Tag: balance

Job stress may have caught up with smoking as a significant risk to health.

How is job stress like smoking?

First, like smoking, job stress is a risk factor we can’t ignore.
We all know that stress is a risk factor for heart disease and other illnesses. According to several studies, if your job is highly demanding and you have little control over how you do that job, your risk of heart attack and stroke increases by nearly one-third. For women, the risk increases by 40 percent. According to the United Nations International Labor Organization, on-the-job stress costs American businesses about $200 billion through turnover, lower productivity, absenteeism, worker’s compensation, and medical insurance. Occupational stress has been declared a global epidemic and may be the most important challenge facing American businesses. Controlling stress can significantly decrease the risk of disease while increasing productivity and creativity.
Second, like smoking, job stress exposure can be limited or eliminated.
Banning smoking in public places, including in the workplace, resulted in a 30 percent decrease in heart attacks. It is possible to similarly limit job stress. No, we may not be able to completely eliminate all stress at work, and in fact, some stress is motivational. Peak performance often involves some level of stress. The problem, however, arises when a high level of stress continues without an opportunity to return to normal. Working at a fever pitch for an extended time creates unhealthy patterns. Creating opportunities to reflect and refresh in between bouts of peak performance, employing coping mechanisms to manage stress, and designing work environments to limit job stress will decrease risk and increase results.
Third, like smoking, secondhand job stress can be dangerous.
A rise in your level of the stress hormone cortisol when observing someone else’s stress—what researchers call empathic stress—can significantly increase your risk of disease. Think about it. When your co-workers are stressed or in a bad mood, does it affect the way you feel? For most of us, it does. This secondhand stress is especially strong when you have a close relationship with the other person.

So what can we do?

Understand the stress reaction:
The stress reaction in the body creates a hormone called cortisol, which can damage the heart when allowed to build to high levels. Cortisol is produced by the adrenal glands. It is essential in allowing the body to react to stressful situations, especially those requiring a “fight or flight” reaction. The body reacts to stress with a quick burst of energy, lowering sensitivity to pain and increasing attention and memory. One of the body’s more ingenious reactions to a threatening situation is to make blood clot faster, which will prevent bleeding to death from an injury. In this reaction the platelets become sticky, which is good in an emergency, but risky on a constant basis. Sticky blood is harder to pump, increasing blood pressure. Clotting more quickly increases the risk of stroke, heart attack, and migraine. Over time high levels of cortisol can also:

• Cause weight gain
• Raise risk of heart attack
• Raise risk of stroke
• Raise blood pressure
• Lower the ability to heal or resist infection
• Decrease bone density
• Throw blood sugar out of balance
• Lower brain function
• Interfere with thyroid function

Once the crisis passes, the body relaxes and allows the cortisol to process out of the blood stream. A constant state of high stress, however, doesn’t allow the body to rid itself of the hormone.
Process cortisol:
The body eliminates cortisol when it is relaxed. Some simple ways to reduce levels are:

• Sleep: The body needs between 7 and 9 hours of sleep each night to properly eliminate cortisol.
• Take deep breaths: Using deep-breathing exercises, guided imagery, yoga, or other stress-reduction techniques can reduce cortisol levels during the day.
• Move around more: Getting 20–30 minutes of exercise can work wonders.
• Take a vacation: Get away from sources of stress and give your body a chance to regenerate and be refreshed.

Focus on controlling response:
Choosing how to respond to potentially stressful situations can reduce the cortisol spike in the first place. Just acknowledging a stressful situation may reduce the body’s reaction to it. Research indicates that people who curse in reaction to an injury or stressful situation can reduce pain and cause a rapid release of stress hormones. A quick initial response followed by action may be a good solution. A “slow burn” of building stress over time can be very dangerous.
Remember the “because”:
Long periods of high stress can be particularly dangerous. Some jobs are by nature stressful. In those cases, it can be helpful to remind yourself why it is you endure a stressful situation. You endure job stress because:

• It creates advancement opportunities.
• It allows you to vacation, raise children, or save for something desirable.
• It brings value to the community.
• It pays the bills.

