Category: Motherhood

4 Things I Wish I'd Known Before Having A Baby

Post author By Katie Martin
Post date September 18, 2019

While I was pregnant, I found out that women love to recount their birth experiences. It didn’t matter if it was a new mom I ran into at my doctor’s office or the grandmotherly cashier at the grocery store: Everyone had a birth story to share. I’d politely listen and promptly roll my eyes as soon as I got to the car.

“I’m not going to be that person,” I thought smugly to myself.
Fast forward to about five weeks ago, when I went into labor with my son, who incidentally, is the most precious, perfect little gumdrop of a baby.
We’re smitten. But it also turns out that I’m totally, unapologetically that person.
I’ll tell my birth story to anyone who will listen.
How did I become one of them?

Two reasons:
One, I’m really proud of myself. Do you know how hard it is to push something the size of a large football through a hole the size of a baseball?
Two, I want to share my experience with other pregnant women so that they know what to expect during the whole birth process, because I had no idea what to expect.
I really thought I was prepared. I took the baby class; I practiced my breathing exercises; I watched about a billion YouTube videos.

Then I went into labor for real.
And all that preparation went right out the window.
So, if you’re expecting a baby, thinking about having a baby, or just curious about what having a baby is really like, here are the four things I wish someone had told me before it was time to bring my gumdrop into the world.

1. What Contractions Really Feel Like

If I had a nickel for every time someone told me, “Oh, you’ll know when you have a real contraction,” I’d have enough nickels to put in a sock and hit those people.

I wanted to know exactly how contractions felt so I’d know exactly when I was in labor.
It turns out, all those women are right.
I had false contractions pretty regularly during my third trimester. These false contractions, called Braxton Hicks contractions, are usually painless. Your abdomen tightens until it’s hard as a brick, and then the contraction is over in about a minute.

When real contractions began, it felt like the worst menstrual cramping of my life. Just when the pain started to take my breath away, the contraction would end, and I’d have a brief respite until the next one began.
My experience is pretty standard, according to doula Judith Nowlin, CEO and co-founder of the iBirth app.

#ibirth #theibirthapp #topdownloadedpregnancyapp #pregnancy #doulainyourpocket #dailyinspirations #musthave #fivestars #invaluableinfo

A post shared by iBirth™App (@ibirthapp) on May 21, 2014 at 4:31pm PDT

“Women can use so many different words to describe the way contractions feel. Here are a few that are top of mind: pressure, hug, squeeze, radiating warmth, ‘like a migraine in my midsection.’ …Drawing the comparison to a menstrual cramp during a woman’s monthly cycle is the most common way to describe what a contraction feels like.”

2. Nothing can prepare you for the pain of labor…

I chose to give birth naturally because the thought of an epidural needle frightened me more than labor. I had a couple of friends who gave birth naturally. How hard could it be?
Insert the eye roll emoji here.
Some women, like those interviewed in renowned midwife Ina May Gaskin’s book Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth, describe childbirth as a pleasurable experience.
That may be true for some women. For me, the pain of childbirth was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.
Nowlin explains, “As labor progresses, when the contractions will be doing their most powerful work the dull menstrual cramp sensation can build ten-fold and transform into an all-encompassing full body experience that calls the mother’s complete attention.”

Boy, that is an understatement.
I will keep the details of my own labor between myself, my doctor, and the 42 nurses in the delivery room. However, I will tell you that after my water broke, I begged for an epidural.

After about five minutes of those contractions, I even used the code word that my husband and I agreed would only be used if I seriously couldn’t tolerate the pain.
Ultimately, I didn’t have an epidural because there wasn’t time. Doula Becks Armstrong gets it right when she says, “Nothing can prepare you properly for what it will actually feel like on the day as it can be very different [from your] expectation.”

But Armstrong does recommend some tips and techniques to help prepare for the intensity of labor pain:

Doing yoga to learn both breathing and movement can be amazingly helpful. Even just understanding how to be in an uncomfortable position, looking forward to a spot on the wall, and breathing for 30 seconds can be really beneficial. Learning about mindfulness and how to allow your thoughts to come in and out of your head while you focus your attention on different parts of your body and breathing slowly and deeply is also great training.

3. …or the post-delivery pain.

Again, I will spare you the details of my labor, but I will tell you that I had a pretty standard stage two tear. I was all amped up on adrenaline following the birth, so I thought I felt great. I was up and walking around about 40 minutes after my son was born.
The next morning? Not so much.

Things were very sore. I walked like a cowboy who’d ridden his horse for two weeks straight. Luckily, your nurses will take care of you. They’ll provide cold compresses, pain medication, and a shoulder to (literally) cry on as they help you to the bathroom.
I met one veteran mom in my OB-GYN’s office who told me to stick some pads soaked with witch hazel and aloe in the freezer and use those for pain relief when I got home from the hospital.
I didn’t catch this woman’s name, but she is a genius and a saint. Those homemade compresses felt great. The witch hazel and aloe helped soothe incision pain and sped up the healing process.

A post shared by Gina Cooper (@ginapaige4) on Jun 6, 2017 at 3:07pm PDT

The good news is that postpartum pain shouldn’t last too long. After about a week, I was able to take a short walk around the block without pain. My stitches completely dissolved at week three postpartum.
Recovering from a cesarean section is a little bit different and typically takes much longer than recovering from a vaginal birth.
New mom Dora Smith-Cook, who recently gave birth via C-section, says that “recovering from an unexpected (for me) surgery just added to stress and frustration to life. Taking things slow and allowing myself to heal took a lot of effort, when all I wanted to do was focus completely on my baby.”

After she was home, Smith-Cook focused on healing. “I had to hold off on physical activity, make myself rest for at least one of baby’s naps, and hand off the household chores to my husband.”’

4. How Much Anxiety I’d Have About Caring for an Infant

After delivery, mom and baby get totally pampered. Nurses lavish you with attention, and friends and family drop by with presents and well wishes. And then a mere 48 hours later, you’re shuttled out of the hospital and expected to drive an impossibly small baby home, where you are responsible for keeping him or her alive.
Forever.
It’s pretty anxiety-inducing.

Armstrong tells me I’m not alone:

I think women are bombarded with so much information on what they should and shouldn’t be doing that it can get overwhelming—leading to anxiety. There are a number of things that they can do to help if they are feeling anxious (or finding it difficult to sleep, overwhelmingly tired or teary or their muscles are becoming really tight) … Anxiety often manifests in the inability to breathe deeply (and can lead to panic attacks) so finding even 5 minutes to stop and do some deep breathing can really help with your anxiety. Talking with friends, going for a walk in trees and even watching a funny movie can help with anxiety and [its] effects.

I was afraid to leave my baby alone for five minutes, even with my husband or mother, but Armstrong says, “Having a little time away from your baby can sometimes help, though it needs to be with someone they trust as otherwise it can increase the anxiety.”

I thought I’d just be able to wing it when I went into labor. I mean, who needs to learn how to breathe, am I right?
But Armstrong says, “Understanding what happens in [labor] is important so doing classes at the hospital to really understand what the different interventions are and when they may be used is important, but actually talking about the bad birth stories (all pregnant women hear them) and finding out what they could do to prevent them from happening to them I think is almost more useful. Instead of worrying that something bad will happen they can focus on prevention.”

Tags 50035351, 9/18/2017, hemingway, parenting, Publishupdate

Healthy Pregnancy Motherhood

Pregnancy Week By Week: Here’s What To Expect In Every Trimester

Post author By Katie Martin
Post date July 31, 2019

Just found out you’re pregnant? Congratulations! You’ve probably already subscribed to a dozen week-by-week pregnancy guides and purchased all the pregnancy books in your local bookstore lest you miss some crucial piece of pregnancy-related information.
But if you’re overwhelmed by all that and you’re just looking for a brief breakdown of each trimester, we’ve got you covered. If you’re looking for an incredibly detailed week-by-week pregnancy guide, this isn’t it; instead, you can tape this to your fridge so you know what’s coming up as you grow your little bean.
Here’s a handy overview of what you can expect for the next 40(ish) weeks.

Pregnancy Week by Week: The First Trimester

Remember the iconic scene in Saved By The Bell when Jessie Spano takes all the caffeine pills and she’s so excited, until all of a sudden, she’s really sick and a little scared? That’s sort of what the first trimester is like. Here’s what the first 13 weeks have in store.

Weeks 1 and 2 of Pregnancy

“Your due date is calculated by adding 40 weeks (roughly 280 days) from the first day of your last menstrual period (LMP), which is why you’re technically pregnant before you conceive,” explains Tami Prince, MD, an OB-GYN, occupational medicine physician, and author practicing in Georgia. (This crazy math is the reason that I had to patiently explain to my extremely conservative grandmother that no, I was not pregnant at my wedding.)

Pregnancy Symptoms in Weeks 1 and 2

The first two weeks of pregnancy are technically the first 14 days of your cycle, from the first day of your period through ovulation. While you won’t be experiencing pregnancy symptoms quite yet, it is completely normal for some women to experience pelvic pain during ovulation.

Things to Keep in Mind in Weeks 1 and 2

“Take prenatal vitamins while attempting to conceive as well as throughout pregnancy and breastfeeding or until your physician tells you to stop,” says Prince. “The idea behind taking prenatal vitamins before pregnancy is to prevent neural tube defects. By the time most women realize they are pregnant, the neural tube has already formed so the vitamins are less effective to prevent defects. Even so, the vitamins also contain other important nutrients such as iron, calcium, and vitamin D so they are still important to complement a healthy diet.”

Week 3 of Pregnancy

After ovulation, your fertilized egg is growing and soon will attach itself to the wall of your uterus. Implantation of the egg to the uterus signals pregnancy hormones to begin secreting.

Pregnancy Symptoms in Week 3

Although you won’t be getting your period (because you’re pregnant, even if you technically don’t know it yet), you’re probably feeling symptoms similar to PMS this week, as your pregnancy hormones surge.

Things to Keep in Mind During Week 3

Keep taking those horse pills—er, prenatal vitamins!

Week 4 of Pregnancy

This week, you may have officially peed on a stick and found out you’re pregnant. Yippee! It’s hard to believe, but the little clump of cells that has recently made your uterus its home will eventually become a baby. For now, though, it’s known as an embryo.

Pregnancy Symptoms in Week 4

“Nausea, vomiting, intolerance to smells or certain foods, breast tenderness, abnormal bleeding or spotting are all common early pregnancy symptoms,” says Mercy Medical Center’s Janelle Cooper, MD, FACOG.
This week you may be experiencing the dreaded nausea that often accompanies the first trimester. Prince advises eating small, frequent meals and bland foods to keep nausea at bay. Just know that somewhere around week 12 to 13, the nausea will start to subside. Until then, hang in there, mama!

Things to Keep in Mind During Week 4

You’ll want to call your OB-GYN this week and let them know you got a positive pregnancy test. They’ll probably want you to come in sometime between six and 10 weeks to confirm the pregnancy and update your medical information.

Week 5 of Pregnancy

Hooray! You’re officially one month in! At this stage, that cute little embryo is about the size of a jellybean and has a heartbeat, though it’s probably not detectable on an ultrasound yet.

New Pregnancy Symptoms in Week 5

Early in pregnancy, blood flow to your kidneys actually increases by up to 60 percent! All that extra pressure means you’ll have to pee more than usual. Like a lot. Especially in the middle of the night. The good news is that this typically peaks early in the second trimester. Unfortunately, you’re probably still feeling nausea, fatigue, and bloating during week five.

Pro Pregnancy Tip

Even though you’re making five bajillion trips to the bathroom a day, don’t forget to drink extra water, which is how key nutrients (you know, the ones you’re taking daily in your prenatal vitamins) are delivered to the embryo.

Week 6 of Pregnancy

At six weeks, the embryo is going through rapid development. The heart and brain are now complex organs, and a little heartbeat can probably now be heard through an ultrasound.

New Pregnancy Symptoms During Week 6

Nausea, fatigue, and bloating are probably still in full swing, and you may add one more symptom to the mix: constipation. You may experience constipation as you struggle to adjust to the pregnancy hormones that are surging through your body. Do you love being pregnant yet?
For constipation relief, Cooper says, “I recommended starting with natural remedies such as increased water intake, increasing fiber in the diet (fruits and vegetables), prune juice. If that’s not successful, then a mild laxative such as Miralax daily, or in severe cases a laxative suppository.”

What’s New in Week 6?

Sometimes during pregnancy, you have to talk about scary stuff. While most of it is unlikely to happen, it’s still good to know how to recognize the signs and symptoms of conditions like deep vein thrombosis (DVT). Deep vein thrombosis is a rare but serious condition in which a blood clot forms deep within a vein, usually in the calf. You’re most likely to clot in the first trimester, and if a clot is released it can travel to the lungs and cause a pulmonary embolism. Luckily, there are some telltale signs you may have DVT.
Prince says that compression stockings (yes, like your grandma wears) can decrease the risk of DVT by increasing circulation. But if you notice that your calf is red or swollen and extremely warm to the touch, call your OB-GYN to get checked out.

Week 7 of Pregnancy

During week seven, your baby probably looks like a little black-and-white blob on an ultrasound screen. In reality, your little embryo looks a little bit like Lord Voldemort when he’s that gross man-baby; the embryo has developed little slits where a cute nose will eventually form, eyes (which won’t open for quite some time), and even has little limb buds!

Pregnancy Symptoms During Week 7

Even though you may not have gained weight yet, during the first trimester, the bloat is real. If none of your clothes fit due to pregnancy bloat, it’s okay to bust out maternity clothes already. No judgment! Just remember that your belly is going to get much, much larger, so buy clothes that will fit your currently barely there bump and when you’re 40 weeks preggo.

Week 8 of Pregnancy

By week eight, even though the embryo is just about a half inch long, all the most important body parts have formed. Baby’s heart beats at around 150 to 160 beats per minute, which is almost twice that of the average adult.

Pregnancy Symptoms During Week 8

The term morning sickness is such a lie! Pregnancy nausea can strike anytime, day or night. But there is good news! Morning sickness is actually nature’s way of protecting you from eating things that could harm the baby. While you’re in the worst of it now, it won’t be long before the nausea subsides for good.

