Author: Mary Sauer

This summer, we took our very first road trip as a family.
My husband and I have three children, and the oldest is 5. It’s been a busy few years for us, adjusting to parenthood, and honestly, we had been hesitant to try anything more than a weekend at the lake near our home. Our kids had done two and three hours in the car at a time…but that would only take us so far.
In the snow and cold of last winter, we realized we were feeling desperate to see the beach. My husband and I hadn’t been since we were teens, and my children hadn’t at all. Since we’re from the Midwest, though, getting to the beach means hours and hours in the car. We were ready for a challenge, however, so we did it. We booked a condo and started making plans for the trip.

If I’m being perfectly honest, that first hour in our car was rough, driving south on 71. I was certain we had made a mistake. My middle child was already fussing, and my oldest was begging for the tablet. We made two different bathroom stops before leaving our city limits.
Then, I remembered the endless advice I had gotten from seasoned parent-travelers when we first started planning the trip. So we pulled over, my husband climbed in the back, and he started digging through backpacks for coloring pages and crayons while I drove—he challenged my kids to a coloring contest. Things improved at that point. We employed every piece of advice I had been given, from stretching out snacks to playing games, and we made it to our first overnight stop in Memphis with very little drama.
Thinking about hitting the road with toddlers in tow? Here’s what I learned from seasoned parents while preparing for my family adventure.

Pull a graveyard shift.

Let’s be honest, the easiest parts of a road trip are usually when your kids are asleep. So while it isn’t for everyone, there’s a big benefit to driving at night.

“Last time we drove from D.C. to Florida, we put the kids in pajamas and sized up their diapers,” shares Katie Ann, mom of two. “We drive overnight and then had a big stretch in the morning for breakfast time.”
Personally, I’m not great at driving overnight, but I can attest to the benefit of scheduling at least part of the trip for a time when the kids will doze. On one leg of our trip, we started at 4 a.m., and our kids slept for the first four hours of the drive.

Face your anxiety.

Taking a long trip for the first time can be a little nerve-wracking. It’s easy to get caught up in the anxiety of the unknown, but letting your nerves rule your mood can definitely set you up for a stressful experience. Pushing your kids out the door in the morning or getting wound up about the noise level in the car will only create unnecessary tension on the drive.

… I think our attitude affects theirs.

Katie Ballard, mom of six, says that staying positive is one of the most important things a parent can do. Kids pick up on moods, and your stress or temper can put everyone involved in an awful one.

If you’re feeling particularly nervous about the trip, don’t try to ignore it—deal with it! Work through everything that makes you feel nervous, and create a plan for success. Being prepared can help you to feel more at peace with a new experience.

Make it special.

It’s easy to look ahead with dread at multiple hours of driving, but the drive can (and should) be part of the experience—even for your kids! Plan to make your drive special by scheduling stops, or even surprises, at certain milestones of the trip.

We try to make the road trip as fun as we possibly can.

“I prepped a fun road trip bag for each of them with new markers, fresh blank paper and coloring books, some books to read, and some silly putty,” shares Lisa Moussalli, mom of two. “I wrapped a few fun gifts that I handed back just once or twice as day, as needed.”

Gretchen Bossio, mom of four, recalls how helpful doing her research before taking her kids (at this point, she only had two) on a 13-hour drive to Yellowstone. Being able to stop at the fun restaurants she’d scouted or make a pit stop at a playground provided much-needed opportunities for her kids to burn off energy during the drive.
“We plan to stop in a neat area,” adds Lacy Stroessner, mom of three. “We explore part of a city we’ve never been, find a great restaurant that everyone will love, stay in a hotel with a pool… . We try to make the road trip as fun as we possibly can.”

Prepare for the worst.

Okay, so a potty training accident on a road trip might not be the worst thing that could happen, but it certainly makes things more difficult than they need to be. If you’re driving with a newly potty trained toddler, do yourself a favor and put the Pull-Ups on just in case.

Using Pulls-Ups doesn’t just act as a mess-preventing measure, according to Tessa Schull, mom of three. She says having the extra insurance will allow you to keep driving with fewer stops, especially when your 3-year-old asks to stop thirty minutes after your last potty break.

Pack a grab bag.

If your drive requires an overnight stay along the way, make sure you pack a separate bag for the stop. No one wants to unload a week’s worth of luggage for a single night.

“If your first stop is just one night, only pack the night stuff you need, plus the clothes for the next day, and so on,” suggests Jeanne Eschenberg Sager, mom of one. “That way, you’re not hauling all your luggage into each stop—along with your kids and all their stuff.”

Pump on the road.

