Category: Wellbeing

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Wellbeing

5 Toxic Personalities You Should Distance Yourself From

We all know an obviously toxic person. This person just screams bad energy. He may have a serious temper problem. Or she may have a tendency to shoot off about seemingly innocuous things more often than can possibly be healthy–for her to obsess over, or for you to hear.

More than likely, you’re not a glutton for punishment; you have scooted away from said toxic individual with stealthy success. (Go, you!) However, there may be more toxic people lurking in your circle than you realize.

I am someone who is very intentional. About everything. I don’t speak unless it adds to the conversation. I don’t do something unless it enhances my life. And I don’t consistently spend time with someone unless they’re worth the investment. If you spend time with toxic people, you’ll find that they will slowly but surely bleed you dry emotionally.  

I realized long ago that time and energy are both finite. You can only devote yourself to so many people–and you should never forget that friendships and relationships are two-way streets. You’re supposed to get something back when you give something away.

I’d rather have five really amazing people in my life than 5,000 who suck the life out of me. Don’t you agree? If you’re feeling socially taxed, then it’s time for a social cleanse. Here are five types of people you should separate yourself from pronto.

The Executor Of Excuses

This person always has an explanation for his poor behavior. Did he snap at you? He was under a lot of stress. Did he disappear for a week? He was super busy at work. Did he turn a simple comment about the girls at work into a criticism of your actions? He didn’t realize “you’d take it that way.” On the surface, this person is often level headed, articulate, and smart. Which is why he can talk his way out of anything.

In fact, the beauty of people with this personality is that they always have a reason for why they behaved so insensitively–meaning this behavior is fixable. Changeable. A total anomaly. Like, as soon as circumstances shift ever so slightly, so will they.

Be realistic, young grasshopper. Is this person actually going to change? The reasons he acts like this are simply excuses. Don’t be fooled.

The Woe-Wallower

Think of this personality as Eeyore from the childhood classic Winnie the Pooh. Woe. Is. Me. This individual is sulky, problem-plagued, and constantly offloading that baggage onto you. They don’t ask about your life. They simply tell you how bad things are going…for them.

You might think you can save them. I mean, think of all the sage wisdom you possess (amiright?) Welp, this is a fallacy. Just try giving the woe-wallower advice when they bring up their problems. They will nod in agreement and then proceed to ignore the obvious course of action to change their situation.

They enjoy wallowing for attention. No one’s problems are worse than theirs: a fact they will broadcast to anyone who will listen. Don’t let that be you. This person will just drag you down.

The Jealous Jane

There’s a good chance this person is an old friend–in your life long enough that they’ve compared your successes to theirs for years. Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” This personality will never be happy for you when something goes well and will always be a bit dissatisfied with their own life because yours looks better.

Jealousy is dangerous, and it’s hurtful. This person will likely–knowingly or unknowingly–incite fights with you and talk behind your back. She may make snide comments about your promotion at work or the cute thing your boyfriend did for you. She will probably change the subject if you talk about the cool trip you’re planning to Europe…all in an effort to cast a dark cloud over your happy circumstances. It might feel tough to nix this friend from your circle because of your long history, but ultimately you deserve better than having someone perpetually rain on your parade. Friendships should build you up.

The Pot-Stirring Pollyanna

This personality likely claims to “hate drama,” yet drama follows her wherever she goes. She’ll usually be up on the latest gossip, and talk–innocently, of course–about friends behind their backs (“out of concern” or some such excuse). She’s typically the one to “accidentally” bring up the offhand comment you made about throwing a party–in front of the person she knows you did not invite. This will be passed off as an “oops” moment, or sometimes she’ll quietly slip away while you clean up the mess she created.

This person is not always easy to spot, because their claims and their actions do not align; it’s easy to miss negative behaviors if you’re busy absorbing those pretty words. But if you suddenly realize that you’re constantly involved in petty drama whenever you’re with her? Run, don’t walk.

The Lazy Leech

Maybe you knew this personality in college, and he was the life of the party. Whenever you get together now, the occasion usually begins with fun and good times. Slowly but surely, however, things start to decline: he forgets his wallet and doesn’t pay his tab at dinner or asks you to be best man at his wedding…even though you haven’t heard from him in years.

If he’s not putting genuine effort into the relationship on a regular basis–or sometimes, even his own life–except when it’s convenient for him or he needs something from you, you’re better off ignoring that call when his name pops up on your phone. His lack of effort is probably leading to some unnecessary resentment in your life, and it’s not innocuous. It’s toxic energy. (And he’s not really a friend. He’s a leech.)

Here’s the deal. Ask yourself these questions about each person you think of bringing into your life:

– Does this person add to my life?
– Do I consistently give far more to this relationship or friendship than they do?
– Are they sucking the life out of me every time I’m with them?

The answers to that quiz should be yes-no-no. If they aren’t, it’s time to nix ’em.

