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Wellbeing

Don't Be THAT Guy: Office Break Room Etiquette

The modern office is a veritable mine field of unspoken rules and potential faux pas. Nowhere is this more evident than the office break room, particularly the communal fridge. Some people treat it like it’s their own private fridge, without regard for fellow co-workers. They’re the absolute worst.

Don’t be the worst.

There are a few simple guidelines for office fridge and general break room etiquette that will ensure you never become THAT guy or gal. For the sake of every one of your co-workers, follow them!

Don’t Eat Other People’s Food

This shouldn’t even have to be said, but don’t eat other people’s food! Come on, are you in kindergarten? Eating someone else’s lunch shows a total lack of respect and empathy for those around you. It’s hard to trust someone with that important project if you can’t even trust them not to eat your sandwich.

Label Things

If someone is bold enough to eat another person’s lunch, a Sharpie probably won’t stop him/her. However, labeling your food, especially common items like yogurt, will help avoid confusion. Dating food isn’t a bad idea either. If you keep milk around for morning coffee or cereal, write the date it was opened on the carton. Your co-workers definitely don’t want to be involved in making an artisanal batch of office yogurt.

Pick Up After Yourself

This seems like another obvious thing some people don’t comprehend. No one else wants to involved in a makeshift science project, so, for the love of all that’s holy, throw away your old food! Not only is moldy food patently gross, It’s also taking up valuable real estate. You know, for food that’s not fuzzy.

Don’t Be a Hoarder

Some people like to bring a week’s worth of lunches in on Monday and stack them in the fridge. Don’t do this. It might seem really convenient for you, but it’s rude to take up way more space than you actually need for the day. Planning ahead and making a five days worth of food is fine. In fact, it’s responsible. But how about you store that Tupperware Jenga in your own fridge and bring one meal each day?

Be Realistic

It’s good that you don’t want to waste food. It doesn’t hurt to be realistic, though. Let’s face it, you’re probably not going to eat the last three bites of that Italian sub or chicken penne later. Go ahead and throw it out. There’s no need to crowd the fridge with good intentions.

There Are Certain Things You Don’t Heat Up

When it comes to an office break room, there are considerate people that don’t heat up seafood and then there are monsters. Considering how shrimp, crab and fish smell after being heated up, it’s a wonder that anyone saves Red Lobster leftovers at all. But some people do. They either have a non-functioning sense of smell or a total disregard for making the break room smell like low tide at the wharf. Seriously, the smell does not go away. Please, we’re begging you, keep the leftover salmon at home.

Learn To Use The Microwave

Speaking of heating things up…Learn how to use the microwave. You don’t need to heat up pasta for seven minutes. All that will get you is a burnt tongue and a microwave that looks like a crime scene. Also, use the popcorn button! The only thing that smells worse and lasts longer than reheated seafood is burnt popcorn.

Respect The Coffee

If you drink the last cup of coffee, it’s your duty to make a new pot. This is one of the oldest break room rules in the book. It’s probably in the Constitution somewhere. Your fellow workers depend on the magical elixir to get them through the day. Don’t deny them that.

Now that you’re educated on proper break room etiquette, don’t be afraid to preach the gospel to your co-workers! Oh, and, check that coffee pot one more time, just to be sure…

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Wellbeing

Your Weight Is Not the Problem

I’m a dietitian, and I’m tired of talking about body weight.

You might think that would be a career-ender, a confession I ought not dare utter aloud. After all, what do dietitians do when faced with an obesity epidemic, if not help people achieve a healthy weight? Weight loss should be my bread and butter (or, perhaps more appropriately, my organic whole grain bread and mashed avocado?), but lately, I’m kind of, well…over it.

I want to let you in on a little secret: obesity is not anyone’s problem.

It’s okay, I’ll wait for the gasps and murmurs to settle down. Hear me out. Obesity can cause many problems but it is not, itself, the problem. It is, in fact, a symptom, a consequence of our collective habits, behaviors, and preferences. When we fixate on a symptom, ignoring the tapestry of circumstances that brought it into existence, we miss the opportunity to make real, lasting change. It’s also, quite frankly, exhausting.

Imagine you’re in a boat, and it’s starting to sink because it’s filling up with water. Panicked, you start scooping the water up with a bucket and dumping it back into the lake. You view the excess water as the problem, not even seeing the very large holes at the bottom of the boat, causing it to fill up in the first place. You can spend every waking minute trying to scoop out the excess water, but you’ll never solve the real problem (the holes), and the boat will fill right back up.

So, you see, the number on the bathroom scale is just a distraction, something that leaves us panicked and not thinking clearly enough to see the bigger picture. Achieving and maintaining a healthy weight can be a huge piece of your health puzzle, but it’s more likely to fall into place when you start treating the underlying issues.

If you’re not sure where to start, here are my top five recommendations for becoming healthier that have nothing to do with weight.

