Categories
Motherhood

Spicy Food Doesn't Induce Labor (And Other Pregnancy Myths Busted)

Throughout their terms, pregnant women get overwhelmed with information. They hear advice from their doctors, of course, but also family members, friends—even people on the street will stop a pregnant woman to give them their two cents. It’s the most natural thing in the world, they say. You’re eating for two, they exclaim. So, how can mothers-to-be separate fact from fiction?
It isn’t easy. Pregnancy does have plenty of strange side effects. Did you know, for instance, that being pregnant can cause your gums to bleed? It can. Pregnancy hormones cause increased blood flow, which in turn increases your susceptibility to gingivitis. The American Pregnancy Association recommends diligent oral care during women’s terms.
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And have you heard that pregnancy actually does make your feet grow? A study in the American Journal of Physical Medicine & Rehabilitation showed that pregnancy tends to flatten the arches of your feet, making them wider and longer, according to Medical News Today‘s review of the study. Sadly, this doesn’t go away once the baby is born: The arch is often permanently flattened. Pregnant women should wear low-heeled, soft shoes with proper arch supports to combat these changes, wrote John M. Sigle, a doctor of podiatric medicine, for Herald & Review.
So when pregnancy has so many strange and true side effects, it’s easy to see why a pregnancy rookie would accept anything their mother, or a random passerby, tells them. But there is plenty of misinformation out there. You’ll hear it from well-meaning, misinformed peers; you’ll see it in advertisements and on movie screens.
If you’re expecting, or if you’re just curious about the life of a mother-to-be, here are some pregnancy myths to pay no mind.

Myth: Spicy food—or any food—induces labor.

Though an overdue woman would love to pop a jalapeño and go into labor, it just doesn’t work that way. Eliza Ross, MD, OB-GYN, of the Cleveland Clinic said that there’s no evidence that spicy food causes labor. “It might give you heartburn,” she wrote, “but it won’t bring baby into the world any sooner.”
Still, some restaurants have gotten famous based on their supposedly labor-inducing foods—even if they aren’t spicy. In a 2007 article, fact-checking site Snopes provided six examples of eateries that, willingly or not, earned reputations for pushing babies along. Some served hot wings, others served Italian food.

In 2017, Scalini’s, an Atlanta-based Italian restaurant mentioned in the Snopes piece, claimed that their eggplant parmesan has “helped more than 1,000 women go into labor,” according to Today. Women who go into labor 48 hours after leaving the establishment get a Scalini’s gift card and a space on the wall for their baby’s photo.
But since Scalini’s, and restaurants like it, attract overdue women, the correlation is likely due to coincidence, not causation. “If you were to chart the results of a group of [overdue] women,” reads the Snopes piece, “you’d find that a great many of them would give birth to their children within a day or so no matter what they ate or did, with almost all of the rest delivering no more than two or three days after that.”
That said, it seems Robert Bogino, the owner of Scalini’s, understands that it’s all in fun. “Of course,” he told Today, “you have to believe a little bit, too.”

Myth: It’s the most natural thing in the world.

In regards to pregnancy and breastfeeding, mothers will often hear a familiar refrain: “It’s the most natural thing in the world.”
It makes sense, too. Biologically, pregnancy—during and after—is about as natural as it gets. But it turns out that the experience is anything but.
Maryann Davidson, a mother of three, says that though pregnancy may technically be a “natural” process, it feels entirely foreign for the mother-to-be.
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“I certainly wasn’t accustomed to feeling nauseous at all times of the day and night; having my moods swing wildly without warning; putting on weight which wasn’t caused by excessive overeating; having a wriggling, jumping, growing baby inside me which was part of me yet already completely independent.”
Then there’s birth itself. Many women get epidurals, are hooked up to IVs, or need to have emergency cesarean sections. There’s nothing wrong with any of that—in fact, the global maternal mortality rate has declined significantly in modern times—but it’s not what most people would call “natural.”
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Even if a mom chooses to have a natural birth (a birth without any medication or surgery), the feeling will still be completely foreign. Sure, she can read about how it will feel or ask other mothers to share their experience, but nothing can prepare her for the moment itself.
Though the process of pregnancy is completely natural, it’s one of the most unnatural, crazy experiences an individual will ever go through.

Myth: Morning sickness stops after the first trimester.

Morning sickness is very common. Most women experience it as some point early in their pregnancies, but they’re often told that it stops after the first trimester.
“Is it? Is it?” asks Davidson. “Well, my body must not have read that particular instruction, as I continued to suffer from this particular affliction well into the second trimester.”
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She’s not alone. Though most women see their morning sickness symptoms subside after 12 weeks, the American Pregnancy Association says that up to 20 percent of women experience it throughout their pregnancy—this severe form of the illness is called hyperemesis gravidarum, which can require hospitalization.
To combat average, first-trimester morning sickness, pregnant women can eat frequent, small meals and sip on fluids throughout the day, according to the American Pregnancy Association. Even hyperemesis gravidarum is treatable—the Hyperemesis Education and Research Foundation lists medication and nutritional treatment as effective options—and usually doesn’t cause much of a risk to the baby. But it’s surely unpleasant for the mom.

Myth: You can’t eat seafood.

Most women think that all seafood is completely off limits during their pregnancy, but according to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, you can enjoy specific sea treats even when you’re with child.
The warning does have some truth to it. The FDA urges women to avoid fish with high mercury contents—bigeye tuna, shark, marlin, and king mackerel, for instance. They recommend against sushi, too, because of uncooked fish’s higher chance of carrying parasites.

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U.S. Food and Drug Administration

But other fish? Eat up! Salmon, shrimp, tilapia, and cod are among the 30-plus fish that the FDA recommends pregnant women eat two to three servings of weekly. There are nearly 20 fish they recommend pregnant women have one serving of weekly.

Myth: You’re eating for two!

Want an extra slice of pizza or four? Well, eat up, say purveyors of this myth, because you’ve got to get in all those extra calories to help the baby grow.
Sadly, this isn’t entirely true. OB-GYN nurse practitioner Emily Silver recommends that women only need around 300 extra calories a day to support their pregnancy. “To put it in perspective, that’s about equivalent to a bowl of cereal,” says Silver. (According to MyFitnessPal, a bowl of Cheerios with whole milk is 203 calories, so let’s say you have a second helping.)
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She’s not far off from The Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics‘ recommendation, which says women in their second trimester should eat 340 extra calories, and women in their third trimester should eat about 450 extra calories. More, sure, but not double.
Though it’s totally okay to want to pig out when you’re pregnant (pregnancy cravings are not a myth), you don’t actually need another human’s worth to keep your baby safe. What’s most important is what you eat: Pregnant women should eat fruits and vegetables, whole grains, and healthy protein, and drink low-fat, calcium and vitamin D rich liquids, recommends the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases. So if you think that pint of ice cream will help the baby, you might want to think again.

Myth: You’ll know when you’re going into labor.

Shauna Armitage has three kids and a special hatred for this myth. Over and over again, she heard people tell new moms to “listen to your body” or “you’ll know what to do” when it came to labor…but Armitage found the opposite to be true.
Armitage says that everything hurts, especially late in pregnancy, and it’s hard to discern your pain’s meaning. Is that pain the beginning of labor, or is it just some random pain from having a growing baby inside of you? You almost never know.
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Labor comes in two stages: early and active. According to health care organization Kaiser Permanente, you shouldn’t go to the hospital until you’re in active labor.
Early labor has inconsistent contractions, and they’re typically less painful. Also, early labor can last for days! So if you go to the hospital too early, you could be asked to go home and wait it out.
Active labor doesn’t start until your contractions are three to four minutes apart and last for about a minute a piece. That’s when they go from moderately painful to insanely painful.
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Still, as a pregnancy rookie, it can be hard to judge how painful your contractions are. Often, moms confuse their ordinary “a child is growing in my belly” pain for contraction pain, which makes labor even more confounding.
In the end, it’s all confusing, and Armitage insists that you almost never “just know” when it’s time to have the baby.
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Of course, if you’re experiencing extreme pain—and if it’s extreme to you, it is extreme—contact your doctor. Even if it turns out to be nothing, it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

Myth: Birth involves lots of screaming.

If you’ve seen any movie with a birth scene, you’ve probably heard the mom-to-be comically screaming as she pushes the baby out. Think Knocked Up or The Back-up Plan. But according to birth doula Darby Morris, screaming is actually discouraged during the birth itself.

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“Knocked Up” (2007)/Universal Pictures

This isn’t because doctors don’t want damaged ear drums or that ladies are too shy to scream—yelling just makes it harder to push.
Morris compares the feeling of pushing during labor to pushing when you’re constipated. Imagine trying to push and scream at the same time in the bathroom—it’s almost impossible. Morris says that women are usually quiet: One, so they can focus on pushing, and two, because they’re exhausted from the lengthy process of labor.

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Motherhood

Parents Have A Favorite Child, And It's Usually Their First

“My oldest tends to be my favorite most often,” one mom of three—let’s call her Samantha—tells HealthyWay. “She is at a stage that is less challenging for me currently, and she is most like me, so I understand her the best.”
Before you jump to conclusions and find yourself wondering what kind of mom favors one child over another, you need to know two things.
First, Samantha is quick to point out that her favorite child changes from time to time.
“Relationships with our children are like relationships with any other person in that we connect to them differently,” she explains. “I love them all equally, but I certainly may like them differently depending on the day.”
The second thing you need to know is that Samantha isn’t all that different from other parents. The only thing that truly sets her apart is that she is honest about favoring one child over the other, while many parents deny this to be true. The truth is, research actually shows that favoring a child isn’t all that uncommon. And, like Samantha, most parents will favor their oldest child. Birth order does influence how parents feel about their children, according to a study published in The Journal of Family Psychology.
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In the study, which was published in 2005, 384 families were surveyed. Each of these families had a pair of children that were no more than four years apart in age. And although the parents did admit to having a favorite child, they didn’t admit to which child it was. Instead, the children themselves were surveyed on how they perceived preferential treatment from their parents and how it impacted their self-esteem.

