Categories
Health x Body Wellbeing

What Is Functional Medicine? What To Know And How To Find The Right Doctor

I’ll be completely honest; I’d actually never heard of functional medicine before I began my research for this piece. But as someone who’s dealt with chronic muscle pain for several years with few answers from conventional medical practitioners, I was eager to learn more.
In case you aren’t familiar with it, functional medicine is considered an alternative to the current model of healthcare and has been touted by Mark Hyman, MD—functional medicine authority and former advisor to the Clintons—as the future of medical care in the United States.
But just what is functional medicine? We spoke to experts and functional medicine practitioners to find out everything you need to know prior to your first consultation.

What is functional medicine?

In short, functional medicine strives to look at the body as a whole, considering how the affected organs function together to devise a treatment plan for patients.
Now, you may be thinking, Wait—isn’t that how traditional medical care is supposed to work?
Well…sort of. While medical practitioners know that certain parts of the body interact with one another, conventional medicine typically focuses on alleviating a patient’s individual symptoms.
For example, if you visit your general practitioner because you suspect you have heartburn, your doctor will probably prescribe antacids to alleviate the symptoms and send you home. A doctor of functional medicine, on the other hand, wants to know what’s going on in other parts of your body that may be causing your heartburn to flare up. They may determine that an underlying issue is the cause of your heartburn—one that can be treated without requiring you to take antacids.
There’s nothing wrong with either treatment method, as the goal of both conventional and functional medicine is to help patients get well.
Still, if you’ve suffered from chronic illness or are looking for an alternative to your current medical care, functional medicine might be for you.
“Functional medicine is helpful for anyone, but it is most useful for people who have been to many doctors, tried a lot of possible solutions, and are no closer to solving their health challenges,” says Amanda Malachesky, a functional nutrition coach based in Petrolia, California. “And while people often want to go straight to treating the root causes, functional practitioners begin always with the foundations of health: diet, sleep, exercise, stress reduction, and blood sugar management.”
Doctors of functional medicine are real doctors who have been to medical school and are licensed medical practitioners. In fact, functional medicine is built on the foundation of conventional medicine and is more a philosophy of care than a totally different healthcare field. There are three principles that guide doctors of functional medicine, Malachesky explains.
“Functional medicine works towards root-cause resolution, works to use tools and frameworks to help us identify these root causes … and honors each client or patient as a truly unique individual, and tailors recommendations and treatments to the individual.”
[pullquote align=”center”]“Functional medicine is helpful for anyone, but it is most useful for people who have been to many doctors, tried a lot of possible solutions, and are no closer to solving their health challenges.”
—Amanda Malachesky, Functional Nutrition Coach[/pullquote]
Doctors aren’t the only professionals who can leverage functional medicine’s principles. Almost any licensed healthcare provider, like a chiropractor, registered nurse, or dietitian, can practice functional medicine as it applies to their field of care.
These principles ensure that patients are always first, and while you may not get a quick fix for what’s ailing you, a quality functional medicine practitioner will be dedicated to finding the root cause of your healthcare concern.

Are functional medicine and integrative medicine the same thing?

Functional medicine is an extension of integrative medicine,” says Clayton Bell, MD, a physician at the University of Tennessee Medical Center who specializes in integrative medicine. “The two fields are more of a continuum than two distinct medical entities.”
“Integrative medicine is a mind-body-spirit holistic approach to healing that incorporates the best of Western medicine along with ancient healing traditions of the East,” Bell continues. “Anything that relates to a person’s health, wellness, and vitality would be an instrument of healing through integrative medicine. When one optimizes their nutrition, stress resiliency, physical activity, and sleep, all conditions have a better opportunity to heal.”
Both integrative medicine and functional medicine take a holistic approach to treating patients. In addition to finding the root cause of an illness, functional medicine focuses heavily on building healthy lifestyle habits to improve patient outcomes.
The goal of functional medicine is simply understanding underlying issues and contributing factors and addressing healthcare holistically,” says James Greenblatt, MD, medical director of Walden Behavioral Care.  
Bell adds that functional medicine is a science- and evidence-based field that takes more of a systems-based approach to medical care that’s uniquely personalized to the patient, focusing on the patient’s genetic background as a key to finding the root of a patient’s illness.
And, though there aren’t a lot of studies that specifically research functional medicine outcomes, Malachesky says there’s plenty of research to back up functional medicine’s science-based claims:

There are thousands of articles and publications studying the science of gut health, the role of inflammation in the development and management of chronic disease, and immune signaling and its role in chronic disease conditions. Functional nutrition and medicine practitioners view health problems through these and other related lenses, and I believe that we will find the approach fully validated as new studies are completed.

Are functional medicine practitioners real doctors?

The short answer: Yes!
All well-trained physicians of functional medicine are licensed medical professionals that have taken additional training not taught in medical school,” says Greenblatt.
The Institute of Functional Medicine (IFM) is currently one of the few training centers for functional medicine. To become certified in functional medicine, a healthcare provider must have already received a healthcare degree from an accredited university and hold up-to-date licensure in their area of practice.
To become a certified functional medicine practitioner, accepted IFM applicants must complete coursework in six areas: gastrointestinal, detox, immune, hormone, cardiometabolic, and energy. Students must also complete a case study and take a written exam to complete the course. To maintain certification, functional medicine practitioners must retake the written exam and provide up-to-date licensure information every six years.
[pullquote align=”center”]“The goal of functional medicine is simply understanding underlying issues and contributing factors and addressing healthcare holistically.”
—James Greenblatt, MD[/pullquote]
Ultimately a doctor of functional medicine certified by IFM will be an MD and be qualified as a conventional medical provider. Other healthcare workers like registered nurses, acupuncturists, and registered dietitians may also become certified in functional medicine, but they can only apply functional medicine to their specific fields.
Greenblatt says that, like every field of care, there are some functional medicine professionals who are more qualified than others, and that unfortunately there are sometimes imposters who aren’t licensed or certified. When looking for a functional medicine practitioner, Greenblatt suggests patients make sure their certification is from IFM or another reputable functional medicine certification program. If someone is calling themselves a doctor of functional medicine and they don’t have the proper licensure or hold a degree, then they’re likely not certified as real doctors of functional medicine.
In other words? Do your homework just as you would before seeing any new healthcare provider, and don’t be afraid to verify their credentials before attending an appointment or receiving treatment if you feel at all uncomfortable.

Functional Medicine Treatment

When making an initial appointment with a functional medicine doctor, be prepared to spend quite a bit more time at the visit than you would with your general practitioner. A functional medicine provider is going to take a detailed personal and family medical history and take into consideration your answers to questions about your symptoms and overall experience of health prior to prescribing any treatments.
Using IFM’s database, it’s easy to find a certified functional medicine provider. You can search by location, certification, and specialty to find the provider who’s right for you and your needs.
Part of functional medicine is building a trust-based relationship between provider and patient, so don’t be afraid to speak up, ask questions, and be an advocate for your own health. Not sure what to ask? Here’s a list of questions to get you started.
One of the hallmarks of functional medicine is a treatment plan that is totally individualized to the patient. Still, after your initial consultation, you can expect extensive lab work and genetic testing that will be an integral part of determining whether you have any underlying issues.
Greenblatt describes an example of crafting a care plan with patients: “if a patient is suffering from a mental health issue, we would do extensive testing to uncover whether or not an underlying issue might be affecting how they feel, like a gut imbalance”—a method that demonstrates functional medicine’s understanding of the mind–body connection. “Then, we’d work to treat those issues holistically rather than prescribing medication to treat the symptoms, like depression or anxiety, of the underlying issue.”
Typically, a functional medicine (much like an integrative medicine) care plan will focus on helping patients alleviate their health issues through lifestyle changes first. This treatment might be as simple as changing your diet, going for a daily walk, or participating in yoga and meditation. If these non-invasive treatments don’t work, then your doctor might consider medication or surgery.

Does insurance cover functional medicine?

Most of the time.
“Visits to most certified functional medicine physicians fall into the category of good medical care,” Greenblatt says. But because functional medicine relies on extensive testing, some costs, like lab work or other testing, may not be covered by your insurer.
Additionally, if you are seeking treatment with a functional medicine practitioner who is a healthcare professional in another field, like a chiropractor or a nutritionist, treatment may not be covered by your insurance.
[pullquote align=”center”]“If a patient is suffering from a mental health issue, we would do extensive testing to uncover whether or not an underlying issue might be affecting how they feel, like a gut imbalance.”
—James Greenblatt, MD[/pullquote]
The best thing to do?
Check with your insurance provider before scheduling an appointment with a functional medicine provider so there are no surprise out-of-pocket fees.

So is functional medicine right for you?

If you’re looking for a quick fix to a health problem, then functional medicine probably isn’t going to be a good fit. But if you’re really interested in understanding how your body’s genetics and biology work together, then functional medicine just may provide the answers to your medical concerns.

Categories
Health x Body Wellbeing

Can You Get Pregnant On Your Period? You Asked, We Answered

Can I get pregnant on my period? If you’ve ever asked yourself that question, don’t worry: You’re not the only one wondering.
Whether you’re trying to conceive or actively trying to avoid conception, knowing when you’re fertile enough for sperm to meet egg and make a baby can be confusing. Even if you got an A+ in health class, our bodies are all different, and that means the cycle of one woman, transgender man, or non-binary person can be ever-so-slightly off from their peers, making that exact moment when you might experience a pregnancy different from your best friend.
The short answer? Yes, it is entirely possible to get pregnant on your period.
If you are flashing back to health class and thinking hey, wait a second, we hear you. The longer answer is yes, but

Can you get pregnant on your period?