Things to Keep in Mind During Week 8

One thing people forget to tell you about pregnancy? This early in the first trimester, ultrasounds are typically done vaginally to calculate the most accurate due date, Prince explains. It’s a bit uncomfortable, sure, but I like to think of a transvaginal ultrasound as your initiation into pregnancy. I won’t spoil the surprise, but compared to some pregnancy-related procedures, a transvaginal ultrasound is a total breeze.

Week 9 of Pregnancy

If you could see a close-up image of the embryo during week 9, you’d clearly see a teeny-tiny bobblehead of a baby with a disproportionately enormous head, about half the length of the entire body at this point! Don’t worry, your baby’s head-to-length ratio will even out a little over halfway through pregnancy.

New Pregnancy Symptoms During Week 9

There’s a reason your breasts have been sore and tender; they’re preparing for their starring role as milkmaids 1 and 2! You’ll also notice that your breasts have grown substantially larger over the past few weeks. By the end of the second trimester, your breasts will be completely ready to produce milk.

Things to Keep in Mind During Week 9

Now that you’re nearing the end of the first trimester, you can start thinking about how you’d like to tell friends and family you’re expecting, if you haven’t already. Here are some great ideas for cute photo announcements.

Week 10 of Pregnancy

We’re in double digits, people! At 10 weeks, the placenta is forming, taking the place of the yolk sac. Once the placenta is fully formed, it will supply the nutritional needs of your baby until birth.

New Pregnancy Symptoms During Week 10

“As the uterus begins to grow during the transition to the second trimester, the round ligaments which hold the uterus in place are stretched and can cause pelvic and or vaginal pains,” Cooper says.
That’s why toward the end of the first trimester, you might experience achy pelvic pain, especially if this isn’t your first pregnancy. To alleviate pelvic pain you can do some stretches, take a pain reliever (ask your doctor which ones are safe!), or soak in a warm bath.

Things to Keep in Mind During Week 10

Sometime between weeks 6 and 10, you’ll probably have your first OB appointment. During the appointment, you can expect to give a urine sample, get your blood drawn, and get a pelvic exam. Your weight and blood pressure will be checked, a Doppler ultrasound will be used to check the baby’s heartbeat, and you’ll meet with the doctor to discuss any questions you may have.

Week 11 of Pregnancy

Your baby is currently weighing in at a hefty quarter ounce, but by the end of the second trimester, he or she will weigh about two pounds!

Pregnancy Symptoms During Week 11

People mean well when they urge you to “eat for two,” but Prince explains that “excessive weight gain too early in the pregnancy can lead to adverse outcomes such as macrosomia (larger than average babies) and diabetes mellitus. Ideally, weight gain is determined by pre-pregnancy weight.”
While every pregnancy is different, Prince says pregnancy weight gain should go something like this:

Women with a body mass index (BMI) of less than 19.8 (underweight) should aim to gain 26 to 40 pounds.
Women with a BMI of 19.8 to 26 (normal BMI) should aim to gain 24 to 35 pounds.
Women with a BMI of 26 to 29 (overweight) should aim to gain 15 to 24 pounds.
Women with a BMI greater than 29 (severely overweight) should aim to gain 15 pounds or less.

Things to Keep in Mind During Week 11

If you are considered a high-risk pregnancy, your doctor may recommend cell-free DNA testing to check for chromosomal abnormalities that indicate an increased risk of certain conditions.

Week 12 of Pregnancy

Your baby is officially a little fetus! And even though you can’t feel it, baby will wiggle and squirm if you press on your belly.

Pregnancy Symptoms During Week 12

As promised, your nausea should start subsiding around week 12. That is unless you have hyperemesis gravidarum.
“Hyperemesis gravidarum is due to extremely elevated hCG levels and may also be associated with hyperthyroidism,” says Prince. “Signs and symptoms of hyperemesis include severe nausea and vomiting where women may not be able to hold down water, causing weight loss, dehydration, and electrolyte imbalance.” If you have hyperemesis gravidarum, your doctor will likely recommend lots of fluids to keep you hydrated.”

Week 13 of Pregnancy

You made it, mama! You officially reached the end of the first trimester! Woo hoo! At the end of the first trimester, the risk of miscarriage is less than 1 percent, so it’s the time when most people feel comfortable sharing news of their pregnancy. Still, you can share (or not share) any time you want—your baby, your body, your business!

Pregnancy Symptoms During Week 13

You should be feeling pretty good right about now. The nausea and fatigue of the first trimester should be abating, and you’ll soon be getting a brief reprieve from the water retention that’s causing bloating.

Things to Keep in Mind During Week 13

By week 13, your doctor will probably have already done genetic testing to screen for certain chromosomal abnormalities; your blood will be tested for abnormalities that could indicate conditions like Down syndrome.

Pregnancy Week by Week: The Second Trimester

A few pro tips for the second trimester: From now on, do NOT look at the scale during weekly weigh-ins at the OB’s office, and definitely do not weigh yourself at home (unless your doctor advises you otherwise, of course). On a related note, enjoy looking at your manicured toes while you still can. Also, teach your partner to paint your toenails. It’s a skill they’re definitely going to need.

Week 14 of Pregnancy

Your baby is roughly the size of a lemon, an avocado, or a single scoop of ice cream if you’re into food comparisons. Your doctor, though, does not measure your baby’s growth by digging through their refrigerator. During the first and second trimester, baby’s growth is measured from “crown to rump” using advanced ultrasound imaging.

New Pregnancy Symptoms in Week 14

Sometime during the second trimester, you may notice melasma, a darkening of certain parts of your body like the nipples, face, and abdomen, says Prince. She goes on to explain that “this darkening is due to the increased production of melanin by the placenta.” While there’s not much you can do to prevent melasma, you can mitigate the effects by always wearing sunscreen, which you should be doing anyway!

Week 15 of Pregnancy

Feeling little flutters down low? It might be gas brewing (pregnancy farts are nothing to mess around with, ladies), but it’s probably your baby swimming around! Those little flutters that sort of feel like a bubble popping inside you aren’t visible to the naked eye yet, but they’re signs your baby is happy and healthy.

What’s New in Week 15?

By week 15 or 16, your uterus as expanded up and out of your pelvis, and while co-workers and friends may not notice, you will probably see a very visible (if small) baby bump!

Week 16 of Pregnancy

By week 16, your little fetus can swallow and might even get the occasional case of hiccups (which, by the way, is totally adorable the first time you notice it—but not so much at 40 weeks when you’re trying to sleep).

What’s New in Week 16?

You might start to feel suddenly sexy again in the second trimester as your pregnancy symptoms begin to subside, which is why the second trimester is commonly called the “honeymoon trimester.” Sex during pregnancy is not only totally okay, it’s encouraged. So throw on some John Legend (or whatever floats your sexy boat) and get to it!

Things to Keep in Mind During Week 16

Now is also the time to start planning a babymoon if you want to take one. The second trimester is the best time to plan a trip before baby arrives: You feel great, you’re not huge and uncomfortable yet, and air travel isn’t off limits.

Week 17 of Pregnancy

At week 17, baby is measuring around 5 inches long and weighs about 3 ounces. Around this time, baby also learns to suck his or her thumb (adorable!) in utero.

Things to Keep in Mind in Week 17

Somewhere between 15 and 20 weeks, you’ll have another screening to test for chromosomal abnormalities as well as neural tube defects like spina bifida. A blood panel is usually taken in your doctor’s office and sent to a lab for analysis.

Week 18 of Pregnancy

You’re officially four months pregnant and almost at the halfway point of your pregnancy! Your uterus is roughly the size of a honeydew melon and is sitting just below your belly button.

What’s New in Week 18?

While the sex of your baby was determined at conception by the presence (or lack of) a Y chromosome, that’s now easily identified on an ultrasound scan! But, Prince cautions, “While baby’s [sex] may be identified between 18 and 20 weeks, it does depend on the positioning of the baby, and an ultrasound at this time is not performed solely to find out the baby’s sex but to assess fetal growth and well-being.”

Things to Keep in Mind During Week 18

How do you want to find out the sex of your baby? Do you want to stay #TeamGreen and keep it a secret? Do you want to find out with family and friends at a party? Or would you rather it’s just you, your partner, and the ultrasound tech? Decide how you want to find out before you schedule an anatomy scan so there are no mishaps!

Week 19 of Pregnancy

Baby is slowly morphing from Voldemort into a more human-looking little being, but they’re still very skinny at this stage. Baby won’t start storing fat until the end of the second trimester, so he or she still looks like a tiny (but cute!) Skeletor.

What’s New in Week 19?

Hip and back pain may become your constant companions during the second and third trimester because your center of gravity shifts as you carry increasing weight in the front. Luckily, your doctor can most likely prescribe physical therapy to help alleviate some of the strain, and in between visits you can try these pregnancy stretches to soothe an achy back.

Week 20 of Pregnancy

Most pregnancy apps and books will tell you that at 20 weeks, baby is as big as a banana, even though in week 19, baby was as big as a mango or an heirloom tomato. One of those things is long and skinny whereas the others are round and plump, so what gives? Well, right now, baby is more on the banana side of the scale: long, skinny, and still weighing in at under a pound.

What’s New in Week 20

You’re probably feeling like it’s impossible to get comfortable enough to sleep, and when you do, you may be waking up with terrible leg cramps, which can be caused by poor circulation, not drinking enough water, or even magnesium and potassium deficiencies.
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“To ease leg cramps,” Prince advises, “add magnesium to your diet by eating nuts and add potassium by eating a banana, as well as staying hydrated with water.”

Things to Keep in Mind During Week 20

What’s in a name? Oh, everything! Now that you (probably) know the sex of the baby, you can start trying out baby names. My advice? Try yelling possible names out loud as if you were calling your kid down from across a crowded park. If you can’t say your kid’s name with a straight face, then mark that name off the list ASAP.

Week 21 of Pregnancy

Remember those cute little flutters back in week 15? Well, now it probably feels like your baby is doing interpretive dance in your uterus.
“You may notice fetal movement more at night due to nocturnal nature of the fetus, as well as the fact you also have decreased movement at bedtime, making baby’s movements more noticeable,” Prince explains.

What’s New in Week 21?

During your mid-pregnancy anatomy scan ultrasound (the one in which you usually find out the sex) your doctor will also check the location of the placenta. If your placenta is lying too close to the cervix or covering the cervix completely, you may be diagnosed with a condition known as placenta previa.
Placenta previa is pretty rare (roughly 1 out of every 200 pregnancies), and most women diagnosed with placenta previa early go on to have completely uneventful pregnancies, with the condition correcting itself before the third trimester. If the previa persists in the third trimester, your doctor will likely put you on bed rest, and you may need a c-section when it’s time to deliver to reduce the risk of postpartum complications.

Week 22 of Pregnancy

Finally! Baby’s starting to look like a baby instead of an alien creature using your body as a host. Even though the fetus still weighs less than a pound, baby basically looks like a teeny-tiny newborn with clear facial features and well-formed limbs.

Things to Keep in Mind During Week 22

Now’s a good time to start your baby registry. Talk to veteran moms to get the scoop on which items to purchase and which ones to skip.

Week 23 of Pregnancy

Want to know a secret? Television “newborns” are covered in grape jelly and cream cheese to simulate just being born. In reality, your baby may be born covered in a white, waxy substance called vernix caseosa, which already coats your baby’s skin in the womb. At this point, the vernix is almost completely developed. Vernix protects your baby’s skin and may even have antibacterial properties, which is why most doctors advise delaying bathing newborns for at least 24 hours.

What’s New in Week 23?

You got a brief reprieve from having to pee every five minutes, but now that the weight of your uterus is right above your bladder, you’ll probably have to pee frequently again. Or, you might (okay, probably will) pee on yourself. More than once. Ah, the joys of pregnancy.

Week 24 of Pregnancy

Week 24 is a milestone week. Going forward from this point, if baby were born prematurely, they would have a 50 percent chance of survival, which increases with each passing week.

New Pregnancy Symptoms in Week 24

Did you know there’s such a thing as fake contractions? They’re called Braxton Hicks contractions, and they’re essentially practice contractions to help your body prepare for real labor. Braxton Hicks are typically painless, irregular, and don’t increase in intensity.

Things to Consider During Week 24

Sometime between weeks 24 and 28, you’ll have a glucose tolerance test to check for gestational diabetes, a condition that causes high blood sugar in pregnant women. Gestational diabetes can be managed during pregnancy and usually goes away after birth.

Week 25 of Pregnancy

Baby is growing, growing, growing! Baby has regular waking and sleeping hours and is as big as a head of iceberg lettuce.

New Pregnancy Symptoms in Week 25

Your other organs, like your stomach, get squashed to make room as your uterus expands. All this smushing means one thing: heartburn. If you get occasional heartburn during pregnancy, try to avoid trigger foods like spicy dishes. If you get daily heartburn, talk to your doctor to see if certain medications may work for you.

Things to Keep in Mind During Week 25

Now is a good time to schedule a pregnancy and childbirth class if you haven’t already. Most local YMCAs and hospitals offer these classes free or at a minimal cost. You’ll learn the basics of caring for baby as well as what to expect during labor and delivery.

Week 26 of Pregnancy

By week 26, baby can hear you and your partner’s voices. Don’t feel silly if you want to talk out loud, sing, or read to your baby while he or she is still in the womb. It’s how they’ll recognize your voice when they’re born!

What’s New in Week 26?

So, another scary topic: pre-eclampsia. Pre-eclampsia is a condition that causes extremely high blood pressure in pregnant women. If your blood pressure has been normal throughout your pregnancy but suddenly skyrockets or you experience headaches and swelling in your extremities, call your OB-GYN to get checked out. Pre-eclampsia is a serious but manageable condition, but if it isn’t addressed early, it can lead to other more, severe conditions, like HELLP syndrome.

