Tag: balance

I came into work the other day and the most beautiful sight met my eyes — frosted cupcakes. They were the good kind too. Professionally made from a boutique bakery, a solid two and a half inches of icing, and they were fresh. Huddled around these cake perfections was a group of people, basically drooling. To be honest, it was faintly uncomfortable. I felt like I needed to stuff one in my mouth just to prove they wouldn’t bite.
How many of you know that person at work who constantly talks about their diet, or says the phrase, “oh I really shouldn’t eat this but…” Dude, come on, I KNOW you’re going to eat way worse than that when you get home; don’t try and bamboozle me with these fake “healthy eating” habits. If you want a cupcake, eat the freaking cupcake!
And to be honest, if ONE donut is going to make or break your diet you probably need to reevaluate your eating plan. I promise, you will not turn into a human sized marshmallow with one bite.
As I was leaving the kitchen I heard someone say, “I’ll eat this cereal instead.” This is a fantastic decision – except the amount of Fruit Loops you just poured definitely cancels out anything you were trying to accomplish.
And this leaves us with the four types of eaters you’re bound to encounter at work.
1. The Happy Eater
The happy eater is someone who genuinely enjoys eating right but will splurge every now and then; they have nothing to hide. They’ll come in with their bagel or yogurt parfait. Will help themselves to birthday cake in the break room, but only if they want it. They may even want it, but decide against it because they’re going out later for happy hour. But they DON’T feel the need to announce their decision to everyone in a 12 foot radius.
2. The Pseudo-Healthy Eater
This person brags for days about how they’re vegan, only eat kale, and insist on having their water filtered three times followed by a natural blackberry infusion…
So what you’re telling me is you’re a vegan, but got McDonald’s last weekend when you were hungover… riiiight. Pseudo-healthy eaters find superiority in critiquing others’ food choices, and will make sure that their disapproval is sent with just the right amount of shade.
3. The Eater Who Needs Validation
Essentially, this type of snacker comprises the majority of the people we all work with. A typical conversation will go something like this:
“Oh wow, look at those brownies. They look so good. Ohh, I really shouldn’t eat them, but just one can’t hurt…right?”
“Oh you’re fine, just take one it’s not going to kill you.”
*Two hours later* 
“I’m just so hungry, do you think one more would be bad? I mean I’ll just go to the gym and workout longer to make up for it.”
These conversations are boring and tedious and should be curbed, like your appetite.
4. The Person Who Gives No F%*@s
Finally, we have the individual who couldn’t care less; they’re basically poisoning their body before your eyes. They’re fine eating Twinkies three times a day, will most likely eat a rather unhealthy amount of pizza, and leave your lunchroom smelling like tuna.
Between these four stereotypical snackers, company provided lunches are a living nightmare. People start self-validating themselves before they’ve even finished reading their email. Is it really that difficult to just eat something and move on???
Next time someone brings in cupcakes, I dare you to eat one. No not just one, how about five? Eat five and then go back to your desk and act like nothing happened. Chances are you’ll be the most talked about person of the day!

My fatigued eyes burn as I stare into the bright screen, which is balanced on my lap. I quickly open five different browsers and begin the arduous task of working from home with a newborn, five days after delivery. I wince as I shift from side to side, grimacing when I realize that I forgot to take my medicine an hour ago.
I’m sure most of you have either gone through this same situation or known of someone who has. It’s pretty typical considering only 12% of Americans have access to paid parental leave. Parental leave is not considered a right as it is in most countries.
When I became pregnant and informed my employer, my heart sunk at his reaction. Instead of congratulatory remarks, the conversation immediately shifted to my workload and how he’d have to find a replacement once I left. Mind you, I never once mentioned quitting my job and had to fight to keep my position throughout my pregnancy.
Although discrimination isn’t allowed in a workplace, there are certain exceptions to the rule. An employer can fire an employee for taking time off after giving birth if it will negatively affect his or her workplace. This loophole applies to private and small companies, which unfortunately describes where I worked.
My two options were to enjoy an indefinite unpaid maternity leave, which would give me ample time to bond with my baby, or to begin work immediately once my child was old enough for daycare. And yes, indefinite unpaid maternity leave, as fancy as it sounds, is code for – UNEMPLOYMENT.

Is Maternity Leave Necessary?

