Category: Motherhood

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Motherhood

6 Things To Remember When Giving Birth In A Turkish Hotel Room (Or Any Other Unusual Place)

Here’s the scenario: You’re in a Turkish hotel, giving birth. You don’t think that anyone in the area speaks English, you’ve never given birth before, and you’re absolutely positive that the baby’s not going to wait another second. What do you do?
For Tia Freeman, the answer was obvious: Get on YouTube. With some help from the internet, she recently gave birth to her first child, Xavier Ata, alone in a hotel bathroom.


About 1.5 percent of U.S. women give birth in locations other than hospitals, per a report from Reuters Health. But many of them do so by choice, according to Karly Nuttall, a home birth midwife—they do it to keep control, to maintain body autonomy, to curate a comfortable setting. Tia did it out of necessity.
We spoke with Tia and Karly to find out what it’s really like to give birth in a strange place—and what every woman should know if she finds herself in that position.  

1. In desperate situations, you might not think to call a hospital.

As soon as she arrived in the hotel, she started prepping. We asked Tia why she didn’t call a hospital right away.
“I thought about it,” she says, “but from the limited amount of time I’d been in Turkey—there were so few people who spoke English, and I didn’t know any Turkish other than ‘Thank you’ and ‘Okay.’ That was a factor. I also knew that each country had a different 911 number, and I didn’t know that number in Turkey.”


She also had practical concerns.
“I didn’t know how my insurance was going to work overseas,” she says, “and on top of that, he was coming so quickly. My contractions were, like, back-to-back at this point. I didn’t think I was going to make it to a hospital anyway, so I said, ‘Well, I guess we’re just going to have to figure this out.'”
https://www.instagram.com/p/BC-c9CxpDsv/?taken-by=teenwitchtia
“If a pregnancy is not planned and a baby is coming fast, sometimes people can’t get to the hospital in time,” says Karly. “A birth under three hours is a precipitous labor, and usually that means that there are no complications. Sometimes, the baby may need a little assistance breathing because it can be shocking for them, but more often than not, if a woman is having a rapid birth, usually everything is fine.”

2. A bit of guidance goes a long way.

After she realized that she was giving birth, Tia looked up tutorials on YouTube.
“In true millennial form!” she says. “I didn’t know what else to do, so I was like, ‘Well, the internet’s got my back. YouTube, Google—one way or another, I’m going to figure this out.'”


She boiled shoelaces in her hotel room’s teapot (Tia tells us that most Turkish hotel rooms have teapots), grabbed towels, and ran water in the bathtub. The shoelaces would tie off the umbilical cord, at which point she could cut through it with a sterilized pocket knife.
“I was like, ‘Alright, this should get the job done.’ I put the towel in my mouth to muffle out the screaming—because the only labor I’d known was what I saw on television, and those women always look like they’re going through hell and high water.”


Tia was preparing to “freebirth” it—she was delivering her own child, on her own, without any sort of assistance whatsoever. While, spoiler alert, everything worked out in her case, Karly recommends against that practice.
“If you are birthing at home with a midwife, they will have proper training and education,” she says. “There are three common types of complication that can happen out of hospital: hemorrhage, shoulder dystocia, and infant resuscitation. Midwives are trained and have all of the same equipment to deal with these situations. Our best tool is our ability to observe and know when something is no longer low risk and make the call to transfer if necessary.”

3. Ultimately, your body knows what to do.

As Tia began giving birth, she had a brief moment of panic.
“So I’m groaning into this towel and pushing, and I’m like, ‘Why is this baby not coming out? Where’s my epidural? How did I get into this situation?'” Tia recalls.
https://twitter.com/TheWittleDemon/status/988924447359946752?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
“And then, finally, I’m guiding his head, because I know not to pull. Suddenly, he just comes popping out into the water and floats to the top,” she recalls, laughing. “I was like, ‘Oh my God, it’s a baby!'”
We asked Karly what women should know if they find themselves in the same situation. The short answer: Relax and let your body take over.


“Stay calm and realize that is a normal and natural process,” she says. “Mothers usually know what to do instinctively. You want to deliver the head as slow as you can. You want to keep the baby warm, you want to help stimulate the baby to breathe if they are not doing so on their own with rubbing or a quick puff of air.”
Of course, the safest option is to have a midwife or doctor nearby.

4. Cutting the cord can be pretty traumatic.

After the delivery, Tia successfully clamped and cut the cord. That was the first time she felt afraid.
“‘What if I cut the wrong thing?'” she remembers thinking. “‘This isn’t a game of Operation, this is the real deal. It’s game time.'”


Karly notes that this can be a tricky part of the process.
“You want to let the umbilical cord pulse until it’s finished,” she says. “Don’t touch it or do anything to it.”


Per the American Pregnancy Association, the umbilical cord doesn’t have to be cut immediately; in fact, one study found that babies whose cords were clamped more than a minute after delivery had greater iron storage three to six months after birth. However, those babies also required more phototherapy due to jaundice.
If you find yourself in Tia’s situation, you’ll want to clamp and cut—but take your time, don’t panic, and wait for the pulsing to stop before you reach for those scissors.

5. If you can give birth in a Turkish hotel room, you can do just about anything.

Amazingly, Tia didn’t panic at all during labor, and while she admits that the experience seems scary in retrospect, she remembers feeling fairly calm.
“I just thought, ‘What’s step one? Water birth, I saw that somewhere on the internet. Okay, step two: What position do I get in? On to step three.’ And the whole time, I’m talking out loud to myself. I probably sounded crazy to the person in the next room, but I was just trying to coax myself through it.”
https://www.instagram.com/p/BhVAbgJjfqo/?taken-by=teenwitchtia
“And I’m on the internet this whole time. The internet’s like, ‘Don’t push until your contractions are two minutes apart,’ and I’m like, ‘Psh, I’ve got a timer, I can do this. My iPhone has prepared me for this.'”

6. Flight authorities ask a lot of questions if you suddenly show up with a new baby.

The consulate authorities asked her how she’d boarded a plane in her third trimester.
“I didn’t really know the official rules regarding who can’t fly, but no one ever asked. No one ever told me I couldn’t—in their defense, though, I didn’t really look pregnant.”
https://twitter.com/TheWittleDemon/status/988937072764387329?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
Airlines typically prevent women from flying in the last several weeks of their trimester without a doctor’s note, but some airlines don’t have any policies whatsoever. According to the CDC, the typical cutoff date is 36 weeks into a pregnancy.
“At no point did anyone chastise me or anything, but they had a lot of questions,” Tia says. “They kept saying, ‘I can’t believe you did this.’ And I was like, ‘I barely believe it myself.'”
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bih5bUslgK9/?taken-by=teenwitchtia
Tia answered dozens of questions to prove that the baby was actually hers, then filled out paperwork for a United States birth certificate. Xavier received an emergency passport.

Xavier, by the way, is doing well.

His middle name, “Ata,” references the unusual circumstances of his birth.
“It’s Turkish,” she tells HealthyWay. “I kinda just got it from the ladies that were helping me at the airport. They were like, ‘Oh, he needs a Turkish name, he needs a Turkish name!’ And I was like, ‘Well, I think I can do that.'”
Ata is both the name of the city where Tia gave birth and a reference to the founder of the Republic of Turkey.


“If you’re planning on traveling later in a pregnancy, pack a baby-go bag,” she says, “even if you’re super early and you don’t think that you baby’s coming. Babies come on their own time! If you do end up going into labor somewhere where you can’t get to a hospital—say you’re stuck at traffic or you’re at home and you can’t get to a phone—deep breaths.”
“I know, it sounds very cliché. Breathe and focus, and your body and your instincts will take over.”

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Healthy Pregnancy Motherhood

So You Want To Be A Surrogate? Here’s What You Need To Know

Because she’d experienced pregnancy loss herself, Crystal Henry, a writer who blogged about her surrogacy experience, had no reservations when she decided to carry a child for a friend whose chances of natural conception were slim at best. When her friend decided to try IVF treatments, though, Henry knew she still wanted to be a surrogate.
“I remember thinking I’d love to help another woman become a mother. I loved being pregnant, and after my natural delivery with my second daughter, I knew I wanted to do that again. I also knew our family was complete, so surrogacy was the next natural step to chase that birth high.”
Though Henry knew right away she wanted to be a surrogate, the decision to become a surrogate or gestational carrier is a huge decision.
If you’re considering becoming a surrogate, here’s what you need to know, from fertility doctors, surrogacy lawyers, intended parents, and surrogates who’ve been there.

Surrogate, Gestational Surrogate, Egg Donor: What’s the Difference?

There are a couple of different ways to become a surrogate, and each one has its own pros and cons for all parties involved. Traditional surrogacy is when the surrogate’s own egg is fertilized with either the intended father or a donor’s sperm, meaning that the surrogate is biologically tied to the child. A gestational surrogate, on the other hand, carries a fertilized egg from the intended parents and/or egg and sperm donors, so they have no genetic ties to the child. An egg donor is just that: a woman who only donates her eggs to be fertilized.
Now that we’ve got the basics down, here’s what you need to know if you’re considering becoming a surrogate.

Surrogacy won’t make you rich.

Kim Kardashian West, who famously became a surrogacy advocate when her daughter Chicago was born via surrogate earlier this year, reportedly paid the surrogate around $45,000 (the average cost to hire a surrogate) over a 10-month period. If you’re dreaming of ways to pay down your student debt or make a down payment on your dream home, a $30,000 to $50,000 check can sound ultra-tempting. But when you break down the actual cost-to-work ratio of incubating a little human for almost 10 months, your earnings may surprise you.
“I did get pre-birth child support. If you think about it, there aren’t a lot of babysitters who would do the job 24 hours a day for nine months for free,” says Henry. “It took us two years, months of IVF injections, countless [reproductive endocrinologist] and OB doctor’s visits as well as the risks and pain of labor and childbirth—I delivered without so much as a Tylenol. I think when we totaled it up I got paid just over $1 per hour. So I can assure you that no surrogate does this for the money.”

I just want to help people have kids. How do I become a surrogate?

