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More Than Mom Motherhood

The 5-Minute Postpartum Skincare Routine All New Moms Need

Bye, bye, pregnancy glow. I hardly knew you.
There are so many things no one tells you about how your postpartum body will look and feel. Even after you’ve lost the pregnancy weight, your midsection will probably look like a blob of dough. Your hair will likely fall out by the handfuls in the shower, even though you’ve been promised by your doctor and hair stylist this is only temporary (it is). But worst of all, no one told you about the resurgence of teenage acne. No one warned you about having skin that is somehow both dry and oily at the same time. And what about all the other skin issues that rear their ugly heads post-pregnancy?
If all this has got you feeling more like a zombie extra on The Walking Dead and less like your usual gorgeous self, we’ve got you covered. You may not think you have a moment to spare for yourself, but this five-minute postpartum skincare routine is so easy you can squeeze it in between a feeding session and tummy time without missing one minute with your sweet (but exhausting) munchkin.

Back to Basics

Fayne Frey, MD and creator of the educational skincare site FryFace, explains why it’s so important we pay attention to our skin: “The skin is an organ. It protects the body from outside elements like bacteria, fungus, allergens, and the damaging effects of ultraviolet light.”
Even if you aren’t wearing makeup as you’re holed up in your house with a newborn, you still need to give your face some love.
So how should you care for your skin? Frey advises getting back to basics with a simple three-step routine.
[sol title=”Act like you’re in a Neutrogena commercial.” subheader=”Lights, camera, glowing skin!”]
Okay, so I did actually try this once and made a horrible mess everywhere. But you should start your new routine by washing your face with a gentle cleanser to get rid of the baby food, makeup, and other residue that has accumulated since your last shower—whenever that was.
I don’t know how it’s possible, but I have skin that’s both oily and dry, which is almost impossible to deal with. My favorite cleanser is Clinique’s Take The Day Off, which is a balm gentle enough for all skin types. You can rub it on dry skin for a minute or two and wipe it off with a wet washcloth.


[sol title=”Stay hydrated.” subheader=”Trade the baby bottle for a water bottle (and gel hydration).”]
To maintain healthy skin, it’s important to stay hydrated. This means drinking lots of water during the day and hydrating your skin with a good moisturizer. Frey says, “When the skin is hydrated it functions optimally. Skin is always losing water into the environment, and studies show that it does so even more during pregnancy and shortly thereafter.”
No matter your skin type, you still need to use a moisturizer after every cleansing sesh (ideally twice a day) to keep your skin balanced.
This non-oily gel cream from Laneige is great for oily, combination, and normal skin that needs hydration. On the other hand, if your postpartum skin is feeling tight and dry, try out Peter Thomas Roth’s Water Drench cream, which contains hyaluronic acid for optimum skin hydration.


[sol title=”Protect your skin.” subheader=”SPF isn’t just for baby.”]
“Ultraviolet light is the single most damaging influence on our skin, before and after childbirth,” says Frey. It’s important to finish up your skincare routine by applying sunblock liberally, even if you’re only outside for a few minutes each day. Adding sunscreen to your everyday skincare routine will ensure that you wear it daily, not just when you’re headed to the beach.
Sunscreens can be notoriously pore-clogging, though, so make sure you choose a sunscreen that is specially formulated for the sensitive skin on your face and neck. I like the Supergoop! Unseen Sunscreen. The formula feels weightless and at SPF 40 with broad-spectrum protection, using it every morning sets my mind at ease. (FYI: Chemical sunscreens like this one should be applied before your moisturizer!)

Bonus Step: Throw in a little extra.

While your five-minute skincare routine is complete once you’ve cleansed, moisturized, and applied sunblock, if you have a few extra minutes (it’ll happen one day, we promise!), consider applying a hydrating face mask once a week.
I like to apply mine after baby goes down for a morning nap, while I’m still in my robe and slippers. I pop on a mask for 20 minutes, heat up my cold coffee, and turn on my favorite podcast.
It’s as close to a spa day as I’ll get anytime soon, but you know what? Knowing I’m intentionally creating time for myself is just as refreshing.

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Motherhood

7 Age-Old Breastfeeding Myths And Why They're Wrong

The first time someone in my family suggested I should give my second baby a bottle, I took it personally. My baby wasn’t sleeping much at night, so I found myself breastfeeding around the clock. I had brought it up not because I was looking for advice, but because I just wanted to vent about how desperately tired I was.
“Maybe she’s hungry,” they suggested to me casually. My stomach dropped when they said it. How dare they suggest I’m not doing a good job feeding my baby. I, somewhat shortly, told them I didn’t see any reason to switch to formula and ended the conversation.
Since then, I’ve heard that advice more times than I can count. Although I have come to accept that my babies just don’t seem to sleep soundly, there have been people in my life who have felt like it was breastfeeding that was the problem. They seemed to believe that if I really wanted to get more sleep, I needed to give up on breastfeeding altogether.
Breastfeeding is an interesting experience in that it is so different from mom to mom, child to child. Despite the ample amount of information on the internet, there are a lot of misconceptions about the practice that are still hanging on for dear life. Some believe that breastfeeding moms don’t sleep, while others believe that breastfeeding is the only option. Let’s clear up these myths once and for all.

Myth: Breastfed babies don’t sleep.

As it turns out, this commonly-held belief about breastfeeding is a big misunderstanding. Moms who choose to nurse their baby don’t actually sleep a lot less—they actually sleep more than moms who formula-feed, according to a study published in The Journal of Perinatal & Neonatal Nursing.
“Breast milk is perfectly designed for our babies,” explains Angela Dietrich-Kusch, MD, pediatric hospitalist with Riley Children’s Health. “Because it is more easily digested, it does tend to pass through their system more quickly.”

Additionally, breastfed babies are less likely to overeat since it takes more effort to drink milk from a breast than it does a bottle. However, Dietrich-Kusch was quick to express that a soundly sleeping baby is overvalued in our culture.
“The issue there is that we know from the research on sudden infant death syndrome that sleeping more soundly does not equal sleeping safely,” she explains, referring to the numerous studies that have found an increased risk of SIDS associated with formula-feeding babies, as shown in a review published in Reviews in Obstetrics & Gynecology.

Myth: Breastfeeding comes naturally.

While it may be true that breastfeeding is “natural,” that doesn’t mean it just comes naturally to new moms and their babies. When I ask my friends about their breastfeeding experience, I hear the same answer from four different moms. They all tell me it was so much harder than they expected.


“I was shell-shocked by how hard it was the first time,” shares Becky Wilson Berezoski, mom of four. “How completely dependent my baby was going to be on me, how overwhelmed I would feel being his only source of food, and how physically and emotionally taxing it would be.”
According to Rachel Borton, MSN, FNP-BC, the director of the Family Nurse Practitioner program in the Bradley University Department of Nursing, it’s uncommon for a new mom to breastfeed without facing a single challenge. Most moms experience some discomfort, their baby has difficulty latching, or mom feels like her milk is slow to come in.
“It’s not insurmountable,” she says. “You have to consistently try the same things everyday; you’re breastfeeding every three to four hours, it’s a lot of work.”

Myth: Breast size matters.

Some women may find themselves concerned that their small breasts will prevent them from producing enough milk for the baby. Breast size doesn’t influence milk production, according to Dietrich-Kusch, who said she does hear this concern from new moms in her clinical work.

“They may worry about whether or not they’re going to have the ability to make breastmilk,” she says. “Our mammary glands are not dependent on the overall size of our breasts, so that’s kind of an individual thing.”
Although it is true that milk storage capacity varies from mom to mom, storage capacity doesn’t determine if a mom is able to breastfeed. Instead, it may simply influence how often she breastfeeds, according to breastfeeding resource KellyMom.

Myth: There’s a magic pill to increase milk supply.

When a baby is depending on you as their source of food, it is easy to get caught up in concerns that you are not making enough milk. Because of this, it is fairly common for moms to search social media support groups looking for a magic pill or simple strategy for increasing their milk supply.
The issue with this is that there isn’t any clear research that there is any one thing you can eat or drink that will help you produce more milk. In fact, there simply isn’t research at all.

