Tag: mind

Yes, you could describe our attachment to technology as an addiction, but the reality is that we need our computers and phones in the same way we need to read the newspaper or pay our taxes. Technology has become part of our lives whether we like it or not, and we have become dependent on it in ways we never imagined.

I read a post recently from a colleague asking about a program or camp for teens addicted to technology. Another person responded to that post with lengthy paragraphs describing how addiction to technology has become a chronic problem for kids, and she expressed a need to understand how to deal with the same issue. I couldn’t help but think how ironic it is that the very people buying the technology for these children are the ones wondering how to manage the overuse. We are all guilty of being on our phones and computers too much. The only difference between adults and youth is that older people have a better ability to multitask, which masks the effects of the overuse they’re engaging in.

Clearly we are all at a loss for how to manage the use of phones and computers, and it’s a struggle for which neither parents nor professionals have a real solution. However, I had to wonder whether the word “addiction” is applicable here, or if we are simply lacking the ability to balance technology with a dose of healthy practices to manage the problem.

A research study reported by NPR stated that on average, children spend more than four hours on a typical school day texting, watching television, and playing video games. Research also suggests that screen time can have lots of negative effects on kids, ranging from childhood obesity and irregular sleep patterns to social and/or behavioral issues. Adults are not invulnerable either, because they are now at risk for being diagnosed with Internet Use Disorder (IUD). Much more research needs to be done, but some studies have found that Internet use can affect the balance of brain chemistry. One such study found that people with IUD have demonstrable changes in their brains–both in the connections between cells and in the brain areas that control attention, executive control, and processing of emotions.

The greatest issue being raised about the overuse of technology relates to the very basic construct of emotional connection. One study that looked at sixth-graders who went five days without even glancing at a smartphone, television, or other digital screen found that these kids were substantially better at reading human emotions. Clearly we need to figure out a protocol for how to manage our use of technology. But this can’t require drastic and unrealistic changes in daily life, because we need our devices to function. At the end of the day, the most successful approach will focus on changing behavior and adding in healthy habits to counteract the negative impact that technology has on all of our lives.

Here are five easy practices that will immediately change the way you use your technology on a regular basis:

Go Tech Free

Eliminating technology at home is a worthy goal but not always realistic when there are deals to close and homework to be done. But it is possible to carve out a tech-free space in your house where all forms of technology are unwelcome. It could be the dinner table, the kitchen, or the bedroom. Not unlike taking off your shoes before entering the house, this tech-free space would be sacred and unfettered with any form of technology.

Turn It Off

It may sound simple, but powering off your phone or computer is a great way to balance use. Shutting something down signifies being finished in a concrete way. It’s a lot easier to grab a phone and check it when it’s on; the time it takes for a piece of technology to power up makes it less likely that you’ll mindlessly use it. Unplugging from technology is essential for plugging into something more valuable in the real world.

Leave It At Home

If you’re heading out to dinner, a movie, or even the market, try leaving your phone at home. Being without a phone can cause anxiety, but most of us have survived a cell-phone-free period at some point. You’ll feel a sense of liberation and freedom by taking this kind of break, and you’ll realize how present you are in the moment. This will also challenge your dependency on technology by forcing you to be more resourceful instead of turning to Google for the answer to all of your questions.

Have Technology Agreements

Nagging and sporadically telling your kids or partner to get off their phones is ineffective; agreements about the use of phones and computers can eliminate the need for nagging or reminding. In these agreements, each person is well aware of what is expected and takes personal responsibility for what they are committing to. Making the appropriate use of technology a family value will lay the foundation for long-term healthy habits.

Eliminate Types Of Use

Setting limits on what technology can be used for will naturally reduce the need. Eliminating any use of social media after a certain hour–or stopping work emails at a specific time–sets a boundary around the type of use, which in turn limits the amount of use. We all know social media can be a time suck, so limiting its use (and reconnecting with habits like letter-writing and picking up the phone to call a friend) can open up a whole new way of relating.

Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials. -Lin Yutang

When it comes to taking care of our homes, belongings, and families, who doesn’t like to be productive? Paying a stack of bills, deep cleaning a bathroom, or even simply unloading the dishwasher can bring gratification and peace; decluttering a house can help declutter a mind. But ironically, taking the idea of “getting things done” too far can do just the opposite and leave us feeling anxious, guilty, or unhappy.

Let’s challenge the concept of “productivity = good” for a moment. Instead of being proud of what you do, I invite you to consider owning and embracing what you don’t do. There’s something very healthy and relaxing about leaving things undone and not running yourself ragged trying to get to it all. Setting unrealistic expectations can, unfortunately, set you up for failure, whereas having reasonable ones makes your task-list more manageable and can save you from unnecessary guilt trips. Here are a few ways to help you master the art of leaving things undone:

Accept Your Human Limitations

Remember in Harry Potter when Hermione had the time-turner necklace to help her with her busy class schedule? It would be so wonderful to have the ability to stop time like that to get everything done, but that’s just a fantasy. As much as we’d like to be, none of us is Superwoman, and there will always be more things to do than there is energy or time. I’ve observed that some women feel like if they can’t be everything to everyone, they are failing. But the truth is that limitation is not weakness! And it’s certainly not failure. You can have goals and high expectations for yourself while still acknowledging that you have limitations.

I’m grateful for the many career opportunities I’ve had through the years to speak about mental health topics or share my musical gifts with an audience. When I was younger, I thought I had to say “yes” to every request to perform, but eventually became burnt out. I had the realization that I didn’t have to agree to every concert or speaking engagement that came my way. By accepting my own limits, I could continue to present or perform and actually enjoy doing it (instead of feeling exhausted and resentful).

Break Your Own Rules

It may not be pleasant to hear, but a lot of the stress that we women experience is self-imposed. We may feel guilty if we don’t exercise 5 days a week, fold a load of laundry right away, or purchase and wrap Christmas gifts for every extended family member. But these kinds of expectations are self-created! Our relationships, health, careers, and families are probably not in jeopardy if we do not meet them flawlessly. So why not break your own rules once in awhile?

I encourage you to give yourself permission to be imperfect: Permission to wait a week or two until you’re ready to tackle that big home project, permission to leave your bed unmade (especially if you’re running late!), permission to not immediately do whatever it is you that you beat yourself up for not doing. I’m not suggesting that you (regularly) procrastinate or that you avoid difficult things, but don’t be afraid to cut yourself some slack sometimes! After all, you’re only human, and it’s perfectly okay to ditch the rulebook sometimes.

Prioritize What’s Important

We constantly make choices as we plan and execute our day. When you allow things to go undone, it means that we are allowing ourselves the opportunity to do something else that we deem more important. I know a woman who vacuums and deep cleans her car once every two weeks. Recently, her life had gotten very hectic, and she was starting to feel a bit of stress that her vehicle had gone uncleaned. But when she began to feel that familiar sting of guilt, she reminded herself that a few other things in her life were more pressing, her car cleaning routine might have to wait a week or two, and that things would be okay. Her family, hobbies, and career took precedence over her rule. She prioritized what really mattered.

Can you think of things in your life that you could perhaps leave undone for a bit? Maybe you could temporarily defer a task or chore so you can catch up with friends, catch up on sleep, or otherwise take some time for yourself. How can you be a good steward over your time and resources to do what needs to be done and practice self-care? I challenge you to consider (occasionally) practicing the art of leaving things undone to preserve your emotional energy and create more happiness for yourself.

Dieting is rarely easy. It’s often said that if losing weight were simple, everyone who wanted to be thin would be. It’s normal to make mistakes on your diet. Sometimes you make so many mistakes that you sit down and realize you’ve completely blown your diet. If this is where you are right now, here are some dos and don’ts for picking yourself up and getting back on the right track.

Definitely Don’t

Definitely don’t berate yourself.

If you begin to figuratively beat yourself up over blowing your diet, stop right away. Look at yourself in a mirror and tell yourself, “It’s okay.” Mistakes happen all the time. Blowing your diet isn’t the end of the world or the end of your diet. It’s just a small hiccup you can overcome.