And the Winner Is…

In the study, both oldest and youngest child argued that their sibling received preferential treatment. Of course, if any of us think back to our own childhood, we might say that our parents liked our sibling better, too. It goes to show that, no matter the birth order, children are going to believe they are being slighted by their parent.

This wasn’t the only thing we discovered from their survey results. Much more telling were the revelations about how preferential treatment influenced feelings of self-worth. Specifically, it was the oldest child who was impacted the least by preferential treatment. Meanwhile, younger kids were much more likely to have their self-esteem suffer, suggesting that the parents did, in fact, favor the older child.
Additionally, in a second visit with these families, conflicts and problems were presented to the family. In recording the family as they attempted to resolving these conflicts, researchers noted that preferential treatment seemed to fall on the oldest child most often.
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What about families that don’t fit in the neat mold of having two children? Well, middle children are the least likely to be favored, according to The New York Times.

Why Parents Play Favorites

As explained above, parents are definitely most likely to favor their older children. Of course, there are always exceptions to rules, and birth order isn’t the only factor that influences how parents feel about their children. The truth is, behavior does impact how parents treat their kids.
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It’s hard not to prefer the kids who make parenting easier, according to Kryss Shane, a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in adolescent and child counseling. She explains further that if parents are busy, the child who is more likely to sit quietly during work calls or stressful times may gain a spot of favoritism as well.
For one mom of two, birth order doesn’t seem to matter at all. She admits to struggling with feelings of preference towards her youngest child on a regular basis.
“I have a favorite child,” she admits. “It’s the one who thinks linearly, isn’t lost in his head, and is affectionate. It’s easy to spend time with him and I understand him.”
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She continues on to explain that her other child, her oldest, is much different. She doesn’t understand the way she thinks, often feels overwhelmed and unnerved by her chatty and hyperactive nature, and frustrated by her misbehavior.
In other cases, similarities that exist between parent and child my explain why a parent may show preference. Bonding over music or hobbies may provide a stronger connection, says Shane. And if the child is exceptional in a way that is prioritized by the parent, such as getting good grades or performing well in sports, parents may favor kids because of the pride they feel for that child or the bragging rights they provide.
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Interestingly enough, although many parents may say differently, the child who receives the status of favorite child probably remains the same, no matter how their behavior or performance changes, according Oksana Hagerty, PhD, an educational and developmental psychologist who serves as a learning specialist at Beacon College.
“No matter what has happened, most of the time, the status of the kid as a favorite or a non-favorite remains the same throughout the life of the kids or the parent,” she says.

When Favoritism is Harmless

Not all feelings of favoritism are reason for concern, according to Shane. In fact, she believes these preferences are fairly typical, and research backs that up. The truth is, 70 percent of mothers report feelings of preference towards one child, and 74 percent of fathers say the same.
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“It’s generally assumed that having a favorite child is wrong because it puts children against each other and means that at least one child has to then be the least favorite child,” Hagerty says. “However, this is super common, it’s something that can change frequently, and it is no reason for parents to feel guilty.”
Additionally, feelings are simply feelings. And for mothers like Samantha, keeping favoritism harmless might be as simple as working hard to behave fairly towards your children, no matter how you feel.
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“It doesn’t affect the family dynamic,” says Samantha. “Time and time again, I have made it explicitly clear that I love each of them with a love so deep they could never understand it, and no matter what they do I would never stop loving them.”

When Favoritism is Harmful

That being said, there is no question that favoritism can be harmful to the family dynamic. According to Hagerty, it is pretty typical for favoritism to affect sibling relationships.
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“Very rarely does the child who is not a favorite perceive this situation as normal,” she says. “Most of the time, unfortunately, playing favorites causes rivalry between children and really affects their relationship in the future.”
According to Shane, self-aware parents should be able to see when their affection towards their children becomes a problem. Favoritism is harmful if it leads you to have more relaxed rules for one child or if you spend far more time with a specific child.
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Additionally, parents should be open to criticism from friends, co-parents, and even their children on this topic. In some cases, children will speak up, pointing out that their parents are showing preference toward one kid time and time again. This is a pretty good indication that there is a problem with the family dynamic.

Here’s What to Do if Favoritism is Harming the Family Dynamic

We all make mistakes, and showing our feelings of preference toward one child is a one that many parents may find themselves making. So what should be done in this situation? Shane recommends attacking the problem head on.
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“If a parent recognizes they’ve slighted another child or other children, it may be time to reexamine rules in the home,” she says. “To try to refrain from having one long-term favorite, parents can work to engage with each child one-on-one so each gets alone time with their parent. Parents can also work to rotate activities during family time so every child gets to do their favorite thing periodically.”
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Shane also recommends professional guidance, like counseling, if favoritism is becoming a problem in your home. A counselor can help parents examine the dynamics of the home, making certain they’re not responsible for creating a conflict and tension between siblings. Additionally, a therapist can help determine if favoritism is damaging the self-esteem of non-favorite children in the home and offer direction on what should be done next.
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In the case that behavior motivates preferential treatment, it’s a good idea to address that specific aspect of the relationship. Shane suggests beginning by planning some one-on-one time with that child doing something they prefer and listening to whatever they have to say.
“You may find that they have a lot to say but don’t compete with siblings,” she says. “Or that something is going on that may be causing their tricky behaviors at home. If any one child is becoming increasingly difficult or creating problems at school and at home, it may be time to consider seeking professional help and guidance.”

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Sweat

As Seen On TV Fitness Products: Are They Worth It?

A recent break up left you heartbroken. You haven’t seen the inside of a gym for a few months, and you’re not sleeping well. Instead of tossing in bed, you click on the television and flip to a late-night infomercial. It showcases trim, upbeat supermodels working out with some kind of enticing fitness contraption. They look happy.
Minutes later, you pop out your credit card to buy what they’re selling. During the call, the customer service representative starts an upsell speech, and suddenly, you agree to buy two of these products. But, they come with free shipping and a DVD—so it’s totally worth it.
In your mind, you know you do not need these products; but in your heart, you do need these products. How is it possible to feel polar opposite ways at the same time?

Mind Games

This tension between real and emotional need arises when basic body dissatisfaction overwhelms your mind. Research has shown that when people, particularly women, see images of models, anxiety about their own self-image escalates.
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In a review published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology, researchers wrote that women frequently make appearance-related social comparisons, which can lead to body dissatisfaction, and they continue to make these comparisons even with “detrimental consequences.”
In short, if you see an image that makes you feel bad about your body, you’ll keep looking at it. Naturally, you’ll do what it takes to look like the image. The producers of the fitness product commercials capitalize on this.
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“Humans are hardwired to avoid anxiety,” says Eamonn Leaver, registered psychologist and writer at fitness resource The Home Fit Freak. “Attractive models are using the very product—Shake Weight, ab shaker, et cetera—that can help people get that ideal body and alleviate the anxiety they’re experiencing. As such, they feel compelled to purchase it.”
In addition, trendy fitness products appear to solve the major excuses people list for eschewing exercise. Consider two examples:

  1. I have no time to work out. That common thought, Weaver says, is exactly why As Seen on TV products claim to work very quickly.
  2. Exercising is hard. It’s a chore. “That is why those attractive models with the desirable physiques always have smiles on their faces when demonstrating the product,” says Leaver. This perception that a product will bring you joy compels you to bring out your credit card.

Ultimately, explains Leaver, As Seen On TV products create unrealistic expectations in consumers’ minds. “The advertisements make them seem like they definitely will work.”

But will As Seen On TV products work outside of the shiny studio?

Well, sometimes.
As a standalone replacement of a workout routine, very seldom do they work, says Jon Santangelo, a former personal trainer. He does not recommend most of these products as a gym replacement; some, however, are worth it in a bind. He advises staying selective in what you choose: “Do not go for the fad products. Go for simplicity and functionality.”
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Lynda Lippin, a Pilates instructor and ACE-certified personal trainer, expresses positive feelings toward most of the products. “In my opinion, anything that gets a previously immobile person moving, and is pretty safe, is a success.” But she does say some are downright dangerous. Do your homework.

Ready to go shopping?

If you’re going to purchase a fitness product in the middle a midnight stupor, you should at least be an educated consumer. To help, knowledgeable health and fitness professionals will provide their thoughts on popular TV fitness products.

Say no to spot reducers.

The fitness product that spurred an infomercial phenomenon, the ThighMaster was hawked by television star Suzanne Somers to shape and tone your inner thighs. She began as its spokesperson back in 1990, and she said she stopped counting how many were sold after 10 million units, according to NBC News.

The ThighMaster is touted as an exercise you can do while watching television—all you need to do is simply put the mechanism between your thighs and squeeze. But Jeff Deal, a certified corrective exercise specialist and owner of iDEAL Fitness, says products that focus on training a body part to make it smaller do not work.
“This concept of spot reduction is impossible. In fact, if someone were to change nothing else in their life, with the exception of one of these products, they would more likely increase the size of the body part.”
In a study published in the Journal of Strength and Conditioning Research, researchers investigated the effects of abdominal exercises on abdominal fat. Results showed no significant effects of such spot-reduction/toning exercises on body weight, body fat percentage, and abdominal circumference. Spot reduction, it seems, is a myth. Dieting and exercise will burn fat, but not in targeted areas.

Like the ThighMaster, the Ab Roller is based on spot reduction. Invented in 1994, the ab contraption promised to “sculpt abdominals faster than you’ve ever dreamed possible.” Trainers have been shaking their heads ever since.
“All Pilates and fitness pros are on board with the need for people to learn to stabilize their spines, and this product works against that,” says Lippin. “I had one male client give himself some hernias with the Ab Roller.”

Don’t replace your meal just yet.

Meal replacement shakes populate late-night television and dominate nutrition store shelves. You always see your coworker bring one for lunch. But should you really drink your meal instead of eat it?