“Studies like that are hard to do. You’re exposing the infant to something they wouldn’t otherwise be exposed to. It’s hard to convince people to buy into doing studies like it,” explains Dietrich-Kusch. “Certainly, we know that things like fenugreek, the supplements they sell, they’re not harmful to babies.”
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Outside of knowing they’re not harmful, Dietrich-Kusch simply doesn’t believe there is enough information out there to determine if milk-boosting supplements will work. One review published by The Annals of Pharmacotherapy confirmed her assertion, saying that evidence is lacking on the topic of galactogogues and breast milk production.
https://twitter.com/heartsleeve/status/969617571728281601
Although she doesn’t discourage her patients from trying, she always advises them to rely on the one method that is proven to work—breastfeeding more often and for longer periods of time. Breast milk production is a supply and demand relationship, the more a baby stimulates the breast, the more milk the mother will produce.

Myth: Breastfeeding always hurts.

When it comes to [linkbuilder id=”3228″ text=”breastfeeding myths”] that won’t go away, this just might be the most difficult-to-dispel myth out there. Nearly every mom I asked about their breastfeeding experience says she experienced a lot of pain. I hear it described as “toe-curling,” while other moms say they were in tears every time their baby nursed.

But when I follow up with experts, they say this type of pain shouldn’t be seen as normal. What is normal is to feel some discomfort during the first couple of weeks.
“That has to to do with the latch,” explains G. Thomas Ruiz, MD, OB-GYN at MemorialCare Orange Coast Medical Center in Fountain Valley, CA. “If the baby is latched properly, initially you might get uncomfortable because your nipple is not used to the breastfeeding … so you kind of get a lot of nipple chafing and dryness.”


Most moms will also experience pressure when their breasts become engorged, according to Borton, who clarifies that it is a tight pressure in both breasts that can be relieved by breastfeeding, not a stabbing pain.
On the other hand, if the mother is actually in severe pain, her nipples are bleeding or scabbing, or she has very localized pain, something isn’t right.
https://twitter.com/lizfrmtheles/status/954370920767991808
“As opposed to pain, which can either be pain from the baby latching improperly versus pain that can occur from infection due to mastitis,” says Ruiz, who advises moms experiencing redness, pain, or tenderness to see a lactation consultant for advice.

Myth: Bottle feeding causes nipple confusion.

Many moms hold off on introducing a bottle or a pacifier because of the fear of nipple confusion. It isn’t quite accurate to call this is myth since it is more of a misunderstanding.
First and foremost, it’s important to understand just how difficult it is to provide a black and white answer to this concern.

“Every single baby and mom are different,” explains Dietrich-Kusch. “We know that there are some babies that can go seamlessly between artificial nipples and breastfeeding without seemingly any issue, while others will prefer one over the other.”
Secondly, it is important to know that bottle feeding and breastfeeding don’t have to be mutually exclusive. Moms just need to be smart about how they proceed. Artificial nipples can allow babies to eat with less effort, since the milk flows more quickly. International Board Certified Lactation Consultant Leigh Anne O’Connor advises moms who would like to introduce a bottle to make sure the breast is still being stimulated often to encourage continued milk production. Additionally, she suggests using bottles that have a slow flow nipple, which is typically clearly labeled on the bottle packaging.

“You’re unable to predict by looking at a baby what that baby’s preference is going to be,” says Dietrich-Kusch. “Certainly, waiting to introduce artificial nipples until breastfeeding is established seems to be the key. Once breastfeeding is established, typically anywhere between three to six weeks of life, it’s okay to at least try to see how they will do.”

Myth: Breastfeeding is the only option.

“I had to supplement early on with all my babies because they lost too much weight and were at risk of failure to thrive,” mom of four Katie Fazio shares with HealthWay. “It broke my heart, and I felt like failure as a woman and like I didn’t deserve my babies.”
Fazio’s story is a common one: Mom tries to breastfeed, mom can’t breastfeed either because she has a low milk supply or because she isn’t able to maintain her milk supply because of her lifestyle, and then mom feels really, really guilty. Although it is certainly true that breastfeeding is perfectly designed nutrition for babies, it is not the only acceptable option for babies.

It is important that moms don’t get too caught up in the myth that formula is not an acceptable alternative to breastfeeding.
Newer research published in Maternal & Child Nutrition focused on formula-feeding mothers found that, because of negative emotions associated with formula feeding, many mothers who make this choice experience decreased emotional well-being.

Ultimately, it is most important that the baby is well-fed and the mother is taken care of, making it incredibly important that mothers are supported in their decision to breastfeed or formula-feed and that they are given the information needed to dispel the most common myths about infant feeding.
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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Monkey See, Monkey Do: How To Set A Good Example For Your Kids

When my sister was little, my mother had a particularly foul-mouthed friend. One day, the two women and their two kids were in the car, trying to park on a busy street. The other mom was having a really hard time of it.
Her 3-year-old yelled out from the back seat, “Just park the f***ing car, Mom!”
Cue instant embarrassment.
Don’t worry if you’ve been there—what mom hasn’t? From the mouths of babes tumble forth swear words, insults, and even tales of bodily functions meant to be kept secret.
“I think most children learn to swear in the car, because almost all of us have done it and there’s so much at stake!” says Barbara Kaiser, early childhood consultant, trainer, and co-author of Challenging Behavior in Young Children: Understanding, Preventing and Responding Effectively.
So how do we stop our kids from mimicking our bad behavior? And more importantly, how do we set a good example?

How do kids really learn?

“Babies imitate everything we do,” explains Kaiser. “I was chewing gum recently while playing with my grandson and he was making funny faces with his mouth and I realized he was copying me!”
Kids take in the world through imitation, Kaiser says, and actions speak much louder than words. “They are much more attuned to what you do than to what you say. Research shows that 85 to 90 percent of your message is not what you say but how you say it.” (Want to see a clear example of this? Watch this.) Children are very tuned in to our facial expressions and body language.
“There is nothing more profound than telling kids what to do and then not doing it yourself,” Kaiser says. “You lose trust. They don’t believe you.”
Does this sound familiar? Two siblings are yelling at each other. In order to calm the chaos, you interfere…by yelling “Don’t yell at your sister!” How are they learning to resolve the conflict?
Modeling good citizenship (as opposed to, say, money management skills) needs to start early—like, at birth. Once a child turns 10, it’s a little late to say, “Okay! Time to be a good person!”
Here are three keys points to keep in mind:

1. Treat others the way … you want your kid to treat others.

Although every person is wired differently, it is unrealistic to expect your child to be a loving, considerate, empathetic person if you do not model those behaviors for them. It isn’t enough to say, “Be nice!” or “Listen!” and not do it yourself. A child may not know what exactly those directives mean.
Rather than simply saying “Be kind to others,” do something. Help your spouse around the house, which teaches your kid about teamwork. Pick up garbage and teach them to recycle and compost, which teaches care for the world. Volunteer with your kid. Take food to a sick friend. Speak kindly to others everywhere you go. It is only when a child sees the behavior modeled that she knows every instance in which treating others well and engaging appropriately is possible.
This is particularly important when it comes to fighting gender stereotypes. When my parents come to visit, my father does all the cooking. My daughter declared one day, “Grandpas cook!” No one had told her this. She had simply seen it in action. (This is much better than all the “We are all equal!” declarations in the world that aren’t backed up by much.) To see it is to believe it.

2. Don’t just tell them how to resolve conflicts. Show them how.

There’s a striking moment In Jancee Dunn’s bestselling book, How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids. Dunn admits to having a temper, and in the middle of a couples therapy session, the counselor tells her that when she’s screaming at her husband, her 6-year-old daughter thinks she’s yelling at her. A child often cannot distinguish between the two. They hear yelling and it scares them.
It is vital that our children learn how to resolve conflict by means other than screaming, hitting, or storming out. They also need to learn that simply saying sorry usually isn’t enough to resolve a conflict or mend hurt feelings.
A better way to model conflict resolution is to talk it out and show affection and understanding. This is not to say that you should resolve your marital conflicts in front of your kids! But it is okay for kids to witness conflict—it’s a natural part of being in a relationship, and kids should understand that. What’s not okay is allowing the behavior to spiral out of control with no resolution.

