Author: Dr. Andra Brosh

If you’re sensible, you probably select your romantic partners based on looks, character, and compatibility. But you might be surprised to learn that you also unconsciously choose a partner for a few other reasons that are important to be aware of.

Mate selection is as old as our species, and quite honestly not much has changed. Our ancestors picked viable partners for survival and procreation purposes, and although we would all like to think that we have evolved beyond those primitive instincts, we are still picking our short- or long-term partners for some of the same reasons.

Before technology came to dominate all our social interactions, there was something called flirting. Remember that concept? You would see someone across the room, have a moment of connection, and send a whole slew of signals that could easily be interpreted as interest. But what is it that pulls you toward that one potential mate instead of all the others in the room (or on your current dating website)?

Many people would say that the most important part of selecting a partner is chemistry. People have to feel attracted to the person before they’ll even consider them as a viable option.

It turns out that what we call chemistry is a bit more interesting than simple sexual attraction, though.

I recently attended a relationship conference with a keynote presentation by Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a biological anthropologist who has spent an enormous amount of time studying pair bonding and the human relationship as it relates to love and desire.

She describes romantic love as the most powerful brain system, and her research has shown that it’s not any different from our pre-wired fear system. Not surprisingly, romantic love is universal, it’s not gender specific (although men fall in love faster), and it’s actually considered to be a physical drive just like the one that tells you to eat.

Fisher presented her research-based findings on why we pair bond. It turns out that 97 percent of mammals don’t pair up at all, so this idea of choosing a life partner is almost unique to the human species. Originally our ancestors partnered up because survival and raising children would be nearly impossible alone, but we now know that this primitive form of partnership has evolved into much more—with greater demands on each partner’s role and the level of needs that have to be met.

Although our conscious reasons for choosing that special someone have evolved along with the modern-day purposes for a life partner, there is still this unconscious evolutionary selection process happening beneath the surface, and it’s based on three motivations.

Number One: Genetic Incompatibility 

Major histocompatibility complex (MHC) refers to a particular set of genes you inherit in your immune system, which are your body’s chemical defense system against intruding aliens. Each of us inherits our own version of this complex set of genes. 

According to Fisher we are regularly attracted to individuals who have a different genetic profile to ensure that we bear more varied young and that we can co-parent with a wider array of parenting skills. We do this through the sense of smell, so we can literally “sniff out” the partner who has the greatest chance of being the most different genetically. In other words, this is a way to prevent inbreeding, and it also ensures that your children will be healthy and have strong immune systems.

Number Two: Procreation 

One of the main reasons you choose a partner is because you are designed to have children whether you want them or not. Although you can shut down your conscious desire to produce offspring, your instinctual system is still at play, pulling you toward a partner who will give your children the best genetic advantage and chance of survival. 

When you find yourself attracted to someone, part of your evolutionary system is focusing on build, body type, facial shape, and ability to either provide (hunt/gather) or nurture (caregiving). This is something to keep in mind when you find yourself attracted to a particular type that may not actually be the best fit for you.

Number Three: Brain Chemistry 

Some of the most interesting work Fisher has done involves understanding the brain chemistry behind romantic love. Certain parts of the brain and particular neurochemicals get triggered when we feel attracted to someone and ultimately fall in love. 

The neurochemical dopamine—part of the “reward” system in your brain—triggers the sex drive and the desire that pulls you toward a lover. Ultimately the reward transitions into bonding and attachment, and this is when a real relationship is formed. This system of brain chemistry evolved for the survival of our species, and it still kicks in today regardless of your longer term intentions or how you ultimately feel about the person.

These factoids on your love life may not be too romantic, but it’s always helpful to understand what’s going on beneath the surface so you can be more in control of your behavior, emotions, and decisions when it comes to finding a suitable partner.

Too many of us end up in the wrong relationship with someone who appeared to be right only to realize that what we saw in them didn’t turn out to be what we got.

Motherhood is an eternal gift that offers amazing life lessons. Having children changes you on the deepest level, and it also shifts your perception of the world. The level of responsibility and pressure around raising a decent human being can feel overwhelming and sometimes impossible, but no less rewarding.

The skill of parenting is both learned and intuitive. Certain parental qualities are inherited through role modeling or early caregiving experiences, but much of what a woman knows about being a mother is evolutionarily wired into her. The contrast between what comes in as knowledge and what is inherent can create conflict and confusion around the “right” way to parent.

Many women find it hard to trust their natural maternal instincts and feel the pressure to turn to books, experts, and doctors for answers that they can receive on their own by building self-trust and honoring the deep-seated knowledge that comes with being a mother.

As a therapist and mother of two grown children, I wanted to share a few tips that I learned by trial and error, and by honoring my own intrinsic instincts as opposed to my education.

