Author: Dr. Julie Hanks

We receive messages all the time. The music we listen to, the street signs we read, and the conversations we have with other people mean that there’s always something being communicated to us. 

But what can be even more powerful than what we hear from the outside world is what’s going on inside our minds. Sometimes that inner dialogue can be encouraging and inspirational, but all too often it’s pretty brutal (think of that annoying voice inside your head that may be telling you you’re not good enough or worthy of success or love). 

Fortunately, you don’t have to let that voice win or completely hijack your self-worth. Here are some ways to tame your inner critic and calm down negative self-talk.

The first thing to do is be aware that you have an inner voice. We don’t always think about the things we tell ourselves from day to day. Pay attention to what sorts of messages are swirling around in your brain. Maybe even take notes or write out your thoughts to determine how many negative vs. positive things you tell yourself. Then try to identify the source of that voice. 

If you find that you’re berating yourself in your head, figure out who’s really talking. It might be one or both of your parents. It might be someone else who’s criticized you or even bullied you when you were young. It could even be a painful experience you once had that caused you to question your own ability or worth. It’s helpful to realize that the voice is not you, instead it’s most likely a voice from your past. Identifying the voice as someone or something else means that you can choose to accept or reject it.

Once you’ve recognized your inner critic and determined where it came from, ask yourself if you can know for sure that what it’s saying is true. 

For example, if that voice is telling you that you’re not intelligent, how do you know that that’s true? You’re not intelligent compared to what? With whom? By what standard? It’s a baseless assumption, so challenge that voice that’s bringing you down. Counter it with possible other ideas. Let’s say you feel stupid for doing a bad job on a work project. I encourage you to challenge that critical voice that says you won’t be successful with a thought like, “I’m disappointed in myself for not doing as well as I wanted, but that doesn’t mean I can’t rise above this and do better in the future.” Don’t let your inner critic have the last word.

And finally, in order to quiet that critical voice inside your head, you’ll need to give it less space by replacing it with something positive. When working with clients who’ve struggled with this, I’ve suggested that they at least try to balance the positive and negative thoughts 50/50. It’s estimated that around 60 to 80 percent of what we say to ourselves is negative, so practice applying self-compassion and speaking kindly to yourself. 

When you catch yourself criticizing your body, balance that with something complimentary (or at least with something neutral). If you think you’re overweight or unattractive, for instance, remind yourself that you’re healthy, you’ve made fitness improvements, or that you have some other trait or accomplishment specific to you that is positive.

We truly are often our own worst enemies. Saying negative things in our head all day can bring us down and keep us from experiencing real joy and fulfillment. Apply these strategies to tame that pesky critic in your mind and find some inner peace.

Have you ever cried at something small and insignificant? Lost your temper and yelled at a friend? Cursed someone who cut you off in traffic? Most of us have. The truth is that it’s human nature to overreact (even if we don’t particularly like to admit that we do it). The hard part is catching ourselves before we have an outburst or say something we regret later. Here are some strategies to help you keep your cool under pressure and not overreact.

The first step is to take care of your basic needs. We’re more prone to lash out or have a (mini) emotional breakdown if we’re hungry, tired, or stressed out. Women especially sometimes neglect themselves and ignore their own needs when taking care of others. But it’s not self-indulgent to take time for yourself, it’s smart! Make yourself a priority and take some time regularly to reenergize and rejuvenate your most valuable resource—you! By doing so, you’ll reduce the likelihood that you’ll overreact to upsetting situations.

If you find yourself on the verge of reacting or responding to something or someone in a way that’s overly dramatic, another thing you can do is tune in to your feeling and name it. For example, if your partner is giving you feedback that is really hard to hear, acknowledge your feelings and give them a name. Saying to yourself, “this is painful” or “I’m getting defensive,” can help you manage those difficult feelings and stay in the moment instead of losing control and letting your emotions get the better of you. 

And of course, the tried-and-true strategy of taking a deep breath can prove very useful. It sounds simple, but it really works! When we overreact we’re experiencing a remnant of the primal fight-or-flight response; breathing can calm our nervous system and help us remain levelheaded in the moment. For example, if a crazy driver on the highway has you seething with anger, audibly breathe in and out then let the moment pass; it’s not worth getting all worked up about it. Taking a deep breath can help you respond more clearly and productively.