Becoming a surrogate is a lengthy process. First, you’ll need to meet a few standards that almost all surrogacy agencies require.
“Ideally, surrogates to have a healthy BMI, have delivered at least one healthy baby vaginally, and pass any psychological testing required,” explains Shahin Ghadir, MD, of the Southern California Fertility Center. “In California, a surrogate must also be between the ages of 21 and 39 years old, have had no more than three cesareans, and no more than five vaginal deliveries.”
While the agency won’t require it, Stephanie Caballero, a surrogacy lawyer who practices at the Surrogacy Law Center in California, recommends surrogates also have a stellar support team.
“She’s [a surrogate], been pregnant before, and she gets it,” Caballero says of the ideal surrogate, “but a surrogacy really does take a village and that village includes agency personnel, if any, intended parents, OB-GYN, IVF physician, nurse coordinators, attorney, and a mental health professional.”
After her friend decided to pursue IVF, Henry decided to work with an agency to become a surrogate, but it took a couple of tries to find a good fit.
“During the initial interview process they asked how I felt about termination. …While I’d never begrudge another woman’s decision, I couldn’t be in a position to terminate,” says Henry.
So, she reached out to other agencies until she found a surrogacy agency that did not require termination as part of the surrogate’s contract. If you feel strongly about a particular issue, as Henry did, make sure that you find a reputable surrogacy agency that’s right for you. It may take a little longer to make a match with intended parents, but it’s in everyone’s best interest to be on the same page.

What are a surrogate’s legal rights?

A surrogate will enter into a contract with the intended parents before becoming pregnant. Every single detail will be outlined in that contract, but actual surrogacy law differs from state to state.
“In the United States every state handles surrogacy differently so the potential gestational carrier—the most common form of surrogacy, where the woman carrying the child is not genetically related—needs to check the laws in her state to see if surrogacy is practiced,” says Caballero.
“For instance, surrogacy is very limited in the state of New York where only compassionate surrogacy is allowed. No fees are involved, so typically surrogacy is between family or friends,” Caballero explains. “Contrast that with the state of California, where my firm is located. California has very solid case law and a surrogacy statute that defines the roles of both the gestational carrier and the intended parents and protects them.”
Surrogacy contracts are very detailed. A surrogacy contract will cover everything from the rights and responsibilities of both the parents-to-be and the gestational carrier, medical and life insurance, parental rights, intent of the parties, escrow and trust holder information and details, medical procedures, delivery and birth, and conduct of the surrogate, as well as payment to the surrogate, if that’s applicable.
While extreme surrogacy cases (like a surrogate keeping a child) make for great Lifetime movies, they hardly ever happen in real life, says Caballero.
“These situations are extremely rare and usually happen when corners have been cut and the surrogate has not received psychological screening and testing and she did not have an attorney represent her,” Caballero explains.

Who uses surrogates—and is it weird for a surrogate to be friends with the intended parents?

The demographics of intended parents vary: Of course there are heterosexual couples who cannot or choose not to conceive and opt to use a surrogate, as in Henry’s experience, which involved an intended mother and an intended father. That said, gay couples are increasingly using surrogacy to build their families, too.
The Chicago Tribune reports that at Fertility Centers of Illinois, gay men rarely pursued surrogacy just five years ago. Since then, the number has been increasing. A 2018 report showed that overall, gay male couples are content with the level of contact they have with their surrogate; the only men in the study who were discontent wanted more contact with their surrogate, not less. Also heartening if you’re considering becoming a surrogate: The findings of a 2016 report showed that children conceived by surrogacy and raised by gay men tend to have positive relationships with their surrogates.
But before anyone can build a positive relationship with their surrogate, they have to find one! So how do couples feel about finding (and nurturing a relationship with) the right surrogate?
“It takes a long time to meet the right surrogate, but when you do, you just know,” Dustin Lance Black, an Academy Award-winning screenwriter, tells HealthyWay. He and his husband, Olympic diver Tom Daley, are expecting their first child via surrogate later this year. “I knew the first time we met our surrogate that we’d made a match. It was partly how she was with her own kids and husband, loving and hilarious, and how she was with Tom and I. …She reminded me so much of our own families that I hoped and prayed she’d say yes to carrying our firstborn. Because at the end of the day, she’s going to be in our family’s heart and lives for a good long time, and we adore her and her family.”
The relationship between a surrogate and the intended parents is very intimate for obvious reasons, but it will mostly be defined by the contract both parties agreed upon. For example, the intended parents will probably want to attend the surrogate’s OB appointments and be present for the birth of the child. Still, each surrogacy relationship is totally unique.
“An open line of communication is key in these relationships,” says Ghadir. “It is very important that both parties—potential surrogates and intended parent(s)—feel a good connection.”
When Henry was matched with her first intended parents, she felt an immediate connection.
“They asked questions like Would I feel comfortable with them being in the room during delivery?” Henry remembers. “I joked that not only would they be in the room, but [the intended father] would deliver the baby. They laughed, but two years later he sat at the edge of my hospital bed and caught his daughter as she came into the world. Baby mama was laying next to me in the bed ready to be the first one to hold her daughter skin-to-skin. It was absolutely the most incredible thing I’ve ever done.”

Surrogacy is a challenging (and totally rewarding) experience.

Being a surrogate is a life-changing experience for the surrogate, intended parents, and most importantly, the child who’s being born.
Most of the people I spoke to about surrogacy said they’d do it again without hesitation. For Henry, helping a family have a child fulfilled her own desire to make a difference in the world.
“If this little surro baby grows up to be president, I get to say I played a role in her existence,” explains Henry. “People always say I’m some kind of angel or some selfless person, and they couldn’t be more wrong. I was just trying to fulfill my own dream, and it happened to fulfill the dreams of another couple. The family who allowed me to carry their only hope of a child were the brave and inspiring ones. They were the ones that had to wait for two years, and to trust someone they hardly knew to care for their child.”
For Black and Daley, surrogacy has been a lesson in gratitude.
“I lost my mother many years ago now. Tom lost his father as well. When Tom and I first met, we shared our dream of having children of our own one day, to pass on our parents’ love and lessons to our own. Surrogacy has given us this chance. There’s nothing I’ve ever been more grateful for.”

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Mom x Body Motherhood

Train Your Mind, Change Your Body: Nadia Murdock Tells HealthyWay About Her Powerful Personal Transformation

After struggling for years to face the woman she saw staring back at her in the mirror, Nadia Murdock decided once and for all that she would change her body (and her mind) for the better. Nadia became her own very first personal training client—and through hard work, the right mindset, and a little help from her loving support system, she was able to unlock the true potential that had been inside of her all along.
Although the road wasn’t always easy, Nadia has since become an author and fitness coach. If you’ve ever struggled with your outward appearance or feeling unsatisfied with your overall health and happiness, Nadia’s personal transformation journey is definitely worth your consideration.

How It Began

Your story is so inspiring. Can you tell me a bit about your personal fitness journey and how it all began?

I was fairly healthy before leaving home for college, largely because I rarely had access to bad foods in our home. It wasn’t until my freshman year of college when I had junk food at my fingertips—not to mention the excessive late nights and college parties—that it really started to add up.
I was unhappy with the college I had chosen, so I would pretty much eat all the time and watch movies. After transferring I would work out here and there but was not active enough to truly see a difference. My eating habits slightly improved but remained unhealthy overall. It wasn’t until my senior year of college (I explain this in detail in my book You Can Have It All) that I got serious about my food choices and exercise and started to train my mind so I could change my body!

When did you realize that you wanted to change your life? Was there a specific moment that lit your fire?

My fourth year of college allowed me to re-evaluate what I was eating and how I needed to clean up my lifestyle. My brother gifted me a gym membership and that was such a pivotal change in my life.

How did you turn these thoughts into actions initially?

I kept my own version of a fitness journal where I recorded motivational quotes, recipes, after photos to remind me of how far I have traveled in my fitness journey … and I really put myself out there taking every group fitness class imaginable.

What was the hardest part of your personal transformation?

Realizing these things take time and there is no quick fix! Because of that experience, it’s the number one lesson I share with my clients and students. Also, learning to stop comparing myself to others. Nothing is wrong with a little healthy competition—actually it’s a great motivator!—however it took some time for me to realize just because I am not size 2 doesn’t mean I am not healthy and fit!

Was there ever a time when you felt like giving up and returning to your old lifestyle?

Definitely! It was a few years after grad school and I landed my first full-time job. Over the years I became very unhappy in that position and as a result my old habits started to creep back in (similar to my college experience). Although I was still going to the gym, my physique reflected otherwise! I still remember looking at a photo thinking something had to change! I landed a gig as a fitness contributor for a blog and that really helped put me back on track. I started trying new classes, meeting new people, and surrounding myself with the right energy.

HealthyWay
Carley Storm Photography for Yaysay Media

Barre

Why did you decide to become a fitness coach?

More and more people started asking me for fitness advice both through my column and at the gym. I had dinner with a friend visiting from out of town and explained my working situation and my love for fitness. She encouraged me and convinced me I could live my dream and I needed to pursue my passion in health and wellness. So I looked into certifications and went for it!

How did you initially discover barre?

I was mainly teaching Zumba classes and I was looking for a way to diversify my teachings. I had taken a few barre classes on my own as a student and really loved the variety of the workout. As a fitness writer I had come in contact with several barre professionals and actually pursed my certification through Beyond Barre, who I had interviewed in the past.
I gravitated to the concentration on form and the variety that the certification offered. It was an excellent stepping stone for me to create my own classes. Since then I have received continuing ed certifications with Barre Variations and BarreAmped BOUNCE.

What keeps you coming back to barre?

I was originally drawn to barre as a way to add variety to my teachings. It then became the perfect option for me while I was pregnant with my son. Not only was barre perfect during my pregnancy, but post pregnancy too. Barre can be taught in so many different ways and styles; no workout is the same!

What do you enjoy most about being a fitness coach?

Hearing about everyone’s transformation. Whether it’s how much stronger they feel or how clothes fit them better, knowing that I helped to make a difference in someone’s life means a lot!

What other types of physical exercise do you enjoy outside of barre?

