Author: Gretchen Bossio

“No,” I replied firmly. Again.
My son, almost 4 years old at the time, stomped his foot, stuck out his tongue, and began to wail. His cries grew louder and louder, his thrashing bigger and bigger.
This time, thankfully, we were at home. The meltdowns in public traumatize me to the core as onlookers question my parenting and often shake their heads in disbelief at such a sweet little person’s intense volume.
I wish there had been a reason for his outburst, and while technically I had said no to a second cookie, his reaction far outweighed the situation. But that’s how it goes with temper tantrums. Or so I thought.
In actuality, responding to no more cookies was merely the surface of my son’s temper tantrum. Below that was so much more.

Don’t try to fix it, just listen and hear the child.

What propels a child into a tantrum might seem like a mystery, but Brendan Mahan, an educator and parent coach specializing in ADHD awareness and other childhood troubles, states, “Temper tantrums are developmentally appropriate responses to a child being overwhelmed … they’re about emotions, and specifically emotions that are stronger than the child can manage on their own.”
And that is what we as parents need to remember: Where we have learned over the years to manage our emotions, our young children are still mastering those skills. That’s why almost anything and everything can set them off.
Think of the things that shift your emotions into overdrive: when you’re sad, overwhelmed, or frustrated; when you lose control over a situation; when you feel hungry; or perhaps you simply have an off day. It’s the same with children. Our role as parents is to provide a safe place and de-escalate our children’s emotions when they reach extreme levels.

When on the receiving end of a tantrum, it’s easy to feel embarrassed or judged. I know I do. But every parent has been there…or will be. Elisabeth Stitt, certified co-active coach and founder of Joyful Parenting Coaching, claims that parents with easy-going children might experience fewer tantrums, but no parent can avoid them completely. So remember, approach your child with love and understanding when a temper tantrum strikes. Then, utilize the tools below to diffuse the situation and collaborate with your child to effectively deal with the next tantrum—it will inevitably happen.

Find the source.

“Once the tantrum starts, it is best not to get angry. Let them know that you understand how they feel, [say] ‘I see you are feeling frustrated.’” Kathy Walsh Rothschild, the creator of parenting/child resource Peace Place for Kids, shares. “Don’t try to fix it, just listen and hear the child. Encourage them to express feelings, and it will help get to the underlying cause.”

Elena Mikalsen, PhD, a clinical psychologist with expertise in parenting, lists an array of potential reasons for a child’s temper tantrum: hunger, exhaustion, frustration, worry, sadness, sensory overload, illness, pain, feeling ignored, and lacking attention (just to get the ball rolling). After a temper tantrum ends, immediately think back, and see if you can match a source with your child’s outburst.

Looking back, there is no doubt that many of my son’s tantrums were linked to two triggers—hunger and routine modification.
Almost all of his tantrums happened leading up to a meal. Or if he had missed out on a protein-rich breakfast, I could almost guarantee a crash midmorning. I also noticed that on weekends when his grandparents visited, and there was extra excitement, modified naps, and more people to engage with, a tantrum might ensue. Not knowing what to expect and having his routine thrown off was no doubt a way to welcome a tantrum.

If temper tantrums are peaking with your child, consider keeping a diary to truly watch and catalog their individual triggers. Then, you can work to avoid those triggers—or at least prepare yourself for an upheaval.

Increase communication and touch.

It’s never too early to talk to your children, no matter how young they are. During the tantrum, you won’t be able to reason with them.
“When things are calm, talk over the reasons they had it,” Mahan says. “Maybe something was bothering them that you didn’t know about. Getting that information can help avoid future outbursts.”

Each of my children have spoken later in their toddler years, but with each of them, I have learned that they understand some things far before they can articulate their feelings. By talking to them, I give them words and validation when things feel out of control. Most recently, at the close of my toddler’s tantrum over having to turn off Paw Patrol, I simply asked, “Do you need a hug to feel better?” And he nodded.

Stitt encourages parents to keep a physical connection during a tantrum if the child will accept. “A hand or a hug or a lap,” she says. “If he won’t, just sit as close as he will allow.”

Stay away from certain situations.

“Avoid highly stimulating environments: places that are loud, brightly lit, full of flashing screens, etc.” Mahan says. “Basically, don’t take your kid to Buffalo Wild Wings.” Think triggers.

You know your child, and you can document when tantrums occur. Then you’ll likely know when they might happen again. If certain places, people, or situations tip them off, avoid them…for everyone’s sakes.

Don’t try to stop it.

Deborah, a mom of four, has researched tantrums in order to aid her own family in more effectively managing them. “I’ve come to realize that [stopping a tantrum] is like forcing my kids to stop laughing,” she shares. And who can do that?
Rather, allow the tantrum to run its course and in the midst, stay calm. Easier said than done, I know.

“Because our calm helps a child calm down,” Stitt says, “it is important to stay present with a child.” Our self-regulation acts as a type of osmosis for a child mid-tantrum, and, although it might not seem like it’s helping, by breathing deep and centering ourselves, we model what we eventually expect from our child.

Don’t say no.

Imagine this: a world of all yeses! Sounds lovely, doesn’t it? Mikalsen encourages parents to say yes as often as possible, or at least choose phrases that aren’t situated around the word “no.” Her ideas include: “Let me think about this,” “I would love to let you have _____ right after…,” and “I can see you really want to _____; next time we definitely can.”

My own mom recently encouraged me to do this, too. “Be a yes mom,” she says. No is such a harsh, definitive word that choosing to say yes, or a yes alternative, avoids unnecessary battles.

Give them a tool box.

