Category: Motherhood

Like most 20-somethings, I’ve been on the internet for a long time. Long before there were children in my life or even a serious love interest (unless you count a junior high crush), I was spending my free time sending emails to girlfriends on Juno, then chatting on AIM, writing out my teenage angst on Xanga, and then posting songs from my favorite screamo band on Myspace.
So I grew up online. And then, when social media really took off, I was in high school and then moving on to college and adulthood. I grew accustomed to living my life out online, posting pictures of my wedding, my first home, and then my first baby. It was what I had always done, and it didn’t cross my mind that having children should change that in anyway.
Now, I’ve been posting pictures of my children online for over five years. I’ve been careful, to an extent, keeping the pictures appropriate, especially as my children grew older. Recently, I started to wonder if being careful wasn’t enough. They’re too young to consent to me posting pictures of them online, so is every post I make about them an invasion of their privacy?
It’s hard not to feel a little anxious about the choices I’ve made to live my life so transparently online. What will my children think about my social media choices when they’re teens? In 2016, for instance, an 18-year-old sued her parents for sharing over 500 pictures of her childhood on social media. According to USA Today, these Austrian parents hadn’t practiced a lot of discretion, posting pictures of her using the bathroom and sleeping unclothed.
For a generation that became parents in the age of social media, it’s difficult to know what is and isn’t appropriate to share. Cases like these are raising serious questions about each child’s right to privacy, along with the potential for legal consequences when parents don’t respect that right.

Every Child Has a Right to Privacy

“It is very important to teach children how to tell their own story and direct their own narrative,” explains Rob Holmes, a private investigator and security consultant who specializes in handling privacy issues, threats, and intellectual property.
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Unfortunately, for children who have grown up in the social media age, many parents are creating narratives for their children long before that child can consent to sharing that information online. It isn’t the occasional video of a child’s first steps or a photo of their preschool graduation, either. It’s the day-to-day of their lives—good, bad, and embarrassing.

A Nominet and Parent Zone study reveals the sharing done by parents is much more extensive than most realize, with the average parenting sharing roughly 1,500 pictures of their child online before their fifth birthday. This level of oversharing presents two serious issues, in the the opinion of Lisa Vallejos, PhD, who shares her thoughts with HealthyWay from the perspective of a therapist and a mother herself.
First, there are the issues of safety, which is a concern every parent should consider when posting pictures of their child online. In each image shared, including those shared to private accounts, there is code called metadata. This code contains information about the image, like the GPS location and the contact information of the person who took the photo, according to TechTarget.
Secondly, there is the potential of what we share online now becoming a source of shame for our children in the near future. Of course parents think that everything their baby and toddlers do is cute, but it is difficult to predict how those images could be harmful to the child in the future, and Vallegos encourages parents to keep that in mind.
“Particularly in photos that can provoke feelings of shame,” she says. “Once it’s out there, it’s out there, and you can’t get it back.”
She went on to say there is significant potential for these images, from potty training to tantrums, to later be found and have impact on relationships, friendships, and even careers, simply because they exist and could create shame for the child.

Every Child has a Right to Consent

Beyond the obvious impact parents’ online activity has on their children, the choice to post pictures of a child without their knowledge or permission raises big questions about the topic of consent, according to Vallegos. She was quick to point out how current events, specifically multiple allegations of sexual harassment and sexual abuse, should only further motivate parents to take the topic of consent more seriously.
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More specifically, parents should consider the message it sends when they teach their child about consent but then do not respect that child’s own right to consent by oversharing private information about them online.
“We have to talk about consent, and we have to talk about consent from an early age,” she says. “It sends a really mixed message to a kid that they don’t get to consent with their parents, but they’re expected to know what consent is.”

Are there laws that protect children on social media?

If a teenager can sue her parents for sharing her baby photos on social media, does that mean there are laws in place meant to protect children from their parents’ oversharing? Unfortunately, the answer isn’t so black and white.
For example, in France parents have been formally urged to take their child’s privacy seriously, suggesting they shouldn’t be sharing pictures of their kids online at all. They take privacy so seriously that any parent who is sued by their child for a breach of privacy could pay as much as €45,000 in fines or spend a year in prison, according to The Verge.
In the States, there is obviously a much more relaxed stance on the subject of privacy for minors, but that doesn’t necessarily mean sharing online is without legal risk, according to Robert Ellis Smith, an attorney and the publisher of The Privacy Journal.