Traveling with a breastfeeding baby presents a whole different set of challenges. Newborns eat a lot, requiring regular stops for as long as thirty minutes at a time.
When possible, pump while your partner drives, and occasionally offer your baby a bottle instead of the breast. You can also sit in the back with the baby and feed them the bottle without having to stop during the drive.

If you have a baby who nurses frequently, buying a car adapter for your breast pump might help you avoid extra stops.
“When [my son] was tiny, I think he was about 6 weeks, we took a trip to Maryland,” shares Katie Martinez, mom of three. “One super helpful thing we did was that I had a car adapter for my breast pump, so I could pump in the car and feed him a bottle if need be.”

Adjust your expectations.

As prevalent as screens are these days, most parents have strict rules about how much time their kids can spend watching TV or playing games on tablets. It’s okay to the adjust those rules, though, on a road trip. Special occasions call for a special set of guidelines.

“Some of our normal rules go out the window for road trips,” admits Stroessner. “For example, the kids are never allowed to use a device or watch a movie in the car, but if we’re going to be in the car for two or more days, you better believe we’re breaking out Moana or Trolls.”
My one word of caution, however, is to wait on screens as long as you can. We had our kids do all the other activities we packed first. That way, when we were just a few hours from our destination and everyone in the car was starting get antsy, the screens were a new and exciting change of pace.

Snacks, Snacks, Snacks

When you’re packing for the road trip, pack more snacks than you think you’ll need, and then pack some more.

Throughout our entire 16 hours trip to Florida, pulling out a new snack became our go-to when nothing else worked. Make sure you have a good distribution—too many sweets could set you up for a car-full of wild and crabby toddlers.

Enjoy the journey.

With kids in tow, it’s tempting to focus so much on getting to the destination that you forget that to enjoy the journey. Every minute of your drive won’t be enjoyable, but take advantage of those that are.

“The biggest mistake we made [was] pushing too hard to get to our destination,” admits Kendra Moberly, mom of three. “It ended with me being stressed and grumpy, overtired kiddos who were crying, and us just booking a hotel room.”
Instead, take mom Olivia Moore’s advice: Give your kids the chance to experience the new destinations you’re traveling through. Let your kids be bored, encourage them to play with one another, and create playlists that coincide with the trip.

“For us, the drive is part of the fun, not something to endure,” she says, “and I think our attitude affects theirs.”

To this date, the biggest disagreement my husband and I have ever had took place weeks after the birth of our first child. I felt like I wasn’t recovering well from pregnancy and childbirth and it was largely because I was doing most of the newborn care.
I remember angrily telling him how alone I felt as a new parent; that I thought we were partners, but it hadn’t felt that way since our daughter was born. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t taking more initiative.
What amazed me was that my husband seemed unaware that I was struggling. He said I seemed to be so good at being a mom. He assumed I preferred to care for the baby than have him clumsily try to learn the basics and that I would speak up if I needed help.

It seems ridiculous in retrospect to think my husband ever believed that parenting was easier for me than it was for him. We have three kids now, and he can skillfully handle all three while I work or if I’m out with friends. He’s so much better at putting babies to sleep than I am and has much more patience for the chaos of bedtime.
I don’t think his experience as a brand-new dad is unusual, however. It seems that many men hold certain beliefs about childbirth and parenting a newborn that are complete misconceptions. They believe it comes more naturally to the women or assume their partner is gracefully handling each and every hurdle pregnancy throws her way.

The truth is, men could do themselves and their partner a favor and make sure they actually understand what’s happening during pregnancy.
These eight crucial things every father-to-be needs to know about pregnancy are a great place to start.

1. Handle with care?

Although pregnancy is certainly a physically challenging experience, pregnant women aren’t fragile. Moms-to-be don’t need to be handled with kid gloves and they definitely don’t need their partner restricting their activities.

“Women should be encouraged to stay active throughout pregnancy. Physical activity does not increase the risk of miscarriage, small birth weight, or preterm birth. Continuing to care for small children is safe. Additionally, most employment is acceptable in all trimesters,” says Michael Haydon, MD, medical director of obstetrics, perinatology, and maternal–fetal medicine at MemorialCare Saddleback Medical Center in Laguna Hills, California.
Additionally, Haydon emphasizes that women can and should continue to exercise through their pregnancy. He recommends 20 to 30 minutes as often as seven days a week.

2. Appearances are deceiving.

Even though the pregnancy may not be obvious from the outside, there is plenty going on during the first trimester, and it’s exhausting!. Partners should know that the first trimester can be the most difficult part of pregnancy for some women, and it shouldn’t be surprising that they need more rest.
“I wish my partner realized that while it doesn’t look like much is going on in the first trimester, it’s the most exhausting part of pregnancy,” shares writer Kelly Burch, who is pregnant with her second child. “Sure, I don’t have a big belly yet but my body is producing more blood, stretching and changing, and helping to grow the most important parts of our future child. Yes, I really do need to go to bed at 8 p.m., even if I already had a nap.”
No matter what the pregnant woman in your life is experiencing, the best approach is to be exceptionally empathetic and go above and beyond to make her life a little easier, suggests Haydon.

