Confidence is something we all aspire to have, but the truth is that insecurity is something we all experience. Insecurities were huge for most people in high school (think acne, frizzy hair, not making the sports team, etc.), and although we’ve hopefully gotten over some of these things, we still are fragile and imperfect human beings who sometimes doubt ourselves.
Take a deep breath and think about your own insecurities for a minute. Maybe it’s about your looks, your career, your intelligence, your family, or any other aspect of life that makes you feel vulnerable to others’ critical opinions. Unfortunately, these negative self-evaluations can limit your growth and stunt you in your relationships by making you feel like you’re not good enough. It is possible, though, to reframe things in your mind so that these uncertainties don’t rob you of your happiness. Here are some strategies to help you tame (and even overcome) your insecurities.
The first is simply to identify what you’re insecure about. Find the words to articulate to yourself what thought or belief is bringing you down. Sometimes we have the added difficulty of having multiple insecurities, but there are usually one or two that eat at us the most: “I’m unattractive,” or “my job stinks,” are some examples. Although it can be painful to admit, be honest with yourself.
It can be helpful to write down what you’re feeling so you can examine and evaluate it a bit more objectively. Then identify the source of your belief. Did someone tell you that you weren’t good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough? Where did that message come from? Identify what triggered your insecurity by finding out what’s at the root of it.
After gathering some information about how you feel regarding your insecurity, try to be as objective as possible and determine the facts of the situation. For example, a young woman might feel shame when she looks at a beauty magazine because she feels she doesn’t measure up in the looks department.
But after coming to understand what her self-doubt is and that she’s receiving messages about her body from an external source, hopefully she can realize that although she may not look like a model, she does have a healthy, functioning, and beautiful body that she can be proud of and feel comfortable with. By taking a step toward looking at things from a big-picture perspective, you may find that the facts make your insecurity dissipate (or at least not take up so much space in your psyche).
You’ve done a lot of “research” on your insecurity: You’ve identified what it is, where it came from, and whether it matches up with the facts. If you find that it’s more than just a nagging thing that’s bringing you down, perhaps consider it as a source of inspiration for you to make some changes.
Is there something you want to achieve? If so, determine what it is. Maybe it’s dressing in a way that is more flattering to your body, maybe it’s advancing in your career, or maybe it’s feeling more connected in your relationships. Once you’ve identified your goal, figure out what small step or action you can take to get yourself closer to it.
Insecurities aren’t always bad if they motivate us to improve. Dreams don’t come true overnight, so break things down little by little to achieve them.
Insecurities aren’t fun. I’ve had my fair share, and although they may never leave us completely, there are steps we can take to make them more manageable and keep them from ruining an otherwise beautiful life. Dig a little deeper into what’s making you second guess yourself, figure out if it’s real, and if you choose to, use your insecurity as motivation to improve your life and relationships.
Author: Dr. Julie Hanks
Do you post selfies? If so, you’re far from alone; the selfie trend seems to have reached a fever pitch in recent years. Back in 2014, Google revealed that Android users alone take 93 million selfies per day! And pretty much all celebrities on Instagram have up-close pictures of their faces that they’ve decided to blast out to their fans. Selfies come in all different forms: reflective, silly, sensual, and just downright vain.
Some of us in the mental health field have recently taken a deeper look at what’s behind this selfie-driven culture. What are the reasons some individuals manically post and “like” pictures of themselves and their friends online, and what are some of the possible drawbacks of this mindset and behavior?
Studies have shown the connections between Facebook use and loneliness. Could an obsession with selfies show similar findings? Research experiments of two groups of 1,200 men and women found that those who frequently posted selfies often exhibited what psychologists refer to as the “Dark Triad,” which are the traits of narcissism, manipulation, and disregard for others’ feelings. Yikes! Not the prettiest picture (no pun intended) of selfie takers.
I don’t believe, however, that most people who snap selfies are arrogant narcissists. Not at all. Every person’s motivation is a little bit different, but there are some common deeper implications that may accompany the tendency to take pictures of yourself. One includes the human desire to capture memories. We like to have proof that we’ve lived, that we’ve had enjoyable and meaningful experiences with others. A picture may provide that piece of evidence that we’re looking for. It’s natural to want to be remembered and to have left our mark, and in some ways a selfie may be a sort of photographic legacy.
