Category: Wellbeing

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Wellbeing

The Importance of Having Body-Image Girl Crushes

It seems everybody is trying to put women into boxes again, especially athletes, with a resurgence of female sports hitting the airwaves and press this summer in the aftermath of the World Cup and Wimbledon.

The New York Times ran a piece this month about women’s tennis players, and how they can balance their strength with femininity. When victor Serena Williams wore a ballet-pink ball gown to the Wimbledon Champions dinner, people expressed shock that she’d depart from her usually-dominant persona.

And that’s not all. The Guardian quoted the head of coordination for women’s soccer in Brazil, where he indicates there’s been a resurgence in the game because ladies are concerned with getting prettier for games, putting on make-up, doing their hair and wearing shorter shorts. In fact, the FIFA president seemed to echo this sentiment when he insinuated the girls’ shorts simply weren’t tight enough — they might be better volleyball tight. Because that’s a more “female aesthetic.” Apparently.

Of course, we also know actresses and models have long been scrutinized for their weight. Academy Award winner Jennifer Lawrence was told back in her teenage years that if she didn’t lose weight, she’d lose roles. Models like Ashley Graham, Robyn Lawley, Lara Stone and Kate Upton have all fought back against haters, who’ve labeled them fat, plus-size and/or un-bookable.

Confession: I pick apart my own body sometimes. I mean, I look at it in the mirror everyday, as I’m sure you do yours. I don’t like my broad shoulders very much; whether it’s an illusion or not, I feel like anything other than a halter cut or a t-shirt doesn’t sit right. I’d love to have more an hourglass figure, or more of a straight shape — it’s like my body falls somewhere in between, which feels weirdly impossible, yet apparently possible. And like 90 percent of the female population, I’d also kill to have flatter abs. (I mean, come on.)

But I also have a healthy realization that we all have different body hang-ups, we all have different body types, and some self-criticism is normal. Keeping that inner-voice of doubt in check, and the outer-voices that seek to reinforce it, is what’s key.

And ultimately, I take offense to people, especially men or the media, insinuating that feminine beauty comes in one size, one shape and one package — which includes short-shorts and glitter hair accessories on athletes, and a size 0 on actresses. Haven’t we come farther than that as a society yet?

If only the media could see that when they comment negatively or back-handedly on a female body type, they’re essentially critiquing a million other women and girls, too. That’s toxic.

From a personal perspective, I get it. It’s impossible to look at celebrities, athletes and other high-profile women and not make comparisons from your body to theirs on some levels. What I’d challenge you to do is to look a layer beyond the surface judgment. Every time the media shouts out a new celebrity name to comment on her body, look for something that rocks about her figure — and emulate the women with positive body images that you grow to love, and who have frames and styles similar to yours.

My current body-image girl crushes? Serena Williams for defying stereotypes. Kate Upton for embracing her curves. Jane the Virgin actress Gina Rodriguez for celebrating differences and natural beauty. Margot Robbie for admitting she doesn’t have the dieting skills of a saint (and eating the damn cheeseburger). J.Law for her confidence, and Sophia Bush for her candor.

Why I love them all? For a couple reasons. First, they have body types more similar to my own than the average celebrity prototype, and I often look to them to 1) remember that my figure is healthy and beautiful, just the way it is; and 2) get inspiration on how to dress my frame. (They have stylists, so why not?)

And finally, I love these ladies because they all express one thing: it’s best to find happiness, not obsess over fitting the media’s cookie-cutter box of what’s beautiful.

“I’m not going to starve just to be thin. I want to enjoy life, and I can’t do that if I’m not eating and miserable,” Kate Upton once uttered.

“The world has this idea that if you don’t look like an airbrushed perfect model… you have to see past it. You look how you look, you have to be comfortable,” Jennifer Lawrence has said.

“Do not tell me that I am not pretty enough, skinny enough, tall enough, this enough to be on the cover of anything or to accomplish the lead in a show or to be anybody I want to be — because those are limitations we’ve created,” Gina Rodriguez once said.

Don’t limit yourself to silly ideas of what’s in style, who’s pretty and what bodies are acceptable — whether you’re an athlete or an actress, a writer or absolutely anyone else. Find beauty everywhere instead.

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Wellbeing

4 Ways Your Exercise Routine Is Actually Bad For You

Have you seen the motivational post floating around on social media that says, “Obsessed is a word the lazy use to describe the dedicated”? I admit many people give me the “obsessed” label too.

As a fitness professional, people may be under the impression that I live to workout. Ironically, people who really know me are very aware I’m not even really fond of exercise. I’m only fond of the results. I am not obsessed. Like the infamous quote, I’m simply dedicated to healthy living.

Dedication takes work and work is something people like to question. People don’t like to work. They really don’t even like seeing other people work because it reminds them of what they could be doing. This tends to make people feel guilty so they begin to “Dr. Phil” their fit friend in hopes of discovering that their friend is the one with the real problem. People often would rather put a label on someone else than accept that we are the ones who need to change.

We live in a society where people like labels. We like to know there is a logical explanation for why we are different (i.e., lazy and out of shape) or why someone else is an overachiever (i.e., disciplined and dedicated). Ironically, we are almost relieved when a doctor gives us a diagnosis like ADD or some other mental or physical condition. Why? Because now we have an excuse to fail.

Since the fit lifestyle is more than what you do in a gym, it tends to get a lot of bad press because of how it encompasses your whole life. If you spend an hour in the gym everyday, you are going to be more protective over how you live the other 23 hours a day. Fitness is an investment.

