Author: Dr. Andra Brosh

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Wellbeing

Practicing Gratitude With a Broken Heart

If you’ve been hurt by someone you love then you might not be feeling so grateful as you move into the Thanksgiving holiday this week. It’s normal to close your heart as a protection mechanism against further pain, but a closed heart makes it much harder to see the things or people in your life that are good. Heartbreak works kind of like a general anesthetic in that it colors your perspective of everything including aspects of your life that are not connected to your current suffering. This is why the world seems darker and less beautiful than when you’re feeling deeply loved, supported and connected.
The good news is that you don’t have to feel grateful to practice gratitude. In fact, experts believe that it’s the repeated practice of gratitude–even when we don’t feel grateful–that will eventually lead to a more enduring attitude of gratitude.
Gratitude, stemming from the Latin word gratia, means grace, graciousness, or gratefulness. The practice of gratitude has been linked to happiness, better relationships, improved mental and physical health, and more resilience. Gratitude is no longer a simple act of thanks, and it isn’t just a theory or practice. Research has shown that grateful brains show enhanced activity in two primary regions: the anterior cingulate cortex and the medial prefrontal cortex. These areas have been previously associated with emotional processing, interpersonal bonding and rewarding social interactions, moral judgment, and the ability to understand the mental states of others. We now know that gratitude is much more than a quick fix, but a complex social emotion that involves morality, connecting with others, and taking their perspective.
If you’re facing your first holiday as a newly divorced person, without a parent, in a new town or in the midst of a challenging issue you’re not alone. The immediate culture and media would have you believe that everything is perfect because this is what most of the population wants to believe. In the aftermath of the Paris bombings, we know that the world is much bigger than the one we often experience in our daily lives, and you can keep this in mind as you manage the onslaught of forced “goodness” coming at you from your external environment. People may tell you to focus on what you have as a way to help you, but we can confirm that doing just that isn’t enough.
Even though you are struggling through this holiday season, being miserable doesn’t have to be a given. Heartbreak doesn’t need to create a barrier between you and the benefits of gratitude so drawing on the work of scientific researcher Robert Emmons, here are a few ways to generate a sense of gratitude when the desire isn’t there.

Go Through the Motions.

If you go through grateful motions, the emotion of gratitude should be triggered. Grateful motions include smiling, saying thank you, and writing letters of gratitude. This might be easier to put into practice with people you don’t know, or in casual settings like your local coffee shop or at your gym.

Pick One Thing.

Research shows that writing one sentence about five things you’re grateful for is less beneficial than writing five sentences about one thing you’re grateful for. Pick one thing you can feel grateful for and expand on that by listing why you’re grateful.

Consider a Non-Human.

Finding gratitude for a pet, a plant, or the greater natural environment eases the struggle of finding gratitude for a person. Our non-human counterparts are amazing healers of the heart so practicing gratitude with your furry friends or your natural companions will bring you powerful benefits.

Remember the Bad.

To be grateful in your current state, it is helpful to remember the hard times that you once experienced. When you remember how difficult life used to be and how far you have come, you set up an explicit contrast in your mind, and this contrast is fertile ground for gratefulness.

Come to Your Senses.

Through our senses–the ability to touch, see, smell, taste, and hear–we gain an appreciation of what it means to be human and of what an incredible miracle it is to be alive. Seen through the lens of gratitude, the human body is not only a miraculous construction but also a gift. Most of all remember that you’re not alone in how you feel. Millions of people will be “surviving” the holiday as opposed to enjoying it, and for many others the meaning of the holiday will need to be readjusted to accommodate the current state of affairs. Use this time as an opportunity for personal exploration, and create your own meaning in any way that feels right for you.

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Wellbeing

Should We Treat the Environmental Crisis as a Mental Health Crisis?

I recently had a session with a client who lives in a remote town with a very small population. She reached out to discuss her marriage and other issues she is struggling with, but by the end of the session we had uncovered something very different and much more poignant. She told me that she feels explosively angry a lot of the time, and described her experience in this small town as “living in a fish bowl”. She expressed feeling a disconnection from the greater world as both healing and frustrating, and every time she reads the paper to stay globally informed her heart breaks, and she cries over what she learns. She then described how she immediately shuts down her response because “it’s so ridiculous to be upset about something so far from her world”.

As an Ecotherapist, my ears immediately perked up, and I knew I was dealing with something well beyond marital problems and issues of stress. This client’s mental health was clearly being affected by the horrors that happen in the world every day, and her inability to legitimize her heartbreak was creating even more suffering.

