Author: HealthyWay Staff Writer

Nosh

Drinking "Raw" Water? Read This First.

Post author By HealthyWay Staff Writer
Post date July 20, 2018

At first glance, “raw water” sounds redundant. What’s more raw than water?
But over the last year, the raw water trend has garnered headlines from publications like The New York Times (a piece titled “Unfiltered Fervor“) and Time (“‘Raw Water’ Is a New Health Trend. But Is It Safe?”).

The idea is simple: Instead of drinking treated, filtered water from the tap, humans should drink the “raw,” unfiltered water from natural sources. If you’re not seeing the issue there, then…well, we’ll let Chris Doyle, water quality program supervisor at SOLitude Lake Management, explain the dangers.
“I would never recommend anyone drinking surface water,” Doyle tells HealthyWay. “I really wouldn’t recommend drinking unfiltered water from any source unless it’s been properly tested by an analytical lab for contaminants … A lot of the negative consequences would be gastrointestinal. You can call it ‘discomfort,’ I guess, but it’s going to be an intestinal issue.”

Enough said. But there’s another option: You can get safe, “raw” water delivered right to your door.
Mukhande Singh (born Christopher Sanborn, according to Slate), founder of raw water delivery service Live Spring Water, was interviewed by The New York Times earlier this year, and he says the newspaper’s coverage of the movement was misleading. Singh’s company delivers untreated spring water to the West coast in large crystal jugs; delivery starts at $16 per 2.5-gallon jug, with a four-jug minimum order.
“[The New York Times] came out and photographed me in Maui, and then they also went to our spring and photographed our spring and bottling facility,” Singh tells HealthyWay. “But instead of showing the spring—the covered spring head where the water comes out—they chose a photo of the creek downstream from the spring and also included a misleading caption that kind of alluded to the idea that we were just collecting potentially contaminated creek water. These huge major media outlets didn’t really give it an honest look.”
https://www.instagram.com/p/-jyfhMvG5W/?hl=en&taken-by=livespringwater
We decided to look deeper into the raw water trend to figure out what makes water safe—and whether there’s really any benefit to drinking water “straight from the source.”

First of all, you can’t simply drink any water that comes out of the ground.

Unless you have a superhuman immune system, water filtration isn’t optional.
“There’s three main sources of drinking water,” Doyle says. “There’s groundwater, which is usually an underground aquifer. There’s surface water, which would be something like a reservoir or a river. And then there’s rainwater. I think each one kind of has different challenges and potential toxins in it.”

Live Spring Water comes from—you guessed it—a spring, and it relies on natural processes for filtration. That doesn’t mean it’s unfiltered.
“The mere fact that it’s being filtered through the ground, it certainly helps,” Doyle says. “A lot of the water treatment plants are facsimile of what the water is going through in the ground. But if you have contamination in the ground, or near the groundwater source, certainly contamination can get into the aquifer. That’s where you can have some issues.”

In other words, water from springs or aquifers isn’t always safe, so independent testing is crucial. Doyle says any drinking water source should be regularly tested for parasites, bacteria, algae, and elevated levels of toxic substances.
“[Our water comes from] a covered spring head over a lava tube,” Singh says. “The whole town where our spring water is has been drinking this water, untreated, out of their taps for 100 years because they’re so confident in it. That, along with us testing each batch for harmful microbes, just really ensures safety and the highest quality.”

Yes, you read that correctly; Live Spring Water is simply tap water from a small Oregon town. Singh is upfront about that fact, and he insists that his company charges a fair price for transporting and delivering their product.
“I think, a lot of times, people have an idea that they don’t want to pay for water,” he says. “I believe that water should be free—and water is free to us, but, you know, it definitely takes money to transport water and to ensure its quality and have a solid infrastructure to deliver that to people.”
Singh believes his product has sparked controversy because people misunderstand what he’s offering; every batch of Live Spring Water is independently tested, and Singh says he’d recommend carefully evaluating any water source before drinking from it.

“Seeing some of these articles that say that we’re just getting water from potentially untested streams or lakes or things of that nature—like, yeah, that’s obviously going to spark some health concerns for some people when they read that,” he says.

Some “raw water” sources can be extraordinarily dangerous.

In a sense, then, Live Spring Water isn’t really “raw” at all; it’s expensive tap water from a natural source, properly tested to ensure safety. The company also makes some extraordinary health claims, but we’ll address those in a minute.

First, we’d like to make something clear: Drinking water straight from a lake, river, or other surface water source is dangerous. While the most likely consequence of drinking “raw water” is diarrhea and intestinal discomfort, some water sources are more dangerous than others.
“A few high-profile algal blooms have occurred in Florida and Toledo in the last few years. Both of those were massive algal blooms, and the blooms themselves create toxins,” Doyle says. “There’s a whole list of different toxins, based on the different types of algae that’s producing the toxins. And they have a neurological impact, potentially causing ALS or Parkinson’s disease.”

While the impact of algal blooms is still a subject of research, we know that there’s a disturbing link between certain neurological diseases and algal toxins.
And while intestinal discomfort might be a minor inconvenience to some, gastrointestinal issues can be dangerous to certain groups of people.
“Generally, your higher-risk populations are going to be at more risk,” Doyle says. “So if you’ve got a younger healthy person, a lot of times they might not even know [that their symptoms came from water contact]. You can sometimes get some of these bacterial issues while swimming, boating, or diving. But if you’ve got young children or pregnant women, the effects can be compounded.”

If you really, really want to drink water out of a lake, portable products like LifeStraw provide EPA-compliant filtration, but they’re limited; LifeStraw, for instance, can’t remove viruses, chemicals, salt, or heavy metals.

Some raw water proponents claim untreated water has a host of health benefits.

Is there any benefit to drinking naturally filtered water?
To be clear, Live Spring Water is safe. We reviewed the company’s third-party tests (you can find them here as a PDF) and verified that they were legitimate. However, the company makes some claims that seem extreme.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ds9Do2p60MQ
A page on Live Spring Water’s site implies that probiotics in the product can reduce inflammation, metabolize heavy metals, slow the aging process, enhance mental performance, improve neurotransmitter balance, improve digestion, and support a healthy immune system. To support those claims, Singh sent us a probiotic testing report that found evidence of four bacteria: Pseudomonas oleovorans, Acidovorax spp., Pseudomonas putida, and Pseudomonas spp.
While the report verified that those bacteria were non-pathogenic, there wasn’t sufficient information to indicate that the microorganisms are especially beneficial. As Amesh Adalja, MD, senior scholar at the Johns Hopkins Center for Health Security, told HealthyWay in June 2018, scientists are just starting to understand how the body’s microbiome works; there’s limited science to support probiotic therapies, and products that claim probiotic benefits should be treated with healthy skepticism.

“We are in the infancy of understanding how to manipulate one’s microbiome,” Adalja said at the time.
Singh says his customers’ experiences show the health benefits of his product.
“You know, people feel amazing from the water,” he says. “We’re starting to realize how important gut health is and how important it is to have the right cultures in our gut and the right bacteria and the right balance. This is just another way to really strengthen our digestive system and the whole body.”

Man I went to the doctor yesterday & They offered me a bottle of purified water from Kroger and the Doctor was drinking spring water!
I immediately felt uncomfortable!

— Zandra “Zmuzik” Morrow (@zmuzikpraDoocer) July 17, 2018

Singh says he believes in the natural filtration process.
“Spring water, the way we do it, is brought out of the Earth,” he says. “It’s the way nature created it. It’s got all of the natural minerals in it that we need, it’s what humans have been drinking for 99 percent of our existence, so it’s just—our bodies are perfectly biologically adapted to what we’ve been drinking for so long.”

Ultimately, we couldn’t find scientific support for the purported probiotic benefits of the raw water movement. With that said, Live Spring Water is safe—truly “raw” unfiltered water isn’t.
If you’re going to drink water from a natural source, make sure it has been recently tested. If the tests look good, have at it, but you probably shouldn’t expect miraculous results.

That doesn’t mean that the entire movement is completely without merit. If you’re willing to look carefully and scientifically at your water sources, you can avoid certain pollutants, which could conceivably improve your health. We’d recommend starting at the Environmental Working Group’s Tap Water Database, which lets you quickly view testing information for your local water sources.

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Wellbeing

Recognizing 4 Common Signs of Borderline Personality Disorder (And What To Do Next)

Post author By HealthyWay Staff Writer
Post date July 19, 2018

“I felt like he was going to leave me. I felt like everyone was going to leave me.”
Ashley, 32, was in a new relationship with a man she really liked. She had no reason to believe anything was wrong—and no reason to do what she did.
“For days, I tried not to let him out of my sight,” she says. “I tried to hold on, but I kept feeling more desperate. It didn’t matter. I was sure that he was going to leave, so I told him I was going to [hurt myself]. He told me to get help, and for once, I listened. I don’t know why. Maybe I thought that was the only way to make him stay.”

Sad woman is sitting near window — iStock.com/Martin Dimitrov

Ashley had many of the signs of borderline personality disorder. She depended heavily on others for her identity, which led to dramatic moments where her relationships broke apart in front of her. She couldn’t regulate her emotions, and she couldn’t hold onto a stable sense of self.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, about 1.4 percent of U.S. adults can be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. That’s a shockingly high number—and it’s even more distressing considering the large amount of misinformation surrounding the condition.

Woman is talking to therapist who is taking notes — iStock.com/FilippoBacci

Borderline personality disorder (also known as BPD or emotionally unstable personality disorder) is a serious, long-term condition characterized by mood swings and dangerous behavior. Like many personality disorders, it’s extraordinarily complex, with environmental, genetic, and social factors contributing to the development and progression of the disease. Women are significantly more likely to suffer from BPD than men.
The good news is that the condition responds well to psychiatric treatment. The bad news: Because mood swings can accompany a variety of physiological diseases, people often misinterpret the signs of BPD.
https://twitter.com/xpandingunivers/status/933057329498591232
After all, it’s a hard distinction to make, even for a trained psychologist; is a person experiencing one of the dramatic breaks commonly associated with BPD, or are they simply going through a tough time? Will their behavior eventually change—or do they need professional intervention?