3. Remember: They can hear you.

Actions speak louder than words—especially when kids are really little—but kids are always picking up language. This is sometimes hard to register, especially after you’ve repeated “Put on your shoes” for the 8,000th time, but they are taking in everything you’re saying, whether they’re responding to it the way you wish they would or not.
This doesn’t just apply to swearing but all language—how you talk to your spouse, your friends, the people at the grocery store, on the phone. (In fact, they pick up on tone much more than the actual words.) This doesn’t mean you should suddenly go silent, but be aware that there’s a little brain soaking up your every word, so think before you add a four letter word or particularly biting tone to your vocalizations of exasperated thought.

Need a few practical tips?

Want to limit screen time? Limit your own.

Most of us set rules around our children’s screen time—but do we limit our own device usage in their presence? “What is quality time?” Kaiser asks. “It doesn’t mean standing next to your child on your phone. Are you really spending quality time with your child?”
This is perfect example of monkey see, monkey do. Why should they limit the time they spend on the iPad when their mom’s face is glued to her phone all day?

Don’t clean up after them.

This one can begin very early. Do not get into the habit of letting your kids make messes that you fix or clean up for them. You know those wonderful songs preschool teachers sing? “Clean up! Clean up! Everybody everywhere. Clean up! Clean up! Everybody do your share”? This isn’t just for school.
All the rules that apply in public should apply at home: Teach him to clear his plate, to put away her clothes, and clean up their Legos. With young kids, framing it as a race often makes it a fun game (“I bet I can put away more Legos than you!”).
Keep this in mind: Kids who don’t clean up after themselves at 4 don’t miraculously start doing it at 14.

Teach them the value of money early.

This year for Hanukkah, my husband and I gave our daughter $20 to spend however she wanted. She chose to go to a dance supply store and buy herself a leotard. Of course she wanted everything in the store, so she had to budget, which meant finding a leotard that was on sale and choosing accessories that didn’t send her over her limit. She was thrilled to find what she wanted, and the process of making decisions about what she could or couldn’t afford—and therefore pinpointing what she really wanted—was empowering and educational.

Cook (and garden, paint, and repair the house) together.

How does anything get done around the house? From cooking dinner every night to mowing the lawn on the weekend to repairing leaks in the roof, a parent is usually taking care of business around the home. Rather than shipping the kids off with an iPad, integrate them into the process.
Invite a little one to sit on the counter while you cook (they can rip off mushroom stems or measure and pour); ask for an assistant to help with a repair. This teaches them how a family keeps a household going, and proves they are vital members of the team.

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Healthy Pregnancy Motherhood

Stretch Marks, Swelling, And Skin Woes: How To Protect Your Skin While Pregnant

Oh, that pregnancy glow! How we all long for it! Many of us do experience it (woohoo!) but for a lot of pregnant ladies, our skin turns out to be more itchy than glowy. Here are a few common problems—and how to deal with all of them.

Swollen Feet

Why does this happen? During pregnancy, the body retains more fluid and is also working hard to keep blood flowing to the heart. The other parts? Not so much, which means swollen feet and ankles—and shoes that don’t quite fit.
What’s a gal to do? We’ve all been there, when even our cankles have cankles. And we can’t even bend over to put lotion on them. Get off your feet! Even better: Lie down with your legs up the wall (only for a short time, though, as lying on your back for long periods during pregnancy is not advisable).
Need more help? Try compression socks. Exercise, especially in a pool, where you can “walk.” Wear loose clothing and shoes. Keep drinking water. Accept that this the unsexy side of pregnancy.
If your feet are itchy (especially toward the end of your pregnancy), enlist your partner to lotion you up. If you have a toddler, this can easily turn into a hilarious family activity.
Contact your doctor if…you get sudden and extreme swelling. It could indicate a blood clot or high blood pressure.

Itchy All Over

Why does this happen? An itchy torso and stomach is usually the result of the skin stretching.
What’s a gal to do? Slip into an oat bath. The floating sensation is nice and the oats are sure to soothe your skin. More of a shower gal? Lather on a body conditioner in the shower (Curél Hydra Therapy Wet Skin Moisturizer or Nivea’s in-shower body lotion are our top picks) and let that soak in.
Once you’re out of the shower, lather on the lotion. Or better yet, reach for a cream or butter as these products tend to be thicker and more moisturizing. If you’re after natural ingredients like shea butter, cocoa butter, and essential oilsJosie Maran’s Whipped Argan Oil Body Butter will cover all your bases thanks to its argan oil, shea butter, avocado oil, and white tea extract.
Contact your doctor if…nothing helps. It is very rare, but a late pregnancy liver and gallbladder disorder called obstetric cholestasis (OC) can increase your risk of delivering prematurely or even of having a stillbirth. Severe itching is one of OC’s primary symptoms.

Stretchy Belly

Why does this happen? So you got your first stretch mark. And you might be freaking out. But it’s normal! So, so, so many women get these—about 75 percent of us in fact! The cause is mostly genetic, but sometimes stretch marks can be tied to rapid weight gain or loss and younger women are actually more susceptible.
What’s a gal to do? It turns out that stretch-mark reducing creams and heavy-duty lotions may not do…anything (sorry!). What might work slightly better is almond oil, cocoa butter, and olive oil.
The best prevention—if we can even use that word, since stretch marks are mostly genetic—is exercise, a healthy, vitamin-rich diet, lots of water, and regular massages (yay!). Also, keep in mind that steady and incremental weight gain as opposed to rapid weight gain helps the skin stretch at a less traumatic pace.
Contact your doctor if…Well, you probably don’t need to. Unless you are absolutely determined to get rid of stretch marks (only after baby is born!), there’s really no reason to talk to your doctor about these. They usually fade over time as you return to your pre-pregnancy size.

Pigmentation Problems

Why does this happen? It’s hormonal! Your estrogen levels stimulate increased pigment production (this is also what accounts for a darker area around your nipples, and darker moles or freckles).
What’s a gal to do? Sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen, even if you don’t live in a warm climate. Every day, all over. Putting a little vitamin C on your skin topically can also help. (If you use a vitamin C product, definitely put on sunscreen as it can increase skin’s photosensitivity and likeliness to burn.)
That said, pigmentation issues usually resolve on their own few months after the baby arrives.
Contact your doctor if…a mole or other spot looks particularly dark. You should be keeping track of any and all skin issues throughout pregnancy and pregnant or not, visit your dermatologist regularly. It’s very rare, but a mole can change during pregnancy, indicating a serious problem like melanoma.

Red, Red Rashes

Why does this happen? There are various kinds of rashes that can appear during pregnancy, but the most common is PUPPP: pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy. This is when tiny red bumps that first appear on the belly spread across the body. The patches of bumps can be super itchy. This usually happens later on in the pregnancy when the belly is stretched to its limit.
No one really knows what causes PUPPP, but it often appears during a first pregnancy or a pregnancy with multiples, when the skin is really stretching.
What’s a gal to do? Any severe itching can be soothed with topical medications—mostly steroids (like hydrocortisone cream) or antihistamines (like Benadryl). You can also apply lotion as long as it feels good and doesn’t further irritate the skin. Unfortunately, the only thing that really makes PUPPP go away is delivering your baby.
Contact your doctor if…you suspect that you have PUPPP as the condition cannot be self-diagnosed.

