Categories
Mindful Parenting Motherhood

The Boy Scouts Are Allowing Girls, But Is There Such A Thing As Too Much Inclusivity?

This year, the Boy Scouts of America are making changes.
In February 2019, the organization will officially drop the word “boy” and change its name to “Scouts BSA.” It’s not an idle change; for the first time in its history, the Scouts are allowing girls to join and progress through scouting ranks, eventually earning the coveted Eagle Scout designation.

Eagle scout award
iStock.com/gloch

“The leadership of the BSA determined that the best way to welcome girls to serve today’s families is to offer a unique model that builds on the proven benefits of our single-gender program, while also providing character and leadership opportunities for both boys and girls,” a representative of the organization tells HealthyWay via email.
The move is somewhat controversial—and understandably so, since major changes to century-old organizations usually create some amount of controversy. But the Scouts’ new inclusivity highlights a cultural shift toward gender neutrality; these days, separating kids by biological sex seems almost arbitrary.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/dlinca

Of course, the Scouts aren’t totally ignoring gender. The organization claims the change is practical, geared toward getting more families involved with scouting.
“Now families can choose to sign up their sons and daughters for Cub Scouts,” the organization’s spokesperson explains. “Chartered partner organizations may choose to establish a new girl pack, establish a pack that consists of girl dens and boy dens, or remain an all-boy pack. Dens will be single gender—all boys or all girls.”
girls sitting and talking
iStock.com/SolStock

We asked whether the Scouts have received any significant backlash from members.
“Response has been very positive,” the spokesperson says. “In fact, 8,912 girls have already joined the Cub Scouts.”
That’s a surprisingly large—and incredibly specific—number. The Cub Scout program, by the way, is the largest of the BSA’s scouting divisions, open to boys and girls from first through fifth grade.
“Many of our current families, Scouts, donors, volunteers, and professional staff are in support of this decision, and in a number of cases from our Early Adopter efforts, we have heard that more parents have started volunteering since their entire family could now be involved.”

But soon after the Scouts announced the change, another major organization harshly criticized the move.

“Girl Scouts is the best girl leadership organization in the world, created with and for girls,” the Girl Scouts wrote in a blog shortly after the Scouts BSA announced their name change. While the blog didn’t mention the Scouts BSA by name, the message was clear.
“We believe strongly in the importance of the all-girl, girl-led, and girl-friendly environment that Girl Scouts provides, which creates a free space for girls to learn and thrive.”

Girl scouts walking together
Bureau of Reclamation/Flickr

The Girl Scouts—long maligned by traditionalists for their progressive stances on LGBT acceptance—were, in a sense, criticizing the Boy Scouts for being too inclusive. Their rationale: Some amount of gender exclusivity is healthy.
“The benefit of the single-gender environment has been well-documented by educators, scholars, other girl- and youth-serving organizations, and Girl Scouts and their families,” the blog post continued. “Girl Scouts offers a one-of-a-kind experience for girls with a program tailored specifically to their unique developmental needs.”
Girl roasting marshmallow
iStock.com/andresr

The blog, however, did not provide any references to support its “well-documented” benefits. It’s true that some educators and researchers believe single-gender structures can have benefits for kids. The science, however, is a bit complicated.

Let’s start with a widespread myth: Biological gender differences are, for the most part, overstated.

Some arguments against gender-neutral groups often cited psychological differences between boys and girls.
Those differences aren’t exactly clear-cut, however. According to the American Psychological Association, a 2005 meta-analysis indicated “that men and women are basically alike in terms of personality, cognitive ability and leadership.” From adolescence to adulthood, males and females are more similar than dissimilar.

HealthyWay
iStock.com/gradyreese

We know what you’re thinking; boys and girls are different, almost from birth. But while some other studies show more defined differences between boys and girls, gender roles and social context play an enormous role—an objectively more significant role than neurological differences.
For example, one meta-analysis looked at the stereotype that boys are generally better than girls at math. The research showed that boys and girls perform equally well in the subject until they reach high school. Through high school, boys gain a minor advantage.
Girl taking math test at school
iStock.com/diego_cervo

Even so, women are underrepresented in STEM fields. We can blame established gender roles for that unfortunate reality, along with key differences in how boys and girls are treated in classrooms. One study found that elementary school teachers routinely value boys’ comments over girls’ comments, and that, while boys are eight times more likely to call out in class without raising their hands, girls who called out were more likely to get a reminder to raise their hands next time.
kids with raised hands in classroom
iStock.com/skynesher

Those social differences are troubling, but again, they’re not physiological. We can’t really blame any fundamental differences between male and female brains for the distinctions, and we can’t really use physiological differences as an argument against mixed-gender activities.

The physical differences between the sexes might be a better argument for some single-gender groups.

In that area, the differences between boys and girls are obviously more pronounced. If an activity requires certain physical traits, it makes sense to limit enrollment to a single sex.
Except, of course, when it doesn’t.
In 2013, 12-year-old Madison Paige Baxter made headlines when her school, Strong Rock Christian School, kicked her off their football team. Madison had been a successful player, but according to her mother, Cassy Blythe, an official from the school said the boys on the team might “think of [Madison] in an impure way.”

HealthyWay
iStock.com/Ales-A

As Strong Rock Christian School is a private institution, it was not subject to Title IX regulations, which prevent public schools from discriminating on the basis of sex.
The case brought an interesting tangle to the inclusivity discussion: Madison was apparently kicked off the team because of the way that boys might react, not because of concerns for her safety or a desire to provide boys with a single-gender group activity.
The ejection was, in a word, unfair—not simply because it excluded Madison, but because it did so for the wrong reason.
Young football player looking at the field
iStock.com/pkripper503

“My mom counted that I had five sacks,” Madison said at the time in an interview with ABC News. “The entire crowd thought it was one of their boys but when they saw my number and looked at the roster, they saw it was me. It’s taking that fun that I had for a year and snatching it right out from under me.”

That’s not to say there isn’t any justifiable reason to separate activities by gender.

Our point is simply that questions of inclusivity need to be treated carefully. In some situations, gender exclusivity might actually be beneficial for kids.
Remember those social constructs we mentioned earlier? They’re certainly powerful, and in order to correct them, we need to teach young girls to recognize them. Boys and girls are treated differently by our society, and sometimes there’s nothing wrong with recognizing those differences.

HealthyWay
iStock.com/SerrNovik

The Girl Scouts provide an excellent example. Writing for Slate, Parrish Turner notes that the organization provides kids with important lessons and leadership that wouldn’t be possible with a mixed-gender membership. Because the Girl Scouts assumes its members are female, scout leaders are able to talk about sexual harassment, discrimination, and various other topics specifically directed at women. They’re able to promote STEM fields, encourage girls to innovate, and give kids a safe space to develop into strong women.
Girl is working on her robotics stem project
iStock.com/Kerkez

With that said, moderation is still crucial. We do know from research that mixed-gender friendships and activities can be helpful, and when there’s no reason to separate the sexes, it’s probably best to let them mingle. One study found that increasing cross-gender interactions actually diminishes aggression; in schools where those types of interactions were rare, cross-gender friendships created “status distinctions” that magnified the effect.
Kids playing together
iStock.com/Rawpixel

In other words, in social environments where boys and girls aren’t typically expected to be friends, cross-gender friendships can have a powerful beneficial effect on behavior and, potentially, development.

Gender-exclusive situations may be helpful, but the reasoning behind them needs to be clear.

Ultimately, gender-exclusive groups aren’t necessarily a bad thing, provided the exclusion is occurring for a good reason. Kicking girls off a football team because the boys might have “impure thoughts” is harmful reasoning; establishing a girls-only group to give kids powerful female role models is perfectly reasonable.

HealthyWay
iStock.com/SolStock

As for the Boy Scouts—soon to be called the Scouts BSA—the move towards inclusivity seems like a practical one to drive recruitment and keep families involved in scouting. It’s also not quite as inclusive as the headlines might indicate; single-gender packs and dens will still exist. Time will tell, but scouting purists probably don’t have to worry about the organization changing in profound ways.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/pyotr021

In the meantime, a mix of single- and mixed-gender activities seem like an appropriate foundation for well-rounded children. More important is that we keep discussing gender imbalances—and making sure that when we’re excluding kids from anything, we’re doing it for the right reasons.

Categories
Mindful Parenting Motherhood

The Problem With YouTube: Protecting Kids From A Bizarre, Dangerous Trend

Parents, we need to talk about YouTube.
With over a billion users, YouTube’s audience includes nearly one-third of all of the people on the internet. By any measure, the site’s an excellent entertainment resource—for adults.
For kids, it’s problematic. We’re not talking about mature videos, intended for adults, that children might accidentally stumble onto while looking for something to watch; we’re talking about disturbing, shocking videos purposely created for children. Some of those videos are capable of traumatizing children, and if you allow your kids to browse the site unsupervised, you’re taking a significant risk.

HealthyWay
iStock.com/PeopleImages

Here’s a basic overview of the problem: YouTube uses various algorithms to match search terms to appropriate videos. Type in a search term like, “how to cut a dog’s hair,” and the site will provide you with a list of (relatively) high-quality instructional videos; if one of those videos is subpar, poor user ratings will eventually drive that clip from the search results.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/Tarık Kızılkaya

While YouTube (and Google, which owns YouTube) keeps its search algorithm factors a secret, we know that likes, dislikes, video length, and exact-match keywords play a significant role. That last point is crucial: If a video matches the exact keywords you type into the search bar, it’ll have a better chance of showing up on your search results.

For the most part, the system works great—for adults.

Children, however, don’t know how to search for content like adults.
When younger kids look for videos on YouTube, they’re often typing in a few simple keywords and clicking on the first interesting clip that comes up. They don’t know how to like or dislike videos, and they don’t mind sitting through longer content.
They also don’t recognize video titles that flagrantly take advantage of YouTube’s search algorithm. That makes them easy prey for content creators.

HealthyWay
iStock.com/FluxFactory

For instance, if an adult searches “how to cut a dog’s hair” and finds a video titled, “cut dog hair how to cut dog hair cut golden retriever hair dog barber,” the adult will probably recognize that the video is trying to trick people into clicking; a toddler wouldn’t draw the same conclusion.
That brings us to the problem. YouTube’s algorithm currently rewards videos that steal copyrighted characters, use crass titles, and contain shocking content. If the clips keep young kids clicking, they’re valuable—regardless of whether the content itself is harmful.
Take a look at this clip:
https://youtu.be/lfwxfQoobiA
Titled, “Disney Pixar Coco 2 Miguel Hector Wrong Heads Finger family Nursery Rhymes song,” it’s a relatively harmless (if slightly disturbing) example of the problem. It’s clearly designed for extremely young viewers, and at over 10 minutes long, it has probably made some decent money for its creator (the YouTube channel Super Story).
With that said, it steals copyrighted content and purposely exploits YouTube’s algorithm to do so.
That video we linked currently has more than 3.6 million views. Super Story has dozens of similar videos, most of which have tens of thousands of views.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/hocus-focus

Another video (which we won’t link here and have reported to YouTube) has a similarly exploitative title, but with a lewd keyword hashtag. It contains violent, bizarre content, including Mickey Mouse fighting while dressed up as various Marvel superheroes. It’s over 35 minutes long.
While these examples are strange, we’re just scratching the surface. Other clips include explicit sexual content, bad language, and depictions of violent acts. We’re not linking those videos for obvious reasons.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Eh8WQfwDnk
Unfortunately, they’re fairly easy to find, and thanks to YouTube’s current algorithm, they’re extremely profitable for content creators. For a much more detailed look at the content algorithm issues, check out this excellent piece from James Bridle of Medium.

YouTube claims to have taken steps to curb the problem.

In August 2017, the site said it wouldn’t allow creators to make money from videos that “made inappropriate use of family-friendly characters,” and three months later, YouTube announced stricter controls for videos aimed at young children. The company claimed the new controls had been in development for some time and said that they were not introduced in response to widespread media coverage.