Finally, one of my favorite ways to keep a stressful experience from getting out of hand is to cognitively reframe it. That’s just a fancy therapy term that means telling yourself a story to put a positive (or at least neutral) spin on things. Say, for instance, that you find out you weren’t invited to an outing that a group of your friends went on. It can be tempting to get upset and assume that they intentionally left you out to hurt your feelings. A better approach would be to give them the benefit of the doubt and create a story in your mind that makes things seem more reasonable and understandable: Maybe they threw it together at the last minute, maybe they thought you were busy, or maybe they made a mistake (like we all do) and just straight up forgot to ask you. Either way, creating an alternate story or context to help ease the blow of a painful or stressful situation can help us rewire our thinking so that we don’t freak out.

We all are pushed to our emotional limits at times. Our careers, our finances, and certainly our relationships can test our ability to cope and endure hard things. When you find yourself experiencing something difficult, I encourage you to acknowledge and identify your feelings and bodily sensations, keep your breathing steady, and consider reframing the context of what happened so that you can stay in control.

We tend to think that age is indicative of maturity. The older we get in years, the better we can navigate and manage our feelings like grown-ups, right? Not necessarily. There are plenty of adults who act childish or try to escape responsibilities they may have. There are also a lot of young people who are very wise in how they think and behave. The truth is that emotional maturity takes energy, work, and honest self-evaluation. Here are some signs that you’re an emotional grown-up (and some tips to help you move forward if you’re a little behind).

One of the first indications is that you feel in control of your decisions. You’re the main character in your own life. While you take others’ ideas and perspective into consideration, it’s you who has the final say. I once worked with a client who was deciding whether she wanted to go back to school to get a graduate degree. She had a very busy life, and some members of her family felt that it wasn’t the right time for her to pursue more education. She valued their opinions, but it was her choice to make. Although she knew it wouldn’t always be easy, she made the decision to go back to school. This woman is a great example of emotional maturity in owning and embracing the ability to act for herself. If you find that you struggle with this, I’d suggest you start small. Make one decision completely on your own without any outside input. This will help you practice being the ultimate authority on your own life.

Another sign of emotional maturity is that you know what you think and how you feel. You can identify, articulate, and share your feelings in your relationships. You know what you need. Think of a young child who is cranky and overwhelmed from a sleepover. She probably doesn’t understand exactly what she needs, but a parent knows that having a nap and a story read to her would do wonders help her feel better. A mature grown-up can properly assess her own physical and emotional state. She knows what’s bothering her and can convey it to someone else if necessary. If you’re not adept at identifying your emotional needs, try journaling to get in touch with your thoughts and feelings. You can’t change what you don’t admit or understand, and it’s so important for your own well-being and for the health of your relationships to really dig deep into your inner experiences.

An emotional grown-up is considerate enough to empathize with another person’s struggles without taking them on as her own. For example, a young woman I worked with had gotten to the point that she stopped confiding in her mom about the difficulties she was facing. Her mother would become overwhelmed and distressed by the things her daughter had to deal with. It’s not helpful to anyone to be consumed by someone else’s problems. If you find that other people’s burdens weigh on you too heavily, imagine an invisible bubble around yourself (sounds weird, I know, but just go with it!) You can choose which ideas, words, and experiences you let in and which ones you keep out. As a therapist, I’ve had to use this small but powerful metaphor to keep myself sane and emotionally protected. Try it for yourself if you’d like.

An individual who is emotionally mature enjoys being with others as well as spending time alone. It seems that many people have a tough time being on their own. They may get anxious or restless without someone else there. If you have a hard time with this, try to become better acquainted with yourself. Go out to eat on your own or see a movie without anyone else. It really is a freeing experience to learn to enjoy your own company. You can create your own happiness. On the other hand, if you spend an inordinate amount of time alone, it might be time to branch out and seek social connection.

Being an inner grown-up doesn’t necessarily come as naturally or as easily as one may think. It’s not a question of years so much as it is one of emotional management. If you find that you’re lacking some emotional maturity, take small steps to get in better touch with and manage your own feelings, communicate in your relationships, and take a stand for yourself.