There are many human beings who are profoundly saddened by the state of our world. Whether it’s the recent bombings in Paris, the devastation of our environment, the pollution in our waters, or the complete demise of whole animal populations, the pain is felt. For others, there is an unidentified dis-ease and a general sense of anxiety that is kept at bay to avoid overwhelm and despair. In truth, we are witnessing the unraveling of climate stability, as well as the ongoing threat to our safety both from the environment and our own species. Whether we know it consciously or unconsciously, we are ill-equipped to deal with the traumas of our time.

In February of 2014, the National Wildlife Federation released a report entitled “The Psychological Effects of Global Warming on the United States: And Why the U.S. Mental Health System is Not Adequately Prepared”. The report stated that 200 million Americans will suffer “serious psychological distress” as a direct result of climate change events. The American Psychological Association also released a report on the interface between Psychology and global climate change which states that “heat, extreme weather events, and increased competition for scarce environmental resources–compounded by preexisting inequalities and disproportionate impacts among groups and nations–will affect interpersonal and intergroup behavior and may result in increased stress and anxiety.”

We know from research that the natural environment can heal what ails us on many levels, but we have yet to comprehend how the demise of that same environment is making us ill. Research supports the claim that a lack of nature correlates with poor mental health, but it seems that the ever-impended environmental crisis affects us just as powerfully. Should we be treating this as a mental health crisis, or can we sustain our mental wellbeing in spite of what is happening all around us?

Pros and Cons

There are several benefits to assessing and treating symptoms that are related to the environmental crisis. Providing a space for discussion about these issues is not only healing for the individual, but it greatly benefits the earth as well. When people feel empowered in their feelings about the environment they are more likely to use those feelings as a motivating force of change. In this case, that can lead to activism and better sustainability in their own lives as they relate to the environment. Addressing issues that surface around the environmental crisis also reduces feelings of despair and hopelessness. Joanna Macy’s book “Active Hope” says that the pain of the world is normal, healthy and widespread. By normalizing and validating feelings around these issues, we give meaning to our emotional responses and generate a deeper sense of connection to the earth and other people sharing in the plight. There really is no downside to treating the environmental crisis as a health crisis. While we don’t want to manufacture symptoms or over-exaggerate a person’s struggle with these issues, it’s essential to always hold in mind that these feelings are possible and very real even if they don’t present as exactly what they are.

Fit or Flop

Treating the environmental crisis as a health crisis is definitely a fit. Although most people may not be associating their mental health issues with the state of the environment, we have to consider that it plays a role. Looking at feelings of grief, anxiety, stress and sadness with a broader lens that includes the ill health of the earth can only benefit both the public and the mental health industry as a whole. Honoring and respecting the difficult emotions a person feels around these issues validates the crisis at hand making it a real issue that cannot be minimized.

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Wellbeing

Should You Disclose An Affair?

30% to 60% of all married couples will engage in some form of infidelity. With this staggering statistic, we have to wonder how beneficial it is to disclose an affair to an unknowing spouse even if the consequences are great.

Lying among martial partners is not uncommon, but when it comes to disclosing an affair the risk and consequences grow exponentially making the decision to tell a difficult one. With a specialty in infidelity and divorce, I see many versions of secretive and deceitful behavior among couples. More often than not the need to disclose an indiscretion surfaces when the affair has been exposed or the person has been caught. Up until this time the cheating partner is conflicted and guilty, but not willing to risk full disclosure.

For some of these spouses the fear of disclosure surrounds possible retaliation that may include a loss of parenting rights or horrible financial fights. For other cheating partners, the withholding of information is a form of protection, and a desire to not inflict the pain that will come with sharing the news with their partner. I have even seen lying become a selfish act when disclosing the affair will mean that it has to end.

Circumstances around the affair also have to be considered. Some might argue that a short-term or one-time affair isn’t worth disclosing. There are also issues to consider when the infidelity is a byproduct of sex addiction or other acting out behaviors. In some cases, telling becomes a safety issue, while at other times disclosure of an affair may not be worth the pain it will cause.

Withholding information is not always the same as lying, but at the end of the day this is just splitting hairs. The real question is whether telling a partner about an affair is a good and healthy thing to do, or if not telling them makes more sense. More often than not disclosing an affair results in separation or divorce leaving most people in an eternal state of ambivalence. The only way to put an end to the uncertainty is to explore both sides of the disclosure equation. While there are no hard and fast rules about this, we can try and come to a consensus on what is most healthy for both parties and the marriage.

Pros and Cons

The biggest con of disclosing an affair is the risk that comes with the admission. Knowing exactly how a partner will respond is difficult, but it is easy to presume that anger and an unwillingness to forgive will be part of the experience. Disclosing an affair could easily mean the end of the marriage, and if this isn’t the desired outcome telling a partner may bring a grave result. Admission of an affair is painful for both parties, and it puts a permanent mark on what was previously a clean marital record.

