Tag: mind

I was appalled to catch myself on a TV monitor inside an electronics store. The monitor was demonstrating the quality of a home surveillance system. It was sharp, clear, and accurate. When I stopped to check myself out I was stunned by the grumpy look on my face. Grumpy–as in one of the Seven Dwarfs grumpy. If ‘Cantankerous’ or ‘Sullen’ were one of the 7 characters they could have been contenders.

There weren’t many shoppers around so I practiced smiling. The difference was amazing. I indulged myself in becoming 3 of the dwarfs and transformed from Grumpy to Happy to Silly and spent some serious time experimenting with different faces–all the while watching in the monitor. When the salesman came by to see if I were interested in purchasing something–I immediately added a fourth to my repertoire and became Bashful. Somewhere in the mix I am certain he contemplated calling security. It isn’t usual to see a grown man making faces into a surveillance system in mid-town Manhattan.

The grumpy me looked like a face from the wanted flyers in the post office or on newspaper mug shots of the recently convicted– quite a disagreeable character. This is what bothered me most. My face didn’t match who I thought I was–and certainly didn’t seem to reflect how I felt. However, there it was–this is how I look to the world.

The message our face conveys is central to human development and social interactions. Cues from the mother’s face are among the first thing an infant notices to see if the surroundings are safe. If mom is smiling all is right with the world and the baby proceeds. If mom makes a frown–the infant goes on high alert. This is how a child begins to understand social cues. If a baby spotted Mr. Grumpy on the monitor I am certain shoppers would have been treated to a significant wailing.

It was Darwin who elaborated on the nature of a smile and the effect it has on one’s self and others. In the introduction to his book, Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals, Darwin gave credit to the French anatomist Guillaume Duchenne for his unique description of the muscles involved in the expression of agreeable emotions. Darwin relied on the pioneering work of Duchenne, who made an interesting observation: There is a way of determining a genuine smile from a false one. The genuine smile (what scientists now refer to as a Duchenne smile) involves contraction of two major muscles. The zygomatic major muscle, which is responsible for raising the corners of the mouth, and the orbicularis oculi muscle that pulls the cheeks upward. When the latter happens it helps form crow’s feet–the little crinkles around the eyes. According to Duchenne raising the corners of the mouth is something that can happen by will. However, only “…the sweet emotions of the soul…” cause the second muscle to pull the cheeks upward to form crow’s feet. Duchenne believed that when we are experiencing a genuine positive emotion the eyes and the mouth are in sync.

Later research would show this genuine smile predicts a better marriage, less depression, and even living longer. In a famous 2001 longitudinal study researchers looked at Mills College yearbook photos of 114 women from the classes 1958 through 1960, all but three of the young women smiled. However, 50 had Duchenne smiles and 61 had non-Duchenne courtesy smiles.

Thirty years later the genuine smile group was more likely to get and stay married, and had higher scores on physical and emotional wellbeing. In 2010 scientists went a bit further. They studied the intensity of smiles in photographs of Major League Baseball players prior to 1950. They separated the photographs into three categories: no smile, partial smile, and a full Duchenne smile. Guess what? The bigger the smile–the longer the player lived.

However, the big news is they’ve found you can learn to generate a Duchenne smile. The results show that this can help you feel better–and has a major impact on how others see you.

To practice making your Duchenne smile first pull up the corners of your mouth (the ‘say cheese’ position). Now, flex your orbicularis oculi and pull up those cheeks until you see the crow’s feet form around your eyes. What science tells us is when you do this it will lower your heart rate and make you feel more positive emotions–but it also affects others. Studies have shown when you do this people will see you as more competent, more hirable, more intelligent, spontaneous, intense, agreeable, generous, and more attractive. One study even found that a Duchenne smile was more important than the clothes you wear.

My recommendation is to practice that Duchenne smile so you’ll be ready to use it. But please–use the bathroom mirror–not a surveillance monitor.

Vulnerability is literally your “ability” to be vulnerable. It’s the deep expression of your most sacred thoughts and feelings, and it’s the willingness to share yourself with others authentically and without apology. Vulnerability is also about exposing your flaws, secrets, and darker sides without shame. The capacity to be vulnerable depends on many things, including your upbringing, your level of courage, and a feeling of safety.
Growing up you might have been taught both implicitly and explicitly to be emotionally strong. You learned to control your feelings and to avoid burdening others with your pain. When vulnerability is discouraged you develop a sense of shame not only about having feelings but also expressing them. Thus, being vulnerable doesn’t come easily to everyone, particularly when you struggle with emotional expression in general.
Brené Brown, one of the leaders in the vulnerability movement, defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” She has stated that to be human is to be in vulnerability. This means that it’s in your nature to be vulnerable, which suggests that your inability to be vulnerable can lead to inauthenticity and a disconnection from your self.
If you think of emotional expression as being weak, then you’ll resist being vulnerable. If you learn to value your own feelings and see them as important, you will be more compelled to express yourself.
If you’ve been avoiding vulnerability you might be noticing some of these in your relationships:

• Disconnection
• Feeling unsupported
• Loneliness
• Disappointment
• Frustratration

It’s definitely exposing to share your feelings or imperfections. It can feel as though you’re standing naked in front of the world just waiting to be judged and demoralized for being your most honest self.

