Author: Gretchen Bossio

When my first child was born, my entire world revolved around her.
She was my everything—the first thing I thought of in the morning, my all-consuming thought while I was away at work, and the person I rushed home to each evening. My weekends were filled with her (and her daddy, of course), and life was so much sweeter because she existed.

Then my husband and I found out that soon she would no longer be our only. She was being promoted to big sister! A new baby, our second child, was on the way, and things were going to change.
And change they did, even before little brother officially arrived.
Throughout my pregnancy, my daughter and I learned that someone new was calling the shots. We had a little partner in crime already demanding attention and love and adoration.

My morning sickness took a toll on us both, and then the eagerness of preparing for a new baby filled our time. Together we began imagining and planning for what life would be like as a family of four. And when my son made his debut early one summer day, everything changed…again.
We were no longer a family of three. We had an extra person to love and care for. We made space—in our home and hearts. We adjusted to a new personality. We welcomed the change, but it was a change that took grace and patience.

A second child is very different from the first. They enter a family that already has a rhythm. They aren’t the first, the full focus, but they do hold a special place and purpose within the family structure. The time and attention due to them is shared, and they learn quickly to roll with the punches…or demand that the punches roll in their favor.
Since having a second child, I—along with many other parents in the same boat—have learned so much. What we thought we knew, what we thought we could bank on without a doubt, has been altered.
Life threw us for a loop with the arrival of a second blessing, and once our heads stopped spinning we were able to embrace the chaos that a second little one brings. I’ve yet to hear someone say it’s simple (it’s definitely not!), but everyone agrees that it’s worth it.

That new little person in your family? They’re a gem. A unique soul who fills the family with charm and delight. It takes time to learn who they are and what they need and how they fit in, but it all comes together eventually.
It’s reassuring to hear what other families have learned since having a second child. It means I’m not alone, and it means you’re not alone either. We’re in this parenting gig together!
Here’s a peek at things a handful of other moms and I have learned since having a second child…

1. It has a lot to do with math.

More kids means you’re technically outnumbered. But don’t be too scared. More kids also means your love multiplies. Total win!
Megan S. agrees. She tells HealthyWay: “Despite your fears, you can definitely love your second as much as you love your first. The fear is REAL. But after that sweet second baby is in your life, the fear is gone.”

I remember all too well having this fear during my second pregnancy. Life feels normal with one child. Your love is full and real, and the idea of fitting in another little human is overwhelming. But just like the miracle of pregnancy, when that second child is born, a new miracle happens—birth of new love for that new little one.
Unfortunately, while your love multiplies, your time divides. You learn to cope with it, but it’s a practice in patience for everyone. And patience is a worthwhile lesson for moms, dads, kid No. 1, and kid No. 2, too.

2. Life is easier.

Jasmine H. knows the key to making life with two children easier: “rest and ask for help.” Amen to that! Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to do it all. Take life in strides. Be there for your kids’ immediate needs. Let things go. Have fun. Life can actually become easier with two kids. It’s all about perspective.

With my first I chased after the next milestones so feverishly, but with my second … I’m far more interested in enjoying the present, because I know how quickly it will become the past.

I love what Alissa H. has to say about life becoming easier with the addition of a second little one. In regard to having a second child she jokes, “Why didn’t I think of this sooner? Get a ‘professional’ to play Legos, dolls, army, trucks, hide and seek…while mom gets to read a book! #Playmate.”
Isn’t that the truth! My first two children, although not always best friends, are genuine playmates. All day every day they have each other, and as soon as one isn’t around, the other misses their buddy.

Often, a second child isn’t physically easier, but because of our ever-growing and changing perspective as parents, it becomes emotionally easier.
Taren D. shares her experience with HealthyWay: “[With the second I] trust myself more as a parent, and I enjoy each phase of baby and toddlerhood for what it is. With my first I chased after the next milestones so feverishly, but with my second (and now third) I’m far more interested in enjoying the present, because I know how quickly it will become the past.”

3. Life is harder.

Honestly, for me at least, the ease of life with two is balanced with the hard stuff. It comes and goes, day by day, hour by hour.
Traci V. understands my plight, especially when it comes to juggling a baby and a toddler. She recalls, “One was a breeze (even though it didn’t feel like it at the time…seriously, you can take ONE kid ANYWHERE!)”
I have vivid memories of one of my first grocery store outings when my son was about a week old. I put my daughter in the front of the cart and my son in his car seat in the basket.
Suddenly there was no room for groceries! I got the bare essentials and texted my husband that he would need to buy some of the larger, bulk items or watch the kids while I ran out later that evening.

4. You officially know nothing.

The second child is never like the first. You’re starting all over again! It’s frightening. And kind of fun, I suppose. This new baby is a brand new person, unlike the first in 100+ ways. You get to know them, learn from them, and be a whole new parent to them. Get ready for a wild ride!
In reference to the wildness of two, Jennifer B. says that “the transition from one to two is SERIOUSLY underestimated! Having my first was relatively easy, adding in a second rocked our little family’s world. Also, you realize how precious each developmental stage is, how fast that infant stage really does go. I always say to new parents not to rush their baby. That first one, you can’t wait for them to do something new, with the second you don’t want them to do anything!!!”

This is 100 percent true. I remember aching for my daughter to learn to crawl. And it was eight long months before she did. Then, with my son, I wanted nothing more than for him to stay stationary. Rolling and sitting was just fine, I could contain him that way, but I knew once he really started moving I was in trouble. (Of course, he learned to crawl at just six months, and things haven’t slowed down since.)

5. Self-care goes out the window.

Think you didn’t get alone time before? Now it’s practically nonexistent. I remember when my daughter was little, my husband and I would take turns running errands with her so the other could have some “me” time. Now, as Lynette V. says, “It’s zone defense!”

The good news is, the lack of self-care and freedom is a short-lived season. You fall into a rhythm and learn to adjust. By the time my second’s first birthday arrived, I remember deeply sighing and realizing that we had made it.
Life felt somewhat normal, and I got ready (hair, makeup, real clothes) more often than not. It was no longer overwhelming for my husband to take on both kids, and not only were we enjoying family time more thoroughly, we were tagging one another for much needed alone time too.

6. Spacing can be magical.

Deborah W. thinks two kids are absolutely great because “siblings make the best friends!” And it’s true. Think back to your own childhood. Wasn’t it wonderful having someone around to play, banter, and adventure with?

He protects her, teaches her, and loves her

And really, no matter the spacing between your first and second child, it can be pure magic. These two moms know it all too well…just from opposite sides of the spectrum.
Charise F. reminisces, “Having my first and second less than a year apart was mega hard in the beginning, but now I couldn’t imagine it any other way. They’re perfect for each other and the very best of friends.”

On the flip side, Leah W. says, “My son was 5 when his sister was born. Although they won’t grow up liking the same toys and such, I’ve never witnessed a more loved or cherished baby. He protects her, teaches her, and loves her with a vengeance! It’s beautiful to witness.”

7. Practice doesn’t make perfect.

Just because you’ve successfully parented one child so far, that doesn’t mean your efforts will pay off with round two. I mean, they might. But I spent most of my son’s first year apologizing to my daughter and my husband. It was just a lot to juggle and I always felt like I was letting someone down.