Things to Keep in Mind During Week 26

Now is a great time to pre-register at the hospital where you’ll be delivering. You’ll fill out all the registration information (that you will definitely not want to fill out when you’re trying to breathe through contractions) and get a tour of the rooms where you’ll be delivering.

Week 27 of Pregnancy

You’re six months pregnant, and you’ve probably gained about 15 to 20 pounds. But it’s all worth it for that little stinker who’s currently using your bladder as a recliner.

Pregnancy Symptoms in Week 27

So, we covered constipation early on, but we didn’t talk about constipation’s best friend, hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids can be ultra painful and can be exacerbated by labor and delivery. If you have hemorrhoids, do NOT be embarrassed to speak to your doctor about treatment. In most cases, hemorrhoids can be treated with a simple cream.

Things to Keep in Mind During Week 27

Now’s a great time to choose your pediatrician, since baby will need to be seen a day or two after hospital discharge. Overwhelmed by the thought of choosing your child’s doctor for the next 18 years? Here are the key questions you need to ask to find a pediatrician you and your baby will love.

Week 28 of Pregnancy

It’s officially the end of the second trimester! Baby currently weighs about 2.5 or 3 pounds and can now see light as it’s filtered through your body.

What’s New in Week 28?

From now on you will have office visits starting every two weeks, instead of just once per month. Additionally, as you enter the third trimester, you can start doing kick counts to monitor your baby’s activity. To do a kick count, lie on your side in a quiet room during a time when your baby is likely to be active. You’ll want to count baby’s movements and record 10 movements within one hour. If baby doesn’t move, try drinking a small glass of juice and try again. If you still don’t feel movement, there’s no need to panic, but you should still let your doctor know so you can get checked out.

Pregnancy Week by Week: The Third Trimester

Here we go! Home stretch! Less than three months to go! You’ll need this wave of enthusiasm to give you a boost when you’re feeling super tired and uncomfortable as your baby and belly continue to grow. During the third trimester, all the focus will be on preparing for labor and delivery as the big day approaches, but don’t forget to take time for self-care.

Week 29 of Pregnancy

By week 29 or 30, your baby is likely in a head-down, birth position and is not likely to flip right side up at this point. Sometimes though, a baby will be breech, or head up.

What’s New in Week 29

Your doctor can tell whether baby is breech by doing an ultrasound or a physical examination. If baby is currently breech, don’t panic! Baby is still relatively small and may spontaneously turn head down on his or her own. Or there are many techniques you can try (with your doctor’s approval, of course!) to coax baby to turn.

Things to Keep in Mind During Week 29

Now that you’re in the third trimester, it is probably a good idea to write down your birth plan if you choose to have one. Having a birth plan can help you work through any pre-birth anxieties you might be having as you plan for all the what-ifs.

Week 30 of Pregnancy

Roughly 10 weeks to go! Baby weighs about 3 pounds, and his or her brain is rapidly developing every day.

Pregnancy Symptoms in Week 30

Remember how your organs are being squashed by your growing uterus? This includes your lungs, which is why you’re probably short of breath after walking up a flight of stairs. Don’t push yourself, and take a break anytime you feel like you need one.

Things to Keep in Mind During Week 30

Week 30 is a good time to start putting together your nursery. Things are stressful enough when bringing home a new baby, so you definitely want to make sure all your essentials (crib, changing table, etc.) are set up well before baby arrives!

Week 31 of Pregnancy

Baby is rapidly developing at week 31 and still has a lot of growing to do over the next nine weeks!

Pregnancy Symptoms During Week 31

Remember all those pregnancy symptoms you thought you left behind in the first trimester? Well, many of them, like frequent urination and fatigue, are back! If you’re feeling tired and just plain down, take a few minutes to yourself and try to meditate. Even just a minute or two can be enough to help!

Week 32 of Pregnancy

Baby is still surrounded by quite a bit of amniotic fluid (about 2 pints), but the amount of amniotic fluid will decrease as baby gets bigger.

Pregnancy Symptoms During Week 32

Did you pee yourself or are you leaking amniotic fluid? Usually amniotic fluid is colorless and odorless and may come out in a trickle or a gush. On the other hand, urine usually smells, well, like urine and is not usually colorless. If you suspect you’re leaking amniotic fluid, call your doctor immediately. This could be a sign of preterm labor.

Pro Pregnancy Tip

“If you suspect that you’re leaking amniotic fluid,” says Prince, “use a pad. If the pad is soaked within one hour, call your OB-GYN.”

Week 33 of Pregnancy

In week 33, baby is putting on his or her finishing touches. You might notice baby is less active these days; that’s because there’s a lot less room in the womb. But you should still be doing daily kick counts to monitor baby’s activity levels.

What’s New in Week 33?

Let’s talk about stretch marks. Some women get them, some don’t, but most doctors agree that there’s little you can do about stretch marks. Still, staying hydrated and keeping your skin extra moisturized may reduce their appearance.

Things To Keep in Mind During Week 33

If you haven’t done so yet, it’s time to pack your hospital bag! Bring along shower supplies, a robe that opens easily for frequent feedings, and a plush towel (because hospital towels are the worst).

Week 34 of Pregnancy

It’s the final countdown! You have six weeks (or less) to go, sister! Baby is rapidly gaining weight and settling deeper into your pelvis to get ready for birth.

What’s New in Week 34?

Braxton Hicks contractions may be occurring more frequently by week 34. As you get closer to your due date, you may even experience false labor contractions, which are a more intense type of Braxton Hicks. With false labor, your contractions may be painful and come regularly but will not increase in intensity and may subside without warning. If you’re experiencing contractions this close to your due date, it’s always a good idea to let your OB know what’s going on.

Week 35 of Pregnancy

Baby’s still growing! You’re still pregnant! Hang in there!

What’s New In Week 35?

“Group B strep is a type of bacteria that can lead to a fatal infection in the baby soon after birth,” Cooper explains. That’s why at around week 35, you’ll probably get a vaginal swab to check for Group B strep. Group B strep is is a bacteria that is found in the vaginas of about a quarter of all healthy women. If you have Group B strep, you’ll be given antibiotics during delivery.

Things to Keep in Mind During Week 35

Your doctor will soon have you come in for weekly cervix checks now that you’re just a few short weeks away from delivery. During a cervix check, your doctor is looking at two things: how much the cervix is dilated and how effaced the cervical membranes are. These checks aren’t usually painful, but they’re not all that pleasant either.

Week 36 of Pregnancy

At this point, your baby is putting on the final pounds to reach his or her birth weight, their brain is still developing like crazy, and they’re typically perfectly content to continue residence in utero.

What’s New in Week 36?

Have you been keeping up with your vaginal discharge during pregnancy? If not, now’s the time to do so. As we mentioned earlier, if you notice a watery discharge, you could be leaking amniotic fluid. But if you notice a mucousy/blood-tinged discharge, that could the be the mucus plug, which protects the opening of the cervix from bacteria. Labor is on the horizon when you lose your mucus plug, though it could still be days or weeks away.

Week 37 of Pregnancy

Baby would probably not have to spend time in the NICU if he or she were born during week 37, but it would still be considered an early term birth.

What’s New in Week 37?

Your doctor may offer to do a membrane sweep in the upcoming weeks to get the labor process started. Membrane stripping isn’t the most pleasant procedure, but you can read more about the risks and benefits here to decide if it’s a good option for you.

Things to Keep in Mind During Week 37

Now’s the time to brush up on what you learned in childbirth class. Practice your breathing and other coping techniques with your birthing partner, and try to relax as you wait for labor to begin. After all, it could be tomorrow—or it could be three to four more weeks!

Week 38 of Pregnancy

Baby’s probably reached his or her birth weight and would officially be considered full-term if born between 38 and 40 weeks.

What’s New in Week 38

You know how Braxton Hicks contractions feel, but do you know what real contractions feel like? Real contractions feel more like intense period cramps that become more frequent and intense as they progress. If you’re having real contractions, start timing their duration and frequency. Typically, you’ll follow a 5-1-1 rule: head to the hospital when contractions are five minutes apart, last one minute each, and continue for at least one hour.

Week 39 of Pregnancy

It’s two weeks until your official due date, and you were probably officially over being pregnant weeks ago. But hang in there, mama: The end is in sight and it won’t be long until you’re soaking up all the baby snuggles you can stand.

Things to Keep in Mind During Week 39

One thing I recommend? Make homemade padsicles to put in your mesh hospital undies when you get home, because they feel heavenly on stitched-up, swollen lady parts post-delivery. To make a padsicle, take a heavy, overnight pad, and saturate it with aloe and witch hazel. Fold it neatly back up, place back in its packaging, and stick in your freezer.

Week 40 of Pregnancy

Pregnancy Symptoms During Week 40

Totally. Over. It. That’s it.

Things to Keep in Mind During Week 40

Pregnancy is a marathon, and you’re at the finish line! You got this, mama!

Weeks 41 and 42 of Pregnancy

What’s New in Weeks 41 and 42?

Oh, did we forget to mention that your baby most likely won’t be born on his or her due date? In fact, in a 2013 study, 41 percent of the women surveyed said their doctors recommended induction since they had gone past their due date. And if you’re a first-time mom, chances are even more likely you’ll still be pregnant past 40 weeks.
Now, while most babies do tend to make their appearance around week 41 if they haven’t already, some like the womb a little too much, and those babies need to GET OUT.
According to Prince, “After 40 weeks, an ultrasound, as well as a non-stress test is likely to be performed to assess fetal well being. Your physician may also begin the discussion about inducing labor if labor is not spontaneous or the ultrasound and non-stress test show decreased fetal well-being and decreased amniotic fluid levels. The good news? Delivery of your baby will definitely be prior to 42 weeks!”

Tags 9/31/18, Publishupdate, search

Favorite Finds Motherhood

24 Underrated Parenting Products That Actually Work

Post author By Lisa Douglas
Post date March 31, 2019

Parenting can be really tough sometimes. The pacing, the lack of sleep, and the seemingly endless loads of laundry that pile up. Add to that the stress of the cost of raising a kid in the 21st century.
According to a report of the U.S. Department of Agriculture, the average middle-income family will spend more than $12,500 per year on child-related expenses. Many of these expenses come from buying products that are supposed to make parenting easier—or your baby happier. Sometimes they’re great…other times they’re not. It’s so frustrating as a parent to spend money on something (and get excited about what it offers) that doesn’t live up to its claim.
Let us help you save time and money! If you’re in the middle of “baby central,” or if you’re preparing for it, here is a list of must-have products (according to other parents) that will put your hard-earned money to good use, because they really work!

1. Sleeping Baby’s Zipadee-Zip

Babies aren’t known for being good sleepers (though if yours is, we’re jealous!). Fix that problem with the sleep sack to end all sleep sacks: the Zipadee-Zip.
https://twitter.com/amorr9/status/1103742913836650496
Promising Review: “Great concept, I love that I can dress baby for a nap and reinforce the “sleep routine ” quickly and without changing her into pjs. Bonus, she doesn’t scratch herself in her sleep anymore.” –Elsie
Get yours here—definitely worth it for nights full of good sleep!

2. NoseFrida’s “The Snotsucker”

This is an absolute must to have on hand. One bad baby cold and you’ll realize the reason why this product is a necessity.

Top 50 Reviewer on Amazon said: “Hands down this is one of the best inventions for babies ever. A friend had one on her baby registry years ago and I thought it sounded disgusting. I bought it (a Nosefrida) and she showed me how it worked. In no way does the snot get anywhere near your mouth, ever. It works so much better than those awful bulb things you can buy from the stores or what the hospital sends you home with.” –Caley G
Pick one up here.

3. Boudreaux’s Butt Paste

If you’ve never seen or experienced [linkbuilder id=”6675″ text=”a baby having”] a bad case of diaper rash, you’re lucky, because it’s just awful—and something that you’ll do anything to avoid ever happening again.
https://twitter.com/martinrickman/status/1070021715395112960
Promising Review: “2oz is the perfect size for my diaper bag. We buy the bigger 4 oz tubes locally but needed travel size. We have only gone through two large tubes so far and my baby is almost 7 months. She would get baddddd diaper rash as a newborn. ” –Rive Reviews (Lone Wolf of 1)
Get a 16-ounce tube here.

4. Oball Classic Ball

This fun plastic play toy is inexpensive and easy for little hands to hold (which strangely enough is not true of a lot of baby toys).
https://twitter.com/finditatfilibi/status/1051378845901680641
Promising Review: It is soft and the open Oball form allows an infant to hold it and explore it. I gave it to my grandson when he was just 3 months old and he loved it. –Mouffette
Get one here.

5. BabyBum Diaper Cream Brush

Baby butt cream works well because it’s thick and doesn’t allow moisture to penetrate. These same properties make getting butt cream off your hands a nightmare. Enter BabyBum Brush!
https://twitter.com/CaseyAcree/status/1117489544335638531
Use this to apply the cream on your baby’s bottom and save yourself hours of scrubbing at the sink.
Promising Review: “I have been a nanny for over 5 years now, and that means I’ve applied diaper cream with my fingers (yuck!) probably hundreds of times. It’s one thing I’ve always hated because the cream would get stuck under my finger nails and I had to spend time washing it out after each diaper change that required cream.” –Brianna
Get it here.

6. Back Seat Mirror by Cozy Greens

Hours of frustration, wails from a child, and hundreds of car “pullovers” were avoided with the invention of this simple tool.

The mirror goes on the back seat so you can see how your baby is doing and baby can see and be comforted by you.
Promising Review: “I was so tired of the mirrors sliding off the headrest every time I took a turn (I have leather seats) and not to mention the mirror cracking after a few months. I finally decided to spend the extra money and get a good quality mirror.” –mamapanda
Get one here.

7. Adan + Anais Baby Muslin Blankets

These are like the SUVs of blankets. They pretty much do it all: swaddle your baby, act as a burp cloth, dry your baby after a bath, or wipe up spit up.

They’re soft yet super absorbent. Throw them in the wash, dry with high heat, and they’re good as new!
Promising Review: “I purchased these three years ago and I’m now just writing a review. Why? I’m still using them and all are holding up so extremely well.” –Redsilas
Get a four-pack here. (Trust us, they’re worth it!).