Research in the journal Diabetes Spectrum says that meal replacement shakes do offer benefits in weight management: They provide individuals with pre-measured amounts of food with known amounts of nutrients. But to maintain healthy weight loss, meal replacement therapy must be responsible and sustained. It’s imperative that you speak with a health care professional to determine whether these shakes, and which shakes, can serve as a useful weight management tool.
Donna Benjamin, owner and head coach at Crossfit Homeward, says she’s heard plenty of weight loss success stories surrounding meal replacement shakes. But she also says that this bland, ultra-regimented type of nutrition isn’t sustainable.
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“Shakes might help an athlete get started on the path to a healthier lifestyle,” she says, “but the joy of gathering at a table and eating a flavorful meal will motivate the athlete to stay on track.”

Weigh the benefits of the Shake Weight.

Taking the infomercial timeslot by storm in mid-2009, the Shake Weight promised to tone your upper body using daily, six-minute workouts—for only $19.95! One ad for the product claimed that it increased muscle activation by 300 percent.

The direction of response of a body function to any agent depends to a large degree on the initial level of that function.

Such an illustrious claim had people running to the phone to buy; by August 2010, Shake Weight’s manufacturer was $40 million richer. By December of the following year, they’d sold 4.5 million units.
Due to its wonky motion, the Shake Weight went viral, with everyone from YouTubers to the folks at Saturday Night Live parodying it—buying a Shake Weight to do so, of course.

To find out if the Shake Weight was truly worth its hype, the American Council on Exercise conducted a study evaluating the degree of muscle activation in Shake Weight exercises versus identical exercises with an equally weighted dumbbell. The women’s dumbbell was 2.5 pounds, and the men’s was 5 pounds.
The results showed that the average muscle activation was 66 percent greater for the Shake Weight exercises compared to the dumbbell exercises. Not quite 300 percent, but still an increase.
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The low weight of the dumbbells, though, made some question the practical uses of the Shake Weight for more experienced lifters: “For a person who has experience with resistance training … it’s probably going to have, at most, a modest effect,” said Cedric X. Bryant, ACE’s chief science officer, in a roundup of the 2011 study.
More in the doubt category: A 2012 study published in the Journal of Sports Science & Medicine found no significant increase in muscle activation for Shake Weight exercises compared to normal weights.

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Actress Emma Stone using a Shake Weight on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon in September 2010 (NBC Universal via Wall Devil)

That said, the Shake Weight could be a good way for a “previously immobile person,” as Lippin said, to get moving. Bryant cited Wilder’s law of initial value: “the direction of response of a body function to any agent depends to a large degree on the initial level of that function.”
“If you put forth effort,” Bryant said, “the Shake Weight, because it provides some level of resistance will produce an exercise response, particularly for individuals at the low end of the fitness spectrum.”

Take a hack at the Ab Carver.

The ab wheel, dressed up below as the Ab Carver, is a wheel connected to two handles for you to roll out your body into a plank position. Its popularity lies in its simplistic design, low price, and small size. You can slip it under your bed or throw it in your luggage.

“The ab wheel is actually a pretty cool device,” says Rui Li, a NASM-certified personal trainer and CEO of New York Personal Training. “It works essentially like a plank, except instead of staying in the same position, you roll your way out into the plank position.”
Li finds the ab wheel effective in building strength in the rectus abdominis, the muscles that you can see on people with washboard abs. “These muscles are important because they allow you to sit up easily and push heavy weight over your head,” she says.

A Fitness Shopper’s First Step

Don’t just take these experts’ words for it, either. If you decide to move forward with buying one of these fitness products, Danielle Girdano, president of D’fine Sculpting & Nutrition, recommends speaking to a professional first. Any of these fitness products should be discussed with a health care professional who uses them, personally or in their practice.
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“Also, remember that online reviews can be skewed or even advertisements in disguise, so be sure that any information gathered comes from a trusted, unbiased source,” she says.
In addition, you should always seek the approval of a medical professional before starting any fitness program, especially if you have not worked out for a long period of time.
Now that you understand how infomercials play off of poor self-image, this might help you make wiser choices at 2 a.m. You can still purchase these products, as we can see they are not all a waste of money—just be sure you really know what you’re getting.

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Wellbeing

Go To Bed Angry (And More Surprising Secrets Of A Happy Marriage)

When I first got married, I really sucked at being a married person.
I was young, selfish, and pretty difficult to communicate with. I entered marriage thinking that the fabled Prince Charming awaited, and instead, I found a regular guy with a good heart—who also really sucked at getting his dirty dishes from the living room to the kitchen.
My husband and I recently celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary, and looking back, we both agree that year one was the absolute worst. He admits that he thought he was getting a wife/maid combo once he put a ring on it, and as I confessed, I thought I was entering a fairytale.
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Something good happened between that rough first year and now, though. A lot of good things happened, actually, and now we’re happy. We enjoy being married, and we genuinely like each other. And that’s saying a lot, considering how our life right after our wedding was pretty close to miserable. So, what did we start doing right?
Well, more on that later. But in short, what matters most for us is that we’re trying; we’re living and learning; we’re choosing marriage. And those secrets are just a sampling of what we could list, but honestly, I’ve learned that the secrets to success vary from couple to couple.
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See, in an attempt to hear from other couples about their secrets of a happy marriage, I turned to social media. Lately, my feed has been full of breakups, divorce announcements, and single-life struggles, so I was a bit hesitant to crowdsource for happy husbands and wives…but to my amazement and joy, 70 individuals replied to my query. Seventy!
If you thought happiness in marriage was a myth, you’re going to be persuaded otherwise. There are many, many happy couples out there, and they have some really surprising secrets to spill. Below are the overarching themes of what they shared paired with insight from relationship professionals.

If you need to, go to bed angry.

“We have all heard the saying ‘Don’t go to bed angry,’” says Stefani, who has been married for nine years, “but if it’s late and you’re both overtired, sometimes that’s the smartest thing to do. You can always continue the conversation in the morning. … Trying to solve … something while exhausted and you just can’t think clearly can lead to even more problems. Learning how your husband or wife processes [conflict] will be a huge help in communicating what you need and want from them.”
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On that note, Rochelle Peachey, a couples counselor, says, “If you do go to bed with the argument unsolved, be the first one to re-open it, but in a more reasonable way. If your partner is the one who re-visits last night’s disagreement, then you need to be willing to listen and talk it through.”

Don’t make your spouse your everything.

Should you lose yourself in marriage? Make your spouse your everything? Layla Lawrence, a contributor at mom.me who has been married for ten years, wrote a piece titled No, My Husband Is Not My Best Friend. It reads: “The number-one reason my husband is not my best friend: I don’t believe one person should carry the burden of my entire emotional life.”
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Isn’t that the truth? My husband loves me, this I know, but does he need to catch every tear I cry? I don’t think so.
Lawrence continued: “I mean, let’s share that s***. Spread it out. I’m a lot to handle and he does a good job husbanding me, but no man deserves to be a girl’s literal everything. It’s just too much.”
That mentality transfers just as easily to husbands. I need my man to have friends and hobbies outside of me. I don’t complete him. He’s his own person and our relationship, albeit an important one, is only a facet of who he is.

[Marriage] is meant to be interdependent, not codependent.

Michael DeMarco, PhD, a relationship counselor and sex therapist says, “I look at healthy relationships like a Venn diagram of overlapping circles. If you are a whole person, you’re going to, hopefully, attract and be in a relationship with another whole person—and where you overlap is your relationship. This also means that there will be areas in which you don’t overlap, and don’t have to!”
Jim Seibold, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist, concurs: “[Marriage] is meant to be interdependent, not codependent. Interdependence means that couples share, live, and work together, but do not solely rely on each other.”

Communicate. Learn. Adapt.

Mickey Eckles, a pastor and marriage counselor of 25 years, stresses that there is one skill that couples must commit to learning if they want to be happy. That skill? Communication!
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“If we can learn to communicate openly and honestly with one another, we can express our desires and dislikes. More than that, we can navigate any issue that tries to rob our joy and unity. Marriage is work, and great marriages are working at it all the time.”
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“In all of life, we should continue to learn,” says Brian Taylor, an author and relationship coach. “Most certainly in our relationships. Most professions have Continuing Professional Development requirements. Why not, in our most important relationship, have Continuing Personal Development requirements?”

Put your spouse in your schedule.

Eckles introduced me to Willard F. Harley, Jr., PhD, who wrote the book Surviving An Affair. In it he wrote:
“You have 168 hours every week (24×7) to schedule for something. I highly recommend 8 hours of sleep a night, so that leaves 112 waking hours. Getting ready for the day, and going to bed at night may require, say, 12 hours, and work plus commute may take another 50 hours. That leaves 50 more hours to spend doing what you value most, and 15 of those hours should be dedicated to maintaining a passionate and fulfilling marriage.”
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Kristy and her husband, Sean, have been married for 23 years, and she heartily agrees.
“Make time—lots, weekly—to just be a couple. We were so poor starting out, we made dates of movies in, walks, coffee … we laugh together a lot. Now we still make the time, only we don’t need childcare anymore, so we can eat out more, which I love! Also, once or twice a year we get away together and have a little honeymoon.”
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If your job gets 40-plus hours a week from you, the secret to maintaining a happy marriage is to make sure your spouse is getting a nice chunk of the 168 hours you have to allot.

Know that being happy isn’t the goal.

You’re in a committed relationship that needs to weather many hardships— that’s just life! So, if you make it your sole goal to be happy, you’ll most likely be unhappy.
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“If the goal is to be happy, that means that any conflict would likely feel like failing,” Seibold says. This would lead to feelings of anxiety, even panic.”
“In fact, arguments are a sign of health,” he continues. “It suggests that couples respect one another enough to bring issues to the table. It also communicates trust in each other and the relationship. It says ‘I trust you to hear me’ and ‘I trust our relationship can handle this.’ If you hear a couple suggest that they are great together because they never fight, that is a sign of trouble. That means they are not sharing enough.”
I think we all need to ask ourselves, “What is the purpose of marriage?” Is your purpose to be happy, or is your purpose to partner with someone through life’s experiences?
HealthyWay
After connecting with so many happy couples and sharing their thoughts with experts, it seems that the vast majority agree that when you forget happiness and focus on other crucial elements of marriage, you wind up finding happiness. If it’s not the focus, it will surely come.

