Category: Mindful Parenting

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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Mommy Beware: 11 Secretly Dangerous Baby Products

Feeling anxious about welcoming your baby? You’re certainly not alone. But before you run out to buy the latest, greatest, and most expensive products for your newborn, be sure to do your research.


“When I was pregnant, I was both surprised and alarmed to find that many products marketed for babies are actually quite dangerous,” says Kelsey Allan of home safety resource SafeWise. We spoke with Allan to find out how to properly vet children’s products—and which products to avoid entirely.  We learned some pretty surprising stuff.

For instance…

1. Bumbo Seats require some oversight.

“No doubt that the Bumbo is appealing to many families,” Allan says. “I know my own daughter would love the Bumbo far more than her restrictive high chair.”
The Bumbo helps babies sit up for mealtime and playtime, and when used properly, they’re safe. However, some models can tip over fairly easily, and many physical therapists dislike the Bumbo Seat’s original design (at least for long-term use).

The original version of the Bumbo seat didn’t keep babies restrained, and it was voluntarily recalled in 2007. Newer versions of the product have a strap to keep your baby in place, but the strap can’t keep the entire Bumbo from falling over with baby still inside. A Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) safety alert cited at least 80 occurrences of babies falling out of their Bumbo seats since the 2007 recall; at least 50 of those falls came when the Bumbo was on an elevated surface, and 21 of the falls caused skull fractures.
Bumbo’s website specifically notes that the seats are designed to be used on the floor—not as a replacement for the high chair. If your child loves the Bumbo seat, make sure to read the instructions carefully and never let your child play in it without supervision.

2. “Jumpers” have a few unexpected dangers.

Although babies may love them, doorway jumpers can put them in serious jeopardy, as improperly secured jumpers can easily cause injury.
Walker-jumpers are not necessarily any safer. After 29,000 jumpers were recalled in 2005, the CPSC issued a notice banning certain walkers that “[have] any exposed parts capable of causing [injury].” The full notice goes into more detail about the types of potential injuries, but we’ll leave the gloom-and-doom stuff out of this article.

That’s not the only reason to limit jumper time.


“In addition to the possibility of head or bodily injuries if a jumper breaks, even when they work properly, they can stunt your baby’s development,” says Allan. “Your child may not be exercising the right kinds of muscles to learn how to walk and may also adopt a different posture if they spend too much time in a jumper.”
Rady Children’s Hospital in San Diego notes this as a potential issue, as jumpers “promote movement patterns that are not necessarily useful in normal development, including tiptoe standing and fast, uncontrolled movement.”

3. Sleep positioners can be dangerous.

Ironically, this product is supposed to keep your infant safe as they sleep. Instead, babies can find themselves buried face-first in the foam sides. From 1997–2010, the CPSC identified 12 fatal incidents resulting from infants using sleep positioners.
Parents may use sleep positioners because of the recommendation from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) to put babies on their backs to sleep. However, the AAP also notes that babies can safely roll over or move on their own. Typically, kids don’t need much help to sleep properly, and foam positioners may do more harm than good.


If you’re concerned about your child’s sleep habits, speak to your pediatrician to discuss options. In fact, that’s a good rule of thumb for anything on this list—if something we’ve written doesn’t vibe with your parental intuition, speak to a medical professional.  

4. Car seat toys are okay, but keep this in mind…

Car seat toys may seem like a great way to keep your child entertained, and during longer trips, that’s no small task.
However, safety organization Car Seats for the Littles (CSFTL) recommends only using the car seat toys that come with your baby’s car seat. Car seat manufacturers crash test their seats, and they test them with their toys attached.

Because toys from third parties aren’t tested, there’s no way to guarantee that they would stay attached in a car accident. Third-party toys aren’t regulated, so even if they have labels that say things like “crash-tested,” there is to know that “anything that doesn’t come with the seat will change how it performs during a crash,” reads the CSFTL piece.
If your child insists on an outside toy, make sure they are soft and lightweight.

5. Bath seats don’t necessarily make bath time safer.

“Bath seats [should be] considered bathing aids rather than safety devices,” says Allan.
While bath seats are perfectly safe when used with adult supervision, they may delude parents into leaving their infants unattended in the bath. The product can easily fall over with the baby inside.

Tragically, the CPSC reported 174 fatal incidents and 300 accidents associated with bath seats product between 1983 and 2009. Again, they’re safe with supervision, but that’s an important distinction: No matter how you bathe your child, never leave them by themselves.

6. Co-sleepers, at the moment, are a bad idea.

Mothers around the world have slept with their babies for generations, but that doesn’t necessarily make the practice safe. Bed-sharing can be dangerous, even when using co-sleeping devices, which often use foam fillers (a suffocation risk).


The flimsy foam sides also cannot withstand the weight of a full-grown adult, so they don’t always protect babies. For now, the AAP recommends putting your baby in a four-sided crib with a fitted mattress. While parents can sleep in the same room as their babies, they shouldn’t share a sleeping surface.

7. Crib bumpers seem like a safety feature, but…

Crib bumpers have been popular among parents who have concerns about hard crib bars.

“Bumpers are intended to keep your baby from getting their little limbs stuck between the rails of a crib,” Allan tells HealthyWay. But crib bumpers often do more harm than good.
“In reality, [the bumpers] could lead to suffocation or strangulation,” Allan says.

Many parenting classes warn people about the dangers they pose, and the AAP advises parents not to use them. Some states, including Maryland, have banned crib bumpers outright.
“A safer alternative is a mesh liner that allows breathability and still prevents limbs from getting stuck,” says Allan.
To be safe, though, it’s best to follow the aforementioned AAP guidelines: Put your baby to sleep in a crib with a tightly fitted sheet.

8. Walkers might be popular, but they have serious drawbacks.

A few decades ago, most babies spent at least some time in their walkers. They seem helpful, right?  
“Baby walkers may seem like a great way to get your baby moving faster. But they actually can slow your child’s development,” says Allan. Children can rely too heavily on the walker, which can inhibit their ability to learn to walk.
They’re also potentially dangerous. After a number of reported cases of children falling down stairs while using walkers, the AAP began calling for a ban on the product. The CPSC has estimated that 4,000 children were injured in walkers in 2010 alone.

A better option for your child is a stationary activity center. These products resemble walkers, but children can only spin around in place. Just make sure that the moving parts don’t present a risk for tiny fingers and hands.

9. Drop-side cribs aren’t worth the convenience.

“In theory, a drop-side crib may seem convenient,” Allan says. “Constantly bending over the side of your baby’s crib can definitely be hard on your back. However, dropside rails can easily come loose, causing your baby to get stuck or fall out and suffer serious injury.”
Drop-side cribs have been responsible for 32 infant fatalities since the year 2000. Millions of these cribs were recalled before the CPSC banned them in 2011.

CSPC

If you’re still using a drop-side crib, purchase a newer crib with fixed sides. If you get a used crib, choose one made after June 2011, which is when the stricter standards were put in place.

10. Crib tents pose several serious risks.

“These seem like a good idea when you have a toddler escape artist in the family, but your child could get stuck or strangled in a crib tent—and then the tents can be hard to detach quickly enough in a dangerous situation,” says Allan.

Parents use crib tents to keep their babies from climbing out or to protect infants from bugs and curious pets.

Medium Italic

Again, convenience doesn’t mean much if the product isn’t safe, and crib tents are not safe. Infants and toddlers can get caught in the fabric, which a multitude of injury risks. Some crib tents can also collapse.
“If your child keeps climbing out of the crib, think about transitioning to a toddler bed instead,” Allan suggests.

11. When using changing tables, be careful.

According to Consumer Reports, an estimated 3,000 babies are injured per year in changing table accidents.
Believe us, we get it; you’re not going to stop using changing tables. We’re not going to try to talk you out of it—just exercise some caution.

Whenever you can, use a changing table with four sides. Tables with fewer barriers should have contoured changing pads, which help to keep your baby in place.

Oh, and if your table has a strap, use it. You probably can’t avoid looking away from time to time while changing your baby, but if you take the proper precautions, you won’t have to worry.