This is why it’s not wise to be vulnerable with everyone.

The practice of vulnerability needs to be reserved for the precious few people in your life who have earned the right to experience you in this way. When expressing your vulnerability goes well, it deepens your intimacy and connection in your relationships. When it isn’t received with tenderness and understanding it can hurt deeply and ultimately make you shut down.
Becoming a more vulnerable person happens over time with practice, courage, and personal insight. The more you know and accept yourself, the easier it will be to share and be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is not something you do in your day-to-day interactions; it needs to happen with intention and mindfulness.
Ideally you will set up the right context that ensures a positive experience and in which you can feel completely safe and open.

When you feel ready to begin practicing vulnerability, you’ll want to set yourself up for success.

Here are some beginning steps to practicing vulnerability with someone you love:

1. Get clear about what you want to share or ask for. This should be one or two feelings that seem important for the person to know. Examples might be “I’m struggling a bit at work and I need your support” or “I’m feeling lonely in our relationship.”
2. Schedule a specific time to talk so you know when you will be having the conversation and can have time to prepare.
3. Sit in a meditation before having the conversation. Do a heart-centered practice that opens you to giving and receiving so you are in a good place to speak your feelings.
4. Before you begin to speak, set some boundaries that ensure your safety. This can be explaining that you do not want any advice or that you don’t want to receive anything negative in response to what you will be sharing.
5. When you’re done sharing, express gratitude and appreciation to the listener.

The greatest obstacle you’ll need to overcome when working toward being more vulnerable will be what you’ve learned and been conditioned to believe about opening up in this way. You’ve been bombarded with messaging from the culture and from your smaller world that promotes independence, bucking up, and dealing with your own problems. Asking for help and support is often connected to a deep sense of shame because you believe that you should be able to handle whatever comes your way.
The truth is that it takes a lot more courage to admit weakness than it does to show strength. Be brave and know that no one has ever died from sharing their feelings, but many people have become happier as a result of doing it.

It seems everybody is trying to put women into boxes again, especially athletes, with a resurgence of female sports hitting the airwaves and press this summer in the aftermath of the World Cup and Wimbledon.

The New York Times ran a piece this month about women’s tennis players, and how they can balance their strength with femininity. When victor Serena Williams wore a ballet-pink ball gown to the Wimbledon Champions dinner, people expressed shock that she’d depart from her usually-dominant persona.

And that’s not all. The Guardian quoted the head of coordination for women’s soccer in Brazil, where he indicates there’s been a resurgence in the game because ladies are concerned with getting prettier for games, putting on make-up, doing their hair and wearing shorter shorts. In fact, the FIFA president seemed to echo this sentiment when he insinuated the girls’ shorts simply weren’t tight enough — they might be better volleyball tight. Because that’s a more “female aesthetic.” Apparently.

Of course, we also know actresses and models have long been scrutinized for their weight. Academy Award winner Jennifer Lawrence was told back in her teenage years that if she didn’t lose weight, she’d lose roles. Models like Ashley Graham, Robyn Lawley, Lara Stone and Kate Upton have all fought back against haters, who’ve labeled them fat, plus-size and/or un-bookable.

Confession: I pick apart my own body sometimes. I mean, I look at it in the mirror everyday, as I’m sure you do yours. I don’t like my broad shoulders very much; whether it’s an illusion or not, I feel like anything other than a halter cut or a t-shirt doesn’t sit right. I’d love to have more an hourglass figure, or more of a straight shape — it’s like my body falls somewhere in between, which feels weirdly impossible, yet apparently possible. And like 90 percent of the female population, I’d also kill to have flatter abs. (I mean, come on.)

But I also have a healthy realization that we all have different body hang-ups, we all have different body types, and some self-criticism is normal. Keeping that inner-voice of doubt in check, and the outer-voices that seek to reinforce it, is what’s key.

And ultimately, I take offense to people, especially men or the media, insinuating that feminine beauty comes in one size, one shape and one package — which includes short-shorts and glitter hair accessories on athletes, and a size 0 on actresses. Haven’t we come farther than that as a society yet?

If only the media could see that when they comment negatively or back-handedly on a female body type, they’re essentially critiquing a million other women and girls, too. That’s toxic.

From a personal perspective, I get it. It’s impossible to look at celebrities, athletes and other high-profile women and not make comparisons from your body to theirs on some levels. What I’d challenge you to do is to look a layer beyond the surface judgment. Every time the media shouts out a new celebrity name to comment on her body, look for something that rocks about her figure — and emulate the women with positive body images that you grow to love, and who have frames and styles similar to yours.

