Tag: balance

Though friendship is a necessary part of a healthy life, it’s not always easy to come by once you hit adulthood. Whether your focus is merely gaining social media followers or you’re looking for ways to cultivate substantial relationships in real life, making new friends is far from easy.
Now, a variety of sites have popped up to give you an easy solution to finding friends: buy them!

It turns out that a high social standing could be worth the money spent on rented friendships.

Companies like RentAFriend.com and BridesmaidForHire.com are now monetizing friendship. Whether you’re visiting a new town and would like to hire a local to show you around or you’re attending a local concert and don’t want to go alone, these rental friend sites can hook you up with a perfectly good mate—for a price.

Though this sounds like a simple solution, the idea of “buying” friends feels, for lack of a better word, icky. Our best friends are people who have helped us through hard times, celebrated our good times, and have stayed loyal through it all. How could you get any of that from a paid stranger? And why might someone want a stranger to pose as a friend for an event as personal as a wedding?
It turns out that a high social standing could be worth the money spent on rented friendships. A study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that participants with a high social status behaved more charitably, performed well, and physiologically responded better to stress than their low social status peers. Not only did the feeling of a higher social status engender better behavior, but the perceived low status made those participants exhibit many negative symptoms.
The study stated: “While higher-status roles engender more salutary outcomes, more harmful outcomes may ensue for lower-status roles including negative perceptions, maladaptive physiological reactivity to stress, poorer performance, and less pro-social behavior.”

So, if buying friends makes you feel like you have a high social status, it may actually bring about positive behaviors that could bring you more success—and real friends—in the future.
We’ll explore whether or not these rented friendships really raise your social status and find the reasons why purchased friends could someday become the norm.

From A/S/L to FWSB

Though old-school social media sites fostered the first form of online friendships (chatrooms anyone?), now social media plays a major role in business and pleasure alike. Here’s how we went from “A/S/L?” to “friends with (social) benefits.”

When It Doesn’t Work…

Since the days of old-school social media sites like MySpace and LiveJournal, companies have been offering ways for users to buy friends and followers. Now, as social media plays a huge role in most people’s lives—and livelihoods—these companies are busier than ever.

Why buy social media followers in the first place? Most people don’t do it just to look popular, but instead to increase visibility for their brand or businesses.
But some experts think these purchased friends are a waste of cash.

The perceived social acceptance doesn’t do much to actually support a growing business or brand.

The Washington Post warned against the practice of seeking “empty clout.” “You’ll end up with a high number of likes on your page, but they’ll be from people who don’t actually like you,” they reported. The inflated audience isn’t necessarily one interested in your brand, so the high number of followers won’t lead to a high engagement or a high number of sales. In this case, the perceived social acceptance doesn’t do much to actually support a growing business or brand.

On Twitter, fake followers are just as bad. Adweek adamantly advises against buying followers, saying that the practice makes you or your business look deceptive and potentially fraudulent. Yes, an inflated audience may draw attention at first, but as soon as any potential real follower sees your list is full of bots and fake accounts, all that clout goes out the window. Buying followers on Twitter is a shortcut to perceived importance, but it won’t really increase your online social standing.

…And When It Does

On the other hand, buying Instagram followers might not be such a bad idea. Unlike other areas of social media, Instagram accounts with lots of followers can be selected as influencers—a relatively new term for people who can obtain lucrative endorsements from big brands and corporations just by sharing some carefully hashtagged posts.

It has to be done right, though. For instance, Refinery29 doesn’t recommend buying thousands of followers overnight. That would lead to the same “empty clout” that The Washington Post described. But, buying a few extra followers can give you a boost that leads to attracting a large audience of your own. If you buy 100 t0 500 followers, Instagram won’t flag your account as spam and those new followers could easily get you more likes.

Buying followers could lead to great Instagram success.

But here’s the tricky part. To get the big time brand deals on Instagram, you can’t just have a bunch of followers; you need a consistent amount of likes on your posts. So, if your content goes over well with your purchased audience, you’ll have great visibility and could potentially attract endorsements. If your new friends don’t take a liking to your work, no big deal—just buy likes!
Yes, on Instagram you can buy 10,000 likes for about $70. You can even get 500 comments for around $130 if you really want to enhance your account. Likes and comments get attention, but it would be incredibly costly to buy that kind of audience engagement for every post.

Unlike other forms of social media, Instagram allows you to buy every part of friendship: followers, likes, and comments. That creates a full impression of a high social standing and an engagement with your audience. Though that audience might be mostly fake, it can create a perception of success that could actually get you more followers and brand attention. So, buying followers could lead to great Instagram success.
Would you feel good about buying your way to the top? In the end, that’s the question you need to answer before buying 10,000 likes a day.

Got to Be Real (Life)

There are some ethical questions and physical risks posed when you buy online friends. But what about when people try to buy relationships in real life?

I know you weren’t really his friend, but if you weren’t before, then you’re our friend now.

There are lots of ways money can get you “friends,” but is it really worth it?

Rent a Friend

RentAFriend.com (and Rent A Local Friend) lets you rent a friend for whatever you like. It’s made clear it is not for dating, relationships, or escorts, just purely platonic friendship. After paying about $25 for a membership fee, you can select a friend for anywhere from $10-$55 an hour, then go do, well, whatever you want. Also, people can sign up as friends and make some side money meeting new people.

What is it like to rent a friend? News Australia spoke to Vicky, a 32-year-old woman who rented herself out as a friend many times. Most of the time, the companion just wanted another person around. They weren’t looking for a deep connection or an ongoing friendship. “I’m just this … thing, this person, that’s there for reassurance,” Vicky said.
Most of her clients were male and her experiences ranged from accompanying a fashion blogger to a pool party to getting a marriage proposal. Yes, even though the sites are not meant for dating, a client once took her to pizza and asked if she’d marry him so he could stay in the country. Vicky said no. Another guy once asked to buy her underwear. Vicky said no to that too.
Vicky enjoyed being a friend and though it was often odd (the underwear moment in particular), she felt it was a fun way to earn a little extra money and relieve somebody’s loneliness.

Most of the time, clients just needed a person to talk to. Maybe renting a friend isn’t all that different from paying for a therapy session. If you just need a short-term companion for a specific event, hiring someone to tag along may have similar, though short term results.
In all of Vicky’s time as rental friend, she never made a real connection with any of her clients and was never hired more than once. So, they may have felt better going out with her for one day, but they’d still have to rent a friend the next time loneliness hit.

Rent a Bridesmaid

People often underestimate how much work goes into being a bridesmaid or, worse yet, a maid of honor. Instead of forcing friends to buy expensive dresses they’ll never wear again, some brides have opted to use a site like Bridesmaid for Hire.

For a small fee, you get a bridesmaid who will spend all her time focused on the bride, plan the bachelorette party, and not complain about the dress.

They weren’t overly fussed about everything the way that a best friend would normally be.

This idea seems incredibly counterintuitive. Most brides want their closest friends and family to be their bridal party. Who would opt for a complete stranger to take the role?
Michele Velazquez, wedding planner and owner of Pop The Knot, once dealt with rented bridesmaids. In that situation, the bride and groom had their wedding in New York City. The groom had friends and family there, but the bride’s friends lived a little farther away in Australia. So, instead of asking her friends to fly across an ocean to attend her wedding, she rented two bridesmaids.
For Ms. Velazquez, the situation was ideal. She said, “I loved working with the girls because since they did not know the bride, they weren’t overly fussed about everything the way that a best friend would normally be. They simply listened to the instructions and executed. I thought it was great.”
The bride was just as happy with the service and it suited her small wedding well. She avoided all the drama and hurt feelings that often come with traditional bridesmaids and instead had a perfectly easy day. For a faraway wedding, rented bridesmaids could be a much simpler option.

For a non-destination wedding, renting a bridesmaid does cut out some headaches, but could bring on others. Friends could feel hurt or betrayed by the bride choosing to buy a friend rather than use her lifelong buddies. Also, your bought bridesmaids will be polite and functional, but they’ll never be as emotionally invested in the event as a close friend.
All in all, rented bridesmaids definitely have a place in the world of weddings, but they’ll always lack the emotional depth of a real friend.
Rent A Groomsman
Remember The Wedding Ringer? Probably not. But, it was a movie about an awkward guy renting a best man and all the hilarity and emotion that ensued. Turns out that’s not just a Hollywood premise, but a real service that Hire A Best Man has to offer.

Ewan Jones, founder of the site, goes around the world organizing bachelor parties and performing epic best man speeches for people he doesn’t really know. In The Telegraph, he said that his customers range from stereotypical nerds (like the Comic Con–themed wedding that had him dressed up as Batman to do his duties) to men who’ve moved abroad and didn’t yet have friends in the country.
Ideally, no one knows that Jones isn’t an actual friend of the groom. He writes up a loose backstory explaining his friendship with the groom so people won’t guess he’s a man for hire. The family just sees a well-dressed man giving a lovely speech and keeping the event moving. This could give the groom a higher social standing in the eyes of his in-laws and other friends.

But as in the case of purchased online friendships, if the ruse is uncovered, it all results in more “empty clout.”
But Jones insists his work only helps lonely grooms. Jones was only found out once—by the bride of all people—who said to him “I know you weren’t really his friend, but if you weren’t before, then you’re our friend now.”

Rent a Mourner

Even from the grave, people seek social acceptance.
In 2013, HuffPost reported on Rent A Mourner, a site that lets you fill out a funeral with some fake friends. The mourners are briefed on the deceased life and will act appropriately sad during the funeral.
This is especially interesting because it shows people are still worried about social standing even in death. This is purely about perceived friendship. The deceased can’t feel better about having the support of a larger social circle at their funeral—they’re dead.

But the family could still be affected by the social standing of their loved one, so some would rather pay strangers to cry than suffer the embarrassment of an empty funeral.
In a way, this proves that perceived social standing is close to or just as important as actual friendship and connection.

