Category: Mindful Parenting

Cindy Girard’s parents wanted to do what they felt was best for their kids. In their minds, this meant staying together. Their marriage was already failing when she was born, but they chose to wait to get a divorce.
“My parents didn’t fight,” Girard tells HealthyWay, “but they basically lived separate lives.”
Girard wishes her parents had made a different decision; she doesn’t believe their choice was best for her and her two siblings. When her parents eventually divorced after years of trying to make their difficult marriage work, Girard and her two siblings were 11, 13, and 15, respectively.

“It would have been far easier on the kids had they divorced when we were little, rather than when we were adolescents trying to figure out who we are and what this world is all about,” says Girard, who believes her parents’ divorce was the catalyst for decades of struggles for her and her siblings. She has coped with depression ever since their split, and her brothers have both dealt with their own demons.
Girard’s sentiments about her parents’ delayed divorce aren’t out of the ordinary. Even when parents believe they are making a choice that is in the best interest of their family, it may have unintended effects on the kids.

A 2015 poll by Resolution, a family-law organization, found that the majority of children would prefer their parents didn’t stay together for their sake. And even when kids initially wanted their parents’ marriage to stay intact, many of them eventually came around to the idea that divorce was the better option for the family.
Even with numbers like this, ending a marriage is never an easy decision, and there are many things to consider before making the leap. Here’s how you can know when you should call it quits instead of staying together for the kids.

A Suffering Home Environment

Constant conflict is reasonable grounds for separation, according to Mayra Mendez, PhD, a licensed psychotherapist and program coordinator at Providence Saint John’s Child and Family Development Center.

“When children are exposed to a lot of conflict, disagreement, negative social problem solving, name-calling, bashing … that kind of constant, conflictual turmoil on a day-to-day basis … is very, very negative,” she says.
This constant exposure to extreme conflict, especially at a young age, has a negative effect on the social-emotional competence of a child, Mendez says. Social-emotional competence refers to a child’s ability to identify and express their emotions, regulate their emotions and behavior, relate to others, and engage in healthy relationships.

Long-standing research backs up Mendez’s assertion. The environment in which a child grows up directly impacts their mental and physical health, according to one 2002 profile of at-risk families published in the journal Psychological Bulletin. In homes where conflict and aggressive behavior are the norm, children are less likely to learn healthy responses to stress and how to process their emotions, and may eventually engage in risky behaviors.

“Their primary mode of learning is modeling,” says Mendez. “Modeling by their primary caregivers who they trust—mom and dad. So in those situations when there is all this conflict going on, divorce might not be such a bad idea because they’re not living that battlefield day in and day out.”

Lack of Safety in the Home

The safety of a child, both emotionally and physically, shouldn’t be compromised for the sake of saving a marriage. If one parent is unsafe or prone to abuse or neglect, this is a valid reason for separation or divorce. Sometimes, even when obvious abuse isn’t present, one parent exhibiting hostility toward a child is enough to warrant separation.

“When the couple is experiencing one or the other being a bit more hostile, irritable, more angry, the very first step is to be able to talk about it and have open communication with each other,” says Mendez. “If they’re able to get to a point of actually getting some help, that might be really, really helpful.”
Professional support can create a safe environment. Mediated by someone with an education in this type of conflict, support allows the involved parties to talk through the conflicts within the home.

If parenting or marital support isn’t beneficial, or one party isn’t open to change, separation may be necessary. This is especially true if anger elevates to abuse or neglect of a family member. Mendez believes the next conversation should be concerned with the safety of the home and how exposure to conflict can affect the children.

“What’s in the best interest of the child might be separate homes,” says Mendez, “and then maybe thinking about the custody arrangements, because a parent might not be very comfortable with sending a child home for visitation with somebody who is blowing their stack all the time because that’s not safe for the child.”

Preparing Children for Divorce

“The breakup of the family unit is traumatic—even in the most amicable divorce,” said Fran Walfish, PsyD, author of The Self-Aware Parent, in an interview with Fatherly.
[pullquote align=”center”]”Encourage open, direct expression of these feelings. The more comfortable you become with her verbalizing anger, the more validated and accepted she will feel—flaws and all.”
—Fran Walfish, PsyD[/pullquote]
Parents can expect a range of emotions and behaviors from their children during a separation or divorce, Walfish tells HealthyWay. She cites trouble in school, worries about custody arrangements, anger at the parents, and more.
“You need to give her permission to have powerful emotions about the huge disruption in her life,” says Walfish. “Encourage open, direct expression of these feelings. The more comfortable you become with her verbalizing anger, the more validated and accepted she will feel—flaws and all.”

In addition to open communication about the divorce experience, Walfish offers practical advice for parents guiding their child through this life change.
First, she suggests helping children find someone they feel comfortable talking with. Some kids might worry they can’t be honest with their parents because they might hurt their parents’ feelings. Another family member or even a therapist can provide a safe place for kids to process the experience.

Secondly, Walfish says that a physical outlet for emotions can be helpful. She suggests gymnastics, sports, dance, or taekwondo.
Additionally, it is helpful for parents to remember how difficult a custody arrangement can be on children and to help mitigate the complications.
“Most teens get frazzled when their favorite shirt or jacket is at mom’s house or dad’s, and they are not there to retrieve it. Or perhaps they left their history book or homework assignment at the other parent’s house,” she says. “It is very anxiety-provoking for the teen.”

Walfish recommends that parents navigate these worries, along with worries about differences in rules and [linkbuilder id=”6547″ text=”parenting styles”], by working together. When parents are polarized on how they approach parenting, it can create alarming behavioral responses in kids. Agreeing on a shared strategy can help make this transition less disruptive.