This is a very foreign concept to people who haven’t “crossed over” to the fit side yet. As a result, people look at you like an alien and wonder if you are some kind of fitness fanatic who’s obsessed either with fitness or your body–or worse, that you are an exercise addict.

While exercise addiction is very real, many people do struggle with maintaining a healthy balance. Most people who seem a bit obsessed are probably not as obsessed or addicted to fitness you’d think, but they may have life out of balance a bit. This is common in the beginning stages of fitness when all the excitement and learning begins. However, it is good to check your healthy lifestyle and make sure it is not doing you more harm than good.

Here are a few warning signs your fitness routine may actually be bad for you.

Strong In The Gym, Weak In The Kitchen

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Think of the workaholic: Some people are literally slaves to work, but it’s usually not because they love working so much. It’s because they are slaves to their debt. So, they get as much overtime as they can, take odd jobs and work like crazy, simply to balance out all their overspending.

I’ve learned most people aren’t afraid of work. They are afraid of missing out during their playtime. They don’t want to part with the luxuries in life–the cars, clothes, dining out, going out on the town, etc. So they work hard to maintain those things, even if those things (or the work required to keep those things) are killing them.

In many ways, we do the same thing in the gym. We work way harder than we need to in the gym because we aren’t willing to give up our rich taste.

If this sounds familiar, maybe you need to stop eating like a pig so you don’t have to work like a dog. Yes, it’s harsh, but it’s honest. It’s not healthy to rely on exercise to keep getting you out of trouble because of your lack of discipline in the kitchen. It’s time you truly address the real problem: eating. It’s time to cut back, because what you are missing out on now is much more valuable than your favorite food.

Controlled Weight, Out Of Control Life

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Another common issue that can turn a healthy fitness routine into an unhealthy obsession is when your workouts are the only thing going well in your life. I have been guilty of this myself in the past. When I was young and single, I hated my job, I had no boyfriend, and I was in debt up to my eyeballs. Essentially, my life was completely out of control. The only thing I could control was my waistline.

I dove into fitness because it made me feel successful at a time in my life when I was failing in every other way.  While it is great to build your confidence and have something you succeed in, it is unhealthy to run from all your problems.

Exercise became my drink of choice and the gym was my bar. I wasn’t putting the energy I needed to put in to improve my circumstances. I was getting on the treadmill and literally running from my problems. Unfortunately, my bank account didn’t care that I was improving my body.

If you find yourself looking forward to going to the gym more than you do going home, maybe your home life needs the real workout. Though you shouldn’t neglect your health, your fitness shouldn’t come before fixing relationships or other important life issues.

All Or Nothing

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Some people have great intentions when they start a workout program, but their “all or nothing” personality type can get them in trouble. This type of person (and I’m not ashamed to say I’m one of them) can go from completely out of shape to super fit fast, but at what expense?

This is something I really have to keep an eye on. I can easily get so focused on whatever project I’m working on (even my own body) that other things can quickly fall out of balance.

If you find you are putting your workouts above important obligations or relationships, this may be a sign your life is getting out of whack.

If balance is in question, your life will not magically balance itself back out again. Balance takes work. You must sit down, analyze your lifestyle, and re-prioritize. A life out of balance is simply a life with priorities out of order. Write down all your priorities and put them back into the proper order on paper. Then, work daily to keep them in that order.

Selfish Or Plain Addicted?

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Whether you are battling selfishness or addiction, they both can be equally damaging. And whether your addiction is to food (fueling your addiction to exercise) or you are truly addicted to exercise itself, the result can still be the same: too much time in a pool of sweat.

After doing some research, I found a checklist on Active.com for possible symptoms of exercise addiction. Check yourself by answering these questions honestly below.

1. Have you missed important social obligations and family events in order to exercise?

2. Have you given up other interests or friends to make more time to work out?

3. Does missing a workout make you irritable and depressed?

4. Do you only feel content when you exercise?

5. Do you like exercise better than sex, good food, or a movie?

6. Do you work out even if you are sick, injured, or exhausted?

7. In addition to your regular schedule, do you exercise more if you find extra time?

8. Have family and friends complained, saying you are too involved in exercise?

9. Do you have a history (or a family history) of anxiety or depression?

Although some of these feelings are natural, and even healthy, there’s a problem if you answered “yes” to most of these questions. Even though feeling good because of exercise is a good thing, feeling good at the expense of harming relationships or your body is very harmful. (Read Know the signs of unhealthy exercise addiction to learn more.)

Whether your life is just a little out of balance, you are in a selfish stage in your life, or you are actually addicted to exercise, change is necessary. If you can be honest with yourself, you’ll prevent unhealthy fitness obsession and take your fitness to a whole new healthy level.