The pros of disclosing an affair can ultimately reflect courage and even a sense of remorse on the part of the cheating spouse. The betrayed partner may be more likely to be understanding and forgiving if they don’t have to “discover” it on their own. A willingness to come forward with the information could help with trust and may elicit less of an inquiry from the hurt spouse. Disclosure is also better for everyone’s health because secrets and lying create great stress, and more often than not the unknowing partner feels the negative energy even if it’s not conscious.

Fit or Flop

Overall telling a partner about an affair is a fit. Honesty always trumps dishonesty for both parties, and if there is any chance for the marriage to be saved it has to be rebuilt on a foundation of honesty. While it may cause hurt and unpleasant feelings, robbing a person of their free will to have all of the information they deserve to make proper decisions about their life is unfair. It’s selfish to keep an affair from a partner because it really only protects the person who is doing the cheating. The issue is not really whether to tell, but how to tell a partner that they have been betrayed. Being willing to confront the difficult emotions that come with the news, and showing the strength of character to admit the misconduct shows great respect for the injured spouse.

Uncovering an affair is demoralizing and shocking, so when a cheating partner is willing to come clean the betrayed spouse can salvage their self-respect, and feel better by the accountability and responsibility for the indiscretion.

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Wellbeing

5 Healthy Practices for Technology Overload

Yes, you could describe our attachment to technology as an addiction, but the reality is that we need our computers and phones in the same way we need to read the newspaper or pay our taxes. Technology has become part of our lives whether we like it or not, and we have become dependent on it in ways we never imagined.

I read a post recently from a colleague asking about a program or camp for teens addicted to technology. Another person responded to that post with lengthy paragraphs describing how addiction to technology has become a chronic problem for kids, and she expressed a need to understand how to deal with the same issue. I couldn’t help but think how ironic it is that the very people buying the technology for these children are the ones wondering how to manage the overuse. We are all guilty of being on our phones and computers too much. The only difference between adults and youth is that older people have a better ability to multitask, which masks the effects of the overuse they’re engaging in.

Clearly we are all at a loss for how to manage the use of phones and computers, and it’s a struggle for which neither parents nor professionals have a real solution. However, I had to wonder whether the word “addiction” is applicable here, or if we are simply lacking the ability to balance technology with a dose of healthy practices to manage the problem.

A research study reported by NPR stated that on average, children spend more than four hours on a typical school day texting, watching television, and playing video games. Research also suggests that screen time can have lots of negative effects on kids, ranging from childhood obesity and irregular sleep patterns to social and/or behavioral issues. Adults are not invulnerable either, because they are now at risk for being diagnosed with Internet Use Disorder (IUD). Much more research needs to be done, but some studies have found that Internet use can affect the balance of brain chemistry. One such study found that people with IUD have demonstrable changes in their brains–both in the connections between cells and in the brain areas that control attention, executive control, and processing of emotions.

The greatest issue being raised about the overuse of technology relates to the very basic construct of emotional connection. One study that looked at sixth-graders who went five days without even glancing at a smartphone, television, or other digital screen found that these kids were substantially better at reading human emotions. Clearly we need to figure out a protocol for how to manage our use of technology. But this can’t require drastic and unrealistic changes in daily life, because we need our devices to function. At the end of the day, the most successful approach will focus on changing behavior and adding in healthy habits to counteract the negative impact that technology has on all of our lives.

Here are five easy practices that will immediately change the way you use your technology on a regular basis:

Go Tech Free

Eliminating technology at home is a worthy goal but not always realistic when there are deals to close and homework to be done. But it is possible to carve out a tech-free space in your house where all forms of technology are unwelcome. It could be the dinner table, the kitchen, or the bedroom. Not unlike taking off your shoes before entering the house, this tech-free space would be sacred and unfettered with any form of technology.

Turn It Off

It may sound simple, but powering off your phone or computer is a great way to balance use. Shutting something down signifies being finished in a concrete way. It’s a lot easier to grab a phone and check it when it’s on; the time it takes for a piece of technology to power up makes it less likely that you’ll mindlessly use it. Unplugging from technology is essential for plugging into something more valuable in the real world.

Leave It At Home

If you’re heading out to dinner, a movie, or even the market, try leaving your phone at home. Being without a phone can cause anxiety, but most of us have survived a cell-phone-free period at some point. You’ll feel a sense of liberation and freedom by taking this kind of break, and you’ll realize how present you are in the moment. This will also challenge your dependency on technology by forcing you to be more resourceful instead of turning to Google for the answer to all of your questions.