Acne Woes

Why does this happen? Most pregnancy acne is also hormonal! It’s also very common, especially if you were susceptible to acne before becoming pregnant, and it may be due to the body producing slightly more oil while gestating. (For some, this also results in the coveted “pregnancy glow.”)
What’s a gal to do? Don’t touch! We know it’s tempting to pick and squeeze, but this will only make things worse. Cleanse twice a day with mild cleanser and don’t forget to follow up with a moisturizer and sunscreen. If your hair is particularly oily and falls in your face, wash it daily and keep it away from your skin.
Contact your doctor before…you use any new skincare products. Many acne cleansers aren’t safe during pregnancy.
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Categories
Mindful Parenting Motherhood

More Than Just A Tantrum: Signs Your Child Is A Highly Sensitive Person

A kindergartener with an infectious smile and a big personality, Bella often has meltdowns over seemingly little things, like the tags in her shirt or combing her hair.
Her mom, Gail, has heard it all.
She’s just spoiled!
Don’t worry, this is just a phase.
But Bella is not spoiled, and she’s not just going through a phase. Bella is a highly sensitive person. As an infant, she was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder (SPD), a neurological condition that results in an inability to process certain sensory information correctly.
According to the Star Institute for Sensory Processing Disorder, as many as one in 20 people may be affected by SPD or be considered a highly sensitive person.
Garland noticed something was different about Bella when she was about two months old.
“She was inconsolable, she didn’t fancy anything as most babies do such as a bouncy seat, a play mat, or toys. She constantly sniffed everything. She screamed every time I changed her like she had never been through it before.”
Christy Watson, whose daughter Lucy has also been diagnosed with SPD, vividly remembers the moment she realized Lucy needed treatment.
“Lucy was particularly bothered by her brother Emmett’s shrill newborn crying and would cover her ears and scream whenever he would cry.”
She says she was in the kitchen making lunch one day when Emmett started to cry. “Only a minute passed between the time he began crying and the point when I walked back into the family room. Lucy had taken a pillow from the sofa and had it placed over Emmett’s head in an attempt to get him to stop crying.”
“Highly sensitive children have debilitating aversions to light, noise, pressure,” says Michelle Collis, a North Carolina-based speech language pathologist. “Tags and seams can cause light pressure and touch, lights can be too bright, and a small buzzing from a fluorescent light [can seem] so loud the person cannot function.”
That’s because a highly sensitive person, like a child diagnosed with sensory processing disorders, can’t tune out stimuli, and processing literally everything at once can be completely overwhelming.
Because sensory processing disorder is not currently a recognized condition in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, the diagnostic guide used by most mental health professionals, kids with SPD are often misdiagnosed with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), autism, anxiety, or obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD).
Still, Lucy Jane Miller, PhD, OTR, and author of Sensational Kids: Hope and Help for Kids With Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), believes that SPD is a distinct condition.
In a 2012 study Miller and her colleagues determined that while ADHD and sensory modulation disorder (SMD)—a specific type of SPD—share similarities, children diagnosed with SMD had more sensory complaints than those diagnosed with ADHD, leading Miller to determine that ADHD and SPD are distinct diagnoses.

So how do you know if your child is a highly sensitive person with sensory processing disorder?

“Tantrums for no apparent reason, eyes closed or squinted, or even turning the head and looking from the side of the eye are all markers of a child with SPD,” says Collis. “Kids with SPD may also cover their ears with their hands or tense their shoulders in response to noisy stimulus.”
An obsessive preference for a few items of clothing or demanding to wear the same shirt every day is another indicator that your child may have a sensory processing sensitivity. A highly sensitive child with SPD will get easily distracted by an itchy seam or tag in their clothing. The offending item of clothing will be all they can focus on until it is removed.
“Sensory seeking children may enjoy  banging items, climbing, and hanging upside down from furniture,” says Collis. “In addition, a child with SPD can exhibit a constant need to be leaning, hugging, or touching another person.”
It might seem like your child is acting out or misbehaving, but really, they may just be trying to process sensory information. When your child clings to you after a meltdown, they’re clinging to their constant—a parent or loved one—in an effort to calm down after sensory overload.

I think my child has a sensory processing sensitivity. What now?

“I battled [SPD] for five years alone,” says Garland. “If you suspect your child has a sensory processing sensitivity, please do not do that. Go find the resources that your child needs.”
As a parent, you may not be sure where to start if you think your child may have a sensory processing disorder.
Elaine Aron, PhD, is a leading psychologist in the field of sensitivity and sensory processing disorders. If you suspect your child has SPD, Aron suggests filling out her free online questionnaire. If you answer yes to 13 or more questions, it may be worth getting your child tested for sensory processing sensitivities.
If you only answer yes to one or two of the questions on Aron’s questionnaire, your child may be highly sensitive, and could still benefit from certain treatments. Either way, Aron stresses that the questionnaire is not a diagnosis. Rather, it is a tool to help parents who may be at a loss with their child’s behavior determine if something like SPD may be part of the equation.
If you believe your child may have SPD, an occupational therapist trained in sensory issues can test your child for sensory processing sensitivities.
A diagnosis can often provide relief for both parents and children.
“I just thought I was a bad mom,” says Garland. “It was very hard to understand sensory processing because no one I knew had a child with any issues.”
But a diagnosis gave Garland and her daughter a path forward.
Watson says that pre-diagnosis, it was difficult to bond with her infant daughter, and she carries a lot of guilt because she didn’t initially understand SPD.
“Toddlers are moody and angry a fair number of times in a day, but Lucy was convulsing with rage, screeching at the top of her lungs, and dropping tiny bows more often than she was happy from about age 1 to 4. I realize now that this was because she would become so overstimulated, and she did not have the language skills to communicate her needs to us.”
Watson goes on to say, “It was hard to take and, truthfully, kept me from fully bonding with her for a long time. I know that sounds terrible, but it is inordinately more difficult to develop a healthy relationship with a child who is constantly screaming and unhappy than it is to bond to a calm, loving, and content baby.”
After Lucy’s diagnosis shortly before age five, Watson says she can now look back and clearly see the signs that Lucy had sensory processing issues, but even with testing, struggled to get help.
“She was much more irritable and discontented that most babies, and as a toddler she would melt down almost constantly. It was exhausting. Her speech was delayed, and I had her evaluated twice between the ages of 1 and 3, and each time, I was told that she was on the low end of normal and didn’t qualify for services. I still feel like she needs speech therapy but because she is on the fringe of that normal range, she is still not eligible for certain services.”
Because sensory processing disorders are not officially recognized medical conditions, it is hard to get kids with SPD the therapy they may need.
Garland, who lives in rural North Carolina, says getting Bella in-school services and treatment has been especially difficult.
“Living in this rural area even in public school the amount of help she can get is limited,” says Garland. “Her teacher is not familiar with sensory disorder nor is her dentist or the fill-in doctor we are using since ours left.”
Both Watson and Garland agree that parents of highly sensitive kids have to be advocates for their children.
“Early intervention is key!” says Watson. “If you suspect there is a problem, go to the doctor! If the doctor doesn’t listen to you, get a new doctor. You know your child better than anyone.”

Highly sensitive kids benefit from occupational therapy.

“Occupational therapy made Lucy a different child,” says Watson.
While the first few weeks of Lucy’s occupational therapy were hard, Watson says she began to notice a change after about six weeks of therapy.
“Her behavior improved dramatically, her fine motor skills, her gross motor skills, her auditory and tactile sensitivity—everything—everything continually improved,” says Watson. “After a year of OT and counseling, she had improved so much that she no longer qualified for services!”
In addition to occupational therapy, there are some things parents can do at home to help highly sensitive kids process sensory information.
“Blue or red cloths can be placed over fluorescent lights at work or school to decrease bright light,” says Collis.  “Seamless clothing is hard to find, but Target has a new kids’ line for sensory sensitive children. If a preferred clothing has been found, parents often buy multiples of the item. I have children who wear headphones at school and public places to decrease outside noise.”
During a sensory overload, a child’s ability to process language can decrease dramatically. A child with SPD may not be able to communicate what’s wrong, which leads to further frustration. Collis says picture cues can be helpful communication tools for kids with SPD.
“I have even used written sentences for readers,” says Collis. “During a ‘meltdown’ language should be used to reassure and tell the child what behavior to do: ‘I will use my earphones when it is too noisy.’  ‘My earphones help the noise go away.’ ‘I will keep my hands to myself.’”
It can be incredibly frustrating to parent a highly sensitive kid or a child with an SPD diagnosis, but Garland says watching Bella grow and learn has been the most rewarding experience of her life.
“Mothering a child with sensory issues is hard,” says Garland. “I have cried. I have prayed. I have at times given up and at times I have been so proud I felt like my heart might burst.”

I’m an adult. Can I be a highly sensitive person?

