Category: Wellbeing

Are You Demisexual? Here’s How To Tell

Post author By Joni Sweet
Post date July 13, 2018

Ever feel like your sexuality is, well, a bit muted compared to your friends? While they’re busy swiping right, gushing over hotties at the gym, and spilling the details of last night’s hookup, you’re struggling to see how they can get turned on so quickly by people they hardly know. It’s not that you never feel a spark—it just tends to happen after you’ve spent time building a strong emotional connection with someone first.
Well, there’s a name for that—it’s called demisexual, and it’s totally normal.
“[Demisexuality] is … a way of engaging in the world, just like being heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual,” explains Cyndi Darnell, a sex and relationship therapist in New York City.
Curious about whether you might be demisexual? We sat down with Darnell to learn about the signs of this sexual orientation, how it fits into the asexual community, and tips on dating when you crave that strong emotional connection.

What is demisexuality?

There once was a time when you had two options to define your sexuality: straight or gay. Obviously, sexuality has always been much more dynamic and vibrant than that—it’s a spectrum, after all—but now we actually have the language to describe it. One such word that has been popping up lately is demisexual. But what is demisexuality?
“While the name is new, demisexuality is a sexual orientation that has been around since people have been having sex,” says Darnell. “People who identify this way tend to not experience sexual attraction to any gender or any person until a strong emotional connection has been established—that’s the core thing.”

Is being demisexual the same as being asexual?

Sexual orientation and attraction aren’t black and white experiences. Picture a spectrum with sexuality on one end and asexuality on the other. Those in the space between often identify as “gray-asexual,” or not identifying as totally sexual or totally asexual. This space includes demisexual people.
[pullquote align=”center”]“People who identify this way tend to not experience sexual attraction to any gender or any person until a strong emotional connection has been established—that’s the core thing.”
—Cyndi Darnell, sex and relationship therapist[/pullquote]
“Not strictly a variation on asexuality, demisexuals still experience sexual attraction but in a way that centers on emotions rather than lust,” says Darnell.
Darnell estimates that about 1 percent of the population falls on the asexuality spectrum, and a portion of that group is demisexual. Understanding what this means for you can help give you a sense of belonging and provide meaning to your life, says Darnell.
“We use these labels to help identify ourselves in a community or give context to our experiences, which is especially important for people who feel that they don’t fit into mainstream boxes,” she adds.

Signs You Might Be Demisexual

While desiring a strong emotional connection with sexual partners is a pretty common experience, there’s a difference between that and actually requiring a bond before you can feel attraction at all, as tends to be the case with demisexuals. How can you tell if you’re actually demisexual?
“When it comes to sexual orientation, it’s difficult to say exactly how you know because, well, how do you know if you like pizza if you’ve never tried it?” says Darnell. “It’s really a process of coming to an awakening about yourself.”
The teenage years are typically the time that people start to notice and explore their sexuality. Remember when your classmates would decorate their bedrooms with posters of the pop idols and movie stars they thought were “cute”? If you found it challenging to understand exactly how someone could feel attracted to a person they’ve never met, that might be a sign you’re demisexual, explains Darnell.
Or maybe you find yourself deeply attracted to the personalities of people you’ve already befriended, putting their looks secondary. That primary attraction from a strong bond, rather than a hot bod, might also indicate that you’re demisexual.
“Demisexuals tend to notice that they only have those feelings of sexual attraction once they’ve developed some sort of connection to someone,” says Darnell. “They’ll be sitting around at a party, talking about who’s hot and who’s not, and they realize they don’t find anyone hot.”
A less fortunate way people tend to find out they’re demisexual is being regularly labeled as “prude” or “old-fashioned.” Your friends may have teased you that you wait too long to have sex with someone and that you don’t need to wait for “the one” to have some fun. But it’s not that demisexuals are afraid of sex or avoiding it—they just have to spend time building that strong emotional connection in order to get turned on by someone.
Tapping into the asexual community can be a helpful way to determine whether or not you’re demisexual. Darnell recommends exploring the forums of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) and related Facebook groups.
“These are places you can go and hang out with other people who have been in those communities a bit longer and see what the different options are. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach,” she says.

Dating as a Demisexual

Between random hookups and online dating, it seems like the world has become increasingly casual about sex. There’s nothing wrong with that—but where does that leave people who need that deep emotional bond to feel attracted to someone?
Fortunately, there are some ways to make it work for you. Here are some tips for dating as a demisexual.

Choose progressive online dating platforms.

Bumble and Tinder tend to be more focused on hooking up, which might not make them the best place for demisexuals to have dating success, says Darnell.
“More progressive sites have categories where you can choose demisexual as part of your identity. Choose dating sites that will fit the expectation that you need to get to know someone first, and you don’t want to go near sex on your first few dates,” she says. Try OKCupid or Match.com, where you can include more information about what you’re looking for.
[pullquote align=”center”]It will feel truly refreshing when you meet someone who not only respects your intentions but also embraces them in an effort to build a deep relationship with you.[/pullquote]
That being said, you don’t have to publicly label yourself as demisexual if you don’t want to. Feel it out, and embrace the approach that feels most comfortable to you.

Be open about your needs.

Regardless of whether or not you slap the demisexual label on your online dating profile, it’s important to express your needs to people you’re dating. Be upfront about your desire to get to know someone before you want to jump into bed with them. These are totally normal desires in the dating world for demisexuals as well as people all over the sexuality spectrum. Letting potential partners know what would be a meaningful romantic experience for you helps you both evaluate whether or not the relationship is a good fit.

Stay true to your intentions.

People have all different expectations when they enter the dating world. It’s important to determine your intentions and stay strong if someone tries to sway you in another direction.
“Do not allow yourself to be ambushed or bullied into doing something you don’t want to do,” says Darnell. “It’s hard, because no one wants to feel rejected, but if someone is going to rush you into something you don’t want, that person is not listening to you, and there’s a strong possibility that he or she is not going to be a good match for you, no matter what.”
And it will feel truly refreshing when you meet someone who not only respects your intentions but also embraces them in an effort to build a deep relationship with you.

Consider dating other demisexuals.

While demisexuals comprise only a small school of all the fish in the sea, they might be your best bet for finding a great partner.
“Finding other folks in the community and on the gray spectrum might be a better match for you,” says Darnell. “But remember, there’s lots of people who may not identify as demisexual, but value strong emotional connections. You can be many things at once.”
Sexuality is a fluid thing for many people. Pay attention to what feels right for you, and embrace that—even if it changes throughout your life.
“A demisexual’s responsive desire may change and shift along with the libido levels of people of many orientations. A person can have multiple orientations, so someone may identify as demisexual alongside a lot of other labels that can give definition to one’s erotic place in the world,” says Darnell.

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Healthy Relationships Wellbeing

Mr. Right (Enough): What Does It Mean To Settle?

Post author By HealthyWay Staff Writer
Post date July 13, 2018

Picture, for a moment, the perfect romance.
If you’re like us, your mind just built a quick movie, complete with an awkward introduction, a passionate first kiss (probably taking place at the quirky cupcake shop you own, because hey, a fantasy’s a fantasy), and a tear-jerking proposal. “They lived happily ever after, baking cupcakes and making love.” Roll credits, right?

In real life, things don’t always work out so cleanly. Your husband might have a few disgusting habits, he might be losing some hair, and he almost certainly won’t live up to the “man of your dreams” you’ve got in your head (after all, it’s pretty hard to live up to Idris Elba).
You’ll likely end up settling for someone who doesn’t check all the boxes of a “perfect” partner—and, contrary to what Hollywood wants you to believe, that’s totally fine.

For starters, you’re certainly not alone. According to one survey, about 73 percent of people say their “true love” got away. Those respondents said they settled for their current relationships. That means the vast majority of people are trying to make the best they can with who they’ve got.
If that sounds like bad news, keep this in mind: By settling for Mr. Right Now, you’re probably setting yourself up for a happier life.

“The media makes romance look easy,” Alisha Powell, PhD, a licensed clinical social worker, tells HealthyWay. “But honestly, it’s just two people who are willing to put in the work and create something where they both feel valued and understood. Fireworks don’t always happen, and friendships can last a lot longer than initial sparks, which go out quickly.”

That’s not to say that “love at first sight” always fails, but it’s not a great basis for a healthy adult relationship.

By the way, that initial spark certainly doesn’t last.

Let’s tackle the first problem with waiting for Mr. Right: If you’re relying on your body to tell you when you’ve found the perfect person, you’re making a mistake.

The feeling of love—those butterflies in your stomach, the sweaty palms, and the passion you feel when looking at your partner—lasts for about a year, according to research performed at the University of Pavia in Italy. A team led by clinical pathologist Enzo Emanuele found that romantic love was linked to levels of nerve growth factor (NGF), a chemical believed to be involved in the formation of new bonds.
In new relationships, participants experienced a spike of NGF; after about a year, however, their NGF levels were comparable to those of single people. In other words, even in the best relationships, that first wave of passion starts to fade over time. If you never felt that spark with your partner, that’s good news, in a sense, since you’re not really missing out on anything after about a year or so.
https://twitter.com/justahuman2b/status/987760171584802816
So to recap: Love (or the romantic feelings we associate with new love) is just a chemical, and the vast majority of people don’t marry their true love. Every Disney movie is a lie, and you’ll never marry into royalty.
That’s the bad news, but stay with us on this. It gets less depressing from here.

We also know that the security of a marriage can make people happier.

The good news is that—at least in most Western societies—a strong marriage can be enormously beneficial for your overall happiness, and factors like communication and flexibility are far more important than a storybook romance.

A 2017 paper found that married people reported higher life satisfaction than their single contemporaries, and a 2018 study found that couples became happier with their marriages over time, with happiness peaking around the 20-year mark. In other words, if you’re able to stay with the same person and put in the work, the relationship will likely improve over time.
And we’ve got plenty of research to show that marriages and other close relationships have a positive influence on overall health. The moral: If you want to live a healthy, happy, goal-driven life, find a suitable partner and start building your relationship.

“When we gathered together everything we knew about them about at age 50, it wasn’t their middle-age cholesterol levels that predicted how they were going to grow old—it was how satisfied they were in their relationships,” said psychiatrist Robert Waldinger in a popular TED Talk. Waldinger directed the Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest studies of adult life ever performed. “The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.”

So what really makes for a happy marriage?

Building a [linkbuilder id=”6740″ text=”happy marriage”] isn’t complicated, but it isn’t easy, either. You don’t need a perfect partner; you need a good friend with a decent work ethic and a sense of empathy.
[pullquote align=”center”]”There’s a common misconception that relationships are always 50-50, and that’s not the case. Sometimes it’s 80-20 or 60-40. What matters at the end of the day is that trust and commitment are present.”
—Alisha Powell, PhD, licensed clinical social worker[/pullquote]
For starters, you should have a partner who’s willing to work as hard as you. Generally speaking, marriages are stronger when both partners share roles and responsibilities. The National Survey of Marital Strengths found that role sharing is of “growing importance” in marriage satisfaction, so if you’d characterize your current relationship as unequal, it’s time to make a change.