We all get a little down from time to time. Sometimes it’s because of major events such as divorce, job loss, death of a loved one, etc. Other times it’s simply because we are human and naturally experience sadness. During these times it can feel really good to have a little emotional pick-me-up. Here are a few small but powerful ways to boost your mood and lift your spirits.
One of the fastest ways to feel better when you’re low is to listen to music. Put on your favorite song, dance around, rock out in your car or bedroom, and remember that there’s a lot to be joyful about in life. Research shows that the type of music (country, pop, hip hop, etc.) doesn’t really matter; just pick something that you like! It doesn’t even have to be a happy or upbeat song, either. If you’re going through a breakup or something else that’s particularly tough, sometimes you have to go through that painful emotion to move past it and get to a more cheerful one. Might be time to break out the Adele…
Another way to quickly improve your mood is simply to smile more. Studies show that even a fake smile can help you feel better, and by continually practicing this technique you can quit faking it and truly be happier. There’s a great feedback mechanism that when we act as if something is true, it can actually become true. So show the world your pearly whites and feel your mood lifting.
Sunlight is an important tool to beat the blues. Who doesn’t feel better after spending some time in the sun? The light and vitamin D that you get from being outside are so good for our bodies and our spirits (don’t overdo it, though: Skin cancer is a real thing, so sunbathe with caution and always wear sunscreen.) Exercise can also be a great way to get those endorphins going. Get to the gym and work up a sweat to improve your mood. If you’re not up for a full workout, then just take a walk up and down the street or do something else to get moving.
The next tip may surprise you a bit. Do you remember being taught as a little kid not to talk to strangers? As a professional therapist, I’m telling you to toss that advice aside, get outside of your comfort zone, and converse with people you don’t know! Research shows that this actually makes us feel better (cool, huh?) We’ve culturally been brought up to be a bit more cheerful to new faces, so this can help us feel cheerful and happy as well. So why not strike up a conversation with the cashier at the grocery store, the woman you sit next to on the train, or the new co-worker you haven’t met yet? Interacting with strangers (or new friends) is really energizing and can bring out the best in us.
A final piece of advice I can give you to help lift your mood is to change your mind. When we’re feeling down our thoughts slow down too, so the solution is to help speed up and change our thought patterns. Maybe play a fast-paced game, talk to a friend who’s cheerful and high energy, or try something new—anything to switch up your thinking. Another thing you can do is challenge negative thoughts. Too often, we tend to be self-defeating by saying negative things to ourselves. Become aware of your own internal dialogue, then fight back against your inner critic. For example, if you find yourself thinking that you’re not intelligent, challenge that thought. Ask yourself if it’s really true, if it’s an assumption you’ve made, or if it’s something you’ve been taught. You can often get rid of those kinds of pessimistic ideas about yourself just by confronting them.
I promise that these mini-changes can work for you. From my own experiences (as well as those of my friends, family, and clients, and also as shown by clinical research), they have been shown time and time again to really work to drive out the gloom we all feel sometimes. Try them today if you need an emotional boost.

Have you ever noticed how much we talk about self-esteem? From the time that we’re very young, we learn that it’s important to feel good about ourselves. It’s not a bad thing, really. After all, confidence is the key to success and long-term contentment. But self-esteem has its limits. It is usually dependent on our performance, and therefore can waver, which means it isn’t a reliable source of comfort when we may need it the most. 

For example, if I bomb a work presentation or ruin my New Year’s resolution of taking it easy on the sugar by bingeing on peanut M&Ms, I can’t reach for self-esteem to make me feel better. A few years ago, Dr. Kristin Neff introduced a new idea to help us reframe this discussion. Whereas self-esteem is how we evaluate ourselves, the concept of self-compassion refers to how we treat ourselves. Let’s explore this a bit further.

Self-esteem is related to how unique we are, how successful how we are, and how well we can hide our shortcomings. By contrast, self-compassion is something that everyone deserves, doesn’t require success, and is always available, even in the face of mistakes. 

