Author: Brooke Geller

The Facekini, Neck Rings, And The Yaeba Procedure: Looking At Beauty Standards Around The World

Post author By Brooke Geller
Post date March 22, 2018

Anyone with even the slightest knowledge of skincare knows that sun protection is the key to beautiful skin. While the rest of us endlessly research for the perfect high SPF sunscreen, some people are utilizing some more creative tactics. Enter the facekini.
Essentially the swimsuit’s equivalent to the balaclava, the facekini has caught on at beaches in China, much to the amusement of the Western world. Whether it be a floral-patterned head covering or a full-body suit, they’re a far cry from most American beachgoers’ attires. Stateside sun lovers would much rather forgo perfect porcelain skin in exchange for a visage that’s sun-kissed in their youth and potentially sun-ravaged as they get older.

Introducing the facekini! pic.twitter.com/NdK2wAiqiG

— Living in Asia Ironically (@LIAImemes) March 16, 2018

These ensembles are not only a reminder of how far some people will go for their appearance, but how differently each culture interprets beauty.
Christopher Santo Domingo Chan is a PhD candidate in the Department of Anthropology at the University of Washington. He also helps create Cut’s “100 Years of Beauty” videos.

“My teaching interests involve the anthropology of pop culture,” he says, “getting students to think about their favorite TV shows, their Insta feeds, and their beauty tutorials as all embedded in a political and visual economy, and that pop culture hides the political in plain sight.”
Early anthropologists collected artifacts and symbols of a different world for their museums and collections, Chan notes. He says that these items, particularly those that reflected the fashion and aesthetics of non-Western cultures, shaped the idea of what it meant to be a part of Western society—they learned what they were by defining what they were not. This trend continues today—by looking at beauty in other cultures, we can further understand what we consider beautiful, too.

Chan argues that there’s no one thing that connects every culture, though we still search for “universal master narratives to describe something like beauty.”

“…we have relied on particular scientific strategies to calculate our perception of beauty—using big data, optical tracking, facial measurements, and the like,” he says. “But ultimately, beauty is always in withdrawal—when we think we know definitively what beauty is, we are inevitably surprised by its emergence elsewhere.”
Yes, we’ve all seen those Photoshop experiments where retouchers all over the world are asked to reveal their idea of beauty. Unfortunately, the only lesson that could be gleaned from that was why you should never hire the cheapest retoucher you can find. Want to see some real examples of beauty around the world? Check out these unconventional practices.

Arm Covers—South Korea

South Korea is famous for its skincare obsession. Much like the facekini enthusiasts of China, they’re well aware of how damaging the sun is. The solution? A stocking-like sleeve that rolls over the arm to protect it from the sun.

While they are reminiscent of those cringe-worthy fake tattoo sleeves you’d find in a carnival showbag, these accessories are actually super effective at deflecting UV and, in some cases, keeping the arms cool. They’re particularly favored by athletes and truck drivers.
For those of us who aren’t South Korean, the look might be a little hard to warm up to. But guess who’s going to have discolored, wrinkled arms covered in moles in a couple of decades? Not South Korean truck drivers!

Skin Lightening—Asia

Quite possibly the most controversial beauty product in existence, skin lightening cream is something that never fails to stir up debate in countries where it isn’t all that common. Companies like Dove and Nivea have been accused of peddling a pro-white skin agenda to countries where darker complexions are the norm.

It goes without saying that this is an incredibly problematic message. However, there are some forms of skin creams don’t lighten the skin so much as brighten it. The aim is to create a more even glow to the skin. Of course, this is dependent on the ingredients in the product. Some of them really are straight up bleaching the skin.

Neck Rings—Myanmar

The Kayan women of Myanmar know all too well the mantra of “beauty is pain.” They enclose their necks in shiny golden coils from childhood, gradually adding more to push down the collarbones. This creates the illusion of a neck much longer than natural.

It’s a painful process and one that’s still practiced to this day. It’s not quite as common as it once was, but some Kayan women still hold on to this ancient beauty custom.

Leblouh—Mauritania

In a country as poor as Mauritiania, a fuller figure is a much-coveted sign of health and beauty. Unfortunately, this is taken to the extreme with leblouh. Young girls are taken and force fed a calorie-dense diet at “fattening farms” in order to bulk up. As they rapidly gain weight, they become more attractive in the eyes of a potential future husband.

Far from a marker of body positivity, it’s a dangerous return to old tradition following a military coup in the West African country.

Plastic Surgery—The World

Plastic surgery isn’t unique to one culture, but its popularity certainly varies from culture to culture. For example, Brazil—a country already obsessed with attaining and maintaining perfectly round behinds—also happens to be the birthplace of the Brazillian Butt Lift. Also known as a buttock augmentation or lift, it’s a way to achieve a Kim K booty without all that gym work.

South Korea is the plastic surgery capital of the world, so it’s no surprise that going under the knife is a fairly normal thing for those who can afford it. In fact, one K-pop group, Six Bomb, celebrated their surgical makeovers in a music video where they debuted their new faces. Plastic surgery clauses have long been rumored to be part of the K-pop industry’s infamous “slave contracts”.

Yaeba—Japan

Plenty of us have had to endure those awkward braces years as teenagers, or perhaps forked out a lot of money (and endured a lot of pain) to fix crooked teeth as an adult. But in Japan, one trend has seen people going to the dentist to correct their overly-straight teeth.

The Yaeba procedure involves creating snaggleteeth with the front canines that some people find cute. Granted, the procedure involves plastic fronts rather than a permanent de-straightening.

Stretched Piercings—Various African and Asian Countries

Though popular in Western culture today, many cultures have practiced stretching for generations. For example, the Dayak women of borneo use weights to stretch their lobes. The Apatani tribe of India even stretch their nostrils.

Some remote African villages, such as the Mursi in Ethiopia, wear lip plates as a sign of beauty. Other African peoples, such as the Nuba, wear a plug in their stretched labret piercing just below the lip. T

Circle Lenses—Asia

Particularly popular in Japan, circle lenses create the illusion of big, cartoon-like eyes, much like an anime character.

YouTuber Taylor R made a video about her damaging circle lens addiction. She would apparently wear the lenses for so long that her dry eyes would be unable to “breathe” and now suffers from vision problems.

Shockingly Familiar

These international beauty trends may be considered shocking to us, but our own concept of beauty has its own uncomfortable history.
Women once wore tightly-laced corsets that were as important as any other piece of underwear. Lead and arsenic makeup was toxic enough to be lethal. Some even dropped deadly nightshade into their eyes to dilate their pupils.

In fact, if you look at modern Western beauty trends, they’re really not all that different to those from other cultures. Women once starved themselves to achieve the gaunt 1990s model look but are now going to extreme lengths to achieve that Kim Kardashian booty. And there’s no denying that alternative subcultures have drawn inspiration from far away tribes with their much-loved gauged ears and plug earrings.
“I like to trouble the idea that there is somehow a purely ‘Western’ beauty tradition,” says Chan. “Even in the 15th century, European nobility and the emerging bourgeoisie were constantly influenced by the circulation of images, practices, techniques, and styles from travelers, scholars, intermarriage, and migration from around the world. Thus, ‘Western beauty’ has always been global and vice versa; Western beauty and fashion … constantly needs new input and new stimulus from visual reserves around the world.”
But you don’t have to look to these subcultures to see examples of our society’s unconventional beauty standards. We age our skin and expose ourselves to risk of cancer by sun tanning. We tattoo makeup, eyebrows, and even freckles onto our skin. We fill out lips with foreign substances that “plump” them. We even remove and inject our own blood into our face and call it a “facial.”
https://twitter.com/kyjennerworld/status/970055632593346563
While these practices may seem the norm to us, they may very well be quite the shock to other cultures—proving that “shocking,” just like beauty, is subjective.
“When we talk about beauty, we are really condensing all the complex realities of a person’s identity into an image,” says Chan. “Thus, all the work we must put into producing this image, we are endeavoring to communicate the internal self to the external world.”

Tags social

Wellbeing

The Beauty Bias: How Attractiveness Affects Our Lives

Post author By Brooke Geller
Post date February 14, 2018

We live in a world where physical appearance is very highly regarded. Victoria’s Secret models, Hollywood stars, and young pop singers are worshipped not only for their talents but also for their good looks. Many of us spend countless hours and dollars trying to attain an appearance even slightly close to these famous figures.

The obsession isn’t slowing down, either. Plastic surgery is on the rise, with facelifts increasing in popularity by 4 percent from 2015 to 2016.
But what about those who don’t have to try? As much as we might try to emulate the high cheekbones and button noses of some of those Victoria’s Secret Angels, many were merely born that way. Ever noticed that their makeup routines are often very minimalistic? When you’re blessed with features that are traditionally considered attractive—such as facial symmetry—you don’t need to do much to enhance them.

What must it be like to grow up knowing that you’ve won the genetic lottery? And what causes the rest of us to admire and pursue that same level of natural beauty—the ultimate level of attractiveness—so relentlessly?

The Ugly Witch and the Beautiful Princess

There’s a growing trend of not telling little girls they’re pretty. In an article for HuffPost, author Lisa Bloom argued that doing so sends a message that their looks are a reflection of their worth.

Deborah Best, PhD, is a psychologist specializing in gender stereotypes among young children. She says that the emphasis on appearance starts young.
“Children are exposed to the importance of physical appearance and attractiveness from a very early age,” says Best. “Without really thinking about the implicit messages they send, parents, family, and friends often comment on a newborn’s appearance. ‘What a pretty baby! She’s going to break some hearts!’; ‘Look at those strong legs! He’s going to be a football player!’”

In graduate school, Best studied under influential child psychologist Harriet Lange Rheingold. According to Best, Rheingold observed parents utter the above judgments in the nursery and said parents were more likely to discuss girls’ appearances than boys’.
“Adult comments on children’s physical appearance indicate to children how important it is to ‘look good’,” continues Best. “These subtle messages tell children that appearance is important and also suggest that those who are ‘better looking’ are also better people.”

Even classic fairy tales follow this narrative. Cinderella, like so many other stories, features a beautiful girl tormented by a hideous villain (in this case, her stepsisters). In The Ugly Duckling, the protagonist is only accepted once he matures into a beautiful swan. In fact, he tries to end it all when the beautiful birds won’t accept him.
They’re even bombarded in the toy room. Barbies and Bratz dolls perpetuate an unrealistic standard of appearance for girls; boys’ action figures feature unnaturally chiseled jawlines and bulging biceps.
Try as you might to keep your kids away from such problematic depictions, they’re still going to grow up and see the idolization of beautiful people in their favorite films, TV shows, and music videos. They quickly begin thinking that to be rich, famous, and admired, you must be attractive.

As children become more self-aware, these external influences can cause them to question their own perceived attractiveness. If they don’t believe themselves to be beautiful enough, they may very well develop a dangerous complex.

The Pros and Cons of Being Hot (Or Not)

Young girls and boys quickly associate being good-looking with happiness and value. But is life really better beautiful?
Growing up attractive certainly has its benefits. According to the Council on Contemporary Families’ briefing of a study in the journal Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, good-looking high schoolers are more likely to experience popularity and an overall sense of belonging. They even receive better grades, perhaps due to closer relationships with their teachers.

