Author: Mary Sauer

Many child performers … emerge with symptoms of anxiety and even depression when they fail to meet their parents’, as well as their own, high expectations.

I’ve never met a mom who doesn’t regret a decision she’s made about her children.
Some moms admit that they wish they’d been harder on or expected more of their children; others admit the exact opposite. Personally, I regularly feel I’ve put too much pressure on my oldest, who is not quite 6, to grow up faster than necessary. It’s difficult not to get caught up in their potential, wanting them to succeed and do well in school, dance, or sports.
I try to check myself anytime I notice I’m getting a little uptight about teaching her to read or feeling anxious that I haven’t enrolled her in dance, sports, or gymnastics. I know that, without limits and boundaries, parents can let their own interests and obsessions overpower what is best for their children.

Nothing makes this more evident than the bizarre world of the reality TV show Toddlers & Tiaras, which features toddler beauty pageant participants—and the moms that coach them through the whole thing.
Perhaps the most controversial moment on this show took place in 2011, when mom Wendy Dickey dressed her 3-year-old child as, well, a “woman of the night” for a pageant. She put her daughter, Paisley, in a revealing outfit that was obviously a nod to the woman Julia Roberts played in the film Pretty Woman. And for what? To win a contest?

Of course, most parents aren’t taking things quite that far. Still, day in and day out, moms are crossing the line of supportive parent and turning into “stage moms” in their own right. It’s not just moms who are guilty, either: The same can be said for fathers who let their love of a sport and their competitive spirit turn them into total out-of-control sports dads with no regard for what’s best for their children.
According to John Mayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist at Doctor On Demand, there are usually two explanations for why parents push their children too hard to perform.

“First, they are living vicariously through their child,” he says. “Second, the parents’ expectations of the child’s performance, interest, benefit, or ownership of the activity is inaccurate.”
Still, it is normal to want success for your child. So where is the line between supportive mom and stage mom? What sets cheerleading your children apart from excessive, ultra-competitive coaching?

The Good

Extracurricular activities, like dance, sports, or even pageants, aren’t inherently bad. In fact, at their core, they hold a lot of benefits for the children involved.

For starters, participation in extracurricular activities is associated with a lowered risk of substance abuse in high school, according to research in the journal Adolescent and Family Health. We also know that sports specifically promote strong relationships between kids and their friends, teachers, and family, as noted in the journal Sociology of Education.
“I am an advocate that all children should be participating in at least one extracurricular activity throughout the school year, and during the summer [I recommend they] increase that number,” Mayer says.

He further explains that many schools have shifted the focus of their curriculums to STEM subjects, i.e., science, technology, engineering, and math. Extracurricular activities can fill in the gaps, according to Mayer: They give children the chance to participate in physical education, the arts, music, and more when their school doesn’t provide that option during the school day.

Additionally, Mayer isn’t shy about the overwhelming benefits of these activities when it comes to child and adolescent development. He says these extracurriculars can teach teamwork, patience, and hard work. Participation can improve academic performance, aid the development of important social skills, and are beneficial to the child’s cognitive development, too.
“Extracurriculars stimulate areas of the brain, primarily in the frontal cortex, that stimulate creativity, artistic skills, empathy,” he says.

The Bad

Of course, even proponents of extracurriculars believe there can be too much of a good thing. In Mayer’s opinion, when involvement in extracurricular activities like sports and dance becomes so stressful to a child that they no longer want to be involved, that may be a clue that their parents are pushing too hard—or that the parents have let their own interests supersede what is best for the child.
Even children who don’t say they are no longer enjoying the activity may exhibit certain symptoms that can act as clues to parents and coaches.

“Many child performers who have too much pressure to achieve and perform emerge with symptoms of anxiety and even depression when they fail to meet their parents’, as well as their own, high expectations,” explains Fran Walfish, PsyD, a Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent.
According to Walfish, some of these children may develop what she calls “spoiled brat syndrome,” behaving so poorly that even their peers begin to back off, leaving them socially isolated.

Children who are unhappy with their involvement in certain activities but are afraid to say so may complain regularly about the coach, the instructor, or the other children involved, says Mayer. He also notes that any time parents find that they’re regularly yelling at their children about the participation in an activity, that’s a pretty good sign they’ve crossed the line from supportive parent to pushy “stage mom.”
“I see this every day in some form,” he says. “Just today, while consulting at a high school, a student was brought to me because he was depressed. I uncovered that the root of his depression was that his father screamed at him and punished him for dropping a sport.”

The Ugly

When parents push their kids much too hard in a specific activity, they just might be trying to find fulfillment that is missing from their life, according to Walfish.
“Stage moms generally have unfulfilled fantasies of their own,” she explains. “They attempt—usually without conscious awareness—to live out their dreams through their child. They push too hard, control, and over-direct their kids onto the stage.”

If “the bad” of being a stage mom is the fact that children may act out or experience anxiety and social isolation, than “the ugly” is the fact that too much pressure to perform has long-term negative impacts on children. Children and teens of stage moms often grow up to experience mental health struggles, according to Walfish: Because stage moms may be projecting their own identities onto their children, those children might have underdeveloped senses of self-identity.
“Sadly, many children of highly pressuring moms or dads evolve into adolescence and adulthood with a developed false self,” she says. “These kids grow up feeling a distorted belief that their mother will only love them if they present themselves in the highest form of achievement or personality-plus demeanor, not their true self.”

These children may grow into the adults who feel that no one sees, or loves, who they truly are. And even when they are highly successful, they may experience feelings that they are frauds, undeserving of the success they achieved.
The constant attention and pressure can also result in a child who believes the world revolves around them and their performance: A belief that will quickly be shattered in the adult world when they are no longer the center of attention.

What’s next for these children?

Some parents, of course, have restraint in their cheerleading. Their children, then, will experience the many benefits of extracurriculars; their parents just need to pay attention to them and make sure they’re participating in things they truly enjoy.
Yet children like Paisley, whose parents are so deeply entrenched in their own fantasies, have a difficult road ahead of them. In Walfish’s professional opinion, these kids must achieve a level of separation from their parents in order to recover from the damaging effects of a high-pressure childhood.

This is because most of these moms are completely unaware of how their own unfulfilled fantasies are causing harm to their child, according to Walfish, who doesn’t believe “stage moms” have much of a chance of making a change. Instead, she believes the focus of intervention should be on the affected child.
“If a warmly attuned therapist, teacher, coach, or extended family member can earn the trust of the child, a powerful message can be communicated to the child that explains the mother’s unresolved issues that have been put upon the child,” she explains. Conversations about the source of the pressure to perform can help the child to separate themselves and their identity from the parent’s issues.

“Separation is key to the child’s healing,” Walfish continues. “Separation only can happen when initiated and navigated by the child,” he says, noting that this separation often comes in adulthood.
What does that mean for shows like Toddlers & Tiaras? Even though some stage moms may never understand that their behavior is unacceptable, we have hope that the shows produces understand that a line was crossed: The show wasn’t renewed in 2017.

A case study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is raising questions about the safety of a postpartum practice in the natural health community.
According to the CDC, a newborn in Oregon became very ill after the mother, who was kept anonymous, began ingesting her placenta in dehydrated, capsule form. The baby had been born healthy, but returned to the hospital shortly after birth with respiratory problems and was eventually diagnosed with group B streptococcus agalactiae bacteremia, or GBS.

