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Wellbeing

12 Signs That A Thyroid May Not Be Working As It Should

Do you have an overactive or underactive thyroid?

According to the American Thyroid Association, about 12 percent of Americans will have thyroid conditions at some point in their lives. By their estimate, 20 million Americans currently have thyroid conditions, but over half are completely unaware.
Why is that? Most people aren’t aware of the symptoms of thyroid dysfunction. In fact, a large portion of people are unaware of what the even thyroid does.
https://twitter.com/wellybadger/status/198021474152497153
The thyroid is a gland that controls metabolism and sends hormones throughout the body. It’s shaped like a butterfly, and it’s located near the base of your neck.

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“It produces hormones that regulate your metabolism by controlling how many calories you burn, as well as how fast or slow your brain, heart, liver, and other organs work,” endocrinologist Christian Nasr, medical director of the Thyroid Center at the Cleveland Clinic, told Health.com.
Because it plays a critical role in your overall health, you should know some of the symptoms of thyroid dysfunction.
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Before we get to the symptoms, however, an important note: If you have any of these symptoms, seek assistance from a qualified physician. Only a doctor can diagnose thyroid issues, and this article is intended to raise awareness, not to function as medical advice.
With that said, let’s look at 12 of the most common symptoms, as explained by medical professionals and sources.

1. Fatigue

Getting the appropriate amount of sleep and still feeling fatigued can be a sign of a thyroid issue—but it can also be a number of different conditions. Take a look at our video to learn more about how an underactive thyroid can affect your energy levels.

2. Anxiety and Depression

According to Harvard Health Publishing, when the thyroid gland creates too much or too little of the hormone it uses to regulate metabolism patients often report mood disturbances.

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These can manifest in a variety of ways, depending on the nature of your condition, but if you’re feeling anxious, jittery, nervous, or depressed, there’s a chance that your thyroid is to blame.

3. Constipation

Without getting too graphic, hypothyroidism is associated with constipation.
This is because your thyroid’s main role is—you guessed it—metabolism, and it therefore controls the function of your digestive tract. When your body isn’t producing enough thyroid hormone, you’ll have trouble “producing,” to use a very strained euphemism.

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Thyroid hyperactivity, on the other hand, can have the opposite effect, causing excessive trips to the bathroom. Any sudden changes in your digestive habits are a good reason to see your doctor, since they can be indicative of other medical conditions.

4. Random Sweat

“Is it hot in here, or is it just me and my hyperactive thyroid?”

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If your body is having a tough time regulating its energy production, you may start sweating at apparently random times. You may also feel extremely warm, even when the room is cold. You might also feel perfectly comfortable as you’re sweating up a storm, though this symptom depends on the person.

5. Weight Management Issues

This is the thyroid dysfunction symptom that most people know about: if you have an underactive thyroid, you might gain weight easily.

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If you have an overactive thyroid, you might have trouble putting weight on.
Try not to get too obsessed with overall “weight,” though, since that can be misleading. Body fat percentage is a better metric to track, since weight varies considerably throughout the day.
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More importantly, pay attention to how you feel, and note any sudden changes in your appetite. If you’re eating a lot, but you’re always hungry and you can’t put on weight, hyperthyroidism might be the culprit.

6. Changes in Taste

Thyroid dysfunction can change how you taste certain foods, since your body will incorrectly gauge how much nutrition you need—and what type of nutrition.
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If you suddenly start craving certain foods and your appetite changes dramatically, you could be producing a different amount of thyroid hormone.

7. Thinning Hair

Severe and prolonged issues with your thyroid, according to the British Thyroid Foundation, can cause hair loss. When your thyroid isn’t functioning correctly, your body wrongly assumes that it needs to divert resources to essential body functions. In other words, your body thinks that it has very limited energy reserves, so it goes into a “conservation mode” that de-prioritizes anything that doesn’t keep you alive.

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Unfortunately, your hair might be one of the top targets of these misguided conservation efforts. People with thyroid issues (especially hyperthyroidism) often notice thinning hair. In some cases, they’ll lose hair entirely, but the good news is that adequate treatment will usually restore hair.

8. Muscle Soreness

Thyroid issues can be painful. According to the Mayo Clinic, physical symptoms include aching extremities, muscle pain, tenderness, and stiffness. If you have arthritis, the condition may be worsened by thyroid dysfunction. Severe thyroid issues can also manifest with painful aches in the neck (where the thyroid is located).

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You might also notice cold sensations in your fingers and toes along with occasional numbness. This is, again, due to changes in your body’s energy regulation.

9. Visible Lumps

If you notice lumps in your neck, these could be signs of a thyroid condition, but they could also be a goiter—an enlarged but perfectly functional thyroid—or simply enlarged lymph nodes.

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The American Thyroid Association suggests that if you notice any visible change, see a doctor right away for proper diagnosis.

10. Dry Skin

While hyperthyroidism may make you sweat too much, as mentioned earlier, it’s also possible your body might not sweat enough due to hypothyroidism. The lack of moisture can quickly result in dry, flaky, or itchy skin.

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The limited hormone production will also affect other parts of your body; you might notice cracked, brittle fingernails and toenails, for instance. Of course, dry nails and skin can also be caused by a lack of hydration, so make sure you’re drinking enough water.
The Mayo Clinic recommends eight 8-ounce glasses of fluid per day, noting that any fluid counts toward the daily total.

11. High Blood Pressure

It is known that both hypothyroidism and hyperthyroidism can result in high blood pressure, although scientists disagree about the specific mechanism that causes that high blood pressure, according to the American Heart Association.

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The most popular theory is that low thyroid hormones will slow the heartbeat, affecting the flexibility of blood vessel walls and eventually resulting in high blood pressure. Likewise, high thyroid hormones cause the heart to beat faster, creating a more direct effect.
In either case, sudden changes in blood pressure always warrant a medical examination, so if this is something you’re experiencing, you should speak with your physician.

12. Menstrual Cycle Changes

Women with thyroid issues may experience sudden changes with their periods, although this isn’t always directly linked with thyroid hormone production.

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Instead, metabolism changes may prompt a woman’s body to go into an anemic state (meaning a deficiency of red blood cells). This can cause fertility issues, so, again, it’s a symptom that shouldn’t be ignored. If you notice any changes in your menstrual cycle, tell your doctor right away.

So, what do you do if you have hyperthyroidism, hypothyroidism, or thyroid disease?

First things first: get to your doctor. No internet article can provide treatment advice—it can only make you aware of the potential symptoms and issues they cause.


Typical treatment strategies involve short-term hormone therapy, which can restore normal functionality very quickly. Your doctor may also look into the causes of the thyroid condition, as some are commonly caused by autoimmune disorders, medications, and other obvious triggers that will need to be addressed for a long-term cure.

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Remember, medical diagnoses should always be handled by a qualified physician. Many of the symptoms on this list can also apply to other conditions, so don’t assume that you have a thyroid issue when you speak with your physician.
There’s good news, however: if you do have a thyroid disorder, you can often treat it safely and effectively in a matter of months.

Categories
Motherhood

7 Traits Kids Get From Their Fathers

It was a colleague’s suggestion that led Amanda Gorman, a pediatric nurse practitioner, and her husband, Ryan, to discover that their daughter has familial hypercholesterolemia. A genetic disorder inherited from parents, familial hypercholesterolemia is known for causing early cardiovascular disease. It was a long history of cardiovascular problems in Ryan’s family that initially clued his colleague in to the possibility of a genetic disease in the family.
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“We’ve always known that my husband’s risk factors for early cardiovascular disease were likely high, given his family history of early male deaths and cardiac events under age 50. When he was starting treatment for his high cholesterol in his early forties, his colleague, having heard his family history and seen his numbers, suggested he have his children checked for familial hypercholesterolemia,” Amanda explains.
Fortunately, the timing of this suggestion was just right, as Amanda and Ryan’s daughter, who was 3 at a time, was scheduled to have an eye surgery the following week. Knowing she would be sedated, Amanda requested a fasting blood panel in hopes of checking her for symptoms of this genetic disorder. When the tests came back showing elevated cholesterol levels, they knew something was up.
[pullquote align=”center”]“This gene is thought to result in impaired ability to control inflammation.”
—Jen Stagg[/pullquote]
In the end, through extensive testing for her husband, they discovered that Ryan carries familial hypercholesterolemia. Although it is a serious condition with the potential for early cardiovascular events and even premature death, early detection in both father and daughter means they can both live long lives if they adhere to their specific treatment plans. For her husband, this means a healthy lifestyle and a medication regimen, while their daughter is following strict diet until she is old enough to start medication.
Familial hypercholesterolemia is just one condition that children can inherit from their dads. Both mental health conditions and genetic disorders like the one mentioned above are things fathers can pass on to their babies. Curious what else a child can inherit from dear old dad? Here are seven traits kids get from their fathers.

1. The Heart of the Matter

In a similar vein, sons can actually inherit a gene from their fathers that increases their risk of coronary heart disease by 50 percent, according to Jen Stagg, a naturopathic doctor who specializes in helping patients make healthy decisions based on their unique genetic makeups.
“This gene is thought to result in impaired ability to control inflammation, which is critical in preventing the development of plaque in the arteries of the heart,” Stagg explains.
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A study led by the University of Leicester supports Stagg’s understanding that coronary artery disease—a condition characterized by a decreased delivery of oxygen to the heart caused by narrowed blood vessels—may be passed from father to son.

2. The Genetics of Mental Health

Although both parents may pass mental health disorders on to their children, there are certain diagnoses that are more likely to be passed from father to child if the father is older, says Stagg. Specifically, children of older fathers with a schizophrenia or attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) diagnosis are at an increased risk of being diagnosed with these conditions themselves.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Fathers are four times more likely to have new mutations in their DNA because they continue to produce new sperm as they age.
—Jen Stagg[/pullquote]
To clarify, mothers can pass on mental health conditions like schizophrenia, ADHD, or bipolar disorder to their children, but older fathers have a greater likelihood of passing on genetic mutations of all kinds for a very interesting reason.
“Just recently, it was discovered that fathers are four times more likely to have new mutations in their DNA because they continue to produce new sperm as they age. Mothers, on the other hand, have all of their eggs from their birth.”
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“This appears to result in more rare genetic diseases in their children, as well as high incidence of neurodevelopmental disorders like autism,” explains Stagg, citing both a study published in JAMA Psychiatry and further research shared by The Guardian.

