Author: Dr. Andra Brosh

If you have ever experienced any kind of loss then you have also grieved. Anyone who has spent some time feeling the depth of pain that comes with death, heartbreak, or severe disappointment knows that the process of grieving is not to be taken lightly.
As with many issues for which we seek guidance and advice, there are a million opinions, strategies, and paradigms for healing what ails us. Greif has not escaped this, and everyone and their sister seems to have an opinion on what a griever needs to do to “recover.”
While grieving is a natural human experience, it’s also a learned practice. You develop your conditioning and beliefs around grief through the modeling you experience growing up. If you witnessed your parents crying behind closed doors, you would have learned that grieving should be hidden. If you saw a grieving family member take to bed for days on end after a loss, you would have learned that grief is disabling. You would also learn that grief is something to just “get over” if you witnessed someone close to you avoiding grief entirely.
I first started to really learn about the developmental process of grief in graduate school where I was introduced to Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ stages of grief, which include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Since then I’ve personally experienced grief in many forms. I grieved the loss of my marriage, my health when I had cancer, and most recently I grieved the loss of my mother.
Each one of my losses invoked a different experience, and I quickly came to realize that everything I had learned about grief wasn’t really all that accurate. The truth is that grief is both universal and unique because each person has his or her own story and experience around loss. My own grief, combined with treating the depths of loss in my practice, drove me to receive a certificate in grief counseling. I wanted to deepen my understanding of grief, and even more specifically, how my clients should be expected to grieve the losses with which they were presented.
In my pursuit of a more flexible grieving model, I came across one important tidbit of information that changed everything for me.
Time doesn’t heal.
One of the most common comments grievers receive from the outside world is that the pain will pass with time. The real truth is that those who wait for the pain to fade end up stuck in their heartache without the proper tools to really move forward. I have also learned that when you lose someone close to you, the idea of their memory fading away is terrifying because you don’t want to forget someone you cherished. It’s true that memories become harder to recall with time, but time alone doesn’t heal.
The Grief Recovery Institute® defines grief as the conflicting emotions caused by an end or a change in a familiar pattern of behavior. We often forget that grief is actually an emotion because we’re encouraged to control it, stop it, get over it or move through it. Like all other emotions, grief needs to be processed and worked through for long-term healing to take place.
I would like to share some of the tips I learned while studying the Grief Recovery Method®, which guides people to the goal of discovering and completing what was left emotionally unfinished for them after a loss.
Here a few examples of steps you can take to move through the grief process with the intention of fully recovering:
1. Write a letter to the person you lost expressing any unsaid thoughts or feelings. Finding resolution and finishing the relationship are important pieces of the grieving puzzle.
2. Create a timeline of memories or a relationship graph that highlights all of the “sweet” and “sour” experiences you shared. Grievers naturally focus on the good, but it’s important to grieve the whole person, and that means good and bad.
3. Write a eulogy. Even if you’re not going to read or share it (or even if your grieving someone who is alive like with divorce), write a short remembrance of the person to become clear about what you want to hold on to as part of your memory.
4. Create a closing ritual to complete the loss. Some people release a balloon or send their letter out to sea. You can also write a poem and read it under the moon or create a treasure box to contain belongings you’ll be saving for memories.
The experience of grief is as unpredictable as it is universal, so let yourself explore the many rituals grievers can practice, and create a meaningful closure that’s just right for you.