Sibling love is so precious and watching your oldest teach something … to your youngest is priceless!

Birth order plays into this quite a bit, in my opinion. Second-born children just have different personalities. It’s not something we can anticipate or adapt to before it comes to fruition, and often it’s just better to go with the flow.
Lyndsy M. channels our favorite Disney girl, Queen Elsa, saying, “Let it go. Adding a second kid really allows for a focusing in on what’s most important and all the other stuff can slip away. When they both get a little older and communicate with each other it is then that you see the real impact of your parenting! Sibling love is so precious, and watching your oldest teach something (whether [it’s] how to build a faster race track or how in our family we do things ‘this way’) to your youngest is priceless!”

8. It just might give you baby fever.

Last, but not least…think two kids is enough?

Just wait until your baby isn’t such a baby anymore, and No. 3 might pop up on your radar! That’s what eventually happened in our family. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Birth and parenting expert Peggy O’Mara once wrote, “The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.” Her words have become part of my personal parenting mantra, the cornerstone of my parenting goals. Emphasis on “goals.”

I try my very best to speak to my children with respect and kindness. But far too often, I fail. My book of excuses is a mile long, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve both knowingly and unknowingly shamed my children in the course of our conversations.

Sometimes these choices are not what you had in mind or their independence slows your routine and it it is just easier to do things and make the decisions for them.

When I know I’ve resorted to shaming, I can easily address the issue at hand and ask for forgiveness. We can resolve the hardship or misunderstanding and move on. But what about the times when I don’t identify the shame factor? When what I say or do isn’t as apparent but still has a negative effect on my child?

This happens most often with my middle child, my son who is a brand new 5-year-old. He and I clash. Frequently. Not because we wake up in the morning intent on fussing, but because our personalities seem to rub each other the wrong way more often than not.

But I’m the adult. I’m the parent, responsible for nurturing, facilitating, and growing a positive relationship no matter how much work it takes. Minute by minute, hour by hour, I have countless opportunities to lead by example and eliminate shame from our interactions. It’s good for him and for me. Through self-reflection and study on effective parenting I can see where I’ve let episodes of shame creep in and where it still quietly lies in hidden places. Resorting to shame is easy; quelling it takes diligence and practice.

To give a practical example, here’s a dose of real life. Lately my son and I have been struggling with his food choices. I shouldn’t be surprised—I myself was a very picky eater as a child. At one point I recall telling my mom that I was a “fruitarian” because I preferred to eat only fruit…and maybe graham crackers and a few choice desserts on the side.

So I get him. It’s hard to try new things. It’s even harder when the new things that are healthy and good aren’t a favorite texture or flavor. But balanced meals and nutrition ARE important. And that’s our crux, the point where we argue. Where he puts his foot down and where I pull shame off the shelf and lather it on thick. “Don’t you want to grow big and strong?” I’ll ask. “Don’t you want to make good choices like your sister?!?”

He does, but he doesn’t even more. We fuss and try to compromise, and by the time breakfast is over, I’m weary. Maybe I should let it go, but maybe I can’t. It’s just as much a me issue as it is a him issue. For me, it’s all about comparison. When lunch boxes are judged for their beauty and balance and all the cool moms are raving about their super organic veggie-infused energy “dessert” bites that their kids won’t stop begging for, I’m coaxing my 5-year-old to try a bite of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Truly.

All that is to say: shame. It’s a beast in the closet of my parenting tools. A tactic that is hard to avoid but one that, once identified and broached head-on, pales in comparison to my other options and clearly doesn’t align with the mom I want to be.

If you’re curious about what other examples of shame look like, here are a few scenarios where shame can unknowingly find its way into your parent–child relationship, according to Anastasia Moloney, an early childhood development specialist and an expert at The Tot—and perhaps even more important, how you can say no to shaming opportunities.

1. Not Letting a Child Do Things For Themselves

Moloney says, “Children hit a stage where they want to be independent in their daily skills or decision making. Sometimes these choices are not what you had in mind or their independence slows your routine and it is just easier to do things and make the decisions for them.”

He [or] she needs to learn through experience and build confidence in independence.

Moloney shares a scenario all parents can easily imagine: “You are trying to get everyone ready and out the door, your child wants to put on their clothes themselves but puts it on backward or in your opinion takes too long so you take over and hurry them.”

You jump in, chiding their slowness, fixing their mistakes, and generally making them feel less than through your actions, words, and tone. That’s shaming.

But it can be fixed! Moloney says, “No matter how time consuming it may seem, letting your child try to dress him- [or] herself, play their own way, or make age-appropriate choices for themselves is beneficial. He [or] she needs to learn through experience and build confidence in independence.”

2. Judging Your Child’s Choice

“T
his can be as simple as a critical statement in response to an action, such as ‘What were you thinking?’ or ‘I can’t believe you just did that,'” says Moloney.

Instead, she encourages parents to “acknowledge [the child’s] choice and offer to share with them why it may not be a good idea. If possible let them learn from experience and then talk about why that might not be the right choice after.”

3. Telling Them Not to Cry

Avoid this phrase at all costs! “Instead of telling them not to cry,” Moloney says, “try getting on their level, then relate to them and acknowledge what they are feeling.”

Think about consequences being very relevant. If I throw blocks, I need to take a short break from blocks and can come back when I am calm.

In truth, isn’t that what we all want when our tears are ready to burst?

4. Setting Expectations Too High

Expectations are wonderful. Often, they’ll help little ones rise to the occasion, learn new skills, and eventually become proficient adults.

This does not mean that you cannot discipline or enforce rules, just make sure you do so appropriately.

Still, Moloney reminds parents: “Set your expectations at an age-appropriate level. Your 2- and 3-year-old has trouble with limits and sharing. Give them age-appropriate behavior expectations. Think about consequences being very relevant. If I throw blocks, I need to take a short break from blocks and can come back when I am calm.”

5. Time Out or Public Discipline

Appropriate discipline will always be a controversial discussion among parents, but Moloney says that “If your child is misbehaving with other kids around, you shame your child when you yell across the playground to tell them to stop or point out what they are doing. Instead of sending your child to time out or disciplining him [or ] her in front of everyone, take your child aside and talk to them about the situation or the rules.

“This also will give your child a break from the situation, allow him [or] her to calm down, and then you can address the issue in a learning setting. This does not mean that you cannot discipline or enforce rules, just make sure you do so appropriately.”

I force myself to pause and imagine what I want to say and the feelings I want to communicate before I apply any type of discipline. I’m not perfect, but that initial pause gives me the time I need to reflect and avoid unknowingly (or knowingly) shaming my child.

6. Using a Harsh Tone or Laughing at Your Child

Moloney hit the nail on the head when she said that “We want our children to improve and learn from their situations. You can be firm but respectful with our children.”

…instead of ignoring their statement or telling them you do not understand, try to figure out the context or repeat what you do understand.

Repeat with me now: TONE IS EVERYTHING.

7. Telling Them They are Not a Big Boy or Girl

“This often occurs with potty training,” says Moloney, “and with habits you think they ‘should have’ outgrown such as thumb sucking, sleeping in their own bed, etc. These are all big milestones for your child and we need to be supportive.”

