Tag: mind

Most of us have negative reactions to certain sounds, the most famous of which is probably chalk or fingernails on a blackboard. (Interestingly, as chalk and blackboards go the way of the floppy disk, many people are just as bothered by the sound of dry erase markers squeaking on whiteboards.) But there’s a big difference between feeling annoyed by specific sounds and wanting to kill the person making them. If you fit into the latter category, you may have a condition called misophonia, literally the hatred of specific sounds.
Misophonia (sometimes called selective sound sensitivity syndrome) has been around for as long as humans have had ears. But it wasn’t until 2002, when neurologists Pawel and Margaret Jastreboff coined the term, that the scientific community recognized and named this condition.
Arjan Schröder and his colleagues at the University of Amsterdam did an exhaustive study of misophonia and found that the most common trigger sounds fall into several categories: eating-related sounds (chewing, lip smacking, gum popping, soup slurping, ice crunching), breathing-related sounds (sniffing, snoring), and repeated sounds (fingers on a keyboard, foot tapping, pen clicking, candy unwrapping).
Misophonia typically starts in the tween years and may affect as much as 20 percent of the population. Early on, reactions to the offending sounds typically start with irritation or disgust, but as the patient gets older, these can quickly morph into anger and physical or emotional aggression (which, unfortunately, some people act on). What also grows with age is the list of trigger sounds.
Almost all misophonia sufferers describe feeling out of control and recognize that their reactions to the trigger sounds are excessive. Interestingly, in most cases people with misophonia experience these reactions only when the sounds are made by other people, not when they’re the ones making them.
Unfortunately, there’s no surefire cure for misophonia. But many misophonics have discovered workarounds, such as avoiding situations where they’re likely to encounter offending sounds. For example, someone who can’t stand the sound of popcorn chomping would probably do well to stay out of movie theaters. Others use earplugs or devices that produce color noise (what we call “white noise” is just sound at a particular frequency that can block out other sounds–some misophonics need a different “color”).
But what do you do when you can’t stand the sound of your wife’s breathing or your child’s sniffling? As you can imagine, misophonia can result in strained relationships and even divorce.
Medical professionals and scientists have had some success with other approaches, including desensitization therapy (gradual exposure to the trigger sound), hypnosis, and cognitive behavioral therapy.
Although misophonia may sound rather dismal, there may be a silver lining: Researchers at Northwestern University in Illinois did a study with 100 subjects and found that creativity and intelligence are strongly correlated with the inability to filter out unwanted or irrelevant sounds (what they called “leaky sensory gating”). They point to a number of highly creative people—including Franz Kafka, Charles Darwin, Anton Chekhov, and Marcel Proust—all of whom complained bitterly about noise. According to the study’s lead author, Darya Zabelina, “Creative people with ‘leaky’ sensory gating may have a propensity to deploy attention over a wider focus or a larger range of stimuli.”

Over the course of your life, you learned how to be you. You did this by taking in both verbal and nonverbal information from your environment and the people around you. If you were lucky you were told that you’re pretty, smart, popular, or funny. If you were surrounded by critical, judgmental people you might have heard that you’re lazy, unattractive, weird, or a nuisance. When you’re young you don’t really question these external perceptions, in part because they come from people you trust and also because when you hear something often enough you really do believe it.

You also learned from role models about the world and how to exist in it  You took in lessons about relating, love, marriage, friendship, and how to be a citizen in your community. Role modeling is a powerful influence and deeply informs how you believe the world works. If you witnessed sacrifice as part of how people love each other, you’ll feel that being in a loving relationship means giving up parts of yourself. If you saw your role models cut friends off after a misunderstanding, you may have some of the same tendencies. You learned that this is how things are done. This digested and internalized information shapes your belief systems and how you experience the world now as an adult.

Although some of these beliefs and self-perceptions are challenged and shift throughout life, we all continue to exist under the some of the spells from our childhood messaging. They are spells because they have been cast on you without your awareness, and when there is no awareness there is no opportunity for breaking them. These spells are dangerous because they pull you in directions that aren’t in your best interest and drive your choices in ways that may not serve your greater good. Uncovering your spells is like breaking free of brainwashing. You’ve been conditioned (intentionally or unintentionally) to believe things without any real evidence that they are true.