I recently looked into booking a trip for myself that I intended to take by myself. I like traveling alone, and I’m not afraid to go on an adventure solo. However, when I inquired about pricing I was being asked to pay an additional fee for a single room. I get the extra cost of having one to a room versus two, but I was forced to confront something that I had always known. In our culture we reward and encourage pairs, but when we journey alone we pay a premium for it.
I’ve done a lot of reading on solitude, loneliness, being single and being separate. I have also explored my own fears of being alone that strongly surfaced after the ending of my twenty-year marriage. Terrified of feeling alone combined with the humiliation of being alone left me in a pretty dark place.
Generally people avoid being alone due to fear and the risk of judgment. Many of us would rather be in bad company, tired and depleted than to look like an alienated loser. It’s no surprise that we avoid being alone and associate it with loss, rejection, loneliness, and a whole host of negative experiences when we live in a culture that promotes and rewards couples and family more than it does solitude.
Confusing loneliness and being alone is a big part of the confusion when it comes to this topic. Loneliness is an organic experience that we all feel at times in our lives. It usually surfaces after a loss or when our support systems are lacking, but we should expect to experience it on and off throughout the lifespan. It’s possible to feel lonely when alone, but it’s also possible to feel lonely in a group or even a marriage. We can also have moments of feeling alone in the world when it feels like no one understands what we’re going through.
Being alone can be as much a choice as it can be circumstantial. We can end up alone, but we can also choose to spend time in solitude for our own wellbeing. Solitude often just happens in our lives as well. Reading a book on the couch, taking an extra few minutes in the shower and even sitting in traffic create moments of solitude.

Pros and Cons

Spending time alone provides opportunity for deep personal reflection, and it also affords you the chance to rejuvenate and re-energize. Being around other people can be draining even for the most gregarious extrovert, and we all need time to replenish.
Spending time alone is not only an ancient practice among Buddhist monks, it has also become a prescription for many symptoms and mental health issues. Stressed out executives are finding great value in doing silent retreats and over-worked caregivers get the rest they need by spending time in solitude.
Just like a computer we need to shut down our brains for even short periods of time to get back to a place of clarity.
Spending time alone can sometimes be a negative practice particularly for people who are depressed and feel the tendency to isolate. Human beings are wired for relationships so we all need to have some form of connection in our lives. If being alone becomes more of a defense and an avoidant behavior than a way to improve wellbeing then it’s probably not the best practice. The driving force behind the time alone is good indicator as to whether it’s a healthy choice or a maladaptive behavior.

Fit or Flop

Overall spending time alone or in solitude is a good idea. Being alone feeds the soul and heals the heart, and it provides the opportunity to become quiet enough to listen to your own thoughts and feelings. It’s an essential part of our wellbeing to take time out and away from the daily barrage of input that overwhelms our minds to maintain the greatest sense of wellbeing.
As an individualistic culture we need to be mindful of our intention behind the seeking of solitude. We have a tendency to use time alone as an escape from social obligation unlike in the Buddhist culture where solitude is seen as an important and welcomed way to become evolved or enlightened. Being aware of intention is an important part of the process, and will ultimately have impact on the level of benefit that comes with the time spent alone.

The way you see the world is called your perception, and your perception is driven by your internal experience of yourself, others and the world. What you take in from your environment gets digested and then regurgitated as your external experience. This is true both as a child and as an adult and it’s a constant ongoing process throughout life that is dependent on what’s happening in any given moment or day. However, the most imbedded experiences that stem from your earliest life are the most influential, and this is particularly true when it comes to love.
The most important experience you could have as a child is to internalize a feeling of being loved. If you hold an internal feeling of being loved and valued then you will see the world as a safe and welcoming place. In contrast, if you were unloved you will experience the world as unsafe and untrustworthy.
Walking through the world with a deep feeling of being unloved is painful and limiting. It becomes hard to develop intimate relationships, to see the good in others, and to maintain a sense of confidence in having your needs met. Most detrimental to the unloved child is the difficulty receiving real authentic love from another.
Feeling unloved is imbedded in the heart, soul and psyche. It feels like a sense of disconnection coupled with an experience of not belonging. As an unloved child you develop an internalized model of being unlovable and unwanted, and as an adult this manifests in an avoidance of intimacy and a pattern of unfulfilling relationships.
In an attempt to work through the painful experience of feeling unloved your inner neglected child will seek a repair of the early wounding by looking for love from partners that are most like the original source of trauma. Thirsty for any form of love, she will tolerate almost anything in a relationship with the undying hope that her unmet needs will be fulfilled.
The internal experience of feeling unloved is one of the biggest obstacles to finding the right partner because the level and type of love needed to heal those wounds is unique and can only happen with someone who is willing to honor and respect the need for this special kind of love.
The greatest opportunity for healing the inner unloved child comes in the form of a healing relationship. This can either be with a therapist or lover, but either will need to have a strong foundation of trust and a deep understanding of the type of love needed for reparation.
The first step in the process of healing these wounds comes in the form of self-awareness. Understanding the feelings and behaviors that may be shaping your experience of others and the world will open the door for the self-acceptance and recognition that something is missing.
Here are some observations you will want to make.
If you:

• Feel unsatisfied in relationships
• Feel insecure and question your partner’s love of you
• Hear your partner say they can never do enough to please you
• Feel left out or excluded easily and often
• Prefer to be alone or feel safer in solitude
• Find it hard to be vulnerable or share your feelings
• Have a hard time showing or expressing your love
• Feel like something is missing all of the time

The very idea of love, and what if means to feel loved, will escape the unloved child. Never having experienced or learned what it feels like internally to be loved, she will struggle with the deep knowing and recognition of healthy love.
Another positive step toward healing is to contemplate the idea of love, and what it means to you. Answer the following questions as a starting point.
What is your earliest memory of feeling loved? How did your caregivers show love even if it came in a negative form? How do you show love to others? What does love feel like in your present life? What is the highest level of love you want to receive?
It’s okay if you can’t answer all of these questions. Keep them close by and contemplate them regularly until something surfaces.
It’s important to remember that growing into an adult from an unloved place does not mean that you’re damaged or broken. We all come into adulthood with deficits and areas of development that need fulfillment. A lack of love is the most common form of neglect mainly because many parents and caregivers never received it and thus can’t show it in a healthy way.
Take it upon yourself to change so your transmission of love to others and your own family breaks the cycle. Setting an intention to heal the unloved part of yourself and doing the work it takes to fill that empty place will shift you, your life and your immediate world for the better. Most importantly you will be given the opportunity to get the love you deserve.

Have you ever had one of those days where you just wake up completely miserable? I’m not talking about getting up on the wrong side of the bed (whatever that means), or simply being in a bad mood. This is a deeply rooted feeling that is not only unshakeable, but also extremely painful.

Trying to shift your mood feels impossible. It’s like your strapped into a roller coaster being pulled along for the ride without any option of getting off. All around you the world continues to function yet you don’t want to get out of bed.

If you’re saying “WHAT? I’ve never felt like this” than call yourself lucky and stop reading.

If you know what I’m talking about then these are the moments, days, and even months of life where nothing you read, do or think can shift how you feel. It’s like a bout of nausea that you have to just let take its course while suffering through the discomfort until it passes.

I had one of these days recently. I hated everyone and everything, wanted to run away to somewhere remote or to hole up in my house without any contact. Dealing with people and facing life felt impossible, but somehow I survived and made it through. I wish I could tell you that I had some magic secret about how I endured this excruciating period of time, but the truth is that there are just some feelings and intrapersonal experiences that you have to just live through.

The culture at large would like you to believe that you can always fix your feelings. Just change your perspective, exercise, meditate, pray, dance, journal…the list goes on and on when it comes to prescriptions that will surely heal what ails you. If you ask any person who has felt this low what helps the least they’ll tell you that it’s the insensitive yet well meaning comments from the people around them.

“Just get some fresh air or exercise.”

“Watch a funny movie and forget about it.”

“Stay busy with work so you feel productive.”

“Volunteer to give yourself perspective.”

It’s my experience that the only option when the world goes this dark is to accept that it’s happening. This doesn’t mean not reaching out of for help or making attempts at easing the pain, but fully embracing the magnitude of your misery is the most efficient way to reduce suffering.

Buddhist teachings tell us that pain is an inevitable part of life and being human, and that most suffering is self-inflicted by the person trying to grapple with that pain. We make things worse for ourselves by trying to resist what’s happening and by pushing the feelings down with unhealthy coping mechanisms like work, alcohol or food.