So, what worked for my husband and I?

My husband said it best: “I choose her over myself.” And I agree—finding happiness in our marriage has been more about making each other happy than seeking our own.
HealthyWay
To us, marriage is about entering a partnership where you’re both willing to give 100 percent. We fill in each other’s gaps, make decisions based on what is best for each other, and show up each and every day. From the little things like packing lunches (that’s one thing I do for my husband each day) to the big things like taking them on their dream vacation (my husband did that for me last spring).
Eckles brings speaks of the concept of preferring one another. That’s a phrase not often heard in marriage talk, but it bodes true. Preferring your spouse gives them priority. It’s choosing them and holding space for them to choose you.

Categories
Wellbeing

Florists Reveal Bride Behaviors That Drive Them Crazy

More than 2 million couples get married in the United States every year, and presumably, most of them have weddings. Most of those weddings have flowers, and most of those flowers are prepared, arranged, delivered, and set up by florists.
In 2017, on average, those florists worked 54 weddings apiece, with about 23.7 hours of work per event. The average wedding requires 632 “stems” (that’s florist talk for individual flowers). Over and above the near-full-day florists spend arranging flowers for each wedding, they also provide countless hours of consultation, email correspondence, and debate over the relative merits of fuchsia versus magenta.
Florists are human beings who can only take so much before they want to set fire to their own flower coolers. And couples who are essentially tasked with planning a massive, raging party that won’t offend the grandparents aren’t known for their calm, stress-free approach to personal interaction.

I’d rather go out of business than go back to weddings every weekend.

Florists get it: It’s your special day. But your special day is another hard shift for the person behind your floral dreams. It’s nice to remember that and to avoid behavior that drives florists crazy. We’re talking about stuff like:

1. Having Eyes Too Big for Your Budget

We’ll call this florist “Violet.” She runs a small, Midwestern flower shop that caters largely to the young and the hip, i.e., the prime marriage demographic. But not so long ago, she stopped offering wedding services, even though the events made up a fair chunk of her shop’s income.
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“I’d rather go out of business than go back to weddings every weekend,” she tells HealthyWay. This is a source who’s ready to talk straight. With no incentive to sugarcoat, she’s the ideal florist to warn those who are about to get married what not to do.
When we ask Violet about annoying bride behavior, one word comes up again and again: Pinterest. Apparently the site’s floral content can create outsized expectations.
HealthyWay
“They find some pictures on Pinterest and then contact you about their wedding,” Violet says. “They’ll be like, ‘Well, I have a really low budget, but it’s cool because I just want something really simple, like this.’ And they’ll show you a bouquet that they maybe think is really simple because it just has one ingredient, but it’s about 30 stems of Phalaenopsis orchid, which are quite expensive per stem.”
The misunderstanding isn’t the problem, Violet says. She’s happy to explain the blunt facts of cut flower pricing to a confused bride. The trouble starts when Violet gently breaks the news that this Pinterest bouquet would cost a cool grand, and the bride stares back, unperturbed.
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“But they’re like, ‘Okay, so my budget is $75, and this is what I want. What can you do for me?'”
Keep in mind that florists are very aware they’ll be interacting with their clients for the next 12 to 18 months or however far out they book their weddings. This is not the right foot to start out on. Still, Violet doesn’t blame the bride, not really.
“That happens a lot,” she says. “But that’s the internet’s fault.”

2. Expecting “Local” Without Limits

“Lily” works for another Midwestern flower shop, where she handles most of the wedding business. Her shop focuses on local flowers and greens, with dramatic, unconventional arrangements.
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As a result, Lily’s shop has become quite popular with couples who worry about the (considerable) environmental problems associated with importing cut flowers from Central and South America. The concern is commendable. Unfortunately, some brides seem to like the idea of shopping local more than the reality of what’s locally available.
“They’ll book a wedding on New Year’s Eve and say they want all local,” Lily says. “I mean, unless you live in Hawaii, that’s not very cool to do.”
Local flowers grow according to the local ecosystem. Sadly, brides must choose between what’s available locally during the season and having the bouquet they’ve always dreamed of.
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Of course, there is a middle ground if neither extreme works for you. You can always ask for sustainably-grown flowers from California. The California Cut Flower Commission awards BloomCheck Certification only to growers that use the “best practices for sustainability when it comes to water; air and soil quality; wildlife protection; and social impacts on workers and the community,” and the state offers a wide range of cut flower species year-round.

3. Inviting Too Many Cooks to the Consultation

Wedding consultations can be short and sweet. Often, more gets done that way. Most are neither short nor sweet, to hear Violet tell it. She never charged for consultations (many florists don’t), and as the hours ticked past, she could hear almost the steady plink of coins dropping from her cash register into the bottomless pit of lost productivity.
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“The second-worst [person to bring to a wedding consultation] would be a sister or a bridesmaid who just got married,” Violet says. “Because then that person will be like, ‘Well, at my wedding…’ It’s really fresh in her mind because she just did all that, so she wants to be a lot like, ‘When I was planning my wedding, then…,’ you know? That person can be bossy.”
Okay, so we have to ask: If that’s the “second-worst” attendee of a wedding consultation, who is the worst? Violet doesn’t bat an eyelash.
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“The worst thing is a mom, and then the worst type of mom is the one that’s like, ‘Well, I worked at a florist shop when I was in high school, so I have a lot of ideas and specifications about what should happen here.'”
Apparently, this character appears frequently enough to be a thing in the floral industry.
Now, we wouldn’t advocate leaving your mother out of the consultation if you want her there. But there are a few things you can do to make the whole experience more pleasant.
HealthyWay
First of all, have clear ideas about what you want. Arrive with your budget in mind. And, if you prefer a longer, more intensive discussion (or if your mother takes the whole afternoon off in preparation), consider visiting a florist that charges for consultations. At least that way, there’ll be pressure on both sides to keep things rolling along efficiently.

4. Having Too Particular a Palette

Florists are experts in color. They can talk your ear off about the difference between “eggshell” and “cream.” But what they can’t do is affect the subtle shade of a particular bloom, at least, not without spray paint, and who wants a spray-painted flower?
HealthyWay
The color scheme is a huge decision for a wedding ceremony, and many couples get really into picking theirs out. That’s terrific. Just remember that flowers are plants, and while growers breed them in many finely-tuned hues, there’s bound to be a little variation from stem to stem. A bit of flexibility will go a long way in creating the picture-perfect ceremony.
The most annoying bridal behavior “comes in the form of a Biblical nitpickery … like, 18 emails a day for a year,” says Violet. “Like, ‘Look, I know before I said royal, but now it might be more of a cobalt, but cobalt tending more towards royal than to navy. Maybe it’s a light navy.”
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That’s too particular, Violet says.
“It doesn’t get to that level of specificity,” she explains.

5. Being Too Stressed to Survive

This advice goes way beyond the flowers: Relax. No wedding ceremony is perfect. The caterers will forget the mac and cheese. Your in-laws will be unhappy with the music. The kids will drain unattended glasses. This stuff happens, and you still end up married the next day.
Wedding florists have seen it all, and since they’re on the scene on the big day, they often end up acting as unofficial fixers for the couple of the hour. They might provide the crucial safety pin to correct a last-minute dress malfunction. They might talk down a stressed out groomsman while pinning on the boutonniere. But performing in this role also subjects them to some less-than-chill behavior on the part of their clients.
HealthyWay
“You can have a bride that is really easygoing up to the day of the wedding, and on wedding day, she’s a type A nightmare,” says Lily. “Wedding days are stressful, so that makes more sense.”
The stranger iteration of a stressed-out bride is the opposite, Lily says.
“What’s weirder, and this happens just as often, is that someone who bothers you for months before the event, and then on wedding day, they’re super relaxed about whatever happens,” she says. “That’s a little more heartening to me: They made it here, and they’re happy about it. They’re enjoying this.”

6. Ignoring This Alarming Professional Advice

You know what else gets you married, besides a lavish, 500-guest, Kim and Kanye-style ceremony? A quick trip to the courthouse. Violet won’t blame you if you decide to take the easy route. Her general take on the wedding ceremony is that it’s more trouble than it’s worth.
HealthyWay
“For most people, it does seem like a really stressful and off-putting occasion,” she says. “And I feel bad for them.”
Her advice?
“Just don’t do it,” she says. “I mean, that’s the only way to avoid the overthinking and the terror and the anxiety.”

Categories
Wellbeing

I Deja Du: Etiquette For Your Second (Or Third) Wedding

Americans are known for a lot of things, and one of them is getting back up after getting knocked down. Believe it or not, this is especially true when it comes to marriage and divorce.
Although recent studies show that anywhere between 40 and 50 percent of American marriages end in divorce, the brides and grooms in those dissolved relationships will probably enter new ones in which they marry again.
In 2013, two in five new marriages included at least one partner who had been previously married, according to the Pew Research Center. One in five new marriages involved partners who had both walked down the aisle before.
This means brides and grooms aren’t giving up on love if it doesn’t work out the first time, and they are willing to take the plunge again. What this also means is encore weddings—weddings that happen after one’s first—are happening all the time.
HealthyWay
If you’re considering trying your hand at marriage again, or are invited to an encore wedding, you’ll need to know the etiquette.

For the Bride

Let’s face it: You’re the star of the show. And since all eyes are on you, it’s a must that you know encore wedding etiquette.