When I blew my diet before I successfully lost weight, I rarely forgave myself and never told myself it was all going to be okay. Instead, I wrung my hands, bemoaned the fact I was never going to lose weight, and sat down for another cookie.

Definitely Do

Definitely do practice positively affirming yourself.

Reaffirm yourself and your desire to lose weight. When I blew my diet during my final weight loss attempt, I wrote down what I hoped to accomplish after I lost weight and how I envisioned myself looking and feeling. Although thinking positively about yourself won’t make you drop pounds, it can keep you going after you temporarily blow your diet.

Definitely Don’t

Definitely don’t binge.

Binge eating is when you eat a large amount of food in a short time. The Mayo Clinic indicates that frequent binge eating is a disorder that should be addressed with a medical professional.

It is possible to occasionally binge eat in the absence of a disorder. That was me.

If you binge after blowing your diet, you will only make yourself feel worse than you already do. Plus, you will consume a lot of unnecessary calories that will further slow your weight loss efforts.

Definitely Do

Definitely do figure out what happened.

Assess your diet strategy and figure out why you are having trouble sticking to your plan. Perhaps you blew your diet because of one of these reasons:

• Your food choices were too restrictive.
• The diet was difficult to monitor.
• It cost too much money.
• Your family was not supportive.
• You failed to address your emotional attachment to food.
• Holidays and social events continually trip you up.
• You did not have a definite plan to lose weight in the first place.

Once you’ve narrowed down why you are struggling, spend some time fixing the problem. For example, if you don’t have a definite plan on how to lose weight, check out the ChooseMyPlate government website, MyFitnessPal, Weight Watchers, or another reputable weight loss program.

Definitely Don’t

Definitely don’t put off restarting your diet.

Don’t make the mistake I often did and put off restarting your weight loss plan. Sometimes if you put it off, you never get restarted. I know it can be discouraging to start over when you have slipped up, but it’s the only way to get to where you want to be.

Definitely Do

Definitely do hold yourself accountable.

If you’ve struggled with sticking to your diet, find a way to be accountable to someone as you restart. There are many options out there—some are free such as MyFitness Pal, TOPS, and Sparkpeople. Others cost money like Jenny Craig, personalized weight loss counseling, and Weight Watchers.

Once you settle on a way to stay accountable, commit to checking in on a regular basis. One of the best ways to stay committed to your diet is to share your successes and challenges with other people.

From social media to pop culture, race, religion, and politics, so many of the top news stories today feature an outrage, backlash, or controversy sparked by what a famous person said or did. It seems that almost everything that is expressed publicly is bound to offend someone.

As I’ve observed this phenomenon, I’ve pondered whether we as a society are too sensitive or thrive on being offended. My own views are that culturally, we actually lean more toward being insensitive, and that overall, we still can improve in being kind and empathetic to other people. Still, I acknowledge that oversensitivity exists and that it can become quite problematic for those who experience it.

Have you ever realized how easy it is to deem someone else as being overly sensitive? It’s much more productive to take a look in the mirror and self-reflect rather than pass judgment. Here are a few things to consider to determine whether or not you yourself are perhaps too easily offended, and if so, how you can manage this tendency:

First, I invite you to consider whether or not your being offended is an ongoing pattern. As human beings, we will naturally all have our feelings hurt at times. But pause to reflect on whether or not you are habitually feeling left out, resentful, hurt, or otherwise offended in your relationships. If you are frequently offended, do a little self-inquiry to explore why that might be the case. Look inward to gain insight about what might cause you to be highly sensitive.

Following up with determining whether you are often offended, dig a little deeper and ask whether or not there is more to the story. Those who have their feelings hurt easily may sometimes be recreating an old wound. Trauma and other painful events can heighten our sensitivity and vulnerability to certain situations. For example, jokes that demean or objectify women are never appropriate or funny, but may be especially painful for someone who was physically or sexually abused. Try to look at yourself holistically and understand the context and the backstory to make sense of your experience.