Liisa, a mom of two, subscribes to the tool box theory: “For each kid, we have a tool box. I have been learning that I need more help from others, and I have to acquire different tools for each kid.” What are those tools? Well, there’s quite a few. Begin with these and tailor them to your child’s age and personality:

• Deep breathing: You start and ask them to follow.
• Meditation: This is something to practice before a tantrum. Then you can be the voice of reason that quietly asks them to close their eyes and focus on their happy place when a tantrum begins to overtake.
• Sleep well: Establish routines that help avoid tantrums in the first place. “Lack of sleep leads directly to emotional dysregulation,” Mahan says. So no skipping naps or staying up past bedtime regularly!
• Find a dark, quiet place: Leaving a situation that triggers tantrums is often enough to stop the escalation.
• Allow hitting within reason: When emotions overload, sometimes a child needs a physical release. For younger children, give them a pillow to pound. For older ones, offer a punching bag.
• Eat a snack: Hunger does crazy things to a child’s system. Mikalsen encourages parents to always keep a snack on hand to curb a tantrum.

As your child’s personality develops and their vocabulary grows, converse with them outside of their tantrums about their feelings, and ask them what they feel might help. Together, you can add to the tool box over time, and reach for options when it’s needed.

An ineffective way for parents to deal with temper tantrums is to have one themselves.

Most of all, I learned from fellow moms and experts, who hear from many parents about their child’s tantrums, that effectively dealing with tantrums is more about dealing with myself than my child.
Children will throw tantrums no matter what. As Mahan shared, it’s developmentally appropriate for children to cycle through a season of tantrums. Nothing is wrong. In fact, everything is right! They’re experiencing emotions, and we’re merely tasked with coaching them through those feelings.

“An ineffective way for parents to deal with temper tantrums is to have one themselves,” Mahan implores parents. “Getting angry with and/or yelling at your kid over their temper tantrum only models bad behavior and establishes an unhealthy pattern.” So, as embarrassing and overwhelming as your child’s tantrum can be, keep yourself centered.

Finally, Stitt gives parents a bit of hope when they feel lost in the tunnel of tantrums: “Reminding yourself that tantrums peak around 4 years old and then taper off might help you stay calm until the storm has passed!” Hold strong, moms and dads, temper tantrums won’t be around forever! Then again, don’t hold your breath for your child’s fifth birthday, since every child is different.

Born in 1986, I am a true millennial. And if you came earthside between 1982 and 2004, you are too. We’re a large group: In 2016, we passed that of the Baby Boomers as the largest living generation.
Currently, most millennials are in their twenties and thirties, which means we’re in our typical childbearing years. In fact, about 80 percent of new mothers are millennials. And those millennial parents have a nicknamed subgroup of their own—parennials!
Times have changed since the previous generation entered their parenting years. These days, we have answers at our fingertips. We can track sleep schedules via apps on our phone, and we often turn to social media for emotional support. I know: I’ve done it all over the last eight years.
As a parennial, technology is so much of my everyday: something my own mother never had. When she was in my shoes, she called her mother most days for advice, researched things in books, and logged her children’s milestones in a darling baby book. But just 30 years after her experience, things are very different.

Now, my phone and all the resources and relationships it holds have become my lifeline as a parent. It stands in for communication, research, and documenting. For example, when I was in early labor with my son, I timed my contractions through an app and was able to show my midwife the report when she arrived. I’m active on social media, where I chronicle my children’s art projects, funny sayings, and both big and small milestones.
I use my phone to chart each of my children’s growths and remember what feels like countless appointments and obligations. I use it to keep all my notes, send emails, and even entertain my children with educational apps and movies. Without this technology, I’m not sure my mommy brain could keep up.
My own mother survived parenting without a smart phone. I’ve just never known any different. Sometimes though, I wonder if my kids and I would be better off with a less tech-y life, like my mom’s. Technology aside, parennials are raising their children different than generations before, because we’re living in a new era that requires us to make new accommodations.

Let’s talk about Dr. Google.

Have you ever succumbed to the pitfall of Googling late at night? Perhaps your child has a high fever or an odd rash. Maybe you’re up late wondering if they know enough words for their age or if you’ve introduced the right food at the right time.

Millennials, having been raised in the age of technology, tend towards being used to immediate gratification.

Author Bruce Feiler, who coined the term parennial, wrote an article for the New York Times where he claimed that this generation is full of “high-information parents.”
I couldn’t agree more. Information is everywhere for us around the clock. We don’t have to wait for a doctor to return our call. We don’t have to traipse to the library, and use the Dewey Decimal System to track down the right resource. There is no wondering or waiting.

Donna Volipitta, a doctor of education who studies neurology, psychology, and education in relation to parenting, comments on the speed parennials have become accustomed to: “I believe that the difference in parenting [between generations], though exemplified by the change in information source, is more based on time frame.”
“Millennials, having been raised in the age of technology, tend towards being used to immediate gratification. They want immediate solutions. If they don’t know an answer, they google it,” she explains. “If they need to get somewhere, they Uber. If they need food, they Grubhub. If they want a picture, they Snap it.” And, although we’re living in the age of fast answers, parenting itself is a slow and steady journey.

We get the answer right away, even if that answer isn’t always correct or the best.

The immediate, never-ending knowledge base that technology brings ushers in other things, too. Like anxiety. And worry. And misconceptions. Because, after all, Dr. Google doesn’t always properly diagnose, and the internet doesn’t always offer accurate advice.
“Many parents, especially new parents, reach out for information because they are in a panic, moment of frustration, or just overall curious about something,” Maria Sanders, a licensed social worker and parent coach, says. “We get the answer right away, even if that answer isn’t always correct or the best.”
Fast information is a Catch-22 for sure, because, on the flip side, the internet is also full of mountains of research, parenting insight, and truth that can lead moms and dads to become better parents.