However, Powell says that building an equal relationship doesn’t always mean splitting up chore lists; it’s more about understanding one another and applying consistent effort towards the relationship itself.
“There’s a common misconception that relationships are always 50-50, and that’s not the case,” she notes. “Sometimes, it’s 80-20 or 60-40. What matters at the end of the day is that trust and commitment are present. It takes a lot of work, and each partner has to decide every day that they want to be with the other person. It’s fun and can be fulfilling, but it also requires dedication. Tough times will either draw you closer to your partner or push you further away from them.”

Powell recommends looking for a few key characteristics in your potential lifemate. If your relationship is healthy from the start, you won’t have to do as much work to keep the marriage healthy.
“Mutual respect, shared goals and values, trust, and commitment [are] factors that are present in every successful and healthy relationship,” she says. “Each couple has to decide what works for them and act accordingly. Communication about areas of disagreement is also important and should be free of defensiveness and criticism in order to maintain a healthy relationship.”

Yeah, yeah, we know; at this point, everyone knows communication is important. Still, research backs that up, and the National Survey of Marriage Strengths found that communication, flexibility, closeness, and conflict resolution—in that order—are the most effective categories for predicting marriage strength. Note that “complete and total perfection” isn’t one of the categories.

Relationships take work. That’s why “settling” isn’t always settling.

Sure, you could wait around for the perfect person to sweep you off of your feet, but you’re going to be waiting for quite a while—and even if you find someone who checks all of the boxes, you’re still going to have to put in the work.

Sometimes, it’s (gasp) better to settle for someone who checks most of those boxes. They might have a few annoying habits, and they might not find themselves modeling underwear anytime soon, but that’s not what makes a relationship worthwhile anyway.
[pullquote align=”center”]”It’s not outdated to expect to be attracted to your partner. It’s just possible that it may not be at first sight. We all might want those initial butterflies—but they may come over time.”
—Alisha Powell, PhD, licensed clinical social worker[/pullquote]
“It’s important to remember that everyone has baggage,” says Powell, “and whether it’s from [linkbuilder id=”6741″ text=”past relationships”] or from childhood, it still exists. It’s important to look for ways to grow with your partner and learn how to support each other. Consider where you want to be as a person long-term, and decide if the person you’re with is complementary to your goals and aspirations. Don’t be afraid to have conversations about sensitive topics, and be honest about how you feel without being accusatory.”
Maybe “settling” is the wrong term. Powell says building a healthy relationship simply means taking the time to look past your partner’s faults and to work with them on building your relationship. We’d call that “foundation building.” That sounds nicer, right?

And before we receive thousands of angry emails, we’d like to make this point clear: Settling certainly doesn’t mean starting a long-term relationship with someone who doesn’t interest you in the slightest. You should have a mutual attraction, even if you never felt a spark during the early days of your courtship.
“It’s not outdated to expect to be attracted to your partner,” Powell says, “It’s just possible that it may not be at first sight. We all might want those initial butterflies—but they may come over time. And you want your partner to also be attracted to you. It’s important to recognize when you are not attracted to someone in any way and [to] not force something that will never happen.”

With that said, instead of waiting for perfection, learn to look past the occasional flaw. Look for someone who communicates effectively—someone who’s stable, kind, and ready to work with you. That approach helps you build a love that’s far stronger and more rewarding than that first spark of attraction. Real love takes much more work than you’d see in any 90-minute rom-com, and that’s love, actually.

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Health x Body Wellbeing

Symptoms Of Crohn's Disease That Should Not Be Ignored

Post author By Jeanne Sager
Post date July 12, 2018

When Heather Sliwinski is out in public, people don’t see her as sick. The Crohn’s disease symptoms and side effects that can make living with the chronic condition debilitating at times are largely invisible.
“I’ve been sitting on the bus before on a bad day—in pain and sick—and told by a stranger that I shouldn’t be sitting, that I should give up my seat to someone else who needs it because I’m a younger, seemingly healthy individual,” the PR professional from San Francisco says. “What they couldn’t see is that I was in pain, sick, and terrified that I may have an accident. Who wants to tell a stranger that they have diarrhea to justify taking up a seat on the bus?”
An estimated 1.6 million Americans are walking around with some type of inflammatory bowel diseases (IBD), a classification that includes both Crohn’s and colitis. These diseases are typically diagnosed before someone hits their thirties, and they’re chronic. There is no cure for Crohn’s.
And yet, myths about Crohn’s disease, its symptoms, and what will happen to those diagnosed run rampant. Here’s what the experts say is really going on in the gastrointestinal tract of people like Sliwinski and what to do if you think you might be experiencing symptoms of Crohn’s disease.

What is Crohn’s disease?

Before you can consider whether or not you have Crohn’s disease, you need to know what Crohn’s disease is, right?
Ramona Rajapakse, MD, a gastroenterologist and director of the Inflammatory Bowel Disease Center (IBD) at Stony Brook Medicine, describes Crohn’s as an inflammatory condition of the gastrointestinal (GI) tract, the system of organs that stretches from the mouth all the way to the anus.
Although sometimes confused with colitis, which refers to an inflammation of the inner lining of the colon, Crohn’s disease is its own separate condition. Setting it apart from colitis are a number of factors, including the fact that Crohn’s can affect all layers of the bowel wall and can appear anywhere along the GI tract. What’s more, Crohn’s disease can do something doctors call “skip,” meaning there may be sections of the bowel affected by Crohn’s with perfectly healthy, normal tissue in between them.

What causes Crohn’s disease?

Despite the large numbers of Crohn’s sufferers in America, the cause of the disease still stumps doctors, says Meenakshi Bewtra, MD, a gastroenterologist and assistant professor of medicine at the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania.
“We really don’t understand what causes Crohn’s disease (CD), but we currently believe it is an interplay between some unidentified environmental factor, a dysregulated immune system, a change in the gut microbiome, and some genetic factors,” Bewtra says. “Unfortunately, we haven’t figured out what any one of these are, let alone what combination causes CD. So I try and also make sure that [patients know they] did nothing to cause this—either to themselves or to their children. They are not responsible for this.”
The one and only risk factor that doctors can point to is heredity: There’s a higher incidence of Crohn’s for people who have a family member with the disease. And yet, even having a parent, grandparent, or sibling with the disease is no guarantee that you’ll end up with a Crohn’s diagnosis, nor does everyone with Crohn’s have a family history to report to their doctor.
People with Crohn’s disease often ask Bewtra if the disease can be passed on to their children, and to that she says absolutely not.
“While there does seem to be some genetics at play, I caution against not having children if that is something a patient wants simply because they fear passing on CD,” she says. “There are plenty of children with CD who do not have parents with CD, and there are plenty of parents with CD who do not have children with CD.”

What are the Crohn’s disease symptoms to look for?

Crohn’s disease can be silent for a long time before someone, or their doctors, make the connection and reach a diagnosis. This is in part because symptoms vary from patient to patient, Rajapakse says.
When Amanda Semenoff was finally diagnosed with Crohn’s disease more than a decade ago, she realized the symptoms had been present and slowly creeping up for a long time.
“Diagnosis took more than two years, and my symptoms were pretty extreme by the time they figured it out,” the mediator from New Westminster, British Columbia, tells HealthyWay. In that time, Semenoff had lost more than 100 pounds and found herself too weak to climb stairs without lying down about halfway up to rebuild her strength.
Even now, she has fuzzy memories of those two years due to a perpetual brain fog, coupled with stomach ulcers, bleeding rectal fissures, and near constant vomiting.
For Sliwinski, the path to diagnosis was even longer and likewise fraught with complications.
“The onset of my symptoms was in 2010. I was managing, and I had been told by my primary care physician that I had irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), so I was used to having multiple bowel movements a day,” she recalls. “But it got to the point where I couldn’t finish a meal without having to run to the bathroom.”
A year after the onset of symptoms, she landed in the hospital with high fever, extreme abdominal pain, and diarrhea. When she noticed blood in her stool, Sliwinski says she knew there was something more than IBS going on. Still, it wasn’t until 2013 that she finally got the answer: Crohn’s disease.
While the effects of Crohn’s do vary from person to person, the Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation suggests keeping an eye out for the following Crohn’s symptoms:

Persistent diarrhea
Rectal bleeding
Urgent need to move bowels
Abdominal cramps and pain
Sensation of incomplete evacuation (of your bowels)
Constipation (can lead to bowel obstruction)
Fever
Loss of appetite
Weight loss
Fatigue
Night sweats
Loss of normal menstrual cycle

Although it’s typically diagnosed in one’s twenties or thirties, Crohn’s can show up in younger kids as well, and failure to grow is a major indicator, says Ashkan Farhadi, MD, a gastroenterologist at MemorialCare Orange Coast Medical Center and director of MemorialCare Medical Group’s Digestive Disease Project in Fountain Valley, California.

How is Crohn’s disease diagnosed?

Crohn’s can take months or even years to diagnose in part because it manifests itself differently from patient to patient. But it’s also a complex condition to diagnose, Farhadi says.
Crohn’s disease is diagnosed based on a series of tests. First, Farhadi says, there are clinical findings—basically examination by a doctor and review of your medical history. Next a potential Crohn’s patient will undergo imaging, be it CT scan or MRI. Typically an endoscopy—a procedure in which the digestive tract is viewed via a miniscule camera inserted into the tract (or sometimes swallowed by a patient)—will be done to give doctors a look at what’s going on in the GI tract. Finally, biopsies may be taken, and the tissues will be reviewed to determine if there’s inflammation or other issues.
In addition to the GI tract itself, a doctor may look at other parts of the body. That’s because Crohn’s disease is what Bewtra calls a full-body disease. “There are other parts of the body such as the eyes, liver, bones, etc. that can also be affected, sometimes even if the patient feels otherwise well,” she notes.

What happens if you’re diagnosed with Crohn’s disease?