Another thing to ask yourself is what you can gain from remaining offended. I’ve noticed how sometimes people hold onto pain because it makes them feel justified as someone who’s been wronged. We like to be right about how we view ourselves, and so we may inadvertently perpetuate our own suffering by prolonging the offense. Then, ask yourself what you could gain by giving up the offense. I’ve worked with clients in psychotherapy who, after carrying heavy burdens for far too long, finally can let things go to find healing, forgiveness, and peace. It’s not always easy to give up a grudge, but the things you gain from doing so can make it worth it.

Finally, if you still find yourself being repeatedly offended, determine what it is that you need for closure. Sometimes we can simply talk ourselves out of our own hurt (Think: “It’s okay. She didn’t mean it.” or “This too, shall pass.”), but other times, we may need to take action. Maybe having a conversation with someone, setting a boundary, venting frustration out at the gym, or even writing feelings in a journal can help you get over whatever it is that is bothering you.

Being offended is inevitable, but staying offended for long periods of time is a choice. I encourage you to look inward, weigh the costs and benefits of holding on to your hurt (hint: it’s usually not worth it!), and then doing what you need to in order to be free of the emotional burden and find happiness again.

“We crave adulation but pretend not to notice the social isolation.”  -Gary Turk (Spoken Word Artist)

It’s no secret that social media connects us like never before. In an instant, we can snap pictures and post our whereabouts (think that selfie from your backpacking trip in Europe) and also keep tabs on what our friends are up to. I love social media. It has been an integral part of my professional life and is a great way to keep in touch with my loved ones. But it is not without its problems.

In the past few years, there has been public and medical concern about such topics as cyber-bullying and too much screen time (particularly for young people). As a psychotherapist, I’d like to address one more issue as it relates to mental health and social media: that of internet loneliness, depression, and feelings of low self-esteem.

Research has shown links between near constant posting with lower levels of life satisfaction; it seems that perhaps the more we tweet, hashtag, or share, the unhappier we are. There are numerous reasons why this could be the case: maybe some individuals turn to Facebook when they’re feeling low or in need of validation or support. Who doesn’t get an instant pick-me-up from “likes” on their photo? Maybe someone is feeling lonely, so he/ she posts a status in an attempt to reach out for connection. Also, social media is often used as an outlet for boredom or stress, which would explain the discontentment reported by the participants surveyed in the study.

Incessant browsing can be a problem, too.

Have you ever found yourself looking at the wedding photos or family blog of someone you don’t know? I know I have! While it’s true we can get creative inspiration from sites like Pinterest, spending too much time or mental energy on what other people display online can drain us and also bring feelings of inadequacy when our life doesn’t seem as put together, our body as toned, or our family as perfect as those we see through the iPhone screen. We also may feel lonely or excluded looking at pictures of other people having a good time without us.

So heavy social media usage can be an indication of loneliness, but is it a cause of it? Probably not. Still, the connection is strong enough that I think we ought to be mindful of how we use these platforms as they relate to our own mental and emotional well-being.

What You Can Do

If you find yourself feeling down when looking at other people’s blogs or profiles or feel jealous of them, make a conscious effort to stop comparing! Eleanor Roosevelt said that “comparison is the thief of joy.” Remember also that we usually put our very best self online for display. I’ve heard it said that Facebook shows the front door, or the desirable, attractive side. Everyone has messiness, everyone has problems, and what we see on social media is a skewed, incomplete version of reality. So much of it isn’t real!

Another thing to do if you find yourself online too much is to seek out face-to-face interactions. It’s easy to sit home and sulk when we’re struggling, but I challenge you to call up a friend and talk with your voice instead of your fingers. Resist the urge to mindlessly surf, go for a walk, create something artistic and new, or find another way to connect with people who care about you.

Overall, I encourage you to take an honest look at your relationship with social media. Do you use it as an escape? Does it bring you closer to people or further from them? What tweaks can you make in your daily routine to have it benefit it and not hurt you? Use your best judgment to utilize Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and other platforms wisely.