HealthyWay
iStock.com/LSOphoto

However, the problem hasn’t disappeared. While researching this article, we easily found over a dozen disturbing videos that were clearly marketed toward young children. Some of the videos were over a year old. Some had millions of views.
We reported the offensive links to YouTube, and will not link to those clips in this article, but parents who want to understand the extent of the issue can do so by adding a few offensive terms to kid-friendly search strings (for instance, “finger family,” or “nursery rhymes”).
HealthyWay
iStock.com/laflor

This isn’t to say that YouTube isn’t taking action, but thousands of videos exist, and they don’t disappear from search results after they’re de-monetized. While YouTube’s strategy could eventually curb the problem, it relies on volunteer moderators and adults who can flag offensive videos before kids get a chance to see them.
For parents, that’s not good enough.

To keep your kids safe, here’s what you need to do.

The obvious answer is to prevent kids from using YouTube and to thoroughly monitor screen time until kids are old enough to understand how to use the website responsibly.
[pullquote align=”center”]”If parents decide to [use parental controls], it is okay to discuss with the child why these steps are being taken. Kids need to know there are dangers online parents are responsible for preventing.”
—Támara Hill, licensed child and adolescent therapist[/pullquote]
Practically, that’s something many parents have trouble with; children can become remarkably tech-savvy, as any mom who’s ever given her 4-year-old an iPad has quickly learned. Still, creating limits is absolutely crucial to ensuring your child’s developmental health.

HealthyWay
iStock.com/DragonImages

“Children having unlimited access to the World Wide Web is like having your front door open to your home, and YouTube can be a highway to the danger zone,” says Gretchen Campbell, a licensed professional counselor specializing in parent-child relationships (and, apparently, metaphors).
Campbell recommends restricting access to YouTube on any computers, tablets, smartphones, and other devices preteen children use.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/supersizer

“YouTube offers an option to apply a ‘restricted mode’ and lock its settings,” she notes. “This feature attempts to prohibit your child from viewing material that has been marked as inappropriate by the YouTube community. This, however, is not a guarantee that your child won’t be exposed to content that you don’t approve of, but it is an additional step that parents can take.”
YouTube also offers YouTube Kids, a mobile app designed to make browsing safer for children. It gives parents easier access to controls, but YouTube admits that it’s a work in progress.
“We use a mix of filters, user feedback and human reviewers to keep the videos in YouTube Kids family friendly,” the company says on its app’s website. “But no system is perfect and inappropriate videos can slip through, so we’re constantly working to improve our safeguards and offer more features to help parents create the right experience for their families.”

More importantly, parents should establish clear limits to electronic time for preteens.

“Set a time where [your child] can utilize their devices, preferably a time where the parent is available to check in on what they’re doing,” Campbell says. “Establish ground rules … Kids know when they’re viewing something that their parent wouldn’t approve of and will always test the limits when given the opportunity.”

HealthyWay
iStock.com/MachineHeadz

Campbell recommends establishing clear consequences for broken rules, noting those consequences should be directly related to screen time. That helps establish the connection between the bad habits and the consequence. For instance, if kids watch a video without telling the parent, the parent might take away screen time for a day or week.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/MarkPiovesan

To make sure younger kids don’t stray into dangerous parts of the web, parents should check browser histories and use mobile apps designed to limit access.
“Parents can monitor a child’s access to inappropriate material by downloading apps such as  Screen Time Parental Control,” says Támara Hill, a licensed child and adolescent therapist specializing in trauma. “These apps make it possible for parents to monitor and locate content on iPads and cellphones.”
Again, these apps aren’t completely foolproof, but they can serve as an additional deterrent.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/monkeybusinessimages

“If parents decide to do this, it is okay to discuss with the child why these steps are being taken,” Hill adds. “Kids need to know there are dangers online parents are responsible for preventing.”

Another crucial tip: Don’t wait to establish guidelines.

If kids are old enough to use a smartphone or tablet, they’re old enough to follow the rules.
[pullquote align=”center”]”If you don’t allow kids to educate you to their social media worlds, how can we prevent the dangers of it? We can’t.”
—Gretchen Campbell, licensed professional counselor[/pullquote]
“It’s important that parents practice setting parameters around all social media as soon as possible so that kids will understand the consequences of accessing inappropriate materials online,” Hill says.

HealthyWay
iStock.com/vadimguzhva

Finally, realize that your child can help you identify (and avoid) questionable material. Keep communicating, and ask what they enjoy watching. Watch the occasional video with your child, and, if necessary, guide them toward higher-quality content from established brands (for example, Disney operates several YouTube channels, which are carefully curated for audiences of all ages).
“When I meet with families struggling with managing their child’s social media access, especially YouTube access, I often encourage them to let their children educate them to the YouTube influencers they are following and the types of videos they find funny or interesting,” Campbell says.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/AntonioGuillem

“I have had many sessions with kids where the majority of our conversation is about YouTube influencers and why they are interesting. During these conversations, I have learned of inappropriate and disturbing content that needed to be discussed in the open. If you don’t allow kids to educate you to their social media worlds, how can we prevent the dangers of it? We can’t.”

Categories
Healthy Pregnancy Motherhood

The Realities Of Vanishing Twin Syndrome

You may have heard of vanishing twin syndrome—where one twin is absorbed by the other in the uterus during pregnancy—in the media over the past few years. One particularly stark example comes from the HuffPost story about a 2-year-old boy from China who “gave birth” through his abdominal cavity to his twin brother’s fetus.
What you probably didn’t know, however, is that the syndrome, while not as extreme as the story mentioned above, is more common than you might think.

HealthyWay
iStock.com/doble-d

According to Kimberly Martin, MD, senior global medical director of women’s health for Natera, an estimated one in three to one in five pregnancies that start as twins result in the birth of only one baby. One study even indicated that it occurs in up to 21 to 30 percent of multifetal gestations.
But despite the fact that this phenomenon is hardly new, many of us aren’t familiar with the signs, symptoms, and effects it can cause the mother and remaining twin. We spoke with experts and women who have gone through this experience: Here is what they had to say.

Once there were two.

“My mom is an OB-GYN labor and delivery nurse, so when she found out that she was pregnant with me, she had ultrasounds done fast and frequently—that’s how she saw there were two babies,” says Erin (whose name has been changed to protect her privacy), 35, of Oswego, Illinois. “Then suddenly, there was only me.”

HealthyWay
iStock.com/FatCamera

For as long as she can remember, Erin has known she was missing her other half. “It was kind of a running joke among my friends that I ‘ate my twin,’ since it was absorbed.”
While she’s never experienced any physical effects from being a solo twin, she often speculates about how things could have ended up differently: “What if I was the one who withered away instead of the other child? Would [they] have made my parents’ lives easier than I have? What if that baby was supposed to live and I was supposed to die?”
All of these what ifs, Erin admits, “kind of [mess] with your head from time to time.”

Where does the term “vanishing twin syndrome” come from?

The term was initially recognized by Walter Stoeckel in 1945, before the days of ultrasound, when women and their doctors never even knew something had happened. But the syndrome has since gained more traction, as the use of ultrasonography in [linkbuilder id=”6720″ text=”early pregnancy”] has led to more frequent diagnoses.

HealthyWay
iStock.com/PeopleImages

“The great technology we have that allows us to closely monitor our pregnancies is both a blessing and a curse because we are aware of so many more things,” says Erin O’Toole, a board-certified prenatal genetic counselor.
She explains that a vanishing twin is essentially a miscarriage of one baby in a twin pregnancy (spontaneous or IVF). “When these miscarriages happen early enough, the demised baby will ‘dissolve’ and be reabsorbed into the mother, making it look like the baby simply vanished.”
HealthyWay
iStock.com/Avril Morgan

The difference here, according to Martin, is that unlike most miscarriages, where the pregnancy is passed through the birth canal, in vanishing twin syndrome, it happens on the inside.

What are the causes of vanishing twin syndrome?

Approximately 15 percent of all clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage, says O’Toole. A vanishing twin is unique, however, because there is still another baby. “For most miscarriages, we never know the reason why, but over 50 percent of pregnancies that miscarry have a chromosomal abnormality,” she tells HealthyWay. Some studies also point to improper cord implantation as playing a role.

HealthyWay
iStock.com/Vasyl Dolmatov

Finding out the specific reasons for vanishing twin syndrome, however, isn’t so straightforward, as it’s difficult to test.
“Depending on how early the loss of the twin was, tissue from the demised twin is often not identifiable at delivery,” O’Toole explains.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/GeorgeRudy

However, she’s quick to point out that in these pregnancies, the DNA of the demised twin will still contribute to the DNA from the pregnancy in the mother’s blood. “One time, I had a patient with a vanished twin whose blood test identified Y chromosome. Her living baby was actually female, but the vanished twin must have been male.”

What are the signs to look for?

Bleeding can be a sign of a vanishing twin, says Martin, but because it’s common for 20 percent of women to experience light bleeding in the first trimester, the condition can be hard to detect from this sign alone.
Some women can experience classic miscarriage signs like cramping, bleeding, or pelvic pain—but these signs do not necessarily equate a miscarriage. Others may have no symptoms at all and will only learn of their condition by ultrasound.

HealthyWay
iStock.com/Mladen Zivkovic

For 50-year-old mother Jamie (whose name has been changed for her privacy) of New Jersey, bleeding at seven weeks was the first sign something wasn’t right. At the time, she had been receiving infertility treatment and recalls watching the ultrasound monitor with her fertility doctor—yet they couldn’t make out what they were seeing. While one twin was clearly visible, the other was murky, she recalls. Was it just a sac? A cyst?
HealthyWay
iStock.com/SerhiiBobyk

“We weren’t sure until we went to the OB-GYN for my 12-week appointment, and she clearly told me,” she says.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Getting pregnant can be difficult for some couples, and the let down of losing a child, even though you are still pregnant with one, is very real and doesn’t diminish the loss of that child.”
—Kristen N. Burris on vanishing twin syndrome[/pullquote]
Jamie’s experience is similar to other women who go through fertility treatment, says Martin, as they tend to have ultrasounds more frequently in the first few weeks of their pregnancy. However, she points out that this isn’t the case for women who aren’t going in for fertility treatment, as most won’t have an ultrasound until later in the first trimester.
“So it could happen, and no one would ever know,” she says.

How is it treated?

Finding out about the syndrome often leads to the next question—what treatments are available? According to O’Toole, since the discovery is incidental, most of the time there is no treatment for a vanishing twin, and the mother will continue to carry both babies.
Denise (who asked to remain anonymous), a 34-year-old mom from Chicago, can still recall the panic she experienced eight weeks into her first pregnancy. “I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I thought I was miscarrying,” she remembers, “I thought it was done.”
“We’d had no trouble getting pregnant, and so maybe this was our heartbreak,” she adds.

HealthyWay
iStock.com/EmiliaU

When Denise later met with her doctor, she was surprised to discover that the ultrasound had revealed the presence of not one, but two amniotic sacs. The doctor explained that while one held a heartbeat, the other did not. “They suspected the bleeding was from the one who wasn’t going to make it.”
According to Medscape, uncomplicated vanishing twin syndrome requires no special medical care, but the pregnancy should continue to be closely monitored.
Studies have shown that the timing of this loss can significantly alter the outcome for both the mother and viable twin. If it occurs in the first trimester, for example, neither mother nor remaining fetus will typically show any signs or symptoms.
Should the loss happen during the second or third trimester, however, the fetus could be at greater risk of developing cerebral palsy or aplasia cutis. It can also pose complications for the mother in the way of potential infection or preterm labor.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/Pixelistanbul

O’Toole says that many women who have experienced a miscarriage of a singleton or had a vanishing twin pregnancy are often concerned about their risk of experiencing another in the future. However, she urges women to keep in mind that miscarriages are common, and having one or two losses is no reason to worry.
[pullquote align=”center”]I would want other mamas to know that I had, and you can have, a perfectly healthy pregnancy after [losing one twin in the womb].[/pullquote]
“Most healthcare providers define recurrent pregnancy loss as experiencing three or more miscarriages,” she says, as that is typically when a medical investigation occurs to explain why the miscarriages are happening. Research by Holly Ford, MD, and Danny Schust, MD, estimated that the rate of women who do experience recurrent miscarriages is one to two percent.