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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Monkey See, Monkey Do: How To Set A Good Example For Your Kids

When my sister was little, my mother had a particularly foul-mouthed friend. One day, the two women and their two kids were in the car, trying to park on a busy street. The other mom was having a really hard time of it.
Her 3-year-old yelled out from the back seat, “Just park the f***ing car, Mom!”
Cue instant embarrassment.
Don’t worry if you’ve been there—what mom hasn’t? From the mouths of babes tumble forth swear words, insults, and even tales of bodily functions meant to be kept secret.
“I think most children learn to swear in the car, because almost all of us have done it and there’s so much at stake!” says Barbara Kaiser, early childhood consultant, trainer, and co-author of Challenging Behavior in Young Children: Understanding, Preventing and Responding Effectively.
So how do we stop our kids from mimicking our bad behavior? And more importantly, how do we set a good example?

How do kids really learn?

“Babies imitate everything we do,” explains Kaiser. “I was chewing gum recently while playing with my grandson and he was making funny faces with his mouth and I realized he was copying me!”
Kids take in the world through imitation, Kaiser says, and actions speak much louder than words. “They are much more attuned to what you do than to what you say. Research shows that 85 to 90 percent of your message is not what you say but how you say it.” (Want to see a clear example of this? Watch this.) Children are very tuned in to our facial expressions and body language.
“There is nothing more profound than telling kids what to do and then not doing it yourself,” Kaiser says. “You lose trust. They don’t believe you.”
Does this sound familiar? Two siblings are yelling at each other. In order to calm the chaos, you interfere…by yelling “Don’t yell at your sister!” How are they learning to resolve the conflict?
Modeling good citizenship (as opposed to, say, money management skills) needs to start early—like, at birth. Once a child turns 10, it’s a little late to say, “Okay! Time to be a good person!”
Here are three keys points to keep in mind:

1. Treat others the way … you want your kid to treat others.

Although every person is wired differently, it is unrealistic to expect your child to be a loving, considerate, empathetic person if you do not model those behaviors for them. It isn’t enough to say, “Be nice!” or “Listen!” and not do it yourself. A child may not know what exactly those directives mean.
Rather than simply saying “Be kind to others,” do something. Help your spouse around the house, which teaches your kid about teamwork. Pick up garbage and teach them to recycle and compost, which teaches care for the world. Volunteer with your kid. Take food to a sick friend. Speak kindly to others everywhere you go. It is only when a child sees the behavior modeled that she knows every instance in which treating others well and engaging appropriately is possible.
This is particularly important when it comes to fighting gender stereotypes. When my parents come to visit, my father does all the cooking. My daughter declared one day, “Grandpas cook!” No one had told her this. She had simply seen it in action. (This is much better than all the “We are all equal!” declarations in the world that aren’t backed up by much.) To see it is to believe it.

2. Don’t just tell them how to resolve conflicts. Show them how.

There’s a striking moment In Jancee Dunn’s bestselling book, How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids. Dunn admits to having a temper, and in the middle of a couples therapy session, the counselor tells her that when she’s screaming at her husband, her 6-year-old daughter thinks she’s yelling at her. A child often cannot distinguish between the two. They hear yelling and it scares them.
It is vital that our children learn how to resolve conflict by means other than screaming, hitting, or storming out. They also need to learn that simply saying sorry usually isn’t enough to resolve a conflict or mend hurt feelings.
A better way to model conflict resolution is to talk it out and show affection and understanding. This is not to say that you should resolve your marital conflicts in front of your kids! But it is okay for kids to witness conflict—it’s a natural part of being in a relationship, and kids should understand that. What’s not okay is allowing the behavior to spiral out of control with no resolution.

3. Remember: They can hear you.

Actions speak louder than words—especially when kids are really little—but kids are always picking up language. This is sometimes hard to register, especially after you’ve repeated “Put on your shoes” for the 8,000th time, but they are taking in everything you’re saying, whether they’re responding to it the way you wish they would or not.
This doesn’t just apply to swearing but all language—how you talk to your spouse, your friends, the people at the grocery store, on the phone. (In fact, they pick up on tone much more than the actual words.) This doesn’t mean you should suddenly go silent, but be aware that there’s a little brain soaking up your every word, so think before you add a four letter word or particularly biting tone to your vocalizations of exasperated thought.

Need a few practical tips?

Want to limit screen time? Limit your own.

Most of us set rules around our children’s screen time—but do we limit our own device usage in their presence? “What is quality time?” Kaiser asks. “It doesn’t mean standing next to your child on your phone. Are you really spending quality time with your child?”
This is perfect example of monkey see, monkey do. Why should they limit the time they spend on the iPad when their mom’s face is glued to her phone all day?

Don’t clean up after them.

This one can begin very early. Do not get into the habit of letting your kids make messes that you fix or clean up for them. You know those wonderful songs preschool teachers sing? “Clean up! Clean up! Everybody everywhere. Clean up! Clean up! Everybody do your share”? This isn’t just for school.
All the rules that apply in public should apply at home: Teach him to clear his plate, to put away her clothes, and clean up their Legos. With young kids, framing it as a race often makes it a fun game (“I bet I can put away more Legos than you!”).
Keep this in mind: Kids who don’t clean up after themselves at 4 don’t miraculously start doing it at 14.

Teach them the value of money early.

This year for Hanukkah, my husband and I gave our daughter $20 to spend however she wanted. She chose to go to a dance supply store and buy herself a leotard. Of course she wanted everything in the store, so she had to budget, which meant finding a leotard that was on sale and choosing accessories that didn’t send her over her limit. She was thrilled to find what she wanted, and the process of making decisions about what she could or couldn’t afford—and therefore pinpointing what she really wanted—was empowering and educational.

Cook (and garden, paint, and repair the house) together.

How does anything get done around the house? From cooking dinner every night to mowing the lawn on the weekend to repairing leaks in the roof, a parent is usually taking care of business around the home. Rather than shipping the kids off with an iPad, integrate them into the process.
Invite a little one to sit on the counter while you cook (they can rip off mushroom stems or measure and pour); ask for an assistant to help with a repair. This teaches them how a family keeps a household going, and proves they are vital members of the team.

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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

More Than Just A Tantrum: Signs Your Child Is A Highly Sensitive Person

A kindergartener with an infectious smile and a big personality, Bella often has meltdowns over seemingly little things, like the tags in her shirt or combing her hair.
Her mom, Gail, has heard it all.
She’s just spoiled!
Don’t worry, this is just a phase.
But Bella is not spoiled, and she’s not just going through a phase. Bella is a highly sensitive person. As an infant, she was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder (SPD), a neurological condition that results in an inability to process certain sensory information correctly.
According to the Star Institute for Sensory Processing Disorder, as many as one in 20 people may be affected by SPD or be considered a highly sensitive person.
Garland noticed something was different about Bella when she was about two months old.
“She was inconsolable, she didn’t fancy anything as most babies do such as a bouncy seat, a play mat, or toys. She constantly sniffed everything. She screamed every time I changed her like she had never been through it before.”
Christy Watson, whose daughter Lucy has also been diagnosed with SPD, vividly remembers the moment she realized Lucy needed treatment.
“Lucy was particularly bothered by her brother Emmett’s shrill newborn crying and would cover her ears and scream whenever he would cry.”
She says she was in the kitchen making lunch one day when Emmett started to cry. “Only a minute passed between the time he began crying and the point when I walked back into the family room. Lucy had taken a pillow from the sofa and had it placed over Emmett’s head in an attempt to get him to stop crying.”
“Highly sensitive children have debilitating aversions to light, noise, pressure,” says Michelle Collis, a North Carolina-based speech language pathologist. “Tags and seams can cause light pressure and touch, lights can be too bright, and a small buzzing from a fluorescent light [can seem] so loud the person cannot function.”
That’s because a highly sensitive person, like a child diagnosed with sensory processing disorders, can’t tune out stimuli, and processing literally everything at once can be completely overwhelming.
Because sensory processing disorder is not currently a recognized condition in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, the diagnostic guide used by most mental health professionals, kids with SPD are often misdiagnosed with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), autism, anxiety, or obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD).
Still, Lucy Jane Miller, PhD, OTR, and author of Sensational Kids: Hope and Help for Kids With Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), believes that SPD is a distinct condition.
In a 2012 study Miller and her colleagues determined that while ADHD and sensory modulation disorder (SMD)—a specific type of SPD—share similarities, children diagnosed with SMD had more sensory complaints than those diagnosed with ADHD, leading Miller to determine that ADHD and SPD are distinct diagnoses.

So how do you know if your child is a highly sensitive person with sensory processing disorder?