I make it a point to still find time for my own personal workouts outside of barre, which include spin, BODYPUMP weight lifting classes, Zumba, and BODYATTACK, which is like kickboxing.

HealthyWay
Carley Storm Photography for Yaysay Media

Motherhood and Words of Wisdom

What is your personal training philosophy?

I really like to keep my relationships personable; it truly resonates with my personality. I also make it a point to customize my programs. There is no cookie cutter approach at Nadia Murdock Fit! My mind and body program digs deep to discover what obstacles and mental roadblocks are preventing each individual from achieving their goals. It worked for me and I created it to help others, hence my tagline: #trainyourmindchangeyourbody.

What words of wisdom or encouragement do you have for other women who are starting their health and wellness journey?

Don’t give up, don’t get discouraged, try to remain positive no matter what! A lot of people may not be supportive during your transformation. Do not allow that energy to derail you from your goals.

How do you balance motherhood with your career, training schedule, client needs, et cetera?

Oh—this is a big one! I am still figuring this out but it definitely takes a team to make it achievable. My husband and mother have been very supportive, and we all work together to make it happen! I think making any kind of time for myself is so vital and makes me a better mom.

What is your advice for fellow mothers who want to change their lives—especially when it comes to their experience of health and wellness—but who may feel discouraged due to time constraints or feelings of guilt about taking time for self-care?

Again, I’m still figuring this out! I think a lot of things as a mom—especially a first-time mom—are ongoing learning experiences. I do feel it’s not only important for moms but great for children to witness self-care! They are truly sponges and if they learn this important lifestyle lesson firsthand, they are more likely to make it part of their own lives.

One of your qualities that I’m always drawn to is your positivity and sincerity. How do you stay so positive and emotionally intelligent?

That is a really sweet thing to say, thank you! I think kindness goes a long way, and I feel good when I can make someone smile or improve their day in some way. I went through a period in my life when I wasn’t always so positive. Looking back on it now, that was a result of unhappiness in either my career or health journey.
Positivity is now a part of me for many reasons—most of all gratitude. When you can be thankful for what you have it’s really easy to be positive. I also think weeding out negative energy is a must in order to be the most positive version of yourself.

I see on your website that you’ve recently launched the NMFit Mind & Body Podcast. Could you give our readers a sense of what they can expect from your podcast?

Yes! The NMFIT Mind & Body podcast launched back in March. My goal was to bring some of my online interviews into an audible version. I focus on different topics with my interviewees, ranging from reiki to female entrepreneurship. I also include my own personal chats because I wanted to offer another opportunity for my audience to get to know me on a personable level. Have a listen! It’s like chatting with your girlfriends—perfect to listen to during your next run or commute to work.
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More Than Mom Motherhood

Always A Mom: Relearning To Love Mother's Day After My Son's Passing

Mother’s Day. It’s roses and balloons, poems and sweet little notes. It’s kisses and hugs. It’s the beautiful little ceramic box my then-9-year-old son got me in Brooklyn (with the help of my mom, visiting from France) reading, “A mom’s love is the best gift of all.” It’s the beautiful note he wrote, saying “Happy Mother’s Day … but mostly, it’s my birthday!”
Mother’s Day. It’s music and laughter and kindness. It’s signs everywhere: outside, inside, on TV, on the web, on social media, on restaurant boards, on shop windows. It’s that day—one full day—where the bond between your child and you is here, for all to celebrate. For you, for your circle, for society.
Mother’s Day is recognition: You. Are. A. Mother.
Until it stops.
I lost my beautiful 17-year-old son 6 years ago. Since then, Mother’s Day has been blades in my heart and daggers in my soul, to say the least. (And not only on the actual day, but for weeks prior.) It feels like a constant attack: There is no escape, and wherever you try to turn your head, you are faced with another commercial, another social media post that says, well, it is happening. Without your child.
HealthyWay
Where are you? Where do you fit? Where do you fit without disrupting people, society, and norms? Without disrupting the order of things? Where do you fit when there will be no balloons, kisses, hugs, or flowers? When there is just you and the constant reminders of the absence?
In 2010, a mother created International Bereaved Mother’s Day. It’s “intended to be a temporary movement [and] … a heart-centered attempt at healing the official Mother’s Day for all mothers.”

CarlyMarie, who started International Bereaved Mother’s Day, says on the website, “I believe that we can do this and that sometime in the near future there will be no need for this day at all because all true mothers will be recognized, loved, supported and celebrated.”
My friend Irene Vouvalides, who is a board member of the support group Helping Parents Heal, gave me good advice when she told me, “We celebrate Mother’s Day as we celebrate the bond created by mother and child. We are mothers, always, regardless of whether our children walk this earth or not.”
My son’s birthday is on May 11, so it usually falls a few days before or after Mother’s Day; sometimes his birthday is on Mother’s Day itself. The first years after his death, this has compounded my pain in ways that I can’t put into words. I was unable to step outside to listen to children’s laughter, to hear the music, the noise, see the full restaurants, the cards and flowers and balloons and kisses.
Irene told me that through the few years since our children died, she is finding that Mother’s Day has become “less tortuous and more peaceful.” Every year now, she buys something for herself in her daughter’s name. This year, I will do the same.
I used to say, “We are still mothers.” This year, I am saying, “I am your mother. Here. Yesterday. Always.”
It’s still a process, but I’m starting to understand and accept that we can still honor Mother’s Day. Even though our children are no longer physically present, our children—my child—are still here.
I love you, Keanu. I blow kisses to the sky today and on this Mother’s Day, and I thank you for being my amazing son, today and always.

Categories
More Than Mom Motherhood

All I Want For Mother's Day Is A Night Alone

The only thing I want for Mother’s Day this year—and every year—is a night alone in a hotel. I want to revel in the absolute silence of a child-free bedroom. I want to order a $36 room service hamburger and not have to share it with someone under the age of 5. I want to go to sleep between sheets that someone else has washed. I want to sleep until I wake up, after which I will enjoy a boiling hot cup of coffee and read The New York Times from cover to cover.
In short, the only thing I want for Mother’s Day is to pretend I’m not a mother.
Before the keyboard critics rush to accuse me of being an unloving, negligent mother, let me state for the record that I love my children—but I don’t love being with them every single second of every single day. Any woman who says that she can’t imagine needing a break from her children probably doesn’t have them.
If you have even an inkling of what the average day is like for a busy mom with one, three, or 15 kids—essentially being a short-order cook and a maid and a worker bee and a chauffeur and all the other stuff you can possibly think of—you’ll understand why the one thing I ask for every Mother’s Day is a night away from my family.
To be perfectly honest, the thing I need a break from the most is the constant touching.
Before I had children, I didn’t understand the term “touched out.” In fact, my high-school self—the one who threw herself at any male human with a pulse—would think it was totally insane that someone wouldn’t want to be touched all the time. Flash forward 20 years or so to a life that’s filled with small humans clinging to my person from 6 a.m. (on a good day) until 8 p.m., and then sometimes a large human trying to touch me in all the wrong places from 8 p.m. on. These days, I can’t even handle wearing synthetic fabrics because they’re too clingy.
It’s not just the touching, though. It’s the talking, too, and the constant interruption that has precluded me from finishing one New York Times article, let alone the whole paper, for going on six years. Sometimes I just want to read about the tragedies happening around the world while drinking a cup of coffee that hasn’t been microwaved five times. And that’s why I always tell my husband to forgo the jewelry, flowers, or other fancy gifts, and just book me into the closest hotel for a glorious 24 hours away from all of my loved ones.
Experience has taught me that I have valid reasons for taking a yearly sabbatical from motherhood, and not a single one of them is because I’m a selfish narcissist, thank you very much.

After just 24 hours alone, I feel recharged.

Having the opportunity to think only about my own needs for one day makes me better able to handle the non-stop demands of my family when I return. My daily meditation practice assists me in staying patient and present most of the time, but sometimes even mindfulness and ohms are powerless to combat the frustration of never being able to pee without an audience.

If you don’t ask for what you want, you’ll get what you don’t want.

Mother’s Day can easily transform from a day that’s about you to a day that’s all about your mother, mother-in-law, grandmother, and stepmother-in-law. My first Mother’s Day, I spent the day attending three separate brunches before the day ended in tears: mine and my son’s. Don’t be a martyr and end up feeling cheated out of your day.

Vacations are good for your health.

Actual scientific research shows that taking a break from your usual routine provides countless benefits, including reducing stress and increasing productivity. Take a break from the full-time job of motherhood, and reap the benefits of your time away.
I know it might not sound festive, especially when you’re caught up in the excitement of new motherhood and think that your baby is the most magical and wonderful thing in the world. But just wait, mama. Wait until you haven’t showered for six days and you can’t remember the last time you ate a meal without simultaneously holding a baby. Sure, your kid may be the “reason for the season,” but I guarantee that you’ll feel a whole lot happier about your choice to breed after a good night’s rest, an overpriced room service meal, and a Netflix binge.
 

Categories
Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Tummy Time: 4 Doctors' Tips For How To Get Through—Even When Baby Hates It

There are few words more likely to make a new parent cringe than tummy time. Sit down with your stroller squad and broach the topic, and the responses will likely range from “He screams the whole time” to “Just make it stop.”
So why the heck do parents do this to their babies? And for that matter, to themselves?
The answer goes back a few decades to 1994, when the American Academy of Pediatrics launched its Back to Sleep campaign. Since re-named the Safe to Sleep campaign, the goal was to reduce SIDS in infants by recommending parents put babies to sleep on their backs rather than their sides or stomachs. The campaign worked. Since the ’90s, SIDS deaths have been cut in half, and at least three quarters of parents put their babies to bed on their backs at night.
Baby Sleeping In Blanket
But while it’s saved babies’ lives, the campaign poses two problems for new parents, says pediatrician Lisa Lewis, MD, author of Feed the Baby Hummus, Pediatrician-Backed Secrets from Cultures Around the World.
“Prolonged back positioning may cause the back of the head to flatten,” Lewis explains. Dubbed flat head syndrome or plagiocephaly, the flat spots can be complicated to correct, requiring babies to wear corrective helmets to help the head develop correctly. All that time on the back also means babies aren’t using the muscles in the arms, neck, and shoulders that they typically develop when they spend time belly-down, Lewis adds.
Baby Crawling Next To Dog
When doctors started seeing these issues pop up in their offices again and again, tummy time was born to help stave off flat-head syndrome, help babies work those muscles, and make parents everywhere wonder if all the crying is really worth it.
The short answer? Yes, tummy time is worth it. But you knew we were going to say that, didn’t you? Here’s why the experts beg moms not to throw in the towel…and how you can make tummy time easier on your baby and yourself.

