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Happy x Mindful Wellbeing

How We Pick Up Our Parents' Problems (And How To Break The Chain)

I see it, she sees it, others see it. From mannerisms to physical appearance to the way we structure our days, I’m just like my mom. It was noticeable when I was young, but when I became a mom, our similarities skyrocketed.
In many ways, I feel myself yearning to be more like her. She was, and still is, a wonderful mother, and I find myself hoping I can be a tenth of the mother she was. Yet I unfortunately share some of her faults. They seem inherent and something I can’t really escape.
But am I like her because I want to be? Or did I watch her battle her demons and somehow take them on through osmosis? Or did nature and nurture collided at some point and made me a mini of my mom?

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Some sons grow to be like their fathers, and some daughters find themselves embodying their mothers. Other daughters grow to be like their fathers, sons their mothers. This isn’t always the case, but there is a strong likelihood that the problems our parents face will resurface in our own lives—unless we work hard to chart a new path.

The Family Projection Process

Therapy is a pretty new division within the medical community. In fact, 100 or so years ago, it was virtually unheard of. Then, bright minds like Murray Bowen came onto the scene. Bowen was a psychiatrist and a professor at Georgetown University throughout the latter half of the 20th century. He is considered a pioneer in family therapy, a founder of systemic therapy, and the first to describe the family projection process: “the primary way parents transmit their emotional problems to a child.”

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“The idea is relatively straightforward,” says Matthew Mutchler, PhD, a psychology professor and licensed marriage and family therapist. “Every person has anxiety about themselves—what we wish was different about us, what we like, what we don’t, what triggers us … When we become parents, the way we raise our children reflects these anxieties—we’re trying to raise them not to have them. Unfortunately, they usually pick them up anyway, if in slightly different ways. So when those children grow up, they have similar anxieties about themselves that their parents did and end up parenting in a similar way.”
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It’s not something we necessarily aim to do—perhaps it’s something we’re actually aiming not to do—but it still happens. As described by the Bowen Center for the Study of the Family, parents worry that their young children have something wrong with them, perceive that they do, then treat them differently as a result. Eventually, the child “grows to embody their fears and perceptions.” It happens so seamlessly that without an intentional break in the cycle, the cycle persists through generations.
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For example, I am not a strong swimmer. To be completely honest, I’m probably considered more of a sinker. My mom also isn’t a pro in the water. She never liked this about herself, and she actually put me in private lessons for quite some time, but it never caught on. I learned to swim, yet I never learned to be confident in my abilities. Her anxiety passed to me, and now I’m in the boat of trying to break a generational pattern with my own children.

Pressure to Follow in Your Parents’ Footsteps

At an early age, we are compelled to be like our family. Being like them makes us fit in—and fitting in is something everyone yearns for. That sense of belonging is crucial to our confidence and our ability to pursue brave steps in becoming who we hope to be.

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The pressure we feel to be like our parents is at odds with another subject Bowen taught called differentiation of self. The concept refers to a person’s ability to separate their own thoughts and emotions from their family’s.
“When a child starts to become more independent in their teenage and young adult years, families may overtly or covertly punish them—withdrawal of attention, finances, approval—for being different,” says Mutchler. “There are several predictable ways people respond to this. One, they give in and act/become ‘more like’ the family; two, they have a lot of conflict, often dramatic, with the family; and three, they cut off—emotionally, physically, or both—from the family.”
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Regarding Mutchler’s first example: We see many children choose the same or very similar careers as their parents. Police officers have children who admire their service role in the community and choose to become police officers, firefighters, or EMTs. Teachers birth teachers. Entrepreneurs, you guessed it, raise little dreamers and innovators. Subconsciously, children feel pressure to please their parents, and parents sometimes encourage values that reflect their own.
In the second example, it seems like the argumentative child is differentiating, but Mutchler says this conflict “creates what we call the ‘illusion of difference.’ Because of the way our culture views conflict in families, the assumption made by all is that by fighting, we are different, and the more I fight, the more I am asserting my difference. However, we are engaging our family members in the same way they are engaging us. Thus, even in our act of trying to fight it, we are becoming like them.”
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In the third example, it is assumed that by creating distance—emotionally or physically—difference is established, but really it’s just a fruition of the family projection process. That is, the parents’ problems have been reflected so strongly upon the child that the child finds it necessary to completely separate themselves from that influence.
“The more intense the family projection process has been, the more intense the adolescent rebellion,” according to Bowen Center for the Study of the Family.


Bowen’s theories point out that the individual that cuts off their parental relationship often transfers the issues they experienced with their parents to other relationships.: “… the more a man cuts off from his family of origin, the more he looks to his spouse, children, and friends to meet his needs.”

A Parent’s Role

It’s practically impossible to live in an environment and not adopt what we see. We witness this so often with young children as they learn to speak, walk, and gesture. They absorb and mimic everything around them: the good, the bad, and the ugly.
“It’s impossible not to be [shaped] by our parents—after all, that’s the entire definition of parenting, to shape and grow your child until (and perhaps even after, for better or worse) adulthood,” says Lauren Drago, a licensed mental health counselor.
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According to Drago, whether intentional or not, our ideas of relationships, communication, emotions, worth, and scarcity mindset all come from our parents.
“Could you imagine spending 18 years with one thing daily and not being immensely, life-alteringly changed by it?” she asks. “It would be impossible. And that’s exactly why we end up picking up the habits, mindsets, and mentalities of our parents, despite our best efforts.”
But what’s the layer beneath all of it? You often hear the question of nature or nurture, but there is a third component to consider: culture.
Let’s face it, genetics are wild. I have three sons, and when I look at my husband’s baby and childhood photos, I see my boys. They are like their dad in so many ways. Similarly, my husband resembles his dad down to details like his hairline and muscular calves. Add in the nurture component, and it’s no surprise that my boys are loud, boisterous, and sensitive, with a love for the outdoors…just like their dad and grandpa.

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“What we know is that we’re all some perfect combination of our biological predispositions and the qualities that have been honed over time through our environmental influences,” says Drago.
Our parents are perhaps our greatest environmental influence—they definitely are in our youth. They’re the ones who put in the hours to shape and nurture us. But as we mature, culture begins to share that load with our parents. No longer are our parents the only ones planting ideas, speaking truth (and lies), and guiding us to develop habits. This is where you’ll see a conservative parent and a liberal child or a rural couple with children concentrated in the big city. Nature and nurture are the foundation, but at some point, culture sweeps in and creates a trifecta of influence that begins to explain who we are.
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If you pause and assess yourself, it’s pretty obvious to see how a combination of nature, nurture, and culture have shaped who you are. Since our parents are influenced by the same trio, it makes sense that who they are filters into the next generation.

But, at the end of the day, is it bad to be like your mom or dad?

“It’s important to consider that it might not be negative to be like our parents,” says Mutchler. “No family is perfect, but most have strengths that can be helpful for us.”

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Assessing the benefits and drawbacks of being like our parents is an exercise in self-awareness—it provokes complex questions and thus calls for time and attention. Looking inward, I’m sure you’ll find similarities between you and your parents—some you’ll like, and some you’ll want to change. In the latter case, Mutchler advises that you determine what trait you want instead and practice that new habit diligently.
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Even though odds says you will turn out to be much like your parents, don’t discount your willpower to overcome great hardships, thanks to self-reflection and professional counseling. If you set your mind to it, you can turn out to be the opposite of your parents, if you so choose.
But in your reflection, be sure to note how you are your own distinct person, too. You’re not a carbon-copy, despite the influence nature, nurture, and culture had on your life.

Categories
Wellbeing

Patients And Surgeons Reveal The Realities Of Plastic Surgery

“Ultimately for me, it’s a very small change—smoothes out my forehead lines—that makes a huge difference in my confidence,” says Maria Peterson, a full-time mom who also has a full-time profession outside the home. And Peterson isn’t the only one exploring the world of plastic surgery these days. From minor “tweakments” to major overhauls, the American Society of Plastic Surgeons reported that in 2016, there were 17.1 million procedures.
Let that soak in: 17.1 million. So if you have had plastic surgery, you’re not alone. And if you are considering it, well, there is a big family waiting to embrace you.

Despite its popularity, plastic surgery doesn’t come free of risks. In fact, there are quite a few categories that need special attention when it comes to pursuing surgical repairs, enhancements, and cosmetic treatments.

The Person Behind the Knife

Perhaps it seems obvious, but in order to better ensure a successful outcome with surgery, it is essential to choose a qualified surgeon. But, for one reason or another, not everyone does.

Joshua Zuckerman, MD, of Zuckerman Plastic Surgery, tells HealthWay, “Unfortunately there are non-plastic surgeons performing surgical procedures that should only be performed by a board-certified plastic surgeon.” For many, seeing an “MD” behind a name is enough to assume qualification. But the medical field is vast, and you might not want someone trained in family practice to be the person behind the proverbial (and actual) knife.

Unqualified doctors have also taken to social media to procure patients, and unfortunately, many have become quite come popular. Most accounts using plastic surgery-related hashtags are not qualified and thus, a dangerous choice. Beware!

Dimes and Dollars

No doubt, plastic surgery comes at a hefty price tag: anywhere from a couple hundred to thousands of dollars depending on the extent of the procedure. Since the majority of insurance companies do not (or do not fully) cover elective procedures, it makes sense that those seeking surgery would shop around a bit to find the best price.