Have Technology Agreements

Nagging and sporadically telling your kids or partner to get off their phones is ineffective; agreements about the use of phones and computers can eliminate the need for nagging or reminding. In these agreements, each person is well aware of what is expected and takes personal responsibility for what they are committing to. Making the appropriate use of technology a family value will lay the foundation for long-term healthy habits.

Eliminate Types Of Use

Setting limits on what technology can be used for will naturally reduce the need. Eliminating any use of social media after a certain hour–or stopping work emails at a specific time–sets a boundary around the type of use, which in turn limits the amount of use. We all know social media can be a time suck, so limiting its use (and reconnecting with habits like letter-writing and picking up the phone to call a friend) can open up a whole new way of relating.

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Wellbeing

Should Past Relationships Be A Present Partner's Business?

There are no rules about sharing one’s sexual history or past relationships with a present partner, but the topic does come up. Whether or not to disclose is a personal choice, but it’s not always an easy one.
Emily and Dave came in to my office because they were in a blow out fight. They had been dating for almost a year, and one night over dinner they started to talk about past relationships. Emily, feeling no reason to hide anything from Dave, proceeded to share her sexual history and past relationships openly. Dave had an adverse reaction and was overcome with jealousy and insecurity about these past boyfriends. Emily felt this was ridiculous because they were all in the past, but Dave was having the kind of response you might experience if you were betrayed or cheated on.
Working through the feelings and helping this couple resolve this fight wasn’t the hard part. What became more challenging was the issue of disclosure when it comes to past partners. Does it make sense to share this information? Is it the right of a partner to know about the past sexual relationships of their lover? When (if ever) is it the right time to tell a partner about past relationships and sexual histories?
If you try and find research around this issue you’ll come up with many articles on HIV and the disclosure of sexual history as it relates to STDs. When it’s a health issue disclosure is necessary, but when it comes to past loves and romantic relationships things get a bit trickier. No one really wants to believe that there partner has ever been with someone else. While you may know in your mind that your partner is probably not a virgin, you may have this underlying need to believe that you’re the only one. This may seem silly and unrealistic, but human beings are wired to be jealous and possessive even if it doesn’t always make sense.
For the disclosing partner there’s a risk in sharing. Not knowing what the response will be, or how you’ll be perceived makes it a less appealing process. There can always be a discrepancy between what’s acceptable or not depending on each person’s ideas, values and beliefs around sexuality and love.
We are also a highly disclosing culture. We learn early on to not “keep secrets” and to be honest. Hiding your history and not fully sharing your past may invoke a sense of guilt because you’ve been conditioned and may have even promised to share everything with your partner. Withholding information is often frowned upon leaving you feeling like there is no other choice but to share even if you do it reluctantly.

Pros and Cons

Intimacy in relationships is very dependent on trust and honesty. We feel closer to a partner when we know more about them. This might make it worthwhile to share some of your past depending on how comfortable you feel. If you’re hiding past experiences remember that it’s much worse for a partner to discover something on their own than hearing if directly from you. Sometimes full transparency feels really good, and it allows for a clean slate between the couple.
The downside is obvious. Risking upsetting your partner or even worse being judged for your past can be damaging and hurtful. There is also some merit to maintaining a sense of mystery between you and your partner. Fantasy and secrets can be exciting and generate a sense of passion if no one is being hurt. Sometimes the past is the past, and can be considered the private property of the rightful owner. This can be considered a form of respect, and can be indicative of healthy boundaries.

Fit or Flop

Erring on the side of not disclosing would be a better fit. A partner’s past is only relevant if it puts the other person at risk or if there is some psycho-sexual experience that would be important, like molestation or abuse. Even then the disclosure should be made mindfully and in the right setting. The circumstances and situation for disclosing sexual history and past relationships is important. It’s not something to drop over dinner or drinks. This kind of conversation should be kept sacred and should only happen in a safe environment with full consent from both parties.

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Nosh

Can A Meatless Diet Really Change Your Health?

