Category: Mindful Parenting

What does having a child a cost? The answer definitely seems to be a loaded one, full of what ifs and questions about where you live, cultural expectations, family values, and more. Even so, researchers have tried to pin down a number, and some compelling results that pertain specifically to U.S. families are published in Expenditures by Families on Children, 2015.
In the report, data gathered from multiple sources on 23,297 married-couple households and 7,030 single-parent households is used to create estimates of money spent on things like housing, food, and childcare. Parents can expect to spend between $12,350 and $14,000 a year on each child, totaling an average of $233,610 over the course of a child’s 17 years at home.

Using the same data, researchers also broke down the cost of raising a child by region, determining that married couples raising children in the urban Northeast could be expected to rack up the highest child-rearing costs. Living in the urban Midwest and rural areas of the country is associated with the lowest child-rearing expenses. The regional aspect of this report proved to be extremely interesting, and we’ve done some digging to provide a closer look at the cost of raising a baby—and how where you live changes the number.

Getting Pregnant and Having a Baby

Without a doubt, one of the first major expenses of having a baby is the price tag of pregnancy and childbirth. Although 91.2 percent of Americans are insured, that leaves a notable number of people without insurance and doesn’t account for excluded services. Uninsured parents in the United States spend around $10,808 on an uncomplicated vaginal delivery, according to reporting by Business Insider UK.

Having insurance doesn’t necessarily spare parents from notable expenses, either. Breaking it down further, Business Insider published numbers provided by FAIR Health. Parents in Alabama have the lowest childbirth-related expenses in the U.S., with the cost of an uninsured birth averaging $9,013.88 and an insured birth costing an average of $4,884.44. Having a cesarean section raises those expenses, of course, with an uninsured c-section costing Alabama residents an average of $12,593.60 and an insured c-section averaging $7,404.07.

States in the Northeast account for many of the highest numbers on the list. For instance, in New Jersey, an uninsured vaginal birth is estimated to cost $16,674.62 and an insured vaginal birth an average of$8,755.88.
For parents dealing with infertility, there are added expenses that can be financially debilitating if you live in certain states. Only 15 states mandate insurance coverage for infertility diagnosis and treatment, according to the National Conference of State Legislature, and some of those states don’t require coverage of all expenses associated with infertility treatments. In New York, for instance, IVF is not considered an insurance-eligible expense.

With only 15 states with laws mandating some kind of coverage for infertility treatments, there are plenty of families who find themselves funding costly infertility treatments completely out-of-pocket, which means becoming a parent can cost a small fortune before baby even arrives.

The Cost of Childcare

Paying for childcare and school expenses is often the next major expense parents worry about, and for good reason. Childcare expenses can quickly dominate a family’s budget.

“Education and childcare for two kids cost us about as much as our mortgage does every month,” shares Jamie Beth Schindler, one of the parents in a two-income family. “I was not prepared for how much of our income was going to go towards these costs.”
A quick glance at the How Does Your State Stack Up? figure provided by the Economic Policy Institute shows that, relative to family income, childcare is the most expensive in the Northeast, with Washington D.C. taking the lead at an average cost of $22,631 for a year of infant care. When considered as a percentage of the median income, that means Washington D.C. parents with median incomes are spending 35.6 percent of their earnings on childcare in their little one’s early years.

These numbers line up with Schindler’s experience. She says she was happy to see her housing expenses decrease when her family moved from Los Angeles to Pennsylvania but shocked to learn childcare would cost her just as much in the Northeast as it had out west.

Comparatively, southern and midwestern states have lower annual childcare costs. The cost of infant care is $6,294 a year in Kentucky, $8,632 in Missouri, and $5,747 in Louisiana. In many of these states, however, childcare still isn’t considered to be affordable because it continues to account for a large percentage of the median family income.

Meeting Basic Needs

When it comes to caring for a child, meeting their basic needs really start to add up. In fact, two of the largest expenses reported by families with children include housing and food, according to the “Expenditures on Children by Families” report.

For the average family, housing accounts for between 26 and 33 percent of what parents spend on their children in a year. The expense varies from region to region, with urban areas in the northeast and west taking the lead when it comes to housing expenses. Rural areas of the country had the lowest housing expenses.
Buying groceries accounts for 18 percent of child-rearing expenses. While it isn’t clear if the cost of feeding a child varies significantly from state to state, one Go Banking Rates article reports that families in the South have the highest grocery expenses, followed by those in the Midwest.

Having kids typically implies having healthcare expenses, too. Even when both parents are healthy, it is important to anticipate and prepare for the expenses of emergency room visits, allergy testing, and braces, says Byron Ellis, a certified financial planner with United Capital Financial Advisers in The Woodlands, Texas.

The Cost of “The Extras”

While it is much more difficult to measure, it’s worth noting that some of the most unexpected expenses that come with childrearing have a lot to do with keeping up with expectations. This seems to be tied less to a region and more to individual communities.

Take, for instance, birthday parties. Thanks to the existence of Pinterest, throwing a party can come with a lot of pressure to execute on elaborate themes—investing in favors, decorations, and games. An informal poll by BabyCenter showed that 25 percent of families spend between $200 and $500 on a single party, while 11 percent of families spent more than $500. Mom of four Chaunie Brusie tells HealthyWay that it isn’t just the cost of throwing parties that caught her off guard, but that buying gifts for the parties her kids attend is also a big expense.

There are also enrichment activities that aren’t included in traditional schooling that inflate the cost of educating the kiddos. These include sporting expenses, music lessons, and swim classes to name a few. Even if your child only participates in one or two after-school activities, the costs quickly multiply.
“I was surprised by the cost of lessons and how quickly they add up, especially when you have two kids,” says Mary Beth Forster. “I signed my daughter up for swimming at something like $75 a month, thinking that was pretty expensive, but it seems average for a weekly class.”

Ellis says it’s keeping up with the expectations of the community you’re in that will have the greatest impact on the cost of being a parent. “If you’re in a community that has really highly rated schools and they’re really proud of the percentage of their students that go to college and they take seriously their scholastic scores…that means the pressure is always on.”

If you intend to raise your family in a community where sports, band, and other extracurriculars are a point of pride, there will likely be extra pressure to enroll your children in afterschool activities, pay for tutors, and foot the bill for travel and cultural experiences, whether you’re paying for private school tuition or not.