How and When to Start Tummy Time

By name alone, it’s pretty obvious what tummy time entails: spending periods of time encouraging baby to lie on their tummy. But when do you start tummy time? And how long should baby spend in tummy time?
According to Lewis, parents should start tummy time at birth, if possible, and no later than 1 month of age.
“At birth, I recommend starting tummy time with skin-to-skin contact on the chest or by placing baby face down in the lap,” she suggests. “Gradually transition tummy time to a flat surface.”
Happy Baby Laying On Stomach
At first, baby can spend just a few minutes doing tummy time—literally as little as three to five minutes is all it takes, two to three times per day.
Now for the bad news: They may hate it at first, and they may even do some crying and screaming.
“Some babies do hate it because it’s exercise! It takes effort,” explains Danelle Fisher, MD, chair of pediatrics at Providence Saint John’s Health Center in Santa Monica, California. “When babies hate it, I recommend trying it three times a day for 90 seconds.”
Even there, the doctors have good news. As they spend more time on their tummies, most babies get more comfortable and start to enjoy (or at least tolerate) the part of the day they spend on their fronts. That’s in part because the “exercise” gets easier. After all, tummy time is aimed at helping a baby “develop the strength of the neck, upper chest, and upper back,” Fisher says.

Mom Laughing With Small Baby
iStock.com/Ridofranz

“This helps the baby learn to hold up his or her own head,” she explains. The more muscle strength they can develop, the more fun it will become for baby, as they learn to actually hold their head up and begin to build strength to arch their back, allowing them to look around and get a look at the scenery instead of lying stomach down, cheek on the floor.
As baby gets more into it, the length of tummy time should increase, along with the amount of time they spend on their bellies.

Tummy Time (and Place)

You know there might be tears (baby’s and yours). But you also know it’s worth it.
So how do you set yourself up for tummy time that will help baby and maybe lead to them enjoying that time on their belly?
Crying Baby Learning To Crawl
This is one part of raising baby that doesn’t require much of a cost investment. You can practice tummy time just about anywhere and with few supplies. Fisher even did tummy time with her son on his changing table. He hated the floor, but he loved his changing table, so she made it work.
“The most important thing is that tummy time needs to be fully supervised and only when the baby and parent are awake,” says pediatrician Gina Posner, MD of MemorialCare Orange Coast Medical Center in Fountain Valley, California.
Beyond that, there are few “rules” for tummy time aside from Do it! Even the “place” is fairly flexible.

Tummy Time Supplies

As they grow, laying out a thin blanket on the floor or a colorful play mat with some toys to draw their attention can help keep baby safe and encourage them to engage. Fuzzy blankets and items a baby could choke on should be moved out of the way, and Lewis advises parents to position baby so that their mouth and nose can both be seen.
“If you can see the nose and mouth, then you know he is ventilating well,” she explains.

Baby Laying On Stomach Playing With Toys
iStock.com/romrodinka

You’ll also want to grab your phone to set an alarm. Instead of clock-watching to figure out the exact moment tummy time can be over, setting an alarm lets you focus on bonding with baby, whether you’re playing with their hands and feet or encouraging them to smile with some toys.

Tantrum-Free Tummy Time (Yes, it’s possible.)

It’s common sense: If you start playing when baby’s already feeling cranky, they’re going to turn on the scream machine. Think of tummy time the same way.
“Tummy time is easier when the baby is in a content mood,” Lewis points out. “For example, if the baby is getting close to feeding time or sleepy, she might be more likely to get upset when placed on the tummy.”
It’s best to try tummy time after baby’s been fed, burped, and had their diaper changed. This helps a baby transition from feeding to play and then to sleep time, says Lynelle Schneeberg, PsyD, a psychologist and fellow with the American Academy of Sleep Medicine.
Baby Wrapped In Towel During Tummy Time
“This helps a child learn to self-soothe instead of learning a ‘feeding to settle into sleep’ pattern,” Schneeberg explains. The latter pattern often results in fragmented sleep, as a baby who becomes accustomed to falling asleep while eating will need another feeding if they wake up in the middle of the night.  But tummy time helps prevent that cycle.
That said, if a baby has just eaten, lying flat on their belly on the floor can be uncomfortable. Lewis suggest baby be inclined, instead. If they’re on your lap, for example, bring your knees up, so baby’s head is above their waist, easing digestion.

Call in the help.

If you’ve got older kids in the house, tummy time is the perfect opportunity to call them into the room. They can engage their little brother or sister: cooing, chatting, and showing off toys.
No big kids? No problem. Tummy time is also a chance for you to get down on the ground and play with baby, Lewis says.
Or, if your baby is not happy on the floor, even with you nearby, it’s A-okay to scoop them up, lie down on the ground or on your bed, and let baby hang out, belly-down on your belly.

Family Playing Together During Tummy Time
iStock.com/kate_sept2004

“Make eye contact with the little one, use the hands and voice to soothe if there’s any discontent,” she suggests. Stripping baby down to their diaper and removing your shirt so baby can lie skin-to-skin can help them feel calmer, making the experience more pleasant.
“Skin-to-skin contact is soothing for both parent and baby,” Lewis says. “[It] might be so relaxing that the baby doesn’t work too much, but it still counts as tummy time!”

The End of Tummy Time

Whether baby loves or hates tummy time, this is one stage of baby raising that’s relatively short lived.
“Once the baby is rolling both ways, they will be able to go from tummy to back and back to tummy, so at that point, no more tummy time is needed,” Posner explains.
By 6 months old, most babies have developed their muscles enough to graduate from tummy time. Ironically, at this point they’ll actually be able to roll onto their bellies themselves during playtime, essentially doing their own version of tummy time!

Categories
More Than Mom Motherhood

Weaning 101: Everything You Need To Know Before You Stop Breastfeeding

The first time we tried breastfeeding—when my kid was only minutes old—he chomped down on my boob like he’d been doing it for months. A few hours later, the lactation consultant proclaimed that he was the best nurser she’d ever seen in labor and delivery.
Literally hours after the LC lavished this praise upon us, things unraveled in the breastfeeding department. After only a couple minutes of nursing, my son would fall fast asleep, and none of the tricks they teach you to wake them up—like tickling their feet—worked. My child snoozed right through every nursing attempt.
From then on, nursing was a struggle. I tried everything. I took fenugreek tablets. I ate oatmeal. I pumped every two hours like clockwork no matter when I nursed. And still, breastfeeding was hard. My baby was in the bottom 10th percentile for weight at his 2-month check-up, which made me cry. And then I cried again when he got his shots (it was a hard day).
I started supplementing with formula after that appointment. Like magic, my kid started guzzling down bottles and putting on weight. When my period came back at five months postpartum, my already lagging milk supply plummeted. I decided to go ahead and stop breastfeeding my son even though I had really wanted to breastfeed until he was much, much older.
We’ve all heard “Breast is best,” but sometimes medical conditions, early breastfeeding mistakes, stress, and other factors can make breastfeeding a huge burden rather than the joyful bonding experience it’s meant to be. And even if you didn’t experience any issues but you’re just ready to stop breastfeeding, that’s okay too!
If you’re ready to stop breastfeeding, welcome to the judgment-free zone. This weaning guide is full of nothing but positive information and helpful tips to stop breastfeeding, so that baby and mom can get on with living their best lives with as little stress as possible.
Ready to take back your boobs? Here’s everything you need to know to stop breastfeeding.

Stop breastfeeding…and stop feeling guilty!

One of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make was to stop breastfeeding. I felt bombarded with judgment: from other breastfeeding moms, from my pediatrician, and worst of all, from myself.
Now, three months later, I still feel guilty about stopping breastfeeding “early,” even though my kid is happy and healthy.
“The whole ‘Breast is best’ saying takes this [feeling of guilt] to a whole other level where moms can start to feel like it’s all or nothing, thinking that they need to breastfeed exclusively and perfectly for the whole first year (and beyond if they so choose) or else they are a bad mom and their child is doomed,” says Heidi McBain, a licensed therapist in Flower Mound, Texas, who specializes in women’s issues.
She says, “This mentality doesn’t leave room for moms who may need to stop breastfeeding before they are ready because of an illness or work or a myriad of other issues, or simply because they don’t like breastfeeding and are ready to stop for personal reasons.”
So what can you do to leave the guilt behind when you decide to stop breastfeeding?
There are several things you can do to protect your own mental health when you decide to stop breastfeeding, McBain tells HealthyWay.
“Surround yourself with supportive, positive people, especially other mothers who have been in your shoes,” says McBain. “Also, let yourself feel how you are feeling and don’t just stuff these feelings down because they are hard and uncomfortable.”
For me, that was one of the hardest parts of weaning, especially because we stopped breastfeeding sooner than we expected to. I only knew other moms who seemed to be breezing along in the breastfeeding department, and it made me feel like a total failure. But several weeks later, a friend reached out to me because she was also struggling to breastfeed, and it felt wonderful to finally know someone else understood what I was going through.
One of the most important things you can do when you’re trying to stop breastfeeding is take time each day for your own self-care. Lately, before my kid wakes up, I’ve been doing a 15-minute morning routine of dry brushing and a short yoga flow to center myself and get ready for the day. It’s a small act of self-care, and it really does set the tone for the rest of the day.
Sometimes though, self-care isn’t enough to get you through rough patches as a new mom. If you’re struggling with feelings of guilt, grief, or hopelessness during weaning, know that you’re not alone.
“Postpartum mood disorders—depression, anxiety, OCD, et cetera—are more common than most people realize, so any time mom is just not feeling like herself and feels like something is off or just isn’t right—depressed mood, excessive worry, intrusive thoughts, et cetera—she needs to reach out for support as soon as possible, starting with her doctor or a maternal mental health specialist,” says McBain.
Together, you and your healthcare provider can work to address the underlying issues that may be affecting your mental health as you try to stop breastfeeding.
Because you know what’s really best? A happy, healthy mom.