Is it worth it?

Buying friends online and in real life does seem to have some positive effects. It can give you an easy wedding, attract brand attention, and ease loneliness in the short term. But do those effects last?
Dr. Wyatt Fisher, clinical psychologist and creator of niche dating site ChristianCrush.com, says that if a person feels they are being judged for their lack of friends, their self-esteem will fall. So, even if they’re simply perceived as having more friends, it can boost self-esteem in the short term. But renting a friend isn’t a long-term answer.
“While this may help buffer their self-esteem with how they think others view them, it won’t fill the hole in their soul of needing real, authentic relationships in their life,” Fisher says.
In the end, money can get you ahead, but it still can’t get you everything you need. And though technology has come a long way, nothing can replace the love and support of a deep, authentic friendship.

While October’s arrival gets most people thinking about cooler temperatures, pumpkin picking, and potential Halloween costumes, the month is also synonymous with another thing—breast cancer awareness. It’s a devastating disease that we’ve yet to find a cure for and, unfortunately, it’s estimated that it will impact 1 in every 8 American women at some point in their lives. There’s still hope for a cure, though, and you can help make a difference today.

Through the Breast Cancer Research Foundation’s Shop Pink campaign and others like it, you can help fund and support research initiatives that get us closer to a world that’s free from breast cancer. Shop pink and help save lives this October with picks that allow you to help fund the fight against breast cancer.

Special Delivery

Teleflora Pink Grace Bouquet

Whether you had plans to send out a beautiful bouquet of flowers or just decided to surprise that special lady in your life, why not send an arrangement that’s a gift for both her and others? When you send this Pink Grace bouquet from Teleflora, 15 percent of the purchase price will be donated to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation.

The arrangement features a mix of roses, spray roses, and alstroemerias, all in various shades of pink, and it even comes in a gorgeous pink vase that can be used as a candle holder afterward. She’ll be thrilled at your thoughtfulness, not only because of the gift she’s receiving, but because of the support it provides for others suffering from breast cancer.

Get one on Teleflora here.

Makeup and Skincare

Clinique Moisturizer

Clinique has long been a women’s skincare staple and now something you use every day can make a significant change in the everyday lives of women with breast cancer.

In support of breast cancer research and awareness, $10 from each purchase of the Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion+ will go to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation. Each moisturizer will also come with a special breast cancer research keychain that’s available until January 31, 2018, or while supplies last.

Get your Clinique Moisturizing Lotion from Sephora here.

Stila Cosmetics Living Beauty Collection

In 2010, Sarah Lucero, Stila Cosmetics’ Global Executive Director of Creative Artistry, was diagnosed with stage 3 ductal breast cancer. During her journey, she started the Foundation for Living Beauty, which wound up providing the support, education, and uplifting energy she needed to get through what was likely the most trying time in her life. Lucero has now been cancer-free for six years and the Foundation for Living Beauty is still going strong.

In partnership with the foundation, Stila will have select cosmetics available for 40 percent off starting October 16, 2017. From liquid lipsticks to mascara, and more, you can pick up these cosmetics through the end of October—many in a range of pink shades, of course. Even better? All of the proceeds from this special sale will be donated to the Foundation for Living Beauty.

Shop the Living Beauty Collection from Stila Cosmetics here.

Activewear and Accessories

Athleta Bras

Adopting a more active lifestyle is one of the best ways to reduce breast cancer recurrence, and sportswear company Athleta wants to make it easier for women who’ve had breast cancer to incorporate fitness into their lives. They’ve partnered with the women of Recovery on Water (ROW) an organization and rowing team that supports women who have or had breast cancer to “become active in their recovery.”

The Power of She bra is a limited-edition, hot pink bra that’s sure to become a new favorite for any sweat session. Even better? 12 percent of the profits from its sales will be donated directly to ROW.

For women who’ve been diagnosed with breast cancer and undergone a mastectomy, Athleta has also designed the Empower Bra to support them in an active recovery. The bra features a special mesh opening that can hold post-surgery prosthetics in place comfortably. Like the Power of She bra, 12 percent of profits from the sale of this bra will also be donated to ROW.

Shop Athleta Bras for a great cause on Athleta here.

GAP | Breast Cancer Research Foundation

Your girls might need a little extra support while exercising, and this purchase is one that’ll also help support breast cancer research in the process.

Through the end of October or while supplies last, purchase this cute and strappy sports bra in the U.S. or Canada and 15 percent of the purchase price will be donated to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation. Its smooth, breathable fabric will keep you comfortable and sweat-free during your workout, and the pop of hot pink will help remind you of the role your purchase played in fighting breast cancer.

Shop GAP’s selection of donation eligible products here.

S’well Bottle

Looking to stay hydrated in style, and maybe support a good cause while you’re at it? You’re in luck because S’well has committed to making a donation when you purchase their Bikini Pink S’well Bottle.

Not only is the satin-finish, hot pink water bottle quite the statement maker, but it was specifically designed to support women with breast cancer. For each bottle sold, the company will donate 20 percent of the proceeds to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation to aid in its mission of treating and curing breast cancer.

If you’re in the mood to really splurge for a good cause, check out the Limited-Edition Swarovski Brilliance Jolie, which is encrusted with over 6,000 pink Swarovski crystals. 100 percent of the net profits of this limited-edition bottle will be donated to support the Breast Cancer Research Foundation’s mission.

Shop S’well for a cause here.

New Balance Lace Up for the Cure

Whether you’re a breast cancer survivor or just want to show your support for the cause in style, the New Balance Lace Up for the Cure Collection offers plenty of products that come with a donation for breast cancer treatment and research.

Wear your support for breast cancer research right on your sleeve—or legs, or feet—with this cute collection of jackets, tank tops, shoes, and more. Through the end of 2017, New Balance will donate 5 percent of the purchase price from each product in the collection to Susan G. Komen, with a guaranteed donation of at least $500,000.

Shop New Balance’s Lace Up for the Cure Collection here.

Mizuno | BCRF

Activewear and sporting brand Mizuno has partnered with the Breast Cancer Research Foundation and Fleet Feet Sports to create the Project Zero campaign.

During the month of October, any purchase of the special edition Mizuno Wave Rider 21 sneakers will generate a donation of $10 to the foundation. There are also two limited-edition t-shirts offered as part of the collection, one for men and one for women, that will generate a $5 donation to the foundation with each shirt sold.

Clothing and Accessories

Lands’ End Program

At Lands’ End, shopping to support breast cancer research is easier than ever because they’re giving customers three different ways to do it.

If you’re shopping in stores, Lands’ End will donate 10 percent of net proceeds from special items to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation—just look for merchandise with a pink ribbon.

You can also share a photo of yourself wearing these special pink items on social media with #PinkThread or #MyLandsEnd and for each photo shared, the company will donate $1 to the foundation.

Shop from their Pink Thread Collection and 25 percent of the net proceeds from your purchase will go to support the Breast Cancer Research Foundation.

You can also add a touch of pink to anything you buy with a pink monogram. The company will collect $6 for every pink monogram or embroidered design purchased, and $4.50 of that fee will be donated directly to support breast cancer research through the end of October. There are plenty of designs to choose from, including a signature breast cancer ribbon that you can wear with pride.

Help support the cause with Lands’ End here.

Ellen Tracy Readers

Help your eyes while helping support a good cause with these special edition readers from ClearVision Optical in partnership with the fashion brand Ellen Tracy.

Until June 30, 2019, or while supplies last, each pair of readers purchased will generate a donation to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation for 22 percent of the retail purchase price. Each design is named after a different aspect of the cancer treatment and recovery process, such as Loved, Hopeful, and perhaps the most powerful of all: Survivor.

Get your Ellen Tracy Readers here.

For the Home and Office

Uniball Pens

Show your support for breast cancer research at work or school with these special edition Uniball pens. Through December 31, 2019, the company will donate 10 cents for every pen purchased to City of Hope to help fund breast cancer research.

Uniball aims to donate a total of $50,000 to the organization for research, treatment, and education, but will continue to add to that total even after the goal is met. With a pink finish and comfort grip, you’ll not only feel good while you write, but also enjoy knowing that your purchase is helping put an end to breast cancer.

Get yours from Target here.

Apollo Gardening Tool Sets

This seven-piece set includes everything an amateur gardener will need to get started, including an apron, gloves, and a small spade, all featuring pops of hot pink. For each set sold, Apollo will donate $1 to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation.

For the more experienced gardener, their 11-piece tool set might be a better choice. It includes a few extras like a knee mat, a hose attachment, and a hard case for storage. Like the 7-piece kit, $1 from the sale of each 11-piece kit will be donated to support breast cancer research.

Choose from the 7-piece or 11-piece sets on Amazon.

Apollo Tools Household Tool Kit

Ready to make some home improvements, but don’t know where to start? Well, start here, and do a little good for breast cancer research as you do a little good around your home.

This 53-piece tool set includes everything you need for most basic repairs and projects around the house, from a hammer to a tape measure, a screwdriver, and more. You’ll feel even better about your purchase because it sends a 75 cent donation to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation.

The pain that comes after a breakup is, sadly, universal. But that doesn’t mean navigating your feelings is easy. A widely used mental health inventory ranks separation from a romantic partner as one of the most stressful events in the course of adult life. Sigh.

It’s normal to get to a point where you consider what life would be like if you got back together. But breakups can leave all parties involved in a vulnerable state, which can make good decision-making hard. We think it’s best to consider expert opinions and ask yourself some helpful clarifying questions as you reconsider re-coupling.

1. What’s changed?

You probably broke up for a reason. Was it a heat-of-the-moment decision you now regret, or has something fundamental changed since then? If cheating was a part of the breakup, that doesn’t necessarily have to be a deal-breaker, although the underlying reasons that caused one partner to stray can’t be ignored.

