Author: Katie Martin

Call me old-fashioned, but I always wanted to change my name when I got married. In middle school, I doodled hearts around my first name paired with the various last names of boys I had crushes on. I made my parents drive me to the movie theater in a blizzard the weekend Titanic was released and bawled my eyes out when Rose used Jack’s last name at the end of the film. (Rose may have let you sink to the bottom of the Atlantic, Jack, but I’ll never let go!)

When I was 14, the idea that my husband and I would share a name—and share that name with our future children—was ultra romantic.

When I actually did get married last year, just after my thirtieth birthday, I realized that it was going to be a lot harder for me to change my name than I thought. I’m not talking about the paperwork (although that is reason enough to keep your name if you’re not in the mood for a hassle).

The biggest problem with changing your name is that it can weaken the integrity of your professional network.

Changing my name ended up being a pretty emotional experience for me. I mean, I’ve been known as Katie Raye Phillips for 30 years. I was afraid that if I changed my name, I’d lose that identity. I loved my fiancé very much, but I was nervous about becoming Katie Martin.

I knew Katie Raye Phillips. But Katie Martin? Who was that girl?

The Knot reports that as many as 86 percent of women still change their name after marriage, but the number of women who choose to keep their name is on the rise.

And those women may be onto something.

Here’s why changing your name when you get married can actually be a terrible idea:

What’s in a name?

Quite a bit, especially in the digital age.

Almost everyone these days has an online presence of some kind. If your online identity is tied to your career, a name change can be a major headache.

I’d still have my career in digital marketing to tend to and everyone knows me by my name. To introduce yet another name would only confuse my contacts, and I’d basically have to start from scratch.

WeddingDresses.com editor and community manager Sophie Darling tells HealthyWay, “The biggest problem with changing your name is that it can weaken the integrity of your professional network.”

“I was married last year but I see no benefit to changing my last name. I have built a brand and network using my maiden name, which is VERY memorable: BACON. I have a master’s degree in my own name, and even if I were to have children, unlikely, I still see no benefit to changing my name. I’d still have my career in digital marketing to tend to and everyone knows me by my name. To introduce yet another name would only confuse my contacts, and I’d basically have to start from scratch,” says Cari Bacon, an SEO specialist and founder of Digital Marketing Darlings.

Changing my name professionally meant potentially losing years of personal branding and SEO

Tracy Bagatelle-Black, founder of Bagatelle Black Public Relations, agrees. “My maiden name was Tracy Bagatelle and I married a man with the last name Black. There was no way, especially as an established publicist, that I was going to lose my unique identity so I compromised and went with the name Tracy Bagatelle-Black. …Later, we got divorced but I kept the hyphenated name because that was now my professional brand.”

Jessica Thiele, a marketing manager for tech company Virtual Logistics, also decided not to change her name when she married. “By the time we got married, my husband was 30 and I was 29, and at that point I had already established my professional persona as Jessica Thiele; changing my name now meant more than the symbolic gesture. Aside from the legal hurdles and the fact that the digital economy now means my name is tied to countless accounts, social media properties, and more, it’s now my personal brand. Changing my name professionally meant potentially losing years of personal branding and SEO.”

If you searched online for just my first and last name, several people came up that were not me, including an amateur model and a congressional candidate.

When your name is tied to your personal brand and online presence, it makes sense to forgo a name change, but what if your last name is one of the most common surnames in America?

Brianna Brailey recently married and chose to change her name, which she saw as a professional opportunity, not a setback:

“My maiden name was very common, and my first and last name combination was fairly common as well. If you searched online for just my first and last name, several people came up that were not me, including an amateur model and a congressional candidate. The domain name of my first and last name was already taken, as were several social media handles. As far as I can tell, I’m the only Brianna Brailey on the internet now.”

Some surnames are inherently more catchy than others (usually ones with fewer syllables), and if you’re trying to break out into a market or even rebrand your existing business, a name change can actually be beneficial.