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Wellbeing

What My Children Taught Me About Confidence

I spent the majority of my twenties absolutely hating my body.
I wasn’t thin enough (which sadly I was too thin, but just didn’t see it for myself), I wasn’t fast enough (yet I ran a 1:39 half marathon), and I just wasn’t GOOD enough for anyone. I entered my thirties with zero confidence and absolutely miserable.  My life wake up call came when I was 32 and found I was pregnant. Suddenly my priorities had to switch from caring about ME to how was I going to care for this wonderful new life growing inside of me? It was a challenge and I was terrified.
If I thought I was slow before, being a pregnant runner was humbling. I will admit that I took the “eating for two” recommendation a little too far and packed on 65 pounds—most of it from ice cream.
Fast-forward to 10 years later and I now have four healthy, yet wild, little boys. While I am no longer that rail thin person I was in my twenties, I am much stronger both physically and mentally. My confidence is at an all-time high and I give full credit to my kids.
Here are four confidence lessons they have taught me:

1. Face your fears.

My middle son has some issues with social anxiety.  Although he is an amazing football player, the beginning of the season is always tough for him because he has to adjust to a new situation. We talk about his fears, he tells me how stressed he is, and yet he gets out there every year and faces his fears.
Whenever I pitch my blog to a new company, I feel the same thing—-“what if they don’t like me?”— now I think how if my son can do it, so can I!
If you want to get anywhere in life, you have to meet challenges head on. It’s okay to be afraid, but facing those fears is what will get you through them and make you strong enough to face the next one.

2. Bring your A game.

My kids are very competitive. They love to win and will go all out in their sports.  There are days when I am tempted to just dial-in a workout and then I am reminded by their enthusiasm for their sports.  I wouldn’t want them to just show up and be on the field without actually trying, right?  So the same goes for me.
Whatever plans you’ve made or goals you’ve set for yourself, always stick to them and just do your best. Obstacles arise and some days your motivation just isn’t there, but fighting through discouragement will always make you feel better than giving in to it.

3. Make new friends.

We just moved to a new neighborhood and I am amazed at how easily my kids make new friends. My 5-year-old asked me to ride bikes around the neighborhood with him so he could “meet new friends.” He told me maybe I would meet some new friends too! They make it sound so simple—and it is. I just need to step out of my comfort zone and talk to people because chances are, they could use some new friends too!
It is definitely more difficult to make new friends as an adult, but sometimes all it takes is a kind voice and a big smile. Look around at the people in your neighborhood and I bet you can find someone who shares the same interests as you.

4. Be happy in your body.

My kids never care about what they wear,  how their hair looks, or if their butt looks big! They are just happy to “be.” Sometimes I catch myself looking at my rear view and have to remind myself that no one else cares about it, and therefore neither should I!
We often are our own worst critics. Practice positive self-talk and be kinder to yourself. When negative thoughts pop in your head, remind yourself of how far you have come and how amazing you are!
Becoming a mom has brought me confidence in my life that I never thought possible. My kids love me unconditionally and because of that, I am able to do so as well.

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Wellbeing

Snacking Strategies From The Average Breakroom

I came into work the other day and the most beautiful sight met my eyes — frosted cupcakes. They were the good kind too. Professionally made from a boutique bakery, a solid two and a half inches of icing, and they were fresh. Huddled around these cake perfections was a group of people, basically drooling. To be honest, it was faintly uncomfortable. I felt like I needed to stuff one in my mouth just to prove they wouldn’t bite.
How many of you know that person at work who constantly talks about their diet, or says the phrase, “oh I really shouldn’t eat this but…” Dude, come on, I KNOW you’re going to eat way worse than that when you get home; don’t try and bamboozle me with these fake “healthy eating” habits. If you want a cupcake, eat the freaking cupcake!
And to be honest, if ONE donut is going to make or break your diet you probably need to reevaluate your eating plan. I promise, you will not turn into a human sized marshmallow with one bite.
As I was leaving the kitchen I heard someone say, “I’ll eat this cereal instead.” This is a fantastic decision – except the amount of Fruit Loops you just poured definitely cancels out anything you were trying to accomplish.
And this leaves us with the four types of eaters you’re bound to encounter at work.
1. The Happy Eater
The happy eater is someone who genuinely enjoys eating right but will splurge every now and then; they have nothing to hide. They’ll come in with their bagel or yogurt parfait. Will help themselves to birthday cake in the break room, but only if they want it. They may even want it, but decide against it because they’re going out later for happy hour. But they DON’T feel the need to announce their decision to everyone in a 12 foot radius.
2. The Pseudo-Healthy Eater
This person brags for days about how they’re vegan, only eat kale, and insist on having their water filtered three times followed by a natural blackberry infusion…
So what you’re telling me is you’re a vegan, but got McDonald’s last weekend when you were hungover… riiiight. Pseudo-healthy eaters find superiority in critiquing others’ food choices, and will make sure that their disapproval is sent with just the right amount of shade.
3. The Eater Who Needs Validation
Essentially, this type of snacker comprises the majority of the people we all work with. A typical conversation will go something like this:
“Oh wow, look at those brownies. They look so good. Ohh, I really shouldn’t eat them, but just one can’t hurt…right?”
“Oh you’re fine, just take one it’s not going to kill you.”
*Two hours later* 
“I’m just so hungry, do you think one more would be bad? I mean I’ll just go to the gym and workout longer to make up for it.”
These conversations are boring and tedious and should be curbed, like your appetite.
4. The Person Who Gives No F%*@s
Finally, we have the individual who couldn’t care less; they’re basically poisoning their body before your eyes. They’re fine eating Twinkies three times a day, will most likely eat a rather unhealthy amount of pizza, and leave your lunchroom smelling like tuna.
Between these four stereotypical snackers, company provided lunches are a living nightmare. People start self-validating themselves before they’ve even finished reading their email. Is it really that difficult to just eat something and move on???
Next time someone brings in cupcakes, I dare you to eat one. No not just one, how about five? Eat five and then go back to your desk and act like nothing happened. Chances are you’ll be the most talked about person of the day!

