Since starting my family, I’ve taken at least a dozen pregnancy tests. It’s always such a rush of emotions: a dose of excitement, a little fear, and lots of anticipation. My hands usually shake as I open the package, review the instructions, pee…and then wait. Is there a new little life forming inside my womb? Will I see two lines or one? With the line be too faint to read? Am I testing too early? Do these dollar store pregnancy tests really work?
They do work, I can assure you, and I’m so happy my midwife encouraged me to stop spending more than necessary for at-home pregnancy tests!
In the 21st century, it’s easy to determine whether or not you’re pregnant. But just two generations ago, things weren’t as predictable. In the 1940s, when my grandmother was first expecting, there were no tests she could take at home. It took a visit to the doctor and lots of waiting to determine if there was a bun in the oven.
It wasn’t until 1976 that the first FDA approved at-home pregnancy test, called e.p.t., short for “Early Pregnancy Test” and later “Error Proof Test.” In 1977, it hit the market. “For your $10,” read a 1978 article in the magazine Mademoiselle, “you get pre-measured ingredients consisting of a vial of purified water, a test tube containing, among other things, sheep red blood cells…as well as a medicine dropper and clear plastic support for the test tube, with an angled mirror at the bottom.” e.p.t./Jezebel
That test took two hours to produce results. Considering my complaints about the two minutes I’ve had to wait for my own fate…well, let’s just say that I’m thrilled I didn’t start taking pregnancy tests until 2010!
Nonetheless, women immediately appreciated the convenience of at-home testing. “By 1978 home testing was a $40 million market,” The New York Times reports, and that number is expected to exceed $1 billion by 2020, said the co-inventor of Lia, “the first flushable, biodegradable home pregnancy test.” More on Lia later. Lia inventors Bethany Edwards (left) and Anna Simpson demonstrate the biodegradability of the new pregnancy test (TechCrunch via Philly.com)
Seeing that women have been suspecting pregnancy and having babies since the beginning of human history, there were plenty of other ways to confirm—or try to confirm—pregnancy before home testing became available. Some realistic, others…well, read on.
The First Urine Test
The Egyptians were the first to discover a somewhat accurate way to determine pregnancy around 1350 BCE, according to the NIH report.
It was similar to modern days tests in the fact that urine was tested, but in the Egyptians’ case, the wondering woman would urinate on a barley and wheat seeds over the course of a few days. If the seeds grew, she was expecting. If they did not, she was not.
This theory was tested in 1963, and scientists found it to have a surprising level of accuracy when it came to pregnancy: 70 percent. “Scholars have identified this as perhaps the first test to detect a unique substance in the urine of pregnant women, and have speculated that elevated levels of estrogens in pregnant women’s urine may have been the key to its success,” wrote the National Institute of Health’s office of history.
French Persuasian
Jacques Guillemeau, a 16th century surgeon, believed that a woman’s eyes were the tip-off for pregnancy. The front page of Guillemeau’s “Child-birth; Or, The Happy Delivery of Women,” translated to English in 1639 (via ResearchGate)
In Child-birth; Or, The Happy Delivery of Women, he wrote that a pregnant woman’s eyes become deep-set with small pupils. They would also have droopy eyelids and swollen veins in the corners. Well, it turns out none of Guillemeau’s observations are indicative of a bun in the oven, though eyesight does often change during pregnancy. James Read Chadwick (Harvard University via Wikimedia Commons)
Jump ahead to the 19th century, and another French physician, James Read Chadwick, observed that a woman’s cervix, labia, and vagina would significantly darken or turn a blue color hue around the eighth week of pregnancy. This sign is accurate, but was an unlikely test due to the modesty of the times. Still, the method has been historically noted and today is often called the Chadwick’s sign.
A Hop and a Prayer
“When I started medical school, we literally had to wait for the rabbit to die to see if someone was pregnant,” recalled Mary Jane Minkin, MD, in a previous interview with HealthyWay.
Starting in the 1930s and lasting into the ’70s, a somewhat barbaric test was done where a woman’s urine was injected into the veins of a live, female rabbit. If the pregnancy hormone human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) was present in the urine, the rabbit would ovulate and confirm that the woman was pregnant.
“Unfortunately, this method came at a tremendous cost to the rabbits—their lives!” wrote Jenny Lelwica Buttaccio for HealthyWay. “The rabbit’s ovaries couldn’t be seen without an autopsy or surgery to remove the ovaries; the latter was typically deemed a waste of effort.”
A similar test could be done with African clawed toad, but, since toads externally ovulate through spawning, the test didn’t cost them their lives. Rather, frogs were just observed to see if they would spawn within 24 hours of the injection.
To Wait, Or To Test
The most basic and non-invasive way to determine pregnancy has always been to pay attention to symptoms. Pregnancy symptoms peak early in the first trimester, so if exact conception dates are not known, other signs surely tell the tale.
Sunny Jun, MD of The Colorado Center of Reproductive Medicine San Francisco lists the following and signs that usually mean a baby is on board: missed period, swollen and tender breasts, increased fatigue, moodiness, nausea, food aversions or cravings, spotting, headaches, and light headedness.
But those symptoms don’t always point to pregnancy. Hence, the interest in pregnancy tests: something more exact. Women have always craved answers about their bodies, then and most definitely now.
Now, when a woman browses the aisles of the drugstore, she has countless options of at-home pregnancy tests. They all, in effect, do the same thing: evaluate the concentration of the hCG. If taken in the proper window, the tests are 99 percent accurate, according to the Mayo Clinic.
“A urine or blood pregnancy test is checking for the beta subunit of the [hCG] hormone,” says Jun. “The urine test can detect as early as several days prior to the two weeks after ovulation. If done too early, it may come back as falsely negative.” For optimal accuracy, the Mayo Clinic recommends women take at-home tests one day to one week after their missed period.
Blood tests are more accurate but require a visit to the doctor, whereas a urine test can be done at home…or in the bathroom of the store where the test was purchased, if time is of the essence!
What All Pregnancy Tests Have in Common
No matter the testing method—modern day or way back when—there are a number of commonalities when trying to find out if a woman is pregnant. First, is the analysis of urine. This is most common and most accurate, although as we’ve learned the accuracy wavered over time depending on the exact method.
Second is the observation of physical changes. Accuracy varies greatly with this, but upon conception, a woman’s body begins to change inside and out. Eventually, whether through a test, calculated dates, or a growing belly bump, pregnancy becomes obvious.
What’s next?
It has been four decades since the at-home pregnancy test became available for regular consumers. Science and medical advances are made every day, and yet, for years, there have been no updates in the realm of pregnancy testing. Until now. Lia Diagnostics Inc. (via Today’s Parent)
In mid-2018, a new pregnancy test launches from Lia Diagnostics.
Lia, as the test is being called, is 99 percent accurate and encompasses the same science as the tests that currently line drugstore shelves. But there is one important difference: Lia is flushable and therefore “better for the environment and more discrete for women,” according to Jun.
Just like other at-home pregnancy tests, Lia assesses the level of hCG in a woman’s urine. Simply pee on the stick, lay it flat, and read the line(s) that appear. One line is negative, two lines, positive. Then, though, you can flush the test. That’s the game changer.
All other pregnancy tests are plastic and must be thrown in the garbage. This is both bad for the environment and bad for the suspecting woman’s privacy. With a flushable test, not only can the test stay out of the landfill, the results can be kept private. A woman can choose to reveal her positive or negative test to whomever she chooses, whenever she chooses, without fear of the results being discovered in the waste bin.
From the days of watching wheat and barley seeds grow, to the discreet, flushable hCG-reading devices on the horizon, pregnancy tests span a huge portion of human history. They show how far science has come.
In coming years, advancements will surely be made in the rate of accuracy in detecting early pregnancy. Currently, the most sensitive test reads with a 79 percent accuracy at six days before a woman’s missed period. Perhaps one day it will be even earlier with an even higher rate of accuracy.
I was 32 years old when I had my first serious battle with loneliness. Gradually, I began to develop a list of health problems. Dizziness. Insomnia. Fatigue. Heart palpitations. A burning sensation along my spinal cord and in my brain. Weight loss. Sensitivity to light and sound.
I dragged myself from doctor to doctor—close to 20 of them in all—but none of them knew what was wrong with me. Eventually, I had to take a three-month medical leave of absence from my job as an occupational therapist. I had high hopes that 12 weeks of rest would revive my drained body, but that’s not how things played out. Three months turned into nine months, and I was involuntarily terminated from my employment because I was too sick to return.
My body was weak, and my spirit was crushed. How was it possible that I built a career by helping people, and yet, I was unhelpable? I felt like a failure, and I wondered why my body couldn’t just plow through these crippling symptoms. Instead of toughing out the mysterious illness, one day, my body collapsed, and I could no longer get out of bed. As my health continued to decline, I spent my days maneuvering between the couch and the bed.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Whereas most people associate loneliness and isolation with interpersonal loss, those with CMCs (chronic medical conditions) also experience the loss of control over their bodies and the impact that has on their identity and relationships.”
—Elizabeth Aram, PsyD[/pullquote]
Sadly, I became too ill to leave the house or, at times, even talk on the phone. I lived with my husband, who had been forced into the role of my caregiver, and my two senior beagles. One by one, I lost contact with my friends, and most of my family lived out of state. Months passed before I had any face-to-face contact with other people. I was profoundly lonely—I craved human contact—but my symptoms isolated me from everyone except the medical professionals who were trying to help me.
After a few years, a doctor diagnosed me with a persistent case of Lyme disease—an illness that, when not caught in an acute stage, can lead to chronic and disabling symptoms. At the time of my diagnosis, I’d been bedridden for nearly two years. The prolonged period of social separation was undoubtedly the darkest time in my life, and I’ve had an ongoing fight to regain some semblance of my former self.
During my journey toward healing from a chronic illness, I’ve learned that many people battle feelings of loneliness and isolation. A survey conducted on behalf of the American Osteopathic Association found that 72 percent of Americans have felt lonely.
With so many people lacking meaningful relationships, I began to wonder what effects long-term loneliness has on our health. And for those of us with chronic illnesses, can the drawn-out periods of loneliness influence our symptoms? Let’s take a closer look.
Who’s affected by loneliness, and how does it impact our health?
“Loneliness and isolation affect all human beings, so patient demographics are widely diverse in age, gender, race, culture, religion, and socioeconomic status,” says Elizabeth Aram, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist in Illinois.
“Another subgroup of patients whose experience of loneliness and isolation are particularly poignant are those diagnosed with chronic medical conditions (CMCs). Whereas most people associate loneliness and isolation with interpersonal loss, those with CMCs also experience the loss of control over their bodies and the impact that has on their identity and relationships.”