As a therapist who has worked with many individuals who berate and judge themselves harshly, I can tell you that self-compassion is much more important than self-esteem. Though some may initially think that being compassionate toward ourselves is self-indulgent, in reality self-compassion allows us to look outward to others once we’ve made peace with ourselves. The more patient you are with yourself, the more you have to give to others. And when it comes to compassion, it’s safe to say that women are usually pretty compassionate in nature, but sadly are often not very kind to themselves. Here are some strategies to help you increase the amount of compassion you show toward yourself.

The first thing you can do is to tune in to your own suffering. Often when we’re in pain we want to avoid our feelings, but I challenge you instead to be brave enough to acknowledge them. 

If you feel guilty for yelling at your kids, for example, don’t shy away from your shame. Look at the situation without making less or more of it. This is not self-pity, it’s simply an evaluation of your own emotions in the present moment. You’ll be more compassionate if you can be honest with yourself about what’s going on. Then practice self-kindness. This goes beyond simply saying nice things to yourself. It’s an opportunity for real self-soothing. Imagine if a friend came to you when she was experiencing something really tough. You’d likely say reassuring things to her, but you’d also just sit with her and let her know that you cared about her. 

Let’s try that same technique on ourselves. Be as kind to yourself as you’d be to someone else. Even on your worst days, you deserve it. The truth is that there are times when no one else is available (physically or emotionally) to help you feel better, so be there for yourself; that’s essentially what self-compassion is.

Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you that self-compassion works. It feels really good. I’ve practiced it on myself several times in this past year when I was experiencing overwhelming pressure from some of the professional projects I’ve been involved in. I allowed myself to be aware of my own pain, then found ways to soothe it, whether through self-talk or giving myself a hug (sometimes literally!) 

Although culturally we’re not trained to give ourselves the gift of kindness that we offer so freely to others, we can develop self-compassion as a way to help ourselves cope and find peace during our struggles.

Many women worry…a lot. It seems to be almost second nature to us, because from a young age we are socialized to be aware of the needs of others. Too often this translates into feeling responsible for others. To be fair, there are quite a few things in our lives to be concerned about: money, family (especially children), education, career, etc.
But when does worry go too far? When does it stop being productive in helping us to be conscious of things that deserve our attention and instead turn into something that consumes us?
There’s a very important distinction to be made between worry and anxiety. Worry is a mental process, a way of thinking, whereas anxiety is an emotional and physiological response some individuals experience in relation to a perceived threat. Anxiety can, unfortunately, turn into a full-blown problem that has debilitating effects on one’s life and may require therapy and/or medication to manage effectively. But I’d like to offer some ideas to help us tame worry before it gets out of control. Here are some questions to consider to help your curb your tendency to worry too much.
The first is to ask yourself whose problem it is.
I’ve found that so many women think they are responsible for everyone—their kids, their co-workers, their neighbors, their friends, etc. So much of the time we’re worrying about something that’s not even our business! While it’s admirable to be concerned for the well-being of others who are close to us, it doesn’t do any good for us to take on and worry all the time about the troubles that others face. It’s important to remember that even children, as they age and grow more independent, will eventually have their own lives and make their own choices that you do not need to be overly concerned about or involved in. Many of the clients I’ve seen in my years as a psychotherapist seem to believe that they are responsible for their adult children.
I encourage anyone with this mindset to do your best to raise your kids to have good values, but then let them be adults when the time comes.
Let’s say something is in your domain, it is your deal to worry about. What steps can you take to not let worry get the best of you? I encourage you to use the worry to prompt you to take action. Resist the temptation to sit and stew; instead exert your emotional energy to find a possible solution to the problem.
For example, maybe you’re concerned that your daughter won’t make the soccer team she just tried out for, and you’re scared that her self-esteem will be crushed if she doesn’t make the cut. You can ease your own worry and take action by sitting down with her and discussing how proud you are of her and how much you love her regardless of the outcome. This will help both you and her to prepare for a worst-case scenario.
Let’s say you’re worried about finances (who isn’t?) Recognize that your money problems will not be solved overnight, and then take even just one step today to make progress. Maybe you finally call that debt collector you’ve been avoiding, maybe you take a harder look at your budget and see where you can save, or maybe you start the process of researching how to get a better-paying job. Let the worry guide you to take meaningful action, even if it’s just one thing you do to solve the problem.
Worrying is common to the human experience and is something that women, in particular, are pretty good at. But the truth is that we don’t need to be worrying so much. Stay in your own business, use your feelings to guide you to appropriate action, and then take baby steps to improve whatever it is that you’re stressing about.
Let’s let go of worry and feel freer in our lives!

