Tag: mind

Do food and happiness go hand in hand for you? They sure did for me.

For years, food was a salve, a friend, and a constant companion for me. From the time I was an older teen to the second I turned my back on obesity forever, food was my rock.

Or so I thought.

Like many people who struggle with weight issues, I treated food like a close friend and relied on food to make me happy. I spent a lot of time with food, planned what to do with food, and even talked excessively about food.

You may be like me and feel as though food makes you happy. It is very easy to reach for cookies when your day is stressful, dig into ice cream after a difficult assignment, or wolf down a fast food burger in between appointments.

There is often a false relationship between food and happiness. Food can distract you, fill you up, give you nutrients, fuel your exercise, and give you something to talk about. But at the end of the day, food cannot make you happy.

Oftentimes what happens is you eat to make yourself happy but feel guilty over poor food choices instead. Then, the cycle of guilt, overeating, guilt, and overeating begins and the result is weight gain. Which is the exact opposite of what you desire.

In order to stop equating eating with happiness, you must learn to see food in a different light.

Deal With Everyday Emotions

Most of the reasons we use food to make ourselves happy stem from a dependence on food to soothe emotions. You must learn to deal with the emotions of everyday life without relying on food as a crutch. It will likely take a minute-by-minute commitment to yourself to not turn on the oven and make a pan of brownies or wolf down sweets when you feel stressed or upset.

Ignore False Advertising Messages

Another step to breaking the food-happiness cycle is learning to ignore false advertising messages.

There is no magic in the box of crackers, the bag of chips, or the candy bar, even though food advertisers would have you think otherwise. Commercials you watch, ads you read, and billboards you drive past promise you will enjoy your day more if you eat certain foods.

Here’s what I promise: Your day will be no better or worse if you pass on the giant cupcake or skip the fast food drive thru. Learning to ignore false advertisements will help you discover that happiness and fulfillment come from within and not from food.

The Five-Minute Timeout

I recommend using a five-minute timeout as a way to train yourself to disassociate food and happiness.

Try this technique when you find yourself reaching for food in between meals, eating when you are upset, or loading up your plate with second helpings of high-calorie foods.

When you feel yourself giving in to food urges, look at the time. Tell yourself you are going to wait five minutes before you eat. During that time, write down what you are feeling and why you want food. In many cases, the five-minute timeout is enough to remove the urgency from the emotion and give yourself room to think through your actions.

Food is a wonderful part of your daily life, but it doesn’t have the power to make you happy or relieve stress. I discovered that it wasn’t the food that made events like weddings, parties, and movie nights fun; it was the company I kept and the memories we created.

A postpartum photo from an Arizona mother has caught the attention of millions. Danielle Haines never intended for her picture to create such a stir, but instead it was meant as a gesture of thanks to all that had helped her since the birth of her little one.

Haines hadn’t gone to sleep since labor and now she was home, with her son, while her partner was at work. She was having difficulty sleeping and when her friend showed up at her door she broke down in tears. Her friend calmed her and then stated that she looked absolutely beautiful and wanted to know if she could take a photo. Haines agreed and posted it a few days later asking other mom’s for insight on how to deal with the first few weeks postpartum.

Instantly a floodgate of mothers began commenting, sharing their own stories of pain, aches, and tired happiness for this new chapter in their life.

Haine’s son is now one-year-old and brings her constant joy, but her message remains long after her sleepless nights. All women struggle with postpartum in their own, personal way.

“It takes a village to raise a baby. We need the human family. It can’t be just the partner and it can’t be just your mom. We need our peers as well.”

The raw and emotional photo has stirred many hearts and serves as a reminder that motherhood is hard, yet beautiful, every step of the way.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. This a mantra many of us have said, wishing it to be true. It typically takes people till they’ve reached college to find a state of self-acceptance; some never reach this point. High school bullies are nothing to laugh at, their words can be more damaging than a physical blow, but somehow we make it through. For better or for worse we end up on the other side. But can you imagine, for just a moment, being told you were the ugliest human being on the planet. Not only by a classmate but by a complete stranger, over YouTube no less. So imagine, a person has just verbally ousted you as the ugliest person in the world and to your horror you realize there are over 4 million views with thousands upon thousands of comments agreeing with this antagonist. How could you possibly recover from such a traumatizing event? Well, Lizzie Velasquez not only recovered but she flourished. 