The Dress

Believe it or not, white wasn’t always the color of choice for wedding dresses. In fact, up until the 19th century, it was common for brides to wear red, as a symbol of fertility, or black, if the soon-to-be husband was a widower. But Queen Victoria changed all of that when she wed Prince Albert in 1840.
Instead of donning the same tired dresses that so many brides wore before her, the sassy Queen designed her own dress and decided she wanted to wear white.
HealthyWay
Since then, the color caught on. Tradition states that white should only be used for the first wedding—the color has long been associated with purity and, well, virginity. But is that tradition really important? If you spot a gorgeous dress that happens to be white, do you have to forgo the fabulous frock because of your past relationship?
“Absolutely not,” says Jenny Orsini, owner and creative director of Jenny Orsini Events. “Gone are the days of traditional wedding dress colors and rules about second marriages and proper attire. In today’s day and age, brides should only follow one rule: Keep it elegant, classy, and fabulous! But following color-appropriate rules? That’s a thing of the past.”
HealthyWay
And as for style? Encore brides tend to veer away from conventional dresses, says Kelly Heyn, owner of SociaLife, a wedding and event planning company.
“I have found that many brides tend to veer away from classic and traditional gowns completely,” she says. “Some choose to wear white but keep the style of their gown informal by wearing a shorter, cocktail-style dress.”
So it seems that encore wedding dress etiquette states that there actually isn’t any etiquette other than to feel comfortable with, and fabulous in, your choice.

The Bridal Activities

Let’s face it, part of the appeal of being the bride is all of the extracurriculars that come with the title. From bridal showers to bachelorette parties, brides get to have all the fun.
But does that mean you’re obligated to have all the pre-wedding hoopla again? Lots of brides don’t and choose a more low-key route, says Orsini.
HealthyWay
“A lot of my encore brides choose to forgo the typical large bridal shower and opt for a more casual brunch or dinner with their closest family and friends,” she says.
So if that’s your style, do you. But if you want a big bridal shower and an even bigger bachelorette party, then go crazy with it. This is your wedding, and you should do what you want. Those who don’t agree can choose not to attend.

For the Guests

If we’re being honest, being a guest at a wedding is a pretty sweet gig. For the small price of a few hours of their time, they get free food, entertainment, and a chance to witness two people promise to love each other forever. But unless they know the rules for guests at second weddings, they likely won’t be invited back if there’s a third.

The Gift

From dowries to wedding chests, the idea of gaining gifts as a result of marriage has been around for centuries. And when wedding guests began giving the happy couples presents on their big days, deciding what to buy was the biggest question. Nowadays, the present predicament extends to whether or not guests are expected to bring gifts when it’s a second or third marriage.

Just because it is a second marriage doesn’t mean it is not as special or important.

Before you scoff at the idea of not bringing a present to the nuptials, consider this: Wedding gifts are expensive. On average, a person spends anywhere from $73 to $245 on a wedding present depending on where they live. The typical cash present also sets guests back by about $160.
If you’re attending a lot of marriage ceremonies, the cost of all these presents can add up to a shocking amount. Money becomes an even bigger potential issue when you go to multiple marriages for the same person.
So what is a wedding guest to do? Should they bring gifts, even though the soon-to-be-newlyweds have been through this before?
“Yes, guests should still be expected to bring presents and attend any other event that coincides with the wedding,” says Heyn. “Just because it is a second marriage doesn’t mean it is not as special or important. If someone is paying for you to be a guest and attend their event, then it is only proper etiquette to bring a gift.”
HealthyWay
In all likelihood, however, you were invited to the wedding so that you could be there, not so that you would bring an epic gift. Chances are your presence is the only gift the couple wants, but you should still bring a little something anyways.

Bringing up the Ex

It’s probably not a secret to your guests that they are attending an encore wedding. They likely know that you had a life before the person you’re about to marry now, and that there may even be byproducts of that past life, like children. But because a wedding is all about the future, the past that involves an ex shouldn’t be brought up, right? Not necessarily.

For best results, survey the room before you risk the chance. Avoid talking about the ex if you know it will cause problems. However, as long as you’re respectful about the person, the room shouldn’t gasp in horror upon hearing their name. It’s perfectly appropriate to ask about them, especially if the person is still well-received among the guests. But you may not want to focus on them too much; a casual inquiry is fine.

For the Couple

Brides and grooms with previous marriages under their belts may be unsure or even cautious about what is appropriate for second and third marriages. Is having all the trimmings going overboard, or should you just do what you want?

Wedding Traditions

Wedding receptions are usually laced with customs and traditions. Dances, garter and bouquet tosses, and all kinds of reception rite-of-passages are typically seen at first weddings, but encore weddings often feature less of that, says Orsini.
HealthyWay
“With most of our encore weddings, the couples tend to steer clear of some of the more ‘old school’ traditions such as the garter and bouquet toss,” she says. “They still cut the cake and have special dances, however.”
And when those customs do take place, they often involve what seems to be a staple at encore weddings: children.
HealthyWay
“What we often see are the children playing a bigger role in the wedding,” says Orsini. “Brides and grooms having encore weddings often have older children, and they are very important on the wedding day. Brides often dance with their sons, or older daughters actually serve as maids of honor. I definitely see a greater emphasis on the children.”

Types of Weddings

Second weddings are typically known for being more low-key than first weddings. Perhaps it’s the stress, money, or craziness that planning and having these large nuptials can bring that makes some take their encore marriages in the opposite direction. But sometimes it’s the fear of what others think that makes some downsize their weddings.
HealthyWay
When it comes to your special day, however, you shouldn’t care what others think, says Heyn.

So do what makes you happy, as long as it’s a good party!

“I think brides and grooms should pay attention to what is most important to them and how their personalities are reflected throughout the wedding day,” she says.
“If they are big entertainers and they love to throw extravagant parties, then why not have a large wedding? If they are more conservative and would never have had a large wedding in the first place, then they should choose to have a more relaxed and intimate wedding. They shouldn’t be looking back on the past but rather living in the present and celebrating this new part of their lives.”
HealthyWay
Some brides and grooms may think that they’ll seem a little extra if they want a big wedding with all of the fixings, particularly if they already had a big event for their previous relationship. But this shouldn’t stop you from doing what you want, says Orsini.
“If they want the trimmings and a big blow out wedding the second time around, I say go for it!” she says. “I’m a very big proponent for clients getting what they want and not worrying too much about what people may think. We all know you’ll never please everyone! So do what makes you happy, as long as it’s a good party! Bottom line is, your guests just want to come and celebrate with you. Why not give them a big party, if that’s your vision?”
HealthyWay
You’re likely not trying to upset anyone by getting married a second, third, fourth, fifth, or hundredth time; You probably just want to have a wedding the way you want. Guess what? There’s nothing wrong with that. Last time we checked, you and your fiancé(e) are getting married, not anyone who has something negative to say about your marriage. So do what you and your future spouse want to do, and if that includes having the wedding of your dreams more than once, so be it.

Categories
Motherhood

"Invisible Mothers" And Other Bizarre Parenting Trends From The Past

Parenting just isn’t what it used to be.
For better or worse, raising a kid today looks a whole lot different than it once did. Things that were perfectly acceptable just a generation ago seem downright unthinkable today. Putting juice in your baby’s bottle? No way. Letting your preschooler play with fireworks? Are you crazy?
“Forget sippy cups, our parents didn’t even use car seats or bike helmets!” Ilana Wiles, creator of the parenting blog Mommy Shorts, told HuffPost.

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iStock

As strange as it may seem now to look back at the parenting norms in the ’70s and ’80s, the rabbit hole goes so much deeper than you could ever imagine. These bizarre parenting trends of the past will give you a whole new level of respect for how your parents raised you.
But before you start blaming generations past, we thought we’d provide a little contemporary context on the general weirdness of parenting. We spoke to Fran Walfish, PsyD, author of The Self-Aware Parent, to get a professional take on the changing nature of parenting.
According to Walfish, some things haven’t changed at all from the days of the Invisible Mothers (more on that later). Other things are night and day.
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iStock

“Overprotective mothers, as well as harshly punitive fathers, have existed for centuries. They still do,” Walfish tells HealthyWay. “However, some things have changed. We now have a Child Protective Services reporting system in place that monitors and investigates suspected cases of child abuse.”
If that agency existed at the time of the following parenting trends, we’re pretty sure they would have locked a few of these parents up.

Now You (Don’t) See Me

In the Victorian era, family photo day led to the creation of “invisible mothers.”
Babies are naturally photogenic. Whether they’re smiling, sleeping, or crying, they’re impossibly adorable bundles of dimples and peach fuzz. These days, taking a photo of your kids is as simple as picking up your phone, but it wasn’t always so easy. Long before our phones had cameras—back when even the telephone itself was on the cutting edge of technology—getting a photograph at all was an ordeal; trying to get a photo of a squirming infant was a Sisyphean task.

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Ohio Memory

That’s because back in the 19th century, the technology of photography was still in its early stages. Only professional photographers owned cameras and knew how to use them, and even the newly-developed wet-collodion process required exposure times of up to a half-minute or so.
Because photography was such a specialized skill, it also wasn’t exactly cheap, so it was important that the subject stay perfectly still for a clear image. For photographs of adults, photographers would have the subject sit in a chair with a head clamp (sort of like an electric chair but without the electric parts) to keep them still for the necessary amount of time. But what about babies?
That’s where the invisible—or hidden—mothers, as they’re called in Linda Fregni Nagler’s collection of photographs, The Hidden Mother, come in. In order to keep infant subjects calm and still for a crisp image, mothers would hold their child. But because they wanted the child to be the focus of the picture, they’d hide themselves by shrouding themselves in dark fabric, hiding behind the chair their child was sitting in—or even going so far as to impersonate furniture.
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Charm City Farmhouse

In contrast to the 19th century’s “invisible mothers”—an example of hands-on parenting in the most literal sense—another trend from the early 20th century was very much hands-off.

Here’s the mail, it never fails.

For a brief time, American parents could—and did—send their children in the mail.
No, you didn’t read that wrong. Yes, it actually happened.
These days, being able to send large packages via the postal service is something we take for granted, but before the early 20th century, Americans could only send items that weighed four pounds or less in the mail. That all changed on Jan. 1, 1913, when the U.S. Postal Service launched the parcel post service, allowing packages up to 11 pounds. Within months, the limit was increased to 20 pounds, then 50.