Moloney says, “Encouragement with new milestones, even when we feel frustrated or your child experiences regressions [is key]. This can also be when not understanding your child when they are first learning to communicate, instead of ignoring their statement or telling them you do not understand, try to figure out the context or repeat what you do understand. This can encourage them to continue to communicate effectively.”

Another reason we should all kick shaming to the curb? Science says a gentler approach is good for our kids…and good for parents too!

The gentle parenting community is brimming with advice, hands-on tips, and resources to reform how parents approach discipline and cultivate an atmosphere of respect for our children.

Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist with expertise in parenting, has written extensively about what she calls Aha! Moments. On her website she defines an Aha! Moment as “a lightning flash of insight, when suddenly we see things from another perspective, and everything has the potential to be different.”

That’s exactly the case when a parent identifies shame in their interactions with their child. They recognize what has been a behind-the-scenes player in their parenting techniques and can commit to breaking the cycle of shaming their child.

When all is said and done, Moloney encourages parents to “take many deep breaths to make sure you handle the moment in a positive way and create a teaching moment where you can help your child grow.”

That doesn’t come easily, but with practice, it’s something we can all improve on.

Parenting is a balance of creating boundaries (in my case, setting a precedent of making healthy food choices) and opportunities for independence (allowing my son to have a reasonable amount of control by letting him choose if he wants a PB&J, grilled cheese, or turkey sandwich, for example).

Once parents identify their shaming triggers, we have to make it a
goal to eliminate them. The result will be a happier, healthier family experience where trust abounds.

You’ll breathe a sigh of relief at the calm and personal achievement you’ve reached, and although your child might not recognize the efforts you’ve gone to in reducing episodes of shaming, they’ll definitely feel the effects and be better off because of it.

Think your child might be at the top of their class? Has it always seemed that way?
Many parents can identify the signs of “extra smarts” from an early age. Whether it’s increased vocabulary or a propensity for math facts, being smarter than average can map an interesting road for both parents and their children.
Lorraine Allen, a mom who knew her daughter was a whiz kid early on, says she “memorized and began repeating things she overheard, like my cell number, my husband’s number, her grandparents addresses and other long things—even my social security number, which I said out loud once, when I was on the phone—before age 2.” Talk about a picture-perfect memory!
An Ohio mom shares that she knew her son was exceptionally smart when she and his preschool teacher sat down to introduce the basic concept of addition. She recalls that he “looked at the cushion he was sitting on (which had three rows of three buttons each) and said ‘three and three make nine,’ bypassing our agenda entirely.” Who needs addition when you can skip straight to your times tables?

When it comes to intellectually gifted children, it’s common that they begin showing signs very early on. But that isn’t the only factor. Erika Trautman, a mom who senses her son falls into the gifted category and who also holds an MS in psychology, says, “I’m skeptical about trying to target smart-kid traits since no two kid[s act] the same.”
She goes to say, “In my opinion, much of how they act is tied into birth order or [is] family dynamic related too.”
No doubt children are complex. So much factors in to their development and their ability to achieve beyond what is considered “normal.” For example, one child might be a little genius when it comes to spatial awareness (a future engineer perhaps?) but struggle with decisions in social settings—consistently making unwise choices when outside the scope of a parent’s watchful eye. Another might have a huge vocabulary (a budding academic maybe?) but will fall behind their peers in fine motor skills and struggle to tie their shoes.
A teacher from Washington state shared that she once had a student who memorized country flags with such intensity and speed that he garnered a clip on primetime television! He was undeniably a genius: a child who from a very early age had grasped concepts far beyond his peers’ comprehension, and it took all his teachers’ and parents’ energy to keep up with him.

But does memorizing facts and achieving near-perfect scores in the academic world add up to real evidence of “extra smarts”?
Smart doesn’t necessarily mean successful, and science tells us that parental influence is much more of a determining factor than anything else. Trautman referenced three decades worth of study recapped in Scientific American that found focusing on kids’ processes rather than their intelligence or even ability is the key to encouraging their success in school and beyond.

Still, there are some children who really stand out. To embrace that natural skill and encourage their learning processes, it’s important to catch the signs early to help them hone and develop who they will become in the most supportive environment possible.
Science tells us that your child might be smarter than average if…

1. Books are more than their best friends.

Children who are smarter than average not only learn to read early. Once they learn to read, they turn reading into learning, which can create a cycle of never-ending knowledge acquisition.

The Parenting article “How to Raise Gifted Children” emphasizes the importance of access to books in fostering early intellectual engagement. Books increase vocabulary and comprehension and having them around encourages children to realize that ideas are something worth talking about!

2. They thrive during free play opportunities.

Alone time doesn’t bother smart kids. Their mind keeps them busy enough! Trautman has seen this firsthand with her son, especially when it comes to Legos. She says other gifted children may engage in different types of imaginative pursuits like “playing store and creating menus.”

Free play is an opportunity for exploring, taking things apart, and being creative. Her takeaway: A bright mind will always fill an empty space with something new and exciting.

3. The magic may be in the mess.

What do Albert Einstein, Mark Twain, and Mark Zuckerberg all have in common? Messy desks. And for children, that equates to a disorganized play area or bedroom. Einstein said, “If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, then what are we to think of an empty desk?”
Courage Mudzongo, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Warner Pacific College, highlighted a dissertation by Marge Hoctor titled Identifying Young Gifted Children, calling it a “treasure trove” for parents embarking on the smarts journey with their child.

In her work, Hoctor cites creativity as a key component of giftedness. We adults know that creativity is often born in the mess, so allowing it invites children to problem solve, invent, and produce original ideas. Although it’s a great skill to be able to organize a space, for smart kids, being too rigid about keeping tidy might also be a hindrance to their advancement.

4. Their mind is like a camera.

Take Allen’s daughter, for example. Hearing something once or twice then realizing it’s logged away for recall at a moment’s notice definitely means her memorization skills are above and beyond “normal.”

Her mother believes she has what some would call a photographic memory, which is often touted as a sign of a child with above average intelligence.

5. They might be wallflowers.

Smart kids aren’t always the social ones. Kathleen K., a teacher with 25 years of experience, tells HealthyWay, “Many gifted children I have had the blessing of teaching are quiet, observant little ones. They watch, assess, and almost map the future to determine if a particular task or activity is worth their investment.”

Often the extra smart kids stand back, watch, and observe before choosing how they want to interact. It’s their way of identifying if they can be a true player in whatever is going on. For many driven children, failure isn’t an option, so if the particular task at hand seems too daunting, they’ll opt out. Granted, Trautman believes that this all-in or all-out mentality is much more tied to birth order than smarts. “A firstborn,” she says, “is usually the social one and first one to jump in to any project.”

6. Bedtime is a battle.

When you’re bright, it’s hard to quiet your mind. So smarter-than-average individuals often struggle with sleep. Well, traditional sleep at least. They’re frequently night owls and prefer keep their own hours in regard to when they wake and sleep.

A study done by Satoshi Kanazawa at the London School of Economics and Political Science concluded that “more intelligent children are more likely to grow up to be nocturnal adults who go to bed late and wake up late on both weekdays and weekends.”

7. They aren’t good at everything.

Smart kids know their strengths and stick with them. They pinpoint a hobby (like the child who fell in love with country flags) and may go deep into their learning instead of wide.