Preparing for the Costs of Parenthood

If you are thinking about having a baby, Ellis recommends approaching the discussion of parenting-related expenses as you would any other major financial decision.
“As a family, you need to have a cash reserve,” he says. “That’s money that is there for emergencies or opportunities that come up. Stuff’s going to happen. That’s what a cash reserve is for, to keep you from having to go tap the credit card.”

As far as a concrete amount that families need, it really depends on your month-to-month expenses. To calculate the dollar amount that you need to set aside, add up your expenses for three to six months of living as a couple. Then add in what you expect you’ll need to pay for the added expenses of a child.
“This is hard, depending on your region. Some regions you’ll have more of a need, some you’ll have less,” says Ellis. “I would say unless you really know the numbers, go ahead and add another month to it.”

In addition to preparing for those initial parenting expenses—medical costs associated with labor and delivery, diapers, and childcare—Ellis suggests that parents (or prospective parents) look ahead to the upcoming seasons and budget for the costs they expect to be associated with their new addition beginning school, having a birthday party, and participating in lessons or sports.
When the possibility of growing your family is on the table, it can be hard to set emotions aside, but it is helpful to think about expenses as objectively as possible so you can make wise decisions as you plan for the future of your family.

Having spent much of her life moving between her birthplace, Britain, and the United States, Lauren Cross has had plenty of opportunities to compare British and American parenting styles.
When she thinks of her childhood and how many British children are parented, the phrase “stiff upper lip” comes to mind. The idiom has been used to describe how British people have a reputation for handling upheaval with an emotionally distant or disconnected attitude.
There is also “Keep Calm and Carry On,” a slogan of sorts that debuted on a poster produced during World War II to boost citizen morale. Although the poster was never widely circulated during the war, other posters embodying the same sentiment were, including one that read “Your Courage, Your Cheerfulness, Your Resolution will Bring Us Victory.”

“I think that definitely influenced parenting styles,” says Cross. “My parents are very loving—I didn’t want for anything—but they certainly weren’t, from my childhood perspective, merely weren’t … as indulgent as my American peers’ [parents].”
Cross provides an example from her own childhood that she feels embodies slight differences in how British children are parented.
She was spending time with a friend, who was also named Lauren, and they were each working on a drawing. As many children might, Cross asked her friend’s mother which of the two pictures she liked the best.

“Had it been my mother, she would have just picked her favorite choice,” says Cross. “The other Lauren’s mother kind of looked at me and said in this very saccharine voice, ‘Well, I’m going to have to choose my daughters as my favorite.’”
At the time, Cross felt like it was a simple enough question and didn’t understand why the mother couldn’t just choose the better picture. As a child, she also felt her American friends were disciplined less and had more toys. She even remembers her mom complaining that some of her American friends were spoiled.

If you've ever gone to a foreign country and come back to the US you never realize how fortunate you are. American Kids are spoiled.

— D / V E T Ǝ S H (@TheRealTesh) January 30, 2011

What other differences exist between British and American parenting styles, and how have these differences evolved? Carry on reading for more surprising differences between British and American parenting.

Keep calm and carry on.

In addition to parenting with “a stiff upper lip,” there are more subtle differences between British and American families.
Many believe that British children have more freedom. Lynn Adamson raised her children in the UK but visited her mother in New Jersey regularly. She noticed a big difference in how much time children spend outside.
“If you drove around the roads near [my mother’s New Jersey home], you never saw children out, not even on their own land,” she tells HealthyWay. “I rarely saw even older children wandering around the town on their own…and cannot recall ever seeing a child on a cycle.”

Clara Wiggins, who lives in the UK, agrees that British parents do seem a little more relaxed about independent outdoor play.
“My 10-year-old plays outside on her own, walks to a friend’s house alone—about a five-minute walk from my home and out of my sight—and walks to school alone,” she says. “We tend to not follow our kids around too much at the park, preferring to spend the time chatting with other parents and watching from afar.”
Cross also had an incredible amount of freedom as a child, walking to the corner store as early as 7 years old.

This more laid-back parenting style may have some generational ties. The three women mentioned above noted that just as American parents have become more cautious about unsupervised, outside play, British parents aren’t as relaxed as they once were.
Another subtle difference is how parents feel about spanking. In 2012, 70 percent of American parents indicated that they believe that “a good, hard spanking” is more than appropriate in some instances, according to research published by Brookings. It is also legal to use corporal punishment in the home in the United States.
Comparatively, the attitude about spanking is much different in the UK.

“Spanking or smacking is not acceptable at all over here,” says Laura Hall, who is from the UK and authored the recently-published book One Day, So Many Ways. “It’s the occasion when a busybody might call the police on you. We see it as child abuse.”
This is another parenting principle that may have some generational ties, with both American and British parents becoming less supportive of physical punishment in the home. The biggest difference, though, may exist in the legality of spanking.
Whether spanking is legal in the UK is not clearly defined, but there are laws in place. According to The Sun, smacking is illegal unless it is “reasonable punishment,” which seems to leave a lot of room for personal interpretation of the law. In American, on the other hand, the use of corporal punishment is still legal in all 50 states if “administered” in the home. It’s also legal in school settings in 22 American states.

The being said, British parents definitely don’t consider themselves to be lax about discipline. They may not be as likely to employ spanking, but most aim to create clear boundaries for the kids. One common household disciplinary technique is “the naughty step,” according to Hall. Popularized by The Supernanny, it’s a designated place in the home (like a step on the stairs) where children are put in timeout if they are disobedient.

Is parenting in Britain easier?

When we focus on parenting differences, either from family to family or culture to culture, it is easy to zero in on the choices parents make. What is more helpful, perhaps, is taking a larger look at the systems that exist to support parents and how differences in these systems affect the family dynamic.

When we look at the United States and the UK, the differences parents face begin from the moment they become pregnant, starting with access to healthcare. In the UK, the National Health Service provides free healthcare to all UK that is funded through taxes. In the United States, however, only a limited group of individuals qualify for subsidized or free healthcare through Medicaid and Medicare.
Once a child is born, mothers have vastly different maternity leave experiences.
“Currently, the law is that statutory maternity leave can be taken for up to 52 weeks,” explains Adamson about policy in the UK. “After the first 26 weeks, the father of the child (or the mother’s partner) has the right to take up to 26 weeks’ leave if their partner returns to work, in effect taking the place of the mother at home.”