As a rule, parents don’t like the music their children listen to—and they never have. We can just imagine Mr. and Mrs. Beethoven telling little Ludwig that playing Mozart would rot his brain. “You want some real music?” they’d say. “Sit down at that piano and play Scarlatti.” Ludwig, of course, would scream at his parents and accuse them of not understanding him. Then he’d slam the door to his room, slip out a window, and meet his buddies at the Mozart concert.
Over the generations and around the world, scenes like that have played out millions of times, with parents (and many other adults) predicting that their kids’ music will destroy civilization. Nowhere is that more true than with heavy metal music, with its often angry and/or violent lyrics.
But some fascinating research has found that listening to heavy metal might actually be good for kids.
The study was conducted by researchers at the University of Queensland School of Psychology who were looking at the effects of what they called “extreme music” on listeners—a group of 39 people ages 13 to 34 who regularly listened to heavy metal.
The researchers started with a 16-minute session designed to deliberately anger the subjects by bringing up unpleasant past memories or issues having to do with money, relationships, or work. The ticked-off subjects were then randomly assigned to either spend the next 10 minutes in silence or listening to heavy metal music from their own playlist. Half of those in the music group picked tracks that included aggression or anger, while the other half went for tracks with themes of isolation and sadness.
The results were a surprise.
Rather than making angry listeners even angrier, or triggering depressive episodes, suicide, drug abuse, or violence, heavy metal “enhanced positive emotions,” according to Leah Sharman, co-author of the study. “When experiencing anger, extreme music fans liked to listen to music that could match their anger,” she said.
“The music helped them explore the full gamut of emotion they felt, but also left them feeling more active and inspired. Results showed levels of hostility, irritability and stress decreased after music was introduced, and the most significant change reported was the level of inspiration they felt.”
That said, we all know that music can—and does—affect the way we feel, bringing up emotions such as joy, sadness, love, and anger. The big question, however, has always been whether those emotions trigger certain kinds of behavior.
One study found that young people who listen to punk and reggae music were more likely than classical or pop music fans to abuse drugs. Girls who preferred rap music were more likely to smoke. Boys who listened to heavy metal were less likely to smoke, and girls were less likely to drink. However, the researchers were very careful to note that there’s no evidence that the music actually caused the behavior.
A number of other studies have confirmed Sharman’s findings: that when listeners in a particular emotional state listen to music that matches that state—whether it’s Bach, Brahms, Taylor Swift, or Kanye West—they feel better. So the next time you’re feeling angry or frustrated, download two songs by Megadeth, Iron Maiden, or Judas Priest and call us in the morning.

Think back to a first date. Remember how you wanted to look your best? You wanted to present your best self, look “put together,” sound successful and be engaging. Viewing other peoples online image is like being on a perpetual first date. On a first date people are generally a filtered version of themselves designed to make the best impression possible. The problem is that some people’s online personas never move beyond the “first date” to a more genuine and balanced self-portrayal.

I don’t know about you but I generally don’t post pictures of the dinner I burned last night or photos of myself as I roll out of bed in the morning. I don’t take videos of the disagreement I had with my hubby right before we went out to dinner! Even thought I do intentionally try to post less than ideal moments, parenting fails, and disappointments, my online presence is still slanted toward the positive. For example, I’m writing this while in my robe with my hair in a pony tail, and not a stitch of make up on and I’m not going to post a picture of me in my current state with this article.

If you struggle with envying other people’s virtual lives, the first thing to do is to remember is that cyber life doesn’t equal reality. It is a filtered version of reality. It’s always skewed toward the positive aspects, the successes, the fun activities, the times that things are going well.

When you see someone’s newly decorated kitchen or family photo with matching outfits, it’s easy to turn those feelings of envy into ‘shoulds’… I should be like her or my family should be like that. I should get family photos taken like that, or I should redecorate my kitchen. Just because someone else posts a photo online that is appealing to you doesn’t mean that you should change anything about your own life. Celebrate the positive things that your friends are experiencing and recognize that it’s only half of the story. Someone else’s successes and accomplishments mean absolutely nothing about you or your life.

One of the gifts of being a therapist for two decades is having glimpses into the darker parts of people’s lives, the stuff that is never posted on Pinterest. I have felt the painful burdens and the stinging disappointments of individuals who look like they have their lives put together on the outside. My clinical experience has helped me to know that everyone has struggles and challenges and that there is always more to the story of a person’s life than they are sharing online.