3. His Daddy’s Smile

Although less serious, children may be at an increased risk of developing problems with their teeth if their father has dealt with certain dental issues.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Genes passed on by father tend to be more active than the same gene from the mother.”
—Jen Stagg[/pullquote]
Tooth size, jaw size, and the shape of teeth are all genetic, and children can inherit these characteristics from either parent, according to research that appeared in the American Journal of Physical Anthropology.
However, Stagg explains why it is believed there is a significant possibility of fathers passing these traits on to their children.
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“This is possibly a result of genetic dominance, where genes passed on by [the] father tend to be more active than the same gene from the mother. This may be the case when it comes to genetics related to size of the jaw, which could result in overcrowding of teeth or tooth decay from soft enamel,” Stagg says.

4. The Truth About Infertility

Men who have low sperm quality may turn to in vitro fertilization to help them conceive a child. However, research associated with in vitro fertilization indicates that fathers with sperm issues may be passing their struggles with infertility on to their sons, according to a study published in the journal Human Reproduction.
Specifically, recently published data collected from the oldest group of men who were conceived using intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI, a fertility treatment) indicates that infertility in men is an inherited trait.
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This research showed that the men conceived by ICSI were more likely to have low quality sperm, just as their fathers did. This data was compared to sets collected from men conceived without the assistance of fertility treatments, who had much higher sperm counts.
Although further study is necessary, the research indicates that fathers with lower sperm counts could pass their fertility problems on to their sons.

5. Boy or Girl?

On a much lighter note, whether a child is a girl or a boy is actually determined by their father. In fact, the father’s family tree can be used to determine the likelihood of a couple having a girl or a boy, according to a study recently published in Science Daily.
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Let’s review something you may or may not remember from your high school science classes: The sex of a baby is determined by the father’s sperm. If the sperm is carrying an X chromosome, it teams up with the mother’s X chromosome and a baby girl is conceived. Alternatively, if the father’s sperm is carrying a Y chromosome, a boy is conceived.
This may be old news to you, but what is particularly interesting is the fact that scientists can now look at a family tree and make an educated guess about the likelihood of a man having a boy or a girl. These researchers hypothesize that a yet-to-be-discovered gene is in charge of determining how X and Y chromosomes are distributed across the father’s sperm.

6. It’s in his eyes.

Let’s be clear, it would definitely be a stretch to say that dad determines the color of the baby’s eyes. The truth is, both of the parents’ genes play a role in the determining if a baby has light or dark eyes. But if a dad has certain traits, it is easier to predict what color eyes his child will have.
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Basically, we know that certain eye colors are determined by recessive genes and others by dominant genes. Lighter colors, like blue or green, are caused by recessive genes, whereas brown eyes are caused by dominant genes. This means if both parents have light eyes, there is a much higher likelihood that the child will, too. However, if one parent has dark eyes, there is a much higher likelihood the child’s eyes will be dark, too.
So, in a roundabout way, a dad with dark eyes has a greater influence on the color of his child’s eyes.

7. Towering Over Mom

A quick glance at most families will reveal what most people already assume to be true—kids inherit their height from dad and mom. And yes, height is largely determined by genetics, but the science behind this trait is still being explored, and new research on the topic is fascinating.
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A study published in the journal Nature, for instance, was able to nail down 700 different genetic sequences that play a role in determining how tall (or short) a person might be. Additionally, this research found that the vast majority of these sequences were common variants with a small impact on height. In some cases, however, rare variants were influential, accounting for as much as an inch of a study participant’s height.

What to Do if You’re Worried About Genetic History

Parents with a family history of genetic health disorders are right to have concerns about their future children. Eye color and gender are one thing, but knowing a child might inherit an infertility disorder or potentially life-threatening disease like familial hypercholesterolemia is daunting.
[pullquote align=”center”]“A couple can visit with a genetic counselor who can work with them to outline potential cause [for] concern.”
—Jen Stagg[/pullquote]
Educating yourself about your family history if you are able is a good first step before having children. Spend time gathering information from both sides of the family on general health conditions and mental health diagnoses.
Using this information, you should be able to see patterns or notice red flags that you might want to talk through with a doctor.
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“Genetic counselors and clinical geneticists are trained healthcare professionals who have expertise in addressing concerns about genetics. If contemplating pregnancy, a couple can visit with a genetic counselor who can work with them to outline potential cause [for] concern,” advises Stagg.

Categories
Nosh

The Truth About How Grocery Stores Are Designed To Make You Buy More Stuff

If you’re like most Americans, you spend a lot of time in your local grocery market.
According to statistics website Statista, the average U.S. consumer goes grocery shopping 1.5 times per week. Those shopping trips are big business: Grocery sales generated over $600 billion in 2015.
To keep you spending, your local grocer employs some nifty marketing tricks. That’s not to say that they’re doing anything shady, exactly.

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“[Marketing] used to be all about the product, now it’s all about the customer’s experience,” Georganne Bender, partner at Kizer & Bender. Her firm helps retailers design store layouts, market new products, and improve their sales. “Obviously, there’s a benefit to the retailer, but the purpose of it is to make people feel better when they’re in the store and make it easy for them.”
We spoke with Bender to find out about the methods that grocery stores use to keep shoppers moving—and how some of those techniques can compel people to buy things they don’t really need.

The supermarket starts selling as soon as you walk in the door.

Well, to be fair, the selling starts before you walk in the door, since retailers carefully control things like parking space availability to ensure a positive experience. Once you’re in, however, you’ll be immediately presented with a selection of seasonal items.
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“When you go into stores, you’ll see things called merchandise outposts, which are generally tables of merchandise that is somewhere in the aisles of the store,” Bender says, “but because there’s an event or holiday coming up, they bring it out to other areas of the store. It’s called cross-merchandising.”
The merchandise outpost is a type of “speed bump,” and whether or not you buy something, you’ll likely pause for a moment to check out the new items.
“They work the same way speed bumps in parking lots work,” Bender says. “They slow you down. When you walk into a store, you’re thinking about all of the things you have to do for the day, and your list, and you’re getting your kids organized. When you walk in, they want to put something that makes you stop and look.”
If you’re moving more slowly, you’re more prone to making an impulsive purchase or adding a few items to your list.

They put the products they really want you to notice at eye level.

This might not come as a surprise; most parents already know that retailers keep candies and sweet cereals at kids’ eye levels.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Eye level is considered buy level.”
—Georganne Bender[/pullquote]
“When kids walk down the aisle, they see candy and ask Mom for it,” Bender says. Retailers also make sure that adults walk right past the must-see items.
“Eye level is considered buy level,” Bender says. “It’s exactly 5 foot 4 inches, the height of an average woman.”
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Name-brand items are typically the more expensive products in grocery stores, and that’s why they want you to buy them. To help persuade you, stores place these items at eye level so you’re less likely to keep searching the shelves once you see them.
Recently, a new trend called “vertical slicing” has started replacing some eye-level positioning. The retailers lay out items across several shelves in vertical “slices,” which keeps the brand in front of customer’s eyes.

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“Say there’s a display and it’s got four different kinds of liquid detergent, they’ll put a vertical slice of [each] one. It doesn’t matter which shelf the customer’s looking at, they’re going to see that product.”

They understand that you shop differently if you’re eating healthy.

“We’ve been kind of trained from the time we were little, when we went shopping with our parents, that you grab a shopping cart and you go up and down every aisle,” Bender says.

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“But if you’re eating healthier, there’s a good chance that you don’t go up and down every aisle,” she continues. “You just shop the perimeter.”
Store owners know that, so they’ll place must-see items in “end caps,” which cap off each aisle.
“The end caps [near the] meat department might be something that they don’t want you to miss,” Bender says. “They’ll put the things they don’t want you to miss in areas adjacent to the perimeter, sometimes in the perimeter.”
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If you’re trying to eat healthy, you might want to avoid those end caps entirely. Good luck—they’re designed to grab your attention.

The milk’s in the back, but probably not for the reason you’d expect.

Retailers typically put milk, eggs, and other essentials toward the back of the store. That’s to get people to walk through the entire store to get those must-have items, right?
[pullquote align=”center”]“I tell the retailers to put the milk in the front of the store for the convenience of the customers, and the retailers, typically, ignore my advice.”
—Burt Flickinger[/pullquote]
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Well, not exactly. Milk needs to stay cold (duh), and the freezers and refrigerators are typically in the back. They could build the refrigerators in the front, but they don’t.
Why? NPR’s Planet Money interviewed a few experts to find out, but their results weren’t exactly conclusive.
“I tell the retailers to put the milk in the front of the store for the convenience of the customers, and the retailers, typically, ignore my advice and put the milk in the back of the store where they’ve been putting it for 70 to 80 years,” retail consultant Burt Flickinger told the show.
While grocery store designers carefully plan out every aspect of the shopping experience, they’re creatures of habit just like everyone else. While some might put those necessities in the back as a way of upselling customers, most simply do it because they’ve never considered the alternative.

Many stores have scent machines, and when they don’t, they improvise.

Fragrances can be incredibly compelling to shoppers. Scent marketing services like ScentAir help retailers retain their customers by pumping certain aromas through stores with discreet devices (they offer similar services for casinos and other businesses).
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“It’s called aromacology,” Bender says. “When we smell something, it takes us back immediately to the first place we smelled it. So if you walk through the bakery and smell chocolate chip cookies, there’s a really good chance that that’s going to take you back to being a little kid at home with your mom or Grandma making cookies. Scents make us feel good.”
“That’s why, if the store’s not using a machine like a ScentAir machine, they’ll either have flowers right near the front door, or the bakery’s close to the front door. It puts us in a good mood. ”

That music is nice and upbeat for a reason.

Ever find yourself tapping your toe as you make your way down the aisles? Stores select music very carefully to keep you shopping. They pay hefty music licensing fees to organizations like ASCAP, and many also invest in services like SiriusXM Music for Business, which pipes in carefully tailored playlists to keep shoppers in a good mood.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Disco is the sound of money.”
—Georganne Bender[/pullquote]
“They play music because it’s comforting for you to shop with music,” Bender says, “and the type of store [determines] the type of music they play. When Rich [Kizer] and I are designing stores, we always tell them to play upbeat music like disco.”
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Yes, you read that right: disco.
“Disco is the sound of money,” she says. “It doesn’t matter how old you are, the beat makes you feel good. You’ll stay longer in the store, and you’ll spend more.”
We’ve never heard disco described as “the sound of money,” but somehow, that sounds about right.
Some major retail chains are trying to change this tactic. For decades, Target hasn’t played background music, possibly because they target mothers with young children who might appreciate the peace and quiet. Recently, the chain started introducing music in some stores in an effort to revive its sales.
“When you go into those stores, it’s too quiet,” Bender says. “If the store isn’t busy and you’re walking around a giant store and there’s no sound at all.”

They don’t redesign the store just to throw you off.