In the United States, companies are only required by law to provide 12 weeks of leave under FMLA to new mothers. Mothers in Britain also receive some amount of wages during the maternity for up to 39 weeks, while paid maternity leave is not regulated in the United States and is offered by a very small number of companies.

Differences in Education

There are also notable differences between how children are educated in the UK versus how we approach education in the United States. While the laws vary from state to state, many states do not require full-time education for children until they reach the age of 7. Of course, many children living in the United States are in school long before then, but if parents in the United States wish to delay their child’s education, they can.
In Britain, however, the law requires all children to be in a full-time educational program by the age of 5.

It is also worth noting that parents in the UK have access to free education earlier than parents in the U.S. In the United States, school districts aren’t required to provide free education to children until they reach the age of 5. In the UK, however, from the age of three, parents can take advantage of 570 hours of free nursery school each year, which averages out to about 15 hours a week.
Additionally, for UK households where both parents work full-time, there is an option to apply for another 15 hours a week of free nursery school. For full-time working parents, it’s easy to see how these could greatly subsidize the cost of putting one or more children in care.

Once children are enrolled in school, how do their educational experiences differ? Children in the United States spend far more time in school, with their time in the classroom totaling over 1,000 hours a year on average according to data from the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development presented by HelpMeInvestigate.com. English students, by comparison, have shorter school days. Elementary school students there typically spend fewer than 700 hours in the classroom annually according to the same resource.

massive shout out to after school friday melt downs

— Luke FM Solomon (@lukesolomon) September 16, 2016

What does this mean for parents? Well, on the one hand, more time in school might make for kids who are burnt out and cranky at the end of the day, making extracurricular activities, dinner, baths, and bedtime that much more challenging. Less time in school, however, may mean working parents need to arrange (and pay for) more alternative care on weekdays before and after school.

Another stark difference between UK and U.S. education systems has to do what children wearing to school. In the UK, 90 percent of school-aged children are required to wear a uniform to school, according to The Guardian. In the United States, children enrolled in public school typically do not wear uniforms. For U.S. parents, this can mean more stressful shopping and outfit-negotiating experiences that aren’t as common on school days in the UK.

Finding Common Ground

Although many differences do exist between British and American parents, we also share a lot of similarities. In both countries, modern parents are dealing with a lot of the same struggles pertaining to monitoring screen time, controlling over-indulgence, and addressing childhood diabetes, according to Hall.
And further, parents in both countries are working to make the best decisions for their children and their families, whether that means finding more time for activities as a family or learning to handle the busyness of being a two-working-parent household.

According to a recent study by childcare.co.uk, more than half of parents allow their children to play video games intended for adults 18 years of age or older, while nearly 90 percent of those surveyed reported that they don’t follow the suggested age limits posted on video game packaging.
These results should not necessarily come as a surprise considering the sheer volume of games sold in recent years; 2013’s Grand Theft Auto V, for example, sold some 95 million copies and has earned about $6 billion, making it one of the top-selling games of all time and one of the highest-grossing entertainment products.

However, the aforementioned study and others like it still raise important points, not only about exposure to adult video games, but also about the safeguards taken to protect vulnerable children online in general.
In an increasingly digital age where YouTube, Netflix, and their ilk are more accessible—and kids are more attached to their devices—than ever, it’s important to know how (and to whom) adult content is marketed, as well as the long-term effect it might have on the millions of young kids who watch, listen to, and play it.

How much do video game guidelines matter?

Lisa Sarafidis’ two sons, ages 7 and 11, play popular video games like Minecraft and Fortnite, sports video games such as Madden, and one of the top-selling video game franchises: Call of Duty.

“When my older son was younger, I did monitor their content and have a lot of rules. But then he started playing with older neighbor children, and it was easier to keep him occupied that way,” said Sarafidis, who lives in Bethesda, Maryland. “With my 7-year-old, I let them play games rated T for Teen, but I say no games that are rated M for Mature.”
[pullquote align=”center”]“Age guidelines are a good starting place. There’s no reason not to follow the suggestions, but there’s no substitute for a parent’s own judgment.”
—Scot Osterweil, creative director of the Education Arcade, on children’s media consumption[/pullquote]
A study from Iowa State University found that video game ratings can work if parents use them. According to the study, nearly every video game sold or downloaded came with an age-appropriate guideline rating. The study found that the guidelines are effective when parents use the recommendations to choose games that are best-suited for the age of their child.

Scot Osterweil, creative director of the Education Arcade and a research director in the Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s Comparative Media Studies/Writing Program, says that video game ratings are a good barometer for parents to follow if they are unsure about the appropriateness of the game at hand. Osterweil is an advocate for letting children explore their imaginative playtime—including time spent playing video games.
“Age guidelines are a good starting place. There’s no reason not to follow the suggestions,” he says. “But there’s no substitute for a parent’s own judgment.” He advises parents to start with those ratings, but stay involved to find out whether or not they agree with them.

Continuing the conversation and keeping the lines of communication open when it comes to content and kids is key, according to Osterweil.

Should you be worried about violent video games?

Staying engaged in the content kids consume is necessary, but Osterweil recommends doing so at a distance. The types of video games kids are playing isn’t as big of a deal as you might think, either.

“Generally speaking, parents should be involved with their kids’ lives. Although, I don’t believe in parents micromanaging their kids’ play lives,” he says. “Play—including video games—is a way in which kids explore the world and they need to be free to follow their own impulses and imaginations so that they can fail and come up with their own general outlook on the world.”
According to a study conducted by researchers at the University of York in the United Kingdom, there is no link between violent video games and a child’s behavior. Osterweil is quick to point out that play has always been somewhat violent even in the absence of video games—think childhood fantasies of slaying dragons or killing monsters.

“In adult literature, we regard tragedy as one of the highest forms of literature, and a lot of tragedy is quite violent,” he says. “Violence in literature has always been a way of struggling with human conflict and video games are, in that sense, no different from the films and literature that have come before them.”

Stay engaged—with all types of content consumed by kids.

In Ramsey Hootman’s household, video games reign supreme. Hootman’s husband is a senior software engineer in the video game industry, and her family even subscribes to Gamefly. Gamefly is a subscription-based video game rental service that allows users to try out different video games without paying full price. It’s similar to Netflix’s DVD subscription service.