Some institutions want us to believe that maternity leave isn’t necessary, but let’s take a closer look at some of the negative effects when maternity leave is not readily available.
– Mothers returning to the workforce ten days after labor and delivery is both physically harmful and mentally taxing. Physicians have strongly advised women to be off their feet the first six weeks post-delivery, and that’s if they had a vaginal delivery without complications.
The first three weeks you’re not supposed to lift anything heavier than ten pounds, but some women are expected to be lifting 25 pounds when they return to their job only days after delivery.
– Hormones are also in flux post-partum, with 9-16% of women suffering from postpartum depression. As a mother, my emotions went from happy to overwhelmed in a matter of seconds. The stress of going back to work so early only makes these feelings worse.
-Breast milk supply drops when you return to the workforce. Although scientifically speaking, working doesn’t reduce your supply, the environment plays a negative toll. Many offices do not have a nursing station, so females are forced to sit in bathrooms and pump. Expressing milk in this form eventually will lower supply, as you’re not able to extract the same amount your baby ordinarily would.
Breastfeeding is the best way to provide your newborn with nutrients. 77% of women start off breastfeeding but by the six-month mark, the percentage has dropped to 36%. This is largely attributed to the difficulties women encounter when they re-enter the workforce.
-The emotional bond mothers create during those first weeks after birth are indescribable. Your child is completely dependent on you. All they’ve known is the warmth and confined space you provided them when they were in utero. To completely remove this experience is a tragedy at best.
So let’s see, what have we learned so far? It’s CLEARLY more important to have a fresh mother come back to the office just days after giving birth. Just think how much work she’s going to accomplish in between pumping every two hours, managing her pain, and pushing through separation anxiety from her newborn.
I was fortunate enough to work from home the first few months, but the income I was accruing was more than half what it normally would’ve been.

But I Thought America Was Progressive

In many ways, the United States is extremely progressive. However, the ease of family planning isn’t one of them.
Did you know that there are only three countries in the modern world that do not have guaranteed maternity leave?
Papau New Guinea, Oman, and the U.S.
In 1993, the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA ) was signed into effect. It allows mothers to take up to three months of unpaid time off after they have a baby and they will be guaranteed that their job will still be waiting for them. However, FMLA covers only about 59% of U.S. workers. The caveat is the employee must have worked 1,250 hours in order to be eligible and their company has to have at least 50 employees.
Only 12% of families have access to paid leave. Research has indicated that 43% of women who don’t receive paid maternity leave are more likely to drop out of the workforce completely.
Although FMLA ensures that women will not lose their jobs while they spend time with their newborn, it does not assist them in receiving income while they’re off. For many families, the option for FMLA is a moot point since they can’t survive on one person’s salary. Some companies offer short-term disability, but the arduous paperwork creates unforeseen roadblocks.
Adding an additional family member is supposed to be a celebrated, monumental event. However, for a large number of families this excitement is tainted by the anxiety of making ends meet while the mother recovers postpartum. The physical and emotional benefits the mother and child receive while spending the first 12 weeks together is priceless, but even if this isn’t a possibility you can still make the most of your time while you’re at home and with the newest addition.

Stress Management

Unfortunately there are no legal solutions in the foreseeable future, and to be honest there is not much you can do to relieve the physical discomfort you may endure when returning to the workforce too early, but there are many ways that you can make the transition easier from an emotional standpoint.
Set an intention – Going into the workforce with a positive attitude can surprisingly do wonders for your mental health. Knowing that you are working to provide for the wellbeing of your child is incredibly gratifying. Mothers and fathers will do amazing things to ensure that their young receive the best, and you will be no different.
Investigate daycares – As soon as that pregnancy test turns positive start calling up your local daycares. There are multiple websites that can be a great resource as well. Once you put your name on a waiting list, and price out the daycares to find the most affordable option, you can take let out another sigh of relief.  Eliminating the uncertainty for childcare will make your transition that much easier. Some mothers even start their own in-home daycare. This enables them to earn a small income while absolving childcare costs.
Find some rest – Although this may seem impossible when you have a little one, try and get some rest. Share the house load with your partner and try and take naps to recharge for your upcoming day. When your body is depleted of sleep things become harder for you physically and emotionally, and I think it’s pretty evident how much a positive attitude will assist you.
The more we raise our voices and petition for change, the greater the chances are for a serious dialogue to take place. Unpaid maternity leave, or no maternity leave at all, is a travesty. However with thousands of women across the country going through the same journey, we can learn to rely on one another for support and hopefully our comradery will provide an united front for future change.

