Tag: balance

When you were a child, what’s your fondest memory? Was it playing with your stuffed animals in your play area? It very well could have been if you had one of those faithful puppy’s who were with you through the thick and thin. But what about that family vacation you took to Disney World, or that time you went to Niagra Falls and felt the mist tickling your cheeks? That was pretty incredible…kind of beats out the 30th stuffed animal you received for your 6th birthday, doesn’t it?  Now flash forward to present day. Let’s compare your last trip to Greece with the $700 you just spent on new clothes. Just think, that bundle of change could have been a round trip ticket to a new vacay spot… Pretty depressing, huh?

A lot of our habits form when we’re barely cognizant of the world around us. As children, we look up to our parents and mimic their actions and personalities. If your mother or father places high importance on status and material goods then chances are you’re going to imitate this lifestyle and mind frame. Consequently, if/when you become a parent your actions will be mirrored by your offspring as well. 

But why exactly is it important to collect experiences and not things? Research suggests that experiential purchases have a higher rate for providing a more enduring and long-lasting happiness than materials. This investigation does not lie solely in the outcome of the experience or the eventual attainment of the possession, but it deals with anticipation as well. Waiting for experiences tends to bring about more happiness than waiting for a possession. Living in the moment is something that we are not able to practice every day, so looking forward towards a future event replaces that desire  (Psychological Science). 

Cornell doctoral candidate Amit Kumar describes excitement and impending anticipation like this: “You can think about waiting for a delicious meal at a nice restaurant or looking forward to a vacation and how different that feels from waiting for, say, your pre-ordered iPhone to arrive. Or when the two-day shipping on Amazon Prime doesn’t seem fast enough” (The Atlantic).

Personally, I’m completely in line with the mentality that I’d rather save my money for travel than for a new patio set. However, the question does remain – wouldn’t you be happier with something that’s long lasting and that you could use every day rather than an experience that may only last a week? Unfortunately, once a routine occurs, even that car you’ve needed so badly becomes obsolete. You become used to its everyday presence and take it for granted/don’t look upon it quite as fondly as you initially did. However, have you ever reminisced on your backpacking trip through Germany with anything less than fondness? Even when something goes wrong on a vacation you can usually make light of it during the time, and, if not, years down the road you’re able to laugh at the bad turn of luck you may have incurred. Other times, such as being stranded at an airport, you can bond with your friends and family members in ways that you couldn’t even imagine prior. However, when your shipment for the latest Xbox is delayed two weeks there is never going to be a time where you’ll look back and be glad it was late. It just isn’t going to happen. 

Another study revealed that there are two types of transactions and each one has drastically different results. Say  you’re in line for a Justin Timberlake concert. Chances are you’re going to strike up conversations with those around you and possibly make friends with them for the rest of the evening. There’s no competition involved because everyone is going to have relatively the same enjoyable experience, and there’s nothing to be gained by being rude to someone. However, let’s take Black Friday for instance. You hear these horror stories where people are trampled and injured because someone wants to get that 64 inch TV that’s been reduced a mere 30%. At the end of the day, the satisfaction people are receiving from these type of events are toxic and not lasting (The Atlantic). 

Character is built when you’re purchasing events as opposed to toys. These trips and places you travel to, even if it’s just an hour away, builds self-confidence and introduces you to new situations that you would ordinarily not be able to experience. Greed is perpetuated with the constant need to fulfill our consumeristic desires.

I’ll leave you with this, material items are far more fleeting than memories. You’re only going to have your Macbook for five to seven years tops, and then it’s on to the next model. The trip to London you took with your brother is something that only lasts twelve days, yet you’re still talking about it ten years later. Once you’re able to lose your obsession with material items you will feel lighter with better priorities. Try to save for a vacation next time instead of the latest gaming consul. Once you take that trip see how you feel, chances are you’re going to have quite a change in perspective on life. 

Individually and as a society our relationships and marriages are imbedded with a variety of beliefs and expectations about what it means to be committed to another. For some of us being in a partnership equates with security, monogamy and eternal companionship. For others it’s a duty, natural next step or a requirement to have children.

Sometimes we’re aware of the reasons we commit, but more often then not we enter into a relationship with the assumption that our partner is on the same page, and with strong beliefs about what it means to be in a committed relationship.