Breaking a spell takes courage and strength. Beliefs are strong and sturdy; similar to habits, they have to be broken many times before they actually fall away. Unlike the spells you’ve watched or read about in fairy tales, you don’t have to depend on someone else to come along and rescue you. The spells you are under are not curses, they are a natural byproduct of your developmental process. Breaking your spells will awaken you to the reality of who you are, how you need to live, and how to relate to the world around you.

While there are many spells that can be cast, there are three that haunt almost everyone.

The spell of perfectionism

“I need to be perfect to find love.”

The need to be perfect has its source in upbringing and in modern culture. It often stems from a strong need to please others and to find approval from the external world. Many of us are under a spell that tricks us into believing that if we aren’t perfect we’re bad. Realizing that there is no such thing as “perfect” and that so much beauty is found in imperfection will help you begin to break this spell.

The spell of unworthiness

“My worth is a reflection of my success.”

This spell teaches us that self-worth comes from what we accomplish and how successful we are. The truth is that real self-worth comes from knowing that you belong and that you matter. When we feel important to other people because of who we are instead of what we offer we can know the real feeling of self-worth. Begin breaking this spell by getting connected to your value as a human being, and be sure that this value is acknowledged by the people you spend time with.

The spell of self-doubt

“I’m not sure if I’m capable of living my dream.”

The spell of self-doubt is one of the most debilitating and painful because it blocks you from going after the life you deserve. The spell of “not good enough” can be passed down through generations of self-doubters, or it can be cast by people who are threatened by your power and success. Overcoming the spell of self-doubt will require you to become very familiar with your own capabilities while also seeking out positive role models who have pushed through these negative self-perceptions to find the life they deserve.

We can all recite the top things that cause us stress, yes? Money, jobs, and relationships are always on our mind. Inevitably these are some of the most popular things we point to as causes of chronic stress. What about the effects? If you were to ask around, most people would say that stress–worrying about these things–makes you sick. It clogs our arteries, hurts our immune system, and causes all kinds of illness, right? Well, actually, not exactly. Some very exciting research is pointing toward the fact that it isn’t stress that causes all these things. It is, in reality, what we believe about stress that does.

This is a subtle yet powerful difference in understanding the effects of stress. Let’s say you are worried about whether your relationship is going to last. If you believe that worrying will be harmful to your health, then it will be. But if you believe that concern about your relationship will give you the courage to deal with it, the effects on your body will be very different. They will be beneficial rather than harmful.

The degree to which our beliefs and temperament can influence our physical condition was first dramatically demonstrated by the Nun Study, which looked at the impact of positive emotions and attitude on longevity and well-being. Researchers chose to study hundreds of sisters because they live together, have regularized diets, no children, and typically do not smoke or drink to excess–perfect subjects for a study. The investigation looked at the degree to which a positive or negative approach to life would affect lifelong physical health. The dramatic results show that attitude can profoundly influence not only the quality but also the length of our life.

The scientists analyzed autobiographies the sisters had written seeking entry into the convent as young women from the 1930s and 1940s. They looked at sentences for positive, negative, and neutral words and a variety of positive emotional expressions. The analysis took place nearly 60 years later when the nuns were between 75 and 94 years old. What the researchers found about how positive feelings affect longevity was nothing short of amazing. At age 85, 90 percent of the most cheerful quartile were still alive, while only 34 percent of the bottom quarter survived. At age 94 the numbers were even more striking, with 54 percent of the top quartile still alive–compared to 11 percent of their less optimistic counterparts. The probability of survival was consistently in favor of the more positive nuns. The investigation shows there is a direct relationship between positive beliefs and longevity. So, it seems that having a positive attitude can affect our health–but what about our attitude toward stress itself? How does that affect us?

It is what we think is happening to us that determines our reaction. This perspective is a game-changer. In one study involving 30,000 people, researchers asked a simple question: “Do you believe stress is harmful to your health?” In this study, the highest rates of mortality were for those who’ve experienced a high degree of stress and believed it was harmful to their health.

In this eight-year study, those with the lowest risk of dying had the same high rates of stress as their counterparts, but didn’t believe stress was bad for you. To put this in perspective, this would put the belief that stress is bad for you among the top 15 causes of death in the U.S., killing more people than HIV/AIDS, skin cancer, and homicide. As it turns out, modifying our thoughts and beliefs about how stress affects our health may be one of the healthiest things we can do.