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Wellbeing

Manorexia: Understanding The Masculine Side of Body Image Distortion

Close your eyes for a second and imagine someone with an eating disorder.
If the person you envisioned was female, you’re not alone. In fact, most of us believe that women and girls are the only ones affected by eating disorders. But the facts tell a very different story. In the U.S., at least a third of the 30 million people suffering from eating disorders are boys or men, according to the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA). That’s 10 million people, most of whom won’t ever get the help they desperately need because they have a Y chromosome. And that, my friends, is a real—and sometimes quite deadly—tragedy.
So why do we ignore men and boys with eating disorders? I’ve come up with at least three reasons:

  • Even though a lot of those 10 million boys and young men know they’ve got a problem, they refuse to ask for help because they’re afraid that people will make fun of them. After all, real men don’t have eating problems right? Guys who do acknowledge that they have a problem and ask for help often find that eating disorder treatment programs accept only females.
  • It never occurs to most medical professionals that boys could actually have an eating disorder. So even when the symptoms are staring them in the face, pediatricians and primary care docs too often don’t see them. Mental health professionals_people who really ought to know better—also turn a blind eye to boys. One of the big industry groups, the American Psychiatric Association, has a very informative section on its website devoted to eating disorders. But the first symptom on the list is “menstrual periods cease.” That pretty well eliminates the boys.
  • Since so few professionals seriously consider the possibility that eating disorders might not be purely a female issue, they routinely exclude boys and young men from relevant research. And if they’re left out of research, they’re also left out of clinical trials for drugs and other potential therapies.

How the Media Feeds Eating Disorders

Eating disorders are typically related to body image. People suffering from anorexia, for example, look in the mirror and, no matter how skinny they are, they see an obese person. Generally speaking, girls and women worry more than boys and men do about being overweight, and some of those worries are driven by the media. Many critics put the blame on the undeniable gender-based double standard: dad-bod, for example—a nice way of saying “soft and pudgy”—is perfectly fine for men, but mom-bod includes a tight butt and a six pack. Others point to men’s magazines, movies, and TV, and the idealized images that girls and women feel they have to emulate to be considered attractive.
There’s a lot of truth there. But next time you’re at the grocery store, spend a few minutes flipping through Cosmo, Shape, and other women’s magazines. You’ll find that the images of women are nearly identical: alluring, idealized, and sexy. The enormous pressure girls feel from all sides to look like those perfectly airbrushed actresses and models can make them feel terrible about their own body and sometimes leads to eating disorders.
That’s the bad news.
The worse news is that the media does something equally damaging to boys. Men’s magazines, movies, and TV shows feature guys with impossibly large biceps, too many abs to count, and the kind of physique most of us  could never achieve. Those same idealized (and objectifying) images also show up in girls’ and women’s magazines, where they influence the expectations their readers have for men and boys.
As a result, males who are overweight may feel even more pressure to lose weight—which could contribute to eating disorders. And those whose weight is perfectly fine may develop another type of disorder: “muscle dysmorphia,” also known as “bigorexia.” Bigorexics (who are almost always male) look in the mirror and, no matter how ripped they are, see a 96-pound wimp.
While bigorexia isn’t as deadly as anorexia and other “traditional” eating disorders, it can still lead to a number of very serious problems.
Boys and men who feel pressured to have the perfect body often become anxious and depressed (which can lead to suicide). They diet and work out obsessively and can do permanent joint and muscle damage. Those obsessions can become so consuming that homework, school attendance, and career may suffer, and they may stop spending time with friends and family because they don’t want to interrupt their workout schedule or they feel embarrassed about how skinny they are.
Bigorexics may drain their bank accounts to pay for personal trainers and surgery (if exercise doesn’t produce the desired effects, it’s always possible to get that Mr. Olympia look with pec, bicep, calf, ab, and other implants). And they may load up on “supplements,” including testosterone and steroids, which have been linked to increased blood pressure and heart attack risk, reduced liver and bowel function, dementia, and sudden flashes of anger sometimes called “roid” (as in steroid) rage.
If you suspect that you or someone you know has an eating disorder, including bigorexia, it’s important to find help. Now. If the person is under 18, start with his pediatrician. If he or she laughs it off or refuses to consider an eating disorder, find another doctor. If he’s over 18, set up a visit with the primary care doc or a mental health professional who has experience treating people with eating disorders. You’ll also find a ton of great resources, information, guidance, and support at the NEDA website, http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

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Wellbeing

Don't Let Disappointment Ruin Your Weight Loss Efforts

I’ve read the book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey several times. Every time I read it, Covey makes me think about how modeling behavior on proven, successful models helps in a lot of areas–including weight loss.
For example, rather than come up with a unique way to teach my children a new math concept, I first try using a proven method. Not that I ignore technology though, because I make use of some pretty awesome apps.
When it comes to weight loss, it is easy to feel disappointed in your progress. However, if you think about it, taking advantage of proven techniques that work–no matter your dieting philosophy, your gender, your weight loss requirements, or your age–can help you move from being disappointed in your weight loss to satisfied and proud of your accomplishments.
After all, why constantly reinvent the wheel?
That being said, you do need to find an eating and exercise regimen that fits your lifestyle, but there are certain techniques that I have found work in almost every circumstance.
Stop feeling disappointed in your weight loss, and commit to using these techniques to move from disappointment to satisfaction.
I came up with a list of seven techniques you can use to help avoid disappointment in your weight loss efforts no matter what diet you are following.

1. Stay positive.

Weight loss does not happen on its own or in a straight line. There may be times when your weight loss comes to a screeching halt or you are just not as committed as you want to be. This has happened to me quite a few times. One key technique for avoiding disappointment is to focus on the positive and not allow slip-ups or a lack of progress make you quit.

2. Do some form of exercise every day.

Part of the reason you might feel disappointed in your weight loss effort is because you are not burning enough calories. Do like I did, and commit to at least 15 minutes of daily exercise. The more fit you become, the longer your sessions should be.

3. Eat something in the morning.

Eating in the morning is an important technique for the majority of highly successful losers. I readily admit to not being a breakfast lover, but I do eat something healthy by 10:00 a.m. I find that eating something in the morning helps me avoid overeating or binging later in the day.