Is wanting to remember your life a good reason to take selfies? Sure. It’s fun to look back on younger times and see what we were up to. Even in our selfie-saturated culture, though, there are ways to leave your mark that don’t involve putting an iPhone camera in your face. Why not write in a journal or create something that will last?
It may not be the most pleasant thing to hear, but the truth is that your social media friends probably don’t think about your selfies all that much. They may comment or like them in the moment, but then they move on and probably won’t think about them again. Selfies can be enjoyable for a time, but they may not have much lasting value.
Another thing your selfies might say about you is that you are looking for validation. The entire purpose of posting a picture, video, or status update on social media is for others to take notice of it. It’s not bad to want attention; everyone needs a healthy amount of it. However, posting selfie after selfie (duckface, at the beach, etc.) may be a sign that you’re desperate for others’ approval.
Although interaction with the virtual world can be a part of a healthy social life, it shouldn’t make up the bulk of your relationships. So if you find yourself taking and posting a ton of selfies, make sure you’re nourishing your face-to-face friendships as well.
Some join in the selfie craze to be part of a social group or movement. For example, many women have hopped on the “no makeup selfie” bandwagon to portray themselves as more real and authentic. Many of these movements have hashtags that go along with them so that participating members can connect with each other. Using social media and images to promote a certain idea or statement is a creative way to express your social and political viewpoints, but taken too far these may be yet another way for us to obsess about our online presence.
Above all, I would encourage people to try to balance out their selfie posting with pictures of other people and other activities. People who post selfies too often may appear shallow or self-centered. Take them sometimes to make memories, to express your views, and to connect with others, but don’t let photographs of yourself be your main message to the online world.
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Raising Strong And Happy Girls
When it comes to girls growing up in our modern culture, I think Charles Dickens put it perfectly: it’s the best of times, it’s the worst of times. Young women in America have more freedoms and opportunities than ever before in history, and they can have wonderful and fulfilling relationships and careers.
Still, those formative years can be pretty brutal with the pressures to be thin, smart, funny, kind, and attractive weighing heavily on a young female’s shoulders. Add to that the fact that girls often take a major blow to their confidence at the age of 8 or 9, and it’s easy to see how they can have a pretty rough time.
So what can we do? How can we help girls find direction and purpose in this world? How do we equip them with the skills they’ll need to navigate the challenges they’ll experience and reach their potential? Book after book has been written about good parenting advice for daughters, and I won’t pretend to offer all the solutions on this topic in a single article. But I still believe that we can do our part to help girls overcome these common obstacles. Whether it’s your daughter, sister, niece, or student, here are a few ideas to help bring up a strong and healthy girl.
One of the aspects of a young woman that is given the most attention is her physical appearance. How often do we say things like, “She’s so cute!” or “Oh my goodness, I love your dress and shoes”? Although it’s not bad to tell a girl she’s pretty, we need to be sure that’s not the main message we give her about what we think about her.
In a famous HuffPo article from a few years ago, Lisa Bloom wrote about the importance of asking a girl about what’s going on in her heart and mind (for example, what book she is reading). This can help them value themselves more than just physically and also hopefully help them avoid the myriad problems plaguing young women who go to dangerous lengths in the hopes of improving their bodies (eating disorders, plastic surgery, etc.)
Another way to raise a strong girl is to consciously fight the culture of entitlement. Unfortunately, many of the young women portrayed in media today act like divas, and our daughters, granddaughters, and nieces may look up to them as role models. One of the ways to counter this is to talk to young girls about the value of hard work and the importance of kindness. The mother’s behavior really sets the tone here. Show by example how not to act like a diva; instead show gratitude, compassion, and conscientiousness.
A sometimes overlooked aspect of bringing up daughters is preparing them for the “real world” of education and career. It seems we often talk to young men about one day having a great job and salary but neglect to help teach and prepare young girls for these same things. We must speak frequently with every girl about how she will continue her journey of learning and take advantage of work opportunities so she can provide for herself, use her talents, and serve her community.
Also, studies show that girls whose mothers work outside the home may have an economic advantage. No matter how your family does things, make sure to talk often (and in a positive way!) with growing girls about career exploration.
Raising happy and healthy girls obviously doesn’t happen overnight; it’s a process that takes years of helping them nurture their minds, learn to work hard, have new learning experiences, and prepare for their future. I encourage you to consider how you can be a good influence on the young women in your life—in ways big or small.