Distressed woman sitting down — iStock.com/ljubaphoto

To be clear, nobody should try to diagnose a mental illness on their own (or any other illness, for that matter), but recognizing the symptoms is the first step toward getting treatment. We looked into some of the commonly missed signs of this disease with the help of psychiatrist Alex Dimitriu, MD.

1. People with BPD have extreme instability in their personal relationships.

“Signs of BPD include unstable relationships, generally with significant drama,” Dimitriu tells HealthyWay.
Because people with BPD have difficulty regulating emotions, they have trouble maintaining a healthy baseline. That means their personal relationships become unstable—and, in a sense, they seek out and create that instability.

Couple arguing with woman walking away — iStock.com/valentinrussanov

“Unstable attachments can often manifest in splitting, or having very intense feelings that can quickly change from love to hate,” Dimitriu says. “Rage inevitably occurs, and people with borderline personality disorder can be very harsh on both themselves as well as those around them.”
For people who don’t have the illness, those changes can be extreme and frustrating. People with BPD might be emotionally cruel, or they might completely disengage from relationships.

2. That instability also carries over to their sense of self.

“I had hobbies [before I received treatment], but they changed all the time,” Ashley says. “If I had a new boyfriend or best friend—they were always ‘best’ friends—I was obsessed with whatever they were obsessed with. But my moods changed almost constantly, even throughout the day, which made it impossible to focus on anything other than those relationships.”

Female best friends are standing in front of the sunset — iStock.com/BlackbourneA

Those symptoms are fairly common among people with BPD, who might even go so far as changing their beliefs, principles, and (gasp!) political affiliations in an effort to fit in.
“[Another symptom] is an unstable sense of self, resulting in ‘melting into’ various groups or fads, and outside observers may at times feel the borderline [person] is like a ‘chameleon,’” Dimitriu says. “Because of an unstable sense of self, combined with the intensity or rage episodes, it is not uncommon for people with BPD to do self-damaging things.”

Friends getting coffee — iStock.com/Tamara Dragovic

To put that another way, a person with borderline personality disorder might move from group to group in an effort to fit in and feel comfortable. They’re looking for an environment that will provide some sort of stability and sense of identity.
Ironically, moving from group to group will likely cause instability with their interpersonal relationships.

3. People with BPD often engage in self-damaging behaviors, which aren’t always easy to spot.

Generally speaking, BPD behaviors aren’t exactly subtle. However, they can be difficult to identify as symptoms of a mental illness. To friends and family members, a person with BPD might simply seem like they’re being unreasonable in the moment. As with other mental illnesses, it’s difficult to separate the disorder from the person.

Angry woman sending text — iStock.com/Milkos

“[BPD behaviors] can range from impulsively sending an email that could result in getting fired, to fighting or being dramatic in relationships, to threats of suicide or self-harm in the form of cutting or medication abuse,” Dimitriu says.
Of course, a person can present some of those symptoms without having a mental illness, and psychologists don’t make a diagnosis from a single incident. One of the defining features of BPD is that it persists over long periods of time and through multiple relationships.

Woman is sitting alone by window — iStock.com/Marjan_Apostolovic

“Most commonly, these symptoms or tendencies have been present for a long time, often since teenage years, and it is not uncommon to have a family relative with a similar coping or personality style,” Dimitriu explains.

4. People with BPD often have unstable upbringings.

That brings us to another common symptom—and a root cause—of BPD: a family history of unstable behavior. While a variety of factors contribute to the illness’s development, familial instability seems to be one of the bigger factors.
“On a most fundamental level, it is believed that borderline children never knew they could trust their caregivers to be present consistently,” Dimitriu says. “This leads to patterns of acting out, neediness alternating with rage, and fears of abandonment. Inconsistent as well as overly intensive parenting is sometimes to blame. These parenting conditions often result in a child’s distrust of their own self and ability to relate to people in the world.”

According to a paper published in The Lancet, borderline personality disorder is frequently associated with adverse events that occur during childhood. Those events might be the result of parental negligence or abuse.

Psychologists also believe that BPD has a genetic component. However, that doesn’t mean the situation is hopeless; while some people may be genetically predisposed to BPD, they can still respond well to treatment.

The good news: People with BPD have options for treatment.

There’s no standardized treatment for borderline personality disorder, but cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) seems particularly effective. One paper found CBT provided a “gradual and sustained improvement” in outcomes for BPD patients, reducing serious incidents and improving social functioning.
CBT, by the way, is a type of psychotherapy administered by a trained psychologist. The patient is compelled to challenge negative thought patterns, eventually reducing the feelings of instability that drive their actions.

Woman having cognitive behavioral therapy session — iStock.com/Wavebreakmedia

“I was worried about taking medication, but for the most part, my [therapy] sessions were the biggest part of my treatment,” Ashley says. “It’s still a struggle. I think it’s always a struggle, but it’s a lot easier to get by when you understand where the negativity is coming from, and what you can do to sort of stick a wedge in it.”
With that said, before seeking treatment for BPD, it’s important to make sure a person actually has the condition. We’d really like to stress this point: Only an experienced psychologist or psychiatrist can make that diagnosis.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Don’t tell them that they’ve got this condition or that condition, just get them to a therapist’s office. There’s no reason to live in misery. My mental health problems don’t run my life—I run them.”
—Ashley, a 32-year-old diagnosed with BPD[/pullquote]
“Before anything is called a personality disorder, it is important to rule out true psychiatric conditions—such as depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder—which can often overlap with BPD,” Dimitriu says. “Reducing stress and improving mood can play a big role in mitigating symptoms that may look like borderline personality.”

As Dimitriu explains, psychological issues are complex, and a single self-harming incident doesn’t mean that a person has BPD or that they need to pursue a particular course of treatment. However, major mood swings should be taken seriously.

Don’t assume a person’s simply acting out to be dramatic.

“Desperate people do desperate things,” Dimitriu says, “and I often give the example to my patients of how irrational a drowning person may appear. There have been instances of a desperate drowning person drowning their rescuer [or] lifeguard; reducing depressive symptoms or anxiety can definitely lead to less desperate thoughts and actions, which can certainly improve, to some degree, the rage and instability seen in borderline behavior.”
Because the symptoms of BPD overlap with the symptoms of other conditions, psychologists will need a detailed patient history in order to recommend treatment.

“An important point worth noting is a higher incidence of bipolar disorder in borderline personality,” Dimitriu says. “One key difference is that bipolar patients will have longer periods of time during which they appear ‘stable.'”
Bipolar disorder also needs treatment, of course. The most important takeaway: If you know someone who may have BPD or who experiences major mood swings, urge them to get help.
“Don’t tell them that they’ve got this condition or that condition, just get them to a therapist’s office,” Ashley says. “There’s no reason to live in misery. My mental health problems don’t run my life—I run them.”

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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

The Boy Scouts Are Allowing Girls, But Is There Such A Thing As Too Much Inclusivity?

Post author By HealthyWay Staff Writer
Post date July 17, 2018

This year, the Boy Scouts of America are making changes.
In February 2019, the organization will officially drop the word “boy” and change its name to “Scouts BSA.” It’s not an idle change; for the first time in its history, the Scouts are allowing girls to join and progress through scouting ranks, eventually earning the coveted Eagle Scout designation.

“The leadership of the BSA determined that the best way to welcome girls to serve today’s families is to offer a unique model that builds on the proven benefits of our single-gender program, while also providing character and leadership opportunities for both boys and girls,” a representative of the organization tells HealthyWay via email.
The move is somewhat controversial—and understandably so, since major changes to century-old organizations usually create some amount of controversy. But the Scouts’ new inclusivity highlights a cultural shift toward gender neutrality; these days, separating kids by biological sex seems almost arbitrary.

Of course, the Scouts aren’t totally ignoring gender. The organization claims the change is practical, geared toward getting more families involved with scouting.
“Now families can choose to sign up their sons and daughters for Cub Scouts,” the organization’s spokesperson explains. “Chartered partner organizations may choose to establish a new girl pack, establish a pack that consists of girl dens and boy dens, or remain an all-boy pack. Dens will be single gender—all boys or all girls.”

girls sitting and talking — iStock.com/SolStock

We asked whether the Scouts have received any significant backlash from members.
“Response has been very positive,” the spokesperson says. “In fact, 8,912 girls have already joined the Cub Scouts.”
That’s a surprisingly large—and incredibly specific—number. The Cub Scout program, by the way, is the largest of the BSA’s scouting divisions, open to boys and girls from first through fifth grade.
“Many of our current families, Scouts, donors, volunteers, and professional staff are in support of this decision, and in a number of cases from our Early Adopter efforts, we have heard that more parents have started volunteering since their entire family could now be involved.”

But soon after the Scouts announced the change, another major organization harshly criticized the move.

“Girl Scouts is the best girl leadership organization in the world, created with and for girls,” the Girl Scouts wrote in a blog shortly after the Scouts BSA announced their name change. While the blog didn’t mention the Scouts BSA by name, the message was clear.
“We believe strongly in the importance of the all-girl, girl-led, and girl-friendly environment that Girl Scouts provides, which creates a free space for girls to learn and thrive.”

Girl scouts walking together — Bureau of Reclamation/Flickr

The Girl Scouts—long maligned by traditionalists for their progressive stances on LGBT acceptance—were, in a sense, criticizing the Boy Scouts for being too inclusive. Their rationale: Some amount of gender exclusivity is healthy.
“The benefit of the single-gender environment has been well-documented by educators, scholars, other girl- and youth-serving organizations, and Girl Scouts and their families,” the blog post continued. “Girl Scouts offers a one-of-a-kind experience for girls with a program tailored specifically to their unique developmental needs.”

Girl roasting marshmallow — iStock.com/andresr

The blog, however, did not provide any references to support its “well-documented” benefits. It’s true that some educators and researchers believe single-gender structures can have benefits for kids. The science, however, is a bit complicated.

Let’s start with a widespread myth: Biological gender differences are, for the most part, overstated.

Some arguments against gender-neutral groups often cited psychological differences between boys and girls.
Those differences aren’t exactly clear-cut, however. According to the American Psychological Association, a 2005 meta-analysis indicated “that men and women are basically alike in terms of personality, cognitive ability and leadership.” From adolescence to adulthood, males and females are more similar than dissimilar.