Just before you couple up, or as soon as your relationship reaches a new level of depth, you’re probably thinking the same thing your partner is thinking… Is this really going to last? Let’s face it. Energy is finite, and no one’s gonna bank on a relationship that’s trajectory is akin to a roller coaster at Six Flags.

Whether you’re trying to improve the quality of your relationship, or just start out on the right foot, you can change the game by focusing on how you relate to your significant other. I asked three marital therapists exactly what they look for when determining if a pair is going to survive the tough times. (Get these right, and you’ll probably go the distance.) Here’s what they notice among the strongest couples.

Do they make time for each other?

A relationship isn’t going anywhere without quality time, says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D, psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. “Lasting couples make time for intimacy, so regard your face-to-face time as sacred,” she says.

Ah, intimacy… do we actually know what that means, though? “Intimacy is the art of making your partner feel understood and accepted,” she says. “When this feeling is created, barriers fall. Gentle touch, eye contact, a sense of humor and the right words all create the atmosphere.” Reconnect by going the extra mile to listen and understand your partner’s needs and wants — and cuddle up and touch as often as possible, says Tessina. (Can do, right?)

Do they let the little things go?

Small tiffs can be as harmful to a relationship is those big, blowout arguments where lines are drawn — and more confusing if they accumulate over time. “A very good sign when both partners can let go of small things,” Juliana Neiman, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in New York City. “When they accept they are different from each other, and they have different wants, needs and personality traits.”

Neiman says she looks for couples who embrace their differences and quirks, and are genuinely accepting that they can still have a good life together — even if their spouse is always running late or is a liiiittle bit forgetful. “It is a good sign when partners take care of each other, support each other, have fun together, make each other laugh and surprise each other with small gestures of love, romance and mutual care,” Neiman says. So, in essence: let the negative little things go, bolstering your relationship with positive little things.

Are they a team?

Lasting marriages are the result of two people becoming a united front. “The most powerful thing a couple can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed,” says Tessina. They’re on the same page, they talk through issues instead of running from them, and they fight fair.

Tessina says this foundation is built through connection — shared time, continued communication, and considering your S.O.’s side. “If you really want to restore the marriage, begin not by complaining, but by seeking to understand your partner,” she explains. “Once the connection is there, you can begin to work out the issues.”

Can they forgive each other?

Long-lasting couples don’t hold a grudges. That means, if he stays out late with the guys and doesn’t tell you beforehand, you approach the subject directly at the next opportunity — not getting passive-aggressive about it the next day. “Successful couples know how to talk about what’s bothering them in a rational way,” says Tessina. “Ask clearly for what you want, and let your partner know why it’s important to you. If you can’t find a way to agree, go for a counseling session. Resentment will destroy your marriage.”

Think about it. If you’re still mad about something unspoken that he did a month ago, and get increasingly passive-aggressive about it, he’s never going to know. Speak up, hash it out, and move on.

Do they show appreciation?

When’s the last time you told your spouse thank you? Lots of couples falter due to a lack of gratitude in their relationship. “Lasting couples show their appreciation — so let your partner know you appreciate what he or she does, their personality traits like sense of humor or hard work, and companionship,” Tessina says. “The more you praise what you like, the more you’ll get of it.  We all want to be appreciated.”

No one wants to feel taken for granted, and everyone loves getting snaps for their successes. Here’s the formula, folks: celebration + appreciation = motivation.

Do they both value a long-term commitment?

Marriage isn’t all romance. At the end of the day, it’s a conscious decision to stay the course, even through trying times. “Every single time I meet a couple who has been together for 20 years or more, I always ask what they think has kept them going,” says Jodie Voth, a marriage and family therapist in private practice in Manitoba, Canada. “So far, every answer I’ve gotten has been some version of, ‘Because we decided that we’re committed.'”

Voth says, because they’ve decided to remove the exit door from their marriage, it changes the way these men and women behave in their relationships, so it’s an important question to ask before you get hitched. “A forever commitment doesn’t fit within everyone’s value system, and that’s okay — but be honest with yourself and your partner,” she says.

Do they fight fair?