If cyber-envy is bringing you down and you’re having a hard time separating online personas from the realities of life, you may want to unplug for a few days. Go on a “digital cleanse” and take a break from Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, or reading your favorite blogs. Stepping back from social media can help you get more connected with you own life. While you get yourself centered again, try investing more time and energy in your face-to-face relationships. Focusing on your real-life and practicing gratitude can help shift your focus from what you wish you had to what you do have.

Instead of letting cyber-envy fester, consider letting it inspire you! For example, if you see some amazing photos online from a friend’s weeklong family cruise, instead of thinking, “I’m a horrible parent… Our family has never taken a cruise!” you can think instead, “That looks so fun. I think it’s time to start planning and saving to take my family on a fun trip.” Notice the things that other people are posting and consider that it be information about what you like to do or that you’d like to try. It is possible to transform cyber-envy into cyber-inspiration.

Life can seem complicated sometimes. Finding the right relationship, feeling happy, performing at work, managing to raise healthy children, caring for aging parents, and making a marriage work are just a few of the things you might be juggling individually or all at once. Sometimes you might be so busy that you forget to breathe and step back from the chaos long enough to remember where you are. Losing touch with time and place is not a natural part of life. It’s a chronic issue that has permeated our culture because we’re spending too much time on the things that deplete us and not enough on the things that sustain us.

As your list of things to do grows into a scroll-length document, you know deep in your heart that there are more important things for you to tend to that aren’t even on your list. You find yourself saying “time is flying by.” You speak about your days as being “busy” or “stressful.” You dangle from the monkey bars struggling to get to the next rung, but it’s getting harder and harder to hang on.

Shuffling through days, wondering where the time is going, and merely surviving instead of living are not healthy ways to exist. Consider this a wake-up call reminding you that your life is passing you by and that it’s time to become a participant instead of a bystander.

When life gets chaotic and busy, you stop paying attention to your own needs and slowly begin to forget what nourishes your soul. Getting connected to your core values and what’s most meaningful in your life requires a bit of excavation, but as you dig the shovel into the soil of your truth, you’ll realize what’s been buried and create the opportunity to unearth what’s gone dormant.

Many people blindly seek happiness or love in the hope of feeling better about the state of their lives, but what really brings transformation and change is the understanding of how to live your most authentic life. Authentic living brings your values and behaviors into alignment. More simply put, it’s when you’re doing what’s most important to you as often as possible.

Each journey toward authentic living is unique, but I’ve narrowed it down to five pieces of the life pie that have been shown to most profoundly deepen meaning and connection to the self.

One: Connection

Although we usually think of connection in terms of friends and family, it comes in many forms. You make connections daily every time you go out into the world. You connect with your animals, with nature, with strangers, and with yourself. A brief phone call, a moment of greeting, a nod of acknowledgment, and eye contact are all forms of connection that shape the way you feel and exist in the world. When you go hours or even days without an authentic form of connection, you’re depriving your soul of a much-needed nutrient. Make connecting a priority in your life by making time for friends and family, reaching out in the community, or simply taking a walk in nature.

Two: Self-Care

It is an essential part of your well-being and life to spend time doing the things you love or that feed your mind, body, and soul. As a culture, we notoriously push our own needs to the bottom of the list, claiming that we can’t be selfish or that we don’t have the time. No one will advocate for your self-care except you. You need to take what’s rightfully yours, which is time for yourself. Even if you love being with your kids, and even if pleasing others brings you pleasure, this isn’t the same as giving to yourself what you need to feel whole.

Three: Renewal

In the simplest terms, renewal is a break. For most of us, the only time we get renewal is when we’re sleeping, and even that is limited in the busiest of times. It’s sad to think that in order to rest, we need to be unconscious; it doesn’t have to be that way. Making an active effort for renewal is a fundamental part of living authentically. You see renewal all the time in the natural world, such as when farms are cleared for a new harvest or when a forest fire burns acres of trees. Under the surface is new growth that can only rise up in the space that is cleared. Whether it’s a few moments of quiet time or a scheduled vacation, make time for renewal and replenishment in your life.