The path of acceptance is not for the faint of heart when it comes to emotional pain. Resilience and tolerance definitely play a part, but even the most challenging situations pass with time and patience. As assuredly as the weather, something always shifts for your emotional pain to change course.

One of the hardest things to do when you feel out of control with your feelings is to trust them to be your best guide. Your emotions are what push you to seek help, reach out to others, and to recognize that something is off in your life.

Here are a few examples of what your darkest moments are telling you:

Go Retreat

When you’re feeling down it’s pretty likely that you’ll want to be alone. Isolating is a natural response when you aren’t in the best place for socializing or connecting with other people. The drive to retreat is protective because you’re vulnerable and fragile when your emotions are driving the ship. Listening to what you’re wanting leads you to what you’re needing so don’t try to convince yourself that it’s better to go out. This isn’t always the best solution.

Cry Your Eyes Out

Tears (not unlike sweat) are a natural release of toxins from the body. We are the only species to shed emotional tears that are directly connected to certain regions of the brain associated with our emotional life. As a culture we learn to “wipe away” our tears as if they are something to stop, but in truth crying is a beautiful way to process emotions and to reduce the stress that comes with built up feelings.

Reach For Help

We’ve all had that moment where we reach for the phone to call our go to person when things fall apart. It’s a natural instinct to cry out for help when things get rough, but instead we tell ourselves that we should be strong enough to handle our own stuff. This is just a form of denial and a tough love behavior you learned early on. Leaning on others in a time of need is natural and essential for anyone tangled up in blue.

The practice of sitting with pain long enough to see if it will pass, and reaching for help when you know it can’t be done alone are the keys to getting through some of the darkest days of your life. Learn to trust and honor your feelings in the same way you would trust someone else to tell you what to do.

No one knows your internal world better than you, and if a visit from your feelings feels like a stranger breaking into your house learn to make peace with them because they mean no harm.

Social Media, the place where we spend most of our time, has become what some might call a necessary evil. Most of us have a love hate relationship with Facebook. I know that I fluctuate regularly between canceling my account and feeling like I can’t stop checking it. In fact the only way I can truly get a break from the social media site is to shut down my gadgets and abstain for an extended period of time. The reality is that we are weak to resisting something that feels all at once so good and so bad.

The real question is how detrimental, if at all, is Facebook for our mental health?

Apparently this is a popular query because with over 900 million users worldwide, Facebook has become a very popular research topic. Studies have confirmed that using Facebook can be harmful to your self-esteem, your love relationships, and that it can cause psychological distress. While there isn’t much research out there countering these findings, there are plenty of blogs listing the possible benefits of using Facebook as a form of connection particularly for lonely or isolated individuals.

I think we’ve all accepted that fighting the behemoth known as Facebook is futile. It’s made its mark on our psyches and in our lives so we better learn how and when to include or exclude it. It’s up to us to be our own moderators of how much we use or don’t use it as part of our lives.

What we need to realize is that what we have with Facebook is a relationship, and like all relationships we get triggered by the things we see and hear. Going into each Facebook encounter with this in mind will help reduce the reactive response of wanting to reject or over consume it at any given time.

We need to take full responsibility for how the website affects us and our lives and the best way to do this is through education and self-reflection around our own Facebook usage and habits.

Pros and cons

In a world where being liked has become more of a question of livelihood than popularity, the social world of Facebook can either make you or break you.

Facebook can definitely have its pros and cons. If used at the wrong time or for the wrong purposes it can be extremely damaging and problematic. In the past Facebook has seen it’s share of cyber-bullying, and it has also contributed to bouts of jealousy when a new relationship gets splattered on the page of a recently heartbroken ex lover.

It has been highly problematic for younger adolescents who don’t have the social or emotional development to practice healthy Facebook habits, and who lack the self-confidence to withstand the onslaught of simple lives made to look fancy. For these kids an unliked post is the equivalent of getting a wedgie in the locker room.