Although much of the research surrounding loneliness has been done on the senior community in America, it seems no one is immune from its impact. In 2017, the American Psychological Association released a statement at their 125th annual conference which read: “Loneliness and social isolation may represent a greater public health hazard than obesity, and their impact has been growing and will continue to grow.” Ultimately, long-term loneliness may place people at a greater risk of experiencing negative physiologic changes in the brain and body.
“Long-term loneliness is also associated with inflammation and dysfunction in our immune, hormonal, and cardiovascular systems,” says Aram. “It can increase levels of stress hormones, overwork the heart, and reduce the quality of sleep. Over time, the damage can limit our ability to fight infection and heal after trauma.”
[pullquote align=”center”]”On the positive side, I believe many people ultimately adjust to pain and loss and learn to view their strength and resilience as part of their story.”
—Elizabeth Aram, PsyD[/pullquote]
“Moreover, as we age, it is important to keep our brain stimulated to protect from degenerative conditions like dementia. Without adequate opportunities for social connection and mental stimulation, we may experience greater deterioration in cognitive and emotional functioning.”
Why are so many people lonely?
“Lack of support is just one of many factors that contribute to loneliness. Failure, disappointment, regret, rejection, emotional invalidation, pain, and loss are all frequently associated with experiences of loneliness or isolation,” says Aram.
A 2015 study in Health Psychologynoted older adults who have chronic illnesses were more likely to report feelings of loneliness. But chronically ill individuals of all ages struggle with loneliness and social isolation from their family and peer groups. Aram cites limitations to freedom, mobility, and social connections as contributing factors to the feelings of loneliness and social isolation—though more research is needed to find out just how widespread these issues are among other age groups.
“On the positive side,” Aram says, “I believe many people ultimately adjust to pain and loss and learn to view their strength and resilience as part of their story.”
Although Aram has never met me in person, it’s as if she read my mind. Through my personal experiences with long-term loneliness, I too believe people can adjust to pain and loss, persevere, and discover newfound strength and depth. So, how do you make it through the desolate sea of chronic illness and symptoms that isolate you and come out on the other side?
How do you navigate loneliness?
My sincerest desire for chronically ill individuals is that I could provide easy answers to overcome feelings of loneliness and isolation, but that isn’t the case. Like many aspects of treating and healing from an illness, combatting loneliness and isolation requires commitment, self-care, and, at times, willingness: a willingness to be temporarily vulnerable and try something different than what you’re accustomed to doing. Adrienne Clements, a licensed marriage and family therapist associate, integrative psychotherapist, and relationship counselor in Texas, says loneliness and isolation require both internal and external actions to overcome them. “The first step is to name and accept what you are feeling and remind yourself that loneliness and isolation are normal human experiences which are trying to motivate you to connect. Without awareness and self-compassion, it’s hard to take action to create positive change,” she says.
While many of us with chronic illnesses have felt the yearning for human interaction like Clements describes, we become static—unsure of what to do next. Clements adds, “Second is to identify some reasonable ways to increase your connection with others, and then force yourself to take action in spite of the loneliness.”
“Examples include reaching out to friends or family members instead of waiting to hear from them, getting out of the house—whether to connect with friends or simply to be in public and around others—get a pet, and get involved by volunteering or joining a club or group.”
To further the idea that all individuals, including those who are chronically ill, must implement steps toward fruitful change, David Kaplan, PhD, chief professional officer at the American Counseling Association, suggests inviting people to your home. “It may be for just a few minutes, but it is the quality, not the quantity of social relationships that counts. Being around someone you truly like for 15 minutes is more beneficial than spending an entire day with a family member that you can’t stand.”
Does social media impact isolation? Can our online relationships break the loneliness and isolation many of us feel?
Aram cautions against the use of social media to combat loneliness and isolation, though she affirms it has its place, “I think social media has both positive and negative influences on our experiences of loneliness and isolation. It can be a source of connection for those who have limited mobility, as well as a celebrated source of entertainment and personal expression,” she says.
“On the other hand, we live in a comparison culture where technology makes it easy for us to see the idealized version of everyone’s lives. Thus, some may experience social media as a constant reminder of what they are missing, leading to feelings of frustration and low self-worth.”
But Kaplan says as much as he—a part of the baby boomer generation—would like to say that social media makes our situations worse, there is little research to back up this claim. Instead, he says, “Healthy social relationships are healthy social relationships. If the relationship happens through social media, that is fine.” According to Kaplan, the primary key to relationships on social media is “to terminate the unhealthy ones.”
At what point should you seek professional services?
If, despite your best efforts, you can’t seem to shake your feelings of long-term loneliness and isolation, you should seek out a mental health professional.
“A person should seek professional help from a therapist or doctor if loneliness or isolation is making it difficult for them to function in their daily life or they are experiencing suicidal thoughts,” Clements recommends. “Loneliness can be overcome, but only with self-action and support.”
A staple of dorm rooms around the world, ramen noodles remain the go-to food of choice for those living on tight budgets. In fact, ask any college student if they eat prepackaged ramen and they’ll likely skip right to their favorite flavors. Why so popular? You can pick up a week’s worth of meals for a few measly dollars.
On top of their affordability, the noodle bricks are good for those with limited access to kitchens. See, you only need to add one ingredient to ramen: hot water. This makes ramen noodles accessible to those with the most limited of cooking resources.
But as of late, the ramen tide is shifting. Upscale versions of ramen dishes have soared their way into restaurants, ranging from small pop-ups to five-star dining experiences. According to Fast Company, New York and Los Angeles are “saturated with gourmet ramen shops,” and their ramen supplier, Sun Noodle, produces about 90,000 servings of ramen per day. Chefs at Ippudo, a ramen restaurant in New York (Robert Wright/The New York Times)
This uptick in gourmet ramen consumption is due to restaurant owners following a longstanding Japanese marketing strategy, according to the Fast Company piece: Restaurateurs manufactured a food craze by using the media to their advantage and securing coverage on food blogs.
Now, with ramen noodles consumed by anyone from wallet-conscious students to gourmet diners, enthusiasts of this food should familiarize themselves with its (lack of) nutritional value.
Serving up Sodium
This might surprise you, but a package of ramen noodles’ serving size is only half a block. This means you ingest about 830-850 milligrams of sodium per serving—twice that if you eat the entire package.
According to the 2015-2020 Dietary Guidelines for Americans, you should consume less than 2,300 mg of sodium per day. “To do the math, by consuming one pack of ramen, you are consuming 72-73 percent of your daily sodium allowance,” says Jennifer Kanikula, a registered dietitian and blogger at The SoFull Traveler.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says that your body does need sodium to function properly, but too much of it is bad for your health. Sodium can increase blood pressure and boost your risk for stroke and heart disease.
Even children are not immune to sodium issues. Almost nine out of 10 children eat more sodium than recommended, and one in nine has elevated blood pressure.
Ramen Research
A study published in the Journal of Nutrition shows that eating instant noodles is linked to heart risk, especially in women. Researchers in South Korea (a country with a high consumption rate of instant noodles) used 10,700 participants (54.5 percent women) ranging in age from 19 to 64.
They assessed the people’s diets using a 63-item food-frequency questionnaire and identified two major dietary patterns: a traditional dietary pattern that was rich in rice, fish, vegetables, fruit, and potatoes, and a meat- and fast-food dietary pattern that had less rice intake but was rich in meat, soda, and fast food, including instant noodles.
Researchers found that those who followed the second dietary pattern had a higher prevalence of abdominal obesity. Further, the women who ate instant noodles at least twice a week had higher incidence of metabolic syndrome. Metabolic syndrome includes health risk factors such as obesity, high blood pressure, elevated blood sugar, and high cholesterol—basically anything that can increase your risk of heart disease and type 2 diabetes. It did not even matter what type of dietary pattern they followed—sixty eight percent off women who ate ramen twice or more per week had metabolic syndrome.
In a study conducted by Stefani Bardin, a teacher at Parsons School of Design, and Braden Kuo, MD, director of the gastrointestinal motility laboratory at Massachusetts General Hospital at Harvard University, it was found that instant ramen is difficult to digest.
In their study, Bardin and Kuo asked two volunteers to eat different meals: One had a meal of processed food, instant ramen being the main course, and the other ate a meal consisting of handmade noodles. After eating, the participants swallowed tiny camera capsules that recorded the inside of their gastrointestinal tracts. Results showed significant differences in the processes; the instant ramen did not break down into the tiny matter necessary for proper digestion, and the other meal did.
Although this is not positive news, ramen noodle lovers do not need to fret. According to an article published in The New York Times, you can still eat instant noodles, just in moderation. Frank Hu, professor of nutrition and epidemiology at Harvard University, said in the article, “Once or twice a month is not a problem. But a few times a week really is.”
Instant comfort?
Under duress, people often turn to eating ramen noodles as a way to make themselves feel better. Stressed college women are likely to experience an increased appetite and propensity to consume unhealthy foods, according to a study in Nutrition Research.
It’s not just women who indulge in comfort eating, either—a study in Physiology & Behavior shows that while women are more likely to increase food consumption while stressed, stressed women and men increase their intakes of unhealthy (particularly fatty) foods.
In terms of ramen, it seems men may be more likely to eat it when stressed: Men more often report seeking out “hearty, meal-related comfort foods,” whereas women often prefer “snack-related” comfort foods like chocolate and ice cream.
But research indicates stress eating is a short-lived, and short-sighted, stress solution. While “comfort eaters may experience reduced perceived stress compared to those who do not engage in this behavior,” per research in the journal Appetite, another study shows that combining food with stress “promotes the compulsive nature of overeating.” The mood-improving effects of tasty (as opposed to “unpalatable”) chocolate only last for three minutes, a third study finds.
In a sense, people use food they enjoy as a form of self-medication when they experience bad days. Ramen noodles, for some, is that medication. And when you pair those noodles with healthy trimmings, it can become a wiser choice than a piece of chocolate cake.
How to Make It Healthier
If you limit the amount of noodles to keep the sodium down but beef up the dish with healthy options, you can create a hearty, tasty meal fit for one—or your entire family.
Here are a few options:
Add in protein.
“The best way to up the health factor of ramen dishes is to choose lean protein sources to go with it,” says Emily Braaten, a registered dietitian. She notes that numerous restaurant entrees feature fatty meats. “These kinds of protein make the dishes richer, but also are high in saturated fat.” She says instead, when cooking at home, you can add shredded chicken (or other lean meats) and a soft- or hard-boiled egg.
Ditch the flavor pack and augment the dish with your own savory seasonings.