Short answer? Yes. While sensory processing disorder is becoming a more accepted diagnosis, many highly sensitive people have been misdiagnosed with OCD, ADHD, or even anxiety.
Writing this article has actually opened my eyes to my own struggle with being a highly sensitive person. As a kid, I was always labeled “a handful.” I made good grades, but I struggled to stay in my seat or be quiet. I get what I call “overstimulated” easily, even as an adult.
I’m extremely outgoing, but if I’m at a loud party with lots of people, I get easily overwhelmed. When that happens, I have to remove myself from the situation and find a calm, quiet space or a meltdown is inevitable.
According to Aron’s adult questionnaire, this is actually common for highly sensitive people. Aron also says that it is a common misconception that women, children, and self-described introverts are the only individuals who can be highly sensitive.
According to information on Aron’s website, “We know that as many males as females are born [highly sensitive], although they obviously will be different in many ways because of their gender and how their family and culture has viewed their sensitivity.”
Aron goes on to explain that men typically score lower on the self test, which she believes is because men begin to sense their own vulnerabilities and may not answer their self-evaluations honestly.
In addition, the majority of highly sensitive people are introverted, but that still leaves a large percentage of extraverted individuals who are also highly sensitive. If you are extremely outgoing but need lots of downtime, Aron says you may be a highly sensitive person.
Unfortunately, treatment for highly sensitive adults has been lacking. According to Sarah Schoen, PhD, Director of Research at the STAR Institute for SPD, “We know that children don’t grow out of sensory processing disorder and many do not receive the necessary treatment when they are children, meaning symptoms persist into adulthood. Additionally, there are many adults who have been misdiagnosed and are just beginning to become aware of their sensory processing issues.”

The good news?

Treatment options for adults with SPD are growing. Working with an occupational therapist is still the best treatment option, even for adults, says Schoen. But it’s not always easy to make time for a lengthy therapy appointment when you barely have time for a grocery store run.
“That’s why our occupational therapists started to create educational content for adults that can be accessed from home,” says Schoen of the STAR Institute’s resources. “Many of the adults we treat say they have been misdiagnosed with a mental health condition or illness and have unnecessarily been taking medication. An important part of their treatment is to understand their sensory issues and differences so that they can participate in a program that includes the introduction of a sensory lifestyle with modifications to their daily life, alterations to their environment, and self-advocacy.”
Most importantly, know that you are not alone. If you suspect that you or your child is highly sensitive, there are online resources, like Aron’s website or SPDStar.org that can inspire your first steps toward treatment.
[related article_ids=7068,9096]

Categories
Favorite Finds Motherhood

9 Children's Books That Celebrate Diversity

When my daughter was 3, I took her to her first Yom Kippur service. This is the holiest day of the year in Judaism: the day when we ask forgiveness of those we’ve harmed and repent for our sins. Our synagogue has two young female rabbis—not a common occurrence—and my hitherto non-practicing Jewish daughter sat utterly fixated, staring at these two women with nothing but awe in her eyes. She turned to me and said, “One day I want to be a Rabbi.”
It was a clear example of You can only become what you can see. Cue: the importance of diversity in children’s books.  
In describing the need for representation in children’s books, non-profit organization We Need Diverse Books quotes a 1990 article from professor and author Rudine Bishop Sims: “When children cannot find themselves reflected in the books they read, or when the images they see are distorted, negative, or laughable, they learn a powerful lesson about how they are devalued in the society of which they are a part.” 
But the lack of representation in media isn’t just an issue for people of color—it’s an issue for all of us. 
On the occasion of the unveiling of her portrait at the National Portrait Gallery, Michelle Obama wrote, “This is all a little bit overwhelming, especially when I think about all of the young people who will visit the National Portrait Gallery and see this, including so many young girls and young girls of color who don’t often see their images displayed in beautiful and iconic ways.
For children of color, seeing people who look like them represented in media like books, movies, or art, can actually affect them in a positive way. It’s proof that there’s space for them, both on the page and in the world. For white children, experiencing diverse media can help prevent a distorted view of their world. All kids, regardless of background, need to know that there are all kinds of people in the world—that we all have hopes and dreams and struggles, and that some struggles, like those involving race or gender or sexuality, are particular to some.
In honor of Black History Month, here are some wonderful books to add into your kids’ collection and to share with friends:

1. A is for Activist

by Innosanto Nagara

Dubbed Howard Zinn’s The People’s History of the United States for kids, this gorgeous board book moves through the alphabet teaching kids about key tenets of activism—justice and peace—and vital freedom fighters who’ve forged the path, like Malcolm X.

2. Counting on Community

(also!) by Innosanto Nagara

This book is all about the value of community and being able to count on those around you. Kids of various colors and backgrounds come together to plant seeds and reap the harvest.

3. The Snowy Day

by Ezra Jack Keats

The joy of this beautiful board book is that it is simply about a boy named Peter exploring the snow—and that boy happens to be black. Unlike so many books about kids of color in general—and African American kids in particular—this is not a book about race. Keats has a whole collection based on Peter and his friends including Whistles for Willie, A Letter to Amy, and Peter’s Chair.

4. Little Leaders: Bold Women in Black History

by Vashti Harrison

From abolitionist Sojourner Truth to chemist Alice Ball and poet–writer Maya Angelou, you and your kids will learn about African American women who’ve changed the world in extraordinary ways.

5. We’re Different, We’re the Same 

by Bobbi Kates and Joe Mathieu

Sesame Street has you covered! This lovely book explores all the ways we can be different—race, gender, sexuality—and all the ways we share the same hopes and dreams.

6. Let’s Stop at the Market

by Matt de la Peña and Christian Robinson

Why don’t we own a car? Why do we get off the bus in the not-so-nice part of town? CJ asks his grandma these and other questions as they travel to and from church. This books explores the beautiful bond between CJ and his grandmother, the ways in which we are different, and the beauty we can find anywhere.

7. Marisol McDonald Doesn’t Match/Marisol McDonald No Combina

by Monica Brown and Sara Palacios

This charming bilingual book explores the funny ways our cultures intersect under our skins. Marisol loves peanut butter burritos and has nut-brown skin and red hair. To her, these are totally natural combinations.

8. Full, Full, Full of Love

by Trish Cooke and Paul Howard

Focused on the sweet relationship between Jay Jay and his Grannie, this book welcomes the reader into a boisterous Sunday night dinner and the love among family.

9. We Shall Overcome: The Story of a Song

by Debbie Levy and Vanessa Brantley Newton

How much power does one song hold? A lot! This book traces the history of the iconic song that became the anthem of the Civil Rights Movement and pays tribute to the music that helped change the course of American life.
Looking for more? Check out We Need Diverse Books, which is working to transform the publishing industry in hopes of promoting literature that reflects and honors the lives of all kids.

Categories
Healthy Pregnancy Motherhood

Here's Why You Might Want to Hire A Doula for Your Next Birth

For Sakinah Irizarry, the best part of being a doula is being in a room just as a family becomes a family.
“The moment a new baby arrives, a family becomes complete,” says Irizarry, a Saugerties, New York doula. “I enjoy doing what I can to help the birthing mother or the birthing partners reach that moment of becoming.”
Helping birthing moms and their partners is the very core of what doulas do. Defined by DONA International (the leading doula-certifying organization) as “a trained professional who provides continuous physical, emotional and informational support to a mother before, during and shortly after childbirth to help her achieve the healthiest, most satisfying experience possible,” doulas have been holding moms’ hands and helping them through labor for centuries.
But it’s only in recent years that the number of these “helpers” has exploded in response to the growing call from moms to have someone on their side in the birthing room.
Should you have a doula ready for your text when you’re about to give birth? We’ll let you decide that for yourself…but here’s a little information that can help you make the choice.

What do doulas do?