Lizzie Velasquez is a 26-year-old woman suffering from Marfan Syndrome and lipodystrophy. These are disorders where you’re not able to gain weight, suffer from premature aging, and a field of other problems. When Lizzie was just 17-years-old she was on YouTube for a school assignment. She clicked on an eight-second clip of “The World’s Ugliest Woman,” and didn’t realize this woman was her till it began. “Why would her parents keep her?” and “Kill it with fire,” are just some of the horrifying comments she read below the clip. She couldn’t stop with just one; she ended up reading all of the thousands of comments not talking to friends or family about it for days, due to her shock and deep sadness (BBC).

“It was a long process of being really sad, then being really angry, then saying, ‘I need to take this into my own hands. How can I turn it around?'” she said. ” It was scary. But I wanted to have control over what I showed people who I was” (ABC).

Lizzie’s entire life has been filled with situations like these. When she entered elementary school she had no idea kids would treat her differently and had to navigate, as a six-year-old child, the way to brush off negativity and move on. She attributes her success in large part to her parents who have felt nothing but unconditional love since the day she was born. Even though they were told that she wouldn’t live long and would need constant care that did not deter them from treating her like a normal child. They were the ones that encouraged her to be in cheerleading, to go to the mall, and to just live life as she should. So when Lizzie discovered this horrible video she only had one option – to prove everyone wrong (ABC).

After the mourning period, Lizzie began formulating a video response. This response reached thousands of people, and nothing but positivity flooded her newsfeed. This led her on a quest to learn public speaking and ultimately inspired her documentary “A Brave Heart,” which ended up premiering at SXSW. 

“If I ever see that person [who made the video] I would jump on them and give them the biggest hug in the world and tell them, ‘Thank you for bringing the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life,’ ” she says. “That video changed everything and it has given me the platform that I have now to be the voice for anyone who’s ever been bullied – and not just myself” (People).

Can you imagine having that type of attitude? It’s something that’s almost incomprehensible. Her YouTube channel now has more than half million subscribers, and she has positively impacted thousands of women. She receives emails daily from young girls and women who struggle with a range of issues, whether it is image, bullying, or just general unhappiness. They thank her for her positive spirit and have let her know how she has touched their lives and helped them reach a complete 180. Her range of activism goes further than her YouTube channel; she had a TED Talk and has teamed with Tina Meier whose daughter Megan took her life after being ruthlessly bullied online (BBC). 

Lizzie Velasquez is an incredible inspiration to every single female in the entire world. She suffers from painful physical ailments on a daily basis and somehow maintains her positivity. Mix that with brutal public criticisms and Lizzie could very well be a superwoman. Her love towards those who have shown her nothing but criticisms is incredible. Take a moment to search your heart and soul and imbue your actions with some of her unyielding love and positivity. 