Couples therapist Kelley Kitley told Women’s Health that serious issues like these should be processed with the help of a professional if you truly want to invest in a healthy relationship with your ex, no matter who or what you think was at fault in your breakup.

“Having a third party who is neutral and who can avoid the blame game is extremely beneficial,” Kitley said.

Be honest with yourself and each other about why you want to get back together and about what feelings and behaviors have (or haven’t) changed.

2. Are you putting someone else ahead of yourself?

It’s common for partners with ties that go beyond the emotions (like children or property in common) to feel pressure to be together for the sake of others or because sticking together is logistically less complicated than separating. Maybe your breakup hurt your former partner so badly that you feel compelled to get back together to make them happy, or perhaps your parents and friends loved—and still love—your ex. If this is the case, you need to be honest with yourself about your reasoning.

Marriage and family therapist Susan Pease Gadoua wrote in Psychology Today that her favorite piece of advice on the matter is: “The world doesn’t need more married people. The world needs more happy people.”

3. What’s motivating your temptation to return?

Lonely? Bored? Undersexed? Disappointed by the other fish in the sea who’ve passed through your net since the breakup? These in themselves are not good reasons to get back together with an ex.

Are you driven by your eagerness to “settle down” or return to a sense of stability? There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have your romantic life figured out, but if there’s a possibility you’re trying to fit a square peg into a round hole because you’re just looking for a relationship in general, you’ll want to pause and reflect first.

That said, according to licensed marriage and family therapist David Klow, who spoke to Women’s Health about getting back together, if you truly see something healthy worth pursuing with your ex, it can be worthwhile to settle in and make sure to communicate, communicate, communicate. “It is important for a couple to build on the past relationship,” he said, “warts and all.”

You Do You

And while you’re in the business of asking yourself introspective questions, here’s another one: How are you holding up? Diana Kirschner, PhD, recommends these five ways of recovering from heartache faster: sharing, meditation, sleep, exercise, and even “having imaginary conversations” with your ex.

Finally, consider for a moment that there may be no absolute “right” or “wrong” outcome. There may not be a secret fate, plan, or way things are “supposed” to turn out between you and your former lover. The best you can do is ask yourself a few hard questions, communicate openly, and, ultimately, take care of yourself before (and while) making any big decisions.

Are you reading this on your smartphone? Or is it within reach as your eyes move over the computer screen? It takes nothing more than a quick glance around any populated coffee shop, office, or park to see how media frenzied our world has become. From smartphones that badger us with a steady stream of notifications to robotically checking our email every few minutes and scrolling through hypnotic Instagram feeds, we’re flooded.
The issue? Technology dependence has become the new norm. With various studies suggesting how this dependence is linked to myriad negative outcomes (such as insomnia, reduced empathy, heightened anxiety, and struggling relationships), the call for a “break” has become increasingly popular.
We’ve all sat around with our girlfriends and chatted about the latest and greatest detoxes. From fruit fasting to charcoal elixirs, any bodily ailment seems to have a fix. Many of us, though, need the type of detox that goes beyond fruits and veggies (though we love those too!) to shift our relationship with this hectic digital age and cleanse the soul a bit.
So, what exactly does it mean to embark on a digital detox? Well, it’s essentially an escape. Whether it takes the form of a heart-opening, tech-free weekend at Camp Grounded or simply an easy day at home with your phone hiding in a desk drawer, it’s a chance to refrain from using electronic devices and disconnect from the digital chaos.

A detox offers an opportunity to reduce stress and re-center yourself in the present moment. One study has even taken the benefits one step further to demonstrate how parting from our beloved devices can improve posture in a way that opens our chakras to greater energy, deepen friendships with meaningful conversations, encourage childlike creativity and spontaneity, strengthen short- and long-term memory, and enhance the restfulness of sleep.
Yeah, it’s that good.
The key factor behind many individuals’ decision to detox is their diminished presence. Instead of finding joy in the passing moment, our thoughts race to posting pictures, perfecting status updates, and answering texts and emails the moment we receive them. The question then becomes, “Is this good for us, and how can we reset ourselves?”
Enter the digital detox.
This can be done anywhere, anytime, and for any length of time. If you’re looking for a true physical escape, perhaps one of Digital Detox‘s getaways is just what you need. But if a less extreme option—one that you can commit to this weekend—is more your style, here are a few tips to help us find the middle ground we’re all searching for.
Disable push notifications. Instead of hopping on each social media platform as soon as you see the banner on your phone (and watching a half hour fly by), create scheduled blocks of time to check each app. Think of this as taking some of the power back by deciding when and where to invest your energy.
Buffer your bedtime. Turn your devices off an hour before hitting the sheets, and refrain from checking for the latest posts until 30 minutes after you wake up. The former rests on the concept of proper sleep hygiene and eliminating the negative effects of blue light. This light has been shown to suppress melatonin levels in the body, contributing to greater feelings of restlessness. Instead, opt for reading, candle-lit journaling, or restorative yoga in your aromatherapy-filled abode.

Each morning, remind yourself that you are setting the tone for how the rest of your day goes. In a matter of minutes, your subconscious has decided your mood and started directing your flow. Instead of hopping onto the most tempting app, take some time to decide what you want to feel and how you would like your day to look. Stretch, turn on your happy music, drink a tall glass of water, and jot down a quick gratitude list. See what happens.
Build your tolerance. If disconnecting for an entire day sounds impossible, start with an easy 30 minutes. Establish boundaries and leave your phone out of the mix when it’s simply adding unnecessary distraction. Leave it in another room when you’re eating with loved ones, listening to your partner debrief you on their “you-wouldn’t-believe” type of day, or curling up with Brené Brown’s latest book and your favorite glass of red.
When you’ve mastered 30 minutes, set your next intention to a 45-minute break. Pretty soon you may just find yourself blocking off an entire weekend for your next technology-free retreat.
In a world that expects us to be constantly reaching for our phones, be the one who pulls her hand back to her heart.

We finish off the can of sparkling water, scoop out the last of the Greek yogurt, fork up the final greens from our salad box, and toss our trash straight into the…recycling bin. It feels good, doing our part for the environment. For a great many of us, recycling has become as second nature as, well, throwing our rubbish into the garbage.

But what happens from there to our cans and cardboard? How much good are we really doing when we sort out our plastics? As much as the thought can feel like an oil spill in our hearts and minds, is recycling actually helping?

Well, everything, as they say, comes with a cost. Even recycling.

Not all recyclables are equal.

Ten percent. Just 10 percent.

“Society’s best recycling rate is only 10%,” wrote Thomas Kinnaman, professor of economics at Bucknell University in Pennsylvania, in an article for The Conversation. Kinnaman led an eye-opening 2014 study that examined the overall “social cost” of recycling in Japan, the country with the most comprehensive data available. Social costs, for Kinnaman, encompassed everything from city expenses to environmental impact to the moral satisfaction people feel from the act of recycling. And on balance, he concluded, it is most beneficial for both the environment and the economy—there’s no such thing as a free recycled lunch—to recycle only 10 percent of our waste.

That number will strike many as shockingly small. We are instructed to recycle as soon as we start school. PBS alone, for instance, offers parents and educators 15 interdisciplinary, interactive lesson plans, following kids from kindergarten through the fourth grade, to teach recycling and other related eco-friendly behaviors.

And we are shamed for not recycling as adults. SodaStream, which makes a machine that allows people to make their own sparkling water, released an ad in 2016 called “Shame or Glory.” It featured Game of Thrones characters—yes, the Mountain and Septa Unella—chastening a shopper for buying water packaged in single-serve, plastic containers.

For after all, when we recycle, we send less waste to landfills and incinerators, which can lead to water and air pollution. We conserve energy and natural resources, which would otherwise be extracted to create new goods, using fewer fossil fuels and emitting fewer greenhouse gases in the process. Plus, if Big Bird and Jon Snow do it, then well, recycling’s just gotta be good.

But as Kinnaman’s study found, it’s more complicated than that, and that’s because not all materials are equally recyclable.

We may think otherwise, though, due to the very way we recycle. Today, many of us are used to casting our major recyclables—glass, plastic, paper, and metal—into the big, all-in-one bins we wheel out to the curb every week. These bins were developed, in part, because the time and effort it takes to sort materials deter many people from recycling, not to mention that multiple-stream recycling puts additional energy-sucking, gas-coughing trucks on the road to handle different pickup schedules. Yet these very pro-recycling, all-in-one bins can give us the false impression that are recyclables are equivalent.

“Although the optimal overall recycling rate may be only 10%, the composition of that 10% should contain primarily aluminum, other metals and some forms of paper, notably cardboard and other source of fiber,” Kinnaman wrote. “Optimal recycling rates for these materials may be near 100% while optimal rates of recycling plastic and glass might be zero.”

The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) backs up Kinnaman. It found that, in 2014, the U.S. recycled and composted 89 million tons of municipal solid waste, the technical term for what we throw out. But 90 percent of those savings come from just aluminum and paper. Everything else, from plastic and glass to food, yard trimmings, and textiles, amount to a mere 0.2 percent in savings—virtually zero, as Kinnaman observes.

Don’t despair too much: recycling absolutely does lower greenhouse gases, an unadulterated good. The aforementioned recycling efforts reduced over 181 million metric tons of carbon dioxide emissions. Having difficulty sizing up that number? The EPA likens the reduction to taking over 38 million cars off the road.

But the disparity in savings between metal/paper and plastic/glass is alarming—think about how often you recycle bottles as opposed to aluminum cans. What gives? Let’s sort it out:

Metal deserves a medal.

Tin, iron, and steel are winners, but aluminum is a recycling champion. According to environmental scientists, it’s 100 percent recyclable, and even after multiple rounds of reuse, the quality of its metal doesn’t degrade. This makes aluminum highly valuable to manufacturers who purchase the recycled material for reuse.

