Author: Cindy Lamothe

When Daddy Feels The Kicks: A Look At Sympathetic Pregnancy

Post author By Cindy Lamothe
Post date February 7, 2019

Known more simply as “sympathetic pregnancy,” couvade syndrome describes cases where male partners of pregnant women begin to experience symptoms similar to pregnancy, explains Connie Alford, MD, a Naples-based fertility specialist at Florida’s IVFMD. She notes, however, that couvade syndrome is not a recognized physical or mental disorder—there’s not a lot of scientific research on the subject.
Regardless of whether Couvade syndrome is medically recognized or not, for those who experience it, the symptoms are more than real. Want proof? Just take a look at this Reddit thread of those who have gone through it or whose partners have.

HealthyWay — iStock.com/mihailomilovanovic

For Redditor u/newtothisdadthing, symptoms are a little more disruptive than you’d expect:
“My wife is having a difficult pregnancy in terms of nausea. Our OB assured us that it’s nothing to worry about and can even be a sign of healthiness. Every pregnancy is unique, etc. There’s nothing to worry about in the bigger picture, and I do everything I can to make her as comfortable as possible.
“The strange part is that I’m doing it, too. There are days that I wake up violently ill and I can’t keep anything down all morning. I don’t feel sick otherwise, just the vomiting. So much vomiting. I don’t know what’s causing it.”

But he has a possible answer:
“Listening to it all the time might be a factor. Maybe her hormonal changes are putting out some kind of pheromone that affects me on a biological level. Maybe it’s all in my head. I had no idea.”

Is sympathetic pregnancy real?

Being named after the French verb couver, which translates to hatch or “to brood,” is pretty fitting for a phenomenon that has only recently received attention from biologists.
“There is no known physical cause of couvade syndrome, but it could be due to antepartum changes in the male hormonal profile—cortisol, testosterone, estrogen, and prolactin—that are associated with the typical symptoms,” Alford explained. She notes, however, that these changes may be “initiated by the increased anxiety associated with the upcoming change in the family unit.”

That sounds like a reasonable explanation. Researcher Arthur Brennan takes it a step further. In his article for the Washington Post, he attributes the condition to a “man’s envy of the woman’s procreative ability.”
“The event may cause regression,” Brennan wrote. “The man’s retreat to childhood feelings and conflicts triggered by his partner’s pregnancy, such as rejection, exclusion, ambivalence and anxiety—with a sense of passivity and dependency that is intensified by the developing foetus and which conflicts with the man’s need for autonomy.”
While estimates of the frequency of the syndrome are difficult to come by because of the low rate of reporting symptoms, Brennan’s 2007 study found that between 25 to 52 percent of all men whose partners were pregnant experienced the phenomenon. “It affects biological fathers particularly during the first and third trimesters of pregnancy with cessation of symptoms after birth,” Brennan and his co-authors wrote.

“Collectively, these symptoms may signify an empathic identification with a pregnant partner and to the man’s unborn child, but the [sic] could also be a resolution of unconscious thoughts that might threaten both,” Brennan outlined in his Washington Post article.
Along similar lines, Katherine E. Wynne-Edwards, a biology professor and researcher of hormonal changes in expectant fathers, wrote of studies that suggest “men who have deep empathy toward their pregnant partner and are prone to couvade symptoms end up with strong attachments to their child. If this is the case, then the symptoms might either stimulate, or result from, underlying biological processes that are involved in social attachment.”

What exactly are these symptoms?

While Alford recognizes there isn’t a lot of scientific data available about the syndrome, she says the symptoms include “bloating … nausea, vomiting, food cravings, food aversions, musculoskeletal aches, tooth aches, and occasionally breast enlargement.”

Another study from 1983, cited by the Washington Post, found a modest correlation between paternal-fetal involvement and attachment (such as feeling the baby kick and hearing their heartbeat) with six physical symptoms: feeling more tired, sleeping difficulties, indigestion, upset stomach, appetite changes, and constipation. Still, it’s important to note the limitations of the study, which focused primarily on a sample of white, middle-class men.
More of the psychological symptoms, according to Alford, can manifest in depression, anxiety, mood swings, poor concentration, and memory loss.

What do their partners think?

Research has shown that “when wives were asked about their husband’s experiences, a higher incidence of couvade was reported than when the husbands answered the same questions at the same time.”

In fact, partners reporting on their husband’s symptoms is one you’ll find all over Reddit, as highlighted in this post by one Redditor:

“Couvade syndrome dude. It’s real. My husband had nausea (on and off for a couple weeks), and he gained weight. He was always the skinny guy and he never could put on weight no matter what he tried. When he was in the military they had him on a crazy diet where he had to eat all these protein bars and tons of extra calories but that didn’t work either. When I got pregnant we joked that maybe he would gain some pregnancy weight too and he ended up putting on 15lbs! It’s crazy how pregnancy can affect both parents.”

Here’s another by Redditor ChillyAus, who likens her husband’s symptoms to a hangover (which really isn’t far off from the whole pregnancy thing):
“My hubby experienced afternoon fatigue very early in my pregnancy followed by a few days of actual nausea and generally feeling blah. It was when we he said he felt terminally hungover that I knew it was sympathetic morning sickness.”

Could stress be the hidden culprit?

Possibly. According to Evonne Lack in an article for BabyCenter.com, men with severe couvade symptoms (more than the occasional fatigue) experience actual changes in their hormone levels, thus making their body feel out of whack.
“Stress can lower testosterone levels in men, leaving them with out-of-balance estrogen levels, creating pregnancy-like symptoms,” Lack wrote. She notes that in addition, men with extreme couvade often have too much cortisol—a stress-related chemical that, while effective in the face of short-term dangers, is troublesome over time.

It’s not difficult to see why men would be stressed or anxious during their partner’s pregnancy, given that they often fall into the role of main provider for their budding family, which can take a mental toll.
Indeed, restlessness could also easily be attributed to the new financial pressure new dads face. And it’s not for nothing, but this financial stress would cause anyone to have intense cravings late at night.

Mental Health Hurdles Involved With Fatherhood

But these symptoms can also point to something more serious than mere stress. For some men, worrying about being a dad can cause depression, possibly accounting for their reduced libido, sleep problems, and changes in appetite that are associated with couvade.
And while postnatal depression in fathers is more well-documented (though relatively less known compared to postnatal depression in moms), there’s even less information on a dad’s depression prior to a baby’s birth.

But according to one 2015 study, one in eight first-time-fathers suffer from depression while their partner is pregnant. As Deborah Da Costa, an associate professor in the Department of Medicine at McGill University, noted: “The mental health of men remains a neglected area of research and one that is not adequately addressed during the transition to parenthood.”
Similarly, Olivia Spencer, in her book Sad Dad: An Exploration of Postnatal Depression In Fathers, argued that “the true extent of the problem—like so many mental health disorders—is greater than we know and that society’s approach to fatherhood needs an overhaul to address it.”
Indeed. Da Costa indicated that many depression symptoms in dads-to-be can be easily spotted. One of the biggest clues being the link between lack of sleep and depression during the pregnancy term. “We know that antenatal depression is the strongest predictor for postnatal depression. So teaching fathers and screening for this early on, can be beneficial in terms of decreasing the risk or the continuation of depression postpartum.”

According to PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia), men who feel unsupported or who lack information about what to expect with pregnancy or childbirth may be at increased risk for perinatal depression and anxiety. Here are a few signs to look for: constant tiredness or exhaustion, ongoing irritability, anger, moodiness, or emotional withdrawal from your partner.

Contributing Factors

Aside from a personal history of anxiety or depression, there are other factors that can contribute to mental health struggles in dads and dads-to-be, as outlined by PANDA:
A history of childhood trauma or family conflict. If a dad-to-be experienced a harsh upbringing, it’s likely his impending fatherhood can bring up a host of mixed feelings and difficult memories.
Relationship stress/problems. “A new mother is often very emotionally involved with or focused on the baby. It is also a physically demanding time for her and this can reduce her desire or energy for sex. Men can experience feelings of resentment or anger towards their partner or the baby as a result of these changes. They can also feel lonely and isolated.”

Sleep deprivation. This one’s a biggie. Lack of sleep impacts a person’s family and working life.
Lack of available support. Not having a network of supportive friends or family can make a dad-to-be feel alone in his new role, without anyone to turn to for advice or guidance.

Supporting a partner with perinatal anxiety or depression. A factor that is less addressed but shouldn’t be surprising, and which “can trigger a range of difficult emotions, including confusion, fear and helplessness. These feelings can negatively impact men’s own well-being.”

Tips for Looking After Yourself (Couvade or Not)

We get it: Being a first time dad is hard. And this applies unilaterally for men of all different walks of life. Still, there are ways of processing this tumultuous time. PANDA offers the below tips for looking after yourself:
Recognize that having a baby brings many unexpected changes. This is true for both you and your partner: In other words, give yourself time to adjust.
Life might be different, but embrace the experience. Sure, we understand this is easier said than done, but know that it will take time to come around to the idea of becoming “three.”

Don’t try to take on everything or solve every problem. You are part of a team. And that’s a good thing.
Keep in touch with your friends and family. Having a network of supportive people in your life can help you navigate the puzzling waters of fatherhood. They don’t say it takes a village for nothing.
And most importantly: You don’t need to deal with this alone. “If you think you need some help or support, don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask. Your health and wellbeing is important to your baby.” Reach out to a therapist if your symptoms don’t improve.

Time for a Reality Check

Couvade or no-couvade: Being a dad is kind of a big deal. Meaning, the first step in seeking help for couvade symptoms is recognizing that while moms take the brunt of these biological changes, there’s no denying the mind-body connection in fathers, too.

And while no one theory can account for the origins of the syndrome, what is known, is that “very little research has been done on male reactions to pregnancy and childbirth,” as explained by Tim Lott of The Guardian. “Instead we live with a lot of inbuilt assumptions—that the man will be as blissful and anticipatory as the mother expects herself to be, and that when the big day comes his life, like hers, will be transformed, not without difficulty but unquestionably for the better.”
Moreover, it’s important to look at the whole picture when speaking of the phenomenon. Or as Lott puts it: “Time for a reality check. Becoming a first-time father is many things—terrifying, joyful, nerve-racking, exciting—but unconflicted it is not.”

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Health x Body Wellbeing

From HealthShares To Asking Alexa: Healthcare For Those Without Health Insurance

Post author By Cindy Lamothe
Post date February 4, 2019

“When you don’t have health insurance, you’re constantly gauging just how severe your ailment is and whether it’s worth taking that trip to the hospital,” says Steve DiMatteo, an Ohio resident.
Many people think accessible healthcare should be a given, but what happens when you can’t afford health insurance or choose to forgo paying upwards of $500-$1,000 each month for medical attention you may or may not need?
“Those without health insurance often go without until they are in crisis,” says Kryss Shane, a dual-licensed social worker from Ohio.
According to PBS, approximately 44 million people in the U.S. don’t have health insurance, and another 38 million have inadequate health insurance. In fact, research from 2017 shows that up to 11.3 percent of Americans can’t afford health insurance at all.

“This means that nearly one-third of Americans face each day without the security of knowing that, if and when they need it, medical care is available to them and their families,” the study reads. So what do they do?

For one, they don’t get sick.

They can’t afford to. Staying healthy becomes top priority when you don’t have insurance, says digital marketer Richard Kelleher, who lives in Arizona. “That means eating correctly, being in the gym every morning. It takes regiment and dedication”
As a self-proclaimed “solopreneur” who prefers to invest in digital marketing education and training, Kelleher has known what it’s like to be uninsured for the past decade. But he notes there’s a downside. “Last year, I went to a dental school after visiting two dentists with a toothache. I ended the year spending $3,000 on dental work.”

According to one study, uninsured people are both less likely than those with coverage to use any health services in a given year and have lower expenditures for services on average.
Dorma McGruder, who lives in the greater Detroit area, hasn’t had insurance since 2013 and has instead learned to manage her health issues by working on her weight and stress levels. Despite struggling with migraines, high blood pressure, astigmatism in both eyes, and much-needed dental work, she relies on a combination of natural remedies, prayer, and exercise. “Sometimes the pain is unbearable and my blood pressure shoots up to 190/110.”
“I take something over the counter, lay down and rest,” she says. “But I have to keep going.”

They self-diagnose.

Google becomes the go-to for all things health. Those without insurance will often self-diagnose using resources they find on the internet, according to Shane, and this can cause unnecessary stress and anxiety. Back in 2012, in a piece for The Atlantic, writer Gary Stern reported that a staggering 97.5 million Americans used health websites to obtain information.

While this can seem perfectly convenient in the moment (when you’re unsure what that suspicious rash is), it poses significant risks in that you can’t really know for sure what that rash is unless it’s seen by a medical professional.
Here are just a few dangers that arise from self-diagnosis:
Unwarranted panic and worrying about worst outcomes (which goes back to the stress Shane mentioned).
Trusting unreliable sources. Health blogs written by unqualified advice-givers don’t equate to a doctor that knows your medical history.
Dangerous self-medicating, aka using products with unforeseen side effects. Experts advise instead to try alternatives like 24-hour nurse hotlines, where you can discuss symptoms and whether it’s urgent for you to be seen at a clinic.