If you have ever experienced any kind of loss then you have also grieved. Anyone who has spent some time feeling the depth of pain that comes with death, heartbreak, or severe disappointment knows that the process of grieving is not to be taken lightly.
As with many issues for which we seek guidance and advice, there are a million opinions, strategies, and paradigms for healing what ails us. Greif has not escaped this, and everyone and their sister seems to have an opinion on what a griever needs to do to “recover.”
While grieving is a natural human experience, it’s also a learned practice. You develop your conditioning and beliefs around grief through the modeling you experience growing up. If you witnessed your parents crying behind closed doors, you would have learned that grieving should be hidden. If you saw a grieving family member take to bed for days on end after a loss, you would have learned that grief is disabling. You would also learn that grief is something to just “get over” if you witnessed someone close to you avoiding grief entirely.
I first started to really learn about the developmental process of grief in graduate school where I was introduced to Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ stages of grief, which include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Since then I’ve personally experienced grief in many forms. I grieved the loss of my marriage, my health when I had cancer, and most recently I grieved the loss of my mother.
Each one of my losses invoked a different experience, and I quickly came to realize that everything I had learned about grief wasn’t really all that accurate. The truth is that grief is both universal and unique because each person has his or her own story and experience around loss. My own grief, combined with treating the depths of loss in my practice, drove me to receive a certificate in grief counseling. I wanted to deepen my understanding of grief, and even more specifically, how my clients should be expected to grieve the losses with which they were presented.
In my pursuit of a more flexible grieving model, I came across one important tidbit of information that changed everything for me.
Time doesn’t heal.
One of the most common comments grievers receive from the outside world is that the pain will pass with time. The real truth is that those who wait for the pain to fade end up stuck in their heartache without the proper tools to really move forward. I have also learned that when you lose someone close to you, the idea of their memory fading away is terrifying because you don’t want to forget someone you cherished. It’s true that memories become harder to recall with time, but time alone doesn’t heal.
The Grief Recovery Institute® defines grief as the conflicting emotions caused by an end or a change in a familiar pattern of behavior. We often forget that grief is actually an emotion because we’re encouraged to control it, stop it, get over it or move through it. Like all other emotions, grief needs to be processed and worked through for long-term healing to take place.
I would like to share some of the tips I learned while studying the Grief Recovery Method®, which guides people to the goal of discovering and completing what was left emotionally unfinished for them after a loss.
Here a few examples of steps you can take to move through the grief process with the intention of fully recovering:
1. Write a letter to the person you lost expressing any unsaid thoughts or feelings. Finding resolution and finishing the relationship are important pieces of the grieving puzzle.
2. Create a timeline of memories or a relationship graph that highlights all of the “sweet” and “sour” experiences you shared. Grievers naturally focus on the good, but it’s important to grieve the whole person, and that means good and bad.
3. Write a eulogy. Even if you’re not going to read or share it (or even if your grieving someone who is alive like with divorce), write a short remembrance of the person to become clear about what you want to hold on to as part of your memory.
4. Create a closing ritual to complete the loss. Some people release a balloon or send their letter out to sea. You can also write a poem and read it under the moon or create a treasure box to contain belongings you’ll be saving for memories.
The experience of grief is as unpredictable as it is universal, so let yourself explore the many rituals grievers can practice, and create a meaningful closure that’s just right for you.

You’ve probably heard the quote by Neale Donald Walsh that says, “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” You may have liked it, Pinned it, and Instagrammed it, but have you actually sat and thought about what it means to you in your life? It’s actually a little intimidating to think about.

What’s outside of your comfort zone are things you don’t have, haven’t tried, or accomplished yet. If you are a person who considers themselves fortunate for all of the things in your life, it may have even crossed your mind that to desire more is an act of ingratitude.

But let me ask you this — are you truly happy, or have you pushed aside your true needs and goals for the sake of remaining in your comfort zone or the comfort zone of another person? If you’re feeling trapped by fear, maybe it’s time to shake things up a little. Try these four tactics to get out of your comfort zone and start achieving your wildest dreams.

Don’t care so much about what others think. One of the biggest obstacles to going after a big goal is the fear of what other people may think. Stop worrying so much about them, and start listening to yourself. There are always going to be negative, “judgy” people out there, but guess what? You don’t have to listen to them! You are allowed to be imperfect, you are allowed to try new things. Listen to the voice inside of you, and get out there.

Be comfortable with failing. This is where old adage, “If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again” comes in handy. Ask any inventor, professional athlete, or successful CEO how they became successful, and I’ll bet there will be stories of little failures that paved the way to their success. I love the famous quote from Thomas Edison that says:

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Embrace those words, and try until you triumph.

Look fear in the eye. Do you go out of your way to avoid situations that may result in discomfort or make excuses for why you can’t do something? Fear is often related to that little voice inside telling you that you aren’t good enough. Stop missing out on opportunities to avoid something that may never happen. Maybe you’ve been wanting to try that new fitness class near your house, but you don’t think you are coordinated enough to keep up. Face your fear, and do it! I’ll guarantee you there is someone else in the class that felt exactly the same way on their first day. You’ll never know what brings you joy or what you’re really good at unless you try.