“Generally, parents are able to give consent to use photographs for their children until they reach the age of consent,” he says, explaining that the age of consent varies from state to state but is typically between 16 and 18 years old. “Commercial exploitation of a photo or use of one showing highly embarrassing or sensitive features may override this rule of law.”

Relearning Social Media Use

Personally, as someone who has shared extensively online about my life as a mom and my kids’ childhoods, I’m beginning to feel some regret about my online habits. I’ve done the research, I’ve talked to the experts, and it has become pretty clear—posting about my kids online doesn’t benefit anyone but me.
At times, it feels like sharing photos of my kids is a right that I have as a parent, but now I find myself questioning that assumption. There seems to be a big difference between texting my mom a picture of one of her grandkids covered in food after a dinner of red sauce and pasta and posting that same image online for hundreds of followers and friends to see. I’m frustrated with myself that I haven’t seen that line until now, and I find myself wondering why I got into the habit in the first place.
“I think it could be that it’s just normal and accepted now,” says Vallejos, noting that although many assume it’s a symptom of narcissism, she believes that is rarely the case. “People don’t really think about the implications or the deeper issues.”

I don’t care how much I post my kid on social media, he’s my life.

— Grace (@grace_laster) January 11, 2018

There is also the issue of competition and comparison, which I would love to believe I am immune to, but I know that is not true. It’s fairly typical for parents to feel a bit of competition with others, and children are a great source of validation, according to Vallejos.
For parents like me, who have spent so much of their lives on social media, it may be time to relearn how to use social media. I know that I have a lot to think about moving forward concerning what I post online.
There are two pieces of advice Vallejos offers to parents who feel they have already made mistakes when it comes to their kids’ privacy and social media. First, she suggests parents own the mistake, admit it to their kids, and decide not to get stuck in the shame. This is a good opportunity for parents to be transparent with their kids, admit their mistake, and explain that moving forward they will ask them for permission before posting anything about them online. Secondly, and more practically, she suggests doing the work of removing or hiding pictures and status updates that breach your child’s privacy.
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As for me, I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. At first thought, it seems extreme to wipe my child’s identity from the internet. At the same time, I no longer feel like it was my choice to share their childhood, to write their story, to begin with. And so, I’ve started the work of slowly saving what I want to keep to a thumbdrive and deleting the rest. I can’t undo the oversharing I have done online, but I can do everything possible to lessen the impact it has on my child.

Since starting my family, I’ve taken at least a dozen pregnancy tests. It’s always such a rush of emotions: a dose of excitement, a little fear, and lots of anticipation. My hands usually shake as I open the package, review the instructions, pee…and then wait.
Is there a new little life forming inside my womb? Will I see two lines or one? With the line be too faint to read? Am I testing too early? Do these dollar store pregnancy tests really work?
They do work, I can assure you, and I’m so happy my midwife encouraged me to stop spending more than necessary for at-home pregnancy tests!

In the 21st century, it’s easy to determine whether or not you’re pregnant. But just two generations ago, things weren’t as predictable. In the 1940s, when my grandmother was first expecting, there were no tests she could take at home. It took a visit to the doctor and lots of waiting to determine if there was a bun in the oven.
It wasn’t until 1976 that the first FDA approved at-home pregnancy test, called e.p.t., short for “Early Pregnancy Test” and later “Error Proof Test.” In 1977, it hit the market. “For your $10,” read a 1978 article in the magazine Mademoiselle, “you get pre-measured ingredients consisting of a vial of purified water, a test tube containing, among other things, sheep red blood cells…as well as a medicine dropper and clear plastic support for the test tube, with an angled mirror at the bottom.”

That test took two hours to produce results. Considering my complaints about the two minutes I’ve had to wait for my own fate…well, let’s just say that I’m thrilled I didn’t start taking pregnancy tests until 2010!
Nonetheless, women immediately appreciated the convenience of at-home testing. “By 1978 home testing was a $40 million market,” The New York Times reports, and that number is expected to exceed $1 billion by 2020, said the co-inventor of Lia, “the first flushable, biodegradable home pregnancy test.” More on Lia later.

Seeing that women have been suspecting pregnancy and having babies since the beginning of human history, there were plenty of other ways to confirm—or try to confirm—pregnancy before home testing became available. Some realistic, others…well, read on.