Unlike a doctor or midwife, whose focus is on delivering the baby, a doula’s primary concern is the person giving birth. She (or he) is in the birthing room to act as a laboring mom’s support system, advocating on her behalf by engaging the medical staff, guiding her through natural pain relief and relaxation techniques, stepping in to massage or help her get more comfortable, and answering questions posed by both mom and her partner if one is present.
Essentially, a doula is an extra set of hands in the room, but one who comes in with experience and knowledge of the entire birthing process as well as information provided by a mom about what she hopes to have happen during the birth.
“Some folks shy away from hiring a doula because they feel the role of supporting the laboring mom belongs to the birthing partner,” Irizarry says. “I think that having a doula frees the birthing partner to fully be present to support mom, physically and emotionally.”
Doulas typically meet with expecting parents weeks or even months before the delivery will take place to talk over what a mom wants to happen during during the birth. Trained and certified doulas can help an expecting parent or couple craft a birth plan, putting together a mom’s wish list to execute on her behalf.
The goal isn’t for a doula to tell a mom how to birth but to help a mom feel empowered and advocated for in the birthing room. In fact, one of the DONA requirements that doulas have to sign off on is a promise to “make every effort to foster maximum self-determination on the part of his/her clients.”
When the text arrives that baby’s on their way, the doula springs into action to do what they can to ensure mom has a safe and positive birth.

What the Science Says

Given the growing number of doulas in America, it’s no wonder the scientific community has started to take notice and is giving these professionals their due respect.
There’s a growing body of evidence that having a doula on hand to help a mom and her partner in the delivery room is correlated with healthier outcomes for both mom and baby.
One study by Lamaze International found that doula-assisted moms were four times less likely to have a low birth weight baby, two times less likely to experience a birth complication, and significantly more likely to initiate breastfeeding.
While the positives could be ascribed to the fact that a mom who can afford to hire a doula is also more likely to be able to afford better prenatal care, the researchers dug deeper, positing that “communication with and encouragement from a doula throughout the pregnancy may have increased the mother’s self-efficacy regarding her ability to impact her own pregnancy outcomes.”
Other studies on doula assistance during birth have linked their presence to a reduction in preterm and C-section births and a reduction in racial and income-based disparities in birth outcomes.

What Your Doctor Says

With statistics and studies to back them up, why aren’t doulas lining the halls of every modern maternity ward?
Unfortunately, the traditional medical community may be playing gatekeeper—preventing doulas from becoming regular participants in the birthing experience. Studies found that some doctors resist having an extra person in the delivery room, and when hospital rules limit attendants in the delivery room, many women find themselves forced to choose between family members and a doula.
If you want a doula in the room, do your research. If you’ll be delivering at a hospital or birthing center, ask how many people are allowed in the room. Talk to your doctor or midwife about what they allow. Don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself. If you think a doula’s the right choice for you, make the case!

By the Numbers

Of course, when it comes down to it, deciding whether or not to have a doula may not just be about what they can do for you in the delivery room. It may come down to cost.
Depending on where you live, a doula can cost anywhere from $500 to $3,000. Doulas fees cover their actual services, but they also help offset the cost of being on call. After all, most women don’t know exactly when they will go into labor when they contract their doula.
Some insurance companies do cover the cost (or part of the cost) of having a doula present at a birth. DONA also offers a guide to getting third party reimbursement.
If your insurance company refuses and you’re not sure you can swing the price, you don’t have to give up on the dream of having an advocate in the delivery room.
You may find someone in your community who has the chops to be your right hand during labor. And becoming as knowledgeable as you can about birth will help you be an empowered advocate for yourself.
“Take a birthing class,” Irizarry suggests. “Ask moms, your doctor, hospitals, your local library. Many birthing classes are cheap, or free.”
If you can bring a few friends to the class, all the better—they’ll be more informed and better able to coach you in the delivery room.
“Labor is grueling, but so is labor support,” Irizarry says. “Having two people as support means they can relieve each other and that mom is never alone.”

Find Your Friend

The easiest way to find a doula who’s up to the task is to ask other moms for recommendations. That said, it’s always wise to check up on their credentials, too.
DONA International offers a find-a-doula service on its site and the International Childbirth Educators Association will let you search its membership rolls to see if a practitioner has been certified. The Childbirth and Postpartum Professional Association also offers a search for certified doulas in your area.

Categories
Motherhood

Daycare Violations: Navigating The Worrying World Of Childcare Providers

Ask any working parent in the United States and they’ll tell you that childcare is a huge expense for their family. Most Americans report that they spend 10 percent of more of their income on childcare, while roughly one third of American families are spending 20 percent of their income on care for their child while they work, according to a Care.com survey. Daycare costs so much, you can actually attend an in-state college for a year for less than you spend on a year of daycare for your children, according to NPR.
The cost of daycare is a real problem in the United States. For my family, it meant I took an overnight job after my daughter’s first birthday and would come home and parent on little to no sleep several times a week. For some families, it is the reason that mothers decide not to return to work after a child is born. Unfortunately, it is often one of the reasons that children end up with subpar, or even dangerous, care providers.
“When my daughter was a baby, we had no money,” shares Amy Shearn, mom and freelance writer. “But there was a lady down the block who watched kids for cheap. I didn’t love it because she’d sometimes have three or four kids there, and they seemed to mostly eat cookies and watch TV … we did it anyway for a few hours a week because it was the only way I could get any work done without paying more than I was making.”
Amy Shearn isn’t alone. Many parents face problems with their childcare options because of cost, location, and a lack of information. When childcare is subpar, it is ultimately the children that suffer the most.

The Laws that Make Childcare Safe

In order to become a licensed childcare facility, service providers have to comply with a specific set of guidelines and pass inspections. In the United States, these guidelines vary from state to state.
In Missouri, for instance, licensing laws are different based on the type of care center. In-home daycares don’t have to be licensed, according to Robin Phillips, the chief executive officer of Child Care Aware of Missouri, but if they want to become licensed they will have to comply with laws in place pertaining to environmental safety, teacher-to-child ratio, background checks, and more.
https://twitter.com/urrrkaj/status/917755316737069056
And some child care providers are completely exempt, such as religious providers of childcare, preschool programs that offer less than four hours of care each day, and anyone who is caring less than four non-related children in their home, according to the The Missouri Department of Health and Senior Services.

The Surprising Number of Daycare Violations

Daycare violations among licensed facilities are incredibly common, unfortunately. One 2013 news story detailed an alarming 144 number of violations in the St. Louis area alone. These violations were sometimes minor, but many were downright scary. One center, for instance, was facing a violation after a child was found walking down a street in the area. Another was reported when a child was kneed by a staff member. Many of the childcare violations were because the center didn’t have the correct number of staff members for the number of children in each class.
More recently, in December 2017, an Arizona daycare faced a $300 fine after three employees were charged with child abuse. The investigation happened after the three employees covered up a incident where a child was struck with a broom.
A Houston area daycare was investigated in December as well when a child was found walking near the highway by police, according to KHUO. The child was said to have walked away while outside during recess, according to the story, and the child’s absence went unnoticed by the staff.


Unfortunately, the list goes on and on. Enough searching reveals stories of children abused or losing their lives while under the watch of their care providers. It’s enough to make the very idea of dropping your child off at a daycare center scary.

The Good News About Child Care Violations

There really is good news. Childcare violations are typically published for the public online in a state database. This means that parents can do their research on a childcare provider themselves, using the information they find online to make informed decisions about the childcare provider they chose. This information is provided by the start department responsible for child care licenses in each state, like the Department of Health and Senior Services in Missouri.
“It helps parents understand if they were cited for any reason,” Phillips explains. “There’s an array of things that are minor violations, and there are obviously some things that are more serious, and those things are tracked, and they’re public information.”
It’s important to understand that unlicensed providers won’t appear on this database. When care providers are unlicensed, they don’t get visited by the department of child care regulations, according to Phillips.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHp6NxyF24w
In addition searching the databases available online, Phillips recommends that parents take the time to visit childcare providers they’re considering multiple times. Instead of relying on word-of-mouth alone, guardians should make both planned and random visits, paying attention the number of teachers in the room at any given time, how many kids are there, and what is going on in the daycare during any point of the day. For families who are uncertain of what type of questions to ask or what to look for in a center, Child Care Aware, which is available in several states, provides resources to parents to help guide them as the select a provider for the children in their care.

