Category: Wellbeing

“We crave adulation but pretend not to notice the social isolation.”  -Gary Turk (Spoken Word Artist)

It’s no secret that social media connects us like never before. In an instant, we can snap pictures and post our whereabouts (think that selfie from your backpacking trip in Europe) and also keep tabs on what our friends are up to. I love social media. It has been an integral part of my professional life and is a great way to keep in touch with my loved ones. But it is not without its problems.

In the past few years, there has been public and medical concern about such topics as cyber-bullying and too much screen time (particularly for young people). As a psychotherapist, I’d like to address one more issue as it relates to mental health and social media: that of internet loneliness, depression, and feelings of low self-esteem.

Research has shown links between near constant posting with lower levels of life satisfaction; it seems that perhaps the more we tweet, hashtag, or share, the unhappier we are. There are numerous reasons why this could be the case: maybe some individuals turn to Facebook when they’re feeling low or in need of validation or support. Who doesn’t get an instant pick-me-up from “likes” on their photo? Maybe someone is feeling lonely, so he/ she posts a status in an attempt to reach out for connection. Also, social media is often used as an outlet for boredom or stress, which would explain the discontentment reported by the participants surveyed in the study.

Incessant browsing can be a problem, too.

Have you ever found yourself looking at the wedding photos or family blog of someone you don’t know? I know I have! While it’s true we can get creative inspiration from sites like Pinterest, spending too much time or mental energy on what other people display online can drain us and also bring feelings of inadequacy when our life doesn’t seem as put together, our body as toned, or our family as perfect as those we see through the iPhone screen. We also may feel lonely or excluded looking at pictures of other people having a good time without us.

So heavy social media usage can be an indication of loneliness, but is it a cause of it? Probably not. Still, the connection is strong enough that I think we ought to be mindful of how we use these platforms as they relate to our own mental and emotional well-being.

What You Can Do

If you find yourself feeling down when looking at other people’s blogs or profiles or feel jealous of them, make a conscious effort to stop comparing! Eleanor Roosevelt said that “comparison is the thief of joy.” Remember also that we usually put our very best self online for display. I’ve heard it said that Facebook shows the front door, or the desirable, attractive side. Everyone has messiness, everyone has problems, and what we see on social media is a skewed, incomplete version of reality. So much of it isn’t real!

Another thing to do if you find yourself online too much is to seek out face-to-face interactions. It’s easy to sit home and sulk when we’re struggling, but I challenge you to call up a friend and talk with your voice instead of your fingers. Resist the urge to mindlessly surf, go for a walk, create something artistic and new, or find another way to connect with people who care about you.

Overall, I encourage you to take an honest look at your relationship with social media. Do you use it as an escape? Does it bring you closer to people or further from them? What tweaks can you make in your daily routine to have it benefit it and not hurt you? Use your best judgment to utilize Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and other platforms wisely.

As a rule, parents don’t like the music their children listen to—and they never have. We can just imagine Mr. and Mrs. Beethoven telling little Ludwig that playing Mozart would rot his brain. “You want some real music?” they’d say. “Sit down at that piano and play Scarlatti.” Ludwig, of course, would scream at his parents and accuse them of not understanding him. Then he’d slam the door to his room, slip out a window, and meet his buddies at the Mozart concert.
Over the generations and around the world, scenes like that have played out millions of times, with parents (and many other adults) predicting that their kids’ music will destroy civilization. Nowhere is that more true than with heavy metal music, with its often angry and/or violent lyrics.
But some fascinating research has found that listening to heavy metal might actually be good for kids.
The study was conducted by researchers at the University of Queensland School of Psychology who were looking at the effects of what they called “extreme music” on listeners—a group of 39 people ages 13 to 34 who regularly listened to heavy metal.
The researchers started with a 16-minute session designed to deliberately anger the subjects by bringing up unpleasant past memories or issues having to do with money, relationships, or work. The ticked-off subjects were then randomly assigned to either spend the next 10 minutes in silence or listening to heavy metal music from their own playlist. Half of those in the music group picked tracks that included aggression or anger, while the other half went for tracks with themes of isolation and sadness.
The results were a surprise.
Rather than making angry listeners even angrier, or triggering depressive episodes, suicide, drug abuse, or violence, heavy metal “enhanced positive emotions,” according to Leah Sharman, co-author of the study. “When experiencing anger, extreme music fans liked to listen to music that could match their anger,” she said.
“The music helped them explore the full gamut of emotion they felt, but also left them feeling more active and inspired. Results showed levels of hostility, irritability and stress decreased after music was introduced, and the most significant change reported was the level of inspiration they felt.”
That said, we all know that music can—and does—affect the way we feel, bringing up emotions such as joy, sadness, love, and anger. The big question, however, has always been whether those emotions trigger certain kinds of behavior.
One study found that young people who listen to punk and reggae music were more likely than classical or pop music fans to abuse drugs. Girls who preferred rap music were more likely to smoke. Boys who listened to heavy metal were less likely to smoke, and girls were less likely to drink. However, the researchers were very careful to note that there’s no evidence that the music actually caused the behavior.
A number of other studies have confirmed Sharman’s findings: that when listeners in a particular emotional state listen to music that matches that state—whether it’s Bach, Brahms, Taylor Swift, or Kanye West—they feel better. So the next time you’re feeling angry or frustrated, download two songs by Megadeth, Iron Maiden, or Judas Priest and call us in the morning.