You’re good enough, you don’t need to be great. You don’t need to be perfect in your parenting. Children learn as much from what you do wrong as from what you do well so trust the learning that comes with the messiness.

You’re a human being before you’re a mother. The maternal identity is very strong and a beautiful part of who you are, but you are always a human being first. Remembering this will allow you to be compassionate and vulnerable—two important qualities for a mother.

When your children leave the nest you’ll feel lost and untethered for a long while. It’s hard to prepare for this day, but it inevitably comes. Be prepared to feel like you’ve lost a limb, because when you dedicate your whole life to something there is always a loss when it’s gone.

Even your worst parenting mistakes won’t make a dent in the love you’ve provided. Avoid obsessing over small things like becoming impatient or forgetting something on the calendar because most of the time you’re providing amazing care. A little goes a long way with your children so trust the power of your love.

Worrying is a maternal instinct not a sign that you’re overreacting. There is no way you can avoid worrying about your children on every level. Worry is a natural parent of being a mother because you’re responsible for your children’s well-being. Allow it to happen and trust that it’s part of your instincts.

Remember to always put your oxygen mask on first. Self-care is the first thing to go with parenting. Taking care of yourself is a way of role modeling self-value to your children. They need to know that Mommy’s health is important because then they will respect this about you and themselves.

Know that even when your advice gets rejected it’s still sinking in. Kids hear more than you realize, and they do take things in even if they seem like they’re ignoring you. You only need to say something once because they will take what they need and reject what they don’t.

No matter how cool you try to be you’ll always be embarrassing. We all want to be “cool” when it comes to our kids, but you are embarrassing simply because you’re a parent. Being “friends” with your kids is not a healthy goal. You are the adult and they will respect that about you.

Savor all the moments in the car even when you’re sick of being a chauffeur. The undivided attention you get while in the car is unparalleled. Take advantage of this alone time when you have their attention by staying off phones and trying to make conversation.

Learn to let go before you actually have to do it. Letting go is a long process so don’t wait until you have to do it. Practice little pockets of letting go each time they separate a little more. It’s easy to ignore it, but take it in and let it affect you as it happens.

If you want your child to use less technology then try doing it yourself first. Put down your phone and make it a point to be together in real time. This modeling will teach them more than your nagging or complaining about their screen time.

Get intimate with your intuition because it knows more than your brain ever will. Trust your gut and what you feel because you are intuitively wired to “know” as a mother. Your brain will be filled with what you think is right, but what you know in your heart is what matters.

Be a better listener than talker. Sometimes it’s better to just listen than talk. Give your kids a space to vent without giving input or advice. This lets them uncover their own strength and trust their own process of self-discovery and learning.

Model vulnerability if you want the same in return. This is the “go first” method where you show your feelings and share your thoughts as a role model for your kids. This lets them know that it’s safe to share because mom does it.

Find the balance between freedom and trust because you can’t have one without the other. Freedom is earned through trust when it comes to parenting. The more they honor and respect the freedom they’re given, the more they will want to build trust to maintain it.

Make sure the skill of sharing feelings is as valued as grades or awards. It’s easy to get over focused on accomplishment, but emotional intelligence is even more important. An expressive and emotionally aware child will get much further than one who is only book smart.

Let your kids struggle because it’s an inherent part of the human experience. We live in a time of helicopter parenting, but you have to let your kids struggle so they can learn to be resilient and to tolerate difficult aspects of life.

What you do counts way more than what you don’t. When you feel guilty for not spending enough time with your children you can make up for it by simple moments of high-quality time. They will remember the time spent together more than the time apart.

Being present is the greatest gift you could ever give. We can all be better at this, but making a conscious effort to put everything down and pay attention when your child wants to engage with you will allow you to be present and available in a new way.

If you want to raise good human beings be one yourself. You are a role model, and if you can remember this you’ll make choices and behave in ways that are aligned with how you want your children to be. They notice what you do and say, so practice being a good human all the time.

Being alone is hard enough, but when you’re between relationships it can feel torturous. Every day feels like an eternity, and adjusting to single life is exhausting. Most of us are in relationships in part to avoid being single, so when this life transition inevitability presents itself, we face it with a sense of dread.
I’ve written quite a bit about loneliness and being alone, and I have personally felt differently about these states of being depending on where I am in my own life. I’ve learned that it’s much easier to give advice on how to feel less lonely when I’m not feeling it myself, and I enjoy sharing tips about how to be alone when I’m feeling more confident about spending time with myself.
Right now loneliness and being alone—they’re two separate things in my mind—are both strongly present for me and I’m needing to get very creative. Recently I went the entire day without talking to anyone. Not because I was avoiding the world, but because my life is structured in such a way that I don’t have much contact with people. This makes dealing with loneliness tricky, because forcing myself to seek out socialization feels unnatural. But I know I won’t survive without some form of connection.
You may have a solitary life as well, or you may be in a work environment around a lot of people yet still feel lonely. That’s just as bad in my book, because the need to put on a happy face can get old really fast. This is one of the first things to remember about loneliness. Being around strangers you don’t really care about doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll feel less lonely. In fact, it can often feel worse.
So how does one cope when straddling the breakup gap between lost love and new love? It’s an ongoing education for sure, but I’ve come up with a few tactics that I hope you’ll find easy and helpful as you move through this transition of your life.