A Guilt-Free Guide to Stop Breastfeeding

I hope you brought your freshly sharpened No. 2 pencils, ladies, because you’ve just entered Weaning 101 (no expensive textbook required).
“Weaning means changing the relationship a mother has with her child,” says Amanda Ogden, RN, BSN, an international board-certified lactation consultant and co-founder and director of lactation services and education at the mama ’hood. “Once the mother has decided the time is right, and really because the work of breastfeeding is solely the mother’s work, the decision to wean is hers to make.” Well, it’s hers to make most of the time.

There are actually two kinds of weaning: mama-led and baby-led weaning.

My decision to stop breastfeeding was definitely mama-led. My little one was only 5 months old, but my milk supply had always been low, and we supplemented with formula early on, so he really didn’t even notice the transition.
But if a baby is exclusively breastfed for a longer period of time, it may be a bit tougher to stop breastfeeding if baby hasn’t given cues that he’s ready. Still, it can be done, and baby will be just fine if mom has to stop breastfeeding before age 1.
“If a mother is leading the weaning, she should do this slowly and replace nursing sessions with a bottle feeding or cup feeding if baby is older,” says DeeDee Frank, a certified lactation consultant at Mercy Medical Center in Baltimore, Maryland. “A slower approach actually helps the mother and baby slowly adjust to the decrease nursing sessions.”
Mama-led weaning, if done slowly, can be a gentle way to decrease your milk supply, meaning less engorgement for you and more time to adjust to weaning for baby.
Before you stop breastfeeding, Ogden suggests you take a few minutes to answer these questions (see, I told you the pencil would come in handy!):

  • Will weaning make your life harder or easier?
  • Do you feel sad when you think about stopping breastfeeding?
  • Is your child showing signs that he/she is ready to stop breastfeeding?

If you can answer these questions in a way that makes you feel good about your decision to stop breastfeeding, then you should go ahead and begin the weaning process.
Baby-led weaning, on the other hand, is exactly what it sounds like. If you have an older baby, this may be an ideal way to stop breastfeeding. As baby gets older, he or she may be less interested in the breast and more interested in yummy solids or drinking from a big-kid cup. (If your little one isn’t quite a year old yet, see our tips below for weaning safely before 1.)
If you’re totally over it but your baby still loves to nurse, try night weaning to gently encourage your little one to stop breastfeeding on their own. Skipping those nighttime feedings may result in a couple of sleepless nights as baby adjusts, but pretty soon he’ll be sleeping soundly through the night and may begin to show less interest in nursing during the daytime as a result.

Stop breastfeeding gradually.

The key to successful weaning is a gradual reduction of breastfeeding, says Ogden.
“If there is a situation where a mother must wean abruptly for medical reasons, then she should continue to pump or hand express enough to keep her breasts comfortable but not enough to empty the breasts. …It is easiest on the mother’s body and mood to slowly decrease the number of times per day she is breastfeeding. Weaning too rapidly can cause a rapid shift in the hormones prolactin and oxytocin, which can lead to depression.”
Start the weaning process by only nursing when your baby or toddler initiates breastfeeding. If you breastfeed for comfort during nap or bedtime, or when baby is just fussy, try using other comfort methods to soothe your fussy tot.
“When I weaned my boys, I missed my instant soother too, and I had to find new ways to soothe them,” says Nicole Johnson, founder of The Baby Sleep Site. “Cuddling and reading on the couch (we started reading at 4 months old), hugs, kisses, laying down in the bed while not nursing, and lots of touch can help. …By retraining our own behavior, we can change expectations, so nursing isn’t the only thing your baby looks to you for!”

Routine is key when you stop breastfeeding.

Once you figure out what comfort measures work in place of breastfeeding, use those as part of a regular routine so that your child understands nursing is no longer an option.
This can be especially hard when baby wakes up in the middle of the night expecting his 3 a.m. feeding (see night weaning, above). But there is good news! For starters, breastfeeding is something only mama can do. But now that you’re weaning, if there’s another caregiver in the picture, they can get in on the middle-of-the-night soothing action too (and you might be able to catch up on some much needed ZZZs).
If you’re comfortable with co-sleeping, you might also decide to snuggle baby in bed with you when he wakes for a nighttime feeding. The safety baby feels while lying close to you may be enough to soothe him back to sleep. However, if you’re not comfortable with bedsharing, there are other comfort measures you can try to get baby back to sleep.
“We also recommend using a replacement object, also known as a lovey, which could help soothe baby back to sleep,” says Johnson.
A lovey could be anything: a soft square of blanket, one of mom’s old shirts, or a small stuffed toy. Just make sure it’s something you can replace easily. Lovies are notoriously easy to lose, and heaven help the parent who can’t find it at bedtime!
There are different ways to introduce a lovey, but basically your baby will begin to associate bedtime with the lovey instead of nursing and use the lovey to self-soothe when they wake. Lovies can also be wonderful during stressful situations, like baby’s first flying experience or long car trips.
Whatever you decide to do, make sure it’s part of a regular routine so that baby comes to expect the new routine rather than a nursing session when you stop breastfeeding.

Avoid engorged breasts when you stop breastfeeding.

Remember when your milk came in, and like the Grinch’s heart, your breasts also grew three sizes that day?
That was engorgement. Your breasts were probably really swollen, hard, and downright painful. And in those first days, you probably only felt sweet relief when baby nursed.
When you stop breastfeeding, you can expect your breasts to engorge again because, just like your baby is waiting to nurse, your breasts expect to be emptied at the same times each day.
To minimize engorgement, wean slowly. You may still need to pump a bit even if you’re not nursing, but only pump to relieve the pressure, not to drain the breast as you would during a normal nursing or pumping session.
If your breasts do become engorged when you stop breastfeeding, there are a few remedies out there that can help suffering mamas.
If you’re into natural remedies, stuffing cold cabbage leaves into your bra really does help with engorgement. Plus, you’ll have a healthy snack for later!
When my breasts became engorged, I used Lansinoh Thera°Pearl 3-in-1 Breast pads, and they were a lifesaver! I loved that you could just pop them in the freezer, and they really helped with the soreness.

Successfully switch to formula when you stop breastfeeding before age 1.

It seems like there are about a thousand different kinds of formula out there, so it can be overwhelming to try to find the formula that’s right for your baby if you stop breastfeeding before age 1.
It’s also extremely important to note that before age 1, baby should only be drinking formula or breast milk, not cow’s milk. If baby is less than a year old, formula or breast milk is the only nutrition baby really needs, even after they start solids, typically around 6 months old (hence the phrase “Food before one is just for fun”).
Successfully transitioning your baby to formula may take a bit of trial and error as you see which formula your baby prefers. For example, my baby only likes the powdered kind of of his favorite formula. We tried the ready-to-drink kind of the same exact formula, and he would not have it. Sigh. Such are the whims of a 6-month-old.
As you experiment, try mixing formula with a bit of breast milk so your baby isn’t totally shocked by the new taste and texture. Gradually reduce the amount of breast milk until your baby is only drinking formula.
Spoiler alert: Formula ain’t cheap. If the sticker shock of buying large amounts of formula each week makes you want to weep, take to social media and ask friends to send you their free samples [linkbuilder id=”4268″ text=”and formula”] coupons.

Can I nurse my baby again if I stop breastfeeding?

“If a mom changes her mind and wants to go back to breastfeeding, it will depend on how long she has been dropping breastfeeding sessions and the age of the baby whether she can recover her milk supply and the baby will want to nurse,” says Franke. “It is possible to return to breastfeeding, but it may take some work, especially if mom has also dropped her milk supply.”
A return to breastfeeding will depend on a couple of factors: How long has it been since baby weaned? Does baby even seem interested in breastfeeding?
According to an article by Anne Smith, international board-certified lactation consultant, re-lactation is easiest with a baby younger than 3 months old. Older babies may enjoy drinking from a bottle or cup and may be unwilling to return to the breast. Still, in most cases, re-lactation can be accomplished with the help of a certified lactation consultant. If you’re interested in breastfeeding again after weaning, contact your local La Leche League chapter for guidance from certified lactation consultants and moms who have been there.
Okay, mamas, put those pencils away. Weaning 101 has concluded, and there’s no test. You all passed with flying colors. So go on, moms, take back your boobs (and don’t feel guilty about it, either). Because we all deserve bite-mark free breasts, nipples that aren’t chafed, and to stop breastfeeding guilt-free—if that’s our choice.
[related article_ids=22015,22144,1001371,1005474]

Categories
Mom x Body Motherhood

This Fitness Studio Prepares Women For Life’s Ultimate Physical Challenge: Motherhood