Our culture romanticizes love. From first kisses, saying those three little words, marriage proposals, walking down the aisle, and growing old together, so many of us want to be in love, experience love, or savor the love we already have. But once we get past the honeymoon phase, once we take off our rose-colored glasses and realize that our partner has flaws, and that our relationship is not as perfect as a fairy tale, then what?
It seems that too many people think something’s wrong if they’re not always happy or even go so far as to swear off love once they’ve been disappointed. Although it’s true that real love is sometimes rocky, it can help us grow—both together and as individuals—and ultimately bring us real joy (instead of merely innocent bliss).
Love is an invitation to grow, but we’re not always fully listening.
If you are married or in a serious relationship, or if you have children or other family members you spend a great deal of time with, remember that these individuals likely know you better than almost anyone else. They probably are intimately aware of your strengths and also of your weaknesses and shortcomings. They know your endearing patterns and your annoying quirks. So when these people give you feedback, take the time to listen!
Hopefully those closest to you aren’t constantly bombarding you with critical messages, but even the most loving and kind person may express that you need to work on something. Not long ago my husband and kids told me a few different times that I needed to work on being a better listener. I was shocked. Don’t they know that I’ve made a career out of listening?! But after internalizing what they’d been saying, I realized that they were right; I did need to work on that communication skill. And we need these kinds of close relationships to help us improve. We have to bump up against others to smooth out our rough edges.
Another way that love helps us grow is that it challenges us to confront our insecurities, vulnerabilities, and past emotional wounds.
Like it or not, all of our issues will eventually come bubbling to the surface. It’s amazing to me how so many of us gravitate toward individuals who make us face those painful issues; we often keep picking the same type of person over and over again, and we get them to play out a situation in our mind similar to ones we’ve experienced in the past. Unfortunately, sometimes this can lend itself to relationship problems (such as a young woman with a neglectful father having trust issues in her romantic life), but it can also help us overcome and move past these emotional raw spots through our connections with others.
A picturesque version of love looks like a dream of romance, beauty, and a perfect life with the other person. But in real life, saying yes to love means saying yes to happiness and tears. It’s something that seasoned couples have experienced but younger couples may not fully understand.
Things will be hard at times. We won’t always look like we did when we were in our twenties, and we may even experience the pain of infertility, financial troubles, or chronic disease. I never mean to paint a negative picture of love and relationships; my family has brought me so much joy throughout the years. Still, let’s remember that real love is more than a picture-perfect romance.
As a therapist and as a wife of 27 years, I’ve had plenty of time to learn and apply these principles and see them in the lives of my clients. Some years have been difficult, and I’ve had to learn unexpected and painful lessons, but we keep moving forward because we’re still growing.
Love is more than a feeling; it’s a verb and a commitment. And when things are not as blissful as we’d like, we can draw on one or all of those meanings to help us see it through.
Everyone has an innate desire to be understood, to be heard, and to be validated. This is why close relationships can be so powerful. They give us the opportunity to connect with others in ways that allow both individuals to be seen, respected, loved, and really feel known by the other person. But as many of us have experienced, even burning love can cool down, and even couples who once had a deep emotional engagement with one another may find themselves feeling disconnected and dissatisfied.
As a clinical therapist of more than 20 years, I’ve sat with many disheartened couples who are confused about where their love has gone and why they don’t feel the same way about each other that they once did. There are a great number of reasons why a marriage or romantic relationship could be in distress, and I won’t attempt to solve or remedy all of them in a single article.
I will say that one thing I have seen work wonders in improving relationships and alleviating marital and personal hardship is empathy. I call it the “secret sauce” of a happy marriage. In fact, a Harvard research study from a few years ago showed that marriages were more successful when the man tried to demonstrate empathy in his interactions with his wife. Clearly, there’s something important and noteworthy about it.
So what is empathy exactly? It’s a willingness and ability to sit with another person, really listen, and reflect back your partner’s experience. Some individuals are naturally empathetic, whereas others need to work to develop it a bit more. Either way, it can be an invaluable trait to bring to a marriage. Here are some ways that you can use empathy to improve your relationships.
One of the first things to do is to listen to the emotional message in your partner’s pleas. This can be difficult because the words and the emotional message might not be the same thing. For example, if your spouse says things like, “you always come home late,” or “you never text me when you’re on your way,” it may be tempting to get defensive at the criticism.