I work extensively with divorce and it saddens me when I see the deep despair that comes with learning that the fantasy of what was to be is shattered by the reality of what is. One of the first exercises I do with a broken-hearted client working on ending their relational dreams is to list their beliefs about commitment to another person.

Here are some of the responses I get:

 – Marriage means forever.

– Monogamy is assumed.

– Lying is about distrust.

– Betrayal equates with divorce.

The commitments we make to another when we are ready to give ourselves over are what Elizabeth Nelson, Ph.D. calls “shadow vows”. She says, “these are the invisible promises we make that bind us to the other as tenaciously as the vows we speak out loud.”

Of course we make promises, both conscious and unconscious because it’s these very words that ground us in a sense of safety, and security in our relationships. Without these unconscious and conscious beliefs about relational life we could never enter into something so daring and courageous. The vows we make are the very foundation on which we build a life of love and dedication to one another.

These vows also give us a sense of control and understanding about what we’re supposed to expect or demand from our lovers, but there is one major flaw in our system. These self-imposed rules leave us feeling disappointed most of the time because human beings are imperfect, and highly unpredictable when it comes to behavior…particularly around love.

When you’re dealing with good intention and convoluting it with human behavior you have to be ready to make some adjustments and accommodations. So what is one to do about all of this? How do we enter into relationships consciously knowing that we can get hurt, have our hearts broken or feel betrayed at any time? These are great questions with some very simple answers.

Get real

Living in reality is not something we humans do easily. We like to create fantasies and fictitious stories that feed our minds with the ideas that allow us to feel safe. However, being honest with yourself about the risk that comes with love will not only make your relationship more exciting, it will deepen the appreciation you have for your devoted lover. In her book Mating in Captivity Esther Perel makes the claim that the greatest passion in a relationship comes from knowing you can lose your partner at any time.

Speak from the shadows

No matter what type of relationship you’re in it’s essential to have spoken vows and commitments. Having a sense of shared relationship values strengthens everything and it offers a starting point from which to build a healthy dynamic. Have the tough discussions about infidelity, dissatisfaction, annoying habits and any fears that are lurking beneath the pretty, polished fantasy in advance so when they surface (and they will) you have a clarity and a place to come back to.

Check your perfectionism at the door

In most relationships each person holds the same standards for their partner as they do for themselves. This is fine as long as your standards are realistic. If you have really high expectations and feel you need to be perfect than you’ll expect the same from your lover. Each person on this earth is flawed in some way because human beings are simply not perfect creatures. Get comfortable with your own fallibility and you’ll have a much easier go at the relationship.

It’s true that love is blind, but that doesn’t mean we have to walk off of a cliff. Instead of denial think about acceptance, and replace expectation with honesty. There is never a good reason in life to pretend that something is real when it’s not, and this is particularly true when it comes to love and relating.

I remember the first time the night terrors started. I don’t recall exactly what the first one was, but the one that stands out the most was seeing a confederate soldier standing in the bedroom and the next thing I know my husband is holding me and trying to wake me up. Normally, I have to have the room completely dark in order to sleep, but after waking up from a night terror there was no way I could turn the light back off. The fear (the terror) would stay with me long after the image faded. There were many over that period, I saw my dead grandmother, I saw weird random shapes zooming in through the window, I saw scary people (and people who shouldn’t have been scary at all). That period of night terrors lasted several months during 2008. Thankfully, they went away as fast as they started, once we determined what was causing them.

What are night terrors?

It’s important to understand that night terrors are very different than the common nightmare which occurs during REM sleep. Night terrors typically occur during non-REM sleep and may be caused by a slight waking during the transition between sleep stages. Because parts of your brain are still asleep and parts are awake, it may be that a part of the dream you were having seeped into your consciousness as you wakened slightly, making those elements appear in the real world around you. This gives a whole new understanding to “Nightmare on Elm Street” doesn’t it?

Night terrors are most common in small children and may be the reason why you find your child screaming in the middle of the night certain that there is a monster in the closet, or a person looking in the window, even though that window is closed with a blind over it so that the child couldn’t see the person if they were really out there. While they are most common in children, night terrors can also occur in adults, although they are extremely rare.

Night terrors are not just difficult for the person who experiences them, they are hard on everyone who has to live with that person. The screams that typically accompany the night terrors will wake anyone in the house, and may wake the neighbors depending on how close they are. I’ve woken up with sore throats from the screams that accompany my night terrors.