“Add more flavor with herbs and less sodium,” says registered dietitian nutritionist Rebecca Scritchfield. “Try steeping fresh mint and cilantro in the hot broth and use your own salt plus red pepper flakes for spice instead of [using] the instant sodium packets.”
Mix in your favorite vegetables.
Any veggies you have in your refrigerator or freezer will work, says Scritchfield. “Or leftover roasted veggies can be added to ramen to make it more colorful and more balanced.”
Women should consume 130 grams of carbohydrates per day. Carbohydrate equivalents: One cup of fresh cooked, no-salt-added broccoli and spinach = 11 grams. One cup of frozen spinach = 8 grams. One cup of yellow and white canned corn = 30 grams.
Give soba a try.
Rather than cook with high-sodium ramen noodles, try switching to soba noodles, a healthier alternative.
“Soba is actually made of buckwheat, which contains no wheat or gluten,” says Monica Auslander Moreno, a registered dietitian. “Buckwheat has much more protein, fiber, vitamins and minerals than wheat noodles—13 grams of protein per 100 grams, 10 grams of fiber per 100 grams, and 57 percent of the daily value of magnesium.”
Bonus: soba noodles have a “nuttier taste and are not as bland as the regular wheat noodles.” She does note that you will still consume a lot of starch, but, she emphasizes, it is healthier starch.
Cook Like a Ramen Master
So, you’ve decided you can’t give up your ramen noodles. That is no problem—up your ramen prowess and cook healthier versions of the dish by simply following the sage cooking advice of celebrated chef Tracy Chang, a ramen noodles master. Her award-winning Guchi’s Midnight Ramen dish, available at her restaurant PAGU, won Best Ramen by Boston Magazine. Chang (Paige Ninivaggi/Boston Herald)
Here are Chang’s ramen cooking tips:
You can amplify the flavor of the dish by adding in dried shiitake mushrooms. This vegetable has vitamins D, B, and C. It also contains essential minerals like zinc, iron, and potassium.
For protein, dried seafood contains calcium, iron, and omega 3s for skin and hair.
When making your own stock, you should cook the bones at a boil, and then at a simmer. You can choose either a pork or chicken bone, depending on your taste preference. Doing this releases essential minerals from the marrow and bone.
Adding gelatin helps boost the immune system. “Gelatin comes from the skin and fat (for example, chicken backs, chicken feet and pork belly),” she says.
The Final Slurp
Ramen noodles do contain excessive amounts of sodium, and too much of it can lead to significant health issues in the future. However, if you simply limit the noodles and amplify your dish with tasty vegetables, lean proteins, and bone broth, you can satisfy your noodle love while still getting the necessary nutrients to keep you focused and strong.
“I always had an extreme sweet tooth,” confesses Kari Hamilton, a mom of four who has transformed her eating habits from the inside out. “I would bake a ridiculous amount of cookies and eat a dozen.”
Difficult pregnancies due to hyperemesis gravidarum spurred Hamilton to restructure her diet with the help of a wise nutritionist, and she eliminated inflammatory foods altogether. Since turning her diet around, Hamilton happily says, “I feel sustained and energized because my body is getting the fuel it needs to take care of my husband and four kids.” What a concept—trading treats for energy!
It’s easy to invite popular snack foods and treats into our daily food selection, and it takes a daunting amount of commitment to seek out healthier, more natural options. These snack foods are undeniably enticing—they’re delicious! But it isn’t just the taste that keeps us coming back for more. In fact, there is quite the scheme propelling popular snack foods into—and keeping them in—our daily lives.
Most popular snack foods come from large brands with giant advertising budgets. Their goal is to get their product into the hands and hearts of consumers. Teams of marketing experts lead this cause and, with their ample funds, have catapulted many not-so-healthy foods into society’s diet. Their task has science on its side—these snacks draw us in from first bite, addicting us with sugar and carbs that provide short-term highs.
Jeanette Kimszal, a registered dietitian nutritionist shares exactly how this happens: “[Popular snacks] are engineered with just the right sweet and salty tastes to trigger pleasure areas in the brain. Liking these sensations, the brain wants to experience them over and over, so you become hooked on these foods.”
Although addicting might sound like a strong word, it’s definitely accurate. The New York Times described the situation in a 2014 article: “In animal studies, animals experience sugar like a drug and can become sugar-addicted. One study has shown that if given the choice, rats will choose sugar over [coke] in lab settings because the reward is greater; the ‘high’ is more pleasurable.” So there you have it, the proof is in, dare I say, the sugar-filled pudding.
Has your brain been taught to reach for these addictive foods? Is one in particular coming to mind?
Below you’ll find a line up of popular snack foods that are hiding terrible secrets, whether that’s sugar content, chemical-coated bags, or “vanishing caloric density.” Brace yourself—you might be a bit alarmed by what we’ve uncovered. But the good news is, if you’re willing to break your addiction, we’ve rounded up some amazing and healthy alternatives that your body will learn to love.
Plain is best.
Greek yogurt is all the rage. And rightly so: It’s so tasty, it’s practically dessert! But this “health food,” depending on the type, is full of sugar. “Flavored Greek yogurts have 12–15 grams of sugar per small portion,” says Paul Salter, a registered dietitian and former nutrition editor of bodybuilding.com.
Salter proposes a much better alternative than the pre-sweetened yogurts filling grocery store shelves: “Plain, low-fat Greek yogurt plus properly portioned additives of your choosing to enhance the taste, such as dark cocoa powder, oats, honey, fresh fruit, cinnamon.”
Honestly, a “yogurt bar” of sorts with all those natural additions sounds like a smorgasbord I can get on board with.
Don’t drench your veggies with this.
Choosing veggies as a snack or side dish is fabulous, but there is one way to spoil those good intentions: salad dressing, especially low-fat, low-calorie ones. According to Salter, they’re “loaded with sugars and trans fats to compensate for the reduction in fat.”
“Embrace the healthy fats found in oil-based dressings!” says Salter. “These fats support a healthy heart, possess anti-inflammatory properties, and may support optimal cognitive functioning; you may also look into lower-calorie Greek yogurt-based dressings.”
Again with that Greek yogurt. Best get that on my shopping list!
Get your crunch on!
Nacho Cheese, Cool Ranch, Spicy Sweet Chili: Do those varieties ring a bell? I’m sure they do, because Doritos have become a cultural icon and a snack that many of us love.
Kimszal has some sad news about these chips though. Not only does the Nacho Cheese flavor boast 140 calories per ounce (that’s just 11 chips!), they also list maltodextrin as the third ingredient. What’s maltodextrin, you ask?
“Maltodextrin is corn sugar,” Kimszal says. “As we know, sugar is very addicting, so you cannot just eat one chip. This is also true of any other chips with sugar.” So learn those hidden sugar words and watch out! For reference, Kimszal notes that sugar “is known as everything from maltodextrin to dextrose, corn syrup, and fruit juice concentrate.”
“The consumers are defenseless and have no idea there could be three types of sugar in one product. For example, [some kinds of] Ritz crackers have three types of sugar—sugar, maltodextrin, and high fructose corn syrup—but to the untrained eye, it only looks like one.”
Are there any healthier choices for the chip lover to embrace? First, Kimszal encourages us to wean ourselves off sugar slowly. Then, find better options to fill both the crunch and the sugar rush. For crunch, try nuts, seeds, and higher fiber crackers (three or four grams per serving) with no additives.
“If you are craving sugar,” she continues, “have a piece of fruit instead so you are getting fiber. Berries, pomegranates, apples, and oranges can be a good alternative to get natural sugar.”
For granola, it’s best to DIY.
Who doesn’t love granola? I, for one, am quite the fan of a bowl for breakfast and in bar form as a snack on the go, but Salter warns that some granola is “heavily processed and loaded with sugar.”
Although convenient, it’s best to do it yourself when it comes to granola. Buy your own ingredients and mix your heart out! Salter encourages making your own granola with a “focus on oats and portion control.” Here, we provide a recipe for low(er) sugar granola bars.
Pop away from this kind of popcorn.
Popcorn itself isn’t bad, but the microwave kind is holding on to a terrible secret. Well, maybe not so much of a secret, now that the FDA has exposed that perfluorinated grease-proofing agent, which often coat the bags, can have toxic effects on humans.
Luckily, there is an easy alternative to microwaving popcorn—the homemade, plain variety! This recipe from Baked Bree shows how quick and easy it is to make popcorn on your stovetop; or you can always purchase an air popper. Kimszal makes plain popcorn a real treat by tossing it with natural additives like “garlic or onion powder, cinnamon, or your own raw honey for a little sweetness and flavor.”
Orange and Addicting
Have you heard of the Cheeto effect? Food scientist Steven Witherly, PhD, believes these cheese puffs are one of the most addicting junk food options out there due to their “vanishing caloric density.”
He went into this in detail in a New York Timesinterview, saying, “If something melts down quickly, your brain thinks that there’s no calories in it … You can just keep eating it forever.”
Avoid mindless, empty calories by intentionally choosing the foods you want to enjoy. Portion them out, and be satisfied with a realistic snack.
The deception is in the name.
When you think fruit snacks, you think fruit, of course! And while fruit is healthy, fruit snacks are most definitely not. Many varieties have a touch of fruit, but Salter says they often have an “overstated vitamin/mineral content [and are] high in sugar.”
Don’t be fooled: Gummy fruit snacks are a dessert, and a sugary one at that. Rather than making them a favorite, turn to the real deal. Real fruit has true vitamins, minerals, and natural sugar your body can grow to love—and even crave!
Beware of these breakfast options.
“Most breakfast cereals,” Kimszal says, “even the ‘healthy’ ones, have a lot of chemical preservatives and are enriched with synthetic vitamins. They are not truly whole grains.”
Rather, she encourages steel cut oats or a chia bowl. She shares a quick, easy recipe for chia bowls: “Take one cup chia seeds and add one cup water, a fourth cup pumpkin seeds, and a little bit of unprocessed cacao and coconut flakes. Mix well and serve.”
Should you completely cut these popular snack foods from your diet?
Probably. But any step in the right direction is a good idea. Aiming for balance in your diet is a realistic goal. In a 2016 HealthyWay article, fitness instructor Shaun T recommended that you treat, not cheat. He did this by following the “85/15 rule.” Shaun T leading the “Insanity: Max 30” workout (via The Dysfunctional Parrot)
“I eat 85 percent foods that are healthy and 15 percent foods that are fun,” the fitness instructor of Insanity and Hip Hop Abs fame wrote. “Start by getting out a piece of paper and drawing a line straight down the middle. On the left hand side write down all the healthy foods that you like. On the right hand side write down some of the fun foods that you love. Make sure you are eating more from the left than you are the right, and don’t beat yourself up when you choose food from the fun category.”