However, I encourage you to listen for the deeper meaning in the words. It’s likely that what your partner is actually trying to communicate is “I miss you when you’re away and want to spend more time with you,” or “I’m scared that I’m not important to you.” Practice this communication skill of deciphering the underlying message, then figure out how best to respond to it.
Another good strategy for employing empathy in your relationships is to step out of your own emotional experience sometimes to fully listen to and seek to understand the other person’s. This is not easy. When a spouse is giving critical feedback, your gut reaction is likely one of trying to explain, defend, or rationalize, but these uncomfortable situations are when empathy is needed the most. Press the pause button on your own feelings, and as painful as it might be, try to see things from the opposite perspective.
And finally, show empathy by reflecting back your partner’s experience in your words. This is an aspect of active listening that can help to clarify any inadvertent miscommunication. Using phrases like “what I’m hearing you say is ____” or “you must be feeling _____” can help make sure you two are on the same page. The Harvard study showed that women were happier when their husbands were making their best effort to respond empathetically to their negative experiences. So if you’re not perfect, don’t stress! This is a skill to learn and to develop, and a marriage or close relationship is the perfect opportunity to practice.
Empathy is not necessarily a cure-all, but it is a crucial component of a healthy relationship (especially a long-lasting one like a marriage). In times of distress, practice these methods to strengthen your connections to the ones you love.
Remember the cattiness and gossip from mean (and likely insecure) girls in junior high? Looking back on it, we can probably see how silly it was, but it can really hurt for the young people who are actually experiencing it. Sadly, emotional friend drama isn’t always a thing of the past. Lots of adult women engage in this type of conversation and behavior, and we really need to put a stop to it. The first step to changing something is being aware of it, yet it seems like those who are swimming in their own drama don’t even recognize it!
Although you can never control another person, I encourage you to take an honest look in the mirror to see whether you yourself act like a drama queen. We’ve all been guilty at times, so here are some strategies to dial down the drama.
Bypass the drama by being assertive and asking directly for what you’d like. So much of the tendency to lash out and gossip is because an individual is acting out of spite or insecurity. For example, if you were left out of a fun outing of close friends, you may act passive–aggressive or make subtle yet biting remarks. This could be avoided by acknowledging to yourself that you’re hurt and then expressing this to friends. Don’t get caught up in the pettiness of backbiting or emotionally guilt-tripping someone—just be up front about what you’re feeling.
Another way to ditch the drama is to keep your own feelings in check. Sounds simple, but when emotions are running high in a tense situation, it can be pretty difficult. Runaway emotions can cause us to do or say things we later regret (think of the classic angry Facebook post that gets someone in trouble), so control the situation by controlling yourself. Take a deep breath, press the pause button if necessary, hit the gym, and then deal with the issue when you’re not feeling so emotionally flooded. Don’t let your passion get the better of you—channel your feelings into something productive so you don’t react too harshly or explosively.
Next consider what your role is in social settings. Do you tend to stay in the background, or are you front-row–center? Do you get jealous when others are getting noticed, and do you wish you were getting the praise at your job instead of your hard-working colleague?
If so, you may be bringing the drama! This might sound harsh, but the world doesn’t revolve around you. Let others have a turn in the spotlight, and practice being happy and complimentary toward someone else instead of making everything about you. Learn to share the attention, not hog it.
A huge red flag indicating drama is talking about people when they’re not there. That’s what gossip is all about. If you find yourself doing this, cut it out! You don’t want people doing that to you, so show them the same amount of respect. A good rule to follow is not to speak critically or negatively about someone behind his or her back. If you have a real and legitimate problem with another person, address it directly and one-on-one; no peanut gallery necessary!
And finally, one of the most important things you can do to rid yourself of the habit of being dramatic is to analyze yourself and your own habits.
Cultivating an awareness of our emotions—especially the painful ones (as uncomfortable as it may be)—is key here. The truth is that drama often manifests because you are feeling “less than,” or that you don’t measure up somehow. Causing or perpetuating drama is a sign that you’re insecure about yourself and that you need to be noticed or validated.
I know a young woman who experienced the pain resulting from drama at her job when a co-worker bashed her to the rest of the office behind her back. Word got back to her quickly, and she went straight to the source and told the co-worker she didn’t appreciate the unkind words and wished she had been up front with her instead of spilling to everyone else. Over time, it became clear that the contentious co-worker was jealous, frustrated, and disappointed with her life. This does not excuse her gossipy behavior, but it does illustrate how drama and backbiting often is used to cover up more vulnerable emotions.