Be ok with taking risks. Your comfort zone feels good because it doesn’t cause you to feel any stress or anxiety. When you take a risk you may fail, but you may also accomplish something great. Get comfortable with the idea of taking a risk, and don’t get too focused on obtaining a particular result. If you’re considering interviewing for your dream job, don’t be entirely deflated if you don’t get it. If you do, that’s awesome! But if someone else gets it, don’t sweat it. The process will give you the experience and confidence you need to keep taking risks and reaching for the stars.

I recently looked into booking a trip for myself that I intended to take by myself. I like traveling alone, and I’m not afraid to go on an adventure solo. However, when I inquired about pricing I was being asked to pay an additional fee for a single room. I get the extra cost of having one to a room versus two, but I was forced to confront something that I had always known. In our culture we reward and encourage pairs, but when we journey alone we pay a premium for it.
I’ve done a lot of reading on solitude, loneliness, being single and being separate. I have also explored my own fears of being alone that strongly surfaced after the ending of my twenty-year marriage. Terrified of feeling alone combined with the humiliation of being alone left me in a pretty dark place.
Generally people avoid being alone due to fear and the risk of judgment. Many of us would rather be in bad company, tired and depleted than to look like an alienated loser. It’s no surprise that we avoid being alone and associate it with loss, rejection, loneliness, and a whole host of negative experiences when we live in a culture that promotes and rewards couples and family more than it does solitude.
Confusing loneliness and being alone is a big part of the confusion when it comes to this topic. Loneliness is an organic experience that we all feel at times in our lives. It usually surfaces after a loss or when our support systems are lacking, but we should expect to experience it on and off throughout the lifespan. It’s possible to feel lonely when alone, but it’s also possible to feel lonely in a group or even a marriage. We can also have moments of feeling alone in the world when it feels like no one understands what we’re going through.
Being alone can be as much a choice as it can be circumstantial. We can end up alone, but we can also choose to spend time in solitude for our own wellbeing. Solitude often just happens in our lives as well. Reading a book on the couch, taking an extra few minutes in the shower and even sitting in traffic create moments of solitude.

Pros and Cons

Spending time alone provides opportunity for deep personal reflection, and it also affords you the chance to rejuvenate and re-energize. Being around other people can be draining even for the most gregarious extrovert, and we all need time to replenish.
Spending time alone is not only an ancient practice among Buddhist monks, it has also become a prescription for many symptoms and mental health issues. Stressed out executives are finding great value in doing silent retreats and over-worked caregivers get the rest they need by spending time in solitude.
Just like a computer we need to shut down our brains for even short periods of time to get back to a place of clarity.
Spending time alone can sometimes be a negative practice particularly for people who are depressed and feel the tendency to isolate. Human beings are wired for relationships so we all need to have some form of connection in our lives. If being alone becomes more of a defense and an avoidant behavior than a way to improve wellbeing then it’s probably not the best practice. The driving force behind the time alone is good indicator as to whether it’s a healthy choice or a maladaptive behavior.

Fit or Flop

Overall spending time alone or in solitude is a good idea. Being alone feeds the soul and heals the heart, and it provides the opportunity to become quiet enough to listen to your own thoughts and feelings. It’s an essential part of our wellbeing to take time out and away from the daily barrage of input that overwhelms our minds to maintain the greatest sense of wellbeing.
As an individualistic culture we need to be mindful of our intention behind the seeking of solitude. We have a tendency to use time alone as an escape from social obligation unlike in the Buddhist culture where solitude is seen as an important and welcomed way to become evolved or enlightened. Being aware of intention is an important part of the process, and will ultimately have impact on the level of benefit that comes with the time spent alone.