They take their health issues abroad.

“I travel internationally often and get all my work done overseas in countries that have better healthcare than where I live in Seattle—and is only 20 percent of what it would cost in the U.S.,” says Alex, who prefers to be identified by his first name only. He goes to Bangkok to get his teeth deep cleaned annually and receives his regular cleaning when he’s in Vietnam or Korea.
This form of medical tourism, where people live in one country and travel to another to receive medical, dental, and surgical care, is nothing new. In fact, there’s a whole association devoted to it, and that association says Americans can enjoy a 90 percent cost savings if they opt to receive healthcare abroad.
As of this year, Nian Hu of INSIDER reports that more people than ever are ditching U.S. healthcare in favor of traveling to other countries for medical procedures that are more affordable.
“Compared to the rest of the world, people in the US pay much higher prices for medical services such as hospitalization, doctors’ visits, and prescription medication,” Hu writes, pointing to a 2015 report that found 150,000 to 320,000 Americans travel abroad every year to receive healthcare.
While the pros are advantageous for people living with chronic illnesses and who can budget in a yearly trip, what about those who don’t travel abroad for work and can’t afford a quick flight out of town?

Fortunately, there are a growing number of assistance programs for those without insurance or who need help paying their premiums. Below are just a few to look into:
CoverageforAll.org offers a state-by-state directory answering all of your insurance-related questions and information on eligibility for programs based on the federal poverty level.
Free clinics are an option for those who don’t have insurance or have limited healthcare coverage. Check out this handy list of free clinics provided by the United States Department of Health and Human Resources.
BenefitsCheckup.org and Eldercare.gov are resources for older Americans without insurance. They can help them explore their long-term care benefits and assistance options for food and nutrition.

They become over-the-counter connoisseurs.

Shane points out that those who do seek healthcare treatment typically go to a drugstore or grocery store clinic for their medical needs. This is true for Alex, who refuses to buy insurance through his employer. He says he’ll try to tough it out when he gets sick. “I take over the counter meds, and usually it goes away within a few days.”
“If I do need to visit a doctor, I will usually pay out of pocket, and that is still less than what I would have paid with insurance.”

According to an article published in the Journal of Bioanalysis and Biomedicine, many older adults rely on self-management of medications to treat common medical conditions such as the common cold, pain, diarrhea, and constipation. And while using over-the-counter meds have their advantages, they’re also associated with risks of misdiagnosis, excessive drug dosage, prolonged duration of use, and unknown drug interactions.
If you can see a doctor and do get a prescription, trying to get a prescription filled without insurance can be a daunting task, but it’s not impossible.
The good folks at USA Today compiled this helpful list of options including alternatives to paying out of pocket, including an overview of discount and pharmaceutical assistance program that can save you up to 85 percent on the prescriptions you need.

They get by with a little help from their friends.

“When you’re single and under a certain age, you don’t think about health issues until ‘it’ happens,” says Los Angeles resident Nicholas Christensen.
And by “it,” he means a big enough health scare.

In his case, it was flu-like symptoms that gradually appeared in a 12-hour period which became monumentally worse during a short flight home. “I was doubled over with stomach cramps, feeling nauseous, gassy, bloated, and literally started to morph into a white walker from the Game of Thrones.”
All kidding aside, it was not looking good. “I went to urgent care, which is advertised as an ‘affordable alternative’ to emergency rooms.” He assumed the medical attention would be within his budget since he had missed the open enrollment period for health insurance, but he was wrong.
While the doctor in attendance wanted to admit him to the emergency room, Christensen resisted. “After getting a rough estimate of the urgent care treatment, which came with sticker shock, I decided to call my high school friend who is a third-year resident in NYC.”
Together, they determined that his symptoms were most likely a virus or bacterial infection caused by swimming in stagnant lake water. “Sometimes the more affordable option is finding a doctor friend or google your symptoms—free of charge!”

While somewhat extreme, Christensen’s concerns are not exactly unfounded.
According to Maureen Groppe of USA Today, while emergency departments are required by law to stabilize and treat anyone entering their doors regardless of their ability to pay, that doesn’t mean the uninsured can get treatment for any old ailment. “It also doesn’t mean that hospitals won’t try to bill someone without insurance. And the bill they send will be higher than for an insured patient because there’s no carrier to negotiate lower prices,” she writes.

Groppe points to one 2016 study published by the National Bureau of Economic Research, which found that someone who goes into the hospital without insurance doubles their chances of filing for bankruptcy over the next four years.
While opting out of the ER is certainly more affordable, it’s also a slippery health slope that can have dire consequences. Luckily, WebMD offers five tips to consider for ER visits, the top one being, “Don’t assume it’s the right place for you (if it’s not broken, burnt, or cut deeply, you’re better off at urgent care).” In other words, if your symptoms are bad enough to think your health will be in danger if you don’t get care right away, the ER is probably the right place for you.

They seek help online.

Approximately 56 percent of American adults with a mental illness do not receive treatment, according to an article by Nicole Spector for NBC News. And in many cases, it’s the cost of therapy and prescription drugs that deters people from getting the help they need. So what’s a person to do?
According to Shane, those who need mental healthcare often use social media to request support when they feel lonely, or seek out online or texting therapists in an attempt to get care.

Sites like BetterHelp offer online counseling as a more affordable and convenient way to seek mental health support, but it’s also come under scrutiny related to ethical questions regarding privacy and safety challenges.
In her NBC article, Spector recommends checking out other resources such as private therapists who will work on a sliding fee scale (sometimes offering their services for as low as $10 an hour), finding out whether you are eligible for Medicaid, or even turning to local training institutes that sometimes provide patients with free sessions for up to two years.

They use HealthShare plans.

“I am very healthy physically and think it is a waste to spend $500 to $1,000 a month on health insurance when there is very little chance of something happening,” notes 27-year-old Stacy Caprio in Boston. “And I’m self-employed, so I would have to cover the whole cost myself as opposed to being partially reimbursed by an employer.”
Caprio currently has a HealthShare plan that fulfills the Affordable Care Act (ACA) requirement (otherwise known as Obamacare) but is also, according to her, “low cost and low coverage.”
As of 2016, due to the rise in healthcare costs, health sharing memberships have more than doubled—going from about 200,000 to about 530,000 participants annually.

While attractive because of their low monthly costs, it’s important to note that these plans are cooperatives (often faith-based) and do not equal health insurance—meaning consumers have very few legal protections.
“For me right now, it is okay, because I am young and healthy,” explains Caprio, “but it is a risk that I am living with day to day.”

They try to maintain a positive mindset.

They have to. “I have more good days than bad by using a lot of prayer and mental discipline,” says 61-year-old McGruder. She says it’s scary being unemployed and wondering about her health future at this age.
“It’s embarrassing because I have never been in this place before,” she adds. “I have to get healthier so I don’t end up in a facility with no insurance to cover basic needs.”
Ultimately, maintaining a positive mindset makes her work harder to be healthier and less dependent on medicine.
“I have to. I can’t get any.”

More Than Positivity

Overall, staying healthy and positive can only take you so far when you’re in the midst of an unexpected health scare (appendicitis comes to mind).

Taking the time to research your options and learn what resources are available can help you better prepare and avoid putting your life at risk. Remember, even some coverage is better than none at all.

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Health x Body Wellbeing

Stories From The Inside: People Share What It’s Like Living With Mental Illness

Post author By Cindy Lamothe
Post date January 31, 2019

“I called what I did white-knuckling. I would appear to be fine, making jokes, concealing my internal battle.”
Ashleigh Ostermann, 27, has had anxiety and depression for as long as she can remember. But she recalls it really started to affect her life back in middle school. “I was always anxious, irrationally so,” she says. “It was something more than being ‘sad.’”
On the outside, she appeared bubbly, funny, and smart. “I was told that I ‘didn’t look depressed’ because I always had a smile on my face.”

“In reality, I was barely holding on.”
Many people still think of mental health disorders as a choice—placing blame on the individual. And it’s this narrow view of mental illness as a character flaw that accounts—at least in part—for the fact that only half of people with mental illness receive treatment, despite tens of millions of Americans being affected each year, according to the National Institute of Mental Health.
Living with mental illness often means putting on a brave face. It means struggling with an invisible condition others often fail to grasp.

“My illness is just invisible,” says Ostermann, “which freaks people out. If they can’t see or understand it, then it must be fake, right?”
What we need now more than ever is to hear stories from the inside.

Anxiety: A Mind That Doesn’t Stop

“I didn’t want to be seen as a ‘crazy person,’ so I suffered in silence for years,” says 31-year-old NYC resident Stephanie Morris, who recalls initially denying her anxiety symptoms when they first appeared in her early twenties.
“I would wake up daily with anxiety attacks,” she says. “My mind would race, and I would often be paralyzed.”
Her symptoms also included regular meltdowns in her work bathroom as well as a host of others like dizziness, shakiness, shortness of breath, fatigue, and rashes.

“Anxiety is a normal part of being human,” says Don Mordecai, MD, National Leader for Mental Health and Wellness at Kaiser Permanente. But he says there’s cause for concern when the worry is accompanied by physical symptoms, as in Morris’ case. He mentions other signs to look for, including restlessness, sleep problems, a sense of trouble breathing, and so on.
Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million American adults—or 18.1 percent of the population—every year. While many people conflate occasional nervousness with being anxious, this is different from the worry that comes from public speaking or preparing for a test.

Generalized anxiety disorder involves persistent levels of anxiety that cause significant distress or impairment for the person dealing with it, says Mordecai, who is also a spokesperson for Kaiser Permanente’s national awareness effort, Find Your Words. “The goal [of Find Your Words] is to create a culture of acceptance and support, and help end the stigma of mental health conditions,” Mordecai says.
Indeed, more spaces that allow for these kinds of conversations are needed. Ostermann gives the parallel of someone who breaks their arm: “They go to a doctor and get treatment.”

Bipolar Disorder: Living With Perpetual Jet Lag

“You’d never know I have it,” Krista says.
“I have to hide it from most people, because I’m worried the stigma will affect my work life.”

Krista, who chose not to use her real name, says living with bipolar 1 disorder is like living with perpetual jet lag. The anxiety sometimes makes her want to jump out a window, but she won’t. “My medications saved my life and have made it possible for me to live a normal, healthy life and sleep well—but side effects have also left me chronically groggy,” Krista explains.
“My husband calls me Sleeping Beauty.”
She says she sleeps ten to eleven hours each night. “I hate that, but it’s a small price to pay for my mental health.”

Characterized by dramatic shifts in mood, energy, and activity levels, bipolar disorder affects approximately 5.7 million adults in the United States. There are two main classifications of bipolar disorder: bipolar 1 and bipolar 2. Bipolar 1 is known for particularly strong manic episodes, and bipolar 2 is known for particularly strong depressive episodes. A third type, cyclothymic disorder, is similar to bipolar 2 but lower in intensity.
The societal understanding of bipolar disorder is still fraught with myths. Many people associate it with a Jekyll-Hyde personality, but in fact, the average bipolar patient is more often depressed than manic, according to Gary Sachs, MD, director of the Bipolar Clinic and Research Program at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston.
Popular depictions of the mental illness generally involve off-the-wall characterizations; normalizing bipolar disorder amid a culture that throws the term around like an insult seems like a daunting task. But Krista wants others to know that a diagnosis isn’t the end of the world. “It’s the beginning of a better life.”

In addition to taking her medications, she also exercises, goes to therapy, and receives acupuncture treatments. More importantly, she has access to a team of mental health professionals and support from family and friends, which have made all the difference.
“I have to fight to stay well,” Krista admits.
“I just wish there were more people out there talking about those of us who are doing well, rather than all the negative stereotypes,” she says. “Stigma keeps us quiet.”

Mordecai agrees. “For some, a diagnosis can be a troubling confirmation that something is wrong with them. They can feel the stigma of mental illness, and this can lead to even worse feelings about oneself.” He notes, however, that for some people, diagnosis can bring relief in the knowledge that their condition is known, shared, understood by others.
“With this knowledge can come a sense of control over the condition and the ability to take action to feel better.”

Borderline Personality Disorder: A Different Normal

“Some days, I’m so active, and sometimes I can barely get out of bed.”
Richard Kaufman, 49, wishes people would realize that living with mental illness isn’t just feeling blue or something you can easily snap out of. “I think other people see me as just fine—they won’t really understand my normal.”

After getting hurt on active duty, the New Jersey-based veteran was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), traumatic brain injuries, and borderline personality disorder. While those first two were a result of his time in the military, the latter gave him new insight into his past.
“I started to understand why I was so different as a child, enduring severe abandonment issues which I still have to this day,” Kaufman explained. “Now I understand why sometimes I had no feelings at all and then sometimes I was all feelings.”

In fact, people with borderline personality disorder experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that can last from a few hours to days. They also tend to view things in extremes, such as all good or all bad.
According to Mordecai, this kind of alteration of the sense of self that happens with some conditions is something that people who have not lived with mental health conditions can find hard to understand. He says he sometimes hears patients say they aren’t sure what normal is. “They have lived with a mental health condition so long, it has changed their sense of self.”