“I turn many times to the internet, reading parenting blogs for information and advice,” Carey, a millennial mom of four, shares. “I feel like parenting in this age of information is both a blessing and a curse, and it is sometimes challenging to remain in the present moment with my kids.”

When Social Media Comes Into Play

Like Carey said, quick access to information brings about a slew of challenges. And it’s not just Google. It’s the draw of social media. Posting, tweeting, pinning, and sharing photos gives us immediate access to friends, family, strangers…and all of their opinions, too. Talk about overwhelming!
Then again, having people who care so quick at hand is a blessing too. “My go-to place for parenting advice is a group [online],” Samantha, a millennial mom of one, says. “They are a science-based group and are always on top of new studies and information. They have become almost like sisters to me.”
Strangers have become like family, all because of technology. Now, that’s something only a parennial can claim as part of their parenting experience.

The Virtual Tribe

It is in these social media groups that community thrives. Through them, the village that raises the child is born.

“There are groups for parents of toddlers, children with special needs, babywearing groups, nursing mama groups, as well as just general parenting groups,” Sanders says. “We don’t live in small villages, so parenting groups create a village mentality … we’ve all been there, so let’s lean on each other for advice and ideas!”
So many of my dearest relationships thrive because of technology. The women I converse with offer daily offer support and camaraderie in my parenting journey. Motherhood would be isolating and scary without them.

At the click of a button, I can vent, pose a concern, and quickly receive responses. In turn, I can respond to the other parents who are doing the same. Together, we’re juggling parenting in a new age, and it’s comforting to know we are not going at it alone.

What Parennials Are Missing

Past generations may have done things differently, but sometimes I wonder if they did it better. Slower? More intentionally? Like Carey, I fear I’m not always as present as I could be with my children. Having endless information available to my every thought, from emails pinging in to “friends” tagging me—it’s enough to make a mother go batty or grow addicted.

I suspect that’s why we often hear about millennials taking a break from social media. They want to return to the ways of their parents and grandparents and just do life—without the need to search, respond, or post every detail.
“We miss out on real human connection and a full dialogue,” Sanders says.
Computers and phones can never replace real life advice and support. That’s something previous generations know, and something many perennials are seeking.

“If I go to the internet, I can read a blurb about how to deal with my colicky baby, and then I can click onto something else,” Sanders says. “If my mom or aunt comes over, she can physically show me how to bathe the baby or cook that healthy meal for my toddler. We don’t get all that from Google!”
When millennials eliminate their exposure to older mentors they, and by consequence, their children, miss out.

Is balance possible?

Sanders believes balance is most definitely possible.

At some point, all of us need support.

“Sometimes, it’s nice to have the anonymity of an online group or be able to crowdsource the answer to our question,” she shares. “But we have to balance that with real human connection, whether that is with a call to the doctor or the hug from a friend or family member.”

“At some point, all of us need support. Having the courage to identify the need and ask for that support, [for] the sake of our children, is what can make a great parent.”
And that’s the beauty of parenting now. We have the best of both worlds: online support and real life resources.
Information overload can easily exhaust a new parent, though. So perhaps it’s time to create some boundaries. Rather than endlessly surfing for answers, find a circle of reliable sources and stop there; close the laptop, and set down the phone. With the space that provides, turn to parents and grandparents for their tips and tricks when a problem arises. Tried-and-true advice, plus a hug, sounds much better than 4,000 website links with possible help, doesn’t it?

In the end, trust your gut, know who you can rely on (whether online or off), and commit to being your child’s best parent. Regardless of your generation, no one can mother or father your child as well as you can.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was the quintessential first-time parent. At the turn of my third trimester, I outlined my list of to-dos, and “interview pediatricians” was near the top. I believed, and still do, that a family’s pediatrician is part of their parenting team, part of their village. They need to be there for us in good and bad, sickness and health; finding a provider you trust and understand is crucial.
In the weeks leading up to my daughter’s birth, I met with three pediatricians, and I asked questions. I listened. I waited for a connection. And then I chose.

Your child’s care is my priority, and that’s all that really matters.

For the first few years of my daughter’s life, my husband and I partnered with a pediatrician, a parent himself, in the Pacific Northwest. He was well-researched, didn’t stoke my first-time parent worries, and he even saw us through our first emergency room visit. To him, I’m forever thankful. He ushered me into motherhood and helped me find confidence in myself while offering me the support I needed to properly oversee my daughter’s health.
As a parent, how do you find that partnership? Do you need to interview multiple pediatricians like I did? Maybe. But now, as a mother of four, I actually think the most important thing is learning how to help your chosen pediatrician help your child.

There are a few things we as parents can do to get on the same page as our care provider. In the sections that follow, a number of pediatricians and experts from the pediatric field will chime in with tips that will allow them to better aid each of us in caring for our littlest loved ones.

Stop doing your own research online.

We employ pediatricians for a reason: they’re experts! In fact, they go to school for at least 11 years. So, when you’re tempted to consult Google, know that you’re most likely fueling your worry with misleading information, and it’s not even close to the help 11 years’ worth of education can provide.