If you find yourself creating drama, dig a little deeper and investigate why it is you thrive on drama, then seek to fulfill yourself in a healthy way.
We all have our inner teenagers, those parts of our personality that haven’t quite matured yet. Let’s practice acting more like adult women than catty teenagers by being honest with ourselves about how we’re feeling, addressing problems directly, and treating others with respect and dignity. It’s time to retire the crown and stop being a drama queen for good.
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Worry Less About What Others Think
Everyone wants to feel included, valued, and loved, but wasting time and energy worrying what friends, family, and acquaintances think about us usually does more harm than good. We care about other people and understandably want to be well liked. It’s not wrong to give some thought to others’ views, but the problem comes when we care about what someone else thinks more than what we think. This can bring a lot of stress and get in the way of our happiness.
The first thing to consider is that you can never really know what someone else thinks of you. Too often, women seem to think that they are mind readers and can say with near certainty that someone else thinks they aren’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc. We create negative portrayals of ourselves that may have no real basis in reality and then project them onto someone else. You can’t say for sure what another person is thinking, and it’s unnecessarily damaging to act like you do.
Also—this might be a tough pill to swallow, but the truth is that other people probably aren’t giving us lots of space in their brains at all. Eleanor Roosevelt once said that we wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of us if we knew how seldom they do. Kind of stings a bit, but it helps put things in perspective that we don’t have to create a big drama trying to guess what someone is thinking.
But let’s say that your fears are confirmed and someone you know actually does think less of you. Who really cares?
It’s all right if someone doesn’t agree with you, doesn’t like all your choices, or generally doesn’t think you have it all together. We can’t use other people’s approval as our main source of motivation. As a former people-pleaser, I understand this is difficult. But when something isn’t our business (and this includes others’ opinions of us), it’s best we stay out of it. My guess is that you have more than enough going on in your life to occupy your attention; no need to be burdened by someone else’s view of you on top of everything else.
And guess what else? You can be happy without someone else’s approval! You don’t need others to validate you; you can validate you! This is such a liberating truth that I wish I had known many years ago. It doesn’t really matter if someone doesn’t like your beliefs, your clothes, your career, your significant other, etc. It doesn’t have to bear any influence on your sense of joy and well-being. It’s draining to care so much about what others think of you, and it’s incredibly refreshing to let go of that worry. I promise you that you’ll have more emotional energy to spend on things and people that really matter to you.
And finally, one of the best reasons to quit worrying about what people are saying or thinking about you is that your self-worth is constant. You are a human being of infinite value. Be careful not to inadvertently link your worth to someone or something else.
When I was young and beginning my career as a singer/songwriter, I was extremely sensitive to what critics said about my music. I’m grateful that much of my work was well received, but when a song didn’t do quite as well as I had wanted or expected, I was crushed. Looking back, I realize that this was partially because I was tying my worth to someone’s opinion of my art. I’m thankful to know now that my self-worth is unchanging, no matter what happens in my career.
Almost all of us have spent too much energy stressing about what someone else thinks. I invite you to consider how you can let go of this stress to be content with yourself and reach your own personal potential.
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Adults Need Close Friends Too
We all remember how good and happy we felt as kids when we had friends to play with on the playground. There’s something extra special about knowing that someone cares about you, somebody invited you along, somebody wants you in their group. As we grow into adults, though, it’s easy to think that we can do it all on our own. If we’re paying our own bills and working on our career—and especially if we have families or committed romantic relationships of our own—there’s no need to expend further time and energy on friendships, right? Wrong!
Grownups, even when they’re married and have kids, have a psychological core to socialize with others, and friends play a different role than family members do. For one thing, these relationships usually place fewer demands on us, so they’re not as draining. They also can work as a sounding board for fresh, new ideas and can give us a break from home life for a bit. For me personally, I adore my family, but sometimes it’s so refreshing and energizing to go out to lunch with a girlfriend.
There’s some really compelling social science evidence making the case for the importance of grownups having friends. In the past few years, there have been several research studies conducted that illustrate how adults with close friendships thrive better than those without them.