No matter what your high school best friend always said, there is no one time of the month when it’s 100 percent guaranteed that you can have unprotected sex with no repercussions. The risk of sexually transmitted infections aside, there is a risk of pregnancy—albeit a slight one—that comes with period sex.
If you’re wondering how it can happen, it all has to do with the timing of your menstrual cycle.
A “normal” (meaning typical of most folks) cycle lasts anywhere from 27 to 35 days, says Mary Fleming, OB-GYN and attending physician at Einstein Medical Center Montgomery in East Norriton, Pennsylvania. Day one of a menstrual cycle is considered the first day of your period (or the day you start bleeding). Your cycle then continues for that 27 to 35 days until a new cycle begins with the arrival of your next period.
For most people, a period lasts about three to seven days, Fleming says. Counting ahead, in most folks, ovulation occurs about two weeks later (anywhere from 10 to 17 days into the cycle). “Ovulation is the process of the ovary releasing the egg and its migration through the fallopian tubes,” Fleming explains.
Of course, it takes an egg for someone to get pregnant, as conception happens when a sperm and egg come together and form an embryo. That period of ovulation is also referred to as your fertile window, the one time in your cycle when you are most likely to get pregnant.
Do a little math, and it seems hard to imagine how someone could possibly get pregnant during their period, right? Ten days, which marks the early end of a fertile window for the average person, is at least three full days after the seven-day mark, which again marks the outset for most women’s cycles! Well, this is why it’s rare to get pregnant on your period.
But rare doesn’t mean it never happens, Fleming says. The most likely reason for someone to get pregnant during their period? A menstrual cycle that’s different from the norm.
“The most likely explanation for those women who conceive when they are on their period is that those women are not having regular ovulatory cycles,” Fleming says. “These women may bleed sporadically, have intermittent spotting, or bleed for long periods of time. This typically means they are not ovulating or ovulating unpredictably.”
Even in women who do have regular menstrual cycles, studies have found that estimating your fertile window may not be as easy as counting ahead 10 days after the menstrual cycle begins. According to one study performed by the Biostatistics Branch of the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences, “In only about 30 percent of women is the fertile window entirely within the days of the menstrual cycle identified by clinical guidelines—that is, between days 10 and 17.”
In other words, it can fall earlier, putting fertility closer to the period when someone is still bleeding.
Getting pregnant “during your period” may also happen when you confuse your period with bleeding from some other condition.
For example, Fleming says, cervical or endometrial polyps may cause bleeding from the vagina, as can cervicitis (an infection of the cervix) or vaginitis (an infection of the vagina such as yeast or bacterial vaginosis) or even micro-tears in the vagina due to vaginal dryness.
If someone assumes that they’re bleeding because of their period but has not actually reached that point in their menstrual cycle, the risk of pregnancy from unprotected sex goes up.

How to Avoid Pregnancy on Your Period

If your goal is to prevent pregnancy, there are a number of birth control options to consider, all of which should be used straight through your period.
The IUD, birth control pill, and other contraceptives can all make period sex safer—at least when it comes to pregnancy risk. To protect against STIs, always use a condom.

What if you want to get pregnant?

If you are trying to conceive, skipping birth control is a big start, but don’t depend on period sex to get you there, Fleming says. Because it’s rare, she still recommends determining your fertility window and having sex more often during that time.
“You will need to determine when you ovulate by keeping a menstrual calendar with a mobile app, basal body temperature charting, or a commercial ovulation predictor kit,” she suggests. “The first day of bleeding is day one. Once you know the length of your cycles (day one to day one), count backwards 14 days.”
Have fun!

Categories
Happy x Mindful Wellbeing

Is Online Therapy Legit?

Therapy can be useful for anyone, whether you’re struggling with mental health issues or not. Sadly, though, it’s not always attainable for those who need it: Therapy can be expensive and difficult to access, especially if you live in a rural area.
Online therapy, also known as e-therapy, can make mental healthcare a little more accessible for those who need it. If you struggle to find transportation to a therapist, or if you can’t find a local therapist you like, online therapy could be the answer.
Jana Scrivani, PsyD, a licensed psychologist and online therapy expert, says that flexibility is a huge appeal of online therapy. “Online therapy sessions can be held wherever you have an internet connection! Additionally, online therapy makes it possible for people who are unable to get childcare or those with mobility limitations to have more choice and better access to care,” she says.  
“We live in a fast-paced society, and for some people, making an appointment and sticking to it is difficult,” says Sal Raichbach, PsyD, LCSW of Ambrosia Treatment Center. Ambrosia’s Family Wellness program offers free therapy sessions via webcam for addicts and alcoholics as well as their loved ones. “Additionally, mental health issues can pop up anytime, and the option of having a licensed therapist to talk to anytime is a tremendous asset to the mental health community,” Raichbach adds. “Those who are handicapped, live in remote areas, or are immobile can also enjoy the accessibility of e-therapy from the comfort of their home.”
If you’re considering online therapy, here’s what you need to know.

What is online therapy?

“Online therapy” is a broad term. It could refer to occasionally using video chat to talk to your therapist if you’re traveling or moving to a new city, or it could refer to using portals like BetterHelp or Talkspace to find and talk to a therapist. There are dozens of online therapy portals, each with their own guidelines, drawbacks, and advantages.
Online therapy could also refer to using artificial intelligence and chatbots for therapeutic purposes. For example, Woebot is a free-to-use automated conversational agent, or chatbot, designed by scientists at Stanford University. Woebot tracks the user’s mood, helps the user to find potentially harmful patterns in their behavior, and offers tools and strategies to help the user improve their mood and work through their struggles. In a trial, it was found that Woebot reduced depression and anxiety in users. Another example of a therapy chatbot is Wysa, which is also free.
Most online therapy—whether it involves talking to a real therapist or a chatbot—relies on talk therapy and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques. This involves discussing your thoughts, feelings, and actions, and processing them. It also involves noticing and breaking potentially harmful patterns of thought and behavior. It aims to make you more aware of your moods, and it’s one of the most widely-used and studied forms of therapy for mood disorders.

Does online therapy actually work?

Online therapy might sound good, but is it an effective alternative to in-person therapy?
Both Scrivani and Raichbach note that online therapy can be just as beneficial as face-to-face therapy. Studies have suggested that online therapy is an effective form of treatment for depression and anxiety as well as post-traumatic stress disorder. One 2013 study suggested that online therapy was just as good as face-to-face therapy.
Of course, there are some limitations to online therapy, Raichbach says. Communication is an essential element of therapy, and if that communication is compromised, it will influence the effectiveness of your treatment. “When it comes to chat therapy, where a therapist and client are joined by text or instant-message chat, there can be some things that get lost in translation,” he explains. “If you think about how often context is misunderstood when you are texting a friend or family member, you can understand why this isn’t ideal for a long-term therapeutic relationship.” Additionally, online therapy can be difficult if the client doesn’t have regular access to a stable internet connection.
However, Raichbach adds, online therapy can still be a more accessible alternative to face-to-face therapy—and some therapy is better than no therapy. “For someone who is nervous about therapy or doesn’t have a lot of time on their hands, it can be a great way to get their feet wet,” he adds. Some clients may be more comfortable seeking in-person therapy after they’ve experienced online therapy, so it can be a useful first step.

Will my privacy be protected in online therapy?

Many of us are increasingly aware of our online privacy—or lack thereof—especially when it comes to social media. Understandably, when it comes to e-therapy, many of us have privacy concerns too. After all, you’re telling someone your most intimate thoughts.
However, there are certain laws that protect your privacy when you speak to your therapist online. “Online communications between a client and therapist should be held to the standards outlined in the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, or HIPAA, which is a law governing the privacy and security of electronic health information,” Scrivani says. HIPAA applies to all healthcare providers in the United States. “There are platforms that are encrypted and meet HIPAA standards for privacy protection, and these are the platforms which should be used for tele-mental health.” Scrivani adds that apps like Skype and Facetime are not HIPAA compliant. “In the event that there are questions about the use of unsecure platforms like email, your therapist should review the risks to your privacy with you prior to your agreement to use them,” she says.
Before you sign up with an online therapy platform, take a look at their privacy policy. Is the platform HIPAA compliant? If it’s not a platform based in the U.S., what laws are there to protect your privacy? Any therapist or platform providing online therapy should be willing to explain how they address issues of privacy and safety.

How do I choose an online therapist?

There are many ways to start online therapy. You might see a therapist in person, and they might suggest you use an online platform to continue therapy if you’re traveling or if you move away. You might also start looking for an online therapist through different platforms—but what exactly should you look for?
If you’re deciding between different therapy platforms, make sure they comply with HIPAA or whatever privacy laws are relevant in the country where they’re based.
It is also important to make sure therapists have been adequately screened. “Potential clients should look for an online therapy platform that diligently screens their therapists. This is not only a safety concern, but will ensure that the therapist is qualified and capable of doing their job,” Raichbach says.
It could also be beneficial to seek a specialized therapist. “When choosing an online therapist, it’s important to make sure that individual is qualified to give the type of treatment you require,” Raichbach says. “For instance, if you are having relationship issues, it would be wise to find a marriage or family counselor or someone who has experience in that subfield, rather than one that has a generalized psychology degree.”
Some online therapy platforms will give you a quick questionnaire and match you to a therapist who’s best suited to your needs. Remember that once you find a therapist, it’s not set in stone; you can always look for a different one later if you decide they’re not a good fit. Many online therapy platforms allow you to look for another therapist quickly and easily if you don’t like the one originally assigned to you.
Before you pursue therapy of any kind, Raichbach suggests thinking about your goals and reasons for pursuing professional help. Ask yourself, What do I need help with? Which issues do I want to discuss? What do I want to get out of seeing a therapist?
To see the benefits of therapy, online or off, both sides must put in some work. It’s very effective in improving mental health, Raichbach says, “but the person seeking help must be willing to work towards those goals with the help of their therapist.”