One common myth suggests that grocery stores undergo redesigns just to change their regular customers’ shopping habits. Bender says that while some retailers might occasionally reorganize their products to sell them more effectively, they try to avoid massive changes—and they certainly try to make those changes easy on their customers.
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“Our grocery store just did a complete re-lay, and it really messes you up for a while until you learn it again,” she says. “We become accustomed to where things are, and that’s why people become so loyal to their favorite grocery store. They know where everything is.”
Some stores try to make re-designs easier by positioning staff members at the end of each aisle. Bender notes that one store even handed out maps to visitors.

So there you have it: the truth about why grocery stores are the way they are.

Are they designed with profits in mind? Sure. But is it nefarious? Eh, not quite.
“[A lot of people] try to make retailers out to be these bad guys who just want your money,” Bender says. “They’re not. They’re just business people who want their customers to have a comfortable experience.”

Speaking of buying things and customer comfort: There are ways you can hack your shopping experience.

Starting off with a list—extra points if it has built-in visual cues, like a full spread of items that you can mark throughout the week as you run out—is a great way to streamline the process since you can generate the list as you go, and it’ll keep you from making any impulse buys once you’re in the store.
If you want to help save the planet, bring your own eco-friendly shopping bag (or bags, let’s be honest), and if you have a grabby baby in tow, you can help distract them from all those strategically placed, eye-level goodies by plopping them in something like this Brica Go Shop Baby Shopping Cart Cover, which comes equipped with toy loops and a smartphone pouch.
Finally, having a place in your trunk to store cold items for the drive and organize the groceries once you buy them can mean the difference between eggs and cracked eggs, ice cream and just cream—these are important distinctions, especially when your schedule or your budget won’t allow two-a-day grocery trips.

Categories
Trending

11 Stories Of When Small Symptoms Pointed To Life-Changing Diagnoses

According to a survey by Bankrate, one in four Americans avoid going to the doctor due to the high cost of medical care. Sometimes, though, money isn’t the issue; we simply don’t believe that we’re that sick. Why spend a few hundred bucks at the doctor’s office when you’ve only got a slight sniffle?
Unfortunately, we don’t have the necessary training to diagnose our own illnesses, and while some symptoms might seem relatively minor, they can be indicative of fairly serious issues. In a recent Reddit thread, users shared their stories of small problems that had big implications.

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We collected the best of these stories, edited them slightly for readability, and share them here as cautionary tales. 
If you’re thinking about putting off that next routine checkup, these stories might change your mind.

1. Even when one doctor gives you a clean bill of health, you might need a second opinion.

“When I was deployed to Afghanistan as a medic, a medevac pilot came in because he had a small abnormality on his flight physical electrocardiogram (EKG),” Reddit user Absolute906 wrote. “Apparently, this was something he had been getting waivers for years for.”
In other words, the pilot was familiar with the problem, but as far as he knew, it wasn’t really a problem—or at least, it wasn’t anything that would stop him from working.

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“I had just finished an [anatomy and physiology] class and had learned about something called Brugada syndrome, which is basically an arrhythmia that causes sudden cardiac death in the patient. I jokingly mentioned how his EKG reminded me of the abnormality I saw in my textbook, thinking there was no way he actually had it. It had to be [an] artifact from the EKG.”

“The doctor’s eyes widened and he sprinted out of the office,” they continued. “The pilot had it. He was immediately relieved of flight duty, sent home, and had a defibrillator put into his heart before being medically retired.”
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“I accidentally diagnosed a man with certain death.”
That’s the pessimistic perspective; looking at it another way, Absolute906 had almost certainly saved the pilot from certain death. Brugada syndrome typically causes sudden death around age 40, and because it’s so rare—it’s thought to affect 5 out of every 10,000 people—it’s often missed or ignored until it’s too late.  

2. Bad headaches can certainly indicate a serious issue.

We’ve covered this beforeheadaches can be a serious symptom when they’re frequent or excessively painful. When you can describe a headache as “the worst I’ve ever had,” it’s certainly time to head to your family physician’s office.
“When I was 12, I had a crazy bad headache that wouldn’t go away,” wrote user muffinlova. “My dad brought me to the doctor, and I didn’t even make it to the exam room before they turned me back and sent us to the hospital.”

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“It turns out my headache was from a burst sinus cavity…as in, all the bones around my eye broke, and the liquid leaked back onto my brain, giving me brain meningitis. My eye was bulging out to the point where I looked like an alien, and they told my parents I was not going to make it.”
“Obviously, I pulled through, but I was hospitalized for two weeks and missed two months of school. I was, at the time, only the third known case of this happening, and they had flown in doctors from all over the US and from the UK. Crazy stuff.”

3. Even if you feel perfectly healthy, trust your physician.

Reddit user ThePicklests father used to be a powerlifter. The key word there is “used to.” One day, he felt some unusual pain, so he went to the doctor’s office.
“A nurse comes in to the room, looks down at her chart, looks back up and says, ‘Mr. Pickle, you are having a heart attack.’ He got up on the bed and flexed, saying, ‘Does this look like a man that’s having a heart attack to you?'”
“She looked back down at her chart, up again, and says ‘Yes.’”

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Cardiac arrest can have a variety of symptoms, including fatigue, sweating, nausea, and cold or clammy skin (we’ve got a more detailed list of symptoms here). Mr. Pickle—and yes, we love saying that—made a classic mistake by assuming that heart attacks can only affect people who appear obviously unhealthy. Heart attacks don’t always look like they do in the movies; more often than not, they’re surprisingly subtle.
Fortunately, he lived through the episode, although he’s since passed away due to unrelated issues. ThePicklest notes that his father quit powerlifting a short time later and became “way more laid back.”
“He started running more than lifting, and learned to appreciate food a lot more. This was his favorite story to tell.”

4. Any sudden numbness certainly deserves medical attention.

“My mother woke up one day and her arm was numb,” user Stylophonics wrote. “After about 45 minutes, it will still pretty numb. She thought she had pinched a nerve in it sleeping, but went to the ER just in case.”
“She had had a stroke, which actually was caused by a blood clot, which moved up from her heart and exited a hole in her heart—a congenital defect she was unaware she had.”

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She ended up fine and the feeling in her arm came back,” Stylophonics continued, “but she was incredibly lucky that it did.”
Strokes are the leading preventable cause of disability, and by one estimate, 33 percent of Americans have had “mini-strokes” without realizing it. Each year, about 800,000 Americans have strokes. We’re really not trying to scare you—we’re just hoping that some cold, hard numbers help to show the reality.
The good news: Early diagnosis and treatment can greatly reduce the risk of long-term effects. The bad news: You’ve got to actually head to the doctor in order to receive said treatment.

5. Occasionally, physicians miss key symptoms for years…or decades.

“I was in a fender bender car accident—I was at fault—and my lower back would not stop aching,” wrote one Reddit user. “I went into the ER, figuring I had sprained the muscles in my back and that I would be prescribed muscle relaxers and maybe some pain pills.”
Of course, that wasn’t the case. The doctors seemed keenly interested in the patient’s bizarre results.

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“Six hours, several x-rays, a CT scan, and four doctors later, I found out my spine was broken and—get this—healed. The best theory any of them could come up with was that my spine had broken during birth, and since we never knew, it just healed itself, filling in with cartilage.”
“One of the doctors told me that, had we known my spine broke at birth, I would have likely never walked. I would have been treated as handicapped my whole life. I didn’t find out until I was 20, and I already had a child. My mom cried because she always thought I was just a really colicky baby, when in fact I was probably in a lot of pain.”

6. When your doctor’s exam procedures seem extreme, go along with them.

“I have male pattern baldness and needed a prescription for some hair growth medication from a dermatologist,” wrote Redditor mattigus. “The doctor said he would give me a prescription, but first wanted to do a full skin check-up, which he does for every new patient. I got annoyed by the fact that I had to strip … in front of this guy just for my hair medicine.”

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Hey, there’s a reason that the most effective medicines require a prescription—the physician has to check to make sure that you don’t have any other underlying health conditions that will affect the medication. In this case, that underlying condition was extremely serious.
“A few weeks later, I get a call,” he explained. “There was melanoma cancer on my back. They caught it early enough that it hadn’t spread. That checkup saved my life.”

7. Remember, serious symptoms aren’t always painful.

Reddit user so_illogical said that he might have bit the big one (pun intended) if he hadn’t checked up on some weird symptoms after a routine dental procedure.
“I was taking antibiotics for dental work and noticed these weird blisters showing up everywhere,” they wrote. “Weird, but whatever. 48 hours later, they started opening up, leaving holes in my skin—no blood, I just lost most of the skin in that area. Again, weird, but I was working, so whatever.”

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“Then they started appearing in my throat so I got to the hospital ASAP and was diagnosed immediately with Steven-Johnson syndrome. Any longer, and the layers of my skin would have literally peeled away from each other and I would have died. That was a sobering day.”
And people wonder why we hate the dentist.

8. When your physician recommends a CT scan, go for it.

“I had gallstones for three years or so before I finally got my gallbladder ripped out last year,” Redditor dude_icus wrote, using some unnecessarily violent verbiage. “At its worst, I was getting an attack maybe once a month or so, so I figured it couldn’t be that bad.”

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“I went to the surgeon for my post-op check-up,” he explained. “He told me that my gallbladder was filled with hundreds of stones of varying sizes, and that it was precancerous. Apparently, people don’t typically get gallbladder cancer until they are in their 80s or 90s. It is often very serious because people don’t catch it right away. I’m in my 20s, and like I said, I had been sitting on this problem for three years for I finally toughened up enough to get it checked out.”
The moral of the story: If you notice a new medical problem, don’t wait to head to the doctor—even if you’re fairly confident that you know what’s happening. You’ve got nothing to lose but your health.

9. Some of these stories are pretty heartbreaking.

“My girlfriend is in her final rotations for radiology,” wrote Facerless. “A while back, a young girl came in after winning a basketball championship. She had some shooting shin pain, but wasn’t in a [tremendous amount] of pain, still glowing from the win and talking excitedly about a scholarship offer.”

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“When her scan came back, about 60 percent of the marrow in her tibia was one big sarcoma (meaning cancer). Surgery and therapy essentially ended her shot at a full ride.”
Still, it saved her life. While losing a scholarship certainly hurts, we’re guessing that she gladly made the trade.