Her children, ages 5 and 8, like to wake up early and play video games such as Minecraft, Yokai Watch, Mario Maker, Yoshi’s Woolly World, and Splatoon.
“If they’re quiet, they’re allowed to play for about an hour in the morning when they get up while my husband and I shower and get breakfast ready during the week,” she says. “Weekends are ‘free’ screen time, but the kids are expected to prioritize family time and activities.”

According to the U.S. National Library of Medicine, most children in the U.S. spend an average of five to seven hours a day watching TV, using tablets, playing videos games, and other types of screen time. Researchers note that too much screen time can make it hard for your child to sleep at night and increase chances of obesity, as well as put them at risk for attention problems, anxiety, and depression.
Experts recommend limiting screen time to one to two hours a day for children over the age of 2—and no screen time for children under the age of 2.

“They may get more screen time during the week, but it’s at my discretion and they are often required to earn it somehow,” says Hootman.
In Hootman’s opinion, video games can be used as a motivation tool to teach her children anything—from potty-training to reading.
“I literally potty-trained my older son when he was 2 because I let him play Angry Birds whenever he was sitting on the toilet,” says Hootman, who also grants screen time in exchange for reading lessons. The trade-off was worth it for her children. She says they both started kindergarten already knowing how to read. Although Hootman uses video games as a negotiating tool, she does monitor the types of content her kids are viewing on a regular basis—at least when they’re at home.
[pullquote align=”center”]“I’m trying to parent children who will one day become adults capable of making good choices, and the only way I can do that is allow them safe opportunities to make their own choices, fail, and learn from those failures.”
—Ramsey Hootman, mother of two[/pullquote]
When it comes to TV versus video games, Sarafidis also feels there are positive effects from video games. She would much rather her sons play video games than veg out in front of the tube. She doesn’t feel that video games lead to violence in at all—except for maybe the occasional grumblings over who gets the video controller, she jokes.
“Video games are more engaging than just staring at a television,” says Sarafidis, who encourages setting time limits if video games become a problem for a child. “I try and make sure that my kids are also active outside, but I think video games can be a good way for them to relax and hang out with friends.”

Should you monitor content on playdates?

Sarafidis and Hootman do not monitor content when their kids are over at a friend’s house.
“I view my kids’ time away from me as their opportunity to experiment and exercise the values I have taught them or choose not to,” says Hootman. “I’m trying to parent children who will one day become adults capable of making good choices, and the only way I can do that is allow them safe opportunities to make their own choices, fail, and learn from those failures.”

Hootman puts her full trust in her children when they are at a friend’s house when it comes to content.
“It’s up to them whether they want to join in or not,” she says. “They are very aware that other people have other rules and standards, and they know they can always come to me to discuss anything they don’t understand.”

That’s not to say that Hootman isn’t an advocate for monitoring content. She and her husband have established several rules in their home when it comes to playing video games.
“We do not allow them to play anything that allows them to connect with strangers on the internet,” says Hootman, referring to in-game text chats and audio communication.
[pullquote align=”center”]“The challenge for all parents is to always acknowledge that by the time their kids are 14 or 15, they are on the path to adulthood and we can’t exercise the same control we did when they were 5 or 6.”
—Scot Osterweil, creative director of the Education Arcade[/pullquote]
Recently, Hootman began allowing her 8-year-old son to play “limited contact” in multiplayer mode. For the most part, her children make it easy on her.
“We don’t have to monitor content much since our kids are really only interested in kid-oriented stuff anyway,” she says. “But at this point, we don’t let them play or watch anything with realistic people killing or maiming other people.”

Osterweil feels it’s important to allow children the freedom to make their own decisions outside of the home based on the guidance they have received from their parents, saying it’s a crucial step to preparing a child for adulthood.
“The challenge for all parents is to always acknowledge that by the time their kids are 14 or 15, they are on the path to adulthood and we can’t exercise the same control we did when they were 5 or 6,” says Osterweil, who has grown children of his own. “The only way they are going to become healthy, functioning adults is by learning from the choices they make. Authority tends to be better exercised through conversation and reason than fiat and censorship.”

I read surprisingly few parenting books during my first pregnancy. There was something in me that felt like I was probably going to be okay. I believed that since my mom had done a pretty job raising four kids, I had a pretty good idea of what I was supposed to do.

Randomly, near the end of my pregnancy, a friend of mine suggested that I give a book on baby sleep a try. She swore it changed everything for her, and her suggesting the book brought up doubts that I might not actually know what I was doing. I didn’t really have much of a plan for getting my kids to sleep each night, so maybe I should give it a shot.
I read a chapter or two before giving birth and then devoured the rest over the course of a day while nursing my newborn around the clock. This books made some pretty attractive promises centered around me getting the sleep I was desperate for a few days into motherhood.

The book, Babywise, is a pretty controversial book in the parenting world. It suggests rigorous sleep training techniques that you typically love or hate. I’m not here to stir up a fight on sleep training, so I’ll leave it at this: I knew in my gut that this book wasn’t a fit for my family. Nonetheless, I powered through the methods for two nights before my husband finally suggested we call it quits.
This was my first of many experiences feeling like the parenting advice I was reading or hearing was asking me to question [linkbuilder id=”6870″ text=”parenting practices”] that came naturally to me. It’s not that I’m some amazing parenting expert, I’m just a regular mom. The longer I am a parent and exposed to “parenting culture,” the more it feels like parents are obsessed with being perfect and that the advice given follows suit.

Like Oliver Burkeman, writer for The Guardian, I take issue with the extremes presented by so many parenting books. On top of that, I simply didn’t get how any one method could work for all children or all parents. Parenting three kids has taught me this couldn’t possibly be true.

Who knows how to parent?

Parenting books can provide confidence for nervous or anxious parents. I know, because I have turned to them during seasons of struggle. When we turn to parenting books, we’re typically looking for advice on how to parent well. Maybe a book was forced on us by a friend or perhaps we sought out a book because we had a specific fear or concern about being a mom or dad.

