Tag: mind

Happiness is self-contentedness. — Aristotle

I was driving to work the other day, and I was happy, unapologetically so. I recently moved into the city and was overjoyed to avoid the 45-minute traffic jam. The buildings were older, the trees mature, and there was a bustle that just felt fresh.

I was envisioning a future where I’d bike to work, take my daughter to the park, and spend lazy Saturdays exploring new markets and restaurants. But then I stopped myself. Is this where I really wanted to be? I never wanted to live in St. Louis. I had set my sights on Colorado, northern California, Washington… Why was I suddenly feeling so content?

Was I becoming complacent?

This terrified me, and my happy mood instantly plummeted, urging me to yearn for the next best thing. As I expressed these feelings to a friend, it hit me: Maybe I’m scared to be happy.

There’s a popular sentiment that we should always be striving to better ourselves, physically, financially, and emotionally. There is always room for improvement, and while pursuing excellence is typically healthy, it can be terribly harmful when taken to an extreme.

Being content means accepting where you are with happiness. Being complacent means settling for circumstances that are less than ideal. I was fearful that being happy was going to keep me in this place forever. But would it really be that bad? I had become so obsessed with plans I’d constructed in college that instead of moving me forward they were actually holding me back.

Being content doesn’t mean you’re settling, it means that you’re mature enough to enjoy individual moments in life, whether big or small, planned or unplanned. It means that the horizon is not always out of your grasp; you can actually touch it and marvel within its beauty.

Social psychologist, speaker, and author Heidi Grant Halvorson has explained how contentment and happiness evolve over time: “Research suggests…that [happiness] slowly evolves into something very different from our youthful idea of happiness. Happiness for the young is largely about anticipating the joys of new accomplishments…as we grow older, we find that happiness becomes more and more about being content in our current circumstances, and hanging on to what we’ve already got.”

Many other psychologists agree that happiness isn’t a feeling, but is more accurately described as having a sense of contentedness.

Why wait till our youth has passed us by to be satisfied with what’s before us? Our mental health is a work in progress, and although it’s important to be introspective, happiness shouldn’t make us feel guilty either. Every day we grapple with the challenges of attaining happiness. It can be a rocky path for some. So cherish those good moments and don’t let them be plagued by fear or self-doubt. Your body and mind will thank you later.

Starting at an early age, society places a lot of pressure on women to look a certain way.

Magazines, television, and the internet are full of flawless women with perfectly toned abs, long legs, and backsides you could bounce a quarter off of. These societal ideals are sometimes so unrealistic that it can be easy for young girls to quickly lose self-esteem and feel as if they don’t measure up.

Often when we try to pursue unrealistic expectations, anxiety increases and the effort to lose weight and get fit begins to add to the stresses of life instead of relieving them. Getting in shape should be about the desire to live a healthy lifestyle and making yourself feel better. It should not be about trying to replicate the airbrushed model on a magazine cover at the grocery store.

Here are three ways to empower and emancipate yourself from society’s idealistic body-image pressures.

1. It is scientifically proven!  

Research shows that stress can keep us from losing weight, and on the flip side might even cause more weight gain. Even when we are eating well and exercising, an excessive amount of stress can counteract all of our good efforts. That’s why it’s so important to combine both fitness and wellness together. By reducing stress and increasing relaxation we can actually significantly improve our weight loss efforts. Practice relaxation techniques like meditation, yoga, and deep breathing to keep your mind healthy and balanced.

2. When you look good, you feel good!

This is so true, and you know it. You’ve been working your butt off in the gym, eating a healthy clean diet, and there you are strutting your stuff in front of the bathroom mirror saying, “Damn, girl. Lookin’ good!” The best part of it is that you are doing it for yourself.

Self-esteem rises when you improve your image on your terms. I am a big believer in fitness and wellness journaling. Keeping track of what you eat and daily exercise holds you accountable. Hang it on the fridge, share it with friends and family, and they can help hold you to your goals too! It’s a win-win!  Every team should have a cheering section.