What Kids Can Learn From Divorce

As difficult as divorce might be, not all its consequences are negative. Children can, and do, learn a lot about relationships from a divorce. For Girard, her parents’ divorce was a lesson in how to approach her own separation. First, she learned that staying together when the marriage couldn’t be repaired wasn’t in the best interest of anyone involved. Secondly, she learned how she wanted to approach her divorce for the health of her two boys.
“I refused to badmouth [my ex] to the boys,” she explains. “I helped the kids work through their feelings toward their dad and slowly worked us all toward forgiveness.”

According to Mendez, one of the most valuable lessons children can learn comes from watching parents divorce in a way that exemplifies problem-solving and compromise. It reminds children that it is possible to have differences of opinion without tumultuous conflict.
“They’re modeling for their child that problem-solving can happen in a very peaceful, positive way,” Mendez says. “Children learn that through their parents, so that’s a huge, huge benefit.”
Divorce also teaches an important lesson about relationships; it’s a reminder that some relationships do change, says Mendez. She also stresses the importance of children understanding that things continue to move forward even when they don’t stay the same.

Lastly, divorcing parents can help their children understand that the change in the relationship between two parents doesn’t have to harm the child-parent relationship.
“Give your kids permission to love and respect both parents,” advises Walfish. “If his father says derogatory remarks about you, tell him that divorce is a grown-up matter, and sometimes moms and dads are mad at each other, but it is not the kids’ fault or responsibility to fix.”

It isn’t a happy thing to see your marriage come to an end, but it can be the best choice for everyone involved. In homes where conflict is abundant and previous attempts to repair the marriage simply haven’t worked, separation can bring peace to an otherwise turbulent situation.

Most parents want their kids to behave, right? More importantly, we want them to grow up to be healthy, well-adjusted, contributing members of society. This, of course, looks different for many parents. Some parents prioritize academics, while others care more about sports. Other parents don’t care how their kids perform in school or sports, as long as they’re kind.

Most parents, however, agree about swearing and arguing. When it comes to raising good kids, these bad habits rarely fit into the equation.
Because of this, many parents spend a lot of time working on teaching their kids to avoid “bad” habits. Most often, we teach them not to swear. We break up sibling arguments before they go too far, never giving our children the chance to resolve the conflict themselves.

As it turns out, not all “bad” habits are truly bad for our kids. There might actually be some benefit to normalizing behaviors typically treated as taboo. Don’t believe us? Check out what the science has to say about giving your children a little more freedom to use their voices.

The Science of Letting it Fly

Let’s take a closer look at the habit of swearing. It might be true that modern parenting culture sees swearing in front of your kids as something to avoid, and a toddler dropping a four-letter word into a conversation is only treated as cute the first time.
Well, the truth is, most parents aren’t actually avoiding this habit of swearing in front of their kids. In fact, 74 percent of moms admit to swearing while their kids are in earshot, according to a survey conducted by, of all groups, Kraft.

Of course, if swearing in front of your kids has become a habit you indulge in occasionally, you can always make some changes. Maybe you could start up a swearing jar, giving up a quarter every time you make a slip. You could also swap out a few choice words for something a little more innocent.
You could also continue to let it fly. That is what Benjamin Bergen, cognitive scientist and author of What the F: What Swearing Reveals About Our Language, Our Brain, and Ourselves, believes.

If research conducted on college students is any indication, there aren’t really any negative effects associated with swearing in front of kids, according to an op-ed Bergen wrote for the LA Times—the only exception being the use of slurs, which have no place in the home (or anywhere). These words, quite obviously, teach children to negatively perceive those being attacked by the slur.

More interesting, perhaps, is the argument that swearing has a benefit. In an interview with National Geographic, Emma Byrne, author of Swearing is Good for You, pointed to a Keele University experiment in which swearing increased pain tolerance and decreased perceived pain.
An important note, though, is that subsequent research found that habitual swearers experience less relief from swearing during pain. Teaching your children when it’s okay to swear is key.

Another behavior commonly curbed by mom and dad is arguing. Parents hate when their kids get into it, especially when it disrupts the peace in the home. Telling kids to “be nice” might not be as beneficial as you’d think.
In an article for the Wall Street Journal, Sara Zaske, author of Achtung Baby: An American Mom on the German Art of Raising Self-Reliant Children, wrote that German parents are more likely to let their kids work things out than to jump in and referee a disagreement. In her experience, that practice is largely beneficial. Instead of trying to solve disagreements, German parents might ask a few leading questions to help a child empathize with the other children involved. Otherwise, kids were left to work things out on their own.

Allowing your children to fight their own battles provides benefits, like learning to stick up for themselves and how to navigate tricky relationships, reported the Chicago Tribune.
“I think [arguing is] normal for anybody at a young age who is not able to really understand their emotions and the perspectives of others yet,” says parenting coach Antonio Harrison, PhD. “When you’re cramped in a space with people, things are bound to boil over at certain points.”

In his home, this perspective typically means the parents step back during the little spats or disagreements. Instead, they draw the line when things turn into a physical fight or when name calling is involved.

The Science of Control

Although the specific research on “bad” habits is certainly interesting, it’s worth noting that there is a bigger picture to consider: How do children respond to control? There is a large body of research devoted to examining [linkbuilder id=”6588″ text=”different styles of parenting”] and how they affect children.
[pullquote align=”center”]“It’s important that parents ask themselves ‘What really matters here?’ and ‘What skills do I want my child to learn right now?’”
—Sharon Saline, PsyD[/pullquote]
Authoritarian parents are strict, have a lot of rules, and tend to harshly enforce those rules. Authoritative parents, on the other hand, have high expectations of their children but are generally less demanding. They are emotionally engaged with their children and try to offer discipline that will encourage growth.