“As doctors … we strongly advise not looking up symptoms or situations online, as many of those sources aren’t reputable, and you will never truly know the depth of any health situation without proper medical processes,” says Constantine George, MD, a Las Vegas-based pediatrician.
Becky Johnson, a pediatric medical assistant, echoes George’s concern: “Sometimes it is very frustrating because [parents] will come in loaded with their Dr. Google information… [They are] so certain that they’re correct [that] they end up not wanting to listen to the doctor tell them otherwise, and a lot of the time they want a lot of unnecessary tests done on their child.”

I’ll confess, I’ve been that parent who typed my concerns into Google before calling my pediatrician’s office for an appointment. I think part of me doesn’t want to bother them if it’s not a big deal. Then, thanks to Google, I don’t sleep all night because my child either has a viral rash…or cancer.
Mohan Rayala, MD, a Massachusetts-based pediatrician, doesn’t want parents to ever feel like they’re a bother: “Come in and get your child checked out and ensure your peace of mind. Your physician is on your side and wants to work for what is best for you and your children.”
I, of all people, need to remember that.

Bring a list of questions to each appointment.

Multiple pediatricians I spoke to stressed the importance of preparing a list of questions you hope to discuss at your appointment.

Nerissa Bauer, MD, a pediatrician in Indianapolis, takes it a step further and encourages parents to prioritize that list: “By honing in on what’s most important, you and the doctor can tackle your biggest concerns first and make the most of the scheduled appointment time.”

In addition to questions, a detailed timeline or diary of issues provides data which doctors can use to more quickly diagnose, saving you time and money while getting your child back on track. Prepare for doctor’s appointments as if they were a work meeting where you’ll be collaborating with an expert for maximum results.

Don’t be afraid to get personal.

Growing up, I always admired how much effort my pediatrician took in getting to know me and my sisters. She not only knew our health history, but she recalled our dog’s name, knew where we had recently traveled, and always had insight into our hobbies.

The medical field might not be like the old school home-visit days, but pediatricians still love getting to know their patients. After all, a good relationship between patient and provider results in better care, reported the Harvard Business Review.

Know that doctors have no idea what anything costs.

Well, they have an awareness, but it definitely isn’t their primary concern. That’s why each office has staff committed to billing and liaisons willing to help parents get the care their children need—regardless of cost.

“Medication [expenses] are very difficult, thanks to insurance companies. The covered and preferred medication lists change on a regular basis. One month, something is covered; the next, it isn’t,” Johnson, our trusty pediatric medical assistant, says. “We encourage our patients to let us know if there is a problem, so that we can try something different. Sometimes when I have to verbally call in a medication, I’ll ask if it is covered by they’re insurance and how much it costs before finalizing it.”

In the end, parents are responsible for understanding their insurance policy and out-of-pocket expenses.

Trust your nurse.

They might not be able to give the final diagnosis, but nurses and other support staff see a lot, and thus, know a lot.

“I feel it is a trust system between doctor and nurse/assistant,” says Johnson. “We know our limits of knowledge. And our doctors trust that we will run things by them if we’re unsure and need clarification on something.”

They can help with more than coughs and colds.

“Up to 50 percent of the questions and concerns parents bring up are behavioral,” Bauer says. She provides three very distinct ways parents and providers can partner to make strides in resolving those issues:

1. “Ask for help outside of the clinic! I frequently makes phone calls to patients’ schools (with parent permission) or even do school observations to discuss behavioral issues and help craft action plans. And sometimes, the behavior issue isn’t a problem at school: I help parents make changes at home in those cases.”
2. “Don’t be afraid to tell the doctor what you really want to get from the appointment. You will get better advice. If a child isn’t sleeping well, the doctor’s first instinct might be to work on improving the bedtime routine. But if the family’s priority is reducing overall stress (caused by crabbiness and lack of sleep), that’s an important distinction that I can work on right away.”
3. “Adult anxiety and depression, and even postpartum depression, can impact kids’ behavior. Part of each appointment is spent asking parents how they are doing. If mom or dad is not coping well, I wants to know that. Many times, kids’ behavior issues are resolved by getting the parent the help they need.”

They want you to practice good health habits, too.

Zeshan Qureshi, a London-based pediatrician, reveals his biggest pet peeve when it comes to parents: “Smoking.”
“I completely understand that it’s extremely difficult to give up smoking,” he says, “but I don’t think parents are fully aware of its consequences. Right from the beginning, it increases the risk of stillbirth and miscarriage. Carrying on, it increases [the chance] of a newborn baby [passing away]. Most commonly, I see it in the context of chest infections and asthma. Parents tell me they smoke outside, but the smoke is still on their clothes.”

“They then say they change their clothes, but its still on their body,” says Qureshi. “They then say they shower, but it’s still in their lungs, and you can’t wash your lungs. I know it’s difficult, but the best thing you can do for your child’s health, as a mother or a father, is give up smoking—right from the moment you are trying to have a baby.”

A doctor’s office is really busy.

“Mondays and Fridays are always the worst,” says Johnson, “The ‘post-weekend and ‘Oh-no-the-weekend-is-coming’ crowds.”

Actual numbers fluctuate anywhere from 15 appointments to 30, she says, with the cold weather season being the worst due to increased breathing complications. That’s why it’s so important to arrive on time for appointments and have your list of questions and concerns ready when you have the doctor’s attention.

If we don’t get along, it’s okay to part ways.

Not every doctor–patient duo is going to mesh, so if you have found your family at a practice that isn’t working for some reason, it’s okay to end the relationship and move on.

I learned this during my pediatrician interviewing days. The doctor I ended up deciding to see long term closed our initial Q+A with a sentiment along these lines: “If you choose me, I’ll be happy to have you, but if we aren’t a good fit now, or anytime in the future, don’t worry! Your child’s care is my priority, and that’s all that really matters.”