Kelly McGonigal (How To Make Stress Your Friend) is a health psychologist from Stanford University who has been studying the effects of stress on the body and performance. She has been finding that if we perceive stress as having a negative impact on our well-being and performance, then it does. However, if we interpret the signs of stress–like a faster beating heart and accelerated respiration–as signs of readiness to meet the challenge, it may actually be very beneficial to our body and performance.

In fact, research out of Harvard demonstrated that when participants in a stress-induced situation were told to experience these physiological reactions as positive responses (being helpful for preparation), their heart and breathing rates were similar, yet their blood vessels did not constrict as they do when we think stress is bad. The actual biological measures of the heart pounding and quicker respiration with more relaxed blood vessels are physiologically similar to what our body experiences in times of joy and courage.

It turns out that what we believe about stress matters greatly. Perhaps the most powerful intervention you can do for yourself is to think about the signs of stress as helpful indicators of getting your body ready for the challenge. This can transform how our bodies interpret stress and help us meet the challenges in our life.

You know the drill. You see your neighbor at the grocery store. Inevitably she asks how you’re doing. Your response? Probably something along the lines of, “I’m fine, thanks. How are you?” She likely says the same thing in return. You may engage in a bit more small talk, then go on your way.

This kind of conversation happens so often that we may not even give it a second thought. Perhaps you really are doing okay, but what about those times when you’re not? What if you’re feeling down, or tired, or conflicted, or even depressed? What if you’re really struggling?

Saying you’re “fine” is a neutral description that’s neither positive or negative. And since we’re multi-dimensional individuals who experience a spectrum of human emotions, the truth is that you are probably not just “fine.” But society has seemed to condition so many of us to fake that we’re okay (even if we’re not), to endure hardship and not complain about it. This can take its toll, however, and I would encourage you to stop pretending and instead tell the truth about what you’re actually feeling. Here are some ideas to consider about why you should stop saying, “I’m fine.”

First off, assess your relationship with the other person. If he or she is a stranger or someone you only know as an acquaintance, it may not be appropriate to share your heart (at least not all of it). But if it’s someone you trust and know well, don’t be afraid to open up and express what’s really going on. Also, be mindful of your environment. Heavy conversations may not belong in a public space where others can hear, but are better suited for the privacy of a home or apartment.

Another aspect of moving beyond the rote saying “I’m fine” is to actually know what you’re feeling! It’s simple, really: You can’t properly tell someone else your emotions if you yourself don’t know what they are. I encourage you to regularly assess how you feel (I’m a therapist, and even I have to do this).

If you need help getting started, try to identify which of the following six basic emotions describe you in the present moment: happy, sad, mad, scared, surprised, disgusted. Once you’ve figured out which of these emotion(s) you’re experiencing, try to accept yourself without judgment. Too often, we shame ourselves for our feelings, but it’s okay to feel a certain way. Give yourself permission to embrace your inner truth.

One of the main barriers to sharing our true feelings with someone else is that we’re afraid to open ourselves up that much. Speaking your heart requires you to be brave and vulnerable, as there is risk involved. It requires you to be authentic and let down your walls. Being sincere and authentic is something we can practice and get better at over time. If you struggle with opening up with others, I challenge you to take a chance. Start small and let someone close to you know what’s really going on with you. You don’t have to overshare, but saying something like, “It’s been a rough week, and I’m having a hard time,” is honest, authentic, and shows that you are an imperfect human being just like the rest of us.

In addition to being truthful, another huge potential payoff of sharing your feelings is that it can lead to improved relationship connections. You can become emotionally closer to someone or may even gain help or support if you need it. So please be brave. Try deviating from the cliché phrase “I’m fine,” and express how you really feel.

