Author: Dr. Julie Hanks

Mental illness has been a taboo topic for centuries, but fortunately, the tide is turning, and we as a society are coming to better understand it, acknowledge it as a real thing, and find solutions to help those who experience it.
Now more than ever, individuals with depression, anxiety, or a number of other similar conditions can manage their disease and lead a normal and fulfilling life. However, there still may be some confusion about how we personally can help alleviate the suffering of those close to us who are struggling. Here are some ways to support a loved one with mental illness.
One of the best things you can do is educate yourself. Learn from reputable sources what mental illness is and what some of the warning signs are.
There’s still a lot of confusion about it, because mental illness is not visible. Although someone’s behavior might appear odd or erratic, we don’t see a cast or other clear outward sign that something is wrong, so it’d be easy to dismiss or overlook it. Mental afflictions are manifested in emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. For example, one of the hallmark characteristics of bipolarity is mania, which can include out-of-control behavior such as binge drinking or making impulsive extravagant purchases.
The more you learn about different kinds of mental illness, the more you can take them seriously, and the more equipped you’ll be to express compassion and love. If someone close to you had a cancer diagnosis, you’d likely study up on it. Treat a mental illness diagnosis the same way.
If you notice that a friend or family member is exhibiting symptoms or seems to be acting in a way that suggests mental illness, be a true friend and have the courage to bring it up in conversation. Carefully encourage treatment, and help reassure him or her that it’s possible to live a normal life and find peace again. By getting a diagnosis, the individual can better manage the problem. It can be extremely disorienting and even terrifying to experience mental illness and not know why. A diagnosis can bring great reassurance that there’s a legitimate psychological reason that someone is feeling or acting different than his or her normal self.
Because mental illness is such a sensitive topic, people who suffer from it unfortunately often carry shame. So the concern arises about what kinds of questions are appropriate to ask. If you know that someone is struggling with a mental illness, should you inquire as to how he/she is feeling? Would this question be appreciated, or is it perhaps too personal for the other person to talk about?
Every person is different, and it’s okay to essentially feel things out as the dialogue progresses. If you want to show support and love but are at a loss for what words to use, consider saying something as simple as, “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know that I care about you.”
It’s important for you to have realistic expectations for your loved one. Mental illness isn’t managed or eliminated overnight, and there might be a long road ahead to recovery. Of course we should always hope for the best, but try to take setbacks in stride and not get discouraged. Also, remember that you are part of the individual’s support system, but you can still set emotional boundaries.
One woman I know had a young adult neighbor who didn’t always take her antidepressant medication. The woman would periodically go check on her neighbor, spend time with this troubled soul, and occasionally encourage her to be more faithful in taking her meds. However, it wasn’t solely her responsibility to be the caretaker.
She enlisted the help of others and was able to increase the support system of this young adult and ease some of the burden on herself. And just as the woman in this story was wise enough to know, it’s critical that you not burn yourself out trying to care for someone with mental illness. Periodically take breaks, practice self-care, and renew your own emotional energy. This will help you rejuvenate yourself and enable you to better care for your loved one.
There’s no single easy answer for helping someone with mental illness. There will likely be good days and bad days. There may be frustration, heartache, and indescribable pain, but there’s also a chance for renewal, hope, and finding peace again. If you are close to someone who is experiencing a mental illness, I encourage you to not avoid the problem but instead to lean into this challenge. Practice these strategies to best provide care and preserve your own emotional and physical well-being.

In almost any relationship, eventually someone is bound to do the other person wrong. Whether it’s forgetting an important date, failing to deliver on a promise, or insulting one another (intentionally or not), we all make mistakes that can inflict damage on our cherished connections. So what’s the best way to repair these relationship rifts? By expressing regret and sorrow about our words or actions. But simply saying “I’m sorry” may not be enough, and some overtures inadvertently go wrong when we are trying to reconcile in a relationship. Here are some steps to giving a powerful apology.

The first and perhaps most important thing to do is to own your part. Resist any temptation to dodge the problem or avoid responsibility.

Though it may not be pleasant, reflect on what specific thing you said or did that contributed to the relationship rupture or the other person’s pain. Try to put yourself in his or her shoes to understand another perspective or what harmful impact you may have caused. Sometimes in conflict we have the tendency to get defensive, but I challenge you to have the courage and humility to first identify your own shortcoming and then to own up to it.

One common mistake that is often made when offering apologies is focusing on ourselves. In an attempt to ease our own guilt, we make the apology about us.