Hallelujah and happy day. You don’t have to give up your precious chips or favorite sweet treat! Instead, you just need to temper their role in your life—an occasional snack versus a daily essential.
In 2008, a New Zealand couple made national headlines when a judge granted the court temporary custody of their 9-year-old daughter. The parents’ offense could possibly make this case one of the most unique tales of custody loss to date. Custody was granted to the court so that the nine year old could legally change her name from “Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii” to something a little more normal.
According to reports published by The Guardian in 2008, Rob Murfit, a family court judge, made the decision after learning of the child’s embarrassment. Apparently, she had taken to telling her school friends her name was “K” just to avoid revealing the truth. The reasoning behind the court’s decision was that strange names set children up for bullying, giving them a disadvantage in life. And Murfit accused the parents of poor judgement and putting the child in a position of social handicap.
Although losing custody might seem like a harsh consequence for giving a child a weird name, it’s important remember that what parents name their children matters. Of course, parents don’t need to be constrained to choosing from the top ten baby names of the year. They should, however, practice restraint when they begin to adventure into extremely unusual names and consider the potential consequences of their decision.
“When choosing a name for their child, parents should consider how the child will feel bearing that name during childhood and in adulthood,” says Fran Walfish, PsyD, Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist, author of The Self-Aware Parent. “Too often parents seem more preoccupied with their own name preferences.”
https://twitter.com/kait_nichols18/status/954077978169958405
“Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii” might be among the most outrageous names out there, but it definitely isn’t the only strange names parents have tried to get away with. In this case alone, the judge mentioned records of names like “Fish and Chips,” “Sex Fruit,” and “Keenan Got Lucy” as examples of some of the worst names parents had given their child. Take a look at a few more of the most unusual names out there.
The Strangest Baby Names Out There
In 1994, the Los Angeles Times reported on a couple from Japan who were in a legal battle with the Japanese government over what they had chosen to named their son. They had given him the name “Akuma,” which translates to “Devil” in Japanese. Although the family was initially allowed to legally give out this name, the Prime Minister’s cabinet eventually got involved. The family was ordered to select another name for the child, stating fears that the child would face bullying in the future.
In New Zealand, naming a baby requires a stamp of approval from the government. After denying a multitude of strange and cruel names, they chose to release an official statement sharing all of the names that are strictly off limits: Lucifer, Messiah, 4Real, and even Anal made the list, according to CNN.
France is another country who has a history of putting strict regulations on baby naming. Until 1993, parents actually had to pick from list of names provided by the government. Although they relaxed the laws after 1993, parents still can’t get away with trying to use an exceptionally strange name. According to Huffington Post, parents have recently been turned down when trying to name their child “Nutella” and “Strawberry” in France.
In Sweden, one couple chose a strange name for their child to make a point. Sweden has very strict naming laws and vetos names that don’t comply with those laws. This family decided to fight back, naming their child “Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116” in protest, according to BBC. The Swedish government did not approve it.
The “Why” Behind Strange Names
When you hear stories of outlandish names, you can’t help but wonder what exactly was going through the parents’ heads at the time. It’s one thing to want to make a point, but giving your child a name that could become a source of humiliation for the child is another story entirely.
In general, it seems parents who are willing to let their child suffer because of their unusual name are driven by self-centeredness. In fact, Walfish believes parents who pick extreme names are downright narcissistic.
my name is Danielle but no one ever spells it right and originally it was Shyann (dads choice) but my parents parted soon after so my mom (being petty like always) decided to change it and that’s that. https://t.co/YL7GN482FH
“Parents who name their kids really extreme names like ‘Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii’ have a piece of narcissism in their character organization,” she says. “People who are narcissistic, or have narcissistic traits, are missing the computer chip in their organized personalities to imagine the impact of their own behavior on others or empathize with others.”
Empathy is an important character trait for all human beings, but especially for parents charged with raising a child. Without empathy, many relationships are at risk of ruin. Feeling empathy is essential to returning the emotional needs of another person to make sure they feel understood, accepted, and validated, according to Walfish. And parents who aren’t able to empathize with their children are more likely to make foolish decisions without considering how it could harm their children.
https://twitter.com/madimae68/status/959150387499491328 Kerby Alvy, PsyD, clinical psychologist and author of Parenting Errors agreed, saying that many parents who choose unusual names for their children are more concerned about how that name with reflect back on them. They have certain thoughts about their own reputation or the reputation they would like to maintain, and naming their children is one more way to confirm that reputation.
How Strange Names Impact Childhood
“The name a child is given is a major shaper of one’s existence or one’s futures,” says Alvy. “There’s a history within certain cultures of naming kids with characteristics they want to see develop and actually work with their kids to develop those characteristics. So it’s not unusual in certain cultures that the name is actually given to try to bring out characteristics in their children.”
This is one of many reasons Alvy believes what parents name their children matters. A name shapes what a child believes about themselves and often how they are perceived by others. What a child is named is a central part of their self-identification, according to Walfish.
“Around age 3 to 4, every boy and girl needs to make a positive self-identification,” she explains. “If the child gets negative messages from his peers … and it makes the child feel self-conscious, it risks the child feeling a negative sense of self related to his or her name.”
My name also has several accents in it from start to finish to help you better pronounce it but my keyboard is not havin it. Kids made fun of my accent marks so I stopped putting them on my work after the 4th grade.
And when it comes to incredibly strange names, they can become a source of shame for children. In schools, bullying is incredibly common. Kids with unusual names are prime targets for bullying, according to Alvy, and parents should consider this before they select a name for their child. Parents must realize that a strange name makes their child an easy target, and that they might be responsible for putting their kid in harm’s way.
https://twitter.com/sohollywood___/status/955250385119309824
“When parents want to be too creative and different, that’s when they can get into trouble,” adds Walfish. “It’s hard for a child to go through school and escape being bullied … Kids in school look for opportunities to tease and torment their peers. Having a name that’s unusual is a perfect opportunity for a mean kid to pounce on another.”
What Parents Need to Know About Naming Their Child
Naming a baby is hard. Multiple parents share with HealthyWay their own struggles to find the right fit for their child. One mom says she dislikes her daughter’s name, while another hates the nicknames friends and family have created for her son’s very traditional name. My husband loves to joke about being called “the baby” for several days after his birth while his parents debated about name choices. Some parents, like Amy, a mom of two, might find themselves hating the name they once believed was the perfect choice.
“We had ‘Ariel Elizabeth’ planned for kid two,” she says. “After she was born, we tried it out at the hospital. No one could say it without puckering up their mouths.”
Another mom, Nikki, pushes back on the assertion that unusual names are always a bad choice. She shares that they chose “Beowulf” for their first child, despite criticism from family and friends and has never regretted the choice.
https://twitter.com/Knewbettersum/status/955226908064735234
Although most parents won’t try to get away with naming their child “Metallica,” all parents should carefully consider the name they are giving their child. A good place to start, according to Alvy, is an honest look at the motivation behind their naming choices. After identifying those motivations, he also suggests examining any possibilities for a specific name to put the child at risk of teasing, shame, or insecurity.
In some situations, parents who have made a naming choice they have come to regret might consider taking extreme measures to make amends: allowing their child to legally change their name.
https://twitter.com/Amaarah7/status/957921282682703872
“As long as you’re consulting honestly with your kids about their name, a child might very well say, ‘Oh, mommy, I have a lot of trouble with this. Kids are making fun of me,'” Alvy says. “I think that it’s a good idea to ask your child what he or she would prefer to be named.”
Ultimately, parents have to be willing to have honest conversations with their children, according to Alvy. They have to be willing to hear the criticism their child offers up about their parenting choices, be willing to apologize, and make the changes necessary to improve their child’s life.
Giving birth is one of the hardest, most rewarding things I have ever done. I carried three babies and then welcomed them into the world. Each experience was wildly different: one induction, one short labor and delivery, and one long birth that stalled so many times I thought he’d never arrive.
At the same time, in the grand scheme of things, my births were all very simple. They were unique and special for me, but there was nothing extraordinary about them when compared to the huge spectrum of potential birth experiences. I had contractions, I got an epidural, and I pushed until my baby joined the world.
Birth is an experience that is different from mom to mom. It’s completely natural and typically follows the same pattern of events, but it can also be unpredictable and unexpected. For new moms, or moms who simply want a different experience from their last, there are seemingly endless birthing decisions to make. Will you have your baby in a hospital or at home? Will you get an epidural or use other methods to manage the pain? Here are the options.
Getting Things Started
Unless you are scheduled for a cesarean section, your body has to go into labor before you can actually give birth. Modern moms are offered the option to wait for spontaneous labor or have their labor induced, typically through the use of a drug called Pitocin.
When it comes to getting things started, there are many benefits to letting nature take its course. It is generally accepted that spontaneous labor is associated with a lower risk of intervention, specifically decreasing the risk of needing a c-section or an epidural, as documented in a study published in The Journal of Reproductive Medicine. Elective induction, meaning induction without a clear medical need for it, is found to increase the risk of needing a c-section, having an epidural, and causing concerning heart rate changes in the unborn child.
At the same time, benefits of induction do exist for mothers who are over 41 weeks gestation. For these moms, who have carried longer than typical pregnancies, elective induction actually reduces the risk of a c-section compared to moms who wait for spontaneous labor past 41 weeks, according to a medical data compiled by Stanford-UCSF Evidence-Based Practice Center.
Of course, there are also cases when induction is no longer considered elective because the mom or baby’s condition requires an early delivery. In some cases, such a placenta previa, a scheduled c-section is required to protect the baby and the mother’s help, according to James Betoni, a leading high risk maternal fetal medicine OB-GYN Boise, Idaho.
Does environment matter?
We’ve covered the question of when a mom gives birth, but what about where? Moms can choose between a hospital birth, home birth, or birthing center. Although the popularity of home births has increased over the last decade and a half, most mothers still plan to have their babies in the hospital. Home births accounted for .89 percent of all births in 2012, the last year the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention collected data on this subject, and .39 percent of moms chose a birthing center.
It’s difficult to compare the benefits of in-hospital and out-of-hospital births. For instance, a 2015 study published in The New England Journal of Medicine did find differences existed between in-hospital and out-of-hospital births, but they were not only insignificant, the study also noted that negative outcomes of births were very low in both situations. More specifically, fetal death was more likely in an out-of-hospital births, but only slightly, and the difference was not enough to be considered statistically significant. One thing worth noting was that obstetrical intervention, specifically c-sections, were more likely in planned hospital births than in planned home births.
Even so, the choice to deliver a baby at home or in a birthing center is a controversial one. Although the United Kingdom has taken an official stance on the subject, encouraging low-risk mothers to consider home births, the United States is more resistant to the idea.