How is the mother affected?

Even though there is little cause for concern for a recurrence of a vanishing twin, the grief response of losing one can be quite deep.
“It’s still a miscarriage, just not in the way we think of miscarriage,” explains Kristen N. Burris, a licensed acupuncturist who treats women for ailments during pregnancy. She says it often happens quickly, from the joy of finding out you’re expecting twins to the devastation of finding out one of the twins has not made it.

HealthyWay
iStock.com/luchschen

These highs and lows are hard to take, Burris says. The accompanied terror that ensues about something bad happening to the other child is hard to shake.
“Getting pregnant can be difficult for some couples,” she observes, “and the let down of losing a child, even though you are still pregnant with one, is very real and doesn’t diminish the loss of that child.”
And the further along in a pregnancy, the more attached a couple can become—causing the loss to be that much more difficult.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/Wavebreakmedia

Martin, who has given this diagnosis to patients many times over the course of 20 years, is adamant that healthcare providers become more aware of these conflicting emotions and offer greater understanding and support.
“This situation can be particularly challenging because there is joy related to the anticipated birth of one child, but a sense of loss about the other,” she says.
But just as each pregnancy varies from patient to patient, the same can be said of each reaction.
“Certainly for some women, it is a very sad moment,” says Robert O. Atlas, MD, chair of the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Mercy Medical Center in Baltimore. “For others, it’s a big relief due to the stress which a mother may feel. It really depends on the individual—how they will respond to this finding.”
In many cases, the amount of trauma relates to how soon in the pregnancy a mother receives her diagnosis. For Denise, receiving hers early helped her cope with the news.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/HRAUN

“I was just so happy I wasn’t losing the pregnancy that it really wasn’t emotionally that hard on me,” she recalls. “I remember thinking ‘I thought there was one baby, and you’re telling me there’s one baby? I’m good.’”
While Denise was grateful she wasn’t losing the pregnancy, she notes the following visit was somewhat tougher to process.
Yet, despite her initial experience, she doesn’t feel that her diagnosis has produced any long-term emotional consequences. She has since gone on to carry two full-term pregnancies with no related complications. “I would want other mamas to know that I had, and you can have, a perfectly healthy pregnancy after.”

What about the remaining twin?

In vanishing twin syndrome, many questions arise: Does a surviving twin have a prenatal memory of death? Do they experience any symptoms afterward or feel an inexplicable connection to their sibling?
Psychologists have long theorized about the lasting effects of sole surviving twins, yet the intricacy and nature of these bonds are still a gray area within science. Martin says the possible mental effects of the surviving twin remain unknown.

HealthyWay
iStock.com/pixelfit

“We are not sure if this has ever been studied,” she says. But, as David Cohen of The Independent put it, this “certainly does not mean that such a bond doesn’t exist.”
While more research is needed to measure these effects, one thing remains clear: The absence of one twin can fill the other with a persistent feeling that something is missing.

And then there was one.

“Would we be best friends? Mortal enemies? Would my sibling look like me?” Erin asks. She says the news of her twin didn’t necessarily affect her when she found out, but she adds, “It just made me kind of wish for someone and something that will never be.”
“I recently had a miscarriage of my own at 12 weeks and got to bond with my mother over the fact that she lost a baby, too—no matter how small that child was when it passed.”

HealthyWay
iStock.com/kanzefar

Despite many years of longing for answers, Erin has made peace with the fact that some things can’t be neatly explained, nor should they be. She wants other women to know that.
“Some babies are healthy, and some babies are not,” she says. “Sometimes, things just aren’t meant to be, and we have to deal with the consequences of that.”

Categories
More Than Mom Motherhood

How To Find A Babysitter Your Kids Will Love (And You Will Too)

If there’s one thing just about every parent on the playground will agree on, it’s this: If you can find a babysitter who you trust and your kids love, you hold on to that sitter’s number harder than your kid holds on to his favorite stuffie when you say it’s time for the toy to take bath.
No matter how easygoing you are, it can be tough to find a good babysitter who makes you feel like you can actually relax when you’re out of the house. And you’re not alone in this struggle: A recent American Red Cross survey determined at least 55 percent of parents have had to stay home from an event because they couldn’t find a sitter when they needed one, and 30 percent said they’ve rejected a potential babysitter because of safety concerns.
But you don’t have to give up on chasing down that rare unicorn non-parents call “date night” or ever holding down a job just because you can’t find someone you can trust to spend time with your kids. The right sitter is out there! Here’s how to find one.

How to Find a Babysitter: Where to Start

Before you can start scheduling sitter interviews (yup, they’re a thing), you need to figure out what you’re looking for!
Some questions to ask yourself:

How often will I need a babysitter?

A neighborhood teen may be able to pop over one night a month so you can sneak out for dinner with your partner. But if you need someone who can pick your kids up from school, help them with their homework, and get dinner started before you get home from work, you may want to look for a college student or someone who is retired and looking for something to do in the afternoons.

What do my kids need?

If you’ve got a small infant, you’ll likely want to steer clear of young teens and find a babysitter with experience caring for small children, such as a childhood development student at the local college or another parent who happens to stay at home. If your child is in elementary school and already able to make a PB&J sandwich and wipe their own heinie, a local teen may be the perfect person to hang out with them for a few hours on a Saturday afternoon.

What will I need a babysitter to do?

If you’ll need a sitter who can drive your kids home from school, you can automatically cross that 14-year-old across the street off your list!
[pullquote align=”center”]Figuring out the what is a big first step in helping you find the who in your babysitting search.[/pullquote] 
If you’re hoping that your sitter will be up for teaching your child a skill such as swimming, you might decide to hit the local pool to see if the lifeguards are looking for extra work.
Figuring out the what is a big first step in helping you find the who in your babysitting search.

Where to Find a Babysitter

The Banks family had it made when Mary Poppins flew into town just when they needed a nanny. Unfortunately babysitters with magical umbrellas are in short supply these days, so you’ll have to stick to these tricks to find a babysitter.

Use a babysitting agency.

Whether it’s an online service such as SitterCity or Care.com or a more traditional agency that exists in a brick-and-mortar location, babysitter agencies are like matchmakers for parents. They recruit qualified babysitters and match them with parents who need their services.
They can be a quick way to find someone you love, but you should still do your own due diligence, says Florence Ann Romano, a former nanny and founder of The Windy City Nanny.
“Make sure you are doing your own research on whomever they are matching you with; in other words, stalk them on social media!” Romano says. “See what they have on their Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc.”
You can also have a professional background check run on your potential sitter or ask the agency to provide details of how deep their checks went.
“Don’t rely just on the agency to do a background check that is surface level,” Romano advises. “Some of these agencies don’t dive deep enough, and I have seen it happen before that they won’t catch, for instance, a DUI on someone’s record but will clear them for service!”

Ask your friends about their babysitters.

They may be willing to share the numbers of trusted sitters who they’ve already vetted, or they may offer up names of their own kids (who you like and trust) who’ve taken babysitter certification courses.
If none of your friends have sitter names to offer up, they may be willing to do the job themselves. A local parent in your area might be able to use a little extra cash, making her the perfect choice. Or you could offer to set up a sitter swap situation: One parent or set of parents watches all the kids one night, and you return the favor a few days later so they can get their own night out. The kids get playdates and the parents get real dates—everyone wins!

Try a babysitting app.

Sites like Care.com and SitterCity have apps, and they’ve got the more traditional agency model behind them, but they’re not the only game in town these days.
Sitting Around, for example, can hook you up with other parents in your community who are interested in creating a babysitting co-op. Although there’s a fee for membership, the babysitting itself is free.
Sitter and Bubble let you view the sitters of other friends (so long as they also use the app), so you can find sitters that your friends like without having to actually…well…talk to your friends.
TaskRabbit, on the other hand, was designed as an app to connect folks with people who need help on a variety of errands, not just babysitting. That said, babysitting makes the list, and you may find your perfect sitter with a few swipes.  
Kango, meanwhile, offers not just babysitting but ridesharing too, so you can find someone who will do that daycare or preschool drop-off.

Hit your local college campus.

Whether you go the old-fashioned flier route or call the childhood development department to see if they can suggest any students looking for jobs, a college in your area may be prime pickings for babysitters.

Ask coaches and teachers.

Your daughter’s karate sensei, your son’s hip hop teacher, their soccer coach—they all work with kids, and they’ve likely got a few good names up their sleeves. Whether it’s current or former students or maybe even someone on their staff, you get the added bonus of knowing that someone you already trust with your child has vouched for your potential babysitter.

What to Look for in a Babysitter

Once you’ve gotten a few names, it’s time for a job interview. Hey, you’re going to pay this person to babysit your kids, so why shouldn’t they have to undergo an interview process?
Romano suggests at least two in-person meetings, one that involves just you and the babysitter, then (if they pass muster) another with your kids involved.
“The first time, meet them for coffee outside your home and get to know them,” Romano suggests. “Then, if you like them, bring them into the home to meet your kids; do a trial morning/afternoon. Observe him or her with your kids.”
Sara Schaer, co-founder and CEO of Kango, suggests asking your potential sitter a round of questions, including:

  • Do they have experience and affinity for a particular age group? If you have an infant or a toddler, make sure you specifically ask if they have experience with that age group, Schaer advises.  
  • What is their motivation for babysitting? Some babysitters are just in it for the cash, but you’ll want to find someone who genuinely likes spending time with kids.
  • What is their safety training? Ask if your sitter is CPR certified and if they’ve taken any other babysitting courses, such as those offered by the American Red Cross.
  • How would they handle an emergency? Schaer recommends that you provide an example of an emergency that might crop up and ask them to provide a solution on the fly.
  • Do they have a clean criminal record, and are they willing to be background checked (including fingerprinting)? “Candidates who have an issue on their record will often remove themselves from consideration if they know this is a potential requirement,” Schaer says.
  • Do they drive, and if so do they have a clean driving record? This may not apply to all sitters, such as a young teen, but it’s a must if you’re hoping to find a babysitter who will drive your kids around town.
  • Do you have any references? It’s not enough to just ask for references; you need to follow up! Checking references is a must, Schaer says.

What to Pay a Babysitter

Once you’ve lined up the perfect sitter, let’s face it, you’re going to have to figure out how much to pay the babysitter who’s spending time with your kids.
You certainly want to pay them enough to make the job worthwhile (and keep them coming back), but how do you know if you’re underpaying or overpaying?
According to the American Red Cross survey, about half (51 percent) of Americans rely on unpaid babysitters, and nearly a quarter (24 percent) pay between $6 and $10 an hour for someone to watch their children. Ten percent pay between $11 and $15 an hour, while 4 percent pay between $16 and $20 an hour.

Babysitting Pay Rates Around the Country

When HealthyWay asked parents across the country to share just how much they’re laying out every time a babysitter shows up on their doorstep, the numbers were just as varied…but so were family situations. Some folks pay teenagers significantly less than they do adults, while others paid teens more than they would the grandmotherly lady down the street.
Stamford, Connecticut: $20 per hour to watch a 3½-year-old, including school pickups.
Atlanta, Georgia: $12 to $14 per hour to watch four kids ages 3 to 7.
Cleveland, Ohio: $10 an hour to watch a 9-year-old.
Chicago, Illinois: $15 an hour for an older lady to watch two kids, ages 2½ and 6 months. $12 an hour for a teenager to watch the same kids.
North Charleston, South Carolina: $10 per hour to watch one 4-year-old.
Western Washington State: $10 to $15 an hour for a preschool teacher who babysits on the side.
Los Angeles, California: $22 an hour for an experienced nanny to watch one kid regardless of age.
Still struggling to come up with a good rate? Care.com offers a babysitting rate guide based on zip code and experience of the sitter.