Darling agrees, and tells HealthyWay there could be professional benefits for women who choose to change their names after marriage.

“A name change could be just what you need if you’re trying to market that name and aren’t satisfied with your own. Some surnames are inherently more catchy than others (usually ones with fewer syllables), and if you’re trying to break out into a market or even rebrand your existing business, a name change can actually be beneficial. Since many women today run their own businesses (especially compared to in the past), there is definitely potential value here.”

Brailey, who is just starting out professionally, didn’t receive any negative fallout from her name change professionally. “The majority of my clients for my side business—design and brand consultation—know me personally, so the name change was no issue.”

A rose by any other name…

Starting in the 15th cent
ury, women began to take their husband’s surname to show that they were joined together as one entity. Prior to that, women typically didn’t have a surname because they were considered property.

Yikes.

I don’t want to judge other women who do change their name, but I know it colors my perception that they may be less independent and less feminist.

Given the history of why women change their names after marriage, it’s easy to see why women today might want to keep their own surnames.

Janet Ferone, a former National Organization for Women (NOW) chapter president, felt that changing her name went against her principles:

“While it certainly is more convenient to keep my name … the main reason I didn’t consider changing it is that it is MY name, and as a feminist it makes no sense to change it. Also, as an only child, I wanted to continue the family name. The only consideration to changing it that I would give is if my husband added my last name and I added his, but that seems a bit unwieldy. I don’t want to judge other women who do change their name, but I know it colors my perception that they may be less independent and less feminist.”

…is still a rose, right?

Okay, so that’s not exactly what Shakespeare wrote. But does changing your name after marriage really change your identity, as Ferone suggests?

Darling says that “traditions resonate strongly with many people, and although society is gradually breaking from the more outdated ones, a lot of women still prefer to change their name after marriage.”

Ultimately, tradition is what led me to change my name from Phillips to Martin. I very much wanted to share a last name with my children. However, I’m pretty attached to my middle name. Instead of dropping my middle name and going by my first, maiden, and new last names, I chose to become Katie Raye Martin instead. This way, I kept my personal identity intact, while also taking my husband’s last name.

Are the children her kids? His kids? Is this a second marriage?

Ferone admits there are some reasons why a woman might want to legally change her name after marriage. “The only benefit I see to changing one’s name is having the same last name as my husband and son as a family unit. …I’m used to answering to my husband’s last name at our son’s school and am comfortable with that, as it’s hard for schools to keep track of all the names a family might use.”

Children are what prompted Attorney Jody Leighty (née Anderson) to change her name, despite keeping her married name for professional reasons at first.

“I changed my name once I had children. I felt that it was important for all of us to have the same name. I believed that if my name was different from my husband’s and my children, there would be confusion and questions. Are the children her kids? His kids? Is this a second marriage? So at that time, I changed my name, using my maiden name as my middle name and always using my first, middle and last name on all correspondence, business cards, marketing materials, etc.”

This is a perfect consensus for our relationship and my career.

Leighty acknowledges that her name change hasn’t been easy. “Fifteen years later, some people still get confused, particularly because I never changed my work email address, so it still references my maiden name. And quite frankly a lot of people just still think of me as Jody Anderson, and not Jody Leighty.”

Thiele, too, found a compromise in changing her name.

“My husband and I pivoted our ‘last name’ conversation; I am no longer changing my name, but our children will bear his name. This is a perfect consensus for our relationship and my career.”

If you do want to change your name, here’s how:

Unfortunately, changing your name is more tedious and time consuming than filing TPS reports.

First, you’ll need an official copy of your marriage license, which can be obtained from the clerk’s office of the county in which you were married. (Sidenote: Make sure your witnesses sign both copies of the license, otherwise you could be waiting weeks before a copy of your marriage license can be mailed. Trust me, I know from experience.)

After you get a copy of your marriage license, visit the Social Security Administration online or in person to fill out the necessary paperwork. You’ll also need proof of your U.S. citizenship, like a birth certificate or passport, and a form of identification such as your driver’s license. Once you receive your new social security card (with the same number, just a new name), you can change your driver’s license, which will also require two forms of identification, proof of address, and a certified copy of your marriage license.