In David R. Shaffer’s book, Social and Personality Development, he cites a 1979 study which found that “attractive youngsters may become progressively more confident, friendly and outgoing,” whereas their less-attractive peers become more introverted, per the CCF briefing.
However, the Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development study found that many students with below-average looks, less slowed by a social scene, were able to focus more on their academics. Meanwhile, the advantages their attractive classmates experienced were more likely to be put in jeopardy by a distracting lifestyle involving heavy drinking and dating.

So it seems that attractiveness doesn’t guarantee success, but how does attractiveness it affect the way we’re treated?
“Highly attractive children benefit from the more positive evaluations of competence, more attention, and from more positive and less negative interactions with peers and adults,” says Best. “In contrast, less attractive children certainly see the differential treatment and incorporate such evaluative information into their self concepts.”

In one University of Tennessee at Chattanooga study, researches asked a group of 18 children to evaluate 12 photos of children with “varying degrees of attractiveness”—those levels of attractiveness established, in part, by five additional children. Attractive features were things like “straight teeth, toothy smile, large eyes, longer eyelashes, clear skin, or nicely groomed hair of a popular style”; unattractive features were things like “crooked teeth, facial scars, blemishes, or moles, ungroomed hair, dirty or unkempt appearance”; average features sat somewhere in the middle.
“In general,” the study found, “physically unattractive children were assumed to be dirty, have lice, and exhibit behavioral problems compared to the physically attractive children.” This bias was especially strong when it came to female students.

Says Best: “There is clear evidence of the ‘beautiful is good’ stereotype. Unattractive individuals are perceived to be dull, uninteresting, less intelligent, and less trustworthy.”
Indeed, a Journal of Personality and Social Psychology study shows that people perceive traditionally attractive people to “possess more socially desirable personality traits” and “lead better lives” than traditionally unattractive people. This prejudice, Best says, starts in infancy:

“Infants as young as three months of age show visual preferences for faces based on attractiveness, and between six and 10 months they categorize faces based on attractiveness. These early perceptual preferences lead to [children] differentiating between extremes of attractiveness and making judgments that agree with those of adults. Beginning in preschool, children also show a preference for more attractive peers and make more positive attributions about them. By middle school, the attractiveness bias, particularly for girls’ attractiveness, is quite robust. Children show more positive bias toward attractive girls and more negative bias toward unattractive ones.”

Yet bias doesn’t always favor beauty. The briefing of the Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development study referenced research that identified “a penalty of attractiveness for women in certain male-dominated occupations,” including one study which found that wearing a flattering dress “reduced perceptions of women’s competence for managerial positions—though not for secretarial positions.”
Further, the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology study found that people in the “unattractive” and “average” group were perceived to be more competent parents than those in the “attractive” group.

What can be done?

If Tinder has taught us anything, it’s that people do derive pleasure from judging people’s looks—and not always in a good way. You might feel like that’s a sure sign that people really are just shallow jerks. But when you’ve been raised to place such an importance on appearance, it’s hard to shake that old mindset.
[pullquote align=”center”]Just think about it: How many of your hang-ups are based on actual “flaws” in your appearance, not things society has taught you to obsess over?[/pullquote]
But as much as we’re influenced by the world around us, we can take initiatives to curb those influences. We can be conscious of how we judge ourselves and others; we can derive happiness from no one’s concept of beauty but our own; we can derive happiness from things beyond beauty.

This is easier said than done for those of us who struggle with self-esteem. Rebuilding your self-image and learning to derive confidence from something besides appearance is a slow process—there’s a reason therapy is often referred to as an investment. Alexa Suter’s essay on her own “Ugly Duckling” experience shows how deceptive our self-perceptions can be. She talks about being unable to accept compliments, recognize flirtation, or understand people staring at you (surely they’re challenging you and not checking you out).
But just think about it: How much of your hang-ups are based on actual “flaws” in your appearance, not things society has taught you to obsess over? Remember the thigh gap, the practically unattainable “ideal” women strove for in 2013—even when experts warned of its dangers?
Not long ago, it seemed like ultra-thin was in. Nowadays, the more voluptuous look is favored. While it’s a good thing that being underweight no longer holds as much value, there’s nothing “body positive” about feeling like you have to drastically change your body to mirror the curvy figures you see on Instagram. It’s impossible to keep up, and it’s unhealthy.
And as for our kids? It’s more important than ever: Teach them the importance of compassion and self-love. Provide them with slightly more realistic images of body standards. Teach them not to judge others based on their appearance. And make sure they know that they’re more than their looks.

In the meantime, Best believes that change is already on the way.
“For many years in Western societies, being thin, young, and physically attractive have been highly valued characteristics,” she says. ”In recent years, with the obesity epidemic, advertisements and commercials are using more diverse models to sell products, particularly products that are appropriate for larger sized individuals. Perhaps exposure to these varied models, along with programs that emphasize characteristics other than attractiveness (e.g., STEM programs for girls), will change views of attractiveness as well as help to emphasize the value of other interpersonal characteristics.”

Tags social

Favorite Finds Nosh

13 Things The Grocery Store Cashier Wants You To Know

Post author By Brooke Geller
Post date January 30, 2018

Being a cashier at a grocery store may be considered a fairly mundane job, but it’s surprisingly stressful—and not just during rush hour. In fact, customers’ behavior can make a lot of difference when it comes to getting through that shift.
If you’ve never worked as a cashier, you might be surprised to learn that some of your shopping habits aren’t ideal, or perhaps parts of your weekly grocery run routine are making things more difficult for yourself than they need to be.
These insider tips can not only make a cashier’s day better, but they can help make your entire shopping experience much smoother.

1. Practice common checkout courtesy.

First of all, a counter is not the same as a conveyor belt. See how that flat surface isn’t moving, or attached to any kind of machinery? It’s basically just a table. No, those groceries aren’t going to magically move themselves toward the register without the power of technology. Yes, please physically bring them to the cashier.
Now it’s time to unload your basket. That’s right: you, not the cashier. It’s an awkward height, and lifting 15 pound hams out of baskets with one arm all day isn’t great for your spine.

There is, however, one exception: If you have many of the same item in your cart, you only need to put one of them on the conveyor belt to be scanned. There’s really no need to unload 32 individual packets of frozen corn.
Make sure you use the divider, too. That’s how the cashier can distinguish your groceries from the person in front or behind you. Do you want to be paying for that random customer’s olive oil? Didn’t think so.
Brandon has worked in a Canadian grocery store for nine years in many different roles, including as a cashier. He warns against putting anything that’s not groceries on the conveyor belt, including money, coupons, and cards.

“This can be a big no because some tills might have enough clearance between the conveyor belt and till that allows these things to fall in between,” he says. “And even though most tills will have a trap to catch anything that might slip through, there is no guarantee the trap catches it.”

2. The cashier isn’t trying to steal your card details.

You know those little electronic point of sale machines that you use to pay with your card? They don’t all work the same. While some of them simply need the customer to swipe their card and enter their pin, others require the cashier to take your card, swipe it, enter the total, and then hand the machine back to you for your pin.

Some people tend to panic when it comes to handing someone else their card. Rest assured that the cashier doesn’t have the desire, time, or capability to memorize every single one of your card details for their own gain. They’re much too busy trying to get you and in and out so they can serve the next customer.

3. Understand how to read labels.

You can save a lot of money if you look at the price per weight of each item to see which one is really cheaper. On the other hand, there’s no point overreacting to a $50 per pound price label on that imported cheese when you’re actually just buying a couple of ounces.
Paige has worked as a cashier for three years, two of which have been in a grocery store. She knows all too well the importance of reading those labels.

“There is such a thing as an item limit, a brand, a weight limit, all that—the sign will tell you, so will the grocery store ad,” she says. “Very few people actually read the weights and just grab whatever the sign is near. Often, that means [everything from] grabbing the wrong size to getting the incorrect brand. Just because a sign says ‘Brand A shredded mozzarella eight ounces’ doesn’t mean you can get ‘Brand A 16 ounces mozzarella,’ ‘Brand B eight ounces,’ or ‘Brand A block mozzarella.'”

4. Do you really need that bag?

There’s nothing worse than the feeling of second-hand environmental guilt that washes over you when a customer asks you to double-bag or even individually bag every single item. You don’t need a plastic bag for that one apple. In fact, you probably don’t need a plastic bag at all. Why not bring your own reusable bag from home?

“If you have reusable bags, make sure you hand them to the cashier at the beginning of the transaction,” Brandon says. “Otherwise, we may have already begun to bag your groceries in plastic bags, which are wasteful and bad for the environment.”
And in case you do need to accept a plastic bag, trust the cashier with how many you need. No one knows better than them that a single plastic bag isn’t going to hold the weight of all those cans.

5. Cashiers are human beings.

This shouldn’t be something that people need to be reminded about, but sadly, some customers do take their frustration out on the people behind the counter.
“Your cashier could be a mother, a father, a university student, or a high school student getting their first job,” says Paige. “We don’t really have much say in how the products are priced or what policies the store follows, so getting mad at us won’t do you any good.”
[pullquote align=”center”]If we bag something incorrectly, please be polite and ask if we can change something.[/pullquote]
Jordan, who’s worked in grocery stores since 2013, has seen some unfortunate breakdowns from coworkers.
“I’ve seen too many of my friends and coworkers cry over some nasty person who yelled at them over something minuscule as a coupon,” he says. “The job is way harder than it looks.”
He says the key is simply being polite.
“If we bag something incorrectly, please be polite and ask if we can change something,” he says. “I’ve been way more accommodating to customers who say, ‘Could you please put the bananas in a separate bag?’ than I have to others who say, ‘I don’t want bananas with my bread! You’re gonna bruise them!’ and angrily snatch the bag from my hands.”

6. They actually do want to hear about your day.

Small talk isn’t always fake! Long shifts can get boring, and it’s nice to interact with people when you’ve been staring at a register for hours on end.

Me: Hi. How are you today?

Customer walks by in silence.
Me: Good talk. #retailproblems
— Dear Customer (@SWilliamBrown33) March 19, 2015

In fact, Paige says that if you go the extra mile, you might even strike up a beneficial friendship.
“Want to make days better for cashiers? Become a regular,” she says. “Let them learn your name, and learn theirs. As we get to know them, they get to know us. And when we know someone, we’re far more willing to do something for a regular we’d never do for a John or Jane Doe.”
“Short a dollar or two? Sure, I’ll cover you, you’re in here a lot, so I know you’ll pay me back. Need a sale ad four days before it’s out ’cause you’re going out of town? If we have them, sure. Just be warned: Once you’re a well known regular, we’re allowed to tease you!”

7. You’re not the only one in line.

You might be in a rush, but so are other people. You don’t deserve priority service over other customers. Don’t push in line.

8. If you change your mind about an item while in line, just hand it to the cashier.

“For some reason, people get apologetic or embarrassed about this,” says Brandon. “They should not be, especially when the alternative is putting the item in question in a random part of the store.”
You’d be surprised where these items turn up.
“I can’t tell you how many times I have found spoiled meat and milk on the shelf because someone was too lazy to walk three steps and put the item back in its cooler,” says Paige. “Not only is it gross, it’s outright unsanitary.

“It’s exactly why we had an infestation of fruit flies. Someone hid a package of meat that had a hole in it instead of giving it to someone, and it festered. We couldn’t find where it was, either, till someone followed the flies—it was actually on top of the freezers!”
If you can’t manage that social interaction, then at the very least, return frozen items to the freezer and cold items to the refrigerated section.

#DearCustomer: If you see an item you want, DO NOT hide it behind another item elsewhere in the store or face it backwards in the hopes that someone will overlook it. Buy it then, or ask to put it on hold.