We know what you’re thinking; boys and girls are different, almost from birth. But while some other studies show more defined differences between boys and girls, gender roles and social context play an enormous role—an objectively more significant role than neurological differences.
For example, one meta-analysis looked at the stereotype that boys are generally better than girls at math. The research showed that boys and girls perform equally well in the subject until they reach high school. Through high school, boys gain a minor advantage.

Girl taking math test at school — iStock.com/diego_cervo

Even so, women are underrepresented in STEM fields. We can blame established gender roles for that unfortunate reality, along with key differences in how boys and girls are treated in classrooms. One study found that elementary school teachers routinely value boys’ comments over girls’ comments, and that, while boys are eight times more likely to call out in class without raising their hands, girls who called out were more likely to get a reminder to raise their hands next time.

kids with raised hands in classroom — iStock.com/skynesher

Those social differences are troubling, but again, they’re not physiological. We can’t really blame any fundamental differences between male and female brains for the distinctions, and we can’t really use physiological differences as an argument against mixed-gender activities.

The physical differences between the sexes might be a better argument for some single-gender groups.

In that area, the differences between boys and girls are obviously more pronounced. If an activity requires certain physical traits, it makes sense to limit enrollment to a single sex.
Except, of course, when it doesn’t.
In 2013, 12-year-old Madison Paige Baxter made headlines when her school, Strong Rock Christian School, kicked her off their football team. Madison had been a successful player, but according to her mother, Cassy Blythe, an official from the school said the boys on the team might “think of [Madison] in an impure way.”

As Strong Rock Christian School is a private institution, it was not subject to Title IX regulations, which prevent public schools from discriminating on the basis of sex.
The case brought an interesting tangle to the inclusivity discussion: Madison was apparently kicked off the team because of the way that boys might react, not because of concerns for her safety or a desire to provide boys with a single-gender group activity.
The ejection was, in a word, unfair—not simply because it excluded Madison, but because it did so for the wrong reason.

Young football player looking at the field — iStock.com/pkripper503

“My mom counted that I had five sacks,” Madison said at the time in an interview with ABC News. “The entire crowd thought it was one of their boys but when they saw my number and looked at the roster, they saw it was me. It’s taking that fun that I had for a year and snatching it right out from under me.”

That’s not to say there isn’t any justifiable reason to separate activities by gender.

Our point is simply that questions of inclusivity need to be treated carefully. In some situations, gender exclusivity might actually be beneficial for kids.
Remember those social constructs we mentioned earlier? They’re certainly powerful, and in order to correct them, we need to teach young girls to recognize them. Boys and girls are treated differently by our society, and sometimes there’s nothing wrong with recognizing those differences.

The Girl Scouts provide an excellent example. Writing for Slate, Parrish Turner notes that the organization provides kids with important lessons and leadership that wouldn’t be possible with a mixed-gender membership. Because the Girl Scouts assumes its members are female, scout leaders are able to talk about sexual harassment, discrimination, and various other topics specifically directed at women. They’re able to promote STEM fields, encourage girls to innovate, and give kids a safe space to develop into strong women.

Girl is working on her robotics stem project — iStock.com/Kerkez

With that said, moderation is still crucial. We do know from research that mixed-gender friendships and activities can be helpful, and when there’s no reason to separate the sexes, it’s probably best to let them mingle. One study found that increasing cross-gender interactions actually diminishes aggression; in schools where those types of interactions were rare, cross-gender friendships created “status distinctions” that magnified the effect.

Kids playing together — iStock.com/Rawpixel

In other words, in social environments where boys and girls aren’t typically expected to be friends, cross-gender friendships can have a powerful beneficial effect on behavior and, potentially, development.

Gender-exclusive situations may be helpful, but the reasoning behind them needs to be clear.

Ultimately, gender-exclusive groups aren’t necessarily a bad thing, provided the exclusion is occurring for a good reason. Kicking girls off a football team because the boys might have “impure thoughts” is harmful reasoning; establishing a girls-only group to give kids powerful female role models is perfectly reasonable.

As for the Boy Scouts—soon to be called the Scouts BSA—the move towards inclusivity seems like a practical one to drive recruitment and keep families involved in scouting. It’s also not quite as inclusive as the headlines might indicate; single-gender packs and dens will still exist. Time will tell, but scouting purists probably don’t have to worry about the organization changing in profound ways.

In the meantime, a mix of single- and mixed-gender activities seem like an appropriate foundation for well-rounded children. More important is that we keep discussing gender imbalances—and making sure that when we’re excluding kids from anything, we’re doing it for the right reasons.

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Healthy Relationships Wellbeing

Mr. Right (Enough): What Does It Mean To Settle?

Post author By HealthyWay Staff Writer
Post date July 13, 2018

Picture, for a moment, the perfect romance.
If you’re like us, your mind just built a quick movie, complete with an awkward introduction, a passionate first kiss (probably taking place at the quirky cupcake shop you own, because hey, a fantasy’s a fantasy), and a tear-jerking proposal. “They lived happily ever after, baking cupcakes and making love.” Roll credits, right?

In real life, things don’t always work out so cleanly. Your husband might have a few disgusting habits, he might be losing some hair, and he almost certainly won’t live up to the “man of your dreams” you’ve got in your head (after all, it’s pretty hard to live up to Idris Elba).
You’ll likely end up settling for someone who doesn’t check all the boxes of a “perfect” partner—and, contrary to what Hollywood wants you to believe, that’s totally fine.

For starters, you’re certainly not alone. According to one survey, about 73 percent of people say their “true love” got away. Those respondents said they settled for their current relationships. That means the vast majority of people are trying to make the best they can with who they’ve got.
If that sounds like bad news, keep this in mind: By settling for Mr. Right Now, you’re probably setting yourself up for a happier life.

“The media makes romance look easy,” Alisha Powell, PhD, a licensed clinical social worker, tells HealthyWay. “But honestly, it’s just two people who are willing to put in the work and create something where they both feel valued and understood. Fireworks don’t always happen, and friendships can last a lot longer than initial sparks, which go out quickly.”

That’s not to say that “love at first sight” always fails, but it’s not a great basis for a healthy adult relationship.

By the way, that initial spark certainly doesn’t last.

Let’s tackle the first problem with waiting for Mr. Right: If you’re relying on your body to tell you when you’ve found the perfect person, you’re making a mistake.

The feeling of love—those butterflies in your stomach, the sweaty palms, and the passion you feel when looking at your partner—lasts for about a year, according to research performed at the University of Pavia in Italy. A team led by clinical pathologist Enzo Emanuele found that romantic love was linked to levels of nerve growth factor (NGF), a chemical believed to be involved in the formation of new bonds.
In new relationships, participants experienced a spike of NGF; after about a year, however, their NGF levels were comparable to those of single people. In other words, even in the best relationships, that first wave of passion starts to fade over time. If you never felt that spark with your partner, that’s good news, in a sense, since you’re not really missing out on anything after about a year or so.
https://twitter.com/justahuman2b/status/987760171584802816
So to recap: Love (or the romantic feelings we associate with new love) is just a chemical, and the vast majority of people don’t marry their true love. Every Disney movie is a lie, and you’ll never marry into royalty.
That’s the bad news, but stay with us on this. It gets less depressing from here.

We also know that the security of a marriage can make people happier.

The good news is that—at least in most Western societies—a strong marriage can be enormously beneficial for your overall happiness, and factors like communication and flexibility are far more important than a storybook romance.

A 2017 paper found that married people reported higher life satisfaction than their single contemporaries, and a 2018 study found that couples became happier with their marriages over time, with happiness peaking around the 20-year mark. In other words, if you’re able to stay with the same person and put in the work, the relationship will likely improve over time.
And we’ve got plenty of research to show that marriages and other close relationships have a positive influence on overall health. The moral: If you want to live a healthy, happy, goal-driven life, find a suitable partner and start building your relationship.

“When we gathered together everything we knew about them about at age 50, it wasn’t their middle-age cholesterol levels that predicted how they were going to grow old—it was how satisfied they were in their relationships,” said psychiatrist Robert Waldinger in a popular TED Talk. Waldinger directed the Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest studies of adult life ever performed. “The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.”

So what really makes for a happy marriage?

Building a [linkbuilder id=”6740″ text=”happy marriage”] isn’t complicated, but it isn’t easy, either. You don’t need a perfect partner; you need a good friend with a decent work ethic and a sense of empathy.
[pullquote align=”center”]”There’s a common misconception that relationships are always 50-50, and that’s not the case. Sometimes it’s 80-20 or 60-40. What matters at the end of the day is that trust and commitment are present.”
—Alisha Powell, PhD, licensed clinical social worker[/pullquote]
For starters, you should have a partner who’s willing to work as hard as you. Generally speaking, marriages are stronger when both partners share roles and responsibilities. The National Survey of Marital Strengths found that role sharing is of “growing importance” in marriage satisfaction, so if you’d characterize your current relationship as unequal, it’s time to make a change.

However, Powell says that building an equal relationship doesn’t always mean splitting up chore lists; it’s more about understanding one another and applying consistent effort towards the relationship itself.
“There’s a common misconception that relationships are always 50-50, and that’s not the case,” she notes. “Sometimes, it’s 80-20 or 60-40. What matters at the end of the day is that trust and commitment are present. It takes a lot of work, and each partner has to decide every day that they want to be with the other person. It’s fun and can be fulfilling, but it also requires dedication. Tough times will either draw you closer to your partner or push you further away from them.”

Powell recommends looking for a few key characteristics in your potential lifemate. If your relationship is healthy from the start, you won’t have to do as much work to keep the marriage healthy.
“Mutual respect, shared goals and values, trust, and commitment [are] factors that are present in every successful and healthy relationship,” she says. “Each couple has to decide what works for them and act accordingly. Communication about areas of disagreement is also important and should be free of defensiveness and criticism in order to maintain a healthy relationship.”

Yeah, yeah, we know; at this point, everyone knows communication is important. Still, research backs that up, and the National Survey of Marriage Strengths found that communication, flexibility, closeness, and conflict resolution—in that order—are the most effective categories for predicting marriage strength. Note that “complete and total perfection” isn’t one of the categories.

Relationships take work. That’s why “settling” isn’t always settling.