“For low risk women who are properly screened, home birth is a safe option,” says Christina M. Kocis, certified nurse midwife and doctor of nursing practice, director of the Division of Midwifery at Stony Brook University Hospital. “I think we don’t have an infrastructure or a system here that supports that as they do in the UK.”
She also notes that because the UK supports home births, these births tend to be attended by certified midwives who are actually part of the national healthcare system; this isn’t the case in the United States. Of course, it is possible to find properly trained and licensed midwives in the United States, but mothers should be aware that there are lay midwives practicing here and ensure that their home birth team has received proper licensure.
In addition to the choice between hospital, home, and birthing center, there is the choice of water birth or giving birth in bed. Unfortunately, there is not a lot of research available on potential negative outcomes associated with these two choices. One study, published in 2016 in The Journal of Midwifery and Women’s Health, found no risks for babies associated with their mother choosing a water birth but noted that moms might be at an increased risk for genital tract trauma.
Of course, risk factors aren’t the only thing worth considering. For moms who are looking for alternative pain management options, a water birth might be an appropriate choice since it is believed to offer the benefits of added comfort and helping to calm the mother, according to the American Pregnancy Association.
Drug-Free or Pain-Free?
The next choice moms have to make might be among the most debated of birthing choices. Should mom get an epidural, or should she opt for a birth free of pain medication?
There are some downsides to electing to have an epidural, according to a study published in Obstetrics and Gynecology International. Research suggests that having an epidural is associated with a slower second stage of labor which may increase the likelihood of c-section. And mothers who have an epidural are at an increased risk of an assisted delivery, meaning medical instruments are used during the delivery to remove the baby from the birth canal.
There are no risks associated with giving birth without pain medication, however, as Kocis points out, physiological effects are not the only thing to consider in this decision.
“There may be patients who need pain medication who, as a result of using pain medication, may … have a birth that, in retrospect, was either calmer or, in their opinion, may be less traumatic for some women,” she explains. “But the same can hold true for women who get the medication.”
This choice is one that is difficult to generalize, according to Kocis, and that seems to be true based on what moms who have experienced either an epidural or a drug-free birth share with HealthyWay.
“The whole experience was fantastic. I was fortunate to have a quick labor, but I really appreciated being in control of my body,” shares Betsy Larson, a mom of one who opted out of an epidural for her planned hospital birth. “I wasn’t confined like I was concerned I would be with an epidural.”
In comparison, Erin Heger, a mom of one who also had a planned hospital birth without an epidural, says that the advantage of being in control and having the support of her doula was great, but it wasn’t worth the pain and exhaustion she experienced.
“I will not be doing it again,” she says of her drug-free birth.
Laboring Techniques
An epidural isn’t the only method for managing pain during labor. When it comes to laboring techniques, HypnoBirth and the Bradley Method seem to be the most popular among today’s moms. Much of want is known about the benefits of these laboring techniques is anecdotal, according to a comparison of the two written in The Journal of Perinatal Education.
However, this research does make it clear that each of these methods holds benefits for moms with specific desires and circumstances. HypnoBirth, for instance, is heavily focused on pain management through self-hypnosis, making it a great option for women committed to managing their pain themselves or who are without a supportive partner.
In comparison, the Bradley Method is all about the partner, teaching the significant other to be the laboring mother’s coach through the labor and delivery. Each of these methods can be incredibly helpful to laboring moms, according to Kocis, but much of the success is dependent on the mother (and her partner) and their ability to commit to really learning the practices of the technique.
https://twitter.com/pwilsonnn13/status/955837893683138560
Ultimately, when it comes to making choices about how and where a mom will labor, the choice is all about her specific medical needs and her preferences. What one mom wants or needs may be vastly different from another mom’s hope for her birth, and it is important to spend time reflecting on that before making a decision. Most importantly, moms should be sure they are educated so they can make good choices for themselves and their baby.
Basics for the complex: The way you give birth is NOT a competition. Natural, C-section, or Epidural does not define you as a mom. A mom is a mom.
“There is no one answer,” explains Betoni. “Every patient is different and every story is different. When there is an option, as long as the patients are educated, the mom should have a say.”
When the big news came in, we all swooned. Even the cynics and curmudgeons among us couldn’t help getting just a little bit swept up by the magic and romance of it all.
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle—the pond-crossing power couple of British royalty and American celebrity–got engaged. Engaged!
And once we heard, there was one question spilling from our collective lips: How’d he pop the question? Even the BBC jumped right to the query in its exclusive post-engagement interview with the couple: “Can we start with the proposal and the actual moment of your engagement? When did it happen? How did it happen?” Alastair Grant/AP via ABC News
It’s not just that we’re starstruck by #Harkle, as some are Brangelina-ing the two, or are TheCrown-addicted, corgi-obsessed Anglophiles.
It’s that we, as a culture, are absolutely fascinated with marriage proposals. Proposees daydream their ideal engagements, from beachside sunsets to skydive surprises. Proposers scheme their knee-dropping, including ever elaborate—and ever public—songs and dances.
But why?
Of course, the marriage proposal is a significant and singular moment in one’s relationship, if not life, marking the passage into that greater commitment of marriage (unless the partner says no, that is).
That’s an incredibly intimate moment. So why do we care how Prince Harry asked Meghan Markle to marry him? Why do some partners orchestrate flash-mobs? Why is the marriage proposal, well, such a thing?
The marriage proposal is an important ritual.
For Lisa Hoplock, PhD, it all comes down to ritual.
Currently working at the University of Manitoba, Hoplock dedicated her dissertation to the psychology of the marriage proposal and is an expert on this under-researched area. “Marriage proposals give us a sense of control and predictability,” she tells HealthyWay. “They provide a script for important life events.”
And we all know the script thanks to its consistent appearance in popular media. As Hoplock outlines the steps, the proposer:
Asks for the blessing of the proposee’s parents
Makes the proposal a surprise
Gets down on one knee
Presents a ring
And asks the proposee, “Will you marry me?”
Even Prince Harry followed the same formula, though his script had some additional elements—him being, oh, fifth in line to the Throne of England and all. We talked to the orchestrater of one of the most romantic proposals we’ve heard of, and guess what? He followed it, too—though, as you’ll see at the end of this piece, it was anything but easy.
Harry asked for the blessing of Markle’s parents. He also asked for the blessing of his grandmother, the Queen, as required under law by the UK’s Succession to the Crown Act 2013. He dropped to one knee and presented a ring—which he designed with diamonds from the collection of his late mother, Princess Diana—that jewelers have valued at up to $350,000. And before he could even finish asking the question, Markle blurted out her “Yes!”
Royalty: They’re just like us!
Monarchy aside, they kind of are, actually. Their proposal itself was a simple and private affair, as we’d imagine a high-profile pair would want for an engagement announcement that made international headlines and sparked its own hashtag. Markle told the BBC that Harry proposed on a “cozy night” at their cottage. “We were roasting chicken. It was just an amazing surprise. It was so sweet and natural and very romantic. He got down on one knee.”
The proposal script provides guidance and communicates values.
Now, the origins of the proposal ritual as such aren’t exactly clear, but Hoplock notes that many of the individual elements are very old.
The parental blessing may have grown out of the ancient practice of the dowry, when a bride’s father gave the husband money or property upon marriage. We can find evidence for engagement rings in ancient Rome, with future brides brandishing a gold ring in the forum and a less expensive iron counterpart around the villa. The diamond ring as the go-to band, meanwhile, was the marketing brainchild of De Beers, the jewelry giant, during the Great Depression. And evoking chivalry and supplication, the genuflection expresses “subservience,” as Hoplock puts it, with the question conveying “intention.”
But while each particular component of the marriage proposal has its meaning and symbolism, the power of the ritual is as a whole.
First, as we’ve seen, the ritual offers guidance through the proposal, a momentous, but stressful, situation “where someone might get accepted or rejected,” Hoplock says. Both actors know the scene and their parts, to continue the script metaphor—though a rejection is a plot twist, not the dramatic climax the individuals may have rehearsed. And on a broader level, Hoplock also supposes the marriage proposal ritual provides a larger sense of social continuity and stability in the “tumultuous world” we inhabit.
Second, rituals “communicate one’s values and one’s bonds,” Hoplock explains. “They are a way to connect to other people, a way to demonstrate to others that we share these values.”
For Hoplock, the marriage proposal expresses the traditional “marriage ideal” of a committed, stable partnership founded on love and fidelity—you know, all that squishy-squashy feel-good stuff. We can even understand a proposal rejection as upholding that ideal, declined because of an unreadiness or unwillingness to make the more serious commitment marriage demands.
A good engagement story can be vital to the relationship.
We also value the engagement story itself—so much so that we actually judge the strength of a couple’s relationship based on it. A 2007 study found that “relationships were evaluated as stronger when they conformed to a traditional proposal script,” like the one described above.
Based on the details of the proposal, friends and families deem the couple a good match with a healthy relationship when their engagement follows the traditional steps, and are more likely to support their upcoming union. “If any of the elements are lacking,” says Hoplock of the study’s results, “especially if there’s no ring, [others] might see the proposal as illegitimate. They might think that the relationship isn’t as strong, that it’s a weaker relationship, and it might not last as long or be not as sincere or they don’t actually mean it.”
The marriage proposal, then, isn’t just the performance of a ritual for a hoped-for spouse-to-be: It’s also a performance to our social network to help us secure their investment in our marriage.
Despite the stereotype and media messages, many may be relieved to learn that the size of the ring didn’t matter for the traditional script. The study found ring size made no difference to its participants’ perceptions of the quality of the marriage proposal. It did matter, however, who was asking the question.
We still think of proposing as the guy’s job.
We may be living in a time of greater, if still insufficient, gender equality, but when it comes to marriage proposals, we’re still very conservative. With heterosexual couples, we by and large still expect the man to the do the proposing.
A 2012 study of nearly 300 undergraduate students found that about two-thirds of both women and men said they would “definitely” want the man to propose—zero percent of women said they would definitely want to propose, and zero percent of men said they would definitely want their partner to propose to them. “Given the prevalence of liberal attitudes among students at the university where data collection took place,” the authors discuss, “it is striking that so many participants held traditional preferences.”
Striking, indeed. Over 41 percent of women and over 57 percent of men largely cited traditional gender roles for why they want the man to propose. They wanted men to propose because men are the ones who are supposed to propose—because that’s just the way it’s always been. The authors refer to this as “benevolent sexism” or the “belief that men should protect, cherish, and provide for women,” also manifested in everyday behaviors like the expectation that men should pay for dinner.