I have to confess right from the start that I do not eat meat of any kind. I’ve been vegan/vegetarian on and off for most of my life, and right now I consider myself to be a selective vegetarian. My diet is primarily vegan, but I add the occasional egg or cheese ingredient if I know and approve of exactly where it was sourced. My choice to eat a plant-based diet is primarily ethical, but I also love the health benefits.
Most of the people I meet are intrigued by what they consider to be a restricted diet of vegetables and grains, and then they express their unwavering conviction to eating cheese and hamburgers. Change is hard enough for most people, but giving up the things we derive pleasure from is even harder.
In case you’re unclear, vegans don’t eat, use or wear any animal products. Vegetarians basically don’t eat meat. Both vegans and vegetarians make this lifestyle choice based on ethics, health, and even religious reasons. Eating a primarily vegetarian diet has had an upswing in recent years with 9 million U.S. adults maintaining a vegetarian diet as of 2012 according to the Vegan Outreach website. They also reported an increase in veganism based on Google trends and increased search results for the term “veganism 2013”.
There is a significant amount of research supporting the health benefits of a plant based diet including cancer prevention and reduced cardiac related illnesses according to CancerresearchUK.org. Heart disease kills 600,000 people every year, and Cancer is the #2 cause of death among Americans with 30% of those cancers being diet related. More specifically research shows that eating too much red meat can increase the risk of specific types of cancer including bowl and pancreatic.
Then there are the issues related to the environment including increased greenhouse gas emissions, animal welfare, and the depletion of natural resources. The toll that slaughterhouses are taking on the planet cannot be ignored and have to be factored in to anyone’s decision to eat meat or shift to a plant-based diet.
We have a funny relationship to our food in America. Even though we have access to some of the best food, and we are the most educated about health, we struggle with weight more than any other country, and we also produce the largest amount of waste. Nutrition in your body is like gas in your car yet most of us are way more concerned with the quality of gas we use to fill up our car engines than we are with what food we put in our systems. Food is also a great source of pleasure, and it can even be addictive in the same way a drug would be.
So is a plant-based diet the way to go? Can we feel fulfilled and satisfied if we eliminate meat from our diets? Are we willing to compromise our own pleasure seeking behaviors for the earth?

Pros and Cons

Clearly the statistics show that eating a primarily vegetarian diet is an all around good choice. It’s better for your health, prevents disease, and helps reduce the impact modern day agriculture has on the environment. Becoming vegan or vegetarian also opens up a whole new world of possibility. New foods, recipes and even friends develop when you embark on this new relationship to food. Moving to a plant-based diet is also great for your mental health because it taps into a sense of compassion and empathy for other living beings, and it also generates a new sense of awareness around important issues related to sustainability and ecology.
The downside of becoming vegan or vegetarian would primarily be related to the change in lifestyle it might require. While there are more and more vegetarian options on most menus, finding something suitable and satisfying can be difficult particularly if you are used to eating rich (and often addictive) foods. It also requires more advance preparation since plant-based food is often made fresh and eaten immediately. Fast food and quick grab items frequently contain meat products so cooking and preparing your own food would become a bigger part of your lifestyle.
There are some theories that certain body types need meat for optimal functioning. The jury is out on this simply because there are too many factors to consider and the coin can continuously be flipped in favor of a vegetable centric versus meat centric diet. Whether you’re an athlete, suffer with anemia, or simply feel sluggish when you don’t have “protein”, it’s always best to consult a professional for the best dietary needs for you personally.

Fit or Flop

Putting any specific health requirements aside eating a plant-based diet is definitely a fit. Even if you shift to eating a vegetarian meal one to two times a week you would be vastly improving both your physical and mental wellbeing. Testing the waters of vegetarianism can be a slow process or it can be an occasional change you make as part of a cleanse or weight loss program. As with any change, gradual transformation is most sustainable so don’t over-commit and start slow. The Meatless Monday website is a great place to start a weekly commitment to a plant-based diet.

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Wellbeing

A Healthy Woman's Guide to Finding Mr. Right

If you’re a woman who has been dating for a while you might be feeling discouraged about the prospects out there. You may even be struggling with self-trust and your own ability to have good judgment. Maybe your wondering if you’re “too picky” or losing hope that there are any “good ones” still out there. It only takes a few false starts or bad dates to wonder whether you’re doing something wrong as you search for your Mr. Right.

From the time we’re little girls we’re taught to be pretty, pleasant and pleasing. We have also been culturally convinced that we be more accommodating of our own needs, and within the context of relationships we learn that we shouldn’t be too demanding or place our expectations too high. We’re so hyper-focused on approval and acceptance that we sometimes forget that we have the ability to make empowered and conscious choices about the men we let into our lives.

Searching for your right partner requires a blend of your gut instinct and your higher consciousness. This becomes easier the more you know yourself and what you need to thrive as a woman in the world, but there are actually some universal qualities in men that you can keep your eyes peeled for when you’re out there dating. Learning to read between the lines while keeping your wits about you when meeting men will reduce your chances of heartbreak and making a bad choice of partner.

To make things a bit easier I have broken down some of the things you want to watch out for by categorizing them into Red Flags and White Flags. When you experience a Red Flag you’ll want to abort the mission because they suggest qualities that may be very problematic down the road regardless of compatibility. A White Flag is more negotiable and includes issues that are either negotiable or changeable depending on the person. With these you’ll want take note, but you don’t necessarily need to run for the hills.

