Tag: balance

What role should the government play in defining marriage?

When the Supreme Court issued its landmark ruling on same-sex marriage, many Americans considered the issue resolved.
But in early 2017, Alabama’s House Judiciary Committee passed a bill to abolish marriage licenses and replace them with marriage certificates, which wouldn’t require a probate judge’s approval (the measure still needs to be approved by the House to become law). Essentially, the bill’s sponsors want to drastically reduce the government’s role in defining marriage.
Some people want to go even further. Arvin Vohra, Vice Chair of the Libertarian Party, told HealthyWay that government should step completely out of marriage.

We believe that government should have no role at all in marriage.

The Libertarian argument for marriage privatization is based on a simple principle: No one should be forced to sacrifice their own values for the benefit of others. That’s explicitly outlined in their party platform.
Critics of marriage privatization often note that removing government recognition will allow for marriages that might be seen as detrimental to society—a marriage between biological relatives, for instance, or marriages between three or more people.

“Many of the types of marriage that people might more strongly object to are not commonly sought after, and would be a waste of time and money legislating,” Vohra insists. “Many people are interested in polyamorous marriages. Very few are interested in marrying dogs. Creating a law to prevent something already unpopular, which would then require hiring enforcement staff with tax dollars, is a terrible idea.”
Besides, an animal couldn’t consent to a relationship, and under most proposed marriage privatization laws, all involved parties would have to give full consent to the terms of the marriage contract.

Getting government out of custody disputes would mean that people would consider those decision carefully beforehand, instead of relying on an unreliable, government-mismanaged system

Getting rid of marriage would likely cut government expenditures. Vohra says that there’s no need to pay government employees to control marriage—not when people are perfectly capable of entering into marriage contracts by their own free will. He says that privatizing marriage would also reduce the strain on courts by simplifying property and custody disputes.
“Under the current system, custody disputes are a disaster, precisely because people are using a default contract rather than carefully considering what would work best in their case,” Vohra says. “Family court disputes are often ugly, drawn out, and damaging to children. Getting government out of it would mean that people would consider those decision carefully beforehand, instead of relying on an unreliable, government-mismanaged system.”

Abolishing marriage could allow people to make arrangements that fit their values.

“[Getting the] government out of marriage allows marital innovation (e.g. finding ways to make polyamorous marriages work), lowering of spending and taxes, and elimination of the nuisances associated with getting licenses,” Vohra says.
While our attorney source conceded that point, he noted that divorces could quickly become complicated without state marriage laws—potentially to the detriment of stay-at-home partners and their children.

Getting government out of marriage is absolutely a priority.

“Punishing people who want to shape their own marriages because of government’s inability to stop handing out welfare is addressing the wrong side of the equation,” Vohra says. “We support repealing all social welfare programs, including TANF [Temporary Assistance for Needy Families, the program that pays temporary financial assistance to pregnant women and families with dependent children] and Medicaid.”
Would Libertarians wait to abolish marriage until they were able to eliminate those social welfare programs?

“That can happen concurrently, before, or after,” Vohra says, “but we do not believe in holding marital freedom hostage to other considerations. Government has no place in marriage. It also should stop providing any welfare. Either getting government out of marriage or ending welfare would be great steps in the right direction.”
We asked the family law attorney whether he’d agree that government has no place in marriage.
“Well, I’ve honestly never really thought of it,” he says, “but I think that the concept of marriage is so intertwined with civil law and how we treat relationships in courts that it would be highly damaging to have it undone by the stroke of a pen. It would put people in poverty almost immediately.”
He adds that marriage privatization, while an interesting concept, is politically unviable.

We asked whether he sees a political path for complete privatization.
“In terms of practicality, it is politically quite possible,” he says. “There are no major entrenched financial interests that benefit from government involvement in marriage. The largest opposition comes from bigotry, for those who want to enforce their view of marriage on everyone. That group is shrinking in both size and influence, making this somewhere between a political likelihood and a political inevitability.”

I have a complicated relationship with money.

Maybe you’re not surprised by that; I am a millennial, after all. Recently, I wrote about how I used to be good with money—because I didn’t have any to spend. I shared that an increase in income actually revealed I had basically no personal finance skills and that I had a long way to go before I could claim to be “good with money.”

The truth is, making some bad financial decisions and having a decent amount of debt actually forced me to buckle down and start teaching myself a thing or two about saving and spending. It also forced me to address the fact that the way I spend my money is heavily influenced by the people around me and the stuff I see online.