… we are beginning to celebrate, rather than fear, the kaleidoscope of ways to be a human being.

Each one of my children is so, super special. Call me a sappy mom, but I think they’re unique and awesome, funny and the best of the best. Words can’t really describe how fantastic I think they are—each and every one of them are priceless, perfect, worth recognizing. In my book, they’re number one.
But my book isn’t the history books. As special as my children are, they aren’t the first of their kind in any particular category. They’re just normal kids with a normal mom.

Some kids out there, though…they’re both special to their parents and the world. They were the first of their kind, and they made history! Their stories are interesting, their parents are brave, and today, we’ll explore their stories and learn more about the significance of their “firsts.”
In these stories, we’ll dive into many situations where there is both scientific and cultural significance. These “firsts” pushed boundaries and thus, in the beginning, were met with plenty of opposition. But parenting in the 21st century is changing; it is breaking boundaries and constantly evolving.
Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio, a licensed family therapist and social worker, author, and corporate health and wellness leader with 30 years’ experience, shares a bit about modern developments in parenting: “Parenting is coming of age. It says that we are beginning to celebrate, rather than fear, the kaleidoscope of ways to be a human being.”

“It’s also cause for celebration that today we have so many ways to bring a new person into the world and so many ways to parent,” he continues. “Children are sacred regardless of how they originate, and the rules that govern who is a parent and how parenting is done should specify only this: that parents will love, protect, and nurture their child along that child’s unique path toward fulfilling their potential.”

Not a Boy, Not a Girl

When it comes to their biological sex, this baby IS either a male or female, but that isn’t the matter at hand.

… until they have the sense of self and command of vocabulary to tell me who they are, I’m recognizing them as a baby …

Searyl Atli, a British Columbia-born baby, received a health card with no gender—after plenty of resistance. They’re the first baby to claim a genderless identification.

Why? Well, this baby’s birth parent, Kori Doty, a non-binary transgender person, believes the government does not have the right to assign gender to a newborn. So, Searyl’s health card has a “U” where we would normally see an “M” for male or “F” for female. The “U” either stands for “unassigned” or “undetermined.”
“Gender, a fundamental aspect of personality style, has always been a spectrum and not an either/or,” says Dolan-Del Vecchio. “When it comes to this important aspect of identity, children deserve to follow their hearts, minds, and spirits.”

Doty is letting the child claim whatever gender they are called to be, they said.
Doty told CBC, “I’m raising Searyl in such a way that until they have the sense of self and command of vocabulary to tell me who they are, I’m recognizing them as a baby and trying to give them all the love and support to be the most whole person that they can be outside of the restrictions that come with the boy box and the girl box.”

Three Parents…and They’re all Biological

Abrahim Hassan has not two, but three biological parents. He’s the first baby to be born with the DNA of three contributing adults. How, you ask? Well, it’s definitely not simple.
Abrahim’s parents, Ibtisam Shaban and Mahmoud Hassan, had lost their two previous children to Leigh syndrome, “a fatal disorder that affects the developing nervous system,” according to a New Scientist report. Undeterred and seeking a safe option to have children, the couple opted to undergo a form of pronuclear transfer, or the “three-parent technique.”

Normal pronuclear transfer is the process of fertilizing the mother’s egg and a donor egg with the father’s reproductive cells…hence the DNA of three parents. “Before the fertilised eggs start dividing into early-stage embryos,” wrote Jessica Hamzelou in New Scientist, “each nucleus is removed. The nucleus from the donor’s fertilised egg is discarded and replaced by that from the mother’s fertilised egg.”

As Muslims, though, it was the couple’s request to have no embryos destroyed. Thus, the doctors developed a process called spindle nuclear transfer. In this new process, a team of U.S. doctors “removed the nucleus from one of the mother’s eggs and inserted it into a donor egg that had had its own nucleus removed. The resulting egg – with nuclear DNA from the mother and mitochondrial DNA from a donor – was then fertilised with the father’s sperm.”
Why would a couple go to such lengths to birth a child?

Terri Chi-Lee, a midwifery student and birth assistant has connected with many parents through her work, and she believes that “[Parents] intuitively feel a missing piece to the puzzle, and sometimes [a biological child] is the only thing that will complete their family. We are humans, and there is a raw instinctual piece to procreation and family. The desire to continue the family line is strong.” And thankfully so, because now sweet, little Abrahim is part of the world due to both his parents’ persistence and his doctors’ genius.

The Dad who Gave Birth

In his book, Labor of Love, Thomas Beatie chronicles his journey to birthing the first baby born to a fully legal man. Known as the world’s first pregnant man, both he and his daughter, Susan, claim significant firsts.
Beatie, who was assigned female at birth, was born in Hawaii in 1974. At the age of 10, Thomas started to identify as a boy, and in 2002 he underwent gender confirmation surgery. He opted to retain his female organs and, after marrying his wife, Nancy, chose to pursue artificial insemination. Beatie’s first pregnancy was ectopic, and he unfortunately lost the children, but he went on to birth three healthy children. Susan was the first, followed by Austin and Jensen.

How might these children be faring as the first babies born to a man?
They have yet to be publicly interviewed, but Dolan-Del Vecchio says that “[these “firsts” may be facing] the worry and fear and, in too many communities … the hatred of some people. But, kept safe and assured of their value by loving parents and the other adults who care for and guide them, they will undoubtedly pave the way for those who come after them. And their inclusion within our communities will help us all appreciate even more fully the wondrous complexity of human beings.”