One of the more comprehensive and revealing research projects on this topic came out of Australia, where 1,500 seniors were closely followed for 15 years. The results? Those who spent a significant amount of time with friends lived about 22 percent longer than those who spent time only with family. This and other studies illustrate how maintaining close friendships can ward off loneliness and depression, increase enjoyment and satisfaction, and even make us more likely to fend off disease. So yes, friends are incredibly important to your physical and emotional health!
But let’s say you examine your life and realize you might be coming up a bit short in this department. It can be intimidating to get out of your comfort zone and forge new friendships, especially since so many other adults seem to be pretty well established in their social groups. How do you expand your circle of friends in a way that doesn’t come off as desperate or needy?
It’s actually okay to send the message that you’re looking for a friend or in need of some company (the individuals who do this in a way that turns people off don’t own up to what they want and may try to manipulate or guilt trip you into spending time together). I encourage you to be assertive and express directly that you’d like to get to know someone better.
I can think of several instances in my own life where I was at a gathering and crossed paths with someone who I could tell was a very interesting and engaging person, so I went up to her and said that I’d really like to be her friend! Don’t shy away from doing this; it’s really quite a compliment to someone that you’d be bold enough to say something like that.
And if you don’t get the response you’re hoping for, or the other person doesn’t seem to reciprocate? We all understand that adults are busy people, so I suggest reaching out three times. If you still aren’t getting feedback from the other person, it’s time to move on. But don’t stress! You can create a new friendship bond with someone else.
Another way to access the benefits that come with close adult relationships is to use the ones you already have! We get busy, we get married, we change jobs, we move around, etc., so it’s natural to lose touch and connection with people in our lives who once played a bigger role. Technology really is such a gift in that it helps us keep in touch. While we still need those face-to-face interactions, don’t underestimate the power of staying in contact via Facebook, email, blogging, etc. Some of my very dearest friends are those whom I don’t see very often, but we use social media to stay updated on each others’ lives!
And remember that there are different levels of friendship; not everyone is going to be our best friend, and that’s okay. So some people you might communicate with quite frequently, while others you choose to touch base with occasionally. Whatever your specific circumstances, make sure you are devoting at least some of yourself to those friendships. You’ll be happier and better off for it!
I’m very grateful for my adult friendships; they have enriched my life and also given me much-needed support at times. I invite you to consider the state of your own friendships. Have they taken a back seat to other responsibilities? We’re all very busy, but perhaps it’s time you reached out to rekindle a connection with a long-lost friend. Or maybe branch out and create new connections. Adult friendships can play a crucial role in your life; don’t neglect them!
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A Friend In Need Needs YOU Indeed
I’m convinced that friendship is one of the greatest gifts we have as human beings. We can have fun together, rely on each other, and learn quite a bit along the way. But a long-standing friendship usually sees one or both individuals getting thrown an emotional curveball. Job loss, breakups, health issues, problems at work, mental illness, and just overall discontentment with life are all examples of negative possibilities that someone may have to face.
If someone close to you is experiencing something difficult, what is your role? How do you help alleviate the suffering? Is it even your place to get involved? As a therapist, I’ve noticed that sometimes our instincts of what to say or do are well intentioned but can sometimes be the opposite of what the other person needs. Here are some suggestions of how you can help a friend who isn’t happy.
The first step is to show empathy. Even in close-knit relationships, there are differing levels of intimacy, and if a friend is vulnerable enough to open up to you about a struggle, respond kindly and compassionately. Try your best to really listen, and don’t get weirded out or back away from something that’s uncomfortable or unpleasant. Be a “bad weather friend,” not a fair weather one. Everything you say or do should be rooted in empathy.
So often we jump to solutions, but just be with your friend in her pain. Most of the time we just want to know we’re not alone in whatever hard times we face. And while you can be involved in an appropriate way, remember that you don’t have to own the problem. It can be a wonderful role for you to offer support, but it’s not your job to “fix” someone else or solve her troubles. If you find yourself bogged down by her problems or thinking about them more than you should, it might be time to take a step back and set an emotional boundary. Don’t take her load on as your own.
Another way to help is to ask questions and reflect back what she is expressing to you. This demonstrates that you care about her and are engaged in her situation. It can also give you a better understanding of what she’s going through. Consider saying something like, “How are you feeling about all of this?” or “So, what you’re saying is that ______.” Avoid statements like “I know just how you feel!” or “It’s not that bad.” These are minimizing and won’t help your friend cope or find relief. Sticking to questions and validating statements keeps the focus on her instead of on you.