The infant was treated with antibiotics and returned home only to contract the infection a second time. This is when the mother brought up the placenta capsules she was consuming, prepared from her own placenta by a company she hired. When she stopped taking the capsules and her child was given a second antibiotic treatment, the baby made a complete recovery.
The doctors involved in the case believe that the mother contracted the infection from the capsules and then passed it on to her child, who she was breastfeeding.

Although only one case, this story is being used by the CDC to educate on the potential risks of ingesting placenta. The difficulty being faced is the fact that very little literature exists on the topic. We did a little digging around, curious if this story was indicative that all placenta ingestion is risky.

“What’s the point?”

For most mothers, ingesting the placenta after birth is done in hopes of easing the symptoms of the postpartum season. Those in favor of the practice believe that ingesting the placenta reduces postpartum bleeding, symptoms of postpartum depression, increases milks supply, and even boosts the mother’s energy.
Placenta encapsulation has become more popular recently, but it’s founded in the idea that mammals have always ingested their placenta after birth.

“Hundreds of thousands of women have encapsulated their placentas,” says Samantha Moore, certified postpartum placenta specialist and owner of My KC Doula. “Although there is no scientific evidence, there is mounds of anecdotal evidence that women have shared through that years that says, ‘Yes! It really does work!’”
It’s the lack of scientific evidence that gives doctors working in obstetrics, like Ira Jaffe, DO, an OB-GYN at Rosh Maternal Fetal Medicine in New York City, pause. Jaffe isn’t convinced of it’s effectiveness, yet chooses not to discourage his patients from taking their placenta home, instead talking with mothers about safety concerns to keep in mind.

“It’s not a subject that’s been very rigorously studied, so a lot of the conversation in the medical community is more about extrapolating from things that are known a little more clearly,” he explains. “What most medical professionals will say is ‘What’s the point?’ because there’s no evidence that says it’s helpful.”

Is placenta encapsulation safe?

While the safety of placenta encapsulation is only recently receiving national attention because of the Oregon case, it isn’t a new conversation. Postpartum doulas have long been having this conversation among themselves, criticizing poor practices and advocating for safer placenta storage and preparation.

“This story has definitely opened a lot of people’s eyes to the scariness that can be placenta encapsulation, but it’s important to realize that it doesn’t have to be this way.”

Opponents of placenta encapsulation have certainly used this single story as a means of questioning the safety of the practice entirely. In the CDC’s case study, mind you, it said that no standards exist for the processing of placenta for consumption.
That is true, but it also isn’t the nail in the coffin for placenta encapsulation. In fact, for placenta specialists who prioritize safety, this story is considered a blessing, finally starting a national conversation on what safe handling and encapsulation of placenta looks like.

“Clearly something is wrong in this industry that needs to be rectified immediately,” says Moore. “This story has definitely opened a lot of people’s eyes to the scariness that can be placenta encapsulation, but it’s important to realize that it doesn’t have to be this way. With proper protocols and safety, it can be a completely safe option for lots of women.”

“Doctors, the CDC, and the [Food and Drug Administration] need to jump on board with some stringent protocol to keep them safe.”

So what does safe placenta encapsulation look like, exactly? For starters, Moore says that the mother should never send her placenta home with someone to encapsulate. Instead, placenta specialists should work in the mother’s home, where the mother is fully aware of the cleanliness of the environment and can observe the entire process.
Additionally, anyone who is working with placenta should be blood-borne pathogen trained, according to Moore, which provides a complete understanding of the right way to care for the placenta being processed.
There are also basic safety and cleanliness practices that should be observed. For Moore, this means gloves, footies, a hair net, mask, and apron. She also meticulously sanitizes the environment and tools used for encapsulation.

When it comes to encapsulating placenta from moms who are group B strep positive, both Moore and Jaffe agree that additional precautions must be taken. Jaffe strongly urges against the use of the placenta in any instance of GBS, while Moore suggests rigorous safety measures before moving forward.
“A person that is GBS positive needs to be very careful that [their encapsulator] is upholding the highest safety standards possible,” Moore explains. “If your encapsulator can’t tell you exactly how they process to ensure that there will be no GBS bacteria left in your placenta, you should not hire them!”
Instead of demonizing the practice, Moore hopes that this case study with encourage the CDC to promote safe preparation of placentas.

“This is a service that women want,” she says. “Doctors, the CDC, and the [Food and Drug Administration] need to jump on board with some stringent protocol to keep them safe. They are doing a disservice to women everywhere by saying ‘don’t do it,’ because women will still do it, and it will continue to be done by pseudo-professionals who are not following safety protocol because they simply don’t know or don’t care.”
Jaffe is one such doctor who has taken the stand that, if a woman has decided this is a good option for her, he prefers she know how to safely proceed. He encourages them to carefully research their specialist, to be familiar with the environment in which the placenta will be prepared, and to be willing to say no to placenta encapsulation if they test positive for GBS.

Are there better options?

Erin Heger, mom of one, had her placenta encapsulated by a trusted doula. She hoped to lower her risk for postpartum depression and to support her body in making milk for her baby.
Heger admits that she’s fairly certain she wouldn’t try placenta encapsulation again if she decided to have another child. In her mind, it isn’t safety that gives her pause: She’s simply not sure about the benefits.
In her case, she felt the benefits were oversold. She felt the natural community she was involved in online had made out placenta encapsulation as the answer for postpartum depression. So, when she began to experience raging anxiety and depression after her son’s birth, she felt ashamed that her placenta capsules didn’t seem to be work, and actually postponed receiving formal treatment for postpartum depression as a result.

According to Jaffe, moms who are worried about postpartum depression should consider engaging in strategies that have been proven to work. Specifically, he recommends exercising one-to-three times a week, doing anything possible to get plenty of rest, and avoiding the isolation that is far too common for new moms.
“People are left on their own so much in nuclear families with small children, [and] it really challenges the woman in an extreme way,” he says. “I counsel patients to not be afraid to call on family members and friends. If you’re left feeling isolated, then it’s going to leave you feeling much more vulnerable to a serious clinical depression.”

Medication is something that some moms should be open to. It isn’t always necessary, especially among moms who are simply experiencing mood changes typical to new motherhood; women with a history of depression, however, should prepare themselves for the possibility of needing extra support in the form of anti-depressants.
It’s important to point out that doulas like Moore are not selling placenta encapsulation as a cure-all for depression. In fact, most take postpartum depression seriously enough to encourage the involvement of an OB-GYN or mental health professional. Moore not only encourages her clients to care for themselves in the postpartum period, she insists they speak with their care provider in the instance that depression or anxiety is becoming an issue.

“As a postpartum placenta specialist, it’s a very important part of our training that we never suggest that placenta [capsules] are a postpartum depression medication,” she explains. “I am more than happy to perform the service and help them through the process as they choose, but my role as a postpartum doula and postpartum placenta specialist is very clear … .I am not a mental health professional.”

In 2012, after being accused of taking her 5-year-old daughter into a local tanning booth, New Jersey mom Patricia Krentcil was charged with second-degree child endangerment.
Krentcil insisted her daughter was never exposed to the rays of the tanning booth. Though the appearance of burns on her daughter was what originally drew attention to the family, the parents swore the child had been burned while playing outside.