There may also be so not-so benevolent forces at play, too. Writer Miranda Popkey thinks heterosexual women face an insidious catch-22: “We’re supposed to want to get married,” she wrote, “but if we advertise that desire too loudly, we become unmarriageable.”
A quick search around the web yields countless articles for how to get him to “put a ring on it,” as Beyoncé would sing: 15 Psychological Tricks To Make Him Propose, 10 Steps to Get An Immediate Marriage Proposal From Your Boyfriend, Get a Guy to Propose Naturally Without Being Obvious. There’s even the myth of the engagement chicken, a dish so delicious, it will make a boyfriend drop down straight to one knee—much humorous speculation arose after we learned Harry proposed to Markle over such a dish.
But if a woman dares to ask the question herself? She risks coming across as too desperate or assertive. She breaks the mold, Hoplock says of the lady-in-waiting. “It’s a minority of women who are the ones who propose,” she says. “In my studies, the women were more likely to be rejected. … It is really looked down upon … They think it would be more comfortable if the man is the one to propose.”
The Myths, Media, and Manipulations of Public Proposals
So, for better or worse, we favor traditional proposals. We also like those proposals to be private—another point for Harry. In a 2015 survey she conducted, Hoplock found that 69 percent of respondents said their ideal proposal would involve just the two of them. “Most people want a private proposal, and if they could change it, they would change it to be more private,” she tells HealthyWay.
And yet it seems we’re continually seeing bigger, showier productions of marriage proposals. On YouTube—and yes, we’ve all fallen down this rabbit-hole on YouTube—there are countless flash-mob proposals with millions of views. They’re staged in squares in Barcelona. They’re staged in Times Square, at airport arrivals from LAX to LHR. They’re staged during half-time at sports games, broadcast to cheering fans on the Jumbotron. They’re even staged at the checkout lines at IKEAs.
As flash-mobs, many of them develop in the same way. Music unexpectedly comes on—in the video above, Beyoncé’s “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)”—and dancers follow. Amused and intrigued by the incongruous event, a crowd forms. Seemingly out of nowhere, more and more participants join in until the proposer emerges on one knee, asking for the proposee’s hand in marriage before dozens, hundreds, sometimes even thousands of people.
The audience claps, cheers, shouts “Say yes, say yes!” The proposee dips her head. She covers her mouth. “Say yes, say yes!” It’s part of the typical proposal script, after all, for her to say yes. The crowd wants her to say yes.
We want the man to be rewarded for the grand, romantic gesture, declaring his love so widely and openly, even exposing himself to humiliation for it. We’re rooting for love.
And public proposers could be manipulating that very expectation, some think. As psychologist Glenn Wilson told the BBC of the phenomenon: “It’s possible that some men think that this will pile pressure upon her and increase the likelihood of getting a positive response, that she must think that he really loves her if he goes to this extent of trouble and trickery.”
Hoplock, for her part, thinks various media may also be contributing to the trend. “Technology allows for sharing and recording proposals” like never before, she notes, perhaps compelling some proposers and proposees to feel a viral proposal is a more memorable one.
Proposers might also feel expected to put on an elaborate public proposal because of how they’re romanticized and celebrated in film and television—often as a daring, last-ditch effort to demonstrate to the proposee that, despite previous mistakes and shortcomings, the proposer is truly prepared to take the relationship to the next level.
But this thinking is just the stuff of fiction, says Hoplock. “People think that the proposal will save the relationship.”
Why and How Women Reject Proposals
In a sweeping review Hoplock carried out of written descriptions of proposals on online forums like Reddit, she found that the second most common reason women rejected the proposal was that the couple had broken up. “There’s a big fight, and he goes back to the ring.”
The most common reason? Women said they were too young: “They were 18 and not even thinking about marriage yet.”
Also, Hoplock has a word to the wise: Avoid proposing at malls or food courts. She’s found that they usually result in a no.
And speaking of rejections, Hoplock had to weed out a lot of videos of proposal rejections for her research, as she discovered a number of them are actually staged for sociological research—or sometimes, incredibly, for the sheer entertainment of it.
But in the real ones, the pain and humiliation—for both parties—is very real. One aspect of Hoplock’s research focused on how women behave when rejecting a proposal from men in public. She’s found a pattern: Cortisol, the hormone released by the adrenal gland when we’re under stress, spikes during a proposal.
“The women seem to freeze in surprise at first,” Hoplock says. “But then the women would try to halt the ritual or pace in distress. The fight-or-flight response seems to occur, where they start arguing or maybe slap the partner or maybe back away from the partner before running away.”
This guy will show you how a proposal is done.
Nobody wants their marriage proposal culminating in consolation from a mascot. So what makes for the ideal proposal? “The ideal is one where the couple talks in advance,” advises Hoplock, emphasizing the importance of discussing a timeline and general expectations for what the proposal should be like. “If in doubt, propose in private with a ring and make the other person feel valued.”
That doesn’t mean it still can’t be magical, though. Take a page from Jim Fisk, director of wellness at an assisted living community in Cincinnati. “I’m a big storybook person,” he shares, recalling his Summer 2017 proposal story. “I wanted it to have meaning.”
Fisk began by observing Hoplock’s golden rule the year prior. “We had talked about it for sure,” he says. The talk gave him assurance that he and his girlfriend were on the same page, relationally speaking. It gave him a timeline: She was interested in getting engaged in 2017 but didn’t want to know when it was exactly coming. It also gave him a sense of what she wanted out of a proposal, which he was able to respect but also use to heighten the all-important surprise.
So Fisk started planning. The blessing: He took her father out for a drink in Cincinnati and called her mother, who lives not far from where Fisk was planning to propose. That fact would help provide Fisk some cover for the surprise. The ring: After talking to his girlfriend about her taste in bands, Fisk asked his mother for further guidance in this department—“I didn’t really know what I was doing,” he admits. He discovered his late grandmother had left him a band studded with diamonds, which he took to a small family jeweler for some further modifications. The setting: Longboat Key, Florida, where the two took their first vacation together. (Hoplock has found that the number one ideal proposal spot is by the water, usually on the beach, so points to Fisk.)
“[The trip] set the stage for the relationship … it got serious from then on … . It would be meaningful to come back around to where we started it all,” Fisk says. He called her boss, shared his plan, and secured a week vacation. The couple took a private sailboat tour that first trip, so he also called the operators to set up the literal vehicle for his “Will you marry me?” Guests could bring food and drink, and the drivers made for excellent photographers.
But as the day drew near, things, as they do, happened.
His girlfriend got jury duty. He had to convince her not to file another postponement in case she was called up around the time of trip, planned for mid-August. Her grandfather was ill, and her family wanted everyone to gather together out of state before he passed away—in mid-August. He talked to her sister about his plans, and the family gladly helped him reschedule the visit with the grandfather.
Then, on the Sunday just two days before they were flying off for the surprise vacation, Fisk says his girlfriend tells him she wants to take a few personal days. Beset by yet another snag, he pulls off some artful maneuvering, convincing her that they will take a proper vacation soon and that when they get back, they’ll do some earnest engagement ring shopping. He threw her off the trail. The proposal: The following Tuesday, Fitzs reveals, to her elation, that they’re headed to Florida. His birthday is coming up, he says, and they’re overdue for a visit with her mother down there.
“My shoulders were up to my ears. She was totally relaxed.”
They arrive, get settled in, and head out to a restaurant near the dock, where the special sailboat is waiting. But Fisk has one last obstacle.
“We get there, we walk into the restaurant. She’s starving.”
“‘Oh, honey, look over there—is that the boat we took?'” he recounts to us, playing out the drama. “‘I don’t care, I’m starving. Why do you want to go over there?’ She’s kind of perturbed that I’m taking a detour from the food.”
Again, Fisk persuades her. He pretends it was a chance encounter. On cue, the boat operator fakes a cancellation and invites the couple aboard—let us photograph you for our new website, they say, and we’ll give you a free ride and even throw in some food and drink. Soon, the couple’s aboard.
They make it out into the Gulf when the photographer asks, as planned, to photograph Fitz’s girlfriend at the brow of the boat. The photographer has her do her best Titanic pose so her back is to Fisk.
“That’s when I was suppose to come up behind her on one knee. I’m standing midship, I kid you not, and it all hit me at that point. The sun is coming down, there was some music playing. It all hit me. Holy s***. It’s here. I froze up,” he remembers. “It wasn’t until the captain … took a hand and put in on my shoulder, just a nudge. I walked up and was down one knee,” her back still to him. He took her hand and explained how being in this boat with her was like coming full circle. He popped the question.
She said yes.
“I felt so relieved,” Fisk says—not just that she said yes, but that he’d overcome all the hectic hitches leading up to the big moment. “If I did this in another lifetime, a lot less moving parts would help me!” he jokes.
But we’re not so sure Fisk would actually change anything were he to do it over. He told his fiancée all the hurdles he had to jump over as they basked in the post-engagement glow—and for Fisk, the relief. When people ask them how they got engaged, they have quite the story to tell.
Roast chicken? Pshaw, Prince Harry.
Natasha LaBeaud Anzures forgoes listening to music during exercise. “Running without music allows me to be completely disconnected from technology and completely engaged in the terrain around me and my inner-most thoughts.”
Semena Morgan also opts for silence during her outdoor runs, as she considers it the only time of day she does not face distractions. “I’ve solved many problems out on the pavement. Music would take away from my serenity.”
But not everyone shuns music. In fact, the majority do not. According to a survey of runners around the world by Brooks Running Company, 53 percent of runners choose music as their prize accessory. Naomi Jayne is one of them. She turns to music for more than just a pump-up—she uses it to create art in her head, which she then goes on to paint. “When I am running, I always see colors in my mind that go along with the music, or each note has a certain personality to me. When I hear the note in the music, the color forms, and as I am listening to the music, I will decide upon a color palette as a result of the music that I am listening to,” she says.
Even medical professionals recommend music. Jasmine Marcus, doctor of physical therapy, says that she advises patients to listen to music when exercising to make working out more enjoyable. “I pick fast-paced songs to listen to when doing cardio on the bike or elliptical, and I encourage my patients to do the same.”
These examples show the two ends of the music-while-running spectrum—but you never find many people in the middle. Since headphones popped up on heads, it has seemed that runners fall into two categories: those who must listen to music and those who consider it too much of a distraction/safety issue. Whichever group describes you, chances are you are pretty adamant about it.
So, we won’t try to sway you. Let’s just look at the benefits and drawbacks of music during exercise.
Music, the Motivator
“There is a reason why there are exercise playlists,” says Caleb Backe, a certified personal trainer. “There is a reason why … songs are formatted (or reformatted) to fit certain types of beats-per-minute patterns.”