Why Unsafe Childcare is Commonplace

Unfortunately, in the United States, unsafe or low quality childcare options appear to commonplace. There are certainly excellent child care options in the State, but there are three big limitations that prevent parents and other family members from finding quality care for the child in their their care.
https://twitter.com/ChelseaFickes/status/966835578024202240
First, and perhaps the most obvious, is cost. Like Shearn, many parents are trying to find a childcare provider they can afford and finding the costs of daycare astronomical. In 2016, the average cost of daycare style childcares was $211 each week, according to a survey by Care.com. The costs go up from there: Nannies cost over twice that much, and simply hiring an after-school sitter for 15 hours a week puts most parents back $232 a week.
And for parents who qualify for assistance, the subsidies still aren’t enough, according to Phillips. Those making minimum wage are still struggling to pay for their reduced-rate childcare. Even if a family can afford childcare, the issue of availability is a problem in certain areas of the country.
“There are challenges in more rural areas. This is a national issues, not just in Missouri,” explains Phillips. “There’s scarcity in what’s available, the supply, compared to … the number of working families with children under six that are in need of that service.”
 
Lastly, not all states have laws and regulations that are helpful to parents looking for care and the licensing regulations vary greatly from state to state. This may make information on daycare difficult to come by, especially if parents don’t know about resources like Child Care Aware or their state simply doesn’t have this kind of resource.

The Bigger Picture

Many of the limitations mentioned above may appear to be individual, based on the circumstances of a specific family, like their income or where they live. The truth is the problems families face when looking for care for children is unquestionably linked to a bigger country-wide problem.

It’s easy to look at the extreme examples mentioned above—children wandering off or being abused in centers—and begin to believe that safety is the only matter at stake when selecting care for a child. There is a lot more at stake. Based on the availability of childcare and the limited resources that help parents pay for childcare, it doesn’t appear that the country as a whole is taking this seriously. It’s important to understand how pivotal the early years are for children, and the the conversation surrounding childcare have to go beyond “Are children safe?” and move to questions about what kind of effort is being put into their enrichment as a human being.
“When they don’t have access to those environments or the families struggles to pay for that, it usually falls on the backs of the child and their future,” says Phillips, adding that our country as a whole doesn’t place a high enough value on the earliest years of a child’s life.
https://twitter.com/sbanawan/status/964577965202866177
“By the time a child is five, the research out there will tell you that that child’s brain is 90 percent developed of an adult,” says Phillips, who strongly believes that children need access to so much more than safe care. A low stress environment that focuses on individual learning is what all children need to thrive as young children and as they grow into adolescents and adults.

Categories
Mindful Parenting Motherhood

How To Give Your Kids Self-Esteem For A Lifetime

There’s a YouTube video that I watch when I need a self-esteem boost. I know I can’t be alone. More than 19 million people have watched the video of 4-year-old Jessica giving herself a pep talk in a mirror since it was uploaded to the video site in 2009.
It’s hard to say exactly why a little girl’s “Daily Affirmation” video went viral, but I have one theory: This towheaded toddler brimming with confidence and self-love is video proof for all parents that we can do it. We can raise kids who ooze self-esteem, who are bright and funny and full of life, and who love themselves exactly the way they are.
If you’re nodding along, welcome to every parent’s fondest hope: That we can imbue our kids with the tools to feel good about themselves, their bodies, and their abilities.
There is no magic elixir, but there are some expert-backed tips to help get our kids there.

What is it, anyway?

Self-esteem can often go along with self-respect—having regard for oneself and one’s abilities, so it’s no surprise that developing that confidence in yourself is an important part of development for kids. It helps them grow emotionally, giving them the tools they need to take charge of their academics and later their work and personal lives.  
[pullquote align=”center”]“If a child feels that they had choice, control, and an active part in their success, their confidence and self-esteem grow.”  
—Christina Grosso[/pullquote]
And developing it starts earlier than you might think—as early as birth, says Christina Grosso, director of trauma services and training for the Jewish Board of Family and Children’s Services in New York City. How we interact and satisfy the needs of our infants helps them make sense of the world and their place in it, playing a role in how they feel about themselves.
“As children move through their toddler and preschool years, their confidence is impacted by how those around them accept their successes and challenges and help them develop problem-solving skills,” Grosso says. “If a child feels that they had choice, control, and an active part in their success, their confidence and self-esteem grow.”  
By the time children reach the age of 5, self-esteem levels are firmly established, enough to be measured.
But when your 4-year-old is whining, “I caaaaaaaaaaaan’t” after you’ve asked him to put on his own socks, or your 7-year-old is insisting she will “never” understand the multiplication tables, it’s natural to wonder: Am I doing this right? Does my kid have good self-esteem?
Relax.
Kids are no more immune to self-doubt than we are, but that doesn’t mean they’re wading in the shallow end of the esteem pool.
Trina Krischon, a child life specialist at Northwestern Medicine Delnor Hospital in Geneva, Illinois, offers this “test” to evaluate whether your child has good self-esteem: “If a child/adolescent or teen is asked to describe themselves, what adjectives do they use? If asked to create a collage of themselves, what pictures do they use?” Krischon asks. “If those words/pictures reflect positivity, happiness, or goals, I would say that one may be able to assume that the child sees him/herself as feeling good about themselves, their life situation, and therefore likely has a good self-esteem.”
In other words: Your kids can have crises of faith in themselves. That’s part of being human. They can still have good self-esteem…provided you avoid the pitfalls.

The Praise Problem

You’ve probably heard about the biggest pitfall of all already.
Parenting message boards and Facebook groups are rife with battles over helicopter parenting, the rise of “participation” trophies, and accusations from older generations (and the child-free) that today’s parents are raising a pack of entitled brats. The debate over how much praise we give our kids has been so loud that it’s become fodder for a host of studies on what happens when parents work too hard to raise a confident, self-loving kid.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Words of praise alone are not self-esteem building. They can create a false sense of self for a kid.”
—Mayra Mendez[/pullquote]
The general consensus? When it comes to praise, there really is too much of a good thing, says Mayra Mendez, program coordinator for intellectual and developmental disabilities and mental health services at Providence Saint John’s Child and Family Development Center in Santa Monica, California.
“Words of praise alone are not self-esteem building,” Mendez says “They can create a false sense of self for a kid.”
In fact, researchers have spotted what they call a rise in narcissism in Western youth, and they put the blame on parents’ overvaluing their kids achievements, telling them they’re rock stars even when they’re not doing so hot. According to the study, published in 2014 in the journal the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, “children seem to acquire narcissism, in part, by internalizing parents’ inflated views of them (e.g., ‘I am superior to others’ and ‘I am entitled to privileges’).”
Kids with too much confidence and a sense of superiority aren’t just insufferable to be around. They’re also more likely to bully others and more likely to blame others when they fail instead of working harder to master a task.
Think of the parent who tells their kid they are the best soccer player on the team when that child has never scored a goal and doesn’t put in any effort on the field. That’s overvaluing a child’s achievements and over-praising, Mendez says.
A better way to build self-esteem, Mendez explains, would be to focus on something your child did accomplish on the soccer field. Did they finally figure out the passing drill that their coach has been working on all season? Were they kind and helpful after practice, cleaning up all of the balls without being asked?
“Empty praise is generally non-specific,” Mendez notes, while self-esteem–building praise makes connections between a child’s actions and their value.
Nor will empty praise help your child feel better when they’re down. Parents mean well, and they’re often trying to protect a child’s ego, Mendez says, but piling on the kudos when your kid is struggling can end up backfiring big time.
In part, it can be internalized as pressure to achieve impossible perfection.
Perfectionistic kids or kids of perfectionistic parents can sometimes feel that nothing they do is good enough and strive for perfection,” Grosso explains. “When that is not attained—which it mostly isn’t because nothing is perfect—they can become angry, sad, and frustrated.”
All that empty praise can also make kids less flexible and less able to handle failures than their peers. After all, they become used to being told they’re the best without having to work hard for it. When they face actual adversity they may be shocked by their inability to snap their fingers and make things work.
As scientists posited in a 2016 study published in the journal Child Development Perspectives,Praise can lower these children’s motivation and feelings of self-worth in the face of setbacks (e.g., when they struggle or fail). Lowered feelings of self-worth, in turn, might invite … inflated praise from adults, creating a self-sustaining downward spiral.”