It’s dangerous to skimp when it comes to plastic surgery, though. You have to ask yourself, “When I pay less, what am I getting less of?” People sometimes consider getting plastic surgery overseas due to significantly higher prices in the United States.

Zuckerman feels this is one of the biggest dangers of plastic surgery: “There are serious complications and deaths regularly from routine surgeries performed in the Caribbean and South America in locations such as the Dominican Republic or Colombia,” he says. When it comes to surgery, choose a board-certified surgeon in the U.S. to greatly reduce risk.

Breaking Habits

During the summer of 2017, Alicia Goveia decided to have a breast augmentation.
“It encouraged me to get into the best shape of my life prior to surgery and stop smoking! This was to ensure the best physical result and lessen any surgical risk,” she tells HealthyWay. “[My surgeon told me] smoking increases your risk by 800 percent.” And Goveia’s surgeon is absolutely correct.

When it comes to plastic surgery, smoking is a huge cause for concern. Smoking constricts blood vessels, which inhibits healing. It can also complicate anesthesia. Many plastic surgeons require complete cessation six weeks prior to surgery to avoid dangerous outcomes, as well as a timeframe after to ensure proper recovery.

Risk Assessment

It’s one thing to undergo surgery for an inflamed appendix or a worsening heart condition; it’s another to choose a surgical procedure that is considered elective. Franziska Huettner, MD, PhD, a board-certified plastic surgeon, highlights the following as some of the top dangers and risk of choosing plastic surgery:

  • Bleeding (hematoma)
  • Infection
  • Asymmetry
  • Wound healing complications
  • Paralysis (nerve damage)
  • Need for revision surgery
  • Pain
  • Scar formation
  • Skin depigmentation
  • Skin necrosis
  • Anesthetic/perioperative complications like blood clot formation, heart attack, stroke, and in very rare cases, fatal complications

As with all medical procedures, from life-saving to elective, there is a risk/benefit analysis that every doctor and patient must draft and evaluate before proceeding. Complications are rare, but they do happen, and it’s important to fully understand that you could experience one of these temporary or long-term dangers.

In the spring of 2017, Aimee Wood had a breast reduction surgery. Since then, she has had six follow up procedures due to complications. Her complications have not only been painful, but they have also forced her to take additional time off work. Wood says she doesn’t regret her surgery, but given the opportunity to re-do everything, she would have chosen a different surgeon who listened more. Now, she is with a new team and hopefully on the mend for good.

A Somewhat Mysterious Outcome

Plastic surgery has come a long way, but it has not been perfected. Not everyone has the results they hope for. Although plastic surgeons are quite skilled in their expertise, they cannot guarantee a specific outcome. And, as Huettner shared, some surgeries lead to subsequent revisions.

The goal should be to partner with a surgeon and together, mesh your vision with their skill. Huettner tells HealthyWay that patients will often show her celebrity photos. She takes that “goal,” and using Vectra 3-D imaging, can show them on a computer screen what that particular face or body part will look like on them.

“In most cases,” Huettner says, “the feature of the celebrity simply does not look right on the patient, so we collaborate, with the use of technology, [to find] what would look best on the patient’s unique anatomy.”

Under the Skin

Plastic surgery offers a physical change, but there is so much more to it than that. Often, the desire for surgery is related to an underlying issue—anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, eating disorders, and, sometimes, addiction.
“We cannot discuss plastic surgery without understanding the Euro-Western/mainstream cultural state of things for women (which both sexes perpetuate) wherein there exists much pressure for women to look eternally young,” says Natasha Sandy, a psychotherapist. “The biological reality of aging is being hidden, denied, and very aggressively combated, such as through plastic surgery.”

It’s a fine line in determining when plastic surgery is life-restoring versus life-taking. If a procedure is being used to mask an underlying emotional issue, it’s probably a good idea to delve into that before choosing surgery. “There is no greater joy for me than to help my female clients own their power, value, and worth for who they are, as they are,” says Sandy. “When this happens, women liberate themselves from the mental shackles of ‘beauty’ and shine as the true beautiful women they are, inside and out.”

Perks that Cannot Be Forgotten

So much of plastic surgery is discussed in terms of vanity. But truly, who are we to judge why someone does or does not choose a procedure? In addition to botox and other enhancements, there are countless lifesaving procedures done every year. Huettner names a few just to give us all a glimpse of how deep and wide the world of plastic surgery is:

  • reconstructive surgery after cancer resection, such as breast reconstruction after breast cancer surgery or facial and nasal reconstruction after skin cancer excision
  • reconstructive plastic surgery for facial trauma after domestic violence, personal attacks, or accidents
  • reconstruction after dog bite injuries
  • reconstruction of congenital deformities like cleft lip and palate formation or cranial deformities in children
  • body contouring surgery of the arms, legs, breast, abdomen, back and buttock after massive weight loss surgery
  • reconstruction of scar formation/contracture after a burn injury
  • significant improvement of neck and back pain through breast reduction plastic surgery

All of that IS plastic surgery. It is not only about reconstructing the body; it’s about restoring it, too.
Katherine Kramer benefited from a breast reduction after her last child was born. “My [breasts] were so heavy. They were awful while breastfeeding. It was like lifting sacks of flour,” she says. Kramer suffered back pain and was often embarrassed. Although she had a difficult recovery, Kramer says, “I would never turn back. I have suggested [breast reduction] to many and still would.”

Wood agrees: “I didn’t do it because I didn’t love my body. I had surgery because I was having chronic pain at 28 years old and couldn’t imagine what it would be in 10 years, even.” Like Peterson mentioned, plastic surgery has the potential to boost self-confidence.

“[Botox] is something I do three times a year. It’s worth every penny to me,” she says. Both minor and major procedures can be life-restoring in the fact that they allow a person to feel more like themselves. Often, it can change people from the outside in. Over and over, we hear about the importance of self-care, and for some, self-care can be found through a cosmetic procedure.

What’s coming next?

Plastic surgery is an ever-evolving field, and the future of plastics is exciting and innovative. Zuckerman believes that more and more procedures will become less invasive in the coming years, especially when it comes to fat removal and skin tightening, as well as longer-lasting injectable treatments for combatting aging and fat elimination. Low invasiveness is key because it most likely means a lower cost and shorter recovery time—something everyone can get excited about.

According to Zuckerman, “the use of 3D printing in craniofacial surgery to help with exact sizing for defect reconstruction (and for better complex preoperative surgical planning),” is on the horizon, too.
No matter the next phase, it’s a wonderful luxury to have access to plastic surgery. If it’s something on your mind, be sure to fully evaluate the risks before proceeding, and, as all our experts emphasized, find a board-certified surgeon. Zuckerman recommends searching the American Society of Plastic Surgeons and choosing someone who has before and after photos that are appealing.

Categories
Wellbeing

Here's What You Need to Know About Silent Strokes

Early intervention is crucial to minimizing the long-term effects of a stroke. Knowing this, public education on symptoms of stroke became a priority in the States in the early 2000s. These efforts were largely beneficial, resulting in a quicker response to early stroke symptoms by the general population by motivating people to call emergency response services at the first presentation of stroke symptoms. This translates to more successful early interventions during strokes, according to a study published in Journal of Epidemiology.
Now, it seems that most people understand the telltale signs of a stroke, thanks to an easy to remember acronym used to encourage more widespread knowledge of symptoms, according to Jason Tarpley, MD, PhD, a stroke neurologist and director of the Stroke and Neurovascular Center at Providence Saint John’s Health Center in Santa Monica, California.
“We often cite the acronym FAST,” he says, explaining that “F” stands for facial droop, “A” for arm weakness, “S” for speech difficulties, and “T” is for time to call 911.

Knowledge of this acronym is certainly important and it shouldn’t be disregarded; it encourages more people to act quickly when the most obvious symptoms of strokes arise. However, this memory tool shouldn’t be seen as providing a comprehensive outline of stroke symptoms. Unfortunately, not all strokes are easy to detect. Some may take place without symptoms or symptoms that are easy to brush off.

Stokes without symptoms are often called “silent strokes” because they typically go undetected unless seen on an MRI scan, according to Tarpley. In some cases, when these symptoms go ignored, it puts the person at risk for experiencing a second, more serious stroke. Because of this, it is important to understand silent strokes and how to move forward if you believe you’ve experienced this lesser-known health condition.

What is a silent stroke?

The most basic explanation of a stroke is that it occurs when there is a problem with the blood flow in the brain. More specifically, there are two types of strokes—ischemic and hemorrhagic strokes. In the case of an ischemic stroke, a clot has formed in the brain which prevents blood flows to a specific part of the brain. Hemorrhagic strokes are drastically different, caused when a blood vessel is weak and ruptures, according to the American Stroke Association. Additionally, smaller strokes caused by a temporary clot are knowns as a transient ischemic attack or TIA.

Typically, strokes result in noticeable and dramatic symptoms because the part of the brain affected controls major functions in the body. Those suffering from strokes will often experience muscle weakness, sudden loss of vision or double vision, or difficulty speaking. Most people recognize drooping or muscle weakness on one side of the face as a telltale sign of a stroke.
However, it’s important to understand that not all symptoms of strokes are the same. How a person experiences a stroke can vary greatly depending on the portion of the brain affected or the severity of the clot. In some cases, an individual might not experience symptoms at all, and this is known as a silent stroke. In other cases, there may not be symptoms but they might be brushed off because they are so unremarkable.