Binge on Movies

I know this sounds like a crazy and unhealthy coping mechanism (especially coming from a therapist), but there was a time when movies were the only pastime. It’s only in our modern culture that we shy away from this great distraction because of how technologically addicted we all are. Look at this the same way you would if you were on vacation and wanting to kind of check out from your life. You’re actually on hiatus from love, so why not use that situation to your advantage and get in some good screen time?

Purge Something

Everyone has at least a couple of drawers or a closet to clean out. Getting rid of some old stuff and relinquishing junk you’ve been stockpiling both fills your time and keeps you focused on something other than your loneliness. Taking action opens up pathways in the brain that inspire and motivate because we all want to feel productive. Sitting around feeds the loneliness monster because you’re just waiting instead of doing.

Start a Project

For me, writing is an ongoing project, and I’ve never been more productive than I’ve been over these last few weeks being alone. By now you’re probably getting the theme of focusing on something, and projects keep you directed while invoking a feeling of creativity. Creativity is inspiring and healing, so pick something to work on that opens that part of your mind and heart. Puzzles are great, start a Pinterest board, plant a garden, or build something if you’re handy.

Go Outside

A large part of loneliness is feeling like you’re disconnected or don’t belong. There’s something about the outdoors that makes it impossible to feel alone. I always think of plant life as my “relatives,” so even just sitting in the yard or going for a short walk can shift your mindset from loneliness to being a part of something greater. Going on a hike or visiting a body of water works wonders, but if that’s not possible, simply being in fresh air will do the trick.

Get Moving

This is a general recommendation, the point of which is don’t be still too long. That feeling of restlessness you get when you start to feel empty—or like something is missing—is normal, and moving will release the tension. Dancing is an amazing release (and no one’s even looking), or getting in your car for a little road trip can transform loneliness into freedom. Again, action is powerful when it comes to moving through loneliness. It allows us to take control and move on faster instead of dwelling on the situation.
Loneliness is painful, but it can be hugely informative as well. You’ll never know yourself better than when you’re forced to be with yourself on this level. Use the time wisely, because soon enough you’ll be wishing you had that solitude back.

Love is blind, and this can be dangerous. When you love someone, you don’t just overlook their shortcomings, you can actually miss major character flaws that end up coming back to haunt you. So many of us find ourselves in long-term relationships that don’t work, and then we stay beyond what is healthy. Although people stay for many reasons, it’s possible that you’re being fooled by a partner who has a very strong defense system designed to trick you into seeing only what they want you to see.

These aren’t lies, or even forms of betrayal. The character traits listed here lurk way beneath the persona that has been created to hide them; they are often unalterable defects that stem from a deep historical place. These buried personality skeletons can only be seen if you know what to look for, and they usually become exposed in darker moments when the person feels threatened or that they are at risk of being discovered.

Your best strategy is to open your eyes and heart in a way that allows you to see the truth of what’s happening. Easier said than done, but once you learn what these kinds of defenses can look like you’ll have a better understanding of what you’re dealing with.

The Inadequate Person

Deep down inadequacy is one of the most painful feelings someone could have, and this is particularly true for men. Inadequacy in women often takes the form of shame, but regardless of gender, it’s always defended against, because who wants to admit that they feel inferior?  The defense against adequacy can be pretty overt and can show up as contempt or criticism of you. More mysteriously, however, it can show up as confidence and competence. Overcompensation is a common way to bury the feelings of inadequacy. You might be most familiar with this as it relates to narcissism and someone who has a “big ego.” Inadequate people are never wrong, know everything, and need a lot of affirmation to feel whole.

The Self-Deprecating Person

By definition this is the act of reprimanding, belittling, undervaluing, or disparaging oneself, or being excessively modest. Self-deprecation is a kind of self-sabotage that comes from a feeling of unworthiness, and these people use manipulation to get their own needs met. A self-deprecating person will come across as being giving or generous because they are always putting the focus on you and your needs. Their mantra is usually “don’t worry about me” or “I’m fine.” They will defer to you for everything, including where to have dinner, what vacation to take or what movie to see. Don’t be fooled however; they are storing their “giving gestures” as ammunition for when you express an overt need of your own. You’ll hear, “I do so much for you” or “nothing I do is enough.”