The Gender Myth

Another all-too-common trap that parents fall in comes along with the gender divide. Even as society pushes tired stereotypes back into the 1950s where they belong, research on both moms and dads has shown we still speak differently to our kids based on gender.
We’re more likely to discourage our daughters from taking physical risks and less likely to discuss emotions with our sons. Comments like “boys will be boys” and “girls are better at the arts than boys” remain pervasive…and damaging.
By adolescence, boys tend to have significantly higher self-esteem than girls, especially when it comes to a sense of personal security, faith in their academic competence, valuing their own attractiveness, and feelings of personal mastery. Girls are also two to three times more likely than boys to develop depression during preadolescence and adolescence, an issue researchers have correlated with their self-esteem.
Meanwhile, the world of science and mathematics is plagued by a gender gap that scientists trace back to adolescence, when girls’ faith in their abilities in the subjects tends to plummet, despite evidence that boys and girls have equal abilities in math and and science.
[pullquote align=”center”]“We should treat every child with the utmost respect for their unique ability to learn, develop, and see the world through acceptance.”  
—Trina Krischon[/pullquote]
Although much of the work that needs to be done to correct this is at a societal level, Krischon says parents should be looking at their kids’ individual strengths in helping them build their self-respect, cutting out the gender divide.  
“As parents/society we should treat every child with the utmost respect for their unique ability to learn, develop, and see the world through acceptance,” Krischon notes. “Each child is unique, regardless of gender, and will thrive in an environment that not only provides their most basic of needs but looks to provide positive and enriching experiences that encourage feelings of exploration and individuality regardless of their gender.”
In other words: A son should be treated differently from a daughter, but only because two daughters will also be treated uniquely as they’re unique individuals.  

What Works

So, raising a kid with good self-esteem is not synonymous with raising a kid to think they’re the best thing since sliced bread, the iPhone, and the fidget spinner. Could the real secret be in letting kids feel a little down once in a while?
That’s exactly what the experts say our kids need…balanced with some good old-fashioned praise.
“We have to help our kids tolerate disappointment and accept the reality that they will probably not succeed at everything they try by helping our kids develop skills to tolerate frustration and develop patience and perseverance,” Grosso explains. “We want to offer constructive feedback to help support them in their misadventures and also point out what they did well. Approach feedback as a praise sandwich: specific praise, constructive feedback, specific praise.”
A good praise sandwich might be “You ran so fast today at practice. It’s great to see your runs around the neighborhood at night are helping you increase your endurance. Nice work!” This gives your kid the satisfaction of being praised, but even better, they’re being praised for something they themselves have control over. They made that praise happen with their hard work and discipline.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Help kids gain a sense of mastery by offering them choices so they begin to establish control and self-direction. If kids can succeed on their own accord, they will develop a foundation for learning and positive growth.”
—Christina Grosso[/pullquote]
What’s more, research has shown that parental warmth is a key in helping kids feel good about themselves and develop confidence. They need to hear that we love them and support them, and we can do that by praising their efforts (without piling on false praise). The goal isn’t just to make them feel good, Grosso explains, but to help them develop competence.
“When a child is frustrated by a challenge, help them find ways to problem solve,” she suggests. “Brainstorm ideas, role play and offer choices. Don’t do for your kids to ensure their success. Help kids gain a sense of mastery by offering them choices so they begin to establish control and self-direction. If kids can succeed on their own accord, they will develop a foundation for learning and positive growth.”
If your kids are plagued by self-doubt, worry, and sadness, take heed. Kids who are bullied often have lower self-esteem, and it’s important to take these issues seriously, Grosso cautions. You can talk to your child’s teachers or a school psychologist—but also talk to your kid.
“Encourage kids’ expression through talking, play, art, and music,” Grosso suggests. “This will help them develop a sense of control and “voice” to express thoughts and feelings and help them show us their world. We don’t want to leave them alone on this journey. It is with the support and guidance of their parents/caregivers that they will find their way and develop into happy and confident adults.”
In the end, remember that self-esteem building is part of parenting, but you’re not alone on the journey. Everyone a kid encounters—from classmates to teachers to strangers on a city bus—can have an impact on how our kids see their place in the world. It’s up to us to help them navigate it all.

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More Than Mom Motherhood

The 4 Most Important Lessons I Learned In My First Year As A Mom

I’ll never forget the day my husband and I brought our son home from the hospital, feeling overwhelmed and anxious as the nurse showed us how to strap his tiny, six-pound body into his car seat. It seemed so complicated—snap here, pull there, secure tightly and release. “How are we ever going to do this on our own?” I asked my husband sheepishly as we exited the hospital doors into the snowy January afternoon.
Things didn’t get much easier once we were home. My son was a colicky newborn who cried for hours. Within four months I was diagnosed with postpartum depression (PPD) and it became clear to me that I had to start taking better care of myself. Finding my way out of the darkness of PPD became a journey of self-discovery during which I learned these valuable lessons:

1. There’s no one right way to do things.

As an anxious first-time mom, I spent my entire pregnancy trying to teach myself how to be a parent, and in doing so developed parenting plans based on advice from other moms I met online. I had decided—before I even met my baby—exactly how I wanted to do things. I was going to exclusively breastfeed, cloth diaper until potty training, respond to every cry, and wear my baby constantly.
Well, my son challenged every preconceived notion I had about caring for a newborn, and while some of my “rules” stuck, most of them were just not a good fit. Breastfeeding, as veteran moms know, was far more difficult than I ever thought it would be. We managed to keep it going for 13 months, but it wasn’t easy. We cloth diapered for over a year until it became too hard with travel and daycare.
[pullquote align=”center”]I was going to exclusively breastfeed, cloth diaper until potty training, respond to every cry, and wear my baby constantly.[/pullquote]
On the other hand, responding to every cry sent my anxiety through the roof. Babywearing worked sometimes, although it seemed my son really preferred to be put down and, to be honest, I kind of liked it, too.
In his first year, my son showed me that “best” is relative. What works for one family may not work for another, and that is okay.

2. Babies cry.

It’s obvious right? Babies do cry. Some more than others, and I was not at all prepared for my son’s long bouts of crying. What’s worse is that I had developed this idea that as his mom I should be able to soothe him, and if I couldn’t, then I was failing. In reality, babies cry, and even the best baby whisperers among us can’t always make it stop.  My son’s crying was a huge trigger for my depression, so to improve my mental health I had to re-evaluate how I handled it.  
First, I had to accept that crying is how he communicates. Next, I stopped automatically responding to every sound he made and started truly listening to him. When I did, I found it was much easier to determine when he really needed me and when he might be expressing some other emotion like fatigue or frustration. Most importantly, I learned that crying would not harm him or sever our bond, which was a legitimate worry of mine in the beginning. Fostering his independence and letting him fuss every now and then actually made both of us a lot happier, and I learned he is far more resilient than I gave him credit for.

3. Self-care is not selfish.

My lowest points as a new mom were a direct result of putting myself last—not getting enough sleep, not eating well, and not nurturing my hobbies. It was my son’s pediatrician who insisted I get help after I broke down in tears at her office. She helped me see how my well-being is linked to my son’s, and it was the wake-up call I needed to start taking my health seriously.
[pullquote align=”center”]My son’s crying was a huge trigger for my depression, so to improve my mental health I had to re-evaluate how I handled it.[/pullquote]
I began to lean more on friends and family to help with my baby while I carved out the time to catch up on sleep, eat more nutritiously, and just be alone every now and then. As I slowly got better, I noticed my son seemed happier, too, and I realized that taking care of myself just might be the best thing I can do for him.

4. How to Trust And Love Myself

The biggest lesson my son taught me—and one that he continues to teach me—is that I am a good mom just the way I am and I don’t have to prove that to anyone else. It took time for me to realize there really isn’t a secret parenting manual and that I don’t need outside validation to determine what is best for my child. When I found the courage to tune everyone else’s voices out, I gained confidence in own unique parenting style and both my son and I began to thrive.
These days I’m much better at letting unsolicited advice roll off my shoulders, and while I still stumble sometimes, and I always will, I know the bond I have with my son is strong enough to withstand anything that comes our way.