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Curious Mind Magazine

And of course, some people just had to take it too far.
The same year, a Glen Este, Ohio, man named Jesse Beauge and his wife decided to mail their infant son to his grandmother’s house about a mile away, becoming the first Americans in history to send a child in the mail, National Postal Museum historian Nancy Pope told The Washington Post. Luckily for the Beauges, their son weighed in at 10 pounds—just under the weight limit for parcels at the time. The postage only cost them 15 cents, but they spent an additional $50 on insurance. You know, just in case.
Some children, however, traveled much, much greater distances. The following year, 6-year-old Edna Neff was mailed from her mother’s home in Pensacola, Florida, to her father’s house in Christiansburg, Virginia—720 miles away.
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Postal Museum

Perhaps the most famous instance of a child being transported via mail, though, was that of 5-year-old May Pierstorff, commemorated in the children’s book Mailing May, published in 2000. Pierstorff’s parents had made the decision to send their daughter for a visit to her grandparents but were hesitant to pay the hefty train fare.
Being the savvy spenders they were, the Pierstorffs looked over the parcel post regulations and found that there was no prohibition on sending children—or any humans—through the postal service, so long as they didn’t exceed the 50-pound weight limit. Fortunately for them, May weighed in at 45 and a half pounds.
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ThoughtCo

So, the Pierstorffs attached the necessary 53 cents of postage stamps on their daughter’s coat and sent her on her way. May was transported from her parents’ home in Grangeville, Idaho, to her grandmother’s home in Lewiston, approximately 75 miles away.
Later in 1914, news of May Pierstorff’s travels began to spread nationally, causing then-Postmaster General Albert S. Burleson to prohibit the shipping of human parcels. That brought to an end the brief and bizarre trend of parents sending their children in the mail.
While sending your child in the mail probably isn’t the greatest parenting idea in history, it’s also probably not the worst.

Despite all their age, they’re still just a babe in a cage.

Another serious contender for that title is the practice of putting babies in cages, which were then suspended outside apartment windows—sometimes several stories above the street below.

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Mental Floss

You see, in the late 18th century, doctors started suggesting that urban-dwelling parents increase their children’s exposure to fresh air, a practice referred to by renowned pediatrician Luther Emmett Holt as “airing.” In his 1894 book, The Care and Feeding of Children, Holt wrote that, “Fresh air is required to renew and purify the blood, and this is just as necessary for health and growth as proper food.”
As you might expect—as with the case of the postal service above—some people just had to take it too far. While Holt recommended an infant be “placed in its crib or carriage which should stand a few feet from the window,” some parents took it a step further, purchasing or building wire cages to be hung outside of windows.
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Mashable

Even Eleanor Roosevelt, long before she became the first lady of the United States, got in on the “baby cage” trend. In 1906, Roosevelt purchased a chicken wire cage to hang out the window of her New York townhouse. In that cage, her first daughter, Anna, napped high above East 36th Street—until a neighbor threatened to call the authorities, that is.
Emma Read of Spokane, Washington, was the first to file a commercial patent for a baby cage in 1922, which read in part:
“It is well known that a great many difficulties rise in raising and properly housing babies and small children in crowded cities, that is to say from the health viewpoint. With these facts in view it is the purpose of the present invention to provide an article of manufacture for babies and young children, to be suspended upon the exterior of a building adjacent an open window, wherein the baby or young child may be placed.”
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Mashable

Read’s patent was granted on March 13 of the following year; by the 1930s, the cages had become popular, especially among the apartment-dwelling parents of densely-populated London. In stark contrast to the reception of Roosevelt’s baby cage in New York, Londoners embraced the idea, with municipal bodies like the East Poplar Borough council proposing permanently installing the cages outside some buildings.
Eventually, the popularity of the “baby cage” began to wane. While there’s no definitive record of exactly when and why the trend fell out of vogue, growing concerns about child safety in the next few decades (as evidenced by the invention and popularization of car seats and bicycle helmets) may have had something to do with it.

Modern Airborne Parenting Mistakes

Getting back to the present, the term “helicopter parent” has been spreading throughout the zeitgeist since its 1969 appearance in Haim Ginott’s parenting manual, Between Parent and Teenager. The helicopter parent is reluctant to give their children freedom to fail; they constantly hover over the child, overseeing homework, calling teachers, and generally trying to ensure success in all their child’s endeavors.

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Time

Recent studies have shown that modern parents spend nearly one-third more time caring for their offspring today than they did in the 1960s. Does anyone hear rotors in the sky?
While more parent-child bonding time is probably a good thing, helicopter parenting has been associated with increases in anxiety and reduced independence as the child ages.
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Chicago Tribune

A 2017 study out of New Zealand seems to back up this assertion. It found that a group of 11- to 13-year-olds only tended to travel about a third of a mile from their homes, mostly just to go to school, a friend’s house, or a food outlet. Tim Chambers, the lead researcher, later told The Guardian that his study suggests that modern kids aren’t as independent or as physically active as their parents were as children.
But like the bizarre parenting trends of the past, we can consign helicopter parenting—and other detrimental habits—to the dustbin of history, says Walfish.
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iStock

“Change is possible,” she says. “Much has been speculated and written about what is required in order to make change. One thing I know for sure: Motivation and determination are prerequisites, and pain is usually the greatest motivator for change.”

Categories
Lifestyle

8 Things People Did Before Plastic Surgery

They say beauty is only skin deep, but try telling that to the stampede of women who are now requesting the “Meghan Markle nose” from their plastic surgeons.

Seemingly overnight, Prince Harry’s fiancée has become the most popular inspiration for plastic surgery out there. Even celebrities who preach about self-love and being “Born This Way” often nose-dive into some of their own cosmetic improvements.

We’ve all wanted to look like a celebrity at one time or another, or we’ve at least wondered what we would look like with a few improvements to those “genetic flaws,” like the chest your momma didn’t give you or that nose that children confuse for a beak.

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But plastic surgery isn’t accessible to everyone. And what about the days way back when it wasn’t really an option at all? How did people manage to get those dashing dimples they were lusting after?

Well, it turns out they had their ways.

1.) Dr. Lecter’s mask would “fix” facial defects.

In 1912, if you had a facial defect, like wrinkles or sagging flesh (you know, serious facial defects), you could invest in a sort of Hannibal Lecter Mask. It was invented by a woman named Lillian Bender, and you wore it around your throat and face, with a small opening for the mouth.

The diagram itself shows just how user friendly this product is!

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Google Patents

Tanya Judge, a plastic surgeon at Tri Valley Plastic Surgery in Dublin, California, called Bender’s face mask “barbaric.”

“Trying to remove wrinkles and sagging flash by putting it in a harness would never work,” she says. “What we have learned is that the facial sagging that happens over time is not just the skin, but the tissue underneath.”

That’s why a facelift works, she says, because it lifts the tissue below and then “re-drapes the skin.”

Unfortunately, some companies are still selling similar gimmicks. Take this “face hammock” for example. It’s supposed to prevent sags and wrinkles by combatting gravity. This similar device, a “face belt,” is pretty self-explanatory.

2.) A Whole New Meaning to the Term “Chin Strap”

This one is fun. It’s called a “Chin Reducer and Beautifier” and promises to deliver the “curves of youth,” which sounds like a bad emo band.

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The Advertising Archives via fineartamerica

You just secure the chin strap around the top of your head like a belt and place the other strap under your chin. Then, the strings attached to the chin portion go up and through the forehead strap, so that you can tug on the strings and pull your chin up as tight as you like.

This is supposed to prevent and efface double chins, as well as reduce enlarged glands.

Professor Eugene Mack advertised his product as the only mechanism “producing a concentrated, continuous massage of the chin and neck, dispelling flabbiness of the neck and throat, restoring a rounded contour to thin, scrawny necks and faces, bringing a natural, healthy color to the cheeks.”

3.) The Glamour Bonnet might keep you from breathing, but you’ll be prettier for it.

According to D. M. Ackerman, if you want a beautiful complexion, a vacuum to the face will do just the trick. She made the Glamour Bonnet “like a diver’s helmet,” where the atmospheric pressure around the person’s head is lowered, similar to the experience of climbing a high mountain.

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Modern Mechanix

Ackerman claimed this vacuum helmet would stimulate blood circulation, thus leading to a more naturally beautiful complexion. Best of all, the advertisement states that “a window has been installed so the customers can read during treatments.”

This means you can catch up on all the latest celebrity gossip while you slowly asphyxiate yourself.

4.) Like being able to breathe? Don’t worry. We have electrocution, too.

An “electric mask,” invented by Joseph Brueck, MD, was supposed to treat lines, wrinkles, and sags through a battery of heating coils. Sounds super-relaxing.

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Modern Mechanix

If the image isn’t creepy enough, the description will do the trick. The wearer “breathes through a tube set between the lips of the mask, and views the world through eyes cut where eyes should be.”

Now let that sink in.

Facial electrocution for beauty is still a thing today, as this device attests. Think twice about why this would ever work before buying.

5.) An Easy Way to Recognize the Flaws You Never Knew You Had

If you’ve ever wondered what a medieval torture device looks like, check out Maksymilian Faktorowicz’s “Beauty Micrometer” (the inventor also went by the Hollywood-friendly name “Max Factor”).

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Jllm06/Wikimedia Commons

This scary-looking thing sits on your head and supposedly shows makeup professionals where all your facial flaws are so they can apply makeup appropriately. It was popularly used on actresses in the 1930s.

“Flaws almost invisible to the ordinary eye becoming glaring distortions when thrown upon the screen in highly magnified images,” according to the product’s advertisement. “But Factor’s ‘beauty micrometer’ reveals the defects.”

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Modern Mechanix

It works by using “flexible metal strips which conform closely to the various features. The strips are held in place by set screws, allowing for 325 possible adjustments.” If your nose is even slightly crooked, the ad claims the beauty micrometer will detect it and corrective makeup can be applied.

If you ask us, though, the Beauty Micrometer would only benefit actors who are taking a stab at the role of Pinhead in Hellraiser.

6.) “You have a beautiful face. But your nose?”

Don’t worry, we can fix it right up with the Trados Nose-Shaper.

This harness that you strap to your face went through several models in the early 1900s. Inventor M. Trilety was sure to warn the readers of his advertisements that looks are very important if you want to get ahead in life, and that you should look your best at all times.