“Tantrums for no apparent reason, eyes closed or squinted, or even turning the head and looking from the side of the eye are all markers of a child with SPD,” says Collis. “Kids with SPD may also cover their ears with their hands or tense their shoulders in response to noisy stimulus.”
An obsessive preference for a few items of clothing or demanding to wear the same shirt every day is another indicator that your child may have a sensory processing sensitivity. A highly sensitive child with SPD will get easily distracted by an itchy seam or tag in their clothing. The offending item of clothing will be all they can focus on until it is removed.
“Sensory seeking children may enjoy  banging items, climbing, and hanging upside down from furniture,” says Collis. “In addition, a child with SPD can exhibit a constant need to be leaning, hugging, or touching another person.”
It might seem like your child is acting out or misbehaving, but really, they may just be trying to process sensory information. When your child clings to you after a meltdown, they’re clinging to their constant—a parent or loved one—in an effort to calm down after sensory overload.

I think my child has a sensory processing sensitivity. What now?

“I battled [SPD] for five years alone,” says Garland. “If you suspect your child has a sensory processing sensitivity, please do not do that. Go find the resources that your child needs.”
As a parent, you may not be sure where to start if you think your child may have a sensory processing disorder.
Elaine Aron, PhD, is a leading psychologist in the field of sensitivity and sensory processing disorders. If you suspect your child has SPD, Aron suggests filling out her free online questionnaire. If you answer yes to 13 or more questions, it may be worth getting your child tested for sensory processing sensitivities.
If you only answer yes to one or two of the questions on Aron’s questionnaire, your child may be highly sensitive, and could still benefit from certain treatments. Either way, Aron stresses that the questionnaire is not a diagnosis. Rather, it is a tool to help parents who may be at a loss with their child’s behavior determine if something like SPD may be part of the equation.
If you believe your child may have SPD, an occupational therapist trained in sensory issues can test your child for sensory processing sensitivities.
A diagnosis can often provide relief for both parents and children.
“I just thought I was a bad mom,” says Garland. “It was very hard to understand sensory processing because no one I knew had a child with any issues.”
But a diagnosis gave Garland and her daughter a path forward.
Watson says that pre-diagnosis, it was difficult to bond with her infant daughter, and she carries a lot of guilt because she didn’t initially understand SPD.
“Toddlers are moody and angry a fair number of times in a day, but Lucy was convulsing with rage, screeching at the top of her lungs, and dropping tiny bows more often than she was happy from about age 1 to 4. I realize now that this was because she would become so overstimulated, and she did not have the language skills to communicate her needs to us.”
Watson goes on to say, “It was hard to take and, truthfully, kept me from fully bonding with her for a long time. I know that sounds terrible, but it is inordinately more difficult to develop a healthy relationship with a child who is constantly screaming and unhappy than it is to bond to a calm, loving, and content baby.”
After Lucy’s diagnosis shortly before age five, Watson says she can now look back and clearly see the signs that Lucy had sensory processing issues, but even with testing, struggled to get help.
“She was much more irritable and discontented that most babies, and as a toddler she would melt down almost constantly. It was exhausting. Her speech was delayed, and I had her evaluated twice between the ages of 1 and 3, and each time, I was told that she was on the low end of normal and didn’t qualify for services. I still feel like she needs speech therapy but because she is on the fringe of that normal range, she is still not eligible for certain services.”
Because sensory processing disorders are not officially recognized medical conditions, it is hard to get kids with SPD the therapy they may need.
Garland, who lives in rural North Carolina, says getting Bella in-school services and treatment has been especially difficult.
“Living in this rural area even in public school the amount of help she can get is limited,” says Garland. “Her teacher is not familiar with sensory disorder nor is her dentist or the fill-in doctor we are using since ours left.”
Both Watson and Garland agree that parents of highly sensitive kids have to be advocates for their children.
“Early intervention is key!” says Watson. “If you suspect there is a problem, go to the doctor! If the doctor doesn’t listen to you, get a new doctor. You know your child better than anyone.”

Highly sensitive kids benefit from occupational therapy.

“Occupational therapy made Lucy a different child,” says Watson.
While the first few weeks of Lucy’s occupational therapy were hard, Watson says she began to notice a change after about six weeks of therapy.
“Her behavior improved dramatically, her fine motor skills, her gross motor skills, her auditory and tactile sensitivity—everything—everything continually improved,” says Watson. “After a year of OT and counseling, she had improved so much that she no longer qualified for services!”
In addition to occupational therapy, there are some things parents can do at home to help highly sensitive kids process sensory information.
“Blue or red cloths can be placed over fluorescent lights at work or school to decrease bright light,” says Collis.  “Seamless clothing is hard to find, but Target has a new kids’ line for sensory sensitive children. If a preferred clothing has been found, parents often buy multiples of the item. I have children who wear headphones at school and public places to decrease outside noise.”
During a sensory overload, a child’s ability to process language can decrease dramatically. A child with SPD may not be able to communicate what’s wrong, which leads to further frustration. Collis says picture cues can be helpful communication tools for kids with SPD.
“I have even used written sentences for readers,” says Collis. “During a ‘meltdown’ language should be used to reassure and tell the child what behavior to do: ‘I will use my earphones when it is too noisy.’  ‘My earphones help the noise go away.’ ‘I will keep my hands to myself.’”
It can be incredibly frustrating to parent a highly sensitive kid or a child with an SPD diagnosis, but Garland says watching Bella grow and learn has been the most rewarding experience of her life.
“Mothering a child with sensory issues is hard,” says Garland. “I have cried. I have prayed. I have at times given up and at times I have been so proud I felt like my heart might burst.”

I’m an adult. Can I be a highly sensitive person?

Short answer? Yes. While sensory processing disorder is becoming a more accepted diagnosis, many highly sensitive people have been misdiagnosed with OCD, ADHD, or even anxiety.
Writing this article has actually opened my eyes to my own struggle with being a highly sensitive person. As a kid, I was always labeled “a handful.” I made good grades, but I struggled to stay in my seat or be quiet. I get what I call “overstimulated” easily, even as an adult.
I’m extremely outgoing, but if I’m at a loud party with lots of people, I get easily overwhelmed. When that happens, I have to remove myself from the situation and find a calm, quiet space or a meltdown is inevitable.
According to Aron’s adult questionnaire, this is actually common for highly sensitive people. Aron also says that it is a common misconception that women, children, and self-described introverts are the only individuals who can be highly sensitive.
According to information on Aron’s website, “We know that as many males as females are born [highly sensitive], although they obviously will be different in many ways because of their gender and how their family and culture has viewed their sensitivity.”
Aron goes on to explain that men typically score lower on the self test, which she believes is because men begin to sense their own vulnerabilities and may not answer their self-evaluations honestly.
In addition, the majority of highly sensitive people are introverted, but that still leaves a large percentage of extraverted individuals who are also highly sensitive. If you are extremely outgoing but need lots of downtime, Aron says you may be a highly sensitive person.
Unfortunately, treatment for highly sensitive adults has been lacking. According to Sarah Schoen, PhD, Director of Research at the STAR Institute for SPD, “We know that children don’t grow out of sensory processing disorder and many do not receive the necessary treatment when they are children, meaning symptoms persist into adulthood. Additionally, there are many adults who have been misdiagnosed and are just beginning to become aware of their sensory processing issues.”

The good news?

Treatment options for adults with SPD are growing. Working with an occupational therapist is still the best treatment option, even for adults, says Schoen. But it’s not always easy to make time for a lengthy therapy appointment when you barely have time for a grocery store run.
“That’s why our occupational therapists started to create educational content for adults that can be accessed from home,” says Schoen of the STAR Institute’s resources. “Many of the adults we treat say they have been misdiagnosed with a mental health condition or illness and have unnecessarily been taking medication. An important part of their treatment is to understand their sensory issues and differences so that they can participate in a program that includes the introduction of a sensory lifestyle with modifications to their daily life, alterations to their environment, and self-advocacy.”
Most importantly, know that you are not alone. If you suspect that you or your child is highly sensitive, there are online resources, like Aron’s website or SPDStar.org that can inspire your first steps toward treatment.
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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

How To Give Your Kids Self-Esteem For A Lifetime

There’s a YouTube video that I watch when I need a self-esteem boost. I know I can’t be alone. More than 19 million people have watched the video of 4-year-old Jessica giving herself a pep talk in a mirror since it was uploaded to the video site in 2009.
It’s hard to say exactly why a little girl’s “Daily Affirmation” video went viral, but I have one theory: This towheaded toddler brimming with confidence and self-love is video proof for all parents that we can do it. We can raise kids who ooze self-esteem, who are bright and funny and full of life, and who love themselves exactly the way they are.
If you’re nodding along, welcome to every parent’s fondest hope: That we can imbue our kids with the tools to feel good about themselves, their bodies, and their abilities.
There is no magic elixir, but there are some expert-backed tips to help get our kids there.