PTSD: Trying to Stay Even-Keeled

“I know it’s not easy on my wife [when] I’m balls to the wall,” Kaufman notes.
Despite medication and attending therapy, he says his greatest challenge is staying even-keeled. “Some days are awesome—some, not so much.”
PTSD affects 7.7 million American adults. According to the Man O’ War Project, a university-led research trial at Columbia University Irving Medical Center, 1 in 5 veterans are affected by PTSD and account for 18 percent of all deaths by suicide among adults in the U.S.

The disorder generally develops after experiencing a shocking, frightening, or dangerous event, as Kaufman went through during active duty. This fear triggers many split-second changes in the body as a response.
While many who encounter trauma will eventually recover from these symptoms, those who feel stressed or frightened even when they’re no longer in imminent danger are experiencing PTSD.

Trying to function while in the grips of mental illness is a tenuous balance, and this is not lost on Mordecai. “One of the most profound things I see every day is people living with mental health conditions with tremendous grace and resilience,” he says.
“They are sometimes frustrated, especially when symptoms come back after going away for some time, but for the most part, they go on with their lives and do what they can to feel better.”

Depression: Feeling Sad Without Reason

“I know what it’s like to be laying on the bathroom floor, eyes swollen, tears streaming down my face, certain that the pain will never end,” Ostermann explains. “Not able to see the light at the end of the tunnel—to be sad for no reason other than not being able to help it.”

Despite being one of the most prevalent mental disorders in the U.S., depression is still highly stigmatized and poorly understood. Much of the public sentiment regarding the disorder is that a person should simply “get over” their feelings of sadness. Most don’t realize that major depressive disorder, for example, is the leading cause of disability in the U.S. for ages 15 to 44.3.
Even when a person is able to find a treatment that works, it can be challenging to encounter the normal ups and downs of daily life because a bad day might be the beginning of another depressive episode, Mordecai says. “People need to relearn who they are without a mental health condition. The way someone perceives the world and themselves in it can be very different when they are, for instance, depressed.”

It can take time to rediscover the undepressed self, he says. But he also notes the mental health condition is something a person manages, not who they are.
“Fortunately, people are very resilient. They are parents, spouses, friends, co-workers, students—people—first.”

Semicolon; When Your Story Isn’t Over

“Mental illness can’t be cured in the way that other illnesses can,” Ostermann notes. “Not yet, anyway. So it’s something I have lived with and learned to manage.”
She believes part of her success comes from the willingness to admit when she needs help and knowing she is in control of what defines who she is as a person. “I acknowledge that my life isn’t perfect. That I’m not perfect. But I will not let anything get in the way of my dreams.”
A few years ago, she had a semicolon tattooed on her wrist. “It serves as a reminder that my story isn’t over.”
More than anything, she wants others to know they aren’t alone. “I’m here to say that I’m not the only one who has gone through this and the more that we talk about mental illness, the more we break the stigma.”

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Wellbeing

Interview With A Narcissist: Looking Inside The Grandiose (And Equally Anxious) Mind

Post author By Cindy Lamothe
Post date December 3, 2018

Now he’s 56, but back in college, Howard was the one who knew everything about everything among his group of peers.
If someone was telling a story, he would interrupt them to tell a bigger, grander story. “I was fantastic at thinking on my feet to appear better than anyone else,” he confesses. Lying became a second skin, a way to appear slicker and more capable.
As a youth camp director, he currently spends his time trekking along the open desert and among the mountains all over the U.S. He is sharp and highly engaged—approaching his work with a searing intensity that could rival any CEO.
He’s also a diagnosed narcissist.

Before he worked with youth, Howard never kept a job for very long. In fact, over the past 37 years, the longest he’s been able to hold one down has been 18 months.
He has a propensity for manipulation, and even if you were his friend, he could lie to your face without missing a beat. But here’s the thing; he doesn’t want to. Not anymore.

“For 40 years I was acting on my tendencies,” he admits. “Not one time did I think I was doing something wrong.”
“I thought everyone was just like me.”

A Glimpse Into the Wound

What makes someone a narcissist, you might ask? Well, all emotional wounds can fester and become problematic, and in the case of narcissism, at the root of the diagnosis, there’s most likely a profound disruption in intimacy.
“Their insecurities are light years [beyond] a normal person’s ordinary ownership of weaknesses and insecurities,” explains Nancy Irwin, PsyD, a Malibu-based licensed clinical psychologist. “Yet,” she says,“[a narcissist] never, ever will admit they have them.”

As defined by Kristina Madjoska in “The Simple Science of a Grandiose Mind,” an article in The Harvard Science Review, a diagnosed narcissist pervasively feels grandiose, unique, and chosen. “Although on the surface a narcissist seems to be an invincibly confident person, feelings of deep shame and low self-esteem in response to social disapproval are at the core of NPD”—aka narcissistic personality disorder—she writes.
While it’s hard to empathize with someone who continuously exhibits toxic behavior, we also shouldn’t take it personally.
“It’s a survival strategy to them,” says psychotherapist Laura Dabney, MD, who treats patients in Virginia Beach. She contends that those with narcissistic traits possess a damaged sense of self, developed from their early relationship with caregivers or from living in a hostile environment.

“We learn how to be intimate with our parents, so it stands to reason that if they don’t know how to do this, we won’t learn either.”
Dabney claims that one of the biggest misconceptions is that narcissists are incapable of loving others. “While their capacity for empathy is damaged, they do have it, it’s just buried.”
As with all things taboo, anything shrouded in silence remains misunderstood, which makes understanding and discussing narcissistic personality disorder even more imperative.

Replacing Love With Deception

Howard became highly proficient at remembering his lies. If someone came up to him today and mentioned something Howard told them 20 years ago, he says he would still remember the lie he told them.
Because of this, his romantic relationships have often crumbled under the weight of his deception. “If I was around people for very long, they would have figured me out and left.”

He recalls one relationship that he was able to hold down for several years. “We got engaged, picked out rings, and started planning the wedding,” he says. But everything soon came to a halt because of his narcissistic tendencies.
Howard explains that he’s been in his current arrangement (not relationship) for 30 years. They currently live as roommates because, as he explains, “At this point, we are stuck with each other because neither of us can afford to move.”
They also have two children together who he says don’t display his behavior. “I couldn’t even begin to try to count how many times the mother of my children has told me to quit lying or to stop trying to manipulate her.”

“My son has a minor in psychology and understands what my tendencies are,” Howard says. “He’s tried to sit down with his mother to explain that I’m not doing it on purpose and that it’s a mental illness—she has refused [this] every time.”
He makes it a point to mention that not one, but both of his kids have masters degrees and are very successful.
According to Irwin, more than anything, a narcissist craves constant affirmation from everyone around them. This can come in the way of money, awards, press, compliments, or plain old adoration.
“This is their oxygen.”

A Lonely Illness

“When I did make friends, they never stayed long.” He says his extreme arrogance, which he formerly mistook for self-confidence, was more than they could handle.
According to Dabney, sustaining intimacy as a narcissist is difficult because while on some level they crave closeness, they are also unconsciously afraid of it. “So then they have to ‘break it’ by belittling the other person and rising above them.”

But an expert explaining the disorder is different from how a person lives it.
What loneliness looks likes like for Howard is not having anyone to talk to about his problems or check up on him when his symptoms act up—no one to go out and do anything with.
“It’s just me and my computer.”
But it’s not all bad, he says. “Not having any friends gives me the drive to succeed at everything I do.”

“Individuals who exhibit narcissistic traits are probably some of the loneliest people,” claims cognitive neuroscientist Caroline Leaf, PhD. “…Loneliness increases toxicity as well as the risk of more mental and physical issues—exacerbating the problem.”
“Lonely people tend to lack hope and peace,” she adds, “and many of them have learned how to put up a shield up front that says ‘I am great, I am better than you,’ while, in reality, they are desperate to be loved and heard.” As Madjoska writes, “In lacking empathy, a vital capacity for social bonding, a narcissist tends to form shallow and unfulfilling relationships.”
“I’ve only had one friend for the past twenty years,” says Howard. “I can’t tell you why he stuck with me, but I’m truly happy that he did.”

Hitting rock bottom may be the only way up.

When Howard first became a camp director many years ago, he says his narcissistic tendencies gave him the freedom and autonomy to do some amazing things. He recounts having a staff of up to 125 who thought him to be the best in his field.

Instead of answering to someone above him, he says he was left to do whatever he wished. And it was this newfound freedom that gave him the insight he had long suspected: He knew way more than any boss he’d ever had.
Or so he once thought.
“Being a director at summer camps just fed my illness,” he acknowledges.
When people would come to him with their problems, he says his tendencies would kick in.
“I would help them with their problem, but not until I told them how great I was at whatever their problem was.”
It was around this same time that he noticed a sudden shift. “It all came on very quickly, I completely lost my drive and didn’t want to work.”

But he couldn’t allow that to happen. He had worked his entire life to get in the position he was in and couldn’t allow that to just disappear. “I loved my job, it gave me exactly what I needed: confidence, praise, and knowing that I was making a positive impact on my kids.”
It was soon after this crisis that he made an appointment with the physiatrist who initially diagnosed him with depression, social anxiety, and narcissistic tendencies. That first visit would be the beginning of a long road that involved a lot of medications.
For the next two and a half years, Howard says he tried every drug on the market with only harsh side effects to show for results. After that tumultuous time, he finally found a combination that helped take the edge off of his symptoms.

He also started receiving cognitive behavioral therapy. He remembers going into that first meeting still attempting to hijack the conversation, trying to convince the provider that he deserved 100 percent of their attention.
While many of the exercises have helped, Howard remains skeptical things can ever entirely improve.
“As far as I’m concerned, I can’t be ‘cured.’ I’ve been this way for so long it’s part of me.”

When Labels Breed Stigma

According to Leaf, who specializes in mental health, labels don’t take into consideration the context of a person’s life and what they have been through. She explains that labels—like “narcissist”—discount the evidence that people’s behavior is the result of experience and, in fact, changes over time.
For example, someone who displays narcissistic behaviors and who needs to make others feel bad about themselves to make themselves feel good is really displaying an identity crisis from some toxic experience—such as bullying, toxic masculinity, or not being allowed to develop their true selves.

Narcissistic behavior is, in a sense, lashing back at the society that they should have felt safe in, says Leaf. “In a distorted way, ‘narcissists’ are almost trying to right a wrong, but in an unhealthy way.”
People behave in a narcissistic way because they have reacted to a toxic situation, she says. And this pattern of thinking, feeling, and choosing intensifies the more they think about it. “The reactions of the people that are the target of these interactions creates a negative feedback loop that often reinforces the toxic behavior.”
“Labels lock people in,” she asserts. “If anything, it can create a more severe problem in addition to fostering a sense of hopelessness for both the person displaying this kind of behavior and for those that are at the receiving end of it.”

Denying Empathy as a Means of Survival

In On Narcissism: An Introduction, Sigmund Freud argued that narcissism is the desire and energy that drives one’s instinct to survive.
But what happens when taken to the extreme?

“A conflict can emerge in the person,” says Leaf. “They want to bond with others in a healthy way, but their negative experiences override their desires in an effort to protect their fragile identity.”
When a person seems to have little regard for others by not listening to them, diverting the conversation back to themselves, or seeming to lack empathy, Leaf explains they may have been so wounded in the past that they over-process pain, which makes them feel worse about themselves. “Over time, to protect their minds, they block the pain of others out, and this can become a toxic pattern.”

Leaf believes that if we can stop labeling someone as a narcissist—which implies that we thoroughly understand who they are at their core (which we do not)—we can see that this is a person who has a story to tell.
“We can try to listen to what they are really saying.”

In His Own Words

After learning of his disorder, Howard began taking an honest inventory of who he was.
“I had a lack of empathy for others, was extremely manipulative, self-centered, a liar.”
“When I was speaking, I demanded that others listen to me.” If others tried to speak, he says it was irrelevant to him. “I could quickly figure someone out and know exactly what I needed to say so they would think I was much more knowledgeable than I was.”

“I honed my skills so well that someone would be mad at me for lying to them and I could convince them that I was right and they were wrong.”
Howard lives in a place with three large towns nearby. “Even with the surrounding area being so large, the word can still travel fast.”
After attending his high school reunion earlier this year, Howard learned that despite the distance of 40 years, his old classmates still want nothing to do with him.

Setting Boundaries

We’ve all more than likely come across a person with seemingly narcissistic characteristics. We’ve read about them in the news or turned to various articles in an attempt to make sense of their erratic behavior.
It’s likely we’ve emotionally labored over whether to cut a loved one loose because of their toxicity—in many cases, with good reason. As previously noted on HealthyWay, people with narcissistic personality disorder can be pushy, hostile, and otherwise manipulative in their romantic relationships.
“If a person is hurt by an NPD person who does not have any insight, then it is incumbent on that person to protect themselves and not try to change the NPD person,” Dabney says.

“[Setting boundaries is] a really acute part of examining how you want to proceed with a narcissist,” Sal Raichbach, PsyD, told HealthyWay earlier this year. “You might decide to stay with this person, [or] you might decide to retract and find other people to interact with, but if you’re going to be in a relationship with a narcissist, you have to have solid boundaries. You have to be willing to enforce them, and you have to not get caught up in the guilt that can come with [enforcement].”