This also means that children who are smarter than average won’t necessarily excel at school. That might not be what they’re focusing on. It sounds contradictory, but if you delve into their minds, there will be a lot more going on than turning in assignments on time, practicing neat handwriting, and interacting with peers.

8. Their parents are well educated.

It’s the age-old tale of leading by example. A parent who pursued higher education is more likely to have a child who does the same. And a well-educated parent is more likely to see and understand the importance of introducing their child to various learning opportunities at a young age when retention is strong.
A parent who creates a home focused on learning is more likely to nurture a child who has vast interests—and thus smarts. A 2015 Business Insider article cites a “2009 longitudinal study of 856 people in semirural New York” that concluded that the “parents’ educational level when the child was 8 years old significantly predicted educational and occupational success for the child 40 years later.”

If most or maybe even all of these telltale signs of super smarts are reminiscent of everyday life with your kiddo, science says you just might have a little genius on your hands! But these days, priority is being placed on more than just students’ and individuals’ IQs alone.
We know now more than ever that academic smarts aren’t everything. Today, emotional intelligence ranks just as important if not more so than IQ, and that’s something parents have much more control over.

A 2012 study titled “EQ vs. IQ Which Is Most Important in the Success or Failure of a Student?” states, “Unlike logical-mathematical intelligence, which suffers insignificant modifications once the end of adolescence, emotional intelligence can be developed over time, free of age limit, with the condition that it is provided the necessary attention and effort to it.”
Hence, it winds up being a blend of intellectual intelligence and emotional intelligence that will lead a child to true success throughout life.

If you believe your child is smarter than average, Mudzongo suggests you explore more detailed steps in guiding their success by reading David Palmer’s Parents’ Guide to IQ Testing and Gifted Education: All You Need to Know to Make the Right Decisions for Your Child. He also wants you to “feel empowered” as a parent as you prepare “to support your child to ‘be smarter’” in all aspects of life.

Once upon a time, I said I would never bribe my children.
After all, bribing was for fools; for the moms who didn’t know how to truly manage their children.
Then I become a mother of four. And now I know that the woman who formerly shunned bribing was the one being foolish. Now, I’m all about the strategic bribe.
Do I feel guilty about my bribing tactics? Yes, on occasion. Am I going to stop? Most definitely not.

Bribing in some regards teaches children to choose what they are willing to work for.

For starters, the traditional definition of bribe according to my dictionary is “to persuade [someone] to act in one’s favor, typically illegally or dishonestly, by a gift of money or other inducement.”
Well that isn’t exactly what I’m doing. I’m not bribing my kids in an illegal or dishonest way. My methods are much more tame. They involve an exchange of sorts. I’ll say something like, “When your dinner plate is clean, you may choose a little sweet from the treat box.” In that instance, I’m persuading my child to act in my favor—getting them to eat their healthy dinner—by offering a “gift” that they find favorable: dessert. No harm, no foul.
Now, some parents have resorted to the money avenue, like American Ninja Warrior Morgan “Moose” Wright who pays his kids to exercise. Not only is this father of two leading by example when it comes to physical fitness, he is motivating his kids with a potentially hefty allowance in exchange for a gym routine that leaves me tired just thinking about it!

Then again, if I had $60 or more a week on the line, I’d probably be planking my heart out right now instead of munching on my own pilfered sweet from our family’s treat box!
So, we’ve got a mom (me) who is seeing more and more clean dinner plates and a dad (Wright) who has kids chasing after fitness…all because of bribing. So my answer to the question “Is bribing bad?” is a confident “No, bribing is not bad”—as long as you go about it in a reasonable way.
Bribing has gotten a bad rap over the years since it is associated with manipulation. So although I confess to bribing my children every now and again, I honestly feel like I’m more strategically managing the flow and behavior within our home.
Again, I tell myself, “Nothing I’m doing is illegal or dishonest!” My kids are often acting in my favor as a means to an end or to learn a lesson; things I hope they intrinsically adopt and apply without a bribe in the future. For me, it’s all about having a conversation and learning as we go.

For example, sometimes a bribe is as simple as putting on your coat before we leave the house. Why? So you don’t get wet when it rains. The payoff isn’t candy or money, but it is a benefit to my child. And they learn that through trial and error. Because yes, when they opt not to engage in the “bribe,” they suffer the consequences.
This is where I’ve started to question whether bribing is the correct term given the circumstances. Is what I’m actually doing bribing, or am I just applying a negotiating or bargaining tool? Those are positive life skills and something I feel is worth practicing with my kids for their sakes. It doesn’t mean they’ll always “win,” but throughout life they’ll have countless opportunities to converse about situations, present their ideas, and work toward an equally favorable goal.
That’s something I definitely want my kids to get experience with, and if it starts with me, all the better! I want to be the one who practices these skills with them because I know I always have their best interest at heart. And in the real world, that might not always be the case. At home, we can bribe, bargain, negotiate, and learn together in a safe environment. If that isn’t reason enough to jump-start bribing (or whatever you want to call it), I don’t know what is!

Life is hard and sometimes a bribe to get through the day is all I got.

Here are five other reasons to start bribing your kids. Read on to determine whether bribing is something you already leverage to your benevolent-parent advantage or whether it’s something you might consider doing with your kids now that you know the benefits.

1. Bribing gets results.

“Truthfully, we all work for something. It’s a matter of choosing the right motivators. Bribing in some regards teaches children to choose what they are willing to work for,” says family coach Calvalyn Day.

We can all apply this question in our daily lives: “What am I willing to work for?” In adulthood, it might be getting through X number of emails before getting up for a hot cup of coffee. For a young child, it might be calmly having their diaper changed and then moving on to something fun like a puzzle or favorite book.
Bottom line, bribing gets results. Read emails, changed diapers, you name it. It’s progress.

We offer big time bribes for good attitudes and smiles. A threat of discipline would probably cause some tears…

Jeannette G., a soon-to-be mom of two from Washington, says, “[Bribing is] totally how we got [my daughter] to start using the potty at home. I try not to bribe for everyday things (because the habit becomes unbreakable and everything becomes a negotiation). But, life is hard and sometimes a bribe to get through the day is all I got.”
Amen to that, sister!

2. Bribing cuts down on punishment.

On a daily basis, parents are faced with potentially negative experiences with our children. Sometimes they wake up on the wrong side of the bed—and sometimes we do. Throughout the day there are constant opportunities for punishments and consequences.

Humans, like pigeons and lab rats, respond to being incentivized.

Sometimes for small things, like a toddler throwing food at the table. Sometimes bigger things, like a preschooler not telling the truth.
Tasha B., a mom of two from Illinois, gives a perfect example of how bribing can cut down on punishment. “The times my husband and I utilize bribes/incentives are when we would like to have above-average behavior from our children and the alternative of discipline would have a negative impact on the event.

“For instance, family pictures. We offer big-time bribes for good attitudes and smiles. A threat of discipline would probably cause some tears, which would not be preferred for pictures. Bribes and incentives definitely have a time and place.”

3. It mirrors the adult world.

David Ezell, a psychotherapist at Darien Wellness in Connecticut, shares that the traditional use of the word bribe implies “that positive reinforcement is a negative.” He relates this to the adult world by saying, “I suppose I am being ‘bribed’ by my salary” and that I, as a writer, am potentially being bribed by your readership, shares, likes, etc.