How to Help Your Babysitter

Of course, you want to find a babysitter who can help you with your kids, but if you want to really make sure your kids have a good experience, it’s on you to help your sitter.
Part of that is how you greet your sitter when they walk in the door, says Rachel Charlupski, founder of The Babysitting Company.
“Parents should also not expect their children to warm up to the sitter if the parent is cold and not friendly with the sitter,” she says. “We always recommend parents being very animated and welcoming to the sitter.”
Sitters also need to be prepped, Charlupski says. You can’t expect them to come into your house and know the rules of your home or read your mind about your expectations.
Schaer suggests being up front with your babysitter about what you expect out of them, and be aware of what’s not considered “normal” duties for a sitter.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Predictability and familiarity are reassuring to kids … so parents should make every effort to ensure that.”
—Sara Schaer[/pullquote]
“Quality, engaging, and age-appropriate childcare; safety; courtesy; compliance with parent instructions and household rules; good judgment; and honest, proactive, and professional communication with parents can all be expected,” Schaer says.
But any of the following are not considered typical “job expectations” of a babysitter, and you’ll need to make a deal with your sitter if you want them done as well:

  • Stand-alone extensive housecleaning beyond tidying up and cleaning any areas used during the sitter job
  • Caring for a different number of children than originally stated or an unreasonably large group of unattended kids
  • Babysitting for a completely different duration than requested (e.g., several hours past the initially stated end time)
  • Excessive medical responsibility (parents/guardians need to authorize medical treatment)
  • Tutoring or academic work if not explicitly included and agreed on first
  • Pet care if not explicitly mentioned and agreed on in advance

Before leaving your children alone with a sitter, you’ll also need to write out a complete list of information that they might need during their time with your kids, including:

  • Guidelines and limits for outings, screen time, and homework
  • Meal information
  • Bedtime rules
  • Allergy information and/or other medical conditions
  • Behavioral triggers or routines
  • Likes and dislikes
  • Contact numbers for parents, as well as pediatrician and other emergency numbers

“Predictability and familiarity are reassuring to kids (in addition to quality care and safety), so parents should make every effort to ensure that,” Schaer notes.
Romano offers up this final piece of advice: “Don’t compete with the sitter. Remember that they are another person to love and guide your child. It’s another person to shape them and inspire them. Choose wisely! If you do, it will be a beautiful thing.”

Categories
Motherhood

The Origin Of The Apgar Test And Newborn Health

As an expecting mother, there is nothing you want more than a healthy baby. When the time finally comes for you to greet your baby for the first time, there is nothing you hope for more than hearing those first few cries and then hearing the doctor confirm that all is well. And when the time comes to take your child home from the hospital, you want to leave with the confidence that your baby will thrive.
That’s where the Apgar test comes in. Using a one to 10 scale, the standardized test is meant to measure how well the baby is doing after birth.

HealthyWay
iStock.com/tatyana_tomsickova

Most moms who have given birth in a modern hospital are familiar with Apgar scores. Some mothers have smiled in joy hearing that their newborn was scored at an eight or a nine, while other mothers have furrowed their brows in concern when the doctor says the baby has scored a lower number.
Here’s what you need to know about the test, its origins, and what your baby’s score means for their health.

What are the origins of the Apgar test?

The Apgar test was named after its creator, Virginia Apgar, MD. After spending many years working as a surgeon, Apgar experienced a career shift. In 1949, she was named a professor of anesthesiology at Columbia University’s College of Physicians and Surgeons, according to Profiles in Science published by the U.S. National Library of Medicine.

HealthyWay
iStock.com/PeopleImages

Her new work provided the opportunity for research, and it piqued her interest in maternal anesthesiology. More specifically, she was interested in spending more time researching mortality rates in newborn babies.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/mmpile

By 1952, she had developed a scoring system used on newborn babies during the first minute after their birth. The main goal of her system was to see what effects labor, delivery, and maternal anesthesia had on the well-being of brand new babies. Her attendance of over 17,000 births informed her development of the test.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/FatCamera

Today, the Apgar test is standard in modern hospitals. Apgar’s system for scoring newborn health within the first five minutes of life is used all over the world.

What does the Apgar test measure?

Although the test was originally named after its creator, it was later developed into an acronym describing what it specifically measures. Each letter of the test’s name indicates one aspect of newborn health that is given a score between zero and two: appearance, pulse, grimace response, activity, and respiration.

HealthyWay
iStock.com/NataliaDeriabina

During the first minute after birth, the evaluating nurse, doctor, or midwife scores the baby’s appearance first by looking at their skin tone. The baby will receive a score of zero, one, or two. A score of zero indicates a blueish pale color, while a score of two indicates pink skin all the way to fingers and toes, according to the U.S. National Library of Medicine.
Next, the medical professional checks the newborn’s pulse. Babies with a heart rate over 100 beats per minute, a healthy heart rate for a newborn, receive a score of two, and babies born with no pulse receive a zero.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/Zukovic

The grimace response measures the baby’s reflexes, or how they respond to stimulation like a mild pinch, according to the U.S. National Library of Medicine. Babies who pull away have strong reflexes and are scored with a two, while a one is given to babies who simply grimace, and a zero is given to babies who don’t respond at all.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/narvikk

Activity refers to a baby’s muscle tone. Babies who appear floppy or aren’t moving are scored a zero, while babies who are moving often are scored a two.
Lastly, respiration is measured based on the baby’s breathing rate and the strength of their cry. A strong cry earns a score of two, while a baby who doesn’t cry at all will be scored at zero. An audible but weak cry is given a score of one.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/Sweetlemontea

These individual scores are added up to create one score given to the baby. Babies who score seven or higher on the Apgar test are considered healthy, while a lower score may indicate a problem or the need for immediate medical care.

What are the limitations of the Apgar test?

“The Apgar test helps determine how well a baby is immediately after birth and if a baby requires resuscitation or support breathing,” Yvonne Bohn, MD, OB-GYN at Providence Saint John’s Health Center in Santa Monica, California, says.
However, babies do undergo additional testing and monitoring before they leave the hospital with their parents, usually within the first day or two of life. Healthy babies without exceptional medical needs will all undergo the same three tests at some point during their hospital stay, according to Baby’s First Test—a blood test, a hearing test, and a pulse-oximetry test. Additional testing is only performed if the parents request it or the doctors have concerns about the baby’s health.

HealthyWay
iStock.com/alice-photo

The standard newborn hearing test is actually two different screenings that take between five and ten minutes to complete. One tests the hearing nerves and how they respond to sound. The other actually uses a probe placed in the baby’s inner ear to measure sound waves.
The blood test, also known as the heel prick test, is meant to monitor for genetic conditions long before symptoms might be noticed, according to Erin O’Toole, a certified genetic counselor who works with expecting parents and parents of newborns.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/PeopleImages

“Conditions on the newborn screen all have a much better prognosis if treatment is started before symptoms are present,” she says. “Each state runs their own newborn screen, so depending on where you live, the baby is tested for different conditions.”
The pulse oximetry test is completely non-invasive. A nurse will place a monitor on the baby’s foot or hand that measures both their heart rate and the oxygen in their blood. This test is used to catch early symptoms of congenital heart defects.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/praisaeng

The Apgar test is generally seen as a reliable first look at the baby’s health. Labor and delivery can be a stressful experience for babies, especially in high-risk pregnancies, difficult labors, and cesarean sections. A lower Apgar score is more common in these cases.  Babies born prematurely are also more likely to have a lower Apgar score.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/Ondrooo

Even though it has become the standard, it is not a perfect test. One of the major limitations is that not all measurements are exact. Sure, the respiration rate is a hard number, along with the pulse, but the rest of the factors measured are fairly subjective.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/NataliaDeriabina

“These measurements are subjective and the score may be different based on the observer,” says Bohn. So, one doctor may see a great reflex response while another sees a response they believe is not as strong.
At this time, Bohn says there are no new newborn tests being developed, but O’Toole does say that the newborn blood tests are becoming less expensive and more accessible. She hopes this will result in better outcomes for children with genetic disorders over time.

What do I need to know about my baby’s Apgar score?

Regardless of your baby’s score, they will be tested again at five minutes.
“The hope is that the score will be at least seven at the five-minute mark to help the medical team determine how the baby is transitioning to breathing outside the womb and decide when to intervene,” explains O’Toole.

HealthyWay
iStock.com/Pekic

After the test at five minutes, babies with a score of seven or less will continue being tested.
During this time, some babies might require additional support to aid breathing. A member of your baby’s care team may also take a gas sample from the umbilical cord, according to O’Toole. From this point, medical treatment will continue if the baby’s score doesn’t climb to seven or higher.
For parents, it is important to remember that even a low Apgar score isn’t the final word on a baby’s health. Some babies score low immediately after birth because they are having a more difficult time transitioning into the world, according to O’Toole. It’s helpful to think of this test as an answer to the question, “What does this baby need right now?”
HealthyWay
iStock.com/NataliaDeriabina

Remember, those first few minutes are important, but they’re not always an indication of what a baby’s next day, year, or entire life will be like. If you have questions or concerns about your baby’s Apgar score, either while you are in the hospital or after you have been sent home, express your concerns to your care provider, who can offer further recommendations and information to ease your worries.

Categories
Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Yes, The Fourth Trimester Is Real—And It's Not Easy

There were plenty of sweet newborn snuggles when we brought our son home from the hospital, but there were also so many moments when my husband and I, baby books in hand, stared down at our crying newborn wondering, WTF do we do now?!
Contrary to what we started to think, we weren’t the world’s worst first-time parents. It turns out there’s a reason our baby—and most newborns!—are so fussy. It’s called the fourth trimester, it affects both mom and newborn baby, and no one really tells you about it.
swaddled baby making fussy face
But understanding the fourth trimester—a phrase that pediatrician and baby whisperer Harvey Karp, MD, coined to describe the first three months of a baby’s life—is crucial to getting through those tough first weeks at home with baby.
We spoke to Karp, along with OB-GYN Heather Bartos, MD, to learn exactly what the fourth trimester is, how it affects newborns, and tips for surviving this tricky time at home with a new baby.

My OB-GYN didn’t tell me there was a fourth trimester! What is it?

If you are pregnant or have been pregnant, you know that pregnancy is broken into three trimesters, with the third one lasting twice as long as the first two (okay, so that’s not true, but it sure feels like it does). So why did your OB-GYN not mention this mysterious fourth trimester?
Karp, who is the author of the Happiest Baby on the Block, uses this phrase to describe the first three months outside the womb, during which a baby goes through an intense period of change and development.
newborn feet with hospital band
According to the baby geniuses who developed the Wonder Weeks theory, in the first three months outside the womb, your baby will experience several mental leaps, and their little bodies rapidly mature, which is why your baby is extremely cranky during the fourth trimester. It’s hard work doing all that growing!
[pullquote align=”center”]“Babies have an innate neurological response called the calming reflex … that gets triggered by rocking, shushing, etc.
—Harvey Karp, MD[/pullquote]
Because of this rapid mental and physical development, Karp believes that babies are born too soon, even if they make it right up to their due date. Babies have to be born at 9 months because otherwise they’d be too big to pass through the birth canal. But if it were up to them, says Karp, they’d prefer a few more weeks inside the womb.
“The fourth trimester is a metaphorical term, but it is absolutely a real thing!” Karp tells HealthyWay. “It is the few-month window following birth when babies are almost magically calmed and soothed by rhythmic sensations that remind them of being in the womb. It’s not just a theory, it’s biology. Babies have an innate neurological response called the calming reflex—a virtual off-switch for crying an on-switch for sleep—that gets triggered by rocking, shushing, etc.”

baby in their fourth trimester being rocked by mom and dad
iStock.com/AleksandarNakic

Typically, babies who are having a tough time adjusting to life outside the womb constantly cry, especially toward the end of the day. They’re not trying to torture you, I promise. They’re simply trying to communicate their desire to be back in the cozy confines of the womb.
Since that’s obviously not an option, Karp suggests the next best thing: Recreate the womb experience for your baby using certain soothing techniques.