Our generation is actually known for being less motivated by money

The other day, for instance, I finally resold a baby product for half of what I spent after only using it once or twice over the course of a year. It was a bassinet for my newborn, but it was virtually useless. I had only bought it because it looked good in the pictures of so many of the moms I follow on Instagram. I’ve felt ashamed of how easily social media influences how I spend my money, but when I realized this wasn’t just my problem, but a problem unique to my entire generation, I actually felt better.

Knowing that basically everyone my age feels an intense pressure to keep up appearances, both online and in real life, actually gave me a sense power of my choices. I cut back on my spending, I started saving my money and paying off debt, and I started spending less time online.

I also learned a lot about millennial spending and their approach to finances that helped my gain perspective on my own situation and the financial health of the people around me.

Millennials are behind, but it isn’t all their fault.

Before drawing a conclusion about my generation and the state of our finances, I think it is important to be honest about the facts. Many millennials are behind on their financial goals, but it can’t all be blamed on $5 coffees and the iPhone X.

This generation is drowning in student loan debt.

The truth is, our generation is actually known for being less motivated by money and more attracted to jobs that match our personal values, and because of that, we’re not making a whole lot of money.

“While millennials make up the majority of the workforce in North America, they actually earn 20% less than older generations did at the same stage. This is despite better education. This is likely explained by the majority of job-seeking millennials not being motivated by compensation but rather being treated fairly by their employers. They also prefer working for companies that give back to the respective communities and to the world at large,” explains Josh Zimmelman, the President of Westwood Tax & Consulting and respected voice on personal finance.

This generation is also drowning in student loan debt. According to Harvard IOP, 42 percent of millennials have debt from taking out loans to pay for education.

In fact, one recent survey from personal finance website Credible revealed that millennials feel so trapped under the weight of their debt, nearly 50 percent of respondents said they’d be willing to give up their right to vote just to have their student loans forgiven.

Millennials are spending under pressure.

Student loans and low incomes seem to hold a lot of the blame for why millennials are so broke, but there is also some weirdness when it comes to how we spend our money. Like me, many members of this generation feel a weird pressure to keep up the appearance that they aren’t actually broke; social media is one major source of this pressure.

I think that spending money that I don’t have will fix [my life] somehow.

“Social media has created a new set of rules,” says Brett Graff, author of Not Buying It: Stop Overspending and Start Raising Happier, Healthier, More Successful Kids. “It used to be that…the style conscious might consider an outfit for and evening and wonder whether the other dinner guests might have seen it previously. Now, once the outfit is displayed on social media, every single person the trend-setter knows has seen it, meaning it’s dead and new outfits are in order.”

I talked with one millennial, who asked to be kept anonymous, and she admitted she’d made purchases based on what she had seen online on more than one occasion, even when she couldn’t afford it.

“Even though I know that almost everyone only posts the best parts of their lives, I compare ‘the best parts’ of my life and I don’t think they measure up. I think that spending money that I don’t have will fix that somehow,” she tells HealthyWay.

Her admission that her spending is often driven by a quest for fulfillment hit a nerve for me. I often have found myself caught up in comparing my life with what I see online. When I’m feeling my life is a hamster wheel of work, breastfeeding, and diaper changes, it is easy to believe that going out for a fancy dinner, like I saw on a friend’s Instagram the last time I logged on, might bring more excitement to my life. It is easy to get fooled into
thinking that a black romper being promoted by a mommy blogger might make me feel like my own person again, not just someone’s mom.

Psychologists call this the hedonistic treadmill, according to Graff. This cycle of trying to find lasting happiness from things has been scientifically proven to provide no more than a “quick jolt” of happy.

“These [purchases] satisfy what psychologists call ‘extrinsic values,’ meaning satisfaction depends on the approval of other people. To enjoy materialistic goods like new clothes, you need the approval of other people. And working towards those goals make us, as humans, less happy than if we were to work toward intrinsic values, which come within us. Such as learning guitar or how to ski or to meet our own goals and get approval from within.”

According to The Modern Wealth Index, a survey from Koski Research and the Schwab Center for Financial Research that evaluated the wealth-building behaviors of Americans, millennials often know they’re making poor financial choices. When it comes to buying clothes they don’t need, 70 percent fessed up to this habit; 76 percent said they upgrade to the latest technology, like new smartphones. It is easy to wonder if the pressure to keep up appearances are to blame.

It might not be as bad as it seems.

What I found to be most interesting is the evidence that, yes, millennials are struggling financially, but some of that struggle might be sensationalized by mainstream media. For instance, the same Modern Wealth Index that indicated some overspending habits in millennials actually had a lot of positive data about how we are managing our money overall, especially when compared to other generations.

Millennials are just choosing to [splurge] differently than previous generations.