Western culture tends to believe in a scarcity mentality—that we have to compete with others and that resources and opportunities are limited. There isn’t enough. This spills over into emotional and social areas as well. We like to think we’re the smartest, the strongest, or the best. We feel satisfied in winning the game or beating out someone for a job. 

Culturally, we seem to attribute this competitive drive mainly to men. They’re ambitious in sports, in their careers, etc. But women tend to be emotionally competitive, and there’s no end to areas that we compete in: parenting, income, craftiness, how our home looks, and definitely in our appearance. We use competition as a way to cover up our insecurities, to try to prove our worth, and perhaps because we think that there’s a limited supply of success and joy in the world. Unfortunately, this attitude can compromise relationships, happiness, and even our feelings of self-worth. 

Here are some ways to help you stop competing with other women:

One of the first things I’d suggest doing is looking inside, rather than side to side. By that I mean stop looking to other people as the source of your contentment or for proof that you’re worthy. Instead of trying to size up someone else, look at yourself and ask what your individual life mission is and how you are seeking to fulfill it. Also, try to stop looking to other people to validate you and work on validating yourself! Ask yourself what your personal life mission is and how you’re improving instead of looking around and trying to outdo others.

At the root of competition is comparison, and we as women need to put an end to this vicious cycle. Teddy Roosevelt famously said that comparison is the thief of joy—he’s so right! When we compare, we either come out on top or on bottom, but either way, it takes away the joy. Remember that someone else’s success has nothing to do with you. Harsh as that may sound, it puts things into perspective that you don’t have to feel less about yourself because of someone else’s accomplishments. When you feel sad or less than another woman, you’re so preoccupied with yourself that you can’t celebrate and be happy for her. So when those feelings of jealousy or envy creep up (and they do for all of us at times), actively fight them and tell yourself that you refuse to play this losing game called comparison.

Another good strategy to ditch the competition is to practice a mindset of abundance. By this I mean to let go of this notion that only some people are successful, only a select few score a great man or a fulfilling career, etc. There really is enough love and joy for us all! A scarcity mindset can evoke a panic because it means that if someone else wins, you lose. Fortunately, that’s not the case. In the game of life, there can be multiple winners. We can stop this exhausting rat race and understand that another woman’s good fortune can add to our happiness, not detract from it.

And lastly, I encourage you to appreciate all things beautiful, whether in yourself or in other people. For example, if you find a certain woman particularly beautiful, instead of feeling envious and insecure, acknowledge her beauty, perhaps even compliment her on it, and then find inspiration in it. Appreciating all things beautiful can go beyond physical beauty and extend to anything pleasant or admirable. Maybe you’ve met someone whose job, family, or life inspires you in some way. Once you’ve been on the receiving end of some celebration of your own beauty, you’ll want to share that thrill with others. It feels so good to foster support and encouragement for one another. Let’s work on that as women.

When competition is ingrained in our psyche, it can be hard to let go of it. Practice these skills to quit comparing and sizing up other women to find peace and joy in celebrating our successes together.

It feels really great to reach a goal. There’s nothing like making progress in specific aspects of our lives that we want to improve. But as anyone with real ambition and hope to change can tell you, we’re not always successful with our goals. Sometimes we fail, even spectacularly so. Fortunately, we can craft our goals in ways that will increase our chances of achieving them. Here are some strategies to create goals that you’ll actually meet.

The first thing is to make sure that the goals you set are realistic. Vowing to never eat sugar again or attempting to lose 10 pounds in two weeks is simply not practical (and also sounds pretty miserable!) You know best what you’re capable of, so make sure your goals reflect your abilities and your commitment level. Still be ambitious and reach high (if that is what you desire), but don’t set unattainable goals for yourself, as they will likely cause frustration and disappointment. Also, consider the time and effort it will take to reach certain goals. Increasing your annual income is something that many people seem to aspire to. Maybe you’re truly willing to work hard and make a change to see that happen. If so, have at it! If not, it’s probably best not to make that a goal in the first place.