A person experiencing a night terror is often difficult to wake. They are screaming yet they are asleep. They are seeing the room around them yet they are not fully conscious.

What causes night terrors?

The most common cause of night terrors is simply stress. But, as I found, there are other causes. A number of medications can cause night terrors, including antihistamines which disrupt the sleep cycles. Some blood pressure medications can also cause night terrors. That bout of night terrors I suffered in 2008 was the result of antihistamines. The night terrors returned again just a few months ago and while they disappeared just as quickly I’m still unsure of the cause. It may have been a blood pressure medication, or even stress.

Night terrors have also been linked to migraines, restless leg syndrome, gastric reflux, and sleep apnea. Adults who suffer from night terrors also commonly have a history of anxiety or depression. It is unknown if these links show a potential cause and effect, or if it’s simply a matter of having one increases the likelihood of having the other.

Can you stop night terrors?

Children who suffer from night terrors typically outgrow it. Adults, like myself, that live with night terrors may not be so lucky. If you can find the cause you might be able to stop the night terrors by removing it.

Some suggestions include waking the person up about 90 minutes after they fall asleep, this is the time they would usually wake with the night terror. Doing so can prevent the night terror, but it can also disrupt their sleep cycles and there’s no guarantee they won’t just have the night terror during a later cycle. Some sleep medications can also help prevent night terrors, but again these disrupt the sleep cycle, which can lead to daytime sleepiness and mental fogginess.

Sometimes they just stop on their own. This is typically the case for children who eventually “outgrow” the night terrors.

If you are an adult with night terrors, take a close look at the medications you are using. Research each one to see it may disrupt sleep cycles, or cause night terrors. And, don’t be embarrassed to talk to your doctor about what you are dealing with. He may be able to help you find the answer and stop the night terrors.

Love, when your northern star becomes embodied in someone’s flesh. It’s passionate, angry, ever-changing, and worth it.

Love goes through stages- some filled with energy and others with contentment. But the three basic stages have transcended time and philosophy: Romantic, realistic, and content love. 

When you get hit by Cupid’s arrow you can hardly see straight. You’re sickeningly in love (consequently making everyone else feeling wildly uncomfortable). This “honeymoon phase” can last for days, weeks, even years, but inevitably that high will wear off. Some find this terrifyingly depressing, whereas, once you hit this point, this explanation becomes incredibly reassuring. However, you’re inevitably going to grapple with the decision: do you keep going down this path together or do you split your separate ways? Neither one is a bad decision, but if you do decide to stick together you better be prepared for some grueling challenges. 

Generation Y 

Loving someone consistently requires effort. When you’ve come down from your “love sick” high you realize that giving back rubs and going to all of their favorite movies doesn’t come quite as easily. Being a Generation Y adult has taught me that romance should be fast and furious. When things stop feeling good it’s best to drop it and move to the next one. Why? Because we’re young, life is short, and why settle when you can have something even better? This image seemed so glittering and bright during college. Why yes, I should be treated better. CYA! I began to even title my serial dating as a feminist act; I’m not putting up with your insensitivity and lack of attention. I graduated college and held that same mind frame as I entered the workforce, but, as often comes with time, I realized that this glittering and bright idea was becoming dulled and tarnished. I was beginning to see that this instant gratification plan wasn’t working quite so well for me.

Loving Unconditionally

Love is hard, and what’s even harder is loving unconditionally. The art of loving varies from person to person, but at its core is an understanding that love is a two party system. It’s filled with compromise and trust. There will be times, more times than you care to count, that someone will hurt you, whether intentional or unintentional. Yet displaying your love, through thick and thin, is quite possibly more moving than the sweetest word or the softest kiss.

Being slow to anger is a perfect testament to the respect you hold for your partner. You may have quite a storm raging within, but when you practice and exude a state of clarity you’re reinforcing your commitment in being understanding and patient. 

Forgiveness is another tactic you can implement. Sometimes it may be for something small, like forgetting to take out the trash, and at other times it may be for something huge, like cheating. Whatever it is, if you’re able to muster up forgiveness, or at least a veneer of forgiveness until you’ve had more time to process, your love will be heard at an incredible volume. 