A Crohn’s diagnosis is a major step to feeling better, but just how quickly you will get there depends on the severity of the disease.
Typically the first step is medication, Farhadi says. Short-acting steroids may be used in order to get the inflammation of the GI tract to calm down, offering relief from pain. Other medications prescribed, called immuno-modulators, may be focused on getting the body’s immune system in check.
“It’s an autoimmune disease; the immune system is acting against its own GI tract,” Farhadi explains.
For some patients, diet and other lifestyle changes will be necessary to help the gut heal. Those changes could be temporary or long-term.
Surgery is typically kept as a last resort, but it’s also on the table for some patients with Crohn’s disease. Sometimes that means taking out an inflamed section of the GI tract, Farhadi says. Other times it means going in to perform a stricturoplasty, a procedure that removes scar tissue in the intestinal tract that has built up due to chronic inflammation. Removing that tissue can help waste flow more smoothly through the bowels and reduce a patient’s pain.
The most common surgery for Crohn’s disease is the treatment of a fistula, a tunnel created when inflammation works its way through the walls of the intestines.
For Semenoff, treatment was long and extreme.
“It took three years for me to get to functioning at all,” she recalls. “Hospitalizations, procedures, all kinds of crazy medications and weird diets, journaling, massage therapy, supplements, and many doctors. Some of it worked, but in some spaces it isn’t as obvious. My Crohn’s is now mostly in remission and controlled by avoiding my trigger foods, some fasting, and basic self-care.”
Remission is exactly what doctors shoot for when they treat people with Crohn’s disease. “We don’t cure it,” Rajapaske says. “We control it.”
It’s a disease that waxes and wanes, she adds. Weeks, months, or even years with no pain or intestinal issues can be followed by what’s called a flare-up, a sudden reactivation of symptoms. Sometimes patients can go for lengthy periods of times living medicine-free or eating what they want, but they’ll need to return to their doctor for treatment if Crohn’s rears its ugly head again.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Despite all of this—and it is scary and overwhelming—our primary goal in IBD care is to make sure that the patient can live the life they want to live.”
—Meenakshi Bewtra[/pullquote]
“When someone is in a flare … they can have terrible abdominal pain—it’s hard to describe how it feels, but it is relentless,” Bewtra says. “Sometimes it feels better temporarily after going to the bathroom, but it always comes back. They can go to the bathroom every hour—even though sometimes they only pass a little mucus or maybe some blood. They are fatigued and may even have a low grade fever. They cannot participate in normal activities—they simply do not feel well enough.”
It’s a fact that Slewinski knows all too well, but she’s found power in taking charge of her own health. Being diagnosed with Crohn’s has given her the tools she needed to go the next step and find the treatments that work for her body.
“I still have bad days here and there, but the good days greatly outweigh the bad. I can’t guarantee these therapies will work for everyone, in whole or in part, but I’ve learned to become the CEO of my own health, so to speak, and that has helped me figure out a mix of treatments that work for me,” she says. “So eight years into my IBD, I’m managing with diet and lifestyle changes, as well as keeping my anxiety in check, since we know the gut/brain connection is strong. I’m always looking at other alternative therapies that could improve my quality of life.”

How can you get help with Crohn’s disease?

Diagnosis of Crohn’s disease is typically made by a gastroenterologist, so if you think you have Crohn’s disease symptoms, it’s best to talk to your general practitioner about a referral.
Bewtra not only treats the disease but also battles Crohn’s herself, and she encourages her patients to be open and honest with their doctors.
“Despite all of this—and it is scary and overwhelming—our primary goal in IBD care is to make sure that the patient can live the life they want to live,” she says. “I really try to emphasize that there may be times of greater challenge, times when goals may need to be put on hold, but every physician I know tries to emphasize that our goal is that they live the life they want, be it volunteering in a [developing] country, working in a hospital, teaching preschool, running a business, etc.”
If you are diagnosed, the road ahead doesn’t have to be walked alone. The Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation offers online support groups as well as information on how to find in-person groups in your area. The foundation also runs a program called Team Challenge, a fundraising effort to not only help provide services to people with Crohn’s disease but also to fund research.
“The program has become more than just a fundraising and advocacy effort for me, but an extended family for a shoulder to lean on when times get tough,” Slewinski says. “I’m sure anyone else who has found the organization would say the same thing.”

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Wellbeing

Understanding And Overcoming Emotional Trauma

Post author By Michael Taylor
Post date July 11, 2018

While it’s tempting to think of emotional trauma as something that affects a small, unfortunate subset of the population, it’s an inaccurate assumption. In fact, this dismissal is part of the problem. There is a stigma associated with those suffering from trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that impedes their recovery, allowing shame and victim-blaming to diminish their experiences.

Perhaps if we recognized how common trauma is, we would be less afraid to discuss it. The statistics are sobering: According to the U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs, “Approximately 70 percent to 90 percent of adults aged 65 and up [living in the U.S.] have been exposed to at least one potentially traumatic event during their lifetime.”
Adults aren’t alone in this regard—a 2011/2012 survey from the Data Resource Center for Child and Adolescent Health said nearly 35 million U.S. children aged 17 years and younger have experienced trauma in some form.

Given the majority of us have experienced a traumatic event, we must also realize that keeping it a secret, ignoring it, or trying to marginalize it only makes things worse. To move past it, or to at least keep it under control, there are plenty of treatment options, many of which we’ll discuss here.
So, let’s explore the different types of trauma and how they can be treated, along with the stories of people like Kristin Rivas, state-certified counselor and hypnotherapist, who not only confronted and triumphed over her own personal traumatic experience, but now dedicates her life to helping others in similar situations.

“Since my recovery, I’ve been committed to paying my health and healing forward,” she says, “by empowering others when I’m counseling or speaking, teaching mental health practices that I’m sure would have prevented my quarter-life crisis, as they say.”

Types of Emotional Trauma

Before you can treat emotional trauma, you need to identify what type you’re experiencing, as there are a variety of issues that can contribute to the condition.
While trauma can come from a variety of factors, the most common causes are abuse or assault—be it physical or emotional—from isolated events with strangers or from family, friends, and romantic partners.

In addition, experiencing a serious accident, surgery, or illness, witnessing a natural or man-made catastrophic event or tragedy (including military incidents), or grieving the loss of a loved one can cause trauma. Even history can lead to trauma, negatively impacting an entire community. This includes experiences like systemic racism, which can be transmitted across multiple generations.
Neglect is another contributing factor, according to Anahid Lisa Derbabian, licensed professional counselor. It’s particularly devastating to children.

“Emotional trauma comes in so many shapes, sizes, and situations. A subtle way may be when a mother is stressed and does not give her child the emotional availability, sensitivity, or compassion that she deserves, which leaves her feeling less than,” she says.
“It occurs when a busy father returns home, only to watch TV or get on the internet instead of to give his lonely son the time and attention that he longs for, which leads to him growing into a man who always is longing for something or someone.”

The Symptoms of Trauma

Now that we know some causes of trauma, the next step is to identify how they manifest, as symptoms can vary widely from person to person. The University of New England has even produced a trauma checklist to help identify symptoms for those wondering if they should seek treatment.
“Trauma manifests in many ways, including nightmares, easy startle response, increased anxiety, and fear,” says Scott Dehorty, LCSW-C, a licensed social worker and executive director of Maryland House Detox at Delphi Behavioral Health. It can often be distinguished by shock, denial, confusion, irritability, and depression.

A sense of isolation is also common. The shame many survivors feel causes them to withdraw from activities with others. “[This can also lead to an] inability to form close relationships,” Dehorty says.
Karen Carlucci, licensed clinical social worker, who not only treats trauma, but also dealt with it firsthand after the passing of her fiancé in 2001, says during her recovery, “[I often felt] like a foreigner in my own life. Nothing made sense. I was lost. …[I had] the sense that I was waiting to wake up from a bad dream. …I was uncomfortable no matter what I did and felt alone no matter who I was with.”

That last sentence marks an important distinction, as trauma symptoms aren’t strictly psychological. They can be physical as well, often presenting as fatigue, racing heartbeat, headaches, muscle aches and tension, dizziness, insomnia, and flashbacks.
These symptoms can also be present in PTSD, the most extreme response to trauma. People can experience PTSD for months or years after the initial traumatic event took place.
This was the case for Rivas who, in addition to surviving assault, struggled with the loss of her sister during college. “I had repressed my emotions … when I was a freshman in college and became as busy as possible, working part-time while going to school full time and committing to a bunch of extracurricular activities. …But suddenly, one day, my health fell apart.”

Rivas exhibited a less-discussed symptom of trauma known as conversion disorder (aka functional neurological disorder), which can cause numbness, blindness, or paralysis.
In Rivas’ case, she experienced non-epileptic seizures up to nine times a day, forcing her to use a wheelchair and wear a helmet for her safety.
While less-known to the public, a 2017 study showed a strong correlation between conversion disorder and childhood trauma: Between 50 and 55 percent of respondents named a stress factor as a trigger.

How Women Experience Trauma

While gender doesn’t determine who can experience trauma, women are more at risk. Rivas has seen this firsthand. “My practice is made up of approximately 60 percent women and 40 percent men,” she says. “I tend to do way more trauma clearing with my female clients, even if they came to see me for a seemingly unrelated issue such as weight loss or goal achievement. The traumas also tend to be more intense, and they tend to experience more consecutive traumas.”

According to a 2017 study from the European Journal of Psychotraumatology, “The lifetime prevalence of PTSD is about 10–12 percent in women and 5–6 percent in men.”
Rivas agrees: “Women have a higher risk of developing PTSD than men do, with a woman’s risk being around two to three times higher than a man’s. …Women, in general, are more exposed to trauma from a younger age than men.”
Hesitation to seek help can often worsen trauma symptoms in women. “Survivors often wait years to receive help, while others never receive treatment at all,” wrote the American Psychological Association on their website. This can eventually lead to a cumulative effect of mental and physical health implications.

“In regard to the disorders I used to suffer from, I’m aware of much higher rates in women versus men,” Rivas says. “Within their lifetime, women are twice as likely to suffer from somatic symptoms and conditions such as fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, IBS, and functional neurological disorder.”

Options for Trauma Therapy

While dealing with trauma can feel overwhelming and hopeless, there are a variety of treatments to help conquer or manage symptoms. But Dehorty says the first step is acknowledging you need help: “The most important aspect to recovering from trauma is a willingness to get better. …It is also important to accept help from others, including loved ones. Trauma therapy is a specialized practice, and one should only seek treatment from a trained professional.”

Derbabian stresses the importance of listening to trauma survivors. “[Give them] the necessary time and space to share,” she says. “…Do not talk at or lecture to them. Help them to ground themselves in the present if they are living in past hurts and guide them to a therapist.”
Examples of trauma treatments include pharmacotherapy, which uses medications to manage symptoms, exposure therapy, which has the subject confront the source of their trauma in a controlled environment, and group therapy. “[Group therapy is] powerful in providing the opportunity to relate and share in a certain type of suffering which can empower participants to face what they have endured and overcome its debilitating effects,” says Carlucci.

Other recognized treatments include trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy, which is primarily targeted at helping children suffering from trauma and PTSD, and hypnotherapy, which uses hypnosis and suggestion to improve patients’ mental state—Rivas uses hypnotherapy in her own practice.

She also endorses biocognitive therapy. “[Biocognitive therapy] addresses the impact of cultural paradigms and the traumas or fears of being shamed, abandoned, betrayed, and rejected during your developmental years as it relates to your health and behaviors,” she says.

Write your own recovery.