It’s no secret that guilt plays havoc with our health. People who feel guilty for extended periods of time are, on average, more depressed, more anxious, more stressed, and have a weaker immune system than those who go through life without the guilt. They’re also more likely to engage in risky, destructive behavior, including self-medicating with drugs and/or alcohol. One of the most powerful producers of guilty feelings is the perception of having disappointed someone. And close to the top of the list of people we might have disappointed are our parents.
Given all that, it would be natural to assume that being a parent’s favorite would produce all sorts of wonderful benefits. But you’d be wrong. In fact, according to a new study, being mom’s favorite may be just as hard on your psychological well-being as being the one who never manages to live up to her expectations or the one who had the most argumentative relationship with her. “There is a cost for those who perceive they are the closest emotionally to their mothers,” wrote Jill Suitor, one of the coauthors of the study and a professor of sociology at Purdue University, “and these children report higher depressive symptoms, as do those who experience the greatest conflict with their mothers or who believe they are the children in whom their mothers are the most disappointed.”
Sound a little counterintuitive, I know, but here’s how it works. There are actually a number of things going on at the same time.
First, there’s the fact that although most mothers would never admit it, they actually do have a favorite child–and kids are quite adept at figuring out where they stand in mom’s eyes relative to their siblings. Favored children often get hassled, teased, made fun of, and excluded by their less-loved siblings. Being on the receiving end of that kind of treatment is depressing. Worse yet, “siblings continued to compare themselves to each other well into middle age,” according to Suitor and her team. And those feelings of depression and unhappiness continue just as long.
Second, there’s the pressure a favorite child feels to take care of Mom as she ages. Because of that pressure and the associated stress, being a caregiver to an aging parent is a known predictor of a variety of negative health effects, including anxiety, depression, premature aging, exhaustion, and an increased mortality rate from all causes.
Interestingly, this study, which was published in the Journal of Gerontology: Social Sciences, found that the effects of being the favorite (or least favored) child were the same, regardless of whether the child was male or female. And in an effort to correct a clear case of gender bias, the same research team is investigating the effects on children of being favored by (or being a disappointment to) Dad.

When you wake up on January 1 you’ll be starting your new year. You have a few choices about how to launch into 2016. You can roll out of bed and treat it like any other day. You can also sleep late, nurse your hangover, and face the day like you would the last day of a vacation. A third option, and one that can coincide with either of the previous choices, would be to awaken to 2016 in a way that honors the profound shift in time and space that it offers.

While awakening is just another word for waking up, I’m using it differently here. We wake up daily because this is part of our physical wiring. The process of waking up each morning is actually a very systematic yet complicated process that your body does without your awareness. Like riding a bike, you implicitly remember how to wake up without thinking. Awakening, on the other hand, is a fully conscious process that requires intention and effort. When you become awakened you become aware of something, and very often it’s something you didn’t know before.

January 1 brings a perfect opportunity to experience a moment of awakening. Many of us live our lives on autopilot, never really immersing ourselves in the moment-to-moment actions we take. This isn’t easy when schedules get rushed, work becomes busy, and we have a million things to fit into the day. It’s rare to have moments of awe or awareness because to do so we would have to be fully present, focused on what is being uncovered. Without paying attention and without true intention, it’s almost impossible to become awakened, which is why it doesn’t happen very often.

On the first day of the year, you can set a precedent for yourself by starting off 2016 with a moment of awakening. Perhaps it will be a daily, weekly, or monthly habit, but at the very least you can do it as part of the new year with the intention of having a different and new experience. This doesn’t have to be a complicated process or an elaborate effort. All you need to do is decide you want to try this and then follow these four easy steps. You can obviously do this any day of the year, but January 1 is special and important, making the idea of this more probable.

Prepare

Begin by setting aside a few minutes between now and January 1. Use that time to pick one thing you want to use for your awakening on the first day of the year. It could be a poem, a gratitude statement, a prayer, an intention, a song, or moment of silence. Decide in advance what you’ll be using as part of your awakening so when the time comes you’re ready to go.

Find Space

Wherever you are, find a space that is quiet and private. You don’t have to be sitting. Walking outside works, or you can even dance. If space is limited this can be done silently while lying in bed or even in the shower. We can always find a moment even in the midst of chaos. If you have the opportunity to increase the feeling of your space with scent, light, or any other grounding element that would be a welcomed perk.

Awaken

Take a few minutes to do what you planned with the intention of being present and open to whatever you feel, think, or uncover. The Buddha’s awakening came while he was quietly sitting under a tree. Each person has their own experience, but what’s essential is the intention of discovery and an openness to learning something new. The sole purpose of this exercise is to cross over into the new year with purpose.