Research largely associates authoritarian parenting with negative outcomes for children, like associating being obedient with being loved and struggling with self-control, according to a resource provided by University of California, Los Angeles. This doesn’t mean authoritative parenting is perfect, but it is more likely to produce well-adjusted children with high levels of self-control.
“Hearing a lot of don’ts can be overwhelming for kids,” says Sharon Saline, PsyD, author of What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew: Working Together to Empower Kids for Success in School and Life. “It’s important that parents ask themselves ‘What really matters here?’ and ‘What skills do I want my child to learn right now?’ This means honestly assessing where your child is currently and remembering that learned behaviors build on each other.”

Harrison believes kids who are completely shielded from adult activities during childhood could enter into adulthood unprepared. In his opinion, it would be more beneficial for parents to be able to model appropriate use of adult language or conflict than for their first exposure to come in a less secure environment.

The Power of Modeling

So when it comes to behavior in childhood, is nothing off limits? That might be taking things a little too far. Instead, taking what we know about swearing, drinking, and conflict into account, along with what we know about healthy parenting styles, it’s worth taking a second look at our parenting choices and making a few adjustments to the way we approach behavior.
[pullquote align=”center”]“All … parents think that it’s about the kid’s behavior when it is really about the parent’s behavior,” he says. “Kids will follow suit with whatever is given to them consistently.”
—Antonio Harrison, PhD[/pullquote]
For Harrison, all of this is part of a bigger lesson about being the type of parents who model healthy behavior. In his mind, it’s not about parents avoiding swears in front of their kids, it’s about the context in which we use the words.
“My family swears in front of our children,” he says. “The key is, we’re not getting belligerent; we’re not swearing like sailors every other word; everything’s in context with whatever we’re doing.”
The important part here is that parents need to be modeling the right choices, according to Harrison. Don’t use hate speech or argue with the intent to hurt. But if you stub your toe and let out a four-letter word, explain that those words aren’t to be used all the time; if you have a disagreement with your partner, settle it empathetically and civilly.

“All … parents think that it’s about the kid’s behavior when it is really about the parent’s behavior,” he says. “Kids will follow suit with whatever is given to them consistently.”
What about when it’s the child doing the swearing? Harrison suggests parents avoid being too reactive. In his own parenting, he tries to take a step back and consider the context before responding in anger. In some cases, he finds he feels his child’s frustration warranted a slip of the tongue.

Harrison offers two pieces of advice to parents who would like a healthier way to respond to misbehavior in the home.

First, he suggests that parents offer plenty of positive feedback to good behavior. Parents should be speaking up as often, if not more often, when their kids are doing right as they do when they’re doing wrong.
“This doesn’t mean a dessert or a cookie,” he says. “Simply saying, ‘Good job. Thank you. I love you.’ is good enough.”

Secondly, he strongly encourages parents to wait before they respond to poor behavior. Take a deep breath or walk away. Do what needs to be done to give you a few seconds to think about what happened before firing off. This doesn’t mean there won’t be discipline to follow, it simply means you have the chance to think it through first.
“When something does happen, give it 10 seconds to think about the context of the situation, what was going on, why that happened. You brought yourself down to where you’re thinking as opposed to just spewing things out of your mouth without thinking.”

Parenting is often not as black and white as it may seem. Whether you’re trying to navigate swearing or arguing in your home, be patient with yourself and your children. With time, you will find the approach that feels the most comfortable for your family and communicates the lessons you most want your children to learn.

I read Sara Zaske’s 2018 book, Achtung Baby: An American Mom on the Art of Raising Self-Reliant Children, at just the right time. My youngest was creeping up on 18 months; I found myself with three talking, walking, and climbing kids under the age of 6.
I was completely exhausted.

I spent much of my days feeling like there would never be enough time to do all of the things required of me as a mom of young kids. The biggest obstacle I was facing, perhaps, was keeping my kids entertained for hours each day while my husband was away at work. Was I a mom or a cruise ship entertainment director? Many days, it was hard to tell.
I read Zaske’s book with skepticism at first. Parenting books are abundant and can be overly prescriptive, in my opinion. I wasn’t really looking for another book providing a long list of things I should be doing. Instead, I found Achtung Baby to be very descriptive, almost like a memoir. Zaske, a Pacific Northwesterner, wrote the book after spending time as a transplant in Berlin.

She found herself a new mom in a world that looked wildly different from her own, and she quickly learned that Germans parent much differently than Americans do. She explained how she had initially expected German parents to be controlling and authoritarian but was surprised to find that wasn’t the case. Instead, she found that Germans prioritize self-reliance, which influences many of the decisions they make about how they parent their children.
[pullquote align=”center”]“They feel capable. They feel trusted. They’re learning responsibility.”
—Sara Zaske, author of Achtung Baby, on the benefits of the German parenting style[/pullquote]
As I read her book, I learned a lot about how I might benefit from adopting the German way of parenting. 

What’s so different about German parenting?

In Germany, Zaske observed that the overarching theme guiding parents’ decisions was teaching their children self-reliance. Day in and day out, kids were given the opportunity to learn to figure the world out on their own. They were given space to play and learn without the over-involvement of their parents.
[pullquote align=”center”]“The biggest difference is that parents do not ‘helicopter’ over their children.”
—Christina Robinson Bayse, mom of four, on German parenting[/pullquote]
If you’ve ever been on a playground in America, you know this is contrary to how the average American parent approaches child rearing.
“The most immediate and obvious [difference between German and American parents] is how German parents interacted with their kids on playgrounds—or didn’t interact,” Zaske tells HealthyWay. “They not only stay away from the kids when the kids go off to play, a lot of the time they don’t feel like they need to be in the line of sight.”