In addition to seeking out therapy, those trying to recover from trauma can find relief in a variety of other methods. “Mindfulness, meditation, and yoga,” Dehorty says, “have been shown effective with healing trauma.” Even opening yourself to fun activities and experiencing (or creating) music can prove therapeutic.
Writing is another powerful tool to heal from trauma. Alex Harkola, who suffered from a severe childhood trauma, found it so helpful for his own recovery that he created Novni, which he describes as “an online writing and support platform for better mental health.” Now one of the top-ranked anonymous platforms for mental health support, Novni boasts users and participants from dozens of countries.

“There is great power in getting all the messy thoughts out of your head and into words,” Harkola says. “Throw all care for proper grammar to the side, and write your heart out. Don’t just take my word for it. There are proven therapeutic health benefits from writing, and, at the very least, it should help you de-stress. If you’re carrying an untold story within you, especially as it relates to some sort of emotional trauma you experienced, writing can help.”
This can also be helpful in creating a dialogue with others, he says: “Talking about your trauma to friends or family can be daunting at first. Think of writing as a test-run to help you visualize your thoughts first until you are comfortable enough to open up to someone you trust. The more you tell your story, the easier it becomes to process and eventually overcome.”

In addition to writing, Harkola adds that one of the most important ways to overcome trauma is through forgiveness: “Being able to forgive the person that caused you the emotional trauma might be the most important thing you can do of all. …As long as you continue to allow the emotional and/or physical damage to consume your life, the person who caused you this harm will have power over you and hold you back from living your highest life. Forgiveness is for you to regain your power, free your hardened heart, and mentally accept the fact that the past cannot be undone.”
And one of the most important people to forgive for your trauma is yourself. It’s not your fault, and making peace with yourself can help with the journey ahead. For Rivas, accepting and surviving her trauma has inspired her to share her story.
“My greatest goal is to empower more people,” she says, “especially youth, professionals, and parents, with greater understanding and skills for their own mental health and well-being.”

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Health x Body Wellbeing

The Candida Diet: Can You Eat Your Way To Better Gut Health?

Post author By Joni Sweet
Post date July 10, 2018

So you’ve got yourself a problem with yeast. Perhaps you were diagnosed with oral thrush or a vaginal yeast infection—conditions that are typically cleared up with anti-fungal medications from the pharmacy. But the drug store isn’t the only place to find potential solutions to yeast-related health issues.
Some people have started looking at natural remedies from the grocery store to address this common problem. Enter the candida diet—an eating plan specifically designed to rebalance your digestive bacteria after a candida overgrowth.
Candida overgrowth is often believed to be the result of an imbalance in gut flora, so it makes sense that dietary changes could help ease the problem. But does the candida diet actually work?
According to Kendra Becker, a naturopathic doctor and author of A Delicious Way to Heal the Gut, the candida diet can be an effective treatment for a yeast overgrowth in the body. She says that cutting out the foods that feed the bacteria can kill off candida overgrowth and alleviate a range of conditions that some people associate with candida, including urinary tract infections, joint pain, and skin infections.
As Becker explains, the candida diet is “also sometimes prescribed after chemotherapy,” because chemo can cause susceptibility to fungal infections or even systemic candidiasis.
A number of people also credit the candida diet with helping ease an array of other issues, including brain fog and chronic fatigue. But there’s limited research about whether those particular symptoms are actually related to yeast overgrowth, making the candida diet a controversial treatment option for a controversial diagnosis.
Eating your way to better gut health sounds great, but it’s important to look at the research before using any diet to heal specific symptoms. To learn more, we asked Becker why she prescribes the candida diet to patients, how the eating plan works, and whether it’s safe to cut out major food groups for the long term.

What’s the deal with candida?

Our bodies have a variety of bacteria and fungi that help keep us healthy. One such fungus is Candida albicans, which is normally found in the digestive tract and other areas of the body, such as on the skin and mucous membranes, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).
While candida yeast doesn’t typically harm us, an overgrowth of the organisms can cause infections in parts of our bodies, most typically in the mouth and vagina. The most severe infection, known as invasive candidiasis, can affect the blood, heart, and other critical body parts. Although it could land you in the hospital, invasive candidiasis is a pretty rare condition.
Some medical professionals also attribute candida overgrowth to tiredness, fatigue, mood swings, and other neurological issues. Science has yet to demonstrate whether there is a connection, although one study from 1995 found a possible link between chronic intestinal candidiasis and a weakened immune system, which in turn is a potential reason for fatigue. On the flip side, another study found no relation between chronic fatigue syndrome and yeast overgrowth.
One thing is clear: There is considerable debate about whether a diagnosis of candida overgrowth is based on solid science. We’ll need to wait for researchers to conduct more studies on the effects of candida overgrowth before the medical community can come to an agreement on the controversial side of candidiasis.

What causes candida overgrowth?

When your candida levels are in check, your body is probably functioning normally and you’d never even know the yeast was there. So what causes candida levels to go out of whack?
“A number of things can cause candida overgrowth. The person might have taken a lot of antibiotics or pharmaceuticals … [or be] eating too much sugar or drinking too much alcohol,” says Becker.
Some healthcare practitioners will test for a candida overgrowth by looking at the levels of specific antibodies in your blood, using a comprehensive stool test, or checking for candida waste in your urine. If you suspect that you have a candida infection, make an appointment with your physician, who can help you decide whether a candida diet can treat your condition.

Trying the Candida Diet

So you think you might have a candida overgrowth and want to eat your way out of it. What’s on your plate if you decide to try the candida diet?
Fundamentally, the candida diet is rooted in three main eating principles: reduction of sugar (to cut off the food supply to candida), introduction of probiotics (which fill the gut with good bacteria), and consumption of fermented foods (which have anti-fungal properties that can kill candida).
The Candida Diet website, which is run by Lisa Richards, co-author of The Ultimate Candida Diet Program, explains that the eating plan can be divided into three phases.
The first step is an optional “cleansing phase,” during which followers eat a very strict diet of mostly raw salads, steamed vegetables, and some herbs, oils, and spices, along with lots of water and what the website calls “some detox drinks.”
Some people start at phase two, which is less restrictive than the cleanse. You stop eating foods with added sugar, many fruits and starchy veggies, and caffeine, as these can cause the candida to continue to grow. Grains (like buckwheat and quinoa), fresh salmon, healthy oils (like olive and coconut), some artificial sweeteners, and herbal tea are permitted during this phase.
You’re encouraged to eat anti-fungal foods, like onion, garlic, cayenne pepper, and seaweed. This stage of the candida diet also recommends eating probiotics like yogurt and kefir.
What’s not allowed on the candida diet? There’s a long list of foods you should avoid. You’ll need to stay away from high-sugar fruits (like bananas and mango), glutinous grains (like wheat), “toxic meats and fish” (such as pork and tuna), most condiments, alcohol, and a range of other foods you probably have in your pantry right now. The idea is to switch to a diet that promotes good gut health and creates an environment that kills off bad bacteria.
After your candida levels are in check, you’ll move on to stage three, which involves reintroducing previously eliminated foods. You’ll start with low-sugar fruits, like berries, and some beans. If your candida symptoms are still under control, you’ll slowly start eating a wider variety of foods. Generally, you’re encouraged to maintain a relatively low-sugar diet with limited junk foods going forward.
[pullquote align=”center”]“If you do the candida diet for a couple of weeks and then go back to eating a bunch of junk, you’ll get a lot of inflammation.”
—Kendra Becker, ND[/pullquote]
“If you do the candida diet for a couple of weeks and then go back to eating a bunch of junk, you’ll get a lot of inflammation,” says Becker.
How long each stage lasts—or whether you move through stages at all—really depends on your specific health profile and your healthcare provider’s recommendations. Keep in mind that the candida diet is a short-term change—not a lifelong eating plan. Becker prescribes it for it anywhere from two weeks to nine months, depending on her patients’ health goals.
“If someone’s really sick or resistant to the diet, you can offer it in stages,” explains Becker. “Most people will start feeling much better after following the diet for three to five days, but you generally need to do it longer than that if you want to feel better for the long term.”
The diet plan can be a pretty big change from what you’re eating now. As you make the transition, you might feel lousy, kind of like you have the flu. Between the physical effects and the severe restrictions, the candida diet might not be right for everyone.
“The candida diet is very limiting. You won’t be able to easily eat in restaurants, so it gets difficult for people who are social around food. If you work a high-stress job or can’t eat in regular intervals, it can also be a challenge. Also, not everybody has the flexibility to feel like crap for a few days. You might not be able to work or care for children, and that can be a hard pill to swallow,” says Becker.
If a patient’s lifestyle prevents them from following the traditional candida diet, Becker makes modifications. Even just adding anti-candida foods to whatever you’re eating now can help reduce a candida overgrowth, she says.
“You have to meet patients where they’re at,” she says. “It can be a useful diet, but it’s incredibly restrictive.”

Giving Candida the One–Two Punch

The candida diet is just one potential way to address yeast issues. Depending on how a yeast infection is affecting your health, your doctor may also prescribe antifungal ointments, topical antiseptics, and dietary supplements to kill off unwanted candida. In conjunction, your healthcare provider may also recommend trying an anti-itch cream, throat lozenge, or other remedies to relieve candida-related symptoms.
[pullquote align=”center”]“I tend to believe that food is medicine, so I’d rather heal patients through diet and give opportunities to add certain foods to their diet than to focus on supplements.”
—Kendra Becker, ND[/pullquote]
“I tend to believe that food is medicine, so I’d rather heal patients through diet and give opportunities to add certain foods to their diet than to focus on supplements,” says Becker.
Before trying any diet or treatment plan, it’s worth working with a qualified health professional to make sure it’s right for you. Start by making an appointment with your doctor to discuss your concerns and your health goals.
Whenever you’re cutting out major food groups, you should also consider consulting with a registered dietitian to ensure that you’re still getting all the essential vitamins and nutrients.

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Health x Body Wellbeing

Menstrual Cup 101: All Of Your Awkward Questions—Answered

Post author By Sian Ferguson
Post date July 9, 2018

A mere decade ago, most people thought they only had two options when it came to menstrual hygiene: disposable pads or tampons. It was hard to imagine another way to capture and dispose of period blood.
Over the past few years, another period product has become very popular: menstrual cups. But what are menstrual cups? Why do people prefer them to pads and tampons? And how exactly do you use a menstrual cup?
HealthyWay spoke to some experts to find out all you need to know about using menstrual cups.

What is a menstrual cup?