Digital Tools for Mental Health Beyond E-Therapy

In addition to e-therapy and CBT chatbots, technological improvements mean there are a number of other apps that can be used to support our mental health. Examples include:

  • Meditation apps like Headspace, which is available for both iOS and Android
  • Apps that help you make or break habits, like The Fabulous, also available for iOS and Android
  • Apps like Happify, available on iOS and Android, which help you break negative patterns with exercises that improve your mental wellness
  • Productivity apps that can help people who struggle with executive dysfunction and concentration; try Tide for iOS and Android, or Todoist for iOS and Android

These aren’t alternatives to therapy, and they won’t fulfill the role of a licensed mental healthcare provider, but they can support your mental health.
Online therapy is revolutionizing mental healthcare, making therapy more accessible to those who need it. Despite its limitations, many people are benefiting from having mental health support at their fingertips. In what ways do you embrace modern technology to support your own mental wellness?
Check out Senior Editor Maggie’s piece on apps that she turns to for a pick-me-up and our guide to making the most of a digital detox.

Categories
Healthy Relationships Wellbeing

Experts Weigh In On How Long To Wait Before Tying The Knot

We see you over there, watching what seems like every other friend either dropping to one knee or squealing with delight upon a magical proposal against an outrageously beautiful backdrop. You’re happy for your friends, naturally. But…with every sparkly ring that’s bestowed to another giddy woman, you also feel a tiny pang that prompts some serious introspection.

iStock.com/PeopleImages

Maybe you’re at an early point with your partner where you’ve begun toying with the idea of getting hitched someday and aren’t sure what the next steps ought to be. Or perhaps tying the knot is something you’ve seriously considered and you’re ready to get a move on already! Whatever the case, we urge you to put on some blinders toward others’ relationships and instead channel all that focus into your own partnership.


The truth is that every couple is unique, and what’s right for one duo may be completely wrong for another. There are couples who got hitched after a few months of dating and have been together for 20 years, and there are other couples who’ve been together just as long without ever walking down the aisle. In that sense, “How long should we wait before getting married?” is a question each couple needs to consider for themselves, and there’s a lot more that goes into it than a simple timeline.

Three Relationship Musts to Check Off Before a Proposal

To help you determine if you’re ready to take that next step toward engagement and, ultimately, marriage, you must be able to do the following.

Get past the intense lust stage.

Your sexual chemistry is out of control and you’ve never had a more fulfilling physical relationship in your life. This is great news, but there’s more to coupledom than that. Your first hurdle in any relationship is to see beyond the steamy physicality of it all and into the, well, boring stuff.

iStock.com/Foremniakowski

“Marriage is a financial, emotional, romantic, familial, and lifestyle partnership which requires compromise, good communication, and a shared vision,” says Bianca L. Rodriguez, MA, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles. “Seeing how your partner reacts to these situations is very important because it tells you about their communication style, frustration tolerance, intimacy template, level of emotional maturity, and ability to navigate life.”

Before anyone gets down on one knee, make sure you’ve thoroughly discussed your approach toward finances and how that might change as a committed couple; whether you want to have children and how many and when; the importance (or lack thereof) of family relationships; and what kind of major lifestyle shifts you see in your future, including any relocation, extensive travel, career change, or continued education.
Back to lust: It shouldn’t disappear. In fact, being able to keep that spark alive after the initial chemical rush—and this does require work from both—is another sign that you two just might be in it for the long haul.
“The lust stage can last years or a lifetime if there is truly crazy chemistry,” notes Bonnie Winston, a celebrity matchmaker and relationship expert. “If lust fades out quickly within a year or two, did you really ever have it? Or was it just a shooting star?”
https://www.instagram.com/p/BjSP7lXAIDw/?taken-by=bonniewinstonmatchmaker
Maybe it’s not quite as intense (and it probably isn’t because that’s how nature works), but you should still remain attracted to each other as the years go by.

Hit these important milestones.

Not to sound like a broken record, but sharing experiences in a relationship is crucial in the months and years leading up to a formal engagement. After all, understanding how you work together in various scenarios is the best indicator you have of what the future will look like.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Travel together is huge, as it can show you a different side of your significant other.”
—Bonnie Winston, celebrity matchmaker and relationship expert[/pullquote]
Some important relationship milestones a couple should experience, says Rodriguez, are introducing each other to your close friends and key family members (and becoming a comfortable part of these circles), celebrating holidays and events together, dealing with sickness or injury, getting through a major argument, dealing with a serious disappointment, attending professional business functions as a couple, and traveling together.

“Travel together is huge, as it can show you a different side of your significant other,” says Winston. “For example, one of my clients was smitten with her boyfriend until they vacationed together. He snapped his fingers at the waiters, treated the staff as if they were a lower class, and had a meltdown at the airport when their flight was delayed. Needless to say, they never made it to the altar. She saw a side of him she couldn’t abide and broke it off.”

Living together, or at least being very familiar with the way your partner lives, is also very important. Is your partner remarkably tidy or exceptionally messy? Do they like to keep the windows closed all day or feel the breeze? What’s the thermostat at? What’s their morning routine look like? Do they have pets? What’s their preferred aesthetic? Do they make the bed in the morning? Is the bathroom a sanctuary or a catch-all? Do they crave extensive alone time or prefer to be attached at the hip?

iStock.com/PeopleImages

There will be inevitable growing pains once you’re actually living together—and there’s always room for compromise on all the above—but make sure you know what this person is like in their day to day living space in case there are any non-negotiables.
Lastly, another important milestone is hitting a lull or low point in your relationship and making it through to the other side. Every couple experiences seasons of warm bliss and then chilly winters. For example, maybe one partner temporarily pulls away or one of you is going through an exceptionally trying personal battle. Being able to find the warmth in the cold—or being able to trudge through the slushy snow until spring—is a telling of a relationship’s strength.

Time it right.

While the length of time may not be quite so important, the timing is. Things to consider include your age, your career path, your education, and your desire to start a family. For example, older couples who want children tend to tie the knot more quickly in order to begin their family. On the other hand, couples who are young and finishing their schooling may prefer to wait until they have a degree in hand.

iStock.com/FatCamera

That said, waiting around for perfection means you’ll be waiting around forever. At some point, you do need to make the decision of whether or not this is the partner you want to commit to for the rest of your life.

So, you’re looking for an actual number?

We get it. You came here looking for an exact number of how long you ought to wait, and we sent you on a wild journey of important factors to consider before walking down the aisle. If you’re looking for a ballpark range, our experts agreed that an appropriate waiting time was between one and three years.
“Even if you absolutely know you’ve found your person, I think two to three years between dating and marriage is a healthy incubation time between first date and I do,” says Amiira Ruotola, a dating expert and the co-author of How to Keep Your Marriage from Sucking and It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken.

OWN/Youtube

“The early days are always effortless and exciting, which is not the norm for long-term relationships. Excitement wears off and is replaced with stability which is its own kind of sexy. As you get more comfortable with your partner, you allow yourself to become the more authentic version of yourself rather than the ‘best, most easy going’ version you were being at the beginning.”
[pullquote align=”center”]“Every love story makes its own rules.”
—Amiira Ruotola, dating expert[/pullquote]
Rodriguez adds, “If I had to give a range, I would recommend a minimum of one year as this allows a couple to experience the ‘four seasons’ together. Although this is literal, it’s also figurative as over the course of 365 days you’re likely to encounter the ups and downs of life, like illness, holidays, travel, family drama, etc.”
https://twitter.com/alexismagana27/status/946015574563479553
Basically, you’re looking for that ability to feel like you can be your authentic self with your partner, which for many can take several years. Once you’ve hit that point you can take your relationship to the next level. Start by having real conversations about what life will look like in a long-term, committed partnership, what sort of struggles you might encounter, and what steps you’ll take to remain teammates, lovers, and friends through it all.
And remember, the one-to-three-year waiting range is not a hard and fast rule.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Marriage is not the prize, though we tend to rush towards it as though it is.”
-Amiira Ruotola, dating expert[/pullquote]
“Some of our best friends dated, lived together, and shared their lives for 17 years before getting engaged,” says Ruotola. Though it was a point of contention for many of those years, their relationship was so healthy and buoyant that neither party wanted something different just to get to be married or not married. They have now been together for more than 25 years and have one of most vibrant marriages we know of. Every love story makes its own rules.”

The Real Prize

It’s easy to get caught up in the idea of a grand wedding, a person to call husband or wife, or checking off an item on your life’s to-do list. And while planning a wedding can be great fun and it’s understandable to have specific life goals, it’s the journey toward that “big day” and the years that follow that are the most important.

“Marriage is not the prize, though we tend to rush towards it as though it is,” says Ruotola. “The real prize is seeing and being seen, knowing and being known, finding the partner that helps you achieve your goals while you help them achieve theirs. Marriage is a three-legged race, so pick your partner wisely.”

Categories
Health x Body Wellbeing

Best Natural Remedies for Sunburns: Soothe Sun-Damaged Skin With These 11 At-Home Options

You come home from a day at the beach after slathering on sunscreen every couple hours, only to find parts of your face and body are beet red. Ouch! We’ve all been there. No matter how well you think you’re applying (and reapplying!) sunscreen this summer, sunburns happen to the best of us. In fact, according to 2015 research from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, more than one-third of adults in the U.S. reported having a sunburn in the previous 12 months, even though 71 percent of adults said they usually or always take sun protection measures like wearing sunscreen or seeking shade.

Why’d I get sunburned? And what is a sunburn, exactly?