Sure, you could wait around for the perfect person to sweep you off of your feet, but you’re going to be waiting for quite a while—and even if you find someone who checks all of the boxes, you’re still going to have to put in the work.

Sometimes, it’s (gasp) better to settle for someone who checks most of those boxes. They might have a few annoying habits, and they might not find themselves modeling underwear anytime soon, but that’s not what makes a relationship worthwhile anyway.
[pullquote align=”center”]”It’s not outdated to expect to be attracted to your partner. It’s just possible that it may not be at first sight. We all might want those initial butterflies—but they may come over time.”
—Alisha Powell, PhD, licensed clinical social worker[/pullquote]
“It’s important to remember that everyone has baggage,” says Powell, “and whether it’s from [linkbuilder id=”6741″ text=”past relationships”] or from childhood, it still exists. It’s important to look for ways to grow with your partner and learn how to support each other. Consider where you want to be as a person long-term, and decide if the person you’re with is complementary to your goals and aspirations. Don’t be afraid to have conversations about sensitive topics, and be honest about how you feel without being accusatory.”
Maybe “settling” is the wrong term. Powell says building a healthy relationship simply means taking the time to look past your partner’s faults and to work with them on building your relationship. We’d call that “foundation building.” That sounds nicer, right?

And before we receive thousands of angry emails, we’d like to make this point clear: Settling certainly doesn’t mean starting a long-term relationship with someone who doesn’t interest you in the slightest. You should have a mutual attraction, even if you never felt a spark during the early days of your courtship.
“It’s not outdated to expect to be attracted to your partner,” Powell says, “It’s just possible that it may not be at first sight. We all might want those initial butterflies—but they may come over time. And you want your partner to also be attracted to you. It’s important to recognize when you are not attracted to someone in any way and [to] not force something that will never happen.”

With that said, instead of waiting for perfection, learn to look past the occasional flaw. Look for someone who communicates effectively—someone who’s stable, kind, and ready to work with you. That approach helps you build a love that’s far stronger and more rewarding than that first spark of attraction. Real love takes much more work than you’d see in any 90-minute rom-com, and that’s love, actually.

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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

The Problem With YouTube: Protecting Kids From A Bizarre, Dangerous Trend

Post author By HealthyWay Staff Writer
Post date July 11, 2018

Parents, we need to talk about YouTube.
With over a billion users, YouTube’s audience includes nearly one-third of all of the people on the internet. By any measure, the site’s an excellent entertainment resource—for adults.
For kids, it’s problematic. We’re not talking about mature videos, intended for adults, that children might accidentally stumble onto while looking for something to watch; we’re talking about disturbing, shocking videos purposely created for children. Some of those videos are capable of traumatizing children, and if you allow your kids to browse the site unsupervised, you’re taking a significant risk.

Here’s a basic overview of the problem: YouTube uses various algorithms to match search terms to appropriate videos. Type in a search term like, “how to cut a dog’s hair,” and the site will provide you with a list of (relatively) high-quality instructional videos; if one of those videos is subpar, poor user ratings will eventually drive that clip from the search results.

While YouTube (and Google, which owns YouTube) keeps its search algorithm factors a secret, we know that likes, dislikes, video length, and exact-match keywords play a significant role. That last point is crucial: If a video matches the exact keywords you type into the search bar, it’ll have a better chance of showing up on your search results.

For the most part, the system works great—for adults.

Children, however, don’t know how to search for content like adults.
When younger kids look for videos on YouTube, they’re often typing in a few simple keywords and clicking on the first interesting clip that comes up. They don’t know how to like or dislike videos, and they don’t mind sitting through longer content.
They also don’t recognize video titles that flagrantly take advantage of YouTube’s search algorithm. That makes them easy prey for content creators.

For instance, if an adult searches “how to cut a dog’s hair” and finds a video titled, “cut dog hair how to cut dog hair cut golden retriever hair dog barber,” the adult will probably recognize that the video is trying to trick people into clicking; a toddler wouldn’t draw the same conclusion.
That brings us to the problem. YouTube’s algorithm currently rewards videos that steal copyrighted characters, use crass titles, and contain shocking content. If the clips keep young kids clicking, they’re valuable—regardless of whether the content itself is harmful.
Take a look at this clip:
https://youtu.be/lfwxfQoobiA
Titled, “Disney Pixar Coco 2 Miguel Hector Wrong Heads Finger family Nursery Rhymes song,” it’s a relatively harmless (if slightly disturbing) example of the problem. It’s clearly designed for extremely young viewers, and at over 10 minutes long, it has probably made some decent money for its creator (the YouTube channel Super Story).
With that said, it steals copyrighted content and purposely exploits YouTube’s algorithm to do so.
That video we linked currently has more than 3.6 million views. Super Story has dozens of similar videos, most of which have tens of thousands of views.

Another video (which we won’t link here and have reported to YouTube) has a similarly exploitative title, but with a lewd keyword hashtag. It contains violent, bizarre content, including Mickey Mouse fighting while dressed up as various Marvel superheroes. It’s over 35 minutes long.
While these examples are strange, we’re just scratching the surface. Other clips include explicit sexual content, bad language, and depictions of violent acts. We’re not linking those videos for obvious reasons.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Eh8WQfwDnk
Unfortunately, they’re fairly easy to find, and thanks to YouTube’s current algorithm, they’re extremely profitable for content creators. For a much more detailed look at the content algorithm issues, check out this excellent piece from James Bridle of Medium.

YouTube claims to have taken steps to curb the problem.

In August 2017, the site said it wouldn’t allow creators to make money from videos that “made inappropriate use of family-friendly characters,” and three months later, YouTube announced stricter controls for videos aimed at young children. The company claimed the new controls had been in development for some time and said that they were not introduced in response to widespread media coverage.

However, the problem hasn’t disappeared. While researching this article, we easily found over a dozen disturbing videos that were clearly marketed toward young children. Some of the videos were over a year old. Some had millions of views.
We reported the offensive links to YouTube, and will not link to those clips in this article, but parents who want to understand the extent of the issue can do so by adding a few offensive terms to kid-friendly search strings (for instance, “finger family,” or “nursery rhymes”).

This isn’t to say that YouTube isn’t taking action, but thousands of videos exist, and they don’t disappear from search results after they’re de-monetized. While YouTube’s strategy could eventually curb the problem, it relies on volunteer moderators and adults who can flag offensive videos before kids get a chance to see them.
For parents, that’s not good enough.

To keep your kids safe, here’s what you need to do.

The obvious answer is to prevent kids from using YouTube and to thoroughly monitor screen time until kids are old enough to understand how to use the website responsibly.
[pullquote align=”center”]”If parents decide to [use parental controls], it is okay to discuss with the child why these steps are being taken. Kids need to know there are dangers online parents are responsible for preventing.”
—Támara Hill, licensed child and adolescent therapist[/pullquote]
Practically, that’s something many parents have trouble with; children can become remarkably tech-savvy, as any mom who’s ever given her 4-year-old an iPad has quickly learned. Still, creating limits is absolutely crucial to ensuring your child’s developmental health.

“Children having unlimited access to the World Wide Web is like having your front door open to your home, and YouTube can be a highway to the danger zone,” says Gretchen Campbell, a licensed professional counselor specializing in parent-child relationships (and, apparently, metaphors).
Campbell recommends restricting access to YouTube on any computers, tablets, smartphones, and other devices preteen children use.

“YouTube offers an option to apply a ‘restricted mode’ and lock its settings,” she notes. “This feature attempts to prohibit your child from viewing material that has been marked as inappropriate by the YouTube community. This, however, is not a guarantee that your child won’t be exposed to content that you don’t approve of, but it is an additional step that parents can take.”
YouTube also offers YouTube Kids, a mobile app designed to make browsing safer for children. It gives parents easier access to controls, but YouTube admits that it’s a work in progress.
“We use a mix of filters, user feedback and human reviewers to keep the videos in YouTube Kids family friendly,” the company says on its app’s website. “But no system is perfect and inappropriate videos can slip through, so we’re constantly working to improve our safeguards and offer more features to help parents create the right experience for their families.”

More importantly, parents should establish clear limits to electronic time for preteens.

“Set a time where [your child] can utilize their devices, preferably a time where the parent is available to check in on what they’re doing,” Campbell says. “Establish ground rules … Kids know when they’re viewing something that their parent wouldn’t approve of and will always test the limits when given the opportunity.”

Campbell recommends establishing clear consequences for broken rules, noting those consequences should be directly related to screen time. That helps establish the connection between the bad habits and the consequence. For instance, if kids watch a video without telling the parent, the parent might take away screen time for a day or week.

To make sure younger kids don’t stray into dangerous parts of the web, parents should check browser histories and use mobile apps designed to limit access.
“Parents can monitor a child’s access to inappropriate material by downloading apps such as Screen Time Parental Control,” says Támara Hill, a licensed child and adolescent therapist specializing in trauma. “These apps make it possible for parents to monitor and locate content on iPads and cellphones.”
Again, these apps aren’t completely foolproof, but they can serve as an additional deterrent.

“If parents decide to do this, it is okay to discuss with the child why these steps are being taken,” Hill adds. “Kids need to know there are dangers online parents are responsible for preventing.”

Another crucial tip: Don’t wait to establish guidelines.

If kids are old enough to use a smartphone or tablet, they’re old enough to follow the rules.
[pullquote align=”center”]”If you don’t allow kids to educate you to their social media worlds, how can we prevent the dangers of it? We can’t.”
—Gretchen Campbell, licensed professional counselor[/pullquote]
“It’s important that parents practice setting parameters around all social media as soon as possible so that kids will understand the consequences of accessing inappropriate materials online,” Hill says.

Finally, realize that your child can help you identify (and avoid) questionable material. Keep communicating, and ask what they enjoy watching. Watch the occasional video with your child, and, if necessary, guide them toward higher-quality content from established brands (for example, Disney operates several YouTube channels, which are carefully curated for audiences of all ages).
“When I meet with families struggling with managing their child’s social media access, especially YouTube access, I often encourage them to let their children educate them to the YouTube influencers they are following and the types of videos they find funny or interesting,” Campbell says.