In an interview with an NBC affiliate in New York, Krentcil said that her daughter had been tagging along with her to the tanning booth for some time, but she’d merely been in the room, not in the tanning bed. Up until 2012, no one had taken issue with this habit, which she compared with bringing a child along on a trip the grocery store. The girl’s father believed that a teacher overheard her talking about going tanning with her mom at school but misinterpreted the conversation. Dubbed “Tan Mom” by media outlets, Krentcil was released on a $25,000 bail, and the story slowly faded out of national attention.
Five years later, however, Krentcil is back in the spotlight—as of July 2017, she’s thinking of suing her daughter’s school after the now 11-year-old allegedly came home with a sunburn. “After what they did to me, they didn’t put lotion on her? This time, I’m going after them,” she told the New York Post.

Ultimately, it’s hard to say what really went down with Krentcil and her daughter, but the story does raise interesting questions about parents who force lifestyle choices on their children. Of course, this example is extreme—most parents don’t take their little ones tanning—but that doesn’t mean we can’t all learn a lesson from this. Even parents who would never imagine endangering their child’s health are guilty of pushing them to adopt certain lifestyles.

Common Lifestyle Choices Forced on Children

Tanning may not be your thing, but you still might be guilty of forcing certain activities on your children. One of the most common examples among school-aged kids are parents who place too high of a priority on extra-curricular activities likes sports and dance.

Per Jody A. Dean, PhD, a clinical psychologist with 28 years of experience specializing in children, adolescents, and athletes: “When we talk about academics or athletics or something like dance or cheer,” there is a line between when someone “… is just being a really good parent … pushing their child to try something, to try to get better at something, to try to get skilled at something,” and “when [parents are] actually doing potential damage to the child.”
Dean describes a scenario she has experienced multiple times in her clinical practice: Parents enlist her help in convincing their child, most frequently a boy, to be more motivated in sports. These parents are certain that this child has a natural talent for a specific sport, and they feel that it would be waste for him not to play.

“The parents will go out of the room. I look at the kid, and he would say, ‘I don’t want to do this. I like science. I don’t like this sport,’” she says.
It isn’t just sports, of course. Parents may become fixated on involving their child in dance, academics, or singing. One woman, who has chosen to remain anonymous, shares that being pushed by her mother to train as a classical singer at a strict, religious university was incredibly draining.
“This led to five years of me studying under a man who demanded complete control of my life. Food, social life, everything was related back to the operation of my voice, and grooming me for a life on the opera stage,” she shares with HealthyWay.
Years later, she says she is still working through the damage caused by her experience, especially since her faith was integrated with her training.

Other parents may become fixated on their child’s appearance, according to Dean, and this can create an especially unhealthy dynamic between parent and child. Specifically, Dean has seen preteen girls wearing platform heels and short skirts at the mall with their moms, who are dressed in the same way.
“It’s strange,” says Dean. “The moms are really pushing these young girls to [dress] in a way that isn’t appropriate when you’re 9 or 10. It has a lot to do with the parent or mom who is aging and isn’t getting the attention she was getting [previously].”

Know when you’ve crossed the line.

According to Dean, it can be difficult for parents to realize they have crossed the line. It’s okay to put pressure on kids in situations where they need a little extra help staying motivated, she says, but how much is too much?

Children generally react in one of three ways when engaging in activities and hobbies, says Dean. First, there are children who have a genuine love for a certain activity: “The child is super engaged. In other words, they love to go to … practice—they possibly even love the activity outside of when they’re doing it.”
On the opposite end of the spectrum, there are children who are being pushed into something they have no interest in and do not enjoy. After two or three sessions of the activity, these children are still complaining, according to parenting resource Active for Life.

When they are doing it, they are going to look miserable, they’re going to act miserable, and they really are miserable.

Somewhere in the middle is a grey area, according to Dean: “We see parents who are trying to determine, ‘is this a child who needs a push, or have I stepped over the line?’ When the child wants to do it [but gets lazy]. We all get lazy, right?”

In terms of sports, Active for Life wrote that while “a little nudge” helps children overcome initial shyness, it’s important to respect your child’s wishes if they continually loath the activity.
“Remember that this is about your child’s long-term attitude toward sport and well being, not about you,” the article reads. “Resist insisting on participation because you want to get your money’s worth. Or because you’re worried about your child being a ‘quitter’.”

This is a great diagnostic for safe activities, like sports, dance, and academics. Yet if an activity could ever be harmful to a child, such as dieting or tanning, there is no grey area.

How Forcing Certain Lifestyles on Kids Does Harm

Although some parents may feel there is no harm in pushing their child to engage in an activity, if they are truly unhappy and uninterested, this parenting habit can do harm to the child. Convinced their child is the next great pianist or MLB player, parents may create an unhealthy dynamic with their child.
“Some parents believe the child is so talented in a specific area [and] if they don’t follow this path, if they … they don’t become incredibly successful, that’s their last chance. Which is probably never the case. [Parents] really do become obsessed with themselves,” Dean says.

In this situation, the very best move is to ask for an outside perspective. Dean recommends that parents check in with coaches, teachers, and peers for honest feedback on how their child is doing in a particular activity. Additionally, parents can watch for symptoms that their child is miserable.
“What you’re going to start seeing from these kids is absolutely no engagement in the activity,” she says. “When they are doing it, they are going to look miserable, they’re going to act miserable, and they really are miserable.”

In her clinical experience, she has witnessed children who consistently act out to get out of an activity: they pick a fight with their parents right before getting in the car, stomp back inside, and lock themselves in their room.
Dean was clear that this is different from occasional acting out or laziness, which happens with many kids who just need an extra push. She says parents should watching for regular efforts by kids to sabotage their participation in an activity by acting out.

Other children may not act out; they’ll simply show signs that they are unhappy. They aren’t interested in the sport when they’re not playing, they don’t have friends on the team or in a class, or they don’t go out of their way to learn more.
“Kids will also feel sick. They’ll say, ‘I don’t feel good. I have a stomach ache. I feel sick.’ I have a couple of patients, actually, who would get so sick before they had to do sports [that they would] vomit …” shares Dean.

Ultimately, parents should remember to put their child’s’ best interests first. A little push from parents can be great motivation for a child, according to Dean, but prioritizing your own interests over the child’s is a whole different beast.
Children are their own people, and they should never be required to emulate their parents’ lifestyles when it isn’t in their best interest.

Life as a pregnant woman is full of rules and guidelines. You can’t eat or drink this, they say. Make sure you’re eating and drinking that. Always sleep on your left side.
Loni Jane Anthony knows the pressure firsthand. As a popular blogger who adheres to a strict, plant-based diet, the Australian has experienced her fair share of pushback from fans during her pregnancies. Mainly, she gets criticized for following her strict vegan lifestyle during her pregnancies and while breastfeeding.

In an interview with The Daily Mail, nutritionist Fiona Hunter actually called Anthony “deluded” for believing her diet was the best choice for her unborn child. But when Anthony gave birth to a healthy, 8.7-pound baby who thrived while breastfeeding—even as she continued her plant-based diet—she finally silenced those who criticize her lifestyle. She continues to believe that a plant-based, vegan lifestyle is the perfect option for pregnant or breastfeeding moms, as well as her growing toddlers.
Now, I’m no vegan, but I find it interesting to see how much time is spent policing women’s health choices while pregnant and breastfeeding. During my own pregnancy, for instance, I was criticized on more than one occasion for eating fish, despite the fact that the FDA actually encourages women to eat certain fish during pregnancy. However, it seems that since some high-mercury fish are off-limits while you’re pregnant, many people have uniformed opinions about women eating all fish.