Managing job stress is essential to maintaining health and productivity. After working with high performers to improve heart health and manage stress for more than a decade, however, I discovered there isn’t enough data about the specifics of the job stress environment and how it affects men and women differently. I’ve been working to understand how changing the stress environment at work could make a difference. This led me to embark on a multiphase research project to explore this important topic.
The study is currently in the first phase, collecting data about job stress. A broad base of responses from all ages, genders, and job categories is needed.

How can you help?

Please take three minutes to complete this simple survey about job stress.
The initial results have been fascinating, and I look forward to sharing more information on job stress in the future.

We all remember how good and happy we felt as kids when we had friends to play with on the playground. There’s something extra special about knowing that someone cares about you, somebody invited you along, somebody wants you in their group. As we grow into adults, though, it’s easy to think that we can do it all on our own. If we’re paying our own bills and working on our career—and especially if we have families or committed romantic relationships of our own—there’s no need to expend further time and energy on friendships, right? Wrong! 

Grownups, even when they’re married and have kids, have a psychological core to socialize with others, and friends play a different role than family members do. For one thing, these relationships usually place fewer demands on us, so they’re not as draining. They also can work as a sounding board for fresh, new ideas and can give us a break from home life for a bit. For me personally, I adore my family, but sometimes it’s so refreshing and energizing to go out to lunch with a girlfriend.

There’s some really compelling social science evidence making the case for the importance of grownups having friends. In the past few years, there have been several research studies conducted that illustrate how adults with close friendships thrive better than those without them. 

One of the more comprehensive and revealing research projects on this topic came out of Australia, where 1,500 seniors were closely followed for 15 years. The results? Those who spent a significant amount of time with friends lived about 22 percent longer than those who spent time only with family. This and other studies illustrate how maintaining close friendships can ward off loneliness and depression, increase enjoyment and satisfaction, and even make us more likely to fend off disease. So yes, friends are incredibly important to your physical and emotional health!

But let’s say you examine your life and realize you might be coming up a bit short in this department. It can be intimidating to get out of your comfort zone and forge new friendships, especially since so many other adults seem to be pretty well established in their social groups. How do you expand your circle of friends in a way that doesn’t come off as desperate or needy? 

It’s actually okay to send the message that you’re looking for a friend or in need of some company (the individuals who do this in a way that turns people off don’t own up to what they want and may try to manipulate or guilt trip you into spending time together). I encourage you to be assertive and express directly that you’d like to get to know someone better. 

I can think of several instances in my own life where I was at a gathering and crossed paths with someone who I could tell was a very interesting and engaging person, so I went up to her and said that I’d really like to be her friend! Don’t shy away from doing this; it’s really quite a compliment to someone that you’d be bold enough to say something like that. 

And if you don’t get the response you’re hoping for, or the other person doesn’t seem to reciprocate? We all understand that adults are busy people, so I suggest reaching out three times. If you still aren’t getting feedback from the other person, it’s time to move on. But don’t stress! You can create a new friendship bond with someone else.

Another way to access the benefits that come with close adult relationships is to use the ones you already have! We get busy, we get married, we change jobs, we move around, etc., so it’s natural to lose touch and connection with people in our lives who once played a bigger role. Technology really is such a gift in that it helps us keep in touch. While we still need those face-to-face interactions, don’t underestimate the power of staying in contact via Facebook, email, blogging, etc. Some of my very dearest friends are those whom I don’t see very often, but we use social media to stay updated on each others’ lives! 

And remember that there are different levels of friendship; not everyone is going to be our best friend, and that’s okay. So some people you might communicate with quite frequently, while others you choose to touch base with occasionally. Whatever your specific circumstances, make sure you are devoting at least some of yourself to those friendships. You’ll be happier and better off for it!