The First Urine Test

The Egyptians were the first to discover a somewhat accurate way to determine pregnancy around 1350 BCE, according to the NIH report.
It was similar to modern days tests in the fact that urine was tested, but in the Egyptians’ case, the wondering woman would urinate on a barley and wheat seeds over the course of a few days. If the seeds grew, she was expecting. If they did not, she was not.

This theory was tested in 1963, and scientists found it to have a surprising level of accuracy when it came to pregnancy: 70 percent. “Scholars have identified this as perhaps the first test to detect a unique substance in the urine of pregnant women, and have speculated that elevated levels of estrogens in pregnant women’s urine may have been the key to its success,” wrote the National Institute of Health’s office of history.

French Persuasian

Jacques Guillemeau, a 16th century surgeon, believed that a woman’s eyes were the tip-off for pregnancy.

In Child-birth; Or, The Happy Delivery of Women, he wrote that a pregnant woman’s eyes become deep-set with small pupils. They would also have droopy eyelids and swollen veins in the corners. Well, it turns out none of Guillemeau’s observations are indicative of a bun in the oven, though eyesight does often change during pregnancy.

Jump ahead to the 19th century, and another French physician, James Read Chadwick, observed that a woman’s cervix, labia, and vagina would significantly darken or turn a blue color hue around the eighth week of pregnancy. This sign is accurate, but was an unlikely test due to the modesty of the times. Still, the method has been historically noted and today is often called the Chadwick’s sign.

A Hop and a Prayer

“When I started medical school, we literally had to wait for the rabbit to die to see if someone was pregnant,” recalled Mary Jane Minkin, MD, in a previous interview with HealthyWay.
Starting in the 1930s and lasting into the ’70s, a somewhat barbaric test was done where a woman’s urine was injected into the veins of a live, female rabbit. If the pregnancy hormone human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) was present in the urine, the rabbit would ovulate and confirm that the woman was pregnant.

“Unfortunately, this method came at a tremendous cost to the rabbits—their lives!” wrote Jenny Lelwica Buttaccio for HealthyWay. “The rabbit’s ovaries couldn’t be seen without an autopsy or surgery to remove the ovaries; the latter was typically deemed a waste of effort.”
A similar test could be done with African clawed toad, but, since toads externally ovulate through spawning, the test didn’t cost them their lives. Rather, frogs were just observed to see if they would spawn within 24 hours of the injection.
 

To Wait, Or To Test

The most basic and non-invasive way to determine pregnancy has always been to pay attention to symptoms. Pregnancy symptoms peak early in the first trimester, so if exact conception dates are not known, other signs surely tell the tale.
Sunny Jun, MD of The Colorado Center of Reproductive Medicine San Francisco lists the following and signs that usually mean a baby is on board: missed period, swollen and tender breasts, increased fatigue, moodiness, nausea, food aversions or cravings, spotting, headaches, and light headedness.

But those symptoms don’t always point to pregnancy. Hence, the interest in pregnancy tests: something more exact. Women have always craved answers about their bodies, then and most definitely now.
Now, when a woman browses the aisles of the drugstore, she has countless options of at-home pregnancy tests. They all, in effect, do the same thing: evaluate the concentration of the hCG. If taken in the proper window, the tests are 99 percent accurate, according to the Mayo Clinic.

“A urine or blood pregnancy test is checking for the beta subunit of the [hCG] hormone,” says Jun. “The urine test can detect as early as several days prior to the two weeks after ovulation. If done too early, it may come back as falsely negative.” For optimal accuracy, the Mayo Clinic recommends women take at-home tests one day to one week after their missed period.
Blood tests are more accurate but require a visit to the doctor, whereas a urine test can be done at home…or in the bathroom of the store where the test was purchased, if time is of the essence!

What All Pregnancy Tests Have in Common

No matter the testing method—modern day or way back when—there are a number of commonalities when trying to find out if a woman is pregnant. First, is the analysis of urine. This is most common and most accurate, although as we’ve learned the accuracy wavered over time depending on the exact method.

Second is the observation of physical changes. Accuracy varies greatly with this, but upon conception, a woman’s body begins to change inside and out. Eventually, whether through a test, calculated dates, or a growing belly bump, pregnancy becomes obvious.