“You have to be prepared not to provide the ‘supply’ that [the narcissist will need] all the time,” she says, “or be prepared to lose yourself.”

With all that said, the question remains: Can narcissism be overcome?

Between Hope and a Hard Place

There is no consensus on narcissistic personality disorder. For every expert who believes the disorder has no cure, there is another who encourages patience and understanding.
Is it possible to be hopeful about a disorder that makes it hard to empathize with? Shouldn’t we just cut our losses and sever contact with people who display these tendencies?
In short: Yes and no.

A narcissist before and after years of treatment can seem like two entirely different people.
As Dabney notes, there are many shades of NPD, and those on the healthier end of the spectrum possess more insight. “They usually can see their track record of stilted, damaged, or destroyed relationships and want to know how to ‘fix’ it.”
Since empathizing with a narcissist can put our own emotional well-being in jeopardy, Dabney advises a more realistic approach. “Understanding that narcissists developed their patterns of behavior when they were young, as a protection from someone close to them who was [treating them inappropriately], may help people see that they are just wielding a battered, broken, spiky, and ineffective shield. They aren’t evil.”

That said, treatment can span years—often a decade or more. And while cultivating our own sense of empathy is one thing, drawing firm boundaries should take center stage.
As for Howard, learning about his narcissistic tendencies helped him improve certain aspects of his life. While he’d like to remain hopeful, he has his doubts. “When you have gone so many years using people, even if you know what you’re doing, you’re still going to do it.”

Overall, what he hopes people would understand about NPD is that this isn’t how he wants to treat others. “It’s the illness that causes [me] to treat them that way.”
But one thing he feels strongly about is the need for more conversations like these.
“If people were educated on the signs of mental illness they may be able to save a friend going through what I have.”

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More Than Mom Motherhood

#IHadAMiscarriage: Ways To Cope And Rituals That Can Help In Grieving The Loss

Post author By Cindy Lamothe
Post date October 18, 2018

“I could barely feel my feet on the ground.”
Jessica Zucker remembers the painful physical and psychological aftermath that accompanied her pregnancy loss at 16 weeks back in 2012. She describes it as an elongated nightmare she was unable to wake from.
“The resulting grief was unfathomable,” the Los Angeles–based psychologist tells HealthyWay.

Last month, singer Carrie Underwood opened up about her own struggle with multiple miscarriages—a subject that’s often treated as taboo by society at large.
Approximately one in five women will have a miscarriage in early pregnancy (typically defined as a loss prior to 20 weeks gestation), and 1 in 100 women will experience a stillbirth each year in the United States. What these numbers don’t account for, however, are those pregnancy losses that go unreported—and that leave behind an indelible mark.
“It is a loss different than any other,” says Talya Knable, a licensed clinical professional counselor from Baltimore. “You are left to grieve this person you never had the chance to meet, but perhaps felt closer to than any other person you have ever known.”

Even after opening up, many are faced with the unbearable burden of learning how to process this singular kind of grief. We’ve reached out to women who were willing to share their stories. Here is what they had to say.

Grieving in Silence

Angela Roeber, a mother who has gone through five miscarriages, vividly recalls the isolation she felt after her first pregnancy loss. One particular moment that stands out for the 39-year-old involves calling her mom crying and telling her about her miscarriage.
“I know I caught her off guard as she didn’t even know I was pregnant,” says the Nebraska resident. But instead of receiving the consolation she craved, Roeber’s experience was normalized. “I remember her telling me, ‘It happens, Angela.’”

“Not really what one would like to hear in the moment,” she admits.
“We don’t hear a lot of people talking openly about miscarriages as we do with other losses in life, and it can make women feel incredibly alone,” says Julie Gurner, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in the greater Philadelphia area.
But even when people do speak out, they can be quickly silenced.
[pullquote align=”center”]“As women, mothers, wives, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. We don’t allow for much grace.”
—Angela Roeber[/pullquote]
“I don’t think my family understands my pain,” Roeber explains. “They haven’t had the same experiences. I don’t think they see it as losing five babies—instead, they see five miscarriages.”
According to Mayra Mendez, PhD, LMFT, a licensed psychotherapist in Santa Monica, California, when a miscarriage occurs, people try not to talk about it. But, she stresses, the loss of a fetus is no less impactful than the loss of any other loved one.
“As women, mothers, wives, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves,” Roeber says. “We don’t allow for much grace.”

Give yourself permission to grieve the loss.

Roeber says she internalized all those years of bottling up, and that it later manifested as seemingly random outbursts.
“I had a lot of anger towards God, and that fury came out to everyone in my family.”
[pullquote align=”center”]“Women often feel that the loss ‘should be’ glossed over or that the intensity of their pain isn’t valid. …Grief is a process that cannot be rushed and must never be diminished.”
—Mayra Mendez, PhD, LMFT[/pullquote]
Knable points out that one of the key factors that may make miscarriages such a singular grief—truly different from any other—is that many women experience this loss prior to most people in their lives knowing that they had something to lose. “It’s important that women take time to emotionally mourn the loss of their baby,” she says.

“Women often feel that the loss ‘should be’ glossed over or that the intensity of their pain isn’t valid,” notes Mendez. But, she explains, “grief is a process that cannot be rushed and must never be diminished.”

Working through grief is a process.

“Grieving the loss of an unborn baby is a complex, multifaceted experience that changes over time and varies from person to person,” Mendez affirms.
Often women put pressure on themselves to be perfectly put together quickly, Gurner adds. “Miscarriages can be a devastating loss—be good to yourself, go easy on yourself, and give yourself the time you need to grieve.”
Here are a few methods for coping, shared by experts and women who have been there:

The Healing Balm of Shared Experiences

A woman who experiences a miscarriage needs support and a safe place to talk about her feelings. It’s important to have a forum to speak freely with trusted people, Mendez insists, and to gain perspective that supports clear thinking and prevents misplaced guilt and blame from taking root.

“It helps when I read other stories from women who have experienced similar events,” says Roeber. “I know they understand, and I know that I am not alone.”

Self-Care for the Mind and Body

Attend to healthy eating and exercise routines, Mendez advises. “Indulge in reading that book that you have been eyeing, go see that movie or play that will free your mind of stress for a while.”

Recovery from the miscarriage will also involve physical self-care, she says, and more importantly, management of emotional health and traumatic stress.

Embracing the Grieving Process

Denying, dismissing, or explaining loss and sadness away impedes grief resolution. This, in turn, can lead to profound and enduring symptoms that may require a higher level of intervention.

According to Mendez, if depression and despair remain as powerful six months after the miscarriage experience as they were when the loss was new, then professional help is necessary. “Unresolved grief can become a more serious condition of depression that calls for treatment.”

Staying Connected

Mendez emphasizes we shouldn’t isolate from our partners and families. Rather, it’s important that we continue to communicate and share our thoughts. “Join forces and use the experience to strengthen and bond the relationship further,” she notes.

“Discuss plans for the future and acknowledge that the grief process is not solely the experience of the woman.” She shares that “men grieve the loss of a baby as well, albeit differently.” Overall, she asks that we keep in mind that working through our grief is a process that will take a great deal of time and reflection.

Ritualizing and Memorializing

For some, participating in a ritual such as creating a memory book, planting a tree, or lighting a candle can be a way of honoring their loss. “A mother’s love can’t be measured in weeks,” says Roeber, who wears a charm bracelet with the birthstones of all the babies she’s lost.

That said, she’s adamant that everyone should find their own way of processing their grief. “No two people are the same, and I am convinced no two situations are the same.”

Finding a voice in the darkness.

Four months after her miscarriage, Zucker lived on pins and needles when she discovered she was pregnant again. She describes it as an exercise “in mind-numbing uncertainty”—an ongoing oscillation between hope and anxiety.
“I was emotionally whiplashed,” she says.
The world seemed lopsided and nonsensical. “I wondered if this traumatic event and my resulting cracked heart would drain the poise out of me for good.”
It was then that Zucker found herself catapulted into what she calls a “new galaxy of empathy.” While she had worked with women for over a decade in her private practice, she discovered a new breadth of understanding from her own lived experience with tragedy.

“I was humbled and honored to suddenly, in a corporeal sense, be able to empirically grasp the profound pain of reproductive loss,” Zucker shares.
Two years after her miscarriage, in 2014, she launched the #IHadAMiscarriage campaign and took her pain to pen in a New York Times essay that reverberated across the country.
Zucker says the act of writing has been a ritual and a central catalyst in her grieving process. “As a psychologist, I feel like I should probably say that therapy was the most helpful part of my healing process, but I really think that I wrote my way back to health.”

That said, she doesn’t dismiss the vital role therapy has played in supporting her process. It provided a much-needed haven for her to fall apart, she says, and to explore the crevices of pain, anxiety, and relational disappointments.
“But as I wrote about my experiences, I found understanding and with it a community.”

#IHadAMiscarriage: A Campaign That Breaks the Silence

This October’s Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, Zucker’s campaign is focusing on rites, rituals, and representation.

“Without standardized rituals, women and families are unsure where to take their pain, how to find peace within it, and sometimes begin to question whether or not they have the ‘right’ to grieve,” says Zucker.
But one thing is for sure, women want to acknowledge their losses, she explains, “and the way they do that—the way they each mother their dead children—is different.” For every grieving parent decorating a gravesite or getting a memorial tattoo, she says, there’s one who prefers not to lend any more tangibility or permanence to their loss.
As part of her goal to inspire women to find meaningful ways to represent their experiences of miscarriage, Zucker highlights the need for our culture to embrace a framework that allows for grieving and honoring ourselves and the babies we’ve lost.
She asserts that in moving away from the antiquated silence whilst moving toward a culture of openness, representing our stories becomes tantamount. “Women want to feel heard; they want to feel seen; they want to feel understood.”

Zucker and Mexico City poet and artist Jessica Lakritz collaborated to stage a breathtaking photoshoot that includes women who’ve experienced miscarriage posing with inspirational poetry written on their skin.
Zucker said this project is part of her efforts to destigmatize speaking out about pregnancy and infant loss.
“The photo and video shoot captured the importance of this by way of expressing on our bodies our reproductive histories,” Zucker says.

“I couldn’t have asked for a more potent salve than that of perfect strangers’ vulnerability,” she added. “Connecting through heartache gave way to hope.”

Replacing Silence With Storytelling

In regard to pregnancy loss, Zucker notes that too many well-meaning strangers and loved ones say things like: “Everything happens for a reason,” “At least you know you can get pregnant,” “Be grateful for what you have,” “God has a plan,” and “At least you weren’t very far along.”
“Unfortunately, we live in a world brimming with platitudes,” she says.
[pullquote align=”center”]“I want women to feel—not just intellectually know—they are not alone and that there is absolutely no shame in loss.”
—Jessica Zucker, PhD, on coping with miscarriage[/pullquote]
“When we are met with comments like these, it can be tempting to shut down or worse,” she adds, “to feel ashamed of our grief.” In addition, women often fall silent in their grief because of how complicated it can be to justify or understand it.
As a way of empowering women, the signs in Zucker’s campaign are free to download from her website so they can be used as grieving families create their own rituals. “I want women to feel—not just intellectually know—they are not alone and that there is absolutely no shame in loss.”

Zucker envisions a future where generations to come won’t struggle with the silence, stigma, and shame that is currently so prevalent in our society. “The less alone we feel in our pain, the sooner we embrace the complexity of grief and perhaps trust that we will at some point emerge.”
“In sharing our stories in this way, we encourage others to do the same,” she emphasizes. “Or at the very least, we convey to women worldwide that they are part of a global community. We are not alone.”

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Health x Body Wellbeing

Types C and D: Two Unique But Often-Overlooked Personality Types

Post author By Cindy Lamothe
Post date October 10, 2018

“Knowing yourself is the first battle won,” says Claudia Luiz, PsyD, a psychoanalyst and author in NYC. Learning how to achieve this, however, can be somewhat of a puzzle. While there’s an unfathomable amount of online tests to pick and choose from, trying to make sense of it all can get, well, overwhelming, to say the least (raise your hand if you’ve ever gone down the Buzzfeed spiral before).
And as someone who’s spent hours poring over their Myers Briggs results, I can say this with unequivocal certainty: Figuring yourself out isn’t for the weak of heart. Yet despite this sea of personality test ambiguity, one thing has remained comfortingly clear: People are generally described as type As or Bs, high strung and competitive vs. laid back, ambitious and overachieving vs. chill.

But what if I told you that in fact, the alphabet doesn’t end there?
Turns out types C and D were there all along! And since you can never have too much self-awareness, I set out to find some much-needed answers about these less-commonly-discussed personality types. If you’re curious to learn what psychologists have to say about these elusive, lesser-known personality types (as I most certainly was), read on.

What is a type D personality?

We all know type As are considered highly driven and competitive, while Bs tend toward lower stress levels and exude a more laid-back approach to life. Ds, on the other hand, are the ones who experience negative emotions like stress and anxiety but choose to instead ignore their feelings, causing all manner of ills.