The new year can be considered a rite of passage. As you transition from 2015 to 2016, you’ll be marking the process with a practice that takes you from one place in time into the next. This isn’t just a new year, it’s a step into a new world and very often a new you. Make 2016 the year that you did it differently and in a way that changes you for the better.

In the world of psychology, mental health and relationship boundaries are a hot topic today. We often hear about how we need to set physical and emotional boundaries to preserve our relationships and our peace of mind. It could be with an overbearing mother-in-law, a houseguest who has overstayed his welcome, or anyone else in your life who is sapping your energy or leaving you feeling disrespected, ignored, or underappreciated.

Considering how broad the topic of boundaries is, it may be difficult to know how exactly to figure out what our boundaries are. In our interactions with others, what will we permit for ourselves, and when will we draw the line? Though situations may differ, there are a few key indicators to look for when setting boundaries:

The first thing to do is to tune in to your emotions (I’ve suggested to my clients that they consider emotions as energy in motion or cues to our internal experiences). Be honest with yourself about how you feel when you’re with certain people. Do you feel energized, motivated, and loved, or do you find yourself feeling avoidant, indifferent, or overly inconvenienced by individuals that you spend time with? If the latter sounds true to you, don’t ignore those pesky, nagging feelings, but instead use them as a signal to help you set boundaries.

I’ve often touted the benefits of what I call the gift of resentment. As much as I try to be forgiving, when I find myself harboring a grudge against someone or something, I consider the resentment I feel to be an amazing gift that lets me know I need to make a change. For example, a few years after I got started as a therapist, I began to resent my private practice. This led to me taking a good, hard look at some of my business policies, and I ended up making some significant changes that have benefitted my clients and my professional life.

Another source to look for in help setting boundaries is to become aware of what your body is telling you. What physical signs or symptoms do you experience that indicate you’re not emotionally comfortable or happy? Are you often exhausted, stressed, or perhaps even in pain? Do you get headaches when dealing with a particular person or problem? Our bodies are very good at sensing (literally!) when something is not right. Pay attention to what yours may be trying to tell you. If you’re often tired or physically not at ease you may need to set a (stronger) boundary or reinforce an existing one.

I know a young woman who was happy to assist a friend in her church group who often needed rides and help with other errands. Eventually, however, the favors started getting so cumbersome that she sometimes missed sleep or work hours to accommodate her friend. This young woman was exhausted and feeling resentful. She realized she needed to step back and set boundaries so that she didn’t deplete her emotional energy or become completely burned out.

Another important step in determining your boundaries is to examine your values and what you want for your life. What are your personal goals? How are the people in your life helping or hindering your goals? Asking this will help you determine what matters most to you, what things are a priority, and what things are not. As far as boundaries go, this may mean limiting the amount of time you spend with individuals who are downers or bring unnecessary criticism and cynicism to your life.

Finally, when we think of boundaries in relationships we often think of boundaries with others, but it’s also important to look at boundaries with yourself. If you struggle with negative self-talk and often belittle yourself, perhaps you have a goal to engender positive thoughts and energy. If you really want to go on a trip next year, work on setting boundaries related to your spending habits. If you’re a student and you want to get better grades, set boundaries around how much social time and study time you want each week.

Tuning into your emotional and physical signals and figuring out what you want and value in life can help you set appropriate and tailored boundaries, find fulfillment and peace in your relationships, and be wise about how you spend your time and energy.

Compliments can be a great way to express your admiration and appreciation for others. They can feel really good to give or receive, but other times they can feel slightly awkward to give or receive. How can you show someone you’re sincere? And how can you express the depth of your gratitude without minimizing your sentiments or without overwhelming the other person? Giving praise that is truly meaningful must go beyond the generic. Here are some ideas to praise what really matters and to deepen your connection with a loved one.

When it comes to complimenting others, I challenge you to look beyond the exterior.

There’s nothing wrong with telling your cousin you love her new haircut or complimenting your friend’s new car. However, I’ve found in my own life and those of many of my clients that the praise that sticks (in a good way) focuses on character traits and personal things. It’s easy to see the big accomplishments–like starting a business, finishing a college degree, or getting married–but it’s important to also look for things that aren’t as obvious, or the intangibles. This is only possible through a more intimate connection with someone and may also take a little more work to articulate, but ultimately these kinds of compliments can be incredibly powerful. Maybe your friend is a really good listener or your co-worker handled stress with grace. Don’t be afraid to bring attention to the internal things about someone that impress and inspire you.