This generation is actually working hard to get on top of their finances, with 34 percent saying they had a written budget—only 21 percent of Generation X said they had a written plan. We’re making progress, too; 39 percent of twenty-somethings and 57 percent of young thirty-somethings saying they were in a better place financially than they were five years ago.

And, although it might be easy to paint a picture of millennials being a materialistic generation, that doesn’t actually seem to be the case. When it comes to spending their money, millennials would actually rather save it for an experience, according to Meredith Hirt, an insights writer at Cassandra, the leading ongoing study of emerging trends, generational insights, and youth behavior.

It might be true that even our experimental spending is influenced by social media, but it’s not accurate to assume it’s all about just accumulating more stuff.

“This doesn’t mean they’re not willing to splurge, they’re just choosing to do so differently than previous generations; they’re not saving up for the flashy sports car, the designer handbag, or the sprawling mansion,” Hirt says. “Instead, they’re spending on festivals, wellness retreats, and food and dining.”

What is the truth about millennials spending?

There seems to be two sides to the coin when it comes to millennials and their money. We’re not exactly thriving: The data does suggests there are more millennial families living in poverty and we know for certain more of us are facing a lot of debt.

But are we really a financially wreckless generation who will do anything “for the ‘gram”? That seems to be an oversimplification. The pressure to spend is certainly there; I’ve experienced it myself and have chatted with friends who admitted to having spent money they didn’t have on something they saw online.

But we’re also not completely unaware nor
are we immobilized in our efforts to change our relationships with money. In fact, the number of millennials with $10,000 or more saved jumped by five percentage points between 2016 and 2017, according to a GoBankingRates survey.

Personally, I think it’s worth noting that we’re the first generation to live our lives online. That’s relevant because there appears to be an adjustment period that comes with that, particularly as advancements in our careers lead to higher purchasing power in a world that’s constantly throwing advertisements and aspirational lifestyles in our faces.

Despite being adults, most millennials are still learning what it means to have to use social media for good and how to draw boundaries between our online and offline lives.

Although I’ve felt frustrated, or even ashamed, of my spending habits in the past and the reputation my generation has when it comes to money, I don’t feel that way anymore. My own personal progress, and the data that suggests my experience is reflective of the rest of the generation, seems to argue that millennials aren’t a financially inept generation destined for financial ruin. We’re a work in progress, and I’m more than okay with that.

Call me old-fashioned, but I always wanted to change my name when I got married. In middle school, I doodled hearts around my first name paired with the various last names of boys I had crushes on. I made my parents drive me to the movie theater in a blizzard the weekend Titanic was released and bawled my eyes out when Rose used Jack’s last name at the end of the film. (Rose may have let you sink to the bottom of the Atlantic, Jack, but I’ll never let go!)

When I was 14, the idea that my husband and I would share a name—and share that name with our future children—was ultra romantic.

When I actually did get married last year, just after my thirtieth birthday, I realized that it was going to be a lot harder for me to change my name than I thought. I’m not talking about the paperwork (although that is reason enough to keep your name if you’re not in the mood for a hassle).

The biggest problem with changing your name is that it can weaken the integrity of your professional network.

Changing my name ended up being a pretty emotional experience for me. I mean, I’ve been known as Katie Raye Phillips for 30 years. I was afraid that if I changed my name, I’d lose that identity. I loved my fiancé very much, but I was nervous about becoming Katie Martin.

I knew Katie Raye Phillips. But Katie Martin? Who was that girl?

The Knot reports that as many as 86 percent of women still change their name after marriage, but the number of women who choose to keep their name is on the rise.

And those women may be onto something.

Here’s why changing your name when you get married can actually be a terrible idea:

What’s in a name?

Quite a bit, especially in the digital age.

Almost everyone these days has an online presence of some kind. If your online identity is tied to your career, a name change can be a major headache.

I’d still have my career in digital marketing to tend to and everyone knows me by my name. To introduce yet another name would only confuse my contacts, and I’d basically have to start from scratch.

WeddingDresses.com editor and community manager Sophie Darling tells HealthyWay, “The biggest problem with changing your name is that it can weaken the integrity of your professional network.”

“I was married last year but I see no benefit to changing my last name. I have built a brand and network using my maiden name, which is VERY memorable: BACON. I have a master’s degree in my own name, and even if I were to have children, unlikely, I still see no benefit to changing my name. I’d still have my career in digital marketing to tend to and everyone knows me by my name. To introduce yet another name would only confuse my contacts, and I’d basically have to start from scratch,” says Cari Bacon, an SEO specialist and founder of Digital Marketing Darlings.