What is it, anyway?

Self-esteem can often go along with self-respect—having regard for oneself and one’s abilities, so it’s no surprise that developing that confidence in yourself is an important part of development for kids. It helps them grow emotionally, giving them the tools they need to take charge of their academics and later their work and personal lives.  
[pullquote align=”center”]“If a child feels that they had choice, control, and an active part in their success, their confidence and self-esteem grow.”  
—Christina Grosso[/pullquote]
And developing it starts earlier than you might think—as early as birth, says Christina Grosso, director of trauma services and training for the Jewish Board of Family and Children’s Services in New York City. How we interact and satisfy the needs of our infants helps them make sense of the world and their place in it, playing a role in how they feel about themselves.
“As children move through their toddler and preschool years, their confidence is impacted by how those around them accept their successes and challenges and help them develop problem-solving skills,” Grosso says. “If a child feels that they had choice, control, and an active part in their success, their confidence and self-esteem grow.”  
By the time children reach the age of 5, self-esteem levels are firmly established, enough to be measured.
But when your 4-year-old is whining, “I caaaaaaaaaaaan’t” after you’ve asked him to put on his own socks, or your 7-year-old is insisting she will “never” understand the multiplication tables, it’s natural to wonder: Am I doing this right? Does my kid have good self-esteem?
Relax.
Kids are no more immune to self-doubt than we are, but that doesn’t mean they’re wading in the shallow end of the esteem pool.
Trina Krischon, a child life specialist at Northwestern Medicine Delnor Hospital in Geneva, Illinois, offers this “test” to evaluate whether your child has good self-esteem: “If a child/adolescent or teen is asked to describe themselves, what adjectives do they use? If asked to create a collage of themselves, what pictures do they use?” Krischon asks. “If those words/pictures reflect positivity, happiness, or goals, I would say that one may be able to assume that the child sees him/herself as feeling good about themselves, their life situation, and therefore likely has a good self-esteem.”
In other words: Your kids can have crises of faith in themselves. That’s part of being human. They can still have good self-esteem…provided you avoid the pitfalls.

The Praise Problem

You’ve probably heard about the biggest pitfall of all already.
Parenting message boards and Facebook groups are rife with battles over helicopter parenting, the rise of “participation” trophies, and accusations from older generations (and the child-free) that today’s parents are raising a pack of entitled brats. The debate over how much praise we give our kids has been so loud that it’s become fodder for a host of studies on what happens when parents work too hard to raise a confident, self-loving kid.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Words of praise alone are not self-esteem building. They can create a false sense of self for a kid.”
—Mayra Mendez[/pullquote]
The general consensus? When it comes to praise, there really is too much of a good thing, says Mayra Mendez, program coordinator for intellectual and developmental disabilities and mental health services at Providence Saint John’s Child and Family Development Center in Santa Monica, California.
“Words of praise alone are not self-esteem building,” Mendez says “They can create a false sense of self for a kid.”
In fact, researchers have spotted what they call a rise in narcissism in Western youth, and they put the blame on parents’ overvaluing their kids achievements, telling them they’re rock stars even when they’re not doing so hot. According to the study, published in 2014 in the journal the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, “children seem to acquire narcissism, in part, by internalizing parents’ inflated views of them (e.g., ‘I am superior to others’ and ‘I am entitled to privileges’).”
Kids with too much confidence and a sense of superiority aren’t just insufferable to be around. They’re also more likely to bully others and more likely to blame others when they fail instead of working harder to master a task.
Think of the parent who tells their kid they are the best soccer player on the team when that child has never scored a goal and doesn’t put in any effort on the field. That’s overvaluing a child’s achievements and over-praising, Mendez says.
A better way to build self-esteem, Mendez explains, would be to focus on something your child did accomplish on the soccer field. Did they finally figure out the passing drill that their coach has been working on all season? Were they kind and helpful after practice, cleaning up all of the balls without being asked?
“Empty praise is generally non-specific,” Mendez notes, while self-esteem–building praise makes connections between a child’s actions and their value.
Nor will empty praise help your child feel better when they’re down. Parents mean well, and they’re often trying to protect a child’s ego, Mendez says, but piling on the kudos when your kid is struggling can end up backfiring big time.
In part, it can be internalized as pressure to achieve impossible perfection.
“Perfectionistic kids or kids of perfectionistic parents can sometimes feel that nothing they do is good enough and strive for perfection,” Grosso explains. “When that is not attained—which it mostly isn’t because nothing is perfect—they can become angry, sad, and frustrated.”
All that empty praise can also make kids less flexible and less able to handle failures than their peers. After all, they become used to being told they’re the best without having to work hard for it. When they face actual adversity they may be shocked by their inability to snap their fingers and make things work.
As scientists posited in a 2016 study published in the journal Child Development Perspectives, “Praise can lower these children’s motivation and feelings of self-worth in the face of setbacks (e.g., when they struggle or fail). Lowered feelings of self-worth, in turn, might invite … inflated praise from adults, creating a self-sustaining downward spiral.”

The Gender Myth

Another all-too-common trap that parents fall in comes along with the gender divide. Even as society pushes tired stereotypes back into the 1950s where they belong, research on both moms and dads has shown we still speak differently to our kids based on gender.
We’re more likely to discourage our daughters from taking physical risks and less likely to discuss emotions with our sons. Comments like “boys will be boys” and “girls are better at the arts than boys” remain pervasive…and damaging.
By adolescence, boys tend to have significantly higher self-esteem than girls, especially when it comes to a sense of personal security, faith in their academic competence, valuing their own attractiveness, and feelings of personal mastery. Girls are also two to three times more likely than boys to develop depression during preadolescence and adolescence, an issue researchers have correlated with their self-esteem.
Meanwhile, the world of science and mathematics is plagued by a gender gap that scientists trace back to adolescence, when girls’ faith in their abilities in the subjects tends to plummet, despite evidence that boys and girls have equal abilities in math and and science.
[pullquote align=”center”]“We should treat every child with the utmost respect for their unique ability to learn, develop, and see the world through acceptance.”  
—Trina Krischon[/pullquote]
Although much of the work that needs to be done to correct this is at a societal level, Krischon says parents should be looking at their kids’ individual strengths in helping them build their self-respect, cutting out the gender divide.  
“As parents/society we should treat every child with the utmost respect for their unique ability to learn, develop, and see the world through acceptance,” Krischon notes. “Each child is unique, regardless of gender, and will thrive in an environment that not only provides their most basic of needs but looks to provide positive and enriching experiences that encourage feelings of exploration and individuality regardless of their gender.”
In other words: A son should be treated differently from a daughter, but only because two daughters will also be treated uniquely as they’re unique individuals.  

What Works

So, raising a kid with good self-esteem is not synonymous with raising a kid to think they’re the best thing since sliced bread, the iPhone, and the fidget spinner. Could the real secret be in letting kids feel a little down once in a while?
That’s exactly what the experts say our kids need…balanced with some good old-fashioned praise.
“We have to help our kids tolerate disappointment and accept the reality that they will probably not succeed at everything they try by helping our kids develop skills to tolerate frustration and develop patience and perseverance,” Grosso explains. “We want to offer constructive feedback to help support them in their misadventures and also point out what they did well. Approach feedback as a praise sandwich: specific praise, constructive feedback, specific praise.”
A good praise sandwich might be “You ran so fast today at practice. It’s great to see your runs around the neighborhood at night are helping you increase your endurance. Nice work!” This gives your kid the satisfaction of being praised, but even better, they’re being praised for something they themselves have control over. They made that praise happen with their hard work and discipline.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Help kids gain a sense of mastery by offering them choices so they begin to establish control and self-direction. If kids can succeed on their own accord, they will develop a foundation for learning and positive growth.”
—Christina Grosso[/pullquote]
What’s more, research has shown that parental warmth is a key in helping kids feel good about themselves and develop confidence. They need to hear that we love them and support them, and we can do that by praising their efforts (without piling on false praise). The goal isn’t just to make them feel good, Grosso explains, but to help them develop competence.
“When a child is frustrated by a challenge, help them find ways to problem solve,” she suggests. “Brainstorm ideas, role play and offer choices. Don’t do for your kids to ensure their success. Help kids gain a sense of mastery by offering them choices so they begin to establish control and self-direction. If kids can succeed on their own accord, they will develop a foundation for learning and positive growth.”
If your kids are plagued by self-doubt, worry, and sadness, take heed. Kids who are bullied often have lower self-esteem, and it’s important to take these issues seriously, Grosso cautions. You can talk to your child’s teachers or a school psychologist—but also talk to your kid.
“Encourage kids’ expression through talking, play, art, and music,” Grosso suggests. “This will help them develop a sense of control and “voice” to express thoughts and feelings and help them show us their world. We don’t want to leave them alone on this journey. It is with the support and guidance of their parents/caregivers that they will find their way and develop into happy and confident adults.”
In the end, remember that self-esteem building is part of parenting, but you’re not alone on the journey. Everyone a kid encounters—from classmates to teachers to strangers on a city bus—can have an impact on how our kids see their place in the world. It’s up to us to help them navigate it all.