In her book, Zaske noted that German toddlers do typically stay in their parents’ eyesight. However, once they reach 3 or 4, they are given more freedom. By the time they are 8 or 9, they’re making the trip to the playground alone, even in a larger city like Berlin. She writes about leaving her 8-year-old with a friend’s family for a playdate. When the time came to pick her up, she found her daughter and her 8-year-old friend alone at the playground with no adults in sight.  
Mom of four Christina Robinson Bayse spent three years in Germany as a young mom and had a very similar experience to Zaske’s. She admits to helicopter parenting her children until she saw how Germans were parenting. They simply weren’t as hyper-involved in their kids’ lives.

“The biggest difference is that parents do not ‘helicopter’ over their children,” she recalls. “Children ride public transportation alone at very young ages; they climb the highest trees, and spend hours upon hours exploring alone. If they get injured, no biggie. …They will remember not to do the exact same thing the next time.”
In Bayse’s observation, German parents often sent their kids out in the morning and expected them to stay outside playing all day.
Their prioritizing of self-reliance doesn’t end with play. Children are expected to learn the essential functions of day-to-day life. Zaske says this means many kids are riding the public transit, known as the U-Bahn, to school each day by the time they are 8 or 9.

In schools, kids are given many opportunities to practice self-reliance.
“I was informed that the 3 to 4-year-olds would be using real silverware, porcelain cups, knives, and the kitchen stove to prepare and eat their own lunches,” shares Bayse. “I watched in awe at how competent these wee ones were and how easily they could handle glass, knives, appliances, et cetera.”
While the use of sharp objects and stoves is difficult to endorse—the United States Consumer Product Safety Commision has safety statutes for a reason—the general practice of teaching children to care for themselves is something American parents can implement.

Perhaps the most notable trait of German parents is that they widely accept daycare and preschool as beneficial for children. This is such a part of the culture in Germany that childcare is subsidized throughout the country. Zaske shares that German parents, by and large, see it as a great opportunity for the kids, a chance for independence, making new friends, and exploration.

“When I heard those kinds of arguments, which I never heard in America, I was like, ‘Wow! You’re right. They are getting new experiences and friends, and the kids get a space of their own.’”

A Win-Win Model for Parenting

When children are given opportunities to explore and learn about their world and test out their responsibilities from a young age, they benefit.
“They feel capable. They feel trusted. They’re learning responsibility,” says Zaske. “And it’s really amazing that [American parents have] gone so far that we are inhibiting children’s ability to grow up.”

When children start early with learning the skills they need for the future, according to Zaske, they’re prepared for the future. When it comes to learning accountability with the freedom they’re given, they’re not starting from scratch in middle school or high school.

Zaske’s experience aligns with research about how restrictive parenting affects how children behave. Increased restriction of children actually decreased their ability to self-regulate their behaviors and lowered their achievement in school, according to a 2016 study published in the journal Frontiers.
Kids aren’t the only ones who benefit from the German parenting style. Zaske notes how their acceptance of daycare is beneficial for parents, especially since there is financial assistance provided.

“There is a lot less guilt,” says Zaske. “They accept it as normal, and I didn’t see the kind of anxiety that some of us expats had leaving our kids at kita, which is kind of like daycare or preschool.”
As children grow older, the benefits of this parenting philosophy change says Zaske. Things become much easier for the parent since most children are getting themselves to and from school, making themselves a snack, and hanging out at home or heading to activities while the parents wrap up their work day.

Personally, I noticed that encouraging kids to learn self-care could ultimately lessen my load. Instead of feeling like I was constantly in charge of their entertainment, dressing them, and getting them fed, I could give them the space to figure things out on their own.

German Parenting for All

No matter where you live, it is possible to embrace parenting choices that encourage your kids to figure out the world on their own. Start small, giving your kids age-appropriate tasks and freedom in small increments. As they learn about being responsible for themselves, you can increase their level of independence gradually.
“A lot of people say, ‘Well you can’t do it here,’” says Zaske. “Because Germany has a whole system that we don’t have. There are some things, of course, that we don’t have, like subsidized childcare, maternity leave, and lovely things like that. However, there are a lot of things that American parents can do to parent their kids for more self-reliance.”

Embracing German parenting can influence all parts of your family life. Zaske recommends small measures; try giving kids more responsibility at home with tasks such as requiring them to take care of keeping their laundry clean and put away. It’s also important to avoid loading up your kids’ schedules because an open schedule allows them to manage their free time on their own, and it gives them the chance to learn what kind of activities they enjoy.
Parents who are ready to make bigger steps toward the German model might consider giving their kids the opportunity to walk to places, like school or a nearby park.

“I know there can be some cultural resistance to that, but if you find your child a friend to walk with or a sibling, even the rest of your neighbors will look at that as safer,” she says.
My family is a long way from letting our kids walk to school since our kids are so young, but we are adopting some of the parenting practices outlined in Zaske’s book. My kids are getting more space and time outdoors, usually with me inside or doing yard work instead of standing over them to make sure they don’t get hurt. My two oldest are learning to make their own snacks, clean up after themselves, and take care of their personal hygiene.
These changes take some needless tasks off of my to-do list, of course. More importantly, my children are feeling proud and capable as a result of their new independence.

The size of the American family has changed over the last four decades. According to Pew Research Center, the majority of women in the 1970s were having three or more children. A good number of mothers were raising large families, with 40 percent of moms giving birth to at least four children.