For example, perhaps someone says something like, “I’m so sorry for what I did to you. I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess I just forgot. It’s one of my biggest weaknesses.” Although it’s helpful to think about our own personal habits in an effort to avoid making the same mistakes over and over, be sure that the bulk of the actual apology is about the other person and not about you. Save your explanations, your reasons, and even your own feelings for another time and place. Phrases like, “I didn’t mean to,” or “it was unintentional” can diminish or undermine the message that you’re trying to get across. It can be very difficult, but don’t flip the conversation around and make it into a justification or a way to excuse yourself. Keep the focus on the individual who you’re apologizing to.

Another way you can make your apology heartfelt is to show your empathy (and not just say it).

So much of our communication is nonverbal, and your body language can say a lot about how sincere you are. Although you may at times find yourself apologizing through an email or over the phone, I challenge you to seek out face-to-face opportunities to offer a personal apology whenever possible. This way, you can use your body, your gestures, and your eyes specifically to demonstrate that you really mean what you are saying.

And finally, your apology must go beyond what you say. If you’re truly regretful and want to make things right, back up your words with action.

An individual who finds herself saying sorry to the same person about the same thing over and over again probably should try a different approach. We are human beings and will make mistakes–even the same mistake more than once–but to be sincere, we have to at least try to make a permanent change in how we treat one another. This is just as important (if not more so) than the actual words you say. So when you really hurt another person, consider how you’ll course correct your behavior to avoid doing so again.

I’ve found these strategies to be helpful in any and all kinds of relationships. Whether it’s work, friendship, or family, use these tips to offer a powerful apology to make reconciliation with someone who you care about.

We all get angry. Whether it’s at the driver who cut us off in traffic or at the obnoxious person talking on a cell phone in a movie theater, all of us know what it’s like to feel irritated. Although some of us may be more prone to extreme anger than others, there’s not a person alive who hasn’t felt mad at someone or something. The irony is that while anger is a universal emotion, it almost always has a negative stigma associated with it.
Women in particular often feel shame when they experience anger, as they may feel that it makes them a bad person or signifies that they aren’t handling a situation properly. Just the word “anger” can bring to mind images of physical retaliation, violence, and abuse. However, there is a clear distinction between feeling angry and behaving aggressively. Of course hitting, punching, or harming someone is never appropriate (with the exception of self-defense), but when it comes to the emotion of anger, there are actually some practical benefits to it.
While aggression is damaging to relationships, the internal cue of anger can actually be empowering.
The main advantage of feeling angry is that you have a natural, physiological signal that something is wrong. Anger is just information in your body telling you that something needs to be attended to. It doesn’t need to be a moral issue at all. Anger can motivate you to take a stand or set a boundary if necessary. For example, if you’re being mistreated by a colleague at work, you likely will feel angry as a response. If channeled properly, this emotion can help you advocate for yourself and address the problem.
So since it’s not “bad” to feel anger, what’s the best way to express it? In a word: directly.
If someone in your life is making you upset, it can be beneficial to approach him or her and say, “I’m mad at you.” This may sound harsh, but it’s so much better to be forthcoming than beat around the bush. If you don’t address a problem directly, you’ll address it indirectly. When you feel that anger creeping up (and we all do at times), practice saying, “I’m mad,” “I’m angry,” or “I’m upset.” Communicating this assertion may be uncomfortable, but it actually shows that you value the other person enough to express what you’re truly feeling (instead of simply ignoring him or her).
There’s an important distinction to be made between being legitimately angry and just complaining. Although there’s no shortage of problems in our world to vent about, constant negativity brings everyone down, so I’m not suggesting you whine or grumble. But still, if someone that you’re close to has said or done something that makes you angry, I encourage you to not ignore that feeling but instead to use it to problem-solve. We may have been socially conditioned to suppress this emotion, but I’m of the firm belief that those who are unaware of their anger or try to conceal it actually end up creating more problems for themselves. Bottling up negative feelings is harmful to your relationships and your emotional well-being. By being honest and addressing a problem, you can maintain–and even strengthen–your connection with another person.
Please don’t get me wrong here. I am not saying that it’s good to frequently become (irrationally) angry at small things. Yes, people can overreact, and yes, there are certainly individuals who have a real problem with anger management. I am simply saying that when you get angry, take a closer look at the reason, and determine how you can best use this feeling to make a positive change.
It’s a really important emotion, so don’t ignore or bury it!
What are your experiences with anger? What underlying challenges or needs is your anger masking? How can you use this emotion to problem-solve in your relationships with others?