Whatever our reasons, we want answers from someone who knows their stuff, right? Unfortunately, we might be too trusting of who claims to be a parenting expert, turning to books based on their position on the bestseller list instead of their authors’ credentials.
Authors of parenting books should be experts in a child development, which means they should probably be trained a child psychologist, child psychiatrist, or have some kind of postgraduate education specifically focused on child development, according to Owen Muir, MD, child psychiatrist and medical director at Brooklyn Minds, a concierge mental health treatment center in Brooklyn.

“If you can find a single parenting book written by a child psychiatrist, you’re doing pretty well,” Muir says. Specifically, he notes that even pediatricians, who are experts in the medical side of childcare like screening for conditions or administering vaccines, aren’t great sources of “expert” parenting advice simply because they don’t have postgraduate education in child development.
“In child psychiatry training, you actually spend time in nurseries,” he says in providing a comparison. “A lot of the parenting advice comes from people who … don’t really have expertise how young people develop their ability to talk about thoughts and feelings or their ability to learn.”

Unfortunately, many psychologists or psychiatrists with specialized training in child development don’t step in and write a book until something is wrong, meaning they focus in on helping parents with exceptional circumstances such as caring for a child with special needs, mental health problems, or trauma in their past, according to Muir. This leaves parents with raising typically developing children in a typical environment with a smaller library of well-written books at their disposal.

The Problem with Extremes

Outside of carefully checking the credentials of the authors of any parenting advice books you read, it’s also important to take the content into consideration. The author being an expert doesn’t automatically qualify a book as a good fit for your family. Parenting books, and self-help books in general, tend to use extremes to get their point across and get their books sold.

“When you’re trying to win at having the book that’s bought by the most people, you’re often trying to catch the most eyes, and sometimes that results in advice that’s flashy but there’s not a lot of substance there,” says Shane Gregory Owens, PhD, a psychologist who works with parents and young adults.
The problem with extremes in general is that they’re actually not a great way to parent or to raise well-adjusted kids. When parents are extreme, kids learn to be extreme, too, according to Muir. Take attachment parenting, which Burkemen mentions in his article and Muir brings up as an example of extreme parenting practices.

According to the organization’s website, attachment parenting is based on the idea that parents and children can build healthy bonds through very specific parenting practices. At face value, that sounds pretty mild. When you dig deeper into the values, there are specific principles promoting co-sleeping, breastfeeding with very little flexibility or structure, and discouraging allowing the baby to cry at any point.
In Muir’s mind, parenting practices that avoid parent-child separation to such an extreme degree actually contradict what secure attachment is about—a child’s ability to feel secure in a world that isn’t always predictable and where their wants and needs aren’t constantly the main focus.

“You want children who are flexible, who can handle challenges, who can handle new experiences, and who can meet new people in their life and engage with them healthfully and not full of terror,” he says.

Lead with what you know; ask questions about the rest.

So, should parents avoid parenting advice books altogether? Hardly. Instead, parents should be careful about why they seek out parenting books, how they read them and apply the advice, and what they use that advice to accomplish.

According to Owens, for most parents, parenting well can begin from a place of starting with what you know and filling in the rest.
“You were brought up by your parents, and if you were brought up successfully, you already have a set of tools that you can bring to things,” he says. Then, as you run into things you don’t feel certain about or that you have questions about, move on to asking for advice from people within your circle. Turn to family or friends before turning to books.

At this point, if you still have unanswered questions, parenting books are great for filling in the gaps. As you start looking for books and experts, keep a few things in mind.
Firstly, remember there is no one answer for parenting well.
“Audition many books, stay away from the notion that any book has the right answers in it,” says Owens. “There few absolutes when it comes to parenting. There are few things that absolutely are right and few things that are absolutely wrong.”

Follow the advice in these books with the understanding that following any set of advice at all times isn’t realistic. Overly prescriptive parenting books, books full of lists of shoulds and shouldn’ts, set unrealistic expectations for parents, according to Owens.
Additionally, trust your knowledge of your child and your ability to respond to their needs. Parenting books can be helpful, but they can also overcomplicate what we already know about kids—they respond well to positive attention and positive feedback. For most parents, according to Muir, this means doing the things that already come naturally to us like responding with empathy to their emotions.

“If it sounds outlandish or counterintuitive, it probably is,” says Muir. “None of this is particularly rocket science: Pay attention to your kids. If they’re sad, recognize that.”
Lastly, and maybe most importantly, remember that children do not need perfect parents. You’re probably already a good enough parent. Researchers point this out in an article for Disease in Childhood, writing that the vast majority of parents are doing a satisfactory job while prescribing more intensive intervention for the minority of parents who are truly struggling.

In fact, most kids respond pretty darn well to parents who are just doing okay. Parents who are not on point 100 percent of the time, who do not always understand exactly what their child needs, actually teach their children really important lessons for emotional development. They learn flexibility and they learn to consider the possibility of misunderstandings, according to Muir.
Catherine Pearlman, PhD, licensed social worker and author of Ignore It!: How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavior Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction is a big proponent of good enough parenting and shares in an essay for for Brightly that imperfect parenting also builds independence in children, teaching them to be resourceful as they deal with disappointments in life.

For me, and for parents everywhere, this is permission to feel confident in our abilities and confident in our children, believing that we have the skills to meet their needs and they have the ability to adapt, even when we miss the mark.

Ask any teacher what they think of their students’ parents, and you’ll get the same general answer: “They’re great…for the most part.”
Unfortunately, the worst parents make the job much more difficult. It’s hard enough making lesson plans and keeping your classroom under control; when you’ve got a parent hovering over your shoulder, it’s significantly worse.
Fortunately, bad parents make for great stories. We collected a few of the best teacher anecdotes from recent Reddit threads, then edited them slightly for grammar and readability. Before you start complaining to your kid’s teacher, keep these stories in mind.

Remember, parents: It’s not about you.

“As a music teacher, I had a mother of a student who would crash choir rehearsal for our Christmas concert and try to ‘demonstrate’ how she had learned to sing ‘O Holy Night’ when she had been a student,” wrote Back2Bach (who might have the best username we’ve ever seen).

“Not only was her pitch three cents short of a dollar, but it took the principal and custodian to escort her out of the rehearsal room. For their part, the students thought it was ‘planned comedy.’ However, it was not!”

Yes, you can get too involved in your child’s education.

“I’ve been pretty lucky,” wrote BosskHogg. “Most of my parents have been cool, supportive, and laid back. I did, however, have one mom who stalked me heavily online—not because she liked me, but because she wanted to constantly talk about her daughter’s (supposed lack of) progress.”