What’s more, recycling aluminum requires only about 5 percent of the energy it takes to mine and develop new, or “virgin,” aluminum, a very expensive and energy-intensive process.

Paper, Paper Everywhere

Recycling paper, whether newsprint or corrugated cardboard, is estimated to save only 40 percent of the energy required to make new supplies. And unlike aluminum, paper has diminishing returns; it deteriorates in quality each time it’s processed, making the value it can fetch on the market quite variable. Plus, a byproduct of recycling paper is a nasty sludge, which can be hazardous and is often landfilled.

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But we just consume so many paper products. In 2014, the EPA tallied that we recycled 44.4 million tons of paper and paperboard—nearly 50 percent of everything we recycled. That alone, calculates the EPA, took the equivalent of 29 million cars off the road that year.

A Glass Ceiling?

Twenty-nine million cars—compared to glass, which the EPA says removed only 175,000 cars. That’s definitely better than nothing, but when it comes to glass, we have to start weighing the costs against the benefits. Glass recycling, as with aluminum, is a closed-loop process; we get glass from recycling glass. But it’s very bulky and heavy, for one, which means more carbon emissions due to additional fuel and transportation. It also breaks, and broken glass can contaminate other recyclables, especially paper, sending whole loads of otherwise recyclable material to the landfill. Broken glass can also cause signifiant damage to recycling machinery—and workers.

Many broken glass contaminations result from single-stream recycling—those same all-in-one bins meant to encourage our recycling. Single-stream systems also invite straight up trash, as many consumers will “recycle” extra garbage they’ve run out of room for in their trash bins, contaminating batches at high costs for municipal facilities and redirecting recyclables to landfills. Single-stream systems also invite so-called “wishful recycling,” where people think or hope things are recyclable but they aren’t, like lightbulbs or batteries.

The Problem With Plastic

One of the biggest contaminators is plastic bags, the very kind that many cities are banning from supermarkets to be greener—and save money. Recycling, which is largely carried out on the municipal level, is expensive, sometimes costing cities hundreds of dollars more per ton to process than landfilling. Plastic bags can get stuck in machines, increasing labor, maintenance, and, ultimately, costs. (Be sure to take your bags back to the grocery store, which ships them off to special recycling facilities.)

Plastic containers, like we enjoy our Greek yogurt out of, have a short life-cycle. They undergo something called “downcycling,” or a loss in their quality, and thus value, upon each subsequent recycling.

Plastics are also highly subject to the whims of commodity markets, particularly given the swings in the price of oil, from which they are made. Remember, yesterday’s newspaper doesn’t magically become tomorrow’s coffee filter. Recycled products have to be bought and sold for that transformation to take place, and, depending on market fluctuations, it can often be cheaper for businesses to pay for virgin materials than acquire recycled ones. The economics of recycling is its own ecosystem, so to speak.

“It’s a whole process,” says John McGrane, Managing Director one of Ireland’s largest skip hire—or commercial and residential dumpster rental—companies. “You don’t think about it,” he says of the fate of the materials the average homeowner tosses into the the dumpster. “But I think about it.”

McGrane’s business—which operates in a country that heavily levies landfilling due to space constraints—is positioned at just one node in the larger web of the recycling industry. He helps us glimpse how complex it is. “I separate it,” he says of the stone, soil, timber, and other materials his customers are discarding. “All my timber would go to a recycling facility … They would shred it and turn it into a product. That’s just one element. I’d send all my metal to a facility in Wicklow,” which is south of Dublin. “They would then go ahead and sort it even more. They would compound it and send it on to China, to Holland. Holland would take the material and put it in the big iron refineries, which would go on into what’s in your dishwasher.”

“It’s indeed a business,” he says. “We all have to make money out of it.”

Plastic containers also come in all shapes and sizes—and numbers. You know, the ones in that little triangle of arrows hidden away on your soda bottle? These are Resin Identification Codes, and, generally speaking, they identify what kind of plastic the container is made from. There are seven different plastic resins, each containing different chemicals and requiring different temperatures to be melted down. Municipal curbside recycling programs widely vary in their capacities to handle different plastics, and a low capacity can lead to contamination of recycling steams. When the batch gets broken down, dangerous toxins can leach into our food, air, water, and subsequent materials made from the recycled plastic.

Take Cincinnati, Ohio. “Number 5 plastic, for example, is the famous one,” says Matthew Bauman, a university instructor in the city, whose recycling program often flummoxes him. “It’s the yogurt container and the city doesn’t [recycle] them. You just have to throw them away unless you take them to Whole Foods,” which sends them off for special treatment. “I should take them to Whole Foods, but I don’t want a bunch of mouldering yogurt containers until I have them time to go there.”

He reads, with a mix of confusion and exasperation, the guidance Cincinnati provides on the recycling page of its its city website: “If you crush the jug/bottle, you can screw the lid back on for recycling. Labels ok. To be considered a bottle or a jug, the mouth (top) of the container must be smaller than the bottom.”

“There’s a lot of mental effort partly because of this partial program the city has. There are these other contingencies about what you can recycle and criteria about them, and every time you go to recycle you’re looking at it and wondering.” And wondering, as we’ve seen, can lead to a lot of wishful recycling, sending good, clean recyclables right back to the dump.

Our brains aren’t helping.

Bauman’s experiences highlight just how psychological recycling is.

“Recycling is a classic example of ‘lessening the contradictions’,” he says. “You recycle and so you feel good. ‘I’m doing things for the environment. Everything’s fine.’ But the effect that is has on your sense of well-being about the environment and what you’re doing to avert global catastrophe is way out of proportion to the effect that it actually has on the environment.”

Recycling, as Bauman points out, is fraught with cognitive dissonance. We hold one belief, i.e., recycling helps the environment, in direct contradiction to other facts, i.e., whether or not our one measly yogurt container gets rubbished or recycled does vanishingly little to conserve our planet in the grand scheme of things. What’s more, our brains-on-recycling can ironically create even more waste.

Professor Remi Trudell and some colleagues conducted several social experiments in 2016 to better understand how our thinking affects our recycling—and it turns out recycling can have quite the effect on our thinking. In one study, they told participants that they could use as much of a product as they wanted when tasked with wrapping gifts or solving math problems on scrap paper. Half of the people were told they could recycle the materials they used; the other half, they’d be thrown away.

Their findings? People in the recycling group consumed far more resources than their counterparts. Writing in the Harvard Business Review, Trudell explains: “Conserving resources in one domain may lead you to waste resources in another—in effect, giving yourself a pass because of your prior good behavior—a phenomenon known in social science as ‘moral licensing.’”

(Moral licensing also helps explain why dieting can backfire. We eat healthily one day and reward ourselves the next, gobbling down a bunch of calories that undo all our previous day’s efforts.)

And so when we go to the grocery store, if we see goods that come in recyclable packaging, we might license ourselves to buy more than we otherwise would have. This simply puts more refuse into the stream, which requires more energy to process and repurpose. Our minds themselves are a hidden cost of recycling.

We need to go back to the source.

If our very brains are part of the recycling problem, what are we supposed to do? First and foremost, we should push for changes upstream. Many environmental and economic experts urge what’s called extended producer responsibility (EPR). EPR laws would require manufacturers to recollect the plastic, paper, and other materials they package their goods in, ideally incentivizing them to recycle them right back into production. Such laws would cut back on waste overall and and ease the burden—and costs—of recycling on cities.

We should also continue innovating recycling technologies. McGrane, for his part, has had his facility’s machines “purpose-built” to improve the sorting of materials. The better sorted his waste, the more he can send off for recycling—and the more he can save on the steep levies Ireland places on landfill. Irish landfills, McGrane says, are private entities. They charge 45 euro (over $50) for each ton that crosses their gates. The Irish government then tacks on 75 euro (about $88) more per ton for the dumper. “If you’re doing 50,000 tons a year … That’s why it’s so important to extract every bit out of the skip” for recycling.

Kinnaman would presumably agree with Ireland’s system. For the U.S., he’s proposed up to a tax $15 per ton of waste to help mitigate the costs our waste management has on nature and society.

McGrane is also extensively looking into SRF, or solid recovered fuel, which converts landfill waste into fuel. “It’s pretty cutting edge. It’s going to be a big investment, but in the long run, it’s the only way for [our] company” to stay profitable.

Scientists are also making breakthroughs not just with new technology, but with nature itself. In 2016, Japanese researchers identified bacteria that can eat plastic, which holds true, eco-friendly promise for the future of the recycling.

Reduce, reuse, and reconnect with nature.

Finally, we can all make changes at the ultimate source: ourselves. Rather than recycling wishfully, we need to recycle intelligently. This means taking the time to properly sort our waste and ensuring we faithfully recycle high-yield items like aluminum and paper. But it also means remembering those other two R’s we are taught about alongside recycling in primary school: reducing and reusing. We may not all turn our old yogurt containers into storage for our craft supplies, but we can reconsider purchasing so many single-serve packages in the first place.

And Emer Sheahan, a psychologist, has just the way to help us jumpstart this process: ecopsychology. “Ecopsychology is really about the relationship between people and their emotions and using nature as a way of helping them,” she says. “We’ve lost touch because of the use of technology. A disconnect’s been created, therefore we don’t care as much about environment.”

Sheahan continues: “How we relate to others is a reflection of how we relate to ourselves. It’s the same with the environment. The more conscious we become of our own selves—we act that way towards nature. That’s what’s going to genuinely create the values” that make us not just effective recyclers, but more responsible consumers in the first place.

So, recycle. But the next time you’re at the store, don’t just ask yourself, “Is this product recyclable?” Think of the hidden costs of recycling and ask yourself: “Do I need this product? Is there a way for me to get around its packaging?” Less can really do more—both for you and the environment.