Our culture places a great deal of emphasis on the physical, specifically our bodies. How many weight loss, nutrition, or fitness magazines have you seen? I’m guessing it’s a lot. And while some of these sources can offer valuable insight, they can also make us resent and fault-find our own physiques.

Women in particular are so critical of their bodies. I’ve never met a woman who wasn’t at least a little insecure about her body. We may create faulty “if/then” statements, such as, “If I lose 10 pounds, then I’ll finally feel confident.” I validate the desire to be healthy and fit and to put one’s best self forward, but I also think there’s an even better way be at peace with ourselves unconditionally.

One thing we can practice doing is loving our body “breed.”

It may seem a bit odd to think of yourself as part of a breed, but consider that everyone has different genes, shapes, and structures. Some people have bigger frames or bones, while others are more petite. I’ve exercised regularly my entire life, but I’ve never gotten taller. It may be tempting to dream of a body that’s unattainable for us individually, but by accepting our breed and what we’ve been given, we can love our bodies a little bit more.

Another tip is to view your body as an instrument and not as an ornament.

There seems to be such an obsession with how we look–the mere appearance of our bodies, but there is so much more to it than that! Think about all the incredible things they do for us every day. Even the simple, everyday functions of walking, breathing, and eating are amazing if you stop and think about it. Your body is a miracle capable of providing you with life. We can go our whole lives without really appreciating what they can do for us. So the next time you find yourself regarding your body with a critical eye, stop to consider how good it is to you.

Unsurprisingly, the media can be a major threat to our body image. We are bombarded with images of beautiful, slim women who seem to have it all. But it’s so critical to realize that what we’re viewing is not reality. These individuals have spent hours in hair and makeup, likely work with a personal trainer, are under perfect lighting, and are almost certainly airbrushed (sometimes beyond recognition). You do not have to look like them to be beautiful. In my clinical practice, I’ve observed that even women who have extremely thin bodies are not always happy; those who struggle with eating disorders may have the physique of someone on a magazine cover, but they unfortunately usually loathe their own bodies.

Be wary of the media messages about the ideal body, and push back against them in your own mind.

Finally, I encourage you to focus on your health (instead of obsessing over pounds, inches, and what the scales tell you). Treat your body right by eating nutritious foods, exercising regularly, and getting enough sleep. All of those tried-and-true tips really can go a long way to help you feel good! If you do need to make changes to your body, make sure to do so in a moderate, realistic way, not by starving yourself or obsessing over exercise.

The kinder you are to your body, the kinder it will be to you.

Our bodies can be a serious source of distress, but fortunately they can also be a great source of strength. Continually remind yourself how lucky you are to have it, and how we are constantly exposed to a distorted perception of what the ideal should be, and then find ways to treat it right.

It’s never fun to hear criticism. Having another person give negative feedback can take its toll on our sense of peace or self-worth. It can damage relationships or leave us feeling insecure. However, criticism is an inevitable (and even necessary) part of life. Fortunately, there are strategies you can use to keep it from causing permanent harm to your peace of mind. Here are a few tips to handle criticism without falling apart.

First, consider the source.

Who has given you the feedback? If it’s a boss telling you that you need to step it up at work, then of course you’ll want to take the feedback and make certain changes. If a loved one or close friend gives you criticism, you’d do well to truly listen to what he or she has to say. However, if the person who has criticized you is someone you don’t know or particularly care about, try to brush off whatever harsh comments you’ve received. Not everyone’s feedback is valuable, so decide whose you’ll take to heart or whose you’ll choose to disregard. Also, some people are apt to criticize (almost) everything and everyone. If that is the case here, don’t take it personally. With time and experience, you can get better at not letting someone’s careless words get you down.

Another way to soften the blow of criticism is to decode the underlying emotional message that is being expressed.

Beneath the words, is there a need or frustration that the other person is concealing? For example, my friend recently received an angry email from her co-worker, “Lindsey,” who blasted her for leaving a project partially unfinished. Although my friend was somewhat in the wrong, the cruel words of the email she received far outweighed her “crime.” Fortunately, she was able to take the criticism in stride (though it did hurt) and see her co-worker’s underlying frustration. In my friend’s response, she stood up for herself, but also validated Lindsey’s concern. The two women were able to resolve the problem and move past it. When it comes to criticism you receive in your life, as difficult as it may be, try to decipher and validate what the other person is truly feeling. This can help put things in perspective.

When handling negative feedback, it’s vital to separate your worth from your performance.

We all have inherent value simply because we exist. Our worth is constant, but our performance (or behavior) may fluctuate from day to day. We all have peaks and valleys. When others give us feedback, they are usually criticizing our performance. Remember that someone’s words about your behavior bear no influence on your worth. Keeping this in mind will help you be more open to feedback that can help you improve your performance.