If you’ve ever been pregnant, you know that opinions about how to care for your body and your unborn child can be a source of controversy. It turns out, though, that beliefs about nutrition during pregnancy vary greatly from culture to culture. This may leave pregnant women scratching their heads—who’s really got it right?—wondering what foods and practices are okay for their unborn child.

So, before we move on, we should understand the basic tenets of a healthy pregnancy.

Although there is plenty of disagreement across cultures when it comes to nutrition recommendations for pregnant women (and even within cultures), there are some basic things that the global health community agrees on. This is largely thanks to the World Health Organization (WHO), which shares basic guidelines for a healthy pregnancy, no matter your culture or dietary habits.

Pregnant women should eat a varied diet of protein, fats and fatty acids, carbohydrates, vitamins, and minerals, the WHO says. They should consume plenty of green and orange vegetables along with protein sources like meat, beans, and nuts. The organization also recommends that all dairy consumed during pregnancy is pasteurized and that women remain active during their pregnancy to avoid excessive weight gain.

But like I said, what women eat during pregnancy appears to vary greatly from culture to culture.

And many cultures, it seems, aren’t quite as uptight as the United States’.

There really weren’t many no-nos…

While I’ve always been provided with a whole list of foods I needed to avoid while pregnant, moms in other cultures don’t necessarily have the same experience. Valerie Turner Quirey, mom of one, was pregnant and gave birth in Brazil, but was only given one piece of advice from her obstetrician during pregnancy: “Don’t get fat.”

“One month, he felt like I had gained too much [weight], and he told my husband to not let me eat so much… but that was literally the only guidance he gave me,” she says, adding that she ate a Nutella crepe soon after.
Another mother, who has three children and was pregnant in both Ireland and Belgium, said that she wasn’t given much guidance in Ireland—she was allowed to continue eating as she did when she wasn’t expecting. In Belgium, however, their recommendations were similar to the advice she had been given in the United States.
“In Ireland they don’t really talk about it,” she says. “In Belgium, they suggest eating salmon once every other week, eating a lot of protein, greens, and fruit … staying away from raw food.”

Brittany Sprague, a mom of three who was pregnant and gave birth to her youngest in Finland, says that the mentality about nutrition during pregnancy there was one of personal choice.
“Living in a place where fresh fish was the norm, sushi wasn’t as much as a no-no,” she shares. “A multi-vitamin wasn’t mentioned ever. There really weren’t many no-nos, but the food there is a lot fresher and it is quite obvious when it goes bad.”

Although women were discouraged from smoking in Finland, Sprague says, many still did and got very little criticism for it. Her experience makes sense, considering literature created for pregnant moms in Finland, like this pregnancy handbook by The Ministry of Labour, takes a pretty relaxed approach on the topic. In fact, the exact words used are that the mother and her partner should “consider giving up smoking.”
“There seems to be more of a ‘operate at your own risk’ mentality,” Sprague shares. “It was really freeing, a lack of judgement overall.”
Note: On the subject of smoking, it seems the U.S.’ cautiousness is for good reason. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), smoking while pregnant increases the chances of early birth, birth defects, and SIDS, to scratch the surface.

On Drinking

Of course, whether or not you eat meat during a pregnancy is not all that controversial in the grand scheme of things. Comparatively, there are many more fascinating variations that exist from culture to culture for pregnant/breastfeeding women.

For starters, the international thoughts on drinking during pregnancy and breastfeeding aren’t as black and white as you might think. In the United States, the CDC takes a hard stance on drinking: Don’t do it. “There is no safe time to drink alcohol during pregnancy,” they write, warning that children may suffer from things such as poor coordination, speech and language delays, intellectual disabilities, and heart, kidney, or bone problems.
The German government has more recently taken a very strong stance on drinking while pregnant, launching an entire campaign encouraging women to avoid so much as a sip while pregnant.
In comparison, some French women take a more relaxed approach to drinking. Although the official stance in France is abstaining from alcohol throughout pregnancy, many women still drink in moderation, trusting other mothers as their source of advice over their doctors, according to Stéphanie Toutain, PhD, in a 2010 study.

Beyond the more commonly known taboos surrounding drinking during pregnancy, different cultures have more specific, interesting rules about what a woman should or shouldn’t consume.

In traditional Chinese medicine, for example, pregnancy is viewed as a hot and damp condition, according to Elizabeth Trattner, a holistic practitioner who integrates ancient medicine into her practice.

“Mothers are encouraged to eat cooling foods like watermelon and cucumbers,” she says. “If a mother has hyperemesis (morning sickness), both herbs and food are prescribed to help with the nausea.”
In the past, food taboos in Nigeria were a factor in widespread malnutrition during pregnancy, according to research in the International Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology. In 1982, researcher EA Ugwa reported that two-thirds of pregnant women were avoiding milk, cowpea seeds, and the nutritional supplement Bournvita for fear of their baby becoming too large.

In 2016, a study published in The Annals of Medical Health & Science Research suggested that food restriction during pregnancy was no longer as prevalent of a problem in Nigeria. Specifically, their findings showed a wider understanding throughout the culture that eating more calories and consuming protein and fats during pregnancy are important to the health of mother and baby.
In my own pregnancies, I heard my fair share of warnings about two of my favorite foods: sushi and coffee. The truth is, most of the apprehension about consuming either is widely anecdotal.

Most respected sources in the United States, such as The American Congress of Obstetrics and Gynecology, suggest moderation of caffeine instead of completely abstaining, stating that there isn’t enough research to make a definitive decision about the impact of caffeine on miscarriage risk and preterm birth.
There are other countries that don’t appear to be even that strict. In the UK, one writer for The Guardian reported being told to limit herself to five cups of tea or a couple cups of coffee a day, which doesn’t see like that much of a limitation.

When it comes to eating sushi, multiple American mothers tell me they felt uncomfortable eating it at all (or felt they might be judged by others), but sushi isn’t inherently dangerous for pregnant women—it’s the risk of foodborne illness that is the big concern, which is a risk anytime you consume raw or undercooked food, according to Canadian Family Physician. As long as women are avoiding fish that is high in mercury and careful about raw fish, they can feel comfortable eating their favorite sushi roll throughout their pregnancy, according to the British National Health Service.

Being pregnant can be an experience filled with anxiety, and endless nutritional guidelines may only heighten anxiety for expecting moms.

Outside of a few obvious no-nos, like drinking and smoking, it seems best to focus on what moms should be eating—plenty of fruits, vegetables, and healthy sources of fat and protein. And honestly, even that decision should be between the mother and her doctor.

Fear primarily emanates from two sources: the unknown … and what we don’t understand.

MarySue Grivna was a developmentally typical 9-year-old girl when she experienced a sudden onset of acute disseminated encephalomyelitis, also known as ADEM. She went to bed one night in November of 2013 feeling fine and woke the next morning completely paralyzed, according to ABC Action News in Tampa, Florida. Her parents believe it was the flu shot she had received the week before that triggered this debilitating disease.