“A silent stroke basically means that someone didn’t know they had it,” explains Tarpley. “They’re very subtle things, and sometimes, you may have a stroke you didn’t even know you had.”
According to Tarpley, our awareness of silent strokes can be attributed to amazing medical technology. Modern MRIs are able to pick up on small, symptomless strokes, making it possible to detect and diagnose silent strokes.

Risk Factors for Silent Strokes

The same people who are at a higher risk for experiencing a typically presenting stroke are also at risk for experiencing silent strokes, according to Tarpley. Cen Zhang, MD, the assistant professor of neurology and stroke neurologist at the Comprehensive StrokeCenter at NYU Langone Health, explained exactly what those risk factors entail.

“As people get older, there is a significant increase in risk for stroke,” she explains. “High blood pressure is another big risk for silent strokes and evident strokes as well. Metabolic syndrome, which includes risk factors for diabetes and heart disease, can also raise risk for silent stroke.”
Additionally, there is some research that indicates that lifestyle choices, such as heavy drinking, is associated with with increased risk for experiencing strokes, according to Zhang, who explained that the extent of the drinking is important to consider since moderate drinking is actually linked to a lower risk of stroke and cardiovascular problems. There is not significant research that indicates that one gender is at a higher risk for strokes than the other, according to Zhang.

Symptoms That Could Indicate a Silent Stroke

It’s difficult to point out obvious symptoms of a silent stroke. A true silent stroke has no symptoms and may go completely undetected until another medical event requires an MRI.

“Often a person might be coming in for something else, such as headaches, and they get an MRI. That’s when a doctor finds evidence of a previous silent stroke,” explains Zhang. “Most people think of stroke as having symptoms like facial numbness, trouble speaking, etc. … but a silent stroke doesn’t show any symptoms.”

In some cases, the term silent stroke might be used to describe a stroke with very subtle symptoms, according to Tarpley, who said that sometimes individuals will experience very subtle numbness or dizziness they brush off because it isn’t dramatic or alarming.

Those who suffer from multiple silent strokes might experience changes in cognitive function caused by the build up of damage in the brain. This could include difficulty with memory and changes in mood. Even so, these changes may go unnoticed until a stroke is picked up on a scan, according to Zhang. She encourages adults to avoid brushing off changes as a normal part of aging, saying there is a big difference between struggling to remember a phone number and having memory loss impact your ability to carry on with your life as you normally would.

“You get lost going to familiar places like a grocery store, or you forget your children’s names,” she says, explaining that it is the people closest to an individual who are the best at detecting truly significant changes in mood or cognition.
“Something that has been observed in research and in my own practice … if a person can remember that he or she is having a harder time remembering things, they have good insight. Usually when a family member or aide reports these changes, that’s typically more concerning to me.”

Lifestyle Choices for Silent Stroke Prevention

If we’re being perfectly honest, it is incredibly difficult to give a one-size-fit-all prescription for prevention of silent strokes. First and foremost, aging is one of the main risk factors for all strokes and there is nothing that can be done to turn back the clock.

Even so, this doesn’t mean that those who are at an increased risk for silent strokes can’t make important changes to their lifestyle. All aging individuals should monitor their blood pressure carefully, according to Zhang. And, patients with high blood pressure should make healthy lifestyle changes and follow their doctor’s medication suggestions in order to control their blood pressure and lower their risk for stroke.

“Newer studies are saying even lower is better, and reducing blood pressure to below 130 mmHG is shown to be most helpful,” she explains. “Watching cholesterol, diabetes and the risk factors that contribute to metabolic syndrome can also be helpful to prevent the build-up of silent strokes.”
Another difficulty in offering directions for prevention of strokes is that strokes can be caused by a myriad of underlying health issues. For instance, some strokes are caused by narrowing of the arteries which may require surgical correction, according to Tarpley. Other strokes are caused by abnormal heart rhythms and require a completely different course of action.

This means that each patient experiencing strokes, silent or otherwise, must work with their doctor to address the underlying cause of their stroke to prevent any future strokes. Those who have previously experienced a silent stroke should not brush off the severity of the diagnosis simply because the symptoms are not dramatic or devastating. Even silent strokes have a harmful effect on the brain.

Many neurologists are beginning to suspect that experiencing a silent stroke is a pre-phenomenon, according to Zhang, who explains that silent strokes are widely considered to be a risk factor for future, more devastating strokes. If a doctor indicates that you have experienced a silent stroke, this should be taken seriously, and they can provide further direction on the next steps you should take.
“If you have a silent stroke on your MRI, then you’re at risk of having the same type of stroke that could leave you devastated with weakness on one side of the body or the other,” says Tarpley. “So, starting with what it looks like on a brain MRI, you can start to figure out what caused it and start to figure out how to prevent future ones.”

Categories
Motherhood

Daycare Violations: Navigating The Worrying World Of Childcare Providers

Ask any working parent in the United States and they’ll tell you that childcare is a huge expense for their family. Most Americans report that they spend 10 percent of more of their income on childcare, while roughly one third of American families are spending 20 percent of their income on care for their child while they work, according to a Care.com survey. Daycare costs so much, you can actually attend an in-state college for a year for less than you spend on a year of daycare for your children, according to NPR.
The cost of daycare is a real problem in the United States. For my family, it meant I took an overnight job after my daughter’s first birthday and would come home and parent on little to no sleep several times a week. For some families, it is the reason that mothers decide not to return to work after a child is born. Unfortunately, it is often one of the reasons that children end up with subpar, or even dangerous, care providers.
“When my daughter was a baby, we had no money,” shares Amy Shearn, mom and freelance writer. “But there was a lady down the block who watched kids for cheap. I didn’t love it because she’d sometimes have three or four kids there, and they seemed to mostly eat cookies and watch TV … we did it anyway for a few hours a week because it was the only way I could get any work done without paying more than I was making.”
Amy Shearn isn’t alone. Many parents face problems with their childcare options because of cost, location, and a lack of information. When childcare is subpar, it is ultimately the children that suffer the most.

The Laws that Make Childcare Safe

In order to become a licensed childcare facility, service providers have to comply with a specific set of guidelines and pass inspections. In the United States, these guidelines vary from state to state.
In Missouri, for instance, licensing laws are different based on the type of care center. In-home daycares don’t have to be licensed, according to Robin Phillips, the chief executive officer of Child Care Aware of Missouri, but if they want to become licensed they will have to comply with laws in place pertaining to environmental safety, teacher-to-child ratio, background checks, and more.
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And some child care providers are completely exempt, such as religious providers of childcare, preschool programs that offer less than four hours of care each day, and anyone who is caring less than four non-related children in their home, according to the The Missouri Department of Health and Senior Services.

The Surprising Number of Daycare Violations

Daycare violations among licensed facilities are incredibly common, unfortunately. One 2013 news story detailed an alarming 144 number of violations in the St. Louis area alone. These violations were sometimes minor, but many were downright scary. One center, for instance, was facing a violation after a child was found walking down a street in the area. Another was reported when a child was kneed by a staff member. Many of the childcare violations were because the center didn’t have the correct number of staff members for the number of children in each class.
More recently, in December 2017, an Arizona daycare faced a $300 fine after three employees were charged with child abuse. The investigation happened after the three employees covered up a incident where a child was struck with a broom.
A Houston area daycare was investigated in December as well when a child was found walking near the highway by police, according to KHUO. The child was said to have walked away while outside during recess, according to the story, and the child’s absence went unnoticed by the staff.


Unfortunately, the list goes on and on. Enough searching reveals stories of children abused or losing their lives while under the watch of their care providers. It’s enough to make the very idea of dropping your child off at a daycare center scary.

The Good News About Child Care Violations

There really is good news. Childcare violations are typically published for the public online in a state database. This means that parents can do their research on a childcare provider themselves, using the information they find online to make informed decisions about the childcare provider they chose. This information is provided by the start department responsible for child care licenses in each state, like the Department of Health and Senior Services in Missouri.
“It helps parents understand if they were cited for any reason,” Phillips explains. “There’s an array of things that are minor violations, and there are obviously some things that are more serious, and those things are tracked, and they’re public information.”
It’s important to understand that unlicensed providers won’t appear on this database. When care providers are unlicensed, they don’t get visited by the department of child care regulations, according to Phillips.
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In addition searching the databases available online, Phillips recommends that parents take the time to visit childcare providers they’re considering multiple times. Instead of relying on word-of-mouth alone, guardians should make both planned and random visits, paying attention the number of teachers in the room at any given time, how many kids are there, and what is going on in the daycare during any point of the day. For families who are uncertain of what type of questions to ask or what to look for in a center, Child Care Aware, which is available in several states, provides resources to parents to help guide them as the select a provider for the children in their care.