Now that all your official identification has been changed, you can change your name on your banking information, credit cards, bills, and magazine subscriptions. Most require you to actually make a phone call to customer service to change the name on your account, but it’s usually a quick and easy process.

If you’re content with that identity or need to retain it for professional reasons, you should keep it.

Or, if you don’t have the time, use a service like MissNowMrs or HitchSwitch, which takes your documents and information to complete the name change process for you, hassle-free.

Whether you decide to change your name is up to you.

As a wedding expert who’s seen dozens of women contemplate a name change, Darling has this advice: “The bottom line is that a name is a big part of your identity, especially today as that name is pushed into the public eye at an earlier age than ever before. If you’re content with that identity or need to retain it for professional reasons, you should keep it. And if you’d like to change things up, you can consider a hyphenated last name or you can take your spouse’s.”

I love babies. I have wanted to be a mother ever since I can remember. I knew that when I wound up getting married, my partner would have to feel the same.
That’s why, when things got serious with my now-husband, we had a frank conversation about kids.

You have to try and find that balance. Take care of both yourselves as a couple and your children’s needs, and that greatly improves the happiness factor for the entire family.

We both agreed that we wanted children and decided that after we got married, we wanted to start a family immediately. Fortunately, we agreed on most topics: religious preference, public vs. private schools, how we’d divide time between grandparents, etc. But many couples don’t see eye to eye on these topics, and what’s worse is they often don’t realize how out of alignment they are until children enter the picture and the issues come up.

This can be especially hard on kids, who get caught in the middle when parents disagree on important issues. Lisa Helfend Meyer, certified specialist in family law and founding partner of Los Angeles–based Meyer, Olson, Lowy & Meyers, weighs in: “I have seen other situations when parents don’t see eye to eye on such things as discipline. One sets limits and the other doesn’t.”
She goes on to tell HealthyWay, “These kids can end up in therapeutic boarding schools, have eating disorders, substance abuse problems, are self-injurious etc.”

“I’ve seen the negative outcomes when too much emphasis is placed on one [parenting choice] or the other. You have to try and find that balance. Take care of both yourselves as a couple and your children’s needs, and that greatly improves the happiness factor for the entire family,” says Dr. Gary Brown, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles who works with couples who are contemplating pregnancy, already expecting, or are new parents.

Have a frank conversation about kids with your partner.

It can be hard, but couples should be completely open and honest with each other when discussing whether they want to have kids.

If couples cannot come to agreement about non-negotiable issues, they should consider getting professional help before getting pregnant. A professional may help them find a solution…

Elisabeth Stitt of Joyful Parenting Coaching says, “Couples should not only talk about big issues, they should talk about lower level details as much as they are able, as well. Obviously, it can be hard to know how you feel about some these things before you actually have kids, but exploring issues thoroughly is the best chance for couples to find out if there are any non-negotiable issues.

“If couples cannot come to agreement about non-negotiable issues, they should consider getting professional help before getting pregnant. A professional may help them find a solution—or may help the couple see that though they love each other, their ideas on how to undertake the most important task they will do as a couple are so different, the relationship is likely to break under the strain (which sets kids up for the stresses of divorce, two households, etc.).”
Therapist Kelley Kitley agrees that couples can benefit from professional professional help when having tough conversations.
However you decide to approach a conversation about having children with your partner, relationship experts recommend asking these key questions to determine whether you’re ready to start a family.

1. What is the honest state of our relationship?

Brown recommends answering the following question together: “Is our relationship firmly established and stable enough to bring a baby into the world? Or, are we a high-conflict couple that maybe needs to get some help before we even think about bringing a baby into the world?”
This can be a tough conversation to have with your partner, so Kitley suggests reading The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. “It helps to lay the foundation and manage expectations about how we give and receive love that oftentimes can create conflict during the initial stages of having a baby.”