ADEM is a disease that is characterized by a short-but-devastating attack on the myelin, which protects nerve fibers in our brain and spinal cord, according to The National Institute of Neurological Disorders. This extremely rare disorder is most typically triggered by an infection of some kind, but in rarer cases, it occurs shortly after a vaccination.

Although doctors are uncertain if Marysue’s condition was caused by her flu vaccination, stories like these inevitably raise questions about vaccine safety. Do stories like these confirm the need to be cautious about vaccines, or are they rare coincidences?

Understand the Fear of Vaccines

Being fearful of vaccinations isn’t widespread, but it is more prevalent than most might assume. Each year, the United States government aims for 95 percent of children enrolled in public school to be up-to-date on their vaccinations. Each year, they fall short of this goal, according to CNN Health.

[Parents believe] flu shots are like rolling a dice.

More specifically, a 2015 survey by NPR found that only 62 percent of 3,000 survey participants reported that they had received their flu vaccine or planned to in the near future. Interestingly enough, this was a trend that was consistent across all income levels and education levels. The only population that really stood out above the rest was those over the age of 65, who had much higher vaccination rates than younger populations.

When it comes to the reasons parents delay or opt out of vaccinations, there a few popular reasons for their concerns, according to John Mayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist at Doctor On Demand.

Parents are concerned about the side effects, he says; they’re concerned that their child may develop autism or actually catch the flu after getting the vaccination. And although there are many proven risks factors for contracting the flu virus, parents tend to be fearful of the flu vaccination because vaccinating their child is a choice they make.

“Parents are actively participating in getting the flu shot for the child,” says Mayer. “Whereas they are innocent bystanders if the child happens to get the flu. It’s out of their control. It creates a parental excuse of, ‘It wasn’t my fault they got the flu.’”

As strange as it might seem, parents generally respond much better to the difficulties children experience when they feel they haven’t played a role in inflicting those difficulties on their child.

Additionally, many parents aren’t convinced that the flu shot does what it promises to do. They either believe the shot is ineffective or that their children’s immune systems are capable of fighting off the virus on their own.

“[Parents believe] flu shots are like rolling a dice,” explains Mayer. “ … Many years ago, there may have been some validity to this fear, but better research and vaccines makes the flu shot [much more] effective.”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention wrote that the vaccination “reduces the risk of flu illness by between 40% and 60% among the overall population during seasons when most circulating flu viruses are well-matched to the flu vaccine.”

Social Media and Vaccine Fears

For parents trying to make a decision about the flu vaccine, the internet can be a blessing or a curse. In some cases, parents can use the internet to research vaccines and become well-informed on how safe and effective the shot is for children. On the other hand, social media has presented the opportunity for the spread of information about vaccines that may or may not be accurate.

When there is some dramatic, highly emotional case that may or may not be factually true … it runs through communities kind of like wildfire.

“Social media has greatly affected decisions about vaccines,“ shares Mayer. “The posting and publishing of lay persons speculating about the horrors of vaccines has left scars on the general public. … Before the term ‘fake news’ became so present in our world, these ‘chicken-little’ alarms that celebrities and other non-medical people voices about vaccines were fake news.”

Christine Johns, MD, a pediatric emergency physician who has been practicing for over fifteen years, agrees. Johns says she doesn’t feel that parents have always been as fearful of vaccines as they are today. In fact, she specifically maintains her social media presence as a physician so she can be a voice speaking up for the safety and effectiveness of flu vaccines and call out those who use their platform to spread fear of vaccines without sound, scientific evidence.

“When there is some dramatic, highly emotional case that may or may not be factually true, … parents pick up on that, and it runs through communities kind of like wildfire,” she says. “All of a sudden … people are drawing grossly generalized, inaccurate conclusions rather than taking a look at the science.”

The Facts About the Flu Vaccine

The truth about vaccines, specifically the flu vaccine, is that they are safe and effective, according to Johns. Vaccines are studied thoroughly and have been used on a massive scale effectively and safely for some time.

You may get a little bit of an inflammatory reaction, but you cannot get the flu [from the flu vaccine].

When it comes to popularly held beliefs that the flu vaccine isn’t effective, she explains why people adopt these beliefs even though they’re not factually accurate: The flu does adapt each year, and creating the vaccine requires thorough research and prediction of which strains will be circulating in the upcoming flu season. Johns believes that, because the virus does adapt quicker some years, and some people do get the flu, people begin spreading stories about the flu shot that do not represent its effectiveness as a whole.

“People say, ‘my kid got the vaccine but got the flu,’ and they think it isn’t working [overall],” she says.

When it comes to the risks of the vaccine, people should know that the risks and complications associated with influenza are much more likely than vaccine injury. While vaccine injuries are easily sensationalized on social media, it is the complications associated with the flu that pediatricians and emergency room physicians are seeing day in and day out.

“The risk of complications from the flu, certainly for the person who has a compromised immune system, is much high[er] than the risk of getting the flu vaccine,” she explains. “Really, the risks of the flu vaccine are very minimal.”

Specifically, Johns says the risks associated with the vaccine are minor symptoms for up to 48 hours, including low energy and tenderness at the site of the injection for a couple of days.

“You can’t get the flu from the flu vaccine. This year, it is the injection of the flu vaccine … We’re not using the live nasal spray. You may get a little bit of an inflammatory reaction, but you cannot get the flu,” she explains further.

When it comes to serious complications of the vaccine, they are very few and far between. One specific complication that is a big fear among vaccine recipients is Guillain-Barré Syndrome; however, research has found the the risk for GBS among people who have received a flu vaccine is one or two out of every one million people. Additionally, this rare disease is actually more likely among individuals who have had the flu virus, not the flu vaccine, according to the CDC.

And concerning ADEM, which affects Marysue: the condition only affects 0.000008 percent of people in a year, and only 5 percent of those few cases might be related to a vaccine, according to the National Multiple Sclerosis Society. Although Marysue’s story is heartbreaking, it is only one story among hundreds of millions of safe uses of the flu vaccine.

Addressing Fears of the Flu Vaccine

It is important that parents address their fears of complications and understand how to distinguish between fact and fiction about the flu vaccine. Everyone over the age of 6 months should have a flu vaccine, according to Johns—even those who are pregnant or breastfeeding.

… we need to be good stewards for humanity and get [vaccinated] to protect ourselves, our children, our neighbors, and our community.

“The advice I have for parents is to carefully research their fears about vaccines,” suggests Mayer. “Use multiple authoritative, trusted sources. Fear primarily emanates from two sources: the unknown … and what we don’t understand. Information … eliminates those fears.”

Additionally, Mayer urges parents to make the experience as low-anxiety as possible for their children by remaining positive. Parents can practice role playing with their child before the shot, explaining to them exactly what will happen at the next visit. He warns against pretending it isn’t that big of a deal or suggesting it won’t hurt; instead, he urges parents to explain that it will hurt but only for a short time, and that they won’t get sick because of the shot.

Ultimately, the choice to vaccinate isn’t just about a single family or single child. Parents should consider how their choice will affect those around them, like other students in their child’s school or daycare.

“Even if you or your child could weather the flu without any difficulty … there are a lot of people with chronic medical problems who will not get through it without any trouble,” says Johns. “… we need to be good stewards for humanity and get it to protect ourselves, our children, our neighbors, and our community.”