Made from medical-grade silicone, a menstrual cup is placed inside the vagina to collect period blood. The user can empty the cup and give it a wash every few hours, reusing it every month for years.
What makes menstrual cups different to traditional tampons and pads is that it’s reusable. “In the U.S. alone, 12 billion pads and 7 billion tampons are thrown into our waterways and landfills every year,” says Amanda Wilson, the founder of VOXAPOD, a menstrual cup. The average menstruating person has periods for 38 years. That means they’ll dispose of roughly 12,000 used disposables in their lifetime, which is a huge environmental concern, Wilson adds.
Because you can reuse the same menstrual cup for roughly three to five years, depending on the brand, you cut down on waste significantly. Menstrual cups are particularly popular among the zero-waste community—that is, those who try to reuse and recycle all their waste.
People prefer menstrual cups for reasons other than eco-friendliness, too. For one, they save you money in the long-run. The first menstrual cup I had was around $25, which was roughly the same amount of money I spent on tampons and pads for a four-month period. My menstrual cup lasted five years, which means I saved a great deal of money.
Many of us have heard of toxic shock syndrome (TSS), which is often caused by tampons. With menstrual cups, you’re less likely to get TSS if you keep your cup clean, says OB-GYN Carolyn DeLucia, MD. “The risk for TSS is extremely minimal with menstrual cups. The one or two reported cases were due to wearing the menstrual cup for over 24 hours,” Wilson says.
However, there is something that puts many people off using menstrual cups: They don’t know how to use them or how to keep them clean.

How to Use a Menstrual Cup

If it’s your first time using a menstrual cup, you might feel a little intimidated. I know I was. When I saw the size of the menstrual cup, I didn’t quite know how it would fit.
The key is to fold the cup when you put it into your vagina. Once it’s inside, the cup will unfold and fit to your vagina, where it will sit and collect the blood.
Here’s the easiest way to insert a menstrual cup:

Relax. As with inserting tampons, it’s easier when your vaginal muscles aren’t too tense!
Wash your hands and the cup thoroughly.
This is optional, but you might want to wet the cup or add some water-based lubricant to make it easier.
Fold the cup so that it’s easy to insert. There are a number of different ways to do this, Wilson says. She recommends the following methods:
C-Fold: Flatten the menstrual cup and bring the two folded ends together to form a C shape, rolling it to the size of a tampon.
Punch Down Fold: Push one side of the lip of the cup into the center of the cup, folding in sides.
7 Fold: Flatten the cup and fold one corner diagonally toward the center of the cup.

VOXAPOD, Inc./Brittany Lang
Insert it. You might find it easiest to insert it while standing with one leg up on a stool or step, as you would insert a tampon, DeLucia says. When you insert it, push it toward your back. “You want to make sure the cup sits above the pubic bone, not up against the cervix,” explains Cathy Chapman, the President of Lunette North America. The cup should be inside the vagina, and the base should not be exposed.
Once it’s in your vagina, you might want to wiggle the cup around a little until it feels more comfortable. You might dislike the feeling of the “stem” that most menstrual cups have. The stem is meant to help you grip the cup, but if it’s uncomfortable, you can always snip it with scissors to make it shorter.

While wearing a menstrual cup, you can bathe, exercise, and swim. It can also be used if you have an IUD. “It does not interfere with the IUD. You just need to be careful not to catch the IUD string with the cup when you pull it out,” notes DeLucia.
Chapman says that having penetrative sex while wearing a menstrual cup isn’t advisable. “It could dislodge the suction, and then you would have a menstrual mess on your hands,” she says. “But feel free to enjoy all the oral sex you want!”
Once you’ve worn the cup for a few hours, you might want to remove it. “Your menstrual cup should be emptied every 2 to 12 hours depending on your menstrual flow,” Wilson says. If you have a heavy flow and the cup is left in for quite some time, it might overflow and leak slightly. If your flow isn’t too heavy, it can be worn overnight.
Here are the steps for removal:

Again, wash your hands thoroughly, and relax.
You might want to stand with your leg on a stool or chair again, or you might want to sit on the toilet. Bear in mind that you might spill some blood as you remove the cup, so don’t stand over a bath mat (take it from someone who made this mistake!).
Grip the base of the menstrual cup tightly and release the suction of the cup. “You can do this by slightly bearing down and then pinch the bottom of the menstrual cup to release the suction,” Chapman says. “You may need to slightly rock your cup back forth if you’ve got some really good suction going on.”
Pull the cup out slowly.
Empty the contents and clean the cup.

Does your cup feel stuck? Don’t panic. “Sometimes the cup can form a pretty strong suction to the vaginal wall,” DeLucia says. “The best way to deal with this is to use your finger to break the suction. Once that is accomplished, it should not be a problem to remove it,” she explains. If that doesn’t work, you can pinch the cup a little higher up and give it a gentle twist.

How to Keep Your Menstrual Cup Clean

Keeping your menstrual cup clean is essential, especially since you’ll probably want to use it for many years.
After removing it and emptying the contents, you’ll want to wash the menstrual cup with water and a little non-antibacterial soap. The DivaCup website lists cleansers that should never be used to clean a menstrual cup including antibacterial soap, hand sanitizer, and dish soap.
Make sure you rinse your cup thoroughly after washing, as putting a soapy cup in your vagina can cause an infection. Personally, I use boiling water and soap to clean the cup in between each insertion.
When your period is over, boil your menstrual cup for about twenty minutes, says Chapman. Dry it off and store it in a clean, dry place. I keep mine in a cotton drawstring bag in between cycles.
If you’re in public, cleaning a menstrual cup might be tricky. Consider bringing a water bottle into the stall with you and using water and toilet paper to clean it off. Many companies, including Lunette, make wipes and washes specifically for menstrual cups. This can be helpful in keeping the cup clean when you’re in a public setting.
Since a menstrual cup collects blood instead of absorbing it, as a pad or tampon would, you might spill some blood on your clothing, towels, or mats. Simply rinse the area with cold water as soon as you can before popping it into the laundry.
[related article_ids=1001505]

Which menstrual cup should I buy?

If you buy a jacket online and find it doesn’t fit, you can return it. With intimate items like menstrual cups, you can’t exactly take it back, so you’ll want to do some research first to make sure the menstrual cup you buy is right for you. Here are some criteria to consider.

Material

When buying a menstrual cup, make sure it’s made of quality material. “Consumers should be attentive to the quality of materials being used on the menstrual cup they purchase,” Wilson says. “Some menstrual cups are made with compromising material that has not been tested internally on humans, such as ‘food-grade silicone,’” Wilson says.

Size

Different companies often offer different sized cups. Larger cups are intended for users with larger cervixes, usually people who’ve given birth vaginally. Smaller cups are intended for those with smaller cervixes. Different sizes can hold different amounts of blood, so if you have a heavy flow, there might be a large one suitable for you. Many websites have sizing guides to help you choose the best menstrual cup for you.

Other Benefits

Even when made from the same material and size, not all cups are the same. Some are thicker than others, making them harder to bend. Some, like VOXAPOD, have specific shapes designed to be more comfortable to wear and insert. Please keep in mind that not all menstrual cups last up to five years; lifespans may vary, so be sure to check the product information for each individual cup.
Don’t be afraid to explore your options, ask friends for recommendations, and read reviews online before buying a menstrual cup.
If you try one and it doesn’t feel right for you, don’t be put off menstrual cups altogether—try another. “Sometimes women need to find the right fit of menstrual cup, like they would a tampon or pad. So, if they try one brand shape and size, and it doesn’t work or isn’t quite right, they may need to try another,” Wilson says.

More Than Just Menstrual Cups

Of course, menstrual cups aren’t for everyone. Many people struggle to use them. “For some folks, mastering the menstrual cup can take a few tries, even a few cycles,” Chapman says. “We get it, though; some people aren’t into the ‘menstrual cup gospel’ but are ready to ditch the old-school disposables for a healthier, reusable period care solution,” she adds.
If you love the environment but hate menstrual cups, there are other eco-friendly hygiene products for you.

Sea Sponges

Want to feel like a mermaid throughout your period? Sea sponges, as in, the kind that naturally comes from the ocean, are a great alternative to tampons. They absorb blood and can be washed out and reused.

Period Panties

If you’re not a fan of inserting things into your vagina, there are options for you. Panties like THINX absorb period blood without spillage. Comfortable and absorbent, you simply need to rinse them out before placing them in the wash. They can be used by themselves or along with a cup or sponge to soak up potential spillage.

Reusable Pads

Washable, reusable pads are great if you like pads but don’t want to create unnecessary waste. As with absorbent underwear, these pads can also be used along with menstrual cups and sponges as they absorb any extra blood if there’s a leak. Lunapads is another great cloth pad company.
Whatever menstrual product you choose, make sure that you practice hygiene to prevent TSS and any other infections. Many companies will provide you with care instructions for their products. These instructions should be followed to ensure that your products last and stay clean.
It’s comforting to know that period products like disposable pads and tampons are not our only options anymore. Don’t be embarrassed or nervous about experimenting with different products, like menstrual cups, until you find the one that makes menstruation more comfortable and convenient for you.

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Wellbeing

Grieving 101: Healthy Methods For Processing And Recovering From Loss

Post author By Cindy Lamothe
Post date July 8, 2018

Chris Navalta, 41, still remembers the haze of grief that engulfed him soon after his nephew, Robby, was shot in broad daylight in 2014.
“I felt numb. I felt like things were a blur and that there’s a void that can never be filled again.”

In his memory, the days that ensued can be recalled only in dream-like fragments. “I’ve dealt with death in the past,” the San Francisco resident says. “But never in this way where I was just talking to someone just a few weeks ago, and now he’s gone.”
“I didn’t want to medicate myself, and I didn’t want to do anything to make the pain go away,” he says. “Because the reality is, the pain will never go away.”

For Chris, navigating the aftermath of loss has been one of the most challenging experiences he’s had to face. But it’s also one that anyone who has lost a loved one can easily recognize. To grieve is to be upended entirely—to have the world you knew be demolished in an instant, and to wonder whether you can ever feel “whole” again.
[pullquote align=”center”]“People describe [grief] as a series of ocean waves of different sizes at different times, or as a spiral staircase where you repeatedly grow and fall back.”
—Sara Stanizai, licensed therapist[/pullquote]
How then, can a person cope—much less heal—from these deep emotional wounds?
While there are no easy answers when it comes to heartache, according to psychologists, it is possible to deepen our understanding of grief and find the right resources to help us process our pain. The first thing to keep in mind, however, is this:

Grief isn’t a checklist.

You can’t quantify loss, despite what popular culture will have us believe. “There is no set pattern,” says Javanne Golob, a licensed clinical social worker from Venice, California. “Grief moves and shifts over time,” she says, and since we each love differently, we will all grieve differently.

As such, not everyone falls neatly into the “Five Stages of Grief”: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For someone struggling to accept a loved one’s passing, for example, emotional checklists like these are not only inaccurate, they perpetuate harmful stereotypes that can make a person feel like a failure for simply not “getting over it.”
It’s because of this confusion that the model’s originator, Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, said later in life that the stages aren’t linear or predictable; she ended up regretting presenting them in such a way.
Thankfully, many practitioners today are taking a more holistic view of grief and understanding that those five stages don’t always occur for everyone.

And because grief is not linear for some, it may not always show up as sadness, says Golob. “Sometimes it’s anger. Sometimes it’s joy or fear. It’s all okay.”
“People describe it as a series of ocean waves of different sizes at different times,” says Sara Stanizai, a licensed therapist in Long Beach, California, “or as a spiral staircase where you repeatedly grow and fall back.”