Changing my name professionally meant potentially losing years of personal branding and SEO

Tracy Bagatelle-Black, founder of Bagatelle Black Public Relations, agrees. “My maiden name was Tracy Bagatelle and I married a man with the last name Black. There was no way, especially as an established publicist, that I was going to lose my unique identity so I compromised and went with the name Tracy Bagatelle-Black. …Later, we got divorced but I kept the hyphenated name because that was now my professional brand.”

Jessica Thiele, a marketing manager for tech company Virtual Logistics, also decided not to change her name when she married. “By the time we got married, my husband was 30 and I was 29, and at that point I had already established my professional persona as Jessica Thiele; changing my name now meant more than the symbolic gesture. Aside from the legal hurdles and the fact that the digital economy now means my name is tied to countless accounts, social media properties, and more, it’s now my personal brand. Changing my name professionally meant potentially losing years of personal branding and SEO.”

If you searched online for just my first and last name, several people came up that were not me, including an amateur model and a congressional candidate.

When your name is tied to your personal brand and online presence, it makes sense to forgo a name change, but what if your last name is one of the most common surnames in America?

Brianna Brailey recently married and chose to change her name, which she saw as a professional opportunity, not a setback:

“My maiden name was very common, and my first and last name combination was fairly common as well. If you searched online for just my first and last name, several people came up that were not me, including an amateur model and a congressional candidate. The domain name of my first and last name was already taken, as were several social media handles. As far as I can tell, I’m the only Brianna Brailey on the internet now.”

Some surnames are inherently more catchy than others (usually ones with fewer syllables), and if you’re trying to break out into a market or even rebrand your existing business, a name change can actually be beneficial.

Darling agrees, and tells HealthyWay there could be professional benefits for women who choose to change their names after marriage.

“A name change could be just what you need if you’re trying to market that name and aren’t satisfied with your own. Some surnames are inherently more catchy than others (usually ones with fewer syllables), and if you’re trying to break out into a market or even rebrand your existing business, a name change can actually be beneficial. Since many women today run their own businesses (especially compared to in the past), there is definitely potential value here.”

Brailey, who is just starting out professionally, didn’t receive any negative fallout from her name change professionally. “The majority of my clients for my side business—design and brand consultation—know me personally, so the name change was no issue.”

A rose by any other name…

Starting in the 15th cent
ury, women began to take their husband’s surname to show that they were joined together as one entity. Prior to that, women typically didn’t have a surname because they were considered property.

Yikes.

I don’t want to judge other women who do change their name, but I know it colors my perception that they may be less independent and less feminist.

Given the history of why women change their names after marriage, it’s easy to see why women today might want to keep their own surnames.

Janet Ferone, a former National Organization for Women (NOW) chapter president, felt that changing her name went against her principles:

“While it certainly is more convenient to keep my name … the main reason I didn’t consider changing it is that it is MY name, and as a feminist it makes no sense to change it. Also, as an only child, I wanted to continue the family name. The only consideration to changing it that I would give is if my husband added my last name and I added his, but that seems a bit unwieldy. I don’t want to judge other women who do change their name, but I know it colors my perception that they may be less independent and less feminist.”

…is still a rose, right?

Okay, so that’s not exactly what Shakespeare wrote. But does changing your name after marriage really change your identity, as Ferone suggests?

Darling says that “traditions resonate strongly with many people, and although society is gradually breaking from the more outdated ones, a lot of women still prefer to change their name after marriage.”

Ultimately, tradition is what led me to change my name from Phillips to Martin. I very much wanted to share a last name with my children. However, I’m pretty attached to my middle name. Instead of dropping my middle name and going by my first, maiden, and new last names, I chose to become Katie Raye Martin instead. This way, I kept my personal identity intact, while also taking my husband’s last name.

Are the children her kids? His kids? Is this a second marriage?

Ferone admits there are some reasons why a woman might want to legally change her name after marriage. “The only benefit I see to changing one’s name is having the same last name as my husband and son as a family unit. …I’m used to answering to my husband’s last name at our son’s school and am comfortable with that, as it’s hard for schools to keep track of all the names a family might use.”

Children are what prompted Attorney Jody Leighty (née Anderson) to change her name, despite keeping her married name for professional reasons at first.

“I changed my name once I had children. I felt that it was important for all of us to have the same name. I believed that if my name was different from my husband’s and my children, there would be confusion and questions. Are the children her kids? His kids? Is this a second marriage? So at that time, I changed my name, using my maiden name as my middle name and always using my first, middle and last name on all correspondence, business cards, marketing materials, etc.”

This is a perfect consensus for our relationship and my career.

Leighty acknowledges that her name change hasn’t been easy. “Fifteen years later, some people still get confused, particularly because I never changed my work email address, so it still references my maiden name. And quite frankly a lot of people just still think of me as Jody Anderson, and not Jody Leighty.”