I’m very grateful for my adult friendships; they have enriched my life and also given me much-needed support at times. I invite you to consider the state of your own friendships. Have they taken a back seat to other responsibilities? We’re all very busy, but perhaps it’s time you reached out to rekindle a connection with a long-lost friend. Or maybe branch out and create new connections. Adult friendships can play a crucial role in your life; don’t neglect them!

I’m convinced that friendship is one of the greatest gifts we have as human beings. We can have fun together, rely on each other, and learn quite a bit along the way. But a long-standing friendship usually sees one or both individuals getting thrown an emotional curveball. Job loss, breakups, health issues, problems at work, mental illness, and just overall discontentment with life are all examples of negative possibilities that someone may have to face. 

If someone close to you is experiencing something difficult, what is your role? How do you help alleviate the suffering? Is it even your place to get involved? As a therapist, I’ve noticed that sometimes our instincts of what to say or do are well intentioned but can sometimes be the opposite of what the other person needs. Here are some suggestions of how you can help a friend who isn’t happy.

The first step is to show empathy. Even in close-knit relationships, there are differing levels of intimacy, and if a friend is vulnerable enough to open up to you about a struggle, respond kindly and compassionately. Try your best to really listen, and don’t get weirded out or back away from something that’s uncomfortable or unpleasant. Be a “bad weather friend,” not a fair weather one. Everything you say or do should be rooted in empathy. 

So often we jump to solutions, but just be with your friend in her pain. Most of the time we just want to know we’re not alone in whatever hard times we face. And while you can be involved in an appropriate way, remember that you don’t have to own the problem. It can be a wonderful role for you to offer support, but it’s not your job to “fix” someone else or solve her troubles. If you find yourself bogged down by her problems or thinking about them more than you should, it might be time to take a step back and set an emotional boundary. Don’t take her load on as your own.

Another way to help is to ask questions and reflect back what she is expressing to you. This demonstrates that you care about her and are engaged in her situation. It can also give you a better understanding of what she’s going through. Consider saying something like, “How are you feeling about all of this?” or “So, what you’re saying is that ______.” Avoid statements like “I know just how you feel!” or “It’s not that bad.” These are minimizing and won’t help your friend cope or find relief. Sticking to questions and validating statements keeps the focus on her instead of on you.

So should you give recommendations to your friend about what she should do? 

This can be really tricky. Unsolicited advice is almost always a bad idea. On the other hand, you may have some insight into her dilemma that could be helpful. A good way to approach this situation is to simply ask, “Are you open for feedback?” 

If your friend is relaying something to you and you don’t exactly agree with her take on it, simply acknowledge that it sounds like it’s really difficult, then ask her if she wants to hear another perspective. This is respectful and gives her the opportunity to decide whether she wants to hear your ideas or if maybe what she really needs is for you to listen. Also, let your friend feel what she’s feeling. By this I mean don’t encourage her to just get over whatever’s bothering her. If she needs to cry, let her cry. Sometimes the only way to move past painful emotions is directly through them.

No one likes to see a close friend go through something difficult. However, this can be an opportunity for you to step up and be there for her when she really needs you and can even improve your relationship. Respond with empathy, use validating statements and questions, and just try be there for her in her pain.

It’s no secret that men and women approach parenting differently (fortunately, children can benefit from both unique styles). In general, men are not the primary caregiver and perhaps have a perspective that’s a little bit removed from the situation but ironically can be quite helpful and effective in raising kids. Unfortunately, sometimes there may be even a bit of a pride factor where women think they know best about how to raise their family. If this describes you at all, I challenge you to put that notion aside and realize that there’s actually a lot that moms can learn from dads. Here are a few examples of parenting strategies and characteristics that women can adopt from men.

The first is to be more flexible and even a bit more fun. Mothers often like to stick to the rules and may get frustrated when schedules aren’t followed exactly. For example, bedtime can be a common source of stress for moms, but dads are usually pretty good about not worrying too much if a kid goes to sleep a little bit later than normal every once in awhile. Of course, it’s possible to overdo it and get too lax about rules, routines, eating nutritious foods, etc. Think about the parents from Mrs. Doubtfire: Sally Field’s character was pretty uptight, while Robin Williams’ character was incredibly fun but also highly irresponsible (before he became Mrs. Doubtfire, of course). In real life, though, moms and dads can balance each other out and help their children follow the rules, such as getting to bed on time more often than not. So maybe moms can loosen up a bit?