Type D is far from being the new kid on the personality block—the term was first coined in the early ’90s by psychologist Johan Denollet at Tilburg University. The D actually stands for distressed, meaning that similar to type A individuals, Ds are also prone to health conditions like cardiac disease.
“On the one hand, type-D people have the tendency to experience negative emotions, such as anxiety, depression, stress, and so on,” Denollet explained in an interview with Medscape’s heartwire. “At the same time, they also score higher [on tests] measuring social inhibition. Type-D patients are more closed in social interactions and are more unlikely to disclose their personal feelings toward others and tend to feel a bit insecure. This combination makes them more liable to chronic forms of psychological distress.”

This may be due in part to type D’s propensity for a half-empty mindset. In one 2010 study, Denollet and the other study authors noted that “symptoms of depression/anxiety not only reflect episodic distress but also a more ingrained tendency to experience distress” in those with distressed personalities.

Signs to Look Out For

Find yourself feeling irritable all the time? According to Psychology Today, this could be a sign you have a type D personality. Here are some other questions to ask yourself: Do I keep mostly to myself and tend to hide my feelings from others? Am I often gloomy?

While all personality types might struggle with these feelings from time to time, type Ds will find these statements to be true more often than not. In the work environment, this looks like someone who becomes more easily stressed and is more prone to experiencing burnout than their peers. At home, it could be a refusal to talk about feelings or becoming easily frustrated by minor irritations.

Wait—what happened to type C?

Considered the anti rule-breakers of the personality alphabet—those with type C personalities are known for their perfectionism. They strive for excellence, often devoting long hours to completing one specific task. While they may seem quiet and thoughtful on the outside, they are actually seething inside.

“Type C personalities are prone to both stress and depression because they tend to be emotionally repressed, unassertive, and perfectionists,” Reichbach pointed out. That said, he also noted they also have plenty of positive traits, like being thoughtful and dependable.
And though type Cs can be patient and kind, they tend to avoid their negative emotions and have difficulty coping with their problems, which can contribute to its own long-term effects and significant health issues.

If you see yourself here, take heart. According to Sal Raichbach, PsyD, a licensed psychologist in West Palm Beach, the first step in overcoming these negative traits is by learning more about your personality type.
“You have to be able to recognize a problem before you can address it,” he insists.
Similarly, Luiz believes the biggest mistake people make is trying to change their innate personality. “You can’t always choose your thoughts,” she says. “You can, however, choose the attitude you will exercise toward those thoughts.”

Get to know your struggles.

Experts stress that it’s important to keep researching our personalities further because the more we understand, the more proactive we can be. Part of this means being aware of the difficulties that might arise.

As Susan Krauss notes in Psychology Today: “Individuals in [the type D group] are likely to be anxious, lonely, and perhaps even traumatized, all of which cause their mental health to suffer.” One 2016 study published in the International Journal of Social Psychiatry found a link between type D and childhood trauma (emotional and physical neglect as well as abuse).
“The evidence is quite clear that personality D is physically harmful,” Raichback adds, “as these personalities are much more likely to have heart issues and the issues are more likely to be fatal—this is true with other diseases as well, where a type D ends up sicker than others.”
While type C hasn’t been directly linked to health issues (despite early claims that it was connected to cancer), difficulties arise for people with type C personalities when presented with health issues. “If they get a serious diagnosis, they may be passive, throw their hands up, and say, ‘Well, there’s nothing I can do about it, anyway. If it’s my time, it’s my time,’” clinical psychologist Robin Belamaric told U.S. News & World Report.

I’m pretty sure I fall into one of these categories. Now what?

“We will often hear type A personalities say that they are not really controlling,” affirms Luiz, “and similarly, many type D personalities would prefer to think of themselves as victims of circumstance rather than know their own innate tendency toward negativity.”
When it comes down to it, the difficulty in knowing your tendency toward negativity, anxiety, worry, and pessimism is often in finding it unacceptable and not liking yourself. “Then, you will want to revert back to defending against how your mind tends to work,” Luiz adds. “So the way to surrendering to what you really are is accepting it without judgment.

“Knowing and then accepting your personality is what makes it possible for you to take care of yourself, nourish, replenish, and exercise compassion towards yourself,” she explains, “which is the path to a good life.”

Treatment Options for Improving Your Health

In terms of health, Denollet, the theory’s originator, spoke with heartwire about possible treatment options for type Ds.
“It’s important to get these patients involved in cardiac rehabilitation programs, including exercise training,” he said. “I would also advise doctors to more closely monitor these patients, maybe by getting them into the office for a more regular checkup or even by telephone to see how they’re doing and to pay particular attention to things like quitting smoking.”

Moving Past C and D

Even as we accept our natural tendency toward various personality traits, knowing they aren’t set in stone or hereditary is important. It is possible to shift from one personality type to another. Moreover, experts believe we should continually strive to move past them. “D personalities need new coping skills to bring the stress down and their self-acceptance up,” says Raichbach. “The solution, of course, involves seeking professional help.”

When it comes to C types, Raichback notes that making even small steps toward changing your temperament—learning to say no and building self-confidence—can go a long way in counteracting the negative traits of a C personality.
He points to a therapeutic technique called “motivational interviewing” as an especially helpful method for finding the internal motivation to change the negative thoughts and lack of expression. This involves collaboration between a therapist and patient, where ideas about change are evoked with emphasis on the person’s autonomy, meaning the patient isn’t told what to do or why they should do it—instead, the therapist “draws out” these motivations and skills for change.

Another crucial aspect of moving past identification with our types is exercising non-judgment toward ourselves, Luiz asserts. “It’s hard work,” she says, but the ultimate goal is figuring out how to get comfortable in a world that naturally offers up a lot of frustration and suffering (which can easily affect every personality type).

“Non-judgment, acceptance, compassion, and self-protection are the best ways to go, regardless of your type,” Luiz adds. “This is what makes it possible to choose positive outcomes no matter what you think or feel.”

Tags social

Happy x Mindful Wellbeing

The Often-Overlooked Symptoms Of ADHD (And How To Deal With Them)

Post author By Cindy Lamothe
Post date October 5, 2018

Many of us experience bouts of restlessness. Maybe we find ourselves daydreaming during a particularly long work meeting or struggling to complete mundane activities like washing dishes or doing laundry.
All these scenarios could be signs of boredom, but what if it’s more than that? What if, like Minnesota freelance writer Pauline Campos, distraction is your normal?

woman looking distracted with laptop — iStock.com/pixelfit

From feeling jumpy and irritated to not being able to remain interested enough in a task to stay focused, Campos, 40, says managing the symptoms of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a day-to-day struggle. “Some days are productive, and others, I call it a win because I got the bare minimum done.”
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, “ADHD is one of the most common childhood disorders and can continue through adolescence and into adulthood.” While most people are familiar with the hyperactive aspect of ADHD, many of the more subtle symptoms fly under the radar.
Understanding how to identify these overlooked signs of ADHD can help you find an effective treatment. Here’s what you should know.

What exactly is ADHD?

Broadly defined, ADHD is a developmental condition comprised of three main symptoms: inattention, impulsiveness, and hyperactivity (though this last one may or may not accompany the others). CHAAD, the National Resource Center on ADHD, estimates that about 10 million adults have ADHD.
The obvious signs of ADHD are symptoms due to deficits in executive functioning, says Ofra Obejas, a licensed clinical social worker and California child and family psychotherapist. “This is the area responsible for planning, prioritizing, organizing, and focus.”

Woman writing in planner calendar — iStock.com/damircudic

While the exact causes aren’t fully understood, researchers believe a combination of factors, including genetics, may play a role. Some studies have suggested that it may be due to an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain.
ADHD’s symptoms often present in varying levels of severity and, if left untreated in childhood or adulthood, can lead to behavioral, emotional, social, and academic problems. Yet the diagnosis can be tricky, as ADHD symptoms often overlap with those of other physical and psychiatric disorders such as depression, anxiety, and substance abuse.

Anxious woman looking out window — iStock.com/martin-dm

“A person with low self-esteem or anxiety may be suffering from ADHD first and foremost, but instead, the other concern, such as anxiety, is seen as the primary problem, when it’s really just a symptom,” wrote John M. Grohol, PsyD, a Boston clinical psychologist and founder of Psych Central.

How can we identify ADHD in adults?

For Kathryn Goetzke, entrepreneur and chief mood officer at The Mood Factory, hyperactivity doesn’t necessarily equal physical exertion. “It can also mean your brain is running around doing things, which definitely was the case for me,” she says.
Goetzke says it took her years to figure out she had ADHD, as she didn’t have classic hyperactivity. “What I did have was impulsivity,” she says.

woman shopping impulsively — iStock.com/gradyreese

In adults, this symptom can often look like blurting out an answer in a work meeting, wrote Grohol, but it can also manifest as indulgent spending patterns, conversation interruptions, and engagement in risky behaviors.
Experts point to several lesser-known symptoms that also can indicate ADHD in adults:

Hyperfocus

Hyperfocus (or flow) is a less frequently discussed symptom, but one that continues to garner attention from psychologists.
“Usually when people think of someone with ADHD, they think of someone super distracted, hyperactive, or spacing out,” says Crystal Lee, PsyD, a licensed psychologist in Los Angeles. But, she says, it’s also true that people with ADHD get hyper-focused on tasks or activities.

woman focused on art project — iStock.com/petrunjela

When your executive functions don’t work as well, Lee explains, it becomes increasingly difficult to leave one task behind and switch to another—resulting in this razor focus.
Researcher Brandon Ashinoff, who studies the cognitive and neurological deficits associated with ADHD, defined it as a state of intense concentration where a person loses track of time. “This is weird in the context of ADHD because it’s actually too much attention,” he explained in an interview with the University of Birmingham’s Ideas Lab Predictor Podcast. “You’re focused so intently on something, no other information gets into your brain essentially.”

Difficulty Controlling Emotions

Controlling your emotions requires strong regulatory functioning. Unfortunately, those with ADHD have weaker regulatory functions, which makes it harder for them to do so. This kind of emotional dysregulation, Lee says, can present as an increased aggravation to everyday events.

“You might notice that you get frustrated or irritable more quickly or that it’s harder to calm down once you’re upset.”

Bursts of Motivation Based on Interest

People sometimes mistake ADHD as a lack of motivation because people with the condition are great at finishing projects they really enjoy. “This is actually because your brain chemistry is different when you’re engaged in tasks that are rewarding,” says Lee. And it’s this brain chemistry that helps you stay focused and sustains your attention.

Tics and Fidgeting

Many adults outgrow the hyperactivity experienced as children, says Terry Matlen, a licensed clinical social worker from Detroit. But this symptom can still appear in more subtle ways such as leg swinging, pen clicking, skin picking, foot tapping, or lip chewing.

In fact, some research has suggested these seemingly nervous tics increase neurotransmitters like dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain, which help with focus and attention (though more research is needed on the subject).

Hypersensitivity

People with ADHD have quite severe negative reactions to criticism or perceived criticism or rejection (known now as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria). This makes it so a person is more readily hostile or becomes socially withdrawn, resulting in difficulty establishing and maintaining relationships.

Persistent Symptoms

While many of us will experience varying degrees of the aforementioned signs throughout our lives, Grohol said we should look at the whole spectrum and ask ourselves: Do my symptoms significantly impact my ability to function in two or more different areas in my life, such as at school and home, or at work and home?
https://twitter.com/arcadelaundry/status/1000236015938715648
“A person with ADHD will struggle with this inattention virtually all the time, in most situations,” Grohol said, “whereas a person who doesn’t have ADHD will be able to focus and pay attention most of the time.”

How can we identify ADHD in children?

One of the defining features of childhood ADHD is hyperactivity. Hyperactivity in children looks as though the child is in constant motion: running, climbing on things, and constantly squirming or fidgeting. This constant motion, Grohol affirmed, is above and beyond normal childhood behavior and, despite the child’s best efforts, does not seem to be within their self-control.
As with adults, childhood ADHD could also present as inattention. Inattention comes through most clearly in schoolwork, chores, or projects, and as losing or misplacing things, like an important assignment for school.

boy throwing airplane in class — iStock.com/BraunS

Children with ADHD might also display impulsive tendencies. In school, for example, they may blurt out an answer before being called on, skip in lines, and fail to wait their turn, among other things.
While boys are generally more likely to present with hyperactivity and impulsivity, the difficulty can be diagnosing ADHD altogether, Grohol tells HealthyWay: “The symptoms may appear to be just dismissed as normal ‘boy behavior.’”
He emphasizes that girls are more likely to display inattentive symptoms of ADHD compared to boys. For girls, this may look like anxiety, difficulty focusing on tasks or schoolwork, appearing not to listen when spoken to, daydreaming, low self-esteem, and appearing withdrawn. “Some girls with ADHD may also be verbally aggressive toward other children,” Grohol adds, “such as name calling, teasing, or even bullying.”

girls teasing another girl — iStock.com/FatCamera

Moreover, according to the American Psychological Association, girls are also at greater risk of developing low self-esteem, underachievement, and problems like depression and anxiety should their symptoms remain untreated.
Campos, who found out about her ADHD in her early thirties, expresses a desire to go back in time and receive her diagnosis in childhood.
“It’s hard to find out there’s a valid medical reason as an adult for all the internal turmoil you suffered as a kid—feeling different and out of place and not knowing why,” she shares.