Another idea for giving meaningful praise is to focus on effort.

This may go against what we commonly think. Some may be conditioned to believe that complimenting effort (versus accomplishment) is pity praise. It doesn’t have to be that way, though. Remember that effort is the one thing we can always control. We can’t always control the outcome, but we can choose how much we devote to achieving something. So by praising wholehearted effort (particularly with children), we are praising someone’s choices (and I can’t think of a better compliment than that!) This may be even more important than complimenting an individual’s qualities. For example, saying, “you’re so smart” may not be as effective as saying, “you really pushed and gave it your all in that project.” If noticing effort builds a child’s self-esteem, think what it could do for adults (since we’re really all just a bunch of big babies!)

Sometimes we think we need a big reason to celebrate someone in order to offer a sincere compliment. An award, a career accomplishment, or the purchase of a new home are all very visible achievements, but the reality is that the little things are what make up most of what we all do every day. Someone’s efforts or circumstances don’t have to be grandiose to draw attention to them. Just the small, everyday things can be valued. For example, telling a mother that she handled a grocery store toddler tantrum well could be very meaningful and appreciated by her.

By focusing on the simple, seemingly mundane things our compliments can go beyond flattery and actually be very touching to others.

I challenge you to find ways to express your love and admiration for your friends and family by giving sincere compliments on their small efforts and internal qualities. As human beings we have a core need to have our hearts and minds seen and validated. You can fulfill this need for another person by taking the time to recognize and express the positive qualities and efforts of someone you love.

There seems to be no end to the things guys will do to prove their masculinity—especially around someone whose attention we’d like to attract. If you’ve ever read Mark Twain’s classic book Tom Sawyer, you probably remember how Tom tries to win the heart of Becky Thatcher by doing all sorts of crazy (and dangerous) things, such as “Goin’ on like an Indian, yelling, laughing, chasing boys, jumping over the fence at the risk of life and limb, throwing handsprings, standing on his head.” And if you’re a male of nearly any age, chances are that you’ve done something similar. In fact, according to several new studies, men will lie, cheat, fight, commit crimes, and even overeat to show off how tough we are or to keep from being perceived as weak.

Eat your heart out.

There’s a strong connection between diet and mating. In many Western cultures where female slenderness is highly valued, women go on all sorts of diets, in part to show prospective mates that they’re healthy. Men, it turns out, do the exact opposite.
Over the course of two weeks, researchers at Cornell University surreptitiously observed more than 100 men and women at an all-you-can-eat buffet and charted how much pizza and how many bowls of salad each person ate. Then they correlated all of that with the sex of everyone each person dined with.
Women ate the same quantities regardless of whether they were with men or other women. Men whose dinner companions were women ate 92 percent more pizza and 86 percent more salad than those who were out with the boys.
Kevin Kniffin, the study’s lead author, speculated in an email to writer Julie Beck of The Atlantic that this kind of overeating might be men’s way of signaling that they’re “healthy enough that they can engage in unhealthful behavior of excessive eating (and still end up okay).” He likened it to other research that “explores the possibility that eating spicy food might be a way that people ‘show off’ since it (arguably) signals a higher tolerance for something that others would consider painful.” Kniffin’s study was published in the journal Evolutionary Psychological Science.

Get a grip.

Sapna Cheryan, associate professor of psychology at the University of Washington, wanted to see how men would respond in situations where their masculinity was threatened in relatively minor ways.
Cheryan and her team had a number of male university students squeeze a device that ostensibly measured grip strength. The researchers then randomly rated the subjects as either “weak” or “average” regardless of their actual strength. The subjects then filled out a questionnaire that asked a number of personal questions, including their preference for products that were traditionally masculine or feminine, their interest in athletics, their height, and the number of previous relationships.
Cheryan and her team found that male college students who were told that they had a weak grip lied about their height (adding an average of three-quarters of an inch), claimed to have had more sexual partners, described themselves as more athletic, and “showed less interest in stereotypically feminine consumer products.”
Men who were rated as “average,” however, told the truth. The researchers believe that their findings “underscore the pressure men feel to live up to gender stereotypes” and the things we’ll do to “reinstate a threatened masculinity.” This study was published in the journal Social Psychology.

