Author: Jenna Birch

By nature, I’m kind of a loner. I’m an introvert who works on writing every day whilst alone. Not exactly a recipe for oodles of friends, right?
But for most of my life, I didn’t feel like I needed oodles of friends. I was perfectly happy reading and writing most of the time, meeting and greeting only when totally necessary–until I was sidelined with a health condition that kicked my butt for the better part of two years. Two years of chilling at home, trying to get better, watching the outside world pass me by, and being unable to take part.
When you have something taken away from you, no matter what it is, you long for it. So when I finally healed, you better believe I had an undying itch to be social. Problem is, I don’t have a normal 9 to 5 job, and therefore do not have a regular friend group.
However, I creatively solved that problem in a few ways. Let’s take a peek.

Get active in your city.

There are usually tons of events around your city, most of which you probably aren’t attending. How do you find out about these little gems? A few ways. First of all, at the most basic level, I look at flyers; 90 percent of these are “meh,” but around 10 percent are kinda interesting. I’ve found out about mixers, wine tastings, author readings, and beer crawls this way.
Also, if you’re not on it, find out if your city has an active Meetup scene. Mine does, and there are so many cool things to do. You can go rock climbing with fellow adventurers, hit the trails with other hikers, sip Pinot with vino lovers, or just mix it up with other professionals in your age bracket. Plus, everybody is there to meet new people, so the likelihood of being iced out is virtually zero.

Start convos with random strangers.

Sometimes I see people who just look interesting, don’t you? Maybe they’re engrossed in a book or sipping a coffee beverage that looks amazingly delicious. And I want to talk to ’em! But since we live in a world where people don’t really know how to interact with others (thanks, smartphones), sometimes these interactions feel scary and uncomfortable.
But don’t ignore the opportunity in these random encounters. Pick people who seem social and chat. My strategy for this is eavesdropping (yep) or commenting on a gadget or item said stranger has in their possession. If it’s a book, tell them you’ve “been meaning to read it! How is it?” If it’s a gadget, ask them how they like it and say that you’ve been checking out a new phone/tablet/laptop/etc. People have also used this concept on me; it works just wonderfully, by the way.
Ultimately, you only have to talk about the conversation starter for a hot sec; if the person is welcoming, ask questions about other things. If the person doesn’t seem interested in continuing to chat, abandon ship with nothing lost.

Use tech to meet IRL.

Yes, you can use apps to mingle and meet, not just date. For instance, I recently talked to the communications director at Tinder who insists the app was designed and marketed as a networking device–not a hookup tool or a dating destination. Currently in a relationship, she uses it to network her way all over the globe.
You can use more basic social media to connect to others in real life. For instance, a fellow freelance writer in my area found me on Twitter and asked if I wanted to grab coffee because we had a ton of mutual interests. I said of course! She quickly became one of my good friends.
If you choose to do something like this, though, meet in a public area you know well, and definitely don’t ignore any bad vibes. (Your gut doesn’t lie.)
The bottom line: Use social media to actually enhance your social life. If it’s not doing that, it’s a time-suck.

Do something you love and something you would never do normally.

I suggest two things: Sign up for an activity you love and pursue an interest you would never normally jump into.
Why? You tend to meet like-minded people when you do the things you love. And it’s comfortable. So start here. If you take that cooking class or attend that poetry reading, you’ll have instant conversation starters for those who also attend, on topics you know well and actually enjoy. (Yay!)
Then again, sometimes your horizons just need to be broadened. If your current friend group is ho-hum, try something you’d normally turn down. Like parasailing. Or a triathlon. Or an art class. When you choose, think about what sounds fulfilling to you–for instance, training hard to complete a marathon or getting in touch with nature by hiking. Anything that you imagine and think, “it’d be cool if I could do that.”
You might find that your favorite hobby was hiding beneath a pile of self-doubt, and you also might just meet your new best friend in the process.
At the end of the day, making friends is all about the effort you put in. The more welcoming energy you put out into the world, the more you will get back. So smile at people. Be kind to people. Ask questions when you’re curious, and don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and face a little rejection. If an interaction doesn’t go well, it’s not the end of the world.
You have so little to lose, and so much to gain.

There’s nothing quite as jarring and soul crushing as the sound of your buzzing alarm clock at 6:30 a.m. At least for some of us.

“Some people are larks and some are owls,” says Mary Fristad, PhD, professor of psychiatry and behavioral health, psychology, and nutrition at OSU Harding Behavioral Health at The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center. “It has to do with your personal biology. If you’re a lark, you wake up ready. If you’re an owl, you likely went to sleep late and prefer to sleep late.”

If you’re anything like me, and you’re an owl, you may have these thoughts running through your head every time you’re called to rise: “Just 10 more minutes, please.” If that sounds familiar, here are some ways to get moving in the morning.

Position your alarm clocks correctly.