Super-awesome, lasting couples don’t take opportunities to bring their partners down — even if those opportunities present themselves during a rift, and no matter how upset or angry they feel. “It is never a good sign when both partners show a lot of contempt towards each other, demonstrating not only anger, but dismissiveness and a complete lack concern for each other,” says Neiman, who cringes when couples utter phrases like, ‘How can I even talk to him?’ or “I should have never married her!’ (…but I’m sure you’ve never said that.)

Making your partner feel worthless is not a recipe for a healthy, happy relationship; listening closely, refraining from cutting remarks and calmly talking about faults and problems is.

Do they accept responsibility for their parts?

You gotta own your piece, because, more often than not, there are two guilty parties when problems arise. “When both partners blame and criticize each other constantly, and they attribute all their problems to each other, they are not able or willing to look at themselves in order to become more aware of their own negative contributions to their difficulties,” says Neiman.

Common examples of the blame game are, ‘Of course this is all his fault!’ and ‘Let me tell you what she has done in the last few years…’ But couples who are strong and steady? “They are very willing to look at themselves and in a very honest way, understand what their own negative contributions to the relationship are, and they are willing to try some changes,” Neiman says. As the saying goes, relationships are all about compromise.

Do they respect each other?

In healthy couples, there’s a serious lack of one-sidedness. Each spouse is engaged in the thoughts and opinions of their counterpart — in good times and bad. “It is a very good sign when partners are genuinely interested to listen and hear each other,” says Neiman. “To know what they each need, what they are unhappy and unsatisfied with, and again, they are both willing to seriously try and challenge themselves to make changes.”

When Neiman asks partners to share what they think their partners need and want — and they seem to know their partner well — she senses the respect. “It’s a strong foundation, and this relationship has a good chance to fix, repair, tolerate crisis and move on into an even stronger, loving relationship.”

Do they agree about the future?

If one spouse sees a white picket fence, while
their partner is dreaming of grad school or European getaways, those differing views of the future don’t bode well for a smooth marriage. “For those who are young and don’t have kids yet, do they agree on whether or not they’ll have a family? This is a big one,” Voth says. “If they’ve been able to have this conversation, it tells me two things: they’ve each asked and answered for themselves an important question, and they’ve been able to have a challenging conversation that is often avoided.”

Whether you’re married or not, issues like these need to be sorted out stat — because it’s impossible to compromise on some things. “There’s no such thing as having half a baby,” says Voth. So, work on hashing out these biggies before you walk down the aisle, or see a counselor if you’re already wed and need help deciding how to move forward in your relationship.

Are they truly friends?

The spark only sizzles for a few years, tops, before that searing blaze starts to dwindle — which is why it’s essential to make sure your spouse is your best bud, too. “Romance and lust will only go so far, so after that, couples need to have shared interests, and enjoy being together,” explains Voth. “If a couple does a lot of activities together — even the day-to-day stuff like grocery shopping — it’s a good sign they’ll have something to carry them through when times get challenging.”

So, join a book club or cooking class, laugh at trashy TV together, and remember that relationships aren’t all work. Sometimes, happy relationships are basically just geeking out about the new Star Wars movie together. (Which is pretty sweet, in my opinion.)

One of the biggest hurdles for me after having becoming a mom was to find time for my own workouts. Gone are the days of spending 2 hours at the gym followed by a nice long hot shower. These days I am lucky if I get to take a shower at all!

My time is no longer about me, so I started to believe if I couldn’t go to the gym for an hour, then I would just scrap it all and do nothing. (sound familiar?)

It took some time, but once I let go of that ‘all or nothing’ mindset, I started to give myself a little grace. I have since adopted the mindset of doing the best that I can, with the time I have available.

If I take my kids to the park, I do some pull ups on the monkey bars and do squats and lunges in between pushing them on the swings. I use the park bench for dips and step ups. I chase them up and down the hills for cardio. It is not my ideal workout, but it is definitely better than nothing!

Bodyweight exercises such as squats and push ups can be done anywhere. Waiting on the water to boil? Throw in a set of squats. Kids taking a bath in the bathtub? Use that time to work on your push ups! My kids love to count for me or tell me when I’m not going down far enough. (seriously?!) Wall sits are an excellent way to build leg strength and my kids love to do it with, or on, me!