1.    Explore mindfulness.

Mindfulness refers to  focusing your attention on the present: one action, one person (or group of people) at a time. Though we like to think we are master multi-taskers, our brains can actually only focus on one task at a time. It simply puts the less interesting, more familiar tasks on autopilot, and before we know it, we’ve hit the bottom of the bag of chips during the season premiere of The Bachelorette. (Every year I tell myself I won’t even watch, and every year…)

2.    Eat real food.

We could spend an entire day discussing what this means in all of its nuances, but at its core, I think we all understand. Baked potatoes are real food but sour cream and onion chips are not; a roasted pork tenderloin is real food, but pepperoni is not; and 100% maple syrup is real food, but splenda is not. None of these foods is bad or forbidden, but the more often we choose real, whole foods, the better off we are.

3.    Move more.

You don’t have to run a marathon or even a 5k. You could walk to your mailbox and back, take a lap around your office building after lunch, or stand up and stretch during T.V. commercial breaks. Physical activity is not binary; it is not all or nothing. Just like number two above, the more often you choose moving around over sedentary activities, the better, but that doesn’t mean the only way to be healthy is to never stand still again. Every little bit helps!

4.    Meditate.

If formal meditation isn’t your thing, think of it as time taken for personal reflection or stress relief. One easy technique is a mind body scan: close your eyes and every time you inhale, tense up a body part, then release as you exhale; start down at your toes and move slowly all the way up to your head. Journaling, a warm bubble bath, and dancing are other ideas that may work for different people.

5.    Listen to your body.

When we ignore hunger pangs because we fear overeating, or we use a carton of ice cream to soothe a heartache, we teach our body to distrust its own signals. Eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full (not stuffed). Call a supportive friend when you’re sad. Go for a run when you’re angry.  Your body has a lot to tell you, if you just give it the chance.

If you are tired of trying to bail yourself out of a sinking boat, all you have to do is put down your bucket. Listen to your body. Fuel it, strengthen it, and rest it well. Patch the holes, and embrace your new, healthy life.

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Wellbeing

Make The Most Of Your Mornings When All You Really Want To Do Is Sleep In

There’s nothing quite as jarring and soul crushing as the sound of your buzzing alarm clock at 6:30 a.m. At least for some of us.

“Some people are larks and some are owls,” says Mary Fristad, PhD, professor of psychiatry and behavioral health, psychology, and nutrition at OSU Harding Behavioral Health at The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center. “It has to do with your personal biology. If you’re a lark, you wake up ready. If you’re an owl, you likely went to sleep late and prefer to sleep late.”

If you’re anything like me, and you’re an owl, you may have these thoughts running through your head every time you’re called to rise: “Just 10 more minutes, please.” If that sounds familiar, here are some ways to get moving in the morning.

Position your alarm clocks correctly.

Do you ever sleep right through your alarm or shut it off accidentally? (*raises hand*) You might need to move it across the room, says Fristad. “It might be that you need to position it to physically get up and turn it off, and that act will help you wake up,” she explains. “Also, know what helps you get in the right mood. Do you need an irritating buzzer to get up, or lovely music to soothe you?” Try both, and see which works.

Adopt the right mindset.

Snooze, snooze, snooze. Not only is hitting that button breaking up your sleep so you don’t feel as well rested, but it’s also putting you in a lethargic, I’ll-get-to-the-waking-up-thing-later mood. “Incorporate into your morning mindset that when the alarm goes off, you get up,” says Fristad. “Whether or not you want to. It’s a mental commitment, and it’s a plan.”

Up your breakfast game with wake-up foods.

If you’re sleepy in the morning, yes, you can hit the coffee for a little caffeine boost—but also try to avoid overdoing it with carbs. “You’ll just feel sleepy again,” Fristad says. “Instead, opt for a breakfast with protein.” Some examples? An egg-white omelet with your choice of veggies, or a Greek yogurt with seasonal berries.

Find the right motivation to move it, move it.

Sometimes, you need a reason to wake up in the morning. Fristad suggests keeping a gratitude journal. “Write down three things you’re thankful, from that day, at night before bed,” she says. “It can be as simple as a sunset. And then, also, write down at least one thing you’re looking forward to for the next day.” Fall asleep with that in mind. Also remember that from the moment you wake up, you’ll be hyper-productive for the first two hours of your day. So, use that as motivation to get busy…not snooze your alarm, amble to the coffee pot, and mindlessly answer emails until you “get around” to real work.

Shake up your evening screen activity.

If you’re struggling to wake up feeling well rested in the morning, adjust your routines. Fristad says that all the gadgets we look at can mess with our sleep cycles. “Screen time is a big thing, but shutting down isn’t realistic. You need a variant of that,” she explains. The solution? Reducing exposure to the blue light that prevents melatonin production will help us get to sleep and stay asleep. “There are orange glasses now that help filter out that blue light,” says Fristad. “And just that can be enough to help the brain produce those hormones that help us sleep.”

Beyond that, remember that your body can only handle roughly one-hour swings in wake-up time. So, even on weekends, attempt to get up at roughly the same time. You’ll feel more primed with sleep, and ready to get your day going.

And when in doubt about your ability to handle your morning? Espresso (wink, wink).

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Wellbeing

Ambien: Dream Come True or Nightmare Waiting to Happen?