Another strength that men often have and that women can learn from is expecting compliance the first time. When a mom’s limits are tested, sometimes she is overly nice and almost too patient and forgiving of her son or daughter. Maybe she has to ask five times for her child to clean his room before he finally does it. Dads, on the other hand, tend to have an expectation that a child will do as he/she is told immediately. There’s no arguing or bargaining; it’s not up for debate. Kids learn very quickly how much or how little bad behavior will be tolerated, so women can be like men and have high standards for their kids that must be met the first time (or at least very soon). There’s no need to be mean, just firm in our expectations.

Women can glean the power of simplicity from men. I honestly think that Pinterest has done a lot of harm to women’s self-esteem in showing them what they think their lives should be like. For instance, consider kids’ birthday parties. A customized cake, homemade decorations, an extravagant piñata, and party favors for 6-year-olds may be an unrealistic expectation that women put on themselves, whereas a dad in charge of a birthday party might order pizza, get a cake from Costco, and call it good. Men know they’re not going to be perfect and don’t let it bother them. Women tend to ruminate and replay mistakes or shortcomings in their minds. As moms, we can learn to simplify and let go of parenting perfectionism. Also, why not have the man of the house plan the next birthday party?

And one final lesson about parenting that women can learn from men is to separate or differentiate themselves from their children. Moms work so hard for their kids and want the best for them but may inadvertently over-identify with them. For example, if a child bombs a test, a mother might feel some guilt and stress over it. Dads are generally pretty good about realizing that a child’s behavior or performance does not necessarily reflect on them. Of course, there are limits to this idea: Parents are to blame for a child being an addict if they were the ones who first introduced him to drugs. But beyond dramatic situations like these, parents don’t need to feel like their children’s individual actions are their own responsibility, and so women can follow men’s example in drawing an emotional distinction between themselves and their kids.

Props to the great dads out there who aren’t perfect (none of us are!) but are using their natural gifts in raising their families in a healthy and loving way. Let’s all learn from them about how to relax, be simple, and have high but reasonable expectations for our children and for ourselves.

I’ve spent almost half my life on some form of birth control. I tried the Depo shot early on but found that it seemed to work by killing my sex drive. Then I tried several different pills with side effects ranging from increased migraines to fatigue before I finally found one that seemed to work well for me. It worked great for a number of years both as a birth control and to help keep my periods consistent when they decided to start showing up more often than they should.
In 2010 I had problems with my blood pressure and as a result had to stop taking the pill. Then last year I asked my doctor if I could start it again. My blood pressure had returned to normal and I’d since been diagnosed with endometriosis. I hoped that taking the pill again would reduce the symptoms associated with endometriosis. It did, but it came at a price: my sex drive.
According to a 2012 medical review, it’s not uncommon for the pill to affect your sex life negatively. In fact, taking the pill commonly affects a woman’s sex drive in three primary ways.

• Reduced Lubrication – Women using oral contraceptives are more likely to report reduced vaginal lubrication. Reduced lubrication can lead to discomfort during sex and even pain. The good news is that the dryness associated with oral contraceptives typically goes away after 12 months on the pill.
• Increased Pain – Use of oral contraceptives can result in increased pain in the vulvar vestibule. Women using the pill for more than two years or women who started using the pill at a very young age are more likely to report vulvar pain. Some reports indicate that this pain stops when the women stop using the pill.
• Reduced Libido – Although early studies concluded that there was no connection between oral contraceptive use and sex drive, recent studies have shown otherwise. Studies show that the pill can reduce sex drive in women anywhere from 8% to 50% of the time. Other factors in the women’s lives may play a role, but it is understood that the changes in androgens are a factor in libido.