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Wellbeing

The Truth about Leaky Gut Syndrome: What It Is And Why You Want To Avoid It

After listening to me complain for years about my constantly stuffy nose, food cravings, allergies, and frequent, er, “stomach problems,” a doctor friend of mine threw out something I’d never heard of: “I think you might have leaky gut syndrome,” she said.
My first reaction was, “What a bunch of nonsense. How can guts leak?” That was immediately followed by, “Am I going to have to start using those adult diapers? I mean, if I’m truly leaking, where else could it go?” Turns out, guts actually can leak. That’s the bad news. The good news is that there’s no need to buy Depends—the leakage stays safely inside the body.
Actually, that’s only partly good news. The leakage in leaky gut syndrome (more technically called “increased intestinal permeability”) may be responsible for a huge variety of health issues, ranging from minor things like bloating, cramps, fatigue, food allergies and sensitivities, gas, and headaches to bigger things like autism, autoimmune conditions, depression and other mood disorders, diabetes, inflammatory bowel disease, and multiple sclerosis.
Let’s take a minute to talk about what, exactly, a leaky gut is. Close your eyes and imagine that your digestive tract is like a very crowded zoo where all the animals—in this case about 100 trillion microbes divided into anywhere from 300 to 1000 different species—are free to roam. As in any zoo, some of these microbes are good, others not so much. (Can’t you just hear Madonna singing, “We are living in a microbial world and I am a microbial girl”?)
The lining of your intestines is essentially a fence with microscopic holes in it that allows vitamins, minerals, and nutrients from your food out into the bloodstream while at the same time trying to keep the bad bacteria, pieces of undigested food, and other toxic gunk (yes, that’s exactly what you think it is) from getting out.
When the microbial balance in your gut is right, your whole body functions the way it’s supposed to. But when that balance gets out of whack—say because of chronic stress, chronic constipation, exposure to environmental toxins like pesticides, eating a poor diet, or taking an antibiotic that wipes out a lot those microbes—the “bad” bacteria cut holes in the fence and some of them, along with food particles and toxins, leak into the bloodstream.
When your immune system sees organisms where they don’t belong, it attacks, causing irritation and inflammation. In my case, the result was allergies, gas, and more. For other people, it’s a lot worse.
Because leaky gut has so many possible causes–and so many possibly symptoms–the medical community isn’t quite sure how to deal with it. Many people aren’t even sure that it’s right to call it a syndrome. But those who do—typically doctors who specialize in what’s called “functional medicine”—know exactly what to do: get those gut microbes back into balance. And they typically suggest a multi-step program, such as:

  • Remove foods and factors that create problems. In my case, my doctor friend took me off of gluten, sugar, and dairy.
  • Replace those foods with ones that are less likely to irritate your gut. Fermented foods such as sauerkraut, kimchi, yogurt, kefir, and even pickles, are considered healing foods.
  • Repair the damage with supplements. Recommendations include L-glutamine (an amino acid that can heal the intestinal lining), vitamin D, zinc, and omega-3 fatty acids (such as fish oil).
  • Repopulate your good gut bacteria. One way to do this is to take probiotics (millions of live, beneficial bacteria). Get recommendations from your doctor. The internet—and health food stores—are full of probiotics that promise you the world, but since they aren’t regulated by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA), there’s no way to verify those claims, accurately identify the exact strains of bacteria that are included, or even ensure their potency. Another way to rebalance your gut is to get a transplant from another person whose gut is already well balanced. This increasingly popular—and very successful—technique is called bacteriotherapy, which is a euphemism for fecal microbial transplant (FMT) or stool transplant. Yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like.

So far, I’ve gotten only as far as removing certain offending foods and eating more pickles and sauerkraut. The results have been nothing short of amazing. After just a few gluten-, sugar-, and dairy-free days, I was able to stop blowing my nose and clearing my phlegmy throat all the time, and my food cravings completely disappeared. I have breakfast at 6 a.m. and I’m not hungry at all until mid-afternoon.
One of the biggest leaky gut red flags is having issues with a variety of foods. But beyond that, if you have any annoying symptoms that haven’t responded to conventional treatment, talk with your healthcare provider about whether you might have leaky gut syndrome. Do not, however, try to treat it yourself.