Brown continues, “When building a home you want to make sure you have a solid foundation. Right?! Well, having a family is the same thing. In much the same way, having these early … conversations helps to build the foundation of your future family. It’s important because you and your partner need to come to some understandings about how you both view parenting, including not only the impact of parenting on your future children but also the potential impact on your marriage.”

2. Are we financially ready for a child?

Unfortunately, bringing your little bundle of joy into the world comes with a hefty price tag. The average total cost of raising a child through the age of 18 is just over $200,000! Many couples are on the same page about wanting children but aren’t prepared financially.

Instead of grabbing sushi after working past nine, one or both of you have to leave the office and relieve the nanny or pick up from daycare.

New York–based therapist Dr. Kimberly Hershenson recommends that couples “look at current finances and future earning potential as well as future goals such as where they would like to live. The age of the couple should also be discussed. Based on these factors, the couple can decide when they’d like to ideally start trying … how much money they would need to feel secure in terms of family planning.”
Meyer says that there are also emotional implications tied to the financial strain of having children. “Having a child means lots of sacrifices and compromises. No longer can you spend your discretionary income on romantic getaways to Bora Bora. Instead of grabbing sushi after working past nine, one or both of you have to leave the office and relieve the nanny or pick up from daycare.”

If you aren’t ready to make those kinds of sacrifices or you already resent the lifestyle change a child would bring, Meyer recommends waiting to start a family until both partners are emotionally ready to make these financial changes.

3. How will we make time for ourselves after we have a child?

Many couples don’t realize just how dramatically life changes after having children.

If couples are not purposeful about their time together without the children, this will be a real problem after the last one leaves the nest.

Family therapist Thomasine Shepard says, “Having a baby takes a toll on marriages, and talking about how a couple will stay connected is crucial and often overlooked because parents are understandably focused on baby only.”
Dr. Jim Seibold, a family therapist based in Arlington, Texas, recommends couples discuss how they plan to balance couple and family time. “This is such an important discussion for future parents to have. [Making couple time a priority] is a challenge as long as children are living at home. When they are young, there is often a hesitancy to leave the children at home with a family member or babysitter.

“Often couples will presume that it will get easier as the kids get older. However, as they get older, they become more involved with outside activities—sports, dance, music, friends spending the night, etc. If couples are not purposeful about their time together without the children, this will be a real problem after the last one leaves the nest.”

4. What kind of birth experience do we want to have?

Seibold says couples should ask themselves,“How do we want to have kids?” before even thinking about what labor and delivery will be like.

…what if their preference is no longer an option? For example, if a couple is unable to conceive naturally, are they open to adoption, IVF, surrogate, etc.?

He continues, “There are several options that are available to people. Of course none of which are guarantees! Would couples prefer to have children biologically or would they rather adopt or foster children? In addition, what if their preference is no longer an option? For example, if a couple is unable to conceive naturally, are they open to adoption, IVF, surrogate, etc.? It would be important that couples understand each other’s expectations here.”

Once you decide how you will start your family, you and your partner can move on to discussing what you envision for the actual birth experience if you plan to have biological children. Will you see an OB-GYN or a midwife? Will you deliver with or without medication? Will you hire a doula to assist with labor? How about breastfeeding? While many couples let the future mama dictate the birth process (and she should be vocal about what she wants!) partners should take joint ownership of bringing their child into the world.

5. How involved will our parents be?

Ah, grandparents. Parents and in-laws each want their time with the grandkids. Even if you have a great relationship with your parents and in-laws, splitting time between so many people can be difficult. Not to mention how you’ll handle situations in which grandparents ignore your parenting rules (like no sugar before bedtime!), so it’s important to discuss how involved grandparents or other extended family will be in your future child’s life.

…focus on having fulfilling relationships with your family.

“This can be a trouble spot when couples come from different family types. For example, one parent comes from a family that is very close and involved. They grow up spending a lot of time with each other. On the other hand, the other parent grows up in a more disconnected family. They may only get together occasionally. This can also become a point of contention between parents, whether it is about how much time they spend together informally or differing expectations about holiday time,” says Seibold.
Ultimately, Hershenson says couples must “find acceptance in your decision regarding children.”