“I have had many sessions with kids where the majority of our conversation is about YouTube influencers and why they are interesting. During these conversations, I have learned of inappropriate and disturbing content that needed to be discussed in the open. If you don’t allow kids to educate you to their social media worlds, how can we prevent the dangers of it? We can’t.”

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Healthy Relationships Wellbeing

What A Narcissist Says (And What They Really Mean)

Post author By HealthyWay Staff Writer
Post date July 6, 2018

Narcissism is, by most estimations, a rare disorder. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, about 0.5 to 1 percent of people are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
However, many psychologists believe narcissism is on the rise; the American Psychological Association notes that one major 2008 study found that 9.4 percent of Americans in their 20s had experienced NPD at some point in their lives (compared to a relatively paltry 3.2 percent of people over 65).

Regardless, if you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist, you know one experience is more than enough.
“People with NPD tend to belittle others in a way that positions themselves as the greater or more important person in their relationships,” says clinical psychologist Sal Raichbach, PsyD, a licensed clinical social worker and chief of clinical compliance at Ambrosia Treatment Center. “In doing this, they can take advantage of those who have more passive personalities and exercise control over that person. Being able to control and manipulate others reinforces the narcissist’s perception that they are all-important.”

To be clear, nobody should try to diagnose narcissism without proper training, and because NPD is a spectrum, some people might display narcissistic behaviors without actually having the disorder.
With that said, narcissists often communicate in similar ways, and by recognizing certain behaviors, you may be able to curb their influence (or better yet, avoid them entirely).

What they say: “You’re absolutely perfect. I don’t deserve you.”

In romantic relationships, narcissists typically go to great lengths to make their partners feel special. That sounds wonderful—and in many cases, it feels pretty great.

“When I first met my partner, I was swept off my feet, as cliché as that sounds,” says Amber, a 28-year-old woman who says she dated a man with narcissistic tendencies for several years. “Everything was about me. The compliments were glowing, and I didn’t notice anything unpleasant or unusual.”

Unfortunately, that stage of the relationship doesn’t typically last long.
“In a new relationship, a narcissist can appear like an incredibly charming, kind, and [linkbuilder id=”6701″ text=”intelligent person”],” Raichbach says. “These personality traits, whether they are real or manufactured, are a part of their manipulation strategy. Once they have established a relationship, they begin to show their true selves and adjust their manipulating tactics to bullying and belittling others.”

What they say: “Here, I got you something…”

“He gave me gifts throughout the relationship,” Amber says. “That’s something I miss! But in all seriousness, some of [the gifts] seemed overwhelming. We’d only been dating for a few weeks when he got me this tablet that easily cost $500. I chalked it up to his generosity. Looking back, it was a warning sign.”

While narcissists might employ a variety of behaviors to woo potential mates, gift-giving seems particularly common—and particularly problematic. A 2016 study found three primary motivations for gift-giving in romantic relationships: intrinsic (in other words, simply showing that a partner is appreciated), maintenance (keeping the relationship going), and power (gaining an advantage over the partner). Narcissists were more likely to give gifts for maintenance or power.

“Our results suggest that narcissistic individuals critically differ from those with high self-esteem in their tendency to consider gift giving an instrumental act,” the study’s authors wrote.
In other words, because narcissists typically have low self-esteem, they’re more likely to see gift-giving as a necessary activity. Obviously, that’s not a great basis for a healthy relationship.

“Narcissists will go to any lengths to get ‘in’ with a person before they begin to show their true colors,” Raichbach explains. “Excessive flattery, gift-giving, and over-the-top kindness are common at the beginning stages of a relationship with a narcissist. However, this isn’t always the case, and sometimes other people are attracted to narcissists because of their intelligence or personality.”
In any case, the good times don’t last.

What they say: “I’m the victim here.”

In a conflict, a narcissist will often try to flip the discussion. The other person might hear something like:
“Yeah, but what about the time you….”
“You do it, too.”
“I only did that because you….”
In each case, the takeaway is the same: The narcissist’s bad behavior isn’t really their fault. How could it be? They’re nearly perfect.

“Even if the argument wasn’t a big deal, he’d make it a big deal,” Amber says. “He was incapable of saying, ‘Sorry, my bad. Let’s move on.’ If I brought up something, he’d counter with something that I did. I’ve been in plenty of relationships where the occasional argument strayed into that territory—with [my partner] bringing up my issues—but with him, it was something else.”

We weren’t able to speak with Amber’s partner for this piece, but his actions are in line with typical narcissistic behaviors.
“To manipulate and control others, narcissists will often play the role of the victim,” Raichbach explains. “When another person objects to their behavior, they will turn the situation around and act like they are the one that is being mistreated or misunderstood. If the other party feels guilty, they are less likely to challenge the controlling nature of the narcissist and allow them to continue influencing their decisions.”

Similarly, narcissists often project their own faults onto their partners. That can make for some frustrating arguments.
“Projection occurs when an individual attributes a characteristic that they see in themselves onto another person,” Raichbach says. “It’s a defense mechanism that is used by narcissists, most often after they have suffered some blow to their ego. By shifting the blame from themselves onto another person, they both feel better about themselves and have fuel to continue their narcissistic behaviors.”

What they say: “You should be ashamed about…”

As a narcissist becomes more comfortable in a relationship, he (or she, but statistically speaking, most narcissists are male) will often key in on his partner’s insecurities. This is often the point where the non-narcissist realizes something’s wrong.
“Bullying and demeaning others is a favorite manipulation tactic of narcissists,” Raichbach says. “Often, narcissists will get to know you well enough that they can target the insecurities that they know have the most effect. They also might attempt to conceal or downplay the severity of their abuse by including compliments with their attacks.”

Some research (link opens a PDF) suggests that men use insults as a broader strategy of mate retention—in other words, insults are sometimes an effective (but by no means healthy) part of relationship maintenance.
Amber says that’s what’s so frustrating about these tactics; ultimately, narcissists use them because they work.
[pullquote align=”center”]“The best way to deal with a narcissist is to recognize and accept their criticism and bullying comes from a place of insecurity, and therefore isn’t valid.”
—Sal Raichbach, PsyD[/pullquote]
“He really damaged my self-esteem,” she says. “He knew what made me self-conscious, and he wasn’t above using my insecurities to his advantage. But I stayed with him—in fact, it took me a while to date anyone else after our relationship ended. I didn’t think I was good enough. I guess I can blame him for that.”

What they say: “I’m sorry. I’m going to change. It won’t happen again.”

At this point, we should acknowledge an important point: Narcissists aren’t sociopaths. They’re typically capable of empathy, and when they realize they’ve made a mistake, they may offer a sincere apology.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean you should accept that apology.

“Narcissists live in a world where everything revolves around them, and as a result, they put their needs first,” Raichbach says. “Someone who is in a relationship with a narcissist, whether that be a romantic relationship, a friendship, or a co-worker, should know that they are not going to be able to fix or change that person’s behavior.”
While apologies might sound convincing, they’re worthless without real change, and narcissists aren’t always capable of changing on their own. That’s not to say that the situation is entirely hopeless, but be careful when approaching a person with narcissistic tendencies; don’t use terms like “narcissist,” and try to empathize with the motivations behind their actions.
“When approaching a narcissist about their behavior, it’s best to tread lightly when expressing your concern,” Raichbach says. “It’s important to realize that this kind of behavior comes from a place of insecurity and low self-esteem, and will typically become defensive when someone tries to call out their narcissistic behaviors.”

“The best way to deal with a narcissist is to recognize and accept their criticism and bullying comes from a place of insecurity, and therefore isn’t valid,” he adds. “The narcissist only wins when an individual believes that they are inferior to that individual.”
If you really want to help a person with narcissistic behaviors, try to gently guide them toward therapy. Consider relationship counseling with a trained, certified psychologist who may be able to recognize the [linkbuilder id=”6700″ text=”signs of narcissism”].

Of course, there’s always another option: You could simply end the relationship. If your partner isn’t prepared to get help, that’s sometimes the only realistic course of action.
“Narcissists can get better through therapy, but typically they are resistant to treatment because they do not recognize their behavior as a problem,” Raichbach says. “The only way for a person with narcissistic tendencies to get help is to want it themselves.”

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Healthy Relationships Wellbeing

Homewreckers? Inside The Mind Of The "Other Woman" In An Affair

Post author By HealthyWay Staff Writer
Post date June 28, 2018

“I didn’t think of myself as the type of person who’d be the ‘other woman.’ I wouldn’t cheat, either. It was a point of pride for me.”
Samantha (not her real name, for reasons that will become obvious) was 26 years old, and her life was on the right track. She was living in a small St. Louis apartment, she had a decent job, and she regularly hung out with the same small group of friends. On paper, everything in her life was going well.

Then, something changed.
“I didn’t expect it or plan it, but yeah, it happened,” she recalls. “The worst thing I’ve ever done, no question.”
After a party, Samantha slept with a friend’s husband. A week later, she did it again. Soon, she was part of an affair; she was “the other woman.”

Her story certainly isn’t uncommon.

While it’s hard to find trustworthy statistics about cheating—surveys rely on self-reporting, and many cheaters don’t admit to their affairs—some research indicates that it’s remarkably common. The Washington Post referenced the work of researcher Shere Hite, who found that 70 percent of married women and 72 percent of married men admitted to cheating on their spouses. Other studies put the number much lower, but even going by conservative statistics, we can safely say that infidelity isn’t unusual.

Inconsistency can ruin a relationship just as infidelity and dishonesty

— Alycia West (@paperdoll713) June 17, 2018

However, people don’t usually talk about their role in an affair—not without the cover of a nice, anonymous nickname. There’s an obvious reason for that: It’s not a fun conversation.
“When you asked me to talk about it, I kind of wanted to punch you,” Samantha tells us.
We’ve known Samantha for a while; it’s not a serious threat. We, uh, think.
“But another part of me wanted to talk about it. So, yeah, let’s talk about it.”

First, we want to make this clear: Generally speaking, Samantha is not a woman of poor character (and no, she didn’t ask us to say that). The point she wants to get across in telling her story is that romance is complicated, people aren’t always predictable, and—most importantly—cheating sucks for pretty much everyone involved.
https://twitter.com/lSpeakQuote/status/1009726753823223808
“I’ve moved on, but it’s still something I think about from time to time,” she says. “I’m not proud of myself. And everyone seems to know about it—[screw] you for bringing it up, by the way.”