How to Handle the Fourth Trimester: The 5 S’s will save your sanity.

Is the fourth trimester preventing you from bonding with your new baby as much as you’d like? Are you frantically googling phrases like “how to stop baby crying in the middle of the night” or “how to make it look like you got a full eight hours when you really only got two”? If that sounds like your situation, stop what you’re doing right now and memorize what I’m about to share with you. (You can thank me later, when your baby is sleeping peacefully in his crib.)

happy baby with white blanket is smiling
iStock.com/NataliaDeriabina

Actually, you can thank Karp, who swears that his techniques for soothing baby are the next best thing to coming up with a highly realistic uterus impersonation.
Says Karp, “In my work researching colicky babies, I’ve observed five womb-mimicking techniques—used throughout time and across cultures—that effectively calm babies. To make it simple for parents, I called them the 5 S’s: swaddling, side/stomach position, shushing, swinging, and sucking. Each one of these steps triggers the calming reflex and sends babies into a peaceful bliss.”

The First S: Learn to make a baby burrito.

Karp’s first S stands for swaddle. By the third trimester, baby was tucked tightly in the womb with little room to wiggle about. Outside the womb, they’re still not in control of their movements, so when they accidentally move their arm or kick a leg, it can be startling and scary.
feet of baby lying down
That’s where swaddling comes in. Swaddling your baby tightly recreates that snug, womb-like feeling and usually has an immediate calming effect on newborns.

The Second S: Sometimes side or tummy is okay.

But never to sleep! The only safe sleeping position for a baby is flat on their back, with no loose blankets or toys in the crib. If you’re holding a fussy baby, though, try holding her on her side or even her tummy. It should have a calming effect, especially if you’re swinging at the same time. When baby is calm or has drifted to sleep, then lay her flat on her back.

The Third S: Shhhhh!

Placing a baby in a totally silent room for sleep is kind of the worst idea ever. The womb was a pretty loud place, and babies calm more quickly when there’s some ambient noise in the background. You can either learn to shush like a pro (tip: way louder than you think you need to) or pick up a white noise machine to mimic those womb-like sounds.

The Fourth S: Swing, swang, swung?

According to Karp, babies bounce around in the womb a lot, which makes sense. Every time mom moved, baby moved too. Instead of rocking slowly in a chair to calm a crying baby, use a shorter, faster, swinging motion.

mom is rocking and swaying baby to sleep
iStock.com/Halfpoint

Note that this is in no way the same as shaking your baby. It’s easy to get frustrated with a constantly crying baby. If you get angry or frustrated, hand the baby to your partner or another caregiver and take a break to calm down before returning to baby.

The Fifth S: Suck it, mom.

A lot of parents don’t want to give baby a pacifier because they’re afraid of nipple confusion early on. But if you have a crying baby, a pacifier might be just the trick to calming them down. That’s because babies are born with the urge to suck, even if they aren’t hungry.

I need more! What are some other calming techniques I can use in the fourth trimester?

“Things like babywearing and white noise machines are in fact 5 S’s techniques,” says Karp. “When you wear your baby, to her, it’s hardly different than being in your belly—she’s warm, snug, and constantly in motion. Swaddling works so well for sleep because, like babywearing, it reminds your baby of the womb’s embrace.”
Looking for a good swaddle? I recommend the Karp’s Happiest Baby Sleepea Swaddle (hey, he is the expert!) or an Ergo Swaddler for easy wrapping. Both are moderately priced at around $25 and are waaaaaay easier than trying to snugly wrap your baby in a regular blanket.
As for carriers, there are so many babywearing options, it’s kind of mind boggling. I loved my Sakura Bloom Sling when my son was a newborn, but he quickly outgrew it for daily use. To find a baby carrier that’s right for you, I suggest speaking to a certified babywearing expert (yes, they exist), who you can find through Babywearing International.

mom holding baby in sling
iStock.com/Halfpoint

“Whether you shush or use white noise, a hair dryer, or a vacuum cleaner, these are all loud, continuous womb-like sounds. As I’m sure you know, the rhythmic motion of car rides (and stroller rides) make babies deliciously drowsy,” says Karp. One mom I know absolutely swears by the Shusher, while another has a taped recording of the hair dryer that she can’t leave home without.
And a word of advice from a mom who’s been there: Make sure you’re sufficiently alert when going for a car ride or using a device like the hair dryer to soothe your baby to sleep. Falling asleep at the wheel (or with a running hair dryer in your hand) is obviously dangerous. Once little one falls asleep, take a nap too if you need one.

The fourth trimester affects mom too.

I, like everyone else in the world, saw the photos of Kate Middleton looking oh-so-glam mere hours after giving birth to her third child. But I’d be willing to bet my whole stash of frozen breastmilk that the minute Kate and Will arrived home at Kensington Palace, Kate ran straight to the freezer, grabbed a bag of frozen peas, and placed them right on her ah, royal assets.
How do I know this?
[pullquote align=”center”]“The biggest thing no one tells you about the fourth trimester is how hard it is trying to take care of yourself … when you are up all night and constantly caring for a helpless baby.” 
—Heather Bartos, MD[/pullquote]
Because the fourth trimester doesn’t just affect babies. All moms, even duchesses, experience the fourth trimester, though in a different way from baby. After I gave birth, I didn’t even recognize myself. I felt like I had lost control of my own body. I sat on an ice pack for days and then cried when I needed that ice pack for my engorged breasts as my milk came in.

mom holding her baby looking out window
iStock.com/ljubaphoto

“The biggest thing no one tells you about the fourth trimester is how hard it is trying to take care of yourself (showering, sleeping, quiet time) when you are up all night and constantly caring for a helpless baby,” says OB-GYN Heather Bartos.
Bartos says that things like stretch marks and linea nigra don’t just magically disappear after giving birth. It’s hard to embrace these changes, so Bartos shared her favorite self-care tips for dealing with a postpartum body during the fourth trimester.

Stretch Marks

Even if you didn’t get stretch marks during pregnancy, you may get them postpartum.
[Postpartum stretch marks] happen when skin rapidly changes (like shrinking after that 9-pound kid!)—so keep moisturizing after bathing, and also using something like a belly band can help,” says Bartos.

Linea Nigra

Linea nigra is the name for that dark vertical line some women get on their belly during pregnancy. Bartos says that the melanin changes in your skin do take a while to fade, but eventually the linea nigra will go away. In the meantime, try to keep your tummy out of the sun.

Engorged Breasts

Engorged breasts are the worst. Typically, you’ll experience engorgement three to five days after baby is born as your milk comes in or sometimes if it’s been a while since a nursing session. To reduce the likelihood of engorgement, Bartos says, “pump or feed as soon as possible. If you’re in a pinch, try hand expressing milk to ‘get the edge off.’”

baby being fed by bottle
iStock.com/stock_colors

If you don’t have a breast pump yet, get one! They’re usually free or fairly inexpensive through your insurance. I’ll be honest though, my insurance-supplied breast pump did not work for me. Instead, I purchased a cheapie battery-operated travel pump, and it worked like a charm. All this is to say that if pumping isn’t working out, it may be the pump, so don’t be afraid to try a different kind.

Self-Care During the Fourth Trimester

While it can be hard for mom to find a free moment to relax, Bartos recommends taking time to complete daily meditation and low-impact exercises that can really help reduce stress. Here are her favorite practices (and you only need about 15 minutes to complete them!):

  • Alternate nostril breathing (1 minute): This premise is simple. Sit somewhere. You can sit up straight and cross your legs to look cooler. Take your index finger and put it to the side of your nose. Plug one nostril and take a deep breath in through the one that’s not plugged. Exhale through the same nostril. Repeat using the other finger and other nostril. The benefits of this exercise? Scientifically, it can reduce blood pressure but it also balances out your energy and does relax you.
  • Legs up the wall (5 minutes). Also known as Inverted Lake, this mild inverted yoga pose is known for a wide range of health benefits—improved digestion, brain function, relaxation, and sleep—and for its anti-aging effects. Ancient Hindu scriptures claim that this pose hides wrinkles in addition to banishing old age and death. While true yogis can do this pose from 30 minutes to several hours, we everyday gals can benefit from just 5 minutes of this a day.
  • Meditation (10 minutes) When I think of meditation, I think of a long, dreamy process, but in truth, you can do a beneficial mindful meditation in less than 10 minutes. (Heck, you can do it in just one!) If you’re new to the practice, there are guided meditations to take you through the steps. Try this 7-minute loving kindness meditation by meditation mama Megan Winkler. Apps like Calm (iOS and Android) and Headspace (iOS and Android) and hypnotherapy apps by Andrew Johnson are other options that provide a short respite from everyday stresses.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help during the fourth trimester.

“I think you should seek help any time you’re worried about your baby,” emphasizes Karp. “The 5 S’s soothe most colicky babies, so it’s really the first thing to try. There could be a medical concern if you’re confident you’ve mastered the precise techniques and your baby is still fussing a lot. …It’s always smart to get your pediatrician’s opinion.”

HealthyWay
iStock.com/GeorgeRudy

That goes for mamas too. If you feel that something isn’t right with your body, don’t be afraid to reach out to your OB-GYN for postpartum care—postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety are more common than you’d think.
If you just need a little TLC, you know what I’ve found? Sometimes the 5 S’s work on adults too. So if you’re feeling tired or down, grab that ratty blanket, swaddle yourself on the couch with a white noise machine, and take a nap to recharge.
[related article_ids=1001371]

Categories
Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Temper Tantrums Are (Unfortunately) Normal; Here's How To Deal

Imagine this: There’s something on a high shelf that you really, really want. Like, desperately. Chocolate. Or wine. Or a book you’ve been dying to read. Or the remote after a long, long day. But you can’t reach it, and you can’t really communicate to anyone that you want it or how to get it. People around you are trying to help (or maybe they’re not trying to help at all). Whether they are or not, they have no idea what you’re saying, and eventually it becomes so frustrating that you just give up and collapse into a fit of tears. Why doesn’t anyone get me???
This, my friends, is how a toddler throwing a temper tantrum feels so much of the time.
While temper tantrums can be a huge pain in the you-know-what, they are a totally natural part of childhood (and parenting), so the best thing you can do is get on board with how to deal.

5 Guiding Principles for Addressing Temper Tantrums

1. Temper tantrums are not a bad thing. In fact, they are a necessary part of growing up. (Sorry.)

“If a child is always compliant and never asserts herself, I worry about that kid more than the kid who won’t eat her broccoli,” explains Barbara Kaiser, early childhood consultant, trainer, and co-author of Challenging Behavior in Young Children: Understanding, Preventing and Responding Effectively.  “Learning what you like and don’t like, what you want and don’t want, is an important part of growing up.”

2. Parents play a huge role in how a tantrum plays out.

We look at temper tantrums as negative because they are—you guessed it—embarrassing, especially in when you’re in the grocery store. But Kaiser explains that it’s very important to not let the embarrassment override the fact that you really love your child (even as she kicks and screams!). As a parent, you need to try to figure out what the child is telling you and work with her so the tantrum doesn’t escalate even further. Desperate to make it end? “Us wanting it to stop so desperately plays a role,” Kaiser says.

3. Grown-ups have to…grow up.

“We tend to take everything seriously and turn it into a power struggle,” Kaiser says. We always blame the child, but often the situation escalates because we didn’t respond to our child’s needs (I’m hungry, I’m tired, I don’t want to do this now, etc.) early enough. Parenting in a proactive, preemptive way can stall out much of this behavior.  