… as much as you think you’ve baby- or child-proofed your home, there will always be something you didn’t realize could be harmful.

For mom of two Christina Moreland, author of the Secrets of the Super Mom series, learning by experience was what led her to become more aware of potential safety risks in her home.

Years ago, when her youngest son was 3, he took off to run laps around the house with his bigger brother.

“Then we heard a very strange cry from the other room,” she tells HealthyWay. “I went around [to] find Luke on the ground. He had slipped and fallen in his socks while chasing his brother. I got him up and he started crying, his eyes started rolling back into his head, and he began vomiting.”

Moreland immediately suspected a concussion and took her son to the ER right away. After a CT scan and some monitoring, her son was fine, but his unexpected injury completely changed the rules in their house.

“Now we never let him wear socks around the house, and running in the house is still not allowed,” she explains, admitting that last rule wasn’t so easy to enforce with two active boys.

Moreland’s story is exceptional in the sense that most parents wouldn’t think twice about their kids running in socks around the house. At the same time, there is something incredibly common about her story: something seemingly innocent was the source of her child’s injury.

Most new parents stock up on baby-proofing supplies when they first have a child, but in some cases, it isn’t enough. Thinking outside of the box and considering the unlikely just might help prevent an accidental injury in your home. Below are seven seemingly innocent things you probably wouldn’t expect to put your kids in harm’s way.

The Safety Devices That Could be Dangerous

It may be hard to believe, but your child’s infant car seat could actually cause an injury if you’re not careful. Even safety devices need to be used according to manufacturer guidelines to be truly safe.

Inside the car, children should always be snugly buckled. Children shouldn’t wear extra clothing, puffy coats, or have blankets beneath the harness, as this could be prevent the car seat from doing its job if you get into a wreck, wrote Emily A. Thomas, PhD, in an article for Consumer Reports.

Reports like those are giving more and more parents better understandings of proper car seat use while driving, but fewer understand the risks related to using them while shopping or at home.

For instance, using a detachable car seat in a shopping cart is a fairly common practice, but it is actually not recommended by manufacturers. Even though the clips appear to be perfect for hooking the seat in the child seat of the shopping cart, they’re not. In a 2017 study published in the journal Pediatrics, detachable infant car seats were found to be responsible for 19.5 percent of injuries caused by baby products, and a third of those injuries happened when the seat fell from an elevated surface, like the top of a shopping cart.

When used outside of the car, infant car seats should always be placed on the floor—and truthfully, children shouldn’t be spending an extended amount of time in them when you’re not driving.

A Risky Bedtime Routine

For many families, a bath before bed is an essential part of bringing their child’s day to a peaceful close. Of course, we would never suggest that parents stop bathing their kids before their bedtime story, but we certainly think that parents should take bath time safety very, very seriously.

“Most young children are taught to love water from a young age in an effort to make them enjoy bath time, but we often forget just how dangerous water can be,” advises Max Robinson, who writes for PreciousLittleOne, a parenting blog full of child-rearing and child safety advice.

Robinson urges parents to make sure they understand that drowning during bath time is a serious risk, even in just a few inches of water. Additionally, many parents simply don’t consider that their child may be able to work the tap themselves until an accident happens. Specifically, young children face the risk of burning themselves in the tub.

“Most taps will provide water that is hot enough to burn a young child,” Robinson says. “The best way to prevent these accidents from happening is to ensure that taps are not child-friendly. Items like the Tap Strap fit on most taps and will make it near impossible for your child to turn on the tap.”

Jump at Your Own Risk

At-home trampolines are a popular way for kids to get plenty of exercise and entertainment, but they are unfortunately a frequent source of injury for children of all ages. As the contraptions have become more popular, rates of injuries have increased, with as many as 3,164 hospitalizations due to trampoline injuries in a single year, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics.

In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics believes that the risk of injury is so great that they advise parents to forego buying at-home trampolines altogether.

“Pediatricians should counsel their patients and families against recreational trampoline use and explain that current data indicate safety measures have not significantly reduced injury rates and that catastrophic injuries do occur,” their website reads. And, for families who can’t let go of this beloved recreational equipment, the AAP recommends strict rules about one jumper at a time and constant adult supervision.

Risks Beneath Your Feet

According to Sokhom Som, global brand manager at Safety 1st, many parents focus so much on making sure the kitchen and living room are safe that they miss the hazards in other areas of their home.

“Hazards can be found … in any room, including the bathroom, home office, and bedrooms,” Som advises, and emphasizes looking out for things that would cause falls.

“Try to keep hallways clear of extra clutter such as laundry, shoes, or toys,” she urges.

“Accent rugs are often overlooked when safeguarding the home,” continues Som. “Removing them during the ‘learning to walk’ stage allows your toddler to bumble around with ease.”

Additionally, Som shares a few tips for making sure the bathroom is especially safe from falls: Parents should move all medicine into cabinets that are either locked or far out of reach of the child, Som says. Also, non-slip bath mats will help prevent a slip and fall on tile floors that have become slippery during bath time.

Unexpected Bedroom Risks

When it comes to baby-proofing your home, making sure your child’s bedroom is safe should be a top priority, as they will spend more time playing there independently as they grow older. Most parents likely have the electric outlets covered, but there are other risks that often get missed, according to Som.

First, parents should be certain that all dressers, bookcases, and other heavy furniture are carefully secured to the walls using furniture straps, like those offered by Safety 1st. Window blinds provide an unexpected risk, as well, because of dangling cords: parents should may sure these cords are securely tucked away to prevent a baby or toddler from becoming accidentally tangled, advises Som.

Baby Gate Mistakes

Having baby gates installed in your home is incredibly important, but just like any other safety device, you have to be certain you are using it properly if you really want to prevent an accident.

“Make sure to install gates specifically designed for [where you’re putting it],” says Som, as some are designed for doorways and others are designed for stairways.

“Don’t put pressure-mounted gates at the top of stairs, as they aren’t strong enough to prevent falls,” explains Som, who suggests the Safety 1st Ready to Install Gate, which is specifically meant for the top and bottom of stairs and to block off rooms.

Parenting is scary enough without worrying about safety hazards you’ve overlooked in your home.

If you are concerned about unexpected ways your child could get injured, there are a few things you can do to put your mind at ease.

“The best way to prevent home injuries with children is to crawl around your house on your hands and knees and look at everything from their eye level,” says Moreland. “What’s tempting to touch? What did you think you put away but is clearly not safe yet? Try to think intentionally about what could happen, because as much as you think you’ve baby- or child-proofed your home, there will always be something you didn’t realize could be harmful.”

Additionally, there are a lot of resources out there that parents can use to make sure they’ve covered all the bases when it comes to child safety. Specifically, Safety 1st has a “Make My Home Safe” calculator available for free online. This calculator walks parents through questions they may might not think of themselves and then recommends safety products specifically for their home.

As a first-time mom, I was certain I wouldn’t be breastfeeding in public. Don’t hate me; I know just how controversial the topic can be, but at the time I thought breastfeeding in public was kind of weird. I didn’t understand why moms wanted to breastfeed around others. And after a few weeks of nursing my own baby, I promised myself I’d stick to breastfeeding at home or at least in a private place.