However, loving unconditionally isn’t just based upon actions it’s also your mental state of mind. Equip yourself with the knowledge that there may be times when you want to quit, but it’s important to remember the good times amidst the bad. Don’t let abandonment be an option. Having an accessible way out tends to stifle any sort of real effort. Expectations and standards are necessary, but it’s crucial that these expectations aren’t unattainable. If so, you’re setting YOURSELF up for failure as you will never be satisfied. 

We’re Not Perfect

When I hear of loving unconditionally it sounds to me like it is only attainable for those who are able to love without any faults or hiccups, but loving unconditionally is not synonymous to being a perfect lover. There have been many times where I have been guilty of exploding on my partner or becoming increasingly aggravated at the way the toothbrush is placed in the medicine cabinet. The art behind loving unconditionally is the intentions you set for yourself. No matter how many times you may become irritated you keep pushing through and realize that we’re all human. Loving unconditionally can be found in our sincere attempts to do what makes our partner happy and being quick to admit personal flaws. If we have failures than our person is going to have them too.

So, how can you love unconditionally? Never give up, keep yourself vulnerable, and be honest with yourself and your person. If you’re able to love your partner at their worst that is the ultimate symbol of genuine love. Letting go of their flaws and embracing the big and little things that make them who they are will skyrocket your relationship from a realistic love to one that’s filled with contentment. 

Dear New Running Mom,

Congratulations on your new little bundle of joy! I know those last 40 (give or take) weeks were long and arduous, but completely worth it to have that sweet baby in your arms. But now that junior is finally on the outside world, and you are feeling recovered from the marathon that is childbirth, I’m sure you are itching to go for a run.

If you are like most running moms, you probably have a shiny new jogging stroller just begging to start logging miles. You’ve also likely seen other running moms posting photos on social media of their own new bundles of joy wrapped up in their car seats and strollers, just ready to run. So you too might be wondering how soon until you can take your brand new running partner out for a spin? Because what could possibly be better than sharing your love of running with the little love of your life?

Believe me, I understand. With my second child, I was so excited to hit the streets that my family even threw me a surprise running-themed baby shower.

But before the two (or more!) of you hit the road together for the first time, here are a few things you should know:

1) You might be ready to run, but is baby?

Technically, 6-8 months old is the rule of thumb before putting your baby in a stroller and running with him or her. This is based on the fact that up until this age, babies typically don’t have the head control and neck strength to prevent their little bobble heads from bouncing all around with the bumps and jolts that often accompany riding in a jogging stroller. However, this varies from baby to baby, and other factors such as car seat adaptors and neck support pillows may assist in your decision. So always check with your pediatrician first, to weigh the pros and cons and determine if your baby is ready to run (or ride, as the case may be).

2) Have the right gear.

Do not attempt to run with a traditional four wheel stroller. They were not designed for running, and could become very unsafe very quickly. Instead, make sure you have a jogging stroller designed specifically for running. Read the instructions to make sure you know exactly how to use your stroller, including but not limited to: the hand brake, the safety strap, and the locking front wheel. Never run without the front wheel locked. I know, it’s much easier to turn corners with a swivel wheel, but one pothole or stray rock can quickly and unexpectedly turn that wheel and cause the stroller to flip.

Also, make sure you maintain your stroller and check it frequently for any broken or worn components, low tire pressure, loose screws, or any other possible wear and tear.

3) Stroller running technique is NOT the same.

You are going to feel, and likely be, slower from pushing all of this extra weight in front of you. Don’t let your slower pace bring you down; instead, think of it as resistance training that is only making you stronger and faster! Further, because you have your arms out in front of you holding the stroller, your posture and even quite possibly your running gait might change. Being aware of this factor will help you to actively prevent it. Make sure you hold your core tight and remain tall; avoid leaning on the stroller as much as possible. Switch the arm you use to push the stroller frequently to prevent built up tension in your neck, shoulders and arms.

4) Safety, safety, safety.

I know, as a new mom your likely obsessed with the safety of your baby, so I’m clearly preaching to the choir here. But keep in mind while you are out for your run, your running safety tips and techniques are now multiplied by two. Know where you are going at all times, and make sure your running route is stroller friendly. Check the weather, and keep in mind that while you are hot and sweaty, baby is not only sitting still, but is being subjected to the elements (wind, rain, sun, etc.). Watch your step: that curb or pothole you can easily avoid on your own now has to be navigated over/through/around with a bulky stroller, AND the most precious cargo you could ever imagine.