So should you give recommendations to your friend about what she should do?
This can be really tricky. Unsolicited advice is almost always a bad idea. On the other hand, you may have some insight into her dilemma that could be helpful. A good way to approach this situation is to simply ask, “Are you open for feedback?”
If your friend is relaying something to you and you don’t exactly agree with her take on it, simply acknowledge that it sounds like it’s really difficult, then ask her if she wants to hear another perspective. This is respectful and gives her the opportunity to decide whether she wants to hear your ideas or if maybe what she really needs is for you to listen. Also, let your friend feel what she’s feeling. By this I mean don’t encourage her to just get over whatever’s bothering her. If she needs to cry, let her cry. Sometimes the only way to move past painful emotions is directly through them.
No one likes to see a close friend go through something difficult. However, this can be an opportunity for you to step up and be there for her when she really needs you and can even improve your relationship. Respond with empathy, use validating statements and questions, and just try be there for her in her pain.
It’s no secret that men and women approach parenting differently (fortunately, children can benefit from both unique styles). In general, men are not the primary caregiver and perhaps have a perspective that’s a little bit removed from the situation but ironically can be quite helpful and effective in raising kids. Unfortunately, sometimes there may be even a bit of a pride factor where women think they know best about how to raise their family. If this describes you at all, I challenge you to put that notion aside and realize that there’s actually a lot that moms can learn from dads. Here are a few examples of parenting strategies and characteristics that women can adopt from men.
The first is to be more flexible and even a bit more fun. Mothers often like to stick to the rules and may get frustrated when schedules aren’t followed exactly. For example, bedtime can be a common source of stress for moms, but dads are usually pretty good about not worrying too much if a kid goes to sleep a little bit later than normal every once in awhile. Of course, it’s possible to overdo it and get too lax about rules, routines, eating nutritious foods, etc. Think about the parents from Mrs. Doubtfire: Sally Field’s character was pretty uptight, while Robin Williams’ character was incredibly fun but also highly irresponsible (before he became Mrs. Doubtfire, of course). In real life, though, moms and dads can balance each other out and help their children follow the rules, such as getting to bed on time more often than not. So maybe moms can loosen up a bit?
Another strength that men often have and that women can learn from is expecting compliance the first time. When a mom’s limits are tested, sometimes she is overly nice and almost too patient and forgiving of her son or daughter. Maybe she has to ask five times for her child to clean his room before he finally does it. Dads, on the other hand, tend to have an expectation that a child will do as he/she is told immediately. There’s no arguing or bargaining; it’s not up for debate. Kids learn very quickly how much or how little bad behavior will be tolerated, so women can be like men and have high standards for their kids that must be met the first time (or at least very soon). There’s no need to be mean, just firm in our expectations.
Women can glean the power of simplicity from men. I honestly think that Pinterest has done a lot of harm to women’s self-esteem in showing them what they think their lives should be like. For instance, consider kids’ birthday parties. A customized cake, homemade decorations, an extravagant piñata, and party favors for 6-year-olds may be an unrealistic expectation that women put on themselves, whereas a dad in charge of a birthday party might order pizza, get a cake from Costco, and call it good. Men know they’re not going to be perfect and don’t let it bother them. Women tend to ruminate and replay mistakes or shortcomings in their minds. As moms, we can learn to simplify and let go of parenting perfectionism. Also, why not have the man of the house plan the next birthday party?
And one final lesson about parenting that women can learn from men is to separate or differentiate themselves from their children. Moms work so hard for their kids and want the best for them but may inadvertently over-identify with them. For example, if a child bombs a test, a mother might feel some guilt and stress over it. Dads are generally pretty good about realizing that a child’s behavior or performance does not necessarily reflect on them. Of course, there are limits to this idea: Parents are to blame for a child being an addict if they were the ones who first introduced him to drugs. But beyond dramatic situations like these, parents don’t need to feel like their children’s individual actions are their own responsibility, and so women can follow men’s example in drawing an emotional distinction between themselves and their kids.
Props to the great dads out there who aren’t perfect (none of us are!) but are using their natural gifts in raising their families in a healthy and loving way. Let’s all learn from them about how to relax, be simple, and have high but reasonable expectations for our children and for ourselves.