Finally, when it comes to accepting criticism, know that you are the judge.

You get the last say. You have the right and the privilege to figure out if there’s any truth to the criticism that you can learn from and apply, or whether it’s invalid and not something you need to worry about. By carefully evaluating someone’s words about how your performance may be deficient or imperfect, you can take the good and leave the bad. Ultimately, it’s up to you whether the feedback is important enough to truly consider.

I know from personal experience that criticism can really sting and cause us to doubt ourselves. Hopefully, these tips can help you recover from someone’s (harsh) feedback, take things in stride, and preserve your happiness and sense of self.

You know the drill. You see your neighbor at the grocery store. Inevitably she asks how you’re doing. Your response? Probably something along the lines of, “I’m fine, thanks. How are you?” She likely says the same thing in return. You may engage in a bit more small talk, then go on your way.

This kind of conversation happens so often that we may not even give it a second thought. Perhaps you really are doing okay, but what about those times when you’re not? What if you’re feeling down, or tired, or conflicted, or even depressed? What if you’re really struggling?

Saying you’re “fine” is a neutral description that’s neither positive or negative. And since we’re multi-dimensional individuals who experience a spectrum of human emotions, the truth is that you are probably not just “fine.” But society has seemed to condition so many of us to fake that we’re okay (even if we’re not), to endure hardship and not complain about it. This can take its toll, however, and I would encourage you to stop pretending and instead tell the truth about what you’re actually feeling. Here are some ideas to consider about why you should stop saying, “I’m fine.”

First off, assess your relationship with the other person. If he or she is a stranger or someone you only know as an acquaintance, it may not be appropriate to share your heart (at least not all of it). But if it’s someone you trust and know well, don’t be afraid to open up and express what’s really going on. Also, be mindful of your environment. Heavy conversations may not belong in a public space where others can hear, but are better suited for the privacy of a home or apartment.

Another aspect of moving beyond the rote saying “I’m fine” is to actually know what you’re feeling! It’s simple, really: You can’t properly tell someone else your emotions if you yourself don’t know what they are. I encourage you to regularly assess how you feel (I’m a therapist, and even I have to do this).

If you need help getting started, try to identify which of the following six basic emotions describe you in the present moment: happy, sad, mad, scared, surprised, disgusted. Once you’ve figured out which of these emotion(s) you’re experiencing, try to accept yourself without judgment. Too often, we shame ourselves for our feelings, but it’s okay to feel a certain way. Give yourself permission to embrace your inner truth.

One of the main barriers to sharing our true feelings with someone else is that we’re afraid to open ourselves up that much. Speaking your heart requires you to be brave and vulnerable, as there is risk involved. It requires you to be authentic and let down your walls. Being sincere and authentic is something we can practice and get better at over time. If you struggle with opening up with others, I challenge you to take a chance. Start small and let someone close to you know what’s really going on with you. You don’t have to overshare, but saying something like, “It’s been a rough week, and I’m having a hard time,” is honest, authentic, and shows that you are an imperfect human being just like the rest of us.

In addition to being truthful, another huge potential payoff of sharing your feelings is that it can lead to improved relationship connections. You can become emotionally closer to someone or may even gain help or support if you need it. So please be brave. Try deviating from the cliché phrase “I’m fine,” and express how you really feel.

In the world of psychology, mental health and relationship boundaries are a hot topic today. We often hear about how we need to set physical and emotional boundaries to preserve our relationships and our peace of mind. It could be with an overbearing mother-in-law, a houseguest who has overstayed his welcome, or anyone else in your life who is sapping your energy or leaving you feeling disrespected, ignored, or underappreciated.

Considering how broad the topic of boundaries is, it may be difficult to know how exactly to figure out what our boundaries are. In our interactions with others, what will we permit for ourselves, and when will we draw the line? Though situations may differ, there are a few key indicators to look for when setting boundaries:

The first thing to do is to tune in to your emotions (I’ve suggested to my clients that they consider emotions as energy in motion or cues to our internal experiences). Be honest with yourself about how you feel when you’re with certain people. Do you feel energized, motivated, and loved, or do you find yourself feeling avoidant, indifferent, or overly inconvenienced by individuals that you spend time with? If the latter sounds true to you, don’t ignore those pesky, nagging feelings, but instead use them as a signal to help you set boundaries.