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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

What To Do (And What To Avoid) When Baby Gets Sick

It’s inevitable. Friday night, when all the doctors’ offices have closed, baby starts coughing. That little forehead feels like your cheeks after you’ve run a marathon. Those little eyes are staring at you in utter confusion, wondering why Mommy can’t just make all the misery go away.
Of course, babies get sick every day of the week, but it always seems to happen when we’re headed into a winter weekend as cold and flu season rears its ugly head.
So, do you really need to run your baby to the emergency room, or is it OK to wait it out until Monday? We talked to the experts so you can put your mind at ease.

Fighting That Fever

You learned back in grade school that the average human’s body temperature sits at a cool 98.6. When baby’s temperature starts to climb above that, you need to be wary, but what you do next comes down to baby’s age, says Lavanya G. Shankar, MD, chair of pediatrics at Northwestern Medicine Central DuPage Hospital in Winfield, Illinois.
“Eight weeks and under, when they have a fever, whether they have other symptoms or not, an immediate call to the pediatrician is a good idea,” Shankar says. If you don’t hear back, don’t wait. Get in the car and drive to the closest ER or urgent care.
That fever, she notes, doesn’t mean 98.7 degrees. From a medical standpoint, doctors worry when the temperature hits 100.4 degrees in babies, and that temperature should be taken rectally (aka by sticking a thermometer in baby’s hiney).
“That’s the most accurate for babies 12 months and under,” Shankar explains.
That’s because babies that young won’t be able to keep a thermometer under their tongue the way older kids might, and there’s too much margin of error with ear and forehead thermometers.
If that rectal test shows a baby between 3 and 6 months has a fever, Shankar still recommends a call to the pediatrician, whether there are other symptoms present or not. “But you don’t need to rush anywhere,” she notes.
The urgency changes if your little one is showing other symptoms of illness, such as extreme fatigue or listlessness, glassy eyes, refusal to nurse or take a bottle, or excessive vomiting. If any (or many) of those symptoms are present, it’s time to take that trip to the ER.  
Infant Tylenol and infant Motrin can help baby fight a fever, and many pediatricians suggest switching between them throughout the day for babies older than 3 months, Shankar says. Your baby’s doctor can help you determine the right dosages and whether or not acetaminophen is appropriate.
One thing not to do? Don’t buy into old wives tales about starving a fever, Shankar warns. It’s important for babies to continue to eat a normal diet. If they’re not eating, it’s a sign you need to seek medical care.

Cutting Through Congestion

When cold and flu season hits, so does congestion, and baby’s little sinuses can take a wicked hit.
Typically the cause is a virus, says Benjamin Bring, DO, a primary care physician at OhioHealth Primary Care Physicians in Dublin, Ohio. Rhinovirus, also known as the common cold, is usually responsible as baby’s immune system isn’t equipped to fight off the disease that hits some 18 million Americans every year. But babies are also particularly susceptible to coronavirus, parainfluenza virus, adenovirus, and respiratory syncytial virus (RSV).
These viruses will cause baby to cough and sneeze, and make their little noses run thanks to increased mucus production (which stuffs them up). But because they’re viral, Bring says antibiotics are generally off the table. They won’t help—and in some cases they’ll actually make things worse.
“Babies and infants should be treated with conservative measures and rarely with medications,” Bring notes.
In other words? It’s not just okay to go old school when it comes to baby’s congestion—the methods used by our grandmas are often the best, and in many cases, they’re doctor approved.
“Some good treatments include cool mist humidifiers to help break up mucous secretions and a bulb syringe to help remove the mucus,” Bring says. “Saline nose drops can help in some circumstances as well. Often parents will use the steam from a shower in a bathroom if [they don’t have] access to a humidifier to help their baby breathe better [despite] a respiratory infection.”
Congestion itself isn’t cause for immediate concern, but if baby’s struggling to breathe, has a cough that sounds like a seal barking, or their skin turns a blue or dusky color, it’s time to make a run to the urgent care or emergency room, Bring says.
“This can indicate that the baby isn’t getting enough oxygen due to inflammation of the airways from the infection,” Bring explains. “Typically oxygen levels can be measured at an urgent care or ER through use of a pulse oximeter.”
If the congestion is accompanied by fever and other signs of illness (lethargy, glassy eyes, refusal to eat, etc.), you’ll want to make that hospital run.

Stock the medicine cabinet.

The baby section of your local pharmacy has almost as many choices as the adult areas, but be wary. There are plenty of items on the shelves that doctors warn against.
“There are very few over-the-counter medications [that] are recommended for young children and almost all of the cough [and] congestion medications should not be administered to children under age 4,” Bring warns.
The American Academy of Pediatrics warns parents against OTC cough and cold medicines, and pediatricians have come out against the use of Vicks Vapo Rub on kids under age 2. Even “natural” remedies such as echinacea, vitamin C, and zinc get the side-eye from the experts.
Instead, stock up on ibuprofen and acetaminophen (e.g. baby Tylenol and baby Motrin), which your pediatrician can suggest dosing out based on baby’s age and weight. In addition to bottles of each, grab bulb syringes for your medicine cabinet (and your diaper bag!), as well as saline nasal drops.
If you can, run cool mist humidifiers in your home to keep the whole family’s sinuses moist and comfortable.

An ounce of prevention…

Avoiding illness is every mom’s goal, but let’s face it: The world is full of germs, and babies are still building their immune systems. While adults tend to get two to four colds a year, kids can get five to 10.
The best ways to ward off serious illness? Good old-fashioned hygiene!
“Parents, caregivers, and anyone around the baby should be vigilant about handwashing, especially during the winter months,” Bring says.
If your baby is 6 months or older, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends a flu vaccination to help protect them from the flu.
“Getting a flu shot does not give you the flu,” Bring notes. “The immunization gives your child’s immune system a chance to create an immune response to a dead virus prior to being infected. This gives young children a head start for their immune system to start working on fighting the flu in case they do get infected with the virus later in the season.”
If illness does hit, be proactive. Take their temperature. Watch for the signs. Call your doctor. Trust that mom’s intuition. It can make all the difference.

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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Are You Ready For Baby No. 2?

Ah, the question of Baby No. 2. For some couples, it’s a no-brainer—they know from the get-go that they will have at least two kids. For others, it’s less clear, and often becomes even more difficult after you are faced with the reality of one child.
This is a topic my husband and I have struggled with endlessly, and one that is rarely easy for any couple. The answers often come down to gut feelings and raw desires (as well as the luck of the draw), but there are some important questions that can help you home in on whether you are really ready to expand your family.
Here are four vital questions to ask yourselves:

1. Do you both want another child? Like, really want one?

This may seem incredibly obvious, but married couples often make assumptions about each other that are eventually proven wrong. Before you had your first, you and your spouse might have envisioned a big family, but once you have a child (and all that comes with parenthood!), one of you may no longer want another. This is the biggest question to consider: Are you on the same page?

Tips for Having This Conversation:

This can be a really tough one since emotions run high, but hear each other out. Ask each other about your desires and fears without jumping down each others’ throats. What do you imagine life with one or more kids looking like? What are you afraid or excited about? How do you think it would change things for your current child? What sorts of joys and sadnesses will it bring? Openness here is absolutely essential.