A little more than five years ago I talked to my doctor about how I was having trouble sleeping, which lead to daily fatigue. I think it was my neurologist that initially started me on various sleep aides. I tried each of the major sleeping pills one-by-one and none seemed to help me sleep, until I tried Ambien. I’ve continued to use it off and on ever since.

I don’t use Ambien every night or even close to it, in fact it takes me six months or more to go through a 30-day supply, but if I have to be awake early in the morning, or I just can’t seem to get to sleep, I’ll take it.

I seem to go in cycles, going months without taking a single pill then taking it daily for a few weeks. I’ve been on a 10mg dose from the beginning. So, when I heard a 200lb ex-army guy talking about the trouble he had waking up from it and how he had to cut his pill in half if he wanted to get up in the morning I was really surprised. The guy is almost twice my size and I’m taking twice the amount he is. Typically, when I do take it I’m up and wide awake in eight hours (or less). I’ve rarely ever had a sleep hangover after taking Ambien.

Then a few weeks ago I overheard two women having a conversation about sleeping pills and one of them said something about Ambien interfering with REM sleep. What? That can’t be. I sleep so well when I take it and wake so refreshed I have to be getting quality sleep, including full cycles of REM.

Don’t I?

I decided to do a little research into my little bedtime buddy – Ambien. I hadn’t really done this previously because it seemed that it wasn’t causing me any negative side effects.

Interestingly, the first thing I came across was a 2013 announcement from the FDA [decreasing the recommended dosages by about half. The current recommended dosage for females is just 5mg! Half of what I’m taking. Why did they do this? Because they found that a large percentage of users were waking up with the drug still in their system leading to morning drowsiness and fatigue.

But does Ambien Interfere with REM sleep?

According to three different (albeit small) studies (Besset et al, Dujardin et al, Uchimura et al) that I found, the rumor that Ambien affects REM sleep isn’t true. In fact, it doesn’t seem to negatively alter any stage of sleep.

So, why do people think that Ambien interferes with REM sleep?

My guess is that it’s because the older and more common benzodiazepine sleep aids (eg. Valium) actually do negatively affect sleep cycles. According to the same studies mentioned previously, benzodiazepine drugs decreased both stage 3 and 4 sleep. Benzodiazepines are intended only for short-term use and have a high risk of addiction and abuse. Ambien is considered a non-benzodiazepine sleep aide, meaning that it works in a way that is similar to benzodiazepines but not quite the same.

Non-benzodiazepines (also known as Z-drugs) are not as habit-forming as benzodiazepines, although I guess I can see where anything that helps you get a good night’s sleep can eventually become habit-forming.

That’s not to say that Ambien doesn’t have other side effects. I already mentioned the potential for a sleep-hangover and morning drowsiness if you don’t get at least eight hours of sleep. But, there is also an increased risk for depression or gastric reflux. Then, there are the even worse side effects, like decreased motor control, impaired judgement, hallucinations, and even anterograde amnesia (the inability to form new memories).

There are also those who end up sleepwalking, talking, and eating while on Ambien. I had one friend that called me three times in one night to tell me the same thing. I found out the next morning that she’d decided to try to get some work done after taking Ambien and she didn’t even remember calling me.

If that’s not bad enough, a 2012 study by Kripke, Langer & Kline indicated that you are five times more likely to die of a heart attack or cancer than those not taking these drugs. Scary stuff!

Maybe it’s time to find some alternative ways of getting better sleep.

References:

Besset A, Tafti M, Villemin E, Borderies P, Billiard M. Effects of zolpidem on the architecture and cyclical structure of sleep in poor sleepers. Drugs Exp Clin Res. 1995; 21(4):161-9.

Dujardin K, Guieu JD, Leconte-Lambert C, Leconte P, Borderies P, de La Giclais B. Comparison of the effects of zolpidem and flunitrazepam on sleep structure and daytime cognitive functions. A study of untreated unsomniacs. Pharmacopsychiatry. 1998 Jan; 31(1):14-8.

Kripke, D. F., Langer, R. D., & Kline, L. E. (2012). Hypnotics’ association with mortality or cancer: a matched cohort study. BMJ open, 2(1), e000850.

Uchimura N, Nakajima T, Hayash K, Nose I, Hashizume Y, Ohyama T, Habukawa M, Kotorii N, Kuwahara H, Maeda H. Effect of zolpidem on sleep architecture and its next-morning residual effect in insomniac patients: a randomized crossover comparative study with brotizolam. Prog Neuropsychopharmacol Biol Psychiatry. 2006 Jan; 30(1):22-9.

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Wellbeing

Silence Your Inner Mean Girl Once and For All

The need for praise starts at a young age. I’ve watched mothers feed babies and clap while exclaiming, “Yay!” when the baby accepts the mouthful happily. This is usually followed by a huge smile from the baby as she bounces and claps along. As the child ages, it takes more effort to receive the same amount of admiration. Tidying up a bedroom or drawing a pretty picture may elicit a coveted “good girl” remark from a parent.

By adolescence, the opportunities to really shine seem reduced to a perfect report card or acceptance to a good college. Somewhere in those early days, that inner mean girl begins to nag at you, telling you that you aren’t pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, or just plain “enough” for anything your heart desires. She bullies the best of us, but if we are lucky we can figure out how to shut her up.