Unfortunately, oral contraceptives aren’t the only type of contraceptive that can negatively affect your sex life. Any hormonal contraceptive can carry the same side effects because of the changes to your hormones.

• Condoms are hormone-free and have a high success rate of preventing pregnancy. Condoms are effective 98% of the time when used correctly.
• The diaphragm is a flexible dome-shaped cup that is inserted into the vagina prior to sex. It creates a barrier preventing sperm from passing beyond the cervix. The diaphragm has an effectiveness rate of up to 94% when used correctly.
• The contraceptive sponge is a small piece of sponge coated in spermicide that is inserted into the vagina and over the cervix. It creates a barrier preventing sperm from passing while the spermicide kills any sperm that come into contact with it. With proper use the sponge has an effectiveness rate of 94%.
• The IUD (intrauterine device) is an implantable device that interferes with the sperm’s ability to move inside the uterus, causing the sperm to die before it can implant. An IUD must be implanted by a medical professional and has an effectiveness rate of 99%.
• Natural methods include pulling out or withdrawal of the penis prior to ejaculation, the rhythm method, and fertility awareness. These methods range in effectiveness from 73% to 98% if used consistently and carefully.

Although hormonal birth control methods may come with some negative side effects, they are still the right choice for many women. The pill worked great for me for many years, but something changed in my hormones so that when I tried to use it again, I wasn’t able to do so without losing my libido, even though it was the same pill I’d used previously.
The question of birth control as a right doesn’t come up very often these days. Fortunately, there are many available options, and we can each choose the one that is best for us with the fewest side effects. Unfortunately, making that choice may require some trial and error.
Source:
Burrows LJ, Basha M, Goldstein AT. The effects of hormonal contraceptives on female sexuality: a review. The Journal of Sexual Medicine. 2012;9(9):2213–2223.

Ah, a nap. How good we feel after we take one (or not). I’m not a napper, although I wish I could be. When I was young I always took a long nap on Sunday afternoons, and I always woke up feeling groggy. These days I take short naps occasionally (usually under 20 minutes). When I manage to take one I wake up refreshed and able to continue with my day. It seems that I’ve inadvertently stumbled on something that researchers have been examining for quite some time.

Why Nap?

There are actually a number of proven benefits to napping.

• Napping improves mood – Perhaps it’s just the increased sleep, perhaps it’s not being cranky because you are tired. Whatever the case, napping consistently has been shown to improve mood.
• Napping reduces fatigue – Well, that seems obvious. Any sleep should help improve fatigue, but regular napping decreases not only the fatigue of a bad night’s sleep but the fatigue that we feel as we hit that mid-afternoon energy slump.
• Napping improves attention – Struggling to pay attention in those afternoon meetings? Perhaps heading to your car for a 15-minute nap before the meeting will help. Those who nap show a greater ability to pay attention than those who don’t.
• Napping improves performance – A 2005 study by Hayashi et al. showed that performance and alertness dip through lunchtime when no nap is taken, but a short nap improves performance on logic, math, and reasoning tasks.
• Napping improves reaction time – This may be the most important reason for those who are sleep deprived to nap. Whether you are driving or your work requires a quick reaction time, a nap can help you.
• Napping improves memory – Napping improves both declarative memory (the ability to recall what you know) and procedural memory (the ability to recall how to do stuff).
• Napping may reduce your need for sleep – According to Timothy Ferriss, the author of The 4-Hour Body, for every nap you take during the day your need for sleep reduces by two hours.

Of course, most of us just grab a coffee in the afternoon to get us through the slump. So how does a nap compare with coffee? The benefits of a nap are more reliable and last longer than caffeine. Naps don’t leave you with the jitters or a post-caffeine crash. They just work. Following your nap with caffeine will give you the greatest benefit.

Timing matters. The benefits of your nap are affected by timing in two ways: when you take the nap and how long you nap.

