Category: More Than Mom

Remember the rituals you loved most as a kid? Did you listen to the same holiday radio station at exactly 7 p.m. every day in December? Or spend Friday evenings sitting around the dining room table reciting the kiddush? You might even be carrying around some of those rituals with you now, repeating them daily, weekly, or just once a year.
We tend to get caught up in routines when the kids arrive: bedtime routines, morning routines, teeth-brushing routines. They’re steps we take every day that help us keep all the plates we’re juggling way up in the air, but they don’t tend to take a lot of thought. We do them. We move on.
Rituals, on the other hand, stick with us. They take thought to do and put us in another frame of mind entirely. And the rituals you start now will likely stick with your kids for the rest of their lives.
Even better? There’s solid science out there that shows these rituals help us through tough times and ward off “negative emotions” such as stress and anxiety.
In a stressful world, who couldn’t use an extra ounce of armor against negative emotions? We certainly can, and our kids could too.
But getting stressed out about how to pick a ritual to develop with the kids would defeat the purpose of all that stress relief, right? Don’t worry, we’ve got your back. Try some of these options on for size to find one that works for your family.

Remember it.

Rituals don’t have to be long, drawn-out affairs. They just have to be repeated actions that are done with mindfulness. One easy but effective ritual? Go around the dinner table each night and ask each member of the family to talk about one good thing that happened during their day. Repeating the practice will help make it stick, but the practice itself can help re-focus everyone in the family on the positives in life.
Don’t always get to eat dinner together? That’s life! But similar practices can be done any time of the day. Try asking everyone in the family for one thing they’re excited about at breakfast time!

Try it.

We all depend on our routines, but if you’re caught in a rut, a ritual might pull you out.
Think about it: When’s the last time you tried to make something different for dinner? Tried to shop at a new grocery store? Did anything…new?
Spice up your family’s life and create a ritual with a “try it” day. Pick one day of the week when you and the kids try something new, whether it’s an activity or a food. Not only will you create a practice that the kids can take with them into adulthood, you’ll teach your kids not to get complacent.

Walk it.

We all mean to fit exercise into our lives, but somehow that 5 a.m. yoga class doesn’t sound quite as attractive when you were up until 2 a.m. sewing a costume for “dress like an old person day” at your kid’s school.
Make movement a ritual with a daily (if possible) or weekly walk with the family. Just 15 or 20 minutes of walking and talking is all it takes.  

Book it.

Reading with our kids is often part of the bedtime routine, and it can be a bit mindless when you’ve just read If You Give a Moose a Muffin for the thousandth time. But choosing a book that’s got special meaning and reading it just once a year can become a ritual that your family repeats again and again.
Whether it’s picking a chapter book that you read over the course of a month, every single year, or reading a special holiday-themed favorite every December, the mix of repetition and reading is both ritual and a chance to push the love of reading. Win–win!

Theme it.

Take a page out of the PTA fundraiser book and make theme nights your ritualistic friend. Pick a country once a year that your kids will learn about via books, plan a dinner around the country’s cuisine, and watch a movie set there. Or throw out the educational element (yes, it’s okay to just have fun) and make one night a month all about a favorite film, with eats centered on the movie and the whole family indulging in a quotefest.
 

When was the last time you had a date night? If you’re laughing so hard right now you’re wondering if you’ll pee your pants, you’re in good company. In one recent survey by Care.com, 85 percent of parents said they wished they had more date nights. A third of parents even confessed they haven’t been out with their partner in more than six months (that’s half a year, y’all!).
With the holidays speeding toward us like the Polar Express, shelling out for a babysitter might not be in the cards.
And that could be good news. No really—hear us out.
An increasing number of studies show that kids learn healthy relationships by watching how their parents relate to one another. So it only stands to reason that kids could learn a little something good about dating by tagging along on your date night!
But how can date night be an actual date night with the kids screaming “Ewwww!” every time you give your partner a peck on the lips? Let’s dive in, shall we?

Stargazing

Grab a blanket, load up a star guide on your phone (Night Sky is free for iOS and Android), and head outdoors to help the kids find the Big Dipper. An evening of stargazing means cuddling under a blanket for the parents (and sneaking kisses in the dark without the kids noticing!) while your kids learn about the night sky. Hand over the star map, and let them lead the way.

Movie Marathon

Pick a movie series or theme with a ton of options or let the whole family vote. Pop the popcorn, flip off the lights, and get ready to cuddle on the couch with your honey with your favorite people all around you. If you have younger kids especially, family bonding will make way for couple time as the kids give in to exhaustion. Stay up to watch the last movie…or move to the bedroom. It’s up to you.

Test Drive a Car

No, you don’t have to buy a new car. You just have to express interest in buying it. Swear the kids to secrecy (or better yet, don’t let them in on the game until later), and hit a dealership for some adventure. The kids will have fun testing out all the backseat gadgets while you get to hold hands in the front. Bonus: an adventure to talk about for weeks (or even months).