Another important thing to keep in mind is that your goals are more likely to become a reality if they reflect what you want to achieve, not what you think you should achieve. For example, some may feel that it’s important to make their bed (we had to do it as kids, so it must count for something, right?) Resolving to do this every day may seem like a trivial goal, but if it’s something that you struggle with and actually want to get better at, I say go for it! For me personally, however, I’ve realized that this isn’t something that I particularly value, and I’ve decided not to worry about it. I used to feel self-imposed guilt about this kind of thing, but I’ve learned to let it go, and now I can’t even remember the last time I made my bed!

Accountability is crucial to reaching our goals. Our connections with other human beings are vital to our well-being in so many different facets of our lives, and becoming our best selves through goal-setting is no exception! Our friends, siblings, spouses, and children can give us encouragement, love, and support. They can also provide a level of accountability to help us stick to our commitments. For example, a couple who is trying to get in shape for bathing suit season can help keep each other on the right track—not by micromanaging what the other person eats, but perhaps by going on long jogs or making healthier versions of shared favorite meals together.

In addition to communicating our progress toward our goals to other people, there are more ways to make ourselves accountable. I know a young woman who had set a firm resolution to do or say one nice thing for another person every day. To help her stay strong in pursuit of her goal, she started a journal where she could write down her good deeds. If you really want your goals to become reality, find concrete ways to make yourself accountable for them.

Remember that goals are most effective when they give us purpose and direction. I suggest setting just a few specific goals of things that you really want to achieve. These can help guide your actions and behaviors for the long term. One common struggle is decreasing motivation over time. It seems like we’re often pretty strong coming out of the gate but then begin to lose steam and excitement over time. To combat this, I’d suggest frequently taking the time to reassess your goals and reinvigorate your own commitment, and giving yourself visuals of how far you’ve come and how much you want to achieve something.

I love the process of goal-setting and achieving. It can bring great confidence and satisfaction as it allows us to truly envision our potential as human beings to improve our own lives. Set challenging yet attainable goals, lean on your relationships for support and accountability, and also take steps to keep yourself motivated along the way.

Best of luck with your goals!

Charles Dickens once wrote about great expectations, that is, about presupposing or assuming that certain things would happen. As women, we often have great expectations for ourselves and our lives, but the downside is that we can become disillusioned or frustrated when things don’t turn out as we thought they would (or as we think they should). 

It can be tempting to live in a fantasy world of our own making where everything goes according to plan, but reality tells a different story. Throughout my career as a clinical therapist, I’ve noticed that much of the hurt that women carry stems from a few common expectations. Here are some ways to let go of them and be free to experience and enjoy real life.

First, consider the things you expect of yourself. If you’re like most women, you probably have a hang-up or two about your body. Who doesn’t want to lose those last ten pounds? If fitness is important to you, then I certainly don’t mean to discourage you from pursuing your goals. 

However, these kinds of dreams can become problematic when you essentially put your happiness on hold until you drop the weight or make a certain half marathon time. Give yourself permission to relax and not necessarily immediately achieve the rigid plans you set for yourself. By letting go of the expectation to do something (and not beating yourself up if it doesn’t happen), you may even find that you have more motivation and emotional energy to tackle the challenge.

Another expectation that can weigh us down is thinking that everyone should like us. It’s natural to want to be admired—popular even—but worrying what others think or spending an inordinate amount of time and energy people-pleasing can be extremely taxing on our emotional and mental health. I encourage you to acknowledge the reality that not everyone is going to agree with you or approve of what you do—and that’s okay! We can’t be everyone’s cup of tea. Famous musician (and reformed bad-boy) John Mayer once spoke of how liberating it is to accept that not everyone is going to like you. Be who you are, and those who matter will gravitate toward you.