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Wellbeing

Channel Your Inner Rebel To Supercharge Your Success

You have an inner rebel.

Everyone does. It’s the part of you that puts up a fight every time you try to cut calories, do insane amounts of exercise, and make superficial New Year’s resolutions.

It’s a big player in why you’ve failed many times in the past. But that doesn’t make it a bad thing! In fact, your inner rebel is your biggest asset…if you allow it to be.

See, your inner rebel aims to protect you from absurdity.

Doing Weight Watchers-style programs, forcing yourself to do insane amounts of exercise, demonizing sugar, relying on willpower, and adopting all of the other superficial dieting strategies is an absurd way to live. And your inner rebel knows that.

By the way, your inner rebel can’t be defeated. The more you suppress it, the louder its temper tantrums become. Success depends on channeling your inner rebel by listening to what it’s telling you and allowing it to act on your behalf.

Right now, there’s a good chance you’re trying to defeat your inner rebel on two fronts…

1. You’re going to war with your body in terms of food and lifestyle. This pisses your inner rebel off.

2. Whenever you have an opportunity to make authentic changes, you can’t get comfortable with going against the grain. This is a fear-based suppression of your inner rebel.

What would happen if you flipped this script?

What would happen if you stopped going to war with yourself and adopted an authentic approach to health and wellness?

I’ll tell you: Your inner rebel would stop going to war with you.

What would happen if you allowed your inner rebel to go to war with the mainstream bullshit going on around you? If you allowed it to wholly reject our processed food supply, the obsessive dieting strategies, perfectionism, the rampant search for magic pills, and the obsession with unrealistic body image?

I’ll tell you: Your inner rebel would empower you with self-confidence in a way that you’ve never experienced before. And it would free you from the prison of people-pleasing.

Do you feel uncomfortable traveling in the opposite direction of the herd? Do you feel like you’re stepping on toes when you tell people that you prefer real food? Do you find yourself jumping from diet to diet with everyone else, tuning in to Dr. Oz, and trying to find that (nonexistent) “missing link” to getting a body and life you love?

Do you feel out of step because of your lifestyle choices? Do you feel self-conscious? Do you feel lonely in your health journey?

These are all signs that you’re allowing fear to suppress your inner rebel when you should be allowing your inner rebel to charge forward.

The true rebel doesn’t care what others think. If the rebel has to be alone, the rebel will be alone. If the rebel is attacked, the rebel will stand up taller. The rebel does this because the rebel is concerned about doing what’s right and couldn’t care less about doing what’s popular.

The rebel will do other things that you’ll find highly beneficial. It will help you recruit other rebels. It will inspire others around you who are desperate for authenticity. It will strengthen your relationships. It will give you a sense of inner peace even in times of perceived chaos.

Your ability to channel your inner rebel will make or break your success because the mainstream is a lost cause. If you want to win, you must go against the grain. It’s true with nutrition, with parenting, with finances, with relationships…even with the type of shoes you wear.

If you can’t channel your inner rebel and allow it to fight shoulder to shoulder with you, the herd will swallow you whole.

You’ve seen this. You know people who are slogging through life on autopilot. They do everything the mainstream does and never diverge in any meaningful way. Don’t be that person!

Live your life! Your life. Authentically. Regardless of what everyone else is doing. And the only way to do that is to channel your inner rebel.