Thiele, too, found a compromise in changing her name.

“My husband and I pivoted our ‘last name’ conversation; I am no longer changing my name, but our children will bear his name. This is a perfect consensus for our relationship and my career.”

If you do want to change your name, here’s how:

Unfortunately, changing your name is more tedious and time consuming than filing TPS reports.

First, you’ll need an official copy of your marriage license, which can be obtained from the clerk’s office of the county in which you were married. (Sidenote: Make sure your witnesses sign both copies of the license, otherwise you could be waiting weeks before a copy of your marriage license can be mailed. Trust me, I know from experience.)

After you get a copy of your marriage license, visit the Social Security Administration online or in person to fill out the necessary paperwork. You’ll also need proof of your U.S. citizenship, like a birth certificate or passport, and a form of identification such as your driver’s license. Once you receive your new social security card (with the same number, just a new name), you can change your driver’s license, which will also require two forms of identification, proof of address, and a certified copy of your marriage license.

Now that all your official identification has been changed, you can change your name on your banking information, credit cards, bills, and magazine subscriptions. Most require you to actually make a phone call to customer service to change the name on your account, but it’s usually a quick and easy process.

If you’re content with that identity or need to retain it for professional reasons, you should keep it.

Or, if you don’t have the time, use a service like MissNowMrs or HitchSwitch, which takes your documents and information to complete the name change process for you, hassle-free.

Whether you decide to change your name is up to you.

As a wedding expert who’s seen dozens of women contemplate a name change, Darling has this advice: “The bottom line is that a name is a big part of your identity, especially today as that name is pushed into the public eye at an earlier age than ever before. If you’re content with that identity or need to retain it for professional reasons, you should keep it. And if you’d like to change things up, you can consider a hyphenated last name or you can take your spouse’s.”

Jaimie Seaton is looking forward to the day when she can cut ties with social media. Because she’s a freelance journalist, social platforms are the New Englander’s lifeblood. They’re places where she finds work and makes crucial connections.
But they’re also slowly eroding Seaton’s mental health.
“When I was in Thailand [on vacation], I didn’t look at Twitter for two weeks and noticed a marked change in my mood,” Seaton says. “I was calmer, less anxious. I was more in the moment. If I were not a writer trying to get an agent, I would delete Twitter and never look again.”

Seaton is far from alone; 8 in 10 Americans are now on some form of social media, according to figures from Pew Research Center, and some 35 percent of job seekers have used social media to help in their job search.
With social media dominating our everyday lives, it’s no wonder scientists are turning their eyes on the sites that keep Americans fixated every day. The bad news? They’re with Seaton: If you’re not careful, social media can do a number on your mental health.

How can you keep your head above water? Here’s a look at how to juggle social media and your mental health.

Nothing compares to you.

When Dr. Brian Feinstein and his then-colleagues at the State University of New York at Stony Brook did a deep dive into the effects social networking could have on how people feel about themselves, the experts found something particularly troubling.

I get really, really triggered, feeling like everyone has it better than me, has done better than me, is better than me

Social media friends can provide connections. Then again, the researchers found, they can set us up to feel pretty awful about ourselves.
You know the friend who’s always posting photos of his fabulous vacations to far-flung places or sharing funny anecdotes about her picture-perfect spouse? If you shut down your laptop and you’re still thinking about that beach house that you’ll never be able to afford, it could be a sign of trouble ahead.

“Some people who compare themselves to others on social media sites struggle to ‘let go’ of these comparisons and, instead of actively coping with their emotions or the problem at hand, they continue to focus on how they compare to others,” Feinstein says.
Sybil Sanchez admits she’s one of those ruminators. A marketing manager who uses social media regularly for her job, Sanchez says she can find it hard to walk away from her personal feed, but too much time online will pull her down into a depression.

I get really, really triggered, feeling like everyone has it better than me, has done better than me, is better than me,” Sanchez says.

While it may seem like other people are always doing fun and exciting things, it is likely that they are just choosing to share these experiences rather than the more mundane or negative ones.

Clearly she’s not alone. Then again, a handful of studies and surveys indicate that most of our friends’ droolworthy posts and pictures are carefully constructed fakes anyway.
A LearnVest survey, for example, uncovered the fact that at least a third of guys are posting fake vacation shots to Instagram to make it seem like they were staying or eating at someplace a whole lot fancier than their real getaway. Another survey by British marketing firm Custard found that just 18 percent of people think their profiles are an accurate portrayal of their lives…the rest “dress things up a bit” to sound better.