What treatment plans are available for children?

While treatment plans for kids typically include medication and psychological intervention, children can also benefit from behavioral treatments such as more structure, specific routines, and clearly stated expectations. According to WebMD, other treatments include social skills training, support groups, and parenting skills training.

Obejas offers a two-pronged approach when working with parents. First, she encourages parents to seek education to understand what it’s like to have ADHD. This helps cultivate more empathy when relating to kids who struggle with completing a task.
“Then, I teach techniques such as writing task lists and going over them together,” she explains. She also teaches parents and children how to arrange items, helps with prioritizing, and suggests doing the fun tasks before the boring ones.

What treatment plans are available for adults?

After diagnosis, treatment plans for adults include a combination of medicine, therapy, family support, and learning to structure their environment. Receiving cognitive-behavioral therapy by ADHD-trained therapists is also recommended as a way to learn new techniques for managing symptoms.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Always for me, taking a step back, counting to five, and making sure my emotions are in a positive state through deep breathing are keys to staying in positive, healthy, productive relationships.”
—Kathryn Goetzke, entrepreneur, diagnosed with ADHD[/pullquote]
While medication doesn’t cure ADHD, it can help improve attention and reduce impulsivity. The most common ones are psychostimulants such as methylphenidate and amphetamines. Non-stimulant medications are generally given to people who can’t tolerate regular stimulants or don’t respond to them.
However, medication alone is only part of the equation—the National Resource Center on ADHD offers the following tips and strategies (link opens a PDF) for staying organized and managing your time:

Break up large projects into smaller, doable tasks.

Oftentimes, the best approach to working on complex projects is tackling them in smaller steps. For example, if you want to organize clutter in the home, do it by room rather than all at once. Rank each room from easiest to most difficult. Then, schedule a time to work, and divide the rooms into manageable sections. When the easiest room is complete, you can gradually move on to the most difficult. This approach can work for any project.

Act in the moment.

Sometimes, the best course of action is not letting things become overwhelming to begin with. This means staying in the present and acting when necessary. A simple enough example: If you pass an open drawer, close it. When you see a clothing item strewn on the floor, pause and hang it up. The same is true for loose papers or a full wastebasket that needs emptying. Creating these small habits will make things more manageable throughout your day.

Create reminders.

Set a timer for 15 minutes and focus on just one thing during that time. Once the timer goes off, you can decide whether to keep going for another slot of 15 minutes or move on to something else. It’s important to be aware of how you are feeling so as not to become overwhelmed—if you find yourself unable to concentrate, try again later that day or the next until the project is finished. The point here is to feel a sense of accomplishment in that set amount of time.
The key for living successfully, Goetzke explains, has been setting up her life in a way that feels more manageable. By using strategic resources like calendars and reminders, she doesn’t get as overwhelmed.

variety of old clocks — iStock.com/mustafagull

“Always for me, taking a step back, counting to five, and making sure my emotions are in a positive state through deep breathing are keys to staying in positive, healthy, productive relationships,” she notes. She also uses scents to help ground her in the present moment “and stop my brain from hijacking my actions.”

Create a supportive environment.

Removing judgment and criticism is one of the most important aspects of creating a supportive environment, Obejas affirms. “It’s not that the person with ADHD has a bad attitude or doesn’t care,” she says. “Yelling at someone for failing to do something they are not able to do only creates shame and avoidance.”

In fact, some studies have shown that this can cause internalized negativity and self-blame that can end up hampering functioning.
To help manage symptoms, Obejas notes, loved ones need to step in and help create an environment that supports the person with ADHD.

The Whole Picture

As with any chronic health condition, a diagnosis of ADHD does not a person make. In other words, it’s important to look at the whole picture.
[pullquote align=”center”]“As hard as it can be sometimes, this is the only way I know how to be, so I’m trying to make the best of it.”
—Pauline Campos, freelance writer, ADHD sufferer[/pullquote]
“There are pluses and minuses to having severe ADHD,” says Campos. On her bad days, she admits often feeling useless, and her husband has to pick up the slack with tasks like cleaning.
“Other times, I feel like it’s all good and tell people ADHD is my superpower.” She says it’s given her the creative power and inspiration to write across multiple genres.

This isn’t uncommon, says Matlan, who has found that people with the condition possess a heightened sense of creativity and are capable of juggling many projects at once. Research supports this idea, as some studies suggest this divergent or “chaotic” thinking style facilitates “out of the box” thinking.
For Goetzke, who simultaneously runs a company and nonprofit, no problem or challenge seems too difficult to solve. She says her mind has a way of linking things together and coming up with ideas others may not necessarily perceive.
“Most people get exhausted hearing about the projects, yet with the right support, ideas, research, and connections, I find anything is possible, and my brain loves making it happen,” she says.
Similarly, Campos tries to focus on the positive: “As hard as it can be sometimes, this is the only way I know how to be, so I’m trying to make the best of it.”

Tags social

Healthy Relationships Wellbeing

My Colleague Is Having An Affair—Should I Expose It?

Post author By Cindy Lamothe
Post date October 5, 2018

“I was depleted by their dynamics and by being triangulated into their lies.”
Sheri remembers the toll keeping secrets took on her back in 2012. At the time, the NYC resident says she was collaborating on a therapeutic theater project with two colleagues who were having an affair.
Both had led her to believe that the wife was privy to the nature of their relationship, but it soon became apparent to Sheri that wasn’t the case. She recalls one gathering at the husband’s house; she noticed his wife sitting alone in the corner of a massive living room while everyone was in the backyard and kitchen.

“It was bizarre and sad,” Sheri tells HealthyWay. “While [the wife] understood [my colleagues] worked together for many years, her affect and isolation suggested she may have suspected more was happening but was misled to believe it was a platonic relationship.”

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

The science of infidelity is still murky territory and the statistics, well, bleak. Take for instance, this stat from private investigating agency Trustify, showing that 36 percent of men and women admit to having an affair with a co-worker (and this doesn’t account for those who don’t own up to the fact).
Since cheating includes a spectrum of behaviors, there’s no way to pinpoint an exact number of how many people are unfaithful, but what we do know for sure is that divorce rates in the U.S. are staggeringly high. According to the American Psychological Association, 40 to 50 percent of marriages end in divorce.

While cheating has a negative emotional impact on all involved, one lesser talked about effect is the one on bystanders: mainly, the witnesses to these clandestine relationships.
“It puts the third party in an untenable position,” says NYC family therapist, Kathryn Smerling, PhD, who specializes in creating healthy and meaningful relationships. “If she admits to seeing it, it could destroy her relationship with these people, and it makes her the secret keeper, and that’s a horrible position to have.”

We asked Sheri what she did after finding out.

Sheri says that the clandestine way in which her colleagues concealed the truth of their relationship around certain people reinforced to her their lack of transparency.
After weighing her options, she decided to speak with her colleagues about her concerns, but she says this did not go over well.
“I was characterized as irrational and difficult for insisting on honesty.”

After this eventful meeting, Sheri says she felt disoriented from the gaslighting and absence of any sort of ownership or remorse. But confiding in her colleagues didn’t lead to any kind of meaningful resolution. Instead, her refusal to be complicit in their dishonesty only spurred anger, she says, and this led to a major falling out.
Her colleagues’ toxic behavior afterward took more than an emotional toll, Sheri says. She began experiencing physical symptoms from the stress soon after. “My back went out, and I evidenced signs of metabolic stress for a while.”

Eventually, Sheri says it became clear she needed to end the friendship and the collaboration they had developed. “I was so disillusioned by the turn of events that I took leave from this project that I poured my heart and soul into.”
“I did consider exposing the affair,” she admits. “But I so desperately wanted to remove myself from the partnership that I feared the reprisal and further involvement.”

Damaging Secrets

“Knowing another’s secret, in general, is uncomfortable,” says Laura Dabney, MD, a marriage psychiatrist from Virginia. “If you have the added impact of this secret possibly negatively impacting the workplace, it’s a double whammy.”
The experience places an undue burden on the person who knows, she explains, and this often manifests in the way of anxiety and stress, including symptoms such as insomnia, irritability, avoidance behavior, chronic headaches, and worrying.

“It can be unsettling,” says Juli Fraga, PsyD, a relationship therapist based in San Francisco, because the person can feel like they’re holding a secret, and it can make interactions with colleagues more than uncomfortable. She notes that depending on the person’s personal background, they can also experience longer-term effects.
“If their parents divorced because of an affair,” she explains, “it could reopen childhood wounds and trauma.” Additionally, Fraga asserts that it might bring into question what trust means in relationships and cause the person to question how seemingly good people can do dishonest things. Depending on the person’s spiritual or religious beliefs, it can be that much more emotionally distressing.

If we were already conflicted and uncertain about our willingness to love and be loved, the witnessing of an affair can have a long-term effect on our decision to (or not to) enter intimate relationships, stresses Mark B. Borg, Jr., an NYC clinical psychologist and author of the forthcoming book Relationship Sanity: Creating and Maintaining Healthy Relationships.
“If it is a person or couple that we admire and respect, it can [also] impact how we feel not only about them and their coupleship, but how we feel about relationship itself.”

Pause and give yourself a moment to grieve.

Too often, the witness thinks only about what to do with the information, says Borg, and they completely overlook their own shock, hurt, and disappointment over being exposed to such uncomfortable, perhaps shocking, and shattering information.

After learning of her colleagues’ transgression, Sheri tells us she felt duplicitous and hypocritical colluding in the betrayal. But the loss felt two-fold—she was mourning the end of the friendship and her creative vision. “I was caught up in trying to protect my work from people who I erroneously believed were upholding and contributing to my personal mission to bring therapeutic theater to disenfranchised populations.”
“It will weigh on you,” Borg asserts, “and it is likely that you will need to grieve over losing the image that you had of this person before you found out.”

Define your boundaries ASAP.

Whether it’s narrowing all exchanges to cordial pleasantries or blocking the person’s number for good, it’s best to get distance from someone who’s having an affair, says Dabney. “They are consciously choosing to deal with a problem by doing something destructive and cruel, and it’s only a matter of time before the witness will get hurt as well.”

Conversely, if a friend starts to tell you about an affair, she insists it’s best to hold up a hand and let them know that’s information they should be talking about with their partner or therapist, and you would appreciate not being put in that awkward position.
Smerling also wants us to keep in mind that becoming overly involved in other people’s affairs is a clear signal that we’re blurring the lines between what we’re responsible for and what we are not.

Carefully weigh your options.

So…should you mind your own business? Expose it?
Below are options to considers, though “there isn’t a right or wrong answer,” Fraga asserts. “It depends on each person’s judgment.”

Say nothing.

In the case of a close friend who is being cheated on, Fraga says we should ask ourselves this one guiding question: If my friend knew my partner was having an affair and didn’t tell me, how might I feel? “I’d also say that it’s not [your] responsibility to do anything unless you feel compelled to do so.”

Along the same vein, Borg says exposing an affair to a partner will most certainly backfire in some way, and it’s more than likely that the affair-haver and the cheated-on other will both use you as a target of their hurt, their fear, and their rage—a “shoot the messenger” scenario. “It creates emotional displacement,” he explains. “If we assume that affairs happen for a reason, it’s possible that the reason will be convoluted, lost, or misdirected if you intervene.”
“The issue here might have less to do with how or if you expose the person’s infidelity,” Borg adds, and more about how it impacts your relationship with that person (as well as the person who is being cheated on).

And in the case of a virtual stranger (e.g., a college professor) experts agree that exposing the affair would be even more inappropriate unless someone was in imminent physical danger.

Talk to both parties about what you witnessed and let them know how you feel.

In general, it’s healthiest to never speak about anyone’s problems or issues with anyone else, says Dabney. “However, an affair in the workplace can be destructive, so this may be an exception.” If possible, opt for a better way of dealing with your experience rather than exposing it by offering to discuss what you’ve witnessed and felt with that person.

But this can be tricky, notes Smerling, as approaching the couple and letting them know you’re uncomfortable could jeopardize your job (depending on the hierarchy).

Talk to human resources or your boss for guidance.

Your best bet is staying far from the chaos, but going up the ladder could be necessary if the affair is creating a toxic work environment. While opting to tell HR can be risky business since they exist primarily to protect the company, expressing your concerns openly can provide a paper trail in the event of a colleague’s retaliation.

“If your colleagues are at a higher level, then it is best to stay out of it because you run the risk of being the ‘fall guy,’” says Dabney. However, if the colleagues are of a lower level or if the couple is mixed levels (one higher than the other), she recommends letting the person above them know. But Dabney offers one caveat when telling: It’s best to be brief and stick to the known facts and not draw the conclusion of “affair.”

Seek advice from a therapist or trusted friend.

The consensus among experts is to seek advice if what you know is affecting your day-to-day.
“It’s not something you can handle on your own,” says Smerling. “You need to get help from a professional who can guide you into how to compartmentalize the feelings you have by knowing about the affair.”

Likewise, Borg believes making sure that you get whatever support, care, and love that you need after experiencing the way that someone else’s crisis was acted out is a good first step.