Here are some examples:

He says he had a “perfect” childhood. – Red

No one has a perfect childhood so this implies a sense of denial and an inability to see his life through a bigger perspective. He probably needs things to be perfect, and has a low tolerance for challenging or difficult feelings. People who refer to their past in this way almost always have a need to protect themselves from the bad which means he will not welcome your negative feelings. This is a big issue and he would need a lot of help to address this conditioning.

He doesn’t talk about his past relationship or marriage – White

You might be someone who needs full disclosure, but it’s actually healthy to not inundate a new relationship with old baggage. This is probably more a sign of resolution with his past than avoidance. If there are skeletons in the closet you’ll uncover those soon enough, but not vomiting his past and sharing all of the details are signs of good boundaries and the ability to find closure.

He’s really “good friends” with his Ex(s) – Red

Many men brag about this like it’s some badge of honor. This is a big red flag because it only means that his Ex(s) will be around and in his life. While he may think this shows that he ends things well, it actually implies that he hasn’t ended it at all. Ex’s only have a place in one’s life if there is co-parenting involved or some other shared logistic that requires contact. Being amicable and remaining friends are not the same thing.

He waits a couple days to follow up after the date – White

While this may be upsetting or generate a feeling of anxiety most men are encouraged to wait a bit before making contact after a first date. Immediate contact is also a white flag because many men don’t play games when they meet someone they like. If the pattern of delayed response continues beyond the first few encounters you are probably bordering on a red flag situation, but playing a little hard to get isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

His last girlfriend was “crazy” – Red

Any man that refers to a woman as “crazy” has a high probability of being sexist, and won’t understand the feminine. This is a guy who will find you irrational, tell you to calm down when you’re upset and will not be empathic with your moods. Don’t think that you won’t be considered to be “crazy” too at some point so remain aware of any derogatory language that implies a lack of respect for the female gender.

He’s never been married – White

If you’re dating older men you might find that the one’s who have never been married are not dateable. While this could be something to take note of, sometimes men (like women) spend a large part of their time focusing on career, travel and other personal opportunities more than marriage. Later marriages are becoming more and more common so this doesn’t always mean he’s commitment phobic.

Remember that no matter how long you’ve been searching for the right partner you should never settle or compromise your values or needs. Be mindful of rationalizing negative qualities to make something work because your honesty with yourself in the beginning will protect you from heartbreak in the end.

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Wellbeing

Is Online Dating a Viable Option for Love?

It’s hard to believe that the first online dating site Match.com launched 20 years ago. Meeting a partner online has become as much a part of our culture as hamburgers and fries, and it’s often responded to with the same feelings of love and hate. Still, it’s a big part of our culture and it offers a unique opportunity for meeting that someone special.

Everyone wants to find love and in todays super busy (albeit disconnected) world making online dating a viable option for many relationship seekers. Nearly nine-in-ten Americans are online, and dating on the Web has grown in both popularity and acceptance according to the Pew Research Center. The use of online dating is both an act of convenience and desperation. It has become harder and harder to meet a significant other in the modern day culture due to busy schedules and the natural reduction in socialization since the onset of the internet. As a society we are either working or behind our computers making it less likely that a random personal connection will be made.

The stigma has lifted from online dating, and it has become a bit of a pop-culture phenomenon with sites like Tinder and Ashley Madison coming on board. However, there are still many people who feel that dating online is only something people do when they have no other viable options. As a matter of fact, the Pew Research Center also reported that 21% of Americans agree with the statement that “people who use online dating sites are desperate”.

I had a friend once tell me that if you’re not online dating you’re not dating. While this sounds like a reasonable assumption the vast majority of relationships still begin offline, and it’s been found that only 5% of Americans who are in a marriage or committed relationship say they met their significant other online. Even the people who are dating don’t seem to be as lucky (or maybe it’s lazy) as you would think because one-third of online daters have not yet met up in real life with someone they initially found on an online dating site. Even though the stigma of online dating has subsided it would appear that many people are still finding a partner through more traditional means.

Pros and Cons

Online dating expands the market for daters, and it’s also less intimidating for people who might be shy or who are socially anxious. The risk of rejection is equally as high with online dating as it would be approaching someone in person yet the sting is less when shielded by a computer. This makes online dating a viable option for the daters who feel insecure or less confident in their chances of making a connection. It’s also a good option for people who don’t get the opportunity to socialize due to work schedules, being new to a city or being recently divorced with few single friends.

The downside of online dating comes into play around follow through and etiquette. There are no hard and fast rules for manners online so people tend to behave badly by failing to respond to emails or making lewd comments they would never make in person. Online daters end up experiencing multiple incidents of rejection simply because a lack of response is equally as hard as hearing no. Another downside to online dating is that it can be time consuming turning it into a “job”. It could take hours to search and sift through all of the sites members to find just one or two viable options. Time is definitely a big factor for many people who use online dating as a means of meeting a partner.