— RetailMusings (@MusingsInRetail) November 28, 2017

“If you don’t know, just ask,” says Jordan. “If you don’t want to buy that pint of ice cream, don’t put it in the vending machine fridge. We both know it doesn’t belong there. Don’t know where to put your basket? Ask, and we’ll take it away for you. We’re not only here for our paychecks. We’re here to help!”

9. Hand coupons to the cashier at the right time.

“Some items might have coupons stuck to them or wrapped around them,” says Brandon. “If you notice these, take them off and hand them directly to the cashier when you are cashing out, either at the end of the transaction or when they are ringing the item in question through.”

10. Double-check your receipt and change.

“Always give a quick glance at your receipt after the transaction,” says Brandon. “Again, cashiers may go into auto-pilot and not realize they double-scanned a product and overcharged you. We are human, and we make mistakes. Luckily, these can be fixed by customer service most of the time.”

11. The back of the store is not a magic portal.

Thought the “backroom” was a place full of infinite possibilities and that item you can’t find in stock? Sorry, but that’s not even close to reality.

“It’s gray, boring, industrial, and usually cramped,” says Paige. “There’s pallets of goods, boxes of this, crates of that. But that doesn’t mean that the back is a magical place where there’s always another one of the item you want.”

12. If you’re wowed by a certain cashier’s great service, make sure to let their manager know.

“If you like someone, tell their manager how great they are,” says Jordan. “My company tends to give out coupons to associates who are recognized by customers.”

Not to mention it will put them in good standing with their employer and possibly help them get that raise or promotion!

13. A shopping cart is not a trash can, and neither are you.

Empty water bottles, half-eaten sandwiches, and any other form of trash has no place in a shopping cart. If you have rubbish, hold onto it until you can find a bin. Chances are the cashier has one under the counter.

On that note, take care of yourself before coming into the store. It’s not exactly courteous to interact with people when you haven’t changed your clothes or brushed your teeth in a fortnight.
“Take a hecking shower!” says Paige. “I just got one guy today I could smell from 10 feet away.”
No one wants to be the person who pushes in line or leaves frozen peas in the candy bar aisle. But you definitely don’t want to be the customer known for their odor.

Tags 50037446, Commerce, fuel, hemingway, social

Wellbeing

What We Can Learn From Women Who Cheat On Their Significant Others

Post author By Brooke Geller
Post date January 5, 2018

When damning photos recently surfaced suggesting Ewan McGregor was cheating on his wife of 22 years, fans were shocked. Many took to social media to express their dismay that the Hollywood heartthrob wasn’t the “good guy” they had once thought, while others posted messages of support on his wife’s Instagram.
These reactions are typical of many tales of infidelity, which often have a similar result: sympathy for the cheatee and vilification of the cheater. But what about the perpetrator’s side of the story?
As much as it hurts, infidelity carries heavy, but important, life lessons for everyone involved, including the cheater. While this doesn’t always have a positive impact on both parties, it’s an experience that leaves a lasting impression nonetheless.
We spoke to five women who cheated to hear about their regrets, motivation, and, most importantly, lessons learned. We’ve changed their names to protect their identities. How did cheating change them, and what can they teach us about relationships and ourselves?

The Question of “Why”

Anyone who’s ever been cheated on knows the torment of that one question: Why did they do it?
Cheating may seem like a morally black and white issue. But much like relationships, every instance is unique and can even be quite complicated.
So why do people cheat? Is it because they’re bad people? If that was the case, then a lot of Americans would fall under that umbrella. According to one survey, 19 percent of Americans have cheated on a partner. But as much as the word “cheater” is thrown around as a derogatory label, cheating can happen for many different reasons.

The five women who shared their experiences had very different stories to tell. One cheated as a response to being cheated on, another reached out to someone else at the end of a dying relationship, and there was more than one case of infidelity as a means to seek comfort from an abusive relationship.

Reason and Recovery

No matter the reason, Sofie says that cheating on someone is “never ever worth it—even if your partner is abusive or neglectful.”
“The particular flavor of sickly guilt is awful, and it will make you a worse person to have to build up the hundreds of micro-lies needed to get away with it,” she says.

Because of this emotional burden, Sofie isn’t optimistic about the future of any relationship where cheating has occurred.
“I personally don’t think a relationship can recover fully from infidelity, whether it’s discovered or not,” she says. “As I said before, the relationship has now had to weather hundreds of big and little lies, and the cheater is always afraid of punishment—while the cheatee is always afraid of further infidelity.”
Chelsea has also noticed that being unfaithful can wreak havoc not just on a relationship, but on a cheater’s mentality.
“After I cheat, I always get an intense jealousy feeling, like how they mention the jealous ones are usually the guilty ones,” she says. “Because that’s exactly how I feel afterwards. When I don’t cheat, I don’t get that feeling at all.”

One commonality between almost all of their stories is that the cheating was a symptom of a less than ideal relationship.
Kat learned the hard way that cheating can be a lesson on “how to fall out of love with someone.”
“I got so involved in the relationship, and everything felt so good, and I couldn’t possibly imagine how it would ever end, nor did I want to,” she says. “I see now how unhealthy that mindset was, and I understand how to be realistic about love.”

“Maybe next time (s)he’ll think before (s)he cheats.”

Cheating often happens when a relationship has stagnated. When things reach that point, it’s better to just end things rather than cheat.
“A one-sided break-up is always going to be painful, but you are doing a huge kindness to your significant other by being honest and ending things without delay,” she says.

Jess has cheated on multiple partners in the past and agrees that it wasn’t the right reaction to a loss of attraction. She says she should have instead realized that her desire to cheat was a sign that things weren’t working.
“I should’ve broken up with my first and last ex when I felt very tempted to cheat, because I knew in my gut that I was unhappy in the relationship,” she says.

… it’s never had anything to do with my current partner.

However, cheating isn’t always about the other person. Sometimes infidelity is simply a reflection of what’s going on with the cheater. Zoe has realized that she has a tendency to sabotage her relationships by cheating.
“For one thing, it was a step on the way to learning how deeply self-destructive I am,” she says. “I do things that I know are terrible because in some way, I want them to bring me down. It’s a problem. I’m working on it.”

Chelsea says that her cheating has no connection to how satisfied she is in her relationship.
“For me, it’s never had anything to do with my current partner,” she says. “We could have a perfect weekend away, and then an ex could text me, and I’d consider meeting up.”

The Picture of a Cheater

We’ve all watched enough movies and listened to plenty of heartbroken friends to learn that cheaters are always the villain of the story, right? Not always. It’s difficult to humanize someone who cheats without appearing to excuse their actions. At the same time, it’s important not to reduce someone to their actions alone.
“Different circumstances lead to different actions,” says Sofie. “People change.”
Much like Sofie, Jess doesn’t agree with the old adage of “once a cheater, always a cheater.” While she’s cheated in relationships in the past, she can’t see that happening with her current partner of three years.

“There are many cheaters who cheat shamelessly and notoriously on many or all partners, but not everyone who cheats fall in this category,” she says. “It also doesn’t mean that the next relationship a ‘past cheater’ enters is doomed to also result in cheating.”
Her previous transgressions were a reaction to what she now realizes were abusive relationships. She says she’s never come close to being unfaithful in her current relationship and has resisted advances from others many times since—even from one of her partner’s close friends.
“I always decline their offer and refuse to give out my number because I’m happy and have no hidden feelings of curiosity about what else is out there,” she says. “Because my significant other is literally perfect for me, inside and out.”
Jess’ partner is well aware of her cheating in past relationships. She believes you should always disclose past cheating in a new relationship.

… I wanted to give him the opportunity to choose to be with me or not, given the full disclosure.

“Not everyone agrees with being so transparent or talking about their past, but I saw a long-term future with my significant other and wanted him to know who he was getting in bed with every night and planning his future with,” she says.
“This may seem contradictory because I don’t believe cheating defined me or the trajectory of my future relationships, but it’s a taboo in our society for good reason. It shows that the other partner may have a certain level of distrust for the partner who cheated in the past.”
Being open about her history did make commitment a little more difficult in the beginning of her relationship. But Jess knew it was important to let her partner decide if she was the person he wanted to be with, baggage and all.
“I didn’t want to mislead him by the omission of my two past cheating transgressions, and I wanted to give him the opportunity to choose to be with me or not, given the full disclosure,” she says. “We weren’t official for a few months as a result, but now it’s a non-issue.”

Surprise-Side Cheating

If these women’s stories tell us anything, it’s that our view of the heartless cheater isn’t always accurate. The circumstances surrounding their actions definitely challenge those negative assumptions, especially when abuse is involved.
One surprising revelation is that cheating doesn’t always come with regrets—and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. This is certainly the case for Jess, who cheated on her ex with her current partner.

“I’m not proud of cheating, but I don’t regret it because I wouldn’t have been in the place in my life that I was when I met my significant other if I hadn’t been in a relationship with my ex,” she says.
The stigma surrounding cheating dictates that it should always be regretted. A display of regret plays a big part in how likely they are to be forgiven or excused for cheating. If someone doesn’t regret cheating, then what’s to stop them from doing it again?
The thing is a person can show remorse for their actions but still not regret them. By showing remorse, they fully acknowledge how they’ve hurt someone else and take full responsibility for their actions.
As Jess has shown, it’s possible to feel remorse for cheating but still not regret doing it. She was previously in an abusive relationship; after discovering she’d cheated, her ex kept her captive for hours. Even so, she’d do it all over again to be with her current partner.

“While our beginning was condemnable and morally wrong, and I lived through depression and PTSD from my ex finding me out, I would still live through that all over again and make those same choices to be with my current significant other.”

What Makes a Cheater?

Given that there are many factors that can lead someone to cheat, there’s really no formula to predict if you or someone you know is capable of cheating. Sometimes infidelity is a result of a toxic relationship, but other times it’s simply a reflection of one person’s issues. But they do provide some insights for people who feel they may cheat or have cheated before.

I shouldn’t have let it consume me because it doesn’t define ‘me.’

If you have cheated in the past, you might not be dealing with the issues that have stemmed from the guilt. This is something that Jess had to face for her own mental wellbeing.
“I needed to learn how to forgive myself,” she says. “I carried a shameful burden for two years after cheating on my third ex for my current significant other.”
Just like Sofie explained, Jess felt the weight of her guilt for a long time.
“At the beginning, when I started cheating and sneaking around, I fell into a deep depression that stemmed from guilt,” she says. “It ate away at me on the inside—lying to my ex and leading what felt like a double life. I knew I should feel badly for what I had done, but I shouldn’t have let it consume me because it doesn’t define ‘me.’”
Of course, the best way to avoid these issues is to stop before it goes too far—even if you think your interactions with that other person are innocent.

Cheating doesn’t have to be physical, emotional/verbal cheating is very real. The day you start thinking about being with someone else, please tell me. I’d rather be hurt by the truth, than stuck in a lie.

— Sheila (@sheilmo) January 4, 2018

“Emotional infidelity is just as serious as physical and almost always leads to the latter,” says Sofie. “Don’t fool yourself that ‘nothing happened’ if you’re talking to some guy like he’s your partner every day.”
She’s learned that it’s crucial to be realistic about how tempted you might be.
“If you’re worried that you might cheat, just don’t put yourself in any stupid situations,” she says. “Don’t drink around the person you fancy. Don’t text them. Don’t feed the crush. If you need to get out of your relationship, do that first, then think about whether you still want to chase this new person. If you don’t want to leave your relationship, water the grass there.”
Sofie’s message is blunt, but she speaks from experience. Cheating hurts, especially if that relationship is going to continue after the truth comes out.
Zoe cheated on her partner five years ago and says they’ve since “come back from it.” For her, cheating showed her just how much power she had over her partner’s wellbeing: a discovery that hurt them both.