Do you want to be a part of your health care, or not?

On his DVD stand-up show Dress to Kill, British comedian Eddie Izzard has a great routine in which he discusses going to a chiropractor in New York.
“They crack your bones, that’s what they do,” Izzard says of the specialists. “In the end, you trust them, you just trust them. They could have their fingers in your nostrils, one foot on the back of your underpants, and they’re pushing your spine away with a broom…’What’s this one all about?'” Izzard, pretending to be the hapless patient, says as he demonstrates the position to the guffawing audience.

His imagined chiropractor responds, “I have no idea.” Izzard then releases his “patient,” grimacing as he lands on a far-off target as if he were an arrow shot from a bow. “Wherever he falls, there shall he be buried,” Izzard deadpans. It’s a hilarious routine, but it also reveals a lot of the fear and misunderstanding that still surrounds chiropractors. Even to this day, people mostly think that all chiropractors do is “crack your bones.”

It is not based on neurology, anatomy, and physiology; it’s based on a myth.

But the reality of chiropractic—the noun form for the kind of pain relief and healing that chiropractors study—is, for better or worse, much more complicated. “I think at one time, there was a lot of misinformation [about chiropractors] for various reasons,” says Scott Bautch, a doctor of chiropractic and president of the American Chiropractic Association’s Council on Occupational Health. “One reason was largely word of mouth: if you have a good experience, you tell one person, but if you have a bad experience, you tell a room of people.”
Bautch, who has been practicing at his current location since 1985, believes some of the uneasiness about chiropractors in the public consciousness is starting to fade.

“The public in general is starting to demand active engagement in their health care—how people are paying for it, how they’re thinking about it…they’re taking more control,” he says. “Seventy percent of Americans want a drug-free option for pain relief, and we’re the largest drug-free profession.”

A Brief History of Chiropractic

“Chiropractic” is a late 19th-century word combining the Greek words chiro (hand) and praktikos (practical), meaning “do.” It’s a form of alternative, or complementary, medicine based on the diagnosis and manipulative treatment of the joints and spine to address musculoskeletal pain. Most patients see chiropractors for head, neck, and back pain, although some go for other reasons as well.

Bautch touts the profession’s holistic approach to pain relief. “If you go in a medical direction [for pain], most of what you get is care for the symptom,” he says. “Medical doctors don’t have much training to diagnose other [problems].” A chiropractor, on the other hand, is “not treating the effect, but the cause. For instance, if a patient has back pain, we address how do you sit properly, how do you eat properly? So [doctors] can treat the pain only, but how can you prevent the pain from being ongoing?”
As a profession, chiropractic has had an uphill battle in earning its legitimacy in the eyes of the world. For most of its existence, the practice has been viewed with suspicion. It doesn’t help that its founder, Daniel David Palmer, viewed chiropractic as a religion he “received from the other world.” He regularly engaged in séances to connect with long-dead doctor Jim Atkinson—in his posthumously released book The Chiropractor, Palmer wrote, “The method by which I obtained an explanation of certain physical phenomena, from an intelligence in the spiritual world, is known in biblical language as inspiration.”
In a 1911 letter comparing himself to Mary Baker Eddy, the founder of Christian Science, he said: “I occupy in chiropractic a similar position as did Mrs. Eddy in Christian Science. Mrs. Eddy claimed to receive her ideas from the other world and so do I. She founded theron a religioin (sic), so may I. I am THE ONLY ONE IN CHIROPRACTIC WHO CAN DO SO.”

This stigma of chiropractic as hokum followed practitioners of it for decades. In the 1960s, the American Medical Association created a Committee on Quackery specifically to stop the spread of the profession. In 1966, a policy passed by the AMA House of Delegates stated, “It is the position of the medical profession that chiropractic is an unscientific cult whose practitioners lack the necessary training and background to diagnose and treat human disease.” This and other policies did much to delegitimize chiropractors in the public sphere.
Some speculated that the AMA was trying to eliminate economic competition from chiropractors. Whatever their motive, as recently as 1987, a suit brought against the association ruled they were in violation of antitrust laws. They were ordered to cease and desist in their efforts to block the advancement of chiropractic.

Since then, the profession has enjoyed a steady increase in patients now willing to embrace the once-taboo practice. The fact that chiropractors don’t prescribe medication is a particularly salient reason Dr. Bautch believes the practice is gaining popularity. “[Americans] are 5% of the world’s population, and we’re on 80% of the world’s painkillers,” he says. Nervousness about the opioid crisis and other addiction fears have spurred people on to other solutions.
“Chiropractic is going to be the drug-free approach to pain relief, and your chiropractor is going to want you to be a participant in your health care, rather than a passive member,” Bautch says.

Does it work?

One major adherent of chiropractic is Janet Juounie, a patient of Dr. Bautch’s. But she had to be converted.
“[Dr. Bautch] caused more arguments in our married life than I care to mention,” Juounie says. After growing up in a household where her father openly ridiculed the practice, Juounie was horrified when her husband started going to see Bautch. He went for 10-15 years, and “every time a bill came and he went to pay it, I’d ask him, ‘Why do you go to this quack?’” But when Juounie started getting excruciating pain in her legs—“Like having six or seven Charlie horses all at the same time,”—her husband persuaded her to go to the chiropractor before getting surgery.

“I went in, and [Dr. Bautch] had me lie on my back, and he put tape on my legs in the shape of a Y,” she says. “I thought, ‘Wow, he’s really a quack. He’s crazy.’” But when he had her get up and walk, there was almost no pain. “I didn’t believe it,” she says.
Now, at 71, Juounie says she can do things like cross her legs and walk to the end of the driveway without stopping— things she hasn’t been able to do in 20 years. She goes to see Dr. Bautch three times a week and says she adores him even more than her husband does. “I would never believe I’d suggest going to a chiropractor,” she says. “I swear by them.”

For his part, Bautch says he’s seen plenty of patients like Juounie come and go. “A typical case for me is a patient who’s had 2-3 episodes of pain, but they’ve held off coming in because they didn’t understand [chiropractic].” In all that time, he says, “I’ve never had someone say, ‘I wish I’d waited’… they always say, ‘I wish I’d come sooner.’”

There’s ongoing skepticism.

If Juounie’s testimony is enough to persuade you to make a chiropractor appointment, not so fast, says Dr. Harriet Hall. As the “The SkepDoc,” Hall, a retired family physician and former Air Force flight surgeon, has devoted herself to exposing the truths behind complementary and alternative medicine and quackery.

Chiropractors don’t do anything a good physical therapist can’t do without any quackery.

“Of course [chiropractic] is popular,” Hall says. “People get better without treatment. If they have seen a chiropractor, they give him the credit. They can go to a chiropractor immediately rather than waiting for a doctor’s appointment. And the culture presents chiropractic as the best way to treat back pain.”
For Hall, part of the problem is that most medical doctors don’t really understand what chiropractic is. “Science-based doctors who understand it, like Edzard Ernst, are very critical of chiropractic,” she says.

Ernst is a Emeritus Professor at the University of Exeter, the editor in chief of two medical journals, and a medical doctor with training in acupuncture, homeopathy, herbalism, spinal manipulation and more. For 25 years, he has focused his research on “the critical evaluation of all aspects of alternative medicine.” He regularly writes about alternative medicine, including chiropractic, on his blog; he concluded a July 2017 rebuttal to a chiropractor by saying, “‘Dr’ Braccio is using very tired pseudo-arguments which have all been addressed and invalidated hundreds of times. My advice to him: book yourself urgently on a course of critical thinking.”
Like Ernst, most science-based doctors are decidedly not fans of chiropractic. In her own series of lectures on YouTube, Hall devotes over 35 minutes to deconstructing chiropractic. “Chiropractors are not medical doctors,” she says. “They can say they’re doctors, because they hold the DC degree—Doctor of Chiropractic…some people don’t even know there’s a difference. They think chiropractors are just M.D.s that specialize in the back. Most customers go to chiropractors for treatment of back pain, but some people go to chiropractors for all their health needs and health maintenance and prevention. That’s a mistake.”
Hall calls chiropractic a “pre-scientific belief system,” and says “It is not based on neurology, anatomy, and physiology; it’s based on a myth…the myth of the so-called ‘chiropractic subluxation.’…Subluxation is the idea that displacement of bones is the root of all disease.”

Book yourself urgently on a course of critical thinking.

Hall herself isn’t against all practice of chiropractic. “I don’t tell patients not to see a chiropractor, but I give advice on how to choose one who is less likely to be a quack,” she says. “If a chiropractor offers to provide short-term treatment of musculoskeletal problems, he may not be a quack. If he offers to ‘adjust your subluxations’ or offers quack treatments and quack diagnostic tests like applied kinesiology [he may be].”
Hall concludes, “Chiropractors don’t do anything a good physical therapist can’t do without any quackery.”

The choice is yours.

Whatever your perceptions of chiropractic, if you’re planning to go to one, do your research. Talk to other patients, your medical doctor, and a chiropractor or two before beginning treatment.

To hear Bautch tell it, though, chiropractors will only continue to gain popularity. Since 1985, he says he hasn’t grown his patient base by advertising. It’s all been through positive word of mouth. And that word of mouth, he says, is due to people asking, “Do you want to be a part of your health care, or not?”
“The passive approach [to pain care] has proved to be a great failure,” he says. As a society, we “don’t engage people along with the pain habits.” But ultimately, whether or not you go to a chiropractor is up to you. “You have to look at what your health belief system is,” he says. “Do you understand we can relieve your pain? Do you think we’ll only hurt your back? [Or] do you want to minimize the risk of getting pain under control?”

Television is terrible for you. Haven’t you heard?