I’ve often touted the benefits of what I call the gift of resentment. As much as I try to be forgiving, when I find myself harboring a grudge against someone or something, I consider the resentment I feel to be an amazing gift that lets me know I need to make a change. For example, a few years after I got started as a therapist, I began to resent my private practice. This led to me taking a good, hard look at some of my business policies, and I ended up making some significant changes that have benefitted my clients and my professional life.

Another source to look for in help setting boundaries is to become aware of what your body is telling you. What physical signs or symptoms do you experience that indicate you’re not emotionally comfortable or happy? Are you often exhausted, stressed, or perhaps even in pain? Do you get headaches when dealing with a particular person or problem? Our bodies are very good at sensing (literally!) when something is not right. Pay attention to what yours may be trying to tell you. If you’re often tired or physically not at ease you may need to set a (stronger) boundary or reinforce an existing one.

I know a young woman who was happy to assist a friend in her church group who often needed rides and help with other errands. Eventually, however, the favors started getting so cumbersome that she sometimes missed sleep or work hours to accommodate her friend. This young woman was exhausted and feeling resentful. She realized she needed to step back and set boundaries so that she didn’t deplete her emotional energy or become completely burned out.

Another important step in determining your boundaries is to examine your values and what you want for your life. What are your personal goals? How are the people in your life helping or hindering your goals? Asking this will help you determine what matters most to you, what things are a priority, and what things are not. As far as boundaries go, this may mean limiting the amount of time you spend with individuals who are downers or bring unnecessary criticism and cynicism to your life.

Finally, when we think of boundaries in relationships we often think of boundaries with others, but it’s also important to look at boundaries with yourself. If you struggle with negative self-talk and often belittle yourself, perhaps you have a goal to engender positive thoughts and energy. If you really want to go on a trip next year, work on setting boundaries related to your spending habits. If you’re a student and you want to get better grades, set boundaries around how much social time and study time you want each week.

Tuning into your emotional and physical signals and figuring out what you want and value in life can help you set appropriate and tailored boundaries, find fulfillment and peace in your relationships, and be wise about how you spend your time and energy.

Compliments can be a great way to express your admiration and appreciation for others. They can feel really good to give or receive, but other times they can feel slightly awkward to give or receive. How can you show someone you’re sincere? And how can you express the depth of your gratitude without minimizing your sentiments or without overwhelming the other person? Giving praise that is truly meaningful must go beyond the generic. Here are some ideas to praise what really matters and to deepen your connection with a loved one.

When it comes to complimenting others, I challenge you to look beyond the exterior.

There’s nothing wrong with telling your cousin you love her new haircut or complimenting your friend’s new car. However, I’ve found in my own life and those of many of my clients that the praise that sticks (in a good way) focuses on character traits and personal things. It’s easy to see the big accomplishments–like starting a business, finishing a college degree, or getting married–but it’s important to also look for things that aren’t as obvious, or the intangibles. This is only possible through a more intimate connection with someone and may also take a little more work to articulate, but ultimately these kinds of compliments can be incredibly powerful. Maybe your friend is a really good listener or your co-worker handled stress with grace. Don’t be afraid to bring attention to the internal things about someone that impress and inspire you.

Another idea for giving meaningful praise is to focus on effort.

This may go against what we commonly think. Some may be conditioned to believe that complimenting effort (versus accomplishment) is pity praise. It doesn’t have to be that way, though. Remember that effort is the one thing we can always control. We can’t always control the outcome, but we can choose how much we devote to achieving something. So by praising wholehearted effort (particularly with children), we are praising someone’s choices (and I can’t think of a better compliment than that!) This may be even more important than complimenting an individual’s qualities. For example, saying, “you’re so smart” may not be as effective as saying, “you really pushed and gave it your all in that project.” If noticing effort builds a child’s self-esteem, think what it could do for adults (since we’re really all just a bunch of big babies!)

Sometimes we think we need a big reason to celebrate someone in order to offer a sincere compliment. An award, a career accomplishment, or the purchase of a new home are all very visible achievements, but the reality is that the little things are what make up most of what we all do every day. Someone’s efforts or circumstances don’t have to be grandiose to draw attention to them. Just the small, everyday things can be valued. For example, telling a mother that she handled a grocery store toddler tantrum well could be very meaningful and appreciated by her.

By focusing on the simple, seemingly mundane things our compliments can go beyond flattery and actually be very touching to others.

I challenge you to find ways to express your love and admiration for your friends and family by giving sincere compliments on their small efforts and internal qualities. As human beings we have a core need to have our hearts and minds seen and validated. You can fulfill this need for another person by taking the time to recognize and express the positive qualities and efforts of someone you love.