Why Unsafe Childcare is Commonplace

Unfortunately, in the United States, unsafe or low quality childcare options appear to commonplace. There are certainly excellent child care options in the State, but there are three big limitations that prevent parents and other family members from finding quality care for the child in their their care.
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First, and perhaps the most obvious, is cost. Like Shearn, many parents are trying to find a childcare provider they can afford and finding the costs of daycare astronomical. In 2016, the average cost of daycare style childcares was $211 each week, according to a survey by Care.com. The costs go up from there: Nannies cost over twice that much, and simply hiring an after-school sitter for 15 hours a week puts most parents back $232 a week.
And for parents who qualify for assistance, the subsidies still aren’t enough, according to Phillips. Those making minimum wage are still struggling to pay for their reduced-rate childcare. Even if a family can afford childcare, the issue of availability is a problem in certain areas of the country.
“There are challenges in more rural areas. This is a national issues, not just in Missouri,” explains Phillips. “There’s scarcity in what’s available, the supply, compared to … the number of working families with children under six that are in need of that service.”
 
Lastly, not all states have laws and regulations that are helpful to parents looking for care and the licensing regulations vary greatly from state to state. This may make information on daycare difficult to come by, especially if parents don’t know about resources like Child Care Aware or their state simply doesn’t have this kind of resource.

The Bigger Picture

Many of the limitations mentioned above may appear to be individual, based on the circumstances of a specific family, like their income or where they live. The truth is the problems families face when looking for care for children is unquestionably linked to a bigger country-wide problem.

It’s easy to look at the extreme examples mentioned above—children wandering off or being abused in centers—and begin to believe that safety is the only matter at stake when selecting care for a child. There is a lot more at stake. Based on the availability of childcare and the limited resources that help parents pay for childcare, it doesn’t appear that the country as a whole is taking this seriously. It’s important to understand how pivotal the early years are for children, and the the conversation surrounding childcare have to go beyond “Are children safe?” and move to questions about what kind of effort is being put into their enrichment as a human being.
“When they don’t have access to those environments or the families struggles to pay for that, it usually falls on the backs of the child and their future,” says Phillips, adding that our country as a whole doesn’t place a high enough value on the earliest years of a child’s life.
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“By the time a child is five, the research out there will tell you that that child’s brain is 90 percent developed of an adult,” says Phillips, who strongly believes that children need access to so much more than safe care. A low stress environment that focuses on individual learning is what all children need to thrive as young children and as they grow into adolescents and adults.

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Healthy Relationships Wellbeing

Why Women Are Blamed When Men Cheat

When word got out that Brad Pitt cheated on his wife Jennifer Aniston with Angelina Jolie, the world reacted in a typical way: It blamed his wife and his mistress instead of him. Pitt spoke out that he was “wasting his life” while married to Aniston, and those around him thought that Jolie brought out a spark in him. As such, it seemed Pitt gained sympathy for having a wife who didn’t make him happy because naturally, it’s her job to ensure that he is satisfied. In the end, Pitt walked away from the scandal unscathed, yet Aniston was blamed for not being exciting enough and Jolie was labeled as a home-wrecker.

Georges Biard/Wikimedia Commons

Why wasn’t the finger pointed at Pitt? Because he’s a man.

Why Women Are Blamed

In general, it seems that women are labeled as responsible for the quality of a relationship because they are seen as the upholders of them. But why?
“Historically, most women were dependent upon men,” says family, marriage, and sex therapist Georgia Nickles. “There was a division of labor. Men were supposed to concentrate upon providing food and shelter, whereas women were supposed to uphold relationships, offer comfort, compassion, and sexual satisfaction, as well as care for their home and children. These stereotypical positions are deeply rooted into our modern-day thinking, even though there are changes in attitudes happening as the stereotypical roles are slowing evolving.”

And even though women work outside of the home now, raise children on their own, and have worked hard to be seen as “equals” with men, they are still unfairly blamed when things go awry in the relationship. Instead of blaming the person who strays, the world would rather try to figure out why the cheating happened and then place blame. Often, that blame is placed on the woman, even when it’s wrong.
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“The blame never falls on one person in the relationship,” says Christopher K. Belous, PhD, a sexological researcher and professor of couple and family. “Often, infidelity is caused by both partners pulling away and distancing themselves from the relationship itself—and is a symptom of larger issues.”
He says that many people think that because a woman is supposed to “make her man happy,” that any infidelity her partner commits is her fault and that she did something wrong.
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“This is absolutely untrue, and a myth of our culture,” he says. “Women are not the only people responsible for relationships, sex, and emotional connection.”
And yet, they are often still told they are.

What Women Are Blamed For

It’s safe to say that when a man cheats, he does so on his own accord. His wife or girlfriend doesn’t ask or force him to stray, but when he does, the woman is usually looked at as the guilty party. People want to know what she did to make him cheat, instead of figuring out what changed in him to make him want to stray.
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And although this is far from fair, or the truth, it happens.
“Often, women are blamed for the choices that men make when they break the contract of fidelity in marriage,” says Nickels. “The blame usually centers around such reasons as the following: the women were not interested in providing enough sex for the man, the women were never interested in pursuing the man, the woman had become sexually boring, the woman had let herself go physically, the woman had lost interest in the husband in general, or that the woman had become hyper-focused upon children or other interests.”
In other words, women are accused of not having enough sex, not giving their partners enough attention, or spending too much time taking care of their children when their partner cheats. However, if a person is questioning why the affair happened, it’s important for them to take a look at their partner, not just themselves, says Hilary Phillips, licensed professional counselor and certified sex therapist.
“When there has been an affair it is important for both partners to take a long, honest look at the relationship dynamics and the personality/behavior styles of each partner,” she says. “It is possible that the person who cheated has characterological issues, such as narcissism or even sociopathy—these are the people who will most likely cheat again.”

The Real Reason Men Cheat

Besides having an uncontrollable attraction to someone they just can’t resist, men cheat for a variety of reasons. And some of the reasons have less to do with physicality and are more about emotion, or lack thereof.
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“There are so many reasons that people cheat in a relationship; my experience is that it is very rarely just one reason behind an affair,” says Phillips. “Some common contributing factors are poor communication and feeling disconnected emotionally and physically from a partner. It is common for those who have cheated to say they felt hopeless that things would ever feel exciting and connected in the relationship again.”
They may also cheat because they have unrealistic expectations of the relationship and then feel disappointment as a result, says Nickels.
“They often do not have the communications skills to deal with their disappointing partners,” she says. “Additionally, men fail to see their own part in the marital disappointments. Also, men often have intimacy and sex confused, or they have unrealistic expectations of what women are supposed to do. Unable to deal with disappointment, men, many times, do an end-run around problems, which means finding an affair partner.”

What Women Often Do When He Cheats

Although women will typically blame their husbands or boyfriends for the affair, they also tend to place the blame on someone else: themselves. They tend to question what they did wrong, and then believe that if they had behaved differently, their partners would be satisfied and faithful. Most of the time, however, this is wrong.

“I think this is directly connected to that historical perspective and social belief that women are responsible for the relationship,” says Belous. “As such, and because they hold that belief (falsely), they end up blaming themselves for the infidelity—subconsciously saying to themselves, ‘If I had been good enough,’ or ‘If only I were better at sex,’ then their partner wouldn’t have left. Of course, this is also completely untrue.”
And in addition to themselves, women will also point at someone else other than their partners: the other woman.
You’ve likely seen the trashy talk shows in which the girlfriend and other woman attack each other once the affair has been discovered. Instead of throwing punches at the man, the woman who has been cheated on takes her anger out on the mistress, which further contributes to women taking the blame for infidelity. But why go after the other woman when your partner is the one who hurt you?
“Affairs are devastating and can rock the foundation of everything we know our life to be” says Phillips. “This can be so overwhelming that a common defense mechanism is to blame external factors. Often, with time, people can take an honest look at themselves and their relationship to truly understand why an affair happened.”

What They Should Do

If you do find yourself in the nightmare of learning your partner had an affair, the first thing you should do is avoid blaming yourself. Your partner has a mind of his own and you did not make him cheat, no matter what he or others say. And if you do find others pointing the finger at you, consider the source.
“I think any woman who is being blamed for the infidelity of her partner needs to check the people who are doing the blaming,” says Belous. “Are those people who are truly necessary or actually a good part of your life? I recommend to every couple that I’ve worked with who are going through a monogamous infidelity situation, to consider being more open and public about their situation and experience. Why should we shame ourselves for making a mistake?”
It is also important to understand that marriage has evolved from what it used to be. Along with working together to build a life, partners also expect their significant others to be their best friends, support systems, co-parents, and passionate lovers. That’s a whole lot of expectation for one person, says Phillips.
“With open, honest communication couples can learn to manage these high expectations and learn how to get some needs met from other sources—and create a monogamy agreement that works for them,” she says. “With a little less pressure on the relationship, we may see the prevalence of cheating, which can have devastating effects, come down.”

Dealing with your partner’s infidelity is difficult enough, but when you’re being blamed for the affair, you may face an impossible situation.
“When a partner cheats or breaks a contract, it is simply a maladaptive choice,” says Nickels. “It is very difficult to be the victim who gets blamed or shamed. Individual therapy can be very helpful in order to develop the ego strength needed to deal with that blame and/or shame.”
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And it’s also helpful to realize that you are not to blame, no matter what anyone says and that you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t feel the need to stray.