Do you ever sleep right through your alarm or shut it off accidentally? (*raises hand*) You might need to move it across the room, says Fristad. “It might be that you need to position it to physically get up and turn it off, and that act will help you wake up,” she explains. “Also, know what helps you get in the right mood. Do you need an irritating buzzer to get up, or lovely music to soothe you?” Try both, and see which works.

Adopt the right mindset.

Snooze, snooze, snooze. Not only is hitting that button breaking up your sleep so you don’t feel as well rested, but it’s also putting you in a lethargic, I’ll-get-to-the-waking-up-thing-later mood. “Incorporate into your morning mindset that when the alarm goes off, you get up,” says Fristad. “Whether or not you want to. It’s a mental commitment, and it’s a plan.”

Up your breakfast game with wake-up foods.

If you’re sleepy in the morning, yes, you can hit the coffee for a little caffeine boost—but also try to avoid overdoing it with carbs. “You’ll just feel sleepy again,” Fristad says. “Instead, opt for a breakfast with protein.” Some examples? An egg-white omelet with your choice of veggies, or a Greek yogurt with seasonal berries.

Find the right motivation to move it, move it.

Sometimes, you need a reason to wake up in the morning. Fristad suggests keeping a gratitude journal. “Write down three things you’re thankful, from that day, at night before bed,” she says. “It can be as simple as a sunset. And then, also, write down at least one thing you’re looking forward to for the next day.” Fall asleep with that in mind. Also remember that from the moment you wake up, you’ll be hyper-productive for the first two hours of your day. So, use that as motivation to get busy…not snooze your alarm, amble to the coffee pot, and mindlessly answer emails until you “get around” to real work.

Shake up your evening screen activity.

If you’re struggling to wake up feeling well rested in the morning, adjust your routines. Fristad says that all the gadgets we look at can mess with our sleep cycles. “Screen time is a big thing, but shutting down isn’t realistic. You need a variant of that,” she explains. The solution? Reducing exposure to the blue light that prevents melatonin production will help us get to sleep and stay asleep. “There are orange glasses now that help filter out that blue light,” says Fristad. “And just that can be enough to help the brain produce those hormones that help us sleep.”

Beyond that, remember that your body can only handle roughly one-hour swings in wake-up time. So, even on weekends, attempt to get up at roughly the same time. You’ll feel more primed with sleep, and ready to get your day going.

And when in doubt about your ability to handle your morning? Espresso (wink, wink).

We all know an obviously toxic person. This person just screams bad energy. He may have a serious temper problem. Or she may have a tendency to shoot off about seemingly innocuous things more often than can possibly be healthy–for her to obsess over, or for you to hear.

More than likely, you’re not a glutton for punishment; you have scooted away from said toxic individual with stealthy success. (Go, you!) However, there may be more toxic people lurking in your circle than you realize.

I am someone who is very intentional. About everything. I don’t speak unless it adds to the conversation. I don’t do something unless it enhances my life. And I don’t consistently spend time with someone unless they’re worth the investment. If you spend time with toxic people, you’ll find that they will slowly but surely bleed you dry emotionally.  

I realized long ago that time and energy are both finite. You can only devote yourself to so many people–and you should never forget that friendships and relationships are two-way streets. You’re supposed to get something back when you give something away.

I’d rather have five really amazing people in my life than 5,000 who suck the life out of me. Don’t you agree? If you’re feeling socially taxed, then it’s time for a social cleanse. Here are five types of people you should separate yourself from pronto.

The Executor Of Excuses

This person always has an explanation for his poor behavior. Did he snap at you? He was under a lot of stress. Did he disappear for a week? He was super busy at work. Did he turn a simple comment about the girls at work into a criticism of your actions? He didn’t realize “you’d take it that way.” On the surface, this person is often level headed, articulate, and smart. Which is why he can talk his way out of anything.

In fact, the beauty of people with this personality is that they always have a reason for why they behaved so insensitively–meaning this behavior is fixable. Changeable. A total anomaly. Like, as soon as circumstances shift ever so slightly, so will they.

Be realistic, young grasshopper. Is this person actually going to change? The reasons he acts like this are simply excuses. Don’t be fooled.

The Woe-Wallower

Think of this personality as Eeyore from the childhood classic Winnie the Pooh. Woe. Is. Me. This individual is sulky, problem-plagued, and constantly offloading that baggage onto you. They don’t ask about your life. They simply tell you how bad things are going…for them.

You might think you can save them. I mean, think of all the sage wisdom you possess (amiright?) Welp, this is a fallacy. Just try giving the woe-wallower advice when they bring up their problems. They will nod in agreement and then proceed to ignore the obvious course of action to change their situation.

They enjoy wallowing for attention. No one’s problems are worse than theirs: a fact they will broadcast to anyone who will listen. Don’t let that be you. This person will just drag you down.