Then there are examples of positive psychological effects when Facebook is used to revive and preserve relationships with old and new friends. It can also be a way to connect with other like-minded people who share the same passions and values. This kind of connection can empower and engage groups of people to promote social change and justice.

Old flames have been rekindled, and family members and friends have been reunited using the technology of Facebook. People who may have never connected are suddenly engaged in a way that would not have been possible without the social aspect of the site.

Fit or Flop

Facebook is a fit, and this is particularly true because there are no signs that it’s going away any time soon. As long as we are mindful and wise about how and when we use it, Facebook offers many great opportunities for connection and social advancement for our species. Social media has brought our world closer in many ways and this is something our disenfranchised communities need.

People with low self-esteem or who are vulnerable due to circumstance or age should use it sparingly and mindfully. Facebook is least detrimental when the user has a strong sense of self and ego because of the strong tendency it invokes toward comparison and self-judgment.

In a world where we are becoming more and more disconnected and working longer hours alone in an office, a website like Facebook offers a reprieve from loneliness and isolation. While it’s not a replacement for real human contact it can definitely provide a temporary experience of feeling a sense of belonging.

As human beings we spend 90% of our time indoors. As a result we have become completely disconnected from what would be considered our “natural habitat” leaving us sick, tired, depressed and stressed out.

While diet, exercise and spending time with friends have all been shown to improve wellbeing the one place we forget to turn to for healing is outside. More and more research is supporting the healing effects that the outer landscape can have on our inner landscape, and the importance of returning to nature as a place of reprieve and recovery.

Ask yourself these questions:

When was the last time you felt deeply connected to nature?

When did you most recently feel connected to something sacred? Do you make a conscious effort to get outside every day?

Most of us would be surprised to find how little time we spend even thinking about the importance of nature in our lives let alone the minimal amount of time we spend in it.

Research in the fields of Nature Therapy, Eco-Therapy and Green Therapy reveals that the environment can impact your body and overall wellbeing through the effects that it has on your nervous, endocrine and immunes systems. By studying the human-nature relationship, experts in these fields are concluding more and more that nature is an untapped resource that improves mood and many other states of being that reduce happiness.

If you are living or working in an unpleasant environment you will feel anxious, sad or helpless which in turn elevates your blood pressure, heart rate and muscle tension while suppressing your immune system. A pleasing environment reverses that effect, and actually improves your health overall.

If you think about how differently you feel when walking through a park as compared to how you feel on a busy street you’ll realize that the environment profoundly impacts how you feel.

Pros and Cons

As human beings we are social creatures and we’re evolutionarily designed to live as part of nature. We have an inherent ecological wisdom that is wired into our cells so it’s absolutely in our best interest to spend as much time outdoors communing with the natural world as possible.

It’s unnatural to live so separate from something we are so inherently close to. It’s no wonder that as a culture we so often feel disconnected and alone much of the time.

While there is no downside to allowing the natural elements to infuse you with optimal health and wellbeing you may not be in striking distance or close enough to a natural setting to reap the full benefits.

When you live in a concrete jungle it becomes harder to access the prescription of nature, which makes popping a pill seem way easier and faster.

The good news for you is that the research being done in the fields of nature therapy have shown that creating an indoor landscape, or simply looking out at nature through a window has the same effects. In fact patients recovering from surgery have been studied and shown to heal faster when they are facing a window with a view of nature. Even having a plant in a room can have a significant impact on stress and anxiety.

Don’t forget that some of the interactions you have with nature may not seem like they’re healing, but they are. When you feel the freedom and relaxation that comes with gardening, the calm that comes over you when you cuddle with your pet, or when you look up at a tree on a busy urban street you’re connecting with nature.

Fit or Flop

Healing through nature is a definite fit. At a minimum nature is an adjunct to traditional medicine, and at a maximum a replacement for medication. As we become more and more industrialized we move further and further away from our natural needs to be in nature. Making time every day to spend a few moments with reconnected with your natural world will definitely shift your mind and body toward a higher state of wellbeing.