My current body-image girl crushes? Serena Williams for defying stereotypes. Kate Upton for embracing her curves. Jane the Virgin actress Gina Rodriguez for celebrating differences and natural beauty. Margot Robbie for admitting she doesn’t have the dieting skills of a saint (and eating the damn cheeseburger). J.Law for her confidence, and Sophia Bush for her candor.

Why I love them all? For a couple reasons. First, they have body types more similar to my own than the average celebrity prototype, and I often look to them to 1) remember that my figure is healthy and beautiful, just the way it is; and 2) get inspiration on how to dress my frame. (They have stylists, so why not?)

And finally, I love these ladies because they all express one thing: it’s best to find happiness, not obsess over fitting the media’s cookie-cutter box of what’s beautiful.

“I’m not going to starve just to be thin. I want to enjoy life, and I can’t do that if I’m not eating and miserable,” Kate Upton once uttered.

“The world has this idea that if you don’t look like an airbrushed perfect model… you have to see past it. You look how you look, you have to be comfortable,” Jennifer Lawrence has said.

“Do not tell me that I am not pretty enough, skinny enough, tall enough, this enough to be on the cover of anything or to accomplish the lead in a show or to be anybody I want to be — because those are limitations we’ve created,” Gina Rodriguez once said.

Don’t limit yourself to silly ideas of what’s in style, who’s pretty and what bodies are acceptable — whether you’re an athlete or an actress, a writer or absolutely anyone else. Find beauty everywhere instead.

Burnout is nature’s way of telling you, you’ve been going through the motions your soul has departed; you’re a zombie, a member of the walking dead, a sleepwalker. False optimism is like administering stimulants to an exhausted nervous system. “Fire in the Belly: On Being A Man”
Burnout is becoming increasingly common in today’s workforce. Burnout is a feeling of dread and anxiety that begins in your workplace and ends up seeping into every aspect of your life. Not only is burnout emotional, but it also affects you physically and mentally due to overwork, demanding situations and instances where the outcome didn’t turn out as expected (Mind Tools). Burnout can affect relationships and your health in the blink of an eye so it is wildly important that you be on the lookout for the common signs.
Taking preventative measures can be incredibly helpful, but a lot of times you need to focus on coping. Stress is usually the main reason for burnout so, although it’s normal to feel mild stress, if it becomes all consuming this is extremely problematic.

9 Signs Of Burnout

1. Fatigue: An overwhelming desire to lay on your couch with a snuggie and box of pizza.
2. Lack of excitement: No longer do you get thrilled by sample sales or trips to the winery.
3. Pessimism: You’re lying at the pool and it’s too sunny, too hot, and the beer doesn’t taste quite right.
4.  Lack of focus: Your favorite series premiere came on, but you’re more focused on the crack in the ceiling than the big reveal.
5. Work decline: When your job performance slips from amazing to awful.
6. Withdrawal: When people have to say your name fifty times before you process they’re not talking to your pet rock.
7. Lack of personal care: Yoga pants are always a chill idea, but not when it’s for the fifth day in a row.
8. Bringing work life to your home life: Instead of ordering your favorite cocktail for your Sunday brunch you accidentally order a copy of your social media outreach spreadsheet. Well, that just got awkward.
9. Health decline: Before running three miles was a breeze, now it’s a miracle if you can take the stairs without falling into a heap.

How To Avoid It

1. Slow and steady wins the race: Look at the bigger picture of your goal. Although, it may seem like the best idea to put in a quadruple amount of overtime to get ahead you also need to remember that “you” time is important. Success doesn’t happen overnight, so don’t force it. And what’s the point of missing out on that float trip? If you’re so involved with your work you’re going to miss the surrounding lifeblood around you.
2. Pump some iron: Studies show that exercise is one of the BEST ways to reduce stress and keep one healthy. So grab your cutest Lululemon gear, press play on your favorite workout playlist, and go for a jog. Once you’re done you’ll feel happier and probably more fulfilled.
3. Indulge: Like we said before, “you” time is mega important. It’s important to indulge on the weekends. Turn off your work computer and don’t worry, your phone won’t all of a sudden disintegrate if you ignore it for an hour.
4. Namaste: Managing stress is crucial if you’re going to avoid the burnout bug. Take a yoga class, read a self-help book, even going for a stroll outside can help reduce those stress levels. *HUUUUUM*
5. Early bird gets the worm: Time management is key. If you’re feeling overworked try spreading it out over a longer period of time. Waking up an hour early can do wonders for your productivity. Enjoying the silence with some coffee and early morning sunshine makes that to-do list not quite so ugly.