Four: Community

The notion of community is connected to many positive states of being, including happiness and a sense of meaning in one’s life. The feeling of belonging literally shapes the brain and promotes positive feelings. We perceive this just by spending time with family and friends, participating in clubs, and being part of a group. Community is the cornerstone of a healthy life because it offers a provision of support and an opportunity to experience the self in relation to something greater. Community needs to be high on your list of personal values because you wouldn’t be able to survive without it.

Five: Spirituality

The grind of life takes us further and further away from the mystical. Whether it’s your religion or a spiritual sensibility related to something else in your life, connecting with the mysterious and unknown is invigorating and centering. Tied to faith, spirituality offers a grounded place within the self when things feel overwhelming or like they’re just too much. Think of it as your refuge or safe place to retreat to when things become hard.

Modern-day culture has all us of living overly individualized lives, which gives a false sense of personal sustainability. We live our lives like we’re on an island while denying the truth that we need much more.

It is only when we become clear about what we need, what we believe in deeply, what we stand for, and how we want to exist in the world that we can create a life that is not only honest but fulfilling.

No one likes to be rejected. No one.

Whether it’s not landing that job you desperately wanted or getting turned down for a date by someone you’ve been crushing on, it’s painful to be told “no.” And what can be even worse is that these kinds of experiences can send you spiraling into self-doubt. Negative thoughts like, “what’s wrong with me?” or, “I’ll never be able to get ahead in my career” can add to your frustration and may even limit you from pursuing goals in the future. But the truth is that rejection is universal and unavoidable; everyone is rejected at some point! Thankfully, there are some key things to remember and strategies to help you avoid getting emotionally crushed.

Here are some ways to deal with the reality that not everything you want or go for will work out:

If you find yourself obsessing over being rejected, you might want to step back and view what happened as objectively as you can. We sometimes have a tendency to catastrophize, or make some things seem worse than they actually are. Keep in mind that just because you feel rejected doesn’t mean you actually are.

Also, consider the source. There are certain individuals whose feedback you should listen to (such as your boss, spouse, or close friend), but if you don’t really value the person who rejected you or put you down, try not to waste your time or energy worrying about what he/ she said.

But what if the rejection is personal? What if someone you care about has rejected you?

Though it’s painful, you can use the opportunity to self-reflect and if necessary, course correct. Is there something you missed in the relationship? How could you improve next time? I know a young man fresh out of college who had a tough experience with an internship. His goal was to work for a few months, then be evaluated to see if the company wanted to hire him full time. When it came time for his review, his employer had some poignant words for him about his shortcomings and ways that he could have performed better; he was rejected from the position. He recounted to me how he was embarrassed and disappointed in himself, but also that he’s never forgotten some of the parting advice his boss gave him. This young man was able to take his rejection and learn something from it that would benefit him in his future career.

If you still can’t shake the sting of rejection in a reasonable amount of time, consider reaching out and sharing your feelings. I’m not suggesting you post on social media, but I’ve found that calling up a friend who I know will lend an ear can be a great help. You can express your pain and frustration, cry if you need to, and brainstorm your next move. My only word of caution: don’t allow the vent session to go on too long or expect someone else to solve your troubles.

And finally, I truly believe that the most important thing you can do to cope in a healthy way is to understand that rejection is not a reflection of your self-worth.

You are unique, valuable, and worthy of love. I have a good friend who was rejected in love. She had just moved to a big city and met a man who was good looking, funny, and successful, but what really attracted him to her was that he was kind and considerate to her. My friend quickly fell in love with him, but he did not return her affections. Understandably, this was disappointing, even heartbreaking for her, but she also knew that it didn’t mean she was less of a person or unattractive to men. Although she was hurt, she knew that her self-worth remained untouched, and she later went on to find love again.

All in all, experiencing rejection is never fun, but it doesn’t have to deliver a permanent blow to your self-esteem. Viewing the rejection in context, practicing self-compassion, reaching out for connection, and using it as a teaching lesson can help you bounce back and thrive.