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Motherhood

What Parents Need To Know About Privacy In The Age Of Social Media

Like most 20-somethings, I’ve been on the internet for a long time. Long before there were children in my life or even a serious love interest (unless you count a junior high crush), I was spending my free time sending emails to girlfriends on Juno, then chatting on AIM, writing out my teenage angst on Xanga, and then posting songs from my favorite screamo band on Myspace.
So I grew up online. And then, when social media really took off, I was in high school and then moving on to college and adulthood. I grew accustomed to living my life out online, posting pictures of my wedding, my first home, and then my first baby. It was what I had always done, and it didn’t cross my mind that having children should change that in anyway.
Now, I’ve been posting pictures of my children online for over five years. I’ve been careful, to an extent, keeping the pictures appropriate, especially as my children grew older. Recently, I started to wonder if being careful wasn’t enough. They’re too young to consent to me posting pictures of them online, so is every post I make about them an invasion of their privacy?HealthyWay
It’s hard not to feel a little anxious about the choices I’ve made to live my life so transparently online. What will my children think about my social media choices when they’re teens? In 2016, for instance, an 18-year-old sued her parents for sharing over 500 pictures of her childhood on social media. According to USA Today, these Austrian parents hadn’t practiced a lot of discretion, posting pictures of her using the bathroom and sleeping unclothed.HealthyWay
For a generation that became parents in the age of social media, it’s difficult to know what is and isn’t appropriate to share. Cases like these are raising serious questions about each child’s right to privacy, along with the potential for legal consequences when parents don’t respect that right.

Every Child Has a Right to Privacy

“It is very important to teach children how to tell their own story and direct their own narrative,” explains Rob Holmes, a private investigator and security consultant who specializes in handling privacy issues, threats, and intellectual property.
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Unfortunately, for children who have grown up in the social media age, many parents are creating narratives for their children long before that child can consent to sharing that information online. It isn’t the occasional video of a child’s first steps or a photo of their preschool graduation, either. It’s the day-to-day of their lives—good, bad, and embarrassing.
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A Nominet and Parent Zone study reveals the sharing done by parents is much more extensive than most realize, with the average parenting sharing roughly 1,500 pictures of their child online before their fifth birthday. This level of oversharing presents two serious issues, in the the opinion of Lisa Vallejos, PhD, who shares her thoughts with HealthyWay from the perspective of a therapist and a mother herself.HealthyWay
First, there are the issues of safety, which is a concern every parent should consider when posting pictures of their child online. In each image shared, including those shared to private accounts, there is code called metadata. This code contains information about the image, like the GPS location and the contact information of the person who took the photo, according to TechTarget.
Secondly, there is the potential of what we share online now becoming a source of shame for our children in the near future. Of course parents think that everything their baby and toddlers do is cute, but it is difficult to predict how those images could be harmful to the child in the future, and Vallegos encourages parents to keep that in mind.HealthyWay
“Particularly in photos that can provoke feelings of shame,” she says. “Once it’s out there, it’s out there, and you can’t get it back.”
She went on to say there is significant potential for these images, from potty training to tantrums, to later be found and have impact on relationships, friendships, and even careers, simply because they exist and could create shame for the child.

Every Child has a Right to Consent

Beyond the obvious impact parents’ online activity has on their children, the choice to post pictures of a child without their knowledge or permission raises big questions about the topic of consent, according to Vallegos. She was quick to point out how current events, specifically multiple allegations of sexual harassment and sexual abuse, should only further motivate parents to take the topic of consent more seriously.
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More specifically, parents should consider the message it sends when they teach their child about consent but then do not respect that child’s own right to consent by oversharing private information about them online.
“We have to talk about consent, and we have to talk about consent from an early age,” she says. “It sends a really mixed message to a kid that they don’t get to consent with their parents, but they’re expected to know what consent is.”

Are there laws that protect children on social media?

If a teenager can sue her parents for sharing her baby photos on social media, does that mean there are laws in place meant to protect children from their parents’ oversharing? Unfortunately, the answer isn’t so black and white.HealthyWay
For example, in France parents have been formally urged to take their child’s privacy seriously, suggesting they shouldn’t be sharing pictures of their kids online at all. They take privacy so seriously that any parent who is sued by their child for a breach of privacy could pay as much as €45,000 in fines or spend a year in prison, according to The Verge.
In the States, there is obviously a much more relaxed stance on the subject of privacy for minors, but that doesn’t necessarily mean sharing online is without legal risk, according to Robert Ellis Smith, an attorney and the publisher of The Privacy Journal.
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“Generally, parents are able to give consent to use photographs for their children until they reach the age of consent,” he says, explaining that the age of consent varies from state to state but is typically between 16 and 18 years old. “Commercial exploitation of a photo or use of one showing highly embarrassing or sensitive features may override this rule of law.”

Relearning Social Media Use

Personally, as someone who has shared extensively online about my life as a mom and my kids’ childhoods, I’m beginning to feel some regret about my online habits. I’ve done the research, I’ve talked to the experts, and it has become pretty clear—posting about my kids online doesn’t benefit anyone but me.HealthyWay
At times, it feels like sharing photos of my kids is a right that I have as a parent, but now I find myself questioning that assumption. There seems to be a big difference between texting my mom a picture of one of her grandkids covered in food after a dinner of red sauce and pasta and posting that same image online for hundreds of followers and friends to see. I’m frustrated with myself that I haven’t seen that line until now, and I find myself wondering why I got into the habit in the first place.
“I think it could be that it’s just normal and accepted now,” says Vallejos, noting that although many assume it’s a symptom of narcissism, she believes that is rarely the case. “People don’t really think about the implications or the deeper issues.”


There is also the issue of competition and comparison, which I would love to believe I am immune to, but I know that is not true. It’s fairly typical for parents to feel a bit of competition with others, and children are a great source of validation, according to Vallejos.
For parents like me, who have spent so much of their lives on social media, it may be time to relearn how to use social media. I know that I have a lot to think about moving forward concerning what I post online.HealthyWay
There are two pieces of advice Vallejos offers to parents who feel they have already made mistakes when it comes to their kids’ privacy and social media. First, she suggests parents own the mistake, admit it to their kids, and decide not to get stuck in the shame. This is a good opportunity for parents to be transparent with their kids, admit their mistake, and explain that moving forward they will ask them for permission before posting anything about them online. Secondly, and more practically, she suggests doing the work of removing or hiding pictures and status updates that breach your child’s privacy.
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As for me, I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. At first thought, it seems extreme to wipe my child’s identity from the internet. At the same time, I no longer feel like it was my choice to share their childhood, to write their story, to begin with. And so, I’ve started the work of slowly saving what I want to keep to a thumbdrive and deleting the rest. I can’t undo the oversharing I have done online, but I can do everything possible to lessen the impact it has on my child.

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Wellbeing

5 Things People Constantly Lie About Every Day (And Why)

A few years ago, a college friend of mine told me that she had decided to leave the hustle and bustle of the corporate world and pursue her dream of being a personal trainer at a local gym. She had always been interested in fitness, so the idea that she may want to change her career path didn’t seem far-fetched. I was happy that she took this bold life step.
But when I talked to her on the phone, something in her voice sounded off—like she wasn’t entirely excited about her decision. My gut told me she was lying about some aspect of her new occupation.
During one of our many phone chats, I began to probe a little deeper about the reasons she left her previous job and started this new endeavor. Initially, she tried her best to assure me that this was what she wanted, however, by the end of our conversation, she confided in me that the abrupt job change had not been her choice.
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Unexpectedly, she had been laid off when her company underwent a period of restructuring. Suddenly, she found herself jobless and scared of what the future held. While many of her friends appeared to be thriving in their respective careers, she was wondering how she would pay her mortgage or other bills.
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“Lies hide the truth. Without truth, there is no real connection. Without connection, humans feel empty and alone.”
—Funda Yilmaz[/pullquote]
During that vulnerable period in her life, she felt too embarrassed and insecure to be truthful with those closest to her, and she fabricated the story about why she took the job as a personal trainer. Naturally, I felt compassion for my friend, and I kept my lips sealed. It was important for her to open up to others when she felt comfortable—which she did a few months later.
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My friend’s circumstance is just one example of the type of lie a person may tell in their everyday lives. In reality, lying is much more common than you’d expect. A study done at the University of Massachusetts in Amherst discovered that around 60 percent of people lied at least once during the timespan of a 10 minute conversation, and some people told an average of two to three lies. That’s a whole heck of a lot of lying going around!

Why is lying such a common part of our daily lives?

Funda Yilmaz, licensed personal counselor and psychotherapist, has seen the full spectrum of lying—from a small fib to more severe cases. She’s spent the last decade working with perpetrators and survivors of intimate partner violence. Plus she’s the author and illustrator of a children’s self-help book that helps teach kids concepts like honesty and assertiveness in age-appropriate language.
Yilmaz says, “People mostly lie because they feel that’s the only way to achieve acceptance and safety in themselves or from others.” She also notes that people often tell lies to avoid oppression, conflict, or confronting an uncomfortable or scary situation.HealthyWay
“We’re afraid of accepting emotional distress,” she says. “But usually, emotional distress is communication from our body telling us that things aren’t healthy or [are] even dangerous for our wellbeing. So, we try to ‘fake it,’ and [we] tell ourselves that as long as we’re functioning in our social and work roles, we have nothing to worry about.”
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But lying can take its toll on our relationships. Before we know it, we may be caught in a web of lies and feel disconnected from others. “Lies hide the truth. Without truth, there is no real connection. Without connection, humans feel empty and alone,” says Yilmaz.
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So, while “a little white lie” here and there may not significantly impact your relationships, telling them often may place a wedge between you and the people you care about.