Heartsickness affects both your mind and body.

“I have lost many extended family members—aunts, uncles, grandmas and grandpas, and even friends, but my daughter’s death was the hardest,” says Ashley Jones, who lost her 21-month-old daughter to a terminal genetic condition in 2011.

She recalls the toll bereavement took on her: “From the physical pain to the emotional hurt, spiritual self-questioning, and complete exhaustion—I wasn’t prepared for the depth of grief of losing a child,” said the Chattanooga resident and founder of Love Not Lost, a non-profit dedicated to helping others going through grief.
As it turns out, this kind of deep psychological trauma not only affects a person’s emotional wellbeing, it also weakens your health.

Experiencing a stressor similar to the one Ashley went through has been found to cause detrimental physical and mental health effects. Past research has shown that a major loss, such as the passing of a spouse or a child, increases the risk of fatality from heart disease and contributes to a variety of psychiatric disorders. These poor health outcomes are even higher for those who continue to show elevated grief symptoms six months after the loss.

And these effects don’t discriminate by age. One 2014 study published in the journal Immunity & Ageing found that the elderly are especially susceptible to infectious diseases after losing a loved one. Another more recent study revealed that adolescents who lose a family member or friend at such a young age are profoundly affected in their development, social functioning, and physical and mental health.

Common Stereotypes

“It’s important for me to be aware of my grief and to not mask it—not to my friends and not to myself,” says Chris, who has found a harmful stereotype in expecting people to grieve and then quickly move on after a loss. “It’s not like I want things to be back to normal,” he explains. “I’m now dealing with a new normal, and the way I handle my grief may not work for others—I just know that it works for me.”

More harmful still is the myth that time heals all wounds, Golob says; as we’ve noted before, healing isn’t linear. Some days you might feel warm and nostalgic when thinking about your loved one, and other days you may feel heavy and dark. This doesn’t mean you aren’t handling the loss well, she emphasizes, it just means that we can’t predict what will happen, and we need to be compassionate toward ourselves when the pain arrives.
Similarly, if you find joy in a certain day or activity, it doesn’t mean you don’t miss the person who is gone. “Having fun and enjoying your life is not betrayal,” she explains. “Think of it like waves crashing on the sand, there will be ebb and flow. Some days you will lean in, and some days you might need to opt out.”

Overall, learning how to cope comes down to realizing this simple truth:

There is no perfect recipe for grieving.

There are, however, healthy ways of processing it, according to Golob.

Track how your loss has impacted you.

Pay attention to how this loss may be affecting you. You are going to react in a way that is unique. Everyone handles loss differently. Comparison is not the goal here.

Ask yourself what expectations you have of grieving and notice if you have any judgments about the way you are handling the grief. Not everyone cries all the time; not everyone talks openly about their experience; not everyone wants to take time off work.

Become aware of how substances impact you.

People who are struggling with a significant loss or other mental health issues may see their symptoms increase with substance use. While you may have had a healthy relationship with a substance before, you may notice that your relationship with it may change during the grieving period. Track how you feel when under the influence and during the withdrawal period.

Drinking can be a common coping method; remember that it is a depressant and can increase [linkbuilder id=”6662″ text=”symptoms of depression”] like sadness or hopelessness. On the other side of the spectrum, caffeine is a stimulant and can increase anxiety and stress.

Form a deeper relationship with your grief.

Golob advises asking yourself the following questions: What are my triggers? What are my strengths, my positive coping skills? What is making my pain increase?
Pay attention to how you feel throughout the day. Track your grief on a scale of 1-10 in the morning, afternoon, and evening. If you see a jump or a dip, explore what may have caused the change (e.g., a person asking about the loss or a long walk in nature at lunch).

Reach out to a professional if your grief is keeping you from being able to live the life you want. Chris says that regularly seeing a grief counselor has been helpful in processing his own loss.

Prevention

Take preventative measures to keep yourself well.
Get enough sleep at night. The National Sleep Foundation recommends 7 to 9 hours for adults and 8 to 10 for teenagers.
Eat well for your body (that will look different for everyone). Track how you feel before and after meals.
Exercise! According to the Mayo Clinic, exercise produces hormones that naturally ease anxiety and depressive feelings.
Figure what is most helpful to you. What works for others may not work for you. You are unique.
Talk to a friend, a family member, or a therapist. Psychologist and bereavement trauma specialist Sherry Cormier, PhD, explains that bearing the grief alone simply makes the pain worse. Cormier, who herself has experienced loss, says that what ultimately helped her was finding a new sense of community.“I believe that grief is healed predominantly through some kind of connections with other people.”
Prioritize your self-care. Sometimes saying no to someone is saying yes to yourself.
Make time to have fun and engage in enjoyable activities.
Make sure you are being honest with yourself about how the grief is impacting you.

What People Who Have Dealt With Loss Want You to Know

“I made a list of things that made me feel comforted: a candle, wearing my Dad’s shirt, signing up for a kickboxing class. Then, when I was having really bad grief days, I could go to my list and pick from what felt best in that moment.”—Katie Huey, Colorado

“I went to as many grief support groups as I could find and made many new widow friends. I read books on grief. I go to Mass every day and have become very active in church activities and am still active in my caregiver support organization. I stay close to God and pray for healing.”—Terri Corcoran, Virginia
“Figure out a meaningful way to honor their memory. It could be having a memorial service. If they loved the outdoors, planting trees or a flower. Writing a poem, volunteering in a place they were connected with also are healthy ways to honor their memory and deal with grief.”—Iris Waichler, Chicago

“By keeping a gratitude journal and starting each day by jotting down at least three things you’re grateful for right now, we’re able to train our brains to see the light at the end of the tunnel as each day goes on.”—Julie Cegelski, California

You’ll never be the same, and that’s okay.

“It’s been four years since Robby left us, but I still have what I like to call ‘moments,’” says Chris, “where I could be doing something and then all of a sudden, I have this feeling of utter sadness and pain. I don’t know when it’s going to come, but I allow it to happen and I move forward.”

It’s okay for us to acknowledge that we’ll never stop grieving, says Cormier, who believes we don’t ever really “move on”—we move through grief. As Golob puts it, “If you love someone, the pain of their loss never completely goes away.” The intensity of the pain may subside, you may go days without thinking of them, but you’ll never be the same as you were before the experience of loss.
Cormier emphasizes, however, that even as we continue to recover and heal from loss, our grief will change us in unexpected and profound ways.

This has been true for Ashley, who says that helping others through her non-profit has allowed her to tap into a greater sense of humanity and purpose. But, she notes, there has been the realization that while she can’t change the past nor live in the future, she can choose things in the now that will help her have a better future.
“Life is short. We only get one shot,” she says. “Let’s make the most of it because there are no do-overs.”

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Happy x Mindful Wellbeing

Which Herbs Are The Best For Anxiety? A Naturopathic Physician And An MD Weigh In

Post author By Sian Ferguson
Post date July 8, 2018

Perhaps you’re struggling with anxiety and you want to try a natural option to help you manage it. Or maybe you’d like to find an herbal tea or supplement to soothe stress and complement your current anti-anxiety treatment plan, whether that includes therapy, prescription medications, time outdoors, exercise, or meditation.
There are plenty of herbs out there that have anti-anxiety properties, but before you take an over-the-counter supplement or incorporate herbal teas in your diet, it’s important that you educate yourself on what you’re ingesting.
“Herbs can be extremely beneficial in the treatment of anxiety,” says Alissia Zenhausern, a naturopathic physician at NMD Wellness of Scottsdale. “It is, however, important to understand how particular herbs work when it comes to anxiety. Some herbs start working quickly while others take a few months to see an effect. But if you can stay consistent, the benefits of these herbs is tremendous.”

Understanding Herbs and How They Impact the Nervous System

Herbs that affect the nervous system are called nervine herbs or nervines, says Zenhausern. Nervines can be broken into three different categories:

Nervine relaxants, which relax the nervous system
Nervine stimulants, which stimulate the nervous system (meaning they can help with fatigue),
Nervine tonics, which help nourish the nervous system, improving symptoms of anxiety

When looking for herbs to soothe anxiety, nervine tonics are your best bet.
Zenhausern points out that sedatives, another category of herbs that are not nervines, can also be used in the treatment of anxiety. “Sedatives help calm the nervous system and help improve your body’s ability to respond to stress and nervousness,” she says.
They can induce sleepiness, so she suggests trying them at home near the end of the day to see how much of a sedative effect they have on you. Since anxiety can lead to insomnia, many people with anxiety also seek out natural sleep remedies, which can include herbs like valerian root, lavender, and chamomile.

Which herbs can be used for anxiety?

A number of different herbs have anti-anxiety properties according to the experts. When it comes to herbal supplements, unfortunately there are typically few high-quality peer-reviewed studies that confirm their effectiveness—often due to a lack of funding according to Joseph Feuerstein, MD, associate professor of clinical medicine at Columbia University and director of integrative medicine at Stamford Hospital.
This means that many physicians rely on their personal experience and training to discern what will work best for their patients. Feuerstein points out that a lack of evidence doesn’t mean that an herb doesn’t work, and since most herbs for anxiety are safe and relatively inexpensive, it’s worth experimenting to see what works for you if you’re interested in pursuing natural remedies for anxiety—even if you’re initially skeptical of the science (or lack thereof) to support their application.
Here’s what you need to know about the most commonly used anti-anxiety herbs.

Chamomile (Matricaria chamomilla)

Many of us have heard of drinking chamomile tea before bed to induce sleep. Chamomile can also soothe anxiety. “Matricaria chamomilla is a great herb to combat both anxiety and depression,” Zenhausern says.
“If used as an essential oil, it can help create a mild sedative effect as well as calm your nerves by traveling to an area of your brain known as the olfactory. It is in this portion of your brain that you receive signals that allow you to smell. Smelling chamomile will help your brain relax and also reduce your body’s response to stress,” she says.
Feuerstein suggests using chamomile essential oil in a diffuser.
There are a limited number of scientific studies on the anti-anxiety effects of chamomile. Two scientific studies conducted in 2016 looked at the short-term and long-term effects of chamomile on people with generalized anxiety disorder. The results indicated that chamomile extract can soothe anxiety significantly in the short term, but the long-term study results showed no significant findings. Another study showed that chamomile can reduce the severity of both depression and anxiety in people who experience both. Although this is promising, more studies are needed to verify these results.

Lavender

“Lavender has been used for centuries as an essential oil for it calmative effects,” Feuerstein says. “There is now a new clinically tested lavender extract called lavela ws1265 which has been shown to significantly reduce anxiety levels.” Feuerstein, who administers lavender in a pill or capsule form, goes on to say, “I use it all the time for anxiety with my patients with good effect.”
Zenhausern notes that lavender is also effective at inducing sleep. “Lavender, which can be taken as a tea, topically, or even as a capsule, can be very beneficial for anxiety. I have seen the most success when combining lavender with other nervines.”
Many small studies, including a 2010 study that showed lavender capsules to be as effective in treating anxiety as Lorazepam, a benzodiazepine, indicate lavender has an anti-anxiety effect. Unfortunately, this study was very small and there is a lack of peer-reviewed evidence to confirm whether lavender should be used to treat anxiety.