We asked Samantha to tell us about the night the affair started.

[Editorial note: With her consent, we’re changing the details of Samantha’s story significantly to ensure her anonymity.]
She was hanging out with friends—including the married man, who we’ll call Paul—at her own apartment. Paul’s wife, Laura, wasn’t there.

“She was a friend of mine from high school,” Samantha says. “I wouldn’t say a really close friend, but I saw her, like, more than a couple times a month.”
She didn’t know Paul nearly as well.
“I didn’t even invite him, and I certainly wasn’t planning on [anything happening],” she says. “I wasn’t really into him. He was cute, but I was at their wedding, so he wasn’t on my radar.”

The rest of the scene played out like something from a terrible movie. One at a time, Samantha’s friends left. Eventually, she was alone with Paul, and he asked to stay over.
“He said he wasn’t okay to drive, and I’ve always had an open-couch policy,” she says. “I really don’t think he was planning on anything. He had his issues, but he, uh, wasn’t capable of thinking that far ahead. That’s the nice way of putting it. …But we kept talking, and we connected, I guess.”

The next day, the reality of the situation started to set in. She had betrayed the trust of one of her friends—and it wouldn’t be the last time. For the next two months, the affair continued.

As for why it started, Samantha doesn’t know.

“I’ve read stories online where women said they were empowered by being the ‘other woman,’ or that it taught them about who they were,” Samantha says. “That wasn’t my experience. After the first night, everything got worse, every single day.”
[pullquote align=”center”]”I felt okay when I was with him, because it was someone I could share this messed-up experience with. That seemed like love to me, I guess.”[/pullquote]
She still felt drawn to Paul, and while they were together, she felt almost normal.
“He said he was still in love with her, and I believed him—he had no reason to just say that,” she says. “But I thought that I was in love, too.”

Today, she says she was just confused.
“I felt okay when I was with him, because it was someone I could share this messed-up experience with,” she says. “That seemed like love to me, I guess. Or maybe it didn’t seem like I was doing something bad if I could say, ‘Well, I’m in love, so it’s okay.’”
That’s a common sentiment among cheaters, and while Samantha isn’t technically a cheater, per se, her impulse is understandable. A 2013 psychological study found that unfaithful people tend to trivialize their actions to minimize feelings of guilt. However, Samantha says that cognitive dissonance didn’t help her much in the long run.
“I knew it was wrong the whole time,” she says. “I’m not a dramatic person, I don’t go looking for big, dramatic blowouts, but I wanted one to happen. I couldn’t sleep, and I had serious stomach issues. I wanted it all to end, even when I didn’t.”

Things came to a head, appropriately, after another long night of partying.
“I wasn’t completely in my right mind, and I called Laura,” Samantha says. “I was honest. I was way too honest. I don’t know what I expected, or if I even expected anything, but she told me she knew, and she said a few things that broke my heart.”

Over the next several weeks, Samantha dealt with the fallout.

That meant hearing from friends. Some didn’t want to hear from Samantha; others gave her honest feedback.
“People blame you. I didn’t hear words like ‘homewrecker’ outside my own head, but I know people were thinking it. It decimated my group of friends, and honestly, that’s what needed to happen.”

Confronted with her actions, Samantha made some changes. She quit her job, moved to her parents’ house for a while, and took time to reflect on her choices. She also lost a few friends—and she notes that Paul didn’t seem to get the same treatment.
“I do feel like Paul got more sympathy from our friends,” she says. “I don’t know if it was because he was a [man], or if it was just that ‘homewrecker’ trope, but people treated him differently.”
At first, she said it didn’t bother her; later in our interview, she admitted that it was a big deal.
“Really, that hurt more than almost anything,” she says. “He barely knew some of our friends. We made the same exact mistake—the same thing, except I didn’t break a f****** vow—and they were able to forgive him, but not me. But maybe there are other reasons, I don’t know. I don’t really blame anyone.”

That’s not to say Paul got off scot-free. After seeking counseling, his wife asked for a divorce. Samantha says she lost touch with him after that.
“Once everything was out in the open, I had no interest in continuing it,” she says. “It was like a spell was broken. I realized that I wasn’t really ready to be in a relationship with anybody, let alone a relationship that complicated.”

We had to ask: Does she want forgiveness from Laura?

“Well, yeah,” she says, “but it’s not coming. And that’s just how it is. Maybe if she wasn’t married … but, no, I can’t start looking for ways to justify it. Even this [interview] is a little too much. I don’t want her finding out about this.”
[pullquote align=”center”]”I thought at the time it was going somewhere or I’d learn something about myself or the guilt would eventually go away. It doesn’t.”[/pullquote]
It’s been five years since the affair, and Samantha’s in a good place. She volunteers for charitable causes, she has new friends, and she’s more comfortable with herself as a person. We ask whether the affair helped with that process in some way.
“I don’t want to give a mistake that much credit,” she says. “I mean, we’re made from our mistakes, but I can’t say, ‘Oh, that was a great idea since I learned so much,’ or whatever. That would be stupid. It wasn’t a trip to a [psychiatrist], it was a series of bad decisions. No bueno.”
We asked Samantha whether she has any advice for women (or men, for that matter) who find themselves in the same situation.

“I guess just be on your guard,” she says. “What I know now—I thought at the time it was going somewhere or I’d learn something about myself or the guilt would eventually go away. It doesn’t. And if I’d known that it was something I was capable of, I would have been on my guard. I would have made sure that I didn’t do something that stupid.”
Granted, some “other women” have their affairs and go on with their lives without feeling a shred of guilt; others are more like Samantha. Every story is different, but they all start with the same type of betrayal.
“The fact that you’re calling it ‘cheating,’ that you used that word, that [implies] a broken trust,” she says. “I don’t think it’s ever really something positive. Even if it feels right at the time.”

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Wellbeing

A Real-Life Sleeping Beauty (And What Most People Get Wrong About Epilepsy)

Post author By HealthyWay Staff Writer
Post date June 27, 2018

Emily Rowland’s boyfriend calls her “Sleeping Beauty.”
It’s a term of affection, sure, but it’s also a soft way of explaining her condition; Rowland often sleeps upward of 20 hours per day. She sometimes falls asleep while getting dressed for school, and she’s prone to frequent staring spells.
Her mother, Brandi, helps with everyday tasks, but Emily is coming to terms with the idea that she’ll never have the life of an average teenager. For Brandi, it’s a heartbreaking experience.

“There is nothing harder than watching your child suffer physically and emotionally and not be able to do anything about it,” she wrote on a GoFundMe page she organized to cover some of her daughter’s medical expenses.
“Please continue to pray for all of us as this has been a long, heart-wrenching journey and we still have a long road ahead of us,” she continued. “There is no cure. We can only hope to find a better way to manage these conditions.”

Emily has several rare brain disorders, including an extreme form of epilepsy (her exact diagnoses include “Focal seizures with loss of consciousness with rapid generalization, epileptic encephalopathy and Electrical Status Epilepticcus in Sleep,” per the crowdfunding page). Her epilepsy is in all four lobes of her brain.
Brandi wrote, “[Emily’s] brain misfires more than 80 percent of her life even during sleep and devoid of triggers and stimulants.”

To a layperson, Emily’s symptoms might not seem like epilepsy.

Her case is extreme, but the symptoms don’t seem like the classic convulsions that most people associate with epilepsy disorders. After all, Emily is typically completely still during her seizures; to a stranger, she’d seem like a perfectly healthy girl.
In fact, her own family didn’t think anything of her early symptoms until her constant sleepiness started causing problems at school.

“[At the beginning of her illness], she started to get really sleepy,” Brandi said. “Emily had always suffered on road trips but we thought it was normal car sickness. It was only with hindsight that we now recognize that these things were all connected.”
Before researching this piece, we’d always thought of epileptic seizures as big, dramatic events with convulsions, fainting, and other impossible-to-miss symptoms. That’s not the case—epilepsy isn’t a single disorder, but rather a range of disorders, and symptoms can vary considerably from person to person.

Epilepsy sucks so much , not being able to control your body , your voice , anything you try doesn’t work at all and all I ask is, why?

— Jared (@JaredMJoyner) June 26, 2018

“It’s a varied presentation across the population,” neurologist Jose Vega, MD, PhD, tells HealthyWay. “People think that a seizure is always a convulsion. They don’t realize the broad range of symptoms you can experience when you have a seizure.”

To understand epilepsy, it’s helpful to understand seizures.

According to the Epilepsy Foundation, a seizure can be defined as a “sudden surge of electrical activity in the brain.” That burst of electricity can affect how a person acts for a short time—in Emily’s case, it initially caused periods of inattentiveness and sleepiness, along with headaches and other minor symptoms.

“A common [seizure symptom] is just a moment of inattention,” Vega says. “People may think that they are simply being inattentive or that they’re absent-minded about something. People around them might look at them, and they look completely normal [during the seizure].”
“But the patient might do that throughout the day on a regular basis and they think that they’re just being inattentive—and when you do an EEG on these people, you might find that those moments of inattention are actually moments of seizures, something called absence seizures.”

Dozens of other symptoms are possible depending on the part of the brain affected by epilepsy.

Part of the reason Emily’s case is so unusual is that all four lobes are affected; normally, the effect is confined to a much smaller part of the brain, and symptoms are less severe. In fact, from the patient’s perspective, epileptic seizure symptoms might seem like physical issues.

“A strange taste in the mouth or moments of fear [or] anxiety—these might be seizures, arising from the temporal lobe,” Vega says. “Motor movements can also be seizures. Sometimes, something as simple as a muscle spasm—almost like charley horse—can actually be a symptom of a seizure.”
[pullquote align=”center”]”People might not think about them, thinking that they’re just absent-minded, and then someone finally convinces them to see a doctor. Well, it’s been 10 years, and maybe they’ve missed out [on] opportunities at life because of the condition.”
—Jose Vega, MD, PhD on common symptoms of seizures [/pullquote]
Even something like a feeling of déjà vu can be a symptom of an epileptic disorder. Any unusual neurological symptoms that occur more than once deserve attention from a physician, particularly if they seem disorienting.
“[With epilepsy] in the parietal lobe, for example, you can have these experiences where you feel either a sensory experience or something related to your position in space,” Vega says. “So you may have that sort of feeling that you’re outside of your body or somewhere else.”