Fit or Flop

Online dating is a fit mainly because it increases the chances and creates a greater opportunity to meet that someone special. Love is a numbers game so the greater the pool of people, the bigger the chances of success. It’s particularly a good fit for the people that would be considered to be in a “thin dating market”. Many individuals have a limited number of available partners within their immediate social circles including people who are older, divorced or have other unique qualities that might be marginalizing.

Online dating, while being a good viable option should not discourage or diminish a person’s efforts to meet someone in real time. Daters need to be mindful of not relegating their dating option to the internet while neglecting to utilize their social time for the same purposes. Every situation offers the chance for connection if the intention and openness is there.

Resource:

http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2015/04/20/5-facts-about-online-dating/

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Wellbeing

5 Ways To Live An Authentic Life

Life can seem complicated sometimes. Finding the right relationship, feeling happy, performing at work, managing to raise healthy children, caring for aging parents, and making a marriage work are just a few of the things you might be juggling individually or all at once. Sometimes you might be so busy that you forget to breathe and step back from the chaos long enough to remember where you are. Losing touch with time and place is not a natural part of life. It’s a chronic issue that has permeated our culture because we’re spending too much time on the things that deplete us and not enough on the things that sustain us.

As your list of things to do grows into a scroll-length document, you know deep in your heart that there are more important things for you to tend to that aren’t even on your list. You find yourself saying “time is flying by.” You speak about your days as being “busy” or “stressful.” You dangle from the monkey bars struggling to get to the next rung, but it’s getting harder and harder to hang on.

Shuffling through days, wondering where the time is going, and merely surviving instead of living are not healthy ways to exist. Consider this a wake-up call reminding you that your life is passing you by and that it’s time to become a participant instead of a bystander.

When life gets chaotic and busy, you stop paying attention to your own needs and slowly begin to forget what nourishes your soul. Getting connected to your core values and what’s most meaningful in your life requires a bit of excavation, but as you dig the shovel into the soil of your truth, you’ll realize what’s been buried and create the opportunity to unearth what’s gone dormant.

Many people blindly seek happiness or love in the hope of feeling better about the state of their lives, but what really brings transformation and change is the understanding of how to live your most authentic life. Authentic living brings your values and behaviors into alignment. More simply put, it’s when you’re doing what’s most important to you as often as possible.

Each journey toward authentic living is unique, but I’ve narrowed it down to five pieces of the life pie that have been shown to most profoundly deepen meaning and connection to the self.

One: Connection

Although we usually think of connection in terms of friends and family, it comes in many forms. You make connections daily every time you go out into the world. You connect with your animals, with nature, with strangers, and with yourself. A brief phone call, a moment of greeting, a nod of acknowledgment, and eye contact are all forms of connection that shape the way you feel and exist in the world. When you go hours or even days without an authentic form of connection, you’re depriving your soul of a much-needed nutrient. Make connecting a priority in your life by making time for friends and family, reaching out in the community, or simply taking a walk in nature.

Two: Self-Care

It is an essential part of your well-being and life to spend time doing the things you love or that feed your mind, body, and soul. As a culture, we notoriously push our own needs to the bottom of the list, claiming that we can’t be selfish or that we don’t have the time. No one will advocate for your self-care except you. You need to take what’s rightfully yours, which is time for yourself. Even if you love being with your kids, and even if pleasing others brings you pleasure, this isn’t the same as giving to yourself what you need to feel whole.

Three: Renewal

In the simplest terms, renewal is a break. For most of us, the only time we get renewal is when we’re sleeping, and even that is limited in the busiest of times. It’s sad to think that in order to rest, we need to be unconscious; it doesn’t have to be that way. Making an active effort for renewal is a fundamental part of living authentically. You see renewal all the time in the natural world, such as when farms are cleared for a new harvest or when a forest fire burns acres of trees. Under the surface is new growth that can only rise up in the space that is cleared. Whether it’s a few moments of quiet time or a scheduled vacation, make time for renewal and replenishment in your life.

Four: Community

The notion of community is connected to many positive states of being, including happiness and a sense of meaning in one’s life. The feeling of belonging literally shapes the brain and promotes positive feelings. We perceive this just by spending time with family and friends, participating in clubs, and being part of a group. Community is the cornerstone of a healthy life because it offers a provision of support and an opportunity to experience the self in relation to something greater. Community needs to be high on your list of personal values because you wouldn’t be able to survive without it.