What are things people constantly lie about every day?

Evy Poumpouras is a former secret service special agent to four U.S. presidents and an on-air national TV correspondent. Poumpouras says, “Everyone lies for different reasons, such as to avoid embarrassment, avoid going to jail, or maintain a certain social or professional status.” Since we know most of us are saying a few falsehoods on a fairly regular basis, what types of things are we lying about the most?

1. “I’m okay. Everything is okay.”

When someone asks you how you are doing, is “I’m okay. Everything is okay.” your most likely answer? An Australian study found that this lie was the number one untruth people told others. Why is that?HealthyWay
The purpose of this lie is usually for self-protection. Maybe you’re not comfortable with the person asking you the question. Or maybe you feel like that moment isn’t the time or the place to have a serious discussion about what’s going on in your life. Hopefully, you can set aside some time to be open with those closest to you if you’re not “okay.” Otherwise, your lie may drive you further away from people. As Yilmaz says, “Make sure the lie is worth the possibility of disconnection from the person being lied to.”

2. “I’m (insert number of your choice) years old.”

For both women and men, lying about your age seems to be a pretty common occurrence—one that is especially prevalent these days in the dating realm. Anna M., 30, has been in the online dating scene for several years. She’s been noticing more people blatantly lying about their ages on their profile. “Recently, I matched with a man whose profile said he was 42. After I read his bio closely, I noticed the very last line said, ‘I’m really 52.’”
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Why are people lying about their age? Yilmaz says low self-esteem might compel a person to lie. Other reasons a person may fudge the truth a bit about their age is to project a particular image of themselves or gain the approval of others. Whatever the rationale, skirting around the truth is a very difficult way to live, and it’s bound to catch up with you.

3. “I had a lot of responsibilities at my previous job.”

According to a CareerBuilder survey, embellishing job responsibilities is the number one lie people tell on their resumes. Even though there’s immense pressure to stand out from the crowd,Vice President of Human Resources at CareerBuilder Rosemary Haefner stated: “Even the slightest embellishment can come back to haunt you and ruin your credibility.”
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If you’re feeling insecure about your real job experiences, Haefner says, creating fictitious career descriptions isn’t the way to impress a potential employer. Instead, she says, “Use your cover letter strategically to tell your story, focusing on your strengths and accomplishments and explaining any areas of concern if needed.”

4. “It wasn’t that expensive.”

In the previously mentioned Australian study, this lie landed in the top 10 for both men and women. Why do so many people choose to be dishonest about the price of an item? Most likely, it’s to avoid judgment and scrutiny over their spending habits.


Many people want to control the perceptions others have of them, and they may not want their friends and family to dub them as “extravagant” or “lavish,” so they play down the amount of money they spend to dodge criticism.
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But a newer study sheds a slightly different light on why people may also tell the occasional tale. Some people may lie due to the compassion they feel for others. This type of lie is called a “prosocial lie,” or a lie intended to benefit others. In the case of lying about an item’s price tag, a person may tell a prosocial lie to avoid hurting someone’s feelings about what they can and can’t afford.

5. “We should talk soon.”

Translation: “The chances of us talking in the near future are pretty slim.” We’ve all probably said some version of this when we’ve bumped into someone we hadn’t seen for a while (either online or in-person) to avoid the awkward tension. However, we rarely follow through with that phone call. Sure, we’d like to stay in contact with people, but the truth is that we drift apart or get too busy to keep up with everyone. So isn’t stretching the truth a little justified now and then?HealthyWay
Yilmaz answers, “Life is unpredictable, and I don’t like to place solid rules on anything. You never know what kind of situation will come up to justify a white lie. But I remind everyone who tells a white lie that trust is a precious gift that can be easily lost.” In other words, if you’re looking to build trust in existing relationships or create new ones, lying is never your best bet.

Laying Down Lies

Do “little white lies” really hurt anyone? While it may be relatively benign on the surface, repeatedly being dishonest can eventually foster an environment where others begin to distrust you. To facilitate human connections, you need to create an atmosphere where open and honest communication is at the center of your relationships.HealthyWay
Yilmaz says honesty is the key to connection and mutual respect. If you’re willing to be vulnerable with people and embrace truthful living, you might discover that people like and accept you the way you are—as your most unguarded, authentic self.

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Wellbeing

Health State To State: Why America’s Health Problems Are Nationwide

The United Health Foundation recently released its annual list of the healthiest and unhealthiest states in the country for 2017.
The study looked at 35 core measures covering behaviors, community and environment, policy, clinical care, and outcomes data in order to make its decision.
The biggest shock in the study is that there really aren’t any big shocks. As you may have guessed, the states that average the highest incomes in the country are generally healthier than those that are less wealthy. Additionally, the northern states of the country fared much better than the South, as per usual. Just about the only big difference this year is that the healthiest state in the country for the past five years was knocked out of its slot and replaced by one that has a high drug overdose rate. Can you guess who it is?

The Healthiest States

These healthy states are no stranger to the healthy list, as they’ve all been here before. The only difference is their order.

Massachusetts

With its cold weather and delightful accent, Massachusetts was ranked No. 1 as the country’s healthiest state. Thanks to the lowest percentage of uninsured at 2.7 of the population and a low prevalence of obesity, the Bay State was able to knock Hawaii out of the top position.
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The good health of the state likely has much to do with the amount of health professionals available to those who live there. The state has about 200 primary care physicians per every 100,000 people, as well as 80 dentists per 100,000 people.
Additionally, smoking in the state decreased from 18.2 percent of the population in 2012 to 13.6 percent in 2017, resulting in a 25 percent drop. Additionally, the percentage of children in poverty has decreased from 38 percent to 11 percent, over the last two years.
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But even the healthiest state in the country isn’t without some issues. According to the report, Massachusetts experienced a 69 percent increase in fatal drug overdoses since 2012. West Virginia, New Hampshire, Kentucky, Ohio, and Rhode Island have also experienced significant increases over the last few years in fatal drug overdoses as well. The state also has a high preventable hospitalization rate, as well as large disparities in health status due to education.

Hawaii

For the past five years, Hawaii was known as the country’s healthiest state. This year, it came in second. Known for its amazing beaches and picturesque outdoor scene, it makes sense that a state with this much access to the great outdoors is healthy, but the food available also plays a major part, says Hawaii-based nutritional coach Chelsea Newman.
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“The weather, the surf, and the Aloha spirit all play a part, but in truth, Hawaii has the most expensive food in the United States, and the highest cost of living so it really contradicts the ‘poverty’ blame that often comes along with unhealthy eating,” says Newman. “But generally, here, people really take pride in living close to the earth, supporting local farmers, and they make a big fuss of food. Plus, we’re in bikinis all year round; that definitely helps you be healthy.”
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The cost of food greatly affects the quality of nutrition a person receives. As such, people who don’t have a lot of money to spend on food tend to go for what is cheaper, and, typically, unhealthy.
According to the U.S. National Library of Medicine National Institutes of Health, when income levels decrease, the amount of healthy foods purchased does as well. For instance, high-quality proteins, whole grains, vegetables, and fruit are purchased less often and replaced with low-cost, energy-rich starches, added sugars, and vegetable fats as they are the cheapest way to fill hungry stomachs.
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And although Newman agrees that poverty levels definitely play a role in the types of foods purchased, she believes that buying healthy food may be more economical than most think.
“Learning how to store food properly, eat simply, and eat real food is the key,” she says. “If Hawaii is known as the (formerly) healthiest state and we have the second-most expensive bread in the world, the fifth-most expensive tomatoes, and the most expensive toilet paper in the world, then you can throw the whole notion out the window that you need tons of money to eat healthy.”
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And, of course, it helps that Hawaii is known for its warm temperatures and gorgeous scenery, which make getting outside to engage in physical activity that much easier, she says.
“Weather plays a major part in it; in Hawaii we can get outside all year long,” says Newman. “However, even in really snowy states, there are outdoor activities, but SAD (seasonal affective disorder) is definitely a factor. Vitamin D makes people happier, healthier, and much more likely to have energy.”

The Unhealthiest States

Unfortunately, not every state in the country has the same kind of access to outdoor activity, quality healthcare, and affordable, healthy food. As such, states that are affected the most by this are commonly found in the unhealthy category.

Mississippi

Mississippi was ranked as the least-healthiest state in the nation in the report. A variety of factors contributed to the state’s unhealthy ranking, including the lack of accessible healthcare. For instance, Mississippi has fewer than 45 dentists for every 100,000 people. Compare that to Massachusetts and New Jersey, two of the healthiest states in the country, which have more than 80 dentists per every 100,000. You can see where this lack of dental care could make a difference.

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Jackson, Mississippi

Mississippi also has a large obese population at 37.3 percent, as well as many children in poverty. These factors can make living healthy in an area that doesn’t have many healthy options extremely difficult.