If there are other children, Haydon tells dads-to-be to “care for other kids whenever possible as naps or pregnancy massage can promote well-being and relaxation. Taking over some of the cooking or shopping throughout pregnancy will allow pregnant patients to sit down and alleviate pregnancy-related back pain.”

3. It isn’t like the movies.

When the movies portray pregnant women, it seems like they default to the most talked-about and extreme symptoms of pregnancy. Partners should know that pregnancy is different for every woman and you should never, ever doubt what a woman says she is experiencing.

Just because you’ve never heard of it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

“There are pregnancy symptoms besides the ones that you hear about and see in movies. Just because you’ve never heard of it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.
“I didn’t have this issue with my husband, but my brother didn’t believe me when I told him I couldn’t look at the computer without getting sick,” shares Shana Westlake, a writer and mom of two.
Even the smallest symptoms can make life difficult for pregnant women. It is helpful for partners to work to understand these symptoms and to respond with empathy.

Pregnancy changes a woman’s body inside and out from head to toe.

“Pregnancy changes a woman’s body inside and out from head to toe. A supportive spouse should acknowledge that fact. While constipation, heartburn, insomnia, swelling, low back pain, anxiety, or the many other effects of pregnancy may not seem to be much of an inconvenience when considered individually by a spouse, he should try to imagine having all of those issues simultaneously for months while continuing to go about business as usual,” says Amy Peters, DO, OB-GYN at Saddleback Medical Center.

4. You’re both beginners.

First pregnancies are a brand-new experience for both parents involved.

It’s easy to assume that the mom-to-be knows what she is doing simply because she is a woman, but the belief that motherhood just comes naturally to women is mistaken.
The truth is, each day is a new experience when you’re pregnant with your first baby. Pregnant women have fears and questions, just like their partners, and how they experience those fears can vary widely.

Remember this is a new experience for your wife too.

“It’s unknown territory for her too. Remember this is a new experience for your wife too and she also doesn’t know what to expect. Have empathy on the different feelings and stages she may go through during it,” suggests Boulder, Colorado–based marriage counselor Wyatt Fisher, PsyD.

5. Intimate Expectations

Although some women may experience an increased desire to be intimate with their partner, expecting this from all pregnant women is a good way to create tension in your marriage. Pregnancy is different for every woman, and things can change greatly from day to day within each pregnancy.

Exhaustion, discomfort, and emotions all play a role in a pregnant woman’s desire (or lack of desire) to be intimate. It is perfectly normal for women to experience extreme fluctuations of their libido, according to Fisher, who says men should prepare themselves for these changes.

6. Two-Person Job

It is certainly accurate to say that women do most of the work during the pregnancy, but that doesn’t mean men don’t have an important role. Conceiving a child is a two-person job, and growing a child should be as well.

Of course men can’t carry the baby, but they can help by offering emotional support to their partner and remaining involved in the decision-making process.
“When we talk about what is the partner’s role in pregnancy, it is to support the pregnant woman,” says Kenneth James, MD, OB-GYN at Saddleback Medical Center. “Partners should be partners. Support, love, and shower their partners with praise, and remind them how special they are. Trust me that it is easier than pushing out a baby!”

Having a baby together can be one of the most bonding experiences to have together.

Staying engaged emotionally will also help men to feel involved in the process and remain connected to their spouse, which is important preparation for becoming parents.
“Keep in the journey together. Having a baby together can be one of the most bonding experiences to have together. Therefore, stay actively a part of it by regularly checking in with her, her feelings, her needs, and share yours as well so the experience can bring the two of you closer together rather than further apart,” advises Fisher.

7. Mental Health Awareness

We don’t hear much about it, but depression isn’t limited solely to the postpartum season. Even if you’ve been trying to conceive and you’re excited to become a parent, depression during pregnancy is a real risk.

Although nailing down firm statistics on prenatal depression hasn’t been easy, a study published in the Industrial Psychology Journal estimates that between 4 and 20 percent of pregnant women will experience prenatal depression.
Some pregnant women may speak up when they feel depressed, others may keep their symptoms to themselves. This is why partners should remain aware, watching for symptoms of depression or anxiety. It’s crucial for the well-being of both mom and baby. These symptoms can include frequent crying, difficulty sleeping, or not enjoying things she previously loved to do.

Pregnancy can have great effects on the newborn child, not just medically but emotionally.