It didn’t take long for that perspective to change. When reality set in after my second was born, I realized why so many moms breastfeed in public. The truth is, you either learn to get comfortable with nursing just about anywhere or you learn to be okay with being stuck in your house with a newborn and a toddler seven days a week.

Even more important, my daughter’s needs—specifically the fact that she needed to nurse frequently to gain weight appropriately—far superseded my desire to have my preferred environment for breastfeeding.

This is just one of the many ways motherhood has changed me. Most of the changes I’ve experienced, such as learning to be okay with breastfeeding in public, have been positive. Having three kids has taught me more patience and made me grow in more ways than I can count.

Of course, there have also been ways that motherhood has forced me to let some standards slide. It’s inevitable, really, since I’ve been chronically sleep deprived and carrying a never-ending to-do list around for the last five years of my life. I swore I wouldn’t gain weight, but my body has become softer, the lines around my eyes more defined. I swore I’d keep my house clean, but I can’t, and won’t, say no to the chance for a long cuddle with my kids.

More striking, perhaps, is just how much having children has changed my expectations. All those things I swore I’d never do? They’re now a regular part of my life. From the ridiculous to the gross, I don’t think twice about doing whatever I need to do to survive this journey of young motherhood, and I’m certainly not alone.

Keep your judgments to yourself. Here are a whole host of things that seem gross and weird until you actually become a parent.

Immune Boosting

These days, I don’t think twice about retrieving a pacifier off the floor and popping it in my mouth for a quick “clean,” but I can totally see why so many non-parents find this habit downright disgusting.

In fact, I remember judgmentally watching a mom do this while I was pregnant with my first.

Now it’s just one more thing on the long list of things I used to think were beyond gross. I’m not the only mom who swore she’d never pick up this dirty little habit before becoming a mom only to pick it up quickly after the baby was born.

“I totally popped the kid’s pacifier in my mouth to lick it off because…desperation,” admits Jeanne Eschenberg Sager, mom of one.

We’re not lazy…we’re protecting them from allergies.

“Science has come to our rescue! We’re not lazy…we’re protecting them from allergies,” she adds, referencing a study published in Pediatrics that found convincing evidence that this parenting habit might be beneficial to developing immune systems.

While we’re at it, now seems like a good time to confess that most of us moms have gotten incredibly comfortable with cleaning out our kids’ noses. We know it’s gross, but somebody has to do it.

“I pull boogers out of her nose with my fingers. I still think it’s gross, but it’s better than finding snot smeared on my breast after nursing,” shares Jessica Sillers.

Mealtime Matters

When you’re a first-time mom, it’s easy to hold yourself to high standards when it comes to what and how you will feed your kid. My goodness, does time change things. One day you’re all organic everything and homemade baby food, and the next you’re digging around in the bottom of your purse for that half-eaten sucker your toddler made you promise to save for later.

For instance, mother Katherine Clover confesses to regularly looking the other way when her toddler eats cereal off the floor, even when she’s certain the floor is dirty.

There’s more. Some moms tell HealthyWay that pre-chewing their kids’ food when they’re too young to chew it themselves is a regular occurrence these days.

“[I] pre-chew something I’m eating to feed to her when in pu
blic. It’s generally only if I’m caught without baby food or something she can manage on her own,” mom Heather Knox admits.

Although Robin Berls’ children are past the baby food stage of their life, she recalls biting their grapes in half or using her teeth to peel them.

“It pretty much looked like I was pre-chewing their food,” she says. Feel free to be grossed out, but this little habit is easy to pick up on as a mom when you consider the alternative. Grapes and other round foods are serious choking hazards. Personally, I’d rather share a little saliva than risk my kid getting something caught in their throat!

Bathroom Confessions

Diaper changes and potty training have to be some of the most disgusting aspects of parenting young kids, but they quickly start to feel commonplace.

Diapers that may have left me gagging with my first kid barely faze me now, and Katie Ann, a mom of two, admits her relationship with bodily fluids has completely transformed since becoming a mom.

“Cloth diapering has made me pretty comfortable with poop situations in general,” she says.

Beyond diapering, things don’t really get a whole lot more sanitary. When I was a new mom, I kind of assumed that things got better after potty training, but that hasn’t been the case. Endless accidents—at home and in public—quickly make you comfortable with dealing with situations most people would find utterly repulsive.

…my kid snuck in my bed at night and then peed in his sleep.

“I’ve put a towel on the bed and rolled over to go back to sleep when my kid snuck in my bed at night and then peed in his sleep,” admits Katie McKelvie Backfield.

What’s privacy?

Most women enter into motherhood with some pretty firm boundaries about things like privacy, modesty, and personal space. Children, and everything that comes with keeping them fed and cared for, have this amazing ability to smash all of those boundaries.

“I don’t like to go to the bathroom with anyone in the room, even if it’s just pee, and that includes my wife. Actually for a long time I felt that way about my kid too, but after they just follow you enough times while excitedly saying, ‘Pooping? Pooping? Mama pooping?’ you get over it I guess,” says Clover, who says she swore she’d never let her kids follow her into the bathroom when she first became a mom.

And it isn’t just how we feel about privacy around our kids that changes. Many moms confess that motherhood has completely changed how they feel about what it means to be modest in public or around friends and family.

I totally breastfed in front of my dad.

“I totally breastfed in front of my dad. I swore that he was the one person I would never go boobs-out in front of, but that lasted about a week. He was zero percent fazed by it,” shares mom Kimberly Miller Schwartz.

House Rules

Let’s be honest, kids are capable of creating impressive messes in a matter of minutes. Once they’re walking, climbing, and running, it is nearly impossible to keep up with them or the disaster they leave behind. Because of this, many moms admit to letting their housekeeping standards slip after having kids, even those who swore they would prioritize a tidy and clean house after becoming a parent.

I remember going to visit friends with kids and being totally grossed out.

“I remember going to visit friends with kids and being totally grossed out by the state of their bathrooms in particular. I would wipe my hands on my pants rather than use their suspect hand towels. Now I wipe my hands on my pants rather than use OUR suspect hand towels. With one kid it wasn’t so bad, but with two? It’s disgusting,” admits Grace Per Lee, who’s a mom of two.

Moms of toddlers aren’t the only ones facing a trashed house on a daily basis. If you’re a mom of a teen, you’re probably all too familiar with fighting your kid to get them to keep their dirty clothes off the floor or bring their dirty dishes back to the kitchen before they start to grow.

For Flor Ence, mom of a teen boy, the fight wasn’t worth it, and she finally gave herself permission to just let it go.

“I gave up on the teenager room recently. I don’t harp on the dirty rotting dishes or the mold or the one-foot-deep geological crust of clothes, books, papers, and junk. At age 15 I am just like, ‘Is he eating, going to school, healthy? Good enough!’ I still ask him to take care of it every few days and if he does, great, and if he doesn’t, I just let it go. It’s kind of like when you let the toddler eat off the floor,” she says.

This parenting thing is so hard and you so often end up doing things you never thought you would.

When it comes down to it, we’re all just doing the best we can with what we’ve got. Keeping our kids fed and raising them to be decent people are our top priorities. For some of us, this means we’ve got to let a few things slide so we can focus on the things that matter most to our children.