4. Understand that portion control is key.

I was really bad at controlling my portions until I realized that controlling portions equaled controlling calories. Over time you will find yourself developing a keen eye for the right amount of your favorite foods.

5. Stick with basic, whole foods.

You may know people who have lost weight using prepackaged diet meals or expensive programs, but I wonder how many of those people were not disappointed with their results over the long term. Stick with basic, whole foods, and avoid eating processed diet foods.

6. Be deliberate when tracking.

When I was disappointed in my weight loss results, it was often because I ate more calories than I needed. It is way too easy to stuff several handfuls of nuts in your mouth or think that the fun pack of M&M candies doesn’t really count. (Not that I ever did that…) I experienced the most success and the least disappointment when I took the time to track my calorie intake. It doesn’t matter what app or technique you use–just pick one and stick with it.

7. Deal with emotional eating issues.

This is huge and something that must be addressed for success. If you have a substantial amount of weight to lose or have been overweight for a long time, there are likely some emotional issues surrounding food that you need to deal with. Ask yourself what emotions drive you to eat and then develop strategies to cope with the emotions without relying on food. If you don’t, you will likely find yourself staying disappointed with your lack of progress.

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Wellbeing

Could Poor Sleep Lead to Alzheimer's Disease?

I don’t get enough sleep.

It’s a simple statement but one that I know is true for not only me but for millions of others. The problem is that sleep is about a lot more than just rest, and not getting enough sleep can cause a host of problems from fatigue, to memory issues, and even long term illness. But, sleep deprivation may cause even bigger issues.

There are four stage of sleep, with the third being the deep sleep that provides Delta waves to help the mind and body heal, and the fourth stage is REM sleep which allows our brain to organize information, improving learning and memory. Once you understand the purpose of Delta waves and REM sleep, it’s understandable that REM sleep occurs at the highest levels in babies because they are learning the most. But, even aging adults need these deep stages of sleep, especially the Delta waves that help the body heal.

The problem is that not getting these stages does more harm that just decreasing our ability to heal and remember. According to researcher Adam Spira, not getting enough sleep may even lead to Alzheimer’s disease. His study at John’s Hopkins showed a definite link between sleep deprivation and the amyloid plaques commonly associated with Alzheimer’s disease.

Unfortunately, the study doesn’t tell us if the plaque causes the poor sleep or if the poor sleep causes the plaque.

Even without knowing the cause and effect relationship between the plaque and poor sleep, it seems pretty simple to connect the dots. We know that Delta waves help heal the body, and we know that REM sleep helps to improve memory and learning. Alzheimer’s is associated with memory issues, and physically can only be diagnosed after death when the brain is autopsied, revealing specific plaques and tangles.

Of course, it’s possible that the plaques and tangles already existed and they are the reason that a person with Alzheimer’s disease has poor sleep, and the poor sleep over time leads to memory issues. However, it does seem that as Alzheimer’s progresses so do the sleep issues. After all, it is the nighttime waking that often leads to these patients being institutionalized, because their care-givers cannot be awake 24/7 to keep an eye on them.

Whether sleep issues cause Alzheimer’s or Alzheimer’s causes the sleep disturbances, the decreased sleep certainly can’t help the symptoms of memory loss and disorientation associated with Alzheimer’s. These symptoms are common in sleep deprivation at any age, even in healthy individuals.

So, how is it possible that lack of sleep could lead to Alzheimer’s disease?

When you look at what sleep does for our bodies, it’s pretty clear. Not only does sleep help aid our body’s healing processes and encourage learning and memory, but sleep also helps clear our bodies of toxins that accumulate during the day – including amyloid proteins. Not sleeping means that the amyloid proteins don’t get cleared, and this build-up eventually leads to the plaques associated with Alzheimer’s, beginning the degenerative chain of events that eventually leads to neuronal death.

This build-up of amyloid proteins is seen years before other Alzheimer’s symptoms and may well be an early symptom of the disease. So is it possible that improving sleep early on may help prevent this plaque aggregation and therefore prevent Alzheimer’s?

The answer seems to be yes.

Studies have indicated that sleep deprivation leads to amyloid plaque deposits within just three weeks. This seems to create a cyclical issue where the plaques decrease sleep over time, which creates an increase in plaque deposits. The key seems to be in increasing quality sleep early on before it becomes an issue.

But, how do we do this?

The first key is in recognizing that there is an issue. I know that personally I’ve been guilty at times of ignoring my own sleep issues, thinking that I’m just stressed out and that it will eventually improve on its own. And I know that I’m not alone. The problem is that it usually doesn’t get better without making some changes.

A 2015 review by Sharma and colleagues suggested two potential focus areas – melatonin and serotonin.

Melatonin is metabolite synthesized in the pineal gland that not only aids in the controlling the circadian rhythm but also in clearing the body of toxins and improving immune function. Sleep deprivation also increases serotonin levels, which normally decrease during deep and REM sleep. This increase in serotonin may result in the decreased melatonin. Because Alzheimer’s patients have been shown to have decreased melatonin levels, medications that reduce serotonin levels may be helpful in improving sleep patterns (as may melatonin supplementation).

Unfortunately, the relationship between sleep and Alzheimer’s is still a bit of a “chicken-and-egg” problem. While adjusting melatonin and serotonin may help sleep (among other things) we don’t yet know if helping sleep will reduce the incidence of Alzheimer’s disease.