A sunburn is your skin’s response to prolonged, unprotected exposure to UV radiation (UVB rays in particular). “Ultraviolet rays in sunlight directly damage DNA and other molecules in the skin,” says  Anna Guanche, MD, board-certified dermatologist at Bella Skin Institute. “The broken-down and damaged skin cells signal the body, just as they would with any other type of skin burn. Then blood vessels dilate in order to bring healing factors and cells to the skin and an inflammatory response is what you see.”
A sunburn usually appears about six hours after sun exposure, says Guanche. While the redness and pain associated with a sunburn are temporary (three to five days for the typical sunburn or seven days for one that’s more severe, says Guanche), the cellular damage lasts a lifetime. According to a study published in the American Journal of Epidemiology, an overall history of severe sunburns was associated with an increased risk of melanoma, the most dangerous form of skin cancer.
Of course, being super diligent with your sun protection is key to avoiding sunburns (and potentially skin cancer down the road), but if you have a sunburn, you’re probably looking for a way to relieve the irritation, like, right this second.
While sunburn relief products are available, a study published in the Archives of Dermatology found that hydrocortisone cream—just one example of an OTC sunburn treatment—did not have much of an effect on sunburn when applied six to 23 hours after sun exposure. Natural remedies for sunburns usually involve cooling and soothing the skin, says Guanche. If you’re concerned about the ingredients, cost, or efficacy of OTC creams, you may want to consider a natural sunburn remedy instead.

The Best Natural Remedies for Sunburns

Ready for relief? Try one of these natural remedies, all of which are suitable for mild to moderate sunburns. “Consult a doctor if your sunburn is severe,” says Guanche, sharing that severe sunburn can involve any of the following:

  • Blistering
  • Sunburn that covers a large portion of the body
  • Fever
  • Headache pain
  • Chills
  • Nausea

And while these natural remedies for sunburns are generally safe for pregnant women and kids, Guanche says it’s best to consult your doctor just to be sure before trying anything if you’re pregnant or intend to use a natural remedy on a child. Once you’re good to go, apply your natural remedy of choice two to three times a day for maximum benefits.

1. Aloe

Ah, the gold standard in sunburn relief. Aloe has been used for centuries to heal skin, and for good reason. A study published in the Annals of Plastic Surgery stated that topical aloe vera improves wound healing and minimizes scarring. Julie DeMaio, an herbalist who specializes in skincare, says aloe would be her first choice for soothing a sunburn. She suggests buying a giant aloe leaf, which you can find in a grocery or health food store. Use the back of a spoon to scrape the inner gel of the plant out and apply it directly to your skin. According to DiMaio, you can use it on both your face and body. “Keep the leaf in the fridge through the lifetime of your burn,” says DeMaio.

2. Witch Hazel

“Witch hazel is a plant, but only the leaves, bark, and twigs, are used medicinally,” explains Marina Peredo, MD, board-certified dermatologist and founder of Skinfluence. “It contains chemicals called tannins which, when applied directly to the skin, can help reduce swelling, repair damaged skin, and ward off nasty bacteria.” Peredo is a fan of Dickinson’s Witch Hazel, which can be used on face and body. Apply to a cotton ball and gently rub it over your sunburned skin. A study published in the European Journal of Pediatrics found that [linkbuilder id=”6458″ text=”witch hazel”] was equally as effective as a prescription moisturizer for treating skin conditions (like diaper rash and burns) in children.

3. Apple Cider Vinegar

“Consider a diluted apple cider vinegar bath,” says Dendy Engelman, MD, dermatologic surgeon at Medical Dermatology & Cosmetic Surgery Centers. “Try adding a cupful or two to your bath to neutralize the burn. After soaking for 10 minutes, the apple cider vinegar will have helped restore your skin’s pH levels and your skin will feel cool and soothed.” Engelman says that if you’re going to apply apple cider vinegar to your face, you need to be careful to avoid your eye area because it can be irritating. “Soak a paper towel or washcloth and gently press [it on your] face instead of splashing,” she says.

4. Whole Milk

“The fat and the pH factor [of whole milk] has an anti-inflammatory effect on sunburned skin, says Peredo. Make a compress by submerging small cotton towels in cool whole milk and wringing the excess, then apply the towel to your face and/or body. As long as you don’t have a milk allergy, this natural sunburn remedy is safe for pregnant women and children, says Peredo.

5. Vitamin E Oil

“It’s important to treat the sunburn with products that have ingredients like vitamin E, which helps the skin heal,” says Engleman. She likes Bio-Oil Multiuse Skincare Oil for treating mild to moderate sunburns on the face or body because the vitamin E neutralizes free radicals (molecules that are damaging to the skin) and it also contains nourishing and calming ingredients like chamomile oil, calendula oil, and rosemary.

6. Oatmeal

Remember taking oatmeal baths to soothe itchy chicken pox when you were younger? Guanche says oatmeal baths can help ease the pain associated with a mild to moderate sunburn on your face or body. She likes Aveeno Soothing Bath Treatment, which helps relieve irritation and itchiness temporarily. All you have to do is pour a single packet into your bath and lightly rub the oatmeal onto your skin. Just make sure your bath water isn’t too warm, says Guanche, since this can cause further irritation.

7. Lavender Oil

Lavender oil can offer relief from sunburns, says DeMaio. Look for lavender oil in hydrosol mist form, like Plant Therapy’s Organic Lavender Hydrosol. Hydrosol is the liquid that is left over when a plant is turned into an essential oil, and it’s typically less concentrated, says DeMaio, meaning it can soothe without irritating. Because hydrosols aren’t quite as highly concentrated as essential oils, you can apply them to your face as well as your body. DeMaio likes spritzing a lavender hydrosol onto a sunburn a few minutes after applying aloe.

8. Coconut Oil

Coconut oil may soothe and hydrate the skin,” says Guanche. According to a study published in the International Journal of Molecular Sciences, coconut oil can help improve skin barrier function and promote wound healing. Plus, a study published in the journal Dermatitis found that the application of extra virgin coconut oil significantly improved skin dryness. Mix a few drops of an essential oil like lavender into coconut oil before applying it to your face or body, says DeMaio.

9. St. John’s Wort

“As an infused oil, St. John’s wort is amazing for burns,” says DeMaio. “It’s an analgesic, which means it helps reduce the pain associated with sunburns.” A study published in the Journal of Postgraduate Medicine found that applying a St. John’s wort ointment topically to skin helped improve psoriasis lesions. DeMaio says St. John’s wort is particularly useful at the beginning of a sunburn (whether on the face or body) when the pain is at peak levels.
As with lavender, try mixing a few drops of St. John’s wort into coconut oil, or another carrier oil like jojoba, to dilute it so that you can apply it directly to your skin, says DeMaio. You can also find St. John’s wort in hydrosol form, although it’s less common than the oil.

10. Helichrysum

This little-known herb is actually a major sunburn soother. “Helichrysum is an incredible wound healer and skin regenerator,” says DeMaio. It’s great for damaged skin.” A study published in the International Journal of Antimicrobial Agents explains that helichrysum, which comes from a shrub in the Mediterranean, has anti-inflammatory and antimicrobial properties. The only downside is that helichrysum is expensive, so you may just want to use it on your face or an area that’s exposed, as opposed to a large area of skin, says DeMaio. Again, mix it with a carrier oil first since, as with all essential oils, it’s potent on its own.

11. Peppermint Tea

“Peppermint is a cooling herb,” says DeMaio. Make a gallon of iced peppermint tea, dip a cotton ball into it, and gently rub it onto your skin wherever you’re burned, she suggests. “You can also address a sunburn from the inside,” says DeMaio. “When you’re burned, your skin is dehydrated, so it’s just as important to make sure you’re increasing liquids.” So try sipping on a glass of peppermint tea, too.
The bottom line: While these natural remedies for sunburn can be used to help relieve the pain and irritation associated with mild to moderate sunburns, head to a doc STAT if your burn is more serious. And do not, we repeat, do not go back into the sun while you’re still burned as doing so can lead to even more skin damage!

Categories
Health x Body Wellbeing

How To Track Your Period—And Why You Should

Every woman experiences menstruation a bit differently regardless of whether she’s using a period tracker. The luckiest ones have light, regular periods that come and go like clockwork. For many others, menstruation is somewhat of a mystery. Some months are heavy, crampy nightmares, while your period hardly makes an appearance in others.
But if there’s one universal experience, it’s having your period show up at the worst possible time—at the beach when you’re wearing a white bikini, on an airplane when you forgot your tampons, or maybe when you’re on a run a couple of miles from home. Ugh! The only way to get some sense of when Aunt Flo is coming to town is by using a period tracker.
Yes, period tracking: that thing most of us were encouraged to start doing when we got our first period, but we got annoyed with (or even embarrassed by) making little red dots on a calendar and gave it up entirely. I’ll admit it—I’ve become a sex-positive, health-conscious woman who still bashfully shrugs at the gyno’s office when she asks the date of my last period and who scrambles to find a tampon when my period shows up seemingly out of nowhere. Not an ideal situation—and let’s not even get into the pregnancy scares that can happen if you aren’t tracking your menstrual cycle.
Fortunately, getting a handle on your cycle isn’t that hard. A range of period tracking methods—from high-tech apps to old-school, pen-and-paper calendars—can help you learn when to expect the crimson tide and how long it will take to ride it out. We asked Diana Ramos, MD, a board-certified OB-GYN and chair of the National Preconception Health and Health Care Initiative, to share the best ways to track your period and the benefits of being disciplined about it, once and for all.

Period Tracking: What’s the point?