Since becoming a mom, I have learned to adapt and let go of “perfection”.

I cringe when my friends tell me “I don’t have time” especially when they have time to tell me all about the latest on their favorite TV show. If you have time to watch TV or check Facebook every night, then you can certainly find short windows of time in your day to blast out some exercise!

I like to come up with short, yet intense, workouts that can be done in 15 minutes. Grab a kettlebell and do 20 rounds of kettlebell swings–30 seconds of work, followed by 20 seconds of rest. That is about 250 swings in a short amount of time. Not too shabby for a quick workout, huh?

No worries if you don’t have any equipment, use can use the stairs as your workout! Set up a timer to beep every minute as you run up and down your staircase. When the timer beeps, stop and do 10 air squats. Do this for 15­-20 minutes without stopping and your legs will be on fire! If you sit at a desk all day long, schedule in short breaks for you to walk laps around the building. If possible, sneak in some squats or lunges in the office.

Anything that keeps your body moving and blood flowing is a good thing.

Finding time for fitness when you are a busy parent isn’t easy, but it CAN be done. So let’s lose the “busy” excuse and find the time to get creative, get moving and get results!

I always dread trying a new fitness class. Personally, I tend to avoid the unknown and trying new things – especially things I don’t expect to be good at.
I’ll never forget the first time I tried yoga. It was a bit of a mystery to me because it has always been something I avoided like the plague. I like doing things I’m strong in, and flexibility is not one of those things.
I’m also very energetic and don’t sit still well either, so the thought of being still and quiet was a terrifying. Ironically, the things we need most are typically the things we avoid. I knew I needed yoga, but I had put it off for so many years.  Finally, it was time to take the plunge and try yoga for the very first time.
If this sounds familiar, here are a few little things I learned that might help you get through your first class gracefully.

1. I came prepared.

If you are a nervous Nelly like me, do yourself a favor and call the place ahead of time to find out what you will need. I knew I needed a yoga mat. Even though most places have extras, I wanted to put my own feet on my own personal mat, plus it made me feel like a real yogi. I picked up a cute pink mat at a local discount department store for really cheap, and I fit right in.
My yoga instructor suggested I bring water and a gym towel to wipe up sweat. I had no idea I would even sweat in class, but low and behold, I sweat like a pig and was sure grateful I had that towel – and water bottle!
Then, there is wearing the right clothes. I wanted to blend in and look the part, but I didn’t realize just how important wearing the right clothes was. There is a reason people wear fitted clothing that moves with your body without restricting movement. Luckily, I chose wisely, but I did see some other people around me fighting their clothes the entire time.
Lastly, most instructors will suggest you eat prior to class. However, you should allow approximately two and a half hours for food to fully digest. Reaching for your toes can be challenging enough without having a belly full of food in the way.

2. I left my pride at the door.

As I said, I HATE doing things I am not good at, and I put unnecessary pressure on myself to perform well. But, everyone has to start at the beginning – and everyone in class had their first day too. As soon I embraced this thought, I could relax and be okay with being the newbie in the room.
I didn’t expect to be able to do every pose. I modified poses when necessary and, believe it or not, no one thought any less of me. While my pride wanted to rock the class, I had to accept that I wasn’t going to be a professional yogi overnight.

3. I avoided every unnecessary embarrassing moment possible.

I HATE being called out in a group. I want to be under the radar, so I did everything possible to stay on the down-low.  I showed up early and I was committed to staying to the end of class. Most studios recommend you come fifteen minutes early to complete any necessary paperwork. But, more importantly, I wanted to be early enough to find a comfortable spot in class – like finding a dark corner in the back of the class to hide in!
Luckily, I remembered to turn my phone off. I can imagine the embarrassment if my phone had gone off in class. That is definitely not a way to make yogi friends.

4. I did a quick body check.

I knew my little piggies would also be making a guest appearance, so I did a quick pedi. I doubt anyone really cared or noticed, but it sure made me feel more comfortable.
I showered and shaved before class too. The last thing I wanted to worry about is body odor or hairy legs. However, one thing I didn’t think about was lotion. I slathered my lotion on like normal, but that ended up being a very bad idea. My yoga mat turned into a slip and slide within the first ten minutes of class!
Although you don’t have to be prepared to have a good first yoga class, I hope you can learn from my experience (and my mistakes) to make your first class a total success.