2. Can you afford it?

This is totally unromantic, but is a necessary part of the ongoing conversation. Kids are expensive. Can your budget stretch to accommodate two? How are you handling one financially? Do you feel strapped, or is there enough to go around? Will you be able to afford not just diapers and food, but daycare, preschool, and health insurance? What about vacations and college? Do you have relatives who will be happy to help out, or are you supporting this family completely on your own? How steady are your jobs?

Tips for Having This Conversation:

Be super practical and try to keep this one out of the emotional realm. Sit down with your spreadsheets. What does your monthly budget look like? What are your savings like? Can you easily afford it, or can you cut back on certain indulgences to accommodate another child?

3. What will our life with two look like?

This question is all about your family’s division of labor. The biggest mistake couples often make before having a baby is not being explicit about division of labor. I don’t just mean who will be the primary caretaker and who will be the primary breadwinner. I mean getting down to the nitty gritty: What time will the parent who is out at work get home every night? What will his or her role be upon return? Will they take over for the primary caretaker—doing the bathing and book-reading and bedtime? Or will they need to sit down with a drink, Mad Men style?
What will your weekends look like? Who will cook? Who will clean? Who will get up in the middle of the night for the eighth time, and who will get up (again) at 5 a.m. with the kids? Who will take the kids to daycare and school? Who will stay home when they’re sick? Etc., etc., etc.
The logistics are endless. Obviously not every question can be answered, but it’s very important that both your assumptions be brought to light. If, for instance, you are the primary caretaker and it’s clear to you that what you’ve been able to handle largely on your own with one will be impossible with two, how do you expect your partner to participate?

Tips for Having This Conversation:

It’s best to have this conversation with your defenses down. Every member of a family contributes and it’s important that those roles be respected. So rather than saying, “I do everything now but that will be impossible with two, so you’d better buck up!” or “I make all the money and it’s too much pressure on me!” try discussing where there is room for some flexibility. What might need to change? Is that change possible?

4. Is one enough?

After all these discussions, you may decide that one is, in fact, miraculous enough, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. A family of two (one parent, one kid) or three is beautiful—intimate, focused. Your kid gets a lot of your attention. You have more time for other things. It’s easier to fall into a predictable rhythm.
The problem often comes in engaging with other people—the grandmothers who are begging for more.

Tips for Having a Conversation With Your Kid Who Wants a Sibling:

Emphasize what the child has rather than what she doesn’t: more time with Mommy and Daddy, her cousins, her friends, a room to herself, no one poaching her toys. And remember that as much as a child may want a sibling, it is you, not the child, who will be caring for said baby, and you who is the adult. You have to do what’s best for you.

Tips for Having a Conversation with Nosey People who Want You to Have More Kids:

At the end of the day, it’s your family. Your choice. Your life. There is no need to justify your plans to anyone else, as much as people may want you to. So a simple: We are happy as we are should be enough. And if it’s it not? Not your problem.
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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Cloth Diapers

When I was pregnant, I never dreamed I’d spend as much time as I do thinking about my baby’s diapers and bathroom habits.
But I do. And guess what? I LOVE IT. Because you know what? Even my baby’s stinky poops are adorable.
That said, I decided pretty early in my pregnancy that I wanted to cloth diaper. I’d heard it was better for the environment than using disposable diapers, and when you consider that the average baby goes through about 10 diapers a day, I figured reusable cloth diapers would be more economical in the long run.
I did my homework, and while there are definitely pros and cons to both disposable and cloth diapers, I ultimately decided I wanted to cover my baby’s precious tushy in cloth.
If you’re on the fence about cloth diapering, I’ve got you covered (Get it? Because diapers cover your baby’s sweet little bum).
Read on to learn more than you ever wanted to know about cloth diapering…

Save some sweet moolah.

Disposable diapers are really handy, but can add up to a a big expense. It’s estimated that the average family spends about $500 on diapers each year. Depending on when your kid is potty-trained, that adds up to about $1,500 in diapers alone.
By comparison, I spent about $400 for my whole cloth diaper stash, which I can use through potty training, and for any additional kids (if we survive the first one).

It ain’t easy being green.

One of the reasons I originally wanted to use cloth diapers was to be more environmentally friendly. Disposable diapers aren’t completely biodegradable, and it’s estimated that up to 20 billion diapers go to landfills each year.
No wonder landfills are so stinky.
However, cloth diapers aren’t without their environmental downsides.
Cloth diapers have to be washed almost daily on hot wash cycles, which requires a lot of non-renewable energy. Additionally, cloth diapers are often made of cotton fibers. Unless it’s organic, cotton production is pesticide-heavy, which isn’t great for the environment either.

So what’s a new mom to do?

I work from home, so I figured I’d be able to keep up with all the laundry, I liked that we’d save money by cloth diapering, and let’s face it: Cloth diaper prints are just so stinking cute.
So, I determined to cloth diaper.
I immediately realized that I misjudged how much time I’d have to keep up with the mountain of diapers that had to be washed daily.
Keeping a baby alive all day, every day is hard work, y’all.
Also, cloth diapers are a huge pain to use when you have to leave home. If you have to change a cloth diaper on the go, you also have to carry a gross diaper around with you all day long.
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Size can be an issue, too. Most cloth diapers fit babies starting at eight pounds. My baby weighed almost eight pounds at birth, so I figured he’d be able to wear his cloth diapers immediately.
Not so much. The cloth diapers we’d purchased were comically large on his scrawny little newborn butt, so we wound up using disposable diapers for about two months, until he fattened up a little bit.
Even though we’d practiced cloth diapering, my husband was intimidated by all the ins and outs of cloth diapers, and still uses disposables if he has to change a dirty diaper.
I’ll be totally honest: We’re really lazy. I estimate that we use cloth diapers about half the time—far short of our initial goal.
Whether or not you decide to cloth diaper is totally up to you, but  if you do decide to cloth diaper, here’s what you need to know before you start accumulating your stash.

Pockets, prefolds, and fitteds, oh my!

Cloth diapers usually contain an absorbent microfiber or cotton insert surrounded by a waterproof diaper cover. However, there are several different types of cloth diapers on the market, and choosing which type is right for your munchkin’s hiney can be totally overwhelming.
Before you buy, I’ve created a quick guide outlining the most popular types of cloth diapers.

All-in-Ones

All-in-one cloth diapers are exactly what they sound like. All-in-ones go on just like a disposable and the whole diaper can be popped into the washing machine, which makes it the most convenient type of cloth diaper. However, because they’re so convenient, all-in-ones are often the priciest type of cloth diaper, ringing up at around $25 a piece.
Want it all (in one)? I recommend BumGenious’s Freetime All-In-One Cloth Diaper.

Pocket Diapers

Pocket diapers are my personal favorites. A pocket diaper looks like an all-in-one, but has a pocket at one end that contains a removable microfiber or cotton insert. The insert is removed and washed when the diaper is soiled. While the insert adds an extra step in the washing process, I like pocket diapers because you can add extra stuffing if your baby is a heavy wetter. Pocket diapers are often less expensive, and can usually be purchased for five or six bucks per diaper.
Pleased by the pocket? I recommend Mama Koala’s pocket diapers.

Flats and Prefolds

A flat diaper is the kind of cloth diaper your grandma probably used to diaper your mom’s bum. They’re cheap, but you have to be an origami wizard to get them to stay on a wiggly baby butt. Prefolds are similar, but are made of fluffy cotton and can be folded into three sections, with the middle being a super absorbent layer. Both can be pinned on using a snappi (the modern equivalent of diaper pins). I like prefolds because if you’re lazy like me, you can simply fold the diaper longways and lay it in the cover. I also use prefolds for extra stuffing in my other cloth diapers at night so I don’t have to get up to change a midnight diaper.
Want to kick it old school? I recommend Green Mountain Cloth-eez Prefold Diapers for use with Wink Hybrid Diaper Covers.

Fitteds

Fitted diapers are also ultra convenient. They’re made of absorbent cotton and look like disposable diapers with snaps. All fitted diapers must be used with a waterproof diaper cover because the fitted cloth insert isn’t waterproof.  Fitteds, like all-in-ones, can be pricy, but are a lot less bulky than other cloth diaper options.
After the perfect fit? I recommend Mother Ease’s One Size Fitted Cloth Diaper.

Start your stash.