It’s thought of as a tedious task that requires discipline and a willingness to tune in to your body on a daily basis. Why should you even bother with period tracking?
“One of the most important benefits of period tracking is getting to know your body—this is especially important if you’re of reproductive age and you’re trying to become pregnant or avoid pregnancy,” Ramos explains.
Using a period tracker can help you notice disruptions in your menstrual cycle. You might realize that your period has become irregular or changed in frequency, which could be symptoms of bigger health concerns.
“Sometimes a woman’s period is happening more often and for longer duration—signs that something could be abnormal. Heavier bleeding might also indicate a hormone imbalance, fibroids, or an underlying disease. Unless you know what’s normal for your body, you’re not going to know when something’s potentially wrong,” says Ramos.
And of course, one of the main benefits of period tracking is knowing when you should throw a couple of tampons in your purse. Who doesn’t want that peace of mind?
But despite all of these benefits, most women still haven’t figured out how to track their periods. Ramos estimates that only about a third of women use a period tracker—the rest of us are in the dark about our menstruation and ovulation. Yikes!

How to Track Your Period the Old-School Way

You don’t need to get fancy when it comes to tracking your period. The old-school approach of using pen and a calendar has helped women track their periods for centuries (maybe longer)—and can give you a better understanding of your body.
Start by putting a mark on the calendar on the first day of your period. That signifies the start of your menstruation cycle, says Ramos, and it’s the date gynecologists want when they ask when your last period was. Continue marking every day that you bleed with a red dot or whatever symbol resonates with you (a heart, a skull and crossbones, a frowny face—we don’t judge). Then, start the process again the next time you menstruate.
Your calendar should also include information about how much you’re bleeding, Ramos says. You could measure it based on how many pads and tampons you’re using or by giving your flow a loose estimate of light, medium, or heavy.
Other symptoms, like your emotions, cramps, and overall health, can also be noted on your period tracker, depending on how much information you want to include. After about three months of tracking your period, you will learn the length of your cycle (typically 21 to 35 days), roughly when you’re most fertile (usually the mid-point between periods), and other patterns related to your menstruation.
“The longer you do it, the more you can learn,” says Ramos. “Period tracking should be a lifelong habit and can give you something to refer to if your body changes.”

Bringing Period Tracking Into the 21st Century

Technology has made a lot of things easier for us—including period tracking. Monitoring your cycle has gone modern with a range of femtech apps that can help you track everything from your flow and period length to your moods, weight, and birth control use. Here are three of our favorite digital period trackers:
Dot: Rated 4.7/5 stars in the App Store, Dot Period & Fertility Tracker “works like a weather forecast for your menstrual cycle.” All you have to do is record the first day of your flow, and the period tracker gets to work predicting your likelihood of getting pregnant any day of the month, when you’re going to ovulate, and the date of your next period. You can note your moods, period symptoms, and sexual activities right in the app. Dot’s pretty smart—it’ll let you know if your cycle is off and you might need medical attention.
Clue: Clue has earned high marks for its accuracy, features, and functionality. Its intuitive design makes it easy to track your period, the heaviness of your flow, and even the types of menstrual products you use. Clue also encourages users to log their birth control, cramps, sleep, skin and hair conditions, and tons of other health-related symptoms. The more information you provide, the better Clue becomes at analyzing the state of your reproductive health.
Flo: While it brands itself as an ovulation and period tracker, the Flo app does much more than just record the days of your cycle, although it’s great at that! It’s an overall lifestyle monitor that allows you to record your weight, travel, stress levels, sex drive, sleep duration, water consumption, and just about every other healthy lifestyle activity you could imagine—earning it an average of 4.8 stars from more than 200,000 people who’ve rated it in the App Store.
While digital tools have taken the guesswork out of period tracking for many women, the pen-and-paper method is still perfectly acceptable. Healthcare professionals just want you to track your period in whatever way works best for you so they can be aware if something’s amiss.
“Period tracking is a good habit to get into as young as possible, but you can start any time,” Ramos notes. “The most important thing is that if you notice something abnormal, go see your healthcare provider. Don’t try to guess what might be happening.”
[related article_ids=1003499]

Categories
Wellbeing

Loneliness In The Modern Age: When Social Media Ruins Our Social Lives

Back when Chad Zollinger was still in college, he remembers that the first and last thing he did each day was liking pictures and following people on Instagram. At the time, the 26-year-old spent countless hours chasing after fans for a successful comedy account he created. Yet despite attracting over 10,000 followers, he found himself lonelier than ever.

HealthyWay
iStock.com/TeroVesalainen

Zollinger recalled that whatever he achieved was never enough. “When I hit 100 followers, I needed to get to 1,000. When I hit 1,000, my next goal was 2,000, and so on.” But soon after reaching his goal of 10,000, he realized it was all pointless.
“I eventually ended up getting more excited about likes and follows than actual real-life interaction,” he tells HealthyWay. “It’s just so much more difficult to get up out of a seat and walk over to someone and have a great conversation—especially with strangers.
HealthyWay
iStock.com/AdrianHancu

While Instagram proved a valuable source for making friends, Zollinger found it wasn’t so great for building relationships. “It’s quick social intoxication,” says the Utah-based content marketing strategist. “Almost everything on social media is less meaningful and watered down. You get a like or a comment and you are satisfied for like two seconds.”
Zollinger’s experience rings especially true for those of us millennials who find ourselves glued to our devices. In many ways, his quest for followers reflects the current zeitgeist of our tech-savvy times: craving contact but not knowing how to meaningfully connect.

This could account for why our generation is at a greater risk for developing an array of mental health problems like anxiety or depression, according to a new study published in the journal Psychological Medicine.
[pullquote align=”center”]”When studies find that loneliness is higher in youth than in the elderly, it’s time for us to begin to talk about the side effects of our current culture.”
—Melissa Deuter, MD[/pullquote]
While past research has primarily focused on the 42.6 million lonely adults over age 45, this latest study shows that millennials are feeling more left out than previous generations—a fact that poses serious repercussions to our longevity. Forming close, caring bonds is crucial to our physical and psychological well-being—so much so that not having them can increase our risk of premature death by around 30 percent.
“When studies find that loneliness is higher in youth than in the elderly, it’s time for us to begin to talk about the side effects of our current culture,” says Melissa Deuter, MD, a San Antonio-based board-certified psychiatrist specializing in the care of teens and young adults. “And it’s no wonder. If you’ve watched a group of young people socialize in recent years, you’ll see they mostly stare at devices; they rarely engage with each other at all.”

Still, simply increasing face-to-face interaction isn’t the solution, although it’s certainly a good first step (especially considering the fact that people can still feel lonely even in the presence of others). So what exactly is happening?

Why are millennials lonely?

With social media and a mere tap of our finger, we’re privy to everything we never knew we always wanted: lavish vacations, far-fetched marriage proposals, that new Japanese restaurant (that we probably can’t afford). It’s right there within our grasp—or so our fear of missing out would have us believe.
[pullquote align=”center”]”When we view someone else’s post who seems to have it ‘all together,’ we may draw comparisons between their life and ours,”
—Julie Williamson, licensed professional counselor[/pullquote]
Here’s the thing: Spending all our waking hours aimlessly scrolling through what seems like a plethora of missed opportunities activates a limiting “jealousy” mindset.
Continuously staring into the highlight reel of other people’s lives makes us feel wishful at best and incompetent at worst. If only, we think to ourselves—if only I started running each morning, if only I worked harder at my jobif only I were worthy—effectively reducing our self-value to a 5.5-inch screen.

“When we view someone else’s post who seems to have it ‘all together,’ we may draw comparisons between their life and ours,” says Julie Williamson, a licensed professional counselor based in St. Louis. And this, consequently, makes us feel separate and different from that person. “If we are feeling that way with every post we look at, feelings of isolation and loneliness can set in.”
What can be done, you might ask? Unless we’re willing to ditch our phones and cut out technology altogether (which let’s face it, isn’t realistic), Williamson recommends we learn better approaches for using social media with moderation—which brings us to our next point:

Put boundaries around your social media use.

If, like most, you find yourself caught in the mousetrap of let’s see who’s better than me, Williamson, a millennial herself, has outlined some immediate ways to avoid the comparison game.

iStock.com/pawel_p

  • Remove the apps from your mobile devices. As the cliché goes, “out of sight, out of mind.” To be clear, you’re not closing up shop—you can still access your accounts on your browser if need be, but removing the apps from your phone can significantly reduce the time spent aimlessly scrolling.
  • Remove alerts and email notifications (when someone has liked or commented on your posts). Williamson says these alerts can distract you when you’re in the middle of a task and leave you unable to think about anything other than checking your profiles.
  • Establish social media times. Decide when you will check your social media accounts and when you will not. Sure, there’s a little willpower to it, but here are a few tips: If you’re at work, for example, wait until your lunch break to check your profiles. Or maybe set a time once in the morning and once in the afternoon.
  • Designating other activities during that time. Since we tend toward checking our accounts when we’re bored or procrastinating, Williamson recommends designating other activities like taking a brisk walk or stopping at a co-worker’s desk.

iStock.com/innered

Just as we’d swap out junk food for nutritious snacks, we should always opt for in-person connection before scrolling. Think of it the same way you would when embarking on any new lifestyle change: Every small action counts and can ultimately help stave off unhealthy habits.

Take steps toward IRL socializing.

Stagnation breeds loneliness: More so than just limiting social media use, we should keep our focus on making real-world connections, says Crystal Lee, PsyD, a Los Angeles-based licensed psychologist who works primarily with emerging adults. “The best way to combat feelings of missing out is to create a rich social and leisure life for yourself.” In other words, leave the house! Catch some rays!

iStock.com/wundervisuals

Look at the people around you, says Williamson, “Consider if there’s someone you connect with or think you could potentially connect with, and take a small step to get to know them better.” If, for instance, there’s someone at work you think you’d mesh well with, ask them to join you for lunch. Or maybe you met someone in your kickboxing class at the gym—see if they want to grab a post-workout smoothie.
[pullquote align=”center”]”Making friends is very similar to dating; sometimes you go through a few duds before you find someone you actually click with.”
—Crystal Lee, PsyD[/pullquote]
Lee advises, however, that if you’re really struggling, it’s important to make intentional decisions and create habits to get out and be among people. “You can’t go to a couple of events and expect those people to be your new BFFs,” she says. Fostering true, authentic friendships takes time.
iStock.com/PeopleImages

“So if it takes you literally putting in your calendar that you’re going to reach out to someone every month, then do it,” she says. Most importantly, we should remember to stay intentional and consistent with our efforts.
Instead of just passively scrolling through our feed, Lee urges us to join some local social media groups and start building a community from there. “As you get to know people online, make the transition to a real life hang out.” And try not to get discouraged if it takes you awhile to find your people. “Making friends is very similar to dating; sometimes you go through a few duds before you find someone you actually click with.”