What’s next?

It has been four decades since the at-home pregnancy test became available for regular consumers. Science and medical advances are made every day, and yet, for years, there have been no updates in the realm of pregnancy testing. Until now.

In mid-2018, a new pregnancy test launches from Lia Diagnostics.
Lia, as the test is being called, is 99 percent accurate and encompasses the same science as the tests that currently line drugstore shelves. But there is one important difference: Lia is flushable and therefore “better for the environment and more discrete for women,” according to Jun.
Just like other at-home pregnancy tests, Lia assesses the level of hCG in a woman’s urine. Simply pee on the stick, lay it flat, and read the line(s) that appear. One line is negative, two lines, positive. Then, though, you can flush the test. That’s the game changer.

All other pregnancy tests are plastic and must be thrown in the garbage. This is both bad for the environment and bad for the suspecting woman’s privacy. With a flushable test, not only can the test stay out of the landfill, the results can be kept private. A woman can choose to reveal her positive or negative test to whomever she chooses, whenever she chooses, without fear of the results being discovered in the waste bin.
From the days of watching wheat and barley seeds grow, to the discreet, flushable hCG-reading devices on the horizon, pregnancy tests span a huge portion of human history. They show how far science has come.

In coming years, advancements will surely be made in the rate of accuracy in detecting early pregnancy. Currently, the most sensitive test reads with a 79 percent accuracy at six days before a woman’s missed period. Perhaps one day it will be even earlier with an even higher rate of accuracy.

Giving birth is one of the hardest, most rewarding things I have ever done. I carried three babies and then welcomed them into the world. Each experience was wildly different: one induction, one short labor and delivery, and one long birth that stalled so many times I thought he’d never arrive.
At the same time, in the grand scheme of things, my births were all very simple. They were unique and special for me, but there was nothing extraordinary about them when compared to the huge spectrum of potential birth experiences. I had contractions, I got an epidural, and I pushed until my baby joined the world.
Birth is an experience that is different from mom to mom. It’s completely natural and typically follows the same pattern of events, but it can also be unpredictable and unexpected. For new moms, or moms who simply want a different experience from their last, there are seemingly endless birthing decisions to make. Will you have your baby in a hospital or at home? Will you get an epidural or use other methods to manage the pain? Here are the options.

Getting Things Started

Unless you are scheduled for a cesarean section, your body has to go into labor before you can actually give birth. Modern moms are offered the option to wait for spontaneous labor or have their labor induced, typically through the use of a drug called Pitocin.

When it comes to getting things started, there are many benefits to letting nature take its course. It is generally accepted that spontaneous labor is associated with a lower risk of intervention, specifically decreasing the risk of needing a c-section or an epidural, as documented in a study published in The Journal of Reproductive Medicine. Elective induction, meaning induction without a clear medical need for it, is found to increase the risk of needing a c-section, having an epidural, and causing concerning heart rate changes in the unborn child.
At the same time, benefits of induction do exist for mothers who are over 41 weeks gestation. For these moms, who have carried longer than typical pregnancies, elective induction actually reduces the risk of a c-section compared to moms who wait for spontaneous labor past 41 weeks, according to a medical data compiled by Stanford-UCSF Evidence-Based Practice Center.

Of course, there are also cases when induction is no longer considered elective because the mom or baby’s condition requires an early delivery. In some cases, such a placenta previa, a scheduled c-section is required to protect the baby and the mother’s help, according to James Betoni, a leading high risk maternal fetal medicine OB-GYN Boise, Idaho.

Does environment matter?

We’ve covered the question of when a mom gives birth, but what about where? Moms can choose between a hospital birth, home birth, or birthing center. Although the popularity of home births has increased over the last decade and a half, most mothers still plan to have their babies in the hospital. Home births accounted for .89 percent of all births in 2012, the last year the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention collected data on this subject, and .39 percent of moms chose a birthing center.
It’s difficult to compare the benefits of in-hospital and out-of-hospital births. For instance, a 2015 study published in The New England Journal of Medicine did find differences existed between in-hospital and out-of-hospital births, but they were not only insignificant, the study also noted that negative outcomes of births were very low in both situations. More specifically, fetal death was more likely in an out-of-hospital births, but only slightly, and the difference was not enough to be considered statistically significant. One thing worth noting was that obstetrical intervention, specifically c-sections, were more likely in planned hospital births than in planned home births.