Five: Spirituality

The grind of life takes us further and further away from the mystical. Whether it’s your religion or a spiritual sensibility related to something else in your life, connecting with the mysterious and unknown is invigorating and centering. Tied to faith, spirituality offers a grounded place within the self when things feel overwhelming or like they’re just too much. Think of it as your refuge or safe place to retreat to when things become hard.

Modern-day culture has all us of living overly individualized lives, which gives a false sense of personal sustainability. We live our lives like we’re on an island while denying the truth that we need much more.

It is only when we become clear about what we need, what we believe in deeply, what we stand for, and how we want to exist in the world that we can create a life that is not only honest but fulfilling.

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Wellbeing

Will More Sex In Your Marriage Lead to a Healthier You?

One of the most difficult conversations you can have with your long-term marital partner is about sex. It’s hard enough to talk about the quality of sex, but even harder to discuss quantity. As a result many couples suffer silently in sexless marriages, and wonder if the amount of sex they’re having is “normal” or something to worry about.

If you’ve been living in the camp of worry you can feel a bit relieved by a recent research study from The Austin Institute for the Study of Family and Culture which showed that married Americans reported having sex an average of 1.2 times per week, or just about five times a month. Even if this sounds like more than you’re currently having in your own marriage, it’s very clear that most couples are not ravaging each other on a regular basis even though they may want you to think that. In fact an earlier study revealed that about 15 percent of married couples have not had sex with their spouse in the last six months to one year.

We of course can contribute the lack of sex to many factors including, age, length of marriage, whether there are children involved, and even cultural factors. It’s also fairly common knowledge that the amount of sexual engagement in a marriage ebbs and flows throughout the life of the relationship with the average going way down during childbearing years and way up in the beginning when lust is the driving force.

As human beings we are driven to procreate, and thus have sex. Even if that sex doesn’t produce a child, we are evolutionarily wired to seek a mate and work toward that end goal. Once a baby is conceived the purpose for sex (at least in the primitive brain) shifts and is dependent on desire not procreation. For childless couples the drive will be the same even though a baby is never produced. However, research has shown that couples who don’t have children tend to be happier overall with their marriages, which could be due to a continued drive for sexual intimacy or the lack of stress that children at to a marriage.

It’s clear from the research and from what we know about normal human behavior that a reduced amount of sex is pretty standard, but is a marriage without sex healthy?

It may seem obvious that more sex would always be better for a marriage, but that’s not necessarily true. There are many forms of intimacy and sex is just one. It’s also true that sexual intimacy can serve as a replacement for emotional intimacy, which is equally if not more important.

Pros and Cons

Consistent sex in a marriage ensures a sense of connection and closeness, and a feeling of satisfaction. Being sexually fulfilled is a natural human necessity and when there is a lack in this form of intimacy it opens up space for other outlets leading to infidelity or other sexual encounters. Research has shown that both men and women report greater sexual satisfaction and higher levels of overall relationship happiness when they have more sex.

However sex in marriage is often more about quality than quantity. A lot of disconnected and unsatisfying sex is probably less healthy than infrequent but fulfilling sex. If a partner is satisfied sexually it doesn’t mean they are feeling satisfied overall with the marriage. However satisfaction is a key element because satisfied couples have sex more often and frequent sex leads to increases in sexual satisfaction. It’s also possible that a highly sexual marriage could be too much of a good thing. If the marriage is solely based on this type of connection, and it disappears or can’t be sustained, then the couple may have trouble finding other ways to connect. Many couples base their relationships on sexual chemistry only to find that this was the only common denominator.

Less sex in a marriage can ultimately lead to divorce, but a research shows that even when couples are unhappy, and are having less sex as a result, they are likely to stay together because of social expectations, or because they had children they were raising.

Fit or Flop

Consistent and satisfying sex in a marriage is definitely a fit. Having a sufficient amount of sex is a basic human need, and research confirms that sex in marriage is essential for a person’s health and wellbeing. It’s also an important factor in each partner’s level of overall happiness. Regular sexual activity in marriage is correlated to personal satisfaction, and both men and women report higher levels of overall relationship happiness when they have more sex.

Couples who have more sex live longer, have improved immune systems and lower their risk for many diseases, including cancer. The act of sex itself has also been shown to improve sleep and mood.

The amount of sex is completely negotiable however. As long as both couples agree that the amount of sex is satisfactory then there shouldn’t be a problem. When one partner becomes dissatisfied or frustrated with the lack of sex than the issue should be addressed for the marriage to remain on track.

Resources

http://relationshipsinamerica.com/relationships-and-sex/how-common-are-sexually-inactive-marriages

http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jan/13/childless-couples-happier

http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2011/5/26/what-are-the-health-benefits-of-sex-theres-an-app-for-that-s.html

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/03/when-sex-leaves-the-marriage/?