Opinions on women’s bodies and staying in shape are a dime a dozen. But when it comes to preparing your body for pregnancy (and beyond), many moms-to-be face information overload. What’s actually the right way to get ready for all of the physical (and emotional) demands of having a baby?
Enter PROnatal Fitness, a New York company that trains women for the event of their lives: motherhood. It offers prenatal and postpartum classes along with mom-focused personal training and core rehabilitation.
Founder Brittany Citron designed the fitness regimen to address the specific needs of women’s bodies during pregnancy, labor, and early motherhood. You won’t find talk about dropping the baby weight in this studio. Instead, trainers emphasize staying strong and feeling your best during nine months of changes, preparing for labor, recovering safely, and adapting to the 24/7 physical and emotional demands of caring for a baby. They also help women build support networks with other moms.
To learn more about PROnatal’s mom-positive approach to staying fit, HealthyWay sat down with Citron to ask her about the right way to work out when pregnant, building the core strength you’ll need for labor, and finding the energy to exercise—even after sleepless nights with your newborn.
HealthyWay
HealthyWay: What first interested you about fitness for moms?
Citron: I was actually in the corporate world for over 11 years, and I was always into fitness but never thought of it as a career. Everything really changed during my first pregnancy. I had a difficult time getting pregnant—it took me two and a half years. I wanted to do everything right to give this child a great start at life, and I knew exercise was really important for that.
I wanted to learn not just what I should avoid doing, but what I should be doing. But I couldn’t get a clear answer. Every fitness professional told me something different, and my doctor wasn’t helpful at all. So I began researching and getting interested in learning about the stresses my body was going through and figuring out how to prepare myself for that. I created a training system, had a very easy labor, pushed my son out in 10 minutes, and had a relatively easy recovery.
But my experience was very different from what happened to friends of mine, who were also pregnant at the time. We all made different choices. My friend who “played it safe” and didn’t do any exercise ended up with a horrible delivery, while another friend pushed herself to do everything and she had a bunch of complications. Here’s a group of women who are motivated to do what’s best, yet we all suffered from a lack of resources. For a mom, that’s disempowering.
So that’s when you opened PROnatal Fitness?
Yes. Any woman that has the desire to be fit and healthy for herself and her child should have the right resources to do that—that became our mission.
I brought in people from the fitness industry and built a team. We offer our own personal training and classes. We’re also focusing on educating other fitness pros so we can make a bigger impact for women everywhere. We prepare women for pregnancy, labor, and early motherhood like you would prepare for an athletic event. There’s no greater physical challenge than childbirth—it’s the most physically and mentally challenging event of our lives. We prepare women specifically to meet those demands.
Tell us about the mom fitness classes. How are they designed to help women on their journeys to becoming moms?
The prenatal and postpartum classes have a similar format. We teach rehabilitative techniques that will help you rebuild your core after childbirth, which can help speed up recovery. Both classes alternate between three sections of cardio and strength, focusing first on the lower body, then the upper body, and finally the glutes and core.
The main differences are that prenatal classes are indoors and set to music. Postpartum classes are done outdoors with a stroller. In the last section of the postpartum class, the babies go out on the grass and play.
Women like that the classes are full-body workouts, and they’re constantly working and moving for an hour. There’s also a gentle stretch and release at the end.
Can these kinds of workouts help reduce pain during labor? How?
Our classes use intervals that mimic the contractions of delivery. When you’re having contractions, that’s essentially nature’s interval training of work to rest to work to rest. We teach women how to go through periods of intense work and immediately quiet their bodies to go into recovery. We also practice birthing and labor positions.
Deep squatting can be a labor position. We train women to mentally focus on diaphragmatic breathing—not on the physical pain or discomfort. It’s kind of like HIIT (high-intensity interval training), but we call it LIIT (labor-intensive interval training).  
Pregnancy is as much an emotional experience as it is physical. Does your studio offer any techniques to help women mentally prepare?  
There’s no blanket way to deal with the psychological piece, since no two women experience pregnancy the same way. In general, one of the things we help women learn during pregnancy is that having a plan is good, but you need to be adaptable. You can do everything by the book for nine months only to find that the baby’s not positioned the right way and your birth plan’s out the window—that can make you feel like a failure. The ability to mentally shift and go with it is success.
After the baby comes, it’s all about the baby. But our classes focus on the mom—she’s our priority. She may have completely lost her sense of self and feel like her body’s a slave to the child. We want women to know that they’re important—that’s what our postpartum classes focus on. It needs to be an experience that mothers really enjoy and feel like they’re doing for themselves.
The stroller workouts also foster a sense of community, and the importance of that can’t be underestimated during the postpartum period. Moms find that it becomes a great support network for them.
Why are you passionate about helping women prepare their bodies for motherhood?
There are so many reasons. During the nine months leading up to motherhood, your body goes through massive changes. Women who don’t prepare appropriately can get injured and end up in a lot of pain. Pregnancy then becomes something you don’t enjoy but something to endure. I want to help women prepare for this incredibly challenging event so they can enjoy it as much as possible.
The other piece of it is from the baby’s perspective. Research shows that exercising during pregnancy and in the early stages of motherhood offers immense health benefits to the baby from birth, extending into childhood, and even the adult years. There are benefits to the heart, brain, and weight for both mom and baby.
What’s the most important thing moms-to-be should focus on when exercising?
The biggest thing is building deep core strength. A lot of women think we shouldn’t work our abs during pregnancy, but core work is the most important thing you can do.
You should also focus on strength training. Women are often told they should decrease their resistance levels as their pregnancy progresses. But if you take that approach, you’re at your weakest when you’re at the end of your pregnancy and carrying around 30 to 40 pounds of extra weight. We actually push them to increase their resistance levels to help them build strength. They’ll need it to carry around their extra load and maneuver through life.
How does exercise change when you’re expecting?
It’s different for everyone. In the beginning, you might be doing the same routine for a while. But as you go through pregnancy, there will be some things you need to taper down. You’ll probably have to cut back on high-impact moves, like running, jumping, and deep lunging. By the third trimester, you’ll naturally reduce the intensity of a lot of your activities to balance out the extra weight you’re already lifting all the time. The belly will have lots of pressure on it, so you won’t be doing sit-ups.
But it’s not only about avoiding, it’s also about what you should start to do when you’re pregnant. One of the things we focus on in the prenatal class is functional training for the typical activities of motherhood. We practice moves like the crib reach and the bath-time kneel. How many times a day is she going to be on the ground changing a diaper and need to get up, carrying her child without using her hands? We practice proper hinging to help keep the body safe when lifting the baby. We teach how to maintain a neutral spine. Preparing for this during pregnancy will help you get ready for the demands of having a newborn.
How should pregnant women prepare for exercise?
Just do it! A lot of women who may not have exercised before feel like pregnancy is not the time to start, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. There are so many benefits to doing it, and it doesn’t matter when you start—as long as you start! Some women walk into our classes and they’re embarrassed that they have never exercised before. I congratulate them for taking the first step.
How soon should women plan to get back into their exercise routines after childbirth?
You can’t begin an exercise routine until you’re officially cleared by your doctor. Normally this happens 4 to 6 weeks after a vaginal delivery or 6 to 8 weeks after a C-section, but it really depends on the doctor and the woman’s experience. You need to give your body time to heal. And when you finally are cleared, it doesn’t mean it’s okay to go back to Barry’s Bootcamp now. Your body has been through so much trauma, and you need to be patient or you’ll end up injured. It’s a slow and gradual return.
Taking care of a newborn is exhausting. Got any tips for new moms on finding the time, energy, and motivation to take care of their own bodies, even when they’re worn out?
You have to be patient during the first several weeks. But if you can make a little time for yourself, you’ll feel the difference in your mind, body, and ability to care for your little one. You don’t have to start hitting the gym every day, but can you take your baby out for a walk in the stroller? Just set little goals, and try to increase your activity as time goes on. Do something without the baby every once in a while as well. It’s good for your own mental health. Make it something you enjoy. If it’s something you look forward to, you’ll prioritize it because it feels good.
If you could share once piece of advice for new moms, what would it be?
Well, I really have two big things to say about this. First, remember not to lose your sense of self. When you become a mom, it’s easy for everything to become all about the baby. Exercise and doing something for you isn’t selfish. You’ll be a healthier, stronger, better mother when you take care of yourself. It’s an exciting time to redefine yourself, so once you get over the sleep deprivation and craziness of the first 12 weeks, remember not to let go of yourself.
Equally important is finding a community you can use as a support network—but never comparing yourself to people in that community. A lot of times in mom groups and on social media it becomes a big game of comparison about who lost the baby weight fastest and whose baby is sleeping through the night. But the reality is that no woman has figured it out, no matter what it looks like on Instagram and Facebook. Every mom struggles. It’s a roller coaster, so make sure you enjoy the ride and have a good support network to rely on when things are difficult.

Categories
Mindful Parenting Motherhood

The Baby Sleep Guide Every Mom Needs To Read

It’s the bane of every new mom’s existence: sleep. Or, more accurately, the lack thereof. A major lack thereof in some cases, for months (or even years).
Second to the pain of not sleeping? Getting 1,000 mixed messages about how to deal with your baby not sleeping. Should I let him cry it out? (Or is that too traumatic?) Should I rock her until she’s asleep? (Or is that creating a bad habit?) Should I sit in the room? Should I leave him alone to learn to self-soothe?

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When some people hear baby sleep training, they immediately think of the Cry It Out Method. But the truth is, there are as many approaches to baby sleep training as there are babies, and that amount of choice can be incredibly overwhelming, especially when you are so, well, sleep deprived. The most important thing to keep in mind? It is possible to do what’s best for your baby and for your family. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad or guilty for the choices you make.

How does sleep deprivation affect you?

Not sleeping is no joke—any new parent can tell you how utterly debilitating it is. It impacts every single part of your life. It robs you of your ability to think clearly and to remember things. It weakens your immune system and your reflexes, making you more accident prone. It increases your risk of diabetes and heart attacks and lowers your sex drive. It can also cause depression and anxiety. Lack of sleep can even contribute to the complex recipe for postpartum depression.

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In other words, everything is harder when you’re not sleeping.
But the sleep deprivation of early motherhood will end one day. Eventually, your little one will sleep through the night. Your new normal might be a 6 a.m. wake up, but that will seem like heaven after being up every hour all night long!

Why is getting baby on a sleep schedule good for mom and dad?

You still matter! That’s the short answer.
The longer answer is this: We all need time to refuel, and this is virtually impossible when there is zero time set aside for you.
“Having a baby on a schedule”—more on that below—“allows parents to have a life,” explains Kiri Gurd, PhD, MSC, sleep consultant at Baby Sleep Science, a sleep resource center that offers private consultations, educational materials, and a sleep app. “If your baby only naps in the stroller or the car, you’re not using that time to recuperate, sleep, or do an activity that feeds you.” Likewise, if you’re spending four hours a night struggling to get your baby to sleep, you have no time for adult activities—like couple’s time or going out with friends.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Taking a more systemic approach to sleep—thinking of it as one would nutrition—is helpful. You wouldn’t deny yourself food! It’s so important for the health of the family.”
—Kiri Gurd, PhD[/pullquote]
If you feel guilty, know this: “Sleep is as important to babies as food,” explains Gurd. “And more research shows that lack of sleep is an indicator for disease, anxiety, and depression in mothers.” She encourages moms to think about what exactly they’re feeling guilty about—the fact that the baby is crying? That she’s taking a shower when she should be gazing at the baby? There are lots of different stressors, she explains, including mom being depressed.