10. Some rare conditions can prompt a “mock pregnancy.”

“A few years ago, I took a positive pregnancy test,” Doctor_Dalek wrote (she’s not an actual doctor, despite her Whovian username).
“I went to the doctor to confirm, just thinking I would be getting some blood work done and maybe an ultrasound. They did the ultrasound, but couldn’t find a baby in my uterus, so they told me it was ectopic—implanted in a Fallopian tube—and I needed to have surgery to remove the baby.”
“I went into surgery and woke up a few hours later. The first thing I remember is seeing my parents and my fiancé crying. Turns out I was never pregnant; I actually had a tumor the size of my fist on my ovary, and my body was reacting to it like a baby. I had an HCG hormone and everything. I’m 4.5 years in remission.”

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Unfortunately, that’s not the only deeply disturbing pregnancy story on this list. Reddit user rockabillynurse is a nurse (hence the username) who was working in postpartum care when a patient came into the hospital in labor with her first child.
“She ended up requiring a C-section. In the operating room, they opened her up and found her belly full of cancerous growths. They immediately paged an oncologist at a neighboring hospital—we were just a women’s and children’s hospital—to come immediately while she was still open. It wound up being terminal. She wouldn’t even have known if she hadn’t needed that C-section.”
“Can you imagine going to the hospital to have your first baby and leaving with a diagnosis of terminal cancer? I think about her all the time.”

11. Any unusual long-term symptom certainly deserves medical attention.

“About four months after I had my son, I started to notice the vision in one of my eyes was really off,” wrote user tranquileyesme. “Blurry, spotty, etc. I didn’t really think about it much, because my eye didn’t hurt and wasn’t itchy, and I had a new baby to take care of.”
“Anyway, it lasted for months. Finally, my mom and sister convinced me I had to go to the eye doctor for it to see what was going on. I took my baby with, because I thought, ‘Hey, quick appointment. Maybe 20-30 minutes, and I’ll probably leave with some eye drops or something.'”
“Honestly, one of the worst days of my life. They put me through test after test. I was there for hours. I ended up calling my mom to come get the baby. They weren’t telling me anything. They scheduled an MRI for the next morning, because by this time, my 11 a.m. appointment had dragged out until 5:30 p.m., and the clinic was closed. We were the only people there. Still no answers. I am freaking out.”

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“[I] go back the next day and get the MRI done,” she continued. “They send me to the neurologist this time—no eye doctors today. When I walk in, he has all the results from my tests the day before and the MRI I had just taken a while before. I was told I had multiple sclerosis. It was very scary.”
She says she’s doing well, thanks to a supportive family and a firm commitment to her therapy.
“The first years were the hardest, with [having] a toddler and learning to adjust. Now he’s 10 and more self-sufficient. We decided not to have more children, which was really hard, but overall the best decision for our family.”

So, how do you know whether you really need to see your physician?

When in doubt, go ahead and set up an appointment. No one’s going to accuse you of being a hypochondriac just because you checked out some unusual symptoms, and as these stories demonstrate, you’re better safe than sorry.
“As a physician: listen to your bodies,” user Doctorpayne wrote. “You guys know yourselves much better than we will even after talking to you in an emergency room for 5-10 minutes. If something is going on that is far outside the usual, please come in to the ER. I would much rather see you and tell you you’re fine [rather than] than sick beyond the point of repair.”
With that said, don’t overreact if you’ve experienced any of the symptoms in this article. These stories are notable because they’re the exception; chances are good that you’ll be perfectly fine. Still, it never hurts to stay on top of your health.

Categories
Happy Home Lifestyle

She’s The Breadwinner: Why Happiness On The Homefront Might Be At Stake When Women Out-Earn Their Partners

There’s something interesting happening with a number of heterosexual couples: When the woman in the couple earns more than the man, the two spouses tend to report their incomes differently. The woman in the couple will say she makes less than she actually does, and the man will undervalue what she makes, too.
Meanwhile, the man is more likely to say he earns more than he actually does—and the wife is likely to say the same. Translation: Some people are still struggling with the idea of a female breadwinner in a heterosexual marriage.

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The Census Bureau recently discovered this trend among married couples when they saw that couples’ self-reporting didn’t always match their IRS filings.
“When a wife earns more, both husbands and wives exaggerate the husband’s earnings and diminish the wife’s,” according to a Census.gov article published in July 2018. “But husbands overstate their own earnings less than wives do, and wives devalue their own earnings less than husbands do.
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Basically, women who out-earn their male partners underreport their earnings, downplaying their financial success; the men in these relationships understate their wives’ earnings even further. Further, both parties overstate the husband’s earnings, with women exaggerating the most.
It’s clear that our culture is uncomfortable with women earning the majority of the money in their relationship. Why is this, and how common are female breadwinners anyway? Here’s what you should know.

In the United States, it wasn’t common for married or coupled women to work outside the home until a few decades ago.

Of course, women have always labored and contributed to their partnerships or families. Women around the world have done agricultural work for millennia and continue to do so today. Women also took on the brunt of work around the home, including cooking, cleaning, childcare, and laundry. Worldwide, many single and coupled women work outside of their homes to bring in an income, supporting themselves and their families.

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That said, in the United States specifically, it wasn’t common for married women to work in non-agricultural, professional settings until World War II. According to a book by labor historian Kim Moody, “The rate of participation of women in the labor force rose from about 28 percent in 1940 to 37 percent in 1945 and then fell to 30 percent in 1947. By 1950, it was around 32 percent, below the wartime peak but above the prewar level.”
In 2018, according to the U.S. Department of Labor, there are 74.6 million women in the American civilian labor force. Almost 47 percent of people working in the U.S. are women. And moms are currently the “primary or sole earners” for a full 40 percent of households with kids under 18. Back in 1960, this number was just 11 percent. And data from the Pew Research Center suggests that 28 percent of women earn more than their husband or male partner, while 3 percent earn the same salary.
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Data also shows that many people still hold old-fashioned opinions about what men and women’s roles within a partnership or family should be. According to the same Pew research, 71 percent of Americans say it’s “very important” for a man to be “able to support a family financially to be a good husband or partner.” Only 32 percent say the same about women. And 51 percent of Pew survey respondents believe that kids are better off if they have a mother who stays home with them and doesn’t hold a job outside the home—compared to 8 percent who say the same thing about a father.  

Research shows that issues can arise when women out-earn their male partners.

One study found that woman breadwinners were more likely to spend time on household chores than their partners and that these couples were “less satisfied with their marriage and are more likely to divorce.” Another found that heterosexual men’s self-esteem took a hit when their partner was successful at a given task. Another found that working moms were still more involved in childcare than their working partners.

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Essentially, the research indicates that working women who out-earn their male partners are more likely to take on the bulk of the housework and, if they have children, to handle the majority of childcare. Plus, their partners were more likely to struggle from self-esteem issues due to their success. Unsurprisingly, this can cause all sorts of problems.
[pullquote align=”center”]“You think you have it all. Your career is rocking, you’re providing for your family … it’s everything your mother and grandmothers dreamed about for you. Then someone asks, ‘Is your husband okay with your success?’”
—Lisa Earle McLeod[/pullquote]
Lisa Earle McLeod, founder of McLeod & More and author of Selling with Noble Purpose, has been the breadwinner in her family for the past ten years. She says that other people’s questions regarding her family dynamic were extremely frustrating, and notes that no one asked her about her feelings when her husband was the breadwinner for a decade.
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McLeod Speaking at TEDxCentennialParkWomen in 2015 (TEDx Talks/YouTube)

“You think you have it all,” she says. “Your career is rocking, you’re providing for your family, your business is growing, you feel fulfilled, it’s everything your mother and grandmothers dreamed about for you. Then someone asks, ‘Is your husband okay with your success?’”


McLeod says her reaction to this type of question or comment varies. Sometimes it saddens her, and other times she’ll hit back with a sarcastic response. If a man asked her the question, she says she will ask him if his wife is okay with his success. She says that these type of comments can make her and her husband self-conscious, even though he is incredibly supportive of her career.
“This conversation spills over into your marriage,” she says. “We like to think we’re immune to the opinions of others, but we’re not. You find yourself asking, ‘Is it weird for you? Do you feel uncomfortable?’ The worst is when you find yourself minimizing your accomplishments—something men rarely do.”
https://twitter.com/diepthought/status/768167469814919168
Sadly, research shows that couples where the woman is the breadwinner are more likely to divorce. Data collected by the University of Chicago’s Booth Business School found that a woman out-earning her husband “increases the likelihood of divorce by 50 percent.”

Ultimately, every couple should do what works for them and their family.

But if you are a woman breadwinner (or plan to assume that role in the future) and your partner isn’t handling it well, what should you do?
Experts say that frank communication is key.
[pullquote align=”center”]“In my relationship, there have been times that I was the main breadwinner. …By treating everything as ‘ours’ and making plans together, there is never resentment whenever one of us is the bigger breadwinner.”
—Jamie Klingman, real estate broker[/pullquote]
“Create time in your relationship to talk about this dynamic and how you both are feeling about it, says couples’ therapist Heidi McBain. “Have a conversation about what this ‘role reversal’ means to each of you personally as well as professionally, and figure out ways that you can best support each other. Actively listen to what your partner is saying, even if it’s hard to hear at times.”

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Communication and prioritizing each person’s happiness is how Jamie Klingman, a real estate broker, makes things work when she is earning more than her partner. She and her husband have learned to adapt and compromise depending on the other person’s schedule and duties.
“In my relationship, there have been times that I was the main breadwinner. We both prioritize happiness in our careers, and that leads to times where one of us makes more than another,” Klingman says. “We plan for each season and share our financial goals and expenditures. By treating everything as ‘ours’ and making plans together, there is never resentment whenever one of us is the bigger breadwinner.”
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“We also realign duties depending on our workloads,” she says. “I take the bigger share when my schedule isn’t as taxed, and he does when his is less. By regularly evaluating and adjusting and prioritizing each other’s most important ‘musts,’ the rest follows suit.”
McBain says that couples who are struggling to talk things out on their own should think about seeing a therapist together to tackle the issues they are facing. There is nothing shameful about going to therapy—a counselor’s office can be a safe space to share any feelings of frustration, resentment, or sadness. Plus, trained counselors can offer you helpful communication tools and ideas for repairing your relationship if needed.
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“Couples’ counseling is a great resource and safe place to have these conversations if you’ve tried on your own and haven’t gotten anywhere,” she says. “A trained therapist can help you see the dysfunctional patterns in your relationship and help you to create new, healthier ways of interacting with each other.”

Going forward, it seems likely that young people plan on forging their own paths, regardless of traditional gender roles.

Research shows that college students don’t necessarily plan to follow the caregiver–breadwinner model in their families or partnerships. To be clear, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this model—it works for many people and families across the United States and all over the world. 
But women who want to be the breadwinners in their families, or earn the same as their partners, should be just as widely accepted as those who earn less than their partners or are full-time caregivers or homemakers.