Recovering from Work Burnout

1. Vacation: A vacation is a great first step in recovering from work burnout. It’s crucial to disengage yourself from the problem at hand. Going on a vacation is the best way to refresh yourself and breath life into your daily habits. Wiggle your toes in that white sand and sure, why not have a second mai tai.
2. Lists: Next make a list of your work goals. What was your intention when you accepted this position? Have you reached your goals or made any headway? Are you strutting your stuff or still in that dusty corner cubicle?
3. No Means No: Learn to say no. When you overcommit this can lead to a burnout. Just say, “No Margery, I will not take on your 30-hour project.”
4. Reprioritize: Discover what really matters to you. If your job is no longer making you happy see if there’s ways you can shift and refocus. If not then maybe it’s time to look into other jobs. No harm in looking. I mean LinkedIn was created for a reason.
5. Be Positive: This is A LOT easier said than done, but once you start it becomes easier. When you feel like you’re at a breaking point try to step outside, grab a drink, and just clear your head. You know what that feeling is? Yes, that’s the feeling of happiness.
Work burnout is a very real and frustrating problem, but if you follow some of these tips and create a good support system you can get out of this slump in no time at all.

As human beings we thrive on predictability, and pride ourselves on being the fortune-tellers of our own futures. By predicting the future, and basing our safety and security on our ability to “know” what the future holds we bind our anxiety and deny the reality of life.

In truth, life is unpredictable, unknowable, and impossible to control. As a result we are sometimes blindsided and vehemently hit on the back of the head with the 2×4 of life’s randomness.

When I was 40 years old, I received a breast cancer diagnosis. Then, one year later, my husband announced he no longer wanted to be married. Since then I continue to find myself riding the waves of unexpected loss, and uninvited challenges that life organically brings.

When life throws its curveballs, and the world you thought you knew gets ripped out from under you, there are ways to cope and lessons to be learned. Confronting the realities of what it means to be a human being living on this earth is inevitable for all of us, but it is possible to get through unscathed. You can become a good soldier by having a protocol for dealing with what comes your way as you make the best of what feels like the worst.

First you’ll need to know that there are a few specific phases you’ll journey through as you recover from the experience of becoming untethered from what you thought was your life.

Shock

The initial blow is startling and puts you in a state of shock. You are learning very quickly that surprises are not always fun, and that when you experience an unexpected change in your life it triggers a powerful physiological response that organically comes with high levels of stress and fear. The shock usually passes within weeks creating more space for other thoughts and feelings to surface.

Disillusionment

In this phase you’re struggling with the reality of what’s happening. You’re trying to reconcile what you expected with your current truth, and part of that process is letting go of the illusions that we all create to feel safe in the world. This is where you say things like, “I never thought this would happen” or “This feels surreal.”

Disorientation

Grappling with the how’s and why’s is an inevitable part of this process. Having your world go up in flames is disorienting particularly when you don’t know where you’re going to land. The uncertainty that comes with unexpected change leaves you with no solid ground so it’s normal to feel adrift and lost as you work toward understanding that you have stumbled into a life challenge you didn’t see coming.

Coping in the immediate aftermath of a life crisis is very specific. You’ll transition into other phases as you move through the process of recovery, but the initial blow and immediate traumatic response are often overlooked and bypassed because it all happens so quickly.

Slowing down and really laying a foundational system in the very beginning sets the tone for how things will unfold going forward.

An important aspect of this kind of treatment is to truly mark the beginning point of healing. There has to be a definitive moment of when the trauma ends, and the healing begins. Without this specific awareness, intentions aren’t clear and you stumble through as opposed to creating a conscious journey.

Believe it or not, it’s possible to begin when there’s no end it site. When you’re ready, and the time is right, you’ll begin putting these coping mechanisms into place:

1.     Get Centered

It’s easy to get swept up in the chaos when your life is falling apart. Avoid losing all of your bearings by grounding yourself in healing routines and practices. Start by committing to a daily practice that plants you firmly on this earth so you start each day with a sense of connection to yourself or something greater. Journaling, art, meditation, dance and exercise are all wonderful centering practices.

2.     Become a Pill Bug

I’m sure you’ve seen how pill bugs curl up and retreat into their shell the minute you touch them. Think of yourself in the same way because you’re vulnerable right now and need to protect yourself. This is a time to retreat as much as you can even though you’ll expect yourself to go on with life as normal. Practicing self-care and honoring your trauma are key components of coming out the other side stronger and more resilient later on.

3.     Step Back

When your life is out of control your first impulse will be to “do something”. Of course there will be some issues that need immediate attention, but in general taking the time to step back and really take in the magnitude of your situation will help you gain clarity about next steps. This isn’t a time to make rash decisions or rush into solutions. Allowing the pieces and remnants of your life to land organically will give you a good sense of what you need to do next. Practice patience and trust that the process will unfold as it is intended to. This is a practice of letting go where it makes sense.

You have the capacity to learn and grow from any challenge in your life if you allow that to happen. Big challenges in life make you a deeper and more evolved person as you come to understand your own strength and resilience. Trust that you have what you need to survive, but never under-estimate the magnitude of what you’re facing.

When I first went back to graduate school to get my Ph.D., I worried about my ability to perform, and whether I was smart enough to take on that kind of education. I spent quite a bit of my young adult life feeling stupid, and conditioning myself into believing that I just wasn’t a smart person. As a result, my self-confidence suffered, and I just wasn’t sure if I had what it would take to get the degree I really wanted.

After one brief semester of graduate school, I learned that I had something very special that I had never acknowledged as being valuable or useful.