And you know what? He’s right! Every single day, you and I accept bribes of various sorts in exchange for our work, attention, and energy. Although the term bribery has negative connotations, this is a totally normal part of life that our children can learn now and apply as they grow.
“Rewarding children to meet objectives is part of the bigger picture of incentivizing behavior,” says Ezell.

Spend some time setting up the afternoon routine to include homework or chores before television.

“Humans, like pigeons and lab rats, respond to being incentivized—always have and always will. And if I have a client tell me they ‘tried it’ and it did not work, I tell them the reward was not big enough. We all respond to kind words, pleasant expressions, nice environments, and rewards for work done well.”

4. It creates a system of routine.

In our home, we have certain expectations, especially when it comes to chores, which present a prime opportunity for bribing. One thing leads to another and in the end, we function in harmony. Well, for the most part. I promise, we are a real family with real struggles!

On the note of routine, Day shares that instead of traditional bribing she “encourage[s] parents to consider motivating children.” So, when you think “bribe,” exchange your verbiage and attitude to align more with principles of motivation.
“For example,” Day says, “if you know that your child enjoys TV time in the evening, spend some time setting up the afternoon routine to include homework or chores before television. Then when your kids complain about wanting to plop down in front of the screen, you can simply say, ‘When you’re done with [X,] you can watch TV. This is a little mindset trick that helps kids ultimately be self-motivated to do their work before play, but it keeps parents from being in the position of extrinsically motivating them all the time, which can get out of hand.”

Particularly working with children who are prone to defiance, giving them choices at the very least reduces power struggles.

Bianca T., a mom of three who lives outside of Seattle, Washington, says that this kind of bribing motivation, “depends on the age and personality of each child,” which totally makes sense. Bribing is not a cookie cutter way to parent!

She further explains that, “I’ve reframed it more [as] a reward versus a bribe. I tend to give little candy treats during the day when we are out for being caught doing good, and usually if that adds up to great attitudes during boring errands we find a ‘treat’ (it could be food, experience, listening to the Moana soundtrack for the 15 millionth time) as a reward.”

5. It gives kids the power of choice.

Here’s the thing about bribes. Your child doesn’t have to opt for what you’re offering. Crazy, I know! If the stakes aren’t high enough or your offer doesn’t sway them, they can say no. It may leave you feeling up a creek without a paddle, but it teaches them a valuable lesson. They hold the power in terms of what comes next.
Day reenforces this idea, saying, “Choice in and of itself is a strong motivator. Particularly working with children who are prone to defiance, giving them choices at the very least reduces power struggles, but can actually empower them to advocate for themselves.”

And don’t we all want our children to advocate for themselves? To gain the vocabulary and reasoning skills to communicate what they need?
Of course, as parents we also have the power of choice. We choose when bribery comes into effect and what options are available. In the end, our kids need to understand that we are the authority, but in situations of defiance, I make it my goal to seek options that will leave us both appeased.
When all is said and done, the goal of a bribe is to build intrinsic motivation in a positive way so children naturally choose to make the best decisions on their own.
If bribing becomes a minute-by-minute habit, it has gone too far.

You don’t want your kids asking for a piece of candy in exchange for brushing their teeth! But if it is a reasonable means to an end—let’s say “You practice tying your shoes for five minutes every day and then we can pick out new, extra fast running shoes at the mall together”—it makes sense.
As adults, we have the opportunity for near-constant reward in exchange for our positive behavior. Shouldn’t we create a similar world for our kids?
As long as we’re using each situation as a teaching opportunity, bribing can be a valuable tool for everyone involved.

Exciting news! You’re pregnant!
That means a little bundle of joy is on the way, and you have the weighty task of not only making sure you have researched baby products and chosen a great care provider for yourself, but also finding the perfect name for your new baby.

But, what exactly does “perfect” mean?
Perhaps you’ve had a name chosen since childhood—I personally adored the names Chrysanthemum and Leslie during my elementary days, inspired by my favorite book characters. Or maybe you and your spouse agreed during the excited planning part of your early relationship what your first son or daughter would be called. This is the boat my sister is in with her husband, although they have yet to share what those perfect names are.
(Come on, sister. I need to start my embroidery project!)
If unique is the goal, I bet you’re considering a wide variety of special names, whether it be the name itself, the spelling, or the pronunciation. But maybe, just maybe, you’re at a loss, and either can’t agree with your spouse or can’t seem to get the right feeling about any particular moniker. If that’s you, don’t fret. Choosing a name is an important decision, but it definitely isn’t the end of the world.

Generally speaking, it seems that parents are on the lookout for special names for their children. They want something that stands out and speaks to the amazing individual they are now and will become. I know quite a few moms and dads who use the social security registry as their guide for gauging uniqueness. If a name they are considering is part of the top 100, count it out!
When California mom Reina Tahai was pregnant, she used two guiding principles when choosing a baby name—uniqueness and tradition. She says, “I have a pretty unique name and so does my son, Maziar. I think it has helped me. I stand out and I think my son will stand out too!”
Speaking of tradition, Reina shares, “My husband is Persian [and his] name is Nima. So we are a family of unique names and wanted to continue the tradition…Reina, Nima, and Maziar.”

Every parent goes through their own deductive reasoning process to arrive at the name they choose for their child. Whether this is your first, second, or beyond, as you meander through the countless options, take great care in choosing that sweet little one’s name. You’ll say it out loud multiple times a day, they’ll take ownership of it (for good or ill!), and in the end, it’s something they’ll come to cherish or resent.
Keep reading and soon you will see that everyone benefits when a parent puts extra thought into their baby’s name.

How will you explain naming your child North West?

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have chosen unusual names for both of their children. Not necessarily in spelling or pronunciation, but in the fact that both North, their first daughter, and Saint, North’s little brother, don’t even come close to being considered traditional names.

No one really knows why Kim and Kanye chose to bless (or curse?) their children with such uncommon names, but it’s true that North and Saint won’t quickly be forgotten. Both sister and brother have names that stand out. But are celebrities really the best example to follow when naming a child? And when North and Saint someday question their different names, how will their parents respond?
For years, celebrities have rocked the traditional boat when naming their children.
In 2004, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin named their daughter Apple but then chose a more traditional name, Moses, for their son two years later. Why? Perhaps they were tired of explaining over and over (and over and over!) where the name Apple came from.

Bottom line, if you go the less-than-traditional route by choosing a cardinal direction, object, or something else off the beaten path as your child’s name, be sure to have a story up your sleeve to validate your child and explain the name to others. They’re going to wonder and others will too.
This goes for spelling and pronunciation as well. My oldest child is named Jemma—pronounced like the British name Gemma. We chose a J because we preferred its phonetic simplicity and because my husband announced during my pregnancy that he didn’t like G names, but still liked the sound of Jemma. Interesting considering he married a Gretchen!
He has since retracted his disdain for the letter G.

The playground is a battlefield.

Parents can love a name to death, but send that child into the real world and love might not be what the child experiences. The playground is a battlefield, and from the start, peers may identify a child as different if they have trouble connecting with a more unusual name.