As a running mom, you are truly setting a wonderful example for your children, showing them the importance of health and fitness, as well as teaching them about the joys and rewards of hard work and dedication. These early days of running with your sweet baby in the stroller will be memories that one day you will truly cherish, as we all know these precious babies grow up way too fast. So make sure you are taking the right steps to get your running relationship together off on the right foot…literally!

And welcome to the running moms club!

Millions of marriages end due to infidelity every year. Once the initial shock wears off there is one big decision that needs to be made. Should the marriage end or can it be saved? There’s no right answer, but there is definitely one that brings more peace of mind.

Jenna came to see me after discovering that her husband of 25 years had been having an affair. She arrived in my office in tears, broken-hearted and in shock over learning that he had been seeing another woman from his office for the past two months.

I’ve seen this early phase of trauma many times, and I know from experience that Jenna will have some even bigger hurdles as she progresses down the road of being an infidelity victim. She is one of many who will be living through the nightmare of an affair, and struggling with the tortuous decision to stay or leave her marriage.

Although researchers find it hard to really know how many marriages are disrupted by infidelity, the number hovers around 20 million. We know that honesty is not in the forefront of a cheaters mind so this number is probably a rough gauge based on the source of actual reports and full disclosure. Even if we consider this to be a pretty good estimate, we can presume that there are millions of people out there either trying to save their marriages from divorce, or to figure out how to save themselves.

The question of whether a marriage can survive an infidelity is not unlike asking about the meaning of love. It’s complicated, nuanced, personal and contextual. In her book “After the Affair”, Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D, says that couple’s can survive infidelity provided that each partner is willing to look honestly at themselves and each other, and that each is able to acquire the skills needed to get through the shattering crisis.

Other authors base the outcome on the injured partner’s willingness to forgive and let go, and also on the level of change the unfaithful partner is capable of. To make things even more confusing we have to consider the depth of betrayal, the willingness to give up the affair, and how truly remorseful the perpetrator feels.

Deciding to stay or go after an affair is by far the hardest decision anyone can make. The only thing slightly harder is being robbed of even having this choice when the cheating partner makes the choice himself or herself.

Pros and Cons

The pros and cons list for this kind of dilemma can end up being a scroll. Some might say that all marriages should be saved, and that the rate of divorce is high because people don’t want to take the time and energy to work through something so difficult.

In my experience most couples would prefer to stay married for religious reasons, the children, the investment they’ve made or the fear of starting over alone. More often than not the betrayed person chooses to remain in marriage because it’s too scary not to.

Staying married means avoiding the draining and destructive process that so often accompanies divorce. Families get to remain in tact, children stay in their home, finances don’t get disrupted, and life ultimately stays the same.

On the con side there’s the issue of being able to forget, let alone forgive. Staying in a marriage after a betrayal means always knowing that a partner cheated, and many people don’t want to live with this kind of worry. Overtime trust can be rebuilt, but the memory remains and the relationship would never be fully the same.

Staying also means that there is an increased risk in it happening again. Once a cheater, always a cheater may not be true in every case, but once that line has been crossed it’s easier to cross it again. Past behavior is the greatest determiner of future behavior so most bets would be on the cheater repeating the same mistake.

Fit or Flop

Leaving a partner after an infidelity is the healthier choice. Mistakes happen, and no one is perfect but the majority of married people make this kind of commitment because they trust that there partner will honor and respect them.

Every story and situation is different but betrayal of this kind is profound and extremely damaging to the heart, mind and soul. Surviving this heartbreak is absolutely possible, but it changes the relationship forever in ways that can never be repaired.