• Timing of the nap – If you generally sleep well at night, you’ll get the most benefit from a nap taken sometime between 2 and 5 p.m. This is typically when your circadian rhythm dips, leaving you feeling tired. Naps during this timeframe show a greater improvement in performance than naps taken before the post-lunch dip. Of course, if you sleep later, then your nap should come later too. If you don’t generally sleep well at night and are sleep deprived, you’ll likely benefit the most from an earlier nap.
• Nap duration – How long you nap matters, but how long is too long and how long is too short? Five minutes is too short, but short naps of 10–20 minutes show the greatest benefit. Naps longer than 20 minutes are still beneficial, but they come at a price. You wake up groggy, and it takes a while to clear your head, thus delaying the benefits. The longer the nap the longer the delay between the nap and when the benefits are seen. Naps longer than an hour show diminishing returns; basically you get the same benefit from a 2-hour nap that you’ll get from a 1-hour nap.

Additionally, researchers have found that those who nap daily get more restorative benefit from their naps than those who just nap occasionally. 

So take a little time each day—but not a lot—and schedule a nap. You’ll be glad you did after you reap the benefits of improved attention, alertness, performance, reaction time, and a better mood. Go ahead, take a nap. It’s good for you!

Source: Milner CE, Cote KA (2009). Benefits of napping in healthy adults: impact of nap length, time of day, age, and experience with napping. Journal of Sleep Research, 18(2):272–281.

There is nothing worse than not feeling heard. You’ve probably encountered a bad listener at a party, at work, or even in your personal life. It’s the person who continues to talk without pausing for you to get a word in, and when you do finally get the chance they don’t ask any follow-up questions because they probably didn’t even hear what you said. 

In general, most people are not good listeners, but it isn’t always intentional. If you think about a world in which the majority of human beings have not been properly supported or validated, you would realize that we have a large population of individuals who long to feel heard and thus would prefer talking to listening.

Listening is a skill that can be strengthened or weakened depending on many variables. Personality, upbringing, levels of frustration, mindfulness, and empathy can all play a part in whether someone is a good or bad listener. When I work with couples in my practice I almost always have one partner who can’t listen and a partner who doesn’t feel heard. These couples come in to work on “communication,” but it’s less about what’s being said and more about what isn’t being heard. 

In this context, the reason for poor listening is usually due to escalated feelings or defensiveness because one partner feels attacked or judged by their partner’s expression of dissatisfaction or hurt. When any of us become activated or dysregulated by strong feelings we organically have a much harder time hearing what the other person is trying to say. This is why two people in an argument might just yell at each other without any ability to resolve the problem. Your brain’s prefrontal cortex takes in information from an external source in a way that allows for reflection. This is easy when you’re calm and focused, but when you or someone you’re trying to talk to gets upset, that part of the brain goes offline and a more primitive part of the brain takes over. This reptilian-like part of the brain just wants to defend and protect; it doesn’t want to hear and resolve.

The good news, however, is that human beings are wired for resolution and reconciliation. We are actually driven to make amends and resolve things peacefully. We want nothing more than to get along and feel loved and connected. This is why we work so hard and stay in difficult relationships for so long. We want them to work even if it means literally fighting for that to happen. Getting out of our own way and learning how to really listen is possible for anyone if the willingness and vulnerability required can be tolerated.

The technique I love the most for becoming a better listener is called active listening. It requires the person on the receiving end to do two things. First, they need to make themselves present and available through eye contact and body language by looking at and facing their partner. Second, they need to repeat back what they hear verbatim.

There are no interpretations, perspectives, or opinions allowed. This is a very difficult process not only because it’s not how we’re used to communicating, but also because it requires the listener to stay out of their own head and really hear what’s being said. Normally we are constantly building our response, story, explanation, or defense in our own minds while our partner is talking. This makes it impossible to remain present. This exercise forces the listener to set aside their own agenda long enough to really hear what they need to hear.

This technique is especially well-suited for difficult conversations (such as arguments with a spouse) and for expressing support. Research suggests that using this technique can help others feel more understood and improve relationship satisfaction. Active listening can be used with other people in your life, such as students, co-workers, or your children. It strengthens trust and can also serve as a means to get away from escalated and cyclical arguments by preventing miscommunication. When you express an active interest in what another person has to say and make him or her feel heard, you foster empathy and connection and reduce the risk of making others feel neglected, disrespected, and resentful.