“If you have something in the occipital cortex, where the vision is processed in the brain, those seizures tend to give you visual issues—hallucinations—which can be very vivid. You might simply see things changing color, or the visual experience may be altered so that people look very small or very large. These can be seizures too.”
Vega says the most common signs that people miss include the aforementioned periods of inattentiveness, along with strange metallic tastes and muscle jerks.
https://twitter.com/ChloeCartwrigh/status/882761900500668416
“Some of these subtle symptoms tend to be ignored,” he says. “People might not think about them, thinking that they’re just absent-minded, and then someone finally convinces them to see a doctor. Well, it’s been 10 years, and maybe they’ve missed out [on] opportunities at life because of the condition. So it’s very important to get these things analyzed, and if necessary, treated.”

Because some symptoms are extremely minor, even neurologists have trouble identifying them.

“Even with a single patient, you can have a whole variety of different kinds of seizures,” Vega says. “And even if someone knows about epilepsy, they may misinterpret some of their own symptoms as being something normal when they’re actually experiencing a seizure.”

So…I went to the doctor.

He says the staring and walking spells are either dissociation or partial-complex seizures, but that I should talk to my neuro doctor.

He also recommended me discuss getting on a new medicine.

G r e a t.

— Zelda Aurora Jeanne Gabriel (@ZeldaAGabriel) June 20, 2018

Vega tells us about one particularly notable case of a missed diagnosis.
“I was in Honduras, and I was speaking to this physician who was on vacation,” he recalls. “I noticed that whenever as I was speaking to him, he would come back and ask me the same question, maybe once or twice after I had already visited that subject. That made me think that he could have seizures, and I told him about it.”

If you’re paying attention, you already know where this story is going.
“He had it investigated later on. Long story short, he has partial seizures. And he told me how difficult it was for him to get through school—and, you know, this is a physician in medical school. Even his own peers and professors didn’t catch it. Even physicians might miss it.”

If you experience any unusual symptoms, here’s what to do.

In case it’s not clear, we’ll put this out there: You absolutely cannot self-diagnose epilepsy, even if you’ve got a slew of degrees under your belt. In fact, your primary care physician may be unable to diagnose seizures unless the symptoms are relatively obvious.
We also don’t want to make anyone panic; many of the symptoms mentioned in this article can also apply to dozens of other conditions that are completely unrelated to epilepsy. A charley horse, for example, might just mean that you need to eat a few bananas for potassium. With that said, if you have spells of inattentiveness, strange muscle contractions, or any of the other symptoms of a seizure, keep track of them.

“Whenever you have these spells, I would make note of them,” Vega says. “I would actually log them somewhere and come up with a timeline for when they’re happening. [Write down] what time, how the spells are happening, how they’re affecting you, things like that.”
“But you should be attuned to abnormal symptoms in yourself. If you don’t track them by logging them somewhere, you may just completely ignore them and not realize how often they’re happening.”

Most importantly, if you have symptoms, see a physician as soon as possible—preferably a neurologist who specializes in epilepsy.
“Neurologists are much more tuned in to the subtleties of diagnosing epilepsy,” Vega says. “If you cannot get to a neurologist directly because you need to be referred, then obviously go to your primary doctor. But if you have access to a neurologist right away—I think that would be a very reasonable thing to do.”

Vega says that, in most cases, epileptic disorders are quite treatable. Most respond well to medication, and when surgery is required, it’s often successful.
Unfortunately, that’s not true in Emily’s case. For the past seven years, she’s tried both traditional and non-traditional treatments, but her condition has continued to worsen. Currently, her family is hoping to purchase a VNS device, a surgical implant that may help manage her seizures.

“It’s hard to put into words how scary it is,” Brandi told The Daily Mail. “She can sleep for days, and will need to be put onto a [medical] drip as she is not getting the food and water she needs. When she is awake, she puts her best foot forward, despite how sick she is and always puts others before herself.”
“The hardest part is watching the life I had planned slip away,” Emily told the tabloid. “But I will never give up.”
[Editorial note: To donate to Emily’s medical expenses, visit her GoFundMe page here.]

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Gym x Studio Sweat

8 Incredible Medicine Ball Exercises To Add To Your Next Workout

Post author By HealthyWay Staff Writer
Post date June 26, 2018

If you’re looking for a way to switch up your strength training, medicine balls might be the answer. By adding new types of intuitive yet challenging movement to your workout routine, medicine balls let you build balance, coordination, and most importantly, strength.
Studies show that regular strength training lowers the risk of type 2 diabetes and cardiovascular disease in women, and while few studies have looked at medicine balls specifically, the ones we’ve found indicate that medicine balls are at least as effective (and possibly more effective) than free weights.
“With the medicine ball, there are tons of exercises to work on your abs, your stamina, your strength, and your explosive power,” says Vanessa Gebhardt, a training specialist at Freeletics. “For some athletes who are used to training in the gym, doing bodyweight exercises, or running, training with a medicine ball is a very good way to strengthen the core and all the small muscles we normally don’t use.”
“It’s the explosive and rotational movements of the upper body where medicine ball training can really shine, and these moves are relatively safe as long as you’re keeping good form,” says Tyler Spraul, National Strength and Conditioning Association Certified Strength and Conditioning Specialist and head trainer at Exercise.com. “They might be a little too risky, though, if you’re just getting started with strength training and don’t have the watchful eye of an experienced coach to keep an eye on your technique and give you pointers.”

We spoke with trainers to find out how to use medicine balls safely and effectively. As we learned, medicine ball workouts aren’t too intimidating, and with proper attention to form, they can be an incredibly fun way to build strength.

Staying Safe During Your Medicine Ball Workout: Form Is Everything

While medicine balls are perfectly safe when used correctly, the key word is “correctly.” As with so many types of exercise, poor form can easily lead to an injury.
“It’s easy to overlook the challenge that medicine balls can bring, but they can be deceptively tough because we’re used to throwing around much lighter things like footballs and basketballs,” Spraul says. “This is another reason to pay attention to your form, paying special attention to your hips and low back!”
“If you’re getting into any kind of explosive throws—whether it’s up, down, or sideways—make sure to take care of your lower back,” Spraul says. “You’ll need to have good core strength and glute engagement, otherwise you may end up getting hurt. Be careful not to over-extend and compensate through your spine.”

Keep your core engaged through these exercises, and avoid lifting with your back. For your first few workouts, you might want to exercise in front of a mirror to watch your form. If you notice yourself slouching forward or losing proper form, stop. Never risk an injury to complete a strength training exercise.

Medicine Ball Exercises for Abs: Working Your Core

In a sense, medicine ball exercises are full-body workouts—that’s part of the reason they’re so effective. Still, if you’re looking to target your abs specifically, these exercises are a great place to start.

Medicine Ball Side-to-Side Slam

Stand with your legs slightly wider than shoulder-width apart. Start with the medicine ball held firmly in both hands and drawn in toward your core. Then, as you raise your arms, rotate your body to the left and swing your arms out and over your head (think of making a rainbow arc with your arms).

As you finish the arc on your right side, slam the ball down from about shoulder height as hard as you can. Repeat this motion, starting on the right side, rotating and slamming to the left. Do 5 reps on each side before resting.

Half-Kneeling Medicine Ball Scoop Toss

Start with your left knee on the ground (you can use a yoga mat for extra padding and comfort) and your right knee bent at a 90 degree angle. Be sure to keep your legs, glutes, and core engaged throughout this exercise—engaged muscles will help keep you from twisting during the motion. Hold the medicine ball in both hands on your left side. Keep your arms straight and throw the ball across your body against the wall 5 to 10 times. Repeat on the right side.

Seated Rotations

Sit on a comfortable mat with your legs slightly bent and your heels on the floor. Bring the medicine ball to your chest, sitting completely upright with a straight back. Contract your core, exhale, and slowly rotate to one side while keeping the ball in close to your chest. Pause, then rotate to the other side. Repeat 5 to 10 times, then rest.

Weighted Sit-Ups

This one is exactly what it sounds like. Lie on your back, arch your knees at a 90-degree angle, and hold your medicine ball to your chest.
Don’t cheat by sticking the ball out toward your knees—by displacing the weight, you’ll actually make the sit-up easier to accomplish, which, we’re sorry to say, is the opposite of the goal here. Do a sit-up, keeping the ball tight against your chest. Complete this medicine ball exercise for 20 reps for an intense core workout.

Medicine Ball Exercises for Arms: Toning Up

These medicine ball exercises help build strength in your arms, and they’re a good substitute for free-weight exercises. Your results will vary depending on the weights you use; choose lighter weights and do more repetitions if you’re looking to tone up. Add more weight if you want to build muscle mass. (Going for that long and lean look? Check out our article on bulk-free resistance training, too.)

Overhead Medicine Ball Slam

This is a great exercise for strengthening the arms and working out a little pent-up aggression. Start with your feet hip-width apart and bend your knees slightly, keeping your joints loose. Take the medicine ball in both hands and raise it directly above your head, arms straight. Then hurl the medicine ball at the ground in front of you as hard as you can, following through so you can feel it in your abs and glutes. Catch the ball on the bounce-back and go again. See if you can get through 20 reps with the proper form demonstrated in the video below.

Side Rotation Throws

Stand parallel to a wall, several feet away from it. Hold the medicine ball with both hands, remaining parallel to the wall. Bend your knees slightly.

Rotate your shoulders away from the wall, bringing the medicine ball out to your side. Rotate explosively toward the wall, keeping your back straight and turning your shoulders. Release the ball, allowing it to bounce against the wall, and catch it as it bounces off, returning to your original position.

Repeat 10 to 20 times, or as many times as you’d like, stopping prior to exhaustion. Keep in mind that since you’re throwing a weighted ball around, this is not the type of exercise you should continue until you’re no longer able to maintain the good form demonstrated here.

Medicine Ball Shuffle Push-Ups

Get into a push-up position with your medicine ball on your right side. Your feet should be shoulder-width apart with your legs straight and your hands slightly more than shoulder-width apart. Keep your right hand on the medicine ball and gradually lower your body to complete the first phase of the push-up.