For the last two decades, the American family has grown much smaller; having two children is the new normal. These days, large families are so out of the ordinary, we’ve made a spectacle out of those that break the mold. Take the Gosselins, who starred in a late-2000s reality TV show about their family of 10, or Nadya Suleman, more commonly known as the Octomom, who received international attention as the mother of 14 kids.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bc56Az2Azdy/?hl=en&taken-by=kateplusmy8
We love to watch these families from afar, but what are their experiences really like? Those who didn’t grow up in a large family know very little about the real dynamics of big family life. What’s it like parenting four or more kids? How does growing up in a busy household change the childhood experience?

Growing Up in a Large Family

In 2015, the National Bureau of Economic Research published a research review discussing how growing up in a large family affects children. The research revealed that there is a trade-off—when the quantity of children in a family increases, the quality of the experience decreases.

One of the most notable challenges the researchers found was parental involvement with children. When the family grows, it makes sense that the mother’s attention splits. Researchers also noted decreased cognitive performance in children of larger families, as well as a notable increase in behavioral challenges.
It is worth mentioning that not all research agrees on this topic. A study published in The Quarterly Journal of Economics in 2005 revealed that the negative impacts of growing up in a large family were insignificant once researchers took birth order into account or used twins in the study.

Reflecting on their experiences, many adult children raised in large families identify both negatives and positives about the family dynamic.
“…I’m the middle [child] of seven,” Rebecca Gebhardt tells HealthyWay about her family. “As a child, there was always a lot going on, there was never a ton of money … but we didn’t know any different.”
Gebhardt says it was a busy childhood, but the memory that sticks out to her is eating every meal together, even if those meals only lasted a few minutes. She says that practice brought her family together.
As for the negative impact of being the child of a large family, she says the most notable thing was the competition between siblings—a dynamic that remains today when everyone gets back together for holidays.

One of the most common remarks from adult women who grew up in a family with four or more children is that they were responsible for helping with younger siblings. Some of these women report this as a negative, saying they had less of a childhood, while others didn’t mind as much.
“I definitely helped my parents a lot around the house and with my younger siblings—especially the baby of the family—which was nice when I had kids of my own because I already had some experience with kids,” says Megan Rogers, who was the oldest of four.
Ari S. Yares, PhD, licensed psychologist and parenting coach, draws from his own experiences and his professional training to offer insight on family dynamics. Growing up, he was one of four. He now has four children of his own.
Yares believes there are many benefits to being part of a larger family, pointing out what children can learn from their experiences.

“Larger families often tend to distribute responsibilities in the house,” he says. “So you are learning additional life skills, but also, at home, you are constantly learning how to deal with other people … there are some opportunities as you move into adult life where there are things you’ve been exposed to that have the potential to give you more skills as an adult and maybe even some earlier maturation because of the home environment.”

Raising a Large Family

Due to the amount of responsibility involved, it would be easy to assume mothers raising a large family give up the most, but there isn’t much evidence to indicate that. In fact, research by Bronwyn Harman, PhD, who specializes in the study of family, found the opposite to be true, ABC Perth reported.
[pullquote align=”center”]”There are a lot more people to enjoy.”
—Jamie Dunmore, mother of four, on large families[/pullquote]
In Harman’s study, parents of families with four or more children self-reported the highest levels of resilience and self-esteem. These parents also reported having the most social support.
Raising a large family is not stress-free, but those stressors are simply overshadowed by the positive aspects.

Growing up with a big family and 7 siblings was pure chaos. But wow am I grateful to be surrounded by all the energy and love they bring 💕💕💕

— Briell Couch (@Briellcouch) June 18, 2018

“It’s a lot of fun,” says Jamie Dunmore, mother of four. “After having one, we loved it, and now have four! There are a lot more people to enjoy … they’re all playmates, they’re busy playing with each other, and they’re all really close.”
Becky Morales, mother of five, also has a lot of positive things to say about being a mother of a large family. She points out just how much she enjoys sitting down for a family dinner and celebrating holidays together.

“Our house is filled with laughter and screaming and lots of fun activities,” she says.
However, these moms don’t deny they have a difficult job. The most notable challenges these mothers report facing are all about time and how hard it is to manage their responsibilities with a limited amount of it.

Dunmore mentions the juggling act of getting kids to different sports and activities. Morales says she has to say no a lot—to helping with homework or to adding more activities to the family schedule.

Creating a Happy and Healthy Home Environment

As research and anecdotal reports seem to suggest, there are so many factors at play when determining the quality of both child and parental experiences. Having a large family doesn’t need to be the determining factor.
Instead, parents should feel they have the agency to create a happy and healthy home environment, whether they have two or six kids. Dunmore, knowing that her time is split between four children, believes it is important to spend quality time with each one.

“Sometimes, you do have to make an extra effort to make sure that everyone feels important and valued,” she says. “Because sometimes, when you have that many kids, you can get really busy, and someone can get lost in the mix.”
In her family, this means taking each of the kids for one-on-one time each month. Sometimes, this translates to something as simple as bringing one along on errands and treating them to a Starbucks beverage afterward. It is important to her and her husband that they are intentional with their time in this way.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Pay attention to your own mental and physical health and what your resilience is. When we feel zapped emotionally, we’re not available for our kids, and our relationships become that much more stressed.”
—Ari S. Yares, PhD[/pullquote]
Yares agrees that time is a finite resource for parents, suggesting they pay close attention to each child (and their different needs) individually.
“I once met with a dad who had eight kids, and I asked him how he did it,” he shares. “He said he uses his calendar, and he makes sure that, on his calendar, he is blocking off over the course of the week one-on-one time with each child.”