Similarly, Williamson recommends Meetup groups as a great way to find people in your area with similar interests. If you strike up a conversation with someone in a group, see if you feel comfortable enough to ask them to get together IRL, she says. Of course, it’s important we always exercise caution and safety with anyone we meet online.

When It Comes to Friends: Quality Over Quantity

Long-term loneliness is on the rise because people aren’t really together when they are together, says Deuter. Many of us millennials are guilty of checking our phones rather than having a lengthy conversation over dinner. But equally important to the amount of attention we’re paying others, is choosing quality over quantity when it comes to whom we spend our time with. While it’s true that we have hundreds of friends and acquaintances on social media, is it really possible to plan a coffee date with every one of them?

iStock.com/jacoblund

Not likely, says Williamson—instead, we should try to set realistic expectations. If we feel like we’re not seeing enough of our old friends, we should consider the time we have available in the next month for socializing, and then select a comparable amount of friends we could see during those times.
“Choose those friends that are closest or that you miss seeing the most,” Williamson adds, “then try reaching out to each of them to schedule a time to hang out.”

And while we try to parse out which friendships are deemed “quality,” it’s important we take into account some questions about these relationships: What is it about the friendship that is most important to us? Are there other friends who seem to invest more of their time and energy into maintaining the relationship? According to Williamson, the latter are the friendships we may want to pursue.
The goal is to have a few close friends where there is real emotional intimacy, says Lee, not just a bunch of random people you can hang out with on occasion. Ultimately, fostering these deep connections is what eradicates our feelings of disconnect.

Create meaning, not a persona.

It’s no secret that we post our best or ideal selves on social media. But this ultimately gives the impression to others that we are perfectly content and happy with our lives, says Williamson, which may or may not be the case.

According to Amy McManus, a licensed therapist in Los Angeles who works with millennials struggling with anxiety and relationship issues, “Not only do millennials feel lonely, they feel unique in their loneliness.” If everyone else is having so much fun, then not only are we lonely, we’re a failure for feeling this way.
However, McManus is quick to point out that these lofty accounts are often facades for underlying feelings of insecurity. “The people who have the best Instagrams are often the most lonely of all—looking for activities that photograph well instead of activities that are meaningful and reflect solid values.” As Lee puts it, “If you feel secure in your own life, you’re less likely to get those gnawing feelings that you’re missing out on something.”

For Zollinger, tying his value to the number of followers he could reach only perpetuated his feelings of disconnect. He says that all of this changed soon after college when he began working as an editor for a company’s blog. Whereas before, he saw Instagram as an easy way of receiving instant approval, his job taught him that valuable things are never attained without hard work. Receiving training and being able to connect with co-workers caused his preconceptions of worth to shift.
Between Zollinger’s job and faith-based activities, he was able to gain meaning from a life outside of the screen, and to eventually see social media as a temporary value-reward system, rather than a reflection of his own self-worth.
Now, when he uses his account, it’s just to send funny memes to friends. “It’s still fun in some ways—you can send me fail videos and I will probably laugh every time.”

Categories
Wellbeing

America Is Far From The Happiest Place On Earth, And Here's Why

Every year since 2012, the United Nations has released a World Happiness Index report. The recently released 2018 report ranks 156 countries by their happiness levels—and in those rankings, the U.S. came in at 18.

iStock.com/Bill Chizek

Here’s how the report works: Researchers gather data from at least 3,000 people in each participating country. Participants are asked to imagine that they are on an imaginary life ladder that has 10 rungs. The top rung (10) represents maximum happiness; the bottom rung (0) is where things are as bad as they possibly could be. Participants are asked to rate what rung they are on in six different categories: Income (GDP per capita), healthy life expectancy, social support, freedom, trust (absence of corruption), and generosity.
On the 2018 report, Americans’ average rung number was 6.886. In comparison, the top five countries scored over 7.4, and the bottom five countries scored under 3.3. The no. 1 happiest country was Finland, followed by Norway, Denmark, Iceland, and Switzerland.
iStock.com/scanrail

In many of the categories studied, the U.S. is doing great. However, there are two major areas where the U.S. could improve: extending healthy life expectancy and building stronger social support.

Do Americans have a healthy life expectancy?

One potential reason people in America aren’t as happy as people in other countries is that Americans may be struggling with their health. Jeffrey Sachs, a co-editor of the World Happiness Report and a professor of Health Policy and Management at Columbia University, suggested in a press release that the ranking was “in part because of the ongoing epidemics of obesity, substance abuse, and untreated depression.”

iStock.com/FatCamera

Life expectancy for Americans is actually declining. The average American will live around 80 years, compared to 82.6 in Switzerland, 83.1 in Iceland, and 82.1 in Sweden. (The country with the highest life expectancy in the world is Monaco, with 89.4 years). So what’s behind that decline, anyway?

Widespread obesity is affecting Americans’ health.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, over a third of Americans are categorized as obese—36.5 percent, to be precise. Research from the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development suggests that America has the highest obesity rates in the world. WHO data suggests that only 23 percent of adults in Finland are obese, 21.5 percent in Norway, and 18.2 percent in Denmark.

iStock.com/igor_kell

As the National Institutes of Health website explains, obesity is linked to a number of health problems including high blood pressure, heart disease and stroke, type 2 diabetes, sleep apnea, fatty [linkbuilder id=”6542″ text=”liver disease”], kidney disease, some types of cancer, and problems in pregnancy including an increased risk for a c-section delivery.
iStock.com/KTM_2016

Childhood obesity is also widespread, and obese children are likely to become obese adults. The University of California San Diego Health website explains that “obese children and adolescents have a greater risk of social and psychological problems, such as discrimination and poor self-esteem, which can continue into adulthood.”

And the opioid epidemic is affecting individuals and families across the country.

Sadly, many Americans struggle with addiction and substance abuse. In recent years, addiction to opioids has surged—the National Institute on Drug Abuse estimates that over 115 people in the United States pass away every day due to opioid overdoses. In 2016 alone, 11.5 million people misused prescription opioids, and the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) declared the epidemic a national crisis in 2017.

Mental health issues are also quite common.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) estimates that one in five Americans will experience mental illness in any given year. One in 25 adults will experience a serious mental illness that “substantially interferes with or limits one or more major life activities.”

iStock.com/skynesher

Mental health conditions are particularly high among people living homeless and incarcerated individuals. What’s more? Serious mental illness costs the U.S. $193.2 billion in lost earnings every single year.

And many Americans struggle to access—and pay for—adequate healthcare.

Many people are unable to pay out-of-pocket to see a doctor, and at least 28.2 million people in the U.S. do not have health insurance. A substantial number of families struggle to pay medical bills, the National Health Interview Survey reports. And a study from 2009 found that among Americans declaring bankruptcy, medical debt played a huge role in their financial issues.

Ultimately, health problems can and do affect happiness.

“There are many underlying medical conditions that can affect happiness, and I have seen this with my own patients,” says family physician Jennifer Caudle, DO. “For example, chronic disease such as diabetes, arthritis, and COPD can affect someone’s outlook on life, and thus happiness.”

iStock.com/Drazen_

“Another example is that sudden changes in our lives—such as the [loss] of a family member, loss of a job, or stress in a relationship can affect happiness as well. I also believe that how we interact with others (online vs. in person, for example) can affect our happiness. Finally, it’s important to consider mental health diagnoses, such as depression and anxiety, as these may play a role as well.”

Another area where America could improve? Social support.

Back in 2015, the American Psychological Association (APA) surveyed people around the U.S. about their feelings on social support—meaning whether they believe they are cared for and have people they could turn to for assistance.

iStock.com/PeopleImages

“Many Americans don’t feel they have access to this valuable resource,” the APA website states. “When asked if there is someone they can ask for emotional support, such as talking over problems or helping make difficult decisions, 70 percent said yes. However, more than half (55 percent) also said they could have used at least a little more emotional support.”
iStock.com/PeopleImages

Many Americans have a strong, supportive community through their neighborhood, school, profession, religious institution, or hobbies, and feel that they are adequately supported and cared for. Others are not so fortunate. What’s more, the U.S. does not have the widespread structural support for families that other, higher-ranked countries in the World Happiness Index offer.

Compared to the countries in the top 5, America’s family leave policies leave a lot to be desired.

Parents who are welcoming a new addition to the family often have to work around limited or non-existent parental leave policies at their jobs. While many two-parent families would ideally like to have both parents at home during the transition period when a newborn or adopted child comes into their lives, that’s not always possible. That means that responsibilities might fall more on one parent, and parents may be required to go back to work far sooner than they would like to after a child’s arrival.

iStock.com/tatyana_tomsickova

“Parental leave is horrible for moms and even worse for dads,” says Jenni Skyler, a licensed therapist from The Intimacy Institute.
iStock.com/FatCamera

Under the Family and Medical Leave Act, some companies are required to offer new parents up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave to care for a new child. But there is no legal requirement for companies to provide paid leave. In fact, according to the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, America is the only developed country in the world where employers aren’t required to offer paid leave to new moms.
iStock.com/pixdeluxe

This can put additional financial and emotional stress on families at times when they need extra support. For some people, it’s simply not feasible to take much unpaid time off work.
iStock.com/Imgorthand

Skyler also says that limited vacation time can put stress on families (there’s no legal minimum paid vacation in the U.S., meaning employers decide how much paid and unpaid time off to grant their employees). “When you are able to spend quality time, certainly with your spouse and your family, that’s an investment in your relationship towards happiness,” Skyler notes.