The First of Many

In early 1979, at Oldham and District General Hospital in Manchester, England, Louise Joy Brown was born and made history alongside her parents, Lesley and John Brown. Why? Well, she was the first baby born to be conceived through in vitro fertilization (IVF).

The Browns’ IVF team, gynecologist Patrick Steptoe and scientist Robert Edwards, had been researching for a decade before finally achieving the milestone—one that would go on to impact thousands of families in coming years. Of all the babies who were the first of their kind, little Louise (who is now grown and a mother herself) paved the way for many children to follow in her miraculous footsteps.

“As an IVF parent myself,” says Margaret R., “I extend immense thanks to the brilliant men and women who pioneered the science that allows so many families to become whole. They not only help conceive babies, they conceive love, hope, and a future.”

Making (and Breaking) Traditions

To honor paternal lines, Mexican last names are traditionally made up of the father’s surname followed by the mother’s paternal surname. But this was not the case with the child of José González de Diego and Alicia Vera Zboralska.
These parents are naming pioneers in Latin America because they bucked tradition and, for the first time in Mexican history, chose to name their daughter, Bárbara de Diego Zboralska, in honor of the maternal line, according to NBC. Had tradition been followed, she would have been named Bárbara González Vera.

This name alteration might not seem extra special, but in Mexico, it was huge. In fact, it took a court injunction to make it legal. In a world where men have been recognized and remembered for centuries, it’s neat to see women being honored for a change.

What firsts do you think are around the corner?

I’ve been wondering about this as of late. With Mars colonization projects in the works, I’d wager that in the coming decades (maybe centuries), we’ll see a baby born in space. And sooner rather than later, I’d assume, a baby will be born outside of a mother’s body—in an artificial womb. It has already been done with sheep.
With the examples shared above, the sky is the limit!

I’ve done a lot of hard things in my life, but none as hard as being a mom.

Here’s the thing: When I was younger, I assumed that by the time I had children, I’d have a handle on myself. I assumed I’d have developed good habits, like exercising on a set schedule. Or that I’d be responsible and hang up my clothes at the end of each day. Or that I’d be able to control my emotions and not lose my temper or let little things rattle me into tears.

But, surprise, surprise—I have accomplished none of that. And now, on top of trying to mature and grow into a better person, I’m nurturing my children, teaching them to do all of what I say and only some of what I do. See? Parenting is hard. The road is rough, but thankfully, not impossible.

Early on, I decided that the best mode of action as a mom was to be transparent with my children. Age-appropriately transparent, of course, but transparent nonetheless. That means that when I’m struggling, I share with my kids what I’m dealing with, why I want to overcome it, and the steps I’m planning to take.

This is especially true when I identify a toxic mindset that is poisoning my parenting, and thus, poisoning my children. Sometimes it takes me awhile, but eventually I find 30 seconds of peace and quiet to hone in on what’s causing our family strife.

Sound familiar? Have you identified things throughout in your parenting that you want to change? Mindsets that are an issue? Here are a few common mindsets that plague moms and dads these days accompanied by insight from Emily McMason, a parenting coach at Evolving Parents.

Playing the Comparison Game

Have you ever found yourself thinking “I wish I had it all together like them”? Or “I’d be a better parent if…”? Or “If I just lived there, or “If I just had more money…”? Maybe your comparison was focused more on your kids, with thoughts like “If only my child behaved more like that.”

Social media is a shame factory.

Realistically, we’d be foolish to say we’ve never played the comparison game—I know I have, and I know for sure that it’s a mindset that can easily ruin the parenting experience. Comparing makes everything about everyone else, and effective parenting isn’t about other people. Effective parenting hinges on the relationship between just two people—you and your child. It isn’t influenced by what others are doing, because no one is like you and your child. Each relationship is all its own.

I asked my mom if she played the comparison game when she was raising me and my sisters in the 80s and 90s. She said yes, that it was part of human nature to compare. But she did bring up an interesting point in how comparing has evolved from her parenting experience to mine—social media. The prevalence of seeing what others do on a daily basis makes comparing almost unavoidable.

“Social media is a shame factory,” says McMason. “Its job, while it seems to be about sharing, is actually about shaming. It says ‘this is the perfection you should aspire to’, and when we don’t, we feel shame.”

“There is nothing more toxic than shame for us,” she continues, “because we are creatures that need community. And shame tells us we don’t belong. That we aren’t enough. So it is important … for ourselves and for our children, that we consume media very carefully. Very consciously. That we use it to fully see others, not to judge them or judge ourselves.”

Projecting Perfection

Laura, a mom of two, shared a bit of her personal journey in overcoming perfection.

Parenting isn’t algebra.

“I struggled greatly with my body’s inability to produce enough breast milk for [my son]. I thought that since I’d homebirthed and cloth diapered and done everything ‘right,’ I was a huge failure for just not being able to nurse,” she says. “Once I realized how unhealthy my body was and how to care for [polycystic ovary syndrome] and depression, things got better. But I carried that guilt with me for a long time.”

Laura experienced the age-old mindset of “I thought if I did X, Y would automatically happen.” And that’s just not the case—for any of us. There is no guaranteed output; we cannot project perfection.

McMason applied this faulty theory to how we parent our children, too.

“Parenting isn’t algebra. There is no equation that says: if I do X, add Y affection, divide by Z discipline, my child will equal perfec
tion. Because in the mix of all that is our little one, who has their own personality, their own quirks, their own wishes,” she says. “They add to the equation factors we can’t predict or control. And while that can feel really frustrating, it is the beauty of it, too, because it means they can take a really hard moment and spin it in to joy.”