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Wellbeing

Using Meditation to Conquer Your Insomnia

I’ve lived with insomnia for almost a decade. It started with hitting my head on a chair. “Nothing more than a mild concussion,” they said. If only that had meant it wouldn’t affect me for the rest of my life. It’s a rare night when I can fall asleep easily and stay asleep through the night; and about once a month I just won’t be able to sleep at all.
Insomnia can be caused by a number of things. Aging alone decreases the neurotransmitters and affects sleep patterns. I am getting older! Stress and anxiety don’t help, and neither does chronic illness. Check. Check. And Check. Add indigestion and medications (or better yet indigestion caused by medications) and you can end up with serious issues with insomnia.
Lucky me, I have all of that!
But, insomnia is about more than just lost sleep; insomnia impairs your cognitive functioning, your behaviors, and your emotions. Insomnia affects every facet of your life, and it can often feel like nothing helps.
You follow all the instructions for great sleep hygiene, making sure the room is completely dark, the TV is off an hour before bed, you avoid electronics, take a warm bath, etc. Yet sleep still doesn’t come. Or you fall asleep only to wake up again two hours later. It seems like no matter how many sheep you count, you just can’t get back to sleep. But, I have found one thing you’ve probably not tried that really can help me get to sleep, or get back to sleep, and stay asleep—meditation.
Meditation is a practice, based on Eastern theology, of clearing the mind and focusing on a specific thought, to change the way you think. Meditation has been shown to be a powerful tool to help not only aid with insomnia, but improve self-confidence, develop positive emotions, reduce anxiety, and improve immune response (Sun, Kang, Wang, & Zeng, 2013).
Meditation is quite easy to learn thanks to the large number of apps available that offer meditation training. Typically, the apps allow you to choose a focus and most offer meditation to help calm you and help you fall asleep.
To find these apps visit the app store for your device and search for “meditation.” You’ll find several free apps, so just try a few until you find one you like.
I’ve tried a few of these apps and I’ve found that they can be really helpful. The meditations typically begin by telling you to clear your mind, they then provide you with guided imagery to help you focus your mind on an image that calms you and lulls you into sleep.
If you have a busy mind, like I do, it can be difficult to clear it and really focus on the imagery. I struggled, often finding my thoughts wavering back to real life, but the more that I practiced the easier it got to return to the focus provided by the meditation.
Often when I wake up in the middle of the night I will plug my headphones in and turn on one of these meditation apps and before I know it I’m back in a restful state and asleep; sometimes I won’t wake again until morning.
I find that when I’m using meditation regularly, I sleep better and stay calmer during the day.
These apps will typically allow you to choose to play a meditation once or have it repeat. Often, when I’ve chosen the latter I will wake up in the morning to find that it is still playing and I’ve slept right through it. I also find that when I use these meditations to help me sleep I wake up in a more restful state with less anxiety.
I will also use meditation during the day to help calm my nerves when I’m feeling anxious or stressed. A simple 15-minute meditation really helps clear the mind and leaves me refreshed, focused, and ready to face the day again. This decreased stress during the day may also contribute to the reduced insomnia later.
Proper sleep is associated with increased production, higher quality of life, improved cognitive functioning, improved life satisfaction and happiness, and decreased inflammation (Irwin, et al., 2013).
Insomnia often prevents our ability to get this proper sleep, but meditation can help. By learning to use meditation to conquer your insomnia you will find that you not only sleep better at night, but you wake up more refreshed, less stressed, and with higher mental functioning. Using meditation during the day can also help reduce your stress and aid in conquering insomnia.

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Wellbeing

Here's The Secret To Feeling Better When You're Feeling Down

Most people have struggled with self-esteem issues at some point in their lives. Sadly, many people compare themselves to the best of the best: movie stars, sports heroes, and supermodels. This unrealistic and unhealthy comparison can set anyone up for a sense of perceived failure.
Supermodels are a very small population, and even they are made to appear more flawless with the help of computerized editing. As you gaze upon picture-perfect images in magazines, it’s no wonder you may become more critical about the way you look in comparison.
With obesity on the rise and activity at an all-time low, there may appear to be an even a bigger wedge between reality and Hollywood’s standards. As a result, you can easily be left feeling very discouraged and insecure.
If this sounds familiar, implementing an exercise plan may give you the confidence boost you need.
Exercise will make you feel better.

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One of the most common complaints inactive people have is that they simply do not feel well. Not only does an inactive lifestyle lend itself to low energy and sickness, a sedentary life increases the risk for numerous health issues, including high blood pressure, anxiety, depression, cancer, obesity, and heart disease. As you begin to exercise, you will quickly notice a variety of immediate benefits, beginning with improved sleep and increased energy. The longer you exercise, the more health benefits you will discover.
In addition to improving the way you feel physically, exercise also improves the way you look. Since many people are not happy with their bodies, making any physical improvement is always welcomed. Even if you do not lose weight, regular exercise can increase muscle tone and reduce body fat.
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Whether you are getting stronger, faster, or leaner, each victory will take your self-esteem to the next level. This sense of accomplishment can give you the added assurance you need to pursue your dreams and set higher goals both in and out of the gym.
Nothing builds self-confidence like gaining physical strength and power. As you attempt new exercises and complete more difficult workouts, you begin to accomplish tasks in the gym that seemed impossible in the very beginning. The more you challenge your body, the more you uncover your true potential. Even the smallest accomplishment can result in a huge mental boost.
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Stress and anxiety can take a toll on your self-esteem. Ironically, people who need to exercise the most feel they do not have the time to work out.
However, if they did work out, they would be surprised how much exercise would help them handle stress and manage their time. Multiple studies have followed the psychological effects exercise has on a person’s mental status. Researchers have found that exercise reduces depression and anxiety and helps people manage stress. As you handle life’s stresses better, you are able to relax more and get better sleep so you are refreshed for the next day. When your thoughts are not consumed with worry, you are able to focus on your daily tasks. As a result, you are more productive and more in control, giving you an increased sense of accomplishment.
While it is always best to consult a physician to rule out any mental-health or body-image disorders, exercise has been proven to be a very successful remedy for low self-esteem.

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Wellbeing

Is Maternity Leave Really That Important?