Happiness is difficult to quantify, but it sounds like there are a few things we could learn from the countries ranked higher than the U.S. in the World Happiness Index.

This ranking is only one way of measuring quality of life, and many things are left out of it. And, of course, the results are an average—there are people in the U.S. who are much happier, and much unhappier, than that final ranking. That said, given how strong the American economy is, the fact that it ranks 18th in the listing does come as a surprise.

iStock.com/spyarm

The number one happiest country, Finland, offers free education, generous parental leave and vacation policies, and publicly-funded universal healthcare. From Finland and other higher-ranked countries, perhaps there are some things America could learn.
iStock.com/izhairguns

How can we improve the health of America’s population and increase life expectancy? How can we ensure that families and individuals receive the support they need to adequately care for themselves and their loved ones? The solutions likely involve the government, social institutions, and the population working together to create a healthier, happier country.

Categories
Health x Body Wellbeing

I’ll Take The Doctor Without 2,300 Patients, Thanks

HealthyWay
 
It’s 5:03—early on a Saturday morning and I’d rather be asleep, or out dancing, but instead I’m swallowing a sharp piece of gravel. That’s what it feels like, at least. I open my laptop and shoot off a detailed message, now that anxious googling has turned me into a medical professional. The subtext is that I am going to die soon if someone doesn’t intervene. The reality is that I just need some throat spray, but I’m not ready to accept this.
“1. Do you think I should train tomorrow? If it’s just allergies I’m assuming it’d be fine, but I wouldn’t want to risk it if I could have, like, mono or something more serious,” I write, hoping he understands that my spleen will rupture if I try to squat 115 pounds seven hours from now, when I’m supposed to meet with my powerlifting coach. (I speak in numbered lists when I am at peak type-A analysis.)
“2. Is there anything I can do over the weekend to try and heal? I have gentian violet that I could try to paint on my tonsils?”
He responds at 5:27 a.m. “I think it’s likely fine to train tomorrow,” he writes. “I would not use gentian violet.”
I don’t want to trust him, but I have to, because he is my doctor, and more specifically, The Doc Who Lifts. Plus, I already skipped one training session this week, and as a novice lifter, I’m especially nervous about forming bad habits.
I’m able to chat with my doctor early on a Saturday morning because I’ve recently enrolled with SteadyMD, an online concierge doctor service designed to provide what its name says it will—a steady doctor. The platform pairs you with a primary care physician with expertise in your area of interest, allowing you, for a monthly fee, to receive tailored care whenever you need it.
Membership gives you consistent access to the same doctor through phone, text, and video chat. Together you’ll dive into your medical history and concerns, collaborating on a plan to optimize your health and, depending on your goals, athletic performance.
Your doctor will, according to the SteadyMD website, “really get to know you, like a doctor friend.”
Dr. Spencer is right, of course. I grind out five sets of five squats at 115 pounds, which is a personal record. Two days later, after a lot of painful swallows and gargling warm, salty water, the symptoms clear. My recovery is nothing short of miraculous (to me).

When a Video Chat Doctor’s Appointment Is the Best Doctor’s Appointment

I am carless, in a new city, with precious little free time during the week, and I spent all of yesterday in the L.A. airport because of a delayed flight that landed me in bed at 3 a.m. So a morning doctor’s appointment that requires only a private room, an internet connection, and my laptop is pretty much the only doctor’s appointment I can handle.
After breaking the ice with a few comments about the weather in our respective locations (he’s in D.C.; I’m in St. Louis), we get down to business. He asks me about allergies, family medical history, past surgeries, height, weight, and lifestyle.
Then, we move on to my current concerns. I’ve just relocated from New York City, where I spent much of my time working from my hoarder’s paradise apartment—literally, the women who rented the apartment out to me stored piles of their old items there—so I’m unsure of whether I have chronic sinusitis, allergies, or my body’s just been slowly poisoned over the past four years.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BYWjkk0hIIx/?taken-by=realannacherry
I read somewhere that fatigue can be an indicator of sinus infection. And while my energy levels seem higher in my new home, I still feel generally phlegmy, with an on-again, off-again whistling cough (possibly due to my “borderline” asthma), sinus pressure headaches, and occasional brain fog. Since I’ve only ever lived in my body, and I feel healthy and functional overall, it’s hard to know whether there’s room for improvement—but why not try?
HealthyWay
Dr. Spencer decides to order me a series of lab tests, including a body composition scan that will provide insight on my progress building muscle. After our visit, the “front-desk” chat through the SteadyMD mobile app lets me see what Dr. Spencer tells the doctor’s assistant (“Hi Sarah I put in labs for Anna but she would like to find a lab nearby and also know if her insurance will cover the labs I put in”) and we’re done.
The whole thing takes about half an hour, which, according to recent Harvard research, is a quarter of the average total time spent on a doctor visit. It’s a welcome change from when my appointments—getting there, waiting, waiting some more, getting back—required sacrificing half of my workday, even though I wasn’t sick. (I’m at work, so the efficient visit makes sense, but initial SteadyMD assessments typically last a full 60 minutes.)

A True (Doctor) Friend

The one area of your doctor visit that you’d want to go more slowly—the part where you get one-on-one time with the person who’s supposed to be an expert on your health—is often when you’re hustled out of the office like you’re in some kind of drill, maybe after an impersonal interaction during which you wondered if they even remembered who you were. When you consider that the average number of patients in a doctor’s care is about 2,300, this makes sense. (That figure is according to a survey of a national random sample of 463 nonretainer physicians, with a 50 percent response rate, published in 2005.) It would also explain why the duration of a typical doctor visit is between 13 and 24 minutes, with some lasting shorter than nine.
After a spell of (perhaps literally) toxic working environments and relationships, I have dubbed this new life an era of radical self-care. It means being selective about how and with whom I spend my time. It should be a given that your doctor is at least one person you can rely on to take care of you, but with a ratio like 1:2,300, that certainly isn’t a guarantee.
An especially appealing aspect of having a concierge doctor is being one of a much smaller pool of patients. At $99 per month—roughly the cost of a weekday Starbucks habit or a single trip to urgent care—the SteadyMD service is a reasonable investment. You’re paying for the focused attention of someone who is contractually bound (and professionally equipped) to help you take better care of yourself.

My Prescription Will Go On

Surprisingly, uprooting your entire life can be time consuming. You have to look for apartments and move boxes and buy so many things at Ikea. You have to include yourself in every social event to make sure you’re really inhabiting your new city. And you have to wait for a fresh insurance card to come in the mail.
Inconveniently, your hormonal acne will not pause for any of this. So when a long holiday weekend rolls around and you’re suddenly out of the prescription that’s been keeping things under control, you will yell out, in slo-mo, “NoooooooooooooooOoooooooo.”
In the past, I relied on my dermatologist to call spironolactone in to the pharmacy. Once a certain number of refills had been called in, I couldn’t get a new one without scheduling another (time-consuming) appointment.
By now I’ve used up all my refill lives. And though I’ve been here a month and a half, I still haven’t found a new dermatologist. NoooooooooooooooOoooooooo.
Then I remember Dr. Spencer. SteadyMD membership includes unlimited messaging, which is how, on Memorial Day weekend, I’m able to open the chat and say that I’m visiting family in Arkansas, and can you please send a prescription for this acne pill to my local pharmacy before my face starts erupting in painful cysts?
Do you know what happens? He sends a prescription.
He. Sends. A. Prescription.
I’ve wasted time I will never get back arguing with insurance companies, having to fight for time from medical professionals. Can you understand how it feels to merely ask for what you need—and then be given what you need? It’s profound. It makes you want to cry into your hands.
My doctor friend, The Doc Who Lifts.
His mission—and the mission of the other doctors who lift, because, let me tell you, there are many doctors who lift on SteadyMD—is to revolutionize healthcare by providing patients with holistic, preventive advice from experts who will come to understand your individual needs over the long term. The change is simple but radical, and sometimes that’s exactly what you need.
HealthyWay
Sponsored by SteadyMD

Categories
Healthy Relationships Wellbeing

Setting Boundaries With Your Partner, Friends, And Family Will Change Your Life

The way Tina Tessina sees it, all personal relationships from marriages to families and friendships require setting boundaries.
“Boundaries are the limits you place on how much others can ask of you, verbally or otherwise,” says Tessina, a psychotherapist and author of It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction. “If a friendship or relationship is between two people who both have solid boundaries, the subject may never come up, because neither person will encroach without permission—but the boundaries are there.”
You might have been in a relationship where you’re unable to say “no,” especially when it’s with someone you value so much that you want to give them everything they’ll ever need. But we all need that line between “I like/love you,” and “I will willingly take anything you throw at me—literally anything you throw at me.” And in a perfect world, there would be no need to set boundaries at all, right?
Sure. But this isn’t a perfect world, and in reality, we live in a society where as much as 15 percent of women feel tired very often, where at least 65 percent of people feel work is stressing them out, and 57 percent say they’re stressed out by their family obligations.
We are not terribly good at saying “no, this is my line in the sand,” and it’s given rise to countless self-help seminars where we pay good money to learn to say “sorry” less and “no” a whole lot more. But is setting healthy boundaries really as simple as learning to add one word to your vocabulary? Well…maybe!
We asked the experts what the key to setting boundaries is and how to differentiate between laying down the law and being demanding. Here’s how to draw that line in the sand…in a healthy way.