3. Improving your looks improves your health!

Working out and eating healthy foods will make you feel better because your body will be functioning better than ever. When you feel good, you also look good. Your energy levels will increase and you will be ready to take on the world.

Looking good and feeling good at the same time is the goal! Are you ready to take back your power? Are you ready to be the best possible version of yourself you can be? I know I am! Enjoy your healthy new lifestyle knowing that this a journey, not a diet or fad.  This is all about empowering us as women and letting our true selves shine.

According to YouTube, 300 hours of video are uploaded every minute. And 45 percent of the people posting those videos are uploading footage that features an animal—usually a cat. If you’re not one of the suppliers, odds are you’re a consumer. With more than two million videos and 26 billion views, cats are one of YouTube’s biggest categories. No one can say for sure, but pet food giant Friskies estimates that cat videos account for 15 percent of all Internet traffic (and I’m estimating that, singlehandedly, I’m responsible for at least another 10 percent, streaming videos on Netflix and binge watching House of Cards, 24, Dexter, The Blacklist, The Walking Dead, and a bunch of others).
So don’t feel bad if you’ve indulged in a few (or a few hundred) cat vids. They’re incredibly addicting. I’m not really a cat person, but this article took at least two hours longer to write than it usually does because I got sucked into the black hole inhabited by Grumpy Cat, Henri the French-speaking existentialist, Maru the Japanese box diver, and dozens of their mewing buddies.
Turns out that cat videos are more than just a guilty pleasure (and by “guilty,” I really do mean guilty. A lot of time people spend on their in-cat-uation is time they should have been doing something else—like working or studying). In fact, it may actually be good for you.
Researchers have consistently found that physically interacting with pets can have some very significant, positive effects on patients’ physical and emotional health. A variety of studies show a correlation between pet therapy and decreases in anxiety and depression, reduced behavioral problems, and lowered blood pressure and heart rate. But petting an animal who’s sitting on your lap is quite a bit different than going online and watching one jump onto a chandelier or run around the house with a paper bag over her head. Or is it?
Jessica Gall Myrick, a professor at Indiana University’s Media School, set out to answer that question. She surveyed nearly 7,000 cat-media consumers and found that after watching feline videos, people felt more energetic and experienced fewer negative emotions (annoyance, anxiety, and sadness) and more positive ones (contentment, happiness, and hope).
Myrick, whose results were recently published in the journal Computers in Human Behavior, also found that the increase in positive emotions was more than enough to offset the feelings of guilt people felt when they’d used cat videos as a procrastination tool. “Even if they are watching cat videos on YouTube to procrastinate or while they should be working, the emotional pay-off may actually help people take on tough tasks afterward,” Myrick said in a press release. Sharing those videos helped too, making “what had seemed like a waste of time a more worthwhile endeavor—the spreading of cheer and goodwill to others.”
People who tend to be more agreeable or shy are more likely than others to watch vids, as are cat owners. Interestingly, only a quarter of the videos people watch are ones they actually go looking for. The rest they stumble upon by chance.