References:

Sharma, V. K., Sharma, P., Deshmukh, R., & Singh, R. (2015). Age associated sleep loss: a trigger for Alzheimer’s disease. Klinik Psikofarmakoloji Bulteni, 25(1), 78-88. doi:10.5455/bcp.20140909070449

Spira, A. P., Gamaldo, A. A., An, Y., Wu, M. N., Simonsick, E. M., Bilgel, M., … & Resnick, S. M. (2013). Self-reported sleep and β-amyloid deposition in community-dwelling older adults. JAMA neurology, 70(12), 1537-1543.

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Wellbeing

Do Opposites Attract? For Magnets, Yes. For People, Not So Much.

Take a minute and think back on all the women you’ve dated. How many of them look–even just a little–like your mother? Probably more than you think (or than you’d like to admit). That may be a little off-putting to contemplate, but it’s nothing to be embarrassed about; we all do it. It may be politically incorrect to say so, but we’re biologically wired to like the people we spend the most time with. In our early years, that’s mom or dad. We trust them, and as we get older we have a tendency to see people who look like them as more trustworthy. And according to psychologist David Perrett, trustworthy develops into “mateworthy.” So if you’re not already in a relationship with someone who looks like your opposite-sex parent, chances are very good that you will be soon.
In a series of studies, Perrett and his colleagues discovered that when it comes to finding romantic partners, we’re most attracted to the features our opposite-sex parent had when we were born (unfortunately, there hasn’t been any research on gay couples and whether they’re attracted to features of the same-sex parent).
In one study, the researchers found that our romantic partners and opposite-sex parents are likely to share the same eye and hair color. In another study, Parrett and his team found that we’re even drawn to people who are the same age our opposite-sex parent was when we were born. Using computer graphic faces, “we found that women born to ‘old’ parents (over 30) were less impressed by youth, and more attracted to age cues in male faces than women with ‘young’ parents (under 30),” Perrett wrote in the study. “For men, preferences for female faces were influenced by their mother’s age and not their father’s age.”
The traits we seem most attracted to are more than just superficial. In one study, strangers were able to match photos of women with their mother-in-law “at a significantly higher rate than expected by chance.”

Nature Vs. Nurture: It’s Not So Simple

If you’re thinking that this sounds like we’re careening through our love life on some kind of biological autopilot, you’re right. Partly. There’s plenty of Nurture to go along with all that Nature.
A team of researchers at the University of Pécs in Hungary found that heterosexual individuals use their opposite-sex parent as a “template for acquiring mates” even if they were adopted or raised in a loving foster home. In addition, the relationship between the child and his or her opposite-sex parent played an important role.
Women who “rated their childhood relationships with their father highly” were much more likely to rate as “attractive” photos of men who resembled their father than were women who rated their father “less highly,” according to Agnieszka Wiszewska, lead author of a 2007 study published in the journal Evolution & Human Behavior. Similarly, women who “received more emotional support from their adoptive father were more likely to choose mates similar to the father than those whose father provided a less positive emotional atmosphere,” according to researcher Tamás Bereczkei.

Blueprint for Love?

Oh, and we’re not the only ones in the animal kingdom who are attracted to the familiar. Most of us have seen videos of “animal imprinting.” That’s when newborns—usually ducks or geese—happy follow around the first living thing they see, whether that’s their own mother, some other animal, or a human. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go to YouTube, search for “duckling imprinting,” and get ready to say “awwwww.”)
This type of cross-species nurture-based imprinting is nothing new. According to Keith M. Kendrick of the Babraham Institute in Cambridge, England, “Young male sheep raised from birth by female goats develop a social and sexual preference for goats when they mature … [T]he emotional bond between a mother and her male offspring, rather than other social and genetic factors,” he adds, “may irreversibly determine these species’ social and sexual preferences” (I know what you’re thinking–stop it right now).

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall… The Final Piece Of The Puzzle

Narcissus—the character from Greek mythology who fell in love with his own reflection—may have just been doing what we’re all wired to do: fall in love with ourselves. In fact, that may be exactly what’s happening when we’re (subconsciously) selecting mates who look like Ma or Pa. After all, they probably look a little like us, right?
If you’re a Justin Timberlake fan, you’ll recognize these slightly narcissistic lyrics from his love song “Mirrors.”

It’s like you’re my mirror

My mirror staring back at me

I couldn’t get any bigger

With anyone else beside of me

And now it’s clear as this promise

That we’re making two reflections into one

‘Cause it’s like you’re my mirror

My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me

Sounds a little creepy—and vaguely incestuous—doesn’t it?
Psychologists R. Chris Fraley of the University of Illinois and Michael Marks of New Mexico State University did several fascinating experiments aimed at figuring out why we find ourselves so enchanting. In one, Fraley and Marks divided a number of volunteers into two groups. The control group was to evaluate the sexual attractiveness of a number of images that were graphically designed composites of the features of various strangers. The second group saw similar images, except that up to 45 percent of the features were from the subject’s own face. The individuals in that group were more sexually attracted to the images that contained pieces of themselves than they were to the other images.
Here’s the kicker:
Fraley and Marks ran another experiment. This time they showed a new series of composite images to both groups. They told half that the images contained elements of their own face (although none of them actually did). The people who believed they were looking in part at themselves rated those images as less sexually attractive than did the volunteers who thought they were looking at randomly assembled faces.
The point? It could be Nature’s way of keeping us from taking our love for ourselves and those who look like us too far: When we’re aware of the connection, we feel a sexual aversion.