It is this type of intentionality Yares sees as essential in large families. He says parents concerned about the division of their time and attention should reflect on how they are using their time and then be proactive, making changes where necessary.
He also warns against assigning too much responsibility to children, encouraging parents to make sure tasks and chores are age-appropriate and respectful of each child’s needs.

Lastly, Yares says parents of large families can benefit greatly from scheduling time for themselves and their relationships to avoid burnout.
“Pay attention to your own mental and physical health and what your resilience is,” he says. “When we feel zapped emotionally, we’re not available for our kids, and our relationships become that much more stressed.”
Because of this, he encourages parents to make time for activities that they know will improve their resilience, like working out or going for a walk.

Parents of large families are faced with many responsibilities each day. By prioritizing your own self-care, you can ensure you have the energy and emotional bandwidth to care for your children well. From that place of personal health, you can intentionally act to care for each child’s need for time, attention, and unconditional love.

Nothing guarantees a dramatic, viral response quite like posting about a controversial parenting choice on social media. Parents of the internet love to share their feelings about everything from breastfeeding to wrangling rebellious teens, and a single post on Instagram is enough to create a massive response.

That’s exactly what happened when Katie Price, an English television personality and mom with 1.8 million followers on Instagram, shared pictures of her infant daughter in 2016. In the pictures, her daughter is sporting brand new earrings, and her followers had a lot to say about her choice.
One photo, captioned “Gorgeous Bunny bops,” has since received nearly 7,000 likes and numerous comments debating baby ear piercing. Some commenters went as far as to accuse Price of child abuse.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BBNc1_SyR4E/?utm_source=ig_embed
“…it’s pointless pain for what?” commented @chloeforde6. “Children should be allowed to communicate what they need…hopefully the UK will review the laws around this.”
Other users took to Price’s defense, calling baby ear piercing a normal practice and sharing their own stories of piercing their kids’ ears. One mom, posting under the username @mommajosieb, shared that her daughter’s ears were pierced at her pediatrician’s office.

Another user, @shann_fitz, shared that her mom had her ears pierced as a baby, and she said she was glad for the experience. “I can’t thank her enough because I wouldn’t have anything else pierced cause I’m scared,” she wrote.
Price isn’t the only mom to get negative attention for the choice to pierce her baby’s ears. In 2017, a video of an infant getting their ears pierced was shared on a page devoted to piercings; it received 3.6 million views and a landfill of negative comments accusing the mother of child abuse. The video has since been removed, but the controversy lives on.
Viral posts like these draw attention to a longstanding debate—are baby ear piercings a harmless practice, or are they unethical acts performed before the child can consent?

Are piercings traumatic for infants?

The main argument for those who criticize the choice to pierce an infant’s ears is that it is a traumatic experience for children. Because it is a painful experience, many believe that children should be allowed the opportunity to consent to the procedure. This means waiting until the child is older, perhaps in their teens, when they can weigh the decision themselves.
As it turns out, child development professionals are pretty split on the debate.
“The actual memory of painful procedures such as piercings may be forgotten, but that does not mean that the trauma of the event is without psychological consequences for little children,” says Elizabeth Berger, MD, the author of Raising Kids with Character, who personally believes that piercings should wait.

“This is an area which is not fully understood scientifically, but most experts feel that children should be spared pain whenever possible.”
Mayra Mendez, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist, takes a different stance. She notes that infant ear piercing has been practiced for thousands of years by some cultures, and she doesn’t see the evidence that there is any lasting trauma associated with the practice.
“Do we see long-lasting trauma effects or anything that’s notable to speak about in terms of compromising emotional regulation? I have not seen anything along those lines, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist,” she says.

Sharon Somekh, MD, a pediatrician, parenting consultant, and founder of parenting resource Raiseology.com, shares her own experience as a pediatrician who has performed many ear piercings in a medical setting.
“When piercings are done at a young age, I usually recommend between [the ages of] 4 and 9 months, the babies will not remember it,” she says. “The pain is truly limited to the moment of piercing, and within one to two minutes, babies are usually as happy as they were before.”

Somekh warns against waiting until the babies are older. After the baby is a year old, she says, they’re more active, and this makes the piercing more difficult and potentially traumatic.

What are the risks of baby ear piercing?

Piercing your baby’s ears doesn’t come without risks. No matter the age of the child, piercing comes with the risk of infection. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that parents wait until the child is old enough to care for their ears themselves, keeping them clean to avoid infection. However, given that the vast majority of piercings take place in a sterile environment, Somekh cites the risk of infection as minimal.

The development of keloids (the round, solid scars that sometimes develop on earlobes) is also a risk associated with piercing, though they’re most common between the ages of 10 and 20. People who are prone to keloids should avoid piercing their child’s ears, according to John Hopkins Medicine, but if this isn’t an option, they should do it before the child turns 11.

I treat a lot of keloid scars after ear piercing, yet patients are not warned of the risk. Be aware, especially if you have keloids already.

— Jonathan Staiano (@DrJJStaiano) February 27, 2011

There is also a risk of an allergic reaction. Sensitivity to metals commonly used in earrings, like nickel, are fairly common, according to the Mayo Clinic. Typically, a nickel allergy is characterized by a rash, itching, and blisters.

The Societal Stigma

Infant ear piercings have a long history of stirring up controversy on and offline.
In 2015, a petition in the United Kingdom gained serious traction. Petition creator Susan Ingram addressed her plea to the UK’s Minister for Children, calling piercing an infant or toddler’s ears “a form of child cruelty.” Although the petition hasn’t resulted in action, it is still being signed and has reached 86,664 signatures since it was first posted online.

