Girl meets boy, boy meets boy, or girl meets girl—it’s that simple, right? Well, not exactly.
If you’re finding yourself having trouble meeting people or you’re striking out over and over on your dates, you may be unintentionally sending out a vibe that’s actually making you appear less attractive.
Here are a few of the surprising things that make you less attractive to others, according to the experts.
1. Bad Grammar
Yup, that’s right. A bad grasp of the English language—or maybe whatever language you’re using to woo a potential mate—can be a turn-off to a romantic interest, especially if you’re active in the online dating arena.
One study found that the majority of men and women admitted that they reject online suitors solely because of bad grammar and misspellings in their dating profiles. 75 percent of a whopping 9,000 online daters polled in the study also said that they would most definitely reject a suitor who failed to pass a fifth grade spelling bee.
(For the record, my oldest is in fourth grade and I’m willing to testify that some of those spelling words are harder than you would think…)
So what exactly is it about bad grammar that turns people off? Apparently, aside from the fact that it shows a lack of education, bad grammar and things like lazy spelling and a lack of punctuation (yes, for real, periods are a big deal!) signify a lack of interest.
If you’re not committed enough to close out the sentences in your dating profile or Tinder text with periods, are you really committed enough to have an adult relationship?
2. Your Youthful Looks
While you may think that appearing youthful is an advantage in the dating world, it turns out that isn’t always the case.
One study found that when individuals are born to parents who are over the age of 30, they are less likely to be attracted to people with “young faces” and tend to be be more attracted to potential partners whose faces show signs of aging.
Distinguished trumps youth in this case. And the preference for older faces may win out as the population becomes more saturated with people born to so-called older parents. For the first time ever, more women in their thirties are having babies than their 20-something counterparts are. You do the math.
3. The Shirt on Your Back
That’s right, folks. If you’re a man looking to attract a woman, you may want to consider donning a red shirt. This study shows that women perceive men in red as more powerful and attractive, and those are two important characteristics when choosing a mate.
4. Cake-up
Urban legend that men prefer women with less makeup—whatever that means—has now been verified by at least one study out of the UK. This is not to say that men are necessarily put off by makeup, but that they prefer makeup that looks more natural.
Fortunately, it doesn’t matter what any man or woman thinks of you if you wear makeup, since um, it’s your face. I’m just here to tell you the facts, after all.
5. Your Appetite
One study found that hungry men perceived women with higher body weights as being more attractive. Once those men had something to eat and no longer reported being hungry, they no longer reported finding those same women quite as attractive.
I’m not sure what lesson to take away from this fact, however, as I’m a big advocate for 1) looking however you want to look and 2) not being hungry.
6. Your Table Manners
Speaking of hunger, watch what you do when you’re scarfing down food in front of a potential romantic interest. Sujeiry Gonzalez, 39, founder of Love Sujeiry and on-air reVolver Podcasts host, recounts a story of being completely grossed out by the man she was on a date with.
“I was instantly turned off by a man I briefly dated (and was secretly in love with) after a revealing lunch date,” she confesses. “And by revealing, I mean he exposed the food in his mouth. The man I thought was ‘the one’ chewed like a horse, mouth all open and teeth exposed. Eek!”
7. A Smidge of Stubble Versus a Boastworthy Beard
While both gay men and straight women prefer men whose faces appear more masculine, guys don’t have much control over whether they’re blessed with prominent brows and strong jawlines or not.
What they do have conrtrol over: the type of facial hair they choose to sport.
Studies have shown that heterosexual women prefer men with one very specific type of facial hair.
So sorry clean-shaven men and those of you with long beards—one study of Australian women found that they all considered men with heavy stubble more attractive than men without facial hair or those with heavy facial hair.
The key, of course, is to maintain a nice, even amount of facial hair that’s not too patchy.
8. Flashing a Smile (or Not)
In what winds up being a rather confusing study, men rated smiling women as more attractive, while women rated smiling men as less attractive. Women reported finding men more attractive when they displayed signs of “pride,” like a slight smile and a raised fist, instead of flashing their pearly whites.
(Is anyone else wondering what gives with this one???)
9. Your ‘tude
When it comes to dating, there is no such thing as “fake it ’til you make it,” says Gonzalez. “Whether you’re online dating or meet someone through a friend or at a bar, people can smell fakeness,” she explains.
“The more you try, the more you’ll pretend to be someone you’re not and the more people will see right through your bluff. And, of course, when I advise others to be confident, I don’t mean to be arrogant and aloof. You must be open to finding love. You must be open to attracting a mate. Be confident in your skin and honest about who you are while smiling a dazzling smile, and remaining positive and hopeful [about] the possibilities.”
10. Too Much Personality
Although it may seem like dating means putting your best foot (or face?) forward and showing off your assets, don’t discount the importance of humility.
“The most attractive thing to me is humility, so when a guy I went on a first date years ago bragged about his six-figure salary and BMW, I threw up a little in my mouth,” admits Gonzalez.
“Mr. Bravado, as I like to call him, truly believed that fancy cars and piles of money would woo me. Instead, I slurped my spaghetti with meat sauce … and hightailed [it out] the door.”
Dr. Rachel Needle, a licensed psychologist at the Center for Marital and Sexual Health of South Florida, also believes in the power of humility. “Confidence is a trait that is often attractive [but] so is being humble,” she explains. “Appear confident but humble.”
11. Your Undiscovered Hobby
While physical features and even things that we aren’t really aware of—like our bodies’ pheromones—have a direct impact on how attractive we are to people, true attraction to another human is much more complex than grooming habits or skeletal structure.
In fact, one study found that the single most attractive trait about an individual is actually their creativity. Test subjects were more likely to rate people portrayed as having creative pursuits and passions as attractive.
The study also showed that was more true for women seeking men, meaning women found men depicted as creative significantly more attractive, whereas men did not necessarily rate creative women as more attractive.
Either way, creativity and a passion for something other than yourself—or even your mate—is definitely sexy. “Oftentimes people are more attracted to those who are passionate about something,” Needle explains. “When people are excited and passionate about their interests, it can be attractive.”
What You Need to Know About Yourself in Order to Share Your True Appeal With Others
Fortunately, there are ways that you can make yourself more attractive—and in some instances, they have nothing to do with your appearance. According to Gonzalez, two non-physical traits that instantly make someone more attractive are also two of the most surprising: humor and grammar (which we already touched on).
That’s right, the ability to make your partner laugh will go a long ways when the good looks fade. However, even humor is very individualized.
“Some studies have found that women are more attracted to those who make them laugh,” Needle says. “But remember that sense of humor is also based on an individual. So what one person finds funny, another may not.”
And when those inevitable fights happen down the line, your partner may be angry with you, but he or she might still find you irresistible if you use your semicolons properly or crack a perfectly timed joke. It’s the little things that count in a relationship, right?
Perhaps most importantly, you should put your best self forward and have confidence when seeking a partner or romantic match, no matter what the scientific studies may tell you.
“Be confident, says Gonzalez. “Whatever your momma gave you, be proud of it and work on it. We can all get plastic surgery to have the ‘perfect’ face and body, but then we’d be clones and seek out what’s different. Just because a study discovered that a woman with long hair or a man with great abs is most attractive, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t someone who isn’t going to love your bob or dad bod. If you’re confident in who you are inside and out, and what you contribute to a relationship, plus know you’re worthy of all that is good and loving, suitors will flock to you like bees to honey.”