Here’s how it started for me …

That particular week seemed more difficult than others. I remember sitting in a team meeting at work and for no reason, tears started welling up in my eyes. I discreetly left the room so that no one would notice and hid in a corner while I cried.

What was wrong with me?

For starters, I was exhausted. I was leading a big project at work, and I felt the need to be “on” 24/7. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d taken a day off. From time to time, I’d daydream about this destination spa that I’d discovered online nearly two years prior. I could practically feel the tranquility through the photos on the website. But there was that voice telling me that I didn’t deserve the time off, shouldn’t spend the money, and that successful people didn’t need a break. My fear of completely losing it must have outweighed the negative self-talk, because I made the decision to take the week off and head for the spa.

Desperate for a little Zen, I decided in advance that I was going to become a yoga devotee during my week away. I showed up for early morning yoga on the first day and found a spot near the front of the room. Class started.

Then something happened.

Instead of the instant bliss-fix that I had counted on, all I could feel was the pain and tightness in my back, hamstrings, and hunched shoulders. I felt angry, defeated, and sad as I let my inner mean girl beat me down. “You should be able to straighten your legs and do a perfect forward bend! You should be able to relax and open your heart like the instructor is telling you,” she shouted. I actually felt anger towards the instructor, as if she was the one demanding perfection from me. I couldn’t wait to get out of there!

Shortly after that class I met Sarah, my assigned personal trainer for the week. She was nice, but I could tell she was there to prove a point. She challenged me with heavier weights and encouraged me during the interval training she had designed for my session.

That 1:1 experience was exactly what I needed. Along with a little positive reinforcement, I was able to let go and be vulnerable. I started running on my own after that meeting with Sarah, and it was during those runs that I was able to start to feel freedom from the judgement of my inner mean girl.

One of my favorite quotes is from Norman Vincent Peale and says “You change your thoughts and you change your world.” Old habits die hard, and that nagging voice doesn’t go away overnight. Here are a few things that worked for me.

1)  Practice gratitude. Start by recognizing all of the good things in your life, no matter how small. When you approach your day looking for the good, you are less likely to focus on the negative. Some people write daily in gratitude journals so they can keep track of their blessings and go back and read previous entries on tough days.

2)  Treat yourself as you would treat your best friend. Would you tell your best friend that she isn’t good enough for something or that she is a lazy slob? Of course not! The next time negative self-talk starts, try responding with the same care and kindness that you’d readily give to your best girl friend.

3)  Accept your imperfections. To err is human. In fact, the most accomplished people in the world succeeded only after first failing many times. Instead of bashing yourself for messing up, look at the experience as an opportunity to learn, to grow, and to do better next time.