As I began learning about emotional life, and how affected we all are by our life experiences, I quickly realized that I was jam packed with a kind of knowledge that was much more powerful than anything I could ever learn in a book. I was storing a huge amount of untapped wisdom that I had been unknowingly collecting my entire life.

As I sifted through the mud that had been layered on top of my inner world, I began to uncover the valuable nuggets of emotional wisdom that had remained dormant for so long.

Like a tumbleweed gathering debris as it rolls, you have been collecting emotional experiences and pieces of wisdom throughout your life. Each experience you have fills you up in the same way your brain absorbs information from a book. Everything that happens to you provides the opportunity for wisdom, and a deeper understanding of the self. The effort and ability to understand your feelings and the impact of your life experiences increases your emotional intelligence, and ultimately makes you wiser.

In your daily life you probably ignore your feelings. Whether it’s due to a lack of awareness or a need to repress what you don’t want to feel, you’re missing out on some very important information that you need for success in your life.

What you feel is directly correlated with how you behave. If you’re not in tune with your emotional life, than you’re at risk of irrationally reacting to others and living only your partial truth. Your feelings offer an incredible amount of information.

If you feel unappreciated at work, this emotion might be sending you the data you need to set some firmer boundaries or that you need to re-evaluate where you are in your career. If you feel lonely or distant from your partner, then you may want to listen to your emotions and get under the hood of your relationship to figure out what’s going on.

In the same way your receive physical signs and symptoms from your physical body that alert you to something being off, your attunement to your emotional symptoms will help you take care of yourself and tend to issues before they become problematic. If you’re disconnected from your emotional life this doesn’t mean there’s a deficit in you; it’s a deficiency in your emotional development.

You first learned about your feelings when you were very small. If you were lucky enough to grow up with sensitive and emotionally aware parents, then you would have had the good fortune to have your feelings accurately reflected back to you. This would mean that when you felt angry and threw a toy, someone was on hand to label that emotion for you so you could learn to identify it in the future.  Or when you felt sad, someone was available to hold you and affirm that the feeling was real and valid so that when it surfaced again you would know that it was a valuable communication from your own body.

Reversely, if you grew up in an environment where emotions were undervalued, then your fluidity in the language of feeling would have become limited. You were wired and born to feel, but the ability to make sense of those feelings depended on the skill of your teachers.

As you live in the world today you can become more intimately acquainted with your emotional life in many ways.

I encourage a three-step process that lays the foundation for tapping into your inner emotional wisdom.

1.     Become Curious

The beginning of any learning has to start with an open mind, and a natural curiosity. Maintaining a childlike wonderment about your feelings will allow you to relate to your emotional life more compassionately. As you develop a greater interest in yourself, and what drives your experience of the world, you’ll increase your emotional intelligence and you’ll begin to feel more empowered to deal with life’s challenges.

2.     Deep Dive

In the same way there is a whole world of life living under the ocean waters, your emotional life lurks beneath your consciousness. You’ll get bits and pieces of it as feelings get triggered and rise to the surface when activated, but the greater bounty will require you to dig and dive deeper into the unknown. This happens in therapy or through working with a guide who can safely take you where you need to go.

3.     Add Vocals

Your emotions are a symphony and you have to put voice to the music. Labeling your feelings and expressing them verbally when they surface is an important part of this process.  Even the most primitive and fundamental emotions like anger and joy are hard to express when they have never been verbally acknowledged. You were born crying because you are evolutionarily wired to verbally express yourself. As you become more comfortable with verbal expression you come to realize that it’s easier to get your needs met by others, and that you feel a deeper sense of intimacy in your life.

This kind of self-exploration isn’t for the faint of heart. It takes courage and strength to look inward with such intensity, but the payoff is a greater sense of wholeness and authenticity. Earning your degree in emotional intelligence will be the best investment you ever make.

The first time I heard about Disney Pixar’s new animated film, “Inside Out,” I was, shall we say, skeptical. A kid’s movie about talking emotions? I wondered if, and how, that premise could possibly be fleshed out into a feature film.

Fast forward a month or so, and I sit in a dark theater, surrounded by children, all of us on the edges of our seats, but for very different reasons. While they are captivated by characters in peril and reverse-serendipitous cases of bad timing, I am enthralled by the parallel between the narrative playing out in front of me, and a counseling technique I teach to my nutrition clients every day.

It feels, in a way, almost too obvious to conclude that a movie taking place in a little girl’s brain can teach us a lot about mindfulness, but then, that is essentially what  mindfulness is all about: clearing away all of life’s distractions and focusing on the simple, beautifully obvious truths before us.

Mindfulness can be applied to any aspect of your life, but I find it particularly useful when working on habits related to food and nutrition. Food, I tell my clients, is rarely about the food. We eat for so many reasons: celebration and sadness; boredom and nervousness; anger and betrayal. We eat as though to smother these uncomfortable emotions in a blanket of Ben and Jerry’s; as though comfort, reprieve, and joy are buried at the bottom of that tub of chicken wings. And we do it all without much thought at all.