4. Sometimes there is no reason for a temper tantrum.

Sometimes the kid is just over it (just like we often are!). Something that didn’t set him off yesterday could be a huge deal today. “Trying to find a specific reason can be hard,” explains Jane Rosen, PsyD, child clinical psychologist and director of education at the IKAR ECC preschool in Los Angeles. “That’s what our adult brains don’t understand about children’s brains. There is sometimes no rationale. Parents think the kid has more understanding and control than he does.”

5. We make worse parenting decisions when we feel judged.

Why do things always go awry in the grocery store, on a plane, or when that nasty old woman is staring us down as we try to get our kid to get her mitten on? Because we are self-conscious. “Who allowed her to have children? we imagine people thinking about us,” says Rosen. This doesn’t make averting the meltdown any easier. In all likelihood, you will never see those strangers again, so, as best you can, try to ignore.

Why do tantrums happen?

Behavior has a purpose, no matter your age, and kids have tantrums because they work. If the behavior wasn’t working, they would stop having them.
“Tantrums are common for first two years of life because toddlers don’t have a lot of other ways of expressing their needs,” says Kaiser. “If adults don’t understand what they’re trying to communicate, the best way to be understood is to fall on the floor and become a noodle and scream and yell.”  
By the time kids reach ages 3 to 4, their executive function starts to kick in. They have more self-control, they develop the skills they need to delay instant gratification and deal with frustration—but perhaps most importantly, they develop language. So instead of screaming, she can say, Can I please have some milk? or This car seat is uncomfortable.

Temper tantrums are normal.

Temper tantrums are not a sign that something is wrong with your toddler. They are, in fact, a necessary part of the individuation process—the realization of the self. “The first way [they’re] saying ‘I’m not you’ is by saying no. The child is discovering her emergent identity as a separate being, which is what we want!” explains Rosen.
This, however, can be confusing to adults, especially since it comes after a year of deep love and connection between baby and parent. “To have this loving being turn into Mr. Hyde is deeply upsetting to parents,” Rosen says. “They feel like it’s something they’ve done or can be avoided.”
Not so.
Too many of us think our M.O. should be about stopping tantrums before they start. But we’re better off thinking of temper tantrums as a necessary stage of development. Although we shouldn’t tolerate all behaviors (biting and hitting are off limits, for example), we don’t need to stop a tantrum in its tracks (by then it’s probably too late anyway).
“When your beloved being comes to you with something not pleasant, it’s a big part of them learning unconditional love,” Rosen explains. “We are, in essence, saying I will love you even when you are like this, too.

Why does my kid always throw a temper tantrum in the grocery store?

We’ve all been there. You just need to zip through—eggs, milk, emergency chocolate. It’ll only take 10 minutes! But suddenly your child has become a wailing monster in the middle of a grocery store aisle.
Why does this happen?
Your kid is really overstimulated. Lights! Colors! People! All the things they can’t have! “The things that are least healthy are the most attractive to them,” Kaiser explains. Think of all the brightly packaged chips and cookies perfectly designed to get their attention. The kid wants it and doesn’t understand why he can’t have it. So a major tantrum ensues.
All you have to do is to put that one thing he wants in the shopping cart and he’ll stop, right? No.
Let’s rewind the tape. First thing to do upon entering the store? Go to the veggie and fruit section, pick out something your kid likes, and let him eat it. Many kids will happily sit in the cart if they have a banana or apple to nibble on. (You’d be surprised how many grocery stores allow this; they don’t want to hear screaming kids either.)
Once a child is old enough, make a trip to the grocery a project (yes, this involves some forethought, but can save you a scene): Make a book of supermarket specials, and give your child a job. Or say, Go find me two red things! as you watch close by. “If they’re busy and focused, they won’t have tantrums,”  says Kaiser.
Another big way to avoid a grocery store tantrum? If you can, choose a sensible time to go. Otherwise, you are setting them up to fail. “A child who’s been at daycare all day wants downtime, or connecting time, or running around time,” says Rosen. “When you’re at the supermarket, they’re confined and you’re not relating. There is no upside for them.” It’s worth asking yourself: Am I pushing too hard at this point in the day?
Finally, remember that walking out of the store, even if it means abandoning a full grocery cart mid-aisle, is not the end of the world. If all else fails, that’s what Instacart is for.

What do you do when your child is throwing a temper tantrum in public?

The main thing a tantruming child needs is to be kept safe. So take your child to a place where she can have the temper tantrum. “Sometimes we don’t have a choice. We need to get food. You can say, I see you’re having a hard time; Mommy has to finish shopping. Finish what you need to do and leave.”
The acknowledgment piece is key. That moment of connection tells the child that she is seen and heard. When we’re worrying about what fellow shoppers think of us, we will make bad decisions because we’re mortified. “But a steady diet of distracting a child from tantrums will not work over time,” Rosen says. “You miss the teachable moment—the moment to say, I see you; it’s okay. You can’t tolerate being here. Let’s get out of here quickly.”

What do you do when your kid is throwing a temper tantrum at home?

There are so many reasons why a child has a temper tantrum, but it always comes back to one thing: He has a need. The need is real (I want a hug, something to drink, some attention, to lose it), so once the fit is over, you can figure that out. But in the meantime:

    1. Don’t say anything. “Anything you say they’re going to misinterpret,” Kaiser explains.
    2. A few steps away, take an L-stance: Stand with one foot toward your child, the other perpendicular. The point is that it’s not confrontational, and you’re a reasonable distance away—present but not standing over them.
    3. Don’t look at them, but past them (think over her shoulder). Because all kids need to breathe, they will stop and take a breath. “This is what you want: For them to breathe,” Kaiser says. “That’s when you make eye contact. You’re creating non-verbal communication.” Why is this important? “They don’t hear a word you say but they feel your body language. Look at them with ‘It’ll be okay’ in your eyes. Don’t say anything.”
    4. If the wailing starts back up, withdraw eye contact again. When he stops for a breath, make eye contact again. The child begins to connect the dots: When I’m not yelling and screaming, I’m getting support. Alternately, get down at (or below) eye level, this way they don’t feel a presence towering over them.

What to Do After a Temper Tantrum

If your child is under 2, simply give him a hug.

See if there’s any way he can let you know what he wants in a more rational way. This means helping him along. Do you want this or this? Tell her, Point at what you want!
Do not talk it over. “You’re assuming that it’s something we need to debrief on,” Rosen explains. You don’t need to process the tantrum because the brain hasn’t reached a phase where this is possible.

For a kid who is older than 2, use your sense of humor (but watch your tone of voice).

This means being aware of your non-verbal communication—in other words, don’t tell the kid it’s okay but with a nasty look on your face or anger in your voice. You can even say light-hearted things like I’m glad that’s over! Lower your voice. Your tone is important here because you want to communicate that you are not out of control.

Talk about the tantrum.

Ask questions that might make the situation a little clearer: What was that about? What can I do differently so that I can understand what you want? What can you do?

Separate the child from the behavior.

“No matter how upset or angry you were about that tantrum, you still love your child, and she still loves you,” says Kaiser. “You can say, That’s not okay; let’s find other ways to express those feelings.”

Pick your battles.

The neverending refrain of parenthood. How important is it to you that your child finish all the broccoli on her plate? If it’s not worth a massive tantrum, maybe it’s not something you really need to push her to do. Examine your own beliefs before you insist on particular behaviors.

Talk it out with your partner.

Sometimes the problem actually stems from a marital spat or a disagreement about what to do in a given situation. If another parent or caregiver was part of the equation, it’s really important to go back and talk, adult to adult, about what happened and what you can do differently next time.

Preventing Temper Tantrums

Recently I was in the car with my 4-year-old on the way home from a party. She was exhausted at the end of a long weekend and angry we had to leave the party. I could feel a meltdown coming on. I was not convinced that once we got home she would have it in her to eat dinner, have a bath, and read before collapsing in a fit of tears and screams.
What should I have done?
You seem really tired: Do you want to have a bath? How does a short bath feel?” Kaiser suggests I should’ve asked. “Treat children as people. We get so caught up in power struggles. That’s our problem, not the child’s. By giving them options, you’re teaching them to figure out what they need. Our job is to be supportive of their needs. Then a tantrum isn’t required.”

But what about when she writes on the wall with markers and then has a meltdown over it?

When a child does something he or she shouldn’t have done, the best response is natural or logical consequences—not punishment. So if the kid draws on the wall, the response should be something along the lines of, I’ll help you, but we need to wash this off, not Go to your room. She’s just going to have a tantrum—and that doesn’t teach her anything. “A tantrum is a response to us not meeting their needs,” Kaiser explains.

How do I know if a temper tantrum is a sign of something more serious?

In most cases, any out-of-control behavior a child exhibits before 18 months is not an indication of anything diagnostic. “If you’re seeing inconsolable and constant tantruming with no relief, or they can’t recover, this is sometimes diagnostic—but only with a lot of other things being present as well,” explains Rosen. In other words: It’s normal.
Throwing temper tantrums at a later age (say, between 3.5 and 4) in the style of a younger child might point to something problematic. If the child is is rageful and silent with no trigger or has no capacity to self-soothe or willingness to accept comfort, you might want to discuss the behavior with a healthcare provider. But beware of diagnosing your child on your own: “Parents read things and think their kid is autistic or a sociopath,” says Rosen. “This is almost never the case.”
Kaiser also suggests thinking more intentionally about prevention. If your kid has learned over time that the only way she gets what she wants is by holding her breath and passing out, then her needs need to be met much earlier. “We have more control over things if we are intentional, but we are often not intentional enough,” Kaiser says. “Our expectations are so off the wall. Children have the right to express their need. Our job is to listen.”
[related article_ids=18997,1006832]

Categories
Healthy Pregnancy Motherhood

13 Pregnancy Apps To Get You Through The Next Nine Months

You’re pregnant! Woohoo! Congrats, mama. As you’re quickly finding out, there is so much to keep track of—your symptoms, your appointments, the baby’s size. How can you stay on top of all the never-ending things to keep track of? With apps, of course!
But the apps don’t start (or end) when you conceive. There are myriad apps that can help you get pregnant (hello, timed sex!), and keep you sane during early motherhood.
Here are our top picks.

Best Apps for Ovulation Tracking

Glow Ovulation

The Glow team has several apps for various women’s health needs, from ovulation to fertility and pregnancy to baby’s first year. Glow Ovulation is their app designed to help you get pregnant (or not get pregnant). Its super easy navigation system can help you get on top of your cycle. Glow Ovulation allows you to track your cycle and set medication, ovulation, contraception, and period tracker reminders. “It was really helpful to be able to keep track of temps while trying to conceive,” says L.A. mom Rosemary Dardick. “After a few months of trying on our own, we got pregnant after a month of using the app.”
Download Glow Ovulation free for iOS and Android.

Ovia Fertility

For a mama-to-be who wants to infuse a little science into this project of conceiving: Ovia Fertility teaches you to track your cycle and moods, cervical fluid, nutrition, weight, exercise, blood pressure, sleep, sex, and fitness routines (it syncs with other apps, like your FitBit)—all information you can then bring to your doctor. With a staff of physicians behind it, this app has it all.
Download Ovia Fertility free for iOS and Android.

Fertility Friend

I used this one and found it super easy (and empowering!) to navigate. Fertility Friend helps you keep track of your cycle and all sorts of other things—cervical fluid, mood, cravings, and basal body temperature. With graphs to watch (of your temp going up and down, mostly) and online tutorials, you’ll easily know which days to “aim” for.  
Download Fertility Friend free for iOS and Android.

Best Pregnancy Apps for Week-by-Week Tracking

Glow Nurture

Glow Nuture is beloved by mamas-to-be because it is so comprehensive and easy to navigate. Plus, unlike some apps that only focus on you or baby, you can track your little one’s growth while also keeping track of your own symptoms. You can also socialize with other expectant mamas and track your appointments all in one place!
“I used Glow Nurture to track my baby’s growth and track all my symptoms, which was so helpful,” says Mindy Melgar of L.A.
Glow even has a feature in case you miscarry, allowing you to track your symptoms and stay on top of your emotional well-being.
Download Glow Nurture free for iOS and Android.