“She sent me friend requests repeatedly and showed up at the school once while I was teaching to ask me why I didn’t accept her request. She somehow got my personal email and began emailing my personal email rather than my work email. She also told her daughter to follow me home one day so she could ‘stop by’ sometime. Thankfully, the daughter told me about this in advance, and she didn’t do it.”
“It finally ended when the daughter was pulled from the school after a lawsuit was filed declaring negligence on our part for not ‘meeting the student’s needs.’ The daughter was a straight-B student who didn’t really act out too much and seemed to enjoy school.”

Sometimes, a parent’s religious beliefs can be an issue.

“I had a parent of a kindergartner tell me, in all seriousness, that she was told by their church prophet that my student was sent to lead the world into salvation,” wrote Esk_209. “Her little girl was the second coming of Christ.”
“Gee, no pressure. ‘Here, teach the Christ-child to read.’ Plus, she was one of the meanest children I ever taught.”
Oddly enough, that’s not the most unbelievable story involving religion.
“I’m currently dealing with a parent who thought I that I taught their kid about Jihad,” wrote the ironically named Mynameiswrath. “We had ‘Holidays Around the World’ before our winter break. Each teacher took a holiday and explained it through activities, videos, music, food, etc.”
“I chose Diwali and decorated my room in lights. We had a fun writing/coloring activity and a child-friendly video about the holiday.”
Diwali, by the way, is the Hindu festival of lights. It celebrates the power of light over darkness and the triumph of good versus evil. Pretty good stuff, right? 
(There’s also a Diwali in Jainism, another ancient religion in India. The commenter clarified that they were speaking specifically about the Hindu version. Either way, both are celebrations of goodness.)

“The student then goes home and tells the parent that I was teaching about killing and about a religion that started with a J.”
“The parents questioned their child to the point of him crying. I asked him about it, and he said that they wouldn’t let him leave it alone, and he ended up crying for a while about it. The parent said they knew it wasn’t the Jewish religion, so then it had to be Jihad.”
“What?! Jihad? That’s a religion? And if it was a religion, why would I be teaching that to my elementary classroom? Seriously, facepalm.”
“The best part is that the parent CC’d my boss on the email without talking to me at all about it. My boss usually faults on the side of his teachers, so I’m not worried about that, but I just couldn’t believe a well-educated adult thought that Jihad was a religion. She asked her husband, and he agreed it had to be Jihad as well! If that is the mindset in that child’s home, they have a lot to overcome.”

No, your report card isn’t just a reflection of your genetics.

Reddit user Lechuck333 is a student teacher.
“This one isn’t so bad as it is stupid,” they wrote. When a teacher calls something “stupid,” you know you’re getting a good story.
“I had a pair of twins in my French class. One was quite bright, but not perfect; say in the B+/A- range. The other, not so much. The other twin was failing by a large margin.”

“Parents’ night. As a student teacher, I didn’t have to go, but I figured it was best to keep up appearances. The twins’ mom comes in and we all talk about the first twins’ grades. I’m mainly saying that they do this well, and this, and that they need to work on this to get past the B+. As for the other twin, we list our concerns: They are good at this, but they really struggle with that, blah blah blah. Just your standard feedback that would help both twins do well.”
“However, the mother gave one of the stupidest responses I’d ever heard. Both the teacher and myself were speechless. You’d think her comment was a joke, but she was serious—dead serious. And I bet it’s not the first time she’s said it.”
“Her response: ‘But if they’re identical twins, shouldn’t they have the same grade?’”

If you’ve got a problem, take it up with the teachers.

“My wife is the principal of an expensive daycare,” wrote Takenorinvalid. “Like, really expensive. Every parent drives a BMW or better.”
“A 3-year-old once ran away from the group during a field trip. The teacher, an incredibly mild woman, caught the kid and asked him if he thought what he did was good or bad. She didn’t hit him, she didn’t even criticize him or make him go in time out—she just asked him if he thought it was a good thing to do.”

“The mother freaked out. Not because her child nearly went missing—she was furious that any type of discipline whatsoever was administered. My wife was on the phone with her until 2:00 a.m. while this woman screamed, ‘She has no right to tell my child what to do! Who does she think she is?’”
“Fortunately, the woman became angry enough that she pulled her kid out a few days later. But that teacher is now so terrified to discipline her students that her class is out of control.”

When your kid’s in college, it’s time to let go.

“[I have issues with] any parent of a college-age student that thinks they still need or can do anything about their child’s grade,” wrote Rockman507. “For all four terms I’ve taught freshman biology labs, I’ve had at least one student’s parent call my admin about why there is someone with a B.S. in physics teaching their precious child biology. What does he know about grading lab reports?”
“And they’ll say that they need to change their precious child’s grade on the last report—the one that was supposed to be 10 pages with graphs, but their innocent perfect child turned in only one page with no graph—from an ‘F’ to the more fair ‘A’ grade.”

“A PhD does not make you a good teacher. It also doesn’t mean you know intro-level general biology 101 any better than someone that completed a general senior year of biology undergrad classes and a full degree in another lab science.”
“The last thing you really want is a PhD in a lab section teaching you how to hold the petri dish close to a flame for aseptic technique…they will assume since they have been dealing with capable students for 10-20 years that you already know all the nuances and therefore harder for them to come down to your level as a freshman in explaining topics and techniques.”

If you’re going to make a scene, make sure you’re right.

“I walk into the school office to check my mailbox,” wrote Woolyboy76. “A parent of one of my students sees me and says very loudly, almost screaming: ‘Oh, finally! Look, everyone, I found a teacher! Do you realize that I left work early to come here after school to talk to my son’s teachers about his report card, and you are literally the only teacher I have found?’”
He continued, obviously—when parents are angry, it’s hard to get them to shut up.
“‘I went from classroom to classroom and everyone is gone! Do you know what time it is? It’s 3:45 p.m.! School ended fifteen minutes ago! Fifteen minutes! And you’re the only teacher still here! Can you explain to me why everyone in the building is gone? Can you explain to me why every teacher has left the building when school just got out?’”
“I paused, waiting to see if there was more. When I realized he had finished, I said, ‘All the teachers are in the library. We’re having a faculty meeting.’”
“The look on his face was priceless. He knew he was in the wrong, but by that point, he had committed so fiercely to his anger and righteousness that he couldn’t just apologize. So instead, he said, ‘Well, that’s just irresponsible.’ And he walked out of the office.”