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Wellbeing

Whiten Yellow Nails at Home With These Amazing Hacks

Who doesn’t hate looking down at their nails only to find nasty yellow stains? You could always hide them in your pockets. I prefer a better, more permanent solution. I’ve made the horrible mistake of leaving my polish on too long only to remove it and find yellow looking nails. So how do I fix the problem?
Don’t worry. You don’t have to resort to chemicals or expensive treatments at a nail salon. Just dig through your kitchen and bathroom and you’re ready for gorgeous, whiter nails. Stop hiding your nails and try some of these amazing nail whitening hacks.
Prepare Your Nails
I know you’re excited to get rid of the yellow, but be patient. You have to prep your nails first. Spending just a few minutes on prep makes all of these hacks that much more effective.
Start by removing any polish and washing your hands. I know it’s scary leaving your nails bare right now, but they’ll be white soon. Grab your favorite nail buffer and buff each nail for a few seconds so the treatment penetrates deeper.
Now, you’re all prepped and ready to start whitening. See, it was quick and easy.
Lemon Juice to the Rescue
Lemons aren’t just for flavoring water and food. They’re your best friend for whiter nails. Okay, I need to throw in a quick disclaimer here. Lemons are acidic. If you have any dry, cracked skin around your nails, these treatments will sting a little.
My favorite part of using lemons is you have several lemon based treatments to choose from.
Keep it simple by putting lemon juice on a cotton ball and rubbing it on your nails. You could also just rub a lemon wedge on them instead. This is as simple as it gets. Plus, who doesn’t like a fresh lemony scent?
Leave the juice on 10 minutes or let it dry and stay on overnight. It’s completely up to you.
Need a deeper clean? Yeah, I’ve been there too. Just make a lemon paste from lemon juice and baking soda. Use a toothbrush to scrub onto your nails and wait for 10 minutes. Rinse and enjoy the thrill of whiter nails.
Brush Your Nails
Brushing your nails sound a little strange? Don’t brush off this idea just yet. I keep a travel sized tube of whitening toothpaste on hand just for cleaning my nails.
Get an old toothbrush and any whitening toothpaste. Brush your nails gently for a few minutes and let them sit for 5-10 minutes. Just like that, you have minty fresh nails that are white and shiny.
Buff Away Stains
If you’re really lucky, you might get to stop with the pre-treat stage. I usually wait too long, but if your nails are just starting to get a yellow tinge, it’s buffing time! Spend approximately 20-30 seconds per nail.
Don’t give in to the temptation to paint them all over again just yet. Give your nails some time to breathe. Not literally of course, but air helps prevent yellowing.
Denture Soak
You might not have denture tablets on hand, but they’re useful for more than just cleaning false teeth. Don’t be embarrassed to buy them. I’m always happy to tell cashiers about my DIY nail whitening treatment.
Prep the tablets based on the package. Try to buy whitening tablets. They’ll work much better.
Dip your nails in the denture soak and relax for 10-15 minutes. You might need to do this once a day for several days for full whitening.
White Vinegar for Whiter Nails
I know it smells, but it works so well. Besides, what’s worse? Smelling vinegar for a few minutes or hiding your nails all day? Vinegar it is.
Only do this with white vinegar or you’ll worsen the stain. Apply undiluted vinegar to a cotton ball and rub over your nails. Let your nails dry. If the smell bothers you, rinse after 10 minutes.
I prefer to soak my nails in a small bowl, but the smell is rather strong. Try it both ways to see which works best for you.
Hydrogen Peroxide Soak
No first aid kit is complete without hydrogen peroxide to clean the wound. The wonder disinfectant also whitens nails. I know, I was surprised at first too.
Mix three parts water with one part hydrogen peroxide and soak your nails for at least 10 minutes. Don’t worry if the water bubbles a little. This just means the solution is doing its job.
Deep Clean With Baking Soda
Your favorite odor eater is a natural nail whitener. Steal a little from your fridge to rid yourself of those icky yellow stains.
Mix water and baking soda until you get a thick paste. I always make mine extra thick so it stays on better. Rub it onto your nails and get ready for some quality TV time. This treatment has to stay on for 30 minutes. Plenty of time for your favorite sitcom.
Beautiful Nails With Strawberries
It’s so hard not to eat all the strawberries before they reach my nails. Go ahead and set a bowl to the side to snack on. All you need is three or four to treat your nails.
Strawberries don’t just whiten your teeth. They also whiten nails. I like the simple method best. Cut a strawberry in half and rub the inside against your nails.
If this doesn’t work for you, add in a power boost with baking soda. Smash three or four strawberries in a bow and mix with one teaspoon of baking soda. Apply to your nails and leave on for up to 10 minutes.
I love doing this as part of my mani-pedi. It smells wonderful and keeps my nails looking beautiful.
Essential Oil Saves the Day
We’ve made it back to lemons for this one. Skip the fruit this time and pick up some lemon essential oil. It’s a little less harsh, so I recommend trying this one if the other lemon treatments sting too much.
Add three drops to a small bowl of water and soak your nails for 10 minutes. Rinse when you’re done.
I know no one wants to think about fungal infections, but they do wreak havoc on nails. If the yellowing is from an infection, don’t fear. Use tea tree oil instead of lemon oil. You get a natural treatment for both the yellowing and the infection. It’s a win-win!
Prevent Yellowing
You’ve finally got the yellow stains gone. A week later and the stains are back. I’ve been there and it makes you feel helpless. It’s okay. I just changed up my nail care routine a bit and now yellowing is rare.
Find your favorite whitening treatment and use every time you remove your polish or after doing anything that tends to stain your nails.
I know you love your nail polish, but take a break now and again. Try not to leave any polish on for more than 10 days. Let your nails have a 24 hour vacation before you cover them up again.
Don’t forget to give yourself a regular manicure. The buffing portion removes build up so your nails stay cleaner and stains stay far away. Do all this and I promise you’ll notice less yellowing over time.
I challenge you to take your hands out of your pockets. Show off your nails with pride. A few quick whitening treatments and you’ll have white nails that’ll make all your friends jealous. What are you waiting for? Whiten those nails!

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Wellbeing

Are You Relationship Ready?