“Pregnancy can have great effects on the newborn child, not just medically but emotionally. We know that anxious, angry, and depressed mothers can make anxious, angry, and depressed babies. This may set their baby up for difficulties in life starting from childhood throughout adulthood. By helping the mother stay happy and healthy, this can have a positive impact on children,” explains Fisher.

8. Preparing for Fatherhood

Moms-to-be spend a lot of their pregnancy preparing to be a mom, but men should also be aware of the things they need to do before becoming a dad. We’re not even talking about parenting books or classes. These things are important, but there are more basic preparations to be made.

Do not rely on her to do everything.

“Get your own medical check-up, vaccinations, and newborn CPR classes. Do not rely on her to do everything,” says Fisher.
Specifically, there is a whole list of vaccines parents should have to protect themselves and their fragile newborn. Some of these vaccines cannot be given to newborn babies, so it is crucial that their caregivers do their part!

Additionally, all parents should know how to perform CPR, and fathers should plan to attend both childbirth and breastfeeding classes to learn how to support their partner.

It was a colleague’s suggestion that led Amanda Gorman, a pediatric nurse practitioner, and her husband, Ryan, to discover that their daughter has familial hypercholesterolemia. A genetic disorder inherited from parents, familial hypercholesterolemia is known for causing early cardiovascular disease. It was a long history of cardiovascular problems in Ryan’s family that initially clued his colleague in to the the possibility of a genetic disease in the family.
“We’ve always known that my husband’s risk factors for early cardiovascular disease were likely high, given his family history of early male deaths and cardiac events under age 50. When he was starting treatment for his high cholesterol in his early forties, his colleague, having heard his family history and seen his numbers, suggested he have his children checked for familial hypercholesterolemia,” Amanda explains.
Fortunately, the timing of this suggestion was just right, as Amanda and Ryan’s daughter, who was 3 at a time, was scheduled to have an eye surgery the following week. Knowing she would be sedated, Amanda requested a fasting blood panel in hopes of checking her for symptoms of this genetic disorder. When the tests came back showing elevated cholesterol levels, they knew something was up.
[pullquote align=”center”]“This gene is thought to result in impaired ability to control inflammation.”
—Jen Stagg[/pullquote]
In the end, through extensive testing for her husband, they discovered that Ryan carries familial hypercholesterolemia. Although it is a serious condition with the potential for early cardiovascular events and even premature death, early detection in both father and daughter means they can both live long lives if they adhere to their specific treatment plans. For her husband, this means a healthy lifestyle and a medication regimen, while their daughter is following strict diet until she is old enough to start medication.
Familial hypercholesterolemia is just one condition that children can inherit from their dads. Both mental health conditions and genetic disorders like the one mentioned above are things fathers can pass on to their babies. Curious what else a child can inherit from dear old dad? Here are seven traits kids get from their fathers.

1. The Heart of the Matter

In a similar vein, sons can actually inherit a gene from their fathers that increases their risk of coronary heart disease by 50 percent, according to Jen Stagg, a naturopathic doctor who specializes in helping patients make healthy decisions based on their unique genetic makeups.
“This gene is thought to result in impaired ability to control inflammation, which is critical in preventing the development of plaque in the arteries of the heart,” Stagg explains.

A study led by the University of Leicester supports Stagg’s understanding that coronary artery disease—a condition characterized by a decreased delivery of oxygen to the heart caused by narrowed blood vessels—may be passed from father to son.

2. The Genetics of Mental Health

Although both parents may pass mental health disorders on to their children, there are certain diagnoses that are more likely to be passed from father to child if the father is older, says Stagg. Specifically, children of older fathers with a schizophrenia or attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) diagnosis are at an increased risk of being diagnosed with these conditions themselves.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Fathers are four times more likely to have new mutations in their DNA because they continue to produce new sperm as they age.”
—Jen Stagg[/pullquote]
To clarify, mothers can pass on mental health conditions like schizophrenia, ADHD, or bipolar disorder to their children, but older fathers have a greater likelihood of passing on genetic mutations of all kinds for a very interesting reason.
“Just recently, it was discovered that fathers are four times more likely to have new mutations in their DNA because they continue to produce new sperm as they age. Mothers, on the other hand, have all of their eggs from their birth.”
“This appears to result in more rare genetic diseases in their children, as well as high incidence of neurodevelopmental disorders like autism,” explains Stagg, citing both a study published in JAMA Psychiatry and further research shared by The Guardian.

3. His Daddy’s Smile

Although less serious, children may be at an increased risk of developing problems with their teeth if their father has dealt with certain dental issues.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Genes passed on by father tend to be more active than the same gene from the mother.”
—Jen Stagg[/pullquote]
Tooth size, jaw size, and the shape of teeth are all genetic, and children can inherit these characteristics from either parent, according to research that appeared in the American Journal of Physical Anthropology.
However, Stagg explains why it is believed there is a significant possibility of fathers passing these traits on to their children.