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Young people of all genders report that they plan to up-end traditional family frameworks and do what works for them—and we should all be on board with that.  

Categories
Health x Body Wellbeing

Types C and D: Two Unique But Often-Overlooked Personality Types

“Knowing yourself is the first battle won,” says Claudia Luiz, PsyD, a psychoanalyst and author in NYC. Learning how to achieve this, however, can be somewhat of a puzzle. While there’s an unfathomable amount of online tests to pick and choose from, trying to make sense of it all can get, well, overwhelming, to say the least (raise your hand if you’ve ever gone down the Buzzfeed spiral before).
And as someone who’s spent hours poring over their Myers Briggs results, I can say this with unequivocal certainty: Figuring yourself out isn’t for the weak of heart. Yet despite this sea of personality test ambiguity, one thing has remained comfortingly clear: People are generally described as type As or Bs, high strung and competitive vs. laid back, ambitious and overachieving vs. chill.

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But what if I told you that in fact, the alphabet doesn’t end there?
Turns out types C and D were there all along! And since you can never have too much self-awareness, I set out to find some much-needed answers about these less-commonly-discussed personality types. If you’re curious to learn what psychologists have to say about these elusive, lesser-known personality types (as I most certainly was), read on.

What is a type D personality?

We all know type As are considered highly driven and competitive, while Bs tend toward lower stress levels and exude a more laid-back approach to life. Ds, on the other hand, are the ones who experience negative emotions like stress and anxiety but choose to instead ignore their feelings, causing all manner of ills.

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Type D is far from being the new kid on the personality block—the term was first coined in the early ’90s by psychologist Johan Denollet at Tilburg University. The D actually stands for distressed, meaning that similar to type A individuals, Ds are also prone to health conditions like cardiac disease.
“On the one hand, type-D people have the tendency to experience negative emotions, such as anxiety, depression, stress, and so on,” Denollet explained in an interview with Medscape’s heartwire. “At the same time, they also score higher [on tests] measuring social inhibition. Type-D patients are more closed in social interactions and are more unlikely to disclose their personal feelings toward others and tend to feel a bit insecure. This combination makes them more liable to chronic forms of psychological distress.”
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This may be due in part to type D’s propensity for a half-empty mindset. In one 2010 study, Denollet and the other study authors noted that “symptoms of depression/anxiety not only reflect episodic distress but also a more ingrained tendency to experience distress” in those with distressed personalities.

Signs to Look Out For

Find yourself feeling irritable all the time? According to Psychology Today, this could be a sign you have a type D personality. Here are some other questions to ask yourself: Do I keep mostly to myself and tend to hide my feelings from others? Am I often gloomy?

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While all personality types might struggle with these feelings from time to time, type Ds will find these statements to be true more often than not. In the work environment, this looks like someone who becomes more easily stressed and is more prone to experiencing burnout than their peers. At home, it could be a refusal to talk about feelings or becoming easily frustrated by minor irritations.

Wait—what happened to type C?

Considered the anti rule-breakers of the personality alphabet—those with type C personalities are known for their perfectionism. They strive for excellence, often devoting long hours to completing one specific task. While they may seem quiet and thoughtful on the outside, they are actually seething inside.

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“Type C personalities are prone to both stress and depression because they tend to be emotionally repressed, unassertive, and perfectionists,” Reichbach pointed out. That said, he also noted they also have plenty of positive traits, like being thoughtful and dependable.
And though type Cs can be patient and kind, they tend to avoid their negative emotions and have difficulty coping with their problems, which can contribute to its own long-term effects and significant health issues.
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If you see yourself here, take heart. According to Sal Raichbach, PsyD, a licensed psychologist in West Palm Beach, the first step in overcoming these negative traits is by learning more about your personality type.
“You have to be able to recognize a problem before you can address it,” he insists.
Similarly, Luiz believes the biggest mistake people make is trying to change their innate personality. “You can’t always choose your thoughts,” she says. “You can, however, choose the attitude you will exercise toward those thoughts.”

Get to know your struggles.

Experts stress that it’s important to keep researching our personalities further because the more we understand, the more proactive we can be. Part of this means being aware of the difficulties that might arise.

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As Susan Krauss notes in Psychology Today: “Individuals in [the type D group] are likely to be anxious, lonely, and perhaps even traumatized, all of which cause their mental health to suffer.” One 2016 study published in the International Journal of Social Psychiatry found a link between type D and childhood trauma (emotional and physical neglect as well as abuse).
“The evidence is quite clear that personality D is physically harmful,” Raichback adds, “as these personalities are much more likely to have heart issues and the issues are more likely to be fatal—this is true with other diseases as well, where a type D ends up sicker than others.”
While type C hasn’t been directly linked to health issues (despite early claims that it was connected to cancer), difficulties arise for people with type C personalities when presented with health issues. If they get a serious diagnosis, they may be passive, throw their hands up, and say, ‘Well, there’s nothing I can do about it, anyway. If it’s my time, it’s my time,’” clinical psychologist Robin Belamaric told U.S. News & World Report.

I’m pretty sure I fall into one of these categories. Now what?

“We will often hear type A personalities say that they are not really controlling,” affirms Luiz, “and similarly, many type D personalities would prefer to think of themselves as victims of circumstance rather than know their own innate tendency toward negativity.”
When it comes down to it, the difficulty in knowing your tendency toward negativity, anxiety, worry, and pessimism is often in finding it unacceptable and not liking yourself. “Then, you will want to revert back to defending against how your mind tends to work,” Luiz adds. “So the way to surrendering to what you really are is accepting it without judgment.

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“Knowing and then accepting your personality is what makes it possible for you to take care of yourself, nourish, replenish, and exercise compassion towards yourself,” she explains, “which is the path to a good life.”

Treatment Options for Improving Your Health

In terms of health, Denollet, the theory’s originator, spoke with heartwire about possible treatment options for type Ds.
It’s important to get these patients involved in cardiac rehabilitation programs, including exercise training,” he said. “I would also advise doctors to more closely monitor these patients, maybe by getting them into the office for a more regular checkup or even by telephone to see how they’re doing and to pay particular attention to things like quitting smoking.”

Moving Past C and D

Even as we accept our natural tendency toward various personality traits, knowing they aren’t set in stone or hereditary is important. It is possible to shift from one personality type to another. Moreover, experts believe we should continually strive to move past them. “D personalities need new coping skills to bring the stress down and their self-acceptance up,” says Raichbach. “The solution, of course, involves seeking professional help.”

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When it comes to C types, Raichback notes that making even small steps toward changing your temperament—learning to say no and building self-confidence—can go a long way in counteracting the negative traits of a C personality.
He points to a therapeutic technique called “motivational interviewing” as an especially helpful method for finding the internal motivation to change the negative thoughts and lack of expression. This involves collaboration between a therapist and patient, where ideas about change are evoked with emphasis on the person’s autonomy, meaning the patient isn’t told what to do or why they should do it—instead, the therapist “draws out” these motivations and skills for change.
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Another crucial aspect of moving past identification with our types is exercising non-judgment toward ourselves, Luiz asserts. “It’s hard work,” she says, but the ultimate goal is figuring out how to get comfortable in a world that naturally offers up a lot of frustration and suffering (which can easily affect every personality type).
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Non-judgment, acceptance, compassion, and self-protection are the best ways to go, regardless of your type,” Luiz adds. “This is what makes it possible to choose positive outcomes no matter what you think or feel.”

Categories
Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Differences By The Pound: Things That Set American Parents Apart From Their UK Counterparts

Having spent much of her life moving between her birthplace, Britain, and the United States, Lauren Cross has had plenty of opportunities to compare British and American parenting styles.
When she thinks of her childhood and how many British children are parented, the phrase “stiff upper lip” comes to mind. The idiom has been used to describe how British people have a reputation for handling upheaval with an emotionally distant or disconnected attitude.
There is also “Keep Calm and Carry On,” a slogan of sorts that debuted on a poster produced during World War II to boost citizen morale. Although the poster was never widely circulated during the war, other posters embodying the same sentiment were, including one that read “Your Courage, Your Cheerfulness, Your Resolution will Bring Us Victory.”

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“I think that definitely influenced parenting styles,” says Cross. “My parents are very loving—I didn’t want for anything—but they certainly weren’t, from my childhood perspective, merely weren’t … as indulgent as my American peers’ [parents].”
Cross provides an example from her own childhood that she feels embodies slight differences in how British children are parented.
She was spending time with a friend, who was also named Lauren, and they were each working on a drawing. As many children might, Cross asked her friend’s mother which of the two pictures she liked the best.
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“Had it been my mother, she would have just picked her favorite choice,” says Cross. “The other Lauren’s mother kind of looked at me and said in this very saccharine voice, ‘Well, I’m going to have to choose my daughters as my favorite.’”
At the time, Cross felt like it was a simple enough question and didn’t understand why the mother couldn’t just choose the better picture. As a child, she also felt her American friends were disciplined less and had more toys. She even remembers her mom complaining that some of her American friends were spoiled.


What other differences exist between British and American parenting styles, and how have these differences evolved? Carry on reading for more surprising differences between British and American parenting.

Keep calm and carry on.

In addition to parenting with “a stiff upper lip,” there are more subtle differences between British and American families.
Many believe that British children have more freedom. Lynn Adamson raised her children in the UK but visited her mother in New Jersey regularly. She noticed a big difference in how much time children spend outside.
“If you drove around the roads near [my mother’s New Jersey home], you never saw children out, not even on their own land,” she tells HealthyWay. “I rarely saw even older children wandering around the town on their own…and cannot recall ever seeing a child on a cycle.”

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Clara Wiggins, who lives in the UK, agrees that British parents do seem a little more relaxed about independent outdoor play.
“My 10-year-old plays outside on her own, walks to a friend’s house alone—about a five-minute walk from my home and out of my sight—and walks to school alone,” she says. “We tend to not follow our kids around too much at the park, preferring to spend the time chatting with other parents and watching from afar.”
Cross also had an incredible amount of freedom as a child, walking to the corner store as early as 7 years old.
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This more laid-back parenting style may have some generational ties. The three women mentioned above noted that just as American parents have become more cautious about unsupervised, outside play, British parents aren’t as relaxed as they once were.
Another subtle difference is how parents feel about spanking. In 2012, 70 percent of American parents indicated that they believe that “a good, hard spanking” is more than appropriate in some instances, according to research published by Brookings. It is also legal to use corporal punishment in the home in the United States.
Comparatively, the attitude about spanking is much different in the UK.
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“Spanking or smacking is not acceptable at all over here,” says Laura Hall, who is from the UK and authored the recently-published book One Day, So Many Ways. “It’s the occasion when a busybody might call the police on you. We see it as child abuse.”
This is another parenting principle that may have some generational ties, with both American and British parents becoming less supportive of physical punishment in the home. The biggest difference, though, may exist in the legality of spanking.
Whether spanking is legal in the UK is not clearly defined, but there are laws in place. According to The Sun, smacking is illegal unless it is “reasonable punishment,” which seems to leave a lot of room for personal interpretation of the law. In American, on the other hand, the use of corporal punishment is still legal in all 50 states if “administered” in the home. It’s also legal in school settings in 22 American states.
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The being said, British parents definitely don’t consider themselves to be lax about discipline. They may not be as likely to employ spanking, but most aim to create clear boundaries for the kids. One common household disciplinary technique is “the naughty step,” according to Hall. Popularized by The Supernanny, it’s a designated place in the home (like a step on the stairs) where children are put in timeout if they are disobedient.