That’s why you might feel a secret thrill when you overhear co-workers discussing a TV show that you missed, because, of course, you were busy reading last night. Or, more commonly, why you feel a twinge of guilt when you hit “play next.”
Either way, that emotional response is tied to the narrative that TV is bad for you. And the research feeds that narrative—it might even have birthed it.
Here’s what the scientific literature tells us: We know that watching more TV increases obesity risk in children and that watching more TV can increase our chance of developing life-threatening illnesses. We’ve learned that watching violent television can desensitize kids to violence. We don’t dispute these things. There are real reasons “the idiot box” has become a central metaphor for an escapist, death-denying, sedentary, maybe-even-honest-to-goodness decadent Western lifestyle.

But just because something can be bad for us doesn’t mean it can’t also be good for us. When watching TV, several unique conditions—what you’re watching, and when, where, and why, and who with, and how much—all add up to different psychosocial, physiological, and emotional health effects. We’re only now beginning to learn how good or bad they all are.
Dr. Robin Nabi is a professor of media effects and health communication at the University of California at Santa Barbara, and she’s one of a growing group of researchers who seem to say, sure, media consumption can contribute to negative health outcomes. But that’s not the whole story.

We always seem to start from this place of, ‘How could this cause problems?’ rather than this place of, ‘How can this be wonderful?’

In their research, Nabi and her colleagues ask what a healthy media diet looks like “so we can maximize the benefits and minimize the costs, physiologically and emotionally,” she tells HealthyWay.

To be clear, no one is suggesting you drop everything and binge the entirety of Netflix tomorrow.

Binging on anything, as the term implies, is probably not great for your health. We just don’t want the pervasive, ambient guilt we often attach to TV viewing to deprive you of the true comfort you might find in a few episodes of your favorite show.

“We’re not saying, ‘Oh, you should watch 8 hours of television a day. You’ll be healthier,'” Nabi explains. “It’s more … your media diet can contribute to your health just like the food you eat can contribute to your health … We’re just starting to scratch the surface of that question.”
The relationship between media and well-being is a newish sub-sub-(maybe sub)-field of research, but already a couple things are clear: Our relationship to television doesn’t operate along a binary, good/bad dynamic, and it’s probably alright to let go and enjoy the occasional evening with the remote—especially when you’re stressed out, or worse. The evidence is slowly amassing.

So, while the researchers work on the details of a truly healthy media diet, be kind to yourself when you feel like relaxing in front of the screen. Here are a few reasons you shouldn’t feel guilty for watching television:

1. If you watch TV to relieve stress, you are certainly not alone.

Who uses media (including, for our purposes, television) to cope with stress? At least two groups, according to Nabi and colleagues’ recent published research in the field. They asked 421 undergraduate college students and 102 survivors of breast cancer to describe the coping mechanisms they used to handle stress over the previous four weeks.
The responses featured the range you’d expect. People listed exercise, talking to or being with friends or family, deep breathing, yoga, prayer. They listed sleep and food and going to therapy. Some threw themselves into work or school, while others—amazingly few—chose unhealthy behaviors such as substance abuse.
Among both groups, though, “media use” was in the top five coping strategies listed without any prompting from the researchers whatsoever. In both groups, people used media more often than religion to cope with stress. To be clear, the researchers didn’t code responses for specific types of media, so we don’t know who was going to the IMAX theater and who was playing video games. But if you choose to watch TV to deal with a stressful moment, this study suggests you’ll find yourself in plenty of company.

2. There’s some physiological evidence that TV can reduce stress levels.

If watching television actually helps to reduce stress, you’d assume that people who use media effectively, from a physiological perspective, would have lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol. That was the idea behind one of Nabi’s and colleagues’ earlier studies.
“What we did was measure people’s stress hormones … before and then while they were watching different types of media,” Nabi says.

The research team found that women who watched more television had lower cortisol levels than those who reported less time spent viewing. (Note that, perplexingly, men did not show the same relationship between TV and cortisol.)
“Now, we can’t necessarily make a causal argument because of the nature of our data collection,” Nabi says. “But it does suggest there is some relationship there.”

And there seems to be something to it—in the American Psychology Association’s 2017 “Stress in America” survey, 33 percent of men and 39 percent of women said that they watch television to manage their stress.
Of course, researchers are stuck with statistical analysis. We’re free to be a bit more anecdotal, so we put the question to you: Do you feel less stressed out when you watch television? And if so, why feel bad about that?

3. Our cultural narrative about TV viewership still skews negative.

The evidence against television has been piling up since the first twist of the knob—and really, this happens with any new medium. Anyone who heard Plato argue that poetry has no place in the ideal society, or noticed that Madame Bovary is a novel about the dangers of novels, or read Dr. Fredric Wertham’s 1950s arguments against comic books, could have predicted this.

As human beings, we tend to orient more towards negative than towards the positive, because those are the things that are threatening.

“Concern on the part of the public and Congress about the harmful influence of media violence on children dates back to the 1950s and 1960s, and remains strong today,” Dr. Dale Kunkel told the U.S. Senate Committee on Commerce, Science, and Transportation in 2007. “The legitimacy of that concern is corroborated by extensive scientific research that has accumulated over the past 40 years.”
Kunkel’s right. But we have over 40 years of evidence that he’s right. What, in the obsessive search for the negatives, have we missed? What else can we discover about our consumption of media—and television in particular?

“We always seem to start from this place of, ‘How could this cause problems?’ rather than this place of, ‘How can this be wonderful?'” says Nabi. Media researchers are just beginning to look at the second question, and the fact that it took this long probably shouldn’t surprise anyone, either.
In studying the media—and, one assumes, pretty much anything else—there are two forces that push researchers toward negative questions, Nabi says, rather than toward questions that could reveal as-yet-uncovered positive health effects.
“One is, as human beings, we tend to orient more towards negative than towards the positive, because those are the things that are threatening,” she says. “So when there’s something new, we go, ‘Uh oh, how could this be a danger?'”
The second reason reflects a similar dynamic, but this time on the part of the forces that hold the university’s purse strings.
“That’s where the [research] funding comes from,” Nabi says. “People don’t say, ‘Hey, let’s study the good stuff.’ They go, ‘Could this be bad? How might this be damaging to kids? We need to find out.'”
In the end, if they’re not careful, the zeitgeist and the researchers end up in the same place. “Watching TV is for slobs,” says the cultural narrative. Then, when we watch TV, we’re left to conclude that we are slobs. Like the images flickering on the screen, though, this is just a story.

4. TV can be a social experience.

If you want to know what a society values, look at what they say about raising their kids. In our case, that means a quick peek through some top mommy blogs. “The Hook: How to Get Kids Reading,” blares a recent headline from MomBlogSociety. “How to get kids excited about reading,” CoolMomPicks promises to reveal. “Creative Ways to Foster a Love of Reading in Your Kids,” says ScaryMommy.

Guess how many pieces about getting kids to look at screens you’ll find on these blogs. And while we’re the first to champion the power of the written word (pow!), why must it come at the expense of another way to consume a story?
“Parents, a lot, are like, ‘Oh, I feel so terrible. I’m the worst mom. I just put my kid in front of the iPad,'” Nabi says. “Well, it’s not the iPad, necessarily. It’s the amount of time [kids] use it, and it’s what they’re actually doing on it.”
Novels have their strengths. So do television shows. For example, television—like film, theater, opera before it—can be a shared experience. You join your friends for movie night. You and a spouse cuddle during a favorite show. Your mother, your father, your child, your cat: You don’t always watch alone.

“Fundamentally, it doesn’t matter how technologically sophisticated we become; emotional connectivity remains a core part of being human,” Drs. Shoba Sreenivisan and Linda E. Weinberg wrote for Psychology Today. “We need each other—maybe not in the ways that characterized us evolutionarily, but for a need that remains essential for psychological survival.”

5. Sometimes, TV is the only social experience you’re capable of.

The value of TV as a social experience is thrown into high relief in cases of illness or despair or even during end-of-life care. There are times you don’t want to talk or aggressively socialize, and further, there are times that you simply cannot. Group television viewing offers what must be the best way to be together without having to fill the silence.

“If you could use [television] in a way that helps to build these social connections, and these bonds, then that could actually lead to longer-term stress relief,” Nabi says. “There’s evidence that social support and social connections aid in dealing with stress, in mitigating the negative effects of stress on health when someone is already dealing with, particularly, a health challenge.”

I’ll Go First: TV Has Helped

I have mourned deaths and nursed broken hearts and had run-of-the-mill rotten days by the hundreds. But I had, and have, a cure. No, not a cure—there is no cure—but a balm—and it is there for me, right there on the DVD shelf where it’s stood since, well, since people used to buy DVDs and put them on shelves. It is called Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
For you it might be Empire or Macgyver or Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Maybe it’s the Harry Potter movies or the works of Terrence Malick. Maybe it’s Family Matters, maybe Game of Thrones. The point is, maybe you can identify. Maybe you depend on television and film to be an emotional release valve the way we do. And maybe it’s time to stand up and be counted—without the guilt.
Nabi doesn’t dispute the research on the downsides of media use, she assures us. “It is real, but there are silver linings here, too. And it might not just be silver linings,” she says. “It might be sunshine and rainbows.”

If Sasha Brown-Worsham skips a workout, her mood plummets. “I snap and lash out,” the Maplewood, New Jersey, yoga teacher admits. “I get depressed and agitated and angry.”
Her solution? Head into a yoga studio to take on a challenging asana or lace up her sneakers for a run around the neighborhood.
“When I am moving, I feel alive!” she says.
Fitting time in your schedule to move with the level of commitment Brown-Worsham does isn’t always easy. The average American woman is working long hours of both paid and unpaid labor.
Some days you probably find yourself thinking “After doing the grocery run and grabbing coffee with Rachel, how am I really going to fit in a workout?”
But then again, if you’re thinking “I could really use a mood boost right now,” you’re not alone in that either. American women are more likely than American men to be diagnosed with anxiety or depression, and we make up more than half of all mental illness diagnoses in this country.