Have you ever had a day where everything just seems to go wrong? You get a flat tire, were late to work, forgot your lunch, filed a report incorrectly, and it all culminated with you laying on your couch moaning in pain from a mind-numbing headache. “Don’t worry, I’m fine. It’s just a stress headache.” These type of headaches are considered tension headaches, and the root cause  is still up in the air. Doctors and scientist haven’t been able to pinpoint exactly why the pain occurs, but they have been able to pinpoint the exact locations (Mayo Clinic).
If you were to visit a holistic doctor or an apothecary they’d give you some pretty definitive opinions as to where that headache was stemming from – negative thoughts, that point right before stress sets in. Recently there has been more investigation whether negative emotions and thoughts directly correlate with physical pain. Negative emotions circulate through the body and can sometimes rear its angry head as a physical symptom, whether it’s outright pain, discomfort, or tension. Health coaches, therapists, and workout instructors are placing more credence in the theory that physical pain can sometimes be a manifestation of a negative thought or emotion that you’re ignoring. Developing tangible symptoms is your body’s only way to grab your attention and force you to deal with your physical and emotional state (Healthy and Natural World).
Louise Hay, an American motivational author, has written numerous self-help books aimed at guiding people through tough, mental journeys. In 1998, she penned “Heal Your Body A-Z: The Mental Causes for Physical Illness and the Way to Overcome Them,” which describes how physical maladies can be attributed to mental thoughts. Hay also designed an emotional pain chart where visuals were constructed to create a link between emotional and physical trauma. As time has progressed her newfangled idea has slowly gained momentum and manifested itself in the Centripetal Force Studio, where the practice of physiotherapy is utilized to the extreme. Physiotherapy is a therapy that uses physical touch as its main source of healing, whether it’s through massage, ultrasound, heat, or exercise. Centripetal Force Studio identifies emotional issues and physical issues, links them together, and ultimately provides the person in therapy insight into how these two aspects can affect physical health.
Emotional Pain Chart
The emotional pain chart presents mental thought patterns that form your experiences. Below are some common ailments that most of you have likely encountered:
-Neck Pain: This neck pain has been associated with individuals who are refusing to look at situations through a new perspective. Classic character traits are stubbornness and inflexibility.
-Shoulder Pain: This can be representative of your ability to carry emotional burdens in a negative way based upon your attitude. Shoulders can become tense and cramped from the overall unease and discomfort that you may be experiencing from daily struggles.
Knee Pain: Unyielding pride and an overzealous ego has been linked to knee pain. Fear, inflexibility to give in, and an inability to go with the flow are also common descriptors.
Weakness: A classic remedy to weakness is mental rest. On an hourly basis, your emotions are pulled a million different ways. Whether it’s irritation, excitement, or disappointment our emotions take a toll, and that’s why it’s important to give your mind a rest so your body can heal too.
If you take time to peruse the pain chart it may seem a little “new-agey,” but it makes sense. Why couldn’t your thoughts be affecting your physical health? Is it really that far of a stretch to assume that your irritability could cause that elbow or hip pain? The American Psychological Association (APA) has identified that stress affects physical health, but stress stems from day to day thoughts. So next time you’re tempted to mentally berate Her for wearing those shoes with that dress, or smugly pat yourself on the back for burning 500 calories at the gym, take pause. Those toxic thoughts are not only polluting your mind but quite possibly your everyday health (APA).

Like most people, I like being “productive.” Accomplishing work projects, receiving an award or recognition, and even completing something mundane like washing a few loads of my family’s laundry brings me a feeling of inner satisfaction. But I wonder if our Western society places too much emphasis on being productive. When we get to the point where we beat ourselves up if we don’t cross every item off our to-do list, it might be time to reassess and re-evaluate things. Here are some ways to reduce guilt when you’re not as productive as you would have liked:

First off, not getting it all done doesn’t mean that you’re lazy! In fact, it could be the opposite: are the expectations you have for yourself perhaps unrealistic? I know what it’s like to be ambitious, but remember that you are a human being with human limitations, and that’s okay! Set your goals high, but not so high that you’re essentially preparing yourself to fail. Go for good enough, and take pride in what you do accomplish. I suggest you even think about ditching your to-do list completely (especially if it’s causing you anxiety)!

If you find yourself feeling guilty about being “unproductive,” reconsider what that even means. Running yourself ragged will make you tired and burnt out, which will actually hurt your efficiency and productivity in the long run. On the other hand, unscheduled time can rejuvenate your body and spirit. I encourage you to view your downtime not as a waste of the day but instead as necessary to your mental and emotional health. I’ve also found that relaxation and rest can help foster creativity; it’s during those quiet, peaceful times that you may find new mindful or spiritual insight. As a songwriter, I often get my best ideas not when I’m crazy busy, but when I slow down and breathe. Consider taking a yoga class or doing some other meditative practice to help calm your mind and put aside the cares and stresses for a bit.