Is parenting in Britain easier?

When we focus on parenting differences, either from family to family or culture to culture, it is easy to zero in on the choices parents make. What is more helpful, perhaps, is taking a larger look at the systems that exist to support parents and how differences in these systems affect the family dynamic.

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When we look at the United States and the UK, the differences parents face begin from the moment they become pregnant, starting with access to healthcare. In the UK, the National Health Service provides free healthcare to all UK that is funded through taxes. In the United States, however, only a limited group of individuals qualify for subsidized or free healthcare through Medicaid and Medicare.
Once a child is born, mothers have vastly different maternity leave experiences.
“Currently, the law is that statutory maternity leave can be taken for up to 52 weeks,” explains Adamson about policy in the UK. “After the first 26 weeks, the father of the child (or the mother’s partner) has the right to take up to 26 weeks’ leave if their partner returns to work, in effect taking the place of the mother at home.”
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In the United States, companies are only required by law to provide 12 weeks of leave under FMLA to new mothers. Mothers in Britain also receive some amount of wages during the maternity for up to 39 weeks, while paid maternity leave is not regulated in the United States and is offered by a very small number of companies.

Differences in Education

There are also notable differences between how children are educated in the UK versus how we approach education in the United States. While the laws vary from state to state, many states do not require full-time education for children until they reach the age of 7. Of course, many children living in the United States are in school long before then, but if parents in the United States wish to delay their child’s education, they can.
In Britain, however, the law requires all children to be in a full-time educational program by the age of 5.

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It is also worth noting that parents in the UK have access to free education earlier than parents in the U.S. In the United States, school districts aren’t required to provide free education to children until they reach the age of 5. In the UK, however, from the age of three, parents can take advantage of 570 hours of free nursery school each year, which averages out to about 15 hours a week.
Additionally, for UK households where both parents work full-time, there is an option to apply for another 15 hours a week of free nursery school. For full-time working parents, it’s easy to see how these could greatly subsidize the cost of putting one or more children in care.
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Once children are enrolled in school, how do their educational experiences differ? Children in the United States spend far more time in school, with their time in the classroom totaling over 1,000 hours a year on average according to data from the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development presented by HelpMeInvestigate.com. English students, by comparison, have shorter school days. Elementary school students there typically spend fewer than 700 hours in the classroom annually according to the same resource.


What does this mean for parents? Well, on the one hand, more time in school might make for kids who are burnt out and cranky at the end of the day, making extracurricular activities, dinner, baths, and bedtime that much more challenging. Less time in school, however, may mean working parents need to arrange (and pay for) more alternative care on weekdays before and after school.

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Another stark difference between UK and U.S. education systems has to do what children wearing to school. In the UK, 90 percent of school-aged children are required to wear a uniform to school, according to The Guardian. In the United States, children enrolled in public school typically do not wear uniforms. For U.S. parents, this can mean more stressful shopping and outfit-negotiating experiences that aren’t as common on school days in the UK.

Finding Common Ground

Although many differences do exist between British and American parents, we also share a lot of similarities. In both countries, modern parents are dealing with a lot of the same struggles pertaining to monitoring screen time, controlling over-indulgence, and addressing childhood diabetes, according to Hall.
And further, parents in both countries are working to make the best decisions for their children and their families, whether that means finding more time for activities as a family or learning to handle the busyness of being a two-working-parent household.

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In Season Lifestyle

The Complete Guide To Safely Trick-Or-Treating On Halloween

For kids, Halloween is an exciting time. According to one source, about 36.1 million children go trick-or-treating every year—and that’s in the United States alone. It’s our favorite holiday of the year, outside of National Meow Like a Pirate Day, and we certainly don’t want to scare anyone away from the seasonal activities.
However, if you’re a parent, your experience with Halloween likely involves a lot of worrying.  While 93 percent of households consider their neighborhoods to be safe (link opens a PDF), it’s hard to shake the feeling that the holiday is at least slightly dangerous (particularly when you see hundreds of zombies and ghouls roaming your streets).

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The good news is that with proper planning, trick-or-treating is a perfectly safe and fun activity. It’s a good way to get exercise, make memories, and most importantly, get massive amounts of candy from your unsuspecting neighbors.
Here are a few tips for a happy and healthy Halloween, along with a few (hopefully) helpful product suggestions to help you plan for the season.

1. Make sure that your children go out wearing reflective gear.

We’d love to tell you that every driver exercises a little extra caution on Halloween night, but unfortunately, that’s not the case. According to the National Safety Council, children are more than twice as likely to be fatally struck by a vehicle on Halloween than on any other day of the year.
It’s not too difficult to determine why that’s the case: On Halloween, hundreds of kids walk the streets in the dusk, and drivers have a harder time seeing in low-light conditions. Before your kids head out—hopefully with an adult or an older teenager in tow—teach them to make contact with drivers before crossing the road.


Make sure that they’re not hitting the streets glued to their phones or other electronic devices, which cause an unnecessary distraction (while also limiting them from getting the true Halloween experience, in our opinion).  Remind them that every car is a potential threat, even if it’s parked; many injuries occur when kids dart between parked cars right as drivers are starting to move.
And while this might be somewhat obvious, reflective materials are absolutely essential, even if your kids won’t be trick-or-treating in complete darkness. One study found that reflective materials are most effective when applied to pedestrians’ joints, as opposed to their torsos, but really, the more reflectivity you can build into a costume, the better.

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Your kids probably won’t want to wear reflective vests, but fortunately, that’s not necessary. You can get a cheap roll of reflective tape (Gear Aid’s reflective tape, available here on Amazon, is our choice), apply a few strips, and improve the safety of just about any article of clothing.
You might even find ways to use the tape as part of the costume—easy enough if your kid’s going as the Tin Man, slightly more difficult if they’re going as a ghost.

2. Try to incorporate lighter colors into your kid’s costumes.

We know, we know—Halloween’s all about scary stuff, and nobody wants to be a bright-yellow zombie. However, if you can push your kids toward brighter, lighter costumes, you’ll make them significantly more visible on dark streets, limiting their chances of an accident. Choose bright materials and accessories. Even something like a simple LED light bracelet can improve safety dramatically.

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If that’s not ideal, you can look for other ways to bring a little light to your child’s trick-or-treating gear. A glow-in-the-dark candy bucket (here’s a great one with a removable LED) is a great example; they allow you to easily identify your child from a distance, and kids will love the spooky glow. What’s the downside, other than all that extra room for sugar?
Make sure to test the product in question before the big day. Some “reflective” items don’t really reflect that much light, so a quick test run will allow you to accurately gauge the product’s effectiveness (while giving your kid an excuse to put on their costume).


To perform a simple test, have your kid stand in a dark room and shine a decent flashlight past them. You’ll be surprised at how high-quality reflective materials can catch your eye—and you’ll have some additional peace of mind when Halloween rolls around.

3. Keep your trick-or-treater’s eyes clear.

We realize that this may take some of the fun out of Halloween, but masks impede your child’s vision, making an accidental trip much more likely. While older kids can safely wear masks, younger kids should avoid them.
The good news is that you really don’t need masks. Face paint is more fun, and it’s often less expensive. This kit off Amazon uses lab-tested, paraben-free ingredients, and it’s gentle on sensitive skin.

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Even so, you should always test costume makeup in a small area before applying it to sensitive skin. If you notice any signs of irritation, move to your backup plan. Remember, some products can become more irritating over time, so make sure to remove all makeup and body paint before your child goes to sleep.
If that sounds like a ton of work, you can always choose a costume that leaves your kid’s face exposed; we’ve got rundowns of some excellent options for kids 6 to 12 here, along with a list of toddler costumes here.
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If you do decide to use a mask, make sure that your child can see, particularly when it comes to their peripheral vision. Make sure that the mask fits your child’s face, and remind them that it’s okay to flip the mask up while walking (not running) from house to house.
Don’t be afraid to cut the eye holes a bit wider if necessary. While it might feel like you’re ruining the costume, you might actually be saving Halloween.

4. Watch out for costumes with pointy accessories, even if they seem fairly blunt.

“There are sharp objects in particular in pirate costumes or swords for Star Wars costumes,” Marie Crandall, MD, told News 4 regarding dangerous costume components. “Another big risk is eye injuries, and you don’t want to wear an eye patch after Halloween.”
For that matter, you don’t really want to wear an eye patch during Halloween, since it can seriously inhibit depth perception, but we get her point: Sharp accessories are a serious no-no, even if they make a costume look more authentic.

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For what it’s worth, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommend that costume accessories “should be short, soft, and flexible.” Foam products certainly fit into that description; plastics, not so much.
Foam swords like these are a great and inexpensive option. You could also allow your kid to bring out the accessories for the pre-trick-or-treating photos, but leave them at home when they actually hit the streets.

5. Get high-quality flashlights capable of lighting the ground immediately in front of your child.

Unfortunately, glow sticks don’t provide enough light to walk safely from house to house, so while all of your neighbors’ kids might use them, you’ll want something more effective.
Every trick-or-treater should have a working flashlight to avoid accidental trips and falls. You certainly don’t want to spend Halloween night nursing skinned knees and comforting crying toddlers—not when you could spend that time sneaking bites of their candy stash.

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Avoid the cheap Halloween-themed flashlights you find at big-box stores unless the packaging shows an actual light rating. Anything less than 35–60 lumens probably won’t light the way too effectively once you’re actually outdoors (although your mileage will vary, depending on the amount of natural light and other factors). Look for a flashlight with multiple light settings and a fairly wide lumen range, and you’ll be in good shape. We recommend the Outlight A100, a high-quality flashlight with a water-resistant design and a budget-friendly price tag.
With that said, any camping flashlight should do the job nicely. Just be sure to check your batteries before you leave the house—and if you’re trick-or-treating with multiple kids, make sure that they’ve each got their own light source.