Do you sleep naked? Or would you — in the name of better health, of course? Because as it turns out, stripping down between the sheets is a smart move.
I’m not going to say there’s a right or wrong attire to wear to bed… but there kind of is, ladies. You might notice that sometimes, if you hit the sack in a pair panties or close-fitting bottoms, you wake up with more vaginal discharge than usual.
Your vagina is full of bacteria, primarily yeast. While this is totally normal, when you create the right environment for that yeast to multiply — a long night, a hot day, pool time, gym time, undies in materials that don’t “breathe” — your lady parts will begin to overproduce it. This can be a recipe for problems like for an infection, complete with irritation and soreness. Yuck.
According to a tidbit from Cosmo, sleeping naked is a good idea for this reason, something the fabulous Melissa Goist, MD, a clinical assistant professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Ohio State’s Wexner Medical Center, told me was legit true. You should be “airing it out” on a pretty regular basis for the best vaginal health possible.
“Wearing panties is obviously preferred during the daytime or anytime you have pants on,” she says, of which I totally concur (um, yeah!). “But when you are in private, and can allow the vaginal area to ‘breathe,’ this helps for a healthier environment.”
Or, you know, you can go commando at other times, too. As long as you’re socially acceptable, Goist says you’ll get the same benefits giving your vag a timeout while wearing a loose-fitting skirt or dress that allows for the “no panties” option.
That said… she knows going without undies outside the bedroom won’t thrill a lot of ladies. “Some women have a normal, natural discharge, so this is more anxiety-provoking,” she says. “Thus, evening time is often most preferred.”
Going without underwear at night is the preventative tactic… but what’s the restorative move? If you’re experiencing some mild discomfort after one of those darn 85-degree-day summer runs, wash your vaginal area with a lukewarm water in the bath at night. No detergent, no soap. This simple move can help to cleanse the area — followed up by a nice, long sleep in the buff, of course.
Okay, okay. So, what if you’re just not one to sleep naked? (Ugh.) Don’t fret. I feel you, and it’s fine.
Personally, I’m just not a nude sleeper. Even in privacy, somehow I still feel exposed! But as an alternative, verified healthy and appropriate by Goist, I have a favorite nighty that’s so silky, lightweight, and luxurious that I had to buy two. It’s loose-fitting enough to give my lady parts a breather. And it feels like I’m sleeping naked without stripping all the way down.
So, to all you nude sleepers out there, keep on keepin’ on. For the rest, invest in a nighty you can’t get enough of.

It’s no big deal to stay up a little later at night than normal, we figure we won’t miss the sleep or that we can just go to bed a little earlier the next night and “make it up” but the truth of the matter is that it’s a pretty big deal to our bodies. Adults need at least seven hours of sleep per night, and many need nine or more. Whether it’s a night out partying or you just couldn’t make yourself shut down Facebook that lack of sleep is costing you.

Let’s take a look at a few reasons why keeping that regular bedtime is a good idea.

1. Sleep improves memory and learning.

REM sleep is especially important for learning and memory consolidation; without it you’ll find that your memory becomes impaired and learning suffers. Babies get the highest amount of REM sleep and the amount decreases as we age, but no matter our age, REM sleep is important and necessary. You typically get most of your REM sleep early in the morning, which means that the less sleep you get, the less REM sleep you get and the more likely you are to see decreased memory and ability to learn. If this isn’t a good reason to get to bed early, I don’t know what is.

2. Sleep decreases your risk of cancer and Alzheimer’s disease.

Melatonin is a hormone secreted by the body about two hours before bedtime, and studies have indicated that this hormone may decrease estrogen levels which may not only decrease the risk of certain cancers (including breast cancer) but may also help prevent or reduce endometriosis. Regular secretion of melatonin relies on a regular bedtime making it important to stick to a regular sleep schedule. And, guys don’t think this is just about women. Not getting enough sleep also decreases the number of natural killer cells (the cells that fight off cancer) in your body, which increases your risk for all types of cancer.

Lack of sleep has also recently been linked to Alzheimer’s disease as at best an early warning sign. Because deep sleep is important for memory consolidation and learning it’s possible that a lack of sleep over time may actually cause Alzheimer’s disease.

3. Sleep improves your immune system.

Your immune system needs sleep. It’s no coincidence that when you are sick you sleep more it’s because sleep is your body’s way of healing. Slow wave sleep is necessary for healing and tissue repair, so it makes sense that not getting enough sleep would decrease your immune system and your body’s ability to heal itself. In an interview with Mother Jones, sleep psychologist Matt Walker pointed out that getting just four hours of sleep for one night, impairs your immune system function by about 70 percent. Get some rest!

4. Sleep aids in healing. I’ve already addressed that sleep improves your immune system but that’s not the only way that it helps with healing. Slow wave sleep is important for helping the body rejuvenate and heal. This is delta wave sleep which is most evident early in the evening, but it does continue throughout the night. As we age we get less and less slow wave deep sleep, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t important and the fact that we are getting less of it as we age is a good reason why it’s more important to ensure we get a full night’s sleep every night.