8. Boppy Pillow

This product is extremely useful, and its function changes as your baby grows older. Moms use it during the infant stage to elevate their baby during breastfeeding.

As the baby grows, it can also act as a support to lie on. Once baby is past 6 months of age, the pillow can prop them up to ensure proper seating (and that the baby doesn’t fall over).
Top Review: “The Boppy is a great all-around, multi use baby pillow. I’ve found that the Brest Friend is better for breast feeding because it fastens around your waist. However, I’m glad to have the traditional Boppy because it’s great for baby to lounge in and for tummy time. The black and white brocade pattern cover is so pretty and has held up really well in the wash as well.” –Super JuJu-Bean
Get one here.

9. Marpac Hushh for Baby Portable White Noise Sound Machine

If you’ve ever tried to get anything done while your baby is sleeping, you know that every noise you make is amplified exponentially.

This portable sound machine provides background noise so that you can move about freely without waking your baby.
Jason on Amazon.com said: “This is one of the best investments I’ve ever made. My neighbors have seven large breed dogs that live outside and bark at everything, this helps me sleep through it. I might get one for my kids too, maybe they’ll sleep in every once in a while…”
Get yours here.

10. Boogie Wipes

Wiping seemingly endless mucus from your baby’s nose can make their tender skin inflamed and raw.

Boogie Wipes are soft and natural, and they clean up baby’s nose without hurting their skin. Don’t use a diaper wipe on baby’s face.
Ann O’Edd had a field day on Amazon by saying: “They do exactly what they are designed to do, remove boogies, and ones that dry out (due to toddler sabotage), can be used as ear plugs to muffle the cries of toddlers as you, cruelly yet gently, remove the boogers the toddler was so deeply and emotionally connected to.” 🙂
Get a three-pack here.

11. Medela Pump In Style Advanced Breast Pump

The biggest problems with pumps are that they’re too big, they’re not strong enough, or there’s only one pump. Medela is the gold standard in breast pumps, and they made themselves a winner with moms with this model.

It’s got varying settings, it’s small and light, and there are two pumps. This is a game changer!
Amazon Customer said “Yes, I own both! I’m a full-time working mom of 2 sweet boys, 2.5 yrs and 6 mos. I purchased the Ameda with my first and used it full time (3x a day, 5 days a week) for 4 months. I purchased the Medela with my second and have used it full time (3x a day, 5 days a week) for 3 months now and still going strong. I have a LOT to say about these pumps, but the bottom line is Medela is far superior.”
Many nursing mothers seem to agree. This pump has an average rating of 4.4/5 with over 1,600 reviews!
Get it here.

12. Dr. Brown’s Baby Bottles

Gas and bubbles are always an issue when you bottle-feed your baby.

The Dr. Brown’s bottle’s ingenious construction has made feeding time so much more manageable—and babies’ bellies happier.
I bought these when my kids were young and I have to say I’ve extremely pleased the lack of air bubbles these bottles create. Less air bubbles = less burping = more happy baby. Though these take a little bit longer to clean, your baby will be a whole lot happier with these bottles.
Get a four-pack of the eight-ounce original bottles here.

13. Munchkin Fresh Food Feeder

Babies can’t eat certain foods because the size or shape of the item might make them choke.

Amazon Customer said “I bought these for my 6 month old and can NOT believe how much better teething is going!”
Not only does this product allow your baby to eat foods that normally wouldn’t be safe, but it also provides hours of entertainment as your baby sucks and plays with their food. (P.S. the clean up is worth it!)
Get two of them here.

14. JJ Cole Car Seat Cover

Onesies, jackets, and blankets are always an issue when you’re trying to transport your baby in a car seat (and trying to keep them warm at the same time).

This showercap-style car seat cover makes traveling easy and comfortable. Plus it’s approved by car seat technicians so you know it’s safe for your little one.
Hollie Golightly on Amazon said: “Love this. keeps baby warm, easy to use. slips on, stays put, doesn’t get in the way. zipper looks more ‘natural’ in real life.. not as gold as the seller photo appears, which was a pleasant surprise.”
Get one in Graphite here. (Other colors available but prices may vary).

15. Boon Lawn Countertop Drying Rack

Bottles and nipples must be fully dried to keep them clean and sanitary, but keeping them upright is always an issue.
This drying rack solves the problem in a cute and fun package!

Boon Lawn Countertop Drying Rack Only $17 (Regularly $25) Awesome Reviews https://t.co/UgjTOGzS5o pic.twitter.com/FMyFLThGJj

— Hip2Save (@Hip2Save) May 25, 2019

Nathan Christie said “This is an excellent drying rack, which fits all types of bottle and pump parts, big or small. The blades of grass are a harder plastic than I was thinking, but they are still flexible enough to fit pretty much any item. You can dry a lot of items on this at once.”
Get it here.

16. Summer Infant SwaddleMe Original Swaddle

Babies love to be swaddled! But we challenge you to find an overwhelmed new parent who can do it effectively and without frustration. If your little one is too young for the Zipadee-Zip, the SwaddleMe is for you.
https://twitter.com/SwaddleMeU/status/1164911678540197891
It’s its ease of use that makes this product so awesome. Its comfy fabric and foolproof swaddling mechanism make even the most sleep-deprived caretaker a pro.
Sharon said: “Honestly, after three babies, there are very few items of baby gear I would say are a ‘must-have.’ This is one of the few.”
Get a three-pack here.

17. WubbaNub Plush Pacifier Toy

Most parents have a love/hate relationship with pacifiers. They’re constantly falling out of a baby’s mouth and onto the floor, which upsets the baby, which upsets the parent.

This smart company figured out that adding a slight weight to the end of a binky helps it stay in the baby’s mouth (keeping everyone happy). Brilliant!
Nicole from Amazon remarked: “I place two of them in her crib at night so if she wakes up and cant fall back asleep, she just finds one, puts it in her mouth, and goes back to bed!”
Get the penguin WubbaNub here—there are several other animals to choose from as well!

18. The Mommy Hook

You’re shopping with your baby, and you’ve got the car seat, the bottle, the blanket, and a ton of toys. There’s just one problem: There’s no room for your stuff.

The Mommy Hook solves this problem and allows you to hang your bag off of the shopping cart so it’s organized and easy to get to.
“I have tested it, and it can strongly hold 8 shopping bags!!” –TaraMichelle.
After a long day at the mall, this will no doubt save those forearms in the long run.
Get one here.

19. Skip Hop Treetop Friends Activity Gym

Parents swear by this because it provides hours of heavenly, distracted playtime for their babies. HOURS.

The great thing about it is the arches and toys can be disconnected if you need a flat mat for just tummy time. It’s great for babies of all ages!
Darya said: “Best Baby Play gym. I love Skip Hop pretty much everything, love the colors, toys, textures, have a lot of Skip Hop toys and baby gear, this little gym is amazing baby enjoys it several time a day since birth, she is 5 months old now and love grabbing toys and shaking them around. ”
Get yours here.

20. Puj Tub

The sink always seems to be the most comfortable and convenient place to bathe a newborn, and the Puj Tub makes doing this often-difficult task a breeze!

Unfold it and hang it flat for easy drying. You’ll never struggle to find a place to store a tub again.
Get one from Amazon here.

21. Baby K’tan Baby Carrier

This wrap-style carrier is a big hit among parents of newborns and babies under one year. It offers the comfort and flexibility that parents love in wrap carriers but avoids the messy, complicated “over” wrapping.

Baby, it's hot outside! Keep yourself & your little one cool with the #Baby K'tan #Breeze Baby #Carrier. Made of 100% natural cotton,but is half jersey knit & half mesh knit. This innovative construction allows the wearer to rotate the mesh baby carrier loops for optimal comfort. pic.twitter.com/EI0CFvgrNS

— Baby K'tan UK (@Baby_Ktan_UK) July 30, 2019

It’s also super portable and easy to throw in a diaper bag or backpack.
Bigslacker said this is “Almost perfect“: “I just received the carrier and simply love it! I wish I had it from day one as it is very helpful in carrying baby at home. My son is 5 weeks old and Baby K’tan works great.”
Get the original from Amazon here. (Multiple sizes and colors are available, but prices may vary.)

22. Ergobaby 360 Baby Carrier

Show us a comfortable baby carrier and we’ll show you happy parents! If you’re in the market for something a little more structured than a wrap, the Ergo is your new best friend.

Looking for a new baby carrier? We absolutely love our Ergobaby Omni 360 – here is why: https://t.co/6T2XZuB3HR #pbloggers #30plusblogs pic.twitter.com/fdTMefF3FF

— Lyndsay and the girls ⚡️ | LGBTQIA+ Family Creator (@Lyndsayandgirls) July 9, 2019

This super padded, super comfy product allows the baby to face both ways and fits moms and dads of differing and heights and weights equally well.
Get one from Amazon here.

23. Infant Optics DXR-8 Video Baby Monitor

The quality of baby monitors can range from just awful to blissful, which can make your life hell or heaven.

The DXR-8 Video Monitor by Infant Optics is the first baby monitor with interchangeable lens technology. Video is streamed real-time to a slim 3.5 inch LCD color display providing a crystal clear image without grainy or pixelated textures.
I only write reviews for products that I, hands down, could not live without…and this is one of them! –Christine
Get one from Amazon here.

24. The Spuni

Spuni has a unique design that promotes the natural latching instinct that a baby develops during breast and bottle feeding.

Spuni is the perfect tool to help your baby transition to solid food.
T. said: “These spoons are the best! We have one in every color. We’ve tried other baby spoons and all of the others were either too wide (hard to get in baby’s mouth) or too deep (food was still in the spoon after each bite). They don’t have high ‘walls’ on the side, so Baby is able to get all of the food out of the spoon.”
Buy one from Amazon here.
Now that you’ve done some research be sure to check out the registry services offered by Amazon, Target and Buy Buy Baby. They will help you to easily organize exactly what you need and exclude what you don’t to make sure you’ll have the essentials.

Tags 3/31/17, 50019401, Commerce, HD, hemingway, parenting, Publishupdate

Conscious Beauty Lifestyle Mindful Parenting Motherhood

How Young Is Too Young For Makeup? From The Lipstick Effect To The Neurosis Of Glamor, There’s A Lot To Consider

Post author By Rachel Murphy
Post date October 18, 2018

Playing dress-up isn’t an uncommon activity for children of all ages, but at what point does playing pretend—and, specifically, applying and wearing makeup—become too adult of a pastime for kids who are still developing both physically and emotionally?
For some parents, that can be a difficult question to ponder, while for others, a definitive answer about how young is too young for makeup is clear.

On the one hand, some will argue that there’s no harm in letting a child wear a little blush around the house or lip gloss to the grocery store. “It’s just for fun,” a parent might say. “It makes my kid happy and doesn’t hurt anyone.”
Others, however, contend that espousing cosmetics for kids sends a negative message about self-worth by putting too much emphasis on outer beauty at too early an age. Followers of this school of thought believe makeup equals over-sexualization and that it can have dangerous long-term effects.
[pullquote align=”center”]Over half of 12- to 14-year-olds use mascara, eyeshadow, eyeliner, and eyebrow pencils. And 45 percent of that same group of children use foundation and concealer products.[/pullquote]
Both arguments have merit, of course, and many will tell you it’s a question with no wrong answers. Still sorting out your own view on the subject? Here’s what two moms and two mental-health professionals have to say.

How young is too young?

A study by marketing intelligence agency Mintel found that 80 percent of 9- to 11-year-olds in the U.S. use some form of beauty and personal care products. More specifically, over half of 12- to 14-year-olds use mascara, eyeshadow, eyeliner, and eyebrow pencils. And 45 percent of that same group of children use foundation and concealer products.

These percentages include both boys and girls in those age ranges. And while most parents are less likely to worry about their sons’ relationships with cosmetic products, the study goes on to note that 69 percent of boys in the same age range use products including facial cleansers, cologne, lip moisturizers, and hair styling mousses, gels, and creams.
Of course, makeup usage tends to elicit more raised eyebrows than cleansers, lip care, and hair styling products, maybe because it’s associated with altering one’s appearance—or maybe because cosmetic products are more gendered than other personal care products.

According to Alan E. Kazdin, Sterling Professor of psychology and professor of child psychiatry at Yale University, there is no magic age at which a child should or should not wear makeup.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Oftentimes in our culture, wearing makeup is used as a way to enhance sex appeal. …I think this is what we fear most as parents about sharing makeup with children.”
—Erick Kenneth French, LCSW[/pullquote]
“There are several factors that dictate when a child begins to wear makeup, including a culture, a parent’s socioeconomic status, a child’s peers—it’s multi-determined,” says Kazdin. “There’s no age that you can say, ‘Okay, buy them everything.’”
This resonates with Erick Kenneth French, a licensed clinical social worker and author of the graphic novel Iphelia: Awakening the Gift of Feeling, who challenges us to consider that “wearing makeup can mean different things in different cultures,” i.e., it’s not necessarily all about selfies and Sephora.
“Having spent time in India and a local Indian community here in St. Louis, I feel that makeup and dress can be worn for spiritually devotional purposes,” he shares. “In many cultures in the east—India, Nepal, Pakistan—wearing eyeliner can be a way of protecting the eyes of a child from the sun, protecting the child from negative spiritual influences such as ‘the evil eye,’ and drawing attention to the eyes rather than just one’s physical form.”

As our communities become increasingly multicultural, it’s worth keeping in mind that our children’s peers will have different experiences with cosmetics that are uniquely influenced by their own families of origin.
“The most important thing to consider when sharing any activity with your children is what you’re being and what you’re teaching them to be when they engage in the activity,” French says. “In the case of makeup, your child’s experience of what you are being when you wear makeup yourself will strongly impact what it means to wear makeup for themselves.”
He also shares an anecdote from his practice that’s apt to stir up a lot of feeling for adults on either side of the fence:

Just the other day, I had couple in my office describing a recurrent argument about this that has escalated over time. The mother was allowing her 6-year-old daughter and a friend who was over to put makeup on. When the husband came home from work and saw them, he felt triggered and threatened to leave his wife if she didn’t have his daughter remove the makeup before leaving the house.