“This is possibly a result of genetic dominance, where genes passed on by [the] father tend to be more active than the same gene from the mother. This may be the case when it comes to genetics related to size of the jaw, which could result in overcrowding of teeth or tooth decay from soft enamel,” Stagg says.

4. The Truth About Infertility

Men who have low sperm quality may turn to in vitro fertilization to help them conceive a child. However, research associated with in vitro fertilization indicates that fathers with sperm issues may be passing their struggles with infertility on to their sons, according to a study published in the journal Human Reproduction.
Specifically, recently published data collected from the oldest group of men who were conceived using intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI, a fertility treatment) indicates that infertility in men is an inherited trait.
This research showed that the men conceived by ICSI were more likely to have low quality sperm, just as their fathers did. This data was compared to sets collected from men conceived without the assistance of fertility treatments, who had much higher sperm counts.
Although further study is necessary, the research indicates that fathers with lower sperm counts could pass their fertility problems on to their sons.

5. Boy or Girl?

On a much lighter note, whether a child is a girl or a boy is actually determined by their father. In fact, the father’s family tree can be used to determine the likelihood of a couple having a girl or a boy, according to a study recently published in Science Daily.

Let’s review something you may or may not remember from your high school science classes: The sex of a baby is determined by the father’s sperm. If the sperm is carrying an X chromosome, it teams up with the mother’s X chromosome and a baby girl is conceived. Alternatively, if the father’s sperm is carrying a Y chromosome, a boy is conceived.
This may be old news to you, but what is particularly interesting is the fact that scientists can now look at a family tree and make an educated guess about the likelihood of a man having a boy or a girl. These researchers hypothesize that a yet-to-be-discovered gene is in charge of determining how X and Y chromosomes are distributed across the father’s sperm.

6. It’s in his eyes.

Let’s be clear, it would definitely be a stretch to say that dad determines the color of the baby’s eyes. The truth is, both of the parents’ genes play a role in the determining if a baby has light or dark eyes. But if a dad has certain traits, it is easier to predict what color eyes his child will have.
Basically, we know that certain eye colors are determined by recessive genes and others by dominant genes. Lighter colors, like blue or green, are caused by recessive genes, whereas brown eyes are caused by dominant genes. This means if both parents have light eyes, there is a much higher likelihood that the child will, too. However, if one parent has dark eyes, there is a much higher likelihood the child’s eyes will be dark, too.
So, in a roundabout way, a dad with dark eyes has a greater influence on the color of his child’s eyes.

7. Towering Over Mom

A quick glance at most families will reveal what most people already assume to be true—kids inherit their height from dad and mom. And yes, height is largely determined by genetics, but the science behind this trait is still being explored, and new research on the topic is fascinating.

A study published in the journal Nature, for instance, was able to nail down 700 different genetic sequences that play a role in determining how tall (or short) a person might be. Additionally, this research found that the vast majority of these sequences were common variants with a small impact on height. In some cases, however, rare variants were influential, accounting for as much as an inch of a study participant’s height.

What to Do if You’re Worried About Genetic History

Parents with a family history of genetic health disorders are right to have concerns about their future children. Eye color and gender are one thing, but knowing a child might inherit an infertility disorder or potentially life-threatening disease like familial hypercholesterolemia is daunting.
[pullquote align=”center”]“A couple can visit with a genetic counselor who can work with them to outline potential cause [for] concern.”
—Jen Stagg[/pullquote]
Educating yourself about your family history if you are able is a good first step before having children. Spend time gathering information from both sides of the family on general health conditions and mental health diagnoses.
Using this information, you should be able to see patterns or notice red flags that you might want to talk through with a doctor.
“Genetic counselors and clinical geneticists are trained healthcare professionals who have expertise in addressing concerns about genetics. If contemplating pregnancy, a couple can visit with a genetic counselor who can work with them to outline potential cause [for] concern,” advises Stagg.

After a few too many questions about her plans for feeding her unborn child, Cameran Eubanks, former cast member of The Real World who now stars in Southern Charm on Bravo, has finally had enough.

According to a video she posted to her Instagram in September, she has received countless private messages from her fans asking the same question—will she be breastfeeding her unborn child? And, after growing tired of fielding the same questions over and over again, she posted the video on her feed telling her followers off for being so darn nosy.