If I had to pick one question that I get asked most often by my patients it would be, “Am I ready for a relationship?” Week after week I sit with forlorn and lovesick people who are desperate to find love and terrified that they never will.
The inquiring minds on my couch want to know:
-Can I trust my judgment?
-Will I pick the wrong person and get hurt?
-Am I lovable?
-Will I ever meet that special someone?
Coming out of bad breakups, divorce, and toxic relationships, the men and women I see have eroded self-trust and a lack of confidence in their ability to find and sustain a healthy, loving relationship.
Most of us never get the education or role modeling we need when we’re young to manage our interpersonal relationships as adults. As a result we fumble and blindly stumble through relationship after relationship until we finally begin to realize that there might be a better way.
“Relational health” is not a familiar concept for most people, yet it’s the cornerstone of well-being for all of us.  Your relational health is defined as the quality of your interpersonal relationships with the barometer being your own sense of happiness.
As a human being, you’re wired for love and connection, and you were evolutionarily designed to connect and bond. Because of this you will do anything to feel connected, including engaging and staying in unhealthy dynamics to preserve the attachment to a partner.
In essence, your relationships are crucial to your survival in the same way a baby needs a caregiver to stay alive.
How did something that’s supposed to be so natural become such a struggle?
The reality is that we’re complicated and so are our lives. What we think we want and what we actually need are often very different. I have had patients come in with lists that look like scrolls containing all of the qualities and characteristics they’re looking for in a partner.
He has to be funny, responsible, kind, and handsome. She has to be fit, ambitious, witty, and artistic. This is what they’ve been taught to look for and value in another human being, and what they think will ultimately make them happy with that partner.
These are what I call the conscious qualities that we look for in someone, but there are unconscious qualities that live out of awareness. The unconscious qualities are not in consciousness because they have either never been brought to awareness or we don’t feel entitled to want them.
Below your conscious thinking lives a whole world of unmet needs, unwelcome feelings, and some of your own characteristics that were never appreciated or nurtured.
The truth is that most of us live as partial versions of ourselves and look for someone to complete us. We search for the missing pieces of our most authentic self in a potential partner with the hope that we will feel whole once we’re partnered and in a relationship.
This is the “you complete me” syndrome, where the hope of one or both partners is to become whole in the relationship.
Two halves usually make a whole, but when it comes to relationships each partner needs to be fully whole for optimal relational health. The most authentic and fulfilling relationships will come from finding the person who compliments and supports your most authentic self.
If you have an unconscious need for freedom you’ll do best with someone who can tolerate distance and your independence. If you unconsciously fear abandonment you will need to find someone who has the capacity to be present and available.
While this sounds fairly straightforward, it’s only possible to get this right if those unconscious needs, feelings, and parts of yourself are brought to awareness. When they remain repressed you unconsciously seek to repair your childhood wounds by re-enacting the same dysfunctional dynamics with a partner.
Instead of finding a stable and responsible partner you’ll find an unavailable partner and spend months or years trying to feel safe with someone who can’t give you what you need.
Taking the time for introspection and doing a deep dive to truly understand your relationship history is a first step toward relational health.
The high rate of divorce and the ever-increasing numbers of people waiting longer to get married tell us that rushing into a relationship is not always a good way to go.
If you have the time and patience in your life to actually prepare for your next relationship, you’ll increase your chances of sustaining a fulfilling and long-term partnership with someone who is good for you.
We all want to believe that love just happens, but it doesn’t.
You have to seek love, but you’ll never find it if you haven’t first found yourself. When you know yourself deeply, and when you can embrace your humaneness, loving another human being becomes possible.
Without introspection and a deep understanding of who you are and what you need, real love will evade you.

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Wellbeing

Ambien Alternatives To Put Your Mind and Body to Rest

There are plenty of risks associated with not getting enough sleep. At the same time, there are plenty of studies that Ambien, the most popular sleep aid in the country, has some pretty serious risks of its own. So, it feels a bit like a Catch-22. Perhaps the answer is not in a drug but in finding other ways to fall asleep and stay asleep.
Personally, I’ve found that diet and lifestyle choices affect my sleep more than anything else. Eating certain foods too late in the evening, or even eating a large meal can keep me from sleeping well. Alcohol certainly doesn’t help me sleep either. One glass of wine doesn’t hurt, but more than that and I’ll be tossing and turning instead of sleeping soundly.
Before resorting to medications that could cause more harm than good, try a few more natural approaches. Sure, everyone is different, but chances are, one or more of these simple tips will help ease you into the good nights sleep you deserve.

  • Be Good to Your Gut: Avoid eating large meals late in the day. This decreases the likelihood of heartburn or indigestion keeping you awake. [LL1] Keep dinner small and eat no later than two hours before bed.
  • Herbal Help: Drink an herbal tea before bed that includes a combination of tulsi, ashwagandha, chamomile, skullcap, and valerian root.  Valerian root alone is known to be a good sleep aid. The others help fight stress, making it easier to relax.
  • Take a Bath: The magnesium in Epsom salt helps relax muscles, and going from the warm bath to a cool room helps your body temperature drop. A lower body temperature actually helps you sleep better.
  • Cool the Room: You will fall asleep and sleep better in a colder room. Consider setting your thermostat timer to decrease the temperature by five degrees at bedtime. Alternatively, sleep with only a sheet and forgo the heavy blankets.
  • Lights Out: Cover any lights on your electronics with tape so that the light is not visible in the dark. Even the smallest light can keep you from sleeping well.
  • Screens Off: An hour before bed, turn off all electronics. The flickering and brightness of the screens will often prevent your brain from shutting down.
  • Dim Your Reader: If you read on an e-book device turn the brightness down as low as possible, and flip the colors so that you are reading white text on a black background.
  • Stock Up on Protein: If you often wake up hungry in the middle of the night, eat a small protein-rich snack just before going to bed. Avoid heavy carbs that will keep your stomach working. A handful of almonds, or macadamia nuts, is your best choice.
  • Exercise: Those who get regular exercise during the day (but not right before bed) typically report better sleep. Consider going for a brisk walk after dinner.
  • Stick to a schedule: When you have trouble sleeping it’s often easy to just try to stay up until you can’t stand it anymore, but that will actually make your sleep problems worse. Go to bed and get up at the same time every day.