Lemon Balm (Melissa officinalis)

“Lemon balm is a great nervine that can not only help with anxiety but also insomnia,” Zenhausern says. It’s also often used for those with hyperthyroidism. “Although relatively safe, it should not be used in patients with acid reflux (GERD) and possibly those with hypothyroidism, but this is still under investigation,” she notes. She adds that it takes at least one month of consistently using lemon balm before you will notice its effects.

Passionflower (Passiflora incarnata)

Passionflower is both a nervine and a sedative, Zenhausern says. It’s often used to treat insomnia and anxiety. “Although this is a wonderful, powerful herb that I use often, it cannot be used in patients that are currently on SSRIs as well as other pharmaceutical medications used to treat depression and anxiety,” she says.
SSRIs—selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors—are medications that are often prescribed for depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, passionflower can alter the effect of these and other pharmaceuticals, preventing them from working correctly. Zenhausern also adds that passionflower is not safe for use during pregnancy. “So be careful with this herb and make sure just like all herbs that you consult with your physician prior to taking any herbs.”

Kava

While some scientific research indicates that kava root—also known as kava kava—might have anti-anxiety properties, it’s a risky treatment. “I don’t use this at all as there have been cases of liver damage with kava,” Feuerstein says. Indeed, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has issued a consumer advisory for products containing kava, which is a member of the pepper family native to the South Pacific, because of its link to liver damage.

Valerian

A sedative, Valerian is often prescribed by Feuerstein, who finds it to be an effective treatment for anxiety in his patients. Valerian can be had in a tea or capsule form. “Valerian and hops taken orally together have also been shown to be effective in improving sleep in clinical studies,” he says. “The studies on using this combination for anxiety were not as conclusive, but it can also be tried to reduce anxiety levels, too.”
As for the scientific research on Valerian alone, there’s a mixture of results. A few trials have indicated that it can help with insomnia, while another review of studies on Valerian found it a safe, but not necessarily effective treatment for insomnia. A study that focused on bipolar patients found Valerian to be the most promising herbal treatment for both anxiety and insomnia. These mixed conclusions indicate that more research is needed.

How safe is it to use these herbs for anxiety?

We often mistakenly believe that herbs are safe for everyone because they can be bought without a prescription. This isn’t true, and it’s best to consult with a healthcare provider before taking herbs or supplements of any kind.
Zenhausern says that although herbs can be very safe, they should only be taken after consulting with a healthcare provider as herbs can interact with one another and with certain medications.

Can these herbs be used if you’re pregnant or lactating?

Sometimes, but it’s important to discuss it with your physician first, Zenhausern says. “Although science is beginning to investigate the powers of botanical medicine, the mechanism by which certain herbs work is not completely understood, which is why I recommend patients to avoid herbs when pregnant or lactating unless they have consulted with their physician,” she explains.
Some herbs can be safe for children, but again, due to the lack of complete understanding, it is extremely important that you consult with your physician first. Zenhausern says she loves using chamomile tea for small children who have trouble falling asleep or kids who are anxious about getting on an airplane.
She says chamomile tea can be made in advance and then served cool or at room temperature (she advises against hot drinks being given to littles since they might burn themselves).
Feuerstein adds that you should only consume tested, pharmaceutical-grade herbs. The FDA doesn’t test herbs and supplements as strictly as it tests pharmaceutical medication, so the quality isn’t always consistent across brands.

Other Natural Methods for Managing Anxiety

If you’re looking for some natural, inexpensive methods for managing anxiety, consider making the following lifestyle changes. These changes, like herbs for anxiety, can complement your current anti-anxiety treatment and therapy.

Breathing exercises are a relatively easy, free remedy for anxiety. Deep breathing has been shown to help soothe stress, anxiety, and insomnia.
Exercise isn’t just great for your body—it’s also fantastic for reducing your stress levels and improving your mood. A quick run or some time spent on the yoga mat can be a smart investment in your mental health.
Ecotherapy, which is the practice of using nature to heal and improve your health, is another free way to manage anxiety. Scientific studies have shown that ecotherapy is a great way to reduce stress and depression.
Meditation is one we’ve all heard of, but it bears repeating. Meditation is a fantastic way to lift your mood and reduce anxiety and depression.

While these anti-anxiety treatments can be effective, it’s important to remember that they aren’t necessarily better than prescription anti-anxiety medications. If you need anti-anxiety medication, there’s no shame in that. Self-care includes giving your body what it needs, whether that comes in the form of lifestyle changes, botanical medicine, or a prescription medication from a trusted healthcare provider.

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Healthy Relationships Wellbeing

What A Narcissist Says (And What They Really Mean)

Post author By HealthyWay Staff Writer
Post date July 6, 2018

Narcissism is, by most estimations, a rare disorder. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, about 0.5 to 1 percent of people are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
However, many psychologists believe narcissism is on the rise; the American Psychological Association notes that one major 2008 study found that 9.4 percent of Americans in their 20s had experienced NPD at some point in their lives (compared to a relatively paltry 3.2 percent of people over 65).

Regardless, if you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist, you know one experience is more than enough.
“People with NPD tend to belittle others in a way that positions themselves as the greater or more important person in their relationships,” says clinical psychologist Sal Raichbach, PsyD, a licensed clinical social worker and chief of clinical compliance at Ambrosia Treatment Center. “In doing this, they can take advantage of those who have more passive personalities and exercise control over that person. Being able to control and manipulate others reinforces the narcissist’s perception that they are all-important.”

To be clear, nobody should try to diagnose narcissism without proper training, and because NPD is a spectrum, some people might display narcissistic behaviors without actually having the disorder.
With that said, narcissists often communicate in similar ways, and by recognizing certain behaviors, you may be able to curb their influence (or better yet, avoid them entirely).

What they say: “You’re absolutely perfect. I don’t deserve you.”

In romantic relationships, narcissists typically go to great lengths to make their partners feel special. That sounds wonderful—and in many cases, it feels pretty great.

“When I first met my partner, I was swept off my feet, as cliché as that sounds,” says Amber, a 28-year-old woman who says she dated a man with narcissistic tendencies for several years. “Everything was about me. The compliments were glowing, and I didn’t notice anything unpleasant or unusual.”

Unfortunately, that stage of the relationship doesn’t typically last long.
“In a new relationship, a narcissist can appear like an incredibly charming, kind, and [linkbuilder id=”6701″ text=”intelligent person”],” Raichbach says. “These personality traits, whether they are real or manufactured, are a part of their manipulation strategy. Once they have established a relationship, they begin to show their true selves and adjust their manipulating tactics to bullying and belittling others.”

What they say: “Here, I got you something…”

“He gave me gifts throughout the relationship,” Amber says. “That’s something I miss! But in all seriousness, some of [the gifts] seemed overwhelming. We’d only been dating for a few weeks when he got me this tablet that easily cost $500. I chalked it up to his generosity. Looking back, it was a warning sign.”

While narcissists might employ a variety of behaviors to woo potential mates, gift-giving seems particularly common—and particularly problematic. A 2016 study found three primary motivations for gift-giving in romantic relationships: intrinsic (in other words, simply showing that a partner is appreciated), maintenance (keeping the relationship going), and power (gaining an advantage over the partner). Narcissists were more likely to give gifts for maintenance or power.

“Our results suggest that narcissistic individuals critically differ from those with high self-esteem in their tendency to consider gift giving an instrumental act,” the study’s authors wrote.
In other words, because narcissists typically have low self-esteem, they’re more likely to see gift-giving as a necessary activity. Obviously, that’s not a great basis for a healthy relationship.

“Narcissists will go to any lengths to get ‘in’ with a person before they begin to show their true colors,” Raichbach explains. “Excessive flattery, gift-giving, and over-the-top kindness are common at the beginning stages of a relationship with a narcissist. However, this isn’t always the case, and sometimes other people are attracted to narcissists because of their intelligence or personality.”
In any case, the good times don’t last.

What they say: “I’m the victim here.”

In a conflict, a narcissist will often try to flip the discussion. The other person might hear something like:
“Yeah, but what about the time you….”
“You do it, too.”
“I only did that because you….”
In each case, the takeaway is the same: The narcissist’s bad behavior isn’t really their fault. How could it be? They’re nearly perfect.

“Even if the argument wasn’t a big deal, he’d make it a big deal,” Amber says. “He was incapable of saying, ‘Sorry, my bad. Let’s move on.’ If I brought up something, he’d counter with something that I did. I’ve been in plenty of relationships where the occasional argument strayed into that territory—with [my partner] bringing up my issues—but with him, it was something else.”

We weren’t able to speak with Amber’s partner for this piece, but his actions are in line with typical narcissistic behaviors.
“To manipulate and control others, narcissists will often play the role of the victim,” Raichbach explains. “When another person objects to their behavior, they will turn the situation around and act like they are the one that is being mistreated or misunderstood. If the other party feels guilty, they are less likely to challenge the controlling nature of the narcissist and allow them to continue influencing their decisions.”

Similarly, narcissists often project their own faults onto their partners. That can make for some frustrating arguments.
“Projection occurs when an individual attributes a characteristic that they see in themselves onto another person,” Raichbach says. “It’s a defense mechanism that is used by narcissists, most often after they have suffered some blow to their ego. By shifting the blame from themselves onto another person, they both feel better about themselves and have fuel to continue their narcissistic behaviors.”

What they say: “You should be ashamed about…”

As a narcissist becomes more comfortable in a relationship, he (or she, but statistically speaking, most narcissists are male) will often key in on his partner’s insecurities. This is often the point where the non-narcissist realizes something’s wrong.
“Bullying and demeaning others is a favorite manipulation tactic of narcissists,” Raichbach says. “Often, narcissists will get to know you well enough that they can target the insecurities that they know have the most effect. They also might attempt to conceal or downplay the severity of their abuse by including compliments with their attacks.”

Some research (link opens a PDF) suggests that men use insults as a broader strategy of mate retention—in other words, insults are sometimes an effective (but by no means healthy) part of relationship maintenance.
Amber says that’s what’s so frustrating about these tactics; ultimately, narcissists use them because they work.
[pullquote align=”center”]“The best way to deal with a narcissist is to recognize and accept their criticism and bullying comes from a place of insecurity, and therefore isn’t valid.”
—Sal Raichbach, PsyD[/pullquote]
“He really damaged my self-esteem,” she says. “He knew what made me self-conscious, and he wasn’t above using my insecurities to his advantage. But I stayed with him—in fact, it took me a while to date anyone else after our relationship ended. I didn’t think I was good enough. I guess I can blame him for that.”

What they say: “I’m sorry. I’m going to change. It won’t happen again.”