Why is makeup so triggering—even for dads?

“In some subcultures in this country, wearing makeup simply means putting yourself together and being presentable as a woman,” says French. “But oftentimes in our culture, wearing makeup is used as a way to enhance sex appeal and perhaps further objectify oneself so as to increase magnetism and power over others. I think this is what we fear most as parents about sharing makeup with children.”

However a parent feels, Kazdin says it can be a challenge for them to balance their preferences and ideals with a realistic view of how their child will be received by their peers and whatever community they’re being raised in.
Kazdin understands why parents might dig their heels in when it comes to tattoos and piercings, acknowledging that they’re “more enduring in terms of impact,” but says that if a child “wears torn jeans and a punk orange hairdo, a parent should probably yield to that because that style is going to drop off and go away.”

He encourages parents not to take a firm yes or no stance when it comes to children wearing makeup, but rather to find a happy medium that allows them to wear a certain amount of makeup in a controlled environment.
“We are all looking for the fine line of ‘This age is okay to wear makeup’ and ‘This is the age when it’s not okay,’” says Kazdin. “But the parent has to be thoughtful and realistic about it while holding up their standards and helping their kid navigate the pressures of childhood.”

A “Guerilla Feminist” View on Makeup (and Heels)

Katia Grubisic, a mom of two daughters ages 1 and 3, is acutely aware that a child’s view of themselves and how they fit into the outside world starts an early age.
“Gendering is so prevalent and can be so insidious for both girls and boys,” says Grubisic, who is a self-described “guerrilla feminist” mom. “I’d like my children to grow up with an open field that includes both makeup and fire trucks. As long as society is pitching one relentlessly over the other, I try my best to balance the equation.”
[pullquote align=”center”]At least one in five girls ages 8 to 18 has negative feelings about themselves when they are not wearing makeup.[/pullquote]
In Grubisic’s mind, age 13—about the time her daughters will start high school—is when she feels it’s appropriate for them to start wearing makeup in addition to being trusted with other more grown-up privileges, like having a cell phone and taking public transportation alone.
Grubisic, who lives in Montreal, says she wasn’t allowed to wear makeup as a child, and it wasn’t something she pined to do or felt like she was missing out on.
“I always got my bangs curled on photo day, but that was about the extent of girliness,” she says. “I don’t think I quite knew I was a girl, or rather that there were expectations or restrictions [on dress and appearance that had to do with gender] until I was maybe 10.”
Grubisic says she doesn’t keep her daughters from engaging in certain “girly” inclinations here and there. Recently, she was attending a wedding with her daughters when her toddler wanted to wear her heels.

“I explained to her that she could try them on, but that they were made for mommy’s feet,” she says. “Sure enough, she ran around and promptly fell.”
This is the exact style of parenting that Kazdin says is important for the healthy development of young children: letting them learn for themselves without definitively saying no.
“If a child wears makeup in the house, a parent may think it’s all downhill from there,” Kazdin says. “Well, it’s usually quite the opposite of that slippery slope. Once a parent compromises, it makes it easier to control the other situations.”

Taking A More Laid-Back Approach

Mary Sauer, who lives in Missouri, is taking a more laid-back approach to letting her daughters wear makeup. Sauer says she doesn’t remember the first time her daughters, ages 4 and 6, began to play with and wear her cosmetic products.

“They typically wear makeup around the house, but I don’t really make a big deal about it if we happen to go out,” says Sauer, whose daughters really only ever ask to wear lip gloss or eyeshadow. “One time, my daughter asked to wear makeup to church, and I did say no to that, mostly because I was worried about judgment—although when we are out in public and they are wearing makeup, no one has ever said anything to me about it.”
Sauer lets her two daughters explore their feminine side without restrictions.
“My girls have their own nail polish and lip gloss, but they also wear mine occasionally,” she says. “I’m typically involved in the play, mostly because I like my makeup and don’t want it ruined.”
[pullquote align=”center”]“If whatever form of makeup gives you a feeling of being more yourself, then I think it can be a good thing. But really knowing that to be true for one’s self can require a great deal of honesty and introspection.”
—Erick Kenneth French, LCSW[/pullquote]
Kazdin says this type of parental involvement is helpful to the development of young minds—and encourages moms and dads to get in on the fun.
“Maybe the child can put lipstick on the mom as she’s getting dressed one day,” he says. “Yeah, it will all have to be taken off because it will be a mess, but that can be a fun Saturday morning.”
Parents should feel like they can step in and say no to make up if they are concerned, according to Kazdin.

“How they say no is very important,” he says. “Parents should try to accommodate their children’s interest in makeup and find a creative and controlled way to let their child take part in makeup play.”
Sauer says letting her girls dabble in makeup isn’t something she holds in high regard, but she doesn’t feel it’s important to keep her children away from it, either.
“I don’t make a big deal out of it,” says Sauer. “I feel like making it a sacred event that happens at 13 or 16—whatever age—gives makeup way more power.”

Makeup: A threat to self-esteem, or just the boost we need?

Little kids wearing makeup or putting it on mom or dad can be cute, but tweens and teens wearing makeup on the regular can feel like another thing entirely, especially when it involves them emulating (and sometimes even looking like) adults.
Are the impacts of makeup usage at this age really as negative as they can appear? The answer is complicated. In a study conducted by The Renfrew Center Foundation, researchers found that at least one in five girls ages 8 to 18 has negative feelings about themselves when they are not wearing makeup.

Another study published by Harvard University explored the possibility that makeup can impact female students’ performance in the classroom. The study found that participants who wore makeup outperformed those who did not—researchers dubbed this “the lipstick effect.” That said, it’s important to note that participants were college students, not middle or high schoolers.
French says he’s not familiar with these studies but that he is sure some young girls feel better about themselves “because wearing makeup deters any subtle shaming that might come from their culturally conditioned peers.”
“If narcissism and the neurosis of glamor and comparison was not such a predominant force in our culture, then it wouldn’t be a thing,” he says. His thoughts on the lipstick effect? “The answer probably isn’t more makeup.”
“The answer is healing the pervasive anxiety that we have been conditioned with since childhood, which is driving these neuroses,” French says.
“All that said,” he continues, “I think there is also something to be said for caring for yourself and striving to present yourself to the world in a way that accurately represents how you want to be as your true self. If whatever form of makeup gives you a feeling of being more yourself, then I think it can be a good thing. But really knowing that to be true for one’s self can require a great deal of honesty and introspection.”

If a child is curious about makeup play, Kazdin encourages parents to let them explore without scrutinizing their desires. Above all, finding a common ground between parent and child when it comes to when and where the child is allowed to wear makeup will cultivate a healthy and productive discussion. Kazdin says the last thing any parent should do is try to shut down the situation without finding a happy medium.
“See if there is a way to compromise so the situation fits in with your child’s life,” says Kazdin. “There is probably not a 3-year-old group that’s wearing endless makeup, but there are probably very few 18-year-olds who aren’t wearing even just a little mascara. Parents have to be flexible and more sensitive to their individual child—and not be too rigid or come down harshly on the child for their desires to wear makeup and fit in with society.”
Finally, French acknowledges that judgment and comparison can surface for kids and adults alike as families define their values as they relate to makeup, ways of dress, et cetera: “Instilling a family value of non-judgment is always good, but teaching children to pay attention to their feelings so they can be conscious of what they are being is even better.”

“I believe the antidote to judgment or preventing the tendency to shame others”—for example, a peer who wears a lot of makeup or other parents whose makeup rules confound us—“is to really strive to stay honest with one’s self and keep one’s eyes fixed on one’s own struggle.”
He says that when we pay attention to our feelings and focus on maintaining our own overall wellbeing, we are “less likely to project our shortcomings onto others and instead feel compassion and understanding about whatever we perceive another’s confusion or struggle to be.”
Makeup or no makeup, “the key is to be conscious of what you’re striving to be when you dress yourself up,” says French.
Sauer thinks that parents shouldn’t worry so much about what others think.
“At the end of the day, you know your child best and need to do what feels right to you as a parent,” says Sauer. “I think that if you want your kids to have a healthy relationship with makeup, the first step is modeling the same thing. If you’re really uptight about how you look, that is what they are going to pick up on, not the rules you set for them.”

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More Than Mom Motherhood

#IHadAMiscarriage: Ways To Cope And Rituals That Can Help In Grieving The Loss

Post author By Cindy Lamothe
Post date October 18, 2018

“I could barely feel my feet on the ground.”
Jessica Zucker remembers the painful physical and psychological aftermath that accompanied her pregnancy loss at 16 weeks back in 2012. She describes it as an elongated nightmare she was unable to wake from.
“The resulting grief was unfathomable,” the Los Angeles–based psychologist tells HealthyWay.

Last month, singer Carrie Underwood opened up about her own struggle with multiple miscarriages—a subject that’s often treated as taboo by society at large.
Approximately one in five women will have a miscarriage in early pregnancy (typically defined as a loss prior to 20 weeks gestation), and 1 in 100 women will experience a stillbirth each year in the United States. What these numbers don’t account for, however, are those pregnancy losses that go unreported—and that leave behind an indelible mark.
“It is a loss different than any other,” says Talya Knable, a licensed clinical professional counselor from Baltimore. “You are left to grieve this person you never had the chance to meet, but perhaps felt closer to than any other person you have ever known.”

Even after opening up, many are faced with the unbearable burden of learning how to process this singular kind of grief. We’ve reached out to women who were willing to share their stories. Here is what they had to say.

Grieving in Silence

Angela Roeber, a mother who has gone through five miscarriages, vividly recalls the isolation she felt after her first pregnancy loss. One particular moment that stands out for the 39-year-old involves calling her mom crying and telling her about her miscarriage.
“I know I caught her off guard as she didn’t even know I was pregnant,” says the Nebraska resident. But instead of receiving the consolation she craved, Roeber’s experience was normalized. “I remember her telling me, ‘It happens, Angela.’”

“Not really what one would like to hear in the moment,” she admits.
“We don’t hear a lot of people talking openly about miscarriages as we do with other losses in life, and it can make women feel incredibly alone,” says Julie Gurner, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in the greater Philadelphia area.
But even when people do speak out, they can be quickly silenced.
[pullquote align=”center”]“As women, mothers, wives, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. We don’t allow for much grace.”
—Angela Roeber[/pullquote]
“I don’t think my family understands my pain,” Roeber explains. “They haven’t had the same experiences. I don’t think they see it as losing five babies—instead, they see five miscarriages.”
According to Mayra Mendez, PhD, LMFT, a licensed psychotherapist in Santa Monica, California, when a miscarriage occurs, people try not to talk about it. But, she stresses, the loss of a fetus is no less impactful than the loss of any other loved one.
“As women, mothers, wives, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves,” Roeber says. “We don’t allow for much grace.”

Give yourself permission to grieve the loss.

Roeber says she internalized all those years of bottling up, and that it later manifested as seemingly random outbursts.
“I had a lot of anger towards God, and that fury came out to everyone in my family.”
[pullquote align=”center”]“Women often feel that the loss ‘should be’ glossed over or that the intensity of their pain isn’t valid. …Grief is a process that cannot be rushed and must never be diminished.”
—Mayra Mendez, PhD, LMFT[/pullquote]
Knable points out that one of the key factors that may make miscarriages such a singular grief—truly different from any other—is that many women experience this loss prior to most people in their lives knowing that they had something to lose. “It’s important that women take time to emotionally mourn the loss of their baby,” she says.

“Women often feel that the loss ‘should be’ glossed over or that the intensity of their pain isn’t valid,” notes Mendez. But, she explains, “grief is a process that cannot be rushed and must never be diminished.”

Working through grief is a process.

“Grieving the loss of an unborn baby is a complex, multifaceted experience that changes over time and varies from person to person,” Mendez affirms.
Often women put pressure on themselves to be perfectly put together quickly, Gurner adds. “Miscarriages can be a devastating loss—be good to yourself, go easy on yourself, and give yourself the time you need to grieve.”
Here are a few methods for coping, shared by experts and women who have been there:

The Healing Balm of Shared Experiences

A woman who experiences a miscarriage needs support and a safe place to talk about her feelings. It’s important to have a forum to speak freely with trusted people, Mendez insists, and to gain perspective that supports clear thinking and prevents misplaced guilt and blame from taking root.

“It helps when I read other stories from women who have experienced similar events,” says Roeber. “I know they understand, and I know that I am not alone.”

Self-Care for the Mind and Body

Attend to healthy eating and exercise routines, Mendez advises. “Indulge in reading that book that you have been eyeing, go see that movie or play that will free your mind of stress for a while.”

Recovery from the miscarriage will also involve physical self-care, she says, and more importantly, management of emotional health and traumatic stress.

Embracing the Grieving Process

Denying, dismissing, or explaining loss and sadness away impedes grief resolution. This, in turn, can lead to profound and enduring symptoms that may require a higher level of intervention.

According to Mendez, if depression and despair remain as powerful six months after the miscarriage experience as they were when the loss was new, then professional help is necessary. “Unresolved grief can become a more serious condition of depression that calls for treatment.”

Staying Connected

Mendez emphasizes we shouldn’t isolate from our partners and families. Rather, it’s important that we continue to communicate and share our thoughts. “Join forces and use the experience to strengthen and bond the relationship further,” she notes.

“Discuss plans for the future and acknowledge that the grief process is not solely the experience of the woman.” She shares that “men grieve the loss of a baby as well, albeit differently.” Overall, she asks that we keep in mind that working through our grief is a process that will take a great deal of time and reflection.

Ritualizing and Memorializing

For some, participating in a ritual such as creating a memory book, planting a tree, or lighting a candle can be a way of honoring their loss. “A mother’s love can’t be measured in weeks,” says Roeber, who wears a charm bracelet with the birthstones of all the babies she’s lost.

That said, she’s adamant that everyone should find their own way of processing their grief. “No two people are the same, and I am convinced no two situations are the same.”

Finding a voice in the darkness.