An additional strategy to beat the “guilt of unproductivity” is to value not just the achievement of a task or goal, but also the process of how you got there. For example, having children help you cook a meal will almost certainly take longer than if you had done so on your own, but the learning experience they have and the opportunity to strengthen your relationship with them will (hopefully!) be worth the extra time. Even if you don’t finish something you set out to do, there is still great potential to learn and grow from process of working toward your goals.

And finally, it took me years, decades even to recognize that my behavior or performance is not linked to my self-worth. Though it can be difficult, try to stop viewing an unfinished task as a sign that you are not “good enough” or worthy of love. You are so much more than your to-do list. When you fall short, practice self-compassion and let yourself off the hook a little. While your performance varies from day-to-day, your worth remains untouched.

After all is said and done, if you still are disappointed in yourself for not accomplishing as much as you want, remember that tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities. You can use your mistakes and failures to course correct for the future.

The way you see the world is called your perception, and your perception is driven by your internal experience of yourself, others and the world. What you take in from your environment gets digested and then regurgitated as your external experience. This is true both as a child and as an adult and it’s a constant ongoing process throughout life that is dependent on what’s happening in any given moment or day. However, the most imbedded experiences that stem from your earliest life are the most influential, and this is particularly true when it comes to love.
The most important experience you could have as a child is to internalize a feeling of being loved. If you hold an internal feeling of being loved and valued then you will see the world as a safe and welcoming place. In contrast, if you were unloved you will experience the world as unsafe and untrustworthy.
Walking through the world with a deep feeling of being unloved is painful and limiting. It becomes hard to develop intimate relationships, to see the good in others, and to maintain a sense of confidence in having your needs met. Most detrimental to the unloved child is the difficulty receiving real authentic love from another.
Feeling unloved is imbedded in the heart, soul and psyche. It feels like a sense of disconnection coupled with an experience of not belonging. As an unloved child you develop an internalized model of being unlovable and unwanted, and as an adult this manifests in an avoidance of intimacy and a pattern of unfulfilling relationships.
In an attempt to work through the painful experience of feeling unloved your inner neglected child will seek a repair of the early wounding by looking for love from partners that are most like the original source of trauma. Thirsty for any form of love, she will tolerate almost anything in a relationship with the undying hope that her unmet needs will be fulfilled.
The internal experience of feeling unloved is one of the biggest obstacles to finding the right partner because the level and type of love needed to heal those wounds is unique and can only happen with someone who is willing to honor and respect the need for this special kind of love.
The greatest opportunity for healing the inner unloved child comes in the form of a healing relationship. This can either be with a therapist or lover, but either will need to have a strong foundation of trust and a deep understanding of the type of love needed for reparation.
The first step in the process of healing these wounds comes in the form of self-awareness. Understanding the feelings and behaviors that may be shaping your experience of others and the world will open the door for the self-acceptance and recognition that something is missing.
Here are some observations you will want to make.
If you:

• Feel unsatisfied in relationships
• Feel insecure and question your partner’s love of you
• Hear your partner say they can never do enough to please you
• Feel left out or excluded easily and often
• Prefer to be alone or feel safer in solitude
• Find it hard to be vulnerable or share your feelings
• Have a hard time showing or expressing your love
• Feel like something is missing all of the time

The very idea of love, and what if means to feel loved, will escape the unloved child. Never having experienced or learned what it feels like internally to be loved, she will struggle with the deep knowing and recognition of healthy love.
Another positive step toward healing is to contemplate the idea of love, and what it means to you. Answer the following questions as a starting point.
What is your earliest memory of feeling loved? How did your caregivers show love even if it came in a negative form? How do you show love to others? What does love feel like in your present life? What is the highest level of love you want to receive?
It’s okay if you can’t answer all of these questions. Keep them close by and contemplate them regularly until something surfaces.
It’s important to remember that growing into an adult from an unloved place does not mean that you’re damaged or broken. We all come into adulthood with deficits and areas of development that need fulfillment. A lack of love is the most common form of neglect mainly because many parents and caregivers never received it and thus can’t show it in a healthy way.
Take it upon yourself to change so your transmission of love to others and your own family breaks the cycle. Setting an intention to heal the unloved part of yourself and doing the work it takes to fill that empty place will shift you, your life and your immediate world for the better. Most importantly you will be given the opportunity to get the love you deserve.