Lessons Learned

In the aftermath of the falling out, Sheri says the betrayal impacted her ability to re-engage meaningfully with the theater project she had worked so hard to develop.
“The affair was a glaring reflection of the duplicity I refused to see,” she says. “It awakened me to how my desire to manifest my creative vision blinded me to exercising better judgment.”

It’s now been six years after everything went down, and Sheri tells us she’s in a better place. Satirizing the whole experience in a play has allowed her to channel her feelings and find catharsis and healing.
We asked how being witness to an affair has changed her.
“I became much more guarded and meticulous as to who I would continue to involve myself with,” she says. “It led to my doing a complete overhaul of my relationships.”

Tags Commerce, social

Nosh

Foods You’d Never Suspect Of Causing Foodborne Illness (And How To Avoid It)

Post author By Cindy Lamothe
Post date October 4, 2018

Let us begin with a scene I call “The Ghost of Foodborne Illness Past.”
You’re at what looks to be a swanky new restaurant and you order the special: shrimp ceviche. It looks magical. Music is definitely playing in the background when you snap the perfect photo and post online (#foodie!). Sure, the shrimp might smell slightly off, but it tastes even better than it looks.
Fast-forward to the present and you’re pretty sure you won’t survive to see beyond the four walls of your bathroom. All kinds of ungodly things have taken place that you are definitely not ready to talk about.

This, my friend, is the disarraying rollercoaster that is foodborne illness.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), an estimated 48 million people get sick from food in the U.S. each year. “Remember, bacteria are not visible to the human eye, and there could easily be enough to give you a full-blown case of food poisoning, even if everything looks, smells, and tastes fine,” says Kristin Koskinen, RDN, a registered dietitian nutritionist based in Washington.
If only you had known what to look for. If only you could go back in time. We feel you, and we’re here to help. Consider this your primer on risky foods and tips for avoiding this travesty altogether.

Foodborne Illness for the Uninitiated

Let’s rewind and cover the basics. Foodborne illness occurs when a person ingests food that has been contaminated or has been prepared or stored in a way that allowed existing pathogens to survive and multiply. “The initial bout of foodborne illness can be life-threatening, depending on the pathogen and the person,” says Koskinen.

According to the Mayo Clinic, symptoms of foodborne illness (that you’re probably well acquainted with by now) include nausea, vomiting, watery or bloody diarrhea, abdominal pain or cramps, and fever. And any of these can last from a few hours to several days. However, if you find yourself with an oral temperature higher than 100.4 degrees Fahrenheit (38 Celsius), it’s time to seek medical attention.

Also be on the lookout for signs of dehydration (including dry mouth and little or no urination) or symptoms like blurry vision and muscle weakness.

What are the causes?

Foodborne illness can come from pathogens such as bacteria, viruses, parasites, or molds, as well as contaminants such as dust with heavy metals, chemicals, or other toxins. Some of the most common forms of foodborne illness come from norovirus, salmonella, listeria, Clostridium perfringens, Campylobacter, and Staphylococcus aureus. “People with compromised immune systems, young children, the elderly, and pregnant women are more susceptible to food poisoning,” Koskinen notes.

Assuming you live to tell the tale, you may end up with long-lasting effects from the infection, she adds. While we’ve all experienced the unpleasantness of the occasional stomach bug, foodborne illness can pose some serious risks ranging from kidney failure and brain damage to death. In fact, Foodsafety.gov reports that in the U.S. alone, approximately 3,000 people die each year of illnesses associated with foodborne illness.

The Usual Suspects

“Many people think of undercooked poultry or potato salad left in the summer sun as top food sources of foodborne illness,” says Koskinen.
But the truth is a lot shadier.
“The thing about foodborne illness is that all foods are possible carriers,” she insists. “If not because they are breeding grounds for microorganisms, but due to cross contamination.”
For example, bread is typically considered a safe food. However, invisible mold spores from one piece may contaminate other pieces without any fuzzy evidence.

Likewise, if you handle contaminated raw meat and then touch an otherwise ready-to-serve item, the ready-to-serve item is now contaminated.
Still, some foods have a worse rap than others, which is why we’ve broken it down for you with this handy list of a few common risky foods to look out for:

Poultry

You probably guessed this immediately—and for good reason. The harbinger of multiple bacteria types, raw poultry can become contaminated with salmonella or Campylobacter.

Eating an undercooked bird (or even digesting its juices) puts you at risk for foodborne illness. Stay on the safe side by employing these four simple steps when handling and preparing poultry.

Eggs

What came first, the salmonella or the egg? While we may never know the answer, one thing’s for sure: Finding out ain’t no walk in the park. The CDC warns that a normal-looking egg can be the culprit for making you really, really sick.

But take heart, you can reduce your risk by cooking eggs to an internal temperature of 160 degrees Fahrenheit (71 degrees Celcius) or hotter, refrigerating them promptly after cooking, and making sure to wash your hands and basically all the things that came into contact with them afterward.

Cheese

Raise your hand if you’re starting to feel personally attacked. Turns out our favorite food comes with a high risk for listeria. Brie, camembert, ricotta, and feta all sound delicious but can be huge risk factors, especially for pregnant women.

Even a mild infection can cause miscarriage or premature birth.

Berries

Before you pop another unwashed berry in your mouth, consider this: A dime-sized morsel can be your downfall.
There’s a reason your mom was always yelling at you to wash your fruit before eating—the little suckers have been linked to a germ called Cyclospora, which causes severe diarrhea, dehydration, and cramps.

Raw Seafood

Not to scare you off your next ceviche, but it turns out some deadly Vibrio infections are associated with eating raw shellfish (sushi lovers take heed: Your favorite treat may carry parasites and liver flukes).

Even scarier? According to WebMD, there’s no specific cure available for shellfish poisoning, and antibiotics don’t shorten the illness. Meaning…I’m out.

Foods You’d Never Expect to Cause Foodborne Illness

Melons

When not properly washed before slicing, this tasty fruit can become contaminated with salmonella.

In fact, pre-cut melon sold in clear, plastic containers accounted for over sixty cases of salmonella outbreak earlier this year as reported by Alix Langone at Time.

Romaine Lettuce

While you’re fretting about the potato salad or ground beef at your friend’s BBQ, romaine lettuce is yet another thing to add to your list of concerns.
The leafy vegetable was recently associated with five deaths and numerous illnesses caused by E. coli infections.

Deli Meats

Not-so-fun fact: listeria or Staphylococcus aureus can occur after factory cooking or at the deli counter (I mean, are there any safe foods?). Turns out, the bacteria that causes listeriosis live in soil or animal intestines and can contaminate food.

If you think that is way more info than you needed to know—you would be right. Heat up all your meats, basically.

Raw Sprouts

You probably have a box of these stashed in your fridge somewhere (especially if you’ve recently hopped onto the healthy-eating bandwagon) but here’s something you should know: They’ve been known to carry salmonella, E. coli, and listeria. It’s like the jackpot of risky foods. In other words, be afraid, be very afraid. All kidding aside: Cook before you eat.

Ready-to-Eat Foods

Restaurant goers beware: Your favorite menu items can easily be contaminated with norovirus. The most commonly contaminated prepared foods, according to Koskinen, include salads, sandwiches, ice, cookies, and fruit. This is just another reason to be picky about which establishments you choose to frequent.

Meat and Poultry Products Like Stews, Casseroles, and Gravy

These staples are linked to institutional-style food service, like what you might see in cafeteria or banquet settings, explains Koskinen. When made in large batches and kept warm for too long before serving, these products may include a helping of Clostridium perfringens.

Signs to Look Out For

Koskinen warns us against relying on obvious tell-tale signs to determine when foods have gone bad (e.g. off color, off smell, a furry coat of mold). “It’s foolish to depend on your senses to decide if a pathogenic overgrowth has happened.”

Similarly, we shouldn’t buy into the belief that refrigeration and freezing kill bacteria. They don’t. “Refrigeration and freezing simply slow down the pathogen reproduction,” she explains. “Freezing slows it down more, which is why we can keep foods longer in the freezer than the refrigerator, and why you can get food poisoning from foods left in the refrigerator too long.”
So what then is the key to knowing whether your meal is safe or not? According to Koskinen, we should look to our local newspaper to find out if any restaurants have been flagged by the health department. “I follow which restaurants are issued infractions and what those infractions are.”
Keep an eye out for establishments that have been cited for having limited access to a hand washing sink or with no soap at the sink. If you aren’t privy to a health department report, you can get a feel for whether a food purveyor’s prioritizing sanitation by the way they keep the rest of the restaurant. Dirty restrooms or dining areas are a good indicator that things may not be as clean as they should be in the kitchen, Koskinen notes.

Overall, she asks us to keep in mind that “quality restaurants are obsessive about cleanliness, as not only the safety of their guests, but their reputations depend on it.”
Needless to say, any signs of vermin should be a red flag. (In other words, RUN.)

Tips for Avoiding Foodborne Illness.

While you can never get back those precious hours of life back, there are a few things you can do to avoid another 12-hour bathroom fiasco:

Wash your hands.

Always wash your hands before you eat or prepare food. Also, remember to wash thoroughly before cooking, and even more often if you’re dealing with raw meats or produce.

“Thorough hand washing means using soap and warm water,” Koskinen insists, stressing that any wanna-be cooks should remember to wash the fronts, backs, palms, between the fingers and under the nails for 20 seconds or more. “Sing the ABC song as a good guideline of what 20 seconds is,” she says.

Cook foods thoroughly.

Especially meats (even more important for those who like their steaks on the rare side). Also, remember to use this chart provided by the CDC for safe food-cooking temperatures. Be sure to keep hot food hot and cold food cold.

“Hot food should be kept at 140 degrees or warmer, cold foods at 40 degrees or cooler,” Koskinen says. “Anything else puts your food in the ‘Danger Zone,’ which is where bacteria most rapidly multiply.”

Store properly.

Keep raw meat, poultry, seafood, and eggs separate from ready-to-eat foods. This means not storing raw animal proteins directly above the latter in the fridge.

Food should be stored within two hours of being served, but that time goes down to one hour if service is outside and the ambient temperature is 90 degrees or warmer.

Be proactive.

So you’ve survived to tell the tale of your food poisoning misfortunes—now what? Aside from becoming a restaurant-hermit for the next few months, you can opt to pay it forward (your new-found wisdom, that is). The CDC has outlined a few key ways you can help prevent future foodborne disease outbreaks, namely, by reporting your illness to our Health Department, speaking to your health care provider, and keeping track of what you ate and did before getting sick (gather food receipts and sharing this info with investigators).

All of this sounds well and good, but if you’re still feeling wary of ever dining out again, remember this: the best treatment is prevention and trusting your gut (if the ceviche smells off, please don’t eat it). Or as Koskinen puts it: “When in doubt, throw it out. A bit of leftover picnic food for lunch isn’t worth a trip to the hospital.”
I think we can all heartily agree with that logic.

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Favorite Finds Motherhood

15 Baby And Kids' Products You Can Live Without…And What To Buy Instead

Post author By Cindy Lamothe
Post date October 2, 2018

When it comes to buying products for your little one, decision fatigue is real. You’ve probably scoured way too many baby item Pinterest boards to count. Truth is, there are an overwhelming amount of options and some pretty compelling reasons to want to buy all the things, causing you to quickly overspend.
Rather than waste your much-needed resources on products you don’t actually need, there are items worth every penny, and we’re here to break them down for you. Below are 15 baby and kids products you can definitely live without—and what to shop for instead!

Baby Products

1. Don’t do: Baby wipe warmer.

This is first on our list because it’s one of the most tempting purchases to pick up before your little bundle of joy arrives. It seems logical that your baby’s tiny bottom would need warm wipes, right? Wrong. From my experience, my little one couldn’t tell the difference between a room temperature wipe from a “warmed up” one. And believe you me, in those early days of parenting, you’ll be using those wipes so often that you’ll practically rip them out of the package.

Do try: These delightfully absorbent burp cloths.

Your baby is going to spit all up on you (and then some), and for this reason, you must be prepared. While wipes generally come in handy for any number of things, you’ll want to protect your clothes from getting wet in the first place. That’s why ARNIZION’s Curved Burp Cloths are so great.

You just sling one of their 100 percent cotton cloths over your shoulder, and not only will it protect you from your little angel’s drips and drools, but it also won’t slip off easily. Trust me, you’ll be using these round the clock.
[link-button href=”https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Cloths-Curved-Absorbent-Valuable/dp/B075F3MQQX”]ARNIZION Baby Burp Cloth Set, $10.99 from Amazon[/link-button]

2. Don’t do: Bottle warmers.

Likewise with wipe warmers: Just don’t. Many of us parents are easily duped into these items before our kids arrive because let’s face it: We have no idea what we’re getting into. It’s like when you’re going on vacation and you buy (and then pack) a bunch of needless stuff you end up regretting. Luckily, those of us on the other side can let other parents know ahead of time.
Instead of paying money for this contraption, run your baby’s bottle under a hot faucet or warm it in a cup of hot water—BOOM. Remember, each formula’s instructions will be different, but a good rule of thumb is that it should be body temperature, meaning, it should feel warm or cool, but never hot.