6. Choose safe, protective shoes.

Costume shoes usually don’t work for safe trick-or-treating, especially past dusk. They’re often too thin to properly protect your kids’ feet, and because sizing ranges greatly from one manufacturer to the next, they can cause blisters—not what you’d want at the end of a long night with a tired toddler.  
Really, any high-quality shoes will work, provided that they aren’t heels. Shinmax offers an affordable set of LED shoes with rechargeable lights, which will bring some much-needed illumination to Halloween night. You can get them on Amazon here, but be aware that the sizing runs a little large.

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If you’ve already got some decent shoes—and believe us, we understand the importance of keeping a kid’s footwear budget under control—consider upgrading with some LED safety lights (here’s a cheap pair for under $20). They’re not totally necessary if you’ve already picked up reflective tape and a decent flashlight, but they’ll make the holiday a bit safer, and kids love them.
What Halloween-loving kid wouldn’t want glowing shoes? Heck, we’re adults, and we kind of want a pair for ourselves.

7. Don’t forget to keep your home’s walkways lit.

Kids will be walking up your pathway all night (well, if you’re lucky, anyway), so stop them from stumbling by planting a few solar lights.
While there’s no shortage of Halloween-themed pathway lights, most are cheaply made and nearly useless at night. We prefer the look of Voona solar lights, which use AA Ni-MH batteries to store a powerful charge.

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They’re slightly expensive, but they are well worth the investment as they’re one of the few items on this list that doesn’t immediately lose its value on the first day of November.
Alternately, you could pick up a smart light kit, which opens up plenty of fun possibilities on Halloween; keep them bright while your trick-or-treating victims—er, guests—walk to your house, then turn them bright red before you swing open the door.  
https://twitter.com/JoanESheehan/status/1046914758014849024
While you’re at it, consider putting up a few temporary signs warning drivers to take it slow. We’re big fans of this orange pop-up safety cone, which is portable, lightweight, and ideal for this type of application. Granted, some teenagers might snatch it, but the risk is worth it considering you’ll improve your neighborhood’s safety during trick-or-treating.

8. By all means, check candy, but realize that it’s probably not a major issue.

Check your kids’ candy, looking for any pieces that appear re-wrapped. Tell your kids to refuse homemade treats unless they’re from trusted neighbors or family members, and set a few ground rules regarding the amount of candy they’re allowed to eat at once.
Those are some pretty common-sense steps, but we should note that Halloween poisonings don’t really happen except in extremely isolated cases. Snopes.com, which investigates urban legends, says there are no documented cases in which intentionally poisoned candy was handed out randomly to trick-or-treaters—not one, not ever.

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Of course, that doesn’t mean that Halloween candy is healthy. If you’re trying to rid your household of sugar (or if you’re simply looking to limit the amount of sweets your neighborhood hands out), consider giving kids toys, temporary tattoos, and stickers instead.  Novelty assortment packs are pretty cheap, and they can give you some peace of mind—at least until the older kids start TP-ing your house.  
One more note regarding candy safety: Some objects (we’re looking at you, spider rings) can be serious choking hazards for younger children. While you’re skimming through their treat bags (and taking your share of the dreaded Parental Candy Tax), be sure to separate those items from the rest of the stash.

9. If your kids are heading out alone, you’ll need to take some extra precautions.

Should you let your 10-year-old head out onto the streets alone? That’s a difficult question, and the answer varies from parent to parent. Some experts believe that solo trick-or-treating is an important part of childhood.
“When you say it’s all too dangerous because your children don’t know how to cross the street, and all your neighbors are awful … then you are giving up on your neighborhood and your child,” notes Lenore Skenazy, the author of the controversial book Free-Range Kids.
If you’re considering the question, you probably know what’s right for your family. Ideally, your kid won’t be truly “alone,” but heading out with friends, so a logical first step is to make sure that all of their parents are aware of the situation.

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Next, talk over acceptable trick-or-treat routes and set ground rules for talking with strangers. Make sure that your child knows what to do if they get lost, and make sure they’ve got a way to contact you if necessary. If they’re old enough to head out alone, they’re old enough to hold onto a phone—at least for one night, anyway.
Tell them to only visit well-lit houses, and to never enter anyone’s house for candy (unless it’s a well-known, trusted friend—we’d even recommend giving them a specific list of houses that meet those criteria). Many homes set out candles and other luminaries during Halloween; tell kids to avoid standing near these, especially if they’re wearing flammable materials.

10. Finally, make sure to keep your other Halloween activities as safe as possible.

If you’re carving jack-o-lanterns, allow your kids to help during the planning stages, but don’t let younger kids anywhere near your carving tools. That’s just asking for trouble.
“The most common accidents associated with pumpkin carving are stab wounds to the fingers and palm,” Stuart J. Elkowitz, MD, assistant clinical professor at NYU Langone Medical Center in the division of hand surgery, tells Consumer Reports.
Sure, that’s obvious, but doesn’t it sound much more official when an actual doctor says it?

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Older kids can help out, but to stay safe, consider investing in some cut-resistant gloves. Wislife offers an affordable (and highly reviewed) pair that meets EN388 cutting resistance standards; get them here.
Note that these gloves don’t protect in all circumstances, so you’ll still want to guide your kids through their first pumpkin carvings. This is a good opportunity to teach the basics of knife safety, too, by the way: Always cut away from yourself, don’t apply unnecessary pressure, and keep your knives clean and sharp.
While we’re on the subject, specialized pumpkin carving kits can make the process much safer (and improve the quality of the finished product). This kit, for example, includes two saws, a poker, and a scoop, and the saws’ serrated edges will provide much more precise cuts than a standard kitchen knife.
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You can even find professional-level pumpkin carving kits, which come with a variety of high-quality saws. Sure, it might be overkill, but high-quality kits will last for years, while the cheaper options are only good for one or two gourds.
Ultimately, Halloween doesn’t have to be a frightening time for parents (well, not frightening in a bad way, anyways). Use common sense, communicate with your kids, and make sure you’re prepared. When All Hallow’s Eve rolls around, you’ll be able to relax with a nice glass of apple cider while the kids enjoy the holiday.

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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Gaming The System: Do You Know What Your Kids Are Playing?

According to a recent study by childcare.co.uk, more than half of parents allow their children to play video games intended for adults 18 years of age or older, while nearly 90 percent of those surveyed reported that they don’t follow the suggested age limits posted on video game packaging.
These results should not necessarily come as a surprise considering the sheer volume of games sold in recent years; 2013’s Grand Theft Auto V, for example, sold some 95 million copies and has earned about $6 billion, making it one of the top-selling games of all time and one of the highest-grossing entertainment products.

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However, the aforementioned study and others like it still raise important points, not only about exposure to adult video games, but also about the safeguards taken to protect vulnerable children online in general.
In an increasingly digital age where YouTube, Netflix, and their ilk are more accessible—and kids are more attached to their devices—than ever, it’s important to know how (and to whom) adult content is marketed, as well as the long-term effect it might have on the millions of young kids who watch, listen to, and play it.

How much do video game guidelines matter?

Lisa Sarafidis’ two sons, ages 7 and 11, play popular video games like Minecraft and Fortnite, sports video games such as Madden, and one of the top-selling video game franchises: Call of Duty.

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“When my older son was younger, I did monitor their content and have a lot of rules. But then he started playing with older neighbor children, and it was easier to keep him occupied that way,” said Sarafidis, who lives in Bethesda, Maryland. “With my 7-year-old, I let them play games rated T for Teen, but I say no games that are rated M for Mature.”
[pullquote align=”center”]“Age guidelines are a good starting place. There’s no reason not to follow the suggestions, but there’s no substitute for a parent’s own judgment.”
—Scot Osterweil, creative director of the Education Arcade, on children’s media consumption[/pullquote]
A study from Iowa State University found that video game ratings can work if parents use them. According to the study, nearly every video game sold or downloaded came with an age-appropriate guideline rating. The study found that the guidelines are effective when parents use the recommendations to choose games that are best-suited for the age of their child.

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Scot Osterweil, creative director of the Education Arcade and a research director in the Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s Comparative Media Studies/Writing Program, says that video game ratings are a good barometer for parents to follow if they are unsure about the appropriateness of the game at hand. Osterweil is an advocate for letting children explore their imaginative playtime—including time spent playing video games.
“Age guidelines are a good starting place. There’s no reason not to follow the suggestions,” he says. “But there’s no substitute for a parent’s own judgment.” He advises parents to start with those ratings, but stay involved to find out whether or not they agree with them.
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Continuing the conversation and keeping the lines of communication open when it comes to content and kids is key, according to Osterweil.

Should you be worried about violent video games?

Staying engaged in the content kids consume is necessary, but Osterweil recommends doing so at a distance. The types of video games kids are playing isn’t as big of a deal as you might think, either.

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“Generally speaking, parents should be involved with their kids’ lives. Although, I don’t believe in parents micromanaging their kids’ play lives,” he says. “Play—including video games—is a way in which kids explore the world and they need to be free to follow their own impulses and imaginations so that they can fail and come up with their own general outlook on the world.”
According to a study conducted by researchers at the University of York in the United Kingdom, there is no link between violent video games and a child’s behavior. Osterweil is quick to point out that play has always been somewhat violent even in the absence of video games—think childhood fantasies of slaying dragons or killing monsters.
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“In adult literature, we regard tragedy as one of the highest forms of literature, and a lot of tragedy is quite violent,” he says. “Violence in literature has always been a way of struggling with human conflict and video games are, in that sense, no different from the films and literature that have come before them.”

Stay engaged—with all types of content consumed by kids.

In Ramsey Hootman’s household, video games reign supreme. Hootman’s husband is a senior software engineer in the video game industry, and her family even subscribes to Gamefly. Gamefly is a subscription-based video game rental service that allows users to try out different video games without paying full price. It’s similar to Netflix’s DVD subscription service.