My fatigued eyes burn as I stare into the bright screen, which is balanced on my lap. I quickly open five different browsers and begin the arduous task of working from home with a newborn, five days after delivery. I wince as I shift from side to side, grimacing when I realize that I forgot to take my medicine an hour ago.
I’m sure most of you have either gone through this same situation or known of someone who has. It’s pretty typical considering only 12% of Americans have access to paid parental leave. Parental leave is not considered a right as it is in most countries.
When I became pregnant and informed my employer, my heart sunk at his reaction. Instead of congratulatory remarks, the conversation immediately shifted to my workload and how he’d have to find a replacement once I left. Mind you, I never once mentioned quitting my job and had to fight to keep my position throughout my pregnancy.
Although discrimination isn’t allowed in a workplace, there are certain exceptions to the rule. An employer can fire an employee for taking time off after giving birth if it will negatively affect his or her workplace. This loophole applies to private and small companies, which unfortunately describes where I worked.
My two options were to enjoy an indefinite unpaid maternity leave, which would give me ample time to bond with my baby, or to begin work immediately once my child was old enough for daycare. And yes, indefinite unpaid maternity leave, as fancy as it sounds, is code for – UNEMPLOYMENT.

Is Maternity Leave Necessary?

Some institutions want us to believe that maternity leave isn’t necessary, but let’s take a closer look at some of the negative effects when maternity leave is not readily available.
– Mothers returning to the workforce ten days after labor and delivery is both physically harmful and mentally taxing. Physicians have strongly advised women to be off their feet the first six weeks post-delivery, and that’s if they had a vaginal delivery without complications.
The first three weeks you’re not supposed to lift anything heavier than ten pounds, but some women are expected to be lifting 25 pounds when they return to their job only days after delivery.
– Hormones are also in flux post-partum, with 9-16% of women suffering from postpartum depression. As a mother, my emotions went from happy to overwhelmed in a matter of seconds. The stress of going back to work so early only makes these feelings worse.
-Breast milk supply drops when you return to the workforce. Although scientifically speaking, working doesn’t reduce your supply, the environment plays a negative toll. Many offices do not have a nursing station, so females are forced to sit in bathrooms and pump. Expressing milk in this form eventually will lower supply, as you’re not able to extract the same amount your baby ordinarily would.
Breastfeeding is the best way to provide your newborn with nutrients. 77% of women start off breastfeeding but by the six-month mark, the percentage has dropped to 36%. This is largely attributed to the difficulties women encounter when they re-enter the workforce.
-The emotional bond mothers create during those first weeks after birth are indescribable. Your child is completely dependent on you. All they’ve known is the warmth and confined space you provided them when they were in utero. To completely remove this experience is a tragedy at best.
So let’s see, what have we learned so far? It’s CLEARLY more important to have a fresh mother come back to the office just days after giving birth. Just think how much work she’s going to accomplish in between pumping every two hours, managing her pain, and pushing through separation anxiety from her newborn.
I was fortunate enough to work from home the first few months, but the income I was accruing was more than half what it normally would’ve been.

But I Thought America Was Progressive

In many ways, the United States is extremely progressive. However, the ease of family planning isn’t one of them.
Did you know that there are only three countries in the modern world that do not have guaranteed maternity leave?
Papau New Guinea, Oman, and the U.S.
In 1993, the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA ) was signed into effect. It allows mothers to take up to three months of unpaid time off after they have a baby and they will be guaranteed that their job will still be waiting for them. However, FMLA covers only about 59% of U.S. workers. The caveat is the employee must have worked 1,250 hours in order to be eligible and their company has to have at least 50 employees.
Only 12% of families have access to paid leave. Research has indicated that 43% of women who don’t receive paid maternity leave are more likely to drop out of the workforce completely.
Although FMLA ensures that women will not lose their jobs while they spend time with their newborn, it does not assist them in receiving income while they’re off. For many families, the option for FMLA is a moot point since they can’t survive on one person’s salary. Some companies offer short-term disability, but the arduous paperwork creates unforeseen roadblocks.
Adding an additional family member is supposed to be a celebrated, monumental event. However, for a large number of families this excitement is tainted by the anxiety of making ends meet while the mother recovers postpartum. The physical and emotional benefits the mother and child receive while spending the first 12 weeks together is priceless, but even if this isn’t a possibility you can still make the most of your time while you’re at home and with the newest addition.

Stress Management

Unfortunately there are no legal solutions in the foreseeable future, and to be honest there is not much you can do to relieve the physical discomfort you may endure when returning to the workforce too early, but there are many ways that you can make the transition easier from an emotional standpoint.
Set an intention – Going into the workforce with a positive attitude can surprisingly do wonders for your mental health. Knowing that you are working to provide for the wellbeing of your child is incredibly gratifying. Mothers and fathers will do amazing things to ensure that their young receive the best, and you will be no different.
Investigate daycares – As soon as that pregnancy test turns positive start calling up your local daycares. There are multiple websites that can be a great resource as well. Once you put your name on a waiting list, and price out the daycares to find the most affordable option, you can take let out another sigh of relief.  Eliminating the uncertainty for childcare will make your transition that much easier. Some mothers even start their own in-home daycare. This enables them to earn a small income while absolving childcare costs.
Find some rest – Although this may seem impossible when you have a little one, try and get some rest. Share the house load with your partner and try and take naps to recharge for your upcoming day. When your body is depleted of sleep things become harder for you physically and emotionally, and I think it’s pretty evident how much a positive attitude will assist you.
The more we raise our voices and petition for change, the greater the chances are for a serious dialogue to take place. Unpaid maternity leave, or no maternity leave at all, is a travesty. However with thousands of women across the country going through the same journey, we can learn to rely on one another for support and hopefully our comradery will provide an united front for future change.