Not surprisingly, many of the stress-inducing expectations women carry have to do with their family life, such as kids who always behave, never forget to flush the toilet, get straight As, and eat all their vegetables. These are lofty ideals and don’t reflect real life at all! Remember that you have influence, but you can never control another person, even your own offspring. A lot of women might say they have reasonable expectations for kids, but for some reason, we think our own should be perfect. 

We understand, for instance, that a 3-year-old child won’t be able to sit still for an hour-long meeting, but we still may get annoyed if our own little toddler has trouble with such a task. Let’s try to cut our family some slack when it comes to our imperfections. Also, you are not your child! Your kids are not an extension of you; they are separate individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, choices, and will. One way to let go of weighty expectations in parenting is to recognize that your child is not a reflection of you. Your job is to help them grow.

Now let’s talk for a minute about the man in the picture (if there is one). In chick flicks, the leading man always seems to be able to figure out what his woman needs, but in real life, that’s just not the case. 

We have to take responsibility for our expectations and communicate them. No more harboring resentment while your guy is oblivious to why you’re upset. Let him know what’s up! I’ve even helped my husband by giving him a script and telling him that I needed to hear him say he appreciated me. Helping your man find the words to say doesn’t take away the sincerity or meaning of it; instead it helps him adjust to meet your needs and strengthen the relationship.

By becoming aware of our expectations, we can choose whether we want to continue to pursue them. If any or all of these expectations sound familiar to you, ask yourself what is the cost of holding onto them so tightly. Are they making you feel not good enough? Stressed or unhappy? If so, make a conscious decision to let go of them and find a more fulfilling and less pressured life.

Why do so many of us have a hard time asking for help? Whether it’s a difficult work project or the stress of parenting, everyone gets overwhelmed at times, yet we still are often resistant to reaching out to others in the hopes that they’ll help lighten our load. Maybe we’re afraid of looking imperfect and that others will think less of us. Or perhaps we’re afraid of rejection; we don’t want to be turned down. Other times, we feel awkward about inconveniencing someone else with our problems. And so often it happens that we’d rather give help than receive it.
We try to keep up the façade that we have it all together all the time, but that’s such a huge lie!
Part of being a human being is having limitations. No one can do it all. No one. We all need someone. We would literally die without each other.
Everybody has a heavy burden to bear at some point or another, and one of the core purposes of relationships is to help support one another. I once worked with a client who was very hesitant to reach out for help when she needed it. Through therapy, we discovered that this was because growing up she had a weighty responsibility to care for others and believed it was her job to be the person who helps, not the person who needs help. Through understanding her own past, this woman came to understand that as an adult, she no longer needed to rescue the world; she could ask for assistance.
Another reason we shouldn’t be afraid to reach out for help is because complete independence is impossible. Culturally, we seem to tout independence as this great thing to aspire to, but it’s not realistic or even desirable to try to achieve. As human beings, we are wired to connect with other people. To go against this is to try to defy nature. The goal is healthy interdependence. There’s a negotiation of give and take in our relationships. We can’t be taking all the time, but trying to only give throws us off balance as well.
Asking for help (in moderation) demonstrates trust and helps build bonds of intimacy in friendships. Exposing your human limitations to someone shows that you’re willing to be vulnerable to them.
When we don’t ask for help and instead just attempt to do things on our own, we’re missing out on an opportunity to build connections with another person. And it can actually be quite a compliment to ask someone else for his or her help. Think about when you’ve given help before and someone graciously received it. We all want to feel validated in making a difference in someone else’s life, and it’s a gift to feel like we are needed. Why not share that gift sometimes and ask for a close friend’s help?
And finally, we need to get over being afraid of being turned down.
If you ask for someone’s help, the worst thing he or she can say is “no”! It doesn’t need to be awkward or uncomfortable. I challenge you to not take a “no” answer as a personal rejection. It simply means the other person has limitations (as we all do) and is unable to offer assistance to you at the moment. And that’s okay! No need to misinterpret a “no” as meaning that someone doesn’t like you or thinks you’re unworthy of love. It might sting a little to be told “no” when you ask for help, but try to shake it off and remember that it’s not a reflection on you.
What things in your life do you occasionally need help with? Who could you reach out to for it?
Asking for help can benefit you and the other person, so I encourage you to consider opportunities in your life to put this into practice.