So although the math never adds up, we can rest in the fact that our little miracles are bound to do far better than we can imagine in most cases. It just might not look how we imagined in our projection of perfection. They’re perfectly imperfect, and that’s something to hold on to.

Believing That Parenting is Your Everything

Parenting is all-consuming. In the early days, we’re always awake tending to our babies’ every need. Later on, it turns into juggling school and extracurriculars (on top of a bevy of emotions). If you want your children to be your number one focus 24/7, it would be easy to do so. But should parenting be our everything—our only thing?

No, no, it shouldn’t, because you’re a person, too! Believing that parenting is your everything is a mindset that will eventually drive you crazy—or make you really, really tired.

Kids read our temperature—and act accordingly.

Kymberlee, a mom of three, says that the idea of “me time” being selfish for a mother to take nearly ruined her parenting.

“I didn’t need it with my first, or want it, but I needed it more and more with subsequent children,” she says. “I think if I had realized it was normal and necessary to take breaks, I could have avoided postpartum depression being as extreme as it was. I realized quickly [that] breaks make me a better mom.”

Recognize that “me time” will benefit your children. A well-cared-for parent almost always creates a well-cared-for family. When you invest in yourself, you can more easily invest in others.

Fighting No-Win Battles

Have you ever found yourself “fighting” with your kids? How did that end?

Not well, I assume. And that’s because functioning with a mindset of “I’m the parent, I’m going to win” is truly a no-win battle.

“When there is friction between a parent and a child, we are often thinking ‘Are you kidding me?’ or ‘We’re doing this again?’ or ‘You need to follow my directions. NOW,’” says McMason. “And when we are thinking these things, our perspective is that we want to win the situation.”

Making a shift in this mindset, though, can alter our parenting in enormous ways, according to McMason.

“If we can move our mental feet, and instead of standing toe-to-toe against our child, we can be shoulder-to-shoulder … it changes everything. We can say things like ‘Oh, sweetie. You are so sad.’ Or ‘I can understand your frustration.’ Or ‘It’s disappointing. Transitions can be tough.’ We don’t have to agree with their emotions, [but] we need to empathize with them,” McMason says.

“When we do that,” she continues, “they feel seen, heard, and valued. We aren’t caving or capitulating or giving in, we’re simply acknowledging their truth. And when we do that, they are far more ready to move forward the way we hope they will. It means that we are more connected to them after the conflict than before, and that is parenting magic.”

Just one of these four mindsets could be affecting your parenting, or maybe more than one has crept in and caused havoc in your heart and mind.

You’re not alone. We all get caught in the trap sooner or later. Poisonous mindsets are a given; It’s the will to overcome them that will define you and your parenting.

These solutions aren’t one-size-fits-all, but they’re a starting point. Starting is the beginning of a new, healthier parenting experience, and that means both you and your children will benefit.

First, you must recognize that your family is unique. There is no perfect mold; There is no right way. Believe that you know your children best, have their best intentions at heart, and, with the right support, can guide them to become their best selves.

Next, focus inward instead of outward. So much of parenting is about the adult. From her years of coaching and parenting herself, McMason has seen that “kids read our temperature—and act accordingly.” Practice managing your temperature, and you might be happily surprised at the outcome.

Finally, invest in counseling or coaching for yourself and you
r kids, even when you don’t feel that you need it. Personal reflection and an expert who can speak wisdom into your life is priceless. You don’t have to be broken to receive enhancements. Because truly, who doesn’t need more tools in their parenting toolbox? Partnering with a trusted resource will always be a valuable investment.

I have been known to try and vacuum messes right off the kids. They don’t appreciate it, but oh well.

When I was six years old, my parents built a house. My dad was a design engineer with a penchant for architecture, and between my mom’s dreams and his skills, they designed the whole thing from scratch. It was perfect for our family, and my two sisters and I especially loved it—mostly because there was a giant loft playroom.

We spent many of our younger days up there, and even though it was carpeted, my mom let us get creative with Play-Doh on occasion. While I don’t recall any mishaps, I do vividly remember a large dried patch of neon orange Play-Doh crusted into the carpet right near the stairs—the mishaps must have happened.

Childhood messes are often like that—an eternal memory, marked into our cars or homes or clothing for the rest time. I’ve experienced it myself with my own children—in our case, it was permanent marker meets Daddy’s desk.

My daughter is not a troublesome child. I was surprised and a little horrified, then, when I found her wildly scribbling all over her Daddy’s desk one day. Her dad had been letting her climb onto his lap and use highlighters to draw pictures, so I can only assume that she thought the Sharpie was up for grabs, too.

When it comes to cleaning up, a marker is a much different beast than a highlighter. Good news is, we found a way to clean it up—that desk is as good as new! Not a mark in sight!

Have you run into kid messes like Play-Doh in the carpet or Sharpie where it doesn’t belong? Are you ready to hear some cleaning hacks that really work?

I know a few that I’m excited to pass on, and a handful of wise moms are spilling their best hacks, too. Thank goodness we have a way to collaborate, learn, and clean up the unavoidable kid messes! It takes a village!

Get Play-Doh out of Your Carpet

Laura, a mom of four, has a hack that’s seems counterintuitive when it comes to a Play-Doh mess. She said that if Play-Doh makes its way into the carpet, “get the Play-Doh wet again. Then, it comes out easily.”

Opt for hot water and let it sit for a while. Then take a fresh piece of Play-Doh from the tub and use a small ball of that to press onto the mess. It adheres to the wet Play-Dog and grabs it out of the carpet.