“Y’all are ’bout to drive me to drink. If I get one more message asking me if I plan on breastfeeding my child, I am going to delete my Instagram forever,” she jokes on the video.
She went on to say what basically every woman who has ever been pregnant has wanted to scream at some point in their pregnancy:
“It’s none of your dang business.”
Having been pregnant three times myself, I couldn’t agree more. I’m plenty familiar with the weird phenomena that occurs once your belly starts to show. Suddenly, everyone you encounter believes they have a right to say anything they would like about your pregnancy.
The woman in the row behind me looked at me in disgust and said, in the same amount of disgust, ‘Oh, you’re a breeder.’
Enough is enough. I don’t care if you’ve given birth before or if you’re just some guy on the street, moms-to-be don’t want to hear what you think about their pregnancy. So, here are some of the worst things you can say and do around pregnant moms, straight from the mothers themselves…

Policing Their Family Size

Most of the moms-of-many I talked to had gotten this comment at some point in their motherly lives: “You know how that happens, right?”
“I hate that one!” says Tracy St. Clair, a mom of two who is expecting her third child. “It’s as if no one would [have] multiple children on purpose.”
And, Rhonda Cherrito, a mom of four grown children, couldn’t agree more. She says that as a young mom, there was nothing more offensive to her than having friends and strangers comment on the size of her family.

“I was on a plane once getting my three kids settled. I was also noticeably pregnant with my fourth. The woman in the row behind me looked at me in disgust and said, in the same amount of disgust, ‘Oh, you’re a breeder,’” recalls Lynn.
If you don’t plan to have children, or multiple children, that’s totally your choice. But just as you are entitled to refrain from having kids, a woman who decides she wants two, three, or seven children is entitled to that choice without your input.

Policing Their Decisions

During my first pregnancy, I was shocked by how often complete strangers tried to police my decisions about what I did and ate during my pregnancy. There is nothing quite as humiliating as being made to feel like you don’t have the common sense necessary for taking care of yourself and your unborn child.
For instance, I once had a complete stranger grab me by the shoulder at my workplace to try to stop me from drinking coffee, since I was obviously pregnant. I’ve also argued with a complete stranger in the grocery store parking lot about whether or not I could load a small item into my car. And I’m definitely not alone.

“I regularly taught a step class when I was pregnant with my third,” says Jennifer Stapley Lynn, mother of four, “and I had a woman bring me a huge Mayo Clinic book about pregnancy, and she worriedly told me that I shouldn’t be working out because I sweat too much. I had to tell her that my doctor was perfectly OK with [me teaching the step class].”
Here’s the thing: nobody knows a pregnant woman’s body better than she does. Ultimately, it is between the woman and her doctor what she eats and what kind of activities she engages in while she’s expecting.

Policing Their Emotions

While we’re on the topic of controlling women, let’s clarify right here and now that it is never right to tell a woman how she should feel about anything in her life, especially her pregnancy.
Between morning sickness in the first trimester and the discomfort that comes during the last few months, pregnancy is hard work. Feeling a certain way about the difficulties that come with pregnancy isn’t right or wrong, it’s just a part of the process. Women should never be shamed for the way they experience this season of their life.

This is especially difficult if you struggled to get pregnant in the first place or experienced pregnancy loss, says mom Jessica Stanton, who was told she shouldn’t complain about her pregnancy symptoms since she was lucky to be pregnant. Bonnie Hatley Oesch, mom of three, couldn’t agree more.
“I had hyperemesis during all of my pregnancies, but we also struggled to get pregnant,” she says. “Some people made me feel like I had no right to complain about constantly being sick since we had wanted to get pregnant.”

Jumping to Conclusions

In the same vein, it is best to avoid jumping to conclusions about how a woman feels about her pregnancy.
It doesn’t bother me as much as [it reminds] me what not to say to other people.
This is incredibly common when it comes to talking about a new baby’s gender. In my experience, people assume that women want “one of each” and aren’t afraid to bring it up. When we found out our third was a boy after two girls, I was so uncomfortable with the number of people who would ask if we were “so happy” or “so relieved” he wasn’t another girl.

“When people see us in public with our three girls, they say, ‘Your poor husband!’” shares Andrea Gee, who is expecting her fourth child. Kendra Moberly, mom of three girls, said getting the comment from strangers has taught her to think twice before commenting on the gender of an unborn child.
“When I was pregnant with my third, also a girl, strangers would say ‘Hope that’s a boy this time!’ It doesn’t bother me as much as [it reminds] me what not to say to other people,” she explains.

Touching Them…Anywhere!

Pregnant women are already sharing their bodies with another human being. The last thing they need is people touching them without permission. Unfortunately, many people seem to believe that when a woman is pregnant, it is suddenly OK to touch her without so much as a warning.
“I’ve literally been pinched in the cheeks and told I look ‘so cute chubby’ by a woman while I was at work,” shares Calissa Elizabeth, mom of three.