“I realized how much power I have in my relationship, for lack of a better term,” she says. “I hurt him more deeply than I thought was actually possible. I knew he would be angry when I told him—and I did tell him, right away—but I didn’t realize he would be so sad.”
“He really loves me. Like, a lot. That doesn’t seem like it should have been such a revelation after four years together, but there you have it. Whatever thrill it gave me to mess around with someone new wasn’t worth losing that.”

Tags 50038001, balance, hemingway

Motherhood

7 Controversial Parenting Techniques

Post author By Brooke Geller
Post date December 13, 2017

In 2012, actor Alicia Silverstone made headlines when she released a video of herself feeding her infant son. The video revealed that she likes to chew her son’s food up before feeding it to him, much like a bird would feed its hatchlings.

It goes without saying that people were shocked. But for Silverstone, there was nothing strange about it. She claimed that it was a “weaning process” and that she certainly wasn’t the first parent to do so.
The public’s outraged response might suggest that her mealtime ritual isn’t quite the time-honored tradition she claims it is. But it does raise an important question: Is the shocked reaction to such techniques really warranted?
Much like unconventional baby names, there’s been an undeniable rise in the popularity of alternative parenting methods in recent years. And when it comes to other people’s parenting choices, it can often feel like everyone’s a critic.
Take a look at some of the most controversial modern parenting techniques and decide for yourself.

1. Gender-Neutral Parenting

Gender is one of the most hotly debated topics right now. More and more people are feeling comfortable openly identifying with a gender other than the one they were assigned at birth or even rejecting the gender binary entirely.
It’s a pretty big sociological shakeup, and not all of society is on board with this new dynamic. Considering this, it’s not hard to see why there’s been such a backlash against raising a child without the notion of gender.
The traditional method of childrearing places a heavy emphasis on gender. Gender-appropriate names, clothing, and even toys all play a role in a many children’s upbringing.

Advocates of gender-neutral parenting would argue that this is assigning a child a gender identity at birth instead of allowing them to identify as what feels natural to them. It also prevents children from engaging in interests that are traditional to a gender other than their own.
With gender-neutral parenting, children can enjoy whatever clothing, hairstyle, toys, or games they want without feeling pressured or shamed for their choices. Basically, they’re given the freedom to express themselves however they choose.
Gender politics is a highly controversial subject. Rejecting the gender binary is rejecting the status quo, which is bound to ruffle a few feathers. Parents who use this method are sometimes accused of pushing their agenda onto their children.

Some people, such as sexual neuroscientist Debra W. Soh, argue that attempts to raise children gender-neutral are pointless, as they’re still likely to pursue gender-typical interests.
Nevertheless, it’s a far cry from abuse—despite what some might claim.

2. Attachment Parenting

Another celebrity who’s often making headlines for her parenting choices is The Big Bang Theory star Mayim Bialik. She’s a big fan of attachment parenting, a topic that she discusses often in interviews.
Attachment parenting aims to deepen the bond between mother and child. This is done with babywearing, extended breastfeeding, and co-sleeping.

A post shared by mayim bialik (@missmayim) on May 14, 2017 at 7:32am PDT

Bialik breastfed one of her sons until he was 4 years old—something she faced a lot of backlash for.
Although some find attachment parenting amazing, others aren’t so convinced. For example, Barbara M. Ostfeld, PhD, a professor of pediatrics at Rutgers Robert Wood Johnson Medical School, recently held a Reddit AMA about the risk factors associated with bed-sharing.
In the discussion, she explained that “with respect to bed-sharing, the [American Academy of Pediatrics] notes that it is especially risky and to be avoided under several conditions such as sleeping with a term infant under 4 months of age.”
Laura Paret, PhD, is a child and adolescent psychologist who works with children, adolescents, and their families to treat a range of behavioral challenges at Union Square Practice in New York City. “Attachment theory, in my opinion, has the strongest research basis for explaining how parent–child relationships later impact children as adults,” she says.
Paret works with parents in coaching them to “adopt an authoritative parenting style, drawing from Baumrind’s seminal work on the topic,” a theory that bears similarity to attachment parenting.
“Essentially both theories highlight the need for children to have warm, empathic connection—i.e. a ‘safe haven’ of comfort and security, from an attachment perspective—and encouragement to take on challenges and explore the world within firm limits set by the parents—i.e. a ‘secure base’ from which children can explore their worlds but also understanding behavioral expectations and boundaries the parents hold,” Paret says.

She focuses on “optimizing the relationship connection” by helping parents learn how to give attention and praise during play and quality time. Paret says that this form of “affirmation coaching” helps promote both emotional literacy and intelligence in children, which in turn encourages their ability to solve problems independently while nurturing their self-esteem.
“Special play time and other relationship-building strategies can quickly increase the sense of safety and attachment within the parent–child relationship, at which point approaches that follow from an ‘authoritative’ parenting style come next, such as behavioral-modification strategies like limit setting, natural and logical consequences, selective attention, and rewards/incentives,” she says.
“Research shows that on the whole, these approaches translate into children’s improved ability to be self-reliant [and] emotionally intelligent [and have] stronger peer relationships and academic performance and [improved] relationship quality throughout the life span.”
Filmmaker Jacqui Blue is a producer best known for the documentary Beautiful Births. She’s an advocate for more holistic parenting methods and has spent almost a decade studying pregnancy and childbirth. She also happens to be a single mom of five boys ages 9 to 14.
Blue is a big fan of attachment-parenting methods and implemented them with her own children.

“When my kids were younger my parenting style included breastfeeding (extended), co-sleeping, babywearing, and we danced to the Wiggles all the time.”
Blue says she has seen co-sleeping not be ideal for some parents, whose children refuse to sleep in their own bed up to the age of 12. Nevertheless, her experience was a positive one.
“While my kids were nursing and not sleeping through the night, co-sleeping made life so much easier,” she says. “In addition to emotional bonds, mother and child have physiological responses to one another, which is really quite fascinating.”
She says that although she and her family work well together as a team, “personal independence” is highly encouraged.
“Personal responsibility, boundaries, and respect are big deals in my home and things I wish our society overall would learn how to implement,” she says.

3. Gentle Parenting

Similar to attachment parenting, gentle parenting doesn’t use rewards or punishment when teaching children what’s wrong and right. Parents who raise their children with gentle parenting techniques will avoid saying words like “no” or “don’t” and aren’t fans of rewarding good behavior with what could be interpreted as a bribe (“I’ll give you a piece of candy if you clean your room!”)

This method is supposed to help children think about their actions on a deeper level rather than blindly obeying their parents because of an expected reaction. In theory, they’ll learn to be respectful and compassionate but also not feel scared of their parents’ reactions to their behavior.
Of course, a lot of parents would balk at the idea of never telling their kid “no” or allowing them to discuss every parenting decision. After all, they’re going to be hearing the word “no” a lot when they leave the nest.

4. Involving Children in Childbirth

If you have younger siblings, your earliest memory of them is probably when they were brought home from the hospital. But some parents are now having all their kids present for the birth of their new siblings, allowing them to welcome the new addition to the family as soon as they take their first breath.
Seeing someone give birth is a pretty intense experience, which is exactly why not everyone thinks it’s appropriate for kids to be in the room. There are fears that it might be too stressful for a young child to understand.

For parents who do include their kids in the birth, it’s important to prepare them for what’s about to happen, especially if they’re young. That way they’ll feel less confused about seeing their mother in so much pain.
The University of Michigan’s CS Mott Children’s Hospital has some ideas for involving older siblings in the birth of a new baby, suggesting that they may even like to cut the cord to feel really involved in the process.

5. The Ferber Method (AKA “Crying it out”)

It might not be new, but it’s certainly controversial. The Ferber method is a form of sleep training that involves leaving a baby be when they cry instead of instantly picking them up or feeding them.
Suffice to say, Blue isn’t fond of the Ferber method.
“The mainstream idea here is that the baby learns to self-soothe,” she says. “Some parents will let their infant scream for hours until the child just passes out from exhaustion … and call it ‘self soothing’ or ‘learning who’s boss and they won’t manipulate me!'”

So are babies manipulating their parents by crying? According to Blue, no.
“An infant does not know how to manipulate,” she says. “If an infant is crying in the middle of the night, the child needs something—food, a diaper change, or just to feel Mommy’s heartbeat. It’s too easy to forget where the baby just came from and the harsh world it’s having to adjust to. Mother’s heartbeat is soothing and reminds them of a warm, safe space.”
Granted, the Ferber method does allow parents to touch their baby—but not hold them.

6. Co-Parenting

Co-parenting is a broad term that describes non-traditional modes of raising children. It could involve someone raising a baby with a platonic friend who isn’t their romantic partner or raising a baby in a romantic, polyamorous relationship—that is, a relationship that involves more than two people.

Children who are co-parented often have more than two parents who contribute to their upbringing.
Despite the modern age we live in, many people still subscribe to a traditional view of a family, with one mother and one father who are romantically involved. In co-parenting situations there’s a fear that children will be confused—or worse, traumatized—by so many parental figures.

But as one study demonstrates, people have been co-parenting for years thanks to extended family members taking on equal responsibility for children.
Although little research has been done on the effect of having multiple parents (such as many mothers and/or fathers), it hasn’t been shown to traumatize anyone. If anything, a larger support system is ultimately healthier for a child’s development.

7. Unschooling

Unschooling is a form of homeschooling that involves the students choosing what they learn and how they learn it. There’s a strong emphasis placed on learning through experiences. For example, instead of teaching children about fractions from a textbook, parents might bake a cake with their kids and explain fractions using measuring cups.

With unschooling there is a risk that children could have gaps in essential knowledge simply because they don’t feel like learning specific things—for example, math. Some kids may also exploit this method by procrastinating, claiming that they’d rather do something like bake a cake than read a book.
The key to unschooling is creativity. Real-world experience is a great way to learn skills, and, done the right way, ideally it will keep kids engaged long enough for them to gain the knowledge they need.

What’s the big deal?

Whether it’s boys wearing dresses or parents leaving their babies to cry, there will always be people on either side of the argument. But when it comes to what’s wrong or right, it is crucial to stay informed.
Blue says it’s important for parents to do their research when deciding what’s best for them and their children.
“Don’t worry about if something is ‘controversial’ or not, because someone is going to have something to say about it, no matter what you do,” she says. “That’s just the way it is. But if you research and get facts, talk to other parents, hear their personal experiences, read books, talk to doctors, read medical journals—do all of that and then with all the information you have, figure out what makes sense to you; what do you feel is best for you and your family? What are you most comfortable with and what don’t you trust? If you do that—gather as much information as you can—and then make an educated and informed choice, you can feel confident in your parenting choices, regardless of what anyone else has to say about it.”

And don’t forget: No one has it all figured out, no matter what they tell you.