At this point, we should acknowledge an important point: Narcissists aren’t sociopaths. They’re typically capable of empathy, and when they realize they’ve made a mistake, they may offer a sincere apology.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean you should accept that apology.

“Narcissists live in a world where everything revolves around them, and as a result, they put their needs first,” Raichbach says. “Someone who is in a relationship with a narcissist, whether that be a romantic relationship, a friendship, or a co-worker, should know that they are not going to be able to fix or change that person’s behavior.”
While apologies might sound convincing, they’re worthless without real change, and narcissists aren’t always capable of changing on their own. That’s not to say that the situation is entirely hopeless, but be careful when approaching a person with narcissistic tendencies; don’t use terms like “narcissist,” and try to empathize with the motivations behind their actions.
“When approaching a narcissist about their behavior, it’s best to tread lightly when expressing your concern,” Raichbach says. “It’s important to realize that this kind of behavior comes from a place of insecurity and low self-esteem, and will typically become defensive when someone tries to call out their narcissistic behaviors.”

“The best way to deal with a narcissist is to recognize and accept their criticism and bullying comes from a place of insecurity, and therefore isn’t valid,” he adds. “The narcissist only wins when an individual believes that they are inferior to that individual.”
If you really want to help a person with narcissistic behaviors, try to gently guide them toward therapy. Consider relationship counseling with a trained, certified psychologist who may be able to recognize the [linkbuilder id=”6700″ text=”signs of narcissism”].

Of course, there’s always another option: You could simply end the relationship. If your partner isn’t prepared to get help, that’s sometimes the only realistic course of action.
“Narcissists can get better through therapy, but typically they are resistant to treatment because they do not recognize their behavior as a problem,” Raichbach says. “The only way for a person with narcissistic tendencies to get help is to want it themselves.”

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Healthy Relationships Wellbeing

Finding The Line Between Secrecy And Healthy Privacy In A Romantic Relationship

Post author By Wendy Rose Gould
Post date July 6, 2018

From a very young age, most of us have a fabricated image in our minds of what the perfect romantic partnership looks like. Perhaps it’s an amalgamation of all the best qualities we’ve witnessed in relationships around us. Or maybe our ideal partnership is inspired by what we see portrayed in literature and the media, helpfully rounded out with a handful of examples for what not to do (insert one of many Friends storylines here).
Whether your idea of a perfect love involves adventure and travel, quiet days spent absorbed in books side-by-side, a huge family, or a child-free home, there’s one constant must in any relationship: trust and open communication.

While the line between secrecy and privacy is a subjective one, we’ve reached out to a handful of relationship experts to find out what’s okay to keep to yourself, what you ought to share with your partner, and what constitutes an outright breach of privacy.

What sort of details should you share in a relationship?

Let’s begin by diving into the things we should be sharing. Not just because we owe certain information to our partners—and yes, there are a handful of things we absolutely should divulge—but because doing so can actually strengthen your partnership.

“Anything you are keeping from your partner that could have a detrimental effect if it came out is something that should not be held in private but should be expressed in a skillful way,” advises Christy Whitman, a relationship expert and two-time New York Times bestselling author. “Privacy arises out of a desire to maintain personal boundaries, which enhances our sense of autonomy and self-respect. Secrecy, on the other hand, is an act of hiding something about ourselves or our lives out of fear that our partners will not like or accept it if they were to find out.”

For example, early on in your relationship, you should disclose your sexual, mental, and overall health status (including addictions). Even if it’s difficult or awkward for you to relay this information, your partner deserves to be fully aware before making a decision to move forward. To help soften the delivery of such information, outline the ways in which you’ve got a handle on things, whether that includes medications, weekly appointments with a therapist, or a health game plan devised by you and your doctor.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Your story is important, and this information will help a partner know what your boundaries are.”
—Logan Levkoff, psychologist[/pullquote]
It’s also to your advantage to share information about previous committed relationships. Not only will this help your partner have a more complete picture of where you’ve come from, it can prove to be a true bonding moment and help you both define the qualities you’re looking for, and not looking for, in a relationship.

“If you’ve had some sort of traumatic experience, it is important for a partner to know,” says Logan Levkoff, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in human sexuality and marriage. “Your story is important, and this information will help a partner know what your boundaries are.”
Additional information that falls into this category includes excessive and unmanageable debt, past imprisonment, major legal issues, previous marriages, and children from [linkbuilder id=”6687″ text=”past relationships”].

Levkoff says that this information doesn’t have to be relayed on the first or even second date. However, the second you realize that you want your relationship to develop into something formal or marital is the time when serious discussions should occur. You can even preface these hard-to-have conversations with something like, “I see potential between us, and want to be completely forthright.”
While it’s ultimately up to each person to decide how much to divulge and when, an open partnership that allows for honesty and free-flowing communication is typically more fulfilling. And again, a great rule of thumb is to disclose any information that could have a detrimental effect if your partner were to find out from someone other than you or if they discover it very far into your relationship.

What kind of stuff should you keep private?

Switching gears, let’s talk about things that are not just okay to keep private, but that could actually improve your relationship if you simply don’t talk about them.
“Again, this is a very personal and individual decision that each couple must navigate for themselves,” says Whitman. “In general, though, many couples choose to keep bathroom and grooming habits, personal fantasies, and fleeting judgments or petty annoyances about their partners private. This is done for the sake of preserving respect, goodwill, and sexual attraction within the relationship.”

Think back to that Sex and the City episode that focuses on “secret single behavior.” We all have stuff that is perfectly acceptable but not necessarily something you have to share. For example, if your partner is out of town for a week and you decide to binge an entire season of Orange is the New Black in a matter of 24 hours while eating nothing but gas station food, that is information your partner doesn’t have to know. In the same vein, if you have a bi-weekly waxing appointment for your out-of-control mustache, you have every right to keep those details to yourself.
Outside of grooming habits, fantasies, and pet peeves, there are some other things that our experts say are okay to keep to yourself.
“Divulging previous sexual partners and encounters could lend to unnecessary conflict and insecurity. Also, journals and diaries are your private thoughts and a way for you to work through things. They don’t need to be shared,” says Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, NYC–based licensed clinical neuropsychologist.

Additionally, Hafeez recommends keeping comparisons to past relationships to yourself. If there are things about your partner that don’t work for you, respectfully communicate that, but refrain from phrases like “My ex used to do that, why can’t you?” or “My ex would never do this!” Those are hurtful jabs that slam the door on opportunities for meaningful, important conversations.
While we’re talking about potentially hurtful details, Lisa Concepcion, a professional dating and relationship expert, adds that it’s also probably not best practice to go around talking about how sexy other people are, even if you feel like you’re “just being honest.”

“There’s no need to admit how hot you think the server is at the restaurant you frequently go to for business lunches. It’s disrespectful,” she says. “Also, keep casual conversations or general conversations with an ex private if they are still in your life as a friend or as a co-parent. You don’t really need to report every single conversation you have.”
While the above advice is sound, it is, of course, subjective. In the end, we must each determine what constitutes “keeping a secret” versus what constitutes maintaining healthy privacy boundaries. If you ever have trouble finding that line, Whitman says to ask yourself what, if any, effect it will have on your relationship if you keep something private or divulge. Let your answer to that question be your guide.

What constitutes trespassing upon a partner’s privacy?

While each partner ultimately decides which details come out of their mouths and which don’t, snooping behind the other’s back is a completely different story.
“An invasion of privacy can be ‘measured’ by intention. If you intend to find, gather, or collect information without asking someone for permission, it is an invasion,” says Levkoff. “Without a doubt, going through someone’s phone, DMs, or drawers without permission is a violation of someone’s privacy.”

Other things on that list include going through someone’s computer, emails, social media accounts, or physical belongings and spaces, including pockets, journals, cars, offices, and bedrooms. It’s the permission aspect that determines whether there’s been an invasion of privacy.
Levkoff notes that the above behavior speaks to either a clear lack of trust in a relationship or to the insecurity of the snooping partner. Whatever the case, it is very hard to be in a relationship where one or both partners don’t trust what the other says, or worse, when they don’t bother to ask questions but go digging on their own instead.
[pullquote align=”center”]“If we feel someone isn’t trustworthy, trusting our instincts and moving on is key.”
—Sanam Hafeez, PsyD[/pullquote]
Is your relationship absolutely doomed if it goes through privacy breaches? Not necessarily, but it’s something that needs to be sorted out quickly and with the utmost seriousness.
“It’s important for a person to get to the bottom of why they feel insecure. Is it due to fear based on the unfortunate outcomes of a past relationship where there was a betrayal? When fear and insecurity remain, these feelings can destroy a new relationship when unnecessary suspicion creeps in. In this case, our inability to trust is more our issue than the other persons,” says Hafeez. On the other hand, “If we feel someone isn’t trustworthy, trusting our instincts and moving on is key. Some people would rather become a detective than leave a relationship.”

Again, getting to the bottom of any insecurity is integral in the success—or lack thereof—of your relationship.
There is one gray area we were curious about: exercising Google-fu to dig up dirt on a potential new mate. The truth is that we live in a time when this isn’t only possible, but it’s pretty commonplace. Further, sometimes checking into details like this is a safety precaution, especially if you’re using online dating apps.

“People want to protect themselves and research someone, especially in the early stages of a relationship,” says Hafeez. “It’s okay to look at a few social media profiles, to google them, look at LinkedIn, etc. However, to do so in an obsessive way where you’re going through every photo, as if you are looking to find something disparaging, is more about your fears and insecurities than just doing a simple, quick check on them.”
[pullquote align=”center”]“Violating another’s privacy is a clear indication that we are not feeling whole within ourselves, but wounded, and that we are seeking some kind of external reassurance in order to feel secure.”
—Christy Whitman, relationship expert[/pullquote]
There’s a line between checking someone’s criminal background and public employment history versus spending hours digging through old pictures of them with their ex and making yourself feel insecure. It’s important to remember that our social media lives rarely represent actual reality but are rather a careful curation. You’ll never get the whole picture of someone’s life by simply swiping through years-old images and status updates. It’s much more worthwhile to engage in one-on-one discussions with your partner about their past experiences versus coming to conclusions on your own.

For a healthier relationship, do this.

The moral to this story is that healthy relationships require the participation of two whole and complete partners who trust each other and are interested in furthering their relationship via open communication.

“Violating another’s privacy is a clear indication that we are not feeling whole within ourselves, but wounded, and that we are seeking some kind of external reassurance in order to feel secure,” says Whitman. “The damage we cause to our partnership might take the form of a sudden blow up as a result of getting caught in the act, or it might manifest as a slow draining of confidence and trust. Either way, it is each partner’s responsibility to heal the parts of ourselves that are wounded or insecure and to approach the relationship from a foundation of knowing that we are complete and whole just as we are.”
No relationship is perfect—not even the ones that seem to be—but a thriving, fulfilling partnership can be possible by following these pieces of advice.

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