… it most definitely would not quickly change the nose, be painless, or remotely comfortable.

“Permit no one to see you looking otherwise,” he warns.

Lucky for you, the harness was meant to be worn overnight, so no one would see you wearing it in public. And not only would it give you “a perfect looking nose,” but Trilety claimed it was comfortable and painless.

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Edgar R. McGuire Historical Medical Instrument Collection via University of Buffalo Libraries

In all seriousness, though, these claims were pretty baseless.

Judge says that unless the harness is used on a baby or young child with a still-developing nose, there is no way to squeeze your nose into a new shape.

“Contrary to what the ad states, it most definitely would not quickly change the nose, be painless, or remotely comfortable,” she says. “Reshaping the nose requires surgery.”

That’s why you shouldn’t buy into any similar current products either, like this one, among others.

7.) “Dimples are now made to order!”

Another lovely harness.

This one has a “face-fitting spring carrying two tiny knobs which press into the cheeks.”

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Modern Mechanix

Isabella Gilbert invented this contraption in 1936, and we have a feeling she never quite got the results she was hoping for.

“This one was a valiant effort but again ineffective,” Judge says.

In her words, dimples are created by a variant of facial muscle that connect to the overlying skin near to the corner of the mouth. When you smile, that skin indents.

“Pressing a spring on the outside of your skin would surely cause a temporary dent on your face, and if you kept it on long enough, would probably cause skin breakdown,” she says. “Creating a dimple can be done in today’s age but requires a small surgical procedure.”

8.) Targeted Vibration: The Cure-All

Little vibrating machines got really popular in the early 1900s, as advertisers treated them like a cure for just about any ailment you had.

“Those women who find that the hips are getting too large” would slim down with the help of the White Cross Electric Vibrator.

It sounds like a first generation hand-held back massager.

Supposedly it would promote soft, glossy hair if you used it on your head, and it would also drive out all the dandruff (at least that part might be a bit believable).

“Nothing would make me happier than if this device worked for fat reduction and scalp health,” Judge says. “But like most things back then, they didn’t understand fat like we do now.”

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Judge points to more modern methods of fat reduction, such the noninvasive CoolSculpting or Sculpture, as well as the invasive liposuction procedure. At least the advertisers also mentioned that the vibrators could help with aches and pains.

“The only thing this device was probably correctly advertised for is increasing blood through sore muscles,” Judge says. “It sounds like a first generation hand-held back massager.”

A Clean Cut

Judge says she finds all these products interesting because they show that “we have been striving to better our appearance for decades, and the areas of interest haven’t changed at all.”

… you have to applaud and respect the innovation involved.

We still want to look young, get rid of extra fat, and reshape our noses.

“The difference now, compared to that time period, is that we have comprehensive understanding of the anatomy of the body and the biological reasoning behind why we have extra fat, or an uneven nose, or sagging facial skin,” she says.

That’s why we can effectively and safely obtain the look we want by using surgery or modern noninvasive procedures.

“That being said,” Judge points out, “despite the wackiness and ineffectiveness of all the devices, you have to applaud and respect the innovation involved.”

Yes, they were certainly creative. Just not useful.

Categories
Motherhood

Six Styles Of Parenting (And The Pros And Cons Of Each)

We all want to be the best parents that we can be, but choosing a one size fits all approach isn’t in our nature. We’re individuals, and our kids are too. So how do we pick the perfect parenting approach that fits their needs? What style of parenting works best?
Admittedly, being the perfect parent is an impossible goal, and it’s often a process of trial and error. There’s also no lack of advice for what makes for a great parent (or vice versa). Whether it’s your parents, friends, or co-workers, everyone has their idea on what makes for the best approach. So how do you know if you’re doing it right—or worse, doing it wrong?
In truth, many parents fall into their own particular child-rearing styles naturally, often based on how they were raised—we want to emulate what our parents did right while fine-tuning things we wish they had instilled in us as children that got missed either by neglect or over-indulgence. It’s a work in progress.
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So what kind of parent are you? We live in an era where labels abound for certain styles of parenting, and some are more flattering than others. So how do we know what category we fall into? And is the style that we identify with working for us, or do we need to adopt a whole new approach to further benefit our children?
All of us could probably use some insight into these categories to help us know if we’re being the best parents possible. So if you’re trying to identify your own parenting style (while also deciding if it’s working for you or not), take a look at each parenting type and the pros and cons of each.

Helicopter

This parenting style (also know as overprotective parenting) has been largely synonymous with the 21st century, but in truth, it was actually first identified back in 1966. By hovering over their child’s activities in a hyper-focused fashion, a helicopter parent works to be a tireless advocate for their children’s success. But it has a fairly negative connotation, right down to its official definition in Merriam-Webster: “a parent who is overly involved in the life of his or her child.”

Pros:

Despite the negative perception of helicopter parenting, advocates say it has positive benefits. In an interview with The Boston Globe, Parenting to a Degree author Laura Hamilton noted that children with helicopter parents were more likely to graduate from college than those raised by less-involved parents.
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“The vast majority of those kids who got into Stanford probably got in by virtue of helicopter parents,” she said. “…It’s becoming increasingly difficult for students to successfully move through college without parental intervention and support of some kind.”
Likewise, Maine educator Elisabeth Fairfield Stokes wrote for Time that her helicopter parenting style helped to alert her that her daughter was being mistreated at her school, and if she wasn’t so in tune with her children, she would have intervened too late.

Cons:

Helicopter parents are often seen as anxious and over-controlling; they have the fear that their children can be harmed either by strangers or their peers, both physically or emotionally.
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They’re also more prone to giving into instant gratification, rather than letting their offspring develop a sense of discipline and hard-fought achievement to earn goals on their own accord. This can lead to disastrous instances, like Catherine Venusto, a school secretary who was fired after hacking into the school computer to change her children’s grades.
While an extreme example, this shows how helicopter parents desire to help their child both scholastically and professionally can backfire big time. In a piece for CNN, employer Nicole Williams pulled a job offer from a candidate after a call from their mother: “She wanted to know everything from where [the job candidate] would be sitting to a review of her responsibilities. …I withdrew the offer.”

Free Range

When New York mother Lenore Skenazy became publicly criticized for letting her 9-year-old son take the subway alone, she responded with the 2009 book Free-Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts With Worry, and it established a new parental philosophy in the process.
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Free range parents reject the notion that their children are in constant danger or that their every waking moment must be micromanaged by studying or extracurricular activities.
Free range parents aren’t worried about their child staying at home unsupervised for periods of time or taking off with their friends without checking in constantly via text messages. They feel it’s important for their kids to engage in free play, explore their surroundings, and gain a sense of self-confidence and self-reliance in the process

Pros:

Many research studies show positive aspects of free range parenting: A 2004 study notes a correlation with lower rates of ADHD, while a 2009 article from the International Journal of Early Years Education identified children raised free range as more creative, less likely to bully (or be bullied) and more able to regulate their emotions.

Cons:

The biggest issue with free range parents (beyond public perception that it’s irresponsible) are potential legal ramifications. Depending on your country, city, or state, there may be laws about what ages are too young to be left home alone.
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And as always, everything in moderation so one can avoid the fate of Erin Lee Macke, a mother in Iowa who left her four children alone at home while she enjoyed a 10-day vacation in Germany. She was arrested upon her return.

Authoritarian

Authoritarians are the strictest parenting model. Expectations are high, while rewards and displays of affection are minimal. And whereas so many modern parents are concerned with offering choices in lieu of punishment, authoritarian parents have no such compulsions. There is simply no tolerance for misbehavior.
For authoritarian parents, there is little in way of explaining why rules need to be followed, except that they must be followed.

Pros:

Advocates of authoritarian parenting say that it leads to well-behaved kids who have a clear sense of right and wrong, are well-mannered, tend to avoid harmful situations, and, thanks to hard-and-fast ground rules, they have little confusion about what’s expected of them.

Cons:

Donna Volpitta, EdD, founder of The Center for Resilient Leadership and author of The Resilience Formula: A Guide to Proactive, Not Reactive, Parenting, states that while children raised by authoritarian parents grow up to be obedient, “They rank lower in happiness and self-esteem. They tend to have difficulty with social competence and independence.”
In other words, while authoritarian parents may have obedient kids who do their homework and chores with minimal fuss, they may mature into unhappy adults.

Permissive

The exact opposite of authoritarian, permissive parents indulge their children’s whims and avoid all confrontation and punishment. These types of parents are primarily interested in forming a strong bond with their children, wanting to be seen as their children’s friends as well as their parent.
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Volpitta explains that, “Permissive parents establish few demands. …They rarely discipline their children because they have low expectations for mature behavior. They are lenient and establish few boundaries or expectations, but rather, indulge their children’s desires without regard to resulting behavior.”

Pros:

The best aspect of permissive parenting is that the bond between parent and child is paramount. Many parents who fall into the permissive category grew up in households where they felt estranged for their parents, and they don’t wish to repeat the same mistakes.

Cons:

Permissive parenting cons far outweigh the benefits according to Volpitta: “Permissive parenting often results in children who rank low in happiness and the ability to regulate their behavior. They are more likely to have problems with authority and tend to have difficulty in school.”
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This lack of discipline can have major repercussions. Take Ethan Couch, the Fort Worth, Texas, teen whose 2013 drunk driving accident took four lives. The judge issued the controversial “affluenza,” verdict saying his undisciplined upbringing led him unable to be held fully responsible for his actions.
Some parenting experts think Couch’s case offers an extreme example of the results of permissive parenting.

Authoritative

Not be confused with authoritarian, authoritative parents enforce structure and discipline without neglecting healthy communication. Encouraging children to express their own views and feelings works in tandem with setting rules and boundaries.
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According to Holly Klaassen, parenting consultant and founder and editor of The Fussy Baby Site, “Authoritative parenting style means parents have expectations of their kids but help them to meet those expectations. For instance, they may have firm rules about getting homework done on time but are willing to help and support their child with getting it done.”