We get it. You think pregnant women are cute and so are their growing bellies, but women don’t lose their body autonomy the second they conceive. We still have control over who touches us and when, so please keep your hands to yourself.

Telling Horror Stories

New moms have enough to worry about on their own, don’t make it worse but sharing about your neighbor’s daughter’s awful birth.
A few weeks after I learned I was expecting my first child, I attended a family holiday get-together, and family member after family member congratulated me on my pregnancy and then proceeded to tell me a horror story about their pregnancy, labor, or early days as a mom. Not knowing what to say, my anxiety was rising with each story about emergency c-sections and NICU stays.

“I hate when women tell horrifying birth stories to a pregnant woman. Like, really, you don’t think she’s terrified enough? I always try to tell moms-to-be the good stuff about birth. If she asks for details, that’s different. But just scaring her out of the starting gate is not cool,” says Jeanne Eschenberg Sager, mom of one.

Watching Their Weights

Last, but definitely not least, keep your concerns about a pregnant woman’s weight to yourself. Every woman experiences pregnancy differently: some don’t gain much, some gain a lot, and the same amount of weight gained on one body can look different on the next. Either way, how much a woman gains during her pregnancy is really no one’s business but her’s and her doctor’s.
I showed really early, and people kept acting like it was something to talk about, which doesn’t help when you’re dealing with a changing body.
“People, in-laws including, would ask if I was carrying two. I wasn’t. That was known. I had a serious condition where I had extra fluid, so I was totally huge in a multiple-baby sort of way,” shares Jed Halla, mom of two. “… that extra fluid caused lots of concerns—it increases the chance of stillbirth, the cord floating and wrapping itself around the neck, the baby [having] more room to move from his head down position, and a bunch more of bad possibilities.”

“I hated hearing it so much more than the first [pregnancy], when I was normal and didn’t have that,” she continues. “I was batting away fears already, and then for people to joke about it just hurt and made me so mad.”

Here’s the thing: when you make comments about a pregnant woman’s weight, you forget that every woman’s pregnancy is different. You could be commenting on a sensitive subject, for instance, if the mom-to-be is dealing with a unique medical condition. Plus, it isn’t your business or place to comment on how a woman’s body looks, anyway.
“I’m currently pregnant and feel that [comments about] your belly size or how far along you are is never helpful,” says Brooke Lamb, who is expecting her first child. “I showed really early, and people kept acting like it was something to talk about, which doesn’t help when you’re dealing with a changing body.”

“Can I just skip it?”

There I was, 36 weeks pregnant, sitting in my OBGYN’s office, talking about my next appointment. I’d reached the point in the pregnancy that required a visit every week, and I was so over it. My doctor laughed at first, but when she saw I was seriously trying to get out of my next appointment, she assured me that it was important that I show up and have everything checked on again next week.
This is just one of many ways my second and third pregnancies were so different from my first. With my first, I anxiously waited for each appointment: it was my chance to check in and make sure that the baby was OK, my chance to get one step closer to giving birth.

Yet with my second and third pregnancies, getting to the doctor felt like a huge chore. I had to arrange childcare for my younger kids, take time away from work, and do a lot of waiting for the doctor to tell me what I already knew—your baby is a little big and don’t expect to deliver early.
Nothing captures the differences between a first pregnancy and the subsequent pregnancies quite as well as a YouTube video by Esther Anderson, mom of three and blogger at Story of My Life.

In the video, which is set up like a mock interview (think The Office meets What to Expect When You’re Expecting), Anderson answers some of the most common pregnancy questions for an off-screen interviewer. The shot switches between her as a first-time pregnant mom and a third-time pregnant mom. The differences between her answers are hilariously accurate.
“Absolutely no lunch meats, no feta cheeses, no sprouts absolutely no caffeine,” she says in the persona that’s meant to be her as a first time mom. The shot changes, to show her as a third time mom, eating a cookie and drinking a cup of coffee.
“I gotta have it,” she insists.

Moms of multiple children know full well just how drastically life can change between a first pregnancy and a second or third. It’s not that we become lazy, it’s that we simply don’t have the time or energy to keep up with the endless expectations we adhered to the first time around.

All That Time

When you are pregnant with your first, it is easy to find time to focus on documenting your pregnancy and preparing for the arrival of your baby. During subsequent pregnancies, though, you have little ones taking up a lot of your time. It isn’t surprising that many moms let certain things slide, like bump pictures and clothes shopping, during their second pregnancy.

“Bump pictures are few and far between! I didn’t miss a week of pictures when I was pregnant with my first,” shares Betsy Larson, who is pregnant with her second child.
Larson certainly isn’t alone. Allie Essig, who’s also expecting her second, said she simply hasn’t had to time to devote as much focus to her unborn child.

