pot, just use this handy conversion chart.

Instant Pot Black Bean Soup (With Topping Suggestions)

This recipe for black bean soup requires very little prep and comes together quickly. Leftover soup makes a filling and healthy weekday lunch and individual servings can be frozen for up to three months. This soup will thicken up considerably after it cools, making it perfect for reheating the next day. Use the topping suggested below or make up your own. The only limit is your taste and imagination!

Active Time: 20 Minutes

Total Time: 60 Minutes

Servings: 6 to 8

Special Equipment:

  • Instant Pot
  • Sharp knife for chopping vegetables
  • Measuring cups and spoons

Ingredients:

  • 1 Tbsp. olive oil
  • 1 medium-sized red or white onion, finely diced
  • 1 green pepper, cut into thin strips and diced
  • 2 carrots, peeled and finely diced
  • 1 small zucchini, finely diced
  • 2 large stalks of celery, cut into very thin half-moons
  • 1 Tbsp. cumin
  • 1 Tbsp. smoked paprika
  • 1 to 2 Tbsp. chili powder
  • 1 tsp. kosher or sea salt
  • 3 bay leaves
  • 1 lb black beans, dried
  • One 14.5 ounce can of diced tomatoes in their juices
  • 6 cups vegetable or chicken stock
  • Freshly cracked pepper and kosher salt to taste

Toppings:

  • Avocado, diced
  • Regular or turkey bacon, crumbled
  • Cheddar or Monterey Jack, shredded
  • Cotija or mild feta cheese, crumbled
  • Chicken or pork, shredded
  • Pico de gallo
  • Roasted vegetables
  • Charred corn
  • Pickled red onions or radishes
  • Greek yogurt or sour cream

Method:

  1. Cook the onion, green pepper, carrots, zucchini, and celery in the olive oil until softened using the Instant Pot’s sauté function (note: if using the Instant Pot IP-LUX60 select the “Normal” heat level for sautéing).
  2. Add the cumin, smoked paprika, and chili powder to the vegetables and stir until they’re evenly coated with the spice mixture.
  3. Stir in the dried black beans, canned tomatoes, vegetable stock, and bay leaves.
  4. Set the Instant Pot to manual high pressure and cook the soup for 40 minutes. Allow the pressure to naturally release which, depending on your Instant Pot, can take 15 to 20 minutes.
  5. Once the Instant Pot has depressurized, carefully remove the bay leaves with kitchen tongs or a slotted spoon.
  6. Top and serve immediately or allow to come to room temperature before storing in the fridge or freezer.