Pros:

Klaassen says that research supports the authoritative style as the best parenting model on this list, working especially well for strong-willed children: “Difficult babies who are parented with warmth and flexibility outperform their more easygoing peers by grade one.”
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“Children with parents who have authoritative parenting styles show the greatest happiness and success,” Volpitta adds. “They tend to be more capable and confident and are able to regulate their behavior. They tend to be the most resilient.”
Volpitta also states that, while authoritative parents have big expectations for their kids, “They teach and guide their children in how to meet those demands.”

Cons:

The main difficulty in authoritative parenting is the parental workload—while it yields the best results, it puts more pressure on parents to enforce a variety of rules that must be modified over time depending on their child’s strengths and weaknesses.
In other words, it may require a periodic rewriting of the rules, which can be stressful for both parent and child to keep straight.

Uninvolved

It’s sad to say, but uninvolved is an actual recognized form of parenting by psychologists. And it’s all cons according to Volpitta, as these types of parents “generally lack any emotional involvement in their children’s lives. They place few demands on their children. They typically meet their children’s basic physical needs, but beyond that, they are not a part of their lives.”
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Obviously this is a type of parenting no one would (hopefully) want to be associated with, but if you feel you fit into this category, we recommend seeking professional family counseling; otherwise, you risk your children growing up with no self-control or self-esteem.

Why do we fall into certain styles?

So what determines what type of parent we become? Volpitta says, “Some people mimic their own parent’s style, some rebel against it (someone raised with an authoritarian parent might become a permissive parent because they disagree with the way they were raised), and some may seek out their own style (learn how to have an authoritative style).”

We can also be triggered by our children when they behave in certain ways. That’s always an opportunity for us to learn and grow with our children.

She adds that, “I also think that culture has some influence. I think our generation tends to have a more permissive parenting.”
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Psychologist and parenting expert Jodie Benveniste says that, “The touchstone for our own parenting is the way we were raised. We either don’t want to repeat the same pattern, or we want to emulate our own upbringing. But we’re not always consciously aware of this pattern.”
The most important way to identify (and perhaps change) one’s style of parenting, according to Benveniste, is simply by observing their child’s behavior to see the results: “We can also be triggered by our children when they behave in certain ways. That’s always an opportunity for us to learn and grow with our children.”
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It’s always good to reflect on our parenting skills. By identifying our particular style and tweaking and adjusting as necessary, we can do right by our children, while also keeping our sanity by going with what works and tossing out what doesn’t. The end result of a happy and well-adjusted child makes all our intentions, actions, and sacrifices worth the effort.

Categories
Wellbeing

The Pink Tax: Why Women Pay More Than Men For Similar Products

Being a woman is pricey. Besides all the products that only women are told they need (think bras, jewelry, and cosmetics), it turns out they have the odds stacked against them when it comes to saving money on any product.
The truth is, products that are targeted towards women are often more expensive than products for men…even when the products are nearly identical. Women are charged more for the same stuff.
If you think this is a bunch of sexist bologna, you’re not alone. Read on to find out why the price gouging occurs, the ways sellers target women, the products women will pay the most for…and how they can save money in spite of this.

The Pink Tax

Frustrated by higher prices, ladies? Well, you can thank a little something called the “Pink Tax.” According to USA Today, the Pink Tax refers to the price markup for merchandise that is primarily made for women. Odds are that products geared toward women, as opposed to those that are gender-neutral or “made for men,” will be more expensive.
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In 2015, the New York Department of Consumer Affairs conducted an analysis of 794 products across five industries. They found that, on average, “women’s products cost 7 percent more than similar products for men.”
The study even lays out an almost-laughable Pink Tax through the ages. As children, girls’ toys are 7 percent more expensive than boys’. Their clothes, meanwhile, cost 4 percent more, and when they grow up, that number rises to 8. They’ll also pay 13 percent more than men for personal care items, and when they reach their wonder years, “women pay 8 percent more for senior/home health care products.”
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In some cases, companies actually do have to spend more money to develop specialized products for women. But other times, they’re just being greedy, and the female consumer is conditioned to overlook it, says Melissa Archpru Akaka, an assistant professor of marketing at the University of Denver.
“The cost of production might be similar to men’s products, such as razors, but because women are used to paying more for their specialized products, they may be less price sensitive and more willing to pay higher prices,” she explains. “In this case, companies are positioning these products as specialized products for women to increase profit margins.”

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On Jet.com (as of January 2018), a small Lady Speed Stick runs for .83/oz while Speed Stick’s smallest men’s deodorant runs for .39/oz. (image via Nicolish)

Srdan Zdravkovic, an associate professor of marketing at Bryant University, agrees that manufacturers do hike up the costs of their products simply because they can. But he also believes that women can do something about it.
“The difference in prices charged is probably driven by the fact that the female consumer is willing and able to spend more on the equivalent products,” he says. “In other words, the price of any product or service is somewhere between the cost of the product … and the maximum price consumers are willing the spend on the product … . If the female consumer segment refused to pay higher prices for these goods … the price [of the goods] would drop.”

Buyer Beware: Sneaky Tactics Marketing Companies Use

Marketing companies spend big bucks to grab the consumer’s attention. Often, this is done through specific techniques that are designed to attract one gender’s eye as opposed to the other.
The next time you take a trip to your local superstore, look down the aisles that sell hygiene products. Chances are you can tell if you’re looking at the men’s aisle or the women’s just by looking at the colors of the products. Soft tones for women, bold tones for men. Pinks and purples for women, blues and blacks for men.
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But a lot more goes into marketing merchandise than just a color scheme. “To assume that women are targeted only by using female-friendly colors would ignore the number of other effective strategies marketers are using to appeal to this important consumer segment,” says Zdravkovic.
“Product and service providers target women with a number of things,” he continues. “Some include the quality of the good … , relevant offerings, appropriate packaging that appeals to women, partnership with female-friendly endorsers, convenient access to the product, and association with female-friendly causes.”

Women, says Zdravkovic, usually respond to socially responsible and environmentally-friendly marketing messages better than men. Marketing companies use this knowledge to their advantage and often feature packaging and causes that appeal to women in this way.
“… using pinks and purples [to attract the female consumer] could be perceived as sexist today,” says Zdravkovic. “In addition to responding emotionally to colors, women’s emotions can be influenced by symbols associated with the product. Shape of packaging has to be functional … [, and the] package has to be easy to store. Attractive shapes and symbols help extend the time women—or men—pay attention to our products in the store.”
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Marketers don’t merely target women, either, but specific groups of women. And depending on the target group—professional women, moms, athletic women—the message may change.

Products That Get the Upcharge

As mentioned before, the New York DCA study showed that women see higher prices for products throughout their lives. Want specifics?
Let’s start with childhood: Toys, bookbags, bikes, scooters, and even helmets marketed to girls cost more than the same types of products that target boys.
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In adulthood, women’s dress pants cost six percent more than men’s do; their dress shirts cost 13 percent more; their regular shirts, 15 percent more; their jeans, 10 percent; their socks, 3 percent; their underwear, a whopping 25 percent.

Some call this [the] ‘shrink it and pink it’ strategy—make it smaller for women but charge premium price for it.

Finally, adult diapers cost women two percent more than they cost men.
For good measure, here are a few other products the study found women pay more for:

  • Shampoo and conditioner
  • Razors
  • Lotion
  • Deodorant
  • Body wash
  • Clothing
  • Canes
  • Sports equipment

How do companies decide what they are going to charge more for? The answer depends on many different variables.
“Perhaps women are looking for outcomes that are very different from men—[like a] wrinkle-free, smooth face—and ingredients in … products that achieve that outcome are more expensive than ingredients in men’s products that only call for increased moisture of the face,” says Zdravkovic. “Higher cost of goods sold lead to higher prices if we want to achieve similar profit margins for men’s and women’s products.”

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The Feminine Files/Pinterest

“On the other hand,” he continues, “many of the female products are actually smaller and use less material than equivalent male products, so the cost of goods sold is actually less for female products, but they end up being charged more. Some call this [the] ‘shrink it and pink it’ strategy—make it smaller for women but charge premium price for it.”

Why are women charged more when they make less?

And just when you thought women had it bad, this little bit of information makes it worse: The gender pay gap is a very real thing.
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On average, a woman brings in 79 cents for every dollar a man makes. Add the Pink Tax, and that’s quite a constraint: Not only is there a gap in wages between genders, there’s a gap between wage and prices for women.
Why would companies kick women when they’re already down by hiking up their prices?
“… I don’t think there is one blanket reason this occurs,” says Akaka. “I’m also not sure that companies are conscientiously pricing their products with the wage gap in mind. Companies are continually trying to find ways to increase profitability and sometimes are not focused on the social issues related to their practices.”
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Akaka believes that by bringing attention to the Pink Tax, women can draw eyes to the wage gap, as well.
“This situation is a symptom of a more systemic problem,” says Akaka. “It seems the underlying issue for those concerned with the ‘Pink Tax’ continues to be tied to valuation of women’s work in the workforce. Companies will probably continue to price based on profit margins and what they believe target markets will pay for particular products. This occurs with products that cross genders, as well; however, increasing awareness about the ‘Pink Tax’ draws attention to the wage discrepancy between men and women, which is the crux of the issue and should definitely receive more attention.”

How to Save Money

It would be unfair for a woman to pay more for her products simply because she has no choice. But the sad truth is that this situation happens all the time.
The easiest way to avoid this unfair upcharge is to purchase the male versions of the products, says Akaka. But she also encourages women to take a stand, particularly when they feel the weight of the gender wage gap.
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“If women feel strongly about the discrepancy between costs and wages, they can voice their concerns in more public areas and collaborate with other women to initiate change,” Akaka says.
You may not feel like you have much power when it comes to the Pink Tax, but you do. Companies hear you when their bottom line takes a hit. So go ahead and buy the blue razor, grab the body wash that has a manly scent, and throw caution to the wind when it comes to buying lotion in a bottle that isn’t covered in flowers. Tell your friends about it; while you’re at it, tell the world about it. Not only will the products cost less and likely work just as well as what you’re used to, but you’ll possibly start the change that ends the Pink Tax for good.