Tags 50036756, hemingway, parenting

Lifestyle

Sorry, Not Sorry: 10 Things Women Should Never Apologize For

Post author By Brooke Geller
Post date December 8, 2017

Overuse of apologies is silly: It diminishes the force of the apologies overall …

If you’ve seen Inside Amy Schumer Season 3, then you’ll probably remember a certain skit called “I’m Sorry.” The scene involves a panel of “top innovators in their respective fields,” all of them women. The presenter makes continuous errors while introducing the panelists, but instead of acknowledging the mistakes, it’s the experts themselves who are constantly apologizing:
“Sorry, uh, it’s not child refugees, it’s actually child soldiers. Sorry, I’m so annoying.”

Why is this scene so funny? Because despite being a parody of how even the most accomplished woman is still trapped in a state of feeling perpetually apologetic for pretty much everything, it’s painfully close to reality.

Why are women so sorry?

Women have a habit of apologizing for the most trivial of things. Pointing this out to them may just prompt another apology.

Boys are typically socialized from birth to see the world as their oyster … . Girls are typically raised to attune themselves first to the needs of others …

While, granted, it’s hard to track the amount of times that women apologize, research published in Psychological Science found that women did indeed apologize more than men,

“This is a reflection of gendered socialization so deeply ingrained in our culture that we often can’t see it,” she says. “Boys are typically socialized from birth to see the world as their oyster and have no reticence about claiming their power. Girls are typically raised to attune themselves first to the needs of others, to respond rather than assume their own agency, even though they are now simultaneously told they can become anything they want to be.”
Feldt noticed that this social programming is particularly problematic in the business world.
“When I was researching my book Feldt (via International Women’s Forum), No Excuses, I found that prevailing studies attributed this to women’s lower ambition to lead in business and politics,” she says. “But the more I dug into the research, interviewed women across the country, and looked into my own heart and performance as a leader, the more I came to attribute the disparity not to lack of ambition but to women’s socialization that leads to less intention. Ambition is aspirational—having a goal, hope, or desire. Intention implies assuming you are empowered to achieve your ambition and that you take the responsibility to make it happen.”

For women to achieve those ambitions, it’s important to make conscious strides to overcome the need to apologize. Are you ready to adopt a “sorry, not sorry” attitude?
Stop apologizing, then, for these 10 things:

1. Getting Someone’s Attention

You wouldn’t answer the phone or greet someone in the street by apologizing to them. So why do so many women say “sorry” when they really mean to say, “excuse me”?

I catch myself almost every day starting sentences with ‘Sorry to bother you, but…’

This is especially common in work environments. Think about it: How many times do you apologize during your daily interactions with your coworkers?
Even Feldt has to remain mindful of not apologizing simply for being noticed or taking up attention.
“I catch myself almost every day starting sentences with ‘Sorry to bother you, but…’ and overusing the words ‘just’ or ‘a little bit’ to diminish the credibility of whatever I am saying,” she says. “I have started editing my emails as a practice to stop apologizing, unless of course there is a reason to apologize.”

She’s even had to edit the language she uses in Take The Lead’s corporate communications in order to use “simple declarative sentences that state what we believe or know in direct terms rather than deflecting to language couched in lack of certainty.”
Remember: there’s no need to apologize for getting someone’s attention. You have a right to initiate a conversation!

2. Getting Bumped Into

It sounds too bizarre to be true, but it happens. Just the other day, I apologized to a group of ducks for slipping on ice in front of them and startling them. I don’t think they appreciated my sentiment.
But seriously, if apologizing to someone else when they bump into you isn’t vocalizing a subconscious fear of taking up too much space, then what is?

3. Crying

Crying in front of someone else is an incredibly vulnerable act. And if you’re prone to Kim Kardashian cry face, then you might find yourself apologizing for subjecting the other person to a potentially uncomfortable, raw display of emotion. But as awkward as it might feel, there’s no need to apologize for anything.

Women are often stereotyped as being emotional and thus irrational. Not only is this belief massively untrue, but it further emphasizes the outdated belief that emotion is a sign of femininity and weakness.
Every human is entitled to express themselves, regardless of gender. Continuing to attach shame to displays of emotion just perpetuates those same toxic attitudes. Let people feel their feelings!

4. Being Sexually Harassed

Thanks to that fight-or-flight instinct, you never know how you’re going to react when you’re harassed. It’s horrible to freeze up. It’s even more infuriating to hear yourself suddenly apologize.
Why would a woman apologize for being harassed? This is a symptom of a culture that tells women to take responsibility for everything—even the actions of others.

Lindsey Weedston created Not Sorry Feminism as an antidote to women’s need to over apologize, something she noticed in nearly every woman she knew. She says that “our patriarchal culture teaches women to blame themselves for abuse and assault.”
She says her habit of constantly saying sorry is a result of guilt issues that are “magnified by a culture that blames women and girls for everything bad that happens to them,” otherwise known as victim blaming.
When women react to harassment by apologizing to their attacker, they’re vocalizing that the blame lies not with their attacker, but with them.

5. Not Understanding Something

Did you ever have a teacher tell you that “there are no stupid questions?” That’s just as true now as it was when you were still in school.

Not everyone learns in the same way. Maybe you need to perform a task first to really understand how it works, or maybe you need to see something written down to remember it.
Remember that apologizing for lacking knowledge you were never taught is like apologizing for not seeing the landmark in a city you’ve never traveled to. It’s not your fault, and there’s no need to be sorry about it.

6. Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is an area where being firm takes priority over being polite. While people should always be respectful of what you are and aren’t okay with, it’s totally not your responsibility to make sure they respect you.
If they do cross the line, don’t ever think you owe them an apologetic explanation. There’s really no need to use the word “sorry” when you tell your mother-in-law that you weren’t cool with her filling your baby’s bottle with soda instead of formula.

7. Turning Someone Down

Do you apologize when you won’t give someone your number or go on a date with them? As much as you might be afraid to hurt someone’s feelings, you aren’t under obligation to date or spend time with anyone you don’t want to.

Of course, you can still let someone down politely. A simple, “no, but thanks” is always better than, “no, I’m sorry.” If they can’t handle rejection, then that’s on them.

8. Declining an Invitation

We all know the guilt of “flaking” on a friend’s social engagement. But you don’t have to be an introvert to know that it’s a bit draining to attend every single event on your calendar. Just think about it: would you really be the best company if you spent the entire time waiting for an appropriate time to leave?
It’s okay to say no and stay in for the night. You don’t owe everyone your presence at their art show or gig. Well, maybe you shouldn’t bail on your mother’s birthday, but you get the gist.

9. Being “Basic”

Do you love pumpkin spice lattes? Is fall your favorite season? Do you think pugs are just the cutest? These might seem like pretty generic interests, but there’s a reason they’re so popular.

Pumpkin spice is delicious. Fall is beautiful. Pugs are amazing. So why are people who admit to liking these things shamed for being so, well, basic?
Apologies can often reflect embarrassment or shame. But don’t let the haters dictate your interests. Hold that pumpkin spice latte high with pride!

10. Not Being Able to “Fix” a Situation

For a long time, women have been viewed as caregivers whose main task is to keep things running smoothly. Of course, gender roles are (thankfully) a lot more diverse nowadays, and women are less likely to be limited by this outdated cliché. Sadly, they kind of still are—which means women are still feeling like they’re responsible for smoothing over anything that goes wrong.
Madeleine Burry documented her own week-long experiment to stop saying sorry. Not only did it help her become more aware of her apology habit, but it helped her realize that she often feels responsible for situations that really shouldn’t be her problem.
“Ultimately, I think I apologize a lot because I’m an accommodating person and eager to smooth over situations,” she says. “Mostly, I choose to think of that as a positive side of my personality. So I don’t apologize for being an over-apologizer, is what I’m saying. But obviously, there are times when apologizing undercuts me. So I do try to be very aware of when I apologize … ”

There’s ways to smooth over situations without taking on all the responsibility,” she adds, “which is what apologizing does in some sense.”
The next time you feel the need to apologize when something’s gone wrong, ask yourself: Am I responsible for what went wrong in the first place?

How to Say Sayonara to Sorry

Are you feeling ready to take a break from “sorry”? Great! But…what’s the alternative? What can be done to address this habit?
“It’s been pointed out to me that the goal shouldn’t be to never be sorry,” says Weedston. “Another aspect of our patriarchal culture is that women are expected to solve all the problems that men created that harm us. Should women apologize less, or should men apologize more? Men are taught that nothing they do is their fault, and it’s easy to find men that are extremely reluctant to apologize for anything, ever.”
It’s hard to say if men should start apologizing more to balance the scale, but it’s definitely a good idea for women to reassess just how much they say “sorry” every day. So what about completely eliminating “sorry” from your vocabulary altogether?
Burry thinks this method is a tad over the top.
“Sounds like a super-rude society to me!” she says. “Overuse of apologies is silly: It diminishes the force of the apologies overall … . … We’re in a moment, culturally, … of men apologizing to women for actions from the past, and I think that has a value, even if it’s not a solution to the problem.”

Weedston agrees that there’s definitely a time and a place for a genuine apology.
“There have also been times where I have said things that harmed people I have privilege over, and it was very important that I be sorry for that,” she says. “I still think that women need to work on not apologizing for speaking up.”
If you want to revolutionize the way you communicate and move away from your “sorry” addiction, think about how you can replace the word with something more appropriate.
Artist Yao Xiao has a suggestion: instead of “sorry,” say “thank you.” Like, “thank you for being patient” instead of, “sorry I’m always late.” By doing this, you remove yourself from this subconscious guilt complex and shift the focus to how appreciative you are of the other person’s efforts. Not to mention you’re kind of complementing them at the same time.
As one of Xiao’s comics says: “Don’t apologize for simply existing. Because it is not wrong.”

Tags 50037426, care, hemingway

Lifestyle

You May Be Completely Misusing These 15 Beauty Products

Post author By Brooke Geller
Post date November 13, 2017

I want you to take a moment to think about how long you’ve been wearing makeup. How many years have you been committing a small part of your day to using products? How much have you changed your routine? And more importantly, how much have you not changed your routine?

No matter how many videos you’ve watched from beauty vloggers, there’s bound to be a few gaps in your hair and makeup knowledge. Even those with perfect eyebrows are probably doing something that’s not quite right.
Are you one of those people? Take a look at these common beauty blunders and see if you’ve been misusing any of your products.

1. Beauty Sponges

If you’re struggling to achieve smooth foundation application and basically wasting a whole lot of product thanks to your makeup sponge, then chances are you’re not using it correctly. Before you throw that beauty blender in the trash, ask yourself one question: Are you using it dry or damp?
Instead of applying your foundation with a dry sponge, make sure it’s damp, and gently dab the product on your face. Amazing, right?

Don’t forget: There are completely different rules for using silicone sponges. You don’t need to use nearly as much product, thanks to the non-absorbent material. You should also use a circular motion first before dabbing.
Speaking of flawless complexions, beauty blogger and YouTuber Lucy Kyselica—known as Loepsie to her readers and subscribers—thinks ideal coverage comes down to two things: the right color applied sparingly.
“I like to say there are no rules to makeup, but it always makes me a bit sad to see girls applying thick layers of foundation all over their faces like a mask, often covering up perfectly beautiful skin,” she says. “I’m a big fan of just using a light foundation to cover ‘problem areas,’ like parts of the skin that show redness or are discolored.”

This technique is used by makeup artist Lisa Eldridge and is even known as “the Eldridge technique.” It’s perfect for problem skin and, as Kyselica says, allows you to “wear your natural skin wherever possible.”
“Applying foundation this way looks really natural and fresh and is better for the skin,” she says.