5. Sleep keeps you young and keeps the weight off.

A sleep-debt study of 11 men found that getting four hours of sleep for just six nights impairs the ability to metabolize carbohydrates and messes up endocrine function. The researchers said that these findings were not much different than what you see in general aging, however what it indicates is that not getting enough sleep speeds up the problems you typically see with age.

This impaired ability to metabolize carbs (if you haven’t guessed) doesn’t help your waistline. So, getting a good night’s sleep could definitely help you keep the weight off, or lose it, if that’s your goal.

While one late night probably isn’t too big of a deal, continually staying up too late, or not maintaining a regular bedtime schedule can wreak havoc on your body, leading to everything from anxiety, depression, irritability, impaired concentration to weight gain, and even increased risk of cancer and Alzheimer’s.

Given the trade-off I think sticking to a regular sleep schedule of seven or more hours a night is probably the better choice, don’t you?

References: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8621064 http://www.motherjones.com/environment/2015/01/inquiring-minds-matt-walker

The habit of falling into and staying in a bad relationship beyond the expiration date has become a chronic problem in our culture. Understanding the reasons why you stay beyond what’s good for you will prevent repeating patterns of bad choices.

You would be hard pressed to find someone who has never been in a bad relationship. We’ve all had our share of abusive, toxic and “going nowhere” partnerships that we either look back on with regret or learned from.

Most of what I work on in my psychotherapy practice is helping couples become better in their relational dynamics. I help them heal broken trust, release resentments from the past, and love each other more authentically. I also see a lot of people who are tired of repeating the same mistakes and who are ready to release old patterns that get them into dysfunctional love relationships. What I rarely get the chance to do is help people avoid bad relationships.

It can be really difficult to discern between a truly awful relationship and one that needs work. A bad relationship is one that would be considered toxic, abusive, or otherwise harmful to your overall health and wellbeing. A relationship that is salvageable or that can be improved stands on a strong platform of kindness, trust, respect and some form of love.

It’s not until a partnership has been pummeled to the ground that we begin to realize that there might be a better way. Change most often comes out of deep pain and loss and this is also true when it comes to love. In the end, my work becomes more about sweeping up the ashes of what’s been burned to the ground then adding a new addition to a relational structure that has a good, strong foundation.

I have found that there are a few solid reasons we end up in relationships and even marriages that don’t work for us only to stay in them way too long.

Here are the top five reasons I see most frequently:

Choosing the Wrong Person

We choose a partner for several reasons, but most often it’s because we feel we have found the perfect person. Idealized love is a natural part of romance, but you have to acknowledge the cracks in the mirror to really know if something will work. You need to see beyond the perfection into the dark recesses of your partner’s humanity because that’s ultimately what you’re committing and relating to. Choosing a long-term partner cannot be taken lightly, and it does have to be a choice. Falling into a relationship because it “feels right” or out of desperation only leads to heartbreak and disappointment.

Who you’re drawn to isn’t always the right person.

When you feel a connection with someone it’s usually chemical and familiar. Evolution has designed you to pick a partner that will give you the greatest chance for producing genetically sound offspring. Mother Nature can trick you into falling for someone because they offer protection, strength, virility and health. What she doesn’t wire you for is the common sense to recognize if this person is trustworthy, loyal, honest and kind. This has to be mindfully learned and pursued with consciousness. The truth is that you can only know someone by spending time with them, and traversing some challenging life moments. This is where you’ll get to the true character of your partner so be patient and let them show who they truly are.

Lack of Personal Introspection

When you don’t know yourself intimately you’re at risk for a bad relationship. You have to understand what you need to feel fulfilled and happy so you can properly choose a partner that can meet those needs. Like most people you have probably looked for someone who embodies the qualities you lack in yourself, which leaves you dependent on them for your fulfillment and happiness.

Distorted Intentions

The intention behind finding your right partner is truly important if you want to avoid settling. Fear of never meeting anyone, not wanting to be alone, looking for someone to make you happy, recovering from a bruised ego, or fulfilling other people’s ideals about your partner will land you in something that isn’t right. Some healthy intentions for finding the right relationship are to share a life with someone, to feel a sense of support, or to build a family. Coming from a place of intention as opposed to avoidance will help you seek what you want over what you don’t.