The People-Pleasing Person

People pleasers have one goal, and that is to keep others happy so they don’t have to feel that they’re a disappointment. In the people pleaser’s mind, you should never be unhappy because they are ensuring that you always are. They will do anything for you and will drop their own needs to make time because their only goal is to please you. This will feel like kindness and generosity on the surface, but resentment is brewing, because with every act of kindness they expect something in return. When the time is right they’ll say, “you never notice what I do for you.” If you feel guilty or like your partner is too nice, you’re probably picking up on this defense.

The Envious Person

Envy—one of the ugliest (but natural) human emotions—can easily feel like love. The envious person is “obsessed” with you because they believe if they get close enough you’ll rub off on them. They don’t just want to be like you they want to be you. Envy can feel like admiration or adoration until you start to see the truth come through. The truth shows up when they feel inferior and say things like “you think you’re so great” or “you’re the expert on everything.” The envious person is never really happy for you, and they avoid building you up because ultimately they want you to fail.

If some of these traits sound familiar you’ll have to determine whether you want to be with someone who walks through the world in this way. We all have defenses, and it’s healthy to have a few. But when you find yourself dealing with defenses that are protecting character flaws, you have to accept that these don’t change. Keep your eyes open and trust what you feel, because the only truth you need is your own.

There is nothing worse than not feeling heard. You’ve probably encountered a bad listener at a party, at work, or even in your personal life. It’s the person who continues to talk without pausing for you to get a word in, and when you do finally get the chance they don’t ask any follow-up questions because they probably didn’t even hear what you said. 

In general, most people are not good listeners, but it isn’t always intentional. If you think about a world in which the majority of human beings have not been properly supported or validated, you would realize that we have a large population of individuals who long to feel heard and thus would prefer talking to listening.

Listening is a skill that can be strengthened or weakened depending on many variables. Personality, upbringing, levels of frustration, mindfulness, and empathy can all play a part in whether someone is a good or bad listener. When I work with couples in my practice I almost always have one partner who can’t listen and a partner who doesn’t feel heard. These couples come in to work on “communication,” but it’s less about what’s being said and more about what isn’t being heard. 

In this context, the reason for poor listening is usually due to escalated feelings or defensiveness because one partner feels attacked or judged by their partner’s expression of dissatisfaction or hurt. When any of us become activated or dysregulated by strong feelings we organically have a much harder time hearing what the other person is trying to say. This is why two people in an argument might just yell at each other without any ability to resolve the problem. Your brain’s prefrontal cortex takes in information from an external source in a way that allows for reflection. This is easy when you’re calm and focused, but when you or someone you’re trying to talk to gets upset, that part of the brain goes offline and a more primitive part of the brain takes over. This reptilian-like part of the brain just wants to defend and protect; it doesn’t want to hear and resolve.

The good news, however, is that human beings are wired for resolution and reconciliation. We are actually driven to make amends and resolve things peacefully. We want nothing more than to get along and feel loved and connected. This is why we work so hard and stay in difficult relationships for so long. We want them to work even if it means literally fighting for that to happen. Getting out of our own way and learning how to really listen is possible for anyone if the willingness and vulnerability required can be tolerated.

The technique I love the most for becoming a better listener is called active listening. It requires the person on the receiving end to do two things. First, they need to make themselves present and available through eye contact and body language by looking at and facing their partner. Second, they need to repeat back what they hear verbatim.

There are no interpretations, perspectives, or opinions allowed. This is a very difficult process not only because it’s not how we’re used to communicating, but also because it requires the listener to stay out of their own head and really hear what’s being said. Normally we are constantly building our response, story, explanation, or defense in our own minds while our partner is talking. This makes it impossible to remain present. This exercise forces the listener to set aside their own agenda long enough to really hear what they need to hear.

This technique is especially well-suited for difficult conversations (such as arguments with a spouse) and for expressing support. Research suggests that using this technique can help others feel more understood and improve relationship satisfaction. Active listening can be used with other people in your life, such as students, co-workers, or your children. It strengthens trust and can also serve as a means to get away from escalated and cyclical arguments by preventing miscommunication. When you express an active interest in what another person has to say and make him or her feel heard, you foster empathy and connection and reduce the risk of making others feel neglected, disrespected, and resentful.

This communication technique can feel awkward and hokey at first, but without the ability to listen or feel heard you run the risk of increased stress, poor relationship health, and even losing out on the opportunity for the increased happiness that comes with deeper connections. Active listening isn’t just about improving your communication style, it’s also a way to improve your overall well-being.