As much as we’d rather not admit it, we all know what it feels like to hold a grudge. It’s a different breed of anger; a gnawing kind that quietly lingers under the surface while the outside appears otherwise contained.
A grudge is not that instant implosion you feel in your core when someone does something truly horrific that moment. It’s a deep, slow simmering that reemerges in your chest whenever you see the object of your wrath: a person who wronged you, perhaps hasn’t apologized, and maybe doesn’t even know you were ever upset.
Oh, and it’s totally unhealthy, too.
“All the data we know of, in regards to health and the effects of chronic anger, hostility can lead to heart disease and other issues, like depressed mood,” says Kristen Carpenter, Ph.D, a psychologist and the director of Women’s Behavioral Health at Ohio State’s Wexner Medical Center. “Even those with no history of heart issues are likely to develop them.”
Here’s how it all works: The more often you’re angry, or the longer you hold onto those feelings of unrest, the higher your stress level. When you’re under stress, your body gets a surge of cortisol to help you combat the effects of the stressor, suppressing nonessential functions like immune response and better enabling your body to utilize glucose. You’re essentially in a modern-day “fight or flight” mode.
Normally, though, this effect is short-lived. Except when it’s chronic. In that case, high levels of cortisol never shut off, throwing your system into a tailspin, leaving you prone to problems like heart disease, weight gain, anxiety and depression.
Carpenter says you can’t necessarily prove a cause-and-effect relationship between holding a grudge and medical issues, but the links between anger, stress and poor health are there. “The findings hold, regardless over other risk factors,” says Carpenter. “Holding a grudge is stressful. If you see the person everyday, it’s a constant trigger — activated frequently, on top of other daily hassles.”
The research indicates clear correlations. This study in the journal Circulation, for instance, showed men and women prone to anger were at increased risk of coronary heart disease and death. Another example? A 2007 article published in JAMA shows how chronic stress can lead to higher blood pressure, which, over time, can lead to issues like heart attack and stroke.
To let go of these grudges, Carpenter prescribes two potential solutions: a change in perspective or open communication.
“Communication really is an important piece,” she says. “People are always reticent to talk about difficult things. Sometimes with our closest others, it may be easier — but with a friend or a boss, it can be hard. It’s emotional, which doesn’t always feel appropriate.”
And bottom line?
Admitting we’ve been hurt puts us in a vulnerable position emotionally. A place not many of us willingly want to be. Carpenter says asking yourself how you can have a conversation about the issue at hand that’s productive is important. Don’t just rehash the issue and your feelings. Work on solutions to the issue.
The other way to deal with a grudge is to shift your perspective. “Maybe you just need to let it go, or work around it,” says Carpenter. “Ask yourself: is this an actual problem or a frustration?”
Especially in career contexts, with colleagues and bosses, making adjustments on your own can release a lot of anger surrounding life’s many unchangeable acquaintances. “A problem impairs you in some way. It is solvable, and you should be able to make active steps and take action,” says Carpenter. For instance, a member of your team at work is consistently not delivering her assignments, forcing everyone to work harder — and look bad in front of the boss.
A frustration might be that a team member consistently turns in work later than you’d like it. “In this case, how is ruminating helping?” Carpenter says. “Sometimes, you must accept that you cannot change others’ behavior and adapt your strategies accordingly.” For instance, you may find other work you can chip away at while you wait for her to send over her assignment.
If all else fails, reevaluate. “If it’s constantly causing you stress, you may have to ask if it’s the right relationship, friendship or job for you,” says Carpenter.
Just don’t hold a grudge, or hold onto anger. Your heart and health will thank you.

I’m supposed to look like what?

I have this thought every time I see altered celeb photos or even personal images on social media. It’s amazing what you can do with Photoshop. What’s really sad is that many people believe these flawless and often unrealistic images are real.

Body honesty is one of my new favorite trends. It’s finally killing Photoshop, as women stand up for themselves. It’s nice seeing real women who look like real women instead of like Barbie dolls.

Flawless Need Not Apply

I would love to see a single person raise their hand if their body is 100% flawless. No takers? I didn’t think so. Take a good look at a celebrity’s retouched photo in a magazine and now look at the same person during an interview. Notice all the differences?

While we’re busy killing ourselves to eliminate every little flaw, the people we’re trying to emulate are equally flawed. They just have photo editors blurring blemishes, shaving off those extra 10 pounds, and smoothing out the cellulite. Of course they look beautiful, but it’s not real.

We’ve been raised in a culture where we think we’re supposed to look perfect all the time. If we don’t fit the mold, we’re made fun of. The new trend shows us that flawless isn’t the same as beautiful after all.

Social Media To The Rescue

It takes courage for a woman to post a real image of herself on social media, especially if she’s not model thin with no flaws. I know I think about every picture I post: Does this one make me look fat? Is my hair too messy? Where did that arm fat come from? I want to look as good as possible, so I second-guess everything. Social media is finally helping change that.