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Wellbeing

Work Burnout: What It Is And How To Singe It Right Out Of Your Vocab

Burnout is nature’s way of telling you, you’ve been going through the motions your soul has departed; you’re a zombie, a member of the walking dead, a sleepwalker. False optimism is like administering stimulants to an exhausted nervous system. “Fire in the Belly: On Being A Man”
Burnout is becoming increasingly common in today’s workforce. Burnout is a feeling of dread and anxiety that begins in your workplace and ends up seeping into every aspect of your life. Not only is burnout emotional, but it also affects you physically and mentally due to overwork, demanding situations and instances where the outcome didn’t turn out as expected (Mind Tools). Burnout can affect relationships and your health in the blink of an eye so it is wildly important that you be on the lookout for the common signs.
Taking preventative measures can be incredibly helpful, but a lot of times you need to focus on coping. Stress is usually the main reason for burnout so, although it’s normal to feel mild stress, if it becomes all consuming this is extremely problematic.

9 Signs Of Burnout

1. Fatigue: An overwhelming desire to lay on your couch with a snuggie and box of pizza.
2. Lack of excitement: No longer do you get thrilled by sample sales or trips to the winery.
3. Pessimism: You’re lying at the pool and it’s too sunny, too hot, and the beer doesn’t taste quite right.
4.  Lack of focus: Your favorite series premiere came on, but you’re more focused on the crack in the ceiling than the big reveal.
5. Work decline: When your job performance slips from amazing to awful.
6. Withdrawal: When people have to say your name fifty times before you process they’re not talking to your pet rock.
7. Lack of personal care: Yoga pants are always a chill idea, but not when it’s for the fifth day in a row.
8. Bringing work life to your home life: Instead of ordering your favorite cocktail for your Sunday brunch you accidentally order a copy of your social media outreach spreadsheet. Well, that just got awkward.
9. Health decline: Before running three miles was a breeze, now it’s a miracle if you can take the stairs without falling into a heap.

How To Avoid It

1. Slow and steady wins the race: Look at the bigger picture of your goal. Although, it may seem like the best idea to put in a quadruple amount of overtime to get ahead you also need to remember that “you” time is important. Success doesn’t happen overnight, so don’t force it. And what’s the point of missing out on that float trip? If you’re so involved with your work you’re going to miss the surrounding lifeblood around you.
2. Pump some iron: Studies show that exercise is one of the BEST ways to reduce stress and keep one healthy. So grab your cutest Lululemon gear, press play on your favorite workout playlist, and go for a jog. Once you’re done you’ll feel happier and probably more fulfilled.
3. Indulge: Like we said before, “you” time is mega important. It’s important to indulge on the weekends. Turn off your work computer and don’t worry, your phone won’t all of a sudden disintegrate if you ignore it for an hour.
4. Namaste: Managing stress is crucial if you’re going to avoid the burnout bug. Take a yoga class, read a self-help book, even going for a stroll outside can help reduce those stress levels. *HUUUUUM*
5. Early bird gets the worm: Time management is key. If you’re feeling overworked try spreading it out over a longer period of time. Waking up an hour early can do wonders for your productivity. Enjoying the silence with some coffee and early morning sunshine makes that to-do list not quite so ugly.

Recovering from Work Burnout

1. Vacation: A vacation is a great first step in recovering from work burnout. It’s crucial to disengage yourself from the problem at hand. Going on a vacation is the best way to refresh yourself and breath life into your daily habits. Wiggle your toes in that white sand and sure, why not have a second mai tai.
2. Lists: Next make a list of your work goals. What was your intention when you accepted this position? Have you reached your goals or made any headway? Are you strutting your stuff or still in that dusty corner cubicle?
3. No Means No: Learn to say no. When you overcommit this can lead to a burnout. Just say, “No Margery, I will not take on your 30-hour project.”
4. Reprioritize: Discover what really matters to you. If your job is no longer making you happy see if there’s ways you can shift and refocus. If not then maybe it’s time to look into other jobs. No harm in looking. I mean LinkedIn was created for a reason.
5. Be Positive: This is A LOT easier said than done, but once you start it becomes easier. When you feel like you’re at a breaking point try to step outside, grab a drink, and just clear your head. You know what that feeling is? Yes, that’s the feeling of happiness.
Work burnout is a very real and frustrating problem, but if you follow some of these tips and create a good support system you can get out of this slump in no time at all.