Louisiana

The tendency for citizens of Louisiana to engage in unhealthy activities is one of the reasons why it was ranked as the second most unhealthy state in the nation. Like Mississippi, smoking, poverty, and obesity play a factor in the health of those who live there.
“Louisiana is the second highest state for obesity, has a high amount of tobacco users and sugar-sweetened beverage drinkers, combined with lower physical activity levels,” says Louisiana-based registered dietician and diabetes educator Lanah Brennan. “With this, there are higher rates of diabetes, heart disease, and cancer in Louisiana.”
Brennan also believes that the lower income level of those who live in Louisiana plays a factor in their health.
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“People with lower income often have less access to fruits and vegetables and are more likely to purchase inexpensive foods that are high in added sugars and fat,” she says. “They also may be more likely to skip meals and overeat when food is available.”
Generally speaking, the South is typically less healthy than the North. A variety of factors can play into this, but for Brennan, it’s all about income and the hot weather.
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“The southern states have a lot in common when it comes to poverty levels, rich foods, tobacco use, hot summers, and lack of physical activity,” she says. And when you add the vibrant food culture of the state, you can have a recipe for disaster.
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“It is hard not to think about festivals and rich foods like gumbo and jambalaya in Louisiana,” she says. “The norm for food portion sizes is large and there, physical activity is not always a priority. Hot, humid summers in Louisiana make it difficult for many residents to get regular physical activity outdoors.”

Why is the United States riddled with health issues?

You may have noticed that when it comes to health, the United States is lacking compared to other countries in the world. The quality of mental and physical health is poor as people are less able to pay for doctor visits and healthcare, author Roberto A. Ferdman wrote in the Washington Post.
But food also plays a pivotal role in the health of the country, and it is only making it worse for itself, says Newman.
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“It is so clear to me that people don’t understand how to eat properly, but it’s not their fault,” she says. “The United States government has terrible standards for nutrition. So when you raise families like this, not close to growing food, not close to nature, and not understanding what real food is, then you have a massive problem.”
Newman also believes that the lack of a healthy food culture in the United States makes eating more about filling up on those empty calories than it is about spending time with those who are important to you, which can make choosing unhealthy food easier. Instead of enjoying meals with friends and family and taking time to select healthy and natural ingredients, Americans usually reach for what is fast and cheap, which is typically unhealthy.
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“I grew up in the UK, and food had a very different meaning than in the United States,” says Newman. “We had big roast dinners with the family and the neighbors, home-cooked meals at school, and Hawaii has a lot of those values around food as well. We have a beautiful melting pot of cuisines and culture around food within the United States, but the states don’t have an overarching culture for food.”
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“Cultural food traditions are a beautiful thing, even if they tend to be a bit unhealthy, but what we have now is a boxed food culture, and that’s not really even food that is just a science experiment resulting in a lot of money for some big wigs in suits who really don’t care about the health of people.”
“It is a huge problem that I see in moving forward for the United States in the battle for healthy food.”

Categories
Happy Home Lifestyle

How Feng Shui Works (And How It Doesn't) According To Science

Not happy with your home? Blame your chi.
That’s the basic reasoning behind feng shui, a Chinese philosophy that advocates cultivating harmony with your environment. Essentially, feng shui practitioners believe that every object and person has an energy—known as chi or qi—and that properly organizing your surroundings can allow your energy to flow more effectively.
That’s where the name “feng shui” comes from; it roughly translates to “wind and water.” The philosophy claims that different directions have different elements associated with them, and by managing the flow of your chi effectively, you can live a calmer, happier lifestyle.
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Of course, there’s no scientific evidence to support the spiritual claims of feng shui. Scientists haven’t found a chi in any laboratory experiments, and while organizing your surroundings can certainly improve your productivity, the effects are somewhat limited.

Still, feng shui has been around for thousands of years. Surely there’s some value in it, right? We spoke with several feng shui experts and self-proclaimed psychics to find out.

Claim 1: Choose the right color for your front door to complement your chi.

An article on The Spruce suggests choosing a color for your home’s front door to maximize the positive energy flowing through it. A south-facing door, for instance, should be red, since the direction signifies fire in traditional feng shui. A door that faces the west draws its power from metal, so homeowners should use white or grey.
HealthyWay
Unfortunately, there’s no science to back this up. Color can certainly affect moods, so if you paint your door green, you might feel slightly refreshed when you walk through it, but different colors affect people very differently.
“[Color perception] is very much based on culture,” Dustin York, an associate professor at Maryville University who specializes in nonverbal communication, tells HealthyWay. “Here in the United States, black is usually seen as a negative connotations. With other cultures, black is actually seen as a positive, clean color, almost like white is for people in the West. You will definitely see changes within cultures.”
There’s certainly something to be said for choosing colors carefully, but don’t expect any mystical energy to flow through your front door.

Claim 2: Bedroom organization can affect your energy levels throughout the day.

“To spread the good vibes or chi, you need the bed positioned as far away from the door as possible or diagonally from the door,” says Adam, head interior designer at Decorelo (he didn’t provide his last name). “Do not position in line with the door or too much chi will flow towards the bed.”
HealthyWay
We’re skeptical of that claim (sorry, Adam), but we could understand how putting a bed right next to a door could make a room appear somewhat cramped. We couldn’t find any research that looked at bed placement relative to bedroom doors (somehow, nobody’s funding that research).

However, we’re on board with this next bit:
“It is important that there is a gap under the bed to let the energy circulate around you while you have a good night’s sleep. Keeping the bedroom tidy and uncluttered should keep any negative vibes away, also.”
While we’re not strong believers in “energy,” air flow can certainly help to prevent dust and mold from accumulating on a mattress. If you can’t find a cheap frame, sleep blog Sleep Advisor recommends cleaning your floor and mattress regularly.
HealthyWay
We should also note that our feng shui expert is absolutely correct about clutter. A study from the American Academy of Sleep showed that people who sleep in extremely untidy bedrooms may be at risk for developing sleep disorders.
The key word there is “extreme,” as the study focused on people with mild to moderate hoarding problems, but it still demonstrates the importance of a clean, organized bedroom.
The takeaway: If you want to stay productive, stay organized. Our other feng shui experts agreed with that assessment.
HealthyWay
“In feng shui, the clutter symbolizes the unfinished work, so just remove every item without a practical purpose or those which don’t contribute to the overall look of the place,” says Lauryn Haynes, a home organizing expert at Star Domestic Cleaners in London.
That sounds perfectly reasonable to us.

Claim 3: Spread salt around your house and sing.

“Spread sea salt around the house and leave it for the next 24 hours to absorb the negative energy, then vacuum it all away singing joyful songs,” says feng shui expert and author Milana Perepyolkina. “Open all windows and go around the house clapping your hands, moving the negative energy out of the windows and inviting positive energy in through the doors.”
HealthyWay
Okay, we’re aware that this one sounds unorthodox, but science backs up Perepyolkina’s suggestions—just not the reasoning behind her suggestions.
Salt might not actually absorb negative energy, per se, but it’s fairly good at absorbing some odors. To take you back to high school chemistry class, a salt is an acid combined with a base, and table salt (sodium chloride) is relatively pH-neutral. When salt contacts the chemical compounds that cause odors, it sometimes helps to break those compounds up and reduce their acidity, neutralizing the smell. The vacuuming certainly helps. We’d classify nasty odors as “bad energy,” so we’re on board with that part of Perepyolkina’s advice.
HealthyWay
As for “singing joyful songs,” that sounds ridiculous, but it’s actually a pretty decent suggestion. A 2004 study showed that singers have lower levels of cortisol—a stress hormone—than the control group.
However, there’s a catch: The study looked at group singers, so to get the best possible effect, you’ll want to get a friend to sing with you.

Claim 4: Talk to your pillow before you go to sleep.

“Trust me on this,” says Perepyolkina, “your possessions absorb good energy and then share it with you while you sleep.”
HealthyWay
We really like her attitude, but sadly, we could not find any research that supports this idea. While you’re certainly free to engage in some pillow talk, you’d spend your time more effectively by researching pillows. One study showed that certain pillows can contribute to sleep disorders and advised using latex pillows to limit arm and spinal pain.
To give Perepyolkina the benefit of the doubt, talking to a pillow could be seen as a form of meditation. That’s certainly a helpful practice; numerous studies show that mindfulness meditation can fight insomnia and improve the overall quality of sleep.

Claim 5: Clean your windows to improve your perspective.

“The windows symbolize your eyes looking at the world,” says Haynes. “Clean windows can help you see things clearly, while dirty ones can only limit your perspective. Grab some old newspaper and a mixture of white vinegar and water, and voila.”
HealthyWay
Again, we don’t disagree with the advice, just the reasoning behind the advice. We’re not sure about windows symbolizing perspective, but they do let in daylight. One study showed that office workers report better overall health and fewer sleep disturbances when they have access to a window during work hours.
Researchers believe that daylight inhibits melatonin production, which allows for a healthy sleep cycle. To stay happy and healthy, you’d better keep your windows clean—and Haynes is right to recommend old newspapers and white vinegar. Newspapers are made with soft, densely packed fibers that pick up dust without leaving behind streaks.
HealthyWay
Of course, newspaper subscriptions are dwindling in the United States. If you don’t have any old newspapers laying around, you can simply grab a high-quality microfiber cloth.

Claim 6: Cover your bedroom TV with fabric.

“The active energy of the TV has active energy which can be really disruptive to your sleep and the overall mood of the bedroom,” says Haynes. “You can simply cover it up with a beautiful fabric when not in use.”
Once again, while we’re skeptical about the “energy” talk, we can support this suggestion with good, hard science. A 2009 study from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine showed that television watching is an important determinant of sleep quality. People who watch more television tend to sleep worse, particularly if they watch TV around bedtime.