“This parenting thing is so hard and you so often end up doing things you never thought you would, like bathing with baby, co-sleeping, and eating saliva-sodden food over her plate because, ‘Wow! I’m hungry.’ These days, I don’t open her closet door because the smell of the mess in there is pretty gross,” laughs Vanessa Mártir, who is a mother to a 13-year-old girl.

A few months ago, right around the time my youngest child turned 6 months old, I suddenly became very aware that I had let some things slide in our home. The worst, perhaps, was that I had quit paying close attention to what my kids were eating and drinking.

I guess that during my hardest pregnancy to date, while I was living life in survival mode, I stopped caring about my kids’ eating habits. Honestly, the nine months of pregnancy and first several months of having another newborn were a complete blur. It took time for me to notice my older kids were eating sugary cereal most mornings for breakfast and living on boxed mac and cheese during the day.

Even though I didn’t feel ashamed of those choices—I knew I was doing what I needed to do to make a very hard pregnancy survivable—I didn’t want to keep ignoring my kids’ needs for nutritious foods. Once I adjusted to life as a mom of three, I was ready to start prioritizing healthy living again.

It has proven harder than I expected. Several months in, I still feel like I’m starting from square one, reteaching my kids to eat fruits, veggies, and unprocessed foods. Easing kids into a lifestyle of eating whole foods and avoiding sugary foods isn’t easy, but I’m learning it can be made easier by avoiding these common food-related mistakes that many parents make.

1. Clean Plates

Did your parents require you to clean your plate before you could clear the table? You’re definitely not alone. This mealtime rule was fairly common at the dinner table two decades ago.

“There are starving children in Africa,” your parents may have told you as you squirmed and whined over finishing the food on your plate. They probably meant well, but this is one parenting practice that needs to be eliminated, pronto!

As kids’ nutrition specialist Erin Akey explains, “the portions we eat in this country are usually far bigger than needed to nourish the body. When we start kids off from birth expecting them to clean their plates, we are setting them up for a lifetime of overeating in many cases. We need to be teaching kids from a young age to listen to the signals for fullness from the brain.”

In some families, the practice of requiring children to clean their plate may well have origins in a life poverty and scarcity, according to Akey. In fact, this practice may have begun with grandparents who then passed it down to the next generation.

Of course, allowing your child to signal when they are full shouldn’t mean they are snacking shortly after mealtime.

“Once they realize full means full and not ‘I’m full of dinner but I can have ice cream,’ they will be better able to listen to their bodies,” says Akey.

2. Questioning Their Cues

In general, questioning a child who claims to be hungry or full isn’t a great move, according to Bridget Murphy, registered dietitian at the Child Study Center, part of Hassenfeld Children’s Hospital at NYU Langone.

“Children are very good at moderating their personal hunger cues. They are in tune to the inner workings of their stomach and metabolism,” she explains.

Instead of pushing a child to eat or discouraging them from eating a second helping, Murphy recommends that parents adopt a principle known as Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibility in Feeding. In short, this line of thinking says that parents get to decide when and what a child eats, but the child is in charge of whether they eat something and how much of it they eat.

Parents who follow this practice can then gently remind their child of the previous consequences of deciding not to eat dinner, helping them recall just how hungry they were the night before, says Murphy.

3. Forbidden Fruit

One mistake many parents make is controlling their child’s consumption of “good” and “bad” foods at mealtime. This is a complicated subject, and it certainly isn’t black and white. Avoiding restricting your child’s consumption of certain foods isn’t about letting them eating whatever and whenever they want.

Research suggests that forbidden foods have a unique effect on children. When children are presented with “treats,” but their consumption of those treats is restricted, they are actually more likely to struggle with s
elf-regulation in the future, according to a study published in the journal Appetite.

When parents regularly restrict their child’s eating, they are actually at a higher risk for overeating and weight gain in the future.

So this means parents should just throw caution to the wind, then? Not so fast. The fact of the matter is that kids need their parents to help them regulate their sugar consumption, but not through restriction. Instead, highly processed and sugary foods should be kept out of the home altogether, according to Akey.

It’s one of those “out of sight, out of mind,” things. It is simply better to get rid of the cookie jar than merely keep it out of reach.

If the parents are not buying it then there’s no need to restrict it.

“If the parents are not buying it then there’s no need to restrict it. For example with my kids we just never kept [treats] in the house and therefore when they were at a birthday party or we were in Disney World it really was a once-in-a-while treat,” she explains.

4. Kid-Friendly Cooking

Making dinner as kid friendly as possible might seem like the easiest way to get your kid to eat, but it is also a big mistake, according to Akey.

“The trend in America to make everything ‘kid-friendly’ … has grown over the last 30 to 40 years largely due to the marketing of highly processed convenience foods. This is not a good idea at all,” she says.

Parents who make a separate kid-friendly meal are sending the subtle message that what Mom and Dad are eating doesn’t taste good, according to Akey. Plus, those kid-friendly foods probably aren’t all that good for them.

Kids don’t inherently dislike different foods. Exposing children to new flavors—especially nutritious options—is the best way to help them develop varied and healthy tastes.

5. Short-Order Cook

It might surprise you to find out that one of the biggest food mistakes you can make as a parent is cooking for your kids. Okay, I’m not suggesting you start ordering takeout each night, I’m simply saying you shouldn’t become a short-order cook.

Instead, your children should be just as involved as you are in the planning, shopping, and cooking of family meals. This is one strategy that nutritionists recommend time and time again. Including children in the process is one of the best ways to get them to try new, healthy foods.

“When kids participate and help choose which veggies to have and help to wash and prepare them, they actually love vegetables … letting them help prepare the new veggie you are introducing will make the process a lot easier. Google whatever veggie you want and let them hear a story about that food and watch and see how much easier it is to get them to try it at dinner,” advises Akey.

Research has shown that this is one habit parents shouldn’t avoid; helping in the kitchen is associated with an increased preference for vegetables when compared to children who do not help out with dinner prep, according to research published in the journal Public Health Nutrition.

6. Role Modeling

If you’re a parent, you probably already know that children seem to learn more by seeing than by being told what to do. We’re the people they watch every day, and we can be good or bad role models when it comes to our eating habits.

Of course, children don’t need perfect parents. Instead, they need to see you practicing a balanced approach to how you eat and how you talk about food, according to Laura Morton, a regis
tered dietitian who specializes in nutrition for mothers and babies.

“It’s important to me to convey a positive relationship with food and avoid speaking negatively about my appetite, food choices, or body size. Parents model the eating habits their kids will acquire. Healthy eating habits start with us,” she says.

7. Giving up

Raising your kids to be healthy eaters who are good at self-regulation of their hunger isn’t easy, but the biggest mistake parents can make is giving up altogether. If you don’t feel like things are going well at first, don’t be discouraged.

“If a kid rejects roasted sweet potatoes one night for dinner, as parents we tend to think ‘my kid doesn’t like sweet potatoes.’ But as we’ve heard before, it takes repeated exposure to new foods before the ultimate decision of acceptance,” says Morton.

Instead of giving up, parents should try to look at the big picture, according to Murphy, who encourages parents to see beyond one failed meal or snack.

Pick your battles and weigh the costs and benefits.

“If it doesn’t go perfectly, move on to the next. Food choices are often a matter of bad, better, and best. If we can stay with the better choices, it’s okay that they’re not always ‘the best.’ Pick your battles and weigh the costs and benefits,” she says.