Think back to a first date. Remember how you wanted to look your best? You wanted to present your best self, look “put together,” sound successful and be engaging. Viewing other peoples online image is like being on a perpetual first date. On a first date people are generally a filtered version of themselves designed to make the best impression possible. The problem is that some people’s online personas never move beyond the “first date” to a more genuine and balanced self-portrayal.

I don’t know about you but I generally don’t post pictures of the dinner I burned last night or photos of myself as I roll out of bed in the morning. I don’t take videos of the disagreement I had with my hubby right before we went out to dinner! Even thought I do intentionally try to post less than ideal moments, parenting fails, and disappointments, my online presence is still slanted toward the positive. For example, I’m writing this while in my robe with my hair in a pony tail, and not a stitch of make up on and I’m not going to post a picture of me in my current state with this article.

If you struggle with envying other people’s virtual lives, the first thing to do is to remember is that cyber life doesn’t equal reality. It is a filtered version of reality. It’s always skewed toward the positive aspects, the successes, the fun activities, the times that things are going well.

When you see someone’s newly decorated kitchen or family photo with matching outfits, it’s easy to turn those feelings of envy into ‘shoulds’… I should be like her or my family should be like that. I should get family photos taken like that, or I should redecorate my kitchen. Just because someone else posts a photo online that is appealing to you doesn’t mean that you should change anything about your own life. Celebrate the positive things that your friends are experiencing and recognize that it’s only half of the story. Someone else’s successes and accomplishments mean absolutely nothing about you or your life.

One of the gifts of being a therapist for two decades is having glimpses into the darker parts of people’s lives, the stuff that is never posted on Pinterest. I have felt the painful burdens and the stinging disappointments of individuals who look like they have their lives put together on the outside. My clinical experience has helped me to know that everyone has struggles and challenges and that there is always more to the story of a person’s life than they are sharing online.

If cyber-envy is bringing you down and you’re having a hard time separating online personas from the realities of life, you may want to unplug for a few days. Go on a “digital cleanse” and take a break from Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, or reading your favorite blogs. Stepping back from social media can help you get more connected with you own life. While you get yourself centered again, try investing more time and energy in your face-to-face relationships. Focusing on your real-life and practicing gratitude can help shift your focus from what you wish you had to what you do have.

Instead of letting cyber-envy fester, consider letting it inspire you! For example, if you see some amazing photos online from a friend’s weeklong family cruise, instead of thinking, “I’m a horrible parent… Our family has never taken a cruise!” you can think instead, “That looks so fun. I think it’s time to start planning and saving to take my family on a fun trip.” Notice the things that other people are posting and consider that it be information about what you like to do or that you’d like to try. It is possible to transform cyber-envy into cyber-inspiration.

Life can seem complicated sometimes. Finding the right relationship, feeling happy, performing at work, managing to raise healthy children, caring for aging parents, and making a marriage work are just a few of the things you might be juggling individually or all at once. Sometimes you might be so busy that you forget to breathe and step back from the chaos long enough to remember where you are. Losing touch with time and place is not a natural part of life. It’s a chronic issue that has permeated our culture because we’re spending too much time on the things that deplete us and not enough on the things that sustain us.

As your list of things to do grows into a scroll-length document, you know deep in your heart that there are more important things for you to tend to that aren’t even on your list. You find yourself saying “time is flying by.” You speak about your days as being “busy” or “stressful.” You dangle from the monkey bars struggling to get to the next rung, but it’s getting harder and harder to hang on.

Shuffling through days, wondering where the time is going, and merely surviving instead of living are not healthy ways to exist. Consider this a wake-up call reminding you that your life is passing you by and that it’s time to become a participant instead of a bystander.

When life gets chaotic and busy, you stop paying attention to your own needs and slowly begin to forget what nourishes your soul. Getting connected to your core values and what’s most meaningful in your life requires a bit of excavation, but as you dig the shovel into the soil of your truth, you’ll realize what’s been buried and create the opportunity to unearth what’s gone dormant.

Many people blindly seek happiness or love in the hope of feeling better about the state of their lives, but what really brings transformation and change is the understanding of how to live your most authentic life. Authentic living brings your values and behaviors into alignment. More simply put, it’s when you’re doing what’s most important to you as often as possible.

Each journey toward authentic living is unique, but I’ve narrowed it down to five pieces of the life pie that have been shown to most profoundly deepen meaning and connection to the self.

One: Connection

Although we usually think of connection in terms of friends and family, it comes in many forms. You make connections daily every time you go out into the world. You connect with your animals, with nature, with strangers, and with yourself. A brief phone call, a moment of greeting, a nod of acknowledgment, and eye contact are all forms of connection that shape the way you feel and exist in the world. When you go hours or even days without an authentic form of connection, you’re depriving your soul of a much-needed nutrient. Make connecting a priority in your life by making time for friends and family, reaching out in the community, or simply taking a walk in nature.