Bowling

Hit the town bowling alley and ask for separate lanes! While the kids battle each other (and enjoy the benefit of gutter guards), you can challenge your partner to see who’s the best bowler. Remember to stock your pocket with quarters if your kids are old enough so you can let them play a few games in the arcade while you get quality time with your SO.

Candlelight Dinner

Let’s face it: Even the frozen pizza you threw in the toaster oven and popped on paper plates is romantic when there are candles. Tell Alexa to play some of the crooners, ask the kids to turn off the light switch, and get ready to make googly eyes at your honey while the kids giggle in the semi-darkness..

Laser Tag

Grab a Groupon for the local fun center and prepare to partner with your date in a battle against the kids. While you’re whispering strategy in a corner, your kids will be trying to take you out. Leave no man (or woman) behind.

Volunteer as a Family

The family that volunteers together doesn’t just stick together. They raise kind, generous kids who give back to their community together. Ask the volunteer coordinator for jobs that the kids can do without you hovering, and you might even score some semi-alone time with your partner doing something that will make you both feel good. (Hey now, you know what we mean, you dirty mind!).

Before my daughter was born, I unthinkingly told many, many people that they could—of course!—come meet the baby the second she arrived. But after she was born (via C-section after 28 hours of labor), I was so overwhelmed, exhausted, and pumped full of hormones that the thought of entertaining anyone felt like the most horrendous idea in the world.
If your best friend has just given birth, you are, of course, dying to go snuggle her little one. But before you show up at her doorstep like you have for the last 10 or 20 years, here are some basic rules for visiting new moms.

1. Make it short.

Gone are the days of three-hour-long brunches. Even if she’s not vocalizing it, your friend is probably out of her mind with exhaustion. Before you invite yourself over, make sure she is ready to see you. Visits shouldn’t last for more than an hour, but even that may be too long—15 to 45 minutes is usually enough time to squeeze in a quick chat and snuggle but not enough time to further exhaust your friend.

2. Be mindful of her time.

Do not arrive late! If you said you’d be there at 3 p.m., don’t roll in at 5 p.m., even if this is your MO. If you’re running behind, text her to make sure she will still be able to accommodate a visit. I once stood on a street corner with my screaming 4-month-old for 45 minutes waiting for a childless friend. I was so upset and wound up by it that it put strain on our friendship for months.

3. Ask ahead of time: Should I ring the doorbell?

Newborn babies are not always all that responsive to noise, but some are extremely sensitive. Moms, on the other hand, suddenly develop supersonic hearing. If the baby (or mom) has just fallen asleep after a long struggle, the last thing anyone wants to hear is the doorbell—and the inconsolable wailing that may follow. Ask her if you should text, call, or knock—or whether the door will be open.

4. Wash your hands well the second you walk in.

New moms are fanatical about germs—as they should be. Before you do anything else, head straight for the soap.

5. Do not visit if you are (even a little bit) sick.

“I won’t touch the baby!” or “I’m not even contagious anymore!” won’t cut it. You might put the baby at risk (and stress your friend out in the process). Wait until you are sure you’re completely healthy before even proposing a visit.

6. Want to help? Be specific.

“Let me know if I can do anything!” is a really nice thing to say, but no one in the history of the world has ever responded to it honestly.
Tell her you want to bring dinner over on Thursday. Does 7 p.m. work? How are pasta and a big salad? Are you having any particular cravings? Instead of offering to “help out” around the house, tell her you’d love to make her bed or do a load of laundry. And offer a specific date and time to do so.

7. Do not expect to be fed.

Or served. Or cleaned up after. Do not leave your Starbucks cup lying around. Do not ask her for a snack. If you’re hungry or want some coffee, offer to bring some over for everyone.

8. Make it all about her.

Your friend just had a baby! Regardless of how she’s dealing, she’s probably feeling a lot—extreme joy, pride, sadness, alarm, shock, fear, and excitement. Her hormones are on overdrive. Ask her about it. Some women want to talk about the birth, others don’t. Just keep in mind that your friend has been through an enormous life change. Be there for her in that moment.

9. Don’t write her off.

Yes, her life has changed, and it’s possible that your friendship will have to accommodate this big shift. She may be feeling a lack of confidence in her new role—not to mention self-conscious about how her friendships will hold up.
Be as forgiving and flexible as you can, especially in the early months. True, she may no longer be able to go out drinking until 2 a.m., but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to have a glass of wine with you after work. Allow the friendship to evolve into its next stage.

10. Stay in touch.

Have you heard the expression “the days are long but the years are short”? When you have a newborn, every day can feel like climbing Mount Everest. Checking in with her will go a long way. Because the days tend to blur together, she may not realize that you haven’t spoken in a month. Don’t take it personally.
Meeting your best friend’s baby can be a magical experience. Just remember that it needs to happen on her timeline, in her chosen way, when she feels comfortable. If you can be accommodating and loving—rather than judgmental and standoffish—your friendship will only grow stronger. And surely she will do the same for you when and if the time comes!