Ovia Pregnancy

What’s great about the Ovia Pregnancy app (other than that it was founded by a doctor) is that it actually remembers mom! So no more of the whole, “Your baby is the size of a peanut this week, the end.” Ovia puts the focus back on you. You get real-time alerts about your own symptoms (is it serious or not?), it helps you track your own wellness (food, sleep, exercise), and has a feature that allows you to look up whether certain foods and medications are safe. It can also sync up with your FitBit.
Download Ovia Pregnancy free for iOS and Android.

Babybump Pregnancy Pro

Are you a documentarian? This is the app for you. With wonderful photo-sharing capabilities and plenty of mommy groups to join, this is a do-it-all app.
Bonus features: It keeps you up to date on baby’s growth, helps you write a birth plan (with prompting questions like: Do I want my partner in the room with me all times?), and allows you to time contractions when the time comes.
Download BabyBump Pregnancy Pro free for iOS and Android.

Best Apps for Raising a Newborn

Glow Baby

Glow Baby is massively popular because of all it allows you to do—which is basically stay on top of everything. “I used Glow Baby to keep track of feedings, sleep, and diapers. Can’t say enough good things about this app, especially for the type A mama,” says L.A. mom Mindy Melgar.
Glow Baby also allows you to track doctor visits and baby’s height and weight, and it has sharing capabilities that are great for partners, grandparents, and nannies.
Download Glow Baby free for iOS and Android.

The Wonder Weeks

Why is my baby crying? Experts on baby development created the Wonder Weeks theory to help you decode the crying and fussing (hooray!). When you’re stumped (and exhausted), their app can step in, helping you understand how your baby is changing week to week—and why the soothing you did last week may not be working anymore.
Download The Wonder Weeks for $2.99 for iOS and Android.

Baby Connect

Baby Connect is an app for those obsessed with data. (I was personally addicted to this one.) Having a newborn can feel like throwing your life into total chaos, so having a place to keep track of everything—feeding, sleeping, activities, diaper changes—gave me some semblance of control. You can detect patterns and plan accordingly. It can also sync with other phones, so your partner, nanny, and other caregivers can share info (no iPhone needed).
Download Baby Connect free for iOS and Android.

Best Pregnancy App for Timing Contractions

Full Term Pregnancy

Count your baby’s kicks, time your contractions, and see graphs of your progress! This is the most popular contraction counter on the market.
Download Full Term Pregnancy free for iOS and Android.

Best App for Mom’s Mental Health

Headspace

So this isn’t a pregnancy-specific app, but Headspace is so very helpful in calming your mind and body. With guided meditations of all sorts of subjects—self-esteem, stress, compassion—you can start feeling supported wherever you are.
Download Headspace free for iOS and Android (various subscription packages available, $7.99–$12.99/month).

Best Pregnancy Apps for Baby Names

BabyName

Dubbed the Tinder of baby name apps, BabyName works—you guessed it—like Tinder. Sync the app with your partner’s, then swipe right for the names you love and left for the rejects. The names you both love appear with their meaning and origin, so no extra research is required. The winners are filed on a shared list you can revisit later (and argue over).
Download BabyName free for iOS and Android.

Baby Names

This wildly popular baby naming app has it all: 60,000 names you can sort by origin, meaning, country, and popularity. It will tell you (by year!) what your desired name was ranked. You can create and change your list as many times as you like and narrow it down based on your preferences and predilections!
Download Baby Names free for iOS.

Categories
Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Is Your Baby Ready For Baby-Led Weaning?

Recently, a friend gave me a really well-written and informative book all about baby-led weaning. Immediately, I felt like a failure, because for the past couple months, I’d been giving my eight-month-old pureed baby food. Worse, I didn’t even make it myself.
My friend didn’t intend to mom-shame me. She practiced baby-led weaning, and she just wanted to share an awesome book that had helped her tremendously. Of course, I’d heard of baby-led weaning, and I’d even tried it—once. But after watching my son gag on a piece of banana, I was too scared to try it again.
Fast forward a couple of months, and he’s more interested in what’s on my plate than his bowl of pureed green beans (and who could blame him?), so I decided to give baby-led weaning another go.
I spoke to a few nutritionists and child feeding specialists who work with parents and infants to introduce solids the right way to get the scoop on baby-led weaning. Here’s what I found out.

What is baby-led weaning?

Baby-led weaning, sometimes referred to as BLW, is a bit of a misnomer. Contrary to the name of this feeding method, you’re not actually weaning your little one. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, babies should have only breast milk or formula until they are at least six months old. But after six months, you can use baby-led weaning to introduce solids to your baby, who is still getting several nursing sessions or bottles per day.
Baby-led weaning is a method of starting solid foods with an infant that skips traditional purees and spoon feeding,” explains Diana K. Rice, a pediatric feeding expert who teaches baby-led weaning workshops in St. Louis, Missouri. “Instead, the baby is offered whole table foods in appropriate sizes and textures and allowed to self-feed from the start.”
For example, if you’re practicing baby-led weaning, you’d give your baby chunks of banana to bite into instead of pureed banana (a common first food). During baby-led weaning, your baby will still continue to breastfeed on demand until at least 12 months of age, or whenever you decide to stop breastfeeding.

Baby-Led Weaning Benefits

Until a few years ago, the World Health Organization and the American Academy of Pediatrics recommended that babies be exclusively breastfed until four months of age, at which point solids could be introduced. At four months though, babies aren’t developmentally ready to chew, so that’s why purees have traditionally been baby’s first food.
Since both organizations changed their guidelines and now recommend that parents wait until six months of age to introduce solids, baby-led weaning has become a popular way to introduce complementary foods to baby. Between four months and six months of age, babies reach several developmental milestones necessary for successful baby-led weaning: They learn to sit up unsupported, grasp food and bring it to their mouth, chew, and swallow. Because the guidelines changed, and in light of these milestones, it may not be necessary to feed baby traditional purees.
[pullquote align=”center”]”Baby-led weaning is a method … that skips traditional purees and spoon feeding. Instead, the baby is offered whole table foods in appropriate sizes and textures and allowed to self-feed from the start.”

—Diana K. Rice[/pullquote]
Few studies have been conducted on baby-led weaning, but some research does suggest that baby-led weaning may help reduce obesity rates in children by encouraging healthy eating habits where the child is in control of their own diet from an early age. In fact, the UK recently changed their infant feeding guidelines to include finger foods as an acceptable way to introduce babies to solid foods.
While more research is needed, letting baby lead the way when it comes to introducing solids could help them be better eaters as they age. According to another study, babies who weaned with a baby-led approach demonstrated less food fussiness and more food enjoyment at 24 months compared to babies weaned with other methods.

Does my baby really need solids? Isn’t “food before one just for fun”?

Whether you’re introducing your baby to solids via baby-led weaning or purees, most parents are taught the adage “Food before one is just for fun.” But Melanie Potock, a pediatric feeding specialist and author of the book Adventures in Veggieland, explains that this phrase is a little misleading:

Food before one is definitely not just for fun. Learning to eat is developmental, just like learning to crawl, then walk, then run. Certain foods help babies learn to control mouth reflexes and learn to bite, chew, and swallow effectively and safely.

Plus, at around six months, many infants use up their iron stores. Iron is necessary for baby’s brain development, so you may need to supplement with iron-rich foods. While evidence shows that extended breastfeeding is a good way to prevent [linkbuilder id=”6532″ text=”iron deficiency”], introducing foods rich in iron around 6 months of age is also recommended.
Sarah Skovran, a registered dietitian who specializes in maternal and child nutrition, weighs in: “I might amend this to ‘food before nine or ten months, just for fun,’ which I realize doesn’t rhyme. And this is absolutely a question to discuss with your baby’s doctor, as the expert opinions vary quite a bit based on the source. My recommendation is two-fold: One, offer iron-rich foods like cooked broccoli and sweet potato, and two, if you are concerned your baby isn’t eating enough by ten months of age, visit your pediatrician.”

How to Do Baby-Led Weaning: A HealthyWay Guide

Before you begin baby-led weaning, review a list of foods that could be choking hazards for babies. Rice says that includes:

  • Whole grapes
  • Whole cherry tomatoes
  • Small coin-shaped foods like raw carrot slices
  • Whole nuts
  • Whole leafy greens
  • Seeds
  • Popcorn
  • Very soft bread
  • Thickly spread nut butters (She does say “you can toast bread or spread nut butters in a thin layer to make them safe to consume.”)

Even though baby-led weaning is totally safe when done correctly, you should still get your infant CPR certification and learn the Heimlich maneuver for infants. Most hospitals offer free or low-cost infant safety classes for new parents. Even if you’re a veteran mom, it never hurts to be up-to-date on your certification—just in case.

Recommended First Baby-Led Weaning Foods

Your baby may be reaching for your plate, but she’s probably not ready for everything you’re eating just yet. So what can baby eat?
“Try slices of ripe avocado, steamed vegetables, or strips of buttered toast,” says Potock.
[pullquote align=”center”]Most hospitals offer free or low-cost infant safety classes for new parents. Even if you’re a veteran mom, it never hurts to be up-to-date on your certification—just in case.[/pullquote]
Cut each food into strips about the size of an adult’s index finger for baby to grasp and mouth. Roll slippery foods in fine cracker crumbs to make them easier to hold and to add a bit of texture.  Include pea-sized pieces of safe foods for baby to rake up with his fingers and, over time, pick up between his finger and thumb as he develops his pincer grasp.
One good way to test if a food is right for baby-led weaning is to try it yourself. If you can mash the food between your own tongue and the roof of your mouth, baby can too.

Dos And Don’ts Of Baby-Led Weaning

Do: Include baby at mealtimes!

Including baby at mealtimes with the whole family keeps them engaged and occupied during meals. Plus, pulling baby up to the table at mealtime lets them know Hey, it’s time to eat! That way, they’ll begin to understand their eating schedule.

Don’t: Season baby’s food.

Some seasoning on food is fine, Potock says, but limit salt and sugar. One easy way to do this is to portion out baby’s food first, and then season the rest as you like. Speaking of flavoring, it’s also crucial that you avoid feeding baby anything that contains honey, which is not safe for kids under a year old.

Do: Cut baby’s food into pea-size bites.

Recently, I let my son nibble off a banana I was munching, and before I knew it, he had a huge chunk of banana in his mouth. He was totally fine, but I had to fish it out and give him more manageable bite-size pieces. For babies just starting solids, food needs to be no larger than pea-size. Once baby is older and has more teeth, they can have larger bites.

Don’t: Overload baby’s senses.

Don’t give your baby too many new foods at once. Try one new food at a time. This will help you notice any signs of food allergies in addition to helping you tune into what baby will and won’t eat. If baby doesn’t seem to like one food, try it again a couple of times. It may not necessarily be the taste they don’t like, but the texture of a new food that takes some getting used to. My son hated avocado at first, but now it’s one of his favorites. If baby still doesn’t like a food after a couple of tries, move on to something new, and come back to it later.

Do: Get ready for gagging.

When we tried baby-led weaning the first time, I was not prepared to watch my infant gag. My son gagged like he was dying for a few seconds, swallowed, then gave me a huge grin. Though he was totally fine (and even seemed to enjoy the experience), I was traumatized. That said, gagging is a normal part of the process when introducing solids.
“It is very important for a parent to be prepared for the baby to gag,” Rice says, “The baby will make a U shape with his or her tongue and make a gagging noise. The baby’s eyes may water and he or she may even spit up a little bit as [they work] to spit out the large piece of food. Parents should keep in mind that gagging is a sign that the baby is learning NOT to swallow large pieces of food.”
This sounds really scary (and it is!), but Rice explains that by gagging, baby is learning how to avoid choking, which is obviously a very important life skill. Also remember that choking is typically noiseless, but when babies gag, it’s usually with a loud coughing or retching sound.