This communication technique can feel awkward and hokey at first, but without the ability to listen or feel heard you run the risk of increased stress, poor relationship health, and even losing out on the opportunity for the increased happiness that comes with deeper connections. Active listening isn’t just about improving your communication style, it’s also a way to improve your overall well-being.

Online dating is going strong even though most people will tell you they hate it. With new apps popping up all the time, Bumble has put a spin on traditional dating by putting the woman in charge. Taking a closer look, however, this may not be in her best interest.
I have to admit that tackling a topic like online dating is a bit out of my wheelhouse. I’m going to be 50 soon, I’m not single, and although I’m divorced and met my current beau on Match.com six years ago, I feel very far removed from this culture. I am a therapist, however, so I often get a bird’s-eye view of the dating scene when conversing with my 20- and 30-something clients about their love lives. I feel lucky that I get to stay connected vicariously to the fascinating phenomenon of virtual dating.
In general, the consensus is that online dating sucks. I have yet to meet anyone who loves it. It’s kind of like flying. You do it because you need to get from point A to point B, but in no way does the journey feel good. Online dating has become a hobby for many, a game for some, and a last-ditch effort for those who have practically given up on finding the right partner at all. In fact, online dating has become so commonplace that meeting someone in the real world is often considered “impossible” and even “old school.”
So when a lovely 32-year-old client told me about Bumble, the newest dating app from the creators of Tinder, I was intrigued. “I’ve given up on all the dating sites,” she said, “except for this one called Bumble.”
“What’s Bumble?” I asked (feeling pretty out of it having to even ask that question). She explained to me that it’s exactly like Tinder except that women make the first move, and if they get a response from the pursuit they only have 24 hours to close the deal.
According to Bumble, “Girls must initiate the conversation with their matches, or else they disappear after 24 hours. The only control the guy has in the situation is the ability to extend one match each day for an extra 24 hours.”
I was immediately intrigued and wanted to know how she felt about that flip-flop of traditional dating values. To me, it sounded like fishing using your own charm and good looks as the bait. The idea of putting yourself out there as a woman without any guarantee that he’ll bite seemed both empowering and frightening at the same time. I could see how this would be a great option for the more assertive and confident girls on Bumble, but for the insecure or shy it sounded like a nightmare.
Handing girls the power to choose is good marketing at best, and the way it’s pitched leads girls to believe that they’ll have men piling up at their feet waiting to be selected. In reality, this app is basically Tinder without the mutual swipe. The real concern I have with Bumble is more about mate selection and how we’re messing with the natural dance we’re evolutionarily wired to engage in. At first, it seemed that the men were at a disadvantage, but as I thought about it more they were just being let off the hook.
Online dating has changed the way we do courtship, robbing us of the very important primitive mating rituals we’re wired to practice–the ones that make our most important life encounters playful and fun, like flirting, looking fancy, gazing across the room, and making a move to approach.
We know that traditionally the woman is pursued by the man and that the woman has always been in the position to accept or decline that pursuer. This may be an antiquated model in today’s world of modern love and female empowerment, but I couldn’t help but wonder if a website like Bumble isn’t messing things up even more. Dating is already a confusing process that has become more about thinking than natural chemistry, and now the one piece of the process that seemed to endure has been obliterated in the service of marketing a new online dating platform.
I think there’s something important for a woman in being pursued by a man that is both romantic and flattering. All girls, even the most self-sufficient and independent, want to be the most desirable female around. She wants the males to find her, line up for her, and compete for her. This is part of our natural drive to mate, and for so long this has been the expectation of how things will play out. Women have already had to forgo many courtship traditions in response to the current dating culture, so stepping up to the batting plate is a move toward equality, but it also signifies a loss.
Bumble has put a new spin on things, but maybe as women we shouldn’t be so quick to grab that mighty baton of being the pursuer without considering what is being sacrificed. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a more traditional experience, and acknowledging the need to be pursued and chosen is nothing to be ashamed of. The most important part of finding a partner is not how it happens, but there is great value in how you feel about the process.
Do what feels good and right for you without apology, because at the end of the day you write the script of your love story, not Bumble.