Categories
Wellbeing

10 Signs You're In a Lasting Relationship

Just before you couple up, or as soon as your relationship reaches a new level of depth, you’re probably thinking the same thing your partner is thinking… Is this really going to last? Let’s face it. Energy is finite, and no one’s gonna bank on a relationship that’s trajectory is akin to a roller coaster at Six Flags.

Whether you’re trying to improve the quality of your relationship, or just start out on the right foot, you can change the game by focusing on how you relate to your significant other. I asked three marital therapists exactly what they look for when determining if a pair is going to survive the tough times. (Get these right, and you’ll probably go the distance.) Here’s what they notice among the strongest couples.

Do they make time for each other?

A relationship isn’t going anywhere without quality time, says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D, psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. “Lasting couples make time for intimacy, so regard your face-to-face time as sacred,” she says.

Ah, intimacy… do we actually know what that means, though? “Intimacy is the art of making your partner feel understood and accepted,” she says. “When this feeling is created, barriers fall. Gentle touch, eye contact, a sense of humor and the right words all create the atmosphere.” Reconnect by going the extra mile to listen and understand your partner’s needs and wants — and cuddle up and touch as often as possible, says Tessina. (Can do, right?)

Do they let the little things go?

Small tiffs can be as harmful to a relationship is those big, blowout arguments where lines are drawn — and more confusing if they accumulate over time. “A very good sign when both partners can let go of small things,” Juliana Neiman, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in New York City. “When they accept they are different from each other, and they have different wants, needs and personality traits.”

Neiman says she looks for couples who embrace their differences and quirks, and are genuinely accepting that they can still have a good life together — even if their spouse is always running late or is a liiiittle bit forgetful. “It is a good sign when partners take care of each other, support each other, have fun together, make each other laugh and surprise each other with small gestures of love, romance and mutual care,” Neiman says. So, in essence: let the negative little things go, bolstering your relationship with positive little things.

Are they a team?

Lasting marriages are the result of two people becoming a united front. “The most powerful thing a couple can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed,” says Tessina. They’re on the same page, they talk through issues instead of running from them, and they fight fair.

Tessina says this foundation is built through connection — shared time, continued communication, and considering your S.O.’s side. “If you really want to restore the marriage, begin not by complaining, but by seeking to understand your partner,” she explains. “Once the connection is there, you can begin to work out the issues.”

Can they forgive each other?

Long-lasting couples don’t hold a grudges. That means, if he stays out late with the guys and doesn’t tell you beforehand, you approach the subject directly at the next opportunity — not getting passive-aggressive about it the next day. “Successful couples know how to talk about what’s bothering them in a rational way,” says Tessina. “Ask clearly for what you want, and let your partner know why it’s important to you. If you can’t find a way to agree, go for a counseling session. Resentment will destroy your marriage.”

Think about it. If you’re still mad about something unspoken that he did a month ago, and get increasingly passive-aggressive about it, he’s never going to know. Speak up, hash it out, and move on.

Do they show appreciation?

When’s the last time you told your spouse thank you? Lots of couples falter due to a lack of gratitude in their relationship. “Lasting couples show their appreciation — so let your partner know you appreciate what he or she does, their personality traits like sense of humor or hard work, and companionship,” Tessina says. “The more you praise what you like, the more you’ll get of it.  We all want to be appreciated.”

No one wants to feel taken for granted, and everyone loves getting snaps for their successes. Here’s the formula, folks: celebration + appreciation = motivation.

Do they both value a long-term commitment?

Marriage isn’t all romance. At the end of the day, it’s a conscious decision to stay the course, even through trying times. “Every single time I meet a couple who has been together for 20 years or more, I always ask what they think has kept them going,” says Jodie Voth, a marriage and family therapist in private practice in Manitoba, Canada. “So far, every answer I’ve gotten has been some version of, ‘Because we decided that we’re committed.'”

Voth says, because they’ve decided to remove the exit door from their marriage, it changes the way these men and women behave in their relationships, so it’s an important question to ask before you get hitched. “A forever commitment doesn’t fit within everyone’s value system, and that’s okay — but be honest with yourself and your partner,” she says.

Do they fight fair?

Super-awesome, lasting couples don’t take opportunities to bring their partners down — even if those opportunities present themselves during a rift, and no matter how upset or angry they feel. “It is never a good sign when both partners show a lot of contempt towards each other, demonstrating not only anger, but dismissiveness and a complete lack concern for each other,” says Neiman, who cringes when couples utter phrases like, ‘How can I even talk to him?’ or “I should have never married her!’ (…but I’m sure you’ve never said that.)