When Baby-Led Weaning Isn’t Right for You

Baby-led weaning is just one way to introduce solids to your baby. It’s still totally okay to give your baby purees, or to both spoon-feed baby and give them finger foods.
In fact, Potock says that while some proponents of BLW suggest skipping purees, many feeding specialists who focus on mouth development recommend introducing purees along with safe hand-held solids.
“Purees have a purpose: They help babies swallow safely by providing a consistent texture that’s thicker than breast milk or formula while offering new tastes and temperatures,” Potock continues. “Although some BLW educators feel that parents should never put a spoon or food directly into the child’s mouth, feeding specialists feel differently. The most important thing, which both camps can agree upon, is that parents read their baby’s cues. If baby isn’t interested in a new food, don’t attempt to help things along by putting the food in the baby’s mouth. Instead, show baby how to pick up the food, play in the food and experience the texture and temperature with the sensations in his hands and fingers. Kids are programmed to explore with their hands first and then their mouths, and that’s what leads to an interest in tasting.”
[pullquote align=”center”]“Purees have a purpose: They help babies swallow safely by providing a consistent texture that’s thicker than breast milk or formula while offering new tastes and temperatures.”
—Melanie Potock[/pullquote]
Plus, baby-led weaning is just plain hard sometimes. It requires a lot of time. Working mamas or moms with more than one kid may just not have enough time to sit and patiently supervise baby through a baby-led weaning session at mealtime. And baby-led weaning can be downright messy. If you’re a busy mama (and who isn’t?), you may barely have enough time to shower yourself, much less clean up a messy baby and even messier eating area after mealtime.
Baby-led weaning is totally safe when done correctly, but some parents are understandably concerned about choking hazards. If that’s the case for you, it might feel more comfortable to spoon-feed until baby is a bit older. Also, some babies may be perfectly capable of eating finger foods, but just prefer purees over finger foods at first, and that’s also okay.
Ultimately, deciding how to introduce solids to your little one is a personal decision. Whether you choose to do baby-led weaning, purees, or a combination of both, the most important thing is that eating is a positive and nutritious experience for baby.

Sweet Potato Pancakes: A Recipe for All Ages From Adventures In Veggieland

Yield: 12 Pancakes

Ingredients:

  • 3 large eggs, beaten, plus one more if needed
  • 1 cup cooked and pureed sweet potato
  • ½ teaspoon ground cinnamon
  • 1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
  • Butter or oil for pan

[noads]

Method:

  1. Combine all ingredients to form a batter the consistency of thick applesauce. Add an additional egg if the batter is too thick.
  2. Heat a skillet or griddle over medium heat and coat with butter or oil.
  3. Carefully spoon batter onto your cooking surface to make pancakes the size of a baseball. Brown one side, flip, and brown the other (cooking about 5 minutes per side).

Serve with maple syrup for older kids and grown-ups. Babies can just hold, smush, and eat!
Adapted from the recipe on page 52 in “Adventures in Veggieland” by Melanie Potock, MA, CCC-SLP
[/noads]

Categories
Healthy Pregnancy Motherhood

6 Ways To Stay Calm And Positive During Your First Trimester

After the second dark line appeared on my at-home pregnancy test, joy and excitement jolted through my veins.
But some worries snuck their way in, too: Would our baby make it to full term? Would he or she be healthy? Was I fit to be a mom?
I struggled to reconcile the doubts in my mind even though I was incredibly thankful for the new little life inside of me. And I’m not the only one! More than one in 10 women experience anxiety during pregnancy.
If you’ve experienced a miscarriage or dealt with infertility, the first trimester can be an emotional roller coaster. Even if you’ve had smooth-sailing baby-making in the past, getting through those first 12 weeks isn’t always easy.

The first 12? 13? 14? How long is the first trimester, anyway?

Surprisingly, there isn’t a consensus on how long the first trimester lasts. Based on various sources, 12 to 14 weeks is generally accepted. The most common definition seems to be that the end of your 12th week marks the conclusion of your first trimester. According to one pregnancy app, that means your baby will be the size of a lemon!
Because the highest percentage of miscarriages occur in the first trimester, it’s common (and understandable) to be nervous and take all the precautions you can. But if you’re in the thick of first trimester anxiety, there’s hope! There are plenty of ways to help you stay relaxed during these initial weeks so you can enjoy more of the journey with your new precious gift.

First Trimester Tip 1: Focus on what you can control.

Human beings tend to love being in the driver’s seat, but some things are entirely out of our hands.
“The statistics around first trimester miscarriages are tough,” admits certified nurse midwife Theresa Starr. It may be helpful to know, though, that approximately 50 percent of miscarriages in the first trimester are due to fetal chromosomal abnormalities, not anything the mother did.
While smoking, drinking, and using drugs can impact your chances of miscarriage, not much else does, thank goodness!
For instance, attending a regular aerobics class or missing one prenatal vitamin shouldn’t be cause for concern. (I’m even guilty of obsessing over having sniffed a lemongrass essential oil!)
“We usually don’t know why a first trimester miscarriage happens. We let women know that they couldn’t have prevented it—that there was nothing they did wrong, and that a miscarriage probably won’t affect their ability to get pregnant in the future,” explains Starr.
So rather than letting unnecessary worry occupy your headspace, focus your energy on what you can control: your diet, exercise, and the amount of rest you get each night.
Eating healthy and participating in regular exercise will help you feel better both physically and mentally. Making small changes during pregnancy will help you and baby be as healthy as possible,” explains certified doula and childbirth educator Marisol Garcia.

Aim for a well-rounded first trimester diet.

Wondering what to eat in the first trimester? Focus primarily on receiving a breadth of nutrients.
A well-rounded diet of healthy fats, carbohydrates, proteins, fruits, and vegetables are recommended for expectant moms.
“Studies have shown that women who have a balanced diet and consume 80–100 grams of protein per day are less likely to feel morning sickness. Eating smaller and more frequent meals helps too,” shares Garcia.
But don’t worry if you miss a day of healthy eating; just get back on track tomorrow!

Practice light to moderate exercise during the first trimester.

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists states that if you’re healthy and have been given the go-ahead from your doctor, it’s safe to continue or start most types of exercise. In fact, studies show that exercise benefits both you and your baby. Not too surprising, right?
But to ensure you’re getting in proper first trimester workouts, it’s helpful to know what’s safe and what’s not.
The most general recommendation is that you can continue any exercises you were doing previously. For instance, “if you lifted weights prior to getting pregnant, you can continue doing so. Just remember your center of gravity shifts, so take things a bit slower. Stay well hydrated and avoid activities where you have a risk of falling,” explains Starr.
[pullquote align=”center”]“When you’re taking care of your body, you’re likely to experience less anxiety, because you’re doing everything physically that you should be doing.”
—Theresa Starr[/pullquote]
Hiking and swimming have become my go-to pregnancy workouts—giving my skis (both downhill and water) a break for the season.
“When you’re taking care of your body, you’re likely to experience less anxiety, because you’re doing everything physically that you should be doing,” says Starr.

First Trimester Tip 2: Choose your sources for information wisely.

“I really encourage expectant moms to learn as much as they can—but in a healthy way,” says Galena Rhoades, PhD, research associate professor of psychology at the University of Denver and project director of MotherWise Colorado.
It’s convenient to pop every question into a search engine, but it can sometimes cause more harm than good if you’re not careful about which sites you’re visiting. Dr. Google isn’t actually a doctor—and it’s not your friend either.
Rhoades further explains that not all online sources should be avoided but that you should be mindful of the sources you choose. “If you’re reading an online forum, it’s hard to know how accurate that information is. You’re likely to find information that keeps you worried, because people typically don’t post about things that go well.”
As Starr notes, it’s best to “focus on factual information with scientific evidence.”
Outside of the internet, books written by professionals are another avenue for seeking reliable information, explains Rhoades. If you’re unable to find a definitive answer online or in a book, don’t hesitate to call up your OB provider.

First Trimester Tip 3: Establish a support system (even if you’re not sharing the news publicly yet).

Whether you’re feeling all of the lovely first trimester symptoms like fatigue and nausea or you’re one of the lucky few who aren’t, having support gives you strength when you need it most.
Many women fall into telling someone or not telling someone they’re pregnant based on what they feel they should do rather than what’s best for them. “Instead, make a mindful decision of who you want support from,” encourages Rhoades.
You may feel obligated to first share the news with your parents or sister, when perhaps having a best friend or co-worker by your side would be beneficial.
Form a plan with your partner regarding who you want to share your pregnancy news with and when, so you can get the support you need.
Unsure of who to lean on?
“Look for people who are supportive and in line with your beliefs,” suggests Garcia. Almost everyone has an opinion about pregnancy and parenthood, so “direct your energy to someone who carries similar views.”  
Rhoades also stresses the importance of building a community of women or couples who are going through the same experience. Sometimes this happens naturally if you have friends or family who are pregnant at the same time. Other times you may need to find a pregnancy support group or a studio that specializes in prenatal yoga.

First Trimester Tip 4: Practice self-care (and don’t be shy about pampering yourself!).

With so much focus on the baby, we can forget to take care of ourselves during pregnancy (surprise, surprise). But self-care is vital: It helps keep us healthy, sane, and energized.
Having worked with expectant moms for more than 20 years, Starr expresses the joy of pregnant women now having a range of self-care options: prenatal massages, prenatal yoga, and even guided meditation apps. Even something as simple as taking a bath (sounds amazing, right?) or asking your partner to make dinner can offer you the relief and care you need.
That’s right: Go ahead and put your feet up!
“It’s also important to release any tension and insecurities within you,” explains Garcia. If you’re experiencing problems with your loved ones, address insecurities and emotions before your baby’s arrival to help ensure healthier relationships both during pregnancy and parenthood. If you feel tension in your body, practice meditation, prenatal yoga, and relaxation exercises at home.
No matter how you decide to pamper yourself during your first trimester (which you should definitely do), just be sure it’s safe. The American Pregnancy Association recommends not elevating your body temperature to 101º F or above as it can cause concerns during pregnancy. So steer clear of hot tubs, saunas, and steam rooms to eliminate this risk.

First Trimester Tip 5: Bond with your baby daily.

Early on in the pregnancy, it can be tough to feel connected with your baby, says Starr, “especially if you’re not feeling well due to morning sickness and fatigue.”
I mean, come on, who’s feeling connected after perching over the toilet all morning?
[pullquote align=”center”]“When you take a moment to remind yourself that there’s a baby growing, you become more mindful of what your body’s doing, and that’s incredibly valuable.
—Galena Rhodes, PhD[/pullquote]
But bonding with your baby for at least a few minutes each day can reduce your anxiety and stress while pregnant, says Rhoades. “Set aside time by yourself or with your partner to think about and talk through what you’re experiencing. When you take a moment to remind yourself that there’s a baby growing, you become more mindful of what your body’s doing, and that’s incredibly valuable.”
If you’re experiencing anxiety while pregnant, Rhoades recommends setting aside dedicated time to worry as well. Rather than letting fearful thoughts infiltrate your work day or distract you when you’re out with friends, you can say to yourself, “OK, I have time to think and worry about this tomorrow.” Devoting time to worry has long been a technique used by therapists to treat anxiety, and it can be particularly helpful to expectant moms.

First Trimester Tip 6: Connect with additional resources.

“Women feel increases and dips of hormonal changes during pregnancy and postpartum. It’s important to practice self-care and address any mental health issues with your medical professional,” explains Garcia. Even though you may be excited about the new baby, it’s still a huge life change, whether this is your first or fourth child.
So remember: You’re far from alone.
“It’s incredibly common to experience stress while pregnant,” Rhoades confirms. “If you’ve been feeling worried or anxious for several days or more in the last two weeks, it’s worth talking with your provider or therapist.” Professional assistance can be found in a counselor, therapist, or even books.
Processing what’s happening for you and learning techniques to manage your stress, anxiety, or depression will benefit you throughout your pregnancy—and after you welcome your beautiful new baby into the world.