The Jealous Jane

There’s a good chance this person is an old friend–in your life long enough that they’ve compared your successes to theirs for years. Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” This personality will never be happy for you when something goes well and will always be a bit dissatisfied with their own life because yours looks better.

Jealousy is dangerous, and it’s hurtful. This person will likely–knowingly or unknowingly–incite fights with you and talk behind your back. She may make snide comments about your promotion at work or the cute thing your boyfriend did for you. She will probably change the subject if you talk about the cool trip you’re planning to Europe…all in an effort to cast a dark cloud over your happy circumstances. It might feel tough to nix this friend from your circle because of your long history, but ultimately you deserve better than having someone perpetually rain on your parade. Friendships should build you up.

The Pot-Stirring Pollyanna

This personality likely claims to “hate drama,” yet drama follows her wherever she goes. She’ll usually be up on the latest gossip, and talk–innocently, of course–about friends behind their backs (“out of concern” or some such excuse). She’s typically the one to “accidentally” bring up the offhand comment you made about throwing a party–in front of the person she knows you did not invite. This will be passed off as an “oops” moment, or sometimes she’ll quietly slip away while you clean up the mess she created.

This person is not always easy to spot, because their claims and their actions do not align; it’s easy to miss negative behaviors if you’re busy absorbing those pretty words. But if you suddenly realize that you’re constantly involved in petty drama whenever you’re with her? Run, don’t walk.

The Lazy Leech

Maybe you knew this personality in college, and he was the life of the party. Whenever you get together now, the occasion usually begins with fun and good times. Slowly but surely, however, things start to decline: he forgets his wallet and doesn’t pay his tab at dinner or asks you to be best man at his wedding…even though you haven’t heard from him in years.

If he’s not putting genuine effort into the relationship on a regular basis–or sometimes, even his own life–except when it’s convenient for him or he needs something from you, you’re better off ignoring that call when his name pops up on your phone. His lack of effort is probably leading to some unnecessary resentment in your life, and it’s not innocuous. It’s toxic energy. (And he’s not really a friend. He’s a leech.)

Here’s the deal. Ask yourself these questions about each person you think of bringing into your life:

– Does this person add to my life?
– Do I consistently give far more to this relationship or friendship than they do?
– Are they sucking the life out of me every time I’m with them?

The answers to that quiz should be yes-no-no. If they aren’t, it’s time to nix ’em.

Just before you couple up, or as soon as your relationship reaches a new level of depth, you’re probably thinking the same thing your partner is thinking… Is this really going to last? Let’s face it. Energy is finite, and no one’s gonna bank on a relationship that’s trajectory is akin to a roller coaster at Six Flags.

Whether you’re trying to improve the quality of your relationship, or just start out on the right foot, you can change the game by focusing on how you relate to your significant other. I asked three marital therapists exactly what they look for when determining if a pair is going to survive the tough times. (Get these right, and you’ll probably go the distance.) Here’s what they notice among the strongest couples.

Do they make time for each other?

A relationship isn’t going anywhere without quality time, says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D, psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. “Lasting couples make time for intimacy, so regard your face-to-face time as sacred,” she says.

Ah, intimacy… do we actually know what that means, though? “Intimacy is the art of making your partner feel understood and accepted,” she says. “When this feeling is created, barriers fall. Gentle touch, eye contact, a sense of humor and the right words all create the atmosphere.” Reconnect by going the extra mile to listen and understand your partner’s needs and wants — and cuddle up and touch as often as possible, says Tessina. (Can do, right?)

Do they let the little things go?

Small tiffs can be as harmful to a relationship is those big, blowout arguments where lines are drawn — and more confusing if they accumulate over time. “A very good sign when both partners can let go of small things,” Juliana Neiman, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in New York City. “When they accept they are different from each other, and they have different wants, needs and personality traits.”

Neiman says she looks for couples who embrace their differences and quirks, and are genuinely accepting that they can still have a good life together — even if their spouse is always running late or is a liiiittle bit forgetful. “It is a good sign when partners take care of each other, support each other, have fun together, make each other laugh and surprise each other with small gestures of love, romance and mutual care,” Neiman says. So, in essence: let the negative little things go, bolstering your relationship with positive little things.

Are they a team?

Lasting marriages are the result of two people becoming a united front. “The most powerful thing a couple can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed,” says Tessina. They’re on the same page, they talk through issues instead of running from them, and they fight fair.

Tessina says this foundation is built through connection — shared time, continued communication, and considering your S.O.’s side. “If you really want to restore the marriage, begin not by complaining, but by seeking to understand your partner,” she explains. “Once the connection is there, you can begin to work out the issues.”

Can they forgive each other?