“Our names are the first piece of our identity,” says Emily McMason, a parenting coach with an MEd from Harvard University and certification from the Parent Coaching Institute at Seattle Pacific University.
She goes on to say that our names are “the first way in which people begin to know us. As we get older, it is the way we know and define ourselves.” That means the name you choose is really, really important. It can mold a child’s personality and behavior.
Trista Mason recalls a rough patch in her childhood when trying to fully grasp and love her name, “In second grade I wanted to change my name to Trisha. Whenever I introduced myself as Trista, even now, there is ALWAYS a pause and a confused look (the look of I didn’t quite get that?!?!) I have to spell it multiple times to anyone on the phone too.”

At least her parents put some thought into Trista’s name.
She shares this: “My parents wanted a unique T name so my initials would be TLC … which I did love growing up. What I don’t love though? My name means ‘woman of much sadness.’ My parents didn’t bother to look it up. That is something I would highly recommend. Check the meaning!”

Does a Rebecca act the same as Reign?

No one can truly predict how a child will respond to a less common name throughout their life. Some love it from day one, embracing the flair it gives them in new situations. Others immediately shy away from the attention.
When choosing your child’s name, be aware that others they encounter throughout life might make assumptions about them based on their personal bias and past experiences. It’s not necessarily something we can control, but it is something to consider.

For example, over her years as an elementary school teacher, Leah Workman has seen somewhat of a correlation between a child’s name and their behavior. “Although not truly scientific, in my experience some names seem to belong to kids with similar traits,” she said. “The Zachs in my classes are usually busy and athletic while Sophias tend to be little socialites. Bens are down to earth and enjoyable to be around.”
Perhaps most notable, Workman mentioned that, “When a child knows they are named after someone special (like a grandparent or other loved one) they have a sense of importance. They are honored and act as if they have a legacy to uphold.”

So, if you’re considering naming your child after someone, take into account that a sense of honor could guide them for years to come.

Names carry a lot of weight on resumes, in interviews, and around workplaces.

Obviously names stretch far beyond our baby days and school years. Our names travel with us into adult life. That means it is important to consider how a name will be perceived in the workplace. When it comes to navigating life in the adult world, there are a variety of opinions on whether an unusual name aids or hinders a person’s potential success.
Zachary Painter, career advisor and hiring manager at Resume Genius, shared that two studies—one published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology and the other put out by the National Bureau of Economic Research—have guided his thinking about names in hiring processes and workplaces.

“In reality, unique names have a greater chance of hindering your chances of being hired. Although, as certain industries grow more diverse and progressive, unique names will hopefully be more acceptable, and hiring managers more willing to give these candidates the chance they deserve.”
On the flip side, Beth McRae, president of the McRae Agency, a public relations firm based in Arizona, countered Painter’s insight, saying, “I have reviewed hundreds of applications and hired numerous people since my agency started in 1995. I think a unique name helps the candidate stand out in a sea of similar-sounding names. Sometimes a name might indicate an ethnicity, but I always look for the substance in the resume more than the name itself. The one thing that stood out to me most was one young woman who sent me flowers after I interviewed her.”
There you go! A name is only one piece of the puzzle. The presentation, behavior, and aura of a person can balance and complement a unique name when a child is brought up in a healthy and supportive environment.

Workman concurred with McRae, stating, “A parent’s engagement and support fair outweighs a name—no matter how odd, unique, or what is perceived as ‘normal.'”
So, although naming your child is something to get serious about, never-ending hours of parental involvement will be the most crucial element in their future success.

A name is a gift.

Consider this: Your child’s name is the first gift you have the opportunity to give them. Whether their name is uncommon or common, it will follow them throughout life. It’s the gift that gives day in and day out!

McMason agrees, “The gift of a name—the moniker they are going to go by through infancy, tween years, their twenties, and beyond—is an important and emotional one. Parents use names as a way to show our interests, or our heritage, or our connection to friends that we value and want to honor with a name.”
Sometimes a child might perceive their name as a blessing; others consider it a curse. Of the 100+ people I spoke with about their name and what it means to them, the common thread was that everyone has a season of questioning whether they like their name or not. It seems to be a rite of passage for us all to complain about how boring, weird, different, creative, or generic our name is.

But, in the end, if parents have put thought and reason into choosing their brand new child’s name, individuals tend to grow to appreciate and embrace the name and all it means.
And, as my own mother always says, “When you have children of your own, you can name them whatever you want.”
So, if your child balks at the perfect name you selected, remind them that their day will come.

Few people question the miracle that is in vitro fertilization (IVF). From its inception, IVF has been considered a godsend to couples who are hoping to achieve a successful pregnancy.
Before delving into the dynamic stories of genetic siblings born to different mothers, let’s identify exactly what IVF is.

According to Dr. Mark Trolice, who is a board-certified reproductive endocrinology and infertility specialist of 20 years and an associate professor at the University of Florida College of Medicine, “IVF is an assisted reproductive technology procedure whereby fertilization of the egg and sperm occur in the laboratory. The woman receives stimulation with one of the injectable fertility medications.
“When the ovaries contain multiple mature eggs, she then undergoes a short minor procedure under intravenous sedation to retrieve the eggs by placing a needle … into the ovary under ultrasound guidance. Approximately four to six hours later, sperm are added to each of the eggs and then checked for fertilization the next day. The embryo(s) is/are transferred to the uterus three to five days after the ‘retrieval’ procedure. A pregnancy test is taken approximately two weeks following the egg retrieval.”

Recent developments have led to exciting possibilities.

In layman’s terms, IVF consists of egg retrieval from the woman, sperm donation from the man, embryo conception in the lab, and then a transfer timed perfectly to the woman’s cycle. But as with many modern medical advancements, IVF has taken some unexpected paths.

One such path is embryo donation/adoption. Simply put, when a couple goes through the IVF process, sometimes there are extra embryos that are not transferred. These embryos are frozen and stored as property of the couple who initially pursued their creation.
At some point, the couple must decide if they will use their remaining embryos to potentially become pregnant again, continue paying to store them, have the unneeded embryos destroyed, or pursue embryo donation/adoption.

Embryo donation/adoption is the transfer of embryos from one family to another. It is a legal process, but in the realm of legalities, it’s quite simple because embryos are identified as property.
Trolice states that “the process of embryo donation/adoption is well established. I do not see any ethical quandary as long as all parties enter into this agreement with full informed consent. Medical and legal consents must be created by a reproductive attorney for protection of all undergoing embryo adoption.”

Once embryos are transferred to a new couple, they can then begin steps to become pregnant through IVF with non-biological children—in effect, the genetic siblings of the child born from the original IVF cycle. This could be considered the earliest scenario of adoption: adoption after conception versus after birth.

“Extended family” takes on a new meaning.

This is also how genetic siblings can be born to different mothers.

Take these three Canadian families, for example. It’s a complex, interesting story of a new kind of family. To simply recap, Family A achieved a successful pregnancy through IVF (that originated from egg and sperm donation). There were leftover embryos from the procedure.
Rather than store those embryos indefinitely or have them destroyed, Family A connected with Beginnings, the largest private adoption agency in Ontario, and chose two adoptive families for their remaining embryos since they felt their family was complete.
Those two families, Family B and Family C, became pregnant with children who are related to Family A’s child. Now, the children of Families A, B, and C are all related. They are genetic siblings born to three different mothers.