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She says, “Taking a more systemic approach to sleep—thinking of it as one would nutrition—is helpful. You wouldn’t deny yourself food! It’s so important for the health of the family.”
Still, Gurd understands that moms have guilt about doing anything for themselves, but argues that they do not need to justify it. “If you need a rationale, I’d say it makes you a better mom. Having free time is not a luxury; it’s a requirement.”

Learning to sleep is a skill.

“Sleep training options are generally perpetuated in a binary way,” Gurd explains. And the rhetoric around that binary often deals in great extremes: “Either you do cry it out and your baby will cry forever, or you’ll co-sleep until they’re 9.” In reality though, your options for teaching your little one to sleep are much more varied—and don’t mean crying forever or bedsharing until middle school.
Gurd and the team at Baby Sleep Science don’t espouse conforming to one method. They lead by what is developmentally fair for the child, based on the science of sleep. “Sleep is so particular to each family,” she explains. “If you don’t feel comfortable with the method you’re using, you won’t be consistent, so it won’t work.”

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She explains that some discomfort—as well as mom guilt—is often alleviated if families understand the science of sleep and the baby’s brain development, but the bottom line is this: We can teach kids to sleep, and we should.
Here’s why: We help our kids learn a number of skills in their lives—to eat, sit, stand, walk, read, write. “When they learn to ride a bike, we don’t just give them a bike and say, ‘Good luck!’” Gurd says. “Or, conversely, if they fall off the first time they try, we don’t say, ‘You clearly can’t do this.’”
“Learning to sleep is like learning any new skill,” she explains. “It’s both psychological and physiological. To learn to [linkbuilder id=”6639″ text=”fall asleep”] on our own requires that the body learns a series of steps that move us into a more relaxed state.” That’s the physiological piece. Psychologically, a baby needs to understand, for example, that she’s safe in her crib.
[pullquote align=”center”]“You’re teaching them a healthy habit. They are sad and confused and you’re going to help them through it, like you will with a million things in their life.”
—Kiri Gurd, PhD[/pullquote]
And yes, oftentimes there’s resistance to sleep training, which usually means the baby cries. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. “Our discomfort is with the emotions,” Gurd says. “But if you’re doing a method you believe in, that’s biologically sound at an appropriate age, you’re teaching them a healthy habit. They are sad and confused and you’re going to help them through it, like you will with a million things in their life.”
Jane Rosen, PsyD, MA, PhD, and director of a preschool in Los Angeles, concurs. “When parents start to sleep train, it’s often the first time they’re setting a limit, which is hard,” she says. “It’s the beginning of parenting in a much different way.”

How do I know my baby is ready to sleep train?

“The first thing to guide sleep training is the developmental age of child,” Gurd explains. “We can’t do it at 4 or 5 weeks—the child doesn’t have the neurological capacity.” Generally speaking, babies experience a cognitive surge around 4 months, Rosen says. Most parents experience this as the dreaded four-month sleep regression, when all hell breaks loose and whatever schedule you’ve established falls apart.

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Many sleep consultants begin sleep training at this point because babies are developmentally capable of self-soothing—and they are finally sleeping in sleep cycles. The American Academy of Pediatrics’ Healthy Children website notes that babies do not have regular sleep cycles until they’re about 6 months old, so some professionals recommend waiting a bit longer to start working on some form of sleep training.
In other words, when your baby starts waking up during what had formerly been a long stretch of sleep at night—whether it was 4 or 8 hours—it’s time to start teaching him to sleep.

But I’m scared to sleep train! What if she doesn’t stop crying?

It’s normal to feel nervous about sleep training. It is almost impossible to expect your child not to cry when you suddenly start, say, putting her down at 7 p.m. and leaving the room rather than rocking her for hours upon hours.
[pullquote align=”center”]“The baby had you sleep trained, and now you’re changing it up. That’s not harmful.”
—Jane Rosen, PsyD, PhD[/pullquote]
That said, “every change is accompanied by crying,” Rosen says. “The baby is fussing and saying, ‘I don’t like this.’ The baby had you sleep trained, and now you’re changing it up. That’s not harmful.”
Given that there will be crying or screaming for a few consecutive nights, “you need to be at point where this is worth it,” Gurd says. “If you’re so tired already, it makes the process harder because you’re already feeling really messed up.”

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She suggests starting sleep training before you’re completely out of your mind with sleeplessness. “Once you see that stretch of sleep go awry at 4 months, that’s a good point to start [laying the foundation].” At 6 months old, a baby can be trained to sleep through the night (but not so at 4 months when they’re still not developmentally ready).

How much should my baby be sleeping?

According to experts at Baby Sleep Science, the following amounts of sleep are developmentally appropriate for baby:

Newborn to 4 months

A newborn doesn’t have a schedule yet, so your main goal is to just surrender to her “schedule.” Let her eat, sleep, and play on demand. The key thing is to not let the baby get overtired or keep her up too long.
Naps: 4 to 5 naps, on demand
Total Sleep: 15 to 16 hours within a 24-hour period (unfortunately not all at once!)

4 to 6 months

A schedule is revealing itself! Hooray! Baby shouldn’t be up for longer than 2 to 2½ hours between naps. During this time, you should try to have the baby sleep in the same place for naps and bedtime, says Rosen. No more moving the baby around wherever you go.
Naps: 3 naps, with the third being the shortest
Total Day Sleep: 3 to 4½ hours
Total Night Sleep: 10 to 12 hours

6 to 9 months

Baby’s schedule should be becoming more set in stone. During this phase, baby usually drops one nap, moving from 3 to 2 naps a day.
Naps: 2 naps
Total Day Sleep: 3 to 4 hours
Total Night Sleep: 10½ to 12 hours

9 to 15 months

Most babies sleep through the night at this point. They usually drop one of their two naps around 12 months, taking just one nap a day through toddlerhood.
Naps:1 nap
Total Day Sleep: 3+ hours up to 12 months,  then down to 2 to 2½ hours after their first birthday
Total Night Sleep: 10½ to 12 hours

Tips for Getting Your Baby to Sleep

Create sleep cues.

Five of them, to be exact, according to Gurd. Sleep cues are actions that are repeated every night, exactly the same way. They become cues that teaching your baby she’s about to go to sleep. These happen after bath time and pajamas. An example would be:

  1. Dim the lights in the bedroom.
  2. Put the baby in a sleep sack.
  3. Read a book.
  4. Sing a song.
  5. Put the sound machine on.

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Note that these should only take 15 minutes in total—any longer than this and the baby won’t associate them with sleep. This applies for slightly older kids, too, but again, keep it short because a 2-year-old will just assume you’re onto another fun activity and not register that these actions are connected to sleep if they take too long.

Don’t vary bedtime—or wake time.

Performing the same rituals is important, but so is sticking to the clock. “Keep bedtime and wake time within a 30-minute window,” says Gurd. Obviously things will come up, but just like adults, babies sleep better when they do it around the same time every night.
Rosen recommends that kids up to age 5 go to sleep as close to 7 p.m. as possible. Once you start pushing the cortisol levels by keeping them up later, all hell breaks loose. In other words, your fantasy that keeping your baby up late will make her sleep in? That’ll backfire.

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That said, Gurd and the folks at Baby Sleep Science believe that while being overtired (as well as under-tired!) can make it more difficult for a child to fall asleep and stay asleep during the first part of the night, as long as their schedule is age appropriate, there is no “right” bed time—early or late. Bed times, they say, can vary from family to family—just not night to night!—depending on what works best for baby’s family and their lives. As Gurd says, “I have a family putting their 1-year-old to bed at 10 p.m. and waking at 9 a.m., and that’s totally healthy.”

Be realistic about your expectations.

Understanding how much a baby should sleep at any given phase of development will go a long way toward setting realistic expectations. A lot of baby sleep sites will tell you that sleep begets sleep.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Sleep begets sleep up until the limit of your sleep.”
—Kiri Gurd, PhD[/pullquote]
This is true on some level, “but there’s only a certain amount of sleep any person can do in a 24-hour period!” says Gurd. “Sleep begets sleep up until the limit of your sleep.”
When you’re looking at averages—i.e., a 12- to 18-month-old will sleep between two and three hours during the day—consider that this is a big spread in terms of age and hours of sleep. So within this six-month age range, the 12-month-old will nap longer and more often than the 18-month-old.

Create the right sleep environment.

Babies are a lot like us: They need a peaceful environment in which to rest. In fact, research shows that we all sleep best in a room that is dark, cool, and quiet. This means a few things:

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  • Don’t overdress the baby. If she’s too hot, she won’t sleep well. (It’s also associated with SIDS.) Make sure she’s sufficiently covered, but know that a cool nose or fingers are fine. If baby seems flushed or is sweating, she’s overdressed.
  • Make the room dark. Really. This is what blackout curtains are for! You can use small nightlights, but keep them far from the child and opt for orange hues.
  • Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Yes, it would be ideal if your little one could sleep anywhere, but after about 4 months old, this is not ideal. You want your child to rest in a peaceful, calm room and learn that sleep is a sacred act that happens in one place. If the room isn’t quiet (city dwellers will probably hear noise from the street), consider using a noise machine with a constant sound (rainfall or waves), and keep it on all night, not just for the time when baby is drifting off to sleep. This will help him go back to sleep if he’s suddenly woken. Remember, too, that from 4 months on, babies have a tremendous fear of missing out. They used to cry because they were wet or hungry—now they cry because they want company and fear not being invited to the party. FOMO: It starts early.

Be consistent.

Babies, like adults, thrive on consistency. Once you establish a sleep routine, stick with it. Babies will be confused if they’re being rocked to sleep one night and left to cry it out the next. Older children will try to slip through whatever loophole you leave. (“But Mommy! You rubbed my back last night! I can’t fall asleep without it now!”)