Whether you’re just feeling a little down in the dumps or you’re living with and learning to manage a diagnosed mental illness, there’s solid science out there that shows incorporating just a little movement into your day can make a big difference. Heck, it can even prevent someone who’s struggling from falling into depression (according to the scientists, anyway).
If you’re feeling the urge to get on your feet but you don’t think you’ll have time to make it to kickboxing class this week, here are some mood-boosting options that might fit the bill.

1. Dance around your kitchen.

If you can’t make it to the gym, bring the gym to you. Telling Alexa to play something sassy and moving your hips while you stir that tomato sauce won’t just burn some of the calories you’ve consumed throughout the day.
Dance movement therapy is actually prescribed by practitioners these days to help people cope with depression. Bonus to doing it in your own kitchen: You really can dance like no one is watching.

2. Take a walk.

A walk around the neighborhood may not help you work up a sweat like you would at CrossFit. But when you’ve got just 45 minutes between the end of the work day and your best friend’s kid’s soccer game, do you really want to show up smelling like the gym?
According to one Australian study, as little as 30 minutes in nature every week can decrease your depression risk by 7 percent, and it drops your blood pressure too. Lace up your sneakers and start smelling the roses.

3. Unfurl your yoga mat.

If you’re looking for a quick mood boost, a little quiet meditation and movement may be all you need. The effects of yoga on anxiety have gotten the thumbs up from researchers, and Brown-Worsham confirms that you don’t need to go in the studio to reap the benefits.

She’s known to head out on the back porch for a quick yoga session when she feels the need. If you don’t have time for a full yoga class, pull up a quick YouTube class (Yoga With Adriene has 10-minute options) and bliss out.

4. Turn friend time into workout time.

When former Facebook executive Randi Zuckerberg said women have a choice of work, sleep, family or fitness, and they can only pick three, the world erupted. The general response? Randi, you are speaking our language!
So if you’re waffling between the much-needed mood boost that comes from coffee with your bestie or the equally needed pick-me-up of a workout, you might just want to marry the two. It turns out the only thing better for your mood than a workout is a workout with a friend.

If you found out that a friend of yours had just suffered a horrible tragedy—a sudden job loss, a divorce, even the loss of a family member—how would you comfort them? Perhaps you’d offer an ear to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. Maybe you’d bring them a home-cooked meal. Or you’d just offer a simple message to let them know they’re loved and supported during this difficult time.
How about trying to sell them a product they really don’t need (now or ever)? What about trying to get them in on an exciting new business opportunity?

Those last ones might seem like pretty inappropriate gestures. But in the world of multi-level marketing, they’re common tactics.
It’s hardly surprising that multi-level marketing’s negative reputation is gaining notoriety, and not just thanks to insensitive sales pitches. Statistics show that the overwhelming majority of people who sell products through network marketing rarely make any profit.
Yet despite this, more and more people—especially women—are desperate to get involved. So what’s the appeal?

Multi-Level What Now?

Multi-level marketing (MLM) is nothing new. Many of us have fond (or painful) childhood memories of our mothers hosting Tupperware parties at home, or poring through the latest Avon catalogue. (And who can forget Edward Scissorhands’ most endearing local Avon representative, Peg Boggs?) In fact, at 131 years old, Avon is one of the oldest direct-selling companies in the world.

Nowadays, MLMs look a little different. They offer everything from Borzoi-printed leggings to weight-loss cling wrap. Wellness products rate particularly high.
What has remained the same over the years is the way these companies make money. The products are sold not through stores, but directly through salespeople (direct selling). A customer must place an order through a local representative, sometimes through home parties. The whole operation, however, is not so cut-and-dry as that.
The real money comes not from product sales, but from recruiting more sellers. MLMs offer large financial incentives for enlisting more representatives. This varies depending on the company, but it often involves a lump sum of cash and a regular cut of that person’s profits. It’s little wonder 20 million Americans are now sellers.

Many proponents of MLMs (usually sellers) rave about the benefits of the products: “Herbalife’s shakes helped me to lose that baby weight! My Lularoe leggings are insanely soft! This Rodan + Fields serum is a game changer!”
Don’t forget the apparent perks of being a seller. Successful representatives are more than happy to boast the fruits of their labor, which more often than not appear to involve luxury sports cars and exotic cruises. And yet the public outcry against these companies is growing louder and louder.

Why (Almost) Everyone Loves to Hate MLMs

In 2016, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver ran a 30-minute segment exposing some disturbing flaws in the design of these companies. The episode, inspired by Ted Braun’s 2016 documentary, Betting On Zero, focused on nutritional supplement company Herbalife.

The main accusation against multi-level marketing companies like Herbalife is simple: They’re pyramid schemes, which are illegal in many countries (including the United States). That means the business model operates by profiting mostly from the recruitment of more sellers rather than actual product sales.
Most MLM sellers are encouraged to recruit about five people, with the promise of more money as each of their “recruitees” sign up five more people. To start making serious dime—as in cruise ships and Lamborghinis—a seller must have many levels of sellers under them, referred to as a “downline.” That doesn’t sound too terrible—until you really look at it:

And here lies the flaw. As Oliver, Betting On Zero, and yes, even The Office, demonstrate, there’s a limit to this system. After just 13 of these cycles, every single person on the planet would be a seller. It’s really not possible to keep recruiting people at the rate that these companies encourage.
The numbers just don’t add up, no matter how you spin it.
The trouble doesn’t end there. In 2013, The League of United Latin American Citizens campaigned against Herbalife. They claimed that the company took advantage of thousands of vulnerable Latino-Americans with the promise of a successful businesses model only to leave them in crippling debt. Herbalife have since paid out $200 million to disadvantaged sellers.
How did these sellers incur such massive debts? Many MLMs require sellers to pledge an initial investment into stock, with the promise that they’ll be able to quickly make that money back from sales. To join companies like LulaRoe and Herbalife, would-be sellers are shelling out thousands. It often doesn’t get better from there: supply doesn’t always meet demand—especially if there are many sellers in the same locality. This can leave sellers with thousands of dollars in unsold stock.

In the case of LulaRoe, it seems their shady business practices may be sparking a fall from grace. As we mentioned, joining an MLM is often astronomically expensive. To join LulaRoe, new “Independent Fashion Retailers” must purchase an “onboarding package” that contains 336 to 463 pieces of LulaRoe clothing; the packages range in price from $4,812 to $6,784. According to data acquired by Business Insider, by February 2017, over 77,000 individuals made that leap.
When the company was accused of improperly taxing their customers, many sellers, who had already coughed up thousands of dollars, stood by them. But things weren’t looking so hot in the last half of 2017. Over several months, a private social media group devoted to LulaRoe products (with over 45,000 members) saw plenty of action: Consultants and customers alike have described their experiences with “LLR defective clothing, poor customer service, illegal shipping/sales” and more. As the number of claims of slipping quality increase, more and more people are voicing their criticism and looking for refunds.

While LulaRoe started refunding those who were unhappy with their products, any refund claims had to be made by July 31, 2017; they also had to be backed up with a proof of purchase with original receipt. In an April 2017 announcement, the company said that customers could get an exchange or refund directly from their consultants, which didn’t bode well for any consultants without the assets to do so. Worse, LulaRoe no longer offers a full reimbursement policy for their representatives who have had to offer returns—out of their own pockets.
Needless to say, plenty of sellers are fed up. Many, unable to afford floating the customer refunds, have held going-out-of-business (GOOB) sales just to offload the hundreds or even thousands of dollars of extra stock they have lying around at low prices—because something is better than nothing. Eager customers hit up GOOB sales to take advantage of the ability to pay less than retail price for the leggings, undercutting sellers who remain in the game at full price.

LulaRoe isn’t the only company with issues. Another problem that plagues many MLM companies is that their products often carry a high price tag that doesn’t quite match the quality. For example, Juice Plus supplements aren’t proven to be any more effective than a regular multivitamin, but Juice Plus is significantly more expensive.
The expiration date on perishable products often means sellers struggle to shift the massive amount of stock they bought with their wholesale discount.
To put these factors into perspective, 99.7 percent of multi-level marketing sellers lose money.

Women Still Can’t Get Enough

Regardless of the negative aspects, what’s really intriguing about multi-level marketing is the gender gap. Why are so many more women selling these products than men?

It just sort of came up when I was at a party and I just thought, why not?

For stay-at-home mothers, it’s certainly not hard to understand the appeal. Full-time parenting doesn’t leave much time for a regular job, and most MLM companies boast a flexible schedule with high earning potential as the biggest benefits. When you’re supporting a family, every little bit of extra income counts.

Leanne Digby was a stay-at-home mother who had just gone through a particularly traumatic separation from her partner when she decided to start selling Tupperware.
“It kept you motivated,” she said. “I was living in the middle of nowhere. There was no childcare, really. It just sort of came up when I was at a party and I just thought, why not? It really helped me get over what happened, to be quite honest, because it got me out.”
Because of her rural location, she only ever recruited two other women, and says she didn’t feel much pressure to find more. The women she recruited became sellers to get the wholesale discount on Tupperware products, and only ever sold a small amount each month to family and friends.
She also sold for Mary Kay, a multi-level marketing cosmetics company. She says that she only ever sold products that she was confident were good quality, but has noticed the recent influx of MLMs selling what she describes as “just junk.” Some of them have even tried to recruit her.