Controversy also occurs on a local, social level. Parents might get pushback from their family or, like mom Jessica Zeehandelar, they might be criticized by their friends or support systems.
“I had my daughter’s ears pierced once she turned four months old,” she tells HealthyWay, explaining that she chose that age because she knew her baby wouldn’t be able to tug on her earrings. She wanted to be in control of keeping them clean and free of infection.
As she expected, it was a low-drama event. Her daughter cried for less than 30 seconds and still has healthy piercings two years later. What did surprise her was the pushback she received from her online breastfeeding support group.
https://twitter.com/mercedesteresa_/status/959609156540993536
“I had no idea this was such a controversial subject,” she continues. “There were women who were outraged at the mere thought of piercing a baby’s ears. Many of those women claimed that this is the body of the baby, I shouldn’t be making these decisions for her, I should wait until she is older and can decide for herself.”
Despite the criticism, Zeehandelar is happy with her choice and is certain she would make the same choice again if she were to add another girl to her family.

Piercing Tradition

Another aspect worth noting is that baby ear piercing is often a cultural practice. For most parents, this isn’t a choice they make on a whim. Instead, they are honoring a longstanding tradition.
“[Infant ear piercing] is very much culturally informed,” says Mendez, “and we need to respect the cultural boundaries of the family.”

I'm half Mexican, ear piercing on a baby girl is mandatory at like 3 weeks old. At 7 you're wearing gold hoops.

— BRI LUNA (@YungKundalini) July 2, 2014

“It’s such a Latin thing,” Karla Martinez de Salas told Patricia Garcia of Vogue. “In the U.S., it’s more of a coming-of-age thing. But in Mexico, it’s just like, you’re a girl, your ears get pierced in the hospital.”

Infant ear piercing is common in Latin American countries in general, Garcia wrote. Her ears were pierced when she was a few days old, a common practice in her native country of Venezuela.
Nadra Nittle, an African American who has had her ears pierced since she was an infant, wrote for Racked that ear piercing is common for girls of color. In her family, it is a practice that extends back many generations.

Keeping Little Lobes Safe

For parents who do decide to have their baby’s ears pierced, safety should be the primary concern. There are risks associated with the practice, but they can be mitigated when parents are educated on safe piercing and upkeep of the piercings.

“For the most part, if we look at cultures that actually do practice baby ear piercing as early as within those first weeks, two weeks of birth, the conditions just need to be right,” says Mendez.
Like any piercing, infant ear piercing should be done by a trained piercer in a sterile and sanitized environment. After the initial piercing, parents should clean the piercings twice a day—the Mayo Clinic recommends using soap and water, while the American Academy of Dermatology (AAD) recommends using an isopropyl-dipped cotton ball or swab. Before touching the piercings—some experts, like those at the AAD, recommend twisting the earrings a few times a day to keep the hole intact—parents should always wash their hands.
One additional note: Should you decide to pierce your infant’s ears, go to a professional. Make sure they don’t use a piercing gun (they aren’t recommended by the Association of Professional Piercers for a number of reasons, ranging from the fact that they can’t be completely sterilized to the fact that they can cause blunt force trauma to surrounding tissues), and instead ensure the piercer uses sterile hollow needles.
https://twitter.com/miyataem/status/962173091672707074
In Mendez’s professional opinion, avoiding trauma associated with piercings is all about the diligence of keeping it clean. If the piercing becomes infected, the baby can experience lasting pain and discomfort, and this is much more serious than the initial pain associated with the piercing.

“If the parent doesn’t take care of it, then we complicate the matter,” she says. “But the procedure in and of itself … it’s forgettable. It doesn’t really last as a traumatic memory.”
Ultimately, this is an individual decision. Parents can and should be trusted to weigh the risks of practices like baby ear piercing, making the decision they believe is in the best interest of their child.

“Childcare costs changed everything,” Lacy Stroessner, mom of three, tells HealthyWay.
Before having children, Stroessner was a teacher. After the birth of her first child, she continued working. It was the arrival of her second child that made it clear her family’s lifestyle wasn’t sustainable. She realized it no longer made sense for her to continue to work.
“Even with a few years of experience and a master’s degree, you can’t exactly afford to live on a teacher’s salary,” she says.

Adding the expense of childcare for two children pushed their budget beyond its limit. Money wasn’t just tight anymore—they literally would not be able to pay their bills. Her salary was less than what her family would be spending on childcare. Stroessner left her job, started freelancing, and stayed home with her two young daughters. She assumed she’d return to work once they were in school, but now she is learning that, with the cost of after-school care, it still makes the most sense for her to stay home.
If Stroessner’s story sounds familiar, that’s because it is incredibly common. Bring up childcare costs in a room full of parents and you’re sure to be met with groans (and maybe even a few tears). My own childcare story is one of working weekends and overnights to circumvent childcare expenses before eventually transitioning to working from home full-time.
https://twitter.com/HoneysIsh/status/1000050840592412672
Childcare is expensive—at least, that’s the general consensus. When you look at it objectively, gathering the cold, hard numbers and stripping them down to the nuts and bolts of expenses, are the costs unreasonable? What other costs are associated with the economics of childcare? Here’s what we found out.

How much does childcare cost?

The cost of childcare varies greatly depending on where the care is being provided, the age of the child, and who is providing the care. For instance, the average cost of infant care is much higher than care for a toddler or school-age child, according to the Parents and the High Cost of Child Care Report by Child Care Aware. Care in a daycare center has a higher price tag than an in-home daycare center.