2. Brushes

If you’ve spent a ton of money on a skincare regimen just to still experience pesky breakouts, then you might want to focus on your tools rather than your products.

Makeup brushes and even those sonic cleansing brushes aren’t going to do squat to help you achieve that flawless complexion unless you’re regularly cleaning them. Product and bacteria will build up over time, causing breakouts and even posing a health risk.
Sephora has got a video full of handy tips for choosing—and cleaning—brushes.

3. Hair Oil

If hair oil is leaving your hair more, well, oily than moisturized, you’re probably not applying it correctly. Pumping oil into your palm and raking it through your hair will only leave you with greasy streaks while the rest of your hair is still crying out for attention.

Instead, dispense a few drops into your hand and rub it between your palms to warm it up. Ensure your entire palm and fingers are evenly coated in oil. Next, lightly apply it to your mid-lengths and ends using a twisting motion.
Try not to apply the oil directly to your roots, as your scalp already produces its own oils.

4. Mascara

Even the most expensive mascara isn’t going to grant you voluminous lashes if used incorrectly.

Rather than raking the brush directly up, hold the brush against the lash roots and gently wiggle it upward. This helps to really coat your lashes in product and achieve maximum volume.

5. Coconut Oil

Coconut oil is often touted as the miracle solution to all your problems. It can help you achieve silky-smooth shaved legs, moisturize your body, and remove even the thickest layer of eye makeup.

But before you go lathering it all over your face, you might want to do a patch test first. Why? Because coconut oil is super comedogenic. This means that if you use it as an oil cleanser or moisturizer, you might end up with major breakouts rather than the complexion of your dreams.
Coconut oil can also produce undesirable results as a hair mask, since it’s loaded with protein. If your hair is just dry rather than damaged, you should probably steer clear.
Everyone’s skin and hair is different. You might be better off using something like jojoba oil on your face and moisturizing olive oil as a hair mask.

6. Baking Soda

If you’ve ever used baking soda to clean your home, then you’ll know that it’s great at scrubbing away and lifting grease. As tempted as you might be to apply the same method to your face, just…don’t.
Baking soda is simply too harsh for your skin. It can really irritate it and strip away much-needed oils, throwing everything out of balance. No one needs an exfoliant that strong!
https://twitter.com/knee_chole/status/433079609387921408
The No ‘Poo Method has no doubt helped baking soda sales skyrocket worldwide, but there are concerns that it may be too drying to be used as a shampoo.
So does baking soda have any place in your beauty routine? Surprisingly, yes—it can actually be used to clean your makeup brushes!

7. Pore Strips

There’s nothing more disgustingly satisfying than using pore strips. Unfortunately, they’re not going to help your pores get any cleaner.

Those little bumps left on the strip aren’t dirt, but sebum, which your pores need. Sure, you may remove a few blackheads. But after you remove the sebum, your pores are waiting to be filled by whatever dirt happens to come in contact with them. This may lead to even more blackheads.
A better solution is to treat blackheads with these dermatologist-recommended methods. They will be much gentler on your skin and actually get results.
Using pore strips is kind of like squeezing a pimple. You really want to do it but you know it’s not good for you. Just be aware of the consequences!

8. Dry shampoo

Dry shampoo is basically a miracle product, helping to seriously freshen up your hair between washes. It works by soaking up the grease in your hair, mimicking the appearance of clean locks.
Many people apply dry shampoo in the morning before they leave the house. But the best time to apply it is actually before your hair looks like it needs it.

Applying dry shampoo before you go to bed on a between-washes day means you’ll wake up with much cleaner-looking hair. Similarly, apply it before a sweaty gym session rather than after.
It’s also important not to apply it too close to your roots. Hold the can a good few inches away from your scalp and spray sparingly. Otherwise, you might end up with obvious splotches on your hairline.

9. Brow Products

Whether you use a gel, a pencil, or a powder, technique is crucial to achieving a killer brow. If you literally try to fill them in like you’re attacking a coloring book, you’re bound to end up more Groucho Marx than Cara Delevingne.

Instead, use small, light strokes to draw on natural-looking hairs, focusing on the most sparse areas first.

10. Hairbrush

Brushing your hair shouldn’t be a painful experience. If it is, odds are you’re doing it wrong—and it might just be the cause of all those flyaway hairs.
First of all, never start brushing your hair from your roots. This can cause the bristles to snag on knots and cause breakage. Instead, hold your hair and gently brush from the ends, working your up to the top of your head as you untangle.
If you have curly hair, then your head might resemble more of a frizzy lion’s mane than Marcia Brady’s silky locks. Try brushing your hair only before you get in the shower to avoid breaking your curl pattern.

11. Bobby Pins

Here’s a surprising fact: Almost every single one of us is using bobby pins upside down.

Ever noticed how bobby pins have a bumpy side to them? That’s the side that’s supposed to face down in order to grip your hair. No wonder they always fall out!

12. Eyelash Curler

If you’re not using an eyelash curler, then you should seriously consider it. This nifty little tool can make you look more awake and wide-eyed and can perfectly complement the right mascara.

However, make sure you’re not curling your eyelashes at the wrong step of your beauty routine. Curl those lashes before mascara, not after. Otherwise, your lashes can get stuck to the clamps, pulling them right off your eyelid and leaving mascara all over your curler.
Oh, and since it comes in such close contact with your eyes, make sure to clean it regularly. Eye infections are not a great look.

13. Perfume

Many people believe that applying perfume to “pulse points,” such as the wrists or neck, can unlock the subtle notes in a perfume’s scent. Unfortunately, this is garbage science with no real merit.

As for rubbing your wrists together? It doesn’t exactly “bruise” those scent molecules, but it does produce heat, which can cause the perfume to evaporate faster. You’re probably not going to enjoy the smell quite as long as if you left it alone.
There are some lesser known but super effective places you can apply perfume instead—like your hair.

14. Heat Tools

Even if you apply a heat protectant beforehand, you may still be committing some major sins when it comes to using heat tools.
When it comes to blow drying or straightening you hair, maximum heat does not equal maximum style. Dial down that temperature and save your hair the damage.
According to Kyselica, women have been curling their hair for eons. But they didn’t always use heat.
“Curly hair has been popular all throughout history,” she says. “And since curling irons weren’t that easy to use for a long time—they were literally irons, which you’d heat in the fire or over a stove, eek!—ladies resorted to overnight curling methods.”

Whether you’re looking to achieve vintage pin curls or the more frizz-tastic 18th-century paper curls, you’d be surprised at what you can achieve without the use of heat tools.
“The key is to start with damp hair and a setting product,” says Kyselica. “Separate the hair into even sections, twist each section into a curl and secure it according to the method you’re using. Then allow your hair to dry and set overnight.”
The result? Beautiful curls with no damage whatsoever. Trust me: your ends will thank you.
“Overnight curling is much better for the hair than heat styling, and often tends to last longer as well,” she says. “Definitely a lost treasure, if you ask me!”

15. Conditioner

Unless you’re following the Curly Girl Method and co-washing, you should never apply conditioner to your roots. Your scalp probably produces enough oil, and adding more may leave you with greasy hair.
Focus on the mid-lengths and ends when applying conditioner. Make sure to leave it in for a couple of minutes before rinsing it out so it can really work its magic on your hair.
The best part about washing your hair this way? Your hair stays much cleaner for longer. You’re welcome.

Tags 50036731, body, Commerce, hemingway

Wellbeing

Real Misconceptions That Men Have Had About Menstruation

Post author By Brooke Geller
Post date November 13, 2017

Allow me to set the scene for you. It’s a Wednesday afternoon at Wirth-Parks Middle School in Cahokia, Illinois. Police have been called to attend to a gruesome discovery by the school’s janitor. An excruciating three hours pass. The coroner is called in. This doesn’t look good.
What exactly did that janitor find in the girls’ bathroom? A used menstrual pad.

Of course, he didn’t realize that’s what it was at first. The janitor—and apparently the local police—suspected it was actually fetal remains. They even sent it away to get tested at a lab. Spoiler alert: It was just period blood.
As crazy as that story is, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that so many men were unable to recognize the sight of period blood. When it comes to menstruation, men are often left in the dark—willingly or otherwise.
Not convinced? Then you’d better prepare for a rude awakening. Who knows, you might even learn a thing or two.

1. Period pain comes from the birth canal.

Katie Atkins is a 37-year-old artist with a 31-year-old partner who recently revealed that he didn’t fully understand the deal with period pain.

“He thought women got pain inside—like, the ‘lining’ of the sides,” she says. “Basically where a tampon goes. Because he heard the word lining, I guess.”
“I burst out with crazy laughter and was like, ‘I’m not laughing AT you, I promise.'”
For the record: Periods can cause discomfort in other areas like the lower belly and the back, but the actual cramps are caused by contractions in the uterus. The pain can range anywhere from mild to severe and it is true that some lucky women don’t experience them at all.

2. Period blood can be held in, like urine.

Contrary to popular belief, getting your period is not the same as urinating. Nevertheless, some men believe that it is, in fact, very similar to urinating.

How? As this Reddit post posits, women somehow have the ability to hold in their period blood. Which would mean that any woman who accidentally leaks on her clothing, mattress, or any other surface is willfully soiling herself.
For the record: Women have absolutely no control over when their period happens. There is no pause button. We wish there were a pause button. Somebody, please, invent a pause button.

3. All women get their periods at the exact same time of the month.

Have you ever noticed that all women everywhere are mysteriously moody, sporting hot water bottles and reluctant to engage in strenuous physical activity at the exact same time every month? Yeah, me neither.

This in itself should be enough to make you realize that women aren’t all “synced up” like clockwork, but apparently not. One woman posted on Twitter that her male co-worker thought all women menstruated at the same time at the end of each calendar month.
For the record: Every woman is different, and no two women share exactly the same cycle. There has been some research to suggest that women who live together can sometimes “sync up” on their cycles (a process referred to as menstrual synchrony) but the jury is still out on that.

4. Premenstrual syndrome is a myth.

This is one misconception that I personally wish were true. Unfortunately, it isn’t. But that doesn’t stop some men from believing it. Apparently we’re incapable of experiencing either extreme pleasure or pain.

I had the misconception that the media had played up PMS and that it was a bit of an excuse to vent.

Jhey Aymes, a 37-year-old father of two, didn’t buy into the “PMS myth” conspiracy, but he did feel that it was a tad exaggerated.
“My first serious girlfriend, who I was with from 16 till 23, had very mild periods and not much mood fluctuation,” he says. “So I had the misconception that the media had played up PMS and that it was a bit of an excuse to vent. I have since had partners who are very debilitated by their cycles and know its a gamut.”

Nowadays, Aymes is a father of a toddler and a teenager, and has made sure both his kids are fully educated on menstruation.
For the record: Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS) is a broad term that describes the physical and emotional symptoms that can occur a few days before a woman’s menstrual cycle including cramps, mood swings, and headaches. There is actually some debate about whether the cause of PMS is more biological or psychological, but it remains a widely recognized condition in the medical community. A more severe form of PMS called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) does appear in the DSM-5.

5. Period blood attracts grizzly bears.

No, it’s not just an iconic line from Anchorman. Many men are genuinely concerned that being in the presence of a menstruating woman may put them at risk of encountering dangerous wild animals, such as bears or sharks. Supposedly this fear can be traced back to a bear attack in Montana in 1967 which left two women dead, one of whom was having her period at the time.