If the Play-Doh stained the carpet, Leah, a mom of two, recommended making an OxyClean paste (a big scoop of OxyClean and a few tablespoons of water) and letting it sit overnight.

“Just make sure the kids and pets stay away while the paste soaks in. You don’t want to add a call to poison control on top of cleaning Play-Doh,” she says.

Remove Permanent Marker From Hard Surfaces

Before attempting to remove Sharpie, it’s important know what kind of surface you’re dealing with: some methods can strip paint or remove the finish. In our case, we had a dark wood melamine desk, and a quick scrub with acetone did the trick.

Leila, a mom of two, got a bit more creative.

“I’ve used aerosol hairspray on a doll to get Sharpie off, and also the kitchen counter,” she says. “Just spray it on and let it soak for a minute before wiping with a damp cloth. I also used Mentadent toothpaste to get Sharpie off of my coffee table! It didn’t damage the finish or anything!”

Even though I’ve had luck with acetone, I much prefer to less abrasive option of hairspray and toothpaste. A middle school janitor also recommended the product Graffiti Off for Sharpie stains.

Clean up Glitter

Naomi, a mom of one, says that a lint roller works magic when it comes to glitter spills. Perhaps the biggest tip when it comes to glitter, though, is what happens before the mess.

When starting a glitter project, make sure the crafting happens on a flat surface—a cookie sheet, a large piece of newspaper, or at least a table without grooves. That way, if a spill happens, you can more easily scoop the glitter up.

De-Sand the Car

The beach trip is always a blast. The clean up, not so much. Sand, sand, everywhere!

Evie, mom of three, said that, “Sand cleans up with baby powder.” Just sprinkle baby powder, let it sit for a minute or two, and then vacuum it all up!

Make Poo Stains Disappear

Multiple moms who use cloth diapers swear by the power of the sun when it comes to poo stains. And they would know—they deal with the stuff a

If you have a pesky poo stain that just won’t come out in the wash, wait for the next sunny day, wet the item, and allow it to sit in the sunlight until the stain is gone.

Lorna, a mom of one, also shared that “a bar of Lava soap [works greats] for underwear stains … It’s an old fashioned thing my Grandma taught me! Lava soap has finely ground pumice stone mixed in, and it really works! Although, it can wear out the fabric depending on how often the item needs scrubbing.”

Soak Away the Blood Stains

Two words: hydrogen peroxide.

“I gave birth to a 9 pound baby … in the bed of a rental. Hydrogen peroxide got rid of all the evidence,” she says. “Cleaning deposit fully refunded.”

I, too, have had amazing results with hydrogen peroxide when it comes to blood stains. Place the stained item in a plugged sink and pour 25 to 50 percent of a bottle of hydrogen peroxide onto the stain. Let it sit, and then wash like normal in your next load of laundry. Cross my heart, the blood will disappear!

Save Clothing From Berry Stains

The key to dealing with stains is often prevention. Jeanette, a mom of one, says her son “wears a nylon, long-sleeved art smock instead of a bib during meal time. It keeps laundry stains to a minimum.”

My own mom was a big fan of saying “shirts off!” when she served something extra messy or potentially stain-inducing. Berries, spaghetti sauce, juicy watermelon, cherries, you name it, “shirts off!” Sometimes, it was easier for her to plan a post-meal bath rather than to with difficult stains.

If you do get a berry stain, consider following one of Kitchn’s berry stain removal method: boil water in a tea kettle, turn the stained garment inside out and pull it taut over a large bowl, and affix it to the bowl with a rubber band. Place that bowl in the sink, hold the tea kettle as high as possible, and “flush the stain with a constant stream of boiling water.”

Get Dry Erase Markers Off Of Clothes

Erika, a mom of three, says dry erase markers have become popular at her kid’s school. Those markers, when paired with laminated practice sheets make for a great learning opportunity. What they’re not great for is kids who don’t always keep their markers on the intended surface.

“Murphy’s oil soap worked like a champ, with very little effort, and ended up saving lots of clothes,” Erika says. “Especially my daughter’s tutus!”

Remove Fruit Snacks From The Carpet

Tasha, a mom of two, has had the lovely task of getting stuck fruit snacks out of her carpet.

“I used a super hot rag and placed it on the fruit snack for a minute. It came right out,” she says.

Simple enough. Thanks, Tara.

Solve the After Dinner Rice Mess

Did you serve rice to the toddler for dinner and not think of the messy implications? Well, Traci, mom of three, has a quick fix for you.

“If you have rice on the floor after dinner, sprinkle some cornmeal over it,” she says. “Wait 30 seconds and then it sweeps up nicely.”

The cornmeal binds to the sticky rice, making clean up similar to how you would sweep up dry cereal from the floor. Man, feeding toddlers is quite the exercise in housekeeping!

For Everything Else

Sarah, a mom of two, offered some wise advice in regards to cleaning up after kids.

“I am no stain pro, but I do hang a bottle of Shout next to every hamper. So, before clothes go in, they get sprayed for spots. It has helped prevent many of tougher stains later,” she says.

“Also,” she continues, “I am a lover of my vacuum. I bought a cheaper, lightweight vacuum with a hose. I literally suck everything up: Glitter, play dough, rice, crackers…I have been known to try and vacuum messes right off the kids. They don’t appreciate it, but oh well.”

The little kid years (and sometimes the big kid years, too) are full of messes.

But don’t let it get you down. For every mess, there’s a tried and true cleaning hack floating around the mommy-verse.

Are you dealing with a particularly tragic mess? Do you have a secret cleaning hack? Don’t keep your wildest messes or best fixes to yourself—we want to know!