When time doesn’t permit the real thing you can watch a video, listen to nature sounds, spend a few minutes in natural sunlight or look through a nature magazine. The main goal is to reconnect to something sacred or indigenous, and to create a sense of connection with something greater.

It’s important to remember that we cannot utilize nature as a resource without giving back. Relationships are reciprocal and that includes the one we build with our natural environments.

Using nature as a resource for our own benefit is exactly why we see it disappearing every day. You must always show the respect, admiration and awe that nature deserves and we must ingest its beauty with the intention of giving back to the world what we receive.

There’s a crusade happening, but if you’ve spent the last five years beating yourself up for every mistake, failure, or imperfection, then you probably don’t know about it.

Self-compassion is the newest form of healing to come out of the modern new-age self-help movement. Being kind to yourself and treating yourself like you would a good friend has become the recommended prescription for many mental health ailments and for improving relationships with others. There are self-compassion workshops, workbooks, and even institutes popping up all around the world dedicated to helping people learn how to stop self-flagellating and start self-soothing.

Self-compassion, according to the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, is responding to difficult thoughts and feelings with kindness, sympathy, and understanding so that you soothe and comfort yourself when you’re hurting. Research done by Kristin Neff, PhD has shown that self-compassion greatly enhances emotional well-being, boosts happiness, reduces anxiety and depression, and can even help maintain healthy lifestyle habits such as diet and exercise.

Compassion–the human quality that motivates people to go out of their way to help heal the physical, spiritual, or emotional hurts or pains of another–is by no means a new concept. The practice of compassion has lived in the texts of Hinduism, Judaism, Buddhism, and Christianity for centuries, and spiritual leaders such as Gandhi and the Dalai Lama have delivered the message of its healing powers.

Compassion is also not new to the field of psychology. Noted psychologist Carl Rogers talked about “unconditional positive regard.” Another American psychologist, Albert Ellis, introduced the notion of “unconditional self-acceptance”–both of which are intended to ease the suffering caused by a masochistic self. Self-compassion, or self-kindness, is an extension of compassion directed toward the self. It’s not the same as self-pity, and it has different effects from self-esteem.

We all know that it’s generally pretty easy to show compassion to other people. A friend goes through a breakup and you tell her to do something nice for herself. Your child gets bullied at school so you take him out for ice cream and tell him he deserves better. When it comes to self-application, however, the practice of compassion becomes much harder.

I don’t know about you, but I find it crazy that I have to learn how to be nice to myself, but at the same time there are days where I certainly wouldn’t want to be the jury if I were the judge.

Pros And Cons

In a culture where we’re driven to go beyond our limits and aspire to unrealistic goals, a moment of self-kindness can go a long way. We also live in a world where perfectionism has become an epidemic and where doing more has become a disease. Self-compassion can ease the pain and suffering that comes with trying to live up to unachievable standards, and it offers a brief reprieve from daily stress.

Do know, however, that it is possible to misuse self-compassion.

Sometimes our most painful emotions are the greatest teachers, and the lessons can only come through suffering. For example, when it comes to an emotion like healthy guilt, applying too much self-compassion may block an opportunity for the learning and understanding that can come from this powerful emotion. Guilt is a challenging emotion to tolerate, so trying to make it “go away” is common. When you read about how self-compassion can mitigate painful feelings you may tell yourself that it’s okay to not feel guilty, when in fact your guilt is the driving force behind the important act of making amends. Letting yourself “off the hook” or making excuses is not the same as practicing self-compassion.

If you’ve hurt someone (even unintentionally) it’s important to heal that rupture for both you and the victim. If you let the guilt go too quickly you could miss an opportunity for this repair and leave the other person feeling unresolved or unable to forgive. Self-compassion shouldn’t be used to erase or replace feelings; it’s a balm that should be applied liberally to ease the pain and the unnecessary suffering that comes from being critical or judgmental of the self.

Fit Or Flop

Self-compassion is a definite fit. Being kind to yourself is not only a commonsense practice, but it’s been shown in research to help with several issues and ailments. Learning to be less self-critical and become more self-forgiving offers both immediate effects and long-lasting benefits.