The reason is that appropriate music increases endurance. In a study published in the Journal of Sport & Exercise Psychology, researchers found that carefully selected music can significantly increase a person’s endurance by 15 percent, as well as improve positive thinking “even when they are working out at a very high intensity—close to physical exhaustion,” according toScience Daily‘s roundup of the study.
Costas I. Karageorghis, a researcher from the study, even took these findings and applied them to a race. The 2008 Sony Ericsson Run to the Beat half marathon was the first race to provide scientifically selected music along the course to keep runners’ endurance levels up. The race became popular and attracted around 19,000 runners in 2013, according toNews Shopper.
Other research shows similar results. In a study published in the peer-review journal Chest, researchers put 19 participants through two “endurance walk tests, one with and one without listening to self-selected music throughout the test.” They measured, among other things, the participants’ endurance times and levels of labored breathing—”the primary symptom limiting exercise tolerance,” the study says—upon completion. The results showed that self-selected music “increased tolerance of high-intensity exercise” and reduced labored breathing at the finish line.
“Practically, the effect was modest but may represent an aid for exercise training of these patients,” they concluded. Aditi G. Jha, MD, agrees that music choice matters. “Most gym-goers prefer R&B to work out to, which is okay. But hard metal and too-loud music can defeat the purpose, which is to give your body a mental push and to feel good,” she says.
Watch the noise level.
You need to stay cognizant of your music noise level. Bryan Pollard, president of the nonprofit Hyperacusis Research, which funds scientific research into noise-induced pain, says any loud music can cause health issues.
“[Loud music], whether it is coming from earbuds while jogging or speakers in spin class, contributes to assorted hearing dysfunction,” he says.
Hearing loss is a widespread health condition. Approximately 36 million Americans have it, and one in three developed their hearing loss as a result of exposure to noise, according to the American Academy of Audiology. In Europe, the number is higher—52 million people self-report hearing loss, says The European Coalition on Hearing Loss and Disability. The World Health Organization estimates that it costs Europe €178 billion each year for untreated hearing impairments, according to the coalition’s report.
How loud should you go when listening to music to not become part of these statistics? Not very high, according to the American Academy of Audiology. Noise-induced hearing loss can occur from any continued exposure to noise more than 85 decibels. To put this into perspective:
Normal conversations = 60 decibels
Dishwashers = 60 decibels
Alarm clocks = 80 decibels
MP3 players = 100 decibels at full volume—which is probably where you have the volume during a hard exercise session or during a race, where your music competes with lots of background noise
You also need to exercise caution in group fitness classes, as research shows these classes play music too loud as well. In a paper published in the Archives of Environment & Occupational Health, Australian researchers studied noise levels during 35 low-intensity and 65 high-intensity classes in 1997 to 1998, and again in 2009 to 2011. In high-intensity classes in the later time frame, decibels averaged 93.1—a level in which hearing loss can occur. In low-intensity classes, decibels dropped to 85.6, but that is still too high.
Oddly enough, the 2009–2011 teachers preferred the music for high-intensity classes to be much louder than their clients did. So beyond ear plugs, you might not have much of a say.
Further, a study from Australia’s National Acoustic Laboratories found that the music in fitness classes reaches almost as high a level as a jet engine. Oliver F. Adunka, MD, professor of otolaryngology and neurosurgery in the Department of Otolaryngology, Head, and Neck Surgery at The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center, does not provide any better news. He says hearing loss is a hidden disability; most people do not even notice it is happening—and you cannot turn it back once it begins. Hearing loss occurs when hair cells start to die in your ear, and “these hair cells do not regenerate. Once they are gone, they are gone.”
So, what preventive measures can you take? Adunka recommends keeping a lower volume in your headphones—no matter if you wear big Beats by Dre headsets or small earbuds. “Even small headsets can produce high levels of sound,” he says, noting that people who exercise for more than an hour should definitely hit the down button. He also recommends only listening to one or two songs at a high volume before taking a listening break.
Most importantly, he emphasizes, get a hearing test frequently.
For group classes, Pollard advises wearing protective earmuffs or earplugs. “The problem with earplugs is that people do not wear them properly and are afforded little protection. It is best to find instructions online and practice till you get it right. If earplugs fall out, you are doing it wrong,” he says. Pollard also suggests wearing noise-canceling headphones that let you still hear the music.
The Flip Side of the Cassette
Runners who loathe music and enjoy the sound of their footsteps instead, as well as the added safety benefits, can also make their exercise experiences better.
Use the time to think.
In a Washington Post interview, Chris Friesen, director of Friesen Sport & Performance Psychology, said that running keeps your brain semi-activated and frees up lots of cognitive space.
You don’t need to listen to anything to access the extra brain availability created by your run—”Even without music,” said Friesen, “running can put you in a state of mind to solve problems and think creatively.” Without music, you can spend your runs thinking through problems you are facing, brainstorming ideas for a work project, or setting new goals—it truly is the perfect time to do so.
While Friesen did note benefits of listening to some form of media during runs, he also suggested that runners forgo music and opt for mindfulness: “When your negative thoughts or worries inevitably come up when running, you can practice acknowledging them for what they are—just thoughts and feelings that our brains are programmed to generate—and train your brain to not get hooked by or fused to them and to stay longer in the present moment.”
Appreciate the sport.
In a study published in the Journal of Sport and Health Science, researchers found that listening to music and watching videos during high-intensity exercise resulted in significantly less “perceived exertion” and significantly more “dissociative focus,” or thoughts about other things. This may be good for endurance, as we’ve seen, but it also detaches you from your body’s signals.
The Finish Line
If you prefer to jam out to your Spotify playlist, ensure you choose the appropriate music to keep your endurance level up; yet all the while, keep the noise level down.
On the flip side, if you choose to listen to nothing but the sweet sounds of nature, use the time to contemplate, create, or listen to your body—your brain has the space.
But whatever side you fall—pro-music or anti-music—you are working out and keeping yourself healthy. That should make you proud.
I wish I was one of those people who could let things go.
Some things, I can. Like how my car seems to pile up with coats, books, and ten sippy cups. Other things, I cannot. Like how I don’t craft with my kids enough, especially my super artistic daughter. Or how I turn to the television as a babysitter more days than not. Or raise my voice over a glass of spilled milk (literally, it happened this week).
At night, when my precious children are tucked into bed, I sneak into their rooms and often whisper, “Mama is sorry, I’m trying, I love you so very much.” I’ll kiss them, tuck their covers, and tiptoe out, promising that tomorrow will be better. I’ll be better.
[pullquote align=”center”]
“When we feel guilt, it is a signal that we are making a choice that is not aligned with who we want to be in the world.”
—Alexandra Solomon, PhD[/pullquote]
In many ways, I am a wonderful mother. But it’s those nagging regrets that I mull over at night. As much as I detest the weight of that guilt, part of me is happy for my parenting regrets. Wyatt Fisher, PsyD, a licensed psychologist, says, “ … having some guilt is a sign of being an effective, conscientious parent because you’re reflecting on how you’ve done and where you could have improved.”
Regrets push me to become a better parent, show my kids that mistakes are okay, and most importantly, teach them how to resolve their own regrets by modeling the path I take with my own. That’s what I’m thankful for: the teaching opportunity that regrets provide.
I think most moms and dads would concur that our parenting regrets are bountiful. But through them, we adapt and grow. “Strange as it may sound, guilt can actually be a helpful emotion when we relate to our guilt in a healthy manner,” says Alexandra Solomon, PhD, a practicing clinical psychologist and Northwestern University professor. “When we feel guilt, it is a signal that we are making a choice that is not aligned with who we want to be in the world. … We can use guilt as a motivation to course-correct.”
So, what regrets do parents have most of all when evaluating their parenting? I’m sure you can agree, regrets range from simple and light-hearted to serious game-changers. A few parents are baring it all with the regrets they’ve experienced, and their transparency is no doubt an opportunity for us to all learn.
Letting Screens Rule
Jody Fritz, a mom of two grown children, says, “I have very few regrets, but two nag me. I wished I’d significantly limited screen time and increased the amount of family responsibility through chores and yard work.”
This really resonates with me. Fewer screens, more outside time and training for real life. After all, we only have 18 years to make sure our kids are ready for adulthood. Television, iPads, and the like don’t do much in the way of preparing kids for the responsibilities to come. Shadowing us through daily life and then adopting some of our responsibilities as their own do.
Resolving this regret begins with, you guessed it, y-o-u. Fisher says, “… if you regret not setting better boundaries for [your kids] with technology … be sure to model healthy boundaries now with technology because actions speak louder than words.” Phones down, mom and dad—it starts with us.
Going Too Fast
It’s common these days to hear about being present—the whole “stop and smell the roses” mentality. It’s easy to say, much harder to practice. Life is fast. Our to-do lists are long. Day in and day out, our kids need us hundreds of times, and parents are run ragged trying to keep up. It’s hard to slow down and just enjoy the little things.
Lori Heller, a mom of three, says her biggest parenting regret is not “slowing down more [and] enjoying the everyday moment.” She continues: “I’m realizing how fast it goes by. My kids are growing so fast, I feel like I missed so much by trying to be the perfect mom.” And even the “perfect moms” (the ones we see while scrolling through social media) make mistakes. Promise.
Heller isn’t the only one with this regret. Melissa Swofford, a mom of five, shares, “Life is so busy and chaotic so much of the time—I have to stop and remind myself that I won’t get these moments back. So what if our sink is overflowing with dishes? Stop for that one second to take in what ever ‘the moment’ may entail.”
Being a Worrywart
So many parents shared that they regret allowing worry to consume them. From babies’ milestones to coughing fits to school choices to grades, worry is a natural part of parenting. But the goal is to push that worry to the backseat.
“Choose to be led by love instead,” Tesse Struve, founder of Millennial Mom Coaching says. “When you lead with love and choose your actions from a place of love instead of fear, you will start to feel better about your choices and actions around your family.”
Prioritizing the Wrong Things
Most parents would say that their family is their number one priority, the driving force behind all they do. But do our actions really line up with our words? Not always. Daniel Reeser, a dad of two, provides a great example of what aligning our priorities really looks like. He says that he regrets “not taking enough time off work (even though I had extra time to take) after my first child was born to support mom at home more.”
The good news is that baby number two followed, and Reeser made a change: “[With my] second, I took more time off work than mom did, and it was great!”
Gayla Duerr, a mom of four grown children, says that when she reflects back on raising her children, she “would opt for much less time sitting in bleachers and more time serving together as a family.” Sports are such a part of our culture that it’s hard to say no, especially when our kids participate alongside their friends. But I think Duerr relays an important idea. Are we trying to raise athletes or people who are ready and willing to give back to their community? Where we devote our time speaks volumes.