The “nightmare parents” aren’t always the ones that stick with teachers.

“I worked at a school for blind and visually impaired kids,” wrote Clavalle. “This woman had a daughter that was blind and mentally delayed, but otherwise healthy. They were referred to our school when the daughter was in her mid-teens. Her mother did so much for this girl that she considered completely helpless (she was not). Her legs atrophied and she couldn’t stand on her own.”
“We dealt with our share of nightmare parents of various stripes—from the completely uninvolved to control freaks who knew every bureaucratic trick that they could pull to get what they wanted—but this one, the one that cared so much for her daughter that she crippled her even further, is the one I think back to the most often. It was a constant battle to get her to back off and let her daughter learn to be an independent person.”

Evolution’s always a touchy subject.

However, it’s also solid science—like it or not.
“My favorite one was the lady who wrote a letter to all four principals, the superintendent, and every member of the school board,” wrote Wardsac. “She was threatening to sue the board if I wasn’t fired, because I referenced evolution (along with gravity and a few other topics) in a conversation with my class about the difference between a ‘theory’ and a ‘scientific theory.’”
“Mind you, we didn’t get into anything about evolution. It was a basic freshman Intro to Physical Science class, but the fact that I even mentioned evolution was enough.”

“The meeting was spectacular. She yelled at me and the principals for a few minutes, then went into her rant about why evolution was apparently bull, referencing entropy and the laws of thermodynamics.”
“At some point, I stopped her and asked her if she understands that those laws only apply to closed systems, which the Earth is not, and she told me I was wrong—it was a closed system. I think I said something about ‘that giant ball of fire in the sky’ before my administrators excused me.”

We shouldn’t have to say this, but don’t yell at grade schoolers.

“My roommate is a preschool teacher,” wrote one Reddit user whose account has since been deleted. “She has a student in her class who is very, very rambunctious. She has a pretty good line of communication with the boy’s mother—the mother is not in denial about her son’s behavioral issues. [My roommate] also has a girl in her class who is spoiled rotten; she’s used to getting everything she wants immediately.”
“One afternoon, my roommate was waiting on parents to pick up the kids, and she was chatting with the mother of Rambunctious Boy. All of the sudden, the mother of Spoiled Girl bursts into the room.”
Dibs on “Rambunctious Boy” as our new band name.
“She starts yelling…at Rambunctious Boy. Apparently, he had pushed Spoiled Girl on the playground the day before. Spoiled Girl didn’t tell my roommate or the other teacher—just her mom. She also told her mom that Rambunctious Boy didn’t get punished (since she didn’t say anything to the teachers).”
“Her mom decides to take this out not on the teachers, but on this 4-year-old boy. She screams at him not to touch her daughter, and that there would be consequences and blah blah. Obviously, Rambunctious Boy starts crying. My roommate and the other mother are just in shock, and Spoiled Girl and her mom turn and leave in a huff.”
“Congratulations, lady. You just bullied a 4-year-old into crying. I really hope you feel good about yourself.”

Help your kids with their homework—but don’t do it for them.

“My mom was a substitute for about six months while the regular teacher was out on maternity leave,” wrote H70541. “They had a meeting with parents; to that point, my mom had had about four months with the kids to learn their names and a bit about them. This is 4th grade, mind you.”
“One parent came in flustered, beet red, complaining that their child had low scores—low Cs and mid Ds in most courses.”

“My mom had noticed that the child had not turned in much of her homework. While she’d received some of the assignments, they were clearly in the parent’s handwriting, and often with very few mistakes, especially in math, which had been honestly what had been keeping the child’s GPA in check. Her in-class work was often riddled with mistakes, which led the teacher to believe the kid wasn’t paying attention.”
“When my mom met the parents, she brought up the differences between the in-class work and the homework, then asked if they were doing the work for her, as that would damage the child’s education down the road.”
“My mom also brought this to the principal, and he just let it off. The parents yelled at her, and since the regular teacher was due to return in a few months, my mom did what any evil genius would do.”

“She cut homework in half and made most of the work in class. The child’s Cs dropped to Ds, and the Ds dropped to Fs. The parents returned even more upset that my mom was ‘intentionally failing the child.’”
“Apparently, it worked. The principal told the parents, ‘It’s her lesson plan, and a lot of the other students are jealous of her lack of homework.’” The kid began to focus more in class. When my mom checked in around the end of the year, the kid was rolling on high Cs and low Bs, and the parents’ handwriting had stopped.”

The worst stories involve parents who simply don’t listen to reason.

“I was teaching high school in the South Bronx at the time,” wrote one Reddit user. “A student of mine had just assaulted another, and I had to physically restrain him until school security showed up.”
The kid also had some choice words for the teacher—none of which we can reprint here.

“Obviously, we had to call his mom in. The first thing she said when we sat down was, ‘How did you all get my number? I thought I gave you a fake one.’ She proceeded to give no f**** about the fact that her son was on the verge of expulsion. He didn’t come back to school the following year.”
That’s heartbreaking, but we think this one’s even worse.
“I was teaching a sweet 13-year-old girl who obviously couldn’t see the board very well and needed glasses, as she was falling behind in class,” wrote Breakyourbad. “I called her mother—this is in south London, so imagine a [strong accent]—her mum told me, ‘I didn’t need glasses, my mother didn’t need glasses, so she doesn’t need any glasses,’ and hung up.”
“In that situation, you just feel for the girl.”

Have you ever been in the middle of emptying the diaper genie of what is possibly your kid’s stinkiest bag of disposable diapers yet, and thought, “Is this what parents in other countries are doing with their Friday evening too?” Not so much.

While American parents heavily rely on disposable diapers to cover their precious babies’ bums, many parents in India and China opt for cloth diapers, while parents in other parts of the world (and apparently Brooklyn) eschew diapers altogether.
Disposable diapers are just one American parenting go-to that the rest of the world finds shocking. Read on for seven other things American parents do that leave caregivers in other countries scratching their heads.