If you and your partner disagree on key parenting topics, it doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t ready for children or that your relationship is doomed. Hershenson continues, “What you can change is your attitude. Find gratitude in what you do have in your life (family, career) and focus on having fulfilling relationships with your family.”

When my husband proposed, I knew I had to come clean about the debt I’d been hiding while we were dating. I’d accrued a substantial amount of student loan debt in graduate school that I was struggling to pay off.

I didn’t immediately tell him about my debt for several reasons. I was embarrassed that I’d amassed a huge amount of student debt and wasn’t even using my degree.

My husband is also very financially savvy, and I was mildly afraid he’d break up with me if he knew how much debt he would be taking on when we got married.

Despite my fears and frustrations, we eventually had a frank conversation about our finances before we tied the knot, and looking back, I realize our marriage might have depended on it.

Till Death (or Debt) Do Us Part

According to personal finance expert Debbi King, “52 percent of couples divorce and 80 percent of those are over financial issues.”

King says financial infidelity is one of the biggest obstacles a couple can face when trying to save their marriage.

That’s why it was so important for me to come clean to my now-husband before we walked down the aisle. I didn’t want my financial secrets to become a problem in our marriage.

So what exactly is financial infidelity?

Justin Lavelle, COO of BeenVerified.com explains, “Financial infidelity is when your spouse lies to you about how money is being spent, or hides secret accounts from you, or makes significant spending decisions without your knowledge.”

The current average age at marriage in America is 27 for women and 29 for men. By the time most people tie the knot, they have graduated from college and may even own a home. Adulting can be awesome, but it often comes with hefty student loan debt or a mortgage payment.

Many times financial infidelity begins because a spouse is embarrassed—like I was—by the amount of debt they’ve accrued but are too ashamed to tell their partner before marriage.

In other situations, financial infidelity begins more innocuously.

James Nowlin, author of The Purposeful Millionaire: 52 Rules for Creating a Life of Happiness and Wealth Now, says financial infidelity typically starts out small. At first a spouse might hide a seemingly insignificant purchase, like a trip to the nail salon or a new golf club. Those hidden purchases go unnoticed and can snowball into a mountain of hidden spending.

The Popular Man, Jonathan Bennett, points out, “The deceived partner might not fully realize that his or her bills and credit are entangled…until it’s too late.”

Derek Hagen, a financial planner with Fireside Financial, notes, “The biggest bond at risk from financial infidelity is trust.”

Hagen recalls a scenario in which “a husband who had his hours cut in half at work (effectively a 50 percent pay cut) … didn’t want to tell his wife about it so he took out loans to hide this fact. Eventually he couldn’t keep getting loans so it was discovered. They are still together, but it was a rough couple of years’ worth of marriage counseling that got them here.”

When financial secrets in a marriage are discovered, communication and trust—which are two of the most important factors in any healthy marriage—can be damaged beyond repair, according to relationship therapist Kimberly Hershenson.

But is it really cheating?

Keeping purchases a secret from your spouse or hiding student debt may seem harmless. You’re paying your monthly loan installment, and that visit to the nail salon isn’t going to make or break your family’s monthly budget.

After all, it’s not like you physically cheated on your spouse, right?

Well, it depends on your definition of cheating.

Bennett weighs in: “Financial infidelity isn’t cheating in the traditional sense. However, in many ways financial infidelity is just as harmful, since it can create extra stress and have long-lasting, damaging effects on both the individual and the relationship.”

However, therapist and divorce mediator Toni Coleman believes that “[financial infidelity] is a form of cheating because it involves deceit that betrays a partner’s trust.”

Even if a couple’s financial problems seem insurmountable, a marriage can survive financial infidelity if both partners are willing to put in the work, says Hershenson.