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Health x Body Wellbeing

Why IUDs Are Even Better Than Boyfriends

Ask any woman the worst part about birth control and you’ll get a litany of answers: weight gain, mood swings, acne, and just plain forgetting it. Although birth control pills are 99% effective this number drops pretty quickly when you take into account those times that you forget or are behind a few hours. Not to mention the amount of time it actually takes to conceive once you stop using a hormonal birth control.
So if you don’t want to take the Pill what else are your options? The NuvaRing? The shot? The laundry list of hormone infused options makes you dizzy, and quite frankly we’d rather not read the entire list. Of course there are condoms and even the pullout method, but these are wildly ineffective.
This leads me to introduce you to your new best friend, someone that you will cherish even more than your boyfriend.
Ladies, meet the IUD (Intrauterine Device).
For those who are unaware, IUD’s are a small, roughly one inch plastic device that’s shaped like a ‘T’. It’s inserted into the uterus by a trained gynecologist, nurse practitioner, or midwife. Once in place it stops the sperm from implanting into the egg. Some people feel vaguely uncomfortable with something residing inside of them for up to 10 years, but it’s perfectly safe. Really it’s no different than ingesting a chemical everyday.
Forty years ago the IUD was wildly popular with 10% of the female population using them, but now it’s dropped to only 2%. Why? With the increase in a variety of ‘Pills,’ education about the IUD has become scarce. But I’m here to tell you why the IUD is better than your current birth control, why it will change your life, and why it may, in fact, be better than your boyfriend.
1. You Don’t Have To Worry About Polluting Your Body
ParaGuard is a current IUD that is hormone free, meaning that you don’t have to worry about any of those pesky side effects. Although Mirena and Skyla are hormonal IUD’s the hormone level they actually release is only 1/10 of what you’d normally receive from the Pill. Another perk is the hormone is already located in the uterus, so those chemicals aren’t infiltrating your bloodstream. So, you can receive the benefits of hormones, like reduced periods, but you don’t have to worry about the pesky burdens, like weight gain. Because NO ONE enjoys puffing up like a blimp in the name of staying parent free.
2. Delete Your Alarm Clock
Now you don’t have to feel guilty if you’re having a crazy day and you forget to take your pill, your IUD has got you locked. If you oversleep or are too hungover to process what time it is, you’re safe too.
3. It’s Consistent…Unlike Your Boyfriend
I’m sure there’s been a couple of times where your man has been out with the guys and has gotten a bit too carried away forgetting your late night plans. Well you don’t have to worry about that letdown with your IUD. An IUD’s failure rate is tiny, while a boyfriend has a much larger margin for error.
4. You Don’t Have That Weird Waiting Game Before You Can Get Pregnant
Once your IUD is out you can get pregnant literally that same day.
5. It’s The Type Of Pain That Makes You Feel Good
I’m not going to lie, getting an IUD hurts. There’s a reason they recommend it to women who have already given birth. Some describe the insertion pain as the contractions you feel during labor. Okay, this sounds incredibly scary if you haven’t had the lucky chance to have a baby yet, but lets look at the bigger picture. Five minutes of discomfort for up to 10 years of reliable birth control? Yeah, I’ll take that. And most women say the worst part lasts less than two seconds. We’ve handled worse ladies.
6. You Don’t Have To Spazz Out When You’re Late
One of the perks with Mirena and Skyla is that your periods are lessened and sometimes go away completely. So next time you go for a few months without your period you don’t have to fret that you forgot a pill.
7. It Actually REDUCES Your Risk Of Blood Clots
There have been multiple studies that describe IUDs as foolproof against blood clots. “Researchers said they were associated with a reduced risk and may have a protective effect against blood clots.” Need I say more?
8. It’ll Help Keep Your Friends Around
We all know when we’re about to start PMSing. We magically end up on the couch one night with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s binge watching Gilmore Girls wondering why none of your friends will call back. Well, your hormonal IUD not only eliminates any mood swings but it’ll magically free up your friend’s social calendar.
9. It’s Customizeable
With three types of IUD’s on the market, you’re bound to find the right one for you. The nonhormonal IUD provides up to 10 years of protection before it needs to be removed. Mirena provides five, and Skyla provides three. And if there’s ever a point when you’re not into your new friend, which I promise you won’t happen, you can have it removed in a snap.
10. Your Sex Life Will Be Way Better
I mean how awkward is it when you’re having to grab a condom or if you’re mentally running through your head if you took the pill. And what happens if your NuvaRing slips out? So many awkward moments waiting to happen, and with the IUD it eliminates them completely.
Now I’m sure you understand why some women are in serious relationships with their IUD and not their significant other. They’re slowly starting to make their comeback so don’t hesitate to do a little research of your own to see if this family planning method is right for you.

Categories
Wellbeing

Keeping Your Balance When the Rug is Pulled Out from Under You

As human beings we thrive on predictability, and pride ourselves on being the fortune-tellers of our own futures. By predicting the future, and basing our safety and security on our ability to “know” what the future holds we bind our anxiety and deny the reality of life.

In truth, life is unpredictable, unknowable, and impossible to control. As a result we are sometimes blindsided and vehemently hit on the back of the head with the 2×4 of life’s randomness.

When I was 40 years old, I received a breast cancer diagnosis. Then, one year later, my husband announced he no longer wanted to be married. Since then I continue to find myself riding the waves of unexpected loss, and uninvited challenges that life organically brings.

When life throws its curveballs, and the world you thought you knew gets ripped out from under you, there are ways to cope and lessons to be learned. Confronting the realities of what it means to be a human being living on this earth is inevitable for all of us, but it is possible to get through unscathed. You can become a good soldier by having a protocol for dealing with what comes your way as you make the best of what feels like the worst.

First you’ll need to know that there are a few specific phases you’ll journey through as you recover from the experience of becoming untethered from what you thought was your life.

Shock

The initial blow is startling and puts you in a state of shock. You are learning very quickly that surprises are not always fun, and that when you experience an unexpected change in your life it triggers a powerful physiological response that organically comes with high levels of stress and fear. The shock usually passes within weeks creating more space for other thoughts and feelings to surface.

Disillusionment

In this phase you’re struggling with the reality of what’s happening. You’re trying to reconcile what you expected with your current truth, and part of that process is letting go of the illusions that we all create to feel safe in the world. This is where you say things like, “I never thought this would happen” or “This feels surreal.”