If you’re stuck on social, Feinstein says to keep all that fakery in mind.
“What others share on social media sites are just snapshots of their lives, and these snapshots tend to focus on their positive experiences and successes,” he says. “While it may seem like other people are always doing fun and exciting things, it is likely that they are just choosing to share these experiences rather than the more mundane or negative ones.”
So take everything with a grain of salt. And if you’re feeling jealous of that beach vacation, remember you’re just seeing the happy moments, not the time their toddler smacked them upside the head with a shovel.

Too Much of a Good Thing

The more time Jody Allard spends on social media, the more she feels depressed.
“I’ve noticed that social media use leaves me depressed, even if I’m not reading anything upsetting, so I try to be very mindful of that impact,” Allard says.

When Allard, who’s the editor of a Seattle parenting magazine, feels the connection dragging her down, she takes a self-mandated break from social, cutting the amount of time she spends on any one platform. That’s a wise move, according to the scientists who study social media.
Being aware of how social media affects you is important, and so is how much you use it, says Dr. Brian Primack, director of the Center for Research on Media, Technology, and Health at University of Pittsburgh. Primack and a team of researchers looked at social media and isolation and found that the more you used, the more social isolation you felt. Specifically, using social media for more than two hours a day put study subjects at twice the risk of perceived social isolation than that of subjects who spent less than half an hour on the platforms every day.

“People who were in the top quarter for frequency checking social media—compared with those in the lowest quarter—were about three times as likely to have perceived social isolation,” Primack says.
Primack is the first to say social media is a valuable tool, and he doesn’t advocate cutting all ties. Instead, he suggests his team’s work can be seen as a “cautionary tale” that reminds people to do what Allard does: Monitor their time on social media and the way it makes them feel. If you’re noticing ill effects, cut back!

Can’t Live With You, Can’t Live Without You

Sometimes the social networking problem isn’t what’s going on when you are online. It’s what’s going on when you’re not.

Ever lost your phone or been unable to access your data plan—even for just a few hours—and gone into full blown panic? Then you’ve probably experienced FOMO, a term psychologists coined to describe the apprehension some people feel when they’re disconnected from social media and missing out on what their friends are up to.
Short for “fear of missing out,” FOMO has become so prevalent that it has even been added to the dictionary. But don’t let the cute nickname fool you: Doctors say FOMO is directly linked to mood issues and lower overall life satisfaction.
FOMO is a tricky beast, because even as the experts tell us we should spend more time away from our social networks, the time offline can be what fuels our anxiety.

Primack sees this often with people who feel socially isolated already, people who turn to social sites to increase their social circles.
“This ‘self-medication’ doesn’t seem to be working so well,” he says. “On the other hand, it may be that people who use a lot of social media don’t have as much time for more fulfilling direct social experiences. It may also be that people who use social media a lot tend to feel like everyone else is strongly connected to each other. Then, in comparison, they might feel that they themselves are more socially isolated.”
The experts haven’t settled on one easy trick for kicking FOMO, although Feinstein points back to being aware that most of your friends are cultivating an online profile that may sound a whole lot better than the real thing.
His advice? Get out and do some of the activities that your friends post about. It’ll help take your mind off your social network and kick those comparisons you might feel when you’re online.

Alaina Leary, a social media manager from Boston, offers this trick too: If you’ve got to be on social media, forget connections with the people who make you feel better. Leary has Ehlers–Danlos syndrome, a connective tissue disorder, so she’s joined disability-specific communities where she has the freedom she doesn’t always have with non-disabled friends.
“I follow a lot of people who inspire me to be better, to practice self-love, to be radically vulnerable and radically myself. And I like and need that positivity in my life!” Leary says.

Leary’s idea is similar to the advice Feinstein offers for people who are struggling to find a balance between the benefits of social and a healthy mental space.
“It may be helpful to use social media for specific purposes (e.g., to share an interesting article, to send a message to a friend), while minimizing the amount of time spent reading what other people are doing,” he offers.
In other words? Even the experts know social media is here to stay, and it has its benefits. But like most things, it’s best used in moderation.

When you’re juggling work, family, and health, efficiency is key. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day, so you can’t afford to waste time.
Fortunately, by working smarter, you can cut down on the time you spend cleaning, organizing, and kitchen prepping. These products should help.
1. Window Blind Dust Cleaner
You could dust your blinds with a single rag, but you’ll end up spending a ton of time on this relatively minor task. Instead, pick up one of these clever dusters and cut your cleaning time down dramatically.

I love babies. I have wanted to be a mother ever since I can remember. I knew that when I wound up getting married, my partner would have to feel the same.
That’s why, when things got serious with my now-husband, we had a frank conversation about kids.

You have to try and find that balance. Take care of both yourselves as a couple and your children’s needs, and that greatly improves the happiness factor for the entire family.