I had a fight with my girlfriend in college. It was a big one. I do not remember what it was about or who was to blame—if anyone. All I know is that after a year and a half of going out we were disappointed enough after the argument that we decided to split. This was my first breakup.
We were inexperienced when it came to fighting. Small disagreements usually ended quickly and we had no clue how to weather a significant battle. Once this disagreement blew up we had no idea how to restore ourselves. It felt final. In a matter of minutes the whole relationship was lost. After we exchanged our frustrations we turned and wandered away from each other.
After a moment my walking pace picked up and as I scurried away I became like a scare mouse looking around for shelter. My mind became unfocused and racing. Agitated, I could feel my heart pound and my breathing accelerate. I was walking fast—darting my way across campus to get something to eat. Then it happened. I got light headed and my heart rate soared. It was as though I had no control over my own body. I’d been marching along—then suddenly it seemed hard to lift my legs and couldn’t take a full breath. I was trembling.
A terrible feeling of dread—like I was about to die—came over me. It gripped me. Although I was an athlete and only 20 years old the first thought was that I was having a heart attack. My mind scrambled for a solution. I alternately tried to calm myself down—then freaked out because I couldn’t. But it was my heart that was causing all this. I was having a panic attack.
Going to the college infirmary the nurse practitioner calmed my fears. She told me it was unlikely I was having a heart attack. When I explained what just happened with my girlfriend she said it sounded more like an anxiety reaction. That was the first time she used the phrase panic attack. The term panic didn’t resonate with me. I was certainly having a reaction—but panic? Panic over what?
A panic attack isn’t the normal fear or stress reaction you might have to a situation. If you have a near accident in your car, or a barking dog with sharp teeth comes toward you—these are fear-based reactions—reality based—that have many of the same symptoms. The difference is that panic attacks seem to come out of nowhere. They have been found related to such things as family history, substance abuse, and major stressors. But, I had none of these indications. The only thing that seemed related had to do with the timing of the fight. Could that be enough to trigger a panic attack? The answer was a resounding ‘yes.’ But the reason why surprised me.
It wasn’t the novelty of the fight, or the fact that it raised my heart and breathing rates. It also had nothing to do with the intensity of the argument itself. The panic attack was about us separating–and to be more specific, separation anxiety. The fact that we were going to break up triggered the panic. Like a baby parted from its mother panic attacks are often related to issues around separation and loss. It was the fear of separating from my girlfriend that triggered the reaction.
After graduate school I went on to become a licensed psychologist. After many years in practice, I’ve learned a great deal about what these disorders are all about and how to treat them. Nearly 2.5 million Americans are affected by panic disorders, and experiences like mine are typical as it usually begins in late adolescence and early adulthood. More than twice as many women experience panic attack than men.
The treatment usually involves cognitive behavioral therapy, a particular form of psychotherapy designed to identify and change negative thought patterns beneath anxious and difficult feelings. This and other forms of therapy have the objective of uncovering what the triggers are causing the anxiety. Medications can also be helpful, such as antidepressants like Paxil and Zoloft, and anti-anxiety prescriptions like Xanax and Ativan. Learning to meditate or use relaxation and breathing techniques can also be useful.
But as a psychologist helping someone understand the trigger, particularly the potential loss of something or someone, is key. Helping people trace back their panic attack to the fear of separating from someone, or a recent loss (such as a death, or a divorce, or the ending of a relationship) is typically very insightful. Most people seeking treatment don’t realize how profound a loss—or a potential loss—can be in triggering their panic.
Of course fear of separation isn’t always the cause. Yet, there is ongoing research that suggests it may often be a significant part of the problem. There are other conditions, such as agoraphobia, where people avoid places or situations that could cause panic, which have other activators. In the case of agoraphobia people usually dodge places that make them feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed.
Panic attacks typically last only a few minutes. Learning the coping skills to get through it will help lessen the anxiety—and learning what the separation triggers are that may be at the root of it can help even more.