Disorientation

Grappling with the how’s and why’s is an inevitable part of this process. Having your world go up in flames is disorienting particularly when you don’t know where you’re going to land. The uncertainty that comes with unexpected change leaves you with no solid ground so it’s normal to feel adrift and lost as you work toward understanding that you have stumbled into a life challenge you didn’t see coming.

Coping in the immediate aftermath of a life crisis is very specific. You’ll transition into other phases as you move through the process of recovery, but the initial blow and immediate traumatic response are often overlooked and bypassed because it all happens so quickly.

Slowing down and really laying a foundational system in the very beginning sets the tone for how things will unfold going forward.

An important aspect of this kind of treatment is to truly mark the beginning point of healing. There has to be a definitive moment of when the trauma ends, and the healing begins. Without this specific awareness, intentions aren’t clear and you stumble through as opposed to creating a conscious journey.

Believe it or not, it’s possible to begin when there’s no end it site. When you’re ready, and the time is right, you’ll begin putting these coping mechanisms into place:

1.     Get Centered

It’s easy to get swept up in the chaos when your life is falling apart. Avoid losing all of your bearings by grounding yourself in healing routines and practices. Start by committing to a daily practice that plants you firmly on this earth so you start each day with a sense of connection to yourself or something greater. Journaling, art, meditation, dance and exercise are all wonderful centering practices.

2.     Become a Pill Bug

I’m sure you’ve seen how pill bugs curl up and retreat into their shell the minute you touch them. Think of yourself in the same way because you’re vulnerable right now and need to protect yourself. This is a time to retreat as much as you can even though you’ll expect yourself to go on with life as normal. Practicing self-care and honoring your trauma are key components of coming out the other side stronger and more resilient later on.

3.     Step Back

When your life is out of control your first impulse will be to “do something”. Of course there will be some issues that need immediate attention, but in general taking the time to step back and really take in the magnitude of your situation will help you gain clarity about next steps. This isn’t a time to make rash decisions or rush into solutions. Allowing the pieces and remnants of your life to land organically will give you a good sense of what you need to do next. Practice patience and trust that the process will unfold as it is intended to. This is a practice of letting go where it makes sense.

You have the capacity to learn and grow from any challenge in your life if you allow that to happen. Big challenges in life make you a deeper and more evolved person as you come to understand your own strength and resilience. Trust that you have what you need to survive, but never under-estimate the magnitude of what you’re facing.

Categories
Wellbeing

PSA: In Dating, It's Okay to Be Ridiculous

Dating. It’s supposed to be “fun” and “exciting,” right? And sure, some of it is. There’s that time you met the handsome stranger at the hippest new restaurant in town and bantered that perfect, spring night away; or that time you kissed your now-ex under the Fourth of July fireworks.
But for something that’s considered categorically, there are a lot of tears and cringe-worthy moments that you might just want to take back. Like the time you ran after the hot player, convinced he would “change” for you! Or that other time you sent an emotionally-fueled text (or six) to your ex (eek). Or yet another time you finally said something — hideously silly — to the dude you’d been crushing on for, I don’t know, a whole year. Ugh.
Well, I’m here to applaud you for every last one of those so-called mistakes, mishaps and misfires. Here’s why.
Most of us aren’t going to marry the first person we date. In fact, most of us shouldn’t marry the first person we date. We’re not ready yet; would you buy the first house you look at without doing any research or looking at any other options? Dating, the joy and the pain, is all about growth. It’s about figuring out exactly what you want and need in a partner. It’s a process. And it takes time and screw-ups.
They say life is a cruel teacher. You get the test first, and then you get the lesson. But here’s the deal with dating: the more tests you “fail,” the more the lessons you amass — and there’s always an opportunity for retakes. When these exams hit your desk a second time, you’ve already studied up, and you’re ready to pass with flying colors.
That guy who sweet-talks you the first second you meet? Player, best to move on.
When your commitment-phobic ex calls you back up and asks to meet? Politely decline. Been there, done that.
When your date tells you he’s just out a relationship… two weeks ago? Emotionally unavailable isn’t your thing anymore.
Soon, you get better and better at recognizing the situations that will lead to heartbreak. But first, you have to fail the tests. Friends will warn you about your ex, your mom will tell you’re crazy about that guy you’re hopelessly in love with — but sometimes, you need to experience it to know why it won’t work. To know you’re not the exception. To know that despite a hundred red flags amongst that one redeeming, alluring quality, it won’t magically work out.
Sometimes, first, you have to be ridiculous in dating.
My favorite dating coach is Boston-based Neely Steinberg, who I recently chatted with on this very subject. She says she had a ton of fun dating in her 20s, despite her fair share of heartbreak — and sometimes, she chased disaster.
But then she turned 30, and committed herself to taking stock of those hard-earned lessons. “I became less interested in fleeting hook-ups, less dazzled by the charming, hot men, more open to dating outside ‘my type,'” she tells me. “I became less likely to let something drag on if I didn’t feel it was right, or if I saw red flags. I was committed to self-growth through my dating experiences, and started having the tougher conversations with guys that I normally would just avoid in my 20s.”
Neely met her husband at age 33 on Match.com, and says he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to her. She dated off-type, she dated smart and strategically — and she recognized his potential, because she’d finally dated enough men to pick out a flower among the weeds.
In dating, as in life, it’s okay to make mistakes. It’s how we grow. So, be ridiculous if you need to be. Just make sure you’re learning the lesson with each failed test. Then you’ll really appreciate the right person when you finally cross paths.