More and more women, including celebrities, are posting unretouched photos of themselves. Check out Instagram and Twitter. You’ll start seeing the body honesty trend in action. It’s truly a beautiful thing and one I’m not ashamed to participate in.

Sure, some people are offering up the usual negative comments, but they’re being overshadowed by positive, supportive comments. People are coming together and realizing they don’t have to hide their flaws any longer. Social media gives everyone the perfect platform to stand up and be heard (or seen, in this case).

Focusing On A Positive Body Image

Ask most women how they feel about their body and they’ll give you a list of things they hate. Is there really anything wrong? No. The flaws I hate most are things I’ve been told I shouldn’t like, such as my thighs and tummy.

Is a woman no longer beautiful if she has stretch marks after having a baby? Do your thighs have to have a noticeable gap between them for you to be attractive? These things just mean you’re a beautiful, healthy woman. It shows you’re living life and not living in a gym 24/7.

Every day I see new rules on how a woman should look. I quit keeping up with it a long time ago. I just don’t need that kind of stress in my life.

Body honesty is about focusing on a positive body image for once. It doesn’t matter if you have cellulite on your thighs or your tummy’s a little jiggly. It’s about appreciating your body as is. After all, no one is perfect.

Celebrities Joining In

Celebrities are starting to speak out about Photoshop. Lady Gaga and Kate Winslet were extremely vocal when they found their photos were retouched. They were proud of what they looked like and didn’t feel the need to show a false version of themselves.

Women aren’t the only ones standing up against Photoshopped images. Brad Pitt wanted his flaws showcased on the cover of W. He still looks great even with the crow’s feet.

The bravery of the few has prompted more celebrities join the movement. I was happy to see older celebrities posing nude and nearly nude in magazines to show that beauty isn’t a one-size-fits-all deal. They showed off their flaws and looked incredible while doing it.

Photoshop Doesn’t Inspire

Photoshopped images don’t inspire people to look better. Instead they just feel body shamed. For instance, the fitness inspiration craze–with photos of ultra slim, super sculpted bodies–at most inspires a handful of people to exercise. It makes everyone else feel like they’re too flawed to even try.

I’ve found myself feeling depressed while flipping through a fitness or beauty magazine. I’ve used the same products the women in the pictures use and done the same exercises. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t look like them?

It wasn’t my fault. Those women had blemishes and fine lines. They had thighs that touched and abs that weren’t perfect. I just didn’t know that until I saw them outside of their Photoshopped pictures.

If perfect images don’t inspire, why should they be front and center? It’s time for something real. Body honesty gives all of us a reprieve from unrealistic expectations.

Changing What Attractive Means

Many women think you need six-pack abs, stick-like legs, flawless skin, and a large chest to look sexy. I say if you’re spending that much time on your body, you probably don’t have time to notice if anyone is looking.

Thanks to body honesty taking social media by storm, we’re finally starting to redefine what really is attractive. Confidence and being comfortable in your own skin is what’s truly sexy.

When people feel good about themselves, they’re more likely to eat better and exercise right. I felt better and followed a healthier lifestyle when I didn’t feel like a failure for not looking perfect.

As it turns out, I look great just the way I am. All shapes and sizes look incredible and attractive when flaws are no longer taboo.

Becoming Part Of The Trend

The trend is just starting to gain ground. In this overly Photoshopped society, it’s up to every one of us to make sure body honesty overtakes the fakes.

The first step is to take a real photo of yourself and post it on social media. Don’t be afraid to post a selfie when you’re lounging in your sweats with no makeup on. It makes me feel more confident about myself when I see others posting photos where they’re not exactly looking their best.

Go ahead and share images promoting a positive body image. Add in a supportive comment while you’re at it. The more people who participate, the more power the trend gets.

Photoshop might never disappear completely, but the mask is gone. We all know it’s fake.

Body honesty is real and beautiful. It’s time we embrace the actual beauty in the world.