For the record: This misconception is so pervasive that the National Park Service published research to show that no, grizzly bears are not interested in your tampon.

6. You can squeeze blood out of a menstruating woman by hugging her too tightly.

As much as I wish I’d read this on the internet, unfortunately I had to experience this firsthand when a male friend did indeed hug me a little too tightly.

I winced and asked him not to do that, as I was having my period. I assumed he would know that I was trying to tell him I was in pain and that a tight hug may hurt me.
He immediately released me, a horrified look on his face, before comparing me—in all seriousness—to a sauce bottle. That’s right: He thought that if he squeezed me too tight, he would squeeze the blood out of my body.
For the record: Period blood can’t be forced out. As stated above, women don’t have any control over how much blood comes out or when.

7. You can’t get a woman pregnant during her period.

This is one menstruation misconception that even women are guilty of believing (which is dangerous, considering that it can result in, well, pregnancy).

For the record: The risk of pregnancy while menstruating is very low but can be higher depending on the length of a woman’s cycle. Sperm also has the ability to survive for quite a long time in the body, so you could end up with a fertilized egg days later, especially if you have a shorter cycle.

8. Every cycle is the same.

Andrew Hann, a 58-year-old carpenter, believes he has a pretty open mind and had always been quite confident in his knowledge of women’s anatomy. But even he admits to once having some misconceptions of his own.

“The only misconception I can think of pertaining to a woman’s period is that it was for a day or two,” he says. “Not sure where I got that one, but I found out later that not all women experience the same duration or intensity and that it does affect hormones and mood for up to close to a week.”
For the record: There is no “normal” period length. It varies from woman to woman, and the menstrual cycle might occur every 21 to 35 days and last two to seven days. These cycles can be regular (the same length every month) or differ from month to month.

Why do men think these things?

It’s hard to believe that someone who received comprehensive sex education at school could believe any of the things on this list. And yet it seems that some men are learning much of what they know about periods from their significant others. At the same time, they’re failing to understand how differently each woman experiences her cycle.
Both Hann and Aymes admitted to showing an interest in learning about physiology from a young age, reading books and asking their parents questions. Hann also believes he received adequate sex education from his public school. As for his friends, he assumes their knowledge of menstruation probably isn’t lacking.
“The men I know probably wouldn’t have gaps because we are older now and have had ample time to learn, although there are still some that won’t go near it,” he says. “This is a difficult question because I can’t ever remember talking in detail about it with other men.”

Atkins thinks that the gaps in her partner’s knowledge may be caused by his inadequate sex education.
“I feel like they didn’t talk too much about things like periods when he was growing up, and he’s too polite to ask,” she said. “He said he was a tiny bit embarrassed and pretty much acknowledged that he didn’t get taught this kind of stuff at school.”
And then, of course, there are online communities that actively perpetuate mistruths about women’s bodies and reproduction in order to degrade and shame them. Let’s not mention them by name.

Anti-feminists aside, there’s still the issue of men who simply aren’t aware of the scientific facts. Their formal sex ed classes may be long behind them, so how can men be expected to learn what they don’t know?
The answer might be honest discussion about menstruation from both men and women.

It’s hard to see your own blind spots.

“It’s hard to see your own blind spots,” says Aymes. “I think that the whole thing has been somewhat normalized but also has a ways to go. I mostly interact with women and have not had many discussions with males about it, but if many women still think it’s ‘gross’ and struggle to express what they need in that time, then I am sure there are men who are confused and perpetuating negative stereotypes.”

Tags 50036761, body, hemingway

Lifestyle

Stop Microwaving Your Sponges (And 7 Other Cleaning "Hacks" That Just Don't Work)

Post author By Brooke Geller
Post date November 9, 2017

Remember the good old days before Pinterest? When hacks were still called tips and if you wanted a recipe for lasagna you’d just call your grandmother? Those days are all but a distant memory now, though truth be told, it’s actually quite handy living in the age of information.

But with so many domestic lifehacks populating the internet, there’s no guarantee that every single one of them will work.

Sadly, it seems that a few homemaker blogs are more invested in making that Pinterest pin look pretty than testing out their “mind-blowing” cleaning hacks.

Afraid your Pinterest board might be nothing more than a digital scrapbook of lies? Maybe you should be. Check out these worryingly ineffective cleaning hacks and see what you might be doing wrong.

1. Microwave sponges to kill bacteria.

Your microwave might just be the handiest gadget in your entire kitchen. Did you know that microwaving water is the most energy-efficient way to boil it?

As effective as they are at reheating dinner, one thing microwaves are not great at is blasting the bacteria right out of a dirty kitchen sponge.

It’s not too much of a stretch to assume that microwaving a sponge would help to kill bacteria. After all, we make sure we heat food all the way through to kill bacteria, right?

This is what researchers thought about 10 years ago. A 2006 University of Florida study found that “two minutes of microwaving is sufficient for most sterilization.” Since then, dozens of blog posts have raved about the benefits of regularly zapping sponges.

But more recent research revealed that the average kitchen sponge actually harbors a lot more bacteria than previously thought. So much, in fact, that the kitchen is actually the most bacteria-ridden room in your house—even worse than the toilet.

Kitchen sponges are also responsible for the spread of bacteria to people and other surfaces when they’re used, thanks to the fact that they’re frequently touched and used to wipe down counters and dishes.

Although microwaving does help to kill a lot of that bacteria, this recent study found that “no method alone seemed to be able to achieve a general bacterial reduction of more than about 60%.”

The same study even showed that frequent attempts to clean sponges also increased the amount of certain bacteria, since they become more resistant to these sanitation methods over time.

Do this instead: So what exactly is the best method to clean a kitchen sponge? Considering persistent attempts to clean them can end up doing more harm than good, it’s better to simply replace them regularly—about once a week. Otherwise your kitchen may just become a breeding ground for super-resistant bacteria, putting you and your family’s health at risk.

2. Remove hair dye stains with potatoes.

The most daunting aspect of dyeing your hair with box dye is not knowing how it’s going to turn out. The second scariest part is the messy aftermath all over your bathroom.

Hair dye stains are one of the most annoying things to get rid of. The dye can wreak havoc on porcelain, especially if it happens to be porous. And if your basin is cream colored rather than white, you might feel reluctant to bust out the bleach and end up with even more discolored splotches.

A much less risky method is rubbing a slice of potato on the stain. Potatoes contain something called oxalic acid, which can naturally lift stains and even rust. But they’re no miracle solution.

First of all, yes, oxalic acid is an ingredient used in many cleaning products. But potatoes have a relatively low oxalic acid content compared with many other vegetables, such as turnips or even Brussels sprouts. So their popularity as the go-to stain removal veggie doesn’t quite add up.

Second, even the most oxalic acid–rich vegetables will have a very gentle effect on stains. This may be enough to lift temporary hair dye off your sink, but it’s not going to do much when it comes to permanent or semi-permanent dye stains.

Do this instead: There are dedicated stain-removal products that will lift even the darkest hair dye stain off your bathroom tiles. Stain removal pens use both a concentrated cleaning solution and micro-scrubbers to really lift those pesky spots.

Emma Couch is a professional cleaner who knows a thing or two about banishing stains. The 28-year-old has worked in pubs, hotels, and private homes, scrubbing away every possible mess imaginable for over five years. Before you bust out the specialty products, she says you might want to try her method first: good old elbow grease. “The best way to remove stains in a sink is some gumption, fine steel wool, and, as an old lady I once cleaned for always used to say, ‘a bit of elbow grease.'”

3. Remove rust with Coca-Cola.

Here’s the thing: Coca-Cola (or any soda, really) does have the ability to remove rust. But dousing something in Coke is far less cost effective than buying an actual rust-removal product.

Not to mention it will leave behind a sticky residue because of all that sugar. If you’re trying to steer clear of strong cleaning products, you can always try regular soda water instead. It’s just as effective as Coke, and the carbonation will help to lift the rust.

4. Use newspaper to clean glass.

For the budget or environmentally conscious, paper towels are an unnecessary expense. But using old newspapers to wipe away window cleaner isn’t exactly an effective alternative. The ink in the print can easily run when wet, leaving even more smudges on the glass.

Do this instead: Trying to cut down on waste? Microfiber window-cleaning cloths are a great substitute for paper towels. Just make sure they haven’t been washed with fabric softener first, or else you might leave a film on the glass.

5. Put lemon peels in the garbage disposal to eliminate odors.

Garbage disposals are one of the trickiest parts of a kitchen to clean. You might be tempted to stuff something down there to neutralize unwanted odors. But whatever you do, don’t use lemon rinds.

A nasty-smelling garbage disposal could be the result of a clogged drain. And if your drains are smelling bad due to buildup, it’s counterintuitive to stuff more food down there.

Do this instead: If you do insist on treating the odor, make sure to use a liquid or powder form to prevent the problem from worsening.

More importantly, have your drains inspected for clogs or use a product designed to clear them out. Treat the cause, not just the symptom!

6. Use vinegar as a disinfectant.

Vinegar is often touted as the ultimate natural cleaning agent. But is it an effective disinfectant? Not exactly.

Much like baking soda and even tea tree oil, vinegar has the ability to kill a lot of bacteria, including the flu virus. Unfortunately, it’s not capable of killing some forms of very harmful bacteria, such as Salmonella.

Do this instead: You can still use vinegar as a cleaning product. But be aware that it won’t sufficiently sterilize everything. To eliminate the presence of dangerous bacteria, always make sure to scrub your kitchenware with very hot, soapy water.

And if you’re looking for a more effective natural disinfectant, Couch says you might want to consider eucalyptus oil.

“My favorite disinfectant is eucalyptus oil,” she says. “A lot of people really aren’t aware of how good that stuff is at killing bacteria.”

7. Clean wood furniture with tea.

We all know you can’t wash your wooden furniture with just any old surface cleaner. You have to take care not to damage the wood itself.

Tea may seem like a gentle, natural way to freshen up your furniture, but it could do more harm than good. Different kinds of finish require different methods of cleaning. Black tea will stain most unpainted wood. Unless you’re going for a natural tint, put the kettle down!

Do this instead: Wooden furniture is actually very simple to clean. Just dust it down with a dry cloth regularly, as water can dampen and damage the wood.

8. Salt will stop dye from running in the wash.

There’s nothing worse than discovering your entire load of laundry has become stained by dye running off a new item of clothing. Unless you’re overly fond of wearing the same shade of baby pink, you need to protect your clothes from accidental dye disaster.

Salt has the ability to act as a natural mordant—that is, it fixes the dye and stops it from running. But throwing a cup of salt in the washing machine won’t do the trick. This is because salt is only useful for specific types of fabric and dyeing techniques.

Do this instead: Always hand-wash a new item of clothing to get rid of any excess dye that wasn’t properly “sealed” during the manufacturing process. If you find it’s still bleeding dye after the first wash, then you’re better off just sticking to hand-washing whenever you need to clean it.

The most underrated method to prevent dye from running is to follow the care instructions on each garment, especially in regard to temperature.

Cleaning Hacks That Actually Work

By now you’re probably feeling a little disillusioned by the whole “cleaning hack” thing. Fortunately, there are still plenty of tips and tricks that really do work.

Check out these effective hacks and get ready to level up your cleaning game.