Four months after her miscarriage, Zucker lived on pins and needles when she discovered she was pregnant again. She describes it as an exercise “in mind-numbing uncertainty”—an ongoing oscillation between hope and anxiety.
“I was emotionally whiplashed,” she says.
The world seemed lopsided and nonsensical. “I wondered if this traumatic event and my resulting cracked heart would drain the poise out of me for good.”
It was then that Zucker found herself catapulted into what she calls a “new galaxy of empathy.” While she had worked with women for over a decade in her private practice, she discovered a new breadth of understanding from her own lived experience with tragedy.

“I was humbled and honored to suddenly, in a corporeal sense, be able to empirically grasp the profound pain of reproductive loss,” Zucker shares.
Two years after her miscarriage, in 2014, she launched the #IHadAMiscarriage campaign and took her pain to pen in a New York Times essay that reverberated across the country.
Zucker says the act of writing has been a ritual and a central catalyst in her grieving process. “As a psychologist, I feel like I should probably say that therapy was the most helpful part of my healing process, but I really think that I wrote my way back to health.”

That said, she doesn’t dismiss the vital role therapy has played in supporting her process. It provided a much-needed haven for her to fall apart, she says, and to explore the crevices of pain, anxiety, and relational disappointments.
“But as I wrote about my experiences, I found understanding and with it a community.”

#IHadAMiscarriage: A Campaign That Breaks the Silence

This October’s Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, Zucker’s campaign is focusing on rites, rituals, and representation.

“Without standardized rituals, women and families are unsure where to take their pain, how to find peace within it, and sometimes begin to question whether or not they have the ‘right’ to grieve,” says Zucker.
But one thing is for sure, women want to acknowledge their losses, she explains, “and the way they do that—the way they each mother their dead children—is different.” For every grieving parent decorating a gravesite or getting a memorial tattoo, she says, there’s one who prefers not to lend any more tangibility or permanence to their loss.
As part of her goal to inspire women to find meaningful ways to represent their experiences of miscarriage, Zucker highlights the need for our culture to embrace a framework that allows for grieving and honoring ourselves and the babies we’ve lost.
She asserts that in moving away from the antiquated silence whilst moving toward a culture of openness, representing our stories becomes tantamount. “Women want to feel heard; they want to feel seen; they want to feel understood.”

Zucker and Mexico City poet and artist Jessica Lakritz collaborated to stage a breathtaking photoshoot that includes women who’ve experienced miscarriage posing with inspirational poetry written on their skin.
Zucker said this project is part of her efforts to destigmatize speaking out about pregnancy and infant loss.
“The photo and video shoot captured the importance of this by way of expressing on our bodies our reproductive histories,” Zucker says.

“I couldn’t have asked for a more potent salve than that of perfect strangers’ vulnerability,” she added. “Connecting through heartache gave way to hope.”

Replacing Silence With Storytelling

In regard to pregnancy loss, Zucker notes that too many well-meaning strangers and loved ones say things like: “Everything happens for a reason,” “At least you know you can get pregnant,” “Be grateful for what you have,” “God has a plan,” and “At least you weren’t very far along.”
“Unfortunately, we live in a world brimming with platitudes,” she says.
[pullquote align=”center”]“I want women to feel—not just intellectually know—they are not alone and that there is absolutely no shame in loss.”
—Jessica Zucker, PhD, on coping with miscarriage[/pullquote]
“When we are met with comments like these, it can be tempting to shut down or worse,” she adds, “to feel ashamed of our grief.” In addition, women often fall silent in their grief because of how complicated it can be to justify or understand it.
As a way of empowering women, the signs in Zucker’s campaign are free to download from her website so they can be used as grieving families create their own rituals. “I want women to feel—not just intellectually know—they are not alone and that there is absolutely no shame in loss.”

Zucker envisions a future where generations to come won’t struggle with the silence, stigma, and shame that is currently so prevalent in our society. “The less alone we feel in our pain, the sooner we embrace the complexity of grief and perhaps trust that we will at some point emerge.”
“In sharing our stories in this way, we encourage others to do the same,” she emphasizes. “Or at the very least, we convey to women worldwide that they are part of a global community. We are not alone.”

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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

The Cost Of Raising A Child (And How Where You Live Changes The Number)

Post author By Mary Sauer
Post date October 15, 2018

What does having a child a cost? The answer definitely seems to be a loaded one, full of what ifs and questions about where you live, cultural expectations, family values, and more. Even so, researchers have tried to pin down a number, and some compelling results that pertain specifically to U.S. families are published in Expenditures by Families on Children, 2015.
In the report, data gathered from multiple sources on 23,297 married-couple households and 7,030 single-parent households is used to create estimates of money spent on things like housing, food, and childcare. Parents can expect to spend between $12,350 and $14,000 a year on each child, totaling an average of $233,610 over the course of a child’s 17 years at home.

Using the same data, researchers also broke down the cost of raising a child by region, determining that married couples raising children in the urban Northeast could be expected to rack up the highest child-rearing costs. Living in the urban Midwest and rural areas of the country is associated with the lowest child-rearing expenses. The regional aspect of this report proved to be extremely interesting, and we’ve done some digging to provide a closer look at the cost of raising a baby—and how where you live changes the number.

Getting Pregnant and Having a Baby

Without a doubt, one of the first major expenses of having a baby is the price tag of pregnancy and childbirth. Although 91.2 percent of Americans are insured, that leaves a notable number of people without insurance and doesn’t account for excluded services. Uninsured parents in the United States spend around $10,808 on an uncomplicated vaginal delivery, according to reporting by Business Insider UK.

Having insurance doesn’t necessarily spare parents from notable expenses, either. Breaking it down further, Business Insider published numbers provided by FAIR Health. Parents in Alabama have the lowest childbirth-related expenses in the U.S., with the cost of an uninsured birth averaging $9,013.88 and an insured birth costing an average of $4,884.44. Having a cesarean section raises those expenses, of course, with an uninsured c-section costing Alabama residents an average of $12,593.60 and an insured c-section averaging $7,404.07.

States in the Northeast account for many of the highest numbers on the list. For instance, in New Jersey, an uninsured vaginal birth is estimated to cost $16,674.62 and an insured vaginal birth an average of$8,755.88.
For parents dealing with infertility, there are added expenses that can be financially debilitating if you live in certain states. Only 15 states mandate insurance coverage for infertility diagnosis and treatment, according to the National Conference of State Legislature, and some of those states don’t require coverage of all expenses associated with infertility treatments. In New York, for instance, IVF is not considered an insurance-eligible expense.

With only 15 states with laws mandating some kind of coverage for infertility treatments, there are plenty of families who find themselves funding costly infertility treatments completely out-of-pocket, which means becoming a parent can cost a small fortune before baby even arrives.

The Cost of Childcare

Paying for childcare and school expenses is often the next major expense parents worry about, and for good reason. Childcare expenses can quickly dominate a family’s budget.

“Education and childcare for two kids cost us about as much as our mortgage does every month,” shares Jamie Beth Schindler, one of the parents in a two-income family. “I was not prepared for how much of our income was going to go towards these costs.”
A quick glance at the How Does Your State Stack Up? figure provided by the Economic Policy Institute shows that, relative to family income, childcare is the most expensive in the Northeast, with Washington D.C. taking the lead at an average cost of $22,631 for a year of infant care. When considered as a percentage of the median income, that means Washington D.C. parents with median incomes are spending 35.6 percent of their earnings on childcare in their little one’s early years.

These numbers line up with Schindler’s experience. She says she was happy to see her housing expenses decrease when her family moved from Los Angeles to Pennsylvania but shocked to learn childcare would cost her just as much in the Northeast as it had out west.

Comparatively, southern and midwestern states have lower annual childcare costs. The cost of infant care is $6,294 a year in Kentucky, $8,632 in Missouri, and $5,747 in Louisiana. In many of these states, however, childcare still isn’t considered to be affordable because it continues to account for a large percentage of the median family income.

Meeting Basic Needs

When it comes to caring for a child, meeting their basic needs really start to add up. In fact, two of the largest expenses reported by families with children include housing and food, according to the “Expenditures on Children by Families” report.

For the average family, housing accounts for between 26 and 33 percent of what parents spend on their children in a year. The expense varies from region to region, with urban areas in the northeast and west taking the lead when it comes to housing expenses. Rural areas of the country had the lowest housing expenses.
Buying groceries accounts for 18 percent of child-rearing expenses. While it isn’t clear if the cost of feeding a child varies significantly from state to state, one Go Banking Rates article reports that families in the South have the highest grocery expenses, followed by those in the Midwest.

Having kids typically implies having healthcare expenses, too. Even when both parents are healthy, it is important to anticipate and prepare for the expenses of emergency room visits, allergy testing, and braces, says Byron Ellis, a certified financial planner with United Capital Financial Advisers in The Woodlands, Texas.

The Cost of “The Extras”

While it is much more difficult to measure, it’s worth noting that some of the most unexpected expenses that come with childrearing have a lot to do with keeping up with expectations. This seems to be tied less to a region and more to individual communities.

Take, for instance, birthday parties. Thanks to the existence of Pinterest, throwing a party can come with a lot of pressure to execute on elaborate themes—investing in favors, decorations, and games. An informal poll by BabyCenter showed that 25 percent of families spend between $200 and $500 on a single party, while 11 percent of families spent more than $500. Mom of four Chaunie Brusie tells HealthyWay that it isn’t just the cost of throwing parties that caught her off guard, but that buying gifts for the parties her kids attend is also a big expense.

There are also enrichment activities that aren’t included in traditional schooling that inflate the cost of educating the kiddos. These include sporting expenses, music lessons, and swim classes to name a few. Even if your child only participates in one or two after-school activities, the costs quickly multiply.
“I was surprised by the cost of lessons and how quickly they add up, especially when you have two kids,” says Mary Beth Forster. “I signed my daughter up for swimming at something like $75 a month, thinking that was pretty expensive, but it seems average for a weekly class.”

Ellis says it’s keeping up with the expectations of the community you’re in that will have the greatest impact on the cost of being a parent. “If you’re in a community that has really highly rated schools and they’re really proud of the percentage of their students that go to college and they take seriously their scholastic scores…that means the pressure is always on.”

If you intend to raise your family in a community where sports, band, and other extracurriculars are a point of pride, there will likely be extra pressure to enroll your children in afterschool activities, pay for tutors, and foot the bill for travel and cultural experiences, whether you’re paying for private school tuition or not.

Preparing for the Costs of Parenthood

If you are thinking about having a baby, Ellis recommends approaching the discussion of parenting-related expenses as you would any other major financial decision.
“As a family, you need to have a cash reserve,” he says. “That’s money that is there for emergencies or opportunities that come up. Stuff’s going to happen. That’s what a cash reserve is for, to keep you from having to go tap the credit card.”

As far as a concrete amount that families need, it really depends on your month-to-month expenses. To calculate the dollar amount that you need to set aside, add up your expenses for three to six months of living as a couple. Then add in what you expect you’ll need to pay for the added expenses of a child.
“This is hard, depending on your region. Some regions you’ll have more of a need, some you’ll have less,” says Ellis. “I would say unless you really know the numbers, go ahead and add another month to it.”

In addition to preparing for those initial parenting expenses—medical costs associated with labor and delivery, diapers, and childcare—Ellis suggests that parents (or prospective parents) look ahead to the upcoming seasons and budget for the costs they expect to be associated with their new addition beginning school, having a birthday party, and participating in lessons or sports.
When the possibility of growing your family is on the table, it can be hard to set emotions aside, but it is helpful to think about expenses as objectively as possible so you can make wise decisions as you plan for the future of your family.

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Motherhood

7 Traits Kids Get From Their Fathers

Post author By Mary Sauer
Post date October 11, 2018

It was a colleague’s suggestion that led Amanda Gorman, a pediatric nurse practitioner, and her husband, Ryan, to discover that their daughter has familial hypercholesterolemia. A genetic disorder inherited from parents, familial hypercholesterolemia is known for causing early cardiovascular disease. It was a long history of cardiovascular problems in Ryan’s family that initially clued his colleague in to the possibility of a genetic disease in the family.

“We’ve always known that my husband’s risk factors for early cardiovascular disease were likely high, given his family history of early male deaths and cardiac events under age 50. When he was starting treatment for his high cholesterol in his early forties, his colleague, having heard his family history and seen his numbers, suggested he have his children checked for familial hypercholesterolemia,” Amanda explains.
Fortunately, the timing of this suggestion was just right, as Amanda and Ryan’s daughter, who was 3 at a time, was scheduled to have an eye surgery the following week. Knowing she would be sedated, Amanda requested a fasting blood panel in hopes of checking her for symptoms of this genetic disorder. When the tests came back showing elevated cholesterol levels, they knew something was up.
[pullquote align=”center”]“This gene is thought to result in impaired ability to control inflammation.”
—Jen Stagg[/pullquote]
In the end, through extensive testing for her husband, they discovered that Ryan carries familial hypercholesterolemia. Although it is a serious condition with the potential for early cardiovascular events and even premature death, early detection in both father and daughter means they can both live long lives if they adhere to their specific treatment plans. For her husband, this means a healthy lifestyle and a medication regimen, while their daughter is following strict diet until she is old enough to start medication.
Familial hypercholesterolemia is just one condition that children can inherit from their dads. Both mental health conditions and genetic disorders like the one mentioned above are things fathers can pass on to their babies. Curious what else a child can inherit from dear old dad? Here are seven traits kids get from their fathers.

1. The Heart of the Matter

In a similar vein, sons can actually inherit a gene from their fathers that increases their risk of coronary heart disease by 50 percent, according to Jen Stagg, a naturopathic doctor who specializes in helping patients make healthy decisions based on their unique genetic makeups.
“This gene is thought to result in impaired ability to control inflammation, which is critical in preventing the development of plaque in the arteries of the heart,” Stagg explains.

A study led by the University of Leicester supports Stagg’s understanding that coronary artery disease—a condition characterized by a decreased delivery of oxygen to the heart caused by narrowed blood vessels—may be passed from father to son.