We both agreed that we wanted children and decided that after we got married, we wanted to start a family immediately. Fortunately, we agreed on most topics: religious preference, public vs. private schools, how we’d divide time between grandparents, etc. But many couples don’t see eye to eye on these topics, and what’s worse is they often don’t realize how out of alignment they are until children enter the picture and the issues come up.

This can be especially hard on kids, who get caught in the middle when parents disagree on important issues. Lisa Helfend Meyer, certified specialist in family law and founding partner of Los Angeles–based Meyer, Olson, Lowy & Meyers, weighs in: “I have seen other situations when parents don’t see eye to eye on such things as discipline. One sets limits and the other doesn’t.”
She goes on to tell HealthyWay, “These kids can end up in therapeutic boarding schools, have eating disorders, substance abuse problems, are self-injurious etc.”

“I’ve seen the negative outcomes when too much emphasis is placed on one [parenting choice] or the other. You have to try and find that balance. Take care of both yourselves as a couple and your children’s needs, and that greatly improves the happiness factor for the entire family,” says Dr. Gary Brown, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles who works with couples who are contemplating pregnancy, already expecting, or are new parents.

Have a frank conversation about kids with your partner.

It can be hard, but couples should be completely open and honest with each other when discussing whether they want to have kids.

If couples cannot come to agreement about non-negotiable issues, they should consider getting professional help before getting pregnant. A professional may help them find a solution…

Elisabeth Stitt of Joyful Parenting Coaching says, “Couples should not only talk about big issues, they should talk about lower level details as much as they are able, as well. Obviously, it can be hard to know how you feel about some these things before you actually have kids, but exploring issues thoroughly is the best chance for couples to find out if there are any non-negotiable issues.

“If couples cannot come to agreement about non-negotiable issues, they should consider getting professional help before getting pregnant. A professional may help them find a solution—or may help the couple see that though they love each other, their ideas on how to undertake the most important task they will do as a couple are so different, the relationship is likely to break under the strain (which sets kids up for the stresses of divorce, two households, etc.).”
Therapist Kelley Kitley agrees that couples can benefit from professional professional help when having tough conversations.
However you decide to approach a conversation about having children with your partner, relationship experts recommend asking these key questions to determine whether you’re ready to start a family.

1. What is the honest state of our relationship?

Brown recommends answering the following question together: “Is our relationship firmly established and stable enough to bring a baby into the world? Or, are we a high-conflict couple that maybe needs to get some help before we even think about bringing a baby into the world?”
This can be a tough conversation to have with your partner, so Kitley suggests reading The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. “It helps to lay the foundation and manage expectations about how we give and receive love that oftentimes can create conflict during the initial stages of having a baby.”

Brown continues, “When building a home you want to make sure you have a solid foundation. Right?! Well, having a family is the same thing. In much the same way, having these early … conversations helps to build the foundation of your future family. It’s important because you and your partner need to come to some understandings about how you both view parenting, including not only the impact of parenting on your future children but also the potential impact on your marriage.”

2. Are we financially ready for a child?

Unfortunately, bringing your little bundle of joy into the world comes with a hefty price tag. The average total cost of raising a child through the age of 18 is just over $200,000! Many couples are on the same page about wanting children but aren’t prepared financially.

Instead of grabbing sushi after working past nine, one or both of you have to leave the office and relieve the nanny or pick up from daycare.

New York–based therapist Dr. Kimberly Hershenson recommends that couples “look at current finances and future earning potential as well as future goals such as where they would like to live. The age of the couple should also be discussed. Based on these factors, the couple can decide when they’d like to ideally start trying … how much money they would need to feel secure in terms of family planning.”
Meyer says that there are also emotional implications tied to the financial strain of having children. “Having a child means lots of sacrifices and compromises. No longer can you spend your discretionary income on romantic getaways to Bora Bora. Instead of grabbing sushi after working past nine, one or both of you have to leave the office and relieve the nanny or pick up from daycare.”

If you aren’t ready to make those kinds of sacrifices or you already resent the lifestyle change a child would bring, Meyer recommends waiting to start a family until both partners are emotionally ready to make these financial changes.

3. How will we make time for ourselves after we have a child?

Many couples don’t realize just how dramatically life changes after having children.

If couples are not purposeful about their time together without the children, this will be a real problem after the last one leaves the nest.

Family therapist Thomasine Shepard says, “Having a baby takes a toll on marriages, and talking about how a couple will stay connected is crucial and often overlooked because parents are understandably focused on baby only.”
Dr. Jim Seibold, a family therapist based in Arlington, Texas, recommends couples discuss how they plan to balance couple and family time. “This is such an important discussion for future parents to have. [Making couple time a priority] is a challenge as long as children are living at home. When they are young, there is often a hesitancy to leave the children at home with a family member or babysitter.