Here are tips for getti
ng your marriage back on track, straight from financial and relationship experts:

1. Talk it out.

Open and honest communication between spouses is the first step toward recovery after financial infidelity.

“Communication and trust are two of the most important factors that make a healthy marriage,” Hershenson reiterates. “Without these two factors it is impossible to have a meaningful relationship.”

Money-saving expert Andrea Woroch agrees. “Communication is crucial. …Couples should start talking about money when their relationship goes from casual to committed. Discuss future life goals (both short-term and long-term); learn savings and spending styles; discuss your family’s attitude toward money; and even discuss debt balances. Figuring out where you two share common values and where you are on opposite sides of the spectrum will alleviate tension while helping you eventually align your financial views.”

Attorney Leslie Tayne agrees. “Finding the cause of the problem is the first step to understand[ing] why and how the financial infidelity occurred. Asking questions will help married couples determine if they are on the same page in working towards reaching their financial goals. …After getting the answers, then the couple should immediately start evaluating how they are going to work together to resolve the financial issues, rebuild trust, and get back on track financially.”

2. Build healthy financial transparency.

King recalls her first marriage: “My husband didn’t control every dollar, but he did make negative comments about every clothing purchase that I made. It was very degrading. Therefore, I hid many of those purchases. And yes, something that simple is financial infidelity. …We want to avoid the problem so we lie about it or hide things instead of facing the issue head on.”

King committed financial infidelity because of underlying issues in her marriage. In order to move forward, Woroch says it is imperative that couples get to the root of why the financial infidelity occurred in the first place.

Once a spouse comes clean about why the financial infidelity was committed, both partners can start working together to repair their marriage.

King suggests that couples moving forward from financial infidelity practice transparency. “If you have already committed financial infidelity, the first step is to come clean. Without transparency the problem will just get worse. And just like any other time trust is broken, you have to work on rebuilding it. Be honest about what the real issue is and move forward from there—setting up boundaries and guardrails that both parties are happy with.”

Tayne agrees. “Performing financial tasks together, for example, balancing the checkbook, re-evaluating the budget, reviewing credit card statements, can help couples form trust again when there is transparency. With any type of betrayal in a marriage, re-building trust won’t happen overnight, but if both parties are willing to work hard, the trust can be recovered.”

3. Make it a financial date night.

Who says date nights can’t be fun and practical at the same time? Woroch recommends setting aside one night a month to review your finances, including budgets, bills, and savings goals as a married couple. Financial date night is a good time to bring up money issues that are causing tension in the relationship, and these date nights can help stop financial infidelity before it begins.

Lavelle agrees that setting a regular date night to discuss financial goals and how each spouse will contribute to those goals is helpful in getting a marriage back on track after financial infidelity. And, Lavelle says, there’s no reason financial date night can’t be fun. Cue up some good background music, order your favorite takeout, and spend some unhurried time together considering where you are financially—and where you want to be going.

4. Double down on debt.

One of the worst things a couple can do in their marriage is ignore debt. Woroch recommends that married couples make a plan to tackle debt together and put aside any embarrassment or hard feelings about the amount of debt they owe. “Couples often neglect to share information about their debts … However, when you’re in a serious relationship … you’re also tying the other person into your financial issues so it’s important to
put it all out on the table.”

Lavelle says that not everyone can easily accept working together as a team, especially if the spouse who has come clean about their financial infidelity feels attacked or belittled. It’s not very romantic, but marriage legally binds two people together. That means that for better or worse, individual debts and financial setbacks become a problem for both partners. A couple must find a way to tackle debt together.

Woroch continues, “For future borrowing needs, banks and lenders may pull credit reports and credit histories of both spouses, so it’s important to understand one another’s current debt and credit situations.”

Most spouses who commit financial infidelity don’t intend to hurt their partner. Yet that is what happens when secrets are kept in a marriage.

If you have significant financial issues and aren’t married yet, summon the support and strength you need to discuss them before the big day arrives.

It’s a hard conversation to have, but trying to save your marriage after financial infidelity is so much harder.