Use a transitional object.

A blankie (for an older baby), a bear, whatever—preferably something that smells like mommy or daddy—should be incorporated into baby’s nighttime routine. It helps them not feel quite so alone and helps them associate an object with restful slumber.

And most importantly, follow this piece of advice.

“If I could give one gift to a new mom, it would be this: Don’t worry about bad habits,” says Gurd.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Keep your baby safe, help him sleep. Just enjoy your baby.”
—Kiri Gurd, PhD[/pullquote]

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“Keep your baby safe, help him sleep. Just enjoy your baby. I wish them less anxiety about it all.” She adds that this culture of shaming moms for creating “bad habits” is detrimental to mothers.
“Newborn babies want to be held to sleep—and that’s not the end of world!”

Categories
Mindful Parenting Motherhood

What To Do When Cluster Feeding Feels Like It Will Never End

Cluster feeding is one of those baby stages that can feel like it will never end: Baby cries. You get up and feed them. You lie down. Baby cries. You get up and feed them. You lie down. Baby cries. You can see where this is going.
Most breastfed babies will go through a period when they seem to want to do nothing more than eat, eat, eat, and then eat some more. Called cluster feeding by doctors, these periods can feel like your baby is turning you (and your breasts) into a human pacifier as nothing—and we mean nothing—but a mouth full of breast will quiet their screams.
So what’s going on with your fussy baby? Will a cluster feeding newborn continue to be a cluster feeding infant and later turn into a cluster feeding toddler? Is there a way to stop this insanity?
We asked the experts to help make sense of why your baby has turned hangry and what to do about it.

What is cluster feeding, anyway?

First, a little good news: Cluster feeding is normal in babies.
Pause for sigh of relief.
Okay, now let’s dig in.
Babies go through phases where their eating patterns change, but just because they’re eating more does not mean they’re cluster feeding. To be considered true cluster feeding, a baby needs to be demanding to eat almost constantly in a very short amount of time.
Exact numbers will vary from baby to baby, but if your baby’s demanded to eat two to four times in a row over a three-hour span, it’s safe to say you’ve got a bout of cluster feeding on your hands, says Leigh Anne O’Connor, an international board-certified lactation consultant based in New York City. You might want to grab some water and load a few good binge-worthy shows into your Netflix queue.
This could go on for a while…literally.
It’s normal for cluster feeding to last anywhere from two to five days, O’Connor says, although you should get some breaks along the way. Just as the name implies, cluster feeds tend to happen in clusters, meaning baby will eat, eat, eat for a chunk of time and then lay off. It may even be limited to one portion of the day.
“When breastfeeding is going well and the baby is growing, it is normal for babies to cluster feed in the evening,” O’Connor says. There are a few reasons for this phenomenon.
“As the day goes on, the volume of milk is less than in the early part of the day,” O’Connor explains. Because the first milk a baby drinks early in the day is watery, it’s good for hydration. But if baby doesn’t eat a lot, that first milk, called foremilk, stays in the breast and builds up. Each time baby goes to have a meal, if they stick to short and sweet eating times, they’ll continue to get that more watery foremilk.
If a baby cluster feeds, on the other hand, they quickly work their way through the foremilk, O’Connor says, and get to a mother’s hindmilk, which is fattier and helps baby grow.
“Also, in the evening the milk has more melatonin,” O’Connor adds, “so after a cluster feeding in the evening, the baby has a belly full of fatty milk with a natural sleep aid!”
With the changes in breast milk throughout the day, it’s no wonder doctors say cluster feeding is more prevalent in breastfed babies than those who are formula fed. As Cathy M. Coleman, MD, an associate professor of pediatrics in the department of pediatrics at Stony Brook Children’s Hospital on New York’s Long Island puts it, “Formula-fed babies may have appetite changes at various times, but formula is not human milk and takes longer to digest, so feeds are typically spread farther apart in a formula-fed infant.”

Is cluster feeding a problem?

Having a baby who won’t let you put them down for five seconds can be frustrating and even a little alarming, but it’s important to remember that cluster feeding is a normal part of development for newborns. And despite what you might have read in some parenting Facebook group, it isn’t “spoiling” your baby to respond to their cries for food and feed them on demand. Cluster feeding babies really do need to eat.
What’s more, that time you spend meeting your little one’s demands not only helps them grow, but can also help a breastfeeding mom’s body adapt to meet the demands of feeding a growing baby.
How?
Deedee Franke, a registered nurse and international board certified lactation consultant based at Mercy Medical Center in Baltimore, Maryland, says cluster feeding is “a way babies in the early months help mom build a milk supply or how a baby makes up feedings missed after a long stretch of not eating”—particularly after they may have been sleeping for a longer period.
Because a mom’s milk production system is built to respond to a baby’s demands, cluster feeding is one of the ways baby is programmed to trigger mom to make more milk, which they will need as their bodies get bigger and thus require more food.
“If a baby is nursing more and removing more milk, then the mother produces more,” Franke explains.
You’ve heard that babies (and older kids) go through growth spurts?
Cluster feeds are part of helping baby and mom adjust for those growth spurts, Franke explains, which is why they tend to occur several times in the first three months of life.
Cluster feeding can first crop up in the first week after a baby is born, as mom’s milk is coming in and nature does its part to help establish good milk production. From there babies will typically cluster feed around the two or three week mark, then again at around six weeks, and once more at around three months old, Franke says. As they grow and eventually begin eating solid foods in addition to (and eventually instead of) mom’s milk, the need for cluster feeding wanes, and you’re less likely to experience it with older kids.

Muddling Through

Cluster feeding can be exhausting, especially for parents who have to work or take care of older children in addition to feeding a fussy baby at night. So the answer to “How to stop cluster feeding?” may be disappointing.
You don’t.
But before you let the tears flow, there’s some good news to consider.
Forty percent of moms told University of California, Davis, and the Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center researchers that they don’t feel like they produce enough breast milk, and some even turn to a breast pump to stimulate their milk ducts between feedings. But cluster feeding is nature’s way of helping your body keep up. As Franke puts it, “Baby is the best pump,” not to mention baby at the breast is often preferred to the mechanics of a pump, if only because it’s much more pleasant to bond with baby than operate a machine.
What’s more, if you know a baby is cluster feeding, you’re armed with information. Use it. Now is the time to tell others in your household that you really need them to pick up the slack or to call in those favors from friends and family members who offered to lend a hand at your baby shower. They made the offer; don’t leave it hanging.
Coleman says it’s also a good excuse for a mom to take to her bed where she can rest and do nothing but feed herself and baby.
“The milk supply will respond to the demand, resulting in decreased feeding frequency,” Coleman says.
If your nipples are chapped or you’re feeling pain in your arms or back from all that nursing, check with your insurance company to see if a lactation consultant can help you check your latch and find a more comfortable position.
“Some moms need to go back to Latch 101 during a cluster period, as this will help with nipple comfort,” O’Connor says. In other words, go back to the basics of latching baby on your breast, or ask for help making that latch.
“It is easy to get relaxed about positioning baby at breast, but as babies grow they can become acrobats and pull on the nipples,” she notes. “Grounding the baby and making sure the baby is super close should remedy discomfort.”
If your nipples are sore, a balm like coconut oil or other nipple cream designed for breastfeeding moms can help. As for back, arms, and neck pain, changing up your positions might help. For example, a side-lying pose can allow you to rest while baby has access to your breasts.

When to Call Your Pediatrician

Although cluster feeding is a normal part of baby’s development, that doesn’t mean it isn’t alarming or confusing, especially for first-time breastfeeding moms who haven’t been through it before.
Struggling to know if you’re breastfeeding “correctly” or should even keep doing it? Know that you’re not alone. According to the UC Davis and Cincinnati Children’s Hospital researchers, 52 percent of moms worry that their baby is not feeding well at the breast, leading researchers to conclude that moms need more support in their breastfeeding journeys.
If a baby is “nursing constantly for a few hours, they will get both fore and hind milk, therefore they should be getting all the nutrients” they need during cluster feeding, Coleman says. But if a mom truly does not have enough milk, then baby may need to be supplemented with formula to allow for adequate caloric intake. “This would be based on the baby’s weight and urine and stool output, and should be decided with the pediatrician,” Coleman says.
That doesn’t necessarily mean a mom who wants to continue nursing has to give up, she says. Supplementation with one or two bottles of formula a day for a few days can help baby improve weight gain and give mom a little rest, and baby can be weaned back off formula once things calm down.
It’s important to always trust your mom gut, and it never hurts to ask a medical expert for some help. If your baby is struggling to maintain their latch, if they’re falling asleep quickly at the breast, or if they’re gaining weight slowly, it’s especially important to make that call to the pediatrician.
“Sometimes a baby will frequently feed because the baby is not feeding well or transferring milk well from the breasts,” Coleman explains. “If a mother is not sure about how the baby is feeding, it is a good idea to have the baby’s weight checked and speak to a lactation consultant or your baby’s healthcare provider about the baby’s feeding pattern to make sure breastfeeding is going well.”
A baby may also be fussing and using a mother’s breast for soothing rather than sustenance, so it’s important to keep tabs on other markers of health to determine if baby is hungry or just not feeling well.
“If a breastfed baby is at least a week old, and not urinating at least six to eight times in 24 hours or stooling at least three to four times in 24 hours, the pediatrician should be called,” Coleman says, adding that “if a baby is very fussy for a prolonged period of time, parents should take the baby’s temperature, and the pediatrician should be called.”

When it’s over, it’s over.

Although true cluster feeding can last for several days, and it can come back, once you hit the three-month mark, things tend to improve. Not only is your milk production in full swing, but in a few months, baby can generally start to eat other things in addition to breast milk, taking some of the pressure off your body and allowing you the fun of sharing your favorite eats with your little one.
It’s important to remind yourself that not only is cluster feeding normal, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
As Coleman (who isn’t just a pediatrician, but a mom too) says, “It is hard, but if you focus just on the nursing for a couple days, usually things improve.”
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