Another scenario where genetic siblings are born to two different women is detailed in the Bernaba family’s story. After years of struggling to become pregnant with their second child, George and Amy Bernaba chose a surrogate to carry a child for them. In the course of evaluating their situation it was decided that eggs fertilized by Mr. Bernaba would be implanted into both Amy and their surrogate, Torry Keay.

The gift of life presents in many forms. When an infertility patient turns to non-biologic options of family building, they dedicate themselves to the purest form of our existence, which is loving for the sake of love, without genetic strings.

Miraculously, both women became pregnant and via cesarean and induction gave birth to twins on May 27, 2007—“the world’s first twins to be born on the same day to two different women,” according to Daily Mail.
These two stories are just the beginning of a new kind of birth, a new kind of adoption, a new kind of family.

Trolice agrees: “The gift of life presents in many forms. When an infertility patient turns to non-biologic options of family building, they dedicate themselves to the purest form of our existence, which is loving for the sake of love, without genetic strings.”
No field expert is ready to say that genetic siblings being born to different mothers could be described as “popular,” but it is definitely a new avenue couples are exploring.
Perhaps “growing trend” is the best identifier for this form of family building. And as this trend continues to grow, it only seems natural that more and more children will begin to explore their family of origin, seeking the story of how they began.
So, what are the benefits and risks of telling a child born through embryo adoption that they have genetic links in families elsewhere?

Thread of Heritage

The benefits are quite clear, according to Trolice, who cites the work of clinical psychologist Diane Ehrensaft. In her 2005 book Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates: Answering Tough Questions and Building Strong Families, she noted that “the social tides have changed. As they have changed, experts have done a 180-degree turn in their thinking about disclosure. Twenty years ago people thought disclosure would be traumatic for the child, humiliating to the parent, and disruptive of the parent­ child bond. Now it is believed to be a violation of the child’s rights, a denial of reality, and a threat to the integrity of the parent not to tell a child the truth about his or her birth history.”
Grief and loss counselor Lloyde Newman echoes Ehrensaft’s thoughts with an eloquent spin developed around a concept she calls the “thread of heritage.” Newman shares, “The Thread of Heritage becomes valuable and important even before the babies are born. Sometimes the mothers-to-be get together for support and to start building this unique family tree of memories, sense of community, and begin making family traditions that are essential to the development of children who are successful and confident.”

Thanks to a commitment to the Thread of Heritage, Newman says, “These special siblings grow up with the richness of family stories that are passed down from folks who thought they would never have the joy of telling long-ago Christmases memories, first days of school, and summer camping trips. The Thread of Heritage seems like a win–win solution for all. Some IVF donors have gone so far as to save other embryos for the future so women and men can experience the joy of parenthood and their cultural nuances and knowledge of life move forward to bless others.”

Establishing Connections

When given due thought, eventual full disclosure is becoming more common. Trolice states that “This is why Donor Sibling Registry was founded: to assist people in connecting with biologic siblings.” So whether parents opt to share their conception story with their child from the get-go or further down the road, most children are choosing to learn more about their genetic background.

But experts are merely outside observers of what is really going on inside these brand-new kinds of families. They can hypothesize and analyze what might be best, but isn’t it usually the case that every family, every child, is different?
For Ashleigh Stebner and Lauren Reykdal, full disclosure is proving to be a beautiful experience. These two women from the Pacific Northwest share a special bond. The children Stebner birthed in 2013 and 2016 and the daughter Reykdal is due to deliver in late 2017 will be genetic siblings.
After much infertility heartache, Reykdal began exploring snowflake adoption. Snowflake adoption is the same as embryo donation/adoption, just a catchier phrase since those little embryos are frozen, waiting to see where they will fall.
“It is unique, it is a modern family,” says Reykdal, “With almost a million frozen embryos in the United States, it is my prayer that many others will come to find the joy and beauty of adopting ‘little snowflakes.’” In essence, snowflake adoption is an opportunity for a stored embryo to have a chance at life.

Embryo adoption felt so right, and from the moment our donors contacted us, we’ve felt nothing but peace and hope. We finally let our bodies rest, knowing that our baby was already formed, always meant for us.

Reykdal remembers her feelings when she first considered embryo adoption. “My husband and I felt like we had been climbing a mountain—gaining footing, moving upward, and then slipping right back down with every fertility fail and negative cycle. We were so ready to become parents, and our 4-year-old would ask regularly when she would get to be a big sister.
“We knew that genetics did not matter to us, and with our hearts as tender as they were after the rollercoaster of fertility fails, we were terrified of a traditional adoption scenario leaving us with empty arms. Embryo adoption felt so right, and from the moment our donors contacted us, we’ve felt nothing but peace and hope. We finally let our bodies rest, knowing that our baby was already formed, always meant for us.”

And yes, you read that correctly, while Reykdal rode the roller coaster of infertility and the alternative options in growing her family, Stebner was on a journey of her own, beginning to reach out to potential families who might adopt embryos that remained from her successful IVF cycle.
“I have always known that I would eventually donate my embryos. For me it was just a matter of when I was emotionally ready to make that step. I somewhat expected it to be harder to sign the contract and give up my biological ‘children,’ but it hasn’t been. I know that they are going to all go to families that have dreamed of them, they will be so loved and cherished. I also know that I could never have them all myself, that was never the plan. I truly believe God blessed me with an abundance of embryos so that I could bless other families,” Stebner shared.
Stebner and Reykdal connected through a private social media group. Stebner recalls, “The first thing that caught my eye was her profile picture, three Mickey Mouse ear hats at Disneyland—one of our family’s favorite places. I worked up the courage to send a message. I got a response the next day and it brought me to tears… As we got to know each other, I realized I would want to have a relationship beyond anything I had ever imagined. We met in person in October 2016 and I knew that we had the perfect recipients.”

“I never could have imagined my relationship with my donor being the way that it is,” says Reykdal. “When I met Ashleigh, we connected. I remember thinking to myself—I wish I could keep her for a friend! Not only was she just an all-around great person, she had given me the gift of my daughter’s life. There were so many parallels in our journey where I truly feel like God was preparing us both. Doors closing, other prayers going (what felt like) unanswered. There have been times where I have felt selfish. I feel like I am getting the best of both worlds—a baby and this wonderful friendship.”
And Stebner echoes Reykdal’s sentiment, saying, “I feel like through this process God has given me a sister that I never had. I am overjoyed by the relationship our kids already have and I dream about how our families will grow together.”
And grow together they will! First, with a new baby later this year, and then, Stebner believes, many more. “We have already had talks about bringing other families into our dynamic. I always wanted this kind of big family, I just never realized this was how God would make it happen!”

IVF has become an everyday phrase around the birth and parenting community, but soon, it seems, these stories of genetic siblings born to different mothers will become more and more common. It’s a new kind of a family, but a beautiful one—full of hope, commitment, and immense love. The future of “family” is truly amazing.

I love teachers. They’re my kind of people and I appreciate them in so many ways.
Teachers are organized. They are often creative. They like to plan ahead, and they’ve committed their entire career not only to teaching the basics but to changing lives year after year. Teachers are heroes!
I know this (and truly believe it) because my mom and sister are both teachers. Every week I get a behind-the-scenes tell-all about the sacrifices they make and the effort that goes into making their classrooms the welcoming places they are.