Do try: Baby bottles worth investing in.

Rather than spend money on unnecessary items, spend a little more on the quality of your baby bottles (I promise, it’s worth it).

Philips Avent Anti-Colic Baby Bottles are beloved far and wide for their design and durability. And as their name implies, they are clinically proven to reduce your baby’s colic, meaning less gas and fussiness (aka a more rested you).
[link-button href=”https://www.amazon.com/Philips-Avent-Anti-colic-Bottles-Clear/dp/B01M1DSSSX”]Philips Avent Anti-Colic Baby Bottles, $16.99 from Amazon[/link-button]

3. Don’t do: Baby perfume.

One of the things I love the most about my munchkin is that he always smells like peanut butter. No matter what he eats. It’s the weirdest, most lovable scent in the world to me, and I promise your little one will be equally delicious to inhale. In fact, research has shown that women, mothers or not, tend to enjoy a baby’s scent. Which brings me to my point: You do not need to cover them up with pricey, superficial fragrance.

Do try: These baby grooming essentials.

Keep your small human healthy and groomed with this handy 17-piece kit by The First Years. My two-year-old still uses the majority of these essentials.

The pack of neat items includes a nasal aspirator for cleaning out a runny nose, a digital thermometer, a medicine spoon with a cap, a nail clipper, a tiny brush and comb, and even a small rattle to keep your baby entertained and distracted. All of this comes in a practical bag to take with you on outings and trips.
[link-button href=”https://www.amazon.com/First-Years-American-Healthcare-Grooming/dp/B000LZFZVS”]Baby Healthcare And Grooming Kit, $17.13 from Amazon[/link-button]

4. Don’t do: Changing tables.

Confession time: I purchased the loveliest of changing tables before my little one got here. How did this happen? Because all of those Pinterest boards with the cute nursery rooms had them, and it seemed logical that you’d need a special place to change your child’s diapers. But here’s the thing, when it comes to parenting, you want to look at the long game (I can say this now in hindsight); in other words, find furniture that your child won’t outgrow.

Do try: A dresser that will go the distance.

Here’s what I wish I had bought two years ago: The Delta Children Universal 6 Drawer Dresser; you just set up a changing kit and pad on top, and you’re good to go.

Once your baby starts potty training, you simply take it off and have a completely functional furniture item to last you for years. Hurrah!
[link-button href=”https://www.amazon.com/Delta-Children-Universal-Drawer-Dresser/dp/B01DPH3YT8″]Delta Children Universal 6 Drawer Dresser, $249.99 from Amazon[/link-button]

5. Don’t do: Baby pillow.

As we’re certain you’ve heard before, anything other than a fitted sheet in your baby’s crib is a big no-no. Tempting as it may be, your baby will be perfectly fine to sleep without one, and you’ll stave off any potential choking hazards.

Do try: A magical sound machine to get your baby to sleep.

You know what becomes your top priority? Getting your small angel to sleep through the night. As every parent since the beginning of time can tell you, this is no easy feat. Luckily, the Baby Sleep Soother Sound Machine is basically magic.

The shushing heartbeat sound, white noise, and soft, pulsing light will lull your baby into dreamland. You can set a 10-, 20-, or 30-minute shut-off timer, too, so you can head to bed.
[link-button href=”https://www.amazon.com/Munchkin-Portable-Sleep-Soother-Machine/dp/B01M8PJO3W”]Portable Baby Sleep Soother Sound Machine, $17.75 from Amazon[/link-button]

6. Don’t do: Diaper pails.

Diaper pails are easily one of the most overhyped items on this list. Sure, this seems like an incredibly important purchase, but really, all you need is any closed trash bin. Trust me, you’re not going to want to fill a diaper pail to the brim with stinky, soiled diapers. You’re going to immediately take out the trash after a poopy session (of which there will be plenty), so why invest in a fancy bin?

Do try: Keep your baby nearby with this rocking bassinet.

Whether you’re unsure if you’ll co-sleep or have your little angel sleep in a crib, one thing is for sure: You’ll have round the clock feedings. And for this reason, a bassinet can feel like a life-saver.

This portable bassinet by MiClassic makes sleep time a lot more manageable with its brilliant rocking mode. It also gives you the option of folding into a carry on bag for traveling.
[link-button href=”https://www.amazon.com/Rocking-Bassinet-One-Second-Portable-Newborn/dp/B06ZZP4TCP”]MiClassic Rocking Bassinet, $74.99 from Amazon[/link-button]

7. Don’t do: Designer diaper bag.

As tempting as a designer bag may seem, resist the urge to spend hundreds of dollars on something meant to get dirty (diaper cream and sippy cup spillage come to mind). More importantly, you’re going to need that extra money for the loads upon loads of diapers you will actually need.

Do try: This fashionably frugal tote.

Being practical doesn’t mean you have to give up style! The striped tote from Primebabe is fashionable, and it’s also large enough to fit all of your baby’s essentials.

It also comes with an assortment of neat (and useful) accessories: a changing pad for all your outings, a bottle bag, adjustable shoulder strap, and a cute mini purse.
[link-button href=”https://www.amazon.com/Capacity-Primebabe-Stroller-Organizer-Changing/dp/B01N0XP3MB”]Primebabe 5 in 1 Baby Diaper Bag, $24.99 from Amazon[/link-button]

8. Scented detergent.

While most people will simply tell you don’t do the thing, let me share my experience: I, too, bought into the hype of spending money on scented laundry detergent before my son was born, and wouldn’t-ya-know-it—he has sensitive skin. Meaning it was all for waste. Babies come straight from the womb with delicate, pristine skin—no need to push harsh soaps on them. WebMD recommends sticking to fragrance-free laundry detergents whenever possible and to keep in mind that liquid rinses out better than flakes.

Do try: A free and clear detergent that won’t harm your little one.

Since you have no way of knowing how your baby will react, keep things on the safe side with Seventh Generation’s Concentrated Laundry Detergent, an unscented and hypoallergenic alternative.

You’ll never spend as much time washing clothes as when you have a small human in your home (unless there are several!), which is all the more reason to opt for a detergent that is both tough on stains and gentle for your skin.
[link-button href=”https://www.amazon.com/Seventh-Generation-Concentrated-Detergent-Unscented/dp/B0091DS0UY”]Seventh Generation’s Concentrated Laundry Detergent, $25.99 from Amazon[/link-button]

9. Don’t do: Baby shoes galore.

Teeny tiny baby shoes are the cutest. I really, truly understand the desire to buy them in the dozens. But here’s a fact: They have no actual purpose other than looking all kinds of adorable. Baby shoes for a non-walking baby is basically throwing money into a big ole’ pit with little return. Since we know the temptation is strong, we recommend limiting yourself to buying only one pair for all your photo-taking needs.

Do try: These stylish bibs that keep your baby drool-free.

There are few things I know for certain, but one of them is this: You can never have too many bibs in your parenting arsenal.

As we’ve established before, babies love to spit up all over us and themselves (and just wait until they’re teething!). These super absorbent drool bibs will keep your little one nice and dry.
[link-button href=”https://www.amazon.com/Parker-Baby-Bandana-Drool-Bibs/dp/B074NXP1GR”]Parker’s Baby Bandana Drool Bibs, $21.80 from Amazon[/link-button]

10. Don’t do: Expensive bedding.

They add a layer of cuteness to your nursery room, you might say. But in reality, all of those frilly bumpers and pillows are problematic as they put your baby at risk for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, as soft and loose bedding can increase the potential risk of suffocation. Like we said before, you only really need a soft fitted crib sheet to cover the mattress pad, which is your safest option for bedtime.

Do try: These baby-hugging wearable blankets.

If you’re worried about your munchkin staying warm, there’s a perfect alternative to potentially hazardous bedding.

This wearable blanket from Bon Bebe Baby is pure cotton and keeps your little one nice and cozy without the added risk. This is one of our favorite items on this list, and one you’ll most likely use all day.
[link-button href=”https://www.amazon.com/Bon-Bebe-Friends-Assorted-Wearable/dp/B01D1RTA1S”]Bon Bebe Baby’s Wearable Blanket, $14.99 from Amazon[/link-button]

Kids’ Products

11. Don’t do: Musical potty.

At some point in your potty training trajectory, you will have the impulse to buy a potty with flashing lights and loud sounds. It’ll make poopy time so fun, you’ll say. Well, I am here to help you resist that urge.
Just no. Kids don’t need all those bells and whistles to do their business (promise!). It’s nothing an average-priced potty seat and good old-fashioned patience can’t handle.

Do try: A book to guide you on the potty training path.

A good friend of mine says that life is all about strategy. That’s why parents need The Complete Guide to Potty Training by Michelle D. Swaney.

Sure, while your child’s milestone (sans diaper) seems pretty straightforward, it can also get exasperating. Needless to say, difficulties will arise, and it’s times like these where you’ll want the step-by-step guidance of experts.
[link-button href=”https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Guide-Potty-Training-Step/dp/1641520116″]The Complete Guide to Potty Training, $11.12 from Amazon[/link-button]

12. Don’t do: Toys that sing or light up.

Another tempting buy, and one totally not worth your money. While initially entertaining, the batteries wear off fast or the toy will stop working altogether. I can personally vouch for the tedium of having your child go into full tantrum mode because their once favorite teddy no longer lights up. Yeah…best to avoid this pitfall altogether.

Do try: Fostering their musical talents.

Encourage your child’s creativity by letting them come up with their own rhythms instead. Science has shown that a child’s brain is enhanced by learning to play a musical instrument. According to Melissa Locker at Time, “This helps them develop ‘neurophysiological distinction’ between certain sounds that can aid in literacy, which can translate into improved academic results for kids.”

This set of kids’ musical instruments not only lasts longer than a singing toy, but it also allows a child to create their own melodies. The complete set comes with various instruments for a wider range of sounds and is safe to use for younger kids as well.
[link-button href=”https://www.amazon.com/Innocheer-Kids-Musical-Instruments-Tambourine/dp/B01L6ZMVYU”]Innocheer Kids Musical Instruments, $27.99 from Amazon[/link-button]

13. Don’t do: Brand-name apparel.

There’s honestly nothing more frustrating than spending a large chunk of a paycheck on a jazzy outfit your child will outgrow in a matter of months. Avoid overpaying for brand-name clothes and opt instead for buying from big box retailers and thrift stores, which offer similar value for a LOT less.

Do try: A durable backpack that lasts all year.

Aside from making sure your child’s sporting a backpack that’s stylish and functional, you’ll want to go for one that’s going to be easy on their back. Remember that a heavy bag can cause nerve damage to your kiddo’s arms and shoulders, so investing in a high-quality book bag should be a priority.

We recommend MIFULGOO’s Kids Waterproof Backpack for its smart design, roomy compartments, and added reflector (which combines safety with style).
[link-button href=”https://www.amazon.com/Waterproof-Backpack-Elementary-Middle-Reflector/dp/B01GS63Q3M”]MIFULGOO Kids Waterproof Backpack, $24.52 from Amazon[/link-button]

14. Don’t do: Fancy laptops.

You might easily be tempted to overspend thousands of dollars on the latest high-tech laptop computer, but keep in mind: Does your kid really need it? With the ever-changing tech landscape, it makes no sense to spend an exorbitant amount of funds on a laptop that will quickly become outdated.

Do try: Getting a cost-effective alternative.

If your child would mainly use a pricey MacBook Air for surfing the web and watching Netflix, you’re better off opting for a Google-powered Acer Chromebook, which offers the same value for a fraction of the cost.

The convertible laptop boots up in seconds, has full HD touch, 4GB memory, and a 12-hour battery life. Put the rest of what you would have spent on a fancy laptop toward their college fund (trust me, they’ll thank you later).
[link-button href=”https://www.amazon.com/Acer-Chromebook-Convertible-13-3-inch-CB5-312T-K5X4/dp/B01LXYG77O”]Acer Chromebook R 13 Convertible, $329.99 from Amazon[/link-button]

15. Don’t do: Extravagant birthdays.

Alright, alright—this one’s not exactly a “product,” but it does involve a lot of wasted money. Sure, we want our kids to have the most magical of days, but as Samantha Kemp-Jackson of HuffPost questioned, are expensive kiddie birthday parties more over-indulgent than they are necessary?
Some researchers have found that spoiling children at a young age can pose long-term effects such as poor social skills, irresponsibility, and lack of independence. Kemp-Jackson noted that this might be “to make up for our feelings of parental inadequacy and engagement by spending lots of money.”

Do try: Taking them on an adventure.

Your kids will only be little for so long, so don’t spend a fortune on birthday supplies that you’ll only use once when you can opt for more memorable experiences. Pack their bag (we recommend MiniMAX’s Children’s Trolley Luggage) and take them camping to watch falling stars.

Hit the road (or the sky) for an adventurous trip, or simply spend the day at the beach. After all, there’s nothing more extravagant than the gift of your undivided attention.
[link-button href=”https://www.amazon.com/MiniMAX-Childrens-Suitcase-Backpack-Favourite/dp/B01LWJP6SZ”]MiniMAX’s Children’s Trolley Luggage, $33.99 from Amazon[/link-button]

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