The need for praise starts at a young age. I’ve watched mothers feed babies and clap while exclaiming, “Yay!” when the baby accepts the mouthful happily. This is usually followed by a huge smile from the baby as she bounces and claps along. As the child ages, it takes more effort to receive the same amount of admiration. Tidying up a bedroom or drawing a pretty picture may elicit a coveted “good girl” remark from a parent.

By adolescence, the opportunities to really shine seem reduced to a perfect report card or acceptance to a good college. Somewhere in those early days, that inner mean girl begins to nag at you, telling you that you aren’t pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, or just plain “enough” for anything your heart desires. She bullies the best of us, but if we are lucky we can figure out how to shut her up.

Here’s how it started for me …

That particular week seemed more difficult than others. I remember sitting in a team meeting at work and for no reason, tears started welling up in my eyes. I discreetly left the room so that no one would notice and hid in a corner while I cried.

What was wrong with me?

For starters, I was exhausted. I was leading a big project at work, and I felt the need to be “on” 24/7. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d taken a day off. From time to time, I’d daydream about this destination spa that I’d discovered online nearly two years prior. I could practically feel the tranquility through the photos on the website. But there was that voice telling me that I didn’t deserve the time off, shouldn’t spend the money, and that successful people didn’t need a break. My fear of completely losing it must have outweighed the negative self-talk, because I made the decision to take the week off and head for the spa.

Desperate for a little Zen, I decided in advance that I was going to become a yoga devotee during my week away. I showed up for early morning yoga on the first day and found a spot near the front of the room. Class started.

Then something happened.

Instead of the instant bliss-fix that I had counted on, all I could feel was the pain and tightness in my back, hamstrings, and hunched shoulders. I felt angry, defeated, and sad as I let my inner mean girl beat me down. “You should be able to straighten your legs and do a perfect forward bend! You should be able to relax and open your heart like the instructor is telling you,” she shouted. I actually felt anger towards the instructor, as if she was the one demanding perfection from me. I couldn’t wait to get out of there!

Shortly after that class I met Sarah, my assigned personal trainer for the week. She was nice, but I could tell she was there to prove a point. She challenged me with heavier weights and encouraged me during the interval training she had designed for my session.

That 1:1 experience was exactly what I needed. Along with a little positive reinforcement, I was able to let go and be vulnerable. I started running on my own after that meeting with Sarah, and it was during those runs that I was able to start to feel freedom from the judgement of my inner mean girl.

One of my favorite quotes is from Norman Vincent Peale and says “You change your thoughts and you change your world.” Old habits die hard, and that nagging voice doesn’t go away overnight. Here are a few things that worked for me.

1)  Practice gratitude. Start by recognizing all of the good things in your life, no matter how small. When you approach your day looking for the good, you are less likely to focus on the negative. Some people write daily in gratitude journals so they can keep track of their blessings and go back and read previous entries on tough days.

2)  Treat yourself as you would treat your best friend. Would you tell your best friend that she isn’t good enough for something or that she is a lazy slob? Of course not! The next time negative self-talk starts, try responding with the same care and kindness that you’d readily give to your best girl friend.

3)  Accept your imperfections. To err is human. In fact, the most accomplished people in the world succeeded only after first failing many times. Instead of bashing yourself for messing up, look at the experience as an opportunity to learn, to grow, and to do better next time.

I get really attached to fiction.

I felt deep, impending dread (*spoiler alert*) as Gus rapidly declines in John Green’s The Fault in Our Stars. I was a weeping willow when Ronnie’s ailing father writes her a final letter in Nicholas Sparks’ The Last Song. And I also seriously sat in a puddle of my own tears when Henry dies in Audrey Niffenegger’s The Time Traveler’s Wife.

And it’s not just books. It’s TV shows and movies, too. Just within the past month I had a serious scare… I’d finally recovered from losing Rachel, Ross, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and Monica back in ’04 when a couple similar rom-com-ish comedies popped up in 2012. So when FOX cancelled my favorite one, The Mindy Project, this season? Let’s just say that I held my breath for days until Hulu picked it up.