There’s also a growing body of research indicating that certain wavelengths of blue light can diminish sleep quality by messing with your body’s production of melatonin (that sleep hormone we mentioned earlier). Watch a stressful television show, and your body will produce hormones like cortisol, which certainly won’t help your cause.
Putting a piece of fabric in front of your television might conceivably stop you from using it as often since you’ll be less likely to walk across the room to remove the fabric when you could simply reach for a book. Just make sure not to substitute your phone, laptop, or tablet for your TV, as any of those items could cause similar sleep disturbances.

We should note that feng shui isn’t a religion.

Its practitioners approach its fundamental beliefs in different ways. Some see it as a simple way to organize more efficiently, while some designers take the whole “chi” thing to heart. Some feng shui adherents will undoubtedly disagree with some of the suggestions in this list, and some will adamantly insist that we’re incorrect in approaching this ancient philosophy with science.
Our goal isn’t to paint the philosophy as ridiculous, but only to show that when the mystical advice works, there’s generally a practical, scientific reason. When the advice doesn’t work, it’s not because of an imbalance of chi; it’s because your interior designer didn’t quite connect the dots.

Categories
Wellbeing

Man Up? According To Science, The Man Flu Might Have Merit

Do men really complain more when they’re sick? Do they really act like big babies when they get the sniffles? That’s the subtext behind the “Man Flu,” that sarcastic phrase describing how men deliberately overplay symptoms of illnesses (like the common cold) to gain sympathy from their partner.
But is this comical perception that men handle illness worse than women accurate? Or is it just an insulting stereotype or urban myth?
Perhaps the Man Flu is more than just a dismissive, mocking term. What if it has merit? What if men actually do experience sickness in a different way than women?
Well, science is now playing a part in the discussion. According to medical professor Kyle Sue, MD, men might not be complaining just to get attention. They may actually feel as rotten as they claim.
https://twitter.com/ChristianPlante/status/959227888292769792
Sue released a study on Dec. 11, 2017, entitled “The Science Behind ‘Man Flu’,” “to determine whether men really experience worse symptoms and whether this could have any evolutionary basis.”
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It is worth noting that Sue’s study was published in The BMJ’s December Holiday Issue, which is the one issue a year when the journal takes a tongue-in-cheek approach to its subjects. Sue writes that he was inspired to do the study because he was “tired of being accused of overreacting.”
But despite the article’s comedic angle, Sue wrote that the no joke: “Men may not be exaggerating symptoms, but [they] have weaker immune responses to viral respiratory viruses, leading to greater morbidity and mortality than seen in women.”


So let’s take a look at the research to see why the Man Flu might not be such a laughing matter after all.

It’s all about the hormones.

Sue drew upon several studies of mice, which he declares are “good models for human physiology.” And his research revealed that female mice have stronger immune systems than male mice. The reason? Hormones.
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Board certified infectious disease physician Amesh Adalja says that while more research needs to be done to validate Sue’s claims, his theory isn’t so far-fetched: “Men and women obviously have different levels of estrogen and testosterone, and those hormones do influence a person’s immune response. The majority of symptoms someone experiences with influenza are an interaction between the virus and the immune system. What some studies suggest are that the higher levels of testosterone that are found in men do cause a more robust immune response, therefore more severe symptoms. So there is biological plausibility for the experience of influenza being more severe for a male than a female.”
HealthyWay
Dena Nader, MD, regional medical director at MedExpress Urgent Care, expands upon this, saying, “Men, in general, have weaker immune systems than women due to hormonal differences. Take the female hormone estrogen, for example. Estrogen boosts the immune system, which makes it easier for women to recover more quickly and may even help take the edge off of symptoms. The male hormone testosterone, on the other hand, suppresses the immune system and makes for a longer-lasting, more severe illness.”
What’s more, Nader says that Sue’s theory of an “immunity gap,” which suggests that sex hormonal differences may affect the effectiveness of flu vaccines “could also play a role in how well the immune system can do its job in protecting the body from viruses.”

It’s a numbers game.

Another factor that could support Sue’s theory is that men are more prone to illness. This evidence came to light in a separate study, done in 2010 by the University of Cambridge entitled “The Evolution of Sex-Specific Immune Defenses,” which used a mathematical model that posits that men get sick, and sicker more often, than women.
HealthyWay
Olivier Restif, PhD, an epidemiology lecturer the University of Cambridge, discussed the study with The Telegraph, saying that “in many cases, males tend to be more prone to getting infected or less able to clear infection.
Ultimately, the study states that sex differences in immunities came about due to evolution, leading to “lower resistance in males, ultimately leading to the counterintuitive situation where males with higher susceptibility or exposure to infection than females evolve lower immunocompetence.”
HealthyWay
It suggests that men were more concerned with mating than with recuperating, while women were more focused on staying healthy.
More statistics seem to bear this out, including this 2014 study that revealed more adult men suffered lethal cases of the flu virus than women (regardless of other underlying serious conditions) between 1997 to 2007, while a 2015 study entitled “Age and Sex Differences in Rates of Influenza-Associated Hospitalizations in Hong Kong” observed that men under 18 and most over 40 were admitted to hospitals at a higher rate than women in those same age ranges.
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Adalja adds that men make it worse for themselves since they’re less likely to go to the doctor than women: “There’s definitely a discrepancy between male and female health behaviors. …It’s hard to untangle some of the biology from some of the cultural differences between males and females. It’s true that if you wait longer to go to the doctor, your symptoms are going to be worse, and you have to couple that that there are some hormonal defensive issues with how males and females handle influenza viruses.”

It’s all in the mind.

It’s not just hormones or lack of self-care that suggests Man Flu might be for real. The mind could also be a major factor with how men process illness. And according to a 2016 study from Stanford University, another reason men may experience more severe flu or cold symptoms is about how big their brains are. Or at least, the size of their preoptic area.
HealthyWay
It turns out that this portion of the brain, which helps regulate fevers during infections, is larger in men than women. This could potentially result in symptoms feeling more severe for men.
And there could be another mental issue at play: a separate study from the University of Glasgow suggests that men are less in touch with their biofeedback signals (which help us understand how our body feels), and that could result in reporting their symptoms are more severe than they truly are.

So…is the Man Flu real or not?

Can we now definitively say there is a Man Flu? And do men overstate their symptoms when they get sick? The debates continue.


Unsurprisingly, Sue’s study has had more than its fair share of critics. Ed Cara of Gizmodo took Sue to task for trying to sell satire as medical research, only to have the doctor double down on his observations. “The research is all real,” the doctor responded, “despite the humorous lens it’s being examined through.”
In an interview with CNN, Sabra L. Klein, PhD, associate professor at Johns Hopkins University’s Bloomberg School of Public Health, says that Sue’s research doesn’t factor in age, noting that while young men (pre-puberty) and men over 65 are consistently hospitalized more than women of the same ages; females are hospitalized more during their reproductive years as pregnant women have more severe reactions to the flu virus.
She also adds that studies in countries where women have less access to medical care could result in statistics that aren’t fully representative of their population: “In my opinion, we do not yet have enough science to conclude that ‘man flu’ is real.”
Adalja tends to think the notion of Man Flu is also a misnomer, as the study specifically looks at how both sexes react to influenza, not some separate strain of flu only men are prone to. In other words, if we’re going to seriously suggest men react stronger to symptoms, such a divisive, farcical term may be counterproductive.
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Nader adds that even if Man Flu doesn’t technically exist, it’s worth acknowledging that the sexes do experience health issues quite differently: “For years, we’ve known that men are more prone to certain diseases, like diabetes and cardiovascular disease, and we test them earlier and treat them differently than we would a woman because of that. Why would the cold or flu be any different?”

How to Treat the Man Flu (If It’s Really a Thing)

So, to play devil’s advocate—if Man Flu is real (or if men experience the flu more severely, according to Adalja), what’s the best method of treatment?
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Sue offered his own prescription in the conclusion of his study, which drew chuckles from some and eye rolls from others: “Perhaps now is the time for male-friendly spaces, equipped with enormous televisions and reclining chairs, to be set up where men can recover from the debilitating effects of man flu in safety and comfort.”
In the end, there are tried and true methods to treat the flu (or other respiratory infections), and they work for both genders: Drink plenty of fluids, get lots of rest, use humidifiers (or take hot showers to breathe in steam), and take cough suppressants and fever reducers if needed.
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And if you’re still not better in five to seven days, head to your doctor for a checkup.
The Man Flu may be a source of humor to some and annoyance to others, but perhaps we can come together over the realization that it’s just no fun being sick, and no one wants to suffer in silence.
Maybe that last bit is key, according to Jennifer Capezzuti, DO, an internist with Tenet Florida Physician Services, who adds that to be fair to men, a 2010 survey showed that “women call in sick twice as often as men do.”
However, men shouldn’t feel too emboldened by that factoid, because: “Women are 10 times more likely than men to stay at home to care for sick children and elderly relatives.” She suggests that to truly examine whether the Man Flu is a thing, perhaps it is worth contemplating, “If a man has the flu in a forest and no one is around, is it still the Man Flu?”