“Often couples will presume that it will get easier as the kids get older. However, as they get older, they become more involved with outside activities—sports, dance, music, friends spending the night, etc. If couples are not purposeful about their time together without the children, this will be a real problem after the last one leaves the nest.”

4. What kind of birth experience do we want to have?

Seibold says couples should ask themselves,“How do we want to have kids?” before even thinking about what labor and delivery will be like.

…what if their preference is no longer an option? For example, if a couple is unable to conceive naturally, are they open to adoption, IVF, surrogate, etc.?

He continues, “There are several options that are available to people. Of course none of which are guarantees! Would couples prefer to have children biologically or would they rather adopt or foster children? In addition, what if their preference is no longer an option? For example, if a couple is unable to conceive naturally, are they open to adoption, IVF, surrogate, etc.? It would be important that couples understand each other’s expectations here.”

Once you decide how you will start your family, you and your partner can move on to discussing what you envision for the actual birth experience if you plan to have biological children. Will you see an OB-GYN or a midwife? Will you deliver with or without medication? Will you hire a doula to assist with labor? How about breastfeeding? While many couples let the future mama dictate the birth process (and she should be vocal about what she wants!) partners should take joint ownership of bringing their child into the world.

5. How involved will our parents be?

Ah, grandparents. Parents and in-laws each want their time with the grandkids. Even if you have a great relationship with your parents and in-laws, splitting time between so many people can be difficult. Not to mention how you’ll handle situations in which grandparents ignore your parenting rules (like no sugar before bedtime!), so it’s important to discuss how involved grandparents or other extended family will be in your future child’s life.

…focus on having fulfilling relationships with your family.

“This can be a trouble spot when couples come from different family types. For example, one parent comes from a family that is very close and involved. They grow up spending a lot of time with each other. On the other hand, the other parent grows up in a more disconnected family. They may only get together occasionally. This can also become a point of contention between parents, whether it is about how much time they spend together informally or differing expectations about holiday time,” says Seibold.
Ultimately, Hershenson says couples must “find acceptance in your decision regarding children.”

If you and your partner disagree on key parenting topics, it doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t ready for children or that your relationship is doomed. Hershenson continues, “What you can change is your attitude. Find gratitude in what you do have in your life (family, career) and focus on having fulfilling relationships with your family.”

As you scroll through the J. Crew clearance section at work this morning, we have a thought for you to consider.

Many CEOs, entrepreneurs, and even a former President of the United States of America shun variety and stick to one simple outfit when they dress in the morning.

We’ll let the 44th president explain the phenomenon.

“You’ll see I wear only gray or blue suits,” President Obama told Vanity Fair in 2012. “I’m trying to pare down decisions. I don’t want to make decisions about what I’m eating or wearing. Because I have too many other decisions to make.”

That’s right. Even Mr. Obama, who oozed personality and style and was photographed constantly—and presumably had access to whatever wardrobe he wanted—chose not to choose. And it worked for him.

President Obama and other successful people know the benefits of avoiding “decision fatigue.”

The strange occurrence takes place when a person’s decision-making ability deteriorates after they’ve had to make too many choices. By eliminating less important decisions throughout the day (like what to eat and how to dress), a person can save mental energy for the decisions that really matter.
Roy F. Baumeister, a social psychologist at Florida State University, says that every decision requires a little bit of willpower.

“It’s the same willpower that you use to be polite or to wait your turn or to drag yourself out of bed or to hold off going to the bathroom,” he told The New York Times.
He continued, “Your ability to make the right investment or hiring decision may be reduced simply because you expended some of your willpower earlier when you held your tongue in response to someone’s offensive remark or when you exerted yourself to get to the meeting on time.” Or, to a lesser extent, when you spent 20 minutes deciding which pair of shoes would impress your boss.

Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, also embraces one steadfast outfit.

Zuckerberg is rarely seen in anything other than his signature gray t-shirt and jeans. When someone asked him at a Q and A why he wears the same t-shirt every day, he responded, “I really want to clear my life to make it so that I have to make as few decisions as possible about anything except how to best serve this community.”

Simplifying your wardrobe could benefit you in surprising ways.

Becker said wearing one outfit had multiple benefits. As he had hoped, it reduced his decision fatigue. But it also allowed him to wear what looked good on him and minimize his wardrobe.

So start wearing what looks good on you without worrying about variety!
While you’re at it, let your friends or significant other choose which restaurant you eat at or what TV show you watch after work from time to time. That small act just might help you perform better when making more meaningful decisions.