The average annual cost of care is $8,634, with infant care costing closer to five figures. This is a number that only takes into consideration care provided by daycare centers or in-home daycare providers. It doesn’t account for private nannies, who come at a much higher cost. The annual average cost of a nanny is $28,905, according to a Cost of Care survey by Care.com.

There is much variation in the cost of childcare, though, depending on where you live. For instance, in 2016, the average annual cost of care for an infant was $20,125 in a daycare center in Massachusetts. On the opposite end of the spectrum is North Dakota, one of the most affordable places to pay for care, where the average cost of daycare falls between $6,000 and $8,000 each year.

What factors impact childcare?

Because of the high cost of daycare, it might be easy to assume that the daycare industry is a profitable one or that the costs are unreasonable. That actually isn’t the case. Providing daycare is a costly endeavor. Due to the various legal regulations for the size of the building and labor, daycare centers spend a lot of money simply doing the bare minimum needed to provide good care and keep their business running.

First, daycare centers have to deal with rent. From state to state, there are regulations that dictate how much square footage each center has to obtain per child they plan to enroll. And, depending on where the daycare center is located, the cost of rent is higher. It follows a logical trend—in regions with a higher cost of living, rent is higher for daycare centers.
“Rent is a huge cost in areas such as Hoboken, New York City, or the Washington D.C. area,” explains Holly Flanders, founder and CEO of Choice Parenting, an organization that assists parents in the New York area with finding care.
Flanders also points out that although rent is expensive, it is not the biggest cost of running a daycare center. The reality is that it is payroll that accounts for the vast majority of day care expenses.

It makes sense when you take into consideration that, in order to be licensed in your state, there are specific teacher-to-child ratios that have to be upheld. Although there is some variation from state to state, most states require a 1:3 teacher-to-child ratio for very young infants. As the age of the children in care increases, the ratios become less constraining. This explains why infant care costs parents so much more.
https://twitter.com/Amazingrocio/status/629451750785703936
For this reason, labor expense accounts for as much as 80 percent of most daycare budgets, according to a report by Child Care, Inc. And, as reported by The Atlantic, these caretakers still aren’t walking away with a large check. In fact, many daycare workers are struggling to live on the salary provided by their jobs.

At most daycare centers, tuition cost is in line with their expenses. It may be expensive, but it isn’t unreasonable.
However, that doesn’t mean it’s affordable for the families in need of care. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has determined that affordable childcare is qualified as any care that makes up 7 percent or less of the family’s total income. For families like Stroessner’s, the actual cost of care would have eaten up the entire income of one of the working parents. It may have been what the care provider needed to charge to make ends meet, but it wasn’t affordable for her family.

Parents and the Cost of Care

There is another cost associated with unaffordable daycare expense—childcare often costs mothers the most. As The Atlantic reports, highly educated moms are jumping from being career women to staying at home for a variety of reasons. One of the most evident is that the cost of childcare is extremely high, meaning it can be unreasonable to pay for it, even on a two-income budget.
[pullquote align=”center”]“As we are calculating expenses, our childcare cost has careened past our mortgage payment.”
—Danielle Butler, mom of two[/pullquote]
Although she enjoys being home with her children, Stroessner still had to let go of a career she loved.
https://twitter.com/jadeleshayy/status/1000066020952899586
For Danielle Butler, a mom of two from Atlanta who is just returning to work, the cost of care of created so much stress she found herself questioning if she should work at all.
“As we are calculating expenses, our childcare cost has careened past our mortgage payment,” she writes in an email to HealthyWay. “Looking into the next school year, we could potentially see our childcare expenses soaring beyond double our mortgage. Even typing it now, it looks outrageous and I’m feeling the knot in my shoulder.”

She considered staying home. She even worked from home for a time after her youngest was born, but it simply didn’t work. She speaks of juggling conference calls while trying to keep a baby happy or a toddler out of danger. We connect when we discuss how working-from-home isn’t the “best of both worlds” like it is made out to be. Mothers are stressed with a double workload. It’s nearly impossible to be a good mom and good employee at the same time. It’s too much.
For Butler, the decision to go back to work was about the meeting the needs of both her family and herself, even if it meant stomaching unaffordable care.

“It allows both mom and dad the opportunity to work full-time to cover other life expenses,” she says. “It also gives parents a reprieve from being stuck in parent mode while simultaneously increasing the children’s social skills.”

Creatively Approaching the Cost of Care

If we’re being perfectly honest, there is no easy solution to childcare cost. Daycare centers need to cover their expenses, and many parents want or need to work. Mothers want to continue to pursue their careers. Household expenses dictate that both parents work, even if it means spending a huge percentage of their income on childcare.

Flanders suggests that parents concerned with the cost of care might find more affordable options outside of the city.
“There are other daycares that are a little further out of the way,” she says. “They may not come with all of the bells and the whistles, but they are still required to follow state guidelines. They have the same kind of teacher ratios, the same kind of standards and requirements.”
Flanders is quick to point out that it is the teachers, not the “bells and whistles” like organic foods and webcam monitoring, that make a difference to the children. Attentive and caring daycare employees are most beneficial to kids. In her experience, the standard of care is very similar between high-cost and more affordable daycare options.

Our family chose unconventional schedules, with me often working nights and weekends to keep childcare expenses minimal. A friend of mine negotiated an arrangement that allows her to work one to two days from home, spending the other three days in the office.
Small families can use nanny sharing, splitting the cost of one nanny across two families. A friend of mine who works from home has used childcare swaps to keep care affordable, helping a friend with her kids occasionally and then that friend returns the favor. It is possible to creatively approach the cost of childcare, although we admit that there is no perfect solution.