You’ll want to start preparing your diaper stash early. If you’re having a baby shower, cloth diapers and cloth diapering accessories are great items to register for because starting your stash is a totally upfront cost, unlike disposable diapers, which can be bought weekly.
A cloth diaper stash doesn’t have to be large, but at a minimum, you should have at least 10 to 12 cloth diapers on hand. With that many diapers, you’ll more than likely get through one whole day with your baby, but you’ll need to do laundry daily.
I recommend trying a couple different types of cloth diapers to see which ones you like best before purchasing too many of one type. For example, I found out I really love pocket diapers, even though I thought for sure I’d hate having to stuff them each time I used them.

You’re gonna need a bigger washing machine.

The nice thing about disposable diapers is that they’re well, disposable. You take it off, wrap it up, and toss it in the garbage. The biggest inconvenience with disposable diapers is emptying the diaper genie every so often.
Cloth diapers, on the other hand, have to be washed and dried before you can use them again. Depending on the size of your diaper stash (which is the number of diapers you have available for use), you may have to do laundry every day, especially if your baby is a super-pooper.
Before you use your cloth diapers, it’s important to run them through a hot rinse and spin cycle at least three times to ensure their absorbency. It isn’t necessary to dry them in between cycles, but you can if you’d like.
Once your baby starts filling his or her diapers, you’ll want to have a separate stink-proof bag to put the used diapers in until laundry day. You can spend a fortune on a fancy diaper bin, or you can visit the camping section of your local big-box store for a dry-bag with a cinch top, which will also do the trick and keep your nursery smelling fresh as a baby’s bottom.
Now, many cloth diapering blogs will tell you that newborn poopy diapers can simply be thrown in with the wash because newborn poop doesn’t stain cloth.
In my experience, this is a big, fat lie.
Newborn poop is a violent shade of neon orange, and it stains everything. EVERYTHING.
Before throwing a poopy diaper in the pail, saturate it with hot water to keep a stain from setting. If the diaper is still stained post wash, a couple hours in direct sunlight should remove the stain completely.
As for regular laundering, most cloth diaper instructions are ultra-intense, and recommend multiple wash cycles and special detergent, like Rockin’ Green each time.
Me?
Not so much.
I’m lazy. I only do one hot wash cycle with whatever detergent was on sale at the grocery store.
Occasionally, I will do a wash cycle with a couple drops of bleach to strip any residue that’s left behind, but that’s as far as I go.
Mama ain’t got time for multiple wash cycles.

Yikes. Cloth diapers sound like a lot of work.

I’ll be honest. Cloth diapers are a lot more work than I bargained for. But then, raising a kid is a lot more work than I thought it would be, too.
There are pros and cons to both disposable and cloth diapers.
I’ve been a mom for four months, so I’m basically a parenting expert, right? Take my advice: Go with whatever diaper you want! Before you stress spiral about whether or not the diapers your kid wears will affect his chances of getting into Harvard, ask yourself, Is my kid clean and dry in his diaper?
If yes, then you’ve chosen wisely.
That’s what I’d call a parenting win.
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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Beyond Baby Talk: How To Help Babies And Toddlers Learn Through Speech

You can’t help it. You stare into your baby’s eyes and you let out a sentence full of words that you’ve never said before, in a voice that doesn’t sound quite like yours.
Welcome to parenthood, the land where babbling isn’t just OK—it’s part of helping our babies develop the speech they’ll eventually need to tell us how much they love us (hey, that’s the plan, right?).
How parents talk to their kids, and the “right” way to teach children their mother language has been studied and debated by scientists for decades. Should you be pulling out board books when you’re still just a day or two postpartum and reading to your newborn? Do you really need to buy those fancy flashcards they advertise on all the baby sites? And what’s the deal with baby talk anyway?
Slow down. You’re talking too fast! Here’s what the experts have to say about it all!

Baby Talk

What we say to our kids matters. They need to hear “I love you” for their emotional development. They need to hear a variety of words for their speech development. And Mother Nature’s got our back.
Parents are hardwired to adjust their speech patterns when babies arrive, especially moms, who tend to switch to what’s called “infant-directed speech” without even thinking about it, says Greg Bryant, PhD, associate professor and vice chair of the Department of Communications at UCLA.
Unlike baby talk—which is essentially using nonsense words and diminutives when talking to your baby (think phrases like cutsie wootsie instead of cute)—infant-directed speech describes a change in speech patterns.
The voice generally goes up an octave (or two), and we tend to elongate our vowels, enunciating words so they’re sounded out rather than mushed together in the speedy way we tend to speak to other adults. Think about how you try to teach a baby to say mama. Instead of a quick mama, we tend to say maaa-maaa. That’s a classic example of infant-directed speech.
“Early on, kids need to learn the sounds of the language they’re going to speak,” Bryant explains. “They more clearly they hear it, the easier it is to learn.”
But while it’s an important part of being a parent, Bryant is quick to tell parents not to get stressed out by the headlines that implore them to read to kids from infancy in order to boost their vocabulary and literacy skills, or warnings that kids as young as 18 months can experience a “word gap,” lagging behind their peers with larger vocabularies.
“[Reading] helps to make them literate,” he says. But language development is minimal when they’re sleeping through the book and not engaged with the story, he says. It’s OK to hold off until they’re able to at least see the pictures on the pages!
Pediatric speech language pathologist Jenny Cardinal of Riley Children’s Health in Indianapolis says much of language development for babies and toddlers happens more organically.
“Children learn language through the vocabulary and language modeled to them through their everyday interactions and natural environment activities such as eating snacks and bath time,” she notes.
Although every baby is different and will develop at their own pace, parents can generally expect the following in the baby stage:

Birth to About 3 Months

Baby will make cooing or vowel sounds and have cries that mean different things, for example, “Change my diaper” or “I’m hungry.”

4 to 6 Months

Baby will likely be cooing and making speech-like babbling sounds such as ba, pa, and mi.

7 to 12 Months

Babies will babble longer strings of sounds such as mimi, up-up, and baba. It is also around this age that they will imitate different speech sounds and say one to two true words—such as hi, dog, dada, mama, or uh-oh—around their first birthday.

Walking but Not (Necessarily) Talking

Although many babies can say “real” words before they hit age 1, every child will progress at different rates, and the words they use may not make a whole lot of sense to anyone other than their parents and caregivers.  
“Children typically have one to two true words by between 12 and 15 months of age,” Cardinal says. “These words may not sound exactly as an adult would say them (e.g., da for dog), but the word is used consistently to mean a specific thing.”
Cardinal suggests engaging in play and talking about what is happening using a variety of words, not just labeling with nouns.
“Model action words and adjectives, too, to help your child expand their vocabulary,” she says. “When playing, get at eye level with your child so they can see your mouth modeling words for them. Take turns with them so that they understand how conversations work.”
Cardinal encourages parents to make investments of their time. “The more practice with talking your child gets, the better they become! It is always helpful to read books together so that they hear a variety of vocabulary words and can use the pictures to help them understand.”
In their second year of life (the 12 months between their first and second birthdays), kids tend to start making the m, p, b, h, and w sounds. Typically they pick up a variety of new words, although they’re still not stringing together sentences.
Between 2 and 3, Cardinal says children typically use the t, d, n, k, g and f sounds within words. More complex speech sounds such as l, s, r, v, z, j, ch, sh, and th continue to develop through the age of 7.

You’ve got a talker!

Infant-directed speech should continue through about age 4 or 5 Bryant says, but it naturally lessens as kids get older and more adept at language. Think about it—when was the last time you encouraged a school-aged child to say Maaa-maaaa?
To keep language development going, reading to and with kids is important, as is challenging them to use the words they see and hear every day. That can simply mean using “big” words in your vocabulary or asking them to describe things they see, fishing for adjectives that stretch their imagination.
As Cardinal says, it’s in those rides in the car or dinner table conversations that “they not only hear and learn to produce speech sounds modeled to them, but also learn how to put words together to make phrases and sentences using a variety of words including pronouns, nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, etc.”
Her final piece of advice?
“Talk at a level your child understands and model grammatical phrases and sentences.”

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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Buckle Up Baby: A Mom’s Guide To Car Seat Safety

My daughter was just a few months old when the technician climbed in the back seat of my car and said, “The way you’ve installed it, your car seat is a baby death trap.”
Okay, maybe she didn’t say baby death trap. But as a new mom who wanted nothing more than to protect my newborn baby, hearing that the one thing designed to keep my little girl safe in the car hadn’t been installed correctly was akin to being told I was a horrible mom.
I wasn’t. Nor was I particularly unique. Studies have shown some 95 percent of parents make at least one major mistake when we install our kids’ car seats. That’s almost every parent!
We all mean well, but every car and car seat is different, creating a whole lot of room for error.
So how do you wade through it all to make sure your baby is safe and secure?