Overlooking Red Flags

Love is definitely blind, but this idiom is more about acceptance than it is denial. When you want something to work you’ll talk yourself out of feelings that would be important to honor. Hoping a person will be different down the road or that they’ll change over time is a sure indication that you’re on the wrong path. Seek the relationship you want right now; not the one you hope to have down the road. 

Relationships often find us more than we choose them so be kind and patient with yourself when you land in something that doesn’t work. Get the right support and gain enough insight to prevent making poor choices in the future.

Sex is pretty important stuff. After all, none of us would be here without it, right? And just about everyone agrees that a little dancing between the sheets is an important ingredient in a happy romantic relationship. Given that, a lot of us would assume that sex more often would make you happier and improve your romantic relationships.
Sounds perfectly logical, but the answer to the question, “Does more sex make you happier—or have any other benefits?” is a resounding “it depends.”
On the “Yes” side, various studies have found a connection between sex and a stronger immune system, lower blood pressure, reduced heart attack risk, improved sleep, lower stress levels, better memory and analytic skills, an increase in brain-cell building, and reduced anxiety and depression.
One study even found that sex could reduce prostate cancer risk. It’s not so much the act of knocking boots, though, but the ejaculations that count–and you can do that all by yourself. Either way, you’ll have to do it a lot. Men who ejaculated 21 times per month had a 20 percent lower risk of developing prostate cancer than those who did so “only” 4 to 7 times per month, according to the study’s lead author, Harvard epidemiologist, Jennifer Rider.
The circumstances of your coital bliss are also important. For example, people with many partners are less happy than those who have fewer (in fact, several studies have concluded that the number of partners needed to maximize happiness is…wait for it…one). People who cheat on their spouse and men who frequent prostitutes are also less happy than those who are able to keep their pants on when they’re away from their main squeeze.

Doing the Numbers

Okay, if sex is good for you, then how much is enough? Tim Wadsworth, a sociologist at the University of Colorado Boulder, has a pretty good idea. Compared to those who didn’t have intercourse at all in the previous year, Wadsworth found that people do so 2 to 3 times per month are 33 percent more likely to report high levels of happiness. Those who do the deed once a week are 44 percent more likely to report high levels of happiness, and those who have sex two or three times per week are 55 percent more likely.
But be careful: the nookie-to-happiness ratio isn’t just a numbers game. Perception and competition also play a role. “There’s an overall increase in sense of well-being that comes with engaging in sex more frequently, but there’s also this relative aspect to it,” Wadsworth said. “Having more sex makes us happy, but thinking that we are having more sex than other people makes us even happier.” For example, if a couple is having intercourse two or three times a month but they think that their neighbors are partaking once a week, the first couple’s “probability of reporting a higher level of happiness falls by about 14 percent,” Wadsworth found.

Which (not who) comes first?

Okay, so there’s a connection between those joint sessions of congress and happiness. But George Loewenstein, an economist at Carnegie Mellon University, wasn’t clear on which one of the two caused the other. Does carnal knowledge make people happier or do happier people have more afternoon (or morning or nighttime) delights? Or is there another variable, such as health or income, that affects both? Loewenstein and his colleagues decided to find out.
They started with 64 volunteer couples (all were legally married, heterosexual, and age 35 to 65) and randomly divided them into two groups. One was asked to double their conjugal frequency, the other didn’t get any instructions. The study lasted for three months and both members of the couples got surveys before, during, and after. The questionnaires asked participants about their about happiness levels, how often they had sex, and how much they enjoyed it.
The couples in the increase-it group did, indeed, boost their sexual encounters. But the results weren’t what Leowenstein and his team were expecting. “Contrary to what one would expect if the causal story running from sexual frequency to happiness were true,” they wrote in their paper, “we observed a weak negative impact of inducing people to have more sex on mood.” In other words, increasing the number of times you have sex may actually decrease your happiness, desire, and enjoyment.
The researchers were quick to point out that the problem wasn’t the increased sex, itself. Instead, it was the fact that the sexual act was a homework assignment instead of something the couples jumped into on their own.
So there you go: more sex doesn’t necessarily make us happier. So stop worrying about quantity, forget about how much action the guys down the street are getting, and start focusing on quality and spontaneity.