Long-lasting couples don’t hold a grudges. That means, if he stays out late with the guys and doesn’t tell you beforehand, you approach the subject directly at the next opportunity — not getting passive-aggressive about it the next day. “Successful couples know how to talk about what’s bothering them in a rational way,” says Tessina. “Ask clearly for what you want, and let your partner know why it’s important to you. If you can’t find a way to agree, go for a counseling session. Resentment will destroy your marriage.”

Think about it. If you’re still mad about something unspoken that he did a month ago, and get increasingly passive-aggressive about it, he’s never going to know. Speak up, hash it out, and move on.

Do they show appreciation?

When’s the last time you told your spouse thank you? Lots of couples falter due to a lack of gratitude in their relationship. “Lasting couples show their appreciation — so let your partner know you appreciate what he or she does, their personality traits like sense of humor or hard work, and companionship,” Tessina says. “The more you praise what you like, the more you’ll get of it.  We all want to be appreciated.”

No one wants to feel taken for granted, and everyone loves getting snaps for their successes. Here’s the formula, folks: celebration + appreciation = motivation.

Do they both value a long-term commitment?

Marriage isn’t all romance. At the end of the day, it’s a conscious decision to stay the course, even through trying times. “Every single time I meet a couple who has been together for 20 years or more, I always ask what they think has kept them going,” says Jodie Voth, a marriage and family therapist in private practice in Manitoba, Canada. “So far, every answer I’ve gotten has been some version of, ‘Because we decided that we’re committed.'”

Voth says, because they’ve decided to remove the exit door from their marriage, it changes the way these men and women behave in their relationships, so it’s an important question to ask before you get hitched. “A forever commitment doesn’t fit within everyone’s value system, and that’s okay — but be honest with yourself and your partner,” she says.

Do they fight fair?

Super-awesome, lasting couples don’t take opportunities to bring their partners down — even if those opportunities present themselves during a rift, and no matter how upset or angry they feel. “It is never a good sign when both partners show a lot of contempt towards each other, demonstrating not only anger, but dismissiveness and a complete lack concern for each other,” says Neiman, who cringes when couples utter phrases like, ‘How can I even talk to him?’ or “I should have never married her!’ (…but I’m sure you’ve never said that.)

Making your partner feel worthless is not a recipe for a healthy, happy relationship; listening closely, refraining from cutting remarks and calmly talking about faults and problems is.

Do they accept responsibility for their parts?

You gotta own your piece, because, more often than not, there are two guilty parties when problems arise. “When both partners blame and criticize each other constantly, and they attribute all their problems to each other, they are not able or willing to look at themselves in order to become more aware of their own negative contributions to their difficulties,” says Neiman.

Common examples of the blame game are, ‘Of course this is all his fault!’ and ‘Let me tell you what she has done in the last few years…’ But couples who are strong and steady? “They are very willing to look at themselves and in a very honest way, understand what their own negative contributions to the relationship are, and they are willing to try some changes,” Neiman says. As the saying goes, relationships are all about compromise.

Do they respect each other?

In healthy couples, there’s a serious lack of one-sidedness. Each spouse is engaged in the thoughts and opinions of their counterpart — in good times and bad. “It is a very good sign when partners are genuinely interested to listen and hear each other,” says Neiman. “To know what they each need, what they are unhappy and unsatisfied with, and again, they are both willing to seriously try and challenge themselves to make changes.”

When Neiman asks partners to share what they think their partners need and want — and they seem to know their partner well — she senses the respect. “It’s a strong foundation, and this relationship has a good chance to fix, repair, tolerate crisis and move on into an even stronger, loving relationship.”

Do they agree about the future?

If one spouse sees a white picket fence, while
their partner is dreaming of grad school or European getaways, those differing views of the future don’t bode well for a smooth marriage. “For those who are young and don’t have kids yet, do they agree on whether or not they’ll have a family? This is a big one,” Voth says. “If they’ve been able to have this conversation, it tells me two things: they’ve each asked and answered for themselves an important question, and they’ve been able to have a challenging conversation that is often avoided.”

Whether you’re married or not, issues like these need to be sorted out stat — because it’s impossible to compromise on some things. “There’s no such thing as having half a baby,” says Voth. So, work on hashing out these biggies before you walk down the aisle, or see a counselor if you’re already wed and need help deciding how to move forward in your relationship.

Are they truly friends?

The spark only sizzles for a few years, tops, before that searing blaze starts to dwindle — which is why it’s essential to make sure your spouse is your best bud, too. “Romance and lust will only go so far, so after that, couples need to have shared interests, and enjoy being together,” explains Voth. “If a couple does a lot of activities together — even the day-to-day stuff like grocery shopping — it’s a good sign they’ll have something to carry them through when times get challenging.”

So, join a book club or cooking class, laugh at trashy TV together, and remember that relationships aren’t all work. Sometimes, happy relationships are basically just geeking out about the new Star Wars movie together. (Which is pretty sweet, in my opinion.)