Do you have the right car seat?

The world of car seats can be confusing for the uninitiated. What’s a booster? A forward facer? The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration breaks down the types of safety devices on the market into three basic groups:

Rear-Facing Car Seats

Just as the name implies, these types of car seats are installed facing the back of the car. That’s the suggested mode of getting around for baby’s first two years, so these types of seats are a must in the early days of life. Rear-facing seats are designed to cradle your child’s head, neck, and spine in case of a crash.

Forward-Facing Car Seats

Yup, you guessed it—these seats are made for the day when you can turn your toddler around to see the world through the front window of the car. These seats come with both a harness to keep baby inside in case of a crash and a tether to keep the seat itself hooked in place in the car. Some seats can actually transition from rear-facing to forward-facing safety devices, which can save you money.

Booster Seats

Designed for older kids (ages will vary based on manufacturer suggestions and your child’s height and weight), booster seats boost a child’s body up so that the car’s seatbelt sits safely across their body. The seats are usually the last step before your kiddo is ready to ride without a safety device, but they can end up sitting in them for several years before that happens.

Manuals Matter

If you’ve installed one seat, you can install them all, right? Not so fast.
Parents tend to get more lax regarding car seat safety as kids get older (almost a quarter admit to letting their kids out of a booster seat because they “felt like it,” rather than checking the rules), but no matter how good you think you are at installation, it’s always worth giving the manual a read.
The car seat manual will include guidelines that relate to your child’s height and weight, and the manual might suggest setting up the seat in one particular spot in the car (such as the middle of the back seat).
The proper way to install one brand’s car seat, or one type of safety seat, may be vastly different from another. In fact, sometimes the safest way to install a particular seat will differ depending on the type of car you have, so be sure to consult the manual before taking baby for a ride.

Follow the rules, not just the laws.

Car seat safety laws vary wildly from state to state in America, which can make finding the safest seat confusing for parents. The laws should always be followed, but it’s not just okay to be more cautious than whatever’s on the books in your state—it’s recommended by experts.
In states like Florida and Arkansas, for example, the law requires child restraints for kids 6 and younger. But the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends kids remain in a car seat until they’ve reached 4 feet 9 inches tall and are between 8 and 12 years of age. The AAP also recommends kids remain rear-facing until age 2, a guideline that’s stricter than many state laws, and studies back up the pediatricians. Kids are safer watching the world go by out the back window until they’re over 24 months old.

It doesn’t add up.

You’ve seen the fun toys, the pretty blankets, and those cozy-looking strap covers. The market is chock full of aftermarket products aimed at making car seats more comfortable for kids.
Just one problem: Most aftermarket products come with a loud warning from car seat experts, who advise against any add-ons, lest they become an issue in a crash.
Adding anything to the straps (or even dressing kids in puffy winter wear), for example, can alter the fit of the harness, which will affect how well the seat performs in an accident. The AAP warns that “if you can pinch the straps of the car seat harness, then it needs to be tightened to fit snugly against your child’s chest.” The group advises against coats or other items that will stand in the way of that perfect fit.
When in doubt? Go back to the manual. Car seat manufacturers include information about what can and can’t be used with a seat.

Dial a tech.

Feeling overwhelmed? Don’t panic!
You don’t have to beg your pediatrician to start making home visits to ensure a safe install. If you can’t figure out how to install your car seat (or just want someone to double check your work), the folks at Safe Kids Worldwide have got your back.
Just search their tool by state and city, and you can find a child safety seat technician who’s been certified to teach you the right way to install a seat.

Register your seat.

A car seat doesn’t require registration to work—it’s not like your computer software. But don’t throw that little registration card away! Use it! If a car seat manufacturer issues a recall for a seat—and these often pop up in the news—the info they receive when you register will enable the manufacturer to send you a personal note indicating whether you need to exchange your child’s seat or get it repaired.
Already have a seat that you forgot to register? You can register it on the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration’s website.

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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Motherhood In Denmark: How The Danish Excel At Postpartum Care And Raise The Happiest Children In The World

Imagine giving birth to your new baby, knowing you’ll be getting your full salary for the next 14 weeks…while you’re on maternity leave. Even better? If you’ve got a partner, picture a year’s worth of paid parental leave between you—all protected by the law.
Welcome to Denmark, the country that often tops lists of the world’s happiest people. It’s the country that gave us the concept of hygge, the cozy notion that took over the internet in 2016, encouraging us all to throw off our cares and get under a knit blanket with some comfy slippers. It’s also home to babies with some of the lowest rates of colic in the world and a place where all kids are guaranteed a spot in public daycare…with the government footing a chunk of the bill.
It may sound like a dream, but the Danish system is helping raise some of the happiest kids in the world. So what can we learn from them?

Postpartum care matters.

You don’t have to be a parent to know that paid parental leave is hard to come by in the U.S. The country’s Family & Medical Leave Act guarantees new moms just 12 weeks of time off from their jobs—unpaid—and even that has exceptions, with many small employers exempt from giving new mothers time away from the office.
How much time, if any, a mom (and/or dad) takes is dependent on their own situations, but American moms who are feeling guilty about taking time off from the job can look to the Danes for a little reassurance that it’s okay to take as much time as they need.
Denmark guarantees moms and dads time—with pay—to get to know their new babies and get into the swing of parenting. Moms get four weeks of paid time off during their pregnancy to prepare for birth plus another 14 weeks after the birth. Dads get two full weeks of paternity leave. On top of that, parents are guaranteed another 32 weeks (yes, with pay) to share between them. Parents can be out at the same time or trade off.

It’s okay to send kids to daycare.

Guilt about working motherhood runs high here in the States, where parents are often at odds over work–life balance. But the stay-at-home/work-outside-the-home debate is much quieter in Denmark.
The country boasts the second highest rate of employed moms in the world, with 78 percent of moms working once their kids are in school.
The choice over whether to work or stay home is a personal one, but if Danish moms teach us anything, it’s that there’s no reason to worry if you’re one of those out-of-the-home moms. Not only do they embrace their love of their jobs, but their kids grow up to be happy and healthy!

Let them be little.

It’s no surprise that the country that gave us LEGO is also a place where kids have a whole lot of fun.
Danish moms and dads have an advantage: Their country has recently been ranked one of the safest in the world. And they take full advantage of this fact. Kids in Denmark are given a lot of leeway to play on their own and foster independence.
Iben Sandahl and Jessica Alexander, authors of The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids, posit that free play is what helps Danish kids not only develop self-control but also to be more resilient and bounce back from adversity. It follows that kids who learn to handle adversity without being bogged down in it would become happier, more well-adjusted adults.
But it isn’t just independence that matters. Danish kids tend to be fully immersed in what it means to be a kid. Two-thirds of them play sports and get a whole of what’s known as “frisk luft,” aka fresh air.

(Let them) get smart.

Education is important, and the Danes have built a system that helps kids prepare for the future with the support of the whole country behind them.
University is free for students in the Scandinavian country, paid for by their parents’ (and everyone else’s) taxes. But the Danes don’t just push kids into college. Vocational training is also a major component of the education system, where kids are given the chance to explore their own path.
Not surprisingly, the independent streak forged at home during playtime is fostered here too, with an emphasis on self-guided, hands-on education.
The takeaway for American parents? Letting kids take the reins in education may have its advantages. Sure, you’re still responsible for making sure they get their homework done, but you don’t have to stand over their shoulders and correct all of their grammar while they do it.

Go easy on yourself.

With all the good news coming out of Denmark, you might be thinking it’s time to make a move. But it bears noting that for all the happiness and freedom, nobody’s perfect…not even Danish moms.
When researchers looked at parental happiness in countries around the world, the U.S. had one of the largest “happiness gaps” out there, but the researchers noted it was tied to social support systems. Denmark’s postpartum care, free education, and subsidized daycare all take a giant load off moms’ shoulders. If you don’t have that kind of support, you deserve all the more credit for being an all-star mom.
And while Danish adults tend to be some of the happiest out there, it isn’t all roses and clover for the Danish moms. In one study of how having kids affects parents, Danish parents showed an increase in happiness after child number one, but if they went on to have more kids, that number dropped off. Even Danish moms get the blues!
At the end of the day, no matter where you live, the choices you make for you and your family are most likely to be the right ones. After all, you’re the mom. And mom knows best.