Setting boundaries is uncomfortable.

If setting boundaries were as easy as binge-watching a season of Shameless, we all would have set a whole lot more of them a long time ago. But setting boundaries takes work, says Fran Walfish, PsyD, Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent.
“You can’t set boundaries and expect ‘all of us to be happy,’” Walfish says. “Someone is likely to not be happy.”
That person who’s unhappy might be you. As Walfish explains, “When you sign up for boundary setting, you must agree to tolerate increased anxiety. Here’s what I mean: You are likely to get flak from your boyfriend, partner, husband, parents […] when you say no to something they want. Everyone is given the blessing and gift of one life. That does not entitle them to control other people, spouses, and especially their children.”

In other words, while setting boundaries is important, we can’t exactly depend on everyone we know to be comfortable with us doing it. And they likely won’t say, “Hey, my line that’s not okay to cross is the exact same as yours, so I am on exactly the same page.” We need to be open, if not loud, about communicating what we think is okay and what isn’t. That applies not only to the people we love, our family, and our friends, but also to the random strangers we run into in the grocery store and in line at the post office. Our voices matter, and we need to use them.
Not convinced? Consider this: The fear that setting boundaries is selfish can hold us back, and not just at home. It can affect our jobs, our friendships, and even our health.
“Setting boundaries is simply asking for respect and insisting on it if necessary,” Tessina says. “There is nothing selfish about that, although a person with no respect for self may not understand it.”
So how do you set boundaries?

Setting Boundaries With Your Partner

You may not even realize you have boundaries that can’t be broached until they’ve been violated, even by someone you are in a serious relationship with!
What are some commonly violated or broached boundaries? “Reading personal mail or rummaging in personal space or demanding time, affection, or consideration without considering the other person’s wishes or feelings,” Tessina says. “Showing up unannounced is another classic breach of boundaries. Expecting someone to always pay for things. Talking behind backs, changing appointments because something more fun came up.”
If these things are cropping up in your relationships, be it with a friend or someone you love, step back and think about how you feel. If you feel “crazy” or are using similarly stigmatizing language about yourself, that’s a red flag.
“[You need] better boundaries if [you’re] feeling taken advantage of, not respected, not valued and that it’s never [your] turn,” Tessina advises. “Anyone can be subjected to rudeness and inconsideration. How you handle it determines whether you are setting boundaries or not. Most situations can be handled with polite firmness. People pleasers usually just don’t know how to say ‘no, thank you’ and make it stick.”
Every relationship is different, but one common example of boundaries that crop up in many relationships is the definition of the relationship itself.
“Specifically, if a woman is not available for an open relationship or a lack of commitment after a certain amount of time and, for example, her boundary is committed monogamy after three months, this is a conversation she may need and want to have,” says Annie Wright, a licensed psychotherapist and the owner and clinical director of Evergreen Counseling, a therapy center in Berkeley, California.
That conversation isn’t selfish. It’s not unreasonable. And the best way to present it is to be clear and concise.
“As obvious as this seems, not all of us are in touch with our boundaries, let alone our feelings,” Wright says, “So getting in touch with your boundaries may take self-reflection, maybe paying attention to any uncomfortable feelings or body-based signals a woman has that contain clues about what it is she truly wants, or perhaps it will take dialogue with herself, her friends, or her therapist—anything to help her get clearer on what she actually needs and wants from the situation.”
Use language that’s specific, such as “I am not open to an open relationship,” so you’re clearly communicating your boundaries. You should also ask specific questions of your partner, such as “Are we in a monogamous relationship?” Again, this language is specific and does not allow a partner to skirt the questions.
“Another example of a boundary may be the amount of time she is willing and able to give her partner versus investing that time in friends, family, and her own hobbies and pursuits,” Wright says. “Again, if a woman realizes her time boundaries are being encroached on by the relationship or by her partner and she feels uncomfortable about this, she may need to have a conversation and set a boundary about how much time she is able to spend with her partner on any given week/weekend.”
The key, once again, is being specific, clear, and concise.
“And then, once she gets clear on her boundaries, she may need to have a conversation with her romantic partner to explain her feelings about the situation she’s facing and to ask for what she needs and wants instead,” Wright suggests.
If you’re uneasy about setting boundaries with a partner, consider this: It could end up making the relationship better.
“Boundaries are essential to healthy intimacy,” Tessina says. “Boundaries are evidence of respect, and it’s not possible to really love someone if we don’t respect them. Setting boundaries creates mutual respect and consideration. These qualities allow people to be close without emotional harm.’”

Setting Boundaries With Parents

Of course, your partner isn’t the only person who can be crossing that boundary line. Society is slowly but surely adjusting to the notion that parents can also be a toxic influence in a person’s life, and with that comes the issue of determining whether you need to establish boundaries with your own family.
So how do you determine when you have a typical (albeit annoying) parent and when you have to set healthy boundaries with your parents?
“If [someone] is filled with thoughts about her parents and family of origin, and they take up the majority of her mental thinking space, then she needs to establish reasonable separation from her parents in order to be an independent adult as a prerequisite for coupling up,” says Walfish. “This is a crucial milestone in adult development.”
Saying no to our parents can be difficult, regardless of your upbringing, but it’s particularly difficult for kids who grew up in so-called “dysfunctional families,” where researchers have noted a tendency for children to develop anxiety and other mental health disorders.
But consider an upcoming holiday: Your parents want you at their place. Your siblings are pushing you to agree because it would be easier for them if everyone just showed up at the old homestead. But you want to stay home with your kids.
Is it okay to set boundaries here on behalf of your partner and your kids as well as yourself? Absolutely, Wright says.
“It’s important … to, again, self-reflect and to understand what she is and is not available for in terms of which holidays she does or does not spend with her family, how long she’s willing to spend when she does go there, and to also reflect on why and how it doesn’t always feel good for her to do so,” Wright says.
The next step?
“Usually, a conversation needs to happen with parents and siblings to reset expectations about what the adult woman is willing and able to do in terms of visiting or not, plus any additional requests she has about how she would like to be treated (for example, she would like her mother to stop bringing up her divorce and shaming her about it),” Wright notes. “These kinds of conversations are not necessarily easy, but I do think they are critical for healthy boundary setting with our families.”

Setting Boundaries With Your Kids

Of course, our parents and siblings aren’t the only people who can push, push, push. If you have kids, you know they test their limits. And setting firm boundaries can be even harder when you take one look at their darling faces with their puppy dog eyes.
But while you clearly have to give more to a helpless infant than you do to your 30-something sister who can’t seem to stop blowing up your text messages, even setting boundaries with children is possible…and necessary.
Setting those, however, often starts with you. Yes: you.
Are your kids trying to set boundaries with you that you waltz right over? It happens, even with the best, most well-intentioned parents, Tessina says.
“You can breach boundaries with your children by snooping in their private affairs without good reason, not allowing them to grow up, treating them like babies,” she says.
Other sins: “Doing too much for them—for example, getting too involved with their homework and doing it yourself instead of just helping them think it through—and expecting them to live up to your expectations and aspirations without considering their own dreams,” Tessina notes.
How often have you heard that kids learn by example? That’s especially true when it comes to setting boundaries.  
“To give them boundaries with you, insist that they treat you with respect, and set the example by respecting them,” Tessina says.
Walfish likes to use this common parent “mistake” as an example of how setting boundaries helps not just us but our kids: “Many teens and young adults have become anxiously attached to their electronics including [the] computer, iPhone, smartphone, iPad, and so on. The more you check your device, the more fuel you are feeding this addictive behavior and revving up versus winding down to go to sleep.”

As a solution, Walfish suggests, “Create your own reasonable curfew/bedtime. Make a solemn commitment to turn off all electronic devices at curfew time, then turn them back on in the morning. You will begin to develop confidence and security knowing your messages, texts, and emails are there, secure, and waiting for you to retrieve the next day.”

Setting Boundaries With Friends

Dinner’s over, and the check shows up. Your three friends want to split the check four ways, but you scooted in after work, meaning you missed the pre-dinner cocktails…and you’re driving, so you skipped the after-dinner drinks, too.
What do you do?
Financial boundaries are a common issue for friends, Wright says.
“For instance, when you have two girlfriends, one with a lot of disposable income and preferences for girls’ weekends away and fancy meals out, and another girlfriend who really enjoys spending time with her friend but who is on a stricter budget, often a need will arise for the friend who is on the stricter budget to set reasonable expectations with her other friend about what she can spend, how often they can go out together, and maybe negotiate finding low-cost or no-cost things to do together,” she notes.
Again, self-reflection matters here. You have to determine where and how you feel like your boundaries are being crossed and what you’d prefer happen instead.
Then speak up!
“If you say ‘no, thank you’ several times, then gently tell the person you don’t like what they’re doing, that it makes you uncomfortable, and they still don’t get it, then you need to sit them down and tell them you will not allow them to do that to you,” Tessina suggests. “For example, if a friend borrows money or lets you pay for lunch all the time, you can say, gently, ‘I think it’s your turn to buy lunch today’ or ‘I really need you to pay back the money you borrowed.’”
It it doesn’t work, you may have to be blunt.
“Say, ‘I think you’re taking advantage of me financially, and I can’t be your friend if the situation doesn’t improve,’” Tessina says. “‘So, I’m sorry, but I’m not going to lunch with you anymore unless you buy, and/or I’m not lending you any money.’”
It may sound scary to throw out an ultimatum, but this comes back to the self-reflection: Is this boundary important to you?
“Hopefully, your friendship is strong enough to tolerate you setting a boundary and having your own needs and wants, and hopefully, your friend will be able to honor that,” Wright says.
At the end of the day, that’s what all boundaries come down to. You deserve to be treated well, and you deserve people in your life who are willing to respect that.
[related article_ids=1000278]