2. The Genetics of Mental Health

Although both parents may pass mental health disorders on to their children, there are certain diagnoses that are more likely to be passed from father to child if the father is older, says Stagg. Specifically, children of older fathers with a schizophrenia or attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) diagnosis are at an increased risk of being diagnosed with these conditions themselves.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Fathers are four times more likely to have new mutations in their DNA because they continue to produce new sperm as they age.”
—Jen Stagg[/pullquote]
To clarify, mothers can pass on mental health conditions like schizophrenia, ADHD, or bipolar disorder to their children, but older fathers have a greater likelihood of passing on genetic mutations of all kinds for a very interesting reason.
“Just recently, it was discovered that fathers are four times more likely to have new mutations in their DNA because they continue to produce new sperm as they age. Mothers, on the other hand, have all of their eggs from their birth.”

“This appears to result in more rare genetic diseases in their children, as well as high incidence of neurodevelopmental disorders like autism,” explains Stagg, citing both a study published in JAMA Psychiatry and further research shared by The Guardian.

3. His Daddy’s Smile

Although less serious, children may be at an increased risk of developing problems with their teeth if their father has dealt with certain dental issues.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Genes passed on by father tend to be more active than the same gene from the mother.”
—Jen Stagg[/pullquote]
Tooth size, jaw size, and the shape of teeth are all genetic, and children can inherit these characteristics from either parent, according to research that appeared in the American Journal of Physical Anthropology.
However, Stagg explains why it is believed there is a significant possibility of fathers passing these traits on to their children.

“This is possibly a result of genetic dominance, where genes passed on by [the] father tend to be more active than the same gene from the mother. This may be the case when it comes to genetics related to size of the jaw, which could result in overcrowding of teeth or tooth decay from soft enamel,” Stagg says.

4. The Truth About Infertility

Men who have low sperm quality may turn to in vitro fertilization to help them conceive a child. However, research associated with in vitro fertilization indicates that fathers with sperm issues may be passing their struggles with infertility on to their sons, according to a study published in the journal Human Reproduction.
Specifically, recently published data collected from the oldest group of men who were conceived using intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI, a fertility treatment) indicates that infertility in men is an inherited trait.

This research showed that the men conceived by ICSI were more likely to have low quality sperm, just as their fathers did. This data was compared to sets collected from men conceived without the assistance of fertility treatments, who had much higher sperm counts.
Although further study is necessary, the research indicates that fathers with lower sperm counts could pass their fertility problems on to their sons.

5. Boy or Girl?

On a much lighter note, whether a child is a girl or a boy is actually determined by their father. In fact, the father’s family tree can be used to determine the likelihood of a couple having a girl or a boy, according to a study recently published in Science Daily.

Let’s review something you may or may not remember from your high school science classes: The sex of a baby is determined by the father’s sperm. If the sperm is carrying an X chromosome, it teams up with the mother’s X chromosome and a baby girl is conceived. Alternatively, if the father’s sperm is carrying a Y chromosome, a boy is conceived.
This may be old news to you, but what is particularly interesting is the fact that scientists can now look at a family tree and make an educated guess about the likelihood of a man having a boy or a girl. These researchers hypothesize that a yet-to-be-discovered gene is in charge of determining how X and Y chromosomes are distributed across the father’s sperm.

6. It’s in his eyes.

Let’s be clear, it would definitely be a stretch to say that dad determines the color of the baby’s eyes. The truth is, both of the parents’ genes play a role in the determining if a baby has light or dark eyes. But if a dad has certain traits, it is easier to predict what color eyes his child will have.

Basically, we know that certain eye colors are determined by recessive genes and others by dominant genes. Lighter colors, like blue or green, are caused by recessive genes, whereas brown eyes are caused by dominant genes. This means if both parents have light eyes, there is a much higher likelihood that the child will, too. However, if one parent has dark eyes, there is a much higher likelihood the child’s eyes will be dark, too.
So, in a roundabout way, a dad with dark eyes has a greater influence on the color of his child’s eyes.

7. Towering Over Mom

A quick glance at most families will reveal what most people already assume to be true—kids inherit their height from dad and mom. And yes, height is largely determined by genetics, but the science behind this trait is still being explored, and new research on the topic is fascinating.

A study published in the journal Nature, for instance, was able to nail down 700 different genetic sequences that play a role in determining how tall (or short) a person might be. Additionally, this research found that the vast majority of these sequences were common variants with a small impact on height. In some cases, however, rare variants were influential, accounting for as much as an inch of a study participant’s height.

What to Do if You’re Worried About Genetic History

Parents with a family history of genetic health disorders are right to have concerns about their future children. Eye color and gender are one thing, but knowing a child might inherit an infertility disorder or potentially life-threatening disease like familial hypercholesterolemia is daunting.
[pullquote align=”center”]“A couple can visit with a genetic counselor who can work with them to outline potential cause [for] concern.”
—Jen Stagg[/pullquote]
Educating yourself about your family history if you are able is a good first step before having children. Spend time gathering information from both sides of the family on general health conditions and mental health diagnoses.
Using this information, you should be able to see patterns or notice red flags that you might want to talk through with a doctor.

“Genetic counselors and clinical geneticists are trained healthcare professionals who have expertise in addressing concerns about genetics. If contemplating pregnancy, a couple can visit with a genetic counselor who can work with them to outline potential cause [for] concern,” advises Stagg.

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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Differences By The Pound: Things That Set American Parents Apart From Their UK Counterparts

Post author By Mary Sauer
Post date October 9, 2018

Having spent much of her life moving between her birthplace, Britain, and the United States, Lauren Cross has had plenty of opportunities to compare British and American parenting styles.
When she thinks of her childhood and how many British children are parented, the phrase “stiff upper lip” comes to mind. The idiom has been used to describe how British people have a reputation for handling upheaval with an emotionally distant or disconnected attitude.
There is also “Keep Calm and Carry On,” a slogan of sorts that debuted on a poster produced during World War II to boost citizen morale. Although the poster was never widely circulated during the war, other posters embodying the same sentiment were, including one that read “Your Courage, Your Cheerfulness, Your Resolution will Bring Us Victory.”

“I think that definitely influenced parenting styles,” says Cross. “My parents are very loving—I didn’t want for anything—but they certainly weren’t, from my childhood perspective, merely weren’t … as indulgent as my American peers’ [parents].”
Cross provides an example from her own childhood that she feels embodies slight differences in how British children are parented.
She was spending time with a friend, who was also named Lauren, and they were each working on a drawing. As many children might, Cross asked her friend’s mother which of the two pictures she liked the best.

“Had it been my mother, she would have just picked her favorite choice,” says Cross. “The other Lauren’s mother kind of looked at me and said in this very saccharine voice, ‘Well, I’m going to have to choose my daughters as my favorite.’”
At the time, Cross felt like it was a simple enough question and didn’t understand why the mother couldn’t just choose the better picture. As a child, she also felt her American friends were disciplined less and had more toys. She even remembers her mom complaining that some of her American friends were spoiled.

If you've ever gone to a foreign country and come back to the US you never realize how fortunate you are. American Kids are spoiled.

— D / V E T Ǝ S H (@TheRealTesh) January 30, 2011

What other differences exist between British and American parenting styles, and how have these differences evolved? Carry on reading for more surprising differences between British and American parenting.

Keep calm and carry on.

In addition to parenting with “a stiff upper lip,” there are more subtle differences between British and American families.
Many believe that British children have more freedom. Lynn Adamson raised her children in the UK but visited her mother in New Jersey regularly. She noticed a big difference in how much time children spend outside.
“If you drove around the roads near [my mother’s New Jersey home], you never saw children out, not even on their own land,” she tells HealthyWay. “I rarely saw even older children wandering around the town on their own…and cannot recall ever seeing a child on a cycle.”

Clara Wiggins, who lives in the UK, agrees that British parents do seem a little more relaxed about independent outdoor play.
“My 10-year-old plays outside on her own, walks to a friend’s house alone—about a five-minute walk from my home and out of my sight—and walks to school alone,” she says. “We tend to not follow our kids around too much at the park, preferring to spend the time chatting with other parents and watching from afar.”
Cross also had an incredible amount of freedom as a child, walking to the corner store as early as 7 years old.

This more laid-back parenting style may have some generational ties. The three women mentioned above noted that just as American parents have become more cautious about unsupervised, outside play, British parents aren’t as relaxed as they once were.
Another subtle difference is how parents feel about spanking. In 2012, 70 percent of American parents indicated that they believe that “a good, hard spanking” is more than appropriate in some instances, according to research published by Brookings. It is also legal to use corporal punishment in the home in the United States.
Comparatively, the attitude about spanking is much different in the UK.

“Spanking or smacking is not acceptable at all over here,” says Laura Hall, who is from the UK and authored the recently-published book One Day, So Many Ways. “It’s the occasion when a busybody might call the police on you. We see it as child abuse.”
This is another parenting principle that may have some generational ties, with both American and British parents becoming less supportive of physical punishment in the home. The biggest difference, though, may exist in the legality of spanking.
Whether spanking is legal in the UK is not clearly defined, but there are laws in place. According to The Sun, smacking is illegal unless it is “reasonable punishment,” which seems to leave a lot of room for personal interpretation of the law. In American, on the other hand, the use of corporal punishment is still legal in all 50 states if “administered” in the home. It’s also legal in school settings in 22 American states.

The being said, British parents definitely don’t consider themselves to be lax about discipline. They may not be as likely to employ spanking, but most aim to create clear boundaries for the kids. One common household disciplinary technique is “the naughty step,” according to Hall. Popularized by The Supernanny, it’s a designated place in the home (like a step on the stairs) where children are put in timeout if they are disobedient.

Is parenting in Britain easier?

When we focus on parenting differences, either from family to family or culture to culture, it is easy to zero in on the choices parents make. What is more helpful, perhaps, is taking a larger look at the systems that exist to support parents and how differences in these systems affect the family dynamic.

When we look at the United States and the UK, the differences parents face begin from the moment they become pregnant, starting with access to healthcare. In the UK, the National Health Service provides free healthcare to all UK that is funded through taxes. In the United States, however, only a limited group of individuals qualify for subsidized or free healthcare through Medicaid and Medicare.
Once a child is born, mothers have vastly different maternity leave experiences.
“Currently, the law is that statutory maternity leave can be taken for up to 52 weeks,” explains Adamson about policy in the UK. “After the first 26 weeks, the father of the child (or the mother’s partner) has the right to take up to 26 weeks’ leave if their partner returns to work, in effect taking the place of the mother at home.”

In the United States, companies are only required by law to provide 12 weeks of leave under FMLA to new mothers. Mothers in Britain also receive some amount of wages during the maternity for up to 39 weeks, while paid maternity leave is not regulated in the United States and is offered by a very small number of companies.

Differences in Education

There are also notable differences between how children are educated in the UK versus how we approach education in the United States. While the laws vary from state to state, many states do not require full-time education for children until they reach the age of 7. Of course, many children living in the United States are in school long before then, but if parents in the United States wish to delay their child’s education, they can.
In Britain, however, the law requires all children to be in a full-time educational program by the age of 5.

It is also worth noting that parents in the UK have access to free education earlier than parents in the U.S. In the United States, school districts aren’t required to provide free education to children until they reach the age of 5. In the UK, however, from the age of three, parents can take advantage of 570 hours of free nursery school each year, which averages out to about 15 hours a week.
Additionally, for UK households where both parents work full-time, there is an option to apply for another 15 hours a week of free nursery school. For full-time working parents, it’s easy to see how these could greatly subsidize the cost of putting one or more children in care.

Once children are enrolled in school, how do their educational experiences differ? Children in the United States spend far more time in school, with their time in the classroom totaling over 1,000 hours a year on average according to data from the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development presented by HelpMeInvestigate.com. English students, by comparison, have shorter school days. Elementary school students there typically spend fewer than 700 hours in the classroom annually according to the same resource.

massive shout out to after school friday melt downs

— Luke FM Solomon (@lukesolomon) September 16, 2016

What does this mean for parents? Well, on the one hand, more time in school might make for kids who are burnt out and cranky at the end of the day, making extracurricular activities, dinner, baths, and bedtime that much more challenging. Less time in school, however, may mean working parents need to arrange (and pay for) more alternative care on weekdays before and after school.

Another stark difference between UK and U.S. education systems has to do what children wearing to school. In the UK, 90 percent of school-aged children are required to wear a uniform to school, according to The Guardian. In the United States, children enrolled in public school typically do not wear uniforms. For U.S. parents, this can mean more stressful shopping and outfit-negotiating experiences that aren’t as common on school days in the UK.

Finding Common Ground

Although many differences do exist between British and American parents, we also share a lot of similarities. In both countries, modern parents are dealing with a lot of the same struggles pertaining to monitoring screen time, controlling over-indulgence, and addressing childhood diabetes, according to Hall.
And further, parents in both countries are working to make the best decisions for their children and their families, whether that means finding more time for activities as a family or learning to handle the busyness of being a two-working-parent household.

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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Gaming The System: Do You Know What Your Kids Are Playing?

Post author By Rachel Murphy
Post date October 8, 2018

According to a recent study by childcare.co.uk, more than half of parents allow their children to play video games intended for adults 18 years of age or older, while nearly 90 percent of those surveyed reported that they don’t follow the suggested age limits posted on video game packaging.
These results should not necessarily come as a surprise considering the sheer volume of games sold in recent years; 2013’s Grand Theft Auto V, for example, sold some 95 million copies and has earned about $6 billion, making it one of the top-selling games of all time and one of the highest-grossing entertainment products.

However, the aforementioned study and others like it still raise important points, not only about exposure to adult video games, but also about the safeguards taken to protect vulnerable children online in general.
In an increasingly digital age where YouTube, Netflix, and their ilk are more accessible—and kids are more attached to their devices—than ever, it’s important to know how (and to whom) adult content is marketed, as well as the long-term effect it might have on the millions of young kids who watch, listen to, and play it.

How much do video game guidelines matter?