I hear the stories of their students—and we laugh, pray, and brainstorm ideas to make the school experience the very best it can be for them. Teaching isn’t my mom or sister’s life, but their students sure are. Everything they do is for them.
But with students come parents. And parents are a whole new ballgame.
Some parents are amazing, like besties you have to maintain tiny unspoken boundaries with because parent–teacher relationships can get tricky quickly if both parties aren’t careful.
Then there are the parents who are not bestie material. They are just…different.

Some are very hands off; others fall into the helicopter category. Then there are the ridiculous parents. Brace yourself. These are the ones who can catapult a whole pile of crazy into a teacher’s school year.
Here’s a peek at some of the most ridiculous things parents have said to teachers. Some of these might make you cringe while others invite you to laugh out loud. Time to take notes on what not to do this school year.

Parents are doing their research, but it’s not school related.

“At my back to school open house a mom said, ‘I already looked you up on [social media] and I know everything about you.’ I blinked a few times, did my best to smile, and replied, ‘Wow…I guess I’m going to have to update my privacy settings!’” –First grade teacher in Washington

“I once had a parent ask to have his daughter removed from my class. Why? He found out that I had children and he wanted a teacher that was ‘devoted to her job.’” –Second grade teacher from Washington
Seriously, no need to dig so deep into a teacher’s personal life. Especially before you get to know them in person!

Parents expect a lot from teachers.

“A parent (who I’m now great friends with) came in on the first day of first grade and asked me to remind her daughter to poop AND let her take as long as she needed so it would all come out. Um…not quite in my job description, but okay!” –First grade teacher in Washington

“It was my very first year as a schoolteacher. I was teaching sixth grade and there was a kayaking field trip tradition that I was expected to carry on. I sent out a newsletter with all the details and the following day was approached [by] one of my ‘favorite’ parents who said, ‘Have you done a risk assessment for this field trip?’ A risk assessment? I had no idea what to say! This field trip was a tradition that I was just trying to honor. They carried on about hypothermia and all sorts of dangers and I did the best I could to calm their fears. But seriously, we weren’t going on an overnight trip to the Arctic!” –Sixth grade teacher from Washington

Let’s all think twice before asking certain questions. Sometimes they’re downright overboard.

Homework and grades are how the world goes ’round.

“One year I had a parent pull their child out of school for three weeks for a trip. …They told me, ‘Please prepare a customize[d] packet of everything you’ll be teaching during this time… I want my child to be all caught up when we return!’ I had to gently explain that a lot of learning in our classroom was student led and that I had to stay with the pace of the class. Although I had an outline of what I was going to be teaching I really went day-to-day. Made me feel so irritated and unappreciated, I’m juggling more than one student here!” –Second grade teacher in Wisconsin

“One ridiculous interaction that sticks out was when I taught AP literature and I called home to a parent whose son was failing my class. It was his senior year and I was bending over backward to help him stay on track but he just didn’t want to do anything…literally…he wouldn’t even keep his head up for a movie. When I expressed concern that he wasn’t learning anything, the parent’s response was, ‘I don’t really care if he learns anything. How can he get an A?’” –High school teacher from Virginia
“It was the first year I taught math, my very first parent–teacher conference. The mom of one of my Algebra 2 students came in, and the first words out of her mouth were, ‘Your homework is making my son’s life a living hell.’ In my defense, her son didn’t do much in class, so when he got home, he couldn’t remember how to do the problems. But I was assigning 30 problems to be done partly in class and the rest at home, and I’ve since reduced that to 15 to 20. So in a sense, I took her words to heart.” –High school teacher from Oklahoma

Homework is part of school. Grades are part of school. That’s how it goes. It’s all about preparing kids for the real world. You know, the place where we’re evaluated constantly and Mom and Dad can’t aggressively advocate for their adult children.

Parents sometimes forget that teachers are human.

“I had a very verbally explosive student in my class. He would often yell obscenities and insults at me and his classmates while I taught. At one point he yelled out during class that I was fat and my haircut looked stupid. Having short hair, I paused my lesson and calmly responded, ‘It kinda looks like your haircut’ and proceeded to teach my lesson. The next day his parents called a meeting with the principal and myself saying that I, had roasted [their] son in front of the class and now he had no friends. No, not quite. …You, young man, and your actions are what created the ‘no friend’ problem.” –Fourth grade teacher from New York

Cut teachers some slack. They’re human. They make mistakes. They also deserve the benefit of the doubt. They’re teachers for a reason: They love our kids and most would never do anything to harm them.

Parents’ actions often speak louder than their words.

“Every spring I host student-led conferences. It’s an opportunity for my kids to present to their parents what we’ve been learning in class all year, speak to their successes, and outline where they’re aiming to improve. This model of conferences is really successful and I love facilitating them. But, last year, a mom and dad walked in to their student-led conference and I inquired where their child was. They said, ‘Oh, my student is supposed to be here?’ Um…YES! It’s called a student-led conference! Attention to detail, folks, attention to detail.” –Eighth grade teacher from Utah

“I once had a mother use the mirror over my shoulder to reapply her makeup during the whole parent–teacher conference. She never actually said anything ridiculous, but I could hardly believe how disconnected she was from something that’s normally quite important to parents!” –Fifth grade teacher from Alabama
What you do really does matter!

This one deserves an induction into the Ridiculous Hall of Fame.

“A student was having a bad attitude and consistently using some bad language in class. At parent–teacher conferences I brought this up to the parents and they were upset because ‘He never talks like that at home.’ They blamed, ‘The rude kids from school,’ saying that ‘They’re the negative influence.’ About a week later I called them at home to discuss a different issue and their answering machine came on saying, ‘LEAVE A FREAKING MESSAGE.’ I no longer questioned where the poor attitude and language was coming from. As they say, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!” –Fifth grade teacher from Nevada

The Absolutely Unbelievable

If you’re a parent with a child in school, we sincerely hope—for both your child’s sake and yours—that you’ve never done anything remotely similar to anything you’re about to read below.

“Do not ever write down my son’s name as Chris M. Just because another student has his same first name. He is receiving unequal treatment because you are addressing him by his first name and first letter of last name. This is deeply unfair and I will be talking to your principal.” –my_final_answer via Reddit
Apparently, some parents no longer think of their kids’ teachers as teachers; they seem to think of them as their personal assistants and babysitters.

“‘Please postpone today’s test. My son left his backpack at school yesterday so he couldn’t study.’” –my_final_answer via Reddit
“Had a parent forgot to pack their kid a lunch, they called the school to tell me I needed to leave the class to go across the street and buy the kid Subway.” –jackieisgrumpy via Reddit

Let this be a reminder to us all: Don’t be the parent who is known for crazy statements and odd encounters. Think back to when you were a student. Would you have wanted your parent to say (or do) this to your teacher? Would you speak to a co-worker or friend like this?
Even if something is amiss, you can communicate your concerns with your child’s teacher or a school administrator without launching things into the realm of the ridiculous.

When you enter your child’s world, you represent them. They need you to be in tune with their life and the people who are important to them. Be kind to their teachers!