I’d love to say that I stick to all of these religiously, but I don’t, which is probably why I end up taking Ambien occasionally. There are a few of these that even Ambien won’t overcome (like alcohol and eating too much).
I have found that sticking to a regular bedtime schedule and routine definitely helps me sleep better. About an hour before I want to be asleep I turn off the television and take a nice warm bath with Epsom salts, while drinking my herbal tea. After the bath I climb in bed with my tablet and read an ebook (white text on black background with the brightness set as low as possible) until I fall asleep. With any luck I stay asleep (more or less) until morning.
Do you have any other tips for improving sleep naturally? If so, share them in the comments below.

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Wellbeing

Mourning Fictional Characters Does Not Make You Crazy

I get really attached to fiction.

I felt deep, impending dread (*spoiler alert*) as Gus rapidly declines in John Green’s The Fault in Our Stars. I was a weeping willow when Ronnie’s ailing father writes her a final letter in Nicholas Sparks’ The Last Song. And I also seriously sat in a puddle of my own tears when Henry dies in Audrey Niffenegger’s The Time Traveler’s Wife.

And it’s not just books. It’s TV shows and movies, too. Just within the past month I had a serious scare… I’d finally recovered from losing Rachel, Ross, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and Monica back in ’04 when a couple similar rom-com-ish comedies popped up in 2012. So when FOX cancelled my favorite one, The Mindy Project, this season? Let’s just say that I held my breath for days until Hulu picked it up.

Grieving fictional characters isn’t uncommon — whether it’s their passing within the context of a show or book, or simply when their storylines up and end. Psychologists have found that, following these sorts of conclusions, people are often faced with an identity crisis: What now? How do I fill this hole in my life?

When Lost ended back in 2010, I suddenly had to fill that weekly timeslot and the hours and hours I spent post-airing dissecting the nuances and deeper meaning of every episode’s plot. When I was just a silly teenager, I may or may not have read and re-read the Twilight series because I couldn’t stand the thought of life without Edward Cullen. (Little misguided, yes, I will admit, but… ah, nostalgia.)

Researchers from American University discovered that TV megafans struggle in the wake of such fictional losses. “Fans who have come to really love and care for their ‘friends’ on TV experience their loss is just like real-life breakups,” explains researcher Cristel Russell. “This loss is dealt with in ways that are similar to physical loss by seeking others who feel the same way and finding ways to remember the good times they had when the show was alive.”

Sometimes you need to cry, sometimes you binge read or binge watch other stuff to fill the time, and sometimes you endlessly discuss the past with your fellow fangirls (or guys). All are acceptable. Some hardened folks might call people who lament the losses of fictional characters totally ridiculous. But personally, I think it’s perfectly okay.

Back in college, as an English major, I studied novels solely for their literary merit. I spent hours upon hours analyzing what messages could be gleaned from a single word in a story, or specific arrangement of sentences. We were taught to dissect the text line by line, aiming to understand how the language enhanced meaning or created mood.

I learned there was no room for emotional connection in great literature. But I was a bad student.

If a book doesn’t cause me to feel something in my chest or gut, somewhere down in my core, no matter what standing it occupies among my professors and other literary critics, I pretty much toss it on the trash heap. I couldn’t tell you where I was, what I felt or what I thought while reading any book or watching any TV show or film — unless it moved me, caused me to consider or tugged at my heartstrings.

I remember sitting in the back seat of my parents’ car as I closed Pride & Prejudice, realizing happily that I was a little headstrong like Elizabeth Bennett. I remember tearing up at the conclusion of Friends with my mom, as we watched the final shot of the gang exiting an empty apartment. And I remember walking out of the theater after the final Harry Potter film, thinking that my childhood had officially ended. It was sad. But it was also great.

Fiction should move you, making you think or feel or act. And there is nothing wrong with connecting to the human experience, fictional or real —  which is why you should never apologize for breaking down into tears at the end of a great work of art.

Good fiction accomplishes a range of outcomes, from considering deep philosophical questions to making you feel less alone in your experiences. You invest. You come to know the characters, you see the world from their perspective.

It’s a special form of connection, and the closest thing you’ll get to mind-reading: you see inside a character’s thoughts. It’s sort of like Atticus tells Scout early in To Kill a Mockingbird, something she only fully understands at the conclusion while standing on Boo Radley’s porch in the novel’s final moments. “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.

Which is kind of amazing. Really.

Fictional characters help remind us what it means to be human. And even though they’re not real, they lessons you learn as a result of knowing them certainly are.

So, you just cry it out. And then appreciate what that book (or movie or show) gave you.

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Wellbeing

Transracial Paradox: The Psychology Behind Racial Identification

The term ‘transracial’ has been discussed in the news a lot recently. Some people in the media are saying it’s synonymous with transgender. However, to compare the two (transracial and transgender) is impossible.

For starters, transracial is an adjective that describes a certain type of adoption process, not a person. Secondly, when discussing the association between multiple races it’s crucial that we know the difference between racial and ethnic identification.

It’s interesting how, in our culture today, the accessibility between our race and someone else’s is so fluid. Take the millennial generation for instance. How many kids have adopted the black culture even when they are not African-American? They mimic cultural facets like hip-hop, hairstyles, slang, and dress, which have all become acceptable by society.