“There is a lot less time to count the days. It has gone by so much faster than my first,” Essig shares. “This baby currently has no clothes to wear if she’s a girl.”
“We’re still so excited,” Essig continues, “and I’m looking forward to shifting some focus to baby here in a few weeks… but it certainly hasn’t been all consuming like it was with our first.”

Aches and Pains

Those first pregnancies are certainly uncomfortable, but there is something different about the way your body feels the second or third time around. Many second- and third-time moms-to-be report increased pelvic pressure and hip pain compared to their first pregnancy.

This added discomfort isn’t the case for every pregnancy, according to Dr. Sheila Chhutani of Gyn/Ob Associates in Dallas, Texas, but often comes when a body hasn’t fully recovered from the previous birth.
“Most of the time the discomfort comes from the pulling and stretching of muscles and ligaments which were strained the first time around,” she says. “If [the women] add extra weight because [they] did not get back to her pre-pregnancy weight … and her workout routine has fallen off because she is now caring for a baby, she will feel more discomfort.”

“Also, during the first pregnancy a woman could come home and rest. She could sleep in on her days off,” Chhutani continues. “With a child at home to care for, there is little time to put your feet up. The workload is never-ending, and doing that while pregnant can lead to more discomfort.”

No Rest for the Weary

So, there’s no doubt about it: being a second-, third-, or fourth-time mom can be much more exhausting than the first time around. For the most part, this can be attributed to having younger kids to take care of during the pregnancy. While a first-time pregnant mom might crash on the couch after work, second-time moms are caring for active toddlers or getting school-aged kids to and from activities.

Moberly, whose first pregnancy was twins, shared how she had hoped her second pregnancy, a singleton pregnancy, would be much easier than her first. She was disappointed to find that not only was it another high-risk pregnancy, which meant she spent a lot of time in the doctor’s office, it wasn’t as restful as she imagined it would be.
“I was so exhausted my entire pregnancy. I had two one-year-olds running around. The sweet mornings of sleeping in and taking naps throughout the day were nowhere to be seen with my second pregnancy,” she says.

It’s No Secret

For many women who aren’t ready to share their news, keeping a pregnancy to themselves gets harder with each new pregnancy. While many first-time moms won’t develop a noticeable bump until well into their second trimester, veteran moms might notice their pants feeling snug very early on in their pregnancies.

“The body undergoes changes during the first pregnancy, and it doesn’t fully return to the way it was before pregnancy,” says Chhutani. “The abdominal muscles and ligaments are stretched out as well as the pelvic floor muscles. Women have a tendency to start showing earlier in subsequent pregnancies for this reason.”

Mood Changes

Even though postpartum depression can occur without any history of depression, some moms report having more severe depression with each pregnancy. This has less to do with the pregnancy itself and more to do with the added stressors of caring for multiple children, according to Kimberly Hershenson, a New York City based therapist who counsels mothers facing postpartum depression, miscarriage, and infertility.

“Having a history of postpartum depression does increase your risk for subsequent postpartum depression, but it is not guaranteed to happen. Those that have postpartum depression with each pregnancy may find it more difficult because they are not only dealing with their own mental health issues, but they are now caring for numerous children,” she says. “Women may experience exacerbated symptoms of inadequacy because they are not able to be fully present for their children.”

Mom-Boss Confidence

If you’re trying for another, don’t let these things deter you—the differences between first and second pregnancies aren’t all bad. Many moms report feeling more confident and worrying less about the outcome during their second or subsequent pregnancies.

As much as we like to believe we can do everything, let go of the desire to be superwoman!

“I feel much more prepared for this one,” explains Essig. “I did so much research with the first that I don’t need to do now, which eases my mind on many, many issues. We know where we stand with every important issue, and I feel extremely confident in those choices, unlike with our first.”

For mother of two Emilie Jane Mense, whose first pregnancy was nearly ten years before her second, the differences were largely about how confident she felt as mother.
“I was so much younger with my first,” she says. “It was an entirely new experience, being pregnant as a relatively settled adult who was married and buying a house. I loved being pregnant with my second … I made sure to educate myself the second go-round about birth and nursing and the kind of parent I wanted to be.”

For moms dealing with the symptoms of depression, Hershenson urges they faithfully practice self-care. She suggests spending plenty of time outside and prioritizing the things that help you feel rested, like taking a shower or grabbing a quick nap. Lastly, she stresses the importance of asking for help when you have kids running around.
“Stay connected to others, whether it’s family, a new mom support group, or friends … As much as we like to believe we can do everything, let go of the desire to be superwoman!” she urges. “Even the most successful people recognize when they need support. Seek professional help if symptoms don’t improve.”