What if, however, instead of trying to ignore these complicated feelings, we were to zoom out and observe them instead? When we personify emotions the way that “Inside Out” does so effortlessly, we walk down a path of self-awareness and understanding.

Let’s take a look at how this works. Close your eyes and picture a stressful day at work. You’re late because of gridlock traffic, there is a surprise meeting, a co worker falls through on a project, you work through lunch to catch up, and leave the office at 5p.m. feeling like you have been confined by those four walls for a near century. You finally get home with barely enough energy to change into comfortable clothes. Maybe you trip on a child’s toy. Maybe you forgot to defrost something for dinner that morning. Maybe a half dozen other things pile onto your shoulders. There is a box of cookies in the cabinet. You tell yourself you deserve them. Five minutes later, the box is empty, and you feel guilty and stuffed – an even worse combination than the exhaustion and stress from before (which, by the way, are still lurking in the background somewhere).

Phew! I feel drained just imagining that scenario. Now, let’s change some things around. You still have the same crummy day at work. You still come home to more aggravation, and those cookies still call your name.  You still think to yourself, I deserve them. But wait! A red flag goes up. What is really going on here? Before you reach for the cookies, you go into a quiet room and sit down. You close your eyes and imagine the emotions inside your head, just like in the movie. Who is in the driver’s seat today? Is it Anger? Sadness? Fear? If the red flag didn’t fly until after the box of cookies was empty, is Disgust chiming in (perhaps with Mindy Kaling’s sassy voice, just like in the movie)?  Try to imagine them as separate entities from the rest of you, and explore those thoughts and emotions with curiosity rather than judgment.

When we think of our emotions as colorful doppelgangers (narration by iconic celebrities optional) we are reminded that we are more than any one emotion or reaction. We are not “bad” when we eat cake or “good” when we eat salad. We are not failures when we eat more of something than we originally intended. We are simply human beings who sometimes need comfort, sometimes need sustenance, and too often have been taught to conflate the two. As we practice this mindful way of considering the triggers that drive us to eat, whether it be stress, boredom, habit, or hunger, we gain a stronger sense of self and a more comprehensive toolbox to face all of the situations life throws at us.

And you thought you just bought a ticket to see a children’s movie.

Over the years, writing about health and fitness, I’ve talked to tons of trainers and athletes about their workout habits, tips and tricks. And after all my anecdotal research, I’ve come to one conclusion:

Pretty much everyone has days when they’d rather do anything but workout.

You’re tired. You’re hungry. You’ve been working too much. It’s that time of month. You have a headache. The pillow is calling. The TV is calling. Your cat is calling… Should I keep going?

The key to exercise consistency is crowding out those excuses with the right motivational system. Here are some ways you can prompt yourself to hit the treadmill, trail, bike, or field. Really, it’s not as hard as you think.

Tip 1: Toss any ugly, uncomfortable gear.

I was recently talking to a super-marathoner—which means she’s a gamer, guys. She regularly signs up for races in excess of 30 miles. She will even run races up to 100 miles (!!). And you know how she motivates herself to train? Just like I do, actually: by buying the best, coolest, cutest outfits possible. Fashion mavens, don’t lie. You know great clothes are all you need to up your workout game.

This tip isn’t just for the trendsetters, though. Comfort is essential. Throw away any items that are too small or don’t stay in place, swapping them with workout gear that feels as good as it looks.

If your clothes don’t fit well, you’re not gonna wanna to workout. If you look good and feel good before get up and move it, move it? You’ll enjoy yourself more, and you’ll be more likely to workout every single day.

Tip 2: Sleep in your workout clothes.

Getting a workout in before you officially start your day is the surest way to make sure you don’t skip it; let’s face it, after you spend the day at the office or chasing kids, exercise will be the first thing to fall off your plate. But changing from your PJs to your workout wear for that a.m. run? Oddly taxing.

Don’t give yourself any reasons to hit snooze. Try sleeping in those comfy workout clothes you bought (see tip No. 1), keeping your running shoes right next to your bed. The process is then this: wake up, lace up, go. No excuses.

Tip 3: Break it up.

Sometimes, though, I get it. You’re busy. Maybe it’s been a long day at work, a long weekend, or you just couldn’t fit your entire workout in before you had to start your day.

I often feel best when I break up my exercise into manageable chunks throughout the day. If your schedule is tight, try doing 30 minutes in the morning. Then at lunch, take a 15-minute power walk if you have some downtime. Do another 15 minutes when you get home before dinner—and then another 15 minutes after you fuel up on a meal.

Guess what? You just notched a whole hour of exercise! Plus, it’s better to keep moving throughout the day anyway; research has shown getting the recommended 45-minute block of physical activity daily isn’t enough to counter the health issues associated with sedentary lifestyle, like heart disease and type-2 diabetes. When in doubt, move your feet. Every hour, if possible. It all adds up and keeps your metabolism chuggin’.

Tip 4: Use “rewards” effectively.