Even so, the choice to deliver a baby at home or in a birthing center is a controversial one. Although the United Kingdom has taken an official stance on the subject, encouraging low-risk mothers to consider home births, the United States is more resistant to the idea.
“For low risk women who are properly screened, home birth is a safe option,” says Christina M. Kocis, certified nurse midwife and doctor of nursing practice, director of the Division of Midwifery at Stony Brook University Hospital. “I think we don’t have an infrastructure or a system here that supports that as they do in the UK.”

She also notes that because the UK supports home births, these births tend to be attended by certified midwives who are actually part of the national healthcare system; this isn’t the case in the United States. Of course, it is possible to find properly trained and licensed midwives in the United States, but mothers should be aware that there are lay midwives practicing here and ensure that their home birth team has received proper licensure.
In addition to the choice between hospital, home, and birthing center, there is the choice of water birth or giving birth in bed. Unfortunately, there is not a lot of research available on potential negative outcomes associated with these two choices. One study, published in 2016 in The Journal of Midwifery and Women’s Health, found no risks for babies associated with their mother choosing a water birth but noted that moms might be at an increased risk for genital tract trauma.

Of course, risk factors aren’t the only thing worth considering. For moms who are looking for alternative pain management options, a water birth might be an appropriate choice since it is believed to offer the benefits of added comfort and helping to calm the mother, according to the American Pregnancy Association.

Drug-Free or Pain-Free?

The next choice moms have to make might be among the most debated of birthing choices. Should mom get an epidural, or should she opt for a birth free of pain medication?

There are some downsides to electing to have an epidural, according to a study published in Obstetrics and Gynecology International. Research suggests that having an epidural is associated with a slower second stage of labor which may increase the likelihood of c-section. And mothers who have an epidural are at an increased risk of an assisted delivery, meaning medical instruments are used during the delivery to remove the baby from the birth canal.

There are no risks associated with giving birth without pain medication, however, as Kocis points out, physiological effects are not the only thing to consider in this decision.
“There may be patients who need pain medication who, as a result of using pain medication, may … have a birth that, in retrospect, was either calmer or, in their opinion, may be less traumatic for some women,” she explains. “But the same can hold true for women who get the medication.”
This choice is one that is difficult to generalize, according to Kocis, and that seems to be true based on what moms who have experienced either an epidural or a drug-free birth share with HealthyWay.

“The whole experience was fantastic. I was fortunate to have a quick labor, but I really appreciated being in control of my body,” shares Betsy Larson, a mom of one who opted out of an epidural for her planned hospital birth. “I wasn’t confined like I was concerned I would be with an epidural.”

In comparison, Erin Heger, a mom of one who also had a planned hospital birth without an epidural, says that the advantage of being in control and having the support of her doula was great, but it wasn’t worth the pain and exhaustion she experienced.
“I will not be doing it again,” she says of her drug-free birth.

Laboring Techniques

An epidural isn’t the only method for managing pain during labor. When it comes to laboring techniques, HypnoBirth and the Bradley Method seem to be the most popular among today’s moms. Much of want is known about the benefits of these laboring techniques is anecdotal, according to a comparison of the two written in The Journal of Perinatal Education.

However, this research does make it clear that each of these methods holds benefits for moms with specific desires and circumstances. HypnoBirth, for instance, is heavily focused on pain management through self-hypnosis, making it a great option for women committed to managing their pain themselves or who are without a supportive partner.

In comparison, the Bradley Method is all about the partner, teaching the significant other to be the laboring mother’s coach through the labor and delivery. Each of these methods can be incredibly helpful to laboring moms, according to Kocis, but much of the success is dependent on the mother (and her partner) and their ability to commit to really learning the practices of the technique.
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Ultimately, when it comes to making choices about how and where a mom will labor, the choice is all about her specific medical needs and her preferences. What one mom wants or needs may be vastly different from another mom’s hope for her birth, and it is important to spend time reflecting on that before making a decision. Most importantly, moms should be sure they are educated so they can make good choices for themselves and their baby.

Basics for the complex:
The way you give birth is NOT a competition. Natural, C-section, or Epidural does not define you as a mom. A mom is a mom.