At the bottom of the movement, push the medicine ball toward your left hand. As you come up, push yourself off of the floor completely in a single explosive movement, landing with your left hand on the medicine ball. Keep your waist completely straight, and don’t dip your neck. Repeat, alternating the ball from your left hand to your right hand for 10 repetitions.

You can increase number repetitions over time, but we’d only recommend trying this exercise if you’re already familiar with standard push-ups since the explosive plyometric movement it entails can be difficult for beginners.

Wide Open Circles

This simple yet impactful movement will tone the arms from the shoulders down. Start by planting your feet about shoulder-width apart. Keep your knees loose and slightly bent.

Grab your medicine ball, and hold it straight up above your head, keeping your arms straight, then draw circles in the air in front of you, keeping your arms straight the whole time. According to Jonas Sahratian, strength coach for the University of North Carolina Tar Heels, beginners should complete 10 reps clockwise and 10 reps counterclockwise.

When should you increase the weight of your medicine ball exercises?

When starting a medicine ball workout, be sure to choose a medicine ball weight that allows you to perform movements comfortably.
“The proper weight of the medicine ball is determined by the type of exercise being performed, your individual strength level, and the number of repetitions you complete,” says Gebhart.
“The important part here is that you are able to perform the movement with the best technique and range of motion. You should always start with a lighter weight, and make sure you are doing the exercise correctly before moving on to a heavier weight. This is the safest and most effective way to train.”

If you want to incorporate a power training exercise—which involves performing a single rep or set with high weight—here’s Gebhart’s advice:

For power training exercises, the weight of the medicine ball should be about 30 to 50 percent of your bodyweight one rep max for a similar weight training exercise. For multi-joint exercises such as the overhead throw, the medicine ball must be large enough to handle comfortably with both hands while tensing all of the major muscle groups involved in the movement. Start with lighter weights here, and see how you feel after warming up.

What are you waiting for? Pencil a medicine ball workout into your calendar (or bullet journal!) and get your whole body moving in high gear.

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Fitness Advice x Motivation

These Are The 6 Habits That Are Ruining Your Workouts

Post author By HealthyWay Staff Writer
Post date June 22, 2018

There’s a reason they call it a fitness journey. Once you start the quest by establishing a solid workout routine, you’ll find yourself in new territory with new challenges—call this country Resultselvania. The terrain in Resultselvania can be rocky, the road crowded in by dark and discouraging willows. The good news is there are plenty of friendly locals who can help you pass over the bumps in the road and cross the border into a brighter, more Instagrammable nation.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BfpKcd2D8kd/?taken-by=ericafitlove
Count us among those voices, because if you made it through that extended metaphor, you can get through anything.

The truth is that working out—even working out daily—isn’t always enough to see results at the waistline. The sooner we face that truth, the sooner we can adopt a results-based fitness plan that really works. Start by dropping these habits. Pretty soon, you’ll be skipping down the road to Maintainia, land of health and fitness.

1. Choosing the Wrong Exercises for Your Goals

First things first: All low-risk physical activity is good for you. That’s as true today as it was in 2006, when the medical journal CMAJ concluded, “There is irrefutable evidence of the effectiveness of regular physical activity in the primary and secondary prevention of several chronic diseases … and premature death.” The last thing we’d want to do is discourage healthy habits just because they don’t make us look like [insert fitness model name here]. In short, don’t stop exercising, even if you’re not quite reaching your fitness goals.

Just ask Andrea Levine, an ACE-certified group fitness instructor and Mayo-Clinic-trained wellness coach.
“All movement is beneficial,” Levine tells HealthyWay. “Which exercises are most beneficial, however, depends on a person’s individual goals.”

Movement may be good for your health, but if you have specific goals—weight loss, targeted toning, greater strength, you name it—you need to pick the right movements for the task. Kai Marshall, a certified strength and conditioning specialist who operates Kai Marshall Personal Training in Fort Worth, Texas, gives an example we can all probably identify with: The Gut.
“Many people do ab exercises to help them lose belly fat,” Marshall says. “Well, you can’t spot-reduce fat, so no matter how many crunches you do, they won’t help you lose inches.”

That doesn’t necessarily mean you should lose the crunches though, Marshall explains.
“[Ab exercises] will, however, make your core stronger,” he says. “It’s like taking antibiotics to fight a virus. Sure, it’s medicine, but not [the] right kind.”

You’ll find the right medicine for belly fat not only in the gym, but also (and especially) in the kitchen. But as far as your workouts go, it’s always worth meeting with a personal trainer to discuss your individual fitness goals. A qualified trainer can help you put together a workout routine that works with your body and your lifestyle. The right workout varies as much as our bodies themselves; that is to say, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach for exercise any more than there is for jeans.

2. Looking the Other Way on Calories

It’s obvious that a good exercise routine does not give you a free pass at the buffet. Still, our psychology is such that when we feel good about our workout life, we’re more likely to give ourselves leeway to loosen up the diet—which is not a good way to tighten the belt. To make matters worse, exercising gives some people the munchies. Regardless, diet is inexorably tangled up with exercise. Food is instrumental in reaching any fitness goal you can think of.
[pullquote align=”center”]”Try making one or two changes a week, such as drinking water throughout the day and adding a vegetable to each meal. Small, consistent changes will lead to long-term progress.”
—Alisha Temples, licensed nutritionist[/pullquote]
“This depends on your body type, genetics, and training goal,” Marshall says. “But for the most part, diet is about 80 percent of the [weight-loss] struggle, and working out is the other 20 percent.”

This viewpoint is common, even universal, among fitness professionals. Sean Bykerk, owner of Mississauga, Ontario’s Breakthrough Bootcamp gym, is quick to remind us that you’re probably not going to burn off all the extra calories from a cupcake binge no matter how much time you put in on the stair stepper.

“Nutrition is more important than fitness when it comes to weight loss,” Bykerk tells HealthyWay. “Many have tried and failed to ‘outwork’ a poor diet … It’s far more effective to control the calories you take in rather than eat what you want and burn it off with exercise.”

3. Making Too Many Diet Changes Too Fast

By now, you’re probably aware that the weight-loss battle is won by the fork and not the medicine ball. But when we embark on a whole diet-and-exercise campaign to transform our bodies—or at least tweak them a bit—we often try to accomplish too much too fast.

“One way to self-sabotage a new workout routine is by making too many changes to the diet at the same time,” says Alisha Temples, a licensed nutritionist who works with athletes. “For most, this approach is too drastic and unsustainable.”
Temples recommends introducing diet changes slowly, over a long period of time.
“Try making one or two changes a week, such as drinking water throughout the day and adding a vegetable to each meal,” she tells HealthyWay. “Small, consistent changes will lead to long-term progress.”

4. Sticking to the Same Routine Week After Week

We are creatures of habit. That’s great when those habits are healthy, but it can lead to a fitness plateau all too easily. If you’re not stressing your muscles, you’re not making any progress. And because the body’s whole point in building strength is to adapt to that stress, if you stick to the same routine for too long, you’ll start treading water (maybe literally, if you’re into pool workouts).

“I always tell my clients, ‘The workout never gets easier. [You] just get stronger,'” Marshall says. “You should always be making tiny changes to your workout routine as your body adapts.”
[pullquote align=”center”]”Instead of constantly changing up your workout routine, focus on progressive overload … the gradual increase of stress you place on the body during a workout. You can do this by increasing weight, reps, range of motion, or decreasing rest times.”
—Sean Bykerk, owner of Breakthrough Bootcamp gym[/pullquote]
Take weightlifting, for example.
“If you’re lifting weights, make sure every week you do a little more weight, or more reps, or take less rest,” Marshall says. “Find small ways to make each workout harder than the previous one.”

5. Changing the Routine Too Soon

Yes, you want to keep your exercises challenging by making them progressively more difficult. That doesn’t mean making radical changes to the workout every few days, though, say our experts.

“It is important to stick with a program long enough to reap the benefits,” says Levine. “A program need not be changed until you stop seeing results—specifically with respect to how you feel when completing a workout and the number of reps completed or amount of resistance used.”
The emphasis should be on what fitness professionals call progressive overload, says Bykerk, not on completely new exercises.
“Instead of constantly changing up your workout routine, focus on progressive overload,” Bykerk says. “Progressive overload is the gradual increase of stress you place on the body during a workout. You can do this by increasing weight, reps, range of motion, or decreasing rest times.”

6. Taking Your Stress to the Gym

We’re all about the mind-body connection when we read about exercise reducing stress. Unfortunately, that mind-body connection cuts both ways. According to a 2011 study published in the European Journal of Applied Physiology, mental stress can lead to quicker fatigue and declining strength during workouts.

“When you’re stressed, your muscles are at a higher level of arousal and your heart rate is elevated,” study author Ranjana Mehta, PhD, told Men’s Health in 2012.
When you start your exercise with a boosted heart rate and your muscles tensed to run or fight, you get tired pretty quickly. You’re tempted to give up early. It’s not ideal.

To make matters worse, women report higher levels of stress than men—49 percent of women said they “frequently experience stress,” versus 40 percent of men, according to a 2017 Gallup poll. That means nearly half of the women at the gym could be making greater strides toward their fitness goals than they are currently.
Try beating this workout challenge by exercising in the morning, before the day’s stressors have a chance to dig in deep. Alternatively, you could increase your warm-up time, Mehta said. Low-intensity workouts help curb the body’s stress response, preparing your muscles for a nice, effective [linkbuilder id=”6595″ text=”gym sesh”].

No Pain, No Gain

Luckily for the hopeful, Maintainia-bound travelers of Resultselvania, there’s one key indication that a workout is working, and it is unmistakable: Exercise should hurt.

“Generally speaking, if the workout feels easy, if you do not feel your muscles fatiguing or your breath quickening, then you are likely not working hard enough to build lean muscle mass or increase metabolism, and therefore not working hard enough to see changes in your appearance from the workouts,” says Levine.
Hey, no one said the fitness journey was going to be easy. What we will say, however, is that you can make it anyway. Lose these habits, go see a personal trainer, and get ready to ease on down the road like your name was Diana Ross.

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