Did you know there are lots of different kinds of rewards? Yup! According to Harvard Business Review, using that motivational system effectively can help you get stuff done—including those oh-so painful workouts, as I’ll explain.

Try using three different kinds of rewards to fuel your exercise game: regenerative, concurrent, and cumulative. Regenerative rewards are those that help keep your energy up for a challenge; so allow yourself a healthy snack or 20-minute power nap before your workout. Concurrent are rewards you get while you’re completing that tough task; so, yes, you can feel free to binge-watch some Scandal while you’re on the treadmill. Cumulative rewards are those you rack up with time; try setting aside $1 for every day you exercise, and eventually you’ll be able to withdraw that dough and treat yourself to a gift for your ongoing workout consistency.

Trust me. Rewarding yourself like a champ will make that hour-long workout way more fun.

Tip 5: Mix it up and make it social.

Lots of people get into the habit of doing the same workout over and over, over and over. This isn’t a good idea for a couple reasons. First of all, the more you exercise the same way, your body gets used to the workout. You’ll build up strength and endurance to complete that specific set of exercises, and you’re going to stop seeing results. You may hit a plateau.

Secondly, you might bore yourself right out of your routine. If your motivation to get up and get moving is waning, it’s time to mix it up. Enlist a pal to keep you accountable, and join a gym or yoga class. Get involved in a team sport, like soccer or softball, to supplement your runs and weight work. Basically: have fun!

Workouts don’t have to be so serious. At the end of the day, if you’re not having fun, you’re doing it wrong. #Protip.

Many of us are superwomen; We are the women who feel and desire to live up to the expectations and pressures to do it all. We are the women who work hard and are totally dedicated to juggling multiple roles in lives: careers, marriages, family, and friends.

We are women hear us roar! We can do it all!

It can feel amazing to be successful and needed, and there’s a great sense of satisfaction and happiness associated with being able to do it all.  On the flip side, being a superwoman can cause feelings of being overworked, overwhelmed with life, stressed, alone, and at times even depressed.

Does any of this sound like you? I am here to admit I am a superwoman, and I am not perfect. If you’re still debating, let’s get a little deeper into the characteristics of a true superwoman.

Being a Perfectionist: Superwomen desire to be seen as “good” inside and out. They strive for perfection in how they look, speak and perform in an effort to be seen as good enough. Being judged as good is important for their sense of worth.  People-pleasing is often a habit because being liked is vital to a superwoman’s reputation and to them internally.  A superwoman needs to feel loved and that they fit in.

How do we fix this? We superwomen need to first take time to love ourselves and base our self-worth on actually liking ourselves first and foremost. We need to realize that, hey, we are still loved and appreciated even when we are doing nothing at all.

Recognition is Your Drug: Accomplishments bring recognition, and for superwomen, recognition is the drug of choice. The more we achieve, the more recognition we receive, the more we want to achieve. It’s a vicious cycle.

Once more, superwomen need to practice being loved without depending on someone else’s approval. We need to be proud of who we are, and what we do, this should be enough.

Control Freak: Asking for help for superwomen doesn’t happen often. This I know firsthand. Why is this? Why can’t we allow others to help us?  This can come from a fear that no one can do it better than we can.  That leaves us with having too little trust to give up any control and allow others to help.  It can also come from guilt or a sense of failure of not being able to do something on our own.

We can start to resolve this simply by asking others to help, and to trust that they will get it done. It’s all about letting go of control, and trusting in the process, in yourself, and those around you.

Just Say NO: Superwomen are afraid that if they say NO they will not be wanted or liked. Saying NO may make another person angry or upset, and this is not a good feeling for us superwomen. We over-function as way to control conflict.

We superwomen must learn to say NO. We  must learn to share what we want and what we don’t want with those around us.

Over Driven: There is no accomplishment that is too big or to small; we will go for it, complete it, and strive for more. Superwomen are driven to be the best business owners and employees, best friends, best moms and best wives. I’m exhausted just thinking about it all.

We need to learn how to just “be.” If this is as hard for you as it is for me, I feel your pain.  To just be, I’d have to be whisked off to a far off destination that includes a beach and no Wi-Fi, zero connection with the world.

Let the Walls Down: Superwomen may appear confident, but there are secret insecurities. Superwomen tend to feel loved only when performing and being perfect. We have a difficult time asking for help and speaking our true feelings. We control our lives through staying in our own minds and needing to be in control. Does any of this sound familiar? It can be difficult for loved ones to love a superwoman because she sees vulnerability and surrender as a loss of control.

How do we fix this? We superwomen need to learn to surrender control and express our feelings That means everything ladies – sadness, anger, exhaustion, confusion, fear, happiness, love, joy, the whole gamut! This will help those around you to better understand what it is you are needing and to be able to meet your needs. This will allow others to love and support you fully and completely.

Difficulty Receiving: Giving keeps us superwomen in a position of power which we equate to control. However, if we are always giving, then it’s not possible to feel appreciated enough, which causes us to often times see everyone as coming up short. This can create chronic conflict in relationships because no one can feel they measure up to our superwoman expectations.