— Tanya Sparkles (@Tanya__Sparkles) January 22, 2018

“There is no one answer,” explains Betoni. “Every patient is different and every story is different. When there is an option, as long as the patients are educated, the mom should have a say.”

I wish I was one of those people who could let things go.
Some things, I can. Like how my car seems to pile up with coats, books, and ten sippy cups. Other things, I cannot. Like how I don’t craft with my kids enough, especially my super artistic daughter. Or how I turn to the television as a babysitter more days than not. Or raise my voice over a glass of spilled milk (literally, it happened this week).
At night, when my precious children are tucked into bed, I sneak into their rooms and often whisper, “Mama is sorry, I’m trying, I love you so very much.” I’ll kiss them, tuck their covers, and tiptoe out, promising that tomorrow will be better. I’ll be better.
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“When we feel guilt, it is a signal that we are making a choice that is not aligned with who we want to be in the world.”
—Alexandra Solomon, PhD[/pullquote]
In many ways, I am a wonderful mother. But it’s those nagging regrets that I mull over at night. As much as I detest the weight of that guilt, part of me is happy for my parenting regrets. Wyatt Fisher, PsyD, a licensed psychologist, says, “ … having some guilt is a sign of being an effective, conscientious parent because you’re reflecting on how you’ve done and where you could have improved.”
Regrets push me to become a better parent, show my kids that mistakes are okay, and most importantly, teach them how to resolve their own regrets by modeling the path I take with my own. That’s what I’m thankful for: the teaching opportunity that regrets provide.
I think most moms and dads would concur that our parenting regrets are bountiful. But through them, we adapt and grow. “Strange as it may sound, guilt can actually be a helpful emotion when we relate to our guilt in a healthy manner,” says Alexandra Solomon, PhD, a practicing clinical psychologist and Northwestern University professor. “When we feel guilt, it is a signal that we are making a choice that is not aligned with who we want to be in the world. … We can use guilt as a motivation to course-correct.”
So, what regrets do parents have most of all when evaluating their parenting? I’m sure you can agree, regrets range from simple and light-hearted to serious game-changers. A few parents are baring it all with the regrets they’ve experienced, and their transparency is no doubt an opportunity for us to all learn.

Letting Screens Rule

Jody Fritz, a mom of two grown children, says, “I have very few regrets, but two nag me. I wished I’d significantly limited screen time and increased the amount of family responsibility through chores and yard work.”

This really resonates with me. Fewer screens, more outside time and training for real life. After all, we only have 18 years to make sure our kids are ready for adulthood. Television, iPads, and the like don’t do much in the way of preparing kids for the responsibilities to come. Shadowing us through daily life and then adopting some of our responsibilities as their own do.

Resolving this regret begins with, you guessed it, y-o-u. Fisher says, “… if you regret not setting better boundaries for [your kids] with technology … be sure to model healthy boundaries now with technology because actions speak louder than words.” Phones down, mom and dad—it starts with us.

Going Too Fast

It’s common these days to hear about being present—the whole “stop and smell the roses” mentality. It’s easy to say, much harder to practice. Life is fast. Our to-do lists are long. Day in and day out, our kids need us hundreds of times, and parents are run ragged trying to keep up. It’s hard to slow down and just enjoy the little things.

Lori Heller, a mom of three, says her biggest parenting regret is not “slowing down more [and] enjoying the everyday moment.” She continues: “I’m realizing how fast it goes by. My kids are growing so fast, I feel like I missed so much by trying to be the perfect mom.” And even the “perfect moms” (the ones we see while scrolling through social media) make mistakes. Promise.

Heller isn’t the only one with this regret. Melissa Swofford, a mom of five, shares, “Life is so busy and chaotic so much of the time—I have to stop and remind myself that I won’t get these moments back. So what if our sink is overflowing with dishes? Stop for that one second to take in what ever ‘the moment’ may entail.”

Being a Worrywart

So many parents shared that they regret allowing worry to consume them. From babies’ milestones to coughing fits to school choices to grades, worry is a natural part of parenting. But the goal is to push that worry to the backseat.

“Choose to be led by love instead,” Tesse Struve, founder of Millennial Mom Coaching says. “When you lead with love and choose your actions from a place of love instead of fear, you will start to feel better about your choices and actions around your family.”