But it can become problematic. Anita Thomas, a health and psychology researcher at Loyola University Chicago, reaffirms the difficulty that comes with racial identification. Many kids brought up in a culture that isn’t within their set ethnicity may feel that they can’t relate to people of their own race.

But where is the line between adopting a culture and completely identifying with one race over another?

Ample amounts of research reveal that most individuals recognize their socially assigned race, even if internally they relate with a differing ethnicity. So when do these feelings go too far, and why has “transracial” suddenly become a buzzword?

Rachel Dolezal, the former NAACP Spokane, Washington chapter president, has recently been under fire for claiming to be African-American. Consequently her favorite word is transracial; it’s the crutch to her entire story. Again, transracial is being used incorrectly in her argument since it refers to adoptions NOT the race you identify with most.

The fallout she’s been experiencing is due to her deceitful behavior and motive for advancing her career and placement within her community. Dolezal has participated in various interviews and shuts down the argument that her identification was for selfish purposes.

“[At five years old] I was drawing self-portraits with the brown crayon instead of the peach crayon and black curly hair, [that’s how I was identifying myself]…As much as this discussion has somewhat been at my expense recently, and in a very sort of viciously inhumane way come out of the woodwork, the discussion is really about what it is to be human. I hope that that can drive at the core of definitions of race, ethnicity, culture, self determination, personal agency and, ultimately, empowerment.”

Critics argue that entirely eliminating one’s previous race and assigning another to themselves is merely another element of white privilege, and that “even if someone identifies as another race, they have the luxury of dodging the burdens that come with.” (Essence)

In the past, African Americans who have lighter skin have passed as white to escape oppression. Overall, people are rather ambivalent regarding what race you identify with or even try to pass yourself off as. However, when you begin to completely deceive people for personal gain, this is when problems arise. “Someone who crosses racial boundaries from a privileged one to a marginalized one is much more likely to do so for political purposes or to profit from minority culture.” (The Guardian.com)

Let’s again take Dolezal. She appears to be benefiting from identifying as black without having to experience “a lifetime of racism,” and she’s able to shed this persona if and when she wants. Her actions would be counterintuitive if she didn’t have the option to relinquish her newfound identity.

On a lesser scale, rappers like Iggy Azalea, Riff Raff, and Eminem all benefit from the privilege of being white. They have culturally appropriated themselves through their lyrics and dialect. Iggy Azalea imbues her tracks with southern hip-hop, which consequently skyrocketed her to the top of the Billboard Hot 100 chart. Yet outside of her musical persona she’s just another white, blond woman who has cashed in on the popularity of our age’s obsession with hip-hop culture, which originated and is mainly populated by the African American culture.

So what exactly makes a person the ethnicity they claim to be?

Ethnicity is the makeup that someone receives from their family, society, and media. Your ethnicity could be virtually anything since it’s socially constructed.

Brandi Lindsey, a contemporary transracial expert describes how transracially adopted children struggle with ‘fitting in’ because of their appearance and cultural heritage. This is due to their ethnicity lying somewhere outside their assigned race.

Even though race is socially constructed as well, we don’t have the luxury of refusing our assigned race because many times it’s undeniable. Race comes with very real and concrete benefits and consequences.

So for a moment, let’s entertain the discussion of similarities between transracial and transgender. Proponents of the similarities between the two are stating that race and gender are both social constructs. And this is true. However the validity behind this argument stops there.

Race is based on genetics and biology. If your parents are black then you will be black, if your parents are hispanic then you will be hispanic. To get into the technicalities of biology would be incredibly tedious, but it’s based upon evolution and the regions our ancestors were from.

Gender is not based on biology; it’s a social construct used to differentiate between males and females.  This can easily be changed whereas changing races is only accessible to certain people.

To make this more clear lets say we have a black woman named Tiffany and she said that she was white, what would you say?  Chances are you’d laugh and not believe her…at all. Transitioning into a different race is a privilege only certain people can tap into. Now lets use Dolezal for another example. She is able to get a tan, a perm, and find certain outfits that help her assimilate into a different race. The difference between our friend Tiffany and Dolezal is that Dolezal can go home and wash off her bronzer, straighten her hair, and call it a day. Tiffany can’t wash off her race, and that’s something that isn’t defined by makeup.

There is no similarity between the two.

In conclusion, the common thread that’s become rather insidious in our society is utilizing the normative white privilege to further personal agendas. On the surface some of these racial identification complexes may seem innocent enough, but there is a deeper rooted psychological defect that needs to be investigated.  

Instances in history where a minority has attempted to visually morph into a dominant race has been used as a device for personal gain, whether it was to escape oppression or increase chances for opportunity. To say a person in a well established majority isn’t trying to access a benefit by assimilating into a traditionally oppressed race is false.

If people want to identify with a race other than their own they should be doing it with transparency and tact.  But truly, if we want to have a conversation in regards to identifying with a different culture it should be done in the context of ethnicity and race, not through the use of a term reserved for an adoption process. Racial identification is a complex issue that’s been wrought with struggle. However, topics like these frame positive conversations that can hopefully be filled with understanding and compassion.