What does it mean to be manly?

In the grand scheme of things, overeating or lying about your height is pretty harmless. But some men go to far more dangerous lengths to establish their masculinity.
Dr. Dennis Reidy, a researcher at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, found that men who experience stress because they feel that others see them as less-than-completely masculine are far more likely to engage in risky or violent behavior than men who are less worried about what others think. Reidy is careful to note that not every man who feels less manly will commit some kind of violent act. “The key word here is ‘stress’,” he said in an interview with Reuters Health. “It’s important to understand that it’s a combination of the two things.”
If your masculinity is threatened, how far will you go to set the record straight?

There’s heaviness in the air stemming from the recent bouts of violence we’ve all been witnessing. It is essential for the healing of psyches to process the feelings that surface when our safety is threatened and lives are lost due to senseless brutality. Here are five ways to cope with what comes up.

With the recent horrific events happening on a global scale we need to be aware of the psychological toll these acts of violence can take on our individual and collective psyches. The senseless brutality we’ve been witnessing is both impossible to comprehend yet very real, creating a split in our minds. One part of our brain operates on the default assumption that everything is fine, while another part knows full well it’s not. As a result, we push it out of awareness, numb and ignore our feelings, and refuse to accept or acknowledge that our world is in chaos.

The combination of repressed feelings and the constant barrage of negative media creates a recipe for all sorts of symptoms and, ultimately, poor mental health.

Dealing with your feelings about the recent events is important not only for your own well-being but also for the healing of the world. We live in an unprecedented global community where the collective consciousness is not just a theory. Your ability to acknowledge and process your emotions has an impact on the broader circle in which you live, and your internal response to the recent horrors directly affects your external behavior, whether you’re aware of it or not.

When we walk around doing business as usual–or even worse, acting like nothing happened–we are denying our own feelings and the pain of the world. When we hide or repress what we feel, we’re eliminating the chance to model healthy emotional expression for the people in our lives, which we need to do to cope and heal.

Many of us don’t know what to do with our feelings as we are bombarded continuously by the news and reports of continued attacks happening internationally and locally. Fear, sadness, anger, guilt, and helplessness are just a few of the emotions that are stirred up by these horrific acts of violence. Finding a way to process the feelings is difficult, and the challenge is even greater when we dismiss our right to feel whatever comes up.

Here’s what you can do to cope:

Face the reality.

Denial is an effective coping mechanism to maintain a sense of balance when things become too much. Avoidance is different, however, because it stems from not wanting to face the truth of things. When you avoid the reality of the recent events happening around the world you are missing an opportunity to connect with a greater consciousness that can support you. None of us is alone in this, but it’s easy to isolate as a protection against the pain. In the end, accepting the reality is much more productive and can open the door to positive action.

Talk about it.

We often worry that we will be a downer if we talk about negative news, and we also struggle with what’s appropriate to share. You may have young children you’re protecting, or you may exist in a culture where these kinds of feelings aren’t acceptable. Finding a safe space to share your feelings is crucial even if it’s in a setting outside of your daily life. You can seek therapy, a support group, an advocacy group, or even an online forum where others are sharing similar emotions. Allow yourself the space to share what you think and feel because it’s important and valuable.

Let your heart break.

For some reason many of us feel we don’t have the right to be upset about something that isn’t directly happening to us or the people we hold close. Consider everyone in the world to be a relation to avoid separating yourself from the suffering. Although you may not always have comparable pain, you can relate on some level and imagine what it would be like if it were you. This is the very definition of compassion, something we all need more of.

Be a role model.

As human beings we are very cautious about standing out from the crowd. By nature, we want to fit in and follow the status quo. When it comes to catastrophic events like the ones we’ve been seeing, we can no longer maintain a herd mentality. By naming your pain and speaking up about your feelings, you may disturb the systems of denial that are in place, but you will also be helping our world heal.

Get active.

In her book Active Hope, Joanna Macy speaks of the importance of taking action as a healing tool. When you can get to a place where your powerlessness turns into intolerance you can find an outlet through becoming more active. This might be in your community, online, through donations, or other forms of showing up. Your efforts and voice matter even when they don’t seem to, so find a way to participate and promote change.