Valentine’s Day. Are we all feeling the feels yet? Anticipation or nerves, love or loneliness, excitement or exasperation. The holiday elicits many reactions, but I like to look at it in a way that I think we can all rally behind, no matter our Facebook relationship status.

Valentine’s Day isn’t just about showering the ones you love with affection. That’s cool if you want to do that, but there’s someone much more important out there deserving of a little TLC: you.

Yes, you. The same you who–you think–should lose or gain ten pounds or have a smaller nose or longer legs or bigger muscles. The same you whose voice makes you cringe when you hear it and whose actions you make a life of discounting.

The same you who is with you through thick and thin, who never walks away when the going gets tough, and who wears your scars like an open book.

It can feel daunting or even counterproductive to love yourself for exactly who you are in this moment, but it is the very foundation of health. You can practice self-acceptance and still strive to be a better person every waking day. In fact, that’s exactly what caring for yourself entails. When you are your top priority, everything changes.

Suddenly, you don’t choose salad because you “should” but because you want to nourish that beautiful, strong body of yours. You don’t trudge through an hour of torture at the gym as punishment, but rather you find ways of moving your body that make you feel alive. You sleep when you’re tired and meditate when you’re stressed. You eat when you’re hungry and stop before you’re stuffed because that’s what makes you feel best. You fill your life with people who build you up and learn to stand strong against the ones who try to knock you down. Including yourself.

There will always be challenging days and setbacks, but that’s what Valentine’s Day is for. It’s this one day of love stuck in the dead of winter that reminds us to be a little kinder to ourselves. It matters how we talk to ourselves.

The key to having a healthier Valentine’s Day lies not in resisting temptation but in acknowledging your own self-worth instead.

You may be thinking, who is this chick to tell me about my own self-worth? It’s true: I’m not a psychologist. But as a professional in the field of nutrition and fitness, here’s what I know: every single person who walks through my office door has spent a lifetime hating him- or herself. And my only wish for each one of them is not to reach their goal weight or learn to love broccoli, although those milestones are exciting; it’s to experience firsthand the liberation of breaking free of the shackles of “should” and harnessing the self-confidence that I know is buried deep down within them.

This Valentine’s Day do something radical. Be your own Valentine! In the end, it doesn’t matter how many people love you, if you don’t love, or at the very least respect, all of your potential. Everyone says that, but are you ready to practice it? Here are some tips to get you started.

Eat food because you want to, not because you feel you’ve earned it. You don’t deserve the treat; you deserve better. It’s ok to want a little chocolate on Valentine’s Day, and it’s not contingent on being “good” leading up to it.

Explore non-food strategies for coping with strong emotions. Valentine’s Day can stir up a lot of complex emotions: stress, loneliness, heartache. We’re taught from an early age that food soothes all of these “ailments,” and it becomes our only tool for coping. Expand your emotional toolbox.

Date yourself. Put on an outfit that makes you feel smoking hot or at the very least comfortable in your own skin. Buy yourself flowers. Take yourself out to dinner or on a nice evening walk. Treat yourself to a massage. Whatever it is you wish someone else would do for you, do it for yourself. Stop waiting. This is what you deserve.

Look yourself in the eyes (er, mirror), smile, and compliment yourself. You might feel silly at first. You might not know what to say. Tell yourself you’re beautiful. Do this every day. One day, in a week or a month or six, you’ll wake up and actually believe it.

Loving yourself takes practice, but it is by the far the most powerful step you can take toward improved well-being. You can eat kale salads and kill it at the gym all you want, but until you see your worth and treat yourself as well as you deserve, nothing will truly change.

Remember: You deserve better, and it all starts with you.