Making your partner feel worthless is not a recipe for a healthy, happy relationship; listening closely, refraining from cutting remarks and calmly talking about faults and problems is.

Do they accept responsibility for their parts?

You gotta own your piece, because, more often than not, there are two guilty parties when problems arise. “When both partners blame and criticize each other constantly, and they attribute all their problems to each other, they are not able or willing to look at themselves in order to become more aware of their own negative contributions to their difficulties,” says Neiman.

Common examples of the blame game are, ‘Of course this is all his fault!’ and ‘Let me tell you what she has done in the last few years…’ But couples who are strong and steady? “They are very willing to look at themselves and in a very honest way, understand what their own negative contributions to the relationship are, and they are willing to try some changes,” Neiman says. As the saying goes, relationships are all about compromise.

Do they respect each other?

In healthy couples, there’s a serious lack of one-sidedness. Each spouse is engaged in the thoughts and opinions of their counterpart — in good times and bad. “It is a very good sign when partners are genuinely interested to listen and hear each other,” says Neiman. “To know what they each need, what they are unhappy and unsatisfied with, and again, they are both willing to seriously try and challenge themselves to make changes.”

When Neiman asks partners to share what they think their partners need and want — and they seem to know their partner well — she senses the respect. “It’s a strong foundation, and this relationship has a good chance to fix, repair, tolerate crisis and move on into an even stronger, loving relationship.”

Do they agree about the future?

If one spouse sees a white picket fence, while
their partner is dreaming of grad school or European getaways, those differing views of the future don’t bode well for a smooth marriage. “For those who are young and don’t have kids yet, do they agree on whether or not they’ll have a family? This is a big one,” Voth says. “If they’ve been able to have this conversation, it tells me two things: they’ve each asked and answered for themselves an important question, and they’ve been able to have a challenging conversation that is often avoided.”

Whether you’re married or not, issues like these need to be sorted out stat — because it’s impossible to compromise on some things. “There’s no such thing as having half a baby,” says Voth. So, work on hashing out these biggies before you walk down the aisle, or see a counselor if you’re already wed and need help deciding how to move forward in your relationship.

Are they truly friends?

The spark only sizzles for a few years, tops, before that searing blaze starts to dwindle — which is why it’s essential to make sure your spouse is your best bud, too. “Romance and lust will only go so far, so after that, couples need to have shared interests, and enjoy being together,” explains Voth. “If a couple does a lot of activities together — even the day-to-day stuff like grocery shopping — it’s a good sign they’ll have something to carry them through when times get challenging.”

So, join a book club or cooking class, laugh at trashy TV together, and remember that relationships aren’t all work. Sometimes, happy relationships are basically just geeking out about the new Star Wars movie together. (Which is pretty sweet, in my opinion.)

Categories
Wellbeing

Yes, You DO Have Time

One of the biggest hurdles for me after having becoming a mom was to find time for my own workouts. Gone are the days of spending 2 hours at the gym followed by a nice long hot shower. These days I am lucky if I get to take a shower at all!

My time is no longer about me, so I started to believe if I couldn’t go to the gym for an hour, then I would just scrap it all and do nothing. (sound familiar?)

It took some time, but once I let go of that ‘all or nothing’ mindset, I started to give myself a little grace. I have since adopted the mindset of doing the best that I can, with the time I have available.

If I take my kids to the park, I do some pull ups on the monkey bars and do squats and lunges in between pushing them on the swings. I use the park bench for dips and step ups. I chase them up and down the hills for cardio. It is not my ideal workout, but it is definitely better than nothing!

Bodyweight exercises such as squats and push ups can be done anywhere. Waiting on the water to boil? Throw in a set of squats. Kids taking a bath in the bathtub? Use that time to work on your push ups! My kids love to count for me or tell me when I’m not going down far enough. (seriously?!) Wall sits are an excellent way to build leg strength and my kids love to do it with, or on, me!

Since becoming a mom, I have learned to adapt and let go of “perfection”.

I cringe when my friends tell me “I don’t have time” especially when they have time to tell me all about the latest on their favorite TV show. If you have time to watch TV or check Facebook every night, then you can certainly find short windows of time in your day to blast out some exercise!

I like to come up with short, yet intense, workouts that can be done in 15 minutes. Grab a kettlebell and do 20 rounds of kettlebell swings–30 seconds of work, followed by 20 seconds of rest. That is about 250 swings in a short amount of time. Not too shabby for a quick workout, huh?

No worries if you don’t have any equipment, use can use the stairs as your workout! Set up a timer to beep every minute as you run up and down your staircase. When the timer beeps, stop and do 10 air squats. Do this for 15­-20 minutes without stopping and your legs will be on fire! If you sit at a desk all day long, schedule in short breaks for you to walk laps around the building. If possible, sneak in some squats or lunges in the office.

Anything that keeps your body moving and blood flowing is a good thing.

Finding time for fitness when you are a busy parent isn’t easy, but it CAN be done. So let’s lose the “busy” excuse and find the time to get creative, get moving and get results!