1. Microwave a bowl of lemons and water to clean it.

Do you hate scrubbing away at the crusted-on food in your microwave? Good news: Now you never have to do that again! Simply cut a lemon in half, place it in a bowl of water and microwave on high for two minutes. The steam from the boiling water will loosen up all the gunk, meaning all you have to do is wipe it off with a cloth. Easy!

The lemons also make your microwave smell like citrus. It won’t last too long, but it’ll make the cleaning experience a lot easier to endure.

2. Use eucalyptus oil to remove sticker residue.

If you’re guilty of hoarding old jars, then you’ll know how hard it is to remove the residue left by the label. Lucky for us, eucalyptus oil isn’t just great at killing bacteria. It makes quick work of those labels and is actually a super versatile product.

“It’s great for so many other cleaning things,” says Couch. “Removing chewing gum from carpet, a few drops added to mopping water to help remove any stickiness from floorboards and tiles, removing stubborn labels from glass jars. And it smells so good!”

3. Soap nuts are a natural soap alternative.

Soap nuts are hailed as the magical, all-natural replacement for pretty much any cleaning product imaginable. Dishwashing liquid, floor cleaner, even shampoo!

They’re not actually a nut, but the dried outer casing of a berry. They contain naturally occurring saponin, otherwise known as soap. When combined with water, they produce bubbles and that slippery feeling that you get from regular soap. This helps to lift grime and grease.

Their all-rounder status means you get to cut down on the amount of products you use, which aligns perfectly with Couch’s motto: simplicity.

So many people tend to buy 20 different products to clean a few things at home.

“My biggest tip would be to keep things simple,” she says. “So many people tend to buy 20 different products to clean a few things at home. So many cleaning products you see on the shelves are total wastes of money. A lot of cleaners and sprays can be used for multiple purposes, and a lot of things can actually be made at home.”

Tags 50036711, care, hemingway

Sweat

When Yoga Is Actually Just Cultural Appropriation

Post author By Brooke Geller
Post date October 31, 2017

When you think of “yoga culture,” you may very well picture a thin, most likely white woman clad in $80 lululemon leggings, green juice in hand as she heads to her boutique yoga class. Perhaps this imaginary woman bears a striking similarity to former model Tara Stiles, who’s now one of the most famous yoga teachers in the world.
In reality, the yoga culture that most people in America are familiar with is a far throw from the practice’s origins. Hailing from India, yoga is said to have originated thousands of years ago. It is thought, religion, and philosophy all embodied in movement—a practice so multi-faceted that it’s hard to describe with words.
While many of today’s Western yoga teachers are more than happy to string up prayer flags in their studios and exercise their limited vocabulary of Sanskrit words for each pose, it’s not quite as close to the real deal as it could be.

And this is where the problem lies: cultural appropriation.

What exactly is cultural appropriation?

Western society’s fascination with other cultures often pushes boundaries to the point of being offensive. Cultural appropriation has become one of the most talked-about subjects both on the internet and in real life, and for good reason.
But what is cultural appropriation? Dictionary definitions are often limiting, but Oxford Dictionaries actually explains it pretty well: “The unacknowledged or inappropriate adoption of the customs, practices, ideas, etc. of one people or society by members of another and typically more dominant people or society.”

Everything from hairstyles to headdresses have been involved in accusations of cultural appropriation, and the debate is never-ending.
Some people would argue that some forms of cultural appropriation are more damaging than others—for example, adopting sacred customs from marginalized cultures for fashion (such as Native American feather headdresses).

Others say that even adopting everyday cultural aspects from a group that could be considered a minority isn’t okay. Remember when Miley Cyrus started twerking and was accused of appropriating black culture?
Whether it’s slang or clothing, the cultures those things originated from have all, at some point, experienced discrimination for associating with these cultural markers. And therein lies the difference between appreciation and appropriation.
This is why it can be hurtful when Western people use these cultural markers. They’re borrowing an important part of a culture’s identity and benefitting from it, while the original culture continues to experience persecution for doing the very same thing.
[pullquote align=”center”]”Yoga is not about the yoga pants. It’s not about getting a yoga butt.”
-nisha ahuja[/pullquote]
There’s no denying that Indian culture has been highly appropriated by the West. Bindis, henna, and the Om symbol have all become fashion trends in recent years. And while many people understand the potential problem with adopting these things as fashion symbols, the same careful thought is rarely given to yoga—despite the fact that it’s one of the oldest parts of India’s history.

The Cultural Origins (and Erasure) of Yoga

To understand the potential for yoga to be culturally appropriated, it’s important to acknowledge its historical significance.
The spiritual custom of yoga was practiced throughout India for thousands of years and was strongly connected to wisdom, philosophy, and mastery of the mind. It wasn’t so much about physicality as it was energy.

Under British rule, practices like yoga and Ayurveda were demonized and even banned in India. This was just one of many steps taken to erase and control Indian culture during colonization.
British rule of India officially ended in 1947. Just over a decade later, as India was still working to reclaim and rebuild their culture, yoga was trending in America thanks to the New Age obsession of the ’60s.
Nowadays, yoga in the West looks very different. It’s mostly viewed as a form of exercise—ever heard the term “yoga body”? Luxury yoga retreats can cost thousands of dollars; every man and his dog are becoming certified yoga teachers; YouTube videos offer yoga classes to anyone with an internet connection, garnering millions of views; “drinking yoga” classes are now a thing in Germany (though this is hardly surprising considering Germany’s love affair with libations).
Amidst all of this, Indian yoga teachers are still the minority in today’s Western yoga culture.

For Indian teachers like nisha ahuja, co-founder and co-director of SOMA Ayurveda and Integrative Wellness, the way that ancient practices like yoga have been adopted into Western culture can be difficult to deal with.
“Witnessing Ayurveda and yoga become more of a trend brings up complex emotions,” she says. “There is part hope of societal transformation, but given how these medicine/spiritual systems are being practiced, it is often painful. It is painful to witness these 5,000-year-old medicine systems and spiritual paths—that my ancestors could have been killed or imprisoned for practicing during colonial rule that many teachers had to secretly keep alive—now being sold as a diluted version to be consumed by the masses and thus becoming void of its essential purpose as a spiritual path.”

Even when the spiritual purpose of yoga is acknowledged, it’s often misappropriated by those with no cultural ties to its history:
“It is equally painful when these practices/medicines/sciences are revered as spiritual paths, but Western teachers or practitioners have placed themselves or accepted the position of being spiritual leaders and gate keepers to traditions that South Asian people in that region diasporically have to navigate.”
We use these funds ahuja has spoken at length about decolonizing yoga. In fact, SOMA uses donations from its supporters and customers “to support sliding scale appointments and youth programs with marginalized youth in both the West and India (hopefully South Africa soon), so that more young folks who are excluded from the Western Yoga Industry can have holistic access to the teachings.”

She also appeared in a video on the subject called You Are Here: Exploring Yoga and the Impacts of Cultural Appropriation. She’s a firm believer that appropriation of many cultures is a product of colonization.
“It is important to recognize that this is not happening in isolation, but comes from a long history of colonization and a subconscious sense of entitlement embedded in Western/colonizing cultures of owning and having what others have,” she says. “Today, at this moment, this is widely seen in the consumption of African American cultures and cultures of the indigenous peoples of North America, and other People of Colour.”
It isn’t just Indian yoga culture that’s being exploited, either. Yoga’s diverse cultural roots are often ignored.

“Kemetic Yoga from East Africa is rarely recognized within yogic traditions by South Asian people, as well as in the ‘trendy’ yoga industry we see all around us,” ahuja says. “And I imagine for black diasporic people this is doubly painful to have another place of erasure.”
Yoga in India today is a little different from both modern American practices and its own cultural origins. There’s still a lot of debate in India over how yoga should be taught and practiced. But regardless of the debate, yoga in India is far from a fashion statement or gym alternative. It was always primarily a spiritual practice—not, as ahuja says, a method of getting a “yoga butt.”
“Yoga is not about the yoga pants,” she says. “It’s not about getting a yoga butt. It’s not about competition. It’s not aerobics or a good workout. It is not about attachment to the body. So make time to learn, study and practice the depth of the teachings of yogic paths from both South Asia and East African Kemetic Yoga traditions.”

The Appeal of the Exotic

Western wellness culture has an undeniable fascination with India. Ayurveda has become popular among proponents of natural medicine, and meditation—while not exclusively part of Indian culture—is experiencing a serious boom in popularity thanks to the mindfulness trend.
The documentary Kumaré perfectly captures America’s fascination with Indian spirituality. American-born Vikram Gandhi impersonates a spiritual teacher in order to verify if Americans will blindly accept his “teachings” as a supposedly wise, sacred Eastern guru, despite not knowing anything about him or what he’s talking about. (Spoiler alert: they do.)

Where does this fascination come from, and how is it causing yoga to be appropriated in both practice and beyond? One explanation that ahuja gives is that this obsession with yoga’s exoticism is a reflection of how Westerners hold onto the notion of “other”—a desire for the mysterious.
She also thinks that Westerners may feel more comfortable turning to Eastern practices in search of stress relief and spiritual connection rather than their own cultural roots—something that brings a sense of achievement.
“There are many European spiritual traditions that have that potential to offer this deeper connection, but many people of those lineages have also been severed from their ancestral traditions and knowledge systems,” she says. “So turning to another culture that has already been colonized allows a subconscious, continual extracting of parts of spirituality that suit their individual need for something more or for better health.”

Are Western yogis honoring or appropriating Indian culture?

It’s not that Western yogis—especially white women—should be banned from practicing yoga. Like many Indian yoga teachers, ahuja firmly believes that yoga is something that can benefit all of humanity, regardless of ethnicity.
But the problem lies in the commercialization of these culturally significant practices. Turning them into money-making schemes in the West tends to benefit those who are already in places of privilege.

It’s all too easy to claim that cultural appropriation is simply “political correctness gone wild.” But as ahuja points out, it’s important to remember the subconscious sense of entitlement that comes with an inherited position of power.
What about using yoga purely as a physical practice without the spiritual connotations? Well, that’s kind of the exact definition of cultural appropriation—taking one single aspect of a culture out of context.
That’s not to say that yoga can’t be practiced for physical purposes. But it certainly doesn’t hurt to acknowledge the rich philosophy and culture behind this ancient tradition.

One way to consciously practice yoga while acknowledging its roots is to include just one small but powerful element of its core philosophy: humility.
“Invite immense flows of humility into your day to day and your yoga practice,” ahuja says. “If you think you know a lot, are an awesome yoga practitioner, want to be known as a great yoga teacher, pause and witness the dance your ego is doing that it is leading you down a path that is the opposite of yogic teachings.”
She continues, “If others put you on a pedestal as someone who knows a lot about yoga or mediation, actively point out the 5,000-year-old traditions that millions of people have observed and practiced and maintained before you. And remind yourself of it, too.”
As for the Indian garb? Well, maybe leave that at home—unless you’re in an appropriate environment to be wearing it, of course.

“Because racism is an atrocious and painful experience People of Colour are subject to on a daily basis in the West,” she says, “be thoughtful of not wearing South Asian or other diasporic clothing, accessories, or spiritual items as either fashion or an attempt to pay homage to a culture, because the people from that culture very likely are discriminated against for wearing the exact same items and may have had to stop wearing these to lessen the racist encounters they deal with on a day to day basis. An exception to note here is when you are visiting a country or ceremony of a specific culture, it may be more respectful to wear clothing [from] that culture.”
nisha ahuja chooses to spell her name with lowercase letters for cultural reasons. You can read more about her journey and work here.

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