Prioritizing the Wrong Things

Most parents would say that their family is their number one priority, the driving force behind all they do. But do our actions really line up with our words? Not always. Daniel Reeser, a dad of two, provides a great example of what aligning our priorities really looks like. He says that he regrets “not taking enough time off work (even though I had extra time to take) after my first child was born to support mom at home more.”
The good news is that baby number two followed, and Reeser made a change: “[With my] second, I took more time off work than mom did, and it was great!”

Gayla Duerr, a mom of four grown children, says that when she reflects back on raising her children, she “would opt for much less time sitting in bleachers and more time serving together as a family.” Sports are such a part of our culture that it’s hard to say no, especially when our kids participate alongside their friends. But I think Duerr relays an important idea. Are we trying to raise athletes or people who are ready and willing to give back to their community? Where we devote our time speaks volumes.

Not Taking Care of Myself

Heidi Duncan, a mom of one, points to the earliest days of her parenting when thinking about her regrets. “[I regret] that I didn’t address my postpartum depression earlier. It sucked the life and joy out of early motherhood.”

Duncan isn’t alone: More than 600,000 women suffer from postpartum depression every year. Self-care doesn’t stop at postpartum though. Parents can’t pour from an empty cup, and as I always say, a well taken care of mom is able to take care of her family well.

Giving Social Media Power

We live in a digital age, and social media isn’t something that can be 100 percent avoided. Many parents regret how social media affects them, and Jamie Durham, a mom of four, says that she most regrets “allowing social media to dictate how I raise my kids … I felt condemned that no matter what I chose to do, I was doing it wrong according to someone.”
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Durham says that since identifying this, she has worked to set boundaries and focus more on knowing her own family, “[which] turns out to be the best way of knowing what they need. No article or blog post can teach me that!”

Mom Twitter is canceled. Y’all are too much.

— michelle (@lynnmishy11) January 27, 2018

Mark Sharp, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist, sees all too often how the influx of information affects parents. He says, “I would encourage parents to make sure they are forming their own values and acting from them rather than listening too much to the myriad of messages out there telling them how to be a good parent. Our culture is quick to judge parents, but the most important things are simple: love your kids, value them, let them know those things, and then do the best you can.”

Struve affirms the steps Durham took to overcome her regret: “The first step to handling any guilt or regret over a parenting choice is to identify what you are feeling and why.” That’s exactly what Durham did. And now she balances a little social media with a lot of family knowledge.

Say goodbye to regret.

Solomon says the first step in moving past regret and the shame associated with it is to say it out loud: “Shame grows in silence, so one step toward shifting out of a place of shame is giving it voice—to your partner, to your therapist, to your trusted friend. Receiving some empathy from someone you trust can break the shame and help you move into a place of committing to making different choices.”

If you’re holding on to some deep-seated regret within your parent/child relationship, make plans to get it off your chest. That momentum will empower you to revisit your values, apologize if needed, and move into a better place.
Struve recommends putting a positive spin on regret, “… sit down and write down all of the wonderful things you have done right as a parent. When you start focusing on the positive, then you can release the regret and the guilt, and move your family into a space of joy and fulfillment.”
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“There’s no such thing as a perfect parent, so each parent’s journey is to figure out how to be good enough.”
—Alexandra Solomon, PhD
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And who doesn’t want more of that? This might even be an opportunity to get the kids involved. More than anyone, they’ll be able to identify what you’re doing well. According to my son, I’m “the best snuggler ever,” and my daughter told me that I’m “really good at planning fun things.” It warmed my heart to hear, and now, during my night time rounds, I’m choosing to focus more on the positive highlights of our day rather than dwelling on my missteps.
Solomon notes: “If you are beating yourself up about mistake and regrets, you are actually keeping yourself stuck. Shifting to more positive self-talk will help you find the strength you need to practice the kind of parenting you want to practice.”
So, say it with me: “I’m a really awesome parent!” Say it loud and proud because you are. You have an amazing heart brimming with love and devotion for your children. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be evaluating your regrets and striving to grow as a parent. Solomon shares a final bit of encouragement: “Parenting stirs up every single old wound, trauma, insecurity, and fear that we have. Every. Single. One. Every parent needs to do the difficult and courageous work of figuring out what it means to be a ‘good enough parent.’ There’s no such thing as a perfect parent, so each parent’s journey is to figure out how to be good enough. Stay committed to doing your emotional work as a parent…for your sake and for your kids’ sake!”