1. Pavlov’s Guide to Potty-Training

Speaking of disposable diapers, parents in the U.S. tend to use diapers until they potty train their kids at age two or three. To put that in perspective with a little math: Babies go through an average of ten diapers per day. If you don’t potty train until age three, that’s almost 11,000 diapers. That’s a lot of diapers.

But what if I told you that kids are potty trained as early as nine months old in some countries? It may sound too good to be true, but according to one study, in Vietnam, babies are taught to go to the bathroom when they hear their mothers whistle.
Essentially, moms learn to identify baby’s bathroom cues. Each time they sense their baby needs to urinate, they make the same whistling sound. Eventually, the baby associates the sound with going to the bathroom and learns to urinate on command, eliminating the need for diapers at an early age.

As a mom of two in diapers, anything that cuts down on the seemingly endless trips to the changing table I make per day sounds amazing. …BRB, I need to go work on my whistling skills.

2. A table for two and a half, please.

According to recent Gallup polls, three in five Americans dine out at least once per week, with 16 percent of Americans admitting to eating out at least three or more times per week. My husband and I are guilty of toting our toddler out to restaurants a couple times a week, which inevitably ends in a huge mess under the high chair and a gratuitous tip for our understanding server.

In The Year of Living Danishly, author Helen Russell explains that Danish parents, on the other hand, enjoy kid-free outings by simply parking their stroller, baby and all, outside of restaurants, shops, and other areas. “In graduate school, our Danish friends regularly bundled up their baby in the stroller for a walk to church. Instead of bringing him inside, though, they’d leave the baby parked right outside the church door,” recalls Dora Cook, a new mom living in North Carolina.
“While the rest of us in attendance were taken aback by this behavior, the Danes assured us this was completely normal in Denmark, as they feared their baby would not only be disruptive, but much too warm inside,” she says.

While Americans are nonplussed at this behavior, parents in Denmark and other Scandinavian countries believe that napping in the cold is good for their kids. And considering Denmark regularly tops the list as one of the world’s safest countries, parents don’t worry about kidnapping so much as they are concerned about their kid getting a good nap in (see what I did there?).

3. Bye-bye, binkies.

Fed up with waking up in a pool of my own breast milk, I started using a pacifier to discourage my son from nursing all night long as a comfort tool. Now he’s totally hooked on pacifiers, and while I no longer have to wake up for night feedings, I still have to get up a bazillion times a night to pop in a pacifier.

I have resigned myself to never getting a full night’s sleep again. While more than 75 percent of Western babies use a pacifier, parents in some cultures, like the Aka Pygmy tribe in western Congo are totally fine with being used as a human pacifier. If mom’s not around to nurse, an Aka father or another family member will offer a breast to calm a fussy baby.

While my husband was all about skin-to-skin contact to soothe and bond with our son when he was an infant, he drew the line at becoming a human pacifier, instead preferring to stockpile our son’s favorite binkies in bulk.

4. School’s out till 7.

Like all parents, American moms and dads want their kids to excel in school, often starting kids in early learning programs to prep for kindergarten in late toddlerhood, and looking forward to sending them off to kindergarten at age five.

But kids in Finland don’t start school (even pre-k programs) until they’re 7 years old. Even though they start school two years later than American children, Finnish kids can often already read and do simple math by the time they begin kindergarten.

That’s because, like the U.S., most Finnish children attend some sort of preschool program. But unlike the U.S., Finland’s children are required by law to have access to universal preschool programs, regardless of a parent’s income. And it seems universal preschool paves the way to success: By age 15, Finnish kids academically outperform most other countries, including the United States, on international assessments.

5. Mommy’s Little Helper

Universally, young kids love to help mom and dad with chores. The problem is that when little kids help, parents are oftentimes left with a bigger mess than when they started! For example, my son loves to help fold laundry. As in, he loves to watch me fold it, then he drags it out of the basket and hands it back to me to fold again. Sigh.

Short on time, I, like most American parents, corral my kid into a play area, high chair, or other baby containment area so I can get chores done without “help” from my little one. That said, according to an article published by NPR, in Latin America, a little one’s participation in household chores is encouraged, even if it creates a mess.
And they may be onto something. Kids who are allowed with chores as toddlers grow up to become kids who (gasp) do chores without being told. According to NPR, in one Mayan family, a 7-year-old girl proudly bragged about doing her own laundry, while others voluntarily did chores without asking.

After traveling extensively through Latin America, mother Tracy Jarrell decided she wanted to practice this type of parenting with her own children when the time came. “We’re doing this now with our daughter, and while it can be a lot harder, she loves being involved and helping mom and dad like a big girl.” So the next time your kid wants to help with household chores, think of the inevitable mess as an investment in the future.

6. A Whole New Kind of “Moms’ Group”

In the U.S., parents are pretty hands-off when it comes to dating (unless you’re part of the Duggar clan). But in some parts of China, you can forget meeting a mate on dating apps.

Instead, Chinese parents meet in “marriage markets” to set their single adult children up on dates instead. Yes, you read that right. In Shanghai and other parts of China, parents meet up in parks, their umbrellas and posters pasted with their children’s background information prominently displayed in front of them.
Parents swap stories about their kids, hoping for a potential match. A child’s obedience to their parents is highly valued in China, so while Americans might cringe at the thought of their parents blabbing their personal details to total strangers in hopes of attracting a partner, many young adults in China rely on their parents’ input.

So the next time your mom tries to set you up with her co-worker’s son, remember it could be worse; she could be setting up shop in the park with an umbrella broadcasting everything from your age to your favorite food.

7. Let baby take the lead at mealtimes.

In the U.S., baby’s first food is traditionally a soupy cereal mixture or a pureed blend of fruits and vegetables. But in Europe, many parents skip purees altogether, and practice baby-led weaning, introducing their kids to whole foods right away.
For families who practice baby-led weaning, it’s not uncommon to see an infant chowing down on the same food mom and dad are eating, which can be startling to parents who give their kids purees.

Baby-led weaning is gaining in popularity in the U.S., especially with the recent scare over heavy metals found in many popular baby foods.
So have American parents been introducing solids incorrectly? The good news is that according to feeding experts, either way is totally fine. Some babies respond well to baby-led weaning, while other babies are more cautious, preferring to slurp purees first.

But now you know; if you see a small baby nomming a whole banana while mom looks nonchalantly on, don’t be alarmed. They’re probably just practicing baby-led weaning.