Lisa Sarafidis’ two sons, ages 7 and 11, play popular video games like Minecraft and Fortnite, sports video games such as Madden, and one of the top-selling video game franchises: Call of Duty.

“When my older son was younger, I did monitor their content and have a lot of rules. But then he started playing with older neighbor children, and it was easier to keep him occupied that way,” said Sarafidis, who lives in Bethesda, Maryland. “With my 7-year-old, I let them play games rated T for Teen, but I say no games that are rated M for Mature.”
[pullquote align=”center”]“Age guidelines are a good starting place. There’s no reason not to follow the suggestions, but there’s no substitute for a parent’s own judgment.”
—Scot Osterweil, creative director of the Education Arcade, on children’s media consumption[/pullquote]
A study from Iowa State University found that video game ratings can work if parents use them. According to the study, nearly every video game sold or downloaded came with an age-appropriate guideline rating. The study found that the guidelines are effective when parents use the recommendations to choose games that are best-suited for the age of their child.

Scot Osterweil, creative director of the Education Arcade and a research director in the Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s Comparative Media Studies/Writing Program, says that video game ratings are a good barometer for parents to follow if they are unsure about the appropriateness of the game at hand. Osterweil is an advocate for letting children explore their imaginative playtime—including time spent playing video games.
“Age guidelines are a good starting place. There’s no reason not to follow the suggestions,” he says. “But there’s no substitute for a parent’s own judgment.” He advises parents to start with those ratings, but stay involved to find out whether or not they agree with them.

Continuing the conversation and keeping the lines of communication open when it comes to content and kids is key, according to Osterweil.

Should you be worried about violent video games?

Staying engaged in the content kids consume is necessary, but Osterweil recommends doing so at a distance. The types of video games kids are playing isn’t as big of a deal as you might think, either.

“Generally speaking, parents should be involved with their kids’ lives. Although, I don’t believe in parents micromanaging their kids’ play lives,” he says. “Play—including video games—is a way in which kids explore the world and they need to be free to follow their own impulses and imaginations so that they can fail and come up with their own general outlook on the world.”
According to a study conducted by researchers at the University of York in the United Kingdom, there is no link between violent video games and a child’s behavior. Osterweil is quick to point out that play has always been somewhat violent even in the absence of video games—think childhood fantasies of slaying dragons or killing monsters.

“In adult literature, we regard tragedy as one of the highest forms of literature, and a lot of tragedy is quite violent,” he says. “Violence in literature has always been a way of struggling with human conflict and video games are, in that sense, no different from the films and literature that have come before them.”

Stay engaged—with all types of content consumed by kids.

In Ramsey Hootman’s household, video games reign supreme. Hootman’s husband is a senior software engineer in the video game industry, and her family even subscribes to Gamefly. Gamefly is a subscription-based video game rental service that allows users to try out different video games without paying full price. It’s similar to Netflix’s DVD subscription service.

Her children, ages 5 and 8, like to wake up early and play video games such as Minecraft, Yokai Watch, Mario Maker, Yoshi’s Woolly World, and Splatoon.
“If they’re quiet, they’re allowed to play for about an hour in the morning when they get up while my husband and I shower and get breakfast ready during the week,” she says. “Weekends are ‘free’ screen time, but the kids are expected to prioritize family time and activities.”

According to the U.S. National Library of Medicine, most children in the U.S. spend an average of five to seven hours a day watching TV, using tablets, playing videos games, and other types of screen time. Researchers note that too much screen time can make it hard for your child to sleep at night and increase chances of obesity, as well as put them at risk for attention problems, anxiety, and depression.
Experts recommend limiting screen time to one to two hours a day for children over the age of 2—and no screen time for children under the age of 2.

“They may get more screen time during the week, but it’s at my discretion and they are often required to earn it somehow,” says Hootman.
In Hootman’s opinion, video games can be used as a motivation tool to teach her children anything—from potty-training to reading.
“I literally potty-trained my older son when he was 2 because I let him play Angry Birds whenever he was sitting on the toilet,” says Hootman, who also grants screen time in exchange for reading lessons. The trade-off was worth it for her children. She says they both started kindergarten already knowing how to read. Although Hootman uses video games as a negotiating tool, she does monitor the types of content her kids are viewing on a regular basis—at least when they’re at home.
[pullquote align=”center”]“I’m trying to parent children who will one day become adults capable of making good choices, and the only way I can do that is allow them safe opportunities to make their own choices, fail, and learn from those failures.”
—Ramsey Hootman, mother of two[/pullquote]
When it comes to TV versus video games, Sarafidis also feels there are positive effects from video games. She would much rather her sons play video games than veg out in front of the tube. She doesn’t feel that video games lead to violence in at all—except for maybe the occasional grumblings over who gets the video controller, she jokes.
“Video games are more engaging than just staring at a television,” says Sarafidis, who encourages setting time limits if video games become a problem for a child. “I try and make sure that my kids are also active outside, but I think video games can be a good way for them to relax and hang out with friends.”

Should you monitor content on playdates?

Sarafidis and Hootman do not monitor content when their kids are over at a friend’s house.
“I view my kids’ time away from me as their opportunity to experiment and exercise the values I have taught them or choose not to,” says Hootman. “I’m trying to parent children who will one day become adults capable of making good choices, and the only way I can do that is allow them safe opportunities to make their own choices, fail, and learn from those failures.”

Hootman puts her full trust in her children when they are at a friend’s house when it comes to content.
“It’s up to them whether they want to join in or not,” she says. “They are very aware that other people have other rules and standards, and they know they can always come to me to discuss anything they don’t understand.”

That’s not to say that Hootman isn’t an advocate for monitoring content. She and her husband have established several rules in their home when it comes to playing video games.
“We do not allow them to play anything that allows them to connect with strangers on the internet,” says Hootman, referring to in-game text chats and audio communication.
[pullquote align=”center”]“The challenge for all parents is to always acknowledge that by the time their kids are 14 or 15, they are on the path to adulthood and we can’t exercise the same control we did when they were 5 or 6.”
—Scot Osterweil, creative director of the Education Arcade[/pullquote]
Recently, Hootman began allowing her 8-year-old son to play “limited contact” in multiplayer mode. For the most part, her children make it easy on her.
“We don’t have to monitor content much since our kids are really only interested in kid-oriented stuff anyway,” she says. “But at this point, we don’t let them play or watch anything with realistic people killing or maiming other people.”

Osterweil feels it’s important to allow children the freedom to make their own decisions outside of the home based on the guidance they have received from their parents, saying it’s a crucial step to preparing a child for adulthood.
“The challenge for all parents is to always acknowledge that by the time their kids are 14 or 15, they are on the path to adulthood and we can’t exercise the same control we did when they were 5 or 6,” says Osterweil, who has grown children of his own. “The only way they are going to become healthy, functioning adults is by learning from the choices they make. Authority tends to be better exercised through conversation and reason than fiat and censorship.”

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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Books, Advice, Or Just Wing It? Responsibly Parenting In A Culture Obsessed With Perfection

Post author By Mary Sauer
Post date October 8, 2018

I read surprisingly few parenting books during my first pregnancy. There was something in me that felt like I was probably going to be okay. I believed that since my mom had done a pretty job raising four kids, I had a pretty good idea of what I was supposed to do.

Randomly, near the end of my pregnancy, a friend of mine suggested that I give a book on baby sleep a try. She swore it changed everything for her, and her suggesting the book brought up doubts that I might not actually know what I was doing. I didn’t really have much of a plan for getting my kids to sleep each night, so maybe I should give it a shot.
I read a chapter or two before giving birth and then devoured the rest over the course of a day while nursing my newborn around the clock. This books made some pretty attractive promises centered around me getting the sleep I was desperate for a few days into motherhood.

The book, Babywise, is a pretty controversial book in the parenting world. It suggests rigorous sleep training techniques that you typically love or hate. I’m not here to stir up a fight on sleep training, so I’ll leave it at this: I knew in my gut that this book wasn’t a fit for my family. Nonetheless, I powered through the methods for two nights before my husband finally suggested we call it quits.
This was my first of many experiences feeling like the parenting advice I was reading or hearing was asking me to question [linkbuilder id=”6870″ text=”parenting practices”] that came naturally to me. It’s not that I’m some amazing parenting expert, I’m just a regular mom. The longer I am a parent and exposed to “parenting culture,” the more it feels like parents are obsessed with being perfect and that the advice given follows suit.

Like Oliver Burkeman, writer for The Guardian, I take issue with the extremes presented by so many parenting books. On top of that, I simply didn’t get how any one method could work for all children or all parents. Parenting three kids has taught me this couldn’t possibly be true.

Who knows how to parent?

Parenting books can provide confidence for nervous or anxious parents. I know, because I have turned to them during seasons of struggle. When we turn to parenting books, we’re typically looking for advice on how to parent well. Maybe a book was forced on us by a friend or perhaps we sought out a book because we had a specific fear or concern about being a mom or dad.

Whatever our reasons, we want answers from someone who knows their stuff, right? Unfortunately, we might be too trusting of who claims to be a parenting expert, turning to books based on their position on the bestseller list instead of their authors’ credentials.
Authors of parenting books should be experts in a child development, which means they should probably be trained a child psychologist, child psychiatrist, or have some kind of postgraduate education specifically focused on child development, according to Owen Muir, MD, child psychiatrist and medical director at Brooklyn Minds, a concierge mental health treatment center in Brooklyn.

“If you can find a single parenting book written by a child psychiatrist, you’re doing pretty well,” Muir says. Specifically, he notes that even pediatricians, who are experts in the medical side of childcare like screening for conditions or administering vaccines, aren’t great sources of “expert” parenting advice simply because they don’t have postgraduate education in child development.
“In child psychiatry training, you actually spend time in nurseries,” he says in providing a comparison. “A lot of the parenting advice comes from people who … don’t really have expertise how young people develop their ability to talk about thoughts and feelings or their ability to learn.”

Unfortunately, many psychologists or psychiatrists with specialized training in child development don’t step in and write a book until something is wrong, meaning they focus in on helping parents with exceptional circumstances such as caring for a child with special needs, mental health problems, or trauma in their past, according to Muir. This leaves parents with raising typically developing children in a typical environment with a smaller library of well-written books at their disposal.

The Problem with Extremes

Outside of carefully checking the credentials of the authors of any parenting advice books you read, it’s also important to take the content into consideration. The author being an expert doesn’t automatically qualify a book as a good fit for your family. Parenting books, and self-help books in general, tend to use extremes to get their point across and get their books sold.

“When you’re trying to win at having the book that’s bought by the most people, you’re often trying to catch the most eyes, and sometimes that results in advice that’s flashy but there’s not a lot of substance there,” says Shane Gregory Owens, PhD, a psychologist who works with parents and young adults.
The problem with extremes in general is that they’re actually not a great way to parent or to raise well-adjusted kids. When parents are extreme, kids learn to be extreme, too, according to Muir. Take attachment parenting, which Burkemen mentions in his article and Muir brings up as an example of extreme parenting practices.

According to the organization’s website, attachment parenting is based on the idea that parents and children can build healthy bonds through very specific parenting practices. At face value, that sounds pretty mild. When you dig deeper into the values, there are specific principles promoting co-sleeping, breastfeeding with very little flexibility or structure, and discouraging allowing the baby to cry at any point.
In Muir’s mind, parenting practices that avoid parent-child separation to such an extreme degree actually contradict what secure attachment is about—a child’s ability to feel secure in a world that isn’t always predictable and where their wants and needs aren’t constantly the main focus.

“You want children who are flexible, who can handle challenges, who can handle new experiences, and who can meet new people in their life and engage with them healthfully and not full of terror,” he says.

Lead with what you know; ask questions about the rest.

So, should parents avoid parenting advice books altogether? Hardly. Instead, parents should be careful about why they seek out parenting books, how they read them and apply the advice, and what they use that advice to accomplish.

According to Owens, for most parents, parenting well can begin from a place of starting with what you know and filling in the rest.
“You were brought up by your parents, and if you were brought up successfully, you already have a set of tools that you can bring to things,” he says. Then, as you run into things you don’t feel certain about or that you have questions about, move on to asking for advice from people within your circle. Turn to family or friends before turning to books.

At this point, if you still have unanswered questions, parenting books are great for filling in the gaps. As you start looking for books and experts, keep a few things in mind.
Firstly, remember there is no one answer for parenting well.
“Audition many books, stay away from the notion that any book has the right answers in it,” says Owens. “There few absolutes when it comes to parenting. There are few things that absolutely are right and few things that are absolutely wrong.”

Follow the advice in these books with the understanding that following any set of advice at all times isn’t realistic. Overly prescriptive parenting books, books full of lists of shoulds and shouldn’ts, set unrealistic expectations for parents, according to Owens.
Additionally, trust your knowledge of your child and your ability to respond to their needs. Parenting books can be helpful, but they can also overcomplicate what we already know about kids—they respond well to positive attention and positive feedback. For most parents, according to Muir, this means doing the things that already come naturally to us like responding with empathy to their emotions.

“If it sounds outlandish or counterintuitive, it probably is,” says Muir. “None of this is particularly rocket science: Pay attention to your kids. If they’re sad, recognize that.”
Lastly, and maybe most importantly, remember that children do not need perfect parents. You’re probably already a good enough parent. Researchers point this out in an article for Disease in Childhood, writing that the vast majority of parents are doing a satisfactory job while prescribing more intensive intervention for the minority of parents who are truly struggling.

In fact, most kids respond pretty darn well to parents who are just doing okay. Parents who are not on point 100 percent of the time, who do not always understand exactly what their child needs, actually teach their children really important lessons for emotional development. They learn flexibility and they learn to consider the possibility of misunderstandings, according to Muir.
Catherine Pearlman, PhD, licensed social worker and author of Ignore It!: How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavior Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction is a big proponent of good enough parenting and shares in an essay for for Brightly that imperfect parenting also builds independence in children, teaching them to be resourceful as they deal with disappointments in life.

For me, and for parents everywhere, this is permission to feel confident in our abilities and confident in our children, believing that we have the skills to meet their needs and they have the ability to adapt, even when we miss the mark.

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