Not Taking Care of Myself
Heidi Duncan, a mom of one, points to the earliest days of her parenting when thinking about her regrets. “[I regret] that I didn’t address my postpartum depression earlier. It sucked the life and joy out of early motherhood.”
Duncan isn’t alone: More than 600,000 women suffer from postpartum depression every year. Self-care doesn’t stop at postpartum though. Parents can’t pour from an empty cup, and as I always say, a well taken care of mom is able to take care of her family well.
Giving Social Media Power
We live in a digital age, and social media isn’t something that can be 100 percent avoided. Many parents regret how social media affects them, and Jamie Durham, a mom of four, says that she most regrets “allowing social media to dictate how I raise my kids … I felt condemned that no matter what I chose to do, I was doing it wrong according to someone.”
https://twitter.com/tracybromero/status/957484776864264193
Durham says that since identifying this, she has worked to set boundaries and focus more on knowing her own family, “[which] turns out to be the best way of knowing what they need. No article or blog post can teach me that!”
Mark Sharp, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist, sees all too often how the influx of information affects parents. He says, “I would encourage parents to make sure they are forming their own values and acting from them rather than listening too much to the myriad of messages out there telling them how to be a good parent. Our culture is quick to judge parents, but the most important things are simple: love your kids, value them, let them know those things, and then do the best you can.”
Struve affirms the steps Durham took to overcome her regret: “The first step to handling any guilt or regret over a parenting choice is to identify what you are feeling and why.” That’s exactly what Durham did. And now she balances a little social media with a lot of family knowledge.
Say goodbye to regret.
Solomon says the first step in moving past regret and the shame associated with it is to say it out loud: “Shame grows in silence, so one step toward shifting out of a place of shame is giving it voice—to your partner, to your therapist, to your trusted friend. Receiving some empathy from someone you trust can break the shame and help you move into a place of committing to making different choices.”
If you’re holding on to some deep-seated regret within your parent/child relationship, make plans to get it off your chest. That momentum will empower you to revisit your values, apologize if needed, and move into a better place.
Struve recommends putting a positive spin on regret, “… sit down and write down all of the wonderful things you have done right as a parent. When you start focusing on the positive, then you can release the regret and the guilt, and move your family into a space of joy and fulfillment.” [pullquote align=”center”]
“There’s no such thing as a perfect parent, so each parent’s journey is to figure out how to be good enough.”
—Alexandra Solomon, PhD
[/pullquote]
And who doesn’t want more of that? This might even be an opportunity to get the kids involved. More than anyone, they’ll be able to identify what you’re doing well. According to my son, I’m “the best snuggler ever,” and my daughter told me that I’m “really good at planning fun things.” It warmed my heart to hear, and now, during my night time rounds, I’m choosing to focus more on the positive highlights of our day rather than dwelling on my missteps.
Solomon notes: “If you are beating yourself up about mistake and regrets, you are actually keeping yourself stuck. Shifting to more positive self-talk will help you find the strength you need to practice the kind of parenting you want to practice.”
So, say it with me: “I’m a really awesome parent!” Say it loud and proud because you are. You have an amazing heart brimming with love and devotion for your children. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be evaluating your regrets and striving to grow as a parent. Solomon shares a final bit of encouragement: “Parenting stirs up every single old wound, trauma, insecurity, and fear that we have. Every. Single. One. Every parent needs to do the difficult and courageous work of figuring out what it means to be a ‘good enough parent.’ There’s no such thing as a perfect parent, so each parent’s journey is to figure out how to be good enough. Stay committed to doing your emotional work as a parent…for your sake and for your kids’ sake!”
Watching beauty trends change throughout history, two things become very clear—beauty is subjective, and what is seen as beautiful is always changing. For some time, having a unibrow was considered be an attractive quality. In Ancient Greece, this facial feature was believed to signify intelligence, according to The New York Times.
With the passage of time, this preference swung to the opposite side of the spectrum. During medieval times, women removed their eyelashes and sometimes their brows as well. This was done to accentuate their foreheads, which was then largely regarded as the most beautiful part of the face, according to Marie Claire. [pullquote align=”center”]If something is unusual, it will always garner more attention.[/pullquote]
On the dangerous side, plenty of women and men have done some incredibly extreme things in the name of beauty, or at least, what was seen as attractive at the time. A 1936 newspaper ad shows an eerie picture of invention created by Isabella Gilbert: a machine that allegedly creates dimples on the face (spoiler alert, it did not create dimples). And in the 18th century, lead poisoning was rampant because of the popular practice among men and women to lighten their faces with lead-based makeup. Joseph Caraud “La Toilette” (1858)
Strange, right? Interestingly enough, though, many of the beauty trends of today are just as unique. Yet now, social media provides the perfect medium for quickly sharing and spreading new trends.
“I can tell you that anything that provokes a strong reaction causes a chain reaction,” explains Aimee Davison, an Instagram user who has gained over 13,000 followers by trying out unusual beauty trends.
“If something is unusual, it will always garner more attention. Also, if any trend is relatively easy to attempt with products one already has, it’s more likely to catch on.”
It’s a unique time for the beauty industry. In a digital age, makeup trends can catch fire within hours. Here are some of the strangest beauty trends that have gone viral in the new age.
You put glitter where?
Although shaving your armpits has long been the status quo in the United States, this is a trend that is changing among the millennial generation. Since 2013, the number of women who keep their armpits bare has been declining. In 2016, nearly 25 percent of women surveyed by Mintel reported to have quit shaving their pits completely, according to The New York Times.
Lately, millennials are taking things one step further, beautifying their armpit hair with glitter to make a point—it’s 2018, and women are free to do what they want with their bodies, including their armpit hair. Still, this trend might not catch on beyond posed Instagram photos, namely because it isn’t all that comfortable.
“The combination of long, damp armpit hair and abrasive body glitter is totally not comfortable, and it leaves a giant, sweaty, flaking mess,” shares Davison. “There is no practical reason to bedazzle your pits other than as a conversation piece, which is mostly why I try or start most of the weird beauty trends that I do.”
Armpits aren’t the only body part getting a little glitter love these days. Actress Bella Thorne made headlines when she posted pictures of herself wearing glitter makeup as a bra. Davison tried this trend as well, telling HealthyWay that she found it beautiful, despite the fact that she hated having glitter on her pits. She recommends glitter bras as a bold choice for a rave or music festival.
Trend or trick?
Depending on who you ask, this incredibly strange beauty trend is less of a trend and more of a joke gone viral.
In the last couple of months, nose hair extensions are becoming a thing on Instagram. According to Cosmopolitan, this all started with user GretChen Chen, who only had 173 followers when she posted a picture of herself sporting nose hair extensions, which were actually just fake eyelashes glued into her nostrils. Now, no one is certain if this was meant to be taken seriously, but the picture went viral, resulting in copycat posts by several Instagram users in the beauty world.
Always up for a challenge, Davison reports having tried this trend after it became popular.
“Utterly ridiculous,” she says. “You need to stick lash glue up your nose, which winds up ripping out your actual nose hair after the fact.”
Raise a Brow
Nose hair extensions may have been inevitable, considering the fact that the beauty world seemed to have exhausted every possible iteration of eyebrow art over the course of six months. Creative eyebrows just might go down as the defining makeup trend of 2017.
We know that brow art took off in the Spring, Allure reports that the earliest viral brow art seems to date back to March 10th, when Instagram user @athenapaginton shared a picture of barbed wire brows, which quickly went viral. Next came feather brows, which was accidentally started by popular beauty influencer Stella Sironen. On April 8, she posted a picture of her brows styled as feathers.
The very next day, Sironen was back with another picture of feather brows and a little explanation of exactly what she was thinking. As it turns out, it was just a silly joke that got taken way too seriously. Now it’s totally a trend.
Moving on, we have carved brows. Using makeup, artists are creating the illusion of brows shaped in squiggles, lightening, and more. Makeup artist Lucky Martinez tells HealthyWay exactly what he thinks of this trend.
“I tried the ‘brow carve’ trend,” he says, explaining that the look is created by putting shadow around the brow and then using concealer to create a ‘shadow carved’ look. “It wasn’t really for me because it isn’t very natural, and I wouldn’t ever see me repeating it at all.”
Lastly, we’ve got squiggle brows. They seem to be creation of hugely successful Instagram influencer Promise Tamang, who shared a picture of squiggle brows and squiggle lips in August. The picture now has over 27,000 likes and plenty of comments, both good and bad.
“Promise, how could you be responsible for this monstrosity,” user @luz_822 posted under the original picture.
Looking Yellow in the Face
If, like me, you missed the memo that yellow eyeshadow was on trend, you may be just as surprised to hear what else yellow makeup is being used for. According to Allure, yellow blush became hugely popular over the Spring.
It’s applied like any old blush, only the color is bright. It’s strangely flattering, to be honest, and Davison says she was surprised by just how much she likes the look on herself.
“It’s not a color I would have ever thought to use, but the end result was interesting,” she says. “I love when unusual makeup trends force you to rethink your makeup choices and lead you to new styles.”
Eyeliner Art
Sometimes beauty trends quickly fade away after gaining popularity, but this trend seems to be here to stay. Double liner has become so popular over the last couple of years, and it likely was inspired by a look worn by Kendall Jenner and Gigi Hadid at a Chanel show in January, 2016.
“The double liner is something that recently came into play, and I love it,” Martinez shares. “It’s a winged liner within a winged liner. I really like it because not only does it not require a lot of work, but it adds a bit of color and pop to the face without completely turning the look into a certain color.”
Do you glow?
Perhaps the most widely embraced of recent unusual beauty trends, neon makeup has become super popular among instagram makeup artists.
Some artists are using actual neon makeup that reacts to black lights, but many are just really, really good at tricking the eyes. Different makeup colors are layered to make it look like the eyes or lips are glowing.
Too much, or just right?
Unusual beauty trends get a lot of negative attention. Growing out armpit hair has been called unhygienic, and it’s really no surprise that the comment sections of brow art pictures on Instagram are a free-for-all.
Many makeup artists simply don’t care. For them, it’s about doing their own thing, not conforming to the status quo.
“When I use makeup, it’s always only about makeup,” explains Martinez. “Using makeup as an art for me is when I’m able to enjoy my time alone and create something new that I believe will put a … smile on someone’s face.”
And although Davison is quick to admit that the trends she tried are strange or weird, she doesn’t think that is necessarily bad.
“Our bodies are canvases, and makeup is a tool to create a masterpiece,” she says. “I think we are at an incredibly liberating point in history where makeup is so accessible and affordable, and tutorials [are] so easy to find, that anyone can become anything they choose. Makeup enables self-creation, and creativity is art!”