Two: Self-Care

It is an essential part of your well-being and life to spend time doing the things you love or that feed your mind, body, and soul. As a culture, we notoriously push our own needs to the bottom of the list, claiming that we can’t be selfish or that we don’t have the time. No one will advocate for your self-care except you. You need to take what’s rightfully yours, which is time for yourself. Even if you love being with your kids, and even if pleasing others brings you pleasure, this isn’t the same as giving to yourself what you need to feel whole.

Three: Renewal

In the simplest terms, renewal is a break. For most of us, the only time we get renewal is when we’re sleeping, and even that is limited in the busiest of times. It’s sad to think that in order to rest, we need to be unconscious; it doesn’t have to be that way. Making an active effort for renewal is a fundamental part of living authentically. You see renewal all the time in the natural world, such as when farms are cleared for a new harvest or when a forest fire burns acres of trees. Under the surface is new growth that can only rise up in the space that is cleared. Whether it’s a few moments of quiet time or a scheduled vacation, make time for renewal and replenishment in your life.

Four: Community

The notion of community is connected to many positive states of being, including happiness and a sense of meaning in one’s life. The feeling of belonging literally shapes the brain and promotes positive feelings. We perceive this just by spending time with family and friends, participating in clubs, and being part of a group. Community is the cornerstone of a healthy life because it offers a provision of support and an opportunity to experience the self in relation to something greater. Community needs to be high on your list of personal values because you wouldn’t be able to survive without it.

Five: Spirituality

The grind of life takes us further and further away from the mystical. Whether it’s your religion or a spiritual sensibility related to something else in your life, connecting with the mysterious and unknown is invigorating and centering. Tied to faith, spirituality offers a grounded place within the self when things feel overwhelming or like they’re just too much. Think of it as your refuge or safe place to retreat to when things become hard.

Modern-day culture has all us of living overly individualized lives, which gives a false sense of personal sustainability. We live our lives like we’re on an island while denying the truth that we need much more.

It is only when we become clear about what we need, what we believe in deeply, what we stand for, and how we want to exist in the world that we can create a life that is not only honest but fulfilling.

No one likes to be rejected. No one.

Whether it’s not landing that job you desperately wanted or getting turned down for a date by someone you’ve been crushing on, it’s painful to be told “no.” And what can be even worse is that these kinds of experiences can send you spiraling into self-doubt. Negative thoughts like, “what’s wrong with me?” or, “I’ll never be able to get ahead in my career” can add to your frustration and may even limit you from pursuing goals in the future. But the truth is that rejection is universal and unavoidable; everyone is rejected at some point! Thankfully, there are some key things to remember and strategies to help you avoid getting emotionally crushed.

Here are some ways to deal with the reality that not everything you want or go for will work out:

If you find yourself obsessing over being rejected, you might want to step back and view what happened as objectively as you can. We sometimes have a tendency to catastrophize, or make some things seem worse than they actually are. Keep in mind that just because you feel rejected doesn’t mean you actually are.

Also, consider the source. There are certain individuals whose feedback you should listen to (such as your boss, spouse, or close friend), but if you don’t really value the person who rejected you or put you down, try not to waste your time or energy worrying about what he/ she said.

But what if the rejection is personal? What if someone you care about has rejected you?

Though it’s painful, you can use the opportunity to self-reflect and if necessary, course correct. Is there something you missed in the relationship? How could you improve next time? I know a young man fresh out of college who had a tough experience with an internship. His goal was to work for a few months, then be evaluated to see if the company wanted to hire him full time. When it came time for his review, his employer had some poignant words for him about his shortcomings and ways that he could have performed better; he was rejected from the position. He recounted to me how he was embarrassed and disappointed in himself, but also that he’s never forgotten some of the parting advice his boss gave him. This young man was able to take his rejection and learn something from it that would benefit him in his future career.

If you still can’t shake the sting of rejection in a reasonable amount of time, consider reaching out and sharing your feelings. I’m not suggesting you post on social media, but I’ve found that calling up a friend who I know will lend an ear can be a great help. You can express your pain and frustration, cry if you need to, and brainstorm your next move. My only word of caution: don’t allow the vent session to go on too long or expect someone else to solve your troubles.

And finally, I truly believe that the most important thing you can do to cope in a healthy way is to understand that rejection is not a reflection of your self-worth.

You are unique, valuable, and worthy of love. I have a good friend who was rejected in love. She had just moved to a big city and met a man who was good looking, funny, and successful, but what really attracted him to her was that he was kind and considerate to her. My friend quickly fell in love with him, but he did not return her affections. Understandably, this was disappointing, even heartbreaking for her, but she also knew that it didn’t mean she was less of a person or unattractive to men. Although she was hurt, she knew that her self-worth remained untouched, and she later went on to find love again.

All in all, experiencing rejection is never fun, but it doesn’t have to deliver a permanent blow to your self-esteem. Viewing the rejection in context, practicing self-compassion, reaching out for connection, and using it as a teaching lesson can help you bounce back and thrive.