Don’t expect self-compassion to be a fix-all however, and it shouldn’t be used as a replacement for professional support. This is particularly true with more serious symptoms of depression or anxiety.

Also be mindful of not letting your self-compassion backfire by allowing it to become the source of more suffering. It’s important to remember that even though you can take a workshop or “learn” self-compassion, there are no hard and fast rules for a right way to do it. Like all practices, the more you do it the easier it gets. Not unlike the practice of gratitude and positive thinking, self-compassion should be used as an adjunct to deeper work. Although it offers relief it doesn’t access underlying issues that will continue to surface without the proper treatment.

Vulnerability is literally your “ability” to be vulnerable. It’s the deep expression of your most sacred thoughts and feelings, and it’s the willingness to share yourself with others authentically and without apology. Vulnerability is also about exposing your flaws, secrets, and darker sides without shame. The capacity to be vulnerable depends on many things, including your upbringing, your level of courage, and a feeling of safety.
Growing up you might have been taught both implicitly and explicitly to be emotionally strong. You learned to control your feelings and to avoid burdening others with your pain. When vulnerability is discouraged you develop a sense of shame not only about having feelings but also expressing them. Thus, being vulnerable doesn’t come easily to everyone, particularly when you struggle with emotional expression in general.
Brené Brown, one of the leaders in the vulnerability movement, defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” She has stated that to be human is to be in vulnerability. This means that it’s in your nature to be vulnerable, which suggests that your inability to be vulnerable can lead to inauthenticity and a disconnection from your self.
If you think of emotional expression as being weak, then you’ll resist being vulnerable. If you learn to value your own feelings and see them as important, you will be more compelled to express yourself.
If you’ve been avoiding vulnerability you might be noticing some of these in your relationships:

• Disconnection
• Feeling unsupported
• Loneliness
• Disappointment
• Frustratration

It’s definitely exposing to share your feelings or imperfections. It can feel as though you’re standing naked in front of the world just waiting to be judged and demoralized for being your most honest self.

This is why it’s not wise to be vulnerable with everyone.

The practice of vulnerability needs to be reserved for the precious few people in your life who have earned the right to experience you in this way. When expressing your vulnerability goes well, it deepens your intimacy and connection in your relationships. When it isn’t received with tenderness and understanding it can hurt deeply and ultimately make you shut down.
Becoming a more vulnerable person happens over time with practice, courage, and personal insight. The more you know and accept yourself, the easier it will be to share and be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is not something you do in your day-to-day interactions; it needs to happen with intention and mindfulness.
Ideally you will set up the right context that ensures a positive experience and in which you can feel completely safe and open.

When you feel ready to begin practicing vulnerability, you’ll want to set yourself up for success.

Here are some beginning steps to practicing vulnerability with someone you love:

1. Get clear about what you want to share or ask for. This should be one or two feelings that seem important for the person to know. Examples might be “I’m struggling a bit at work and I need your support” or “I’m feeling lonely in our relationship.”
2. Schedule a specific time to talk so you know when you will be having the conversation and can have time to prepare.
3. Sit in a meditation before having the conversation. Do a heart-centered practice that opens you to giving and receiving so you are in a good place to speak your feelings.
4. Before you begin to speak, set some boundaries that ensure your safety. This can be explaining that you do not want any advice or that you don’t want to receive anything negative in response to what you will be sharing.
5. When you’re done sharing, express gratitude and appreciation to the listener.

The greatest obstacle you’ll need to overcome when working toward being more vulnerable will be what you’ve learned and been conditioned to believe about opening up in this way. You’ve been bombarded with messaging from the culture and from your smaller world that promotes independence, bucking up, and dealing with your own problems. Asking for help and support is often connected to a deep sense of shame because you believe that you should be able to handle whatever comes your way.
The truth is that it takes a lot more courage to admit weakness than it does to show strength. Be brave and know that no one has ever died from sharing their feelings, but many people have become happier as a result of doing it.