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Her children, ages 5 and 8, like to wake up early and play video games such as Minecraft, Yokai Watch, Mario Maker, Yoshi’s Woolly World, and Splatoon.
“If they’re quiet, they’re allowed to play for about an hour in the morning when they get up while my husband and I shower and get breakfast ready during the week,” she says. “Weekends are ‘free’ screen time, but the kids are expected to prioritize family time and activities.”
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According to the U.S. National Library of Medicine, most children in the U.S. spend an average of five to seven hours a day watching TV, using tablets, playing videos games, and other types of screen time. Researchers note that too much screen time can make it hard for your child to sleep at night and increase chances of obesity, as well as put them at risk for attention problems, anxiety, and depression.
Experts recommend limiting screen time to one to two hours a day for children over the age of 2—and no screen time for children under the age of 2.
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“They may get more screen time during the week, but it’s at my discretion and they are often required to earn it somehow,” says Hootman.
In Hootman’s opinion, video games can be used as a motivation tool to teach her children anything—from potty-training to reading.
“I literally potty-trained my older son when he was 2 because I let him play Angry Birds whenever he was sitting on the toilet,” says Hootman, who also grants screen time in exchange for reading lessons. The trade-off was worth it for her children. She says they both started kindergarten already knowing how to read. Although Hootman uses video games as a negotiating tool, she does monitor the types of content her kids are viewing on a regular basis—at least when they’re at home.
[pullquote align=”center”]“I’m trying to parent children who will one day become adults capable of making good choices, and the only way I can do that is allow them safe opportunities to make their own choices, fail, and learn from those failures.”
—Ramsey Hootman, mother of two[/pullquote]
When it comes to TV versus video games, Sarafidis also feels there are positive effects from video games. She would much rather her sons play video games than veg out in front of the tube. She doesn’t feel that video games lead to violence in at all—except for maybe the occasional grumblings over who gets the video controller, she jokes.
“Video games are more engaging than just staring at a television,” says Sarafidis, who encourages setting time limits if video games become a problem for a child. “I try and make sure that my kids are also active outside, but I think video games can be a good way for them to relax and hang out with friends.”

Should you monitor content on playdates?

Sarafidis and Hootman do not monitor content when their kids are over at a friend’s house.
“I view my kids’ time away from me as their opportunity to experiment and exercise the values I have taught them or choose not to,” says Hootman. “I’m trying to parent children who will one day become adults capable of making good choices, and the only way I can do that is allow them safe opportunities to make their own choices, fail, and learn from those failures.”

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Hootman puts her full trust in her children when they are at a friend’s house when it comes to content.
“It’s up to them whether they want to join in or not,” she says. “They are very aware that other people have other rules and standards, and they know they can always come to me to discuss anything they don’t understand.”
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That’s not to say that Hootman isn’t an advocate for monitoring content. She and her husband have established several rules in their home when it comes to playing video games.
“We do not allow them to play anything that allows them to connect with strangers on the internet,” says Hootman, referring to in-game text chats and audio communication.
[pullquote align=”center”]“The challenge for all parents is to always acknowledge that by the time their kids are 14 or 15, they are on the path to adulthood and we can’t exercise the same control we did when they were 5 or 6.”
—Scot Osterweil, creative director of the Education Arcade[/pullquote]
Recently, Hootman began allowing her 8-year-old son to play “limited contact” in multiplayer mode. For the most part, her children make it easy on her.
“We don’t have to monitor content much since our kids are really only interested in kid-oriented stuff anyway,” she says. “But at this point, we don’t let them play or watch anything with realistic people killing or maiming other people.”
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Osterweil feels it’s important to allow children the freedom to make their own decisions outside of the home based on the guidance they have received from their parents, saying it’s a crucial step to preparing a child for adulthood.
“The challenge for all parents is to always acknowledge that by the time their kids are 14 or 15, they are on the path to adulthood and we can’t exercise the same control we did when they were 5 or 6,” says Osterweil, who has grown children of his own. “The only way they are going to become healthy, functioning adults is by learning from the choices they make. Authority tends to be better exercised through conversation and reason than fiat and censorship.”

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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Books, Advice, Or Just Wing It? Responsibly Parenting In A Culture Obsessed With Perfection

I read surprisingly few parenting books during my first pregnancy. There was something in me that felt like I was probably going to be okay. I believed that since my mom had done a pretty job raising four kids, I had a pretty good idea of what I was supposed to do.

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Randomly, near the end of my pregnancy, a friend of mine suggested that I give a book on baby sleep a try. She swore it changed everything for her, and her suggesting the book brought up doubts that I might not actually know what I was doing. I didn’t really have much of a plan for getting my kids to sleep each night, so maybe I should give it a shot.
I read a chapter or two before giving birth and then devoured the rest over the course of a day while nursing my newborn around the clock. This books made some pretty attractive promises centered around me getting the sleep I was desperate for a few days into motherhood.
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The book, Babywise, is a pretty controversial book in the parenting world. It suggests rigorous sleep training techniques that you typically love or hate. I’m not here to stir up a fight on sleep training, so I’ll leave it at this: I knew in my gut that this book wasn’t a fit for my family. Nonetheless, I powered through the methods for two nights before my husband finally suggested we call it quits.
This was my first of many experiences feeling like the parenting advice I was reading or hearing was asking me to question [linkbuilder id=”6870″ text=”parenting practices”] that came naturally to me. It’s not that I’m some amazing parenting expert, I’m just a regular mom. The longer I am a parent and exposed to “parenting culture,” the more it feels like parents are obsessed with being perfect and that the advice given follows suit.
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Like Oliver Burkeman, writer for The Guardian, I take issue with the extremes presented by so many parenting books. On top of that, I simply didn’t get how any one method could work for all children or all parents. Parenting three kids has taught me this couldn’t possibly be true.

Who knows how to parent?

Parenting books can provide confidence for nervous or anxious parents. I know, because I have turned to them during seasons of struggle. When we turn to parenting books, we’re typically looking for advice on how to parent well. Maybe a book was forced on us by a friend or perhaps we sought out a book because we had a specific fear or concern about being a mom or dad.

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Whatever our reasons, we want answers from someone who knows their stuff, right? Unfortunately, we might be too trusting of who claims to be a parenting expert, turning to books based on their position on the bestseller list instead of their authors’ credentials.
Authors of parenting books should be experts in a child development, which means they should probably be trained a child psychologist, child psychiatrist, or have some kind of postgraduate education specifically focused on child development, according to Owen Muir, MD, child psychiatrist and medical director at Brooklyn Minds, a concierge mental health treatment center in Brooklyn.
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“If you can find a single parenting book written by a child psychiatrist, you’re doing pretty well,” Muir says. Specifically, he notes that even pediatricians, who are experts in the medical side of childcare like screening for conditions or administering vaccines, aren’t great sources of “expert” parenting advice simply because they don’t have postgraduate education in child development.
“In child psychiatry training, you actually spend time in nurseries,” he says in providing a comparison. “A lot of the parenting advice comes from people who … don’t really have expertise how young people develop their ability to talk about thoughts and feelings or their ability to learn.”
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Unfortunately, many psychologists or psychiatrists with specialized training in child development don’t step in and write a book until something is wrong, meaning they focus in on helping parents with exceptional circumstances such as caring for a child with special needs, mental health problems, or trauma in their past, according to Muir. This leaves parents with raising typically developing children in a typical environment with a smaller library of well-written books at their disposal.

The Problem with Extremes

Outside of carefully checking the credentials of the authors of any parenting advice books you read, it’s also important to take the content into consideration. The author being an expert doesn’t automatically qualify a book as a good fit for your family. Parenting books, and self-help books in general, tend to use extremes to get their point across and get their books sold.

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“When you’re trying to win at having the book that’s bought by the most people, you’re often trying to catch the most eyes, and sometimes that results in advice that’s flashy but there’s not a lot of substance there,” says Shane Gregory Owens, PhD, a psychologist who works with parents and young adults.
The problem with extremes in general is that they’re actually not a great way to parent or to raise well-adjusted kids. When parents are extreme, kids learn to be extreme, too, according to Muir. Take attachment parenting, which Burkemen mentions in his article and Muir brings up as an example of extreme parenting practices.
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According to the organization’s website, attachment parenting is based on the idea that parents and children can build healthy bonds through very specific parenting practices. At face value, that sounds pretty mild. When you dig deeper into the values, there are specific principles promoting co-sleeping, breastfeeding with very little flexibility or structure, and discouraging allowing the baby to cry at any point.
In Muir’s mind, parenting practices that avoid parent-child separation to such an extreme degree actually contradict what secure attachment is about—a child’s ability to feel secure in a world that isn’t always predictable and where their wants and needs aren’t constantly the main focus.
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“You want children who are flexible, who can handle challenges, who can handle new experiences, and who can meet new people in their life and engage with them healthfully and not full of terror,” he says.

Lead with what you know; ask questions about the rest.

So, should parents avoid parenting advice books altogether? Hardly. Instead, parents should be careful about why they seek out parenting books, how they read them and apply the advice, and what they use that advice to accomplish.

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According to Owens, for most parents, parenting well can begin from a place of starting with what you know and filling in the rest.
“You were brought up by your parents, and if you were brought up successfully, you already have a set of tools that you can bring to things,” he says. Then, as you run into things you don’t feel certain about or that you have questions about, move on to asking for advice from people within your circle. Turn to family or friends before turning to books.
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At this point, if you still have unanswered questions, parenting books are great for filling in the gaps. As you start looking for books and experts, keep a few things in mind.
Firstly, remember there is no one answer for parenting well.
“Audition many books, stay away from the notion that any book has the right answers in it,” says Owens. “There few absolutes when it comes to parenting. There are few things that absolutely are right and few things that are absolutely wrong.”
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Follow the advice in these books with the understanding that following any set of advice at all times isn’t realistic. Overly prescriptive parenting books, books full of lists of shoulds and shouldn’ts, set unrealistic expectations for parents, according to Owens.
Additionally, trust your knowledge of your child and your ability to respond to their needs. Parenting books can be helpful, but they can also overcomplicate what we already know about kids—they respond well to positive attention and positive feedback. For most parents, according to Muir, this means doing the things that already come naturally to us like responding with empathy to their emotions.
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“If it sounds outlandish or counterintuitive, it probably is,” says Muir. “None of this is particularly rocket science: Pay attention to your kids. If they’re sad, recognize that.”
Lastly, and maybe most importantly, remember that children do not need perfect parents. You’re probably already a good enough parent. Researchers point this out in an article for Disease in Childhood, writing that the vast majority of parents are doing a satisfactory job while prescribing more intensive intervention for the minority of parents who are truly struggling.
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In fact, most kids respond pretty darn well to parents who are just doing okay. Parents who are not on point 100 percent of the time, who do not always understand exactly what their child needs, actually teach their children really important lessons for emotional development. They learn flexibility and they learn to consider the possibility of misunderstandings, according to Muir.
Catherine Pearlman, PhD, licensed social worker and author of Ignore It!: How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavior Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction is a big proponent of good enough parenting and shares in an essay for for Brightly that imperfect parenting also builds independence in children, teaching them to be resourceful as they deal with disappointments in life.
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For me, and for parents everywhere, this is permission to feel confident in our abilities and confident in our children, believing that we have the skills to meet their needs and they have the ability to adapt, even when we miss the mark.