“You have to be fussy,” she says.
Like Digby, Nay Cananzi became a seller for Juice Plus because she enjoyed the products.
“An old friend started talking about it,” she says. “Apart from her being a health freak, I was more interested in the product because I wanted to get healthier.”
While she continues to use Juice Plus products, she was unable to commit the amount of time required to become profitable. She stopped selling after a few weeks.
The pressure to sell can be time-consuming and doesn’t always match the supposedly flexible schedule that draws many sellers in. Anti-MLM groups on social media often post pitches they receive from sellers they know, with many of them using strange and even inappropriate tactics. But those desperate attempts to find customers aren’t surprising when you consider how few are able to turn a profit.
Flexible schedule or not, the one thing that appeals to all sellers is the potential for success (remember those sports cars and tropical vacations?). Anyone can become a seller, regardless of education, background, or social status. And each of these companies show off their highest performers (while disregarding the majority who stay in the red month after month). It’s clear to see why this would appeal to women, particularly those without secondary education or formal job experience.

According to a report by the United States Joint Economic Committee, American women earn an average of $10,800 less each year than men. They’re also more likely to study and work in fields that have lower pay and are far less likely to hold positions of leadership in a company.
Simply put, women are not experiencing the same level of financial success as their male counterparts—which may very well be the reason so many are eager to sign up to multi-level marketing.

#BossBabe Business Owners or Pyramid Scheme Suckers?

Many women who sell multi-level marketing products argue that they feel a sense of empowerment as a seller. How? Because they’ve managed to build and run their own business, of course.

But is a multi-level marketer a legitimate business owner? Let’s take a look at the differences.
As a seller, your entire customer base consists mostly of people in your own social circle—something that few conventional business owners do.
Some MLMs don’t allow sellers to choose their own products. How many regular businesses would allow their distributors to send them mystery boxes of stock each month?
More importantly, the hiring process is completely different. When regular businesses look to employ salespeople, they’ll consider applicants based on their skills and experience. With multi-level marketing, the only prerequisite is to be willing to do it.
Additionally, when typical businesses hire one individual, that doesn’t often immediately increase their success or profits, whereas adding to your downline in a direct marketing company is essential to success.
Granted, buying a starter kit from one of the many multi-level marketing companies out there means you skip over much of the initial groundwork involved with actually starting your own business.
But no matter how many hours their sellers work per week, these companies don’t offer basic benefits like a regular wage, health insurance, or retirement contributions.

But there’s one more thing you’re likely to miss out on: profit.
Unless, of course, you happen to own a company like Herbalife—in which case you’re probably worth billions.

A woman and her boyfriend are taking a nature walk on a beautiful, sunny day. They pause at the top of the hill to take in the unbelievable view in front of them. She turns around to find her boyfriend kneeling. He presents her with a box.
“Maddison Marie, will you marry me?”
She gasps, pausing for a moment before responding with: “Wait— you hired a photographer, right?”

Thankfully, this isn’t a real proposal. The hilariously YouTube video, titled “The Millennial Marriage Proposal,” is a satire of society’s obsession with social media and its ability to ruin even the most intimate of moments.
Nevertheless, the skit does hold an element of truth. In the era of Instagram feeds populated with impossibly magical proposals caught on camera, the soon-to-be-engaged are undoubtedly feeling the pressure to make their engagement story extra special.

Could these dreams-come-true be too good to be true?

No, this isn’t about fake proposal stunts to rack up Reddit karma (or just free dessert). But in an age when women are becoming more assertive and clear on their own wants and needs—especially in regard to their relationships—is there an element of fiction behind even the grandest engagement story?

Love in the Age of Instagram

That Millennial Proposal video may have been satirical, but the line about the photographer seems to be an emerging trend in the real world.
Instagram accounts like @wedding.proposals boast some amazing photos of engagements from all around the world. With over 200,000 followers and some seriously impressive photography, each photo garners hundreds (if not thousands) of likes.
One post, which has almost 2,000 likes, describes a proposal that many women would dream of:
“…I put on a fancy red dress and pumps and he picked me up in a Ralph Lauren coat and dress pants (he looked like prince charming). He took me out for pre-dinner drinks at J Parker rooftop in Chicago (where we went on our first date ever a few years ago). After drinks, we were picked up by a carriage ride to take us to dinner. About half way through the carriage ride, the coachman said she had to stop to feed Pickles, the horse, and suggested we take photos in front of a beautiful gazebo. As we walked up to the gazebo glowing in the sun and surrounded by bountiful red roses, Patrick got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.”

Apparently her boyfriend had hired a photographer, who was hiding in some nearby bushes and waiting to snap photos of the impossibly perfect moment.
Other stories also feature photographers who were conveniently close by. Some cunning boyfriends even propose to their girlfriends during a photoshoot, to make sure every minute is captured. But could these dreams-come-true be too good to be true?
It’s become a modern cliché to moan about people’s need to feel validated on social media, and accusing brides-to-be of using their proposal story as a ploy to get attention is more than a little bitter. But it’s certainly not unusual to paint a picture on social media of what we think the world wants to see.
In 2016, social media superstar Essena O’Neill shocked her followers by deleted her online presence. The 18-year-old, who had over half a million followers, went public with her reasons for doing so, explaining that she’d found herself in a toxic headspace, addicted to the attention she received from her online fame.

O’Neill admitted that she’d often spend hours of work on a single photo for Instagram, desperately chasing the idea of perfection that was hardly an accurate representation of her life.
At the height of her internet fame, O’Neill claims another social media star—a male model—asked her to be his girlfriend. But according to an interview with The Guardian, it wasn’t a proper relationship he was after. It was the ultimate stunt for attention.
“He referred to a lot of people who were doing just that,” she told The Guardian. “And he said in the industry it is not unheard of to do this, that it is actually really smart and that I should think about it as a business proposal.”
When people are faking entire relationships for the approval of their followers, it might not be too much of a reach to hazard that not every proposal is as perfect as what’s written in the caption.

There’s no denying that sharing an incredibly personal life event—engagement or otherwise—with thousands of strangers is quite the juxtaposition. Then again, aren’t weddings themselves the very personification of intimacy made public?

A marriage is about two people moving their relationship to the next level, and yet we still insist on sharing that very personal decision (and the moments following) with hundreds of other people.

The Wedding Is Still a Fairytale Affair

Modern engagements may be getting more Disney-fied by the minute, but they’re really only setting the stage for what comes next: the big day. Society’s view of relationships and marriage may be changing, but the same trends still hold true.

The fairytale ‘one perfect day’ feeling is still very much there.

A survey by The Knot revealed that the average American wedding costs more than $35,000—a number that was significantly higher than the previous year. In particularly affluent areas like Manhattan, that number sits around $78,000. About $1,500 of that goes toward the bride’s dress.

And if Pinterest’s most popular pins are anything to go by, then white dresses, flower-topped cakes, and pink bridesmaid gowns are still in style.
Of course, not every wedding follows the same formula. Wedding blogger Kat Williams runs Rock n Roll Bride, a website (and magazine!) that showcases unique weddings that capture the individuality of the lucky couple. Many of the couples featured on Rock n Roll Bride have piercings, tattoos, and neon-colored hair—a far cry from the usual white-wedding aesthetic.
Williams says that in her experience, even the most offbeat bride still holds on to a specific fantasy for their big day.

“Even if they’re having a low budget wedding or making things themselves, they still want the day to be perfect, and a reflection of the two of them,” she tells HealthyWay. “The styling of weddings may have moved on a lot on recent years with trends changing and more traditional elements falling out of favor, but the fairytale ‘one perfect day’ feeling is still very much there.”

The Need for Control

When people talk about their wedding, they don’t just share details of the actual day. The engagement is just as much a part of the story. But is a wedding only as good as its proposal?

You can can upgrade a diamond but you can never change a memory.

There are countless articles online that teach women how to get their partners to go about proposing the right way, including how to get the perfect engagement ring.
In fact, online forums are often filled with admissions from brides who admit that not only did they discuss the engagement with their boyfriend at length before being proposed to, but they even picked out the ring together.

In 2015, famed jeweler Tiffany & Co. launched an app for engagement rings. Women can scroll through all of their offerings and even virtually try them on, just to see what a 4-carat rock will look like on their fingers.
There’s no shortage of ways to plan your entire engagement before the idea has even occurred to your partner. Post-engagement planning is even hotter, especially thanks to nearly limitless ideas available on Pinterest. Granted, weddings are big, extravagant, and expensive affairs, and it’s important to plan them properly. But is the need for control usurping the beauty of a surprise proposal?
In Williams’ experience at least, not quite. “Almost all of the proposal stories I hear still have the element of surprise. The real difference is I am seeing a lot more women proposing to men these days though!”
As for staged proposals, Williams says she’s personally never seen any of those.
While the majority of women may not be literally orchestrating their own proposals, there’s no denying the pressure to have the picture perfect day is stronger than ever. How else would companies like The Heart Bandits—self-described “marriage proposal and romantic event planners”—exist?

From custom proposal planning to arranging proposal packages in cities around the world, the service (which requests potential proposers email them for service fees) says, “You can can upgrade a diamond but you can never change a memory.”
For Rocco Marchese (who did not reach out to The Heart Bandits), planning his wedding put a tremendous amount of strain on his relationship with his soon-to-be-wife. The prospect of planning and financing their engagement ring, party and wedding was enough to break them—but not in the way that you’d think.
Instead of letting the stress get the better of them, Marchese suggested that the pair elope.
“We were getting pretty stressed about it and my wife blurted out something like, ‘Do you even think we’ll get married?’ and I had had it,” he says. “I told her, let’s do it now. She was taken back by the comment after we were trying to figure out something memorable to do, since every other wedding in the family was always such a big deal.”

After making sure he really was serious, the pair jumped in his truck and headed straight for the courthouse. Unfortunately, it was closed—so they drove to the next one. They got there 10 minutes before closing, which was just in the nick of time.
“The lady who did our vows actually stayed late and did them in the street of Warrenton, Virginia,” he says.
Is Marchese’s story Instagrammable or Pinterest-worthy? Maybe not. Heart-warming? Absolutely.