We need to remind ourselves how good it feels to give.  There is often guilt associated with receiving, which comes down to worth, and so what better way to learn self-love than to learn to receive? Can I get an Amen!

Superwomen are amazingly fabulous women who love deeply, give generously, and have a tremendous need for belonging and love. Learning to receive, follow and express their authentic self can heal this need for freakish control.

Do you know why you have a need for so much control? Superwomen controls mostly because of being afraid things will fall apart and she will shatter. Take a minute to ponder that one.  It is great to be and feel successful, needed and appreciated, and it is equally as important to learn to just be, to receive, and to be able to follow rather than lead.

For most of the women in America, body peace belongs to the young. When I was in grade school, middle school, even high school, I rarely thought about my body in terms of the way it looked.

Frankly, it just flat-out didn’t matter. I was an athlete, and my body served a real purpose in my day-to-day life. I could swing a bat. I could shoot a basketball. I could run sprints. For those reasons, I almost always viewed my body in a positive light.

But that innocence didn’t last long. As you’re well aware, new media and pop culture turn women into objects. And the moment we reach the point of no return in terms of physical maturity, ready or not, we’re picked apart and put back together in a manner designed to compromise our self-worth.

I noticed a shift in how the world seemed to view me when I started interacting and functioning primarily in the adult world. I was growing up, and subsequently growing into myself. I just didn’t realize these subtle-yet-significant shifts as they were happening. Then, I blew out 21 candles and watched my world — and body image — change.

I’d get compliments on my lipstick color, or on my cute little shift dress. Some guy would whistle at me on the street, or eye my body conspicuously. Suddenly, showing skin in the summer made me want to hide under a rock. And added up, I didn’t like any of it.

This shift is inevitable and unavoidable for most women. Bodies change as they reach maturity, and our world is conditioned to notice that. Uncomfortable attention makes you think about your body and your worth all the time, where your meaning is derived and what’s most important in life.

Either consciously or subconsciously, it’s the recipe for a existential crisis. Science has proven the prettiest people climb life’s ladder quicker, are viewed as healthier, and earn more money. (And then we wonder why there are a million articles dedicated to improving our looks, getting a taut body like Gisele or perfect hair like Duchess Kate.) It’s impossible not to stack yourself up against a million others, wondering where you fall on the beauty’s fleeting and unforgiving totem poll.

So, the negative thoughts come creeping in. You’re not the cookie-cutter ideal. Sorry! Your thighs are too big, your shoulders are too broad. Your hair never falls just right, your complexion is never totally clear. Your arms have too much flab, your forehead’s a little too tall… something. We can preach body love and acceptance to everyone else, but too many women carry the weight of their own body’s flaws with them everyday.

I know that I did, for a long time. It wasn’t until I talked to body-image and self-empowerment guru Jess Weiner several years ago that I learned the real secret to body peace — whether you’re age 10 or 110, whether you’re a size 2 or 22.

This simple self-worth lesson has stuck with me; a tiny bit of advice among the thousands of pieces I’ve received from experts over the course of my career.

Healthy body image is about an attitude of gratitude.

That’s right. We have to stop worrying about how bodies look, instead appreciating how they work. Can your legs move, allowing you to climb stairs or kick a soccer ball? Can your arms help you lift up your son, or move those heavy boxes? Can you breathe in fresh air, filling your lungs with air and flooding your organs with oxygen? Are you alive? Then you have something for which to thank your body, not criticize it.

I think Jess’ secret is why I had such healthy self-esteem as a kid, and watched it dwindle as I got older: I stopped appreciating what my body did, instead focusing on how my body looked while doing it — especially to others. Women are conditioned to do this. But it is undeniably toxic, my dears. It will destroy your well-being.

So, next time you have a negative thought about your body, I challenge you to do this:

Stop yourself immediately. Replace the negative thought about your arms/skin/calves/ankles/fill-in-the-blank with a positive one. Make it about what your body does for you, instead of how it looks.

And then work on strengthening your body and your mind everyday, instead of changing it. You’re beautiful, as is. It’s not about looking perfect, or fitting into a certain number on the dress tag. It’s about being healthy, being alive and being present in every moment. The stronger you can make your body through diet and exercise, the more you can do and the better you will feel. That’s a fact.

I have a chronic pain condition, and my body and I are at odds quite a bit. But I’ve made peace with it. It’s not a perfect process, and, sure, I have days when my jeans are a little tight or I can’t leave the house because of a nasty headache. (Ugh.) But it’s in those moments that I now realize we need positivity most. I try to remember that with each passing year and each passing day, no matter my body’s size or shape.

So? Cut yourself some slack. Embrace your strong legs that run, bright eyes that see, and grumbling stomach that fuels you up. Laugh a lot. Love yourself. And don’t feed negativity, lest it suffocate your happiness and peace.

Instead, live like no one else is watching. Something Jess told me three years ago: “A body is to live in, not just a vessel to be admired and adorned.” Never forget that.