Grieving fictional characters isn’t uncommon — whether it’s their passing within the context of a show or book, or simply when their storylines up and end. Psychologists have found that, following these sorts of conclusions, people are often faced with an identity crisis: What now? How do I fill this hole in my life?

When Lost ended back in 2010, I suddenly had to fill that weekly timeslot and the hours and hours I spent post-airing dissecting the nuances and deeper meaning of every episode’s plot. When I was just a silly teenager, I may or may not have read and re-read the Twilight series because I couldn’t stand the thought of life without Edward Cullen. (Little misguided, yes, I will admit, but… ah, nostalgia.)

Researchers from American University discovered that TV megafans struggle in the wake of such fictional losses. “Fans who have come to really love and care for their ‘friends’ on TV experience their loss is just like real-life breakups,” explains researcher Cristel Russell. “This loss is dealt with in ways that are similar to physical loss by seeking others who feel the same way and finding ways to remember the good times they had when the show was alive.”

Sometimes you need to cry, sometimes you binge read or binge watch other stuff to fill the time, and sometimes you endlessly discuss the past with your fellow fangirls (or guys). All are acceptable. Some hardened folks might call people who lament the losses of fictional characters totally ridiculous. But personally, I think it’s perfectly okay.

Back in college, as an English major, I studied novels solely for their literary merit. I spent hours upon hours analyzing what messages could be gleaned from a single word in a story, or specific arrangement of sentences. We were taught to dissect the text line by line, aiming to understand how the language enhanced meaning or created mood.

I learned there was no room for emotional connection in great literature. But I was a bad student.

If a book doesn’t cause me to feel something in my chest or gut, somewhere down in my core, no matter what standing it occupies among my professors and other literary critics, I pretty much toss it on the trash heap. I couldn’t tell you where I was, what I felt or what I thought while reading any book or watching any TV show or film — unless it moved me, caused me to consider or tugged at my heartstrings.

I remember sitting in the back seat of my parents’ car as I closed Pride & Prejudice, realizing happily that I was a little headstrong like Elizabeth Bennett. I remember tearing up at the conclusion of Friends with my mom, as we watched the final shot of the gang exiting an empty apartment. And I remember walking out of the theater after the final Harry Potter film, thinking that my childhood had officially ended. It was sad. But it was also great.

Fiction should move you, making you think or feel or act. And there is nothing wrong with connecting to the human experience, fictional or real —  which is why you should never apologize for breaking down into tears at the end of a great work of art.

Good fiction accomplishes a range of outcomes, from considering deep philosophical questions to making you feel less alone in your experiences. You invest. You come to know the characters, you see the world from their perspective.

It’s a special form of connection, and the closest thing you’ll get to mind-reading: you see inside a character’s thoughts. It’s sort of like Atticus tells Scout early in To Kill a Mockingbird, something she only fully understands at the conclusion while standing on Boo Radley’s porch in the novel’s final moments. “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.

Which is kind of amazing. Really.

Fictional characters help remind us what it means to be human. And even though they’re not real, they lessons you learn as a result of knowing them certainly are.

So, you just cry it out. And then appreciate what that book (or movie or show) gave you.

The term ‘transracial’ has been discussed in the news a lot recently. Some people in the media are saying it’s synonymous with transgender. However, to compare the two (transracial and transgender) is impossible.

For starters, transracial is an adjective that describes a certain type of adoption process, not a person. Secondly, when discussing the association between multiple races it’s crucial that we know the difference between racial and ethnic identification.

It’s interesting how, in our culture today, the accessibility between our race and someone else’s is so fluid. Take the millennial generation for instance. How many kids have adopted the black culture even when they are not African-American? They mimic cultural facets like hip-hop, hairstyles, slang, and dress, which have all become acceptable by society.

But it can become problematic. Anita Thomas, a health and psychology researcher at Loyola University Chicago, reaffirms the difficulty that comes with racial identification. Many kids brought up in a culture that isn’t within their set ethnicity may feel that they can’t relate to people of their own race.

But where is the line between adopting a culture and completely identifying with one race over another?

Ample amounts of research reveal that most individuals recognize their socially assigned race, even if internally they relate with a differing ethnicity. So when do these feelings go too far, and why has “transracial” suddenly become a buzzword?

Rachel Dolezal, the former NAACP Spokane, Washington chapter president, has recently been under fire for claiming to be African-American. Consequently her favorite word is transracial; it’s the crutch to her entire story. Again, transracial is being used incorrectly in her argument since it refers to adoptions NOT the race you identify with most.

The fallout she’s been experiencing is due to her deceitful behavior and motive for advancing her career and placement within her community. Dolezal has participated in various interviews and shuts down the argument that her identification was for selfish purposes.

“[At five years old] I was drawing self-portraits with the brown crayon instead of the peach crayon and black curly hair, [that’s how I was identifying myself]…As much as this discussion has somewhat been at my expense recently, and in a very sort of viciously inhumane way come out of the woodwork, the discussion is really about what it is to be human. I hope that that can drive at the core of definitions of race, ethnicity, culture, self determination, personal agency and, ultimately, empowerment.”

Critics argue that entirely eliminating one’s previous race and assigning another to themselves is merely another element of white privilege, and that “even if someone identifies as another race, they have the luxury of dodging the burdens that come with.” (Essence)

In the past, African Americans who have lighter skin have passed as white to escape oppression. Overall, people are rather ambivalent regarding what race you identify with or even try to pass yourself off as. However, when you begin to completely deceive people for personal gain, this is when problems arise. “Someone who crosses racial boundaries from a privileged one to a marginalized one is much more likely to do so for political purposes or to profit from minority culture.” (The Guardian.com)

Let’s again take Dolezal. She appears to be benefiting from identifying as black without having to experience “a lifetime of racism,” and she’s able to shed this persona if and when she wants. Her actions would be counterintuitive if she didn’t have the option to relinquish her newfound identity.

On a lesser scale, rappers like Iggy Azalea, Riff Raff, and Eminem all benefit from the privilege of being white. They have culturally appropriated themselves through their lyrics and dialect. Iggy Azalea imbues her tracks with southern hip-hop, which consequently skyrocketed her to the top of the Billboard Hot 100 chart. Yet outside of her musical persona she’s just another white, blond woman who has cashed in on the popularity of our age’s obsession with hip-hop culture, which originated and is mainly populated by the African American culture.

So what exactly makes a person the ethnicity they claim to be?

Ethnicity is the makeup that someone receives from their family, society, and media. Your ethnicity could be virtually anything since it’s socially constructed.

Brandi Lindsey, a contemporary transracial expert describes how transracially adopted children struggle with ‘fitting in’ because of their appearance and cultural heritage. This is due to their ethnicity lying somewhere outside their assigned race.

Even though race is socially constructed as well, we don’t have the luxury of refusing our assigned race because many times it’s undeniable. Race comes with very real and concrete benefits and consequences.

So for a moment, let’s entertain the discussion of similarities between transracial and transgender. Proponents of the similarities between the two are stating that race and gender are both social constructs. And this is true. However the validity behind this argument stops there.

Race is based on genetics and biology. If your parents are black then you will be black, if your parents are hispanic then you will be hispanic. To get into the technicalities of biology would be incredibly tedious, but it’s based upon evolution and the regions our ancestors were from.

Gender is not based on biology; it’s a social construct used to differentiate between males and females.  This can easily be changed whereas changing races is only accessible to certain people.

To make this more clear lets say we have a black woman named Tiffany and she said that she was white, what would you say?  Chances are you’d laugh and not believe her…at all. Transitioning into a different race is a privilege only certain people can tap into. Now lets use Dolezal for another example. She is able to get a tan, a perm, and find certain outfits that help her assimilate into a different race. The difference between our friend Tiffany and Dolezal is that Dolezal can go home and wash off her bronzer, straighten her hair, and call it a day. Tiffany can’t wash off her race, and that’s something that isn’t defined by makeup.

There is no similarity between the two.

In conclusion, the common thread that’s become rather insidious in our society is utilizing the normative white privilege to further personal agendas. On the surface some of these racial identification complexes may seem innocent enough, but there is a deeper rooted psychological defect that needs to be investigated.  

Instances in history where a minority has attempted to visually morph into a dominant race has been used as a device for personal gain, whether it was to escape oppression or increase chances for opportunity. To say a person in a well established majority isn’t trying to access a benefit by assimilating into a traditionally oppressed race is false.

If people want to identify with a race other than their own they should be doing it with transparency and tact.  But truly, if we want to have a conversation in regards to identifying with a different culture it should be done in the context of ethnicity and race, not through the use of a term reserved for an adoption process. Racial identification is a complex issue that’s been wrought with struggle. However, topics like these frame positive conversations that can hopefully be filled with understanding and compassion.

I spent the majority of my twenties absolutely hating my body.
I wasn’t thin enough (which sadly I was too thin, but just didn’t see it for myself), I wasn’t fast enough (yet I ran a 1:39 half marathon), and I just wasn’t GOOD enough for anyone. I entered my thirties with zero confidence and absolutely miserable.  My life wake up call came when I was 32 and found I was pregnant. Suddenly my priorities had to switch from caring about ME to how was I going to care for this wonderful new life growing inside of me? It was a challenge and I was terrified.
If I thought I was slow before, being a pregnant runner was humbling. I will admit that I took the “eating for two” recommendation a little too far and packed on 65 pounds—most of it from ice cream.
Fast-forward to 10 years later and I now have four healthy, yet wild, little boys. While I am no longer that rail thin person I was in my twenties, I am much stronger both physically and mentally. My confidence is at an all-time high and I give full credit to my kids.
Here are four confidence lessons they have taught me:

1. Face your fears.

My middle son has some issues with social anxiety.  Although he is an amazing football player, the beginning of the season is always tough for him because he has to adjust to a new situation. We talk about his fears, he tells me how stressed he is, and yet he gets out there every year and faces his fears.
Whenever I pitch my blog to a new company, I feel the same thing—-“what if they don’t like me?”— now I think how if my son can do it, so can I!
If you want to get anywhere in life, you have to meet challenges head on. It’s okay to be afraid, but facing those fears is what will get you through them and make you strong enough to face the next one.

2. Bring your A game.

My kids are very competitive. They love to win and will go all out in their sports.  There are days when I am tempted to just dial-in a workout and then I am reminded by their enthusiasm for their sports.  I wouldn’t want them to just show up and be on the field without actually trying, right?  So the same goes for me.
Whatever plans you’ve made or goals you’ve set for yourself, always stick to them and just do your best. Obstacles arise and some days your motivation just isn’t there, but fighting through discouragement will always make you feel better than giving in to it.

3. Make new friends.

We just moved to a new neighborhood and I am amazed at how easily my kids make new friends. My 5-year-old asked me to ride bikes around the neighborhood with him so he could “meet new friends.” He told me maybe I would meet some new friends too! They make it sound so simple—and it is. I just need to step out of my comfort zone and talk to people because chances are, they could use some new friends too!
It is definitely more difficult to make new friends as an adult, but sometimes all it takes is a kind voice and a big smile. Look around at the people in your neighborhood and I bet you can find someone who shares the same interests as you.

4. Be happy in your body.

My kids never care about what they wear,  how their hair looks, or if their butt looks big! They are just happy to “be.” Sometimes I catch myself looking at my rear view and have to remind myself that no one else cares about it, and therefore neither should I!
We often are our own worst critics. Practice positive self-talk and be kinder to yourself. When negative thoughts pop in your head, remind yourself of how far you have come and how amazing you are!
Becoming a